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Gaining Control Over

Masturbation
and Internet Pornography!
If you have been engaged in repetitive masturbation with
pornography on the internet, this reading is especially for you. You
have tried to stop many times only to face returning again and again.
It's an addiction. An addiction is an unwanted habit that is out of
your control. It takes over before you can do anything to stop it. But
now you're disgusted and ashamed about yourself, you've become
more secretive in hiding this from others, and discouraged or even
depressed about it. And if you are a biblically faithful Christian, you
also are feeling sinful and guilty before God.
How do you begin to get even a little self-control over this
habit? You will find in this writing some ideas, concepts and
especially some very practical things to do to begin getting control.
All you have to bring to this is a real desire and committment to
follow what you are asked to do. Frankly, if you can't gain some self-
control by using this material, you're only other alternative is to get
into some private therapy program, maybe even a residential
program at some facility for sexual addicts.
Here's a prayer I'd like you to say each day:
Father God! Lord Jesus Christ! In your Spirit I come to you to seek your
help. I feel out-of-control, helpless, unable to exercise the will or even the
desire to change. I need your power and strength. I need your Spirit to lift me
up from this pit, to motivate me, inspire me, and change my hard heart into a
receptive and willing heart. All I can pray is this written prayer right now,
because I am unable to find my own words to speak to you. That's how weak I
am. That's how distant I feel from you.
Help me Father of mercy and compassion! Father of forgiveness and
understanding! Father of lovingkindness and perseverence! Father so
faithful, who knows what we are made of!
Help me Lord Jesus! Shepherd, I need you to come and find me, a lost
one. Good Physician, I need to be healed, for I am broken. Savior, I need to be
saved for I have sinned. Seek me, heal me, save me!
Holy Spirit of power and might, of love and and light and life, restore my
heart. Psalm 51:10-12 - Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right,
persevering, and steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from Your
presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of
Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. Amen.

You Begin by Cleaning House!


Take as many of these practical and specific steps as you can as
soon as possible.
• Get rid of all saved internet pornography, do it rapidly, without

hesitation, do it now. Clean your computer of all pornography.


If you need to, download a program like "Content Purity" which
will clean your computer of pornography.
• Videos

• Saved urls, porn sites, telephone numbers, IM addresses, etc.

• Pictures

• All of your search histories, temp files, all those porn words

typed in.
• Consider putting a block on your computer for pornography

• Start thinking about an Accountability person in whom you can

confide your addiction. If you want to make Dr Will (Dr Bill)


your accountability person, this means a committment to on-
going reporting of your behavior.
• If you have associations who are sources of temptation to you,

begin to plan to diminish or end those relationships.


• "Windows": by "Windows" I'm referring to the time of day or

circumstances that are the usual times when you get into
masturbation and pornography. Is there a pattern? Do you
usually get into porn and masturbation late at night? early
morning? after work? weekend only? What is your Window?
NOW, that's the Window you must close. Close it! Change your
internet time.! Set rules for yourself like "I am not allowed to
use the internet between 12 noon and 4pm."
• Consider moving your computer to a public part of the room, if
that is feasible.
• Consider letting someone else share your computer.
• Consider someone else checking your computer for porn.
• What else comes to mind which you can do to diminish your
use of the computer for masturbation and pornography?

