Finish It or Throw It Out (Sketch) By Steve Sarro and Ben Emery
Copyright 2012 Steve Sarro
INT. LOGAN AIRPORT, SECURITY LINE Carl and Susan, a married couple in their forties, are waiting in the security line with their ten-year-old son Danny and their eight-year-old daughter Jessie. Carl is wearing a flashy Hawaiian shirt, Danny is wearing Mickey Mouse ears and Jessie is wearing a Disney Princesses t-shirt. The adults have carry-on luggage, the kids have age-appropriate knapsacks. Carl is holding up his iPhone to take a picture of his family. Jessie sips from a juice box and is bouncing with energy. Danny occasionally tugs at his ear. Susan looks tense. CARL Say "Disney!" DANNY, JESSIE & SUSAN "DISNEY!" SUSAN Okay Carl, that’s enough pictures. CARL (annoyed) Honey, will you relax. SUSAN (to Danny) How’s your ear, sweetie? DANNY What? CARL He’s fine, aren’t you buddy? DANNY What? CARL Not going to let a little ear infection ruin his first trip to Disney World, are you buddy! Danny tugs his ear. Susan glances anxiously at her watch. SUSAN We should have left sooner, if everybody had finished packing yesterday like I asked... (to a man behind them in line:) Excuse me, are you taking the flight to Orlando?
MAN Uh, no, I’m headed to Chicago. SUSAN (panicking) Chicago? We’re in the wrong line! CARL Honey, relax, this is the right line. SUSAN He’s going to CHICAGO, we’re in the wrong line! DANNY What? CARL This is the United Airlines terminal, it’s the same security line for all of the United flights. MAN (helpfully) Oh, yeah, I’m flying United. CARL (to the man, pointedly) Sorry, she doesn’t really travel. I travel for work, and if she would just trust me and relax, I think she’d find this would be a much more pleasant trip for everybody. MAN (uncomfortably) Oh. Heh. (Changing subject:) So, you guys are going to Disney World? JESSIE Yes, I LOVE Disney World! I love it I love it I love it!!! DANNY I have an ear infection. MAN Oh... CARL Okay Danny, that’s enough. Remember we talked about being a trouper? (CONTINUED)
A TSA agent shouts instructions to the line, Susan listens anxiously. TSA AGENT Ladies and gentlemen, please be prepared when you reach the front of the line... CARL Hey Danny, what ride are we gonna go on first? JESSIE Cinderella’s Castle!!! SUSAN Honey, shhh... (straining to hear TSA agent) TSA AGENT Shoes off, belts off, all items from your pockets must be emptied in the trays provided... CARL Pirates of the Caribbean, right Danny? DANNY What? CARL (to the man) Ever since he saw the movie it’s all he’s been talking about, he’s obsessed... JESSIE I wanna see Cinderella’s Castle!!! SUSAN Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh! SECURITY GUARD Any liquid items must be in three-ounce containers in a clear 1-quart zip-top plastic bag. SUSAN (panicking) What did she say?
JESSIE Cinderella’s Castle!!! DANNY What? SUSAN Shh, honey! Carl, what did she say about liquids? DANNY What did who say? SUSAN SHHH! SECURITY GUARD No other liquids will be allowed on the plane, finish them now or throw them in the trash bin. CARL (realizing something) Oh, dammit... SUSAN We have to dispose of what? CARL We can’t take any liquids on the plane unless they’re in those little bottles in a plastic bag... SUSAN (angrily) You didn’t tell me that! (to Jessie:) Oh, honey, you can’t take your juice box on the plane, we have to throw it in the trash. JESSIE NO! I just opened it!!! SUSAN (urgently) Well, you’ll have to drink it quickly, sweetheart! Jessie sips furiously from her straw. CARL Oh dammit, the wine...
CONTINUED: SUSAN WHAT??? CARL Well, you said you were nervous about flying, so I brought some...
Carl digs into his carry-on bag, produces a bottle of red wine. SUSAN Carl!!! What were you thinking? CARL I thought it would help you relax! SUSAN They have wine on the plane! CARL My dear, we’re not paying ten dollars for a tiny little bottle of wine. SUSAN You need to throw that out! CARL Throw it out! Oh no-no-no-no-no, absolutely not. This is a ’95 Chateau Margaux, this is a $400 bottle of wine. Oh no, we’re drinking this. Carl reaches into his bag and produces a corkscrew and two plastic cups, proceeds to uncork the wine. SUSAN Oh, Jesus! CARL (sharply under his breath) Honey, I need you to pull yourself together right now, do you want to ruin this family’s first trip to Disney World? Now here. He pours her a cup and hands it to her, then pours himself a cup. SUSAN (shocked) Huh! Huh!
