1 Put Some Clothes On, God is Watching

A play by Elizabeth Breed

CHARACTERS Morgan, Adrienne’s 12-year-old daughter, hates living with Ivy Ivy, Adrienne’s young girlfriend, barely out of college Adrienne, a middle aged lesbian woman, the most normal woman in the house Bethany, a door-to-door Bible saleswoman, very strict and pious Sarah, a door-to-door Bible saleswoman, young and naïve

2 SCENE. A living room. MORGAN, Adrienne’s daughter, marches in, carrying a suitcase. She marches to the center of the room, and thumps it on the ground. She is having a tantrum. MORGAN. Mom? MOM! MOM! Mommy? I’M LEAVING AND I’M NEVER COMING BACK! (No answer.) DO YOU HEAR ME? I’M NEVER COMING BACK, YOU’LL SEE! (No answer. She picks up the bag and slams it down for emphasis.) LOOK! I’M LEAVING! (IVY enters, wearing little more than a sheet.) Do you ever wear clothes? IVY. Why are you yelling? MORGAN. I’m leaving. I’m going to go live with my dad. IVY. Go unpack. You’re not going anywhere. MORGAN. I’m tired of this! I’m running away. You can tell my mom that I can’t live here anymore. IVY. Adrienne! Morgan’s acting like a spoiled little brat again! MORGAN. Did you just tattle on me? (ADRIENNE enters. She sees the suitcase and sighs.) ADRIENNE. Morgan, again? MORGAN. I can’t live with that bitch! ADRIENNE. Watch your language. MORGAN. It’s not like she’s my mother. IVY. Do you think I could’ve gotten that big head out? I don’t think so. MORGAN. At least I’m not a two-dollar whore. ADRIENNE. Morgan Grace! Watch your tongue! MORGAN. Mom, I’m leaving! You can’t stop me. I’m going to go live with my dad! IVY. Your dad was a sperm donor, you halfwit. MORGAN. It would still be better than living with you! Dad would let me do anything I wanted! Dad would let me go out for ballet. And dad would let me go on dates with Ryan Hartley. And dad would let me go see One Direction in concert in England. And dad would… ADRIENNE. Morgan, please, I don’t have the strength for this tonight. I’ve already worked a 12-hour day, and I just want to take a nap. Please. Can I do that?

3 MORGAN. Ok…fine. I’ll stay. But just for one more night. You know it’s really not fun when your mom’s are lesbians. (Adrienne kisses Morgan on the head. She smiles and Morgan smiles back. Adrienne sits, laboriously on the couch. Ivy goes to the suitcase, and opens it. There is nothing in it. She smirks.) IVY. Go get a boyfriend. MORGAN. Go shave your mustache. ADRIENNE. Girls! (Morgan clomps offstage) You egg her on. IVY. Do I? ADRIENNE. You do. She hates you. You act like nothing more than a bitchy big sister to her. IVY. I like it. (She cuddles up to Adrienne.) Now, are we going to talk about what we started to last night? ADRIENNE. About the… IVY. About the baby, yes. (Unseen by the other two, Morgan reenters, and eavesdrops.) You told me you were going to call the adoption agency. ADRIENNE. I did. They said they were going to come tomorrow. Around 4. IVY. Tomorrow? Good. ADRIENNE. Nervous? IVY. I’ve just wanted a baby for so long I’m just… I’m so happy. I love you. (They kiss, and when they break, they smile at one another. Morgan rolls her eyes, and leaves.) ADRIENNE. (Playfully.) Put on some clothes, Ivy. (Ivy smiles, and walks out. Adrienne finally has a moment to herself, and then she hears a knock on the door. She rises to her feet, practically shuffling to the door. She opens it and BETHANY and SARAH are on the other side. They are dressed very conservatively, and Bethany is holding a bible, while Sarah is holding a small briefcase.) ADRIENNE. May I help you? BETHANY. Hello. My name is Sister Bethany, and this is Sister Sarah and we’re from the Friends of Life Christian Church. We thought we come by and see if we can give you the word of God. ADRIENNE. The word of God? BETHANY. Yes. Sister Sarah has often seen you walking with your daughter near the church, and we wanted to express our love and joy for you both.

