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ID. B 922 726 73 - Malaga (Spain)

Copyright by Marianne Briner

- All rights reserved -

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form

or by any means – electronic or mechanical including photocopying,
recording or by any information storage and retrieval system –
without permission in writing from the copyright owner and the
above Publisher of this book.

Spain, August 31, 2007




Lessons of Life …………………………

I feared being alone ……………………

Until I learned to like myself.

I feared failure ………………………..

Until I realized that I only fail when I don’t try.

I feared success ………………………..

Until I realized that I had to try
in order to be happy with myself.

I feared people’s opinions ………………

Until I learned that people would have
opinions about me anyway.

I feared rejection ……………………..

Until I learned to have faith in myself.

I feared pain ……………………………

Until I learned that it’s necessary for growth.
I feared the truth …………...............
Until I saw the ugliness in lies.

I feared life ……………………………

Until I experienced its beauty.

I feared death …………………………

Until I realized that it’s not an end, but a beginning.

I feared my destiny…………………….
Until I realized that I had the power to change my life.

I feared hate …………………………..

Until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance.

I feared love …………………………….

Until it touched my heart, making the darkness
fade into endless sunny days.

I feared ridicule ……………………….

Until I learned how to laugh at myself.
I feared growing old ………………….
Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.

I feared the future ……………………

Until I realized that life just kept getting better.

I feared the past ……………………….

Until I realized that it could no longer hurt me.

I feared the dark ……………………….

Until I saw the beauty of the starlight.

I feared the light ……………………….

Until I learned that the truth would give me strength.

I feared change ………………………….

Until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly
Had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.



Letter to Jim Walton, President, CNN

Spain, March 1, 2007

I had sent in August last year to Jeff Koinange the official

Press Release of my Book “A Shining Star in Darkness” which
talks about the killing of the former Kenyan Minister for Foreign
Affairs Dr. Robert Ouko in 1990. I had been involved in the
investigations and cooperated with Scotland Yard and gave last
evidence in front of a Parliamentary Committee in Nairobi in
November 2004.

Jeff replied immediately and proposed to have an interview

with CNN in Atlanta and to present the book in Inside-Africa.

Soon after he started to call me and things changed to very

private and personal matters. He then sent me by email photos
showing him and Mandela (comment: “sharing a special moment
with a special friend”), the photo of the Prix-Bayeux-Ceremony
(comment: “so now you know about it even before my wife
does….”) and also some showing his Living Room with his Art
Collection (comment: “I want you to know how if am living….”) and
then the book about his Grandfather (one copy he sent also to my
daughter) – with his handwritten dedication: “This will give you an
insight who I really am and where I come from …..”.

During all this time he kept me also informed about his job, his
assignments, either by phone (sometimes more than 5-times per
day) or by email (here even upto 10 per day) sent from different
places like Darfur, Congo, Botswana, Malawi etc. and last from
Nigeria – besides the ‘normal’ ones from Johannesburg.

Especially the Nigerian Report was then also a point of our
discussion now in London when he gave me some inside information
how he had arranged for having the encounter with these MEND
people (“of course we had to pay certain people to get the story –
but everything was done in agreement with CNN and in accordance
with their usual standards – but you do not get such a story without
bribing – you know how the world and especially in Nigeria functions
– you have to have financial resources – but at the end it was worth
it – CNN has its story and I have my ‘fame’ …..”).

The rest of our ‘encounter’ in London can be read in the

attached document. It was nasty and now has turned into an open
threat on my life since he warned me that he would give the details
of my Spanish address and my Swiss one (where also my daughter
lives) to Nicolas Biwott (in my book carrying the name ‘Nick

Especially the last sentence “if I was prepared to ‘MOVE’ again”

has made me decide to go with the whole story into the open. I
have to protect not only myself but also my daughter.

Here you should know that I am living in fear since 15 years –

have moved more than a dozen times – and John Troon (retired
Superintendent from Scotland Yard who at that time was leading
the investigations in Kenya and with whom I am in contact since)
has just now confirmed to me in London that I am still in danger.

When he heard that I am in contact with Jeff Koinange, he told

me in very strict words “you have made a very big mistake to trust a
man like that. He will sell you for a good story and also to Biwott – I
am even convinced that he had set you up just for this reason…..”.

After what has then happened in London, I am starting to

believe him. But I have decided to fight back. I have never been a
coward and Jeff knows this. Just read his last emails where he is
begging me not to disclose anything because it would destroy him
and everything he had been achieved up to now.

I had given him time until March 10 to come here and clarify
things and to assure me of the introduction to CNN – but he has
decided to threaten me instead.

I have sent the attached document already to Femi Oke

(Inside-Africa) together with some remarks Jeff made about her
which are very offensive. It should make her a bit careful when
dealing with him in the future. He is not the ‘nice’ guy as he
pretends to be.

As I said before, I had hoped to settle this whole nasty matter

amicably in arranging the promised interview with either you or
Jonathan Mann and also with Oprah Winfrey whom he also had
mentioned would be interested to present my book on her Show.
But he has decided not to accept my offer and has started to issue
serious threats against me.

I could have been ‘living’ with the one about that special photo
(by the way, it is beautiful and not ‘juicy’ at all – I am very proud to
have been looking like that when I was younger) or the disclosure of
my private life (all these relationships mentioned are anyway known
and some are even almost 30 years old – so what he heck to talk
about them now …..).

But I am not accepting his threats to disclose my and my

daughter’s whereabouts to Nicholas Biwott knowing that during
the last years more than 100 people have lost their lives
connected to the Ouko-Case and also knowing that Biwott would
be more than happy to finally get hold of me ……. and Jeff knows
this very well. But obviously he does not care just a bit ……

Marianne Briner

cc.: Chris Cramer, Vice-President CNN International

Jim Clancy, CNN International
Jonathan Mann, CNN International

Femi Oke, Inside-Africa
Anderson Cooper, AC360
Oprah Winfrey


I know that this letter has made a lot of people - and mainly
those who voted Jeff Koinange in 2000 ‘the sexiest African alive’ -
scream to the sky “How could she ?”

But I think, it is time to put some things straight ……..

Jeff Koinange is a man who has a deep-rooted complex of

inferiority mainly with white women. Like he once wrote to me, he
always thought not be good enough …….. and this complex has
never left him.

He has therefore developed an almost paranoid urge to be

recognized especially in the ‘white’ world and in order to reach this
goal, he is willing to do everything - no matter what …. and how
…. and with whom.

I could go on and on - since Jeff Koinange is a ‘never-ending

saga’ - full of surprises. Just read the correspondence between him
and me contained in this book and you will fully agree….

And then – last but not least - his desire to become the
President of Kenya in 2012 or 2017 latest - “fulfilling his
Grandfather’s dreams” as he has put it.

So here is the nice information for all his admirers who are now
missing to see his face on CNN:

Don’t be too disheartened - you will see more of him during

the next years when he comes back to Kenya and enters the political
arena …….

He has already proven to have all the necessary capabilities to
become a ‘successful’ politician - amongst which the most
important one: ‘How do I sell myself ………………..’ ?

To this I can honestly reply:

‘Mission accomplished’, Jeff Koinange. You only have to

continue the same way you did up to now ……..’




Against all odds ………..

You’re from the South,

I’m from the West –
Against all odds,
God knows what’s best.

We’re a world apart,

Yet found each other.
Against all odds,
We found each other …..

I n August 2006, my bestselling book A Shining Star in
Darkness – which I wrote to tell the world who killed the Kenyan
Minister for Foreign Affairs, Dr. Robert Ouko, and why - was
published in the United States by a publishing firm that’s a strategic
partner of Random House Ventures.

Shortly after the book was published, a Press Release was sent
to various media outlets across the United States, Europe and Africa
by the book’s Pennsylvania-based Publisher XLibris.

It was during that targeted promotional campaign that I

brainstormed on the best way to market the book …. bring it to as
large a readership as possible.

Then one Saturday afternoon as I was watching CNN’s weekly

magazine Inside-Africa, I saw a dashing young man who looked
African, but spoke with something close to an American accent.

He commented on the new school Oprah Winfrey was going to

open in South Africa and explained with characteristic gusto and
borderline pomposity – how this school was going to avail the best
education to young girls. How it was one of a kind on this struggling

He even gave a detailed description about the genesis of the

project, how Nelson Mandela had been instrumental in finding the
land upon which it was built, and how Oprah hoped that the girls
who graduated from the school would change Africa ….. and the

When he finished his report saying ‘This is Jeff Koinange –

reporting for Inside-Africa’, my jaw dropped. Koinange?

I knew a prominent Kenyan family by that name. I knew that

the Kenyattas were related to them by marriage ….. one of the most
powerful Ministers had been a Koinange and I knew that Wilfred

Koinange, the former Central Bank of Kenya Governor, was a
member of that family. Was this Jeff Koinange also one of them?

I googled him and learnt a few things about him….. that after
finishing a very exclusive Private School in Kenya, he went to the
States and worked first as a Flight Attendant. He then studied
Journalism and worked for Reuters and now for CNN based in
Johannesburg – as one of their leading and award-winning
International Correspondents ………

So the very same afternoon, I called my co-author Sam Okello

in the States and asked if we should send the Press Release directly
to this Jeff Koinange.

Sam found it a perfect idea, “But for this to be credible, you’ll

have to be the one to write to Jeff,” he said, “He’ll take a white
woman more seriously.”

Although this last remark was disturbing me a little bit, I


And with that, I wrote my very first letter to Jeff on

August 17, 2006:

Dear Mr. Koinange,

Enclosed please find the official Press Release and

bookstore leaflet by XLibris-USA regarding my book “A
Shining Star in Darkness” which has come out this week.

Although set up as a fictional novel, it is telling of real life

events which happened in Kenya. It is my own personal

Maybe you can take the time to go through it. If you

have any questions, I will be pleased to answer them.

If may be of interest for you to know that I have decided
together with my Co-Author Sam Okello to transfer all
proceeds (royalties) of this book to a Foundation which
we are setting up in the name and memory of Dr. Robert
Ouko, former Minister for Foreign Affairs of Kenya, who
was killed in 1990. The money will help to finance their
studies and professional education in Kenya and abroad.
The Foundation will carry the same name like the book,
i.e. A Shining Star in Darkness, a title I gave to Dr. Ouko
when giving evidence in front of the Parliamentary
Committee in Nairobi in 2004.

I know that you are Kenyan. Therefore, this book will be

of special interest to you. Names like Mzee = Moi,
Sango = Sunguh, Nick Boit = Nicholas Biwott, Agwambo
= Raila Odinga, etc., will sound very familiar to you.

You should also know that the script has been read
before passing it to the Publisher by Gor Sunguh, Raila
Odinga, the German and Swiss Embassy, Dr. Njoroge
Mungai etc. -

None of them had any problem to get it published and

none of them asked for any change.

Mr. Sunguh has also offered to bring the first copy of the
book to Mrs. Ouko together with David Musila, LDP
Chairman, and now father-in-law of Susan Ouko, Dr.
Ouko’s daughter.

The only one who has threatened to sue me for

astronomical amounts is Daniel arap Moi and his lawyer,
Mutula Kilonzo.

But the times that somebody could threaten me have

long passed.

Since they have announced that they would sue anybody
involved not only in the publication but also in the
printing and sale of the book, I have informed them they
would have to include also the beneficiaries in their suit,
i.e. the People of Kenya since we are passing all proceeds
of this book to a Foundation for the poor children of
Kenya …..

When asked during an Official Press Conference two

weeks ago if the Kenyan Government is aware of my
book, Dr. Mutua confirmed that he got to know about it
and that the Government has welcomed it.

He has furthermore assured that nobody will be allowed

to stop its distribution and sale in Kenya since this
method is a thing of the past and the former regime.

Let’s see if they can keep at least this promise …..

Looking forward to your comments, I remain,

Marianne Briner


And to my big surprise Jeff replied already the following

day in his – as I should later learn – very characteristic style
using capital letters to give certain words and expressions
even more importance and attention:


All I can say is WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m already HOOKED

and would LOVE to get a hold of a copy ….. I don’t
know if it’s available in Johannesburg (which is where
I’m based right now).

You’re a BRAVE woman, my dear …. and what you’re

doing is GUTSY and very COMMENDABLE ……….

I remember reading your testimony in the Kenyan papers
when you were in Nairobi ….. and I also remember
hearing a lot of rumors about you ….. that you were
‘Mzee’s Mistress’ or was it ‘Biwott’s’ ?????? And lots
more ………

I would be interested to hear what they would have to

say about THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think, this is a VERY important book about a very

DARK period in our HISTORY ………. THANK YOU for
doing this.

I’ll LOVE to do something with this …… I’ll have a chat

with the folks at CNN’s magazine programme, INSIDE
AFRICA ….. they may require you appear in one of our
studios (London, Paris, New York, Atlanta) and do an
interview and ‘defend’ your book ……… I think that
would be GREAT …. let me know when it comes out ……
and if you have a ‘spare’ copy and don’t mind sending it
(signed of course) I’d greatly appreciate it.

My address is:

Jeff Koinange
Africa Correspondent
25 Owl Street, 15th Floor
Auckland Park
Johannesburg 2092 - South Africa
Tel.: (27) 11 – 726 – 4251

Good luck and let’s keep chatting.


You have to understand that it’s been my biggest burden to
honor a promise I made a long time ago - before his death - to Dr.
Robert Ouko. At the time that promise was made, the flamboyant
Foreign Affairs Minister had become aware that powerful forces in
Nairobi - led by Nicholas Biwott - were out to get him ….. to kill

And so he had told me in a phone conversation that should he

get killed, Nicholas Biwott was responsible. And he made me
promise to tell the world who killed him and why.

Obviously I tried to in various commissions instituted by the

Kenyan Government to look into the unresolved matter of Dr. Ouko’s
murder. But it never worked. Biwott made sure - through the
totally corrupt Kenyan legal system, bully tactics, threats to my life
and outright lies - that my testimonies were incessantly interrupted
and ultimately thrown out.

The biggest mistake I made was to underestimate that man.

He was a lot more cunning, a lot more evil and a lot more dangerous
than I had ever thought. He was determined to bury Dr. Ouko and
the memory of him …. and he knew that with time Kenyans would
forget the man - maybe they even have.

But I digress - like I was saying before, my primary

motivation in writing the book was to honor a promise I made to Dr.
Ouko ……..

So when it became obvious to me that the Kenyan Government

and the People of Kenya were going to let Dr. Ouko’s case to go cold
and unresolved like the killings of Tom Mboya, J.M. Kariuki, Masindo
Muliro, Ergwings Kodhek, Bishop Muge and Ongili Owiti, I knew I
had to act.

I had to because where I come from, a promise made to a

parted person had to be carried out no matter what …..

With that perspective, now you understand why I wrote A

Shining Star in Darkness. It was either to jump-start the
investigation and bring the matter of Dr. Ouko’s death to a neat close
……. or for the book to be the final verdict on who the killers were ….
and why they did it.

I believe, the book has accomplished that……

And so here I was sitting at my computer on August 21,

2006, when I received a following-up mail by Jeff


First of all APOLOGIES for the remarks I made regarding

you having been ‘Moi’s Mistress’ ….. I didn’t mean to
offend you ….. I was just echoing the ‘thoughts’ of the
‘masses’ ….. I guess, people ‘make things up’ that they
don’t know !!!!!!!

Secondly, I’m FASCINATED with your BOOK (or at

least the excerpts you’ve been so kind to forward to me)
….. It’s riveting and thought-provoking and I simply
couldn’t put it down …. You write very simple and very
well ………. Easy to follow and you keep the reader
‘intensely focused’ !!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations for this ………

Thirdly, you are ONE BRAVE WOMAN …. no Kenyan

has come close to doing what you’re doing and for that
you are to be COMMENDED !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t need to
tell you this, but you should be PROUD of what you’re
doing ….. I strongly believe the TRUTH must be told no
matter how painful …. and no matter how long it takes …

Lastly, if I can ‘convince’ Atlanta to do this interview,

then I might not be able to convince them that I’m the
ONLY one who can do it ….. since I’m based in

Johannesburg, taking a trip to Atlanta to do this, would
be too costly for CNN (you know how tight-fisted they
can be). But I could recommend someone equally
competent (like Jim Clancy or Jonathan Mann) and they
would do justice to the interview ……

I would then deal with what we call the ‘Meat and

Potatoes’ of the story ….. do a backgrounder on the
Ouko murder-mystery and put it all in perspective.

Thanks again for getting in touch (I wouldn’t even ask

how you did it) but I hope, we can stay in touch.



If I told you that I was excited after reading Jeff Koinange’s

comments about the book, I would be lying. I was more than just
excited - I was ecstatic. Jeff’s was the first high-profile comment
about the book. And it was positive!

Of course, there had been comments about the book by

people like Gor Sunguh, the late Father Angelo d’Agostini, and
several friends in academia, but Jeff’s was special because in his line
of work - where words and their formation were a critical tool - he
had a special insight into what sounded credible and what didn’t.

So when he asked for my telephone number later that evening,

I was glad to give it to him.

Things were going much better than I thought they would……


On the same evening on August 21 , st
I was in my kitchen
winding down the preparation of a dinner since I had invited some
friends to join me later.

Anyway, as I turned off power, tasted the food and kept the
lid aside so the sweet aroma would serenade the room, I thought
about the children of Kenya. The starving masses of Kibera,
Korogocho and Kawangware.

And here I was, about to settle down for a sumptuous meal,

when just a couple of miles away - in a continent next door whose
shores I could even see during clear days across the Mediterranean
Sea - millions of children were about to go to bed with empty
stomachs. And thousands of others had died this very day of hunger
and starvation ….. of preventable and treatable diseases ….. of
neglect by a world community preoccupied with dropping bombs and
entrenching Western Superiority.

Thinking about all this, I went back to the computer and was
ready to shoot-off another e-mail to Jeff. But right there - just
as I opened my mailbox - Jeff’s letter deposited itself.

There were a couple of other letters, but this was the one I
cared for. It came out of Jeff’s BlackBerry Wireless Handheld, as I
would later learn:

Thank you for trusting me ….. I really appreciate it ….. I

shall be calling U and I will tell U everything about me …..
by the way, ‘Father’ George is married to my first cousin
….. and Dr. Wilfred is also a first cousin but from another
uncle ….. my grandfather, Senior Chief Koinange, had
six wives …. my dad was one of the sons of wife number
two ….. U should read my biography of my grandfather
…… “Koinange wa Mbiyu – Mau Mau’s Misunderstood

I must tell you something funny …. a lot of people have
told me I look like Uhuru (Kenyatta) …. What do you
think ????

Talk soon, my friend !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


After reading Jeff’s letter, I felt better. I felt that not only was
he becoming an ally in publicizing my book, he was also becoming a
friend. That meant a lot.

Because there was still that nagging idea about starting a

school like the one Oprah started in South Africa also in Kenya. I
felt, I could do it. And though I knew it would take years before my
dreams were realized, there had to be a start somewhere.

After all, also Oprah started from somewhere. The only

difference was, she had a sack-load of Dollars - whereas I only had
my hopes and my dreams.


At this point, I can’t pass up an opportunity to rail against the

Kenyan bourgeoisies.

When I went back to Kenya in 2004, I was stunned by the

modernizing nature of the city. In the 70’s and early 80’s when I had
been living there, the city was just like any other third-world
metropolis. Poor roads - incessant power cuts - outrageous
sanitary conditions - a dysfunctional City Hall - and a runaway

But in 2004, when I was there to appear before the

Parliamentary Select Committee, I saw a thriving city. A modern
city. A city that was the pride and hope of a Nation marching

steadily into a developing nation status. No more third-world

What I found distressing, however, was the grinding poverty

in swaths of the city. I saw thousands of Kenyans slapping torn
sandals and worn-out shoes on the pavements, hurrying into the city
to look for jobs that weren’t there ….. or were reserved for the boss’
cousin or girlfriend.

Alongside the poverty, I saw huge homes in Lavington,

Adam’s Arcade, Runda, Loresho, Muthaiga, Karen ….. the list of
these old and new exclusive residential areas had become endless.

But for a visitor like me - especially one who had lived in

Kenya in its immediate post-colonial years - the emerging two
Kenyas distressed me.

How could the leaders in Kenya justify Muthaiga and

Kawangware, Runda and Korogocho, Karen and Kibera? And how
could they justify the Pradas and Mercedes Benz S 500s when
millions of Kenyans went to bed hungry every night?

You say, blame the IMF and the World Bank?

I say, they are being made scapegoats. Granted, their

Structural Adjustment Programs have caused enormous pain …. and
were probably ill conceived. But that can’t explain why a nation with
the human and natural resources Kenya has failed to follow the
example of the Asian tigers.

So as I finally sit down to eat together with my friends to that

food I had taken so much time to prepare this evening, I am flat-out

The only thing that makes me force a smile is that all is not
lost. A new breed of Kenyan leaders are emerging – people like Jeff
Koinange. They know Kenya ….. and they know the world.

They are the ones who must lift Kenya off its knees where
Kenyatta and Moi and Kibaki have put it……….


I’ve been thinking about you
And I know I don’t say it often enough,
But I appreciate all you do.
I’ve never known anyone as giving as you.

You always go that extra mile.

You inspire and encourage me.
You make me want to try harder;
You make me want to succeed.
You’ve made me believe in me.

For this and so much more,

I’m sending good wishes to your door.



We think alike ………………

I must have my coffee and you want tea.

You like dresses and I like jeans.

We are as different as day and night -

But when it comes to friendship we think alike.

You are there early and I’m always late -

But we agree that friendship is great.

I can’t carry a tune and you love to sing -

but we both know,
friendship is the most important thing.

No matter how different we may be.

When it comes to friendship, we agree.

On August 23, Jeff called me for the first time.

It was late in the evening. He was at the airport in

Johannesburg boarding a plane to Nairobi to cover for CNN the
arrival of US-Senator Barrack Obama.

We spoke for more than an hour about people we knew and

politics in general. We found out that we had many mutual friends -
although I made for the first time the remark “Do you realize that
you know the sons and the daughters - whereas I know the

He also told me that we had another thing in common: He had

read in the Media that I had been an Air Hostess before I got married
- and he had also worked as a Flight Attendant, first in Kenya and
then for PanAm based in Miami before he then decided to study
Journalism in New York.

He also confessed that ‘one day’ he will enter politics since

this had been always a ‘childhood’ dream of his. He insisted to
send me the book he had written on his Grandfather. Since I had
been asked not to disclose my address here in Spain, I gave him my
daughter’s address in Switzerland so he could dispatch the book to
her ….

Our conversation only finished after somebody approached him

saying “Jeff, if you don’t come right now, the plane is leaving
without you.!”

A couple of hours later he wrote:


Somehow you and I have connected in a way I find hard

to describe ….. so exciting and at the same time so

exhilarating …. I could have chatted on the phone all
night …..

I feel, we have ‘bonded’ !!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve landed in Nairobi and thought of you ….. just as we

discussed …. I’m already looking at things differently ….

Thank you so much for your trust and kindness !!!!!!

Talk soon,

I wrote to him the same day:

Subject: Kenyan Politics

Dear Jeff,

I think you have gone to Kenya at the right time ending

up in the ODM-Uhuru-Kalonzo-Raila struggles.

In 2002 Moi knew from the beginning that Uhuru had no

chance. It was a power game which Moi directed from A
to Z and Uhuru was the victim but with the knowledge of
the Kikuyu-Leaders. And also the splitting up of Kibaki
and Raila was a move Moi had calculated or even

I know that Mutula Kilonzo wants to become A-G in the

next Government. But people should never forget that
also here he is just Moi’s proxy although he wrote to me
once that he is not ‘carrying anybody’s bag, not even
Moi’s’…. but in becoming A-G, Mutula will guarantee that
neither Moi, nor his sons or anybody close to him can be
made responsible for any scandal of the past.

From my point of view, this whole ODM is a very dirty
game - and it will be very interesting to see how it
develops. Especially Moi’s reaction …. I expect him to
keep quiet for a while …. And then take distances even
from Uhuru. If this happens, it is another game by Moi:
it gives Uhuru the possibility to demonstrate that he is
separating from Moi and is on his own contrary to 2002.

Maybe that’s even the whole reason for this exercise of

ODM. But of course, Uhuru cannot do it from one
minute to the next. That would look bad in the eyes of
the Kikuyus and the Kalenjin where respecting the Elders
(and especially Moi) is still a very strong tradition as I
have learned in the past. So Uhuru can only move if and
when Moi agrees.

Not to loose their faces, they will wait a little and then
Moi will declare that he does not want to be in the way
for Uhuru and Kenya to move on - and of course,
everything in the interest and for the welfare of its people
…. And the real victim will be at the end Raila - once

But Raila cannot protest since he is in Moi’s ‘pockets’

since 1997/98 when Moi passed him the Molasses Plant
‘free of charge’, i.e. paying all its debts with the Swiss
Banks as Kulei told me in Raila’s presence and even
entered as a partner into the company with Kulei as proxy
- this Raila even told me himself.

At that time the Odingas had financial problems - so

Raila accepted Moi’s offer: he supports them financially
and also politically in helping them to revive the Molasses
Plant and with it gaining prestige in the eyes of the Luos
and he offered Raila to become a Member of his
Government …. So Raila split with Orengo and Muite -
joined Kanu and Moi won another term…..

But for the 2002 Elections, Raila was a ‘risk’ and
therefore Moi switched to Uhuru on the surface but
making sure that Kibaki was winning ……… what a cheat
this whole 2002 Election has been -………..

Raila knows that I have all this information and that was
the reason why he was fearing my evidence in Nairobi.
The one who pushed for it was Paul Muite who once was
my lawyer at the time of the Dr. Ouko investigations and
with whom I was still in contact before coming to Nairobi.

We should talk again, don’t you think so?


On August 25, Jeff replied:

Hey Marianne,

I can’t wait to talk to you again ……….

I’m in Kisumu waiting for BARRACK OBAMA to ‘finally

come home’ Saturday …….. should be GOOD TV …….
Also, don’t forget to watch INSIDE AFRICA tomorrow
…. nice story of OPRAH in AFRICA ……..

Thanks for sending the book …… I can’t wait to READ !!!!

You’re an AMAZING WOMAN …….when will we get to

MEET ?????????

Stay well …….



You are the world to me ………there is no one quite like you.
You’re the one I love - the pone I want to touch.
I give you my heart and I need you so much.
Offer me your sweet caresses:
Fill me with your wonderful light.
Soothe my aching heart;
And hold me through the night.
The mere sound of your voice summons deep emotion within -
Like an old familiar song
Like the comfort of a fiend.
When you’re near, I’m lost to thoughts of love
As you touch me with a magic
That’s as grand as stars above.
I want to hold your hand,
I hunger for your kiss.
Offer me sweet tidings of true love’s tender bliss.
I promise our live shall soar,
Carried on the wings of a dove.

So give me your heart – and bless me with your love.



Believe in yourself …..

In the power you have to control your own life.

Believe in the strength that you have deep inside

And your faith will help show you the way.

Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring,

Let a hopeful heart carry you through.

For things will work out if you trust and believe,

There’s no limit to what you can do !

So as he suggested, I watched Inside-Africa on August 26,
and then wrote to him:

Dear Jeff,

Saw the report about OPRAH and I liked it very much

and this has given me some ideas about myself.

You may recall that I mentioned on the phone that I want

to set up a Foundation out of the eventual proceeds of
the book to help underprivileged children (of all tribes)
to continue with their school and studies. I will not be
able to do it as big as OPRAH, but if I can help a few,
that’s a lot and if I can get the help of others, it will be

Now here you could come in: Sam Okello had tried to get
into contact with OPRAH to get our book on her Show
where she is introducing new books. But he did not get
any reply. Can you help me with this?

Could you please mention to her the importance of this

book and also the Foundation. I am sure, she will like
both. This would help me very much to promote and sell
the book.

And of course, if also CNN could make a Report - even

a short one - or just mention it during Inside-Africa. I
also know, if somebody like you just mentions it during
one of your trips through Africa, this would also be of
great help.

Please understand me - I do not want to take advantage

of our contact for personal reasons. I think, we can
really become friends outside our initial contact regarding
the book.

But I want to reach something with my book. It should
help to create some understanding about the dirty
political games not only in Kenya - and it could help
some children to maybe shape the future of their country
in offering them better education.

Maybe we even create some future leaders - like

OPRAH also has envisaged with her project in South

I will also contact some people like Dr. Njoroge Mungai

to assist. I have already established the contact between
him and Father Angelo d’Agostini from the Nyumbani
Village for Aids Orphans.

Father d’Ag is an old friend of mine and he always

wanted to get into contact with Njoroge but did not know
how. So I managed and the two have met and now
Njoroge has come into his project to help these children.
Nyumbani is mentioned also in my book as Mercy Home
for Children and it is true that the money for my stay
which the Government had agreed to pay went to them
(abt. 1 Million Sh.) since I stayed at the house of friends
(they are really horse breeders and Gideon Moi really
came there since he had some of his horses with them).
Father d’Ag has read the script of my book before it went
to the Publisher and he loved it. He also mentioned that
he knew about the ‘secret’ (Moi’s girls) …. so did an
Official of the Swiss Embassy.

I hope, you find time to read my mail. I do not expect

an immediate answer - although I have to admit that I
love talking to you.

Enjoy your stay in Kenya - I wish I could be there too.


Much to my surprise Jeff replied immediately:


I think your idea about a school is GREAT ….. and so is

the BOOK promotion thing on OPRAH ….. but I think
we have to take this slowly as I have just ‘established’ a
relationship with her and I don’t want to seem like I’m
taking advantage of that ….. TIMING is everything they
say ….. we need to find the right time and the right
‘PLUG’ for both stories …..

Let me think this through and maybe both of us can come

up with a GOOD PLAN TO ‘SELL’ the idea ….. I’m sure
OPRAH would be ‘HAPPY’ that someone else is taking
up the ‘mantle’ and doing what she’s done in South
Africa …..

By the way, she told me that her next school will be in

KENYA …. Apparently she’s GOOD friends with
WANGARI MAATHAI and the two have spent time
together in Chicago and Wangari ‘sold’ her the idea of
replicating the school in Kenya …..

Maybe you two can collaborate and ‘build’ it …. now that

would be a GREAT idea …. you would need some ‘land’
(50 acres) with a ‘real’ Title Deed …. and the proper
license for an INDEPENDENT school ….. think about that
aspect and let’s keep discussing this …..

I too LOVE talking to you ….. I feel like I’ve known

you ALL MY LIFE !!!!!!!

I’ll call you soon ……. while I’m still in Kenya …..

By the way, I ran into ‘TOTAL MAN’ Nicholas

Biwott at the Norfolk (where I usually stay) …..
he walked up to me and gave me a BIG HUG (I

felt a chill go up my spine !!!!!). He said all of
KENYA is proud of what I do ….. I wanted to tell
him, it’s people like him that have given KENYA A
BAD NAME !!!!!!!!! I ran to my room and took a
quick shower after that ….. I felt so DIRTY with
that HUG !!!!!!!!!!

Be well, my friend ……. and we’ll talk soon.



After reading Jeff’s mail, I was struck by a thought that hadn’t

hit me since the start of our correspondence.

I wondered how safe it was for him to communicate

with me via a Turner-Broadcasting email-address….

But because we had just met and since he sounded

intelligent enough, I assumed that he knew what he was
doing …….

Boy - was I wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Every day, my mind paints a picture of you ……..

……. and then of us.
And suddenly we’re the stars
In a romantic movie made for two,
Our bodies entwined ………
And I can’t stop these fantasies, I don’t even wish to.
For when my mind finds you,
I fill in the missing pieces
That the distance between us creates
And nourish my heart with the images it craves.

And I can’t stop it,

Fool I’d be to want to.
For my whole body
Feels your touch,
Which is as light as the whisper of butterfly wings,
Yet strong enough to inflame every nerve,
And fill my being until I’m satisfied
That we’re one in body and spirit.
And I can’t stop it …………..
Why should I want to ???????????????