CARL (toasting) To Disney World! JESSIE DISNEEEY! DANNY What are we doing? Is that juice? I’m thirsty... Carl "clinks" Susan’s cup and Jessie’s juice box. Resigned, Susan empties her cup in one swig. CARL Nice, honey! Round two! He pours them both another, he sniffs and swirls it in his cup. CARL Shame to rush through this, look at the beautiful legs on this! He knocks it back quickly CARL Mmm, nutty! SUSAN I have a headache. Where are my aspirin... She roots around in her purse, finds something. SUSAN Oh, my Mucinex, I’m going to have to throw this out... CARL What are you throwing out now? SUSAN (Wine starting to take effect) Oh, relax honey, we’ll just pick some more up down in Disney Land... DANNY Mom... CARL Oh, think again, dear. You know how much they gouge you on the price of (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CARL (cont’d) everything down there, it’ll be fifty Disney Dollars for a teeny tiny little bottle of this stuff. DANNY Mom, I’m thirsty! SUSAN Honey, it’s really fine, my sinuses aren’t bothering me. Carl pours a big glass of Mucinex. CARL Drink as much of this as you can. SUSAN Honey! CARL (temper rising) Do you have fifty Disney Dollars for a bottle of Mucinex? DANNY haa-CHOO! Pause. Susan and Carl look at Danny. SUSAN Here sweetie, drink this. She hands him the cup of Mucinex, he sips it, makes a face, continues to sip it. Carl continues to swig another cup of wine. SUSAN Quickly, sweetie. DANNY I don’t like how it tastes... CARL Oh, give me that! Carl grabs the cup, shoots back the entire contents of Mucinex, chases it with the rest of his cup of wine. He takes a breath, grabs the Mucinex bottle and chugs the rest of it, then chases it with wine from the bottle.
SUSAN (laughs, tipsily) Honey, what the hell are you doing? JESSIE I have to go pee! SUSAN Just a little longer, honey. (encouragingly) Keep drinking your juice box! Drink your juice! Come on! Carl swallows back the large swig of wine he just took, takes a breath, is unsteady on his feet. CARL (incoherently) Fifty Disney Dollars, do you have any idea how much money fifty Disney Dollars is... Susan laughs, takes the bottle from him, takes a swig. JESSIE Mommy, is Daddy sick? SUSAN I don’t know honey, drink your juice! DANNY Mom, my ear hurts. SUSAN Huh? Oh, sweetie, your ear medicine, it’s time for... Susan fishes into her purse, pulls out a bottle of ear medicine, then freezes: SUSAN (gasps) Oh christ, your ear medicine! CARL (slurring) Ear medicine! They’ve reached the front of the line.
CONTINUED: TSA AGENT Please empty all items in your pockets in the trays. Please put your bags onto the conveyor belt. Little girl, you’re going to have to finish that juice box or throw it out. JESSIE Finished!
Jessie burps loudly, steps up and puts her knapsack on the conveyor belt. TSA Agent notices the bottle in Susan’s hand. TSA AGENT Ma’am, that bottle does not meet regulations for carry-on liquids, I’m afraid you’re going to have to throw it out. CARL (still slurring) Throw it out?! SUSAN Okay, just wait, please, just wait just a second! Hold still honey! Susan frantically takes Danny’s head, tips it on its side, unscrews the medicine bottle with her teeth and pours as much of it in his ear as she can until the TSA Agent wrestles the bottle from her. Danny remains with his head tilted and turned away from the action, oblivious, for the rest of the scene. TSA AGENT Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! Ma’am you are going to need to give me that bottle! CARL Give me that bottle! He rips the bottle from the agent’s hand and drinks its entire contents. SUSAN (screaming) CARL! TSA AGENT Sir! Sir! She restrains Susan and talks into her radio. (CONTINUED)
TSA AGENT I need backup here at the United security check! Carl finishes the bottle and smashes it on the ground. His eyes and nose are running, there is foam at the corners of his mouth. He starts to unbutton his shirt, sputtering a horrible gagging noise: CARL HAAAGHHCK!! HAAGHHCK!! HAAAGHHCK!!! Jessie starts crying. Another agent runs in to restrain Carl. An alarm goes off at the x-ray machine scanning the carry-on luggage. Another TSA agent watching the monitor removes Jessie’s knapsack, opens it and retrieves a snow globe: TSA AGENT 2 Whose Cinderella’s Castle snow globe is this? JESSIE (crying) That’s mine! Cinderella’s Castle, give it back! (sobs) CARL (screaming) Cinderella’s Castle!!! Carl breaks free of the agent restraining him and lunges across conveyor belt, rips snow globe from the agent’s hand and screams as he smashes it on the table, shattering it and releasing its liquid contents everywhere. Jessie screams. The second TSA agent tackles Carl, other agents swarm to assist him, he and Susan are forcibly taken away. Another agent picks up Jessie and carries her off. Danny, who has remained oblivious with his back to the scene, turns around and finds the others missing. DANNY What? END