4 ADRIENNE. That’s… weird… SARAH. We’re here to give you the word of God. BETHANY. Well, for the low, low price of $39.99. ADRIENNE. Yes… yes you said that. The word of God has been in this house for a very long time. I like the word of God. The word of God and I go way back. SARAH. Then you must want to buy a Bible. BETHANY. Sarah, dear, let’s not push it, shall we? SARAH. I was just saying that… BETHANY. Please excuse Sarah. She is kind of naïve when it comes to this sort of thing. Tact. She’s not as seasoned as the rest of us. SARAH. I’m not naïve… ADRIENNE. I’m sure you’re not. (Loud pop music begins to play. Obnoxiously.) Morgan! Turn that racket down! MORGAN. NO! ADRIENNE. MORGAN GRACE, DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN! (The music fades.) Sorry about that. BETHANY. You’re very lenient on her. ADRIENNE. Excuse me? (Bethany opens the bible, and reads aloud.) BETHANY. “Those who spare the rod, hate their children. But those who love them are diligent to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24. (Adrienne is unsure what to say.) ADRIENNE. Um… would I… could I get you ladies a drink? BETHANY. We don’t drink. It’s against God’s commands. ADRIENNE. I didn’t know that. SARAH. It’s in the good book. BETHANY. There are a lot of things in that book that we follow. We of course only wear long skirts and cover our shoulders for modesty sake. We are adamantly pro-life and pro-family and we believe that homosexuality is a sin. ADRIENNE. (Barely holding it in.) Oh, do you?

5 BETHANY. (Opening the bible.) “You shall not lie with a male as you do with a woman. It is an abomination”. Leviticus 18:22. It’s in the good book, see? We do everything by the book. That’s what we are trying to teach Sarah. ADRIENNE. (Barely able to contain her anger.) Ok then… Maybe a pop? Or coffee? There can’t be anything against coffee in the good book, now can there? (Sarah looks at Bethany, and Bethany consults the Bible. She turns a few pages.) BETHANY. I don’t think so, dear. ADRIENNE. (Unenthused.) Yay. (There is a slight uncomfortable pause.) So… coffee? BETHANY. Let me give you hand. And I can tell you more about the Kingdom of Heaven… (Sarah is left alone. She sits smiling for a few moments, and then notices the state of the room. She starts straightening things up, when Ivy comes back in. She is wearing shorts and a bra, and has a towel wrapped around her head. She does not see Sarah as she comes in.) IVY. Adrienne, baby, have you seen my new dress? (She trips over Sarah, knocks her head, and is out cold. Sarah looks up to see what has happened, and sees Ivy unconscious.) SARAH. Holy shit! (She immediately squeals and covers her mouth. She says a little prayer, and then goes to check on Ivy.) Miss? Miss? Are you hurt? (No response.) Miss? (She goes to check her pulse, but can’t seem to remember where to actually take the pulse.) Are you breathing? (She sticks her head on Ivy’s chest. At that moment, Morgan reenters.) MORGAN. What are you doing? SARAH. Um… your sister… friend…here she, didn’t see me, I guess, and came in. And I think the floor was slick from her shower and she just… took a little tumble. MORGAN. I mean… what are you doing to her boobs? SARAH. She… I was trying to check her breathing. Her pulse. I didn’t remember how to… I’m so flustered MORGAN. Who are you? SARAH. I’m Sarah. Hi! MORGAN. Are you from the agency? SARAH. I am from an agency, yes. God’s agency. (She giggles a bit, and then goes back to Ivy.) Oh dear… I hope she’s not hurt… MORGAN. God’s Agency. Is that some Christian thing?

