Puteri Gunung Ledang Parody List of characters Puteri Gunung Ledang: A girl in her late 20’s, shopaholic, foolish

and arrogant, a spoilt child still dreaming of her prince charming. King: In his early 30’s, womanizer, shopaholic, arrogant, thinks he’s extremely handsome, selfish, doesn’t care about others opinion unless it suits him. Advisor 1: A wise elderly. Sick of the King’s bad habits, lack of self- confidence, usually goes unnoticed. Advisor 2: A loud guy in his late 40’s. Greedy, never wear his formal attire formally. Always prey on how the situation would benefit his pocket. Minion: An uncaring intelligent woman in her early 20’s. Knows many current issues but doesn’t care about it especially when it comes to dealing with Puteri Gunung Ledang. Trader: A trader by heart. Money comes before sympathy. His true intention is on the country’s finance but covers it under the veil of “helping the citizens”. Civilian 1: A woman in her 40’s. Civilian 2: A man in his late 20’s.

Scene 1 KOPITIAM 2 civilians are sitting opposite to each other on the roundtable in a certain kopitiam. The civilians have the look of weary but frustrated workers. [Lights on] Civilian 1: (rise suddenly while banging the table) I had enough! I work all day long, working my ass off for that crazy king. God, I haven’t seen my husband and kids for months! Civilian 2: (lazily while playing with his mug) Dude, you’re living under the same roof! Don’t exaggerate too much. Civilian 1: (pouts) Are you taking away my freedom of speech? (making faces) I mean, I haven’t had the leisure time to spend with my family at all! Civilian 2: (still lazily) Yeah, yeah~ My mother only nags me ‘bout marriage. If I have a reason to hate that corrupt king, it’ll be about my wages. If he’s taking all the fortune, I’ll be kissing my marriage goodbye.

Civilian 1: (sarcastic) Don’t worry ‘bout that. No one wants you anyway. (serious) But you’re right. If this continues, we’ll be dead from poverty. That lousy fool ought to be taught a lesson. Civilian 2: (annoyed) Let’s not talk about that thieving king! Anyway, I don’t want just any girl. I’ll be tackling a princess soon enough. (boasting) Puteri Gunung Ledang.(dreamy) The prettiest woman alive. Civilian 1: (disgusted) You? And her? Give it up, man! She might mysteriously pretty, but she’s definitely old. No woman can be pretty forever. And how long has she live anyway? 1000 years? Civilian 2: You’re just jealous. (deep in thought) Still, I do hear some troubling rumours ‘bout her. With my current financial standing, I wonder if I could get her. Civilian 1: Civilian 2: (brightens) Yes!! What? What? You got a way for me to woo her?

Civilian 1: Don’t dream of it buddy. I know which rumour you meant. The fact that she’s godso-rich is awesomely a bonus. But let me share you something that will make both of us satisfied…………………….. The civilians start to talk in whispers. [Lights off]

Scene 2 IN SHOPPING COMPLEX [Lights on] The king is looking through the ladies bags. His two advisors just stood there looking boredly at the bags. Advisor 1: (cough to attract the king’s attention) Excuse me, your majesty. May I be reminded why we are here again? King: (smiling innocently) Oh, my loyal Beni. I am extremely fond of this colour. Don’t you think it would look awfully good on Princess Macy?

Advisor 1: (cough again) Excuse me, your highness. My name is not Beni. It’s Lupe. And, (cough) Princess Macy of Wind country had just broken up with you yesterday. King: (dejected) I know that, idiot! I was trying not to think about it by buying more stuff for her. Who knows, she might come back to me?

Advisor 1: Your highness, that’s what you said when Princess Lulu, Princess Rico, Mahsuri, Princess Santubong and…. King: Oh geez, shut up! Who are those girls anyway? They’re stupid I tell ya! They don’t fit to be with me anyway. What was her name again, that Santi..

Advisor 2: (cuts in) Santubong, my lord. Don’t be so tense, Luban. Our lord can do what he wants. Look at what happen to Princess Santubong. She left him then was cursed to be a mountain. Advisor 1: King: Advisor 1: Advisor 2: King: It’s Lupe. Still we need to see the point here. Are you trying to order me around, Loki? No, your highness. And it’s Lupe by the way. I.. You’re very rude to the king now, my friend. Let me take over. Yes. You should. I’m tired of Lid’s nagging.

Advisor 2: I think my company here wants us to start discussing about your marriage and the country’s financial status. King: Oh, no prob. No prob. Every girl wants me. I’m handsome after all. As for that annoying money thingy, do the usual. Increase tax. Just get rid of nuisance that oppose me.

