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A ROAD TO HEALING: Sitting here, reading the 1st chapter which I wrote in the midst of despair and at the

e lowest point I could get in hating myself, I started to write down all that was squirming inside, hoping that if I dotted it down on paper it would leave my being and I would be free. Release did come, but it was temporary! Whenever anything remotely bad or negative towards me happened, directly or indirectly, I would go back to the valley o shadow o death and there, I would sit The 1st step I had to take, was to familiarize myself with the word of God, and only those scriptures pertaining to how He sees me: (Input scriptures here) I would read those scriptures, and I would pray and ask the Holy Spirit to bring them to my remembrance whenever hatred started to overwhelm me! I would also repeat that God loves me, He loves, He loves me, Father, you love me. They were empty words to me, as I mentioned before, I wouldnt believe when people told me they loved me, or gave me any other confirmation. The main problem was, I was looking at myself through the eyes of the devil, he bestowed on me, through circumstances, the wonderful gift of self hatred, which is the tool he would use to steel, rob and destroy us or anything of value to God. Before we can continue, you need to understand that whether you believe it or not, you have value. Sure, its easy for you to say it now, but let me explain. If you are of the belief that life and earth and the universe is purely an accident, then you should put this book down and kill yourself! What worth do you have if you are merely an accident, a clot of mud? But let me tell, you, and this is true, whether you believe it or not; as someone explained, if you have never seen nor visited Australia, and because of all lack of evidence you dont believe it exists, your belief, doesnt make it true. There is a God, a loving, forgiving, omnipotent and omniscient and all consuming God. (just an illustration, hoping I dont offend anyone!) SO there was God, in all eternity, and WHAM, He thought of You!

He thought of the kind and type of person you would be, how He would make you, how you would look, your personality, way of thought etc. Then, He took 9 months to form you cell by cell, He carefully woven you together to become the person you are today. Why would a loving God let this happen to me? you may ask. I do not know. We are subject to thieves, rapests, drunkards all manner of people, though its not Gods intend that we suffer so, but perhaps through your trials and tribulations like me, you could provide comfort, to those who need comfort. My point being: God would not labour over you, for so many years, if you didnt matter, if you didnt have value! Consider: God have brought you to read this book, He has kept you! The devil has tried EVERYTHING to destroy you! Why would the devil devout so much time and effort to something of little value, why would he try and convince you that you are of no worth? If you were, wouldnt he just leave you to die? If you were of no value, wouldnt all mighty God just remove life from you, wipe you out, start over? Like I said, all points to the fact that you have value! Dare to believe, dare to say: God, you love me, and again God, you love me again God, you love me, say it when you go to bed, say it waking up, brushing your teeth, taking a shower or a bath, say it as often as you would. But, let me warn you: When 1st I started on this road, I remember an elder from my church telling me to do this. I went home, lied down to sleep, and said: God, you love me and a complete and utter consuming hatred filled me and screamed at me that its a lie, I am talking rubbish, I am stupid and an idiot for saying and believing it. I stopped, I couldnt say it again. My friend, its the devil, be warned, dont stop, if it feels like a hurricane besets you, scream those words GOD, YOU LOVE ME!, AGAIN AND AGAINJESUS, YOU LOVE ME SCREAM THE NAME OF JESUS IF ITS ALL YOU CAN MUSTER! Read the word, speak to friends and pastors, talk/shout with the Holy Spirit, He can take it. If you feel frustrated dump it on Jesus! He is God, He can handle it, HE DIED for you, so that you can live in Him. God wants honesty above all else, I believe He desires honesty. In His words: God looks at the heart and again its His Spirit alone which searches our hearts and the heart of God.