So many times I think of you
And wonder how you are.
There are many miles between us
And yet, you’re not that far.

I wonder if you’re happy

And hope you’re doing fine
And if you ever miss me
And do I cross your mind.

So many nights, I dream of you

You’re welded in my heart
And in my dreams, we love again
And never do we part.

The following day, August 28, Jeff wrote - sharing
with me his political dreams.

It was the first time he sounded really serious about leading


And it was also the first time I took him seriously about his this
desire. My reasoning was, he was from a good family, had name
recognition, had friends all around the world who would back up his
campaign with cash and moral support.

Heck yes, this guy could really be President.

But I digress.


Here is what he said in his email:



And since I spoke to you, I’m now looking at KENYA

with a different light …. you have ‘opened’ my eyes in
many ways …. and for that I shall forever be

And seeing OBAMA looking so PRESEDENTIAL and so

dignified (and ‘untainted’) makes me really think about
what I told you the other day …… that one day I WANT
TO BE PRESIDENT of this country …….

To be HONEST, I’ve wanted nothing else since I was a

small boy growing up …..

I just didn’t know how I would ever achieve it ….. CNN
has been an AMAZING journey of discovery for me ….. I
get to ‘brush shoulders’ with the very BEST and the
very WORST ….. and I get a FRONT ROW seat to

And every day I feel I want to change things ….. that I

can change things ….. and one day, GOD willing, I

Chatting to you makes me feel, all this was meant to


Stay well ….. and let’s keep chatting.


I still recall that after reading this letter from Jeff, I wiped a
tear. Here was a man who - as he had so forcefully stated in the
email - got a front-row seat to history.

But what had he really seen?

Hunger and Starvation in Darfur …. Katrina in the States .....

death and mayhem in Baghdad …… a Tsunami in Indonesia ……
senseless murder in Rwanda …….

What was our generation passing on to future generations that

Jeff could point to as positive history? Wasn’t it the case that for
every good thing going on there were three or four counters?

And that being the case, was a front-row seat to dark history
worth it? Was man still just as primitive as the Zinjanthropus?

With the passage of time, I would like to know what a man like
Jeff really thought about all this ……………..


August 29 started off just like any other day. The sun shone
bright in the eastern horizon, causing a rolling sense of ocean-blue
to intermingle with the golden reflection of the sun. And in keeping
with tradition, the temperatures were already soaring.

But that didn’t keep me from remembering Jeff’s email the

previous night. He said he wanted to be President of Kenya ….. and
that he has had the privilege of watching history glide by.

Putting it all in perspective, here is what I told Jeff:

Dear Jeff,

You should have seen me smiling when I read your email.

But let’s agree: you will not just dream - but you will
become the President of your country and I hope, very
soon …..

And you are right, CNN is the best platform you can get
to achieve this goal. It is a perfect way to enter the
‘arena’ since people know you already and you do not
have to work your way up ‘climbing the ladder’ step by
step. On the contrary, you can start from the top.

Regarding ‘opening your eyes’ …… you are not the

first one in Kenya who feels like that. As one of the
Committee members said, I have been influencing
Kenyan politics since many years. Some even

believe - and so does Moi, as I was told - that I was
responsible for the Multi-Party System. Here is the

After Dr. Ouko was killed and I had been in contact with
the Scotland Yard, I was told that I should hire a lawyer
in Kenya.

John F. Addley from Kaplan & Stratton had been my

lawyer - but he also was Moi’s private lawyer at that
time. So he could not continue with me.

I contacted George Waruhiu whom I knew together with

his wife Rose as friends. He proposed to take his partner,
Paul Muite.

I sesnt to Paul Muite all my documents, all the

information I had also given to the Scotland Yard and I
put him into contact with Superintendent John Troon.

Result: First, Muite’s office was searched by the police

and then he was even arrested. He came out, but his
passport was seized …..

But this was the beginning of his political career. In

having read my documents and having received all
further information from me regarding the corruption,
the killings, etc. ….. he decided to go into politics which
he had never thought about before …..

I also gave him the ‘permission’ to use all the

information from me to help other people who had been
arrested. You could even call it ‘blackmailing them out of
prison’ ….

I know, he did so in the case of Kenneth Matiba and also

John Khamwinwa ….. Muite went to Moi and told him that
I had given him all the evidence about the corruption and

the details of each deal. He then also got into contact
with certain foreign embassies like the American (he also
told me that they were keeping for him all the documents
I had sent to him in their Safe so when the Kenya Police
searched his office, they did not find anything) …..

But all this was finally leading to the Multi-Party System

of which Muite was a promoter and founder together with
Matiba. I was in contact with him during all these years
and this was also the reason why he accepted to become
the Vice-Chairman of the new Dr. Ouko Inquiry.

Muite wanted to make sure that I was allowed to give

personal evidence. Something I had not been allowed to
do in the past where Moi even disbanded the Gicheru
Commission at the moment the summons for me had
been issued by Chunga (which he confirmed now in front
of Sunguh).

Muite also knew about my contacts with Raila Odinga in

2000 and he told me that besides Moi and Biwott, also
Raila was trying to block me from coming to Nairobi.

So in the end, it was only thanks to Muite and his

lobbying that I could give evidence in Nairobi. But he had
to step down as Vice-Chairman because Biwott and
Kilonzo told the Committee that he was not ‘neutral’
since he was not only my lawyer, but also a partner in
my company BAK when it was registered in Kenya in
1989 (this was something I did not even know since the
registration was done by George Waruhiu’s law firm and I
did not know that Muite entered in the registration form
as a ‘partner’).

So you see, I have a reputation of ‘creating troubles’

as Biwott once said.

But I must admit, I am proud to have been at least a
little bit able to ‘stir the soup’ or like Dr. Mungai once
called it to have helped to light the ‘candle of
democracy’ in Kenya …..

And you will make sure that this ‘candle’ continues

burning ……

Agreed ????????????

I had expected Jeff to be too busy with the OBAMA festivities

to reply soon, but he wrote already the following day:

Hey there, my ‘Shining Star’ ….

I managed to buy a few copies of MY book here in

Nairobi and I’ll FEDEX your signed copy to your
daughter’s address by Friday ….

Please let me know what you think ….. my dream was

always to get it approved in High Schools for children to
‘learn’ a bit about their HISTORY !!!!!!!! Your comments
will be GRATELY appreciated !!!!!!!!!!!!

I was with some friends last night, among them Wacuka

Mungai (Evelyn Mungai’s daughter ….. you had
mentioned Evelyn as one of your friends from the ‘past’)
and I ‘dropped’ your name just to see if I would get a
reaction ……

Wacuka immediately said she knew you because you

were a GOOD friend of Dr. Mungai …. (no relation) ….
SMALL world !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care and talk soon.


I wondered what he meant by GOOD friend, but I decided to
let the day pass before replying. I knew that he was in the middle of
an Obama uprising. All Kenya was crazy about the native son…..

But on August 31, I wrote:

Dear Jeff,

I feel the same - I am very happy that we seem to have

the same way of thinking, planning and maybe also
acting (the last refers to your political future in Kenya).

Regarding Dr. Mungai: Yes, I always had the ‘stamp’ to

be ‘Mungai’s woman’, i.e. ‘untouchable’ for any other
Kenyan man (contrary to the ‘rubbish’ Biwott has
published in the Media where he described me for having
had ‘love affairs with half of Moi’s Cabinet …’).

You will read in my book that Njoroge and I renewed our

relationship after Biwott had asked for my extradition in
1981. And when - upon Moi’s pressure - I came back
to Kenya around 1986, it was under the condition that
the relationship between Moi and me was not renewed.
It was strictly ‘business for me’ …..

He (Moi) did not like it - but he finally accepted.

Especially since I was not embarrassing him by going out
with Dr. Mungai whenever I was in Kenya for official
Government Business. I made a clear cut between my
professional and my private life (something Dr. Mungai
did not understand - but also he accepted in the end).

So my relationship with him took place mainly outside

Kenya since he used to visit me in Switzerland quite
regularly and we also started to travel together.

But still, also in Kenya I was the ‘wife of a Kenyatta-
Kikuyu’ as Prof. Sam Ongeri once called it and nobody
wanted to ‘mess-up’ with Dr. Mungai.

This fact was even leading to a question by Dr. Oburu

Odinga during my Nairobi Evidence, if it could not be
possible that my problems in Kenya were ‘connected’ to
the fact that I had an ongoing relationship with Dr.
Mungai which maybe President Moi did not like ……


For two straight days, Jeff did not reply to my mail ….. busy
with Obama-mania again? I doubted it. Something had to have
gone wrong ….. Or had Jeff even been told to ‘cut’ links with me?
Could that be possible?

Whatever the case, on September 2, I decided to break

the cold ice and wrote:

Dear Jeff,

You may decide not to answer, but I still pose the

following questions:

What about my proposal to get into contact with Gor

Sunguh? There was never any reaction or comment from
your side.

What about the email-address of Prof. Maathai ….. if you

are not able (or willing) to give it to me, let me know at

What about your initial intention to arrange an interview

with CNN?

Let me end with the following (since I have the strong
impression that you - for whatever reason - have
decided or have been told to cut any future contact with

If I have been able to open your eyes about certain

people and certain things in Kenya, then I have already
achieved my goal - I think.

What more could I have asked for anyway.

I wish you all the best - private and professional - and

maybe one day you will really be the Leader of your
country and can prove that you are able to fulfill your
intention of guiding it into a brighter future.

Marianne Briner

Two days passed without any message from Jeff and I already
saw all my fears become reality: he must have decided or must have
been told to stop any contact with me …..

But then, on September 3, a quite upset Jeff wrote:


I’m shocked that you would think that ANYONE would

tell me to CUT-OFF contact with you ….. NO-ONE tells
me what to do ….. I try to be my own person whether
people like it or NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would NEVER cut-off
links with someone I’ve grown to LIKE and RESPECT in
such a short time……

Regarding Gor Sunguh, I simply didn’t have the time to

get in touch ….. too busy chasing OBAMA and getting
my stories on the AIR ….. which is ALWAYS my

Wangari’s email is DIFFICULT to get and I haven’t been
successful to date ….. however, I haven’t given up and
as soon as I get it, I shall more than happily forward it to
you …….

PLEASE don’t get ‘paranoid’ with me ….. you can be

yourself with me anytime and anywhere ….. I respect you
too much to ‘let you down’ in any way……..

I wish we could MEET and then you would know the

kind of person I am ….. but for now, you’ll have to
TRUST me …. as I do YOU!!!!!

Talk soon ….. and keep ‘smiling’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


After having read Jeff’s reassuring mail, I wrote back:

I know, I am sometimes too impulsive and maybe I

should have thought it over - but please understand me,
I have been disappointed in the last years by too many
people I believed I could trust.

If you knew me better, you would realize that I am a

very open and honest person and my biggest mistake has
been - and still is - that I expect the same from the
people I am dealing with.

My daughter is much more careful and always tells me

that I am hurting only myself in trusting people too easily.
As Dr. Mungai always says, she is much more
‘intelligent’ and especially much more ‘clever’ than me.

So, if I have hurt your feelings, I apologize and I really
mean it. I would be more than happy to have you as a

By the way, I liked your Report on OBAMA. I only found

it too short (private remark: I especially missed you
‘seeing’ you in this - hearing your voice is nice - but
being able to see also your face, would have been

Still your friend,


Jeff called later the same day and told me that he was
taking two weeks off before going back to Joburg.

So in case I would not hear from him, I should not

become ‘nervous’ again …….


And so, my friends, what you see here is a relationship

that started out very professionally and with lofty aims.

But none of those aims and dreams would see the light
of day because soon after, the professional gave way to a
‘distant’ love affair. To naked, uncontrolled lust.

I promise to tell you the torrid nature of it ….. all of it.

But if you are put off by sleazy stuff, this is a good

point to put this book down and stop reading right now.

For the rest of you, fasten your seatbelts.

Neither I nor Jeff have ever been ‘slow drivers’ in our
life …………………………………


From each other…….

Behind closed doors we can leave winter outside.

We can shut off the phone, shut out all communication.
From the world beyond our realm.
We can open a new channel,
Forget our trade and our tools,
And dream a new dream,
Follow a new path of existence.

We can alter our beliefs and grow beyond them.

We can remove ourselves from the day and the night –
Awake at midnight,
Dance at dawn.
We can change who we are,
Remove ourselves from what we are.

But we can never remove ourselves from each other ………



Sweethearts …..

You said, that in time, we could be ……

And I waited for what seemed eternity.
I thought you knew how much I cared.
For you, my soul, I wanted to bare.

I want to be able to show you my heart,

But I live in fear that you’ll tear it apart.
I know that if we tried we could be great,
So show me yours and not too late.

I can’t wait forever, though I know I could ….

If you said you loved me too, that would be good…..
But till that day I’ll pretend to be fine ….
Until the day you say you’re mine !

Although Jeff had told me that he wanted to take two weeks
off before going back to Johannesburg, I decided to send him the
script of a new book which Sam Okello had written under the title
‘Her Excellency’ and had asked me if I would be interested to enter
as a co-author.

I did not know if I should and asked Jeff what he was thinking
about this. I also knew that Sam wanted Jeff to write a forward to it
and was curious to hear his reply.

Finally on September 11, he wrote to me regarding

this via his BlackBerry:


I usually make it a point NOT to check my emails and

worse yet to reply while I’m on vacation but I’ll make an
exception in your case…..

First of all let me ask you, what was your INTENTION

when you put your name to the book????? If in fact Sam
has written more than 95-percent of the book, then your
thoughts are very few in it …… and yes, you will PISS-
OFF many Kikuyus and especially your ‘friend’ Dr.

H.E. is also coming up too close after the ‘Shining Star’

and my fear is the latter will get ‘buried’ because
everyone thinks they know how and why Dr. Bob was
killed ….. even though they obviously don’t know the
REAL story …… H.E. would probably be a ‘hot seller’
simply because next year is an election year in Kenya!!!!!

The bottom line is whether you care or don’t care what

anyone thinks and says about collaborating on this

Having said that, I have read H.E. and found it highly
amusing and very ‘readable’ …… but obviously H.E. is
written for a local audience, right?????? It seems
limited to a mostly Kenyan audience because some of the
‘language’ and nuances are very ‘local’ and someone
from the outside might have difficulty understanding
parts of it …. but overall a GOOD read indeed!!!!!!!

Talk soon and good luck with your decision ……


Respecting his wish to have some quiet days, I only

replied on September 18:

You asked for my intentions: it is not the money since I

am planning to also put this into the Foundation.

But I would like to open the eyes of the people before the
next Election to let them see how they have been
cheated and how they might be cheated again if nobody
stops these power games of the same people like last

What is worrying me most though is the fact that Biwott

is also coming up again and may play a major part in the
future destiny of Kenya.

Here is a man who has been implicated for the killing not
only of Dr. Ouko but according to Scotland Yard in some
others (Troon has presented a list of abt. 18 people
whose bodies should be exhumed and their cause of
death investigated) - all connected to the Dr. Ouko case
- and in all of them he has implicated also Biwott.

A bodyguard of Biwott was arrested at Heathrow Airport

carrying a gun and has confirmed that he was sent by
Biwott to kill Troon etc. etc. - the Sunguh Report

recommends the arrest or at least investigation against
Biwott, and he still goes around in Kenya - again having
come close to Moi - and may play a major part in politics
…… and with that deciding on the future of more than 30
Million people.

That’s bothering me and may bring me to the decision to

say ‘yes’ to H.E. - in case I do, I will send a letter to
Njoroge explaining to him why. I will remind him of the
love we once shared and the admiration he still holds for
my daughter which is mutual also from her side. Maybe
he will understand.

But I have not made up my mind yet.

I just wanted to share my thoughts with you at this



As I mentioned before, Sam Okello had asked Jeff if he

would be willing to write a forward of his new book, ‘Her
Excellency’ (H.E.).

And here is Jeff’s reply to Sam - and then his

comments addressed to me regarding the same subject..

A quite ‘double-faced’ Jeff emerged - very protective

about his reputation and at the same time hiding his real
reasons behind some nice polite remarks - I therefore
regard only his letter to me as the only sincere one ……

But decide for yourself…….

First his letter to Sam dated September 21:

Hi Sam,

First of all let my say I’m a BIG fan of your work.

I’ve read ‘A Shining Star in Darkness’ as well ‘The Day

Bob Died’ and found them both FASCINATING and
GRIPPING. It takes a lot of guts to write what you did
and both you and Marianne deserve a nation’s
GRATITUDE for a job well done.

I’ve also read ‘Her Excellency’ and found it timely,

constructive and very credible (not to mention very
‘tongue-in cheek’). However, to write a forward about
this latest ‘epic’ in Kenya’s colorful history would be unfair
and unjust as I plan to cover the Kenya elections next
year for CNN and being associated with this book would
be a conflict of interest and might NOT reflect well in my
endeavor to be as OBJECTIVE as I can when reporting
the NEWS.

I am however deeply humbled that you would consider

me to do this and hopefully down the line we can do
something together.

Good luck with ‘Her Excellency’ and again,

congratulations on all your achievements.


And here is his letter to me regarding the same subject

- and reading it, you will realize that here the ‘true’ Jeff
Koinange is writing:


I hope you noticed that I ‘BLIND-COPIED’ you (bcc) on

Sam’s reply …… I did not want him to know I was
copying you as well ….. I figured he’d gone behind your
back to ask me because I felt you hadn’t endorsed him to
check with me…… I would have felt VERY uncomfortable
writing the forward to something as potentially
‘EXPLOSIVE’ as this….. it wouldn’t be in ‘GOOD TASTE’
for me given my own political ambitions ….. it would
sound more like ‘sour grapes’ than an endorsement of
the book……

And that’s what you might want to consider as well….. if I

were you, I’d ‘steer away’ from this ….. you already
have one VERY credible book in your ‘corner’ with
‘Shining Star’ and you’ve ‘ruffed’ enough feathers …..
besides, if you want to be in ‘Wangari’s’ good books,
you’d be advised to stay away from this as she’s from
Nyeri and is still very close to Kibaki (Kabuku)….

Again, if I were you, I’d OPT-OUT NOW from ‘ HER

EXCELLENCY ‘ …… that’s my honest opinion to someone I
consider a DEAR FRIEND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



When reading these two ‘versions’, you will

immediately realize where and when he says the truth.

It’s not because of CNN - it is clearly because he does

not want to ‘block’ his own political ambitions in getting
involved in this.

By the way, when he wrote to Sam he had not read the
‘Shining Star’ yet - he only knew the first two chapters
which had been published in the Internet.

The whole book he only read some months later –

actually after I had sent him a signed copy at the end of
December, he confirmed to have finished to read it only in
January 2007……… so even in this small detail he was not
honest …..

And to complete the ‘picture’: He told me on the phone

that he did not hear anything about Sam Okello until he saw
his name on my book cover - neither did he know any of his
other books.

So much to Jeff Koinange - the ‘honest and truthful’



To complete the picture:

Sam Okello had also approached Gor Sunguh to write a

forward to his new book ‘Her Excellency’ – again without
consulting with me first.

Gor asked me about my opinion – and as a reply I sent

to him Jeff’s comments.

Gor then decided to also step out of this and thanked

me for this advise.

Jeff’s comments to this: ‘Of course Sunguh is listening

to you ……… it was more than wise of him to do so ……….’


I love your eyes and the way they look
Inside me and know exactly what I need …...
But I don’t love you because of them.

I love your smile and the way it

Sends warmth to my heart …..
But I don’t love you because of it.

I love your voice and the way it reaches

Inside and lifts the darkness ……
But I don’t love you because of it.

I love your touch and the way it smoothes away

The knots of tension ……
But I don’t love you because of it.

I’ll never love you because of who you are

Or what you do …….
But I’ll always love you
Because of what we are
when we’re together!



“ A “ is for Attitude
“ T “ is for the crazy Tingle
“ T “ is for all the Teasing
“ I “ is for feeling to Incredible
“ T “ is for Tender love
“ U“ how your eyes Undress me
“ D “ is for please Don’t ever stop
“ E “ is for the feeling of Ecstasy

If you can put it all together,

You will discover my sexy little
“ Attitude “
Having come back from his holidays on September 25,he
first called and then sent me by email a private photo
showing him and Nelson Mandela (Madiba) adding the line
‘ Sharing a special moment with a special friend ‘ ………

He then told me that there might be the possibility for

us to meet during the annual CNN-Conference which was
scheduled to take place in London at the end of October (it
ws late postponed to February 2007).

He then also informed me that he was going to Darfur

(Sudan) the following week …….


After having finished our quite long telephone

conversation where at one point he interrupted me saying
‘you really talk too much …’,

I wrote:

It was really nice talking to you - and regarding your

remark ‘you really talk too much’ - just tell me next
time ‘pole, pole’ - and I will understand ….

Anyway, I will try to meet you in London - and for now

- have a safe trip to Darfur and do your reputation
justice to be a fearless and very informative strong


Jeff’ s immediate answer:

When I told you that you talk too much, I was ONLY
joking …. I LOVE it when you talk ….. and open up and
speak your mind ….. that’s YOU ….. and I LOVE IT !!!!

Don’t you EVER change ….. and I really look forward to

meeting you in LONDON …… I REALLY WISH I CAN

I’ll keep you posted.

Take care and GREAT talking to you as always……

I feel like I’ve KNOWN you ALL MY LIFE !!!!!!!!!


When he called for a second time that day, I asked him

to tell me more about his private life. I had seen the
wedding ring in the photo he had sent - but he avoided a
direct reply …. only after I insisted, he wrote:

Ha Ha Ha ……. You’re TOO observant ….. maybe even


Yes, I am married ….. to a lovely Kenyan Indian

(Muslima) from Mombasa …….

Funny you should bring that up now as tomorrow (Sept.

26th) is our 8th anniversary ….. time flies ….. we have
NO children so far ….. I GUESS I’m never home that
often enough …..

That’s about it - about my ‘secrets’ - no more

surprises, I promise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was also married once before ….. to an American
woman when I lived there ….. no kids there either …….

Like you, I’ve been ‘around the block’ a few times !!!!!!!


The following morning he called again and for the first

time started to talk about having ‘an intimate relationship’
with me ……I was shocked and told him that ‘I could easily
be his mother …..’

A few minutes after we had finished our conversation

on the phone, he wrote:

Are you afraid I might ‘hit on you’ ??????? I told you, I

have an ‘old’ SOUL ….. and besides, if anything were to
happen between you and I, it would be MUTUAL ….. I
have NEVER done anything with anyone who didn’t
want to do it ….. so it’s up to US …..

Besides, I think we’ve already established that there’s

something ELSE besides intelligence and good
conversation between us ….. there’s almost a SEXUAL
CHEMISTRY ….. so, we’ll wait to ‘explore’ that when /
if we meet in London !!!!!!!

Don’t worry, I don’t get ‘offended’ if / when ‘rejected’

….. believe me, I’m a VERY shy person (except when
in front of the camera) but when I ‘feel’ something
stirring in me about someone, then I ‘explore’ it …. and
follow through !!!!!! Does this make sense ????????

And don’t worry about being my ‘mother’ ….. remember

Oedipus ?????????

We leave early tomorrow morning for Nairobi and straight
thru to Khartoum …..

By the way, I just learned that a story I did on the

Famine in Niger last year has just won an EMMY Award
in New York last night ….. not bad, eh !!!!!!!!


I replied:

Congratulations for the EMMY - I always knew you

were good ……..

By the way, I have the picture showing you and Mandela

framed here in front of me - although I am still not sure
which one I like better, Madiba or you ….. for the
moment I settle on both ………

I do not go into the other subject you raised - you made

me blush - but I try to be realistic - although I have to
admit that you are a very attractive man (don’t’ worry, I
will never repeat this - but just for once I had to say it).

God bless you,


Five minutes later came his reply:

Ha Ha Ha ….. you make me SMILE ….. you are so

CONFIDENT one minute, yet so SHY the next ….. you
can say it ….. don’t be AFRAID ….. remember, you
always said you’re NOT afraid to tell the TRUTH !!!!!!!!

So if you FEEL like I do, then say it ………..

Otherwise, we’ll just wait and see what happens in
London !!!!!!!!! And if NOTHING happens, that’s OK
too …… I don’t want to put you in an EMBARRASSING
situation …..

Thanks for the kind words on the EMMY ….. I do what I

do because I LOVE what I do ….. but when I get an
award for it, it makes me realize I was BORN to do

As for the picture, here is one of me WITHOUT Madiba

…… that way, you don’t have to TORTUR yourself
choosing !!!!!!!!


And my answer:

Let’s change the subject, please …….. that is for me like

walking on ‘slippery sand’ - it’s not that I am not
tempted …….

You are exactly the type of man I always preferred and I

am also sure that you are a good lover …..

I hope, this makes YOU blush now …….


Jeff - two minutes later:

Ha Ha Ha ….. YES, I am BLUSHING !!!!!!!! And HAPPY

to do it as well ….. I am sure, you are a GREAT lover as

well ….. and somehow I believe in FATE ….. or is it
KISMET ??????????

Thanks for making me SMILE today ……..


He then called again – for the third time that day -

elaborating again on his ‘dreams’ regarding London - and
after he realized that I had problems talking about such
intimate things over the phone, he wrote:

Like I told you, I’m a VERY shy person in general …..

but when I ‘CONNECT’ with someone ….. and it doesn’t
HAPPEN very often - but when it does - WATCH-
OUT…. I’m like BULL DOG …… HARD TO LET GO …..

You have a lovely VOICE ….. with that GERMAN/SWISS

flavor to it ….. and your laugh is VERY throaty ….. full
of energy ….. and most of all, your mind is FULL of
ideas …. very ALIVE and ALWAYS wanting to explore
and DISCOVER ……….

So, having said that, it’s UP TO YOU to discover




My comment:

I agree - let’s go on the ‘road of discovery’ - end of

the subject and full stop …………


And he one minute later:

………… Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo……. PLEASE

DON’T STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember, you can’t fight
SEXUAL CHEMISTRY …………. it doesn’t COME around
everyday …….. and when TWO SOULS MEET, it’s
MAGIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU and I have SOMETHING ….. and YOU CAN’T


So, the best thing is to GIVE IN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What says you ????????????????


My reply:

You really do not give up - I like that …..

You know that already your voice is very ‘sexy’ and it

sometimes changes its tone - very soothing, very
tempting ………

I wonder, how many women did tell you that already in

the past ???????????????


Soon after I added:

I hope you have left the office to spend a quiet evening

with your wife and maybe celebrating with her the Emmy-

Anyway, since I am sure you will sometimes check your

mail and because I want you to smile another time before
embarking on the serious journey to the Sudan, here
some details about ‘more men’ in my life.

Don’t worry - it is not a list - just a few, but maybe


There was also Harry Bellafonte - introduced by Sal -

and a new experience for me, i.e. with two men at the
same time. It was fun and very exciting - but then Sal
got jealous and also Bellafonte - they did not want to
‘share’ anymore. I have met Bellafonte later also in
Zurich - he gave once also a concert and invited Sassa
and me and sung for her as a special song ‘Malaika’.

Then during my time at the Swiss Television, I met

Placido Domingo. Very attractive and a very good lover.
With him I got my first Spanish lessons - in the
meantime I speak fluently.

Also during the Television time, I met Julio Iglesias and

spent two months with him on the Bahamas.

These are my ‘Out of Africa’ men …… good mixture -

don’t you agree?

What about you - since you told me to ‘explore’


But let’s become serious now:

stay well - and let me know sometimes how you are, if
you can.


To my big surprise, Jeff wrote immediately back via his


I was driving on my way home when I read your mail -

and I almost crashed the car ….. WOW!!!!!!!! Harry and
Sal TOGETHER ????????? I like you even more


I will tell you about my ‘adventures’ soon…. but nowhere

near as exciting as you …… I haven’t slept with any stars
like you …….. but I’ve done some THREE-SOMES and
FOUR-SOMES ………………. and I LOVED them ……..

Now I REALLY want to MAKE LOVE TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks for making my day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I replied:

I only hope you delete my messages - this is only for

you - and nobody knows this except you - the media in
Kenya would have liked to get hold of this, I guess.

Sorry that you almost crashed - but since it was ‘only
almost’, I am relaxed - you are still needed some
where, some time ……..

But now I let you enjoy your evening.


But then he even called me out of the car “ YOU

TO YOU ….”.

I told him to stop talking about this and better

concentrate on the traffic otherwise he might REALLY
‘crash’ ………..

To this he replied via his BlackBerry:

Ha Ha Ha …………… even if I’d crashed, it would have

been worth it !!!!!!!!!!

Wow….. what a story ……. and don’t worry, your secrets

are SAFE with me ……

But tell me, why the silence when I said, I now REALLY
want to make LOVE TO YOU ????????????

Your silence is defeaning !!!!!!!!!!!

Talk to me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I hesitated for some minutes, but then I finally wrote:

What would you say if I would admit that since I first
spoke to you I am thinking about making love to you ….
what if we meet and then realize that it was a dream …
nothing else?

But I still continue dreaming ….. are you now



And Jeff one minute later - still from the car:

I think that when we make LOVE, it will be MAGIC …..

Thank you for being soooooooooooo HONEST !!!!!!!!

You’re an AMAZING woman, Marianne ….. simply

AMAZING !!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of LOVE,


I must admit that I had a quite sleepless night after all

this talking about ‘making love’ -

So the following day I wrote to him very early in the


I hope at least you slept well - I didn’t. But I have come

up with an idea: why don’t you come to Spain at the end
of October? You could tell CNN that you want to make an
interview with me or something like that.

I would feel ‘safer’ in my own ‘territory’ - London in
October is foggy and cold, the Spanish sun especially
here in the South would be much better.


Jeff replied a short while later via his BlackBerry -

already preparing himself to catch the flight for Nairobi and
from there to Khartoum:

It’s funny you should talk about sleep or lack of it …..

I woke up at 3 am after a very ‘vivid’ dream of

MAKING LOVE to someone I’ve never met !!!!!!!!!
It was an unbelievable feeling ….. I’m sorry if I was the
cause of our sleepless night.

Malaga sounds very tempting but unrealistic for now ….

After my dream last night, I WANT YOU EVEN MORE

I’m leaving for the airport shortly and we can keep

chatting for the next couple of hours ….. and I promise, I
won’t make you too HORNY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


He then called twice from the Airport ….

Always the same subject ………… I WANT TO MAKE


And then in writing:

…. About my dream last night…..

You and I were having a wonderful dinner with some
lovely red wine and the conversation was flowing and I
was stroking your hand and you were rubbing me and
then after desert and brandy, we headed to my room
and as soon as were in, we started kissing passionately
and slowly I started taking off your clothes and you were
a bit shy and I reassured you telling you were in SAFE
hands and you let go and I undressed you completely and
you undressed me and you held on to something that
was nice and hard ……….

In the meantime, I started to explore your body, licking

you and kissing you and when I got down between your
legs, I started to kiss you more and lick you more and
you started moaning and groaning and saying ‘please
don’t stop’ ……..

Should I stop now or should I continue ???????????? My

dream was VERY VIVID !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me know if you want me to go on ……….. AND



Five minutes later he added:

One more thing:

by the time I was sliding INSIDE you, we were both in

seventh Heaven ….. and it went on and on until I woke
up at 3 am …………. WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I replied:

If I was blushing yesterday when we were talking, it was

nothing compared with now.

I almost did not dare to read what you were saying about
your dream. I still have to digest - but maybe we can
make it reality - and if you forget what you were saying,
I will take this message with me and you will have to
fulfill every part of it.

I know, you are smiling now - and that’s what I wanted

to reach.

And now I am going to swim ……….


Jeff one minute later:

Ha Ha Ha ……… I urge you to HOLD me to EVERY


Enjoy the swim ……… talk soon, my Princess !!!!!!!!!!!


Although I was already at the door to go down to the

pool, I sat down again and wrote:

I dreamed the opposite …… I was kissing you …..

everywhere ………

Now you know what to expect ……… if …………….