Advisor 1: Your highness, even the citizens are broke. We have taken everything from them. Not one of them have their own asset anymore. King: Really? Oh well, should we wage war?

Advisor 2: (scared) umm, with the current soldiers, I’m afraid not. Instead, my lord, I have a better and more brilliant idea. Advisor 1: You do?

Advisor 2: Oh, silly. We both heard about it earlier today. Puteri Gunung Ledang. The one who commands the Ledang Mountain. King: She’s in command. (bored) What about this old lady?

Advisor 2: She’s not an old lady, my lord. She’s our country’s remedy. She’s rich, and extremely pretty. And your task, my king, is too woo her to be your bride. King: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: Advisor 2: That’s a piece of cake. Are you sure that’s all? I thought we’re saving a country here. Trust me, that’s all. You’re too smart to handle the details anyway. Are you sure it’s alright to do this? We don’t even know her background. We heard those two earlier. She’s the right choice.

Advisor 1: Advisor 2: [Lights off]

These things need proper planning. What if something goes wrong? Whatever, everything is wrong. Let’s just see if this will make it right.

Scene 3 IN A LUXURY BUNGALOW ON TOP OF A HILL - LIVINGROOM Puteri Gunung Ledang is in the living room, sitting on a sofa while staring at a bunch of papers on the table. She looked more annoyed with each passing second. [Lights on] PGL: (stood up, circling the table, focusing on the papers) God, my History test was better than this! (take the papers) AMEX 8000?? Visa 4000, Mastercard 6000… what the heck? When did this happen??!! I didn’t remember buying THAT much~ Suddenly, Puteri Gunung Ledang’s minion walks by with a trolley filled with piles of handbags, purse, clothes, jewelleries and make-ups belonging to her. Minion: PGL: (rudely) Where should I put all this? (alarmed) Hide it, you buffoon!! I don’t want those debt collectors taking all these away. They’re my life! Hide it where? You have this big mansion about to be taken, and only a sofa and a table. Where should I hide this? Under the table? You don’t even have a tablecloth. Urgh, useless! Use your brain and think! I don’t want to think for you all the time. It’s vice versa actually. Oh, whatever.. (on his way to exit the stage) By the way, they’ll be taking the table and sofa too. (making faces) taking the table and sofa too~ Fine, maybe I did spend a bit too much. But what a cruel world! Why can’t they let a girl enjoy some finery? That stuff isn’t displayed for fun. They’re to be bought!! And all I did was doing the right thing as a buyer. I buy. The cashier will be happy, the designers are happy.. just why on earth does that pathetic bank hates me? They have loads of money already. Such greed.. Euwwwhh~

Minion:

PGL: Minion:

PGL:

Puteri Gunung Ledang then sits on the sofa and sighs. Among the heaps of papers is a newspaper. Puteri Gunung Ledang suddenly take notice on the featured article. PGL: The King is looking for a bride?! Hmm…. He IS king, so he should be able to pay all my debts right? (suddenly barge in and interrupts) Not really. He’s pretty much bankrupt. Oh, shut up! What do you know? A lot more than you do. (glare at Minion) You! Hmph! In any case, how do I get this person to notice me? Easy. Just go around the mall and act like a slutty woman. Ouu, that sounds tough. How do I act like that? (gape) Just be yourself. (shook) You’ll get him, trust me.

Minion: PGL: Minion: PGL: Minion: PGL: Minion: [Lights off]

Scene 4 AT THE BOARDWALK The King is pacing to and fro many times as the advisor watch in silence. The boardwalk is as silent as forest. Only his repeating footsteps can be heard. [Lights on] King: We’ve been searching for a whole week. How come no one knows where she lives?

Advisor 2: That’s coz she’s careful in hiding her wealth. It’s alright, my lord. The time will come. I have sources saying that she’ll be around here sometime today. King: Who did you hear it from? I demand to know!

Advisor 2: Oh they’re here. I made sure they come so that I can punish them if all they said turns out to be a lie. Lohan, bring the two of them here. Advisor 1: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: Advisor 2: I do hope you’re just joking. About what? For God’s sake, my name is Lupe!! Uh-oh. Ok, get me those commoners.

Advisor 1:

(grunts) Alright, alright.

Advisor 1 left the stage. [Lights off] .. [Lights on] King: Advisor 2: How long do I have to wait? I’m the king, you know? Patience, my lord.

