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SCRAPBOOKING CONVENTION Jay leads the gang into the large, long hall where a Scrapbooking Weekend is taking place. There are tables covered in things for sale, and women of all shapes, sizes, and ages are working dubiously at completing scrapbook pages. The guys start to wander. We see SOCCER MOMS, LITTLE GIRLS, ELDERLY WOMEN, ROUGH LESBIANS, EXTREMELY PEPPY GIRLS, and many other unappealing groups. PHIL There’s no way we’re picking up anybody here. I feel really out of place. Teddy is eyeing a pair of CREEPY TWIN GIRLS scrapbooking together. He looks disgusted at their pages, which are messy. One of the adolescent twins blows a handful of glitter into his face. TEDDY Ah! The twins from The Shining are into scrapbooking! He frantically tries to strip his beard of the glitter. Suddenly, Jay stops them. JAY Wait just a minute-The guys all stop and turn to where he’s fixated. There are THREE HOT LADIES scrapbooking off in this corner, by themselves. They are way less scrapbooking though, and way more sneaking sips from a bottle of Jack. They giggle and flirt with each other while the guys stare on. JAY (CONT’D) Jackpot. Jay leads his group over to their newfound venture. JAY (CONT’D) Hey there ladies! The girls are pretty tipsy. They don’t skip a beat. Their leader leans forward at her table. This is GWEN. GWEN Hi there. What are you guys doing here, are you closet scrapbookers? Her friends continue to tee-hee.
JAY Uh, yes. Yes we are. We’re awfully lonely all the way on the other side of the hall, we were wondering if you girls wanted to combine tables? Gwen puts her elbows down on the tables and squeezes her breasts together in her couldn’t-be-smaller, low-cut vintage tee, showing some incredibly nice cleavage. GWEN I think we can fit you in somewhere. Jay’s eyes get that sparkle. Teddy and Phil check out the other two girls, who smile back. Gwen stands up, pointing to her name tag. GWEN (CONT’D) I’m... (reading) Gwen. This is Tabitha and Precious. Teddy steps forward and grabs TABITHA’S hand and kisses it. She’s tattooed and dressed tightly. TEDDY Tabitha. Beautiful name. PRECIOUS, the last girl with dark makeup and a standoffish aura cocks her head to Phil. PHIL Precious? PRECIOUS Yeah, I had the name first, that big bitch from the movie stole it. She pounds the bottle of Jack. Phil gulps. INT. SCRAPBOOKING CONVENTION - LATER It’s shots and shots later, and the girls are hanging on their new friends. Each of them is paired off. Gwen finishes the last of the Jack bottle and slurps the neck of the bottle seductively to Jay who stares on in delight. JAY Wow that was something. Too bad we don’t have another bottle.
Tabitha quickly raises a much larger bottle of Jack from under the table and the girls go wild. The guys almost seem a bit outdone. PHIL You girls sure know how to party. GWEN This is nothing. We just have to sneak it, you’re not supposed to have booze at this thing. She tilts the humongous bottle back and swigs it, sloppily. An older, uptight looking woman approaches. UPTIGHT WOMAN Excuse me! Are you drinking alcohol in here? Gwen lets the bottle drop to the table. There’s some dripping off her lips. GWEN I just stopped. Her friends laugh like crazy. The guys look a little worried. UPTIGHT WOMAN You must leave at once! This is an alcohol-free event. PRECIOUS This is a fun-free event! TEDDY You tell ‘em, Precious! The guys shoot Teddy a look. He lowers his pumped fist. GWEN Fine. We’re out of here. (gathering things) Come on, guys. Let’s go party in our suite. The girls follow her lead. Phil, Teddy, and Jay awkwardly trail them. TEDDY (whispering) Guys! They got a suite, too!
JAY I’ve got a good feeling about these girls. PHIL I’m not sure that I do. INT. GIRLS SUITE LIVING ROOM - LATER The girls are sloshed as the guys follow them into their smaller, but still nice, suite at the hotel. GWEN Make yourselves comfortable. She burps. Phil cringes. Jay’s into it. Tabitha fingermotions Teddy to follow her into the kitchen. He follows. Precious plops down on the couch and takes out a good amount of COCAINE and starts cutting it on the table. PRECIOUS Phil, is it Phil? Come here, come take a few bumps. Phil is shocked. PHIL Oh, no. I’m good. I’ve taken a lot of bumps, lately. GWEN Come on stud, let’s leave these two alone. She pulls Jay by his waist into a kiss that causes them to fall towards a bedroom door. They collide into it and then it’s quickly slammed. Phil is alone with Precious, who does a quick line. PRECIOUS (sniffing) Fuck! Yes! That is good. Yes. She wipes her nose and chugs the Jack from earlier. She goes to do another one. Phil runs over and joins her. PHIL Hey! Why don’t we stop mixing all the uppers and downers for just a second and just, just talk? How’s that?