And Jeff:

Not IF ……… WHEN ???????????????

I can’t wait to feel your lips, your skin, your smell, your
EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!

Departure in one hour ……… how I wish the destination

was Malaga !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I answered:

Do not forget to write to me also during the next two

weeks …..

You are in my heart,


And his response:

I’m glad, I’m in your heart ……….. I just wish I was

INSIDE YOU right now !!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want is to make you feel like a REAL woman

again…. and to make you laugh and feel ‘wanted’

I have everything a man can want in life right now ….

except children for now …….. but I feel, you deserve to
feel ‘wanted’ and ‘wanting’ again.

Is that too much to ask ?????????????

Marianne, PLEASE let me make you feel the way you
once felt !!!!!!!!!!!!!

The plane is taxiing ………. talk to you soon ………..


And my last mail that day:

I know that you are a very lucky and happy man - and I
know my position in this: I will - if ever - only be a
visitor - a ‘passing cloud’ ……….

But it would be nice to pretend - maybe only just for



When reading in the evening again our correspondence

of the day, one idea struck me:

He had told me before that this was the day of his 8th
Wedding Anniversary (September 26th).

So why did he not make love to his wife instead of

having ‘a sleepless night’ dreaming about me ………..?

Something was obviously very wrong here.

But since I had already understood that his private life

was ‘off-limits’ for me, I decided that it was not my
business to start an interrogation.

If one day he should feel like talking, he knew I would

listen ……..

I just had to wait until the time was right.


If only you knew,
How my heart overflows with love for you.
If only you could see the way you fill my hopes and dreams.
You’re the owner of my heart,
The ruler supreme………….

Even in the dark of night,

I’ve only to think about you to feel your loving light
And from this world I drift feeling as if
I’ll never touch the ground again …..

If only you knew…………

If only you could guess

How I hear your voice when others speak;
For you hold the key to my happiness,
And it’s always you my soul seeks………

If only you could feel

How your presence has the power to heal

All the wounds inside me.
You’ve made me abandon the pain of yesterday,
And you’ve shown me that the past can no longer
Stand in the way of what I hope to achieve …..

If only you knew ………..

If only you could realize the way you’ve shown me

That it’s better to give than to take.
And whatever I do, I do for your sake.

I’m willing to give you all and expect nothing in return.

But, oh how I yearn for you …………..

If only you knew ……………



Dreaming …………..

When I close my eyes at night,

I wish you were here holding me tight.

I wish you could look deep in my eyes,

And tell me that I mean the world to you.

And loving me is all you want to do.

Cause’ all I want to do is to be loved by you.

I wish you could whisper in my ear

And tell me you want me near.

Loving you is all I have in my mind,

And I will love you time after sweet time.

And when I close my eyes tonight,

I will dream of you holding me tight……..

It was a cool day in my corner of Spain. I had just returned
from a book club meeting, where several people had praised my
work in Kenya and expressed concern about my safety ….. since the
book was now available worldwide. I told them, I wasn’t really

And I must admit, I had also started to enjoy Jeff’s letters. He

was a very intelligent man, with a thorough grasp of many issues.
Picking his mind became an obsession.

So when I got back home, I went to my study and turned on

the computer.

Had Jeff written? Yes - he had:

Hey there, BEAUTIFUL …… landed a short while ago and

wanted to check in with you before getting some rest …..

You will NEVER be a PASSING CLOUD to me …… only

ONE MAN holds that title …… and it NEVER really
happened that way in the end ANYWAY !!!!!!!!!!

Sleep well, my SWEET.


Later that day, he wrote:

It’s been another loooooooooooong day ….. getting our

journalist accreditation as well as travel permits to be
able to go to DARFUR ….. so much bureaucracy here!!!!!!
They really are ‘scared’ of journalists ….. but hopefully
we’ll be ok and plan to ‘fly out’ by the weekend …. And
then begin broadcasting by Monday night (5 am our time
….. 10 pm Atlanta …..). The stories will then hopefully be

replayed all day the next day and the same thing all week
…… Anderson Cooper in Congo, Dr. Sanjay Gupta in
Chad and yours truly in Sudan …….. and guess what, all
three of us were involved in the EMMY award the other
day ………… what a team !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I again ‘felt’ something late last night ….. I

didn’t want to think of it too much but it kept coming
back ……….

You and I are ‘LINKED’ ….. whether we like it or not !!!!

Missing you like CRAZY …… and YES, please write me

ANY and EVERY time you can ….. even if I don’t get to
reply as often as I’d want to.

Kisses all over your BODY !!!!!!!!!!!!


To complete the picture, he then sent me later the text

of an article which he had done for the Anderson-Cooper-
Blog-360 – which is good read indeed - so I am including it

Mission Darfur, job one: part the red tape ……

We almost failed to make our flight out of Johannesburg, on

our way to Darfur as ‘360’ focuses next week on the humanitarian
crisis in Africa.

We booking was fine for the first sector to Nairobi, Kenya, but
it was the continuing sector to Sudan that was ‘choc-a-bloc’. We did
the only thing journalists do in that kind of situation, we begged and
begged and begged the airline officials like our lives depended on this
‘mission’. They must have seen our sincerity (or is it desperation?)
that finally they checked us all the way, complete with 18 pieces of

baggage, digital new gathering gear, laptops, satellite phones, bottles
of water, clothes, everything we would need for about a week in
what’s been described as THE world’s worst humanitarian crisis.

Both sectors of the flight were uneventful and we finally landed

in Sudan later that night. Clearing immigration proved easier than
expected and our luggage made it, believe it or not. We were
ecstatic as we wheeled our FIVE carts towards the customs officials
and the first of what was going to be a lesson in patience and

We showed our paperwork to one of the officials who barely

glanced at it before handing it over to his colleague and on it went
until the fifth customs officer took a quick look and yelled something
back in Arabic to our fixer who’d met us at the airport. ?he has to
call his superior’, Akram told us. ‘Ok,’ we replied. Five minutes,
ten, twenty, half-an-hour. ‘What’s the delay?, we asked. ‘It’s
Ramadan,’ was the answer, the fasting just ended for the day and
no-one’s available.’ This was understandable given the timing of the
flight and the Muslim Holy month. ‘How long do we have to wait?’
we asked. ‘He’ll soon come,’ the official responded.

Two hours later, we’d finally gotten the necessary paperwork

sorted we were walking out of the now deserted airport, humbled but
happy to have all our gear with us. We eventually got to the hotel,
checked-in and crashed for the night.

The next morning we were up early. Copies of passports were

made, photographs taken, ID at the ready. First we had to register
with the authorities, let them know we’re in town. Then to the
Ministry of External Affairs to get accredited and receive permission
to film, then to the Internal Ministry to get permission to fly to
Darfur, then to the police to make sure they know we can film in the
streets of the capital.

In a word, Sudan is a bureaucrat’s dream – paperwork,

paperwork and more paperwork.

Two days later, we just about have everything in hand, except
the all-important permission to fly to Darfur. That’s been promised
by Saturday and we plan to be ‘wheels-up’ Sunday to a place called
El Fasher in Northern Darfur, a region as large as Texas or France.
From there it’s a helicopter ride to a camp that was the recent scene
of bloody clashes. Fingers crossed until we actually set foot in one of
the world’s most wretched locations.


Before going to sleep that evening, he called just to say

‘good night’ - he obviously was very exhausted and tired.
His voice was very soft, almost vulnerable and somehow he
sounded very sad and lonely…………..

I thought about this when I woke up the following

morning and then decided to write:

….. when you read this, it will be already morning. I

hope, you slept well.

You should know that these early morning hours with the
light just creeping in have always been my ‘special’
hours when I liked to make love most.

So, please, keep your eyes closed for a while longer,

just feel my hands and my mouth on you - let me carry
you away and make you happy.

And then take this feeling through the following day until
the next morning when during the hours of dawn I will be
with you again ….. making love to you in your dream -
until you tell me to stop…..

Are you smiling now ??????????????????


And Jeff’s answer - also still very early in the morning:

….. not only am I smiling, I’m as ‘STIFF AS A POLE’

right now and will have to quickly take a cold shower to
‘cool things off’ !!!!!!!

My GOODNESS, Marianne, I’m really IMPRESSED ….. I

can’t wait for ALL THIS to happen ….. for us to be in
each other’s arms, lips locked together, hands exploring
each other, finding those places we both long to be …..
in a word, I can’t wait to be INSIDE YOU …… first with
my tongue …… and then ………..

I am glad, I helped awaken the ‘Tiger’ in you …..

somehow, like you said, you were waiting for the right
man to come along ….. and I’m honored to not only come
along, but CUM and CUM and CUM !!!!!!!!!!

And like you, I LOVE early morning LOVE-MAKING …..

Goodness, I’d better stop or I’m going to go CRAZY just
thinking of that …………

We’re still waiting for our Darfur permission …. Hopefully

we’ll get it later today or tomorrow ….. we also might get
an interview with the President here …… but that’s a BIG
maybe ………

In the meantime, stay ready for the time of your life

(which is very arrogant of me knowing who you’ve been
with in the past) ………

I may be arrogant ………. But GOODNESS, am I

CONFIDENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


When I read his mail, I had to smile - and then I

…. I am glad, I did excite you ………I am proud I did …..

I only hope, you are not driving or in a meeting -
otherwise I am afraid, you will either crash or blush

I am also longing to make love to you …….. I want to

touch you and feel you inside me.

I know, you will be a good lover - would I have

‘chosen’ you otherwise????????? Or did you ‘choose


Jeff’s immediate answer:

No, I wasn’t driving or in an interview …… I’m getting

ready for an interview we have in two hours with Jan
Pronk, the UN’s top man in Sudan …..

In the meantime, I’m smiling and smiling ….. and getting

HARDER and HARDER again thinking of what we’re
GOING to do with each other ……….

Lots of kisses all over your body ….. and when you get
out of your swimming costume, think of me getting
INSIDE YOU for a moment ………


In the evening he then called and we started talking
about his family, his Grandfather and his political future…..

Much to my surprise, he then added in writing:

…. Thanks for your comments ….. and for your ‘candid’

advice about my ‘future’ ………

I hope, you will ‘play’ a part of it …. Just like I owe it

to my Grandfather, you too ‘owe’ it to Kenya ….. we
could strike an agreement ….. I’ll give you back your
‘house’ ….. and your life in Kenya ….. and MUCH MUCH
MORE ………

Thanks for being my friend, Marianne ….. I don’t have

too many friends. But now I can count on one more …..
friend, LOVER, advisor, guru, LOVER ….. and on and
on and on …………..

Lots of LOVE,

And again he called and I told him how much I missed

Kenya – its people – the friends I had made – just everything
and that I almost felt like being ‘homeless’ since I had to
leave ………..

He must have realized how sad I was, because he then


………. PROMISE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t be too disheartened …… I’m touched by your LOVE

for Kenya and your wish to return to ‘your’ home ….. I
PROMISE you, I will do all I can to make that DREAM
come true for you …….. I truly sympathize with you that
no matter how GREAT your environment is, how

wonderful your Golf Estate is and how beautiful the
sunsets etc. - they’ll never compare to the KENYA you
fell in LOVE with all those years ago …….

I have a lot to do for Kenya ….. and a lot to fulfill to my

Grandfather’s dreams …. But God willing if everything
turns out ok (2012 and then 2017), I shall make sure
you get back to Kenya and live there for as long as you
want ….. this I PROMISE you TODAY ….. and you can
HOLD me to it !!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, the interview with PRONK went

wonderful well….. he was very candid and very ‘strong’
against the Sudanese Government (very UN-diplomatic)
which we REALLY liked ….. look out for it sometimes
next week ……..

Tomorrow we hope to get BASHIR ….. and that should

be a coup !!!!!!!!!!

By the way, on our way to the interview I looked up to

the sky and there in front of us getting ready to land was
- guess what - LUFTHANSA …… I smiled to myself and
kind of wished you were on that plane ……..

I’ll be calling you shortly ………

Stay SWEET, my SWEET !!!!!!!!


He then really called and continued to tell me how

much he was missing me and how desperately he needs to
make love to me …… and as soon as possible …….

I could hear his despair and also loneliness in his voice

- and had a quite ‘crazy’ idea:

Hello, my ‘special friend’,

Think carefully before you jump. Here it is: Did you ever
make love over the phone? I never did - but I would
like to try with you - so at least in this you will be the
first man in my life …….

I have no idea how this could be done - but I have the

feeling you do. I need to know exactly what you like to
hear and what to do (and I have already now problems
to find the right words - do you realize?)

You lead ……..


I was not surprised when he called back immediately

…. all excited “Can we start immediately ? Are you ready -
now? Please say ‘yes’, please …….”

But I told him that I need a little bit time. So

reluctantly he agreed that he would call me early in the
morning …….

Afterwards he also added in writing:

Your honesty is ‘humbling’ ….. and remember, you can

always talk to me about anything ……

I will be glad to lead you in this adventure ….. and for me

it will be an HONOR to be your ‘first’ in this ….. thank
you for doing this with me ….. I shall do my best to
‘fulfill’ you in every way I can ……

You and I are INTERTWINED now ….. there is NO
going back !!!!!!!!!!!

Sleep well, my SWEET Princess …. and as you lie naked

in your bed, think of me sliding in between your parting
legs ….. and making you feel like you’ve NEVER felt
before ……. Up, up and away !!!!!!!!!!

Lala salama, my Angel !!!!!!!!


As announced the evening before, he then called very

early in the morning, at around 5 am “I can’t wait any
longer - are you also ready?”

But when he started to tell me “Take the telephone

receiver in your left hand and now go down and start
caressing yourself like I do also with myself over here …..”, I
stopped him.

I told him that I could not do this ….. and then I put
down the receiver.

He called back immediately and asked if I was ok - I

told him that I was sorry - but I just can’t do this …..

Realizing how distressed my voice had sounded, he

then wrote:

PLEASE don’t be SORRY …. we’re in this together, YOU

and ME ….. so let’s not start regretting anything ….. I
know what you want …. and you know what I want …. so
let’s work towards BEING together for each other ….

No ‘Sorries’ …….. ok ?????????

Lots of LOVE,

Although I appreciated his understanding, I also

realized how disappointed he must had been and maybe
found my reaction ‘childish’.

I needed to explain myself and so I wrote:

It was my mistake since I never liked to touch myself

when I am alone. I only love it together with a man -
but him touching me and me touching him.

Only then it is fulfillment for me …. I always regarded

doing it without a man at my side like getting drunk alone
- hopeless and sad.

So, please don’t feel guilty - it’s my problem alone ….

your voice sounded a bit depressed and nervous this

Was there another problem? Tell me ……..


Jeff’s immediate reply:

Not depressed at all ….. just a little FRUSTRATED …. I

want to get this story GOING ….. I want to TELL the
world how DEPRESSING and DESPERATE the situation
in Darfur is ….. I want to SHOCK the WORLD into
coming to the Sudan and doing something for the people
here …….

And I’m FRUSTRATED I couldn’t be by your side last
night …..thinking of you NAKED and WANTING and
READY for me ….. that was very FRUSTRATING ….

I don’t want to DISAPPOINT you in any way …. And I

want to make you HAPPY and SMILING again just like
you’ve been doing these past few days ……. you
DESERVE it, Marianne ……. and I’m going to make sure
I do my part ………

You too have made me VERY HAPPY …… just thinking of

me when you’re swimming or lying NAKED on your
terrace or showering or walking around your lovely
Penthouse with my photo in the lobby is ENOUGH for
me ….. until I come and FULFILL all your fantasies and
needs and WANTS !!!!!!!!!

When I saw that LUFTHANSA plane landing yesterday

evening, I wished you were on it and that I could come
to meet you at the airport and whisk you away to my
hotel and make LOVE to you - OVER and OVER

That’s what I was thinking and feeling, my LOVE …..

Always in my thoughts (and in other places),



Every night when I close my eyes,
I drift to sweet dreams of you.
I imagine the taste of your lips,
The feel of your hands in mine,
And the softness of your hair
Brushing against my ears….
And suddenly I’m strong yet weak from my need for you.

And when you hold me close and look into my eyes

As you whisper how much you love me,
I’m carried gently to the clouds,
Your love makes me feel
So alive and proud
Of the person I am when I’m with you………………….

Yet when the stars fade as down breaks,

You kiss me goodbye at the door,
And I awake needing you even more
Than I did the day before.
I’m missing you badly
And I wish you were here………………………………..


Falling in Love with You
My heart took over completely
the day I fell in love with you.

I didn’t stop to decide

if I was thinking clearly,
I merely listened
to what my heart was telling me.

Your love made me feel warm and fuzzy,

You felt like a breath of fresh air to me.
I was overwhelmed
By your love so gentle and kind.

Holding your hand and

Listening carefully to each word you spoke,
instantly filled my heart with pure joy.
Perfect words spoken ……
in that romantic and tender voice.

I was over taken by you

And my heart begin to sing.
My face began to glow
Like a candle burning in the night.

For I found happiness the day

I fell in love with you ……………..

During the following days, a distinctly political and
very highly motivated Jeff Koinange started to emerge.

So in this section, what you’ll see is a man who is

intense, in a hurry and seems to look down on Africa and all
it stands for.

In fact, what you’ll notice is that Jeff is in this business

for a lot more than just the dissemination of news.

By the end of this section, I want you to ask yourself -

is this man a friend of Africa or its foe?


Late in the evening of September 30, Jeff wrote:


The interview with the President didn’t happen ….

Something about him meeting the EU President, Jose
Manuel Baroso, who just flew into town on his way to
Darfur ….. they’ve rescheduled if for tomorrow ….. but
you know in this DAMN place, tomorrow NEVER
comes ……..

We also haven’t received our travel permits for Darfur ….

Apparently they need one more signature …..

I guess that’s what working in some parts of AFRICA is

like ….. a LESSON in PATIENCE and TOLERANCE !!!!!

If I sound a little PISSED-OFF, please forgive me …. I’m
a patient person but when I’m getting SCREWED
around, I get really PISSED !!!!!!!!

I’m just going to smoke a cigar and think good

thoughts…… that way, I can calm down and hope that
tomorrow will be a BETTER DAY !!!!!!!!!

Sorry to VENT like this ….. this is what it’s like being
ME, and doing what I do …….. and everyone thinks this
is all about GLAMOUR and SHOWBIZ !!!!!!!!

If ONLY they knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk later.

A couple of hours later, he called from the Khartoum

Hilton to wish me a good night “….. and please don’t worry
too much about me - I already feel better just hearing your
voice, my Love …..”

But I still had the impression that he needed something

to cheer him up. Besides, I was worried about his trip to

So part of the reason I wanted to write was to make

myself feel better about the whole situation - because I
really feared that Jeff could die in Darfur.

I had heard of the Janjaweed and their evil schemes. I

had also heard of the Sudanese Government’s complicity in
the murder of the southerners.

I feared that if they found Jeff’s reporting incriminating

or too prying, they would set him up, allow his car to hit a
landmine or be ambushed.

It was 2:45 a.m. the following morning – or better night
- when I wrote to him:

Making love with words ……..

I woke up and as you can see from the time, it is again

this special magic hour of abt. 3 am ……

I had dreamed of you ….. of us. You had fallen asleep in

my arms - finally - with your head at my shoulders.
Now I am looking at you in the breaking hours of dawn
…. there is still so much pain in your face. Your sleep
must not have been very deep. I softly remove your arm
and turn. Then I start kissing your face, your cheeks
and your eyes.

For a moment your breath stops and you open your eyes
looking at me with a questioning smile. I tell you to close
your eyes again and just feel what I am doing. I
continue kissing you - but this time going down your
body - and with one hand I start touching you - with
the other still embracing you.

You softly say “please continue” - but you keep your

eyes closed like I told you. I feel how you become
excited, your breath faster. I continue touching you and
then kissing you also there.

Now your hands reach out to me. You are holding my

breasts and start slowly caressing me - but continue
keeping your eyes closed - only a smile starts lightening
up your face.

I am going on top of you and guide you inside me. We

slowly start moving together. You continue stroking my
breasts. I am bending down to you and start kissing your

You become more and more harder in me and with a
deep sigh you say “please stop” and then we turn -
you are on top of me now and again inside me you say
“I want to enjoy you as long as possible ….. so let me
lead and follow my movements - don’t move too fast -
I want both of us to come together ……”.

We continue - then your breath becomes more and

more faster - I start becoming more and more excited
and beg you “please faster and deeper”. You look at me
with a wide confident smile “I told you, just follow me”
and I do.

Then we both come together and you continue staying in

me for a while longer, bending down kissing me with a
long and relaxed sigh.

Then you put your arms around me saying “let’s sleep

for a while longer and then wake me again like you did
now and we will make love again. I promise …..”

I turn to you and smile. I can see that all the pain of the
evening and night before has disappeared from your face.
It is smooth and soft. Your eyes got back that confident

And then I know that you have become again sure about
your unlimited capabilities and you are full of trust in
yourself. I am very proud to have been able to do this to
you and slowly I also close my eyes and fall asleep -
until the morning when I know we will start all over

This was my dream …………….

I hope, you carry this into the next day and it will help
you to sustain all problems - or at least it should help
you to endure them. That’s all I want.

There is a line in the song ‘Tell him’ which I am sending
to you. It says ‘Love will be the gift you give yourself.’

This is exactly how I feel - how you have made me feel.

My love for you will be a present I am giving to myself.



Don’t you just love that letter? If you don’t, blame no

one but yourself. I told you to put the book down a while

And let me warn you again, I intend to drive even

faster. So keep your seatbelt where it is. Okay?


Now ….. here is how Jeff responded:

Your LOVE-MAKING email was UNBELIEVABLE….. you

write like you speak ….. from the heart and full of
PASSION ….. and I want you NEVER to stop ……

In the meantime, I think of YOU and US and how

‘BEAUTIFUL’ this relationship is developing and

I’ll call you later today ….. I promise …. go out and have
a swim and think of us ….. and when you’re lying on your
deck chair later on - think MORE, feel MORE, dream

MORE …… and know, I’m there WITH YOU every step
of the way …………

Miss you VERY much, my Sweet Princess.


I replied:

Looking forward to hear your voice ….. I hope,

everything goes well today. They announced in CNN that
they will do the special transmission of the three
countries between Wednesday and Friday next week -
and I saw you for just 2 seconds ….. made me feel


He then really called later ………..

“Tell me, what happened in the morning - after I

told you to wake me up like you did before. Tell
me, did we really make love again?????? Please
tell me everything and when I read, I can pretend
you are here with me and then ……. please, my
Love, continue with your dream. I need you so
much right now …….”.

I understood - and wrote:

…… part 2 ….. in the morning - it is around 6 a.m. and

we have slept locked in each other’s arms.

I can feel you move and realize that you are already
excited. You turn to me and without saying a word, your

hand starts caressing my breast and then moves down
and starts touching me softly.

And then you say - almost as a whisper - “don’t do

anything - just enjoy and let me lead this time”. I smile
at you “we will see…..”.

You continue touching me, then you bend down and

start also entering me with your tongue. Very softly,
very slowly.

But that’s too much for me - so I stop you and ask you
to lie down - and then I start taking you into my mouth.
With my tongue I am caressing the top and feel the blood
pumping in it - like it has its own life. You are groaning
now. Your face shows all your excitement while you keep
your eyes closed.

But all of the sudden you open them and your hands pull
me up. Then you say “No, not like that - please stop -
I want to explode into you” and you turn and enter me.

But after just two strong movements, you are already

coming with a deep sigh. Then you look at me “I am
sorry - I wanted it to last much longer - but you
excited me too much before.”

I just smile at you “But don’t you realize that this is

exactly what I wanted? That you loose your control and
let yourself go …..?”

You look at me and I can see the happiness in your eyes

- and silently I thank God that he gave me the capability
to bring you to such heights. And I know that this is all I
now live for: making you happy …………

This is how my day ‘with you’ started this morning -

now go into the world and fight …….

God bless you in everything you do and say.


After having read and digested my letter, Jeff called

half an hour later …..


But before I tell you what he said, you have probably

been asking yourself at what point did I fall in love with this
dashing reporter, right?

I can’t tell you with certainty when it happened. All I

know is that after writing my love-making dreams, I had a
man in my life. I was his - and he was mine.

And because he was a reporter, the world was our

stage. What more could a woman ask for?


Well, so much to that ……….. here is what Jeff said

when he called:

“….. you do not know which effect this had on me - just

reading your mail - I felt like you were here by my side
talking to me and touching me - this is just unbelievable

…… thank for doing this for me ………



These Dreams of You ………….

You’re my wings, your smile a gentle breeze;

Over cerulean seas, I soar with ease,
Upon dreams of you.
You’re my flame stoked high
To make day of midnight.

You’re my heaven and mysterious moonlight.

Through black velvet twilight
to early morning sunlight,
I treasure these dreams of you ………

You’re the melody that strokes my heart

And makes everything feel right.
You’re a rose, both red and white,
My fiery passion and my angel of light.

And I cherish these dreams of you.
Never shall this blossom fade.
Through bitter winter winds
And harsh summer light,
Through bright spring days and long fall nights,

You’ll be my rose………..
My melody………………...
My moonlight………….....
My heaven ………………...
My flame …………………..
My wings …………………..
And my greatest delight..

You’ll always be my everything bright.

And as long as blue jays sing
And the earth’s rebirth marks every spring,

I’ll live for these dreams of you……………



I have come to know and Love you
like I’ve never known or loved another.
Words have not been made
that could describe the feelings
we have for each other.

I would go to any lengths to let you

Know at all times that I care
Because I want you to know
that anytime you reach for me,
you’ll find me there ….

Like any other good Catholic, I love Sundays. When the day
starts, I usually wake up, shower, have breakfast and then dress
for the mass. And since I am living alone, my routine is pretty set.

But this Sunday morning, October 1, I was in no mood to go

to the downtown Marbella church. I was worried about my man.
Was he going to be okay in Sudan?

You would think, my fears should lead me to prayer ….. to

the throne of God. They didn’t. Instead, I went to the computer
and turned it on. I wanted to write to Jeff, send him off to Omar El
Bashir with the love and courage of a strong European lady.

But when the email box opened, it was Jeff who had

For your EYES ONLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I’d let

you into ‘my house’ for a sneak peek ….. something
I’ve NEVER done with anyone else …… shows just how
much I TRUST YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, my GREATEST passion is collecting ART

from EVERYWHERE I travel (mostly in Africa …. but
also Baghdad when I was there) …. that way, I can
remember a place when I’m sitting down in the comfort
of my home ……..

Here’s a little taste ……. please keep THIS to yourself,

my Angel !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy - lots of LOVE.



He trusted me! But how did we go from trying to publicize my
book, in writing such intimate letters to each other?

Some of you will think, I started it. Others will say, Jeff did.
But both miss the point. The point is that for me, I found something
not many women of my age find. I found young love.

As for Jeff, you will have to ask him what he found.

Maybe he was just lonely and desperate for love and attention
in spite of being married and having an exciting job……

Like he once said: It is tempting and lonely out there ……

I still find it fascinating that he fell in love with me…… but I



As soon as I read his letter, I replied:

God, how I envy you - yes, I love art - I used to go

regularly to Art Museums and special exhibitions. We
have a very important Picasso Museum here in Malaga
where he was born and the paintings and sketches have
been donated by his wife and his children. We should
both go there if and when you come here …..

And of course, I love African art - so we have another

thing in common. I am more and more convinced it was
‘destiny’ which has brought us together.

I know, I will never have you all - but what we share

already now, is more than many other people have in
their whole life and sometimes never have.

All my love - and have a good day. I hope, everything
goes well for your trip to Darfur.



I know what you are thinking…. So she knew Jeff was

married and she still wrote him those love letters and
enjoyed receiving his?

But I am not the first woman to ever love a man who

was married. And if you have been in this world long
enough, you will have noticed that most prominent men
have a mistress or even concubine or whatever you want to
call them.

For me, it wasn’t as though I hoped Jeff could leave his

wife and marry me. I was too old for such a foolish idea.

But if his wife wasn’t there for her husband (just

remember that night of their 8th wedding anniversary when
he sent me his first love-letter because he had dreamed that
very night about making love to me ….), could the husband
be blamed for a little ‘distraction’ ?

All I ever did was to be there for Jeff when his wife
clearly wasn’t……

So if you expect an apology, I have to disappoint you

since there will be none …. at least not from my side.


But just read what Jeff had to say - after he called me,
happy that I felt like him - he wrote:

….. so you also like African Art ???????? I shouldn’t even

have asked …….. I KNOW you’re AFRICAN …..

And DESTINY is exactly what’s happened between YOU

and ME, my LOVE !!!!!!!!!!

Glad you liked that part of me (the Art part) …. and even
more glad you can RELATE to it as I do…

We are both AFRICANS at HEART ….. and MIND …..

and SOUL ……

GREAT NEWS - we just got our PERMITS to travel to

Darfur ….. apparently the one that was giving them
trouble was my US PASSPORT (I travel mostly on my US
passport because it’s easier to get around …. except
here) …..

Two weeks ago at the UN, the State Department

prevented Sudanese Officials from traveling around the
United States and now the Sudanese want to do the
same with US citizens here …. a tit-for-tat, if you will…..

Luckily they thought better and DON’T want to MESS

with CNN because we threatened to go ON-THE-AIR
with the ‘NEWS’ that the Sudanese Govt. was preventing
journalists from going to Darfur …..

But thank God is turned out this way because I HATE

being THE NEWS ….. I prefer MAKING THE NEWS
!!!!!!!!!! (I still have a Kenyan Passport, in case you’re
wondering ….. but it needs to be RENEWED !!!!!!!!)

So, we’ve now been given the GREEN LIGHT to travel
to the World’s Worse Humanitarian Crisis ….. we leave at
6 a.m…….

How was your SWIM, my LOVE ????????? Still

GLOWING ?????????? And how was the lie on the
TERRACE ???????? I can still picture that ….. and can’t
wait to SEE it for myself !!!!!!!!! (and join you for that
matter !!!!!!!!!)

Talk later, my SWEET.



After having read his letter, I left my apartment and went for a
little walk ….. fresh air.

The area where I live at the Spanish Costa del Sol is highly
cosmopolitan. There are people from all over the world. But my
favorite people are the African refugees. Whenever I meet them on
the streets, I talk to them. At first they don’t trust me, but
eventually they warm up to me and talk. And their stories are always
too painful to imagine.

That’s why I can’t understand governments that deny the

world’s poorest, most tortured souls a chance to make a living.
Aren’t the Moroccan and Algerian Arabs who cross the Gibraltar
people? Aren’t the Africans from the continent’s central and southern
nations people?

If all these people braved the elements of the tropical forests,

the brutal cities and streets, the Sahara desert and got to Europe,
why not let them live and make something of their lives? Why do we
make laws that erect the toughest barriers for them? What does
Europe have to lose? - Fuck our lawmakers for their dumbness.

Anyway, while I was gone, Jeff called three times and
also left messages. By the time he called, I was with friends who
had insisted I hang on for dinner. I did.

In his third message, Jeff sounded a little depressed. He

thought he had offended me. This was sounding more like an
insecure small boy than the strong grown-up man he usually
pretended to be. I loved it ….. :

You’re NOT angry, are you ??????????

It’s five minutes to ten and I’ve been trying to keep my

promise to call for the last ten minutes but to NO avail.
I hope, I didn’t anger you in any way ….. I just want you
to TRUST me ….. just as I TRUST you, my LOVE…..

So, I have to get some rest as I’m getting up at 4:30

a.m. for a 6 a.m. flight to Darfur ….. I don’t know how
good or bad phone service is there but I shall try and
call….. if not, we’ll chat on email……

Stay well, think GOOD thoughts ….. and remember,

someone in DARFUR really really CARES about


Although I regretted to have missed his calls, I didn’t write

back immediately. I let the hours roll by without saying anything. I
wanted him to miss me - long for me - cry for me …….