Advisor 1 then enters the stage bringing with him the two civilians. Advisor 2: King: Aha! These are the commoners who told me of Puteri Gunung Ledang. Kneel, pheasant!

The civilians kneel before the king, feeling ridiculously annoyed. King: Civilian 2: Advisor 2: Why is the Princess not showing up when you said she will? How would I know, do I look like her mom? (knocks Civilian 2 head) Answer with manners!

Civilian 2: Excuse me, your highness. For I am not the Princess mother, so I do not know why she choose not to come and be expected by you today. Advisor 1: Your highness, why don’t we wait for a little longer. The citizens probably are tired from work. Do forgive them. King: Advisor 1: Hmph! Then shut this one and make the other one speak! (Look at Civilian 1)You may speak.

Civilian 1: The Princess, your highness, is on her way. She has heard that you will be going to the mall through this path but she is extremely anxious so she took a lot of time dressing up appropriately just to see you. King: Civilian 1: King: Advisor 1: (proud) Well well, I guess even Puteri Gunung Ledang have heard of my charm. Speak of the devil, and she will come. She’s here, my King. Wait, she’s a devil? (glare at the advisors) You want me to marry a devil? Your highness, it’s just an expression. She’s not a devil… (look away) I think.

Puteri Gunung Ledang enters the scene with Minion. Pretending not to see the King, she walked past by him.

Civilian 2: Civilian 1: King:

My God, she’s pretty….. Look at all those expensive brands.

(immediately goes to Puteri Gunung Ledang) My love, how exhilarating I felt to know that your sole beauty is for my eyes. You have come for me, dearest. And I shall take you to be mine. (disgusted) Um, excuse me! Since when do I know you? Get lost, I come at a high price. I don’t date crappy people like you. ehem, Ledang. He’s the King. What? You’re serious? He looks cheap! Oit! He can hear you. Not to worry my dear for I have been enchanted by you. I too, have my flaws. But I am King, there’s nothing I can’t get. So tell me my dear, what does it take for me to have you? (whispers to Minion) Are you kidding me? He looks totally retarded. (whisper) It’s not like I was onto this plan in the first place. You’re the one with debt. (whisper)Oh yea, my debt! Retarded or not, he better get me all that I want. Oh King, if you are that honest and eager, I may be able to think of it. Dear Princess, think of it now. I shall have it done. Oh, ok! Then hmmm… (deep in thought).. here are my conditions1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. Jimmy Choo exclusive heels. One of those RM 8 000 Gucci bags A closet of Channels designs Oh, and although Dolly’s a bit odd, I want to wear them nowadays so get me another closet full of them. Bonia and Swatch designer watches. I want a lot of it so I could make a display of them at home. Dior’s make-ups. Uuu~ they’re my favourites! And Tiffany’s and Natalie K’s jewelleries. Hmm.. what else? Ah, Don’t forget a fully furnished mansion. I think that’s a… Oh, and a simple RM 20 000 check, and I need the check urgently.

PGL:

Minion: PGL: Minion: King:

PGL: Minion: PGL: PGL: King: PGL:

Everyone except Puteri Gunung Ledang froze. Advisor 1: King: Your highness, let’s re-discuss this again.

Oh no, a man have to toughen up and accept this sort of ordeals. I agree to all of it. And when I have managed to prepare it all, my princess, we shall wed.

PGL: Advisor 2: PGL: Civilian 2: King: Advisor 1: Advisor 2:

(purse lips) erm… yea. Sure. Wait, if the princess have set up conditions, we should too. What?! That’s un-gentlemanly. He’s a king. He’s not a gentleman. Hush, you pheasants. This is a fair and square deal, wouldn’t you agree? No. Come now, my lord. Your condition won’t trouble the Princess, I shall assure to that.

(turns to Puteri Gunung Ledang) The King shall add his condition- once the two of you wed, you shall share all assets and money. Is that acceptable? PGL: (to the audience; monolog) Share his assets? What will I lose, it’s not like I got anything to share.. I’ll only be taking what’s his. (laugh) Ok, I accept. Advisor 2: Well then, let us take our leave so that we could prepare the necessary arrangements. [Lights off]

Scene 5 IN THE PALACE The king was sitting on the throne while the two advisors stand each at his side. Advisor 1 was looking flustered while Advisor 2 was simply drunk. [Lights on] Advisor 1: Advisor 2: King: We really shouldn’t proceed. How will we get the money? Oh just increase the tax

Yep, make those pheasants work. They live in this peaceful country without war, all thanks to me. They should pay up as gratitude. Yea, (hiccups) they should. I need some more for my pocket too.