6 SARAH. Oh, yes. Yes it is. Very good. You’re very smart. MORGAN. You don’t want to give them one. SARAH. What? MORGAN. They don’t need what you’re trying to give them. (Sarah is continuing to try to find a pulse.) They have me. And you need to stop fondling Ivy. (Sarah quickly pulls her hands away.) SARAH. I’m so sorry. I’m just so… nervous. I don’t know what to do. She’s just… walking around the house half naked? MORGAN. Yes. She does it all the time. She’s kind of a slut. I think it’s rubbing off on me. And my mom is a drunk. And she’s a pill pusher. And Ivy has men… and women here all the time. She’s such a whore. Like, actually a whore. You don’t want to give them a baby. SARAH. I suppose not. MORGAN. You should just go back to the agency and… tell your superiors that they’re just not worthy. SARAH. Well, people can change, dear. My superiors are pretty forgiving. MORGAN. Forgiving, huh? Even though I have violent blackouts where I don’t know what is happening? (Acting up.) Where am I? Who are you? And where is the nearest butcher knife (Sarah is very confused. Ivy stirs.) She wakes. IVY. What happened? Who are you? SARAH. I’m Sarah. IVY. You’re cute. SARAH. She’s hallucinating. IVY. What are you doing? Why am I naked? MORGAN. You’re not naked. You’re only half naked. Sarah’s from the agency. IVY. The agency? Who told… never mind, Morgan. Don’t you have some… not being here to do? MORGAN. Dad would never make me leave a room. Dad would never… IVY. Morgan, now please. MORGAN. Fine. (She exits.) SARAH. I’m sorry that you didn’t see…me…

7 IVY. How long was I out? SARAH. Not that long… do you want to put on some clothes? IVY. Not really. So… you’re from the agency? I thought you weren’t coming until tomorrow. I’m sorry I’m in such a state. And the house… my goodness. SARAH. It’s ok. I was just straightening up. You do have a lovely home. (Ivy sits on the couch.) IVY. So… what’s a girl got to do to get what she wants from you? SARAH. What? IVY. I mean… you’re from the agency, right? Well, my girlfriend and I have been talking to add to the family. SARAH. Excuse me? I’m not sure… IVY. I mean, I assume that’s why you’re here. We really would like a girl to join. There’s already three already. SARAH. Three? Isn’t that a lot? (She begins to get very uncomfortable.) And… your girlfriend…? IVY. Oh, don’t worry. She wants this just as much as I do. Granted, she did have Morgan through a sperm donor, so she’s never actually had relations with a man, but… SARAH. (Spitting it out.) I haven’t either. I’m a virgin. IVY. (Confused.) Ok. I just wanted to let you know that we’re very good people. And we would love, love, love to have a beautiful person join us in our lives. SARAH. Do you think I’m beautiful? (Ivy is confused.) IVY. Well… yeah, I guess… SARAH. Oh my. Ok. (Sarah, caught in the moment, kisses Ivy. Ivy pulls back in surprise.) IVY. What the fuck? (Morgan starts screaming at the top of her lungs from off stage. Adrienne and Bethany come back in, holding cups of coffee.) ADRIENNE. What the hell is that? BETHANY. Oh, language, please. God’s eyes are watching and Gods ears are listening. ADRIENNE. Ivy, what happened? Why are you half naked… on the couch… with Sarah?