But I couldn’t sleep - and at 3:30 a.m. I got up and wrote:

My love, I have been awake since almost hone hour -

waiting and hoping you would call again before leaving. I

also miss you terribly - and yes, I was a bit angry
yesterday when you started to talk again about making
love to me over the phone knowing how it turned out a
‘disaster’ when we tried last time ….

Why do we spoil the little time we have with such a

stupid argument? So I went to see my friends here and
accepted their invitation to stay on for dinner.

Now I am sitting here - sad and longing for you. I have

your photo in front of me and I can see your desire for
me in your eyes - like you told me on the phone.

At the moment, I can only give you my heart - until we

meet and we can finally touch each other, embrace each
other and make love.

But for now, you will feel my arms around you when you
go to sleep and my lips will softly kiss away your pain and
your tears since I am sure that there will be times and
nights when the things you will see during the next days
will make you cry ….. don’t hide these feelings - also
this belongs to the man I love.

I will watch over you when you sleep and I will still be at
your side when you wake up in the morning. You will feel
my love wrapped around you all the day.

I love you and I pray for you - and I will continue

dreaming of you, of us.

With all my love,


It was like Jeff had just been waiting for my letter,

because only minutes after I had sent it, he picked up the
phone and called me just before checking out of the

Khartoum Hilton telling me how much he had missed talking
to me the evening before ……

He had not slept at all fearing that I could be offended

or could have become ‘tired’ of him and his desire for me ….

I realized how much he really seemed to need me -

although I still did not understand ‘why’ ……. what about his
wife? Should she not be the one he was longing to be with?

I tried not to think such negative thoughts and after we

finished our phone conversation, I wrote instead:

Go into the following days thinking of me - remembering

of what we have discussed about your political future.

Think about all the things you could - and you will -
make different. The power and influence you will have
and how you - I am sure - will use it for the benefit not
only of the Kenyan people, but also for the whole

I think if you went into it because you believe to ‘owe’ it

to your Grandfather - after having beein in Darfur, you
will know that you owe it to the people there and to all
the people in other parts of ‘our’ Africa who need
somebody who cares and gets them out of their misery.

And because I believe in you and your faith, I dared to

tell you my ‘experience’ of last night …. Also this is a
part of you - but this you are only for me ….

I need you very much - God bless you.


When it hit 4:30 a.m., I got off my bed and knelt beside
it to pray for Jeff. I wanted him to be safe since I knew that
he started his dangerous journey to Darfur right in this

But would God listen to a woman like me? Would He

keep Jeff safe so he could come to Europe for us to finally

Did God really do things like that?


Only two hearts can sing
With all the joy life brings,
Inspiring hope in the soul’s depths,
Scaling mountains
Never climbed yet,
Flying beyond the star’s reach
And discovering beauty
In the light of each,
Seeking rainbows beyond the pall.

Only two hearts in love

Have it all -
Two hearts like ours.



If you let me, I will be
As gentle as I can.
I would never want to hurt you,
I want to be your loving man.

So won’t you come and go with me,

And share some sweet delight?
I will tend to all your needs,
If you would only spend the night.

Making love to my sweet angel,

Would be my biggest thrill.
And all my dreams come true in you,
If you’d only say you will.

So if you want to give to me

A gift beyond compare,
Then let me take you in my arms
To let our bodies share.

I’ll feel your heart right through my chest,

I’ll taste your lips divine.
I’ll feel the softness of your breast,
So happy you are mine!

Since I had followed Jeff’s first life transmission from Darfur
all night, I only woke up quite late on October 3 and decided to stay
in bed even a while longer.

My mind was too preoccupied with places like Darfur, Baghdad

and the Congo. The question that repeatedly knocked at the door of
my conscience was - WHY?

Why is the international community letting another genocide

take place? For how long are we human beings going to continue
demonstrating to the animal kingdom that we are no better than

You say it’s survival of the ‘clever ones’? And the West is the
most clever? But does that reasoning also mean that they have to
use every means at their disposal to prove they are superior to the
rest of world ….. do they really?

Well, let’s leave the Iraq question aside for a minute. That is
something that won’t end any time soon. I believe that even if
another American President is elected, only the tactics will change
but the war will go on.

What stuns me more is the wars in Africa. Why would human

beings who look alike, live in uniform depravity and face an
international community that is indifferent to their plight, want to kill
and maim each other? Why did the Rwandese butcher each other?
How about the Angolans? And what should we make of the
recurring tribal clashes in Kenya? Doesn’t Darfur remind the Africans
that when their communities implode, the world will only observe
things from a distance?

Finally at around 10:30 a.m. I slapped away my comforter and

got off my bed. Although I was still depressed, I decided that life
had to go on.

So I went to the computer to see what was going on with my
distant ‘lover’.

And he did not disappoint me – Jeff had already written:

Love from Darfur ………

We arrived safely in Darfur and literally hit the ground

running …..

We had to shoot a whole story for the first of four

programs we’re doing for AC360 which should be showing
NOW as we speak in the States …. and ALL DAY on
CNN International …..

I know you WILL be watching ….. as you ALWAYS do,

my LOVE.

We slept for three hours …. and are up now getting ready

to go meet with the African Union Troops to go on patrol
….. they say they’ll take us to a village that was attacked
about a week ago ….

Don’t worry, I’ll be careful …. and I’ll be thinking of you

ALL DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay well, my SWEET Princess ….. and remember,

someone in Darfur LOVES YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!


I replied:

Thanks for your message - you know me in the

meantime: worried and afraid for you - not doubting
you - so please don’t jump.

Yes, I am following the program - actually since

But all my previous - carelessly - given promises that I

write to you nice things cheering you up etc. are gone
….. I have seen the situation you are in, the suffering of
these people - and I do not find the words to write
about my trivial problems (like longing to be with you).

So I fear, you have to wait a little bit until I will be able

to - but I will - soon.

In the meantime, keep your promise to be careful - and

continue thinking about me like I do here - with all my
heart …. and body …. and all my love.


Realizing that especially now he needed my support, I

added a few hours later:

I have seen your first report already several times and I

have also taped it. CNN is repeating it every hour.

I am proud to be your friend and maybe sometimes being

allowed to occupy a small niche in your life. I have seen
the way you were talking to these young women -
battered and raped, having lost everything and still
having kept their dignity and pride.

Only African women can be like that ……

I have watched how these shy women surrounded you,

trusting you and were opening up to you because they
realized your humanity. They seemed to forget that they
speak to a man about such private matters which is
already difficult to talk about to another woman. Some

even risked a small shy smile – and especially this should
have made you very proud and happy.

It definitely gave me a shiver of admiration for you.

Seeing you there (and following you through the next
days - Anderson Cooper is starting tomorrow until
Friday, 4 p.m. my time) is another experience for me to
get to know you.

And it also scares me - you have become so close to me

- so much a part of my life - but what can I give back
to you? You are filling all my thoughts and feelings and
this is making me afraid that maybe I cannot fulfill your

But I do not want to make you feeling uncomfortable -

so I better stop now …..

I let you concentrate on your important mission and want

to assure you that in spite of all my doubts (and I am
doubting me, not you), my heart is full of love and
tenderness for you and also with a very special
admiration for the way you do your job.

You have made me very happy - so I sincerely hope

that one day I can give something of this happiness
which you brought into my life back to you - and not
only like now just in words on the phone or on the
computer …..


It took Jeff a while to reply to my letter. And with each passing

hour, I was becoming more nervous, afraid. I kept wondering how
he was doing.

The only thing that kept me going was that there had been no
breaking news about a CNN correspondent being killed in Darfur…….
so all must have gone well.


And then early the next morning as I was just sitting

down to see the live transmission of AC360, he had finally
found the time to write:

Another looooooooooooooooong Day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s 3:40 a.m. and I’ve just woken up……… we’ve been
working again all day and have sent out our story for
today and managed to get three hours sleep …..

We’ll be going LIVE in two hours ….. I have TWO

LIVES ….. one at 5:30 a.m. (my time) and again at
6:40 a.m. …… and then at 8:30 a.m. we begin working at
our story for tomorrow ….. or is it evening ??????????

What a LIFE !!!!!!!!!!! And someone once said this is all

about SHOWBIZ !!!!!!!!!!!!

But like you said, I was born to do this ……. to gain the
trust of ‘women’, to tell their stories …. to be the VOICE
of the VOICELESS !!!!!!!!!

For my first LIVE, they’ll be replaying the STORY I did

last May in CONGO of these women RAPE VICTIMS …..
PLEASE check it out if you can ….. and tape it ….. it will
make your skin CRAWL !!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for watching the story today - thanks for taping

it - thanks for your observations …. and MOST OF
ALL, thanks for being there for ME !!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE you and MISS you TERRIBLY !!!!!!!!!!!



That’s really a kind man - wouldn’t you agree with me? Being
there to talk for the ‘voiceless’, be there for them. And what woman
would not like a sensitive man like that?

Better still, what woman wouldn’t want to be with such a man?

A man who embedded himself with the world’s war toys to bring the
story of human suffering to a global audience? Wasn’t that not every
woman’s dream?


I felt lucky to have such a man - and wrote back:

As you can see, I am getting up during the night to

check if I find a message - I feel that way I can be
closer to you knowing what you are doing - and read
your message.

Of course, I will see those transmissions and of course I

will also tape them. Thanks for alerting me about it …..

I am with you in this - don’t you know it? With all my

heart - for now ‘only’ with my heart ….


He must have been still sitting in front of the computer

because he replied immediately:

YOU and ME together !!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, my SWEET PRINCESS …….. and thanks for
staying UP with me ………

I feel like you’re here …. or me there ……….. either way,

we’re TOGETHER ….. and it’s a GOOD FEELING !!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!



How sweet - has a man ever written to you from a war zone?
I’m sure, the wives of the men serving in Iraq and other places can

Anyway, after reading his message, I replied


And I am still watching - Anderson Cooper Special

Edition - the Report on the Raped Women was chilling
as you said.

I saw also your live comments. You were very direct and
brave and you really talk for these otherwise voiceless
women ………

And I continue watching - I can still sleep a but during

the day - contrary to you - so don’t worry about me -
it is enough that I worry about you ………..

I love you,

And he replied only minutes later:

Thanks for watching, MY LOVE ………
I can feel you ALL OVER me as I do ‘what I was born
to do’ ………..


Later that day, I took time to watch the report on the UN


It had been difficult - and dangerous - they were stopped

before reaching the village and had to turn back in a hurry because
there was some fighting going on again …….

But read for yourself – this is the article Jeff wrote for
the ‘360’-blog describing what happened while going on

Out-gunned soldiers avoid confronting enemy.

We went on the road today with African Union peacekeepers in

Darfur, Sudan …. You know, those 7,000 ill-equipped and
undermanned troops who are supposed to police an area the size of

The United Nation’s top diplomat in the Sudanese capital,

Khartoum, told us that some of the units have to cook their own
food. How are you supposed to keep the peace when you’re
worrying whose turn it is to cook?

They’re also seriously under-equipped in terms of firepower.

And the few helicopters they have don’t even have enough fuel to fly
troops in and out of difficult-to-reach places, the UN’s top man told
us. And this is their mandate: Shoot ONLY if shot at – this is one
of the most lawless and unforgiving regions on earth.

Well, we were about to find out just how undermanned and ill-
equipped they are on this day. We were on patrol with them to a

town called Tawiya, recent scene of heavy fighting that forced more
than 15,000 civilians to flee their homes. Add that to the roughly 2.5
million internally displaced people, a polite term for refugees in their
own country.

Halfway into the trip, the radios started crackling (at least they
have radios). There was trouble up ahead and they had to turn back
and avoid a confrontation like they had a couple of weeks ago when
nearly a dozen of them were killed in a gun battle with anti-
government forces.

Imagine what this does to morale. Battle-hardened soldiers

forced to turn back because the ‘bad guys’ up ahead are better
equipped. It’s enough to demoralize any troops, and these African
Union troops are fast getting demoralized.

The bottom line, their commander told me: He needs twice as

many troops, plenty of logistics support, lots of hardware and free
access to the air, something the Sudanese government is completely
opposed to.

And to think that these are the soldiers that stand in the way of
Africa’s second genocide in a little over a decade. They don’t appear
to stand a chance.


Well, like I was saying, after watching the UN Patrol,

it sent shivers down my spine realizing into which danger
Jeff had put himself. I therefore wrote:

…… Yes - and you told me not to worry when you

informed me about going on patrol.

Seeing your Report, I got scared like hell ….. I knew it

….. you are in danger - just admit it to yourself ……

……… and then leave the praying to me ………

With all my love,

And Jeff reacted right on the spot:

………. no danger ………….

I know you’re with me ….. and PRAYING for me …..

what more can a man ASK for ???????????????????

Thanks for watching …… at least someone is watching

who APPRECIATES what I do …………

Lots of LOVE,

After having read his message, I whispered ‘I love you,


But at the same time I was saddened by the impression

that this moving report - as graphic as it was - was
probably not going to be watched by certain policy makers in
Washington, Berlin, Paris, London and other notable global

What did it need to awaken the world community finally

from its deep slumber? Was the dying of almost 2 million
Africans not already enough?

And we continue calling ourselves civilized? What a

‘bullshit’ ……………..


If our love were a rose,
Satin petals thick with dew,
I’d awaken you each morning
And make tender love to you.

If your love were a falcon

With wings spread wide in flight,
I’d soar with you beneath the stars
And welcome in each night.

If your love were a flame

To warm body and soul,
I’d stoke the fire until it raged
Red hot and out of control.

If our love were a garden

Of burning bush and clinging vine,
I’d wrap my arms around you,
And brush your fire with mine.



No matter who you look like
No matter who they see,
The joy that is within me
You’ve given endlessly.

For me you are the sunrise

The softness of the rain
Beauty of the twinkling stars
That sparkle of champagne.

The softness of the petals

Of roses’ sweet delight
I feel that when you hold me
While dancing through the night.

They say I am your Beauty

And to them you are my Beast,
But every time I see you
My heart beats just increase.

I’m only going to say this

Just one more time today,
I love you with a passion
That never goes away.

So take me to the moon and back

We’ll always have this night
Dancing on the clouds again
With stars that shine so bright.

In my lifetime, I have taken a lot of pictures - most of them
in Africa, but also in Europe and other locations all around the world.

But of all of them, there is one that I consider the ‘bomb’. It

was taken in Croatia during a sailing trip with my daughter and her
father …….. and still today when I look at this picture, I am
reminded of the days I was a ‘Goddess of Beauty’ …….

Well, I bring up this photo because Jeff asked me for it.

But before you say, Jeff couldn’t have known about it if you
didn’t flaunt it - let me own up: I did……..

I did because I wanted him to see the woman I used to be ….

the woman I know I’ll never be again ………… because time has
passed since.

Anyhow, only moments after writing to Jeff and after he

replied saying he was safe, I sat down and revisited the issue of this

But rather than telling him I was sending it, I chose to taunt
him, dangle it. I wanted him to ask for it himself. Ask in a way that
revealed passion, urgency.

So I wrote:

….. I need you desperately …. having seen you - several

times on TV - has made me realize how much I miss
talking to you.

I am trying to convince myself that already hearing your

voice like that should be enough for me - bit it isn’t.
Although I know I will have to wait some days more
before you can finally call me again ……..

Thinking about you is hurting - I never thought, you
could become so much a part of my life, of my thoughts
and of all my feelings and body …….

Try to come to me at least in my dreams - dream of me

and transmit your thoughts to me ….. I need you …. I am
desperately longing for your tenderness and caresses and
I am not even ashamed to admit this.

But I have decided not to send you that special photo at

least not at the moment. It is very private and personal.

Do not be offended, please. I will bring it with me when

we meet and if and after we have made love. Then it will
be yours.

Can we agree on this?

So I hope that this letter is still making you a little bit

happy although you were expecting more.


And Jeff replied immediately and exactly in the way I

had hoped he would:

My Darling,

I am happy but also a bit disappointed ……..

I’m glad you’ve been watching me ALL DAY and

enjoying OUR coverage of events in AFRICA’s trouble
spots ….. glad you feel close - glad you see me talking
to YOU - makes me HAPPY that I’m communicating
with you …… and you with me ……

However, I’m disappointed that you still DON’T trust me
completely ….. you’re still HOLDING back …. still don’t
want me to see what you really look like ….. still NOT
trusting that YOU’VE already HOOKED me and that I
am NOT going anywhere ………

Why is this so? What are you afraid of? Why don’t you
trust me?

I want you to be able to know that I can’t wait to see you

- can’t wait to be in YOUR ARMS - taste your LIPS -
smell your SKIN - lick your BODY - make you feel like
the WOMAN you are ……………

Trust me, my SWEET ….. send me that photo ….. I was

looking forward to opening up the envelop when I get
back to Joburg next Monday ….. now that doesn’t look
likely !!!!!!!!

YOU want to TEASE me some more ……….????????

You DON’T have to, my LOVE …… you ALREADY have

me …….. 100-PERCENT !!!!!!!!!

Think about it ……… and know you’re MINE and I’m

YOURS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

………. ALWAYS ………


Okay - if you were in my shoes, what would you have

done? Would you have sent the picture? For me, his email
only made me feel worse …. guiltier.

And because I had started the whole subject, I decided
to send it. The teasing was over. Let him see me in my glory

So I replied:

And now I am feeling bad - worse than that, I

understand - and to disappoint you is the last I want -
therefore: you will get the photo - by DHL - next

Are you now happy that you convinced me? The way I
feel today, you could ask me anything and I would do it.
Does that make sense to you?

In other words, I have lost my head, my heart and my

senses - all because of you.

So, please, don’t be angry with me anymore - better

tell me: how was your day? Does Anderson Cooper
transmit the same time like last night? Should I watch?
Will I also see you?

How I miss to be able to talk to you.


After I had hit SEND, I sat back and waited…… I could

see him reading, smiling, shaking his head…….. how did
this happen?

But it had …… we both were in love with each other…..

And just as I expected, he wrote back:

Thanks, my LOVE ………. I’ll email you shortly about my
day ……… I have to now voice my script for today’s story
…… you will LIKE this one ….

And yes, SAME times like yesterday ….. so you and me

together again ……. same time, same place ………

I LOVE YOU Sooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH !!!!!!!!!!



And that was the end of a long day. I was finally ready to go
to bed. In the meantime, I was going to tape AC360 so I could
watch it the following morning.

When I finished the recording, I looked at the watch and

realized that in just one hour the new transmission of Anderson
Cooper would start ……………..

So once again, Jeff and I were together - just as he

had told me.

Instead of going to sleep, I decided to stay up and

watch the live transmission of AC360 and it was like I could
feel Jeff’s warm embrace as he talked …..

I went out on my terrace to look at the stars. But what I never

counted on was the full moon. It came straight our of the horizon,
dove into the Mediterranean, then bounced off and came straight at
me. It lit up the sky like a humongous display of fireworks.

As I watched it, I thought of Jeff. For me he was that moon.

His love came straight from the heavens and then lodged in my
heart…… JK ….. for me there was no other…….

And because of my strong feelings for him which
prevented me from sleeping right now, I sat down at 5 a.m.
and wrote another letter:

….. I had been again on the ‘if and if not’ road-of-

discovery - that’s why I was a bit depressed yesterday.

Again doubting myself - and being afraid. This is the

reason why I wanted to postpone the sending of that

But then there are my dreams of making love to you -

holding you - satisfying you and you satisfying me.
Sometimes these imaginations bring me up - but very
often also down - mainly during the late evening hours
before I go to sleep - alone - thinking and feeling how
close you have come to me and how lonely I would feel -
again - if I would loose you.

I try to push away these fears - but in my mind they are

still there and sometimes take over all my thinking - like

Sue called and realized how depressed I was and insisted

to come to see me. She tried to cheer me up “just let it
happen - I have the impression you can trust him - he
will not let you down - he is a mature man. So forget all
your doubts ….. just enjoy it. And even if you two don’t
become lovers, I am sure you will continue being

That’s when I started ‘dreaming’ again ….. and smile.

I always found it very difficult to write or talk about my

real feelings.

Saying “I love you” sometimes was very easy - just
words - mostly even without meaning …. but saying “I
am afraid of my feelings” is something else.

I have always preferred to put on the mask of a

glamorous woman hiding behind perfect dressing and a
‘do not come close to me’ smile.

You have pulled down this mask and all of the sudden I
am realizing how vulnerable I have become again. This
scares me a lot.

I do not expect you to hurt me - please do not think

that. But I am afraid that life can hurt me now without
the protecting shield I had so successfully put around me.

And - mainly - I do not want to loose you - what will

happen if you do not find me attractive and I see the
disappointment in your face - in your eyes? How will I
survive that?

This is the real fear I have: how could I live again

without you?

So - please - think carefully if you are willing to take

the risk to meet me - maybe we should continue
dreaming instead on the distance????????

Don’t say “no - no way” - think twice before replying

to this. You are facing a very scared woman - trusting
you, but definitely not trusting herself.

I have never thought I could write this to you - but

seeing you with these women in Darfur and the Congo,
has given me the assurance that I could.

I love you - and these are not just words - this time
there is all my heart (and my fears) behind these three



Have you ever written a letter so profound to someone you


In this letter, I revealed my vulnerabilities to Jeff for the first

time: I was struggling with my looks. I no longer found myself
attractive. And I feared what age was doing to my looks.

And one more thing, I have always been a hands-on woman.

I am used to take charge of situations around me.

So the fact that age was something I could not control,

frustrated me a lot.


And what was Jeff saying about all this? At 4 a.m. I

received the answer:

WOW …..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just woke up at 4 a.m. and since I don’t have a LIVE

until 6:50 a.m. (my time), I decided to check my mail …..
and I can HONESTLY say ……..

I’ve NEVER read an email so powerful !!!!!!!!!!!!!

You remind me of me sometimes ….. because I too doubt
whether I am good looking enough to be on TV …..

I even grew my hair (it’s called Dreads) and somehow

no one had a problem with it at CNN (it’s funny because
my Grandfather would probably think it amazing that I
have joined the Mau Mau !!!!!!!!)

Isn’t life interesting????

Growing up I always thought that maybe I was NEVER

good enough ….. and in fact when I went to college to
study journalism, I wanted to do strictly RADIO and
NOT Television because I didn’t think I was good enough
for TV …..

But now I have overcome that ….. my work speaks for

itself and even though I don’t look like most people, my
work can carry me through on any given day …..

You know how that say BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU


Well, that’s what I think you did sometime back ……

You had EVERYTHING in life ….. and you achieved

EVERYTHING you ever wanted ….. did what you did with
whom you did because you were ON TOP OF THE
WORLD … and one day you LOST a part of YOU ….

But the GOOD thing is, that part of you that remained
still had some HOPE ….. some LIFE ….. a second

Listen, I know you are OLDER than I am …..

My first wife was TWENTY years OLDER than me but

we were in LOVE and nobody could stop us then …..

That’s LIFE …. you LIVE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME !!!!

I know we will meet ……. and I know we will MAKE

LOVE …….. and I KNOW it will be GOOD …… trust me.

I know things about people ……. I can tell feelings ……

and your feelings are ALL IN THE RIGHT PLACES …….

Stay focused on what you are doing …… and the REST

will fall into PLACE …..

That’s ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





I was moved to tears by Jeff’s reply.

And after I had read it, I finally knew that I was not
going to go to bed at all. How could I sleep when I knew
that someone in Darfur loved me ….. and was in the middle
of one of Africa’s most senseless wars?

If you were me, would you have slept? Well, I didn’t.

Instead I went back to the computer and read my own

letter to Jeff once more before replying to his.

Once I had read it, I wrote to him again ….. with a

heavy heart.

Here is what I said ……

Thank you - I was just reading my last mail to you again

and started to become very sad - then I saw your
message and all my senses lifted up again.

You have this power on me - and it scares me because

no other man did this to me before.

And do not worry about your looks - you are very

attractive - and yes, I saw these ‘dreads’ and I think
they fit you.

Do you realize that I am smiling again now? - You will

love the photo…….


And after having the AC360 Report, I shortly after


……. I feel ashamed ….. you and the AC360 Report have
made me feel ashamed again.

How can I put my stupid doubting problems in front of

you when you are facing such terrible situations right
now? -

Forgive me, please….


Jeff’s reply was instant - at 5:15 a.m. he wrote:

….. welcome back ….. I’m GLAD THE REAL MJB IS

Hang in there …….. and NEVER EVER DOUBT who or

what you are !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for watching ….. OUR problems seem

MINISCULE compared to OTHER PEOPLE around the
WORLD …….. Count your BLESSINGS ……. and THANK
GOD for what you HAVE !!!!!!!!

Now then, back to OUR love-making …….. you see, I

made you SMILE !!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I replied an hour later:

…… thoughts about you …….

Before I go to sleep - contrary to you I guess - I went

out on my terrace and looked at the full moon shining so
peacefully here and started wondering about you, these
people in Darfur around you and the - crazy - world in

It is so peaceful here - why can’t it be like that


And then I also started thinking - and you can keep me

on this promise - whatever you and me decide in the
future, let us fill it love and tenderness - no matter
what ……

Where there is so much pain and suffering - let us make
a difference - not only in our life, but also in the life of

Can we agree on this??????


It took Jeff just 5 minutes to reply.

But though his words were sweet, I didn’t like the part
where he said that he was taking a helicopter that went
somewhere only twice a week.

Did that mean if there was trouble there, he would be


Anyway, I’ll let you read the letter and be the judge.
Here it is:

…….. DEAL ……. my WORD is my BOND …….. simply

put, it means I PROMISE !!!!!!!!

The moon is FULL here too ……. this world can be so

BEAUTIFUL, yet so UGLY !!!!!!!!!!!

Sleep well, my LOVE …..

I have a helicopter ride in an HOUR to yet another

refugee camp …… where we’ll be reporting for the next
TWO days ……. as the helicopter only flies to this place
twice a week ……..

Talk to you later, my SWEET PRINCESS …… and sleep

well …… with me in your thoughts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So, there you have it. What do you think?

Was I being selfish worrying about Jeff?

Did those people in the refugee camps really need him

more than I did?


I’m not made of
Marble or stone.
I’m made of warm
And loving flesh,
And I long to embrace you
And let the warmth
Of my being
Flow through you,
And make you glad
That you’re not
Made of marble or stone,
But of warm and loving flesh.



Your words make my heart begin to throb.
Words sweetened with honey.
You make my body boil, overflowing with desire.
You tantalize me with your soft lips, as you
Search out my tongue with yours, leaving me
Breathless with your deep wet kisses.

My body is yearning with passion as you

Caress my skin gently,
Exploring every inch of me,
Wanting to please my every need.
As I look into your eyes, I see
That seductive look and feel love’s
Passion burning within you.

Enticing you with my lips,

I explore your naked body
Making you sway with desire.
I hear you moan in pure delight.
With my finger tips as light as a feather
I caress your skin and
I feel your body tremble under my touch.

Through out the night we whispered

Our love for one another as
Our bodies move in perfect rhythm,
And we explored the fire within us
As we melt away into ecstasy.
As morning approached we drift off to
Sleep wrapped in one another’s arms
As satisfied lover ………

It’s been nearly two months since our affair started - or more
accurately since Jeff and I started corresponding.

It still feels like a dream ….. but with everything that’s

happened, I have got to believe this is true.

And I no longer feel ashamed about going out with a young

man. Is there an age limit to love? To me, there is not - neither to
him as he had assured me many times.

So when I went to check my emails on October 6, I was

resigned to the fact that Jeff was ‘my man’.


Here is what he had written:

Sorry, my LOVE ….. but it’s been a HECTIC day ….. but
I don’t want to ruin the moment as I want you to watch
the SHOW today …..

But simply put, we flew to the headquarters of the

Janjaweed Arab Militia and didn’t even get past the
airport …. we were turned back despite the fact that we
had all the necessary paperwork …. the reason: you’ll
just have to watch the SHOW …..

Otherwise, I’m fine and back in El Fasher and will be

LIVE around 5.27 a.m. (my time) and again just before
the SHOW ends in the following hour …..

I MISS you and LOVE you very much and hope you had
a GREAT day …..


PS. Imagining you ‘SHAVED’, I’m thinking some VERY
DIRTY thoughts ……….. it’s called ‘Brazilian wax’ -

‘SHAVED’? ….. I liked that. It made me realize that Jeff

hadn’t lost his humanity. Even being in a place like that, he was still
a man …….

And to keep him going, I wrote back immediately:

So it seems, I am just lucky because I felt asleep - but

now I am awake and it is 4:50 a.m. your time - that
means I will not be missing your LIVE …

Coming back to the other subject raised: thanks for the

advice on the ‘Brazilian wax procedure’ - I will do my
best ….. and I am glad you had some ‘dirty’ thoughts ….

Sorry, that I do not sound very serious considering

where you are right now - but I wanted you to smile ….



Okay, I know you are scratching your head, wondering what

the hell a Brazilian wax procedure is. Let me give you a clue.

There are things that even a woman like me can’t handle

without blushing. And this is one of them. Got the idea? Thank

Now …… here is what Jeff wrote after my acceptance of

his Brazilian wax idea:

Hope you had some sleep …… we are just getting ready
now for the program ….. one more SHOW and then we
can get some rest ….. there will be NO AC360
tomorrow …..

But we’ll be working on other stories (and Oprah

Winfrey has requested me to do a special report for her
from Darfur).

Also this weekend, on Inside Africa the whole SHOW

is out of Darfur ….

So if you think you have had ENOUGH of me - think

again ………

I LOVE YOU ….. and ‘see you’ on TV in a few



PS. ‘wax’ is GREAT ….. you will LOVE it ….. I have

this feeling!!!!!!!!!!!! And then I can be your
FIRST in this ‘new phase’


Forgive me for asking, but where was Jeff getting the

time and the sense to focus on a wax and a new phase?

If it was your man who showed such dedication to you,

wouldn’t you feel great?

Well, that’s exactly how I felt.

And so when I wrote back, I spurred him on, set him a

path to further fantasy.

Here is how I did it:

…… No way - I will never have ‘enough’ of you …..

Good luck for your SHOW and ‘see’ you on TV - and

then go to sleep. You must be exhausted.

And when you are feeling better and in the mood, tell
me more ….. about making love and your fantasies.

I will then most probably join you again ……

I took Jeff an hour to write back…. and by then, it was

obvious that the LIVE wasn’t going to be …….

When Jeff wrote, he confirmed my fears that there had

been a problem:

Well, they played the story and we had PROBLEMS with

the TRANSMISSION - so the LIVE was ‘killed’ …. what
happens with LIVE TV ….. we call it ‘Murphy’s Law’ ….
What can go wrong, will go wrong !!!!!!!!!!

Hope you enjoyed at least the story ……..

Tomorrow is another day …….. I’m off to sleep in a

couple of minutes …… ‘Showbiz’ is getting a little
TIRING !!!!!!!!!

Thinking of ME in YOU as I go to dreamland !!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And the same evening he wrote to me a very alarming letter
– what a shocker - an arrest? All my alarm bells starting
ringing ……….. just listen to this:

Time to leave ………… I think our reports are getting to

these PEOPLE…….

We got arrested this afternoon just as we were doing

some stuff for INSIDE AFRICA ……. as usual they wanted
to see our paperwork (which we produced) and they still
drove us to the Central Police Station …… BASTARDS …..
and kept us for two hours until right before IFTA (the
breaking of the fast) and then they let us go ……..

You can just imagine how PISSED-OFF I was …..

FUCKING FASCISTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m so pissed-off but I realize that’s what they want ….

and our stories are being seen around the world and
that’s beginning to bother them ….. it’s going to be
interesting when we try to leave the country Saturday
night / Sunday morning …..

Maybe, they’ll be ONLY too happy to see us GO !!!!!!!

What a FUCKING DAY …….. sometimes I just wish there

weren’t days like this ……… but hey, the GOOD
balances out the BAD !!!!!!!!!