Advisor 2:

Advisor 1: We can’t do that to our citizen. And your highness, please be aware of the dire situation right now. We have nothing. The citizens are too very poor. How will you get the Princess and save the country?

King: Advisor 1: King:

Oh relax.. there’s always a way. And we need that “way” now, your highness! Now…. Oh tell Ligi whatever your plan is.

Advisor 2: Ligggg~ (hiccups) There’s a plan… (swaying here and there while hiccupping) There’s a plan… King: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: King: Let’s just borrow from someone. Smart… smart.. my lorrrddd… Take a loaaan!! That’s ridiculous!

Take a loan. I’ll take his advice, Luff since you’re not helping us with anything. Go take a loan. Like I said, it’s Lupe.. Yeah, yeah.. I’m busy. Go and take loans. I got it. (sigh)

Advisor 1: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: [Lights off]

Scene 6 IN PUTERI GUNUNG LEDANG’S BUNGALOW Puteri Gunung Ledang is sleeping uncomfortably on her sofa. She kept changing her position. After a while, she woke up, angry. [Lights on] PGL: Minion enters. Minion: PGL: Ledang, the King has sent the check. YAY!!!!! How much? How much? I’m definitely buying a new bed. Sleeping on that (points to the sofa) strains my back. I’ll be suffering from back pain at this young age. (whimper) Don’t be stupid! You have debts to settle. And don’t ever think that I won’t demand my wages. But I can’t sleep on that thing! Then pray you’ll get married soon. Coz I’m not giving up on my pay. Urgh!! What’s wrong with this darn sofa?!

Minion:

PGL: Minion:

PGL: Minion:

But, but (pouts) Acting cute won’t work. I’m gonna settle your debts. Later~

Minion leaves the scene. PGL: [Lights off] I bet he’s spending all the money. Hmph!

Scene 7 IN THE PALACE The advisors were discussing with each other, putting on the face full of worries. Advisor one stood up, pacing forth and back, deep in thoughts while mumbling. Advisor 2 on the other hand stayed at his position, sighing loudly. [Lights on] Advisor 1: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: Advisor 2: Advisor 1: Advisor 2: (panics) what do we do? What do we do? Hmmmm…… What do we do? What should we do? Hmmm…. What shou………….. Cut it out! Geez Lori, you’re useless. It’s Lupe! Can’t you get that to your brain?! Sheesh, don’t get agitated now. (sigh)

Advisor 1: We should really stop this engagement. We can’t prepare the bargain. Really, it’s pointless to continue. We can’t even loan from banks anymore. What do we do? What do we do? Advisor 2: Hush! The deal must go on. We’re dealing with Puteri Gunung Ledang here. She, who’s rumoured to have commanded the mystic of Ledang Mountain would be furious with we pulled out. Afterall, it’s our King that proposed first. I don’t want to think of the consequences of crossing her. Advisor 1: But…………..

The king enters the scene, chuckling while doing so with facial free from anxiety.

King:

Oh my loyal fellows! Have you gotten all of Puteri Gunung Ledang’s wish prepared?

Advisor 1: Your Highness, it is imperative that you re-consider this again. Please, we don’t have the luxury to spend. Our financial crisis is dire. King: Hmph! Next!

Advisor 2: My lord, if we can’t loan from the banks, I suggest we loan it from the trader. We’ll specially decrease their tax if they let us loan from them. King: Advisor 2: [Lights off] Good. That sounds better. I’ll have the tax collected go to your account. Thank you, my lord.

Scene 8 IN THE MARKET The trader arranges his stocks while humming his favourite song. The advisors then came to view as they walk to the trader’s stall. [Lights on] Advisor 2: Trader: Oh dear Burton, how’s your trade been coming along?

(looks up to the advisor and beams) Same old~ same old~ You wickies don’t decrease the tax, how would I ever fare better than this? That’s why we’re here to give you good news.

Advisor 2: Trader:

Well I don’t know ‘bout that. Your good news have always been bad news to us. Isn’t that right, Lupe? (shouts happily) ya Allah!!! You remember my name!!!! (shocks) Errr…. Ok, keep your distance, brother. (pulls away from Advisor 1) Anyway, let’s get down to business. Yea, yea~ state your deal. We’ll lower your tax, you’ll loan us your assets Not interested. (heated) Oh geez… FINE!! For you, NO TAX!!

