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Class: Identity & Influence Paragraph Peer Edit


Ms. Petersons Sample Paragraph:

There are many factors in my outside world that shape who I am on the inside. Specifically, my immigrant family has helped me become accepting, and my role at SI has taught me to be patient and kind. First, my family has helped me become accepting of other people, ideas, and cultures. Neither of my parents are from the United States, and both maintain close connections with their home culture; sometimes, these traditions seemed weird to my friends and me growing up in Southern California, but I accepted my parents differences because I loved them. It was when I hosted an exchange student from Australia, Jordan, that I got to practice accepting different cultures and ideas. Jordan and I had been raised in completely different countries, with different ideas of what foods to eat, and how to treat the environment around us. Still, Jordan needed my acceptance to feel comfortable in the United States. I accepted her as a friend from another culture despite our differences. Second, my role as a teacher at SI has taught me to be patient and kind even in challenging circumstances. There are many times throughout the school year when I feel overwhelmed or stressed out. But I know that my students are relying on me as a comforting and supportive presence. One day, Johnathan, a former student, needed help with his essay; I felt distracted because I was worried about an unfortunate circumstance at home, But, I knew it was my job to give Johnathan all of my attention so that he felt confident as an English student. These factors from my outside world have had the greatest influence on my inside identity because they are each invaluable to me, personally. I love my family; thus I value their experiences and traditions, and work to make them proud. In addition, I care for the SI community. It has helped me through some difficult times, and I feel that I have a responsibility to give back to a school that has done so much. Though there are many factors in my world that shape who I am today, my family and SI influence me the most. I am thankful that they have made me who I am today! Peer Editing: Editors Name: Write edited by _____ at the top of this persons paper. General Thesis: Number the general thesis with a #1. o Is the first sentence of this persons essay a general statement about outside factors influencing his/her identity? If not, make notes so this person remembers to add it. Specific Thesis: Number the specific thesis sentence(s) with a #2. o Underline the outside factors listed. Are there at least 2? If not, add a note suggesting this person adds enough outside factors. o Underline the personal qualities/traits listed. Are there at least 2? If not, add a notes suggesting this person adds enough personal qualities/traits. Specific/Concrete Examples: Number the examples section #3. o Are there at least 2 qualities & influencing factors explained? If not, add a note suggesting this person explains more examples. o Does each example show how your partner has lived out or demonstrated this quality in real life? Is it a real life not a hypotheticalexample? If not, make a note to add details that make this a specific example. Commentary: Number the commentary section #4. o Does your partners commentary section include 2-3 sentences (or more!) If not, add a note to add sentences of commentary. o Does your partner adequately explain why these factors are a strong influence on his/her identity? If not, add suggestions for how this writer can improve his/her explanation. Conclusion: Number the section with concluding sentences #5. o Are there at least 2-3 sentences to wrap up the paragraph? If not, add a note to add more sentences. o Does the conclusion refer back to the broad idea in the general thesis? If not, add a note to remind your partner.