How was your day, my LOVE ?????????????? Hope it

was better than mine !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love YOU,

I replied immediately:

……… I am scared to death …… luckily Sue is here with

me and can comfort me. I am so worried for you and
hope that you will be able to leave the country without
more problems.

Of course, they are nervous because your reports

created a lot of attention around the world. Especially
the one about the raping etc.

Please be careful……..



Rape. Rape. Rape. - How I am hating that word…….

I am aware that many military organizations around the

globe have used forced sex as a tool of terror and inflicted

But fact is that no man can be allowed to force himself

into any woman. Period. Because for the raped woman, the
scars are life-long.

Is it any wonder that the conquered communities just

wait until they are strong enough to exact revenge to do it
…. and the deadly cycle of violence continues?

But I digress…..


Here is what Jeff wrote back to say:

Thanks, my LOVE ………. I’ll be fine …… believe me….. I

have been in worse situations before ………..

I’ll be fine !!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell Sue I said Hi …….


If you are wondering who Sue is - she is one of my best

friends and had been sometimes with me when Jeff called….

She grew up in Zambia and part of her family still lives there.
It’s that African connection that made us become friends and kept us
like that. So when I wrote back, I also passed greetings from her.

Here is what I said:

…….. this does not make me more relaxed telling me

about ‘worse’ situations in the past ….. this was past,
my Love - now you belong to me or at least that’s how I
feel ….. so don’t try to calm me down. I am worried -
full stop……..

I love you too much to just sit back and ‘relax’ ….. let
me be worried for you ……

And ‘hello’ from Sue too …..


He replied instantly:

Good night, my ANGEL …… and thanks for caring …..

Listen, I’m off to bed as we have a LONG day tomorrow
starting at 6 a.m. (not the Cooper Show) but doing
stuff for INSIDE AFRICA …….. I hope you’ll be watching
tomorrow evening ………

We hope to be back in Khartoum sometime in the

afternoon …….. I’ll be in touch then …….

Kiss Kiss, my SWEET …….. have a glass of wine for me

…… and enjoy the rest of the evening.



In the dark …………
Your breath comes heavy ……
And you sigh……...
In the dark ………..
You reach for me.
In the dark ………..
Your touch sets
My every nerve on fire.
In the dark ………..
My breathing comes heavy …..
And I sigh…..
In the dark …………
We find the light
In each other’s arms.



When you hold me close you calm my
When you hold my hand tight in yours
You chase away all my tears.
You reach for a star from high above
And gently
Place in the palm of my hand.
You have given me a precious treasure
The gift of holding your heart and no
Longer do I feel the fears of within.
As you softly sing to me a soothing
I slowly drift off to sleep in your
Loving arms.

When I did not hear from Jeff the following day, I called him
on his cell phone. Although he had given me this number once, I
had never called him before. This was the first time.

He picked up but told me that he could not speak right now ….

That worried me to death. Was he under arrest again? Or had he
even been kidnapped?

But then an hour later he wrote - and all my worries

were gone:

Sorry, my Darling ….. I was actually on the phone …. on

LIVE Television in Normandy at this AWARD ceremony
….. they were announcing that I just won TWO awards
award …….

You are the FIRST to know now ….. even before my


I’ll call you shortly ….. sorry I couldn’t call earlier …. We

got in at about the time the Inside Africa was


I was excited about the news from France, but before I

could write to tell him how I felt - he called.

He was again the usual Jeff - obviously very happy –

and immediately brought up his favorite pet subject -
MAKING LOVE…… IF and WHEN and especially HOW….

Before finishing our conversation, he then told me -

quite casually - that he would take some days off and
therefore may not call or write for a while.

Depressed about the way he had told me this, I wrote
to him:

….. maybe we should take a little bit distance - let’s

carry on with our own life.

Like you said, you take some days off and will call me
‘some time’ next week.

That’s also a hint for me that you feel the same: ‘too
close - to fast’ …….

I love you - that’s a fact. I want you - that’s another


But let’s wait a few days and then decide how and if we


My letter got to him. I knew it did because he wrote to

me from the Khartoum Airport and he sounded a little …..

Here is what he said:

Sitting at the lounge at Khartoum Airport …. it’s 2:30 a.m.

my time …. We’ve checked in all our 16 pieces of luggage
and we’re finally in the Business Class Lounge …. Our
flight leaves (as you know) at 3:35 a.m.

As usual, you’re JUMPING to conclusions …. but then

again, that’s just you …. I can’t really PUSH that part of
you …. until you’re ready to TRUST !!!!!!!!!!!

It’s been a GREAT week …. someone in my position
COULDN’T have asked for a BETTER week ….

I ask that you are HAPPY for me …. and celebrate with

me (I wish we could do it physically) … have a glass of
wine for me …. and I’ll TOAST you too ….. and even
have a cigar on you …..

Think GOOD thoughts, MY SWEET ……….

WE shall MEET ….. and SOON ….. so if you’re the ONE

that’s NOT ready, then tell me ……..

I missed your voice this week ……… and was HAPPY to

chat with you if but for a few minutes …….


Realizing that my last letter obviously had hurt him, I


No more worries ….. I have thought about our

yesterday’s phone conversation and our following emails
and have come to the following conclusions:

It was wrong for me to panic or as you called it to react

‘paranoid’. From now onwards I will continue enjoying
communicating verbally and in writing with you as we did
during last few weeks - sometimes on serious issues,
sometimes just an ‘trivial’ love-making matters ….

The latter of course bringing more fun that the first -

but making the first even more valuable. I have also
decided to see if we can make the up to now ‘dreaming’
love-making a reality …. so be beware of this fact, too.

Only in putting together all the above three ‘issues, I will
get to know the real and complex JK – and that’s what I
have in mind to do ……….

In short: no more worries ….. only pleasures …. at least

as far as I am concerned. Can we agree on this?

Are you willing (and able) to go on this ‘road of

discovery’ together with me?


His immediate reply:

……… DEAL ………YOU and ME …..…… TOGETHER ….....




I want to get lost in you,
Get lost to your touch,
Your feel, your charms.

I want to fall asleep beside you,

Wrapped in the warmth of your arms.

I want to know you as I’ve known no other.

I want to love you as I’ve never loved.

I want to move you and be moved by you,

Bodies and souls ungloved……….



Only you could arouse my inner passions,
To the limit of the sky, and further Beyond.

This hunger for your sensuous touch,

Completely devours my deepest desires.
I cry out your name each restless night.

For I long to be with you, my Love.

How I yearn for your sensuous lips
To tenderly be placed upon mine.
As it ravishes my soul far beyond words.

Tonight I shall reveal my hidden confession,

That when it comes to you, my Love,
I have these uncontrollable obsessions.
Although Jeff had warned me that he would take some days
off and had sounded like it was an immediate thing, he actually left
only two days later.

But on Tuesday, October 10, he went back to the Office since

he had to work on the script for the OPRAH SPECIAL and to check
on my DHL package with the Barbra Streisand CD and mainly the
special photo…..

When he got the package, he called immdiately.

He sounded all excited when he confirmed that he had just

received everything.

I told him that I had spoken with my daughter about him,

about us and that she told me ‘Mami, just enjoy him - don’t think
too much - he seems to be a nice man……so stop worrying”.

After this he then wrote:

What a LOVELY picture ….. so tasteful, so beautiful, so

seductive ….. so INVITING !!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT ….. and feel CLOSER to you now more than

ever …….

Thanks also for the Barbra Streisand CD …. I shall

cherish it FOREVER !!!!!!!!!!!

I just got back into the office this morning and busy
tidying up and doing expenses and trying to work on a
story I did for OPRAH WINFREY …..

I missed you ALL OF YESTERDAY, thought of YOU a

lot ….. thought of the picture ….. and how it would be ….
and I’m so HAPPY and so LOOKING forward to
EXPLORING the rest of that ‘carefully’ hidden BODY !!!!

Your DAUGHTER is wise BEYOND her YEARS ….. and
for once you should take her advice and ENJOY life and
ENJOY ME ….. and US …..

I’m pleasantly surprised you share such intimate secrets

with her …..does she tell you about affairs she has while
her husband is ‘away’???? I am sure she does as it’s
ONLY human …. and tempting and lonely OUT

Have a GREAT day, my LOVE, and keep SMILING ….

…….as I am looking at your BEAUTIFUL image !!!!!!!!!!!!


Although as I said earlier, I was still struggling with self-doubts

- and who wouldn’t when you meet one of Africa’s most recognizable
faces and he says he is in love with you?

But encouraged by his attitude toward my picture and the

Barbra Streisand CD, I wrote:

So finally you got it and I am ‘pleased’ you love it. I

missed you too - as I always do.

My daughter - to whom I spoke again yesterday evening

- could not stop giggling about us. I had to read to her
some of our mails since she told me that it is better I do
otherwise she would start to imagine what we have
written to each other and that could turn out even ‘worse’
than the reality ….. (but don’t worry, I still left out some
very private details - although she protested since she
realized that there was ‘something’ missing ….)
Now I let you continue working …. I am also on the
German translation which I have to finish as soon as

possible since Frederik wants to pass it to his Publisher.
He comes back to Switzerland at the end of the month
and as agreed, I will also ask him to do your ‘handwriting
expertise’ …. let’s see which advice he will give me …..

Have a good day ….


Minutes later he called and asked if I had decided to

meet him in London during the forthcoming CNN Conference.

“Can you make it?” he asked.

I replied, “Maybe ….. but just for one night.”

- One - ?????

There was silence on his side for more than two

minutes and then – with a faint voice – he said, “If this is all
you want …………”

What did he mean by that?

I wanted him to protest, to show me that he wanted

me there longer, wanted to be with me for more than just
one night.

But he didn’t catch the cue, so I wrote to drop another


……. No protest? I thought you would be protesting

when I said, “I come to London but just for one night ….
or would you ‘survive’ another night?”

He shot back immediately:

…… speak for yourself ……..

It seems like you’d made up your mind ALREADY about
this ONE NIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So WHO am I to PROTEST ?????????

Besides, I KNOW I can SURVIVE ….. but can YOU ????

I realized that he had taken this whole thing very

serious – too serious – and I had to smooth him down a bit.

So I wrote:

No - actually I was teasing you a bit and I liked it….

My real intention was to tell you - and this is now

serious - that I want to combine the trip to London with

And I am also planning to meet Troon in London.

So I will also be busy like you during the day.

But then there are always the nights …. as you once said.

So - coming to the conclusion - if there is the

possibility to spend more time with you, just tell me.

Since I have decided ‘to take the risk’, I am not planning

to let you go that fast. But I only can talk about me.
What about you ???


He must have been waiting for my reply, because only
one minute passed until I could read his reaction to this:

I will only know about the LONDON meetings for sure in

a week’s time ………

And YES, the NIGHTS are ALL YOURS ……

As soon as I find out, we can ‘make a plan’ !!!!!!!!!!!!

Can YOU handle it ????????????????

‘Handle it’ ? - he must be joking ……. so I replied:

….. of course …. I am already making certain plans -

details of which could be discussed beforehand for your
‘approval’ and you could also let me know yours ……….

So let’s start going into this ‘adventure of discovering

each other’…..

Since we do not have much time, we should already start

– at least in our fantasy. I am doing this since some days
(and nights) and must say ‘not bad’ ………

But there are also many things you do not know about
me yet and I hope there will be many things we have to
discover about each other in the future. And this does
not only refer to the subject ‘how and if and when to
make love with each other…’

I am intending to get to know ‘all’ of you …. I hope, this

does not scare you???

And most important: what do you think about that

‘special’ photo of mine ????? Are you too shocked and
without words???

His reply:

……… as for TEASING me, you can do that anytime …. I

just get a little ‘defensive’ …. but that’s just me !!!!!!!!

Did you send Sassa a copy of my book? I remember you

said she wanted to read it …… it’s so good to know you
have such a WONDERFUL relationship with her …..

You are a LUCKY woman, MJB …. you should THANK

GOD every day for her !!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I don’t know EVERYTHING about you ….. but I

intend to ….. EVENTUALLY ….. POLE POLE !!!!!!!!!!

I AM ‘FANTASIZING’ on your PHOTO as I write this ….

can’t wait to TOUCH, FEEL, LICK and DEVOUR the
REAL THING !!!!!!!!!!!!!


Is that what having been in a war zone does to a man?

Maybe all of you military wives then need to send your men
to some hot spot and wait for them with everything you got
when they come back …..

And then his admission that having affairs is ONLY

human …. because it is tempting and lonely OUT THERE……

I could have even agreed on that ….. but he was now

back in Johannesburg and together with his wife ……

So why was he still thinking about me, longing to be

with me, dreaming of making love to me ???????

But I’m getting ahead of myself because I’ve still got to
see how things turn out, right?


To spur him on, I then wrote:

…. So now I have to be ‘careful’ with you – being

‘defensive’ ? Not with me - as I said - I have realized
that already.

When I mentioned the ‘one night only’, there was a

moment of silence on your side and your voice had
changed when you replied – a bit low and a bit
disappointed, but you did not want to show it ….. but
that’s you …. and I understand.

And it also shows me the sensitive and tender side of you

– and I love you also or especially for that. I have
learned a lot about you when watching the ‘show’ from
Darfur and that was also the reason why my daughter
finally ‘approved’ you.

So to the three awards you got during the last week, you
can add another one ….

I miss you – and looking at your photo here in front of

me – even more.

When he replied to this letter, he attached a photo of

the Prix Bayeux Award Ceremony….:

…. Here’s what I was doing when you called me on

Saturday night in Khartoum…

I was on the phone with the folks in Normandy and they
had my picture on the stage ……

Yet another photo for YOU to FANTASIZE with ….

Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL.


‘Kiss Kiss’ ? …. How sweet - here is my reply:

Thanks - I am also sending it to my daughter since she

has become a ‘fan’ of yours.

I am very proud of you and proud that I ‘caught’ you

although I still wonder how and how fast and how strong
and how much I have fallen in love with you.

Do you have an explanation?


Here’s his immediate reply:

….. explanation is very SIMPLE ….. it’s called

CHEMISTRY …. and it’s MUTUAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU, my SWEET !!!!!!!!!!!



‘Chemistry’ ? Wasn’t it exciting being in love with a
young man?

All the men I dated in the past never talked about

‘chemistry’ ……. that word hadn’t been invented yet …. at
least not as a romantic jargon.

Excited about London, the nights I would spend in

Jeff’s arms, the feeling of being renewed by the power of
young love, I said ….

This is crazy ….. I have realized that we have gone back

to spending most of our time on the computer writing to
each other. Are you sure, you are working seriously
besides that?

I see you ‘jumping’ - so relax, I am just teasing you……

I love discussing with you and I know you are smiling

now like I do. It gives me a good feeling to know you are
there ‘on the other end’. But to be honest, I want to
touch you, feel you more than ever ……

And now I think I better go swimming. The water is very

cold now and only some Scandinavians and Dutch living
here are crazy to go into the pool besides me.

But it helps ….. at least for a while until I start again

looking at your photo ….. and that’s the end of all serious


And Jeff:

Have a GREAT swim ….. and think of ME making love

to you in the POOL …………..WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m off home now ….. the script has been APPROVED by
OPRAH and we’ll start editing in the morning …..

I LOVE and MISS you MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It would have been nice to let his words play on till the
next day, but a woman had to have the last word, right?

So I shot off one last letter:

……. Too cold right now - and it is a public one …. I

don’t like people watching - and envying me, for sure….

Have a nice evening and until tomorrow - I hope.


But I had been wrong – the last word was his….

Because after having seen my email, he called:

‘that’s typical Marianne – not one bit romantic…..

but tell me, did you ever make love in a pool ? So
you just wait and see - I can assure you, it will
be magic………’

And with these words, this ‘crazy’ October 10th finally

came to an end…..

But just read the next chapters because the craziness

also continued the following days…..

I can see you, my Love:

You arrive with wind swept hair

And whisper softly against my pillow.

With a touch, you bring the summer heat to my heart

And a garden full of lush red roses.
The taste and feel of you is delicious,
And I feast on your closeness,
While fire sizzles along my every nerve.

As the stars burn in a black velvet sky, I’m lost to you

And the familiar and magnificent tug of desire
That only you can inspire ………………



When the days are cold and lonely
And the nights are hard to bear,
Look inside your heart:
I’ll be there ………

When your life is going no where

And you think that no one cares,
Look inside your heart:
I’ll be there ………

When you think that no one needs you

And your love is hard to share,
Look inside your heart:
I’ll be there ………

When you wish that I were with you

And no feelings do compare,
Look inside your heart:
I’ll be there ……...
Early in the morning on this October 11, I wrote:

I hope you had a relaxing evening and good sleep – I got

up very early and have continued working on the German
Edition of the Shining Star.

I had a long conversation with Frederik yesterday and he

suggested I should write it as an autobiography using all
correct names instead of fictional ones like in the English
version. This would make the whole story much stronger.
What do you think?

Of course, it is more ‘risky’ but seeing how the political

scene in Kenya is developing (Moi making again
agreements with Biwott against Uhuru and maybe we are
ending up with Biwott being a presidential candidate even
sponsored by Moi, Gideon etc.) I am even tempted to
re-write the English version again based on the much
stronger German one.

I found out - actually from the first moment you and I

got into contact with each other - that you are inspiring
me and have also given me more assurance about this
whole issue.

And even dreaming about you and us, started to make

my thinking creative and my fantasies alive. I have
started to remember things which I had chosen to forget
- private details about the ‘the men in my life’ which all
of the sudden are not hurting that much anymore.

I just look at your photo in front of me and I know that

everything is again in place - that I can talk and write to
someone who understands.

Therefore - and that’s the reason for this mail - thanks
for being there with me ……


I did not expect to receive a reply soon. He had just

come back from his tiring trip to Darfur and maybe did not
go to the office that regularly because he wanted to spend
some time with his wife - something a ‘normal’ man and
husband would do I thought ……. at least that’s what I
would have expected from him if I was his wife ……

So much to my big surprise, he wrote back almost

instantly and replied to all questions raised in my last letter
- but read for yourself:

Good morning …..I slept like a ‘baby’ …. thinking GOOD

thoughts of YOU …..

By the way, what’s the translation of the book you were

reading when the photo was taken ??????

I am busy putting ‘OPRAH’s STORY’ together …. it’s

going to be one of those where people will OPENLY
weep …. this one is STRONG !!!!!!!!

I agree with Frederik about using REAL names …. the

English one would have been more effective with REAL
names as well but I know you have to be

Besides, you’ve already PISSED-OFF Number ONE and

many others by the close resemblance to names etc. –
why do you want to PISS them off even more ?????? Or
do you just like TROUBLE ????

I always meant to ask you ….. doesn’t it bother you that
the man you had a long and strong relationship with is
the same man you are now writing about ???????

I’d better be CAREFUL, I don’t PISS YOU OFF …..

Goodness knows what you’ll do ??????????

You know what they say ….. “Hell Hath No Fury Like A
Woman Scorned” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t worry, I don’t plan to do anything to HURT you…

you mean too much to me ….. by your words, your
deeds, your TRUST, your demeanor !!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m still waiting to hear from Atlanta about the LONDOM

trip …. as soon as I know, you’ll know …………

Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL


Do I like trouble?????

And what about that proverb he used ‘Hell Hath No Fury

Like A Woman Scorned????????

This man is definitely becoming a serious issue ………

Don’t you agree with me ?????????

But since I had to answer Jeff’s questions, here is what

I said:

….. regarding your questions: my book is not a ‘revenge’

at all on Moi as Biwott has put it already when talking
about me to the Committee.

There are two subjects: one is my private relationship
with Daniel arap Moi - at that time a very caring man
and a quite good lover too (I am honest as you know) ….
but after I left and especially after the attempted military
coup in 1982 everything changed.

I did not know how much until I started to have the

problems with Biwott, the corruption and finally Dr.
Ouko’s killing. I had avoided seeing Moi during this time
and therefore did not know how much he had changed.

Dr. Ouko made some hints sometimes in telling me “you

should have continued with him, maybe things would be
different now – you would have been ‘perfect’ for him, if
only he would not have been so stupid to let you go” ….

But I had chosen the ‘easy’ way ….. doing business or at

least trying to do and having again an affair with Dr.
Mungai ….

Does not make sense - I know - so give up to

understand. Women are sometimes not very rational.

But if you read A Shining Star carefully, you will see

that my feelings for him had been and in a certain way
are still strong. At least they enable me to remember
also the good things we had together ….


And attached to this I repeated a ‘love-email’ which I

had already sent to him while he was in Darfur ….

Why? I wanted to jog his memory - this is how it read:

…. I can feel your hands and your mouth already now
just thinking about you and I know that you will give me
unbelievable pleasure.

When I am sleeping, these feelings of excitement

become even much stronger. I can already feel you in
me, moving in me, touching me, kissing me. I can see
the excited expression on your face, the happiness of
fulfillment in your eyes.

And I do not want to wake up in the morning just to

realize that it was only a dream and I am still here alone
and without you. So sometimes I just close my eyes
hoping that I can fall asleep again ….. and in my dreams
you come back to me.

So you see, my expectations are high …. are you ready

to fulfill them …. one by one and uncountable times ????

I need you very much …. but not ‘only’ the lover …. Also
the man I got to know a little bit better during these last
days (and nights) watching you doing your job in such a
serious and responsible way.

…… now you can decide what to do: either blush or

smile - or both……


This time it aroused him. Listen to him opine:

For the first time in a long time, I’m at a LOSS for

WORDS ……. and very HARD as we speak ……..

I’ll have to sit at my Desk for a while before ‘COOLING’

off ….. you have made me very HAPPY …..



And my short reply to this:

I am glad I GOT YOU - AT LAST ………

Later that same day he wrote again:

….. tell me something ….. actually you don’t have to ….

it’s totally up to you …. but I’ve been curious for a while
now ……..

Did you and Dr. Bob have an AFFAIR ??????? I know,

you did business with him and he with you …. But, I’m
just curious ….. nothing more ??????????

Again, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.


Although I was at first shocked and also a bit angry

over this question, I decided that it was better to ‘stay cool’.

Because there had always been rumors about me and

Dr. Ouko - most of them distributed by Nicholas Biwott - I
thought that by replying to Jeff, this would be a perfect
opportunity for me to put things straight once and for all.

Here is what I wrote to Jeff:

No – we were really good friends - and I was also very

close to his wife and his children.

He also never ever tried - there was a mutual feeling for

each other. But as I said before, it also included his wife

and children. I cherished their friendship and love a lot -
their home in Loresho was for me a kind of ‘safe haven’
where I relaxed in a very loving atmosphere. He was
very much in love with his wife and adored his children.

Our relationship was more on the ‘intellectual’ basis. He

could talk with me about things and people he would not
have spoken about even with his wife. He was a very
traditional African - like Moi - but with me he made an
exception not to see the woman but a person he could

I was very proud of that and would have never ‘spoilt’

that in starting a love affair with him - and he felt the
same. He anyway knew that I was still seeing Dr. Mungai
whom he liked and respected very much …..

Besides, Mrs. Ouko has just confirmed this also in front

of the Sunguh Committee where she told them that I
have been like a part of her own family - a very close
and trusted friend of her and her husband ….

I think, there is nothing to add ……..


Jeff’s response was swift:


I was just curious ….. you don’t have to be so

DEFENSIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s ok ………….

I STILL LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I replied:

What does this mean: I ‘still’ love you …..??????

But no problem, I have nothing to hide from you and I

also do not intend to hide anything in the future. You
know already too much about me that I could step back
now ….. are you now happy????????

When Jeff did not react to this letter, I guessed he felt

like walking on ‘eggs’ ……. and strangely, I felt relieved that
he dropped that subject.

When he wrote nearly four hours later via his

BlackBerry since he was already on his way home, he
completely changed the subject.

Just listen to this …..

I was listening to Barbra and Celine in the car on the way

home and it was simply BEAUTIFUL ….. thank you so
much !!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have a song for YOU / US …… it’s by an American

singer, Joshua Kadison and it’s called ‘Beautiful in my
eyes’ ….. I shall get it for you and mail it …… I think you
will like it ….. in fact, I know you will like it !!!!!!!!!!!

Have a pleasant evening and DREAM of US !!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL ………


Talk of cunning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that’s how this October 11th ended ….


But wait until you read about the following days ……

and you will for sure start asking yourself the same question
I did many times before:

Does this man ever work seriously ????????????

But just decide for yourself …….


I didn’t want to love you,
But your light penetrated all the barriers I erected
And reached deep inside my heart to set my world aglow.
You inspired bliss like I’d never known
And made me hear the music again.

I didn’t want to need you,

But after I saw your face,
I’ve never stopped thinking about you,
And I crave your nearness, yearn to wrap you in my arms
And press your body close to mine.

I didn’t want to desire you,

Yet I hunger for you like the springtime
Blossom hungers for sunshine.
I need your touch, and I want to make love to you
Slowly and passionately before the fire.
Only my fantasies of you, wonderfully hot,
Yet silky and soft, sustain me ……



The winds blow gently on my mind

Reminding me of you;
I smile …… I close my eyes
Knowing dreams do come true.

I see you there in the center of my heart

I stand in your warm embrace;
I see the love in your eyes
I gently caress your face.

Memories are a precious gift

We have shared the old,
we will make the new;
I hold you close, though we are miles apart….
My best memories were made with you.

The following day- October 12th - will have to go
down as the day Jeff and I started fighting for the first

That breezy morning, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. because I

heard the phone ring and when looking at the ID realized
that it was Jeff calling via his private cell-phone .... and that
he was in an extremely bad mood ………

Without any polite preliminaries, he started his


“Tell me everything about the men you have

dated, especially the ones in Kenya …. I want to
know every detail.

After we spoke yesterday, I could not sleep a wig

last night just thinking what you might be hiding
from me.

Talk to me …….”

Listening to his voice, I was slowly becoming more and

more angry …..’the men in my life?’ - what did he mean with
that and which right did he even have to ask such a

Was this the same sweet man of the last days who was
now accusing me of all kinds of things?

Why should I even feel responsible if he could not


What about his wife?

Why did he have to pester me like that?

So without saying one word, I hung up on him ….

But he did not give up and the ‘game’ continued for the
next 30 minutes and 6 more phone calls – all starting with
his question: “

“You said, you would not hide anything from me -

so what are you afraid of now that you cannot tell

Finally, I had enough and after having told him again

to stop this, I decided it was better to go to the pool and
enjoy a swim.

He must have continued calling and when he realized

that I was not replying anymore, he got ‘pissed’ and wrote
his first scathing letter to me:

Grown woman acting like CHILD !!!!!!!!!!!!!

What seems to be your PROBLEM ????????? I can’t ask

even ANY question NOW ????????

Don’t forget, I am first and foremost a JOURNALIST

and I ask a lot of QUESTIONS …… you don’t have to get
so SENSITIVE !!!!!!!

You need to RELAX and take a DEEP breath because

you’re FIGHTING the WRONG MAN here ….

I’m asking because I CARE !!!!!!!!

I don’t want to FIGHT ….. and I don’t want to ARGUE ….

If you don’t want me to find out about you, just say
so….. and I WON’T ASK any more questions !!!!!!

The reason I ask these questions is because I’ve FALLEN
IN LOVE with this AMAZING woman who shares the
same things in LIFE as I do …..

We’ve learned to laugh TOGETHER, talk TOGETHER,

MAKE LOVE (over the phone) TOGETHER and most of
all TRUST each other ….. TOGETHER !!!!!!!!!

Don’t MESS it up by being PARANOID and second

guessing my intentions …. That will PISS ME OFF !!!!!!

I tried to call you but maybe NOW you DON’T even

want to take my calls !!!!!!!!!!!????????????

Come on, Marianne ….. let’s behave as ADULTS ….

Because sometimes I just don’t have the patience to try
and find out what you REALLY mean !!!!!!!!!!!!



Okay - had I been wrong for being mad at his

questions regarding my past?

I just didn’t understand what they had to do with him

and I.

And having been betrayed by too many people, I didn’t

trust anybody who had the temerity to dig into my past.

That’s why I was so angry and in a certain way also


But I decided that I had to move on and wrote to him in

reply to his letter.

Here is what I told him:

Just one small correction: you say we have made love

over the phone ….

As far as I remember, that was discussed but never put

into reality …. because I stopped you already in your first
sentence “Take the phone into your left hand and

I made love to you ‘with words’ in writing – but never

over the phone ….. this topic is still ‘open’….

And regarding questioning me, you can ask me whatever

you want ….. and I will reply whatever I want ….

Deal ???????

He replied immediately via his BlackBerry:

I stand corrected …. you are right ….. ‘in words’ only ….


And YES ….. DEAL ….

I LOVE YOU, Marianne.


Let me be honest, I felt a little bit guilty after thinking

things through.

It seemed Jeff was not out to dig into my past for

malicious reasons, on the contrary.

He did it because he was in love with me - at least
that’s how he explained it and I had no reason not to believe
him (not at that time at least)….

And so, here is how I apologized to him:


Yes, I preferred to go to the pool - cooling down a bit -

and to be honest - and here you are right - I was
fearing you would call again and I did not want to start
another discussion.

Deep in my heart I hoped you would reply like this - but

it is very difficult for me to accept your and my feelings -
sometimes I think, I am wrong to feel so much about
you and I try to put my life together again.

Although you may find it ‘boring’, but I have a kind of

social life too. Member in the American and German
Club, Board Member of the Foreign Residents
Association, some Animal Rescue Organizations and
Wildlife Protection etc. – Boring for you, but fun for me
since it is so different from the life I was leading before.

And now you have come into this - and that’s what is
scaring me.

Did you not listen to the words of the song of Barbra

Streisand and Celine Dion which I have sent you “Tell
him” ….

I miss you very much.


Jeff’s reply was swift:

You missed your chance to TALK to me when you

STUBBORNLY decided to go SWIMMING when you
KNEW deep down inside that I would call again …..

As for the OPRAH STORY, we already sent it to Chicago

yesterday and they have the EXCLUSIVE first look ….
the air date is Oct. 23rrd in the States … no idea when it
will AIR in the rest of the World ….. you’ll have to
‘watch-out’ for it …. and believe me, it’s WELL

Regarding the SONG for us - I’m still not sure again,

PATIENCE is a VIRTUE ….. GERMAN romantic or

You see, you can be really ‘SPOILT’ when you want to

be ….. except with ME !!!!!!!!!!!


I replied:

…. Are you trying to teach me some lessons????? How

to ‘behave’ with you - otherwise….. ?????

I know, patience is not my strongest point - but I

promise, I will try to be with you …. at least
sometimes… not always …


Jeff’s immediate reply:

Lesson ONE !!!!!!!!!!! - You are learning FAST ……

After shooting off that letter to me, he picked also up
the phone and called.

And just like I feared, he started again going into the

same intimate questions.

What was I to do? Thinking on the spot, I told him

that I found it easier to talk about my past men in writing ….
not over the phone.

“I will answer your questions in writing - Deal ?”

“Deal - I am expecting your letter”, he said.

A couple of minutes after the phone call, I sat down to

answer Jeff’s questions.

By reading my answers, you will be able to tell what

the questions were, okay?

I know you are most curious about Moi - he was a

surprisingly good lover …. but very shy …. and romantic…

Mungai was totally different. He liked everything and

wanted everything. He was very possessive too ….

You remind me a lot of him - I think, I said this already

before ….. you Kiambu-Kikuyus ….

I remember a situation when we stayed together in a

Hotel near Mombasa. We got the best room but he did
not like the two beds in it - so the Manager had to
arrange a big king-size bed instead and we found the
personnel changing the beds when we came back from

You should have seen me blushing …. and him just

laughing …. Especially about the expression on my face …

So much to this ‘chapter’ - any more questions?????


After 2 minutes I got his reply via his BlackBerry:

I don’t know if I like that comparison with Mungai - but

hey, maybe you’ll change your mind once we meet and
get to know each other more and touch each other more
(both UPPER and LOWER body) and make LOVE and
on and on and on !!!!!!!!

Moi really comes across as an ‘Angel’ in your description.

And a GOOD LOVER on top of that ??????