Advisor 1: Trader: Advisor 2: Trader: Advisor 2: Trader: Advisor 2:

Trader:

Good enough. But are you sure you can handle MY loans? I am strict in terms of deadlines and dear mate, I don’t offer sympathy or have any hesitation when it comes to confiscating what my client owes. Ermm… Let us re-think of this, Burton. What need is there? We’ll take it. So now, what are the things you need? (throw him a paper) Get me all of those!! (look at the list) WOW!! You choose such a standard.. no wonder your King have it tough.

Advisor 1: Advisor 2: Trader: Advisor 2: Trader:

Advisor 1: Trader: Advisor 2: Trader: [Lights off]

Our King, Burton. He’s our king. Oh yea, our king. Stop dilly dallying and get on with the task!! (sounds suspicious) Glad to do so.

Scene 9 IN A PARK A table and two chairs were set in the middle. Puteri Gunung Ledang is sitting on one of the table playing house. [Lights on] PGL: PGL: for! PGL: PGL: Oh bother, don’t try to sweet-talk me. It’s nothing much. (diff. voice) What are you saying? This is all that I ask for. Nothing more. Only you, my love. (sweetly) Is the food good, my darling? (different voice) Superb, my dear. You can make the best dish in the world. It’s to die

Minion then steps in. Minion: PGL: Crazy. (sigh) Will you not destroy the moment?

Minion: PGL: Minion:

(ignores) The king will be here in a moment. I think he got all of that request ready. Really??! Then I made the right choice afterall! So.. he’s coming for official proposal today.

The King and his advisors enter the stage. Minion: PGL: Minion: Speak of the devil. What devil? Oh dear…. Never mind. The King’s here.

Puteri Gunung Ledang turns around and sees the king walking towards her.[Play music (?)] King: pair? PGL: [Lights off] (pretended to be shy) I guess, ya~ sure. My darling, the promised day have come! Will you take my hand and be my lawful

Scene 10 IN THE PALACE [Lights on] The King and Puteri Gunung Ledang enters to the stage happily. [Play some happy music] The pair played with their brand new furnitures etc. Trader: Advisor 2: Trader: Advisor 2: the stage) (knocking door) Who could it be, disturbing my lord’s moment? It is I! Today’s the last day the debt should be settled! Yikes, this means trouble. I better get a run from this. (looks around; sneakily exits

Puteri Gunung Ledang and the King was still in their own world. Trader: I’ll just have to break my way in then.

Civilians and Trader enters the stage. Trader: Take all those stuff.

King: Trader: PGL: King: Civilian 2: Civilian 1: PGL: Trader:

(shocks) What is the meaning of this?! Time’s up, man! You’ll return all those to me. (shocks) Return? Is this not yours darling? Uh, ermm.. that.. Nope, princess. The king’s broke. Yep, he’s uselessly nothing anymore. What??!!! Oh, saves your lovely argument later. My friends, take all of these and these and these (points to one furniture after another)

After the civilians finish taking out all of the stuff on the stage, Puteri Gunung Ledang weeps. PGL: King: PGL: You liar! Now I have nothing’s left. My love, we still have our trusted advisor. (brightens) and my loyal minion!

Advisor 1: (suddenly enter the stage) Unfortunately your highness, while you are too busy disregarding my advice, I have taken the offer to join Mr Burton’s corporation as a consultant. King: Hmph! I never trust you anyway~ I never meant you Lundu.

Advisor 1: Yea~ yea.. For the last time, my name’s Lupe. But whatever. Oh, and the other one escaped. He ran and left you alone. King: Minion enters. Minion: PGL: Trader: PGL: Minion: Trader: Minion: You better believe that. (handed a picture to PGL) Oh no, it’s true! (cries) But I still have you, right? Not too fast, Ledang. She’s going to be my bride so the answer to that is no. Eh, why? Ya Allah, Ledang. Are you still hallucinating? If you can’t pay me, I can’t work for you. Enough chit chat. Let’s go, my love. Ok. Bye Ledang. As if I would believe that!

Trader and Minion exits the stage.

Advisor 1: Sorry, your highness. But I have to bid my leave now too. Hope you will fare well after this. Advisor 1 left the stage. PGL: Oh what do we do? What do we do?

The king look at Puteri Gunung Ledang sympathetically. King: Let’s rebuild ourselves.

Puteri Gunung Ledang look at the King for a long time then slowly nod. [Dim lights] [Audio: The Quranic verse] End [Crews & Line of Actors/Actresses]

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