The Four Steps! Key to Self-


control!
OK, you have considered or will do those things above. That's
just the beginning. Now it's time to deal with you, with what
happens in you and how you need to work on yourself to gain
control over addictive masturbation and pornography. You need to
gain an inner awareness of your mental-emotional functioning which
will put you in charge of your internal life; your thoughts, feelings
and experiences. You need to be able to think more rationally about
things, take charge of unexpected feelings, and gain control over
impulsive behavior. We want to help you gain the abiliy for Self-
observation > self-objectivity > self-discipline > self-control.
Let's say you have a temptation about wanting to see a naked
person. You quickly turn to the internet consuming time finding the
images or videos you want, and you masturbate to climax.
How can you deal with that situation more positively? We
want you to learn these FOUR STEPS in dealing with temptation to
sexual sin. We think these will make the difference for you in
gaining control.
(1) Stop (2) Stand back (3) Speak (4)Distract
You have a thought about a naked person just as you sit
down before your computer. You STOP and observe, "I'm having a
sexual thought!"(self-observation). You might say "STOP" inside
your head, or even out loud, and forcefully, "STOP, STOP, STOP
NOW". Go ahead, practice it right now!
Having observed that you are having a sexual
thought or inclination, you STAND BACK from yourself and say,
"Hey, I better be careful! This could be trouble for me! This is a
situation that causes me trouble. Come on now, I know this is a trap
for me!" (self-obectivity)
Now comes a very important step, you SPEAK to
yourself about why engaging in pornography and masturbation is
self-destructive and sinful. (self-discipline) What good reasons do
you have to not go any further and stop right now? You must come
up with your own list, you must actually make a list (start doing it
now) and keep it on you or near the computer. You should have a list
of at least FIVE reasons why you don't want to engage in sexual
behavior.Here's a typical list which might help! The list usually
includes God, others, your own self-image, self-esteem, etc.
1.(GOD) It will mess up my relationship to my Father God. I
want to stay in fellowship with Him and not quench the Spirit.
God loves me and I will not jeopardize that love. If I give in to
this temptation I'll feel like I've backslidden once again, and I
know how bad that makes me feel.
2.(OTHERS) What if my wife, my kids, my church family knew
that I was watching pornography? Look into their faces; go
ahead, look into their faces! What will that make you feel like?
Shame, shame, shame, devastated, rotten!
3.(SELF) I know I'm going to feel rotten and discouraged and
disgusted with myself if I do it! I will hit another miserable low
in my life.
4.(SELF) I know my self-esteem will plummit again and I will
get depressed.
5.(SELF) I don't want to feel like a hypocrite, a phony and a jerk!
6."I know I can do all things with the help of God"
7."No temptation has seized me that's any different than
all people go through. And God is faithful; he will not
let me be tempted beyond what I can manage; so that
when I am tempted, he will also provide a way out so
that I can stand up to it."
8."Help me Lord Jesus Christ, by your cross, your blood, your
Holy Spirit; help me!"

Now you DISTRACT yourself (self-control). You get


busy with what you are supposed to be doing at the computer. Or, if
the temptation continues, you get up, turn off the computer, and get
involved in something else, talk to someone, sing a hymn, dance,
etc. Distraction is very important with sexual temptations because
with sexual arousal comes a bodily bio-chemical hormonal change
which does not shut down unless your mental-emotional attention is
invested in something else which steals your attention away from
your sexual images and bodily sensations. You see the real things
behind sexual addition is the whole psychological-emotional-
chemical "high" which you get prior to, and culminating in
"orgasm".

Renewing Your Four Vitalizing


Relationships as a Substitute for
Sexual Addiction
GOD, Others, Self and Work
All the above things in "Cleaning House" and "The Four Steps"
are the most practical and immediate things you must do and
practice. But there is something else underlying the tendency to get
into sexual addictive behavior. It has to do with the quality of your
FOUR critical relationships in life.
All people strive to be happy in life. That goes without saying!
We all try to arrange our lives so that we feel stable, content and
well. We try to arrange both our outer environment and our inner
environment in such a way that we have a sense of outer-inner
equilibrium, balance, stability. We all want to feel alive, useful,
productive, loved and worthwhile (to name just a few).
But at times the challenges, choices and changes of life
disturb that equilibrium and we then work to resolve things
and return once again to a state of happiness and stability.
I call this seeking after happiness and stability the state of
feeling vitalized; of feeling fully alive and well, content and
worthwhile, useful and productive, loved and appreciated by others,
loved and cared for and close to God. Jesus came to bring abundant
life which begins with a renewed relationship to God.
The SAM (Sexually Addictive Man) also seeks to be vitalized
but has learned a pattern of using sex as a primary source of being
vitalized. This obsession-compulsion with sex is immature,
unfulfilling, and destructive to life relationships, to self , and to his
relationship with God. He is very vulnerable to returning to a sexual
outlet for a sense of vitalized feeling. This is when he engages in
pseudo-vitalizing sex.
Being authentically and maturely vitalized seems to be related
to our satisfaction in four areas: our relationship to our Self, to God,
to some Others, and to our Work. These are the sources of true
vitalization and contentment in life which God has provided. "Love
God, love your neighbor, as you love yourself!"
Without realizing just where their happiness and contentment is
coming from, most people, after some self-examination, would tell
you they are happy when these four areas are fulfilling and
satisfying. Conversely, when there is dissatisfaction in one or more
of these areas, you can be sure you are not feeling fully vitalized.
Think about this for yourself!
The SAM who is effectively eliminating sexual addiction is at the
same time replacing it with improvement, renewal and development
of these four vitalizing life relationships. What signs will you see in
yourself if you are making progress?
1. You are settling the underlying emotional, psychological, social
issues related to the development of sexual addiction.
2. You are becoming increasingly more self-integrated, self-
accepting, at peace with yourself and emotionally mature.
3. You are becoming predominantly free from obsessive sexual
interests, pursuits or behavior.
4. You are growing as a person and as a Christian. You are forming
and renewing healthy, wholesome relationships with others, God,
yourself and your work.