If you are angry, shout at God, shout your anger, but do it because you want Him to help you with whatever emotion you are going through. I need to say, this is not a day or week or month planner. I fought and prayed for 34 years! In my 35th year, it pleased God to start working in my heart, to start healing me, and to bring freedom and acceptance to me. I can only highlight steps and actions and point out some threats along the way, but whatever you are going through my friend, it is between you and God, it is for the purposes He created you for, its so that you can live for Him! He has and desires the best for you. He has a good and perfect will and its so easy to live in it, its a simple prayer of faith: Father, today I desire to live in and according to your good and perfect will. I want to receive what is good and perfect from you. I want my will, thoughts and actions to reflect your good and perfect will. You see God is God, and we are not (is that a song?) It would be striving on our side to try and live in Gods will, to try and attain some life which is good and pleasing to Him! What I came (only recently and now by revelation) to understand is this: We can only live the day God gives us. If we mess up, Glory to God who forgives us, (His mercies are new EVERY MORNING THANK HIM), I can only effectively pray, which is really in my heart, else its a lie! So, if I am filled with a desire for a car or house or whatever, and I piously ask God to bless me with only a toothbrush, boy is that just a lie! He sees right through it, and my prayer bounces right off the ceiling. Pray whats in your heart, and ask Him to put His desires in your heart, and to materialize His desires in your live. Theres a scripture which states that God will give us the desires of our hearts. Now, there are two trains of thought here: 1. God will put His desire in our heart or 2. God will give us whatever we desire in our heart, but what if 3. We ask God to Give us His desires in our heart, and then also to materialize those desires? I believe, that is Gods good and perfect will, for us to live with His desires on our hearts and to live with the blessing of His desires.

Did you know, you are the desire on Gods heart? Yep, He desires you, He loves YOU! How do I Know this? Because He brought me from a place of self hatred and loathing to a place of loving myself, blessing, praising and thanking Him for whom He made me to be! I can even thank Him for ALL the times of trouble, because if anything, it gave me experience and wisdom to write this book. God is truly good. God loves you, did you hear me? GOD, LOVES YOU!, ask God to break open your heart, to speak to you, to tell you How He sees you, what your worth is in His eye, and hear Him speak to you: You are the apple of my eye, you are my beloved daughter, you are my beloved son. My child, I love you more than you know. I have such a love for you. My child, you are mine, and I love and adore you! You are perfect in My eyes. I love you, I love you, I love you! You have infinite worth and value to Me. My son Jesus died for you! I give you My hand, I give you My love, I give you My Spirit, My Presence with You, My Guidance, I will be with you wherever you go! I know your heart, I know every tear youve cried, every word youve spoken, every deed youve done, and I WANT TO TELL YOU, I LOVE YOU! Nothing you can do, nothing you can say can stop Me from LOVING you I do not care what lies have been spoken over you, I do not care what has been done to you, I LOVE YOU, I will pour Myself into you, My joy, My peace, My hope, My Love, My desires, My acceptance, if you Desire anything of Me, I will give it to you freely! Be still before me my child, be still and let My hand wipe away the tears in your heart, the hurts, the rejections, the hatred, the lies, the wrongs! You have built walls, will you allow me to break them down? I will not do anything which you do not desire at this moment. I love you, I want to bring healing and restoration, I want you to see the worth you have in My eyes, will you allow me to work in YOU? I am not a thieve who will come against your will, who comes to steal or destroy. Do not fear, I am the One who Created you with so much care and Love, I will build you up, I will restore you. You are a valuable vessel, damaged and broken, but I will mend you, I will lovingly remove all which is not of me. I am yours, you are Mine. Will you walk with Me? Will you allow me to lead you? Will you soften your voice and listen to My whispers?