8 BETHANY. Yes Sarah, what seems to be going on? SARAH. I didn’t do anything. ADRIENNE. Ivy? (Still screaming. Morgan storms in the room, in a craze. She starts throwing things around, mumbling ridiculous phrases, trying to make a spectacle of herself. Bethany is immediately fearful.) BETHANY. What in God’s name is wrong with your child? ADRIENNE. Morgan, what’s the matter? MORGAN. I EAT BABIES FOR BREAKFAST! ESPECIALLY ADOPTED BABIES! (She goes on the floor, writhing. Think “Exorcist”) SARAH. Oh my goodness! BETHANY. Adrienne, I fear that your daughter may be possessed by the devil! IVY. She’s just faking it. Now, please don’t let this affect the baby! ADRIENNE. What baby? IVY. The baby that they’re going to give us. BETHANY. Sister Sarah, grab her feet. (She does. Bethany is holding Morgan’s wrists.) ADRIENNE. Wait… what were you doing with Sister Sarah? IVY. Who? BETHANY. The power of Christ compels you! ADRIENNE. Sister Sarah. What were you talking about? SARAH. She kicked me! The little one kicked me! BETHANY. The power of Christ compels you! SARAH. Why the hell did you kick me? IVY. Adrienne, Morgan has been acted like this since I’ve been living here… seriously… BETHANY. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! ADRIENNE. Ivy, I love you. And Morgan is just going through a tough time. She’s a pre-teen. (In her writhing, and oddness, Morgan begins singing a popular boy band song.) SARAH. She’s completely lost it.

9 IVY. Look, Adrienne… it was just a kiss. Sarah just kissed me. It was nothing. (Bethany lets go of Morgan’s hands and looks at Sarah in shock.) BETHANY. Sister Sarah? SARAH. I…I… Ivy, you were coming on to me, you know it! IVY. I was trying to get a baby. ADRIENNE. Ivy, you do know that it doesn’t work that way, right? IVY. She wants to give us a baby! Now your stupid little brat daughter is messing everything up! I knew she hated me, but this act is so low… I just… I can’t… SARAH. Wait… baby? What are you talking about? IVY. You’re giving us a baby, right? You’re from the agency. ADRIENNE. What agency did you think, honey? MORGAN. (Coming out of her crazy.) The adoption agency. ADRIENNE. How did you hear about that? MORGAN. I heard you two talking… why do you want to replace me? ADRIENNE. You think we want to replace you? BETHANY. (To Adrienne) You’re a lesbian? IVY. (To Sarah.) You thought I was coming on to you? SARAH. (To Ivy.) You thought I was an adoption agent? BETHANY. This is a bad idea. MORGAN. I know, right! BETHANY. Very bad. All around. You shouldn’t even be raising this poor child! I thought it was bad when you were a single mother but… a lesbian? Your child is severely disturbed because of it, don’t you see? IVY. Excuse me? BETHANY. Homosexuals are not fit parents. They only create gay babies. And we don’t want that. The family would suffer. IVY. What kind of bull… BETHANY. My point exactly. MORGAN. You’re not very nice, lady.

10 BETHANY. I’m just trying to show you God’s way. Read Romans 1:26! Read Ephesians 5: 22! “Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord! For the husband is the head of the wife!” ADRIENNE. Well, your companion seems to be a little bit… I don’t think she agrees with your prophecies. SARAH. I’m not… BETHANY. Yes. Sister Sarah and I will discuss her indiscretion… at length. But I will not stand by one moment longer and subject myself to such perversity. MORGAN. I would like it if you would not subject me to your perversity. (Morgan stands up, stands in between her mother and Ivy, and crosses her arms. They are a force joined.) BETHANY. Very well. Sarah. Let’s go. (Bethany turns and exits swiftly. Sarah, without a word, takes the case and the Bible and starts to walk out. Without turning to them, she puts the bible on a piece of furniture, and walks out. Adrienne looks at Morgan.) ADRIENNE. You are ridiculous. MORGAN. No one talks to my family like that. (Adrienne gives her a big hug.) ADRIENNE. I love you. MORGAN. I love you too, mom. (Morgan turns to Ivy, and hugs her as well. Ivy smiles.) IVY. Thank you Morgan. (Morgan smiles, and pulls away.) MORGAN. Now… can you please put some clothes on? (They all giggle as the lights fade.) END OF PLAY