Rumors circulating around Nairobi when I was growing up

is that he was WELL HUNG ?????? WELL ENDORSED ??
In other words, BIG or is it HUGE ?????? TRUE ??????
False ??????

Now that you’re opening up, you might as well keep

going on ….

Talk to me ….


Now …… wasn’t this bullshit ?

Why was Jeff suddenly talking like that ? Into which

direction was he trying to guide me?

But if that messy email was anything to go by, I didn’t

want to hang up on him again, so I wrote back, minimizing
my comments about my past.

No intimate stuff please ….. you will never get me to give
a ‘description’ - and that should make you also feel
‘safe’, I guess.

I love you and that includes your mind AND body.

The mind I have a little bit discovered during the last

weeks - the body is still to be discovered and that will
be very exciting.

So please relax - you will be the No. 1 Kiambu-Kikuyu

for me - I am very sure of that …..


He only replied to this the following day and I was glad

he dropped the crap about Moi and Mungai.

But let me not preempt his letter. Here it is ….

There’s so much I want to do with you, to you, on you,

IN YOU !!!!!!!!!

It’s UNBELIEVABLE this feeling we both SHARE !!!!!!

I can’t wait until we MEET ….. and don’t WORRY, it

WILL happen – sooner rather than later !!!!!!!

I miss you so much, my SWEET Princess !!!!!!!!


He then also called and informed me that he might have
to go to the Congo for the Presidential Elections and
therefore may not be able to meet me in London…..

At the end of this call, he then continued with his

favorite subject and going into some very intimate details
including to make at least love over the phone to ‘bridge’
the time and to end his ‘sleepless’ nights just dreaming
about it……..

When you read my reply, you will know what he was

talking about:

You asked me about kissing and entering me with the

mouth and I told you what I felt about it ….. -

The truth is that none of ‘my’ African men – and really

none – has ever asked to do this or has even hinted to do

This is why you got me totally by surprise when you

started to talk about it in such an open way. –

I almost fainted (I am joking – but honestly you really

got me speechless for some time).

But I have realized that you seem to be an expert (and

not only in this, I am sure …) so I have started
dreaming about this also – much to my own surprise –
and I am really longing to feel your mouth kissing me and
your tongue entering me.

Come soon and fulfill all my and your dreams and

fantasies ….


Later that afternoon, he wrote:

Just to show you how much I love you, I went out

searching for Joshua Kadison and believe it or not, finally
FOUND him in one of the record shops in Joburg …. I
LOVE this town !!!!!!!

I then raced back to the office and in the meantime got

stuck in traffic, but I told the office to make sure the
FEDEX man waits for me …. he’d been waiting 30
minutes when I got back and I quickly put it in an
envelope and handed it over to him.

Bottom line, Joshua’s on his to you …. like I indicated on

the accompanying note to you, Number 6 is dedicated to
YOU so listen to EVERY WORD (opening line is ‘You’re
my peace of mind in this crazy world…..’).

Number 1 is good too …. It’s called ‘Jesse ….’ very very

nice ….

You see, I go to GREAT lengths to PLEASE you …. just

wait until we MAKE LOVE !!!!!!!!!!

Have a GREAT weekend and think GOOD THOUGHTS.

Always YOURS,



That’s how our first ‘fight’ played out: starting like

shit ….. and ending great.

But is this not what love is all about, won’t you agree?

In a misty dream, I slept with you.
As the world spun
In the grace of God’s hands,
We were comforted
By each other’s nearness.
And somewhere in the
Misty midnight shadows,
When my arms encircled you,
And you folded your body
Perfectly against mine,
I knew that neither darkness,
Nor the uncertainly of the night
Would ever separate us………



Few people come into our lives
And make everything shine,
But you’re one of those
Rare and splendid jewels
Who makes the whole world bright.
When I was sad, you made me smile.
When I was alone and blue,
You were there for me,
And you made me feel strong enough
To accomplish anything.

Because I appreciate
the many things you do,
more than words could say,
I’m sending you the Candle of Love.
The weekend was quiet – I had company, so I wasn’t on the
computer as much and I also still had to digest the last days and
what they could point to….

Finally, I had come to a decision and on Monday

morning I then wrote:

I have decided no more sleepless nights anymore -

forget therefore also the proposal to make love over the
phone - knowing me, it would anyway not work.

I want you - the ‘whole’ Jeff Koinange – mind and body

– and I want to make love to you – madly.

But let’s wait until we may be able or not be able to fulfill

this in the reality.

If this is not possible and this is out destiny – let’s accept

also this:

It was a dream …… and nothing but a dream.


When he did not reply, I added a few hours later:

I had been a little bit discouraged by your information

that you have to go to the Congo and most probably will
not be able to come to London.

If this happens, what are we doing then? I need to see

you, talk to you, hold you, feel you …. or are we
continuing on the phone and on the PC? But for how
long? Will this not one day kill the feelings we have for
each other? Or will this make them even stronger?

Many questions – and I know that none of them can be
answered right now.

Maybe you find some minutes to either write or call



To this he finally replied and explained his silence:

Darling …..

Sorry, I haven’t talked to you all morning …. I’ve been

busy running around doing a story on the whole
Madonna adoption thing ….. it’s a BIG story in the
States right now ….

I’ll talk to you later ….. but just remember, I’m thinking
of you and MISS talking to you!!!!!!!!!

Did you get my mail about the Joshua Kadison CD????

Love you,


Later that day he added:

One of those days ….. it’s what I call a ‘Manic Monday’ ….

Too much NEWS happening ….. and keeping us TOO

BUSY !!!!!!!

But hey, tomorrow’s another day …..

And I still haven’t heard from the ‘POWERS THAT BE’
about London so I’m still in LIMBO ….. hopefully we’ll
have an answer in the next couple of days!!!!!!!!

Hang in there, my LOVE …..


On Tuesday, October 17th the Joshua Kadison CD

arrived including his handwritten ‘dedication’ of the song
No. 6 to me - ’You will always be beautiful in my eyes’ …..

I therefore wrote:

You have chosen the right song – it ‘hits the spot’ of all
my major doubts.

Anyway, I have decided during the last days to leave

behind all the ‘if …. but ….and why’ since it is worth to
take the risk - you are worth it.

I want to make you happy and I want to make love to

you and find out how I can excite and please you most.
And I am sure, you will do the same with me.

I have somehow the feeling that we are on the same

wave link also here - like we have already established in
other things when we talk about people and subjects we
are both interested in.

This is – as you must be aware of - a major part of our

attraction for me. It has not happened very often in my
life with other men that I felt like that - having found (I
hope) a lover, a friend and a person I can fully trust -
all this in one….

You see, my confidence has come back - I am
confident in you and in me and I am sure it will be
‘magic’ when we meet (you promised this many times,

I love you,

Jeff replied only the following day - and confirmed his

former fears that the London meeting was not taking place

But read for yourself what he said:

….. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait a little longer before

our ‘RENDEZVOUS’ …… I just got an email from
Headquarters saying the London meeting has been
postponed …. possibly until sometime in November (but
no dates given) ….

That means a DELAY and more ‘STRESS’ for the both

of us ………….

In the meantime, you’ll just have to keep listening to

‘Joshua’ and hope he can ‘bring’ you closer to me ….

I’m still going off to the Congo next week for the second
round of the presidential elections ….

I leave a week from today and will be there for about a

week ….

Miss you so much ….


A week in the Congo? - First of all, let me tell you that the
region around the Congo, Rwanda and Burundi is beautiful. Situated
in the densely populated equatorial zone, it boasts some of the
world’s tallest trees, rarest vegetation, deposits of diamonds,
copper and bitumen and a display of the endangered Mountain
Gorillas in the Virunga National Park.

But all that beauty and richness is in danger of being wiped

away by the unending wars.

It would be nice if the younger Kabila, the current President,

took the country in a radically different direction.

If he did, the Congo could become one of the world’s richest

countries and a very attractive tourist destination.

I knew that Jeff had met Kabila before - could he now

prod him to effect change?


Later that day I received another letter by Jeff. He

must have realized that I needed some ‘comfort’ after his
disappointing former email and wrote:


It’s the end of another day ….. and I’m heading home ….
going to put my feet up, have a nice glass of red wine
and light up a nice Cuban cigar and think GOOD
THOUGHTS !!!!!!!!!!!

How’s Joshua doing ??????? Are you playing it over and

over ????????

I knew you’d LIKE it ….. you see, I KNOW you better

than you THINK !!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you tell Sassa about it ????? What did she say ?????

Keep enjoying ….. and I PROMISE you the REAL thing

will be WORTH WAITING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice evening and as always ….. LOTS OF LOVE !!!


For some reasons, after reading Jeff’s letters, I went

to bed feeling like things were beginning to get a little out of

The innocent connection that characterized our earlier

days was giving way to questions, innuendo and fights. I
didn’t like that.

But I still hoped that when we met personally and made

love all our issues would melt away. You wonder why I’m
saying this?

Okay, read his letter which he wrote the following day:

STOP jumping to conclusions …..

But I can’t call you right now because as you know I’m
BUSY …. and there are people around !!!!!!!!!!!

POLE POLE my dear …… all I’m saying is I’m a VERY

private person …. and I prefer it that way !!!!!!!!!!

Please UNDERSTAND !!!!!!!!!


And that was just the first letter………….

Soon after, he shot off another one:

I know, you’re USED to getting your WAY and getting

things done the way you want them ….

I’m NOT saying you are SPOILT ….. all I’m saying is
that you NEED to learn to do things a little
DIFFERENTLY with me ….

I LOVE you too much now and I’m in TOO DEEP with
feelings of YOU and ME …..

So let’s DO things ‘MY’ way for a while …. and NOT

‘Marianne’s’ way ALL THE TIME !!!!!!!!!!


Before I could even think what to make out of this, a

third letter arrived:

MY way ……..simply put, it is all about DISCRETION ….

I lead a VERY public LIFE and ‘everybody’ knows me

‘as that guy on TV…..’

But they don’t KNOW the REAL ME …….

That’s why I like to KEEP that part of ME as ‘PRIVATE’

as possible …… and since I TRUST you FULLY, I
expect the same ……..

Let’s not make this more COMPLICATED than it already

is …..

Before you know it, EVERYBODY will know you and I are
having an AFFAIR and you don’t want that ….

After all, we’re living in a GLOBAL VILLAGE now and
word gets around a lot faster than you know……and
things can easily get out of CONTROL …..

DISCRETION is KEY, my LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let’s keep it that way ……………..


I did not understand why Jeff was bringing up the issue

of discretion since I hadn’t done or said anything to suggest
I might ‘spill the beans’ …..

Had reading my book made him start to wonder about

my long term loyalty?

Did he start worrying that should things go wrong, I

was going to talk?

I needed to tell him how I felt and therefore decided to

write back:

Dear Jeff,

I understand …. and that’s why we would never be able

to see each other at a meeting with CNN-Officials like the
one in London.

So how do you think this could ever continue? Should we

not give up right now - do you want to tell me this?

I went through your today’s mails and I see only one

message: you are afraid - afraid of yourself and of me.

I do not know what has happened - but I know that
maybe you want to tell me that it is over …. anyway there
Was not much - just a few words - just a few dreams
- that was all.

And don’t continue telling me how much you love me -

this hurts even more ….


Jeff’s reply - quite upset – was instant:

You’re NUTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…. and Sassa was very right ….. you’re ALWAYS

JUMPING to conclusions.

WHY ????????? Why are you so PARANOID ???????

Can’t you see that you are making all this UP ?????

Why do you make it so DIFFICULT for yourself ?????

I NEVER said anything like ENDING THIS ….. I

NEVER want to END THIS ……..


Please DON’T ATTEMPT to put words in my mouth …..

that HURTS !!!!!!!!!!

I find it difficult trying to explain things to you and having

you make your own CONCLUSIONS ……..



Still not understanding what this was all about, I

I am sorry, but I am not jumping to conclusions like you

say - I just do not want to be hurt anymore.

I am very sad right now - and I had promised to myself

years ago never to cry again because of a man.


Two minutes later he called assuring me that he will

always love me and tried to cheer me up until I finally
started to laugh again ……

After having put down the receiver, he then wrote:

I make you laugh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was nice to hear you laughing again ….. that’s what I

want you to do more of ….. you see how easy it is for you
to laugh ???????

I LOVE you and really long for you …. and it will happen
….. and it will be GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!

Now go and swim ….. and remember that I’m thinking of

you …….. ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!


Although he had tried to convince me that he really

loved me, there was a doubt still lingering and a funny inner
voice telling me that ‘this won’t end well’ ………….

TOO LATE …………….


Whisper softly in my ear
So that only I can hear.
Make me imagine you……….
Let your passion shape your words.
Make me believe that you want me
As much as I want you.
Speak to me and kiss me as you do.
Tease my lips the way you do my soul.
Breathe in time
To the beating of my heart.
Come to me and let me imagine you ……
Whisper softly in my ear
So that only I can hear.
Speak with the lips of longing ………..



I want to wake in the morning
And be your strawberry-luscious Lover!
The cottony soft morning light
Casts a honey glow while you sleep.

My sexy and beautiful love,

How I want to wake you !

My dreams have been filled with visions of you.

And by the blush of your skin
I know you’ve dreamt of me too.

Open your eyes, we’ll frolic and play ….

I’ve got ‘naughty’ in my mind to start the day!

We’ll nibble on strawberries, luscious and sweet,

Lick fingers and toes until our lips meet …..
Then some chocolate, or sugar
And cream would be nice –

Although you’re all I need to reach paradise !

But this day - Thursday, October 19th - had not
ended yet ……. just read how it continued and you will for
sure ask yourself, ‘Is this man ever thinking about
something else than SEX ????’

First he called later in the afternoon avoiding carefully

the subjects of his former emails talking about

On the contrary, he continued talking in all details how

and if and when to make love to me …….. I told him that he
made me blush ….. and that really turned him on to even
‘dig’ deeper into the subject until I begged him to stop …..

So he changed to other issues and went through a long

and smooth talk about his past, his relationships with his
former and current wife, and his issues with CNN.

He sounded so sweet on the phone – laughing away all

my protests and obviously enjoying himself teasing me….


And because of that hypnotizing and tempting voice, I

wrote to him immediately after hanging up.

I wonder how many women have fallen already into this

nice trap of yours …. like me today ….. you are a
champion of luring me into forgetting everything I wanted
to tell you - just listening to your nice voice.

This is your strongest weapon, as you must be very well

aware of.

I hear you laughing when you read this and this makes
me really mad. You are so sure about yourself - maybe

with a reason - but you make me (and most probably
many other women too) feel quite weak and small.

And that’s what makes me feel nervous since I am not

used to it. I do not know if you should be proud of it …..
and I do not know if I ever get used to it either.

But I wanted you to know about it since is explains a lot

of things - definitely my sometimes irrational behavior
with you or at least my reactions to your strong

You are a challenge - but I still wonder if I can ever deal

with it or if I want to deal with it.

So - I fear - we may continue having ‘problems’. Are

you willing to deal with them and with me ???????

The only way I see to settle them is to meet each other -

make love to each other - or even then fight with each

I really wonder what will happen if ………


I don’t know whether Jeff was just sitting by his

BlackBerry waiting for my email, but it sure felt good to get
his instant reply:

Strongest weapon !!!!!!!!!!!!

You HAVEN’T seen my STRONGEST weapon yet …..

that you will see and experience real soon ………

You’re a good woman, MJ …….. you don’t need to prove

that to ANYONE !!!!!!!!!

As for being SPOILT, that’s just you ….. you’ve been
wined and dined by the highest and mightiest of all …..
then little old me comes along and makes you go crazy
…. even before I’ve laid eyes on you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine what will happen when we do meet ???????????

Keep fantasizing, my Angel ….. and the real thing will be

REAL !!!!!!!!!!!!


And to make things worse, he then even called me from

the car and asked if I’d read his message. I said I had ……

But he was obviously not satisfied with my short reply

and insisted to get the confirmation if I was able to ‘imagine’
what he really meant …….. I said, I was able to.

He laughed for a while – and told me that he was really

telling me the truth because his weapon of mass
destruction was a hell of a thing ….. and that I should have
a glimpse at it when he appears next time on TV …… he
would make sure that the glimpse would be worth it.

And when I told him that I did not know how he would
do this ……. he could not stop laughing ‘just wait and see – I
promise, you will understand what I mean….’

Amused by this, I wrote to him a couple of hours later:

I wanted to sit down and enjoy a nice movie - but this

‘weapon of mass destruction’ issue did not leave my

You are unbelievable - and still full of surprises ….

But don’t worry, I believe you and I am looking forward
to see IT and experience IT and touch IT and enjoy
IT - preferably inside me ….

Are you now satisfied with the description OF ITS

EXPECTED ACTIVITIES or is there something missing???

I see you smiling when reading this - like I am smiling

now when writing it ….

Looking really forward to get - at least - ‘a glimpse’ -

or maybe more ………….

As I am dreaming – for sure – tonight.


The following day was Friday, October 20th. When I

woke up in the morning and looked out of the window, I
was hit by a wall of gray. There was thick mist in the air. I
couldn’t even see the Mediterranean. Was that a bad sign?

Hoping that it meant nothing, I hurried to the

computer and checked my emails. Right at the top was my
daughter’s - next to it was Jeff’s.

Here is what he said:

Ref.: WMD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s how I call my WEAPON OF MASS

DESTRUCTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Friday, my LOVE ….. it’s KENYATTA DAY in

Kenya ….. so Happy Kenyatta Day !!!!!!!!!!!

Keep DREAMING ….. and one of these days it will
become REALITY !!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet kisses in the Morning …………….


I replied:

I do not want to be part of ‘MASS DESTRUCTION’ …..

so please start thinking about some VERY REFINED

‘One day’ you will have to fulfill all my dreams and your
promises - does that not scare you ??????????

Longing for that ‘one day’ ….. which still seems to be so

far away - and Happy Kenyatta Day to you too (I
remember all the nice parades, music and speeches of
‘my’ days in your country under the sun ….. sitting
among all ‘those local dignitaries’ in my front row seat
next to the Dais …).


Moments later, he called and continued talking about

his new ‘favorite’ subject - the WMD.

Amused by his bragging, I teased him,

“Jeff, most men talk too much about it before -

but when the time ….”

Laughing he stopped me,

“ Don’t tell me, that you are doubting me now!!! -
I can assure you that I am telling the truth - just
wait and see….”

I must admit that I liked this conversation better….

The talk about my ‘past men’ - that was a deal


So to keep Jeff on this new path, I wrote to him as

soon as I hung up.

Scared ??????????

I am sure you will fulfill all OUR dreams and I will do my

best too.

As you once said “I may seem arrogant - but God how


Sometimes, I just like to tease you a bit - because I

would like to ‘punch some holes’ into this self-
confidence of yours although you told me that maybe you
might become ‘a bit defensive’ when I do ….

So please forgive me.


His reply was immediate:

You can punch all the ‘holes’ you want to but you will
‘fail’ ……..

I don’t have many talents ….. but the ‘few’ that I have,
I utilize them to the FULLEST …. so am I ‘scared’ ?????

NEVER !!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I’m GOOD at and what
I’m NOT good at ………..

And as far as the STRONGEST WEAPON department,

that is my STRENGTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Did that mean, his real strength was to make love?

Feeling a tingling sensation, I wrote back:

Dear Jeff,

I have decided to trust you - FULLY -

And I know, it will not only be good - but very good -

very exciting - very fulfilling (AND THIS I MEAN IN

So smile, my Love, as I do right now thinking about it…


And here is his immediate reply:

I am SMILING ……… AND SO IS MY WEAPON !!!!!!!!!


And my comment to this:

…. That’s bad …. you are really making me curious ….

And I also realize how much you enjoy this …. but it also

gives me the assurance that you are ‘the right man’ and
‘worth’ waiting for …….

Crazy …. I just went through our today’s mails again –

especially the ones regarding a ‘certain’ subject ….

Did you ever realize how crazy we are ??????????? I only

hope that nobody besides you and me will ever read

But to be honest with you, I am enjoying every single

word and every single moment …. as crazy as it seems.

I have never in the past been so open and frank with any
man about my wishes and feelings like I am with you –
and having so much pleasure in doing this ….

Are you proud now? - You should ……


Obviously he felt the same because he replied after just

some minutes:

Chemistry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE our mails …… we’re ALMOST making love to

each other as we write ……..

It’s CHEMISTRY like you’d NEVER believe it !!!!!!!!!!

That’s what I told you in the beginning ….. it’s all about
CHEMISTRY …. and this is GOOD chemistry !!!!!!!!!!!

HAVE A NICE weekend, my SWEET ….. and stay

SWEET (all over) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So it may seem that our love was back on track - but
was it really ???????


The Dreams I Dream ……..

The fire raged with the call of the new moon.

Forbidden thoughts rising with a certainty
Like spires of mist in the night;
Bodies locked in a tight embrace
Cherishing unspoken words
That arise from electrified emotions;
Passion echoed in delicious laughter,
Rising to a fervor,
Punctuated only by breathless sighs;
Desire awakening like the stars,
Intertwined with red bliss that escapes all confines
To become one with the torrid night
And the silken globe of fire.

.…..Such are the dreams I dream of us .…..


- JEFF -

Am I awake? Can this be real?
I’m drunk in my desire as you lay next to me
In a bed of rose pedals and forgotten dreams.
Somehow you brought it all back to me,
Feelings of erotic passion
and a breath of life.
I thought they were forever lost
In an eternal darkness left by lovers gone.

My eyes smile once again at the

Beauty before them.
My lips ache once again to be kissed.
My hands long to touch your burning flesh.
My heart pounds so hard it nearly
Escapes my chest………………
After all his bragging about his Weapon of Mass
Destruction, I felt I had to divert his mind a little bit and
wanted to challenge him, so I wrote on Monday, October

Corazon …….. since I do not want to be just a part of

your ‘mass’ destruction and because I hope that there
was never a Spanish-speaking amongst them, here is my
first lesson (try to find out what it means….):

“Mi Corazon – yo espero que tu me regalas une noche sin

final …..”

And now decide on starting smiling before thinking ‘this

woman is definitely crazy ….’


But to my big surprise – even shock – he replied


“------- my Sweetheart – I hope, I will receive as a

present from you a lovely endless night -----------”

You will, my LOVE ……. YOU WILL !!!!!!!!!!!

……… and as usual, another ‘MANIC MONDAY’ …. more

Madonna Madness ……..

How was your weekend ???????? Missed you and

THOUGHT of you a LOT !!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss

And my reply:

You really do not cease to surprise me ….. who has

taught you Spanish ??????????

I had hoped to shock you - but it seems, I am even

totally hopeless at that …..

I am looking forward to those ‘noches sin final…’ - Sassa

asked me just yesterday: “But when, Mami, when ?????”

I told her that there is still no answer to that question….

Smile …

He then called immediately:

“Don’t worry …… it will be soon, mi Corazon …… real

soon….. ‘una noche sin final’ - I promise …..”

When I asked him where he had learned Spanish, he

told me:

“…. I also have some secrets - but one day I will tell you
where and how - be patient, mi Corazon….”.

I then told him that for once I had found a man ‘equal’
to me – a real challenge – a man who makes me feel like a
‘real’ woman again ……

After our conversation over the phone, he then


I makes me feel good that you FEEL like a WOMAN

again ….. and NOT a ‘SUPERIOR’ being ….. I want to

make you HAPPY as well …. and I want to GIVE you
ANYTHING that you have NEVER gotten in LIFE …….

Knowing you, it will be TOUGH …. but I shall TRY my

BEST ….. and I KNOW, my BEST is BETTER than

Kiss Kiss

I replied:

You make me really smile - and I trust you. I know, it

will be my most exciting experience with a man ….

As I am smiling while writing this - I expect you to smile

while reading this ….


And his instant answer:

Oooooooooooooooooooh - all of me is SMILING ……..

and you KNOW what that INCLUDES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You will agree with me that this is not a conversation of
two grown-up people…. it’s more like two teenagers being in
love for the first time ……. and unbelievable ‘stupid’ …….

But don’t you not also like the fact that Jeff could loose
his head and talk and write like this ????

I did - and I just loved it ……..

But then there had been also other more serious issues
to be discussed between us that same Monday, October

So I wrote to him later in the afternoon:

Becoming serious again ……

Did you see that Pronk has to leave the Sudan? It really
looks like these people got offended by your statements
and also his comments ……..

I found him a very nice and very honest person - like you
told me after your interview with him: very open and very

You see, besides ‘our favorite’ subject about when and

how and in which way etc…. – there are still some more
serious issues between you and me ….


Jeff replied immediately:

….. I almost feel ‘responsible’ for PRONK being kicked-

out !!!!!!!!!!! What a SHAME !!!!!!!!!

I tell you, those people are ‘ANIMALS’ !!!!!!!!! Now they

can do what they want, when they want and how they
want !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay well, my SWEET ….. I’m still in the office working

on MADONNA’s latest controversy !!!!!!!!!!

NOT A GOOD DAY FOR AFRICA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay with me, Love, when dawn arrives;
Kiss me like the morning rays.
Don’t let the magic we shared in the night
Flitter with the light of day.

Stay with me, be at my side.

Let’s cast off the hands of time,
And dance beneath a lover’s moon.

Stay with me when the sky grows dim

And a zillion stars come
To play their evening song.
Touch me again and again ……
Stay with me long ……………..



Love remains strong when doubts come.
It also lingers in times of pain.
Love is there when we are angry.
Love will always remain.

Harsh words are sometimes spoken

And our hearts may feel broken.
Some days are nothing but rain.
In spite of this, love remains.

The following Tuesday, October 24th, he called
already very early in the morning.

We spoke again about the desperate situation of the

people in Darfur, the reasons for Jan Pronk’s problems with
the Sudanese Government and politics in general.

Jeff especially insisted to get also my opinion about the

political situation in Kenya since I had known all major
‘players’ personally and therefore had a more intimate
knowledge about their true intentions.

We discussed this issue for a while and spoke about

President Mwai Kibaki and his chances to be re-elected,
Moi’s continuous interferences, Raila Odinga and his
involvement in the Molasses Plant, Uhuru Kenyatta’s
position in this power game - and then later I wrote:

Kenyan Politics …..

Did you also see how nicely Nicholas Biwott is coming

back? He is even offering to join KANU again …..

This is really scaring me - I have been told that he had

met Moi for the first time when it was clear that I was
coming to Nairobi to testify and then also after my
London Declaration and even more intensified when they
knew that I was publishing my book to discuss their
‘strategy’ how to handle this. This was the time when
Mutula Kilonzo wrote to me that nasty letter on ‘behalf of
his client Daniel arap Moi’.

But getting Biwott back into a leading position, is really

bad - and knowing all the other ‘stupids’, he may even
have a chance …. sometimes I wonder if there is nobody
who could kill him - like he has killed so many others.

I know, this is not very Christian - but in his case, I
forget being catholic and its request for forgiveness …..
how I hate that man !!!!!!!!!!!

Promise me to go into politics and ‘clean’ your country

from people like him ….


After having arrived in the office and having read my

message, he called again and we continued talking about
the issue ‘Nicholas Biwott’ ….. and Jeff fully agreed with my
impression about him…..

Soon after we finished, I wrote:

…. Una pregunta: you still did not reply to my question

where and how you have learned to speak Spanish…..

Smile because I still do not give up to find out more

about you - you are an unsolved mystery for me.

And I still did not find the answer to this one question:
Who is this man who captured my heart without ever
having met him ????? Dreaming about him - about
making love to him and he making love to me !!!!!!!

I know your explanation is simple: It is that special

‘chemistry’ between us which still gives me sometimes
sleepless nights ….

But don’t worry, I have started to enjoy these sleepless

nights ….


And his instant reply:

Vida mia ……

It’s been a CRAZY morning ….. that story about Jan

Pronk is getting out of control …. and then there is
MADONNA ….. and I’m still supposed to be heading to
CONGO tomorrow morning ….. you know what they say
…. NO REST for the WICKED …… and I’m the
WICKEDEST one of ALL ………

As for all your QUESTIONS ….. well what can I say ….

just wait for the REAL THING …… then you can make
your decision …. and hopefully have ALL your questions
ANSWERED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will call you first thing tomorrow before I fly out …. my

flight is 8:45 a.m. Joburg time (I think we’re on the
same time zone) ….. so it’ll be about 7 a.m. …. or so …

Miss you so MUCH …..


So I was waiting the following morning for his call -

but instead at 7 a.m., he only called at 9:30 a.m. - and he
was not going to Kinshasa that morning.

CNN had asked him only late last night to fly to Malawi
where he should talk with the ‘biological’ father of the little
boy MADONNA had adopted……….

Atlanta had decided that the MADONNA ‘MADNESS’ (as

he called it when telling me about this) was of greater
importance especially to the American people watching CNN,
than the ongoing Presidential Elections in the Congo …..

I realized from the frustration in his voice, how much
he hated their decision in putting more importance on such a
trivial matter than on the fate of a country like the Congo ….

But as he explained, it was his ‘employer’ who made

the final decisions ….. and he had no other choice than to
comply ….

After we finished talking, I felt I had to cheer him up a

bit. So I wrote:

You were just lucky that you called me – I was about to

‘wring your neck’ already.

I know you are smiling now “I know she would have


Anyway, my busy man, just remember that whenever

you feel like talking or writing, there is somebody waiting
to hear from you - somebody who loves this very
‘distant lover’ …..

Unbelievable - but true.


And his reply - already in the plane:

Ha Ha Ha …… I knew you would have done …….

Taxiing on the runway as we speak !!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss

And still thinking about his disappointment to have
been ‘sent’ to Malawi, I decided to cheer him up a little bit
Making you smile once more …..

I was reading my last mails to you and have to make one

– very important - correction:

I called you my ‘distant lover’ - that was not correct. It

should read: distant ‘lover’ - since the word ‘distant’ is
correct - but ‘lover’ ??????????

Not yet - since this - you and me - still have to prove

to be ……….

And seeing you smiling now, I expect to receive another

message from you like in the past …… “you WILL, my
Love, you WILL ….”

But before deciding on writing this, think twice - since

my reply will for sure be: ……… “but WHEN, my Love,
…. but WHEN” ??????????

Sleep well, and hopefully dream of me (you see, I am

still very pretentious …. even - or especially - with


Jeff wrote very late the same day:


We’re finally in Lilongwe …… after a VERY tiring day

traveling ………… we’ll be setting off early to go look for
the BIOLOGICAL father of the boy MADONNA

It’s going to be ANOTHER long day …… but hey, that’s
WHY we’re here !!!!!!!! I’m trying to get some sleep
now. ………we start off at 6 a.m.

And YES, my LOVE ……. we WILL ….. PROMISE…..

real SOON …….

Always and FOREVER,


The following day I wrote:

…… before you start thinking “where is the usual

minimum one message per day” ? - here it is.

I hope, everything went according to plan today and I

am looking forward to see the CNN News.

I am busy promoting the Shining Star in some

international Clubs here and got a lot of invitations to do
so. That will keep me from thinking too much about you
and our still pending question ‘when’ ?

But don’t worry, there are always those silent hours in

the evening just before falling asleep when I start
thinking about ‘how and how often’ … trusting your
promise of your ‘strongest weapon’….

I am smiling just thinking about it - although - quite

honestly - I can only imagine what I am really missing.

But you have made me extremely curious with that

description of your ‘weapon of mass destruction’ ………


Jeff replied in the middle of the night since CNN had
transmitted his story during their evening news which in
Malawi was very early in the morning:


Everything went BEAUTIFUL well …… and you MUST

check out the story ….. coming up NOW on CNN
TODAY …………

You might also just see a ‘tease’ of the WEAPON of

and you will know, I was NOT kidding !!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a GREAT day ….. and we’ll chat later …….

Lots of LOVE


I got up very early that morning and after reading his

message, switched on the TV and saw the 7 a.m. CNN News
…….. after this I wrote:

Confirmed: I saw IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other words, I saw the report - very good. I am

sure MADONNA will be very pleased…. the father seems
to be a very nice man….