I will not scream at you nor shout profanities at you. I love you. Close your eyes, be still in your heart, speak the name of My only Son, Jesus, and We will come to you. Jesus, Jesus, JesusI love you Jesus, sweet, loving Jesus, Mighty, Powerful Jesus, Savior, Redeemer Jesus, Lord of Lords and God of Gods, Beginning and End, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Worthy are you Jesus, I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus! If you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior and Friend, and you would like to, its so easy my friend, its a simple acknowledgment of your state of being and a simply request for Him to come and save you! Please, just say these words aloud: Jesus, I am lost in my sin, I am lost in my circumstances, I am LOST without you. You are the one who created me, Jesus, you are the one who died and rose for me, Jesus, you are the one who can wash away all my sins. I ask you Jesus, please, come and clean me from all my sins, wash me clean, bring healing to my mind and soul. Jesus, I accept you as my Lord and Savior and that you bring me in unity with the Father. I am seated in Jesus, I have the seal of Son ship by the Holy Spirit and I am free! I thank you Jesus, for your mighty saving power, for leading me to this point, for keeping me safe and leading me into salvation. I love you Jesus, I worship and adore you, creator of heavens and earth, King above all other kingdoms, rulers and authorities. Amen Now my friend, find a God honoring, true to the Bible church and start to build Godly friendships. If you dont know of any such church, ask God to lead you, to bring someone across your path or give you info. Hey, you are serving the KING of the UNIVERSE, for Him, nothing is impossible! Share what God has done, share the prayer you prayed and ask someone to pray with you and remember, God is with you, God is Love, God loves you, and there is nothing you can do to undo the fact that you are saved! Be blessed, be free, be a child, be a man/daughter of God most High, forgive others whatever wrong they did to you, forgive, as God has forgiven you! Your forgiveness, says God, means that He chooses to NOT remember your sins anymore, its removed from Him, its as though you never did anything wrong, go and love and live that out, towards other people, as though they did NOTHING wrong to you! Forgive, dont be stupid, dont let people steal from you, you forgive and they steal again, be wise, but be forgiving. Read the Bible, know the Bible, ask God to teach you and to make scriptures a Rock on which you can live.

UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED:

Why we are unconditionally loved is beyond me. When I look at my own selfish heart, my own selfish desires and motives, I tremble to think that God could love me unconditionally! But thats the beauty of unconditional love; its not dependent on any external factor other than the object of adoration and the source of that adoration. We are the objects of Gods adoration! We are the reason He created us, because He loves us, He loved who we would be; He loves the possibilities created in us to love Him with the love we received! You see, if I try and love God the way I know best it would come to nothing. So, how do I then love God? Well, all I could find is that I love God only when He pours His love into me. When does He do that? When I ask Him, when I spend time with Him with the aim to know Him more what makes You tick Father ? I can love Him when I ask Him to give me opportunities to share my testimony or any opportunity I get, because then, our actions arent selfish, but God focused. Oh, how my soul delights and even soars when I worship God and thank Him or every good and perfect gift, or every unanswered prayer and every withholding gift. I dont know why He doesnt answer my prayers, or give me my desires, but I do know that He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and THAT is the reason only reason I need to know why He does or doesnt answer prayers. He just knows better! I need to say that we arent loved UNCONDITIONALLY only NOW, or since we were born: We were loved since the time God decided to make us and being a Being outside of time, you could ponder that He didnt decide to make us, He knew He would make us, it was just a matter of time, when He would make us, it wasnt as if

He was sitting there thinking: how would be, should I make Like this or like that, should I make , or shouldnt I? If Gods love is truly UNCONDITIONAL, then he wouldnt even have considered whether to make me or you, He would just make us because He soo Loved us! Let your mind play with these thoughts a bit and then, read Ps.139! All I can ask is forgiveness that I ever doubted Gods love towards me, and that I will grow in understanding of His love for me; from such an understanding will love for God, His Church and His lost children grow. Everything God does is to demonstrate His Love! His power, His majesty everything He is flows through His heart of love. Father, help me, remove my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Help me to grow in your Love, that I may love You, the Bride and the Lost more than I love myself In 1 Tim God via Paul tells us that we did not receive a Spirit of fear, but of Power, Love and Self-control. May I elaborate on self-control very quickly? I realized today that self-control does not denote only the opportunity to say No, I will not!, but self-control includes in itself that we should, when there is a Godly opportunity to say Yes, I will indeed! I went to the movies last night with a very dear friend of mine. In the queue to buy snacks, a man stood, and started talking with us. My friend went to the bathroom and afforded me the opportunity to build some sort of friendship. We chatted for 5min or so, got our snacks and parted. As we exited the movie, we saw a woman pushing a boy in a wheelchair. With them was the man I talked with in the queue. My friend went to the bathroom, and I waitedas I waited, my spirit was touched by a scene in the movies, and I just sensed Gods strength in me, my spirit soared! At that time, the parents of the boy came pushing him past, and tightness gripped me: I should go and pray for that boy! Imagine if God heals him! God CAN heal Him, God is so very able to heal him, God, you can do this! These were some of my overpowering thoughts and almost overwhelming faith. I didnt goI waited for my friend... I had to repent of fear the very thing Gods word taught me I dont have! I had to repent of disobedience, and the consequence that my disobedience had: everything which God couldve done through faithful obedience was undone through disobedience.