1.With GOD
- What's your relationship to God like? Do you know God as your
caring, protecting, providing Father who loves you. Do you know
Jesus as the teacher of spiritual wisdom, your healer, your deliverer,
your good Physician and good Shepherd? Do you know the presence
and Voice of God's Spirit in you, who brings you Counsel,
Correction, Conviction, Comfort, Conversion, Confession,
Cleansing, Consoling, Convincing, Communion with God, and
Conforms you to the image of Jesus Christ?
Is there prayer, Bible study and meditation, Christian
fellowship in a church, service to others, and some form of
witnessing to others of your faith? All these describe the life of a
fervent, faithful, filial child of God whose relationship to God is vital
and alive.
2.With OTHERS
- Can you say, "I have good, intimate, rewarding, responsible
relationships with some people I am very close to, and I have
friends, associates and companions as well. I enjoy people and have
fellowship with the family of God. My relationships are all
meaningful,
responsible and
resolved." Is
there some left-
over work to do
in person or in
your heart with a
person living or
dead? Is there
need for more
intimacy with
your spouse,
forgiveness with
a family
member,
responsibility for
your children?
Most people
have someone in
their past or present family life who they must reconcile with or
resolve the relationship. It may be a parent, a sibling, or a friend.
First, your Family! It is our belief and conviction that sexual
compulsions begin in the family and from early experiences with
peers. Many times painful or shameful sexual experiences, which
attacked self-esteem and sexual security have been suppressed,
forgotten, repressed and sent to the unconscious burial ground of our
lives. They need to be gently recalled by the Holy Spirit so that they
may be healed and integrated into our lives rather than left as
unresolved obstacles or as broken threads in the garment of
personality. You can aid this healing process by beginning to recall
both specific troublesome memories of events ( not always sexual)
as well as feelings, impressions and experiences which occurred in
your family, with your peers, and in your development. Work with
these sentences as a way to begin:
I recall once when my father….
I recall how my mother….
I remember my sister….
I remember my brother…….
I had a friend with whom…
In childhood I often felt…
In elementary school…
In middle school…
In high school….
I remember this one experience especially when....
I sexually exploited ....
I was sexually exploited by.......
When Ron began to gather his past together, stimulated by the
above questions, the Spirit led him to recall some emotionally
charged feelings, events and memories. “I recall once when my
father hit me because I tried to stand up for myself. He didn't mean
to hit me as hard as he did and I went flying against the wall. He
never apologized for that. And after that incident I told myself I
would never forgive him. I know now that I couldn't identify with
my father as a male which left me with some unfinished sexual
identity issues. On top of it, I recall how my mother would bribe me
into doing things I didn't want to do at home. I began to feel that
women were bossy and mean.
In childhood I often felt like "crap!" In elementary school, I'd
rather not remember it. In middle school it was a total humiliation.
This is when kids started making fun of me because I wasn't as
sexually sophisticated as they were. In high school I tried so hard to
be "normal" it makes me want to cry. I lived such a secret life of
sexual confusion right through high school. I began to masturbate
frequently and found a place where I could get pornographic
material. But no one had any idea that I had an intense, obsessive
interest in sexual things"
Is there anyone in your immediate family or family of origin
with whom you know in your heart you need to resolve certain
feelings or address certain wounded events or experiences? Who?
How will you do it? When?
Next, your Friends!Do you have friends? Is there anyone
among your friends with whom you know in your heart you need to
resolve certain feelings or address certain wounded events or
experiences? Who? How will you do it? When?
Last, your Companions! Is there anyone among companions at
work or church with whom you know in your heart you need to
resolve certain feelings or address certain wounded events or
experiences? Are there people you could reach out to? Are there
people you avoid? Who? How will you do it? When?