By the way, which language did you speak with him? I

also liked that special way of shaking hands. You really
have a very nice way to deal with people.

Coming back to your suggestion:

I took a short ‘glimpse’ - when you went to see this man
and entered the compound……..

You were right - there was ‘something’ to be seen !!!!!!

I will be smiling the whole day just thinking about it.

It is unbelievable that two grown-up people - doing

quite serious things in their normal day’s procedures -
can be so childish and some people may even call it

I just wonder what will happen, if ……….

Looking forward to those - hopefully exciting and

satisfying - nights,


Later that evening he called and when I made a remark

about the ‘glimpse’ he almost could not stop laughing.

He told me that he had been thinking about us while

driving to interview the father of Madonna’s adopted

Imagining how it will be when we meet and the things

we will then do to each other, had excited him so much that
he had had a ‘nice’ erection………. and while editing the
story, he had realized that this was quite ‘obvious’ ……..

That’s why he had written to me that I should take a

‘good look’ ……because he was sure, it was ‘worth’ it ………..


Now I am curious to know what you are thinking ……
for sure you will say the same I told him:

“Jeff Koinange, you are definitely a very crazy man…..”


Every day, I think about you,

And every second would be if you were here with me.

Every night, when I lie in bed, I dream that you’re beside
me, holding me close to you.
If you were, I’d whisper in your ear, how much I love you.
Since you came into my life, nothing has been the same.
I’ve experienced love to its fullest,
And I’ve tasted a beauty that never ends,
Because you’re where my happiness begins.
I’m incomplete without you and I’ll never stop loving you.
You’re the world to me in brilliant colors.
You’re my best friend -
A favorite song that will never end.
And together is where we should be –
Someday soon, I pray that you’ll walk through the door
And take this heartache away.




I would do anything for you
For you mean the world to me.
You stand by me through life
Whatever problems there may be.
You give my soul warmth,
You’re my rainbow in the sky.
And when my world is dark,
You lift my spirits high.
When I think of you, I smile.
You make me feel so safe.
You’re cocooned in my heart
Like a endless strong embrace.
Your words, your thoughts, your touch
Fill my whole being.
Our hearts they beat as one.
You are my reason for living.
There are many things I don’t know,
But there is one thing I’m sure about
And that is my love for you –
A love without a doubt…….

While still being in Malawi, he called again later that

And for the first time he started asking questions about

my daughter ………..

Our conversation then ended with his almost casual


“ I want to meet your daughter – I want to get to know

Sassa – I also want to make love to her.”

Before I could react, he had already put down the

receiver …………..

And wrote immediately afterwards:

So GOOD talking to you ….. and I’m getting excited just

thinking I COULD be your LOVER and your SON-IN-

What a THOUGHT !!!!!!!!!!! WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU for all these reasons …… and MORE !!!!!!!!

Have a GREAT weekend ……… and think of US !!!!!!!


One hour later he added:

Encroyable !!!!!!!!!!!

It’s AMAZING isn’t ……….. that we think so much alike….

I can’t believe this is HAPPENING to me sometimes …. I
think I’m dreaming but it’s REAL ….. and you’re REAL ….
and together we’ll make REAL LOVE together …. and
then your daughter can have my baby !!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU, my SWEET …….. more NOW than




You will for sure ask yourself why all of the sudden Jeff
is starting to talk about having a baby with my

Maybe this whole ‘Madonna Adoption Issue’ had put

this crazy idea into his head - maybe it was a remark he
once made that the only thing he was still missing to make
his life ‘complete’ was having a child – maybe there were
really problems in his marriage he did not want to talk
about… not yet at least…..

Anyway, this crazy idea about having a child with my

daughter never ever left his head after this.

As you will see from our correspondence, this issue

continued always cropping back.

So please be patient - and then you will understand his

‘state of mind’ ………… and the real reasons behind all


The following morning, Saturday October 28th, he
wrote in Swahili:


To which I replied:

I love you also very much …..

And he instantly:

I see your SWAHILI is still GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m

IMPRESSED !!!!!!!!!

Don’t worry ….. we’ll ‘work’ on your DAUGHTER …..

I think, it’s the way GOD wanted it to be ….a real

FAIRY-TALE !!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice weekend, my LOVE ….. and future Mother-

in-Law !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On Sunday, October 29th, the reality finally started

cropping in again:

He wrote via his BlackBerry:

I wanted to call you – but as always BREAKING NEWS

seems to take most of my time …..

An aircraft with more than 100 passengers just crashed in

the Nigerian capital Abuja …. this is ALL OVER CNN as
we speak ….. turn the TV on in 5 minutes …..

I understand your concerns about SASSA but I can only
assure you that everything will work out well !!!!!!! Rest
assured of that !!!!!!!!!!


Instead of calling, he wrote the following evening

again via his BlackBerry:

I worked until 1 a.m. last night putting the Nigerian story

together …. I decided to take today off ….. that’s why you
didn’t hear from me ……..

Let’s chat some more tomorrow….

Lots of LOVE !!!!!!!!


I was very angry and replied:

…. You say that you have taken a day off and that’s why
you could not contact me ….

So there was no moment or reason to tell me why you

could not call me????

I do not want to be just a ‘filling-in-gap’ for you – I

believed to be more.

I was wrong – I know now – and I was stupid to expect


That’s another fact.

I am very sad – but I will survive – like I did in the past.

So don’t worry about me ……


His first reaction to this the following day, October 31st:

I swear - you are FUCKING MAD !!!!!!!!!!

But I still LOVE you ……….


He then also called and told me the same on the phone,

“You are fucking mad – but that’s exactly why I love you
and always will ……….”

And then he added:

“I understand our problem – and we have to do

something about this – we have to find a way to leave
the ‘distance’ behind us, we have to become real
lovers….. otherwise we will continue fighting and that’s
the last thing I want us to do……..”

Later I wrote to him:

My so very ‘distant lover’,

This is what I really wanted to tell you this morning –

before you called and ‘clarified’ things –

So I am still sending you this:

I love you and I want to make happen everything we
dreamed of – including Sassa.

I want to become your lover – so long as it does not hurt

anybody else.

I want to make you happy – at least as much as I can.

I want to make love to you in all the craziness we both

can think of ….

I want you to tell me that you still love me – although I

drive you nuts sometimes with my doubts …..

……. Because I still want you and continue thinking about

you …..

Always …….

……… and now I go swimming and try to get back my

smile …. as you suggested …..


One hour later he called

……did you cool down - can we talk again about us -

are you ‘normal’ again ?????????

Can I tell you again – and will you finally believe me –

that I really love you ???????????

Tell me – write to me – and confirm this …..

So I wrote:

…. The swimming was an excellent idea ….. I really feel


Or do you still think that I need another ‘lesson’ how I

have to ‘treat you’ in the future ?????????

I love you …… with my body and my mind ……

Although I have the vague feeling that you prefer

sometimes just the body since my mind is very often too
difficult to understand !!!!!!!!!


He then called for the third time – soft and nice -

telling me how much he needed me and that’s why he
sometimes reacted irrational….

But it seemed that my reaction did not convince him

because he then wrote:

…. One minute you’re SUPER SEXY and SUPER HOT

and the next you’re ICE COLD ……..

That’s very SCARY ………

Help me UNDERSTAND who the real MARIANNE



I replied:

I am never ice-cold even if you got that impression – it is

because I am very passionate I am reacting sometimes
like that. But I only do when I care and when I love.

So don’t be scared – I am hurting myself much more with
such actions than I could ever hurt you. I never ever
intended to hurt you on purpose. So please believe me
when I tell you that I love you and want you.

But maybe you think that I have gone too far this time. I
hope that this is not the case and you still love me at
least a bit even if you cannot understand me.

But never call me ‘cold’ because that is hurting me – you

do not know me yet and you would never get that
impression if we would have met. I am a very warm and
tender person, very open and very honest – and very
easy to get hurt. Maybe that’s the explanation for all my
‘strange’ behavior.


He then called – for the fourth time that day – and told
me that I shouldn’t worry,

“ I love you – and I still want you - very very much !!!!!!”

Later that night I wrote to him:

I had promised myself to finally try to sleep – but I am

not even successful in that.

I started thinking about question “can you help me to

understand and get to know the real Marianne …..” - so I

I am looking into the mirror and I see a woman whose

body is still attractive. The skin still smooth and soft. I
know, I can be proud of that and as Sassa always tells
me, I should …

But then I start looking at me with the eyes of a 40 year-
old very attractive man and I start having doubts. I know
that you will see me in a different way. I know that you
are used to make love to younger women….

And all my self-confidence is falling to pieces.

I start seeing those new lines in my face – lines having

appeared in those sleepless nights full of longing to make
love - nights in which I only could think about you and
how much I love you - nights filled with dreams of giving
and receiving tenderness………..

And I also see the sadness in my eyes - because I know

that I will never have what I am dreaming of……

I will never feel the warmth of your arms…. I will never

feel your body….. I will never be able to make love to

Don’t feel sorry for me – just try to understand why I had

to act the way I did.


And again his assuring call:

… please believe me …… all your fears are nonsense ….. I

love you ….. and we will be together soon ….. and we will
make love ….. I promise ……….


I’m lying in bed and thinking about you.
The fire inside my veins burning red hot and white.
It guides me to you,
and to that sweet place
Where I need never bid you adieu.

The flames tease me tonight,

Brighter than the moon and hotter than the blaze of sun,
Yet a soothing, guiding light.

I need not close my eyes to dream of you,

For you arrive nightly to warm me with your fire.
And as you call softly,
The world escapes me.
Everything stops,
All is quiet.

Life is forgotten,
As we become one………



I’ve called you on the phone,
Shouted your name in the park,
Passed by your house tonight
As you sat there in the dark.

I’ve done what I could

To make you look my way.
Now it’s your move to make
As I lie in wait today.

Can’t you see I love you

And want to have you near.
Won’t you now make your move,
For I’ll just be waiting here.

On Wednesday, November 1st, he called very early
in the morning.

He had just received the news that the former South-

African President, P.W. Botha, had died and he was
expecting a ‘live’ via broadband with Atlanta…….

He then asked me if I ever had had contacts with South

Africa and I told him that I even had met Botha and some
other Members of his Government in the past.

I realized his surprise and even shock – and when he

insisted to know more details, I wrote:

I know you were shocked about me having known Botha

– actually I have met him only once. The name of one of
these Secret Service People I mentioned to you on the
phone was Franz Whelpton. And there was also a
General, but I have to look for his name – some Dutch-
sounding one as far as I remember. I had met them
together with Dr. Mungai once in Zurich.

But it is all documented in a Report which Biwott has tried

to present to the Sunguh-Committee done by a well-
known British Investigation Team (he must have paid a
fortune for it – 600 pages just Marianne Briner from
childhood to Switzerland, Italy and Spain – marriage,
divorce, business relationships, private relationships –
true and false. In other words: a total mess….).

Sunguh gave the whole ‘shit’ to me in London – so I have

even the original because the Committee refused to
accept it from Biwott which made him storm out of the
Hearing and that was the end of it.

There are also things contained which I never expected.
Mungai gave the permission to include private
correspondence between him and me and even gave
them a letter to be published. He must have made a deal
with them, since he was present when I met these South
Africans and the British Investigators must have found
out about that. So he has given them those private
correspondence and his name did not appear in the South
African Saga.

He does not want to talk about this with me and only said
that this is politics which sometimes makes you do also
dirty things which you later may regret…..

I know that he always had business relationships in South

Africa also with Botha and some others.

As funny as it sounds, but he was fully accepted even

during those ‘dark’ times ….. I even once attended with
him a Function in Zurich organized by the Swiss-South
African Business Forum and he was the guest of honor –
and the only African (black). But nobody was bothered –
on the contrary, he had all these white South African
racist women ‘at his feet’ adoring him ……

You see, there are always new surprises with me – and

they are not finished yet.

But I hope, this does not scare you – it sounds more

suspicious than it is. I can assure you…..


After having received my email, he called and wanted

to know why Biwott had ordered that Report. He then asked
me if I could tell him more – so I wrote another letter:

Biwott had given the instructions to check on me already
in 2000 when he and Moi filed a Libel Suit against the
American Ambassador Smith-Hempstone and against the
Scotland Yard Forensic Expert, Dr. Ian West.

He then continued more in detail when it was clear that

the new Government would reopen the investigations in
2002. The whole exercise for him had only one reason:

He wanted to prove to the Committee and the Public that

I had a reason to have Dr. Ouko killed and that I was
behind it ‘using all my Mafia and other political

He wanted to demonstrate that I am not a trustworthy

person who has ‘even lured Scotland Yard to believe her’
– verbally contained like that in the Report – ‘to divert the
attention from herself to other innocent people like him’.

According to Biwott and to this Report, the only person

who ever had an interest to kill Dr. Ouko was me because
I had lost Millions of Dollars and had invested all my
private money in the business in Kenya and made Dr.
Ouko responsible.

That part about the money is even true – I have spent a

lot of money since I always paid my invoices myself,
including flights, hotel etc. – but I never accused Dr.
Ouko for this. Besides, I was not only working for him,
but also for other Kenyan Ministers like Darius Mbela
(Housing), Maina Wanjigi (Livestock), Kimayo arap Sego
(Commerce) etc. etc.

Mungai is another chapter. That has hurt me a lot. Do

you understand now how sensitive and careful I have
become to trust somebody?

I know, he did this to protect himself – and also to
protect Uhuru since the Report was done during the times
when Uhuru was becoming the Presidential Candidate for
the 2002 Elections.

So Njoroge switched sides and agreed to ‘contribute’ to

this Report in giving them private letters from me - and
he never apologized. He just told me to accept that he
had reasons to do this.

As I told you on the phone, I did not know about all this
until I went to London for the Hearing in February 2005
and Sunguh gave me the Report.

If I would have known about it in Nairobi, I would have

spoken about all this and would have clarified everything.
But I did not know then.

So Biwott could still go around accusing me which he did

in numerous interviews and press statements, as you may

It is a very sad story – my life and experience with Kenya

and certain men there ……..

You wanted to know me and to understand me better –

that’s a very important part of it and explains maybe
some of my reactions when it comes to trusting

So forgive me if you have to ‘suffer’ for something other

people have done to me in the past. But with you I have
started to hope again and have started to love and trust
again – and that is a very good feeling.

I love you,

To this Jeff replied immediately:

Don’t worry, my LOVE …………..

You will have the LAST LAUGH in all this ……….. I

PROMISE !!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine the look on his face when he sees SASSA and

YOU and ME together …………..

He will have a HEART ATTACK or even a STROKE like

PW Botha …….

Hang in there, my LOVE ………… and remember,



He then also called and started to talk again on his

favorite subject ‘having a child with my daughter…… and
giving me a grandchild……’.

I could not stop laughing and teasing him, I then


You know I love you – not only if and when you become the
father of my grandchild …. although of course, especially

Smile now ….. and – please – promise ‘I will, my love, I will….’


And as requested his instant confirmation:

I WILL, my LOVE, I WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And teasing him once again, I wrote:

I am looking forward to it – could we agree on a girl and

a boy – the girl with your charm and smile – and the boy
with hers – or the other way round, I am not sure yet.

And now you can laugh again “this woman is crazy ….” –
and I do not even mind if you do.


And Jeff:

You are CRAZY ………. but I LOVE you VERY VERY

MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But watch CNN …… NOW !!!!!!!!!!!

After having seen his broadband-interview regarding

Botha I wrote:

Now I am glad to know that you did also some ‘serious

work’ besides being with me either on the phone or
computer ………

Obviously it was not easy to talk about a man like that –

but as you said “History and time will tell…..”

But let me add one more observation: you looked quite

tired – or am I wrong?

And Jeff:

I am ……………… wonderful OBSERVATION ……….

I LOVE you ………..


Later that afternoon I wrote:

Before you are ‘dismissed’ – I was just going through the

Jeff-Koinange-Google and looked for some nice articles I
am planning to give to Sassa.

One I found already is called ‘On a wing, prayer and a

box of cigars ….’

I love it ………………………………………………

Good night now and maybe you call me tomorrow



And his reply – already on his way home – via his


Yeah – I like that story……………………………

And yes, I will call u tomorrow ……..

That’s how this Wednesday, November 1st, ended -

another ‘crazy’ day like so many others also before …………..


And just in case, you don’t know what I am talking
about, here is the mentioned article - so I beg you to share
this with me ……..

Jeff wrote on October 1, 2002, in an article he posted

to CNN’s ‘Behind the Scenes’……….

In this business, they say, you just don’t know where you’ll be
on any given day. Last week, my colleagues and I got a first-hand
lesson in how true that maxim can be.

We were in the Nigerian capital, Abuja, when we got a call

from CNN headquarters in Atlanta, “Get yourselves to Abidjan as
soon as you can”, said the voice on the other end, “The story’s
about to blow up”.

A tall order indeed. You just don’t get anywhere quickly in

Africa. But off we went, stopping by our bureau in Lagos to pick up
our gear - all 23 cases of it, complete with flak jackets, generator
and every traveling correspondent’s secret weapon:

A box of cigars - Fidel’s finest ……..

We checked in at the airport and headed to the lounge. The

plane was late, so we caught two hours of sleep, waking in time to

Next stop: Abidjan, in the Ivory Coast…….some 200

students and staff members – including 101 Americans - were
trapped in the country amid a military rebellion in the West African
nation. We landed two hours later, where we were told a curfew
would take effect in an hour’s time.

We scrambled through the usual customs formalities and

headed for the baggage carousel. A half-hour later our bags finally
emerged…….why is it that the television equipment is always the last
out? Porters in tow, we headed for the exit………….

As usual, our gear attracted the attention of a ‘hungry’
customs agent who demanded to know what was in our cases ……
“We are American journalists….. CNN” I replied. The agent ignored
me, “Open all of them”, he ordered.

Open them all? We were guaranteed an overnight stay in the

airport --- trapped by the curfew ---- if he went through all our
luggage. With 25 minutes to curfew, I reached for the first bag -
the one with cigars. “Would you like one?”

The officer smiled, “Ah, Cubano, n’est-ce-pas?” …. Oh, bien

sur”, I answered, adding how pressed for time we were….. and he
waved us on………

We hurried to the hotel, aided by the fact that the city was a
ghost town, a far cry from the hustle and bustle of the Abidjan I’d
known in the past. We got there with two minutes to spare before
the shoot-on-sight curfew went into effect.

We quickly got rolling, choosing a sight right outside the hotel

offering a view of deserted streets - a perfect angle for a live shot,
which went well.

Then, disaster: Soldiers patrolling in a jeep came to a quick

stop. Didn’t we know about the curfew, they asked. We replied
that, technically, we were not on the streets…….

Apparently insulted, the troops seized our gear and radioed

their superiors for instructions. Time dragged ……

Meanwhile, CNN International wanted another live shot…………

“Houston……..…..” I said – borrowing from a famous line -
.......we have a problem……” -

And two hours later, they released us - I did not have to

reach for my cigars - with a stern warning: Do not venture out or
else!!!!!!!! We complied, setting up the videophone in the hotel

In Abidjan, it was after midnight when we learned that
“NewsNight with Aaron Brown” wanted us on in two hours. The
show went well, and we were happy ….. tired, too. We’d been up
for 24 hours…………..

Another call, the ‘desk’ again: “Head to Yamoussoukro,” said

the voice from far away……. American kids who were rescued by
French forces from factional fighting were to be airlifted in the
morning, we learned.

The curfew ended at 6:30 a.m. – it was 3.a.m. ……… We

slept for three hours…………..Then at 6 a.m. were up again -
shower, coffee, croissants ………and then the open road……..W2e
did not pass a car for 250 miles ………

Hours later, we reached the outskirts of Yamoussoukro - the

Ivory Coast administrative capital…… and came face-to-face with
unsmiling soldiers holding AK-47s.

“What do you want?” one asked.

“We’re here to cover the evacuation of American school

children rescued lat night.”

“What’s in the cases?”

“Camera equipment.”.

“Open all of them - now”……………..

I reached for my favourite bag. “ Oo la la….” The soldier

exclaimed, “ Cigars……… donne- moi….!! HE TOOK SEVERAL AND

“Can we go?” ……… he waved us on.

We came to another checkpoint a mile later - and again, we
were approached by armed soldiers demanding that we stoip

Our driver didn’t hear them. “Arret”, one yelled. He loosed a

volley of shots just over our car for emphasis. It worked. The driver
slammed the brakes and we spilled out, hands and passports in the
air. “Press Americane!” I yelled. We explained our mission, and
luckily, one of the soldiers had heard of CNN….. The soldier
conferred with his colleagues, and finally, reluctantly, waved us on.

We made it to the airport where French read berets had

mounted a checkpoint. Young soldiers, barely teenagers, I noted,
but they were disciplined. They waved us past to the airport. On the
far side of the facility were U.S. Special Forces troops ressting easy
in their Humvees. Two U.S. Air Force C-130 cargo planes sat on the

We got our videophone up and running. Ten minutes later, a

convoy arrived - the American school children under heavy military

We had a world exclusive………….. the school children boarded

a C-130, whose engines rumbled into life just as anchor Paulo Zahn
told viewers about the children’s daring rescue 24 hours earlier.

The CNN crew there – she added – were the only news people
at the site.

My camera-man and I exchanged ‘high-fives’ ……….

The plane took off, and I began a series of Q&As with different
CNN stories………….talk about timing ……………….

And thank God for those cigars !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Just when I’ve thought this out,
And concluded that these feelings
I have for you make no sense
And have resolved to turn them off,
I find my desire for you
Ruling against my determination.

And then my whole body aches for you again,

Yearning for a touch I’ve never had,
A wine I’ve never tasted.
Then, I’m unsteady on my feet,
Finding the common joys of life
Dull and unsatisfactory.

And so, for good or for bad,

I’ve decided to stop shouting accusations at myself
And simply accept that

……… you turn me on !!!!!!!!!!!!!! …….


DREAMS …………………..

I am lost in you …..

Feasting on your beautiful eyes,

My heart melts and I’m hypnotized.
When I gaze upon your face,
I disappear without a trace.

For I am lost when I’m with you.

It’s then my dreams are coming true.
I’m lost in the moment of time and space.
It’s Heaven with you, anyplace.

When I reach to touch your hand,

It’s like I’ve entered the promised land.
With eyes closed, I steal a kiss
And know when gone, you’re sorely missed.

My wish is now to see you soon.

Until I do I’ll be in gloom.
And somebody that you’ll leave no more,
Is exactly what I’m praying for!
As Jeff had promised the day before, he called the
following day very early in the morning.

But since I had gone out, he left a message on my

telephone recorder – a bit annoyed, but still trying to be nice
and sweet ……….

When I came back, I then wrote:

I just came back from a lunch meeting and when I was

opening the door, I heard the phone ringing – but it had
already stopped before I could pick it up. I then saw on
the ID that it had been you. I also found your former
messages – sorry, my Love.

But now I am ready, willing and able to listen ………


As I had hoped, he called back – and immediately

started to talk about his new ‘pet’ project – my
daughter……….. – and for the first time I understood that
this was not a fantasy, but something he really wanted ….

And since he must have understood that I still did not

take this idea serious, he immediately added via his

The ‘project’ !!!!!!!!!!!

Nice talking to you as always, my LOVE ……. don’t worry

about our ‘project’ !!!!!!!!!!! I’ll make sure we

With patience ….. which you obviously have in very

SHORT supply ….. and with TRUST …. which you and I

have plenty of ….. so, I am a very patient man …. and I
usually succeed in the end, my darling !!!!!!!!!!!!

Pole Pole !!!!!!!!!!


I protested:

Don’t say I am not patient – because that lesson I have

learned from you in the meantime.

I really want you – is that so bad???????????


And Jeff immediately - again via his BlackBerry:

Not bad at all, my LOVE ….. because I want you TOO

and I need you like CRAZY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE you so MUCH !!!!!!!!!!


Also the following day, Friday, November 3rd, was spent

between being on the phone (four calls all together) and on
the computer ……… only subject: how and when to make
love ……… Jeff: “I can’t sleep anymore – we have to do
something about this otherwise I am ‘exploding’ one of
these days …….”.

For the first time he then proposed that I should come

to South Africa – I told him Johannesburg was out of

question for me because of his wife – reluctantly he

Later that day he called – all excited – because he had

managed to convince Atlanta to do a story about some
people (Somali refugees living in South Africa) and was
going to Cape Town for a few days…….

“this is perfect, my LOVE …… we can spend some days

together – if you can make it, I will stay some days more
– only for you …….. please come……..”

I had to inform him that it was not possible since I had

a cold and would not be able to fly on such a short notice ….
He was very disappointed but tried to stay ‘cool’ ……..

While being in Cape Town, he wrote:

It’s hectic here in Cape Town ….. long days and even
longer nights !!!!!!!!!!!

All is well though ….. accomplished a lot …..

We’re here for a couple more days ….. I’ll make sure I
call you before I head back to Joburg ….

Love you LOTS ….. despite the silence ……


I shot back:

I especially like telling me about the ‘longer nights’ …..

are you really thinking, I am stupid ????????

And he – upset – via his Blackberry:

I meant WORKING on my stories ………. Jesus what is

WRONG with you ????????????

I preferred to change the subject and wrote back:

Could we continue talking about other matters than

personal issues?

Please – say yes – since this is more important than just

some “you love me – you don’t love me – matters” ….. I
hope you are laughing now.

Since I am still sick, I have had the opportunity and time

to look at some commentaries on the German Television
about the American Elections – and to my surprise they
have started to discuss a competition between Hilary
Clinton and Obama for the next Presidential Elections.

What do you think? – I personally believe Obama would

be good – but would he really have a chance?

And more important regarding you and me: Could we

decide to continue on this level of ‘mutual’ interests?


His immediate reply:

Hilary DEFINITELY ……… Obama ….. TOO SOON …. he’ll

have to wait until ‘America’ is ready for a BLACK
President ……..


He then went back to Joburg and called after he arrived
….. still disappointed that I had not come to Cape Town and
also a bit annoyed that I still tried to keep my ‘independence’
and did still not ‘trust’ him completely ……..

I wanted him to understand why I had acted like that

and since I knew, I would not be able to tell him this over
the phone, I decided to write:

In all my life it was always me who decided with whom, when

and how I not only started a relationship but also how and
when to finish it.

Even Daniel and Njoroge had to accept this – I never mae any
exception. I ruled and I decided….. always…….

And then you came and my whole pattern went down the
drain. With you I did not control anything – neither how, nor
when – not even if …. nothing at all.

And that drives me nuts and makes me totally insecure. On

one side I want you and I want to trust you that will decide the
right things for both of us.

But this is a totally new situation for me and I do not know how
to handle this.

I never accepted that a man could rule me – not even that a

man could decide anything for me.

So when you call me – tell me honestly how you feel and what
you want. I will accept your decision – although quite honestly
this will be the first time in my life that I am allowing a man to
make a decision for me.

I still love you,


And his instant reaction:

I LOVE YOU too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A lot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Touch Me There ……

You’re always there, in my dreams,

And I’m wonderfully weak,
Savoring each of your moist kisses
My desire only heightens
As your lips press
Against every inch of my flesh ……

Except for that one spot,

Which I won’t tell you about now.
And I only ask
That you’ll touch me there later……..



Need a special gift in life
It’s magic can’t compare
The gentleness of special kiss
Soft breezes in the air.

With wings of lace and beauty

I send this kiss your way
That you will feel the softness
Of bonded love to stay.

Greeting that is always blessed

That comes with special touch
Gentle as the softest breeze
That says you’re loved so much.

Feel these wings around you

With special loving care
To let you know the kindness
Of love that’s always there.

So hold me close on this day

I’m always there for you
With arms that gentle reach out
This kiss is meant for you.

B y now you will have noticed that during the
weekends Jeff and I dramatically minimized our
communication – at least while being in Johannesburg.

So this is what it came down to – the weekends were

his wife’s - the week was his girlfriend’s ……….


On Monday, November 13th, he told me that he was

already at the Airport getting to head to Kinshasa ………

He then called later in the evening and we had a nice

‘row’ over the phone ………

He was again going back to the question why I had not

come to Cape Town ….. maybe I had another man ….. I was
driving him crazy ….. if I had come to spend some days with
him, all our problems would be solved …….. and finally that
he could not go on like that because he needed me ‘like

I told him that this was a totally unacceptable way of

talking – if he continued I would prefer to cut – and maybe
this is what he wanted ……. ???????????

Upset he wrote:


Again you jump to your USUAL conclusions …….. I never

meant to HURT you ………. I do want to keep
communicating with you …….. I want to have a

relationship with you (as long it comes WITHOUT
HEADACHES) …… I do want us to continue doing and
achieving what we started ………

I want what we had before …….. and I will try my best to

TRUST you and NOT give you any ‘IDEAS’ about
jumping to conclusions ……….

Smile, my dear ….. I STILL LOVE you ….. A LOT!!!!!!!


I replied:

Explanation accepted – but you have scared me a lot.

Please be careful in Kinshasa. I have heard too much

about the fighting and killing going on there and that it
will be worse during the coming days.

Don’t risk your life for a story, please………..


The following morning he wrote:

Went to bed at 5 a.m. ….. had been writing and editing

most of the night a story on European Troops helping to
keep the peace in the streets of Kinshasa ….. spent most
of the afternoon and evening with them and the story is
playing on CNN all day today ……….

But good to know you were ‘up’ at the same time as well
….. hope your ‘dreams’ were GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!

Off to another story …….. chat later.


I wrote back:

I saw it …… and liked what I saw …………..

And I liked your pink shirt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And Jeff:

Ha Ha Ha …….. Fucsia, my dear …… Fucsia ……..

Glad you liked it …….. and even more glad you’re

watching ……..


He then called late that night – and we had another row

over the phone – he was obviously tired and nervous - and
again started to accuse me for being selfish and not
understanding ………..

Before slamming down the receiver, I called him

‘asshole’ ……….

But this he could not accept and wrote:

Why don’t you understand that I’m in a place that’s

difficult to communicate from and even more difficult to

Can’t you see from watching CNN that I’m busy working?

So when I call you, don’t put down the phone on me!!!!!

Please, Marianne, STOP acting like a SILLY SCHOOL
GIRL ………..

You should UNDERSTAND that the CONGO is the worst

place to communicate from …… you’ve been here …. you
should KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

And having traveled in Africa as much as you have, you

should KNOW that this is probably the WORST of the
WORST ……..

Don’t try and make me feel guilty by writing these


I’m under a LOT of pressure as it is ………. and

STRESSED as HELL …… and you should UNDERSTAND.

PLEASE don’t do THAT AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s CRAZY out here …….. you MUST know that!!!!!!!!!!!


PS. I LOVED that FUCKING language you USED …..

you should USE it more often ….. as ‘EDUCATED’ as
you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My response was terse:

Luckily you did not hear me when I read your mail ….. it
was a nice collection of bad words and I have even
surprised myself for knowing them …………


And his instant reply:

I LOVE you, Marianne …….. DON’T YOU EVER


Even IF you DON’T HEAR FROM ME for a few

days………..just think and KNOW I AM WITH

EVEN in your CRAZY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Soon after he called to alert me that he had made a

mistake and sent to me an email which was meant for
OPRAH …… it read:

I’ll make you a DEAL ….. if you don’t mind editing

Saturday morning, we’ll shoot the LINKS first thing
Saturday and FTP them …… remember, we’re SIX
hours ahead …… and by the time you get in (8 or 9
a.m.), they’ll be SITTING in the bin for you.

Let me know …………


After having seen it, I wrote:

I realized that the mail was not for me – but it was nice
to see that even a ‘perfect’ man like you can make a
mistake ……… made you a bit human, I guess.


Jeff’s reaction:

Ha Ha Ha Ha ……… you see I AM HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my reply:

Not just human ………… but a lot more …………

And Jeff:

Oh yeah ………. TELL ME ……….

I wish I could MAKE LOVE to you TONIGHT ……..