I also realized, that condemnation and guilt is from the devil, and that would cause me to doubt Gods love for me and who I am in Him, and I had to discern between guilt and sorrow! Sorrow is very Godly, sorrow makes us learn and keeps us humble. I did not practice self-control. That scripture was not true for me and I must ask God to make it true in every way: Release from the spirit of fear Live in the Power of God Live with the Love of God Say Yes or No to opportunities which will or will not glorify God via deliberate self-control.

Self-control is keeping quiet when you should, staying humble, being meek, encouraging when you should, remember, its saying yes and no to great and small. Whatever we do will either invite the Holy Spirit of God or it will chase Him away. He is the sensitive dove in relation to us, tender to the touch and sweet in love, almighty in power and majesty; He is God, dwelling in you and me. We live righteous lives for it will affect God more in us, and us, closer with Him and then more of Him can flow through us to the world! Holiness, purity and righteousness is an ever growing, increasing cycle

FORGIVENESS:

For many years did I ask God to forgive everyone who hurt me throughout my life. I asked Him to help me forgive and to forget and to not hold onto unforgiveness. Thoughts criss-crossed my mind, everything which was done to me, which caused me to be a malfunctioning child of God, I hated the people who did these things to me and I wanted them to know what they did. This however didnt seem right. If Ive truly forgiven, then I wouldnt want people to know the effects of their wrongful ways, so I would pray for forgiveness again, and againthe cycle would just repeat itself, year in and year out. This past Desember (2009), God however brought such a heaviness on my heart to resolve issues with my step dad, and amazingly, God also gave me opportunity to do so. When push came to shove, I realized if I am to forgive, I must just forgive, not mention the past, not mention the bad done to me, nor reflect or draw my step-dads memory to such once painful events. God does not remind us of our sins when we ask forgiveness, His forgiveness is complete and final, He doesnt remind us of how unholy we were, or how cruel etc. He removes and He washes clean. ANOTHER REASON PERHAPS THE MAIN REASON FOR FORGIVENESS, I WOULD THINK, AND ALSO THE REASON THE BIBLE TELLS US TO FORGIVE AS WE HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN IS THIS:

WHEN WE STAND BEFORE GOD ONEDAY, THE ACCUSER, THE DEVIL WILL COME AND ACCUSE US. WHATEVER WE HAVE DONE, WILL BE FORGIVEN THROUGH THE BLOOD OF JESUS. NOW, IMAGINE YOU AND SOMEONE WHO WRONGED YOU ARE BROUGHT BEFORE GOD AND GOD STARTS TO JUDGE THAT SOMEONE ON ACCOUNT OF ALL HE DID TO YOU? WOULD YOU WANT TO BE THE ACCOUSER, WOULD YOU WANT TO BE THE REASON SOMEONE ELSE IS JUDGED BY GOD, BECAUSE YOU DIDNT FORGIVE THEM? PERHAPS THEY DESERVE TO BE JUDGED, BUT LET THAT BE BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS AND BECAUSE THEY DID NOT ASK FORGIVENESS, BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU DIDNT FORGIVE THEM. I BELIEVE IT WOULD BE A GOD HONERING ACT IF WE COME BEFORE GOD, HE OPENS THE SCROLL TO JUDGE EVERYONE WHO WRONGED US, AND THE SHEAT IS EMPTY! CAN YOU SEE GOD SMILING, HIS HEART JUST BEAMING WITH LOVE BECAUSE EVERY OUNCE OF LOVE HE BESTOWED ON YOU, YOU RETURNED FROM A HEART OF LOVE AND THANKFULNES? MAY GOD ONLY JUDGE PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR PERSONAL UNCLENSED ACCOUNT WITH HIM, AND NOT BECAUSE GOD HAS TO JUDGE ON OUR BEHALF. Forgiveness is next to Godliness! PS. Why do we want the burden of remembering all the wrongs, perhaps that is why God chooses NOT to remember!