3.With SELF
Click on Body-Soul-Spirit -
First, your Body! How do you feel and what do you think of
your body; both past and present? How does God see your body? 1
Cor 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits
are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own
body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy
Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are
not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God
with your body. What about body weight, exercise, diet and general
health?
Next, your Soul! Your soul may be thought of as your self-
image and
self-
esteem. Are
they is
acceptable
to you?
Can you
say; "I
don't spend
a lot of
energy on
having to
defend
myself."
Take this
Self-
Esteem Questionnaire! Self-esteem is the way you feel about
yourself. Self-Image is the way you think about yourself. How you
feel about yourself (Self-Esteem) is that deep, underlying sense of
how significant, confident, and worthwhile you feel about yourself
and is more important to your emotional well-being than your self-
image (how others see you and you think of yourself). Self- esteem
is the basis of your faith in yourself, hope in yourself, and love of
yourself. When your self-faith, self-hope, and self-love are
threatened or inadequate, you begin to relate to all of life with
insecurity, and this is a setup for addictive behavior.
Low Self-Esteem (LSE), correctly understood, is the first stage
of all life-dominating and emotional problems. It arises from some
form of dysfunctional family upbringing or inadequate social and
psychological development. LSE results in an inability to accept
oneself (one's SELF) emotionally. It reflects an inability to be in
touch with oneself emotionally or to be self-rejecting in some way
because when we are children, feelings equal myself.
Having one's emotions and feelings acknowledged, understood,
accepted, and responded to gives the young child an adequate and
acceptable SELF or Self-Esteem. Not having his feelings
acknowledged or accepted by others or himself establishes a rift or
inner separation. This all emerges from some form of
dysfunctionality in the family environment. It has been said that the
three rules of a dysfunctional family are, "Don't feel, don't talk about
your feelings, don't trust others or your feelings." In such a family
low self-esteem is formed; a root condition for Christians struggling
with sexual addictiveness.
Low self-esteem is formed in childhood as a result of negative
situations the child experiences such as the following. You
might want to check, underline or mark the ones that apply to
you:
• • Receiving an inordinate amount of criticism

• • Failing to receive affection, support, respect, and/or

encouragement
• • Being constantly teased, picked on, or laughed at

• • Being the target of verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse

• • Receiving overly strict, cruel, or age-inappropriate punishment

• • Being expected to be the emotional support for the parent

• • Being ridiculed for thoughts, perceptions, or performance

• • Having parents consistently take the side of others against the


child
• • Being shamed when alone or in front of others

• • Being neglected because parents are too busy or emotionally

unavailable
• • Having their feelings be consistently ignored and discounted

• • Being negatively compared to other siblings or other children

in the community
• • Being threatened with abandonment

• • Being abandoned and/or unwanted

• • Not being allowed to participate in school activities, play with

neighbors and friends, or do normal things other kids do.


• • Being blamed for the parent's current problems

• • Being told "You were a mistake!"

• • Being treated as an adult with expectations beyond the child's

capabilities.
• • Not being taught appropriate social skills

• • Not being encouraged in school and other personal endeavors

• • Being ill as a child and unable to participate in normal

activities
Self-esteem is a sense of how I feel about myself, my worth, my
significance, my lovableness, my adequacy. When an adequate sense
of self-esteem is not achieved, low self-esteem results. Renewing an
acceptance of one's self is an important step in maturity and the
resolution of sexual compulsiveness.
Last, your Spirit or Heart! I am in touch with my ideals, morals,
values and God the Holy Spirit. Can I hear the Spirit voice of Jesus
speak in my heart. Am I remaining sensitive and alive and receptive
to His voice?
In 1 Cor 2: 6 We do, however, speak a message of wisdom
among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of
this age, who are coming to nothing. 7No, we speak of God's secret
wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for
our glory before time began. 8None of the rulers of this age
understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord
of glory. 9However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has
heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who
love him"[b]— 10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The
Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11For who
among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit
within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God
except the Spirit of God. 12We have not received the spirit of the
world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what
God has freely given us.

