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Chapter 5: Who am I in the Father?

I started chapter 3 in May/June 2008, and it’s now Des’09 and a lot of work has been done in my heart through God! Reading what I wrote, I can now see with hindsight, that I was using the 1st 3 points to “prove” to myself A. “Why God would love me?” rather than God loves me because I am born of imperishable seed and thus have worth God loves me because I am seated in Christ, and that gives me worth Because Jesus died for me, I have worth

B. “Because God loves me!” Through Devine selection I am saved through confessing and believing in Jesus and because Jesus loves me: I am born of imperishable seed I am seated in Christ and Jesus gave me victory through and in Him

My “motivation” for self worth was wrong, but my method was correct, as faith only comes by hearing the word of God, and even though my motive for repeating the above mentioned scriptures were wrong, I believe, God made it work for my good, in making them rocks on which He could build. I need to say, some of my 1st steps to being healed by God in loving and accepting myself came from me going with a very repentant heart to God and asking and pleading His forgiveness over me, for hating who and how He created me! I had to acknowledge (as His word says in Ps.) that He took great care in forming me as I am, that who I am is who He wants me to be, regardless of my flaws, situation, character deformities etc. and that all I am, is all He wants me to be. I had to start thanking Him and praising Him for who and what He made me, for Him to show me, establish it in my heart and that I would just believe and live it. This has been my prayer as long as I can remember. So why did God take so long to answer it? Who are we as the pots to question the potter? All I can utter for myself is that, in all, God has enabled me to write this book, to understand more of His grace, love, kindness and patience, with someone who utterly hated himself.

Just a month ago, God gave me a picture of how He saw me – a warrior! Praise God, now I just need to act like one . Together with this revelation, somehow, seemingly overnight, He changed my heart from hating to Loving myself, looking in the mirror I can say: “God, you made me awesome, I love who I am!” After 35 years of hatred, how great it is to be able to say it! Practically, God also brought a wonderful lady across my path, who helped me find clothes which suited me, and now I look externally as I feel internally! (Even if only in my own eyes and those of GOD!) Can I help you love yourself? Nope, don’t want that responsibility! But God can, have you prayed for 35 odd years, longer maybe? Then start confessing cold-heartedly that which God made you to be! Believe that if He loves you, He loves YOU! He only hates sin in us, He only hates SIN in you! That which you hate about yourself, GOD loves it, be it Godly and not against His word. And even sin and shortcomings is not enough to make God hate you! Imagine the following: God’s sitting in eternity, thinking up a person, who that person will be, all that that person would accomplish, what they will say, what they will do, who they will be, their childhood, their parents, their thoughts. All He desires for them is good and perfect according to His will. But, He didn’t create robots, and human nature and sin takes a toll on parents, children, peers etc, and all these things “deforms” us until we hate what we seem to be(come). We would do great to remember that the devil’s plan is to steal and destroy, and how much effort would he not expend to deform and destroy God’s nature, purpose and view in us. Once we love who God made us to be…who we are now…we can start asking God to form us more into the person He saw, when He thought of us, actually, when we love ourselves, we will Love God and He will just start forming more of Him in us, we can just ask Him to fine-tune us, for Him to lead us ever closer to Him and for His good and perfect will for our lives. We love who we are, we love what we do or we ask Him to take us on a path where we can do what we love and love what we do and who we are, so that, He can receive MAXIMUM glory from our lives! We are indeed God’s Bonsais…