She stops. She stares at him. And she immediately begins balling her eyes out. PRECIOUS (collapsing into Phil) I-I-I’m so stooooooopid. She cries, sending mascera fireworks down her cheeks. Phil holds her, freaking out about what to do. INT. GIRLS SUITE KITCHEN Tabitha is shaking up a can of whipped cream and staring down Teddy. She goes to spray it on him, but stops. TABITHA Wait, take off your glasses. He does. TABITHA (CONT’D) And your shirt. He removes it like a little kid would. She points the can and begins coating his body in whipped cream. He takes it, loving it. INT. GIRLS SUITE BEDROOM Jay is being pinned down by Gwen. She straddles him hard, as they’re both near naked. GWEN You like that baby? You like how that feels? JAY Yep. I sure do. Feels great. GWEN Baby likes it doesn’t he? Little bitty baby loves his momma? Jay’s face changes. But he doesn’t stop humping. JAY Yeah. I, I do. She reaches to the night stand and flicks the light off.
INT. GIRLS SUITE LIVING ROOM Precious is pacing around the room, still crying. GWEN ...and my kid’s in Juvie, again! You know? It’s just like what the fuck, like what the fuck!? Phil looks like he’s heard tales of murder. PHIL Alright! Why don’t we do this. Why don’t I get you a glass of water, and we can sit and relax, and just meditate for a bit? That’s what I do when I’m all worked up. Let’s do that! Phil runs towards the kitchen. INT. GIRLS SUITE KITCHEN Phil swings open the door to find Teddy on the floor, covered head to toe in whipped cream, as Tabitha pours vegetable oil over her naked body before running, diving, and sliding across him. Phil immediately closes the door and retreats. INT. GIRLS SUITE LIVING ROOM Phil returns to find an empty room. PHIL Precious? Precious, where’d you go? The patio door is slid open. The curtain blows in the breeze. PHIL (CONT’D) Mother of god! He runs towards the door. INT. GIRLS SUITE BEDROOM It’s almost pitch black, we can only see slight silhouettes of Gwen and Jay. They are having sex. GWEN Oh, yeah, baby! Play with my nipples. Play with momma’s nipples.
JAY No problem. Not a problem at all. She continues to rock on him. GWEN Mmm yeah, just like that, don’t stop. We see some shifting. Somebody has moved somewhere else on the bed. Jay, mouth full, is humming and slurping away. Then-JAY (stopping all motion) Hmm? Jay clicks the lights back on to find Gwen holding a BABY’S PACIFIER in his mouth with her foot. She’s also trying to slider a DIAPER on him around his ankles. He spits the pacifier out. JAY (CONT’D) What the fuck? EXT. BALCONY Phil hops out on to the balcony. Precious is nowhere in sight. He then sees a pair of hands straddling the balcony railing and realizes it’s her, leaning forward, staring forty stories down. He rushes over. PHIL Precious! What the hell are you doing? PRECIOUS My name is Precious. Do you know how depressing that is? She goes to let go, but he grabs both her wrists. PHIL Ah! Come on. It’s not that bad. What about Precious...Moments! The figurines. Those are nice. Those are very...well-made. She leans on him, finally. He hoists her back up and over the railing. PRECIOUS I’m a goddamned mess, Bill.
PHIL It’s Phil. And so am I, at the moment. He cradles her as she sobs. Then he starts to sniff the air. PHIL (CONT’D) What the hell is that smell? They reenter the house to find Jay, rapidly sprinting out of the bedroom passed them, in a half-ripped diaper and a really small bib. JAY That’s it! I can’t do it! I’ve met some crazy bitches, but that one takes the cake! Gwen follows him, topless, grasping a BREAST PUMP. GWEN Baby’s gotta feed before baby goes night night! She runs around Jay and blocks the main door. Phil notices smoke billowing out of the kitchen. PHIL Fire! They all run into the kitchen to find Teddy and Tabitha, desperately trying to put out a pretty roaring fire. PHIL (CONT’D) Teddy what the hell is happening? TEDDY Our sexy souffle got out of control! They bat at the flames with rags. There’s a blowtorch on the counter. Everyone screams and goes crazy. EXT. HOTEL FRONT - EARLY MORNING The whole crew is standing around with blankets shivering in the cold night. A FIREMAN approaches them. FIREMAN What the hell were you all doing up there?
ALL ...Scrapbooking. PRECIOUS (chiming in late) Cocaine. (then) Scrapbooking?
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