4.With WORK
- I am engaged in Work for a living which I find meaningful and
rewarding beyond just it’s monetary value. I also have Avocations or
hobbies, interests that please me. And, importantly, I also have a
Vocation or ministry as a Christian who serves others in some way.
First, your Work! Do you have a job for livelihood which is
financially adequate, rewarding, interesting and fulfilling?
Every person must find some fulfillment in what they
do for a living. What you do for a living is called WORK.
We have discovered that some SAMs are not feeling
fulfilled and happy in their work. This is a phenomenon
which we have observed over and over again! It is that so many are
career dissatisfied, delayed or diverted. What do we mean?
We simply mean that for some reason or reasons, many SAMs
have never found the work in life which brings them true fulfillment.
They are dissatisfied with what they are doing, or they have delayed
doing what they think would be more fulfilling, or they have been
diverted to do a work which they simply fell into or gravitated
toward for some reason.
Why? Was it because they were so preoccupied with their
sexuality issues? Was it because they could not find role models of
their same gender to whom they could turn for career interests?
Many are doing work which is displeasing to them. They are
unfulfilled in their work. Others have often used so much emotional
energy on their emotional growth that they were unable to invest in
their careers appropriately. What about yourself? Are you doing the
work which satisfies you?
Next, your Vocation! Have you discovered your spiritual gifts
and are you engaged in some ministry ot service which benefits the
members of the Body of Christ?
There is more to a man’s productiveness than work. There is
Vocation. Vocation means “calling”. Vocation has to do with the fact
that all saved Christians are called by God in one way
or another to serve His kingdom. There are no
exceptions to this! If you are a Christian, you are
called "unto good works". Vocation for the Christian is
work for God's kingdom. Every Christian man and woman, and
especially overcomers, should seek and understand what is their
"calling" or vocation. It will bless you and help you gain perspective
on yourself and how God is working in your life.
Paul says in Ephesians 2:10, "For we are his workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before
ordained that we should walk in them."
Take hold of this truth: God ordained certain good works
wherein we would walk. Not only did He ordain them before the
world was created. Before every good work which we perform, He
gave us the power and desire so that His eternal counsel would be
fulfilled in the smallest detail.
We should thank him for giving us that which we could not
even want to receive. We owe Him thanks for all of our salvation as
well as for all of our natural possessions and talents. We are, indeed,
saved by grace, not by our works, but have been called to perform
works for God's kingdom. It was Martin Luther who made the
statement, "We are justified by faith alone, but not by a faith that is
alone." What he meant was that true faith will always demonstrate
itself by good works. James, the brother of Jesus, and the leader of
the First Church of Jerusalem said... James 2:26 26 “As the body
without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds (or works) is dead.”
So, works of service and ministry have a real place in the life
of a person who has been given salvation. In reality, works or good
deeds, prove that salvation has really come to a person.
We have been prepared for the Master's use. That is one of the
main reasons why God hasn't transported you and me to heaven yet.
We've still got a job to do for Him, on earth. In a world that is so
needy, we could get overwhelmed by all the good that needs to be
done. But we don't have to be overwhelmed. We just have to make
ourselves available and God will show us through His Spirit in us,
what he wants us to do.
Last, your Avocation! Every balanced person needs some talent,
skill, pastime or hobby in which they can invest a lot of
their enjoyment, not for profit. What's yours?
Even the man who is highly satisfied with his work
needs something more. He at least one avocation.
Avocations are the spontaneous or planned interests,
activities, recreations and hobbies that are mostly play and
enjoyment. It is always healthy for SAMs to develop avocations in
order to counteract their usual seriousness, morbidness, and over-
concentration on self. Avocations give a balance to a man’s
productive, creative life needs. All work and no play, makes you a
dull person. Avocational interests, hobbies and pastimes bring
lightness and joy into a person’s life. They allow him to channel
“passion” into wholesome, healthy areas.
One man says, “I am part of a group of dedicated individuals
that care for a special place in the history of my home town. It’s our
local Civil War cemetery. Many of our founding families and their
sons are buried here and they have many stories to tell.”
Another says, “I am a Ham radio operator. Since 9/11, we have
all started to think more seriously about possible terrorism attacks.
Should such attacks occur, Ham radio operators could be of great
assistance throughout the world during emergencies. Today, with our
dependence on electricity to communicate, amateur radio has
become even more important.”
Other leisure-time endeavors are hands-on activities, such as
gardening, bowling, woodworking, coin collecting, book restoring,
painting, music, and photography. Do you have a passionate
avocation? It could give your life needed balance.

Love of God, love of neighbor as we love ourselves! Jesus


mentions these first three in Matthew 28:32-40, when he tells the
lawyer that the first priority of life is to love the Lord God with all
our heart, soul, mind and strength; and our neighbors, as we love
ourselves. There you see God, Others and Self.
When these four areas are content, fulfilled, and satisfied, you feel vitalized,
fully, functionally alive. You feel that you are living a good life. You are content
with your Self, with God, with important Others and with your Work in life. At
such times it's unlikely that you will engage in sexual sinning. Of course you
cannot always be vitalized in all of these areas, and that's the problem for all
people. Those four areas are always facing challenges, changes and choices
which destabilize you for shorter or longer periods of time. But if you have
learned to work with your INSIDE and OUTSIDE strategies more functionally,
you will less likely resort to sinful, self-destructive behavior.

How great is the love the Father has


lavished on us, that we should be
called children of God! And that is
what we are! The reason the world
does not know us is that it did not
know him. 2 Dear friends, now we are
children of God, and what we will be
has not yet been made known. But
we know that when he appears, we
shall be like him, for we shall see him
as he is. Everyone who has this hope
in him purifies himself, just as he is
pure. (1 John 3)