I have SOME IDEAS ……

What about you?

CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A few hours later – late in the night – I wrote:

My dream of last night ………

I was sleeping – everything was dark. All of the sudden I

felt your hands on me, caressing me.

I was lying on the side, so you only could touch my back

and then you kissed me and moved from my neck down
my back to my legs.

I still was half asleep and did not want to wake up since I
was afraid that this was only a dream. But your caresses
were so strong and I was too excited so some waves of
sensual excitement made me shiver.

I started to reach out for you – but you stopped my

hands from touching you telling me that this is your night
only – I should just enjoy you – and I did.

Then finally you entered me – I felt you strong and big in

me. You started moving, first very slow and then faster
and faster – deeper and deeper – until I felt that you
were filling all of me, warm and strong, and then finally
you reached an orgasm which was shaking me too.

But you continued staying in me telling me to keep my

eyes closed and continue feeling you. And then you
started again. I felt you becoming bigger and bigger
again in me and then you told me that this is now my
turn…. it’s my time of pleasure – and it was.

When I finally reached my orgasm and opened my eyes,

I realized that I had only dreamed – I was alone…………..

Do you know now what you are doing to me???????????


And Jeff’s reaction – early in the morning – on Friday,

November 17th …………

I had to finish yet another story for this week’s INSIDE

AFRICA …… which I hope you’ll be watching on Saturday
…… and I hope Sassa as well???????? But I know it’s her
birthday Saturday so I’m sure she’ll be busy …..

And NOW to your dream ………

I had to rush and take a cold SHOWER after reading it
…… and came back still SMILING …. at least for

We’ll have to do something about it before the end of the

year …..

I already have some ideas which I’ll be proposing to


I don’t want to get you too excited but I’ll let you know
SOONEST when and where ………..I’m making some
plans as we speak …….

Otherwise ONE of us will EXPLODE any day now……..

Try and get some rest, do your indoor SWIMMING

….and think GOOD thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!

Lot’s of LOVE and have a GREAT day ………..

I’ll be out of town (we’re in a place called Mbuji Mayi in

the South East ….. Diamond district) doing a Diamond
story ……..

Stay SWEET and thanks for sharing your LOVELY



My reply – teasing him:

“Exploding” that’s your part ‘of the game’ – so try to do

something about it – either in taking cold showers or …….

Of course I would prefer the ‘or’ ….. and not only in my
dreams …….

Smile, my Love – you are dealing with a woman who is

sure that you are the right man to talk to like that …..
and more than that, a man who knows what to do about

Now you can start planning ……….


Jeff’s reply at 6:45 a.m. the following morning,

Saturday, November 18th:

Good morning, my LOVE ……… it’s Saturday morning

and before you ask me whether I sent Sassa a birthday
message ……. I did !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you had a ‘calmer’ night ……….. and wishing you a

LOVELY weekend ……

We’re off back to Kinshasa this morning …. and try to get

one more story done before we head back to
Johannesburg tomorrow …………

Then I take some time off ………… I just feel ‘burnt’ out
with one story after another ……

I desperately need to renew my batteries ….. just not

have to show up to work for a few days ……..

I wish I could fly to Malaga and ‘escape’ into your warm

embrace …….. but that won’t be possible for now …..

Hang in there ……… I know you have a lot on your mind
too ……. maybe you should take some time off as

Like I said, hang in there …… and know that someone

out here in the ‘Heart of Darkness’ LOVES YOU VERY



After INSIDE AFRICA on Saturday, he first wrote

asking if I had seen and liked the show …….. when I did not
reply immediately, he called.

And another – very bad fight started…….. for the first

time he showed the face of a very jealous and possessive
man ……… even offensive.

The reason was the fact that I told him that I was going
to Madrid to meet some old friends before going to Zurich to
see my daughter.

Although it had been his idea that I should also take

some days off, he now accused me for having another ‘lover’
whom I preferred to him ………….maybe that had been even
the real reason why I did not come to Cape Town when he
asked me ……….

I told him to ‘go to hell’ …………. and that it was not his
business what and with whom I was doing anything since I
also never asked him about his private life …………..


After having arrived in Madrid, I wrote to him in the

You once told me that I should use some bad words

when it is necessary.

I did before leaving for Madrid – I did when I landed in

Madrid – and I will continue using it during the next days
and I fear also when I am Zurich.

There is only one word which fits my feelings for you at

the moment …………….. and that is not a very nice

It starts with an ‘a’ and it ends with an ‘e’ ……… and

now you can guess……..


It took Jeff two minutes to ‘guess’ – just read what he


ASSHOLE ?????????????????????????????????????????

I’m an ASSHOLE ?????? I’m an ASSHOLE ???????

…………….………I’m off for ten days …….. maybe that will

give you ENOUGH time to ‘CALM DOWN’ ………


I shot back:

I do not want to comment on this ……. let’s both start

enjoying the ‘break’ – you from me and I from you.

We both need this – and then maybe we can find a way

to deal with each other in a more decent way – and this
applies to both of us.


Jeff instant reply:

Yes yes yes ……… totally agreed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I LOVE you ……… very very MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!



After this we did not communicate for abt. 10 days. He

took time off from work and I went first to Madrid and then
to Zurich to spend some days with my daughter …….

And as it came out now, this was the time when his
wife became pregnant …………

The baby should have been due around the middle of

August …………

So at the end, something good has come out from all

this mess !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I’m sitting here thinking about you
Like I do every day.
I’m trying to concentrate,
But these fantasies of you hold me at bay.
I’m imagining how great if would be if you
Gave yourself to me.
I vow that I would willingly drown
In this sea of ecstasy.
I can feel your body pressed into mine,
Caught in a tempest of fire,
Enraptured by true love that’s so divine.
I can feel your kisses on my neck,
And the play of your fingers upon my chest,
And I’m enchanted by the spell that you cast best.
I can hear your sighs and the urgent beating
Of your heart,
And I become undone, while in my fantasies -
So steamy and hot –
We become one……….



Here I am waiting for you
To come home and make love to me.
Our bodies entwined all night through,
Reaching the highest height of ecstasy.

You my love know just what to do,

To place that smile upon my face.
Tonight lets make love under the moon,
While our love travels thru space.

I know you like it nice and slow,

Our bodies moving like waves in the ocean.
Like fireworks putting on a magical show,
We’ll ravish each exciting moment,
Until we feel the final explosion………

Although he must have obviously spent some nice and
also exciting days with his wife (…… since she became
pregnant during this time, I am sure he did……) - ,

he immediately called and then also wrote to me on

Friday, December 1st :


I’m back …….. and feeling really WELL-RESTED ….. it

was good to be away and just ‘switch’ everything OFF …..
the batteries are FULLY recharged and I’m ready to

You too sound well-rested ….. Switzerland must have

been GOOD for you ….. and your LOVELY daughter
MUST have ‘knocked’ some sense into you because you
now sound a lot more ‘calmer’ and relaxed!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can imagine, the EMAILS in my INBOX are

plenty ….. and I need to go through them ….. then ‘settle’
in and try to get a sense of what’s happening……

It’s good to be back in communication ………..


…… VERY VERY MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll be in touch more ‘regularly’ next week ….. although

I’m off to Botswana on Tuesday …. and then onto Kenya
over the next weekend to do a bunch of stories ….. and
then back in Joburg and will be here over Christmas and
New Year’s …..

Stay sweet and again, it’s GREAT to be back in




I had received just a few days earlier the message that

Father Angelo d’Agostini, the Founder of the Nyumbani Aids
Orphans Village in Nairobi, had died on November 20th and
knew that also Jeff had been informed this.

Father d’Ag had been an old friend of mine who also

had inspired me to write my book ‘A Shining Star in

So when hearing that Jeff might be going to Nairobi the

following weekend, I wrote to him:

Since you said you go also to Kenya …..

Could you do me a favor to also visit Nyumbani? I want

you to see the children since this is where – agreed with
Sassa – I want her to get involved.

When you go there, please buy the CD ‘Watoto wa

Mungi’ – it is beautiful. My favorite songs are No. 7 –
Give me Peace – and especially No. 15 – Like a Sunshine.

Could you please call me – it’s nice to hear your voice on

TV – but much nicer when you are talking to me ….. I
missed this …….


He then really called back immediately and I asked him
if it was not possible to show a report on Father d’Ag in
INSIDE AFRICA – as a kind of memory for a great man……….
and he really did ………..

Since he was flying out to Botswana on Monday, he

promised to call me before leaving ….

I told him that I was planning to go to Seville over the

weekend and was not sure if I was back by them …..

Although he tried to control himself, I then had to

‘suffer’ another outburst of jealousy ………

On Tuesday, December 5th, the then wrote from


I did try to calling you yesterday while still in Joburg but to NO

avail ………. and I have been on the road ALL DAY in
Gaberone and beyond ….. that’s BOTSWANA in case you
didn’t know …………

I just got back to the hotel ….. and trying to wind down before
getting some rest and another long day tomorrow ……

Enjoy Seville ……. and let’s talk later in the week …… Friday if I
get a chance…..

Hope all’s well …..

I hope you liked the Father d’Ag story in INSIDE AFRICA - you
see, sometimes I DO LISTEN to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



On Thursday, December 7th, he then wrote:


First of all, my LOVE, I’m NOT in Nairobi ….. I just got

back to Joburg from Botswana ….. and I just heard now
that I’m NOT going to Nairobi anymore ….. the story is
being shot for me and I will write it in Joburg because I
have five other BIG stories I’m working on …..

So I will miss the whole UHURU / BIWOTT saga but it’s

interesting the SCENARIO you painted for me against
TOTAL MAN in 2012 ……….

And with YOU as my CAMPAIGN MANAGER that

should be VERY VERY INTERESTING !!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you think of your NEW ROLE ………. the

grandmother of my child and my campaign manager as
well ????????????????????? Not bad eh !!!!!!!!!!!

I shall call you tomorrow and we can discuss this


Have a DREAM-FILLED evening and think GOOD

THOUGHTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of LOVE,


I then replied the following day:

This is just a warning – I am going out at a.m. and will

not be back before 7 p.m.

Since the pressure is taken away from me (you know

about my complexes to be too old and all the rest –

which Sassa always calls ‘rubbish and nonsense’), I can
again think about you and all your ‘capabilities’ with a
relaxed smile ………..

But to be honest, I still would like to find out if you are

really that good !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So in case we do not talk before the end of the day,
have a nice and relaxed and enjoyable weekend.


He then really tried to call me – but I had already gone

out – so he wrote afterwards:

So sorry I missed you, Darling …… I was really looking

forward speaking to you ……

I might be working for INSIDE AFRICA on Saturday and

if I am, I shall definitely call you…..

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I protested:

One small complaint: I would like to fall under the

category ‘pleasure’ and not under ‘work’ ….. don’t you

Anyway, have a nice weekend and until another time

when maybe pleasure can be exchanged with


But this he did not accept and called me later in the

“ How do I know it will be ‘pleasure since we have never

met to find out – if you would have come to Cape Town,
then maybe I would not need to continue guessing and
dreaming …………”

I then wrote the following day, Sunday, December 10th:

Although you were right when making that remark, the

real question should have been: did we ever intend to
find out?

I guess not since dreaming and talking about it seems to

have been more exciting than to try to experience the

Don’t you agree?

Anyway, I have seen die Diamond-Report – very well

done and very professional as usual …………

You are really a good journalist – no doubt about that -

at least……


Monday, December 11th, started with another series of

‘interrogations’ …….. what I had done in Seville and with
whom - ‘tell me everything’ ……

I told him again that this is not his business …… and

then I also wrote:

And still even if I made love to somebody else and found
out that I am still ‘very capable’, don’t worry since it has
made me even more curious to know how it would be
with you……………………..

All the challenge is still there to get to know that part of

you ……

I mean all - and not just ‘a’ part …..

So if you want to make a comment on this, I am at your

disposal – preferable on the computer since talking
about this is difficult for me.

And just in case, you want to put the question but don’t

I spent that night in Seville with a Military Adviser of the

American Air Force originating from the Bahamas – very
attractive and of African origin …..I enjoyed it and so did
he ……………..

But I caught myself sometimes thinking why it could not

be you …..

So now you can smile and be happy ……….


And this really turned him on……….. he called

immediately …… first at 11 a.m. and then again at 5 p.m……

Always the same subject: “Why did you not wait for me
– and then: you really prefer ‘blacks’ …. don’t you ????????”

Although I was a little bit angry about this last remark,
I had to laugh since he showed with every word how jealous
he was ……….

One remark he made at the end of our conversation

about Dr. Mungai was a bit disturbing – so I wrote later:

One remark of yours today continues disturbing my

conscious …….. if I have understood well………….

“…….if ever you come again together with Dr. Mungai, I

step out since one Kikuyu is enough …..”

My Love, even if I make peace with Njoroge, it does not

mean that I am ever planning to make again love with
him ….

So why for heaven’s sake should you worry - since you

are the only one (at least the only one in Kenya) I could
think of …….

Relaxed ????????????


The result of this email was another phone call by Jeff.

This time he really went into his favorite subject:

making love ……. and knowing very well how to embarrass
me, he started to talk about making love with the mouth,
entering me with his tongue …….

And assuring me – or at least trying to - that I would

also love it ……… and this in all details just laughing off all
my protests …………….

At the end he wished me Good Night and “ Sweet
Dreams ………”


The following morning I wrote:

This will make your day !!!!!!!!!

Our telephone conversation late last night had one result:

I dreamed about making love to you for the whole night –
I only woke up at 9:30 a.m. and I am still tired …..

But now I come to the main reason for this mail:

I know – since you told me – that you like to make love

with your mouth and tongue.

You realized when you spoke about this that I hesitated

and I also explained to you that I always had problems in
allowing a man to do this.

The reason is that I always felt it to be the most intimate

thing and I also felt that it was me loose completely to
my feelings – something I always feared.

And now you can really start laughing ………….

I love you very much …


He then really called back - laughing and enjoying the

idea …… in all details ……. until I asked him to stop ……

At the end he remarked:

“Are you panicking ……..????????? Please don’t …….. I

assure you, you will love what I will be doing to you - trust


Later that day - after having seen his report on CNN

International – I wrote:

Let’s forget talking about sex and all the rest ….

I just saw your report on CNN about the Botswana

Bushmen ….

You are a real good journalist and you give that certain
human touch to all your stories ….

Therefore one question: how do you do this? How do

you find these people for your stories? And most
important: how do you feel about this – getting their
trust in you – do they know what you say about them?

I am very proud of you – much more than I have ever

been about myself since I feel that you are making a
difference – which I tried but somehow never did.

I envy you.


Jeff then replied the following morning:

Thanks for watching, my LOVE ….. I meant to call and

alert you …… but as always you are AHEAD OF THE

I have an important script I’m working on for today ….
once done I’ll have some time and I’ll try and call later.

Have a GREAT day …..


When he called later that day, he proposed that I

should come to South Africa together with my daughter – if I
really wanted to become the ‘grandmother’ of his child …..
and when I started laughing,

he then added in writing:

I’ll MAKE you SMILE a lot more when you get here…..

So now the BALL IS IN YOUR COURT ………..

Let’s start working on your GRANDCHILD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…… in the meantime, I’ll be LIVE on CNN in an hour-

and-a-half (6:30 p.m. your time) ….. if you’re around to
WATCH ……..



After watching him, I wrote:

You looked very pleased with yourself and I loved that.

For the first time I saw you smile during a report – and
sometimes stumble and search for words.

I liked that – it made you human and not the ‘perfect
man’ as usual ……..

In a few words: I admire you – like many other women I

guess ………..


And Jeff shooting back immediately:

Ha Ha Ha ……. you don’t MISS a thing, DO YOU ?????

Thanks for watching, my LOVE …… that really makes

me SMILE now …..

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


But the following day the ‘old’ Jeff was back – jealous
like hell – when I told him that I was going again to Seville
the following weekend –

Just read this – sent via his BlackBerry:

Oh, you’re going to FUCK that military attaché all

weekend long??????

Aren’t you the lucky one !!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to dinner with some friends but going back to

the office to do a last-minute request …..

So how about a call around 10 p.m. your time ……

TODAY ??????????

And my short reply to this – still angry:

Reply to your first question: yes, I will ……….

Reply to the second part: yes, please call me even if it is

after 10 p.m. - but today - not tomorrow …..

But later that evening he wrote:

Sorry, I just got a call from Atlanta and they don’t want
the story that they said they wanted earlier ……


That means I won’t be going back to the office ….. and I

guess we’ll chat on Monday ….

After your FUCK-FILLED weekend ………

Enjoy and try to think of ME in YOU while he is IN

you ……….. smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of LOVE …… always!!!!!!!!!!!


I replied:

You seem quite frustrated……

But don’t worry, I will think of you – and I still hope, you
understand why ….

I really would love you to be in his place – but he does
not deserve to be just a ‘replacement’. At least that’s
how I feel.

I like to give the man I am with – any man – the feeling

that he is the only one on earth I want to be with –
because that’s how I feel and how they feel when being
with me.

Too much to ask ???????????????

I still love you - ‘father of my future grandchild‘ !!!!!!!!

So smile, please …… and also enjoy your own weekend.

Is there a chance to call me tomorrow morning – on your

Blueberry - even if your phone calls are restricted to the
times if and when you are in the office?????


And his instant reply:

First of all it’s called a BlackBerry …… and yes, I’ll call u

tomorrow BEFORE you go to enjoy your SEXUAL
ESCAPADES !!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodnight, my LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!

But when he called the following morning, on Friday

December 15th, he started another fight in demonstrating
his jealousy in very ‘frank’ words ……..

And after having finished his call, he even added via his

Go and enjoy your FUCKING weekend ….. and I mean
that really literally ……………………..

I was mad about his reaction and mainly about his dirty
language and wrote:

Is this really you talking like that ??????????

Please come down and become sensitive again.

He then called and apologized and explained that he

was almost out of his mind thinking that another man could
do what he was dreaming of and this idea was driving him
crazy and not letting him sleep ………….


And now you can ask yourself ‘what was wrong with
this man?’

He must have known by now that his wife was pregnant

….. and still he continued like she was not even existing…….


Just read what he wrote to me the following Monday,

December 18th after he had called me in the morning
starting again to talk of having a child with my daughter….

I told him that I had seen in the Mashada Files a photo

under the title ‘Jeff goes Indian’ showing him with a
beautiful young woman – ‘her name is Shaila – correct’?

He then wrote – obviously angry and very upset:

Yes, I do have a BEAUTIFUL wife …… and yes, SHE IS

Kenyan Asian …..

So what’s the point????????? You knew that from the


Sassa is also MARRIED ….. and I’m sure to a BEAUTIFUL


But what we both DON’T have is an HEIR …… a

KENYAN CHILD to do what MUST be done …..

She is the PERFECT candidate ….. I’m the PERFECT

candidate …..

So let’s DO this …… there’s NO point in arguing or

DEBATING the issue ….. it’s like comparing APPLES to

I still WANT Sassa ……. very much ….. and I want to

give you a GRANDCHILD ………

So let’s DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I then told him that I was going to Switzerland to spend

some time with my daughter and would come back only after
Christmas, maybe even only at the beginning of January…..

He replied:

Remember, someone in AFRICA loves you very much
….. and it’s NOT Njoroge !!!!!!!!!! (smile….)

Lots of LOVE and Merry Christmas !!!!!!!!!!!



And with this the year 2006 ended ……..crazy ……..….

………….but the worst was still to come ……………


You could give me a kiss,
That would sizzle to the core;
Yet I’d not be appeased
If you gave me a dozen more.

You could hold me close

To warm this heart of red
Yet you’d find that my
Desire had not fled.

You could visit me at night

And please me with your touch.
Yet come the dawn,
I’d want you just as much.

You could try something old,
Or something new and improved,
Yet my hunger for you
Could never be removed.

You could kiss me, hold me,

And vow your love so true,
But no matter what you do,
I’ll never get enough of you.



I believe that children are our future.
Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Show them all the beauty they possess inside.
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier.
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.

Everybody’s searching for a hero.

People need someone to look up to.
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs,
A lonely place to be –
So I learned to depend on me.

I decided long ago

Never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed –
At least I will live as I believe.
No matter what they take from me,
They can’t take away my dignity.

Because the greatest love of all

Is happening to me.
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me.

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve:
Learning to love yourself –
It is the greatest love of all ………….

After a long ‘Christmas-Break’, we started again
communicating on January 7, 2007, when I congratulated
Jeff to his 41st Birthday.

I wrote:

Happy Birthday …… all the best and may God help you to
make all your dreams come true.

I will look Anderson Cooper on Monday – actually

Tuesday night - showing your Report on Oprah.

So you see, I still care enough to risk another ‘sleepless

night’ …..

Now go and enjoy your Birthday………


He replied very early in the morning although it was a

Sunday via his BlackBerry:

Thank you very much …..

God Bless you too!!!!!!!!



Before continuing with our correspondence, I would

like to share the following article Jeff wrote regarding
Oprah’s involvement in South Africa ……

You will realize how deep Jeff got involved and how
strong his feelings were which was then also becoming more
than obvious to all the people watching his interview with
her…….. and in the comments he then sent to me.

But when reading his article very carefully, you will

also note that this is a man ‘looking down’ on Africa – a man
who seems to have ‘outgrown’ or at least who tries to forget
his own personal background and roots …….

Just listen to this:

I’ve been covering this continent for a dozen years. There’s

very little about Africa that I haven’t seen, heard, smelled or felt.

As a reporter, I’ve been in parts of Africa that can only be

described as Godforsaken, covering stories as varied as famines in
Niger, civil wars in devastated regions like Darfur and the victims of
civil wars in Uganda and Sierra Leone and mass rapes in the Congo.

I’ve been up close and personal with the most bizarre

characters in war-ravaged places like Liberia, people who preferred
to go into combat dressed in ways more fitting for a circus than a
battle zone and rubbed shoulders with child soldiers barely old
enough or tall enough to be carrying weapons of war.

And in nation after nation, one recurring image will always

haunt me – the faces of those children scarred by war, famine,
disease, children forced to become adults in the blink of an eye,
children who will never be able to just be kids again.

These are the times that I - as an African and as a reporter -

ask myself, “How much worse can things get for my people?”

But there are rays of hope. We saw one last week. Oprah
Winfrey’s decision to spend tens of millions of dollars of her own
money to help educate children she’s never known in a land so far
away from her own.

I remember meeting Oprah back in August in Soweto, a
sprawling ghetto in Johannesburg, where she’d been visiting some
of the finalists for her school. She wanted to know how each of the
girls lives and what kinds of homes they come from.

I remember one girl’s mother, overcome with emotion. So

touched she was over Oprah coming to her humble home. “You
know what”, she said, “I was thinking angels were white and they
have wings and we only have angels in heaven, so now I can see
that we are living in this world with angels. Oprah, you’re an angel,
an angel from God.”

Oprah instantly burst into tears.

Many are quick to criticize Oprah’s philanthropy. Why spend so

much on just one girl’s school, they ask. Why couldn’t she have
spent that money building several schools throughout Africa? Why
not keep the money in the United States and help educate American
kids instead? Is this school just for blacks?

“This school is open to all girls who are disadvantaged – all

girls, all races who are disadvantaged,” Oprah responds. “And we
all know that the most disadvantaged in this country is with black
people. We have white girls in this school, Indian girls in this school,
what you call colored girls in this school, and we have black girls in
this school, Hindu girls in this school, Muslim girls in this school, and
Christian girls in this school.”

Of course, Oprah didn’t have to do this, investing in this

leadership academy for girls, young women she’s now all – but
adopted as her own.

Back in August, just after she’d announced the first class of

her academy and the girls were busy jumping for joy on stage,
Oprah turned to the girls’ parents and grandparents and guardians
and said something I’ll never forget.

“For many years, people always asked me why didn’t I have
children? Why didn’t I have children? Now I know why I didn’t have
children. Because I now have all of these daughters, all of these
daughters and I want you to know that these are now our

This past week, as Oprah gave me a tour of her school, as we

walked around the beautifully manicured gardens and pristine
buildings, she seemed to be at peace with herself.

“This is me,” she said, “These girls are a reflection of me, and
I’m 100 percent certain that this school will produce the leaders of

There’s an African proverb my mother passed along to me that

goes something like this, “Education is like a garden - you water it
and it blooms - you neglect is and it shrivels up and dies.”

In this tiny corner of Africa, one woman is busy watering the

gardens of tomorrow – one girl at a time.


After having seen his Report on Oprah’s School, I wrote

on Tuesday, January 9, at 4:13 a.m.!!!!!!!!:

A sleepless night worth it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am impressed - Oprah and Anderson Cooper will for

sure be proud of you – this was one of your best ‘shows’
I have seen up to now.

You are really good and you can bring your stories to the
hearts of the people – and to mine.



And his instant reply via his BlackBerry:

I am glad you stayed up to watch it ……………

One of the PROUDEST moments of my life ……..

And I poured my heart out like I’ve never done


Thanks for watching !!!!!!!!!!!!


I wrote back (still in the middle of the night at 5:24


I have realized that - it was very moving and not just a

‘show’ …..

This was you with all your heart ……


And Jeff’s instant reply:

……… She’s an AMAZING woman ……… and what a

presence …… just being there with her ….. and she
‘trusting’ me and my reporting (because as you’d expect
she’s very protective of her reputation and didn’t know
where I was going with the whole interviewing thing) -

But she was simply AMAZING …… and she’s done what

NO other man has been able to DO ……..

That makes her even more AMAZING !!!!!!!!!!

And you are right - I’ve never been so touched …… or
even so moved by one person’s actions ……. and so
genuine, so practical, so down-to-earth despite her
WEALTH and STATUS !!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


After having ‘digested’ his email, I replied:

You’re probably right - she is amazing and she has

remained what she most probably always was – a ‘human
being’ …….

Though having read about her in the Internet, I agree

with you that she must have been also sometimes been
very hurt by all the funny stories about her private life.

But then - of course - she trusted you because you are

like her and she must have realized that immediately.

She is very intelligent - and still a woman with a very

soft side and very strong feelings for others.
And that’s what I admire most in her.

Let me add something more: If I had not fallen in love

with you before - I would have done now ………

You do not have to reply to this last remark - just read

and believe it………


And again he repeated what he had said already before:

You’re right ………. I’ve never been so touched ……. or
even so moved by one person’s actions ……..

What a WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!!!


To this I replied:

When I saw the Report again, something struck me:

I realized that it was Oprah who has brought out the

best in you………. it was obviously her influence, her
personality and her enchanting way that has let you
‘loose your control………………

Am I right?????????????????

Oprah was very defensive in the beginning as she usually

is - but then something happened after she spoke to
you for a while:

There was a bond - a trust between her and you -

almost love ………….

Especially when she touched your hand, put her arms

around you - and so did you ………

And suddenly there were two people talking and feeling

the same ---- forgetting (at least that’s the impression I
got) that there was a camera catching this ‘special
moment’ between two people - two people sharing
the same feelings ………..

I am glad for you because I have never seen you so

happy before !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Jeff again:

I am glad you saw that … AMAZING isn’t it?????????????


I then told him that I had even opened a bottle of

Champagne and drunk a glass ‘in his honor’ ……

That was then the moment when he felt like calling -

telling me that the CNN-Conference would maybe take place
in London soon ……. and then he added in writing:

….. and how many GLASSES of French Champagne have

you had now ????????

Let’s wait and see what happens when we eventually

meet …..

Hopefully in a month or two when I head to London …….

I shot back:

I have to disappoint you - it was a waste of the whole

bottle since I only drunk one glass ……

And I still do not believe that we ever meet - but I still

hope – so let’s see……….



Endless longing ………..

Tonight the stars

Were fierce in their beauty,
And all because you came
To paint alters
In my sky.
And now you burn
In every drop of
My blood,
And I’m made of
Endless longing.



There never was a woman loved more,
From sea to sea or shore to shore.

Unmatchable beauty is what I find,

Each time I gaze at this girl of mine.

She could have found much more,

Had it been her plan.

But she honored and blessed me,

As she chose me as her man.

Astonishing and captivating,

A sight for all to see.

But her unmatchable inner beauty,

Is what really captured me ………..

J anuary 2007 found Jeff in Somalia……….. to cover
the deteriorating situation there.


But listen to what Jeff had to say on all this:

Stranded at the Kenya – Somalia Border …..

We’re on a mission …. to get to the village of Liboi on the

Kenya-Somalia border – a tiny spot on the map which has been the
entry point for many fleeing victims of Somalia’s clan wars since the
early 1990s.

We’ve chartered a plane in the Kenyan capital Nairobi (a six-

seater Cessna with a two-man crew and carrying 300 kilos of gear).
Destination, the tiny town of Dadaab in the country’s east.

The flight is smooth and uneventful, thanks to the experienced

German pilot who clearly knows his way around the thick clouds.
Along the way, we get an amazing double-view of the snow-capped
peaks of Mount Kenya and Kilimanjaro.

Two hours later, we’re in Dadaab and meet up with the rest of
our crew which drove up the night before. We pack the 4x4 and
head due east to the border. The roads are unbelievably bad, the
terrain inhospitable on a good day. I wonder to myself, even if the
Somalis refugees make it across the border, walking the 75
kilometers to Liboi under a 50-degree sun is suicidal at best.

Every now and then we see antelopes and other wild game
skipping across the landscape while a warthog and her little family
scamper at the sight of our loud and dusty vehicle.

Three hours later we finally get to our destination - the village
of Liboi a few miles way from the border………..

It’s literally a one-horse-town – dry, dusty, deplorable – with

families of refugees lining both side of the main dust-filled street:
Men, women, children and more children…..

We check into the only hotel available. It claims to offer five-

star service……

Actually it’s a dive with no electricity, a roach motel with no

running water but (thank God) cold soft drinks ……………..

We devour what seems a fridge-full of drinks, quenching our

thirst from the now unbearable heat……

It’s going to be a tough few days here ……… but I’m thinking of
the poor refugees stranded across the border with their few
belongings and fast running out of water and food.

At least we know we’ll be leaving this God-forsaken land in

just a matter of days………………..

But these refugees don’t know how long they’ll be in this ‘black
hole’ ………….. not wanting to return to Mogadishu due to fighting
and not knowing who will eventually come out to their rescue ……….

……. here in the middle of nowhere in Africa……..


On January 13, I wrote:

Are you still at the border of Somalia - or where else?

I know you are testing my endurance and patience ……
but still, please give me a short personal signal.


Understanding my worries, he replied immediately:


I hope you liked the program yesterday ………..

Still doing more stories ……….

This place is D E P R E S S I N G !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk soon,


After having seen the ISIDE-AFRICA version, I wrote:

My love……..
…...or should I better say ‘ hopeful lover ‘ ????????????

This is just to make you smile in a place like that…………..

Yes – I saw it – I even almost risked a car accident

because I was driving too fast back from Marbella and
there was a lot of traffic – but don’t worry - I made it
without getting myself into troubles …………… but Sue
who was with me could not refrain from making the
remark ‘ that’s really love’ ……….

So I am confirming herewith: ………I love you with all my
heart – as a woman and as a friend…………..


On January 14th, the then wrote:

The life of a refugee ………..

Thanks, my LOVE ……….it’s 2:30 in the morning and

we’re still EDITING our story …. we also plan to return
to Nairobi in the morning (I hope our plane arrives) and
continue doing the story for maybe a day or two there
….. get a government reaction or something ……..

As for sleeping conditions, we’re sleeping in tents on a

cold, hard floor, not unlike the refugees themselves …..

So you can say, I’m living the life of a refugee for a few
days …… NOBODY should ever say this is GLAMOROUS
business !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t wait for a HOT shower and a decent bed at the


Take care and talk soon, my SWEET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


To this I replied:

I saw the last report and as much as I felt sorry for the
people, I also realized how much their misery is affecting
you. And this also applies to your team, especially the
camera-man. You all are bringing the suffering of these
people to the world and I hope also to the hearts of
certain politicians.

How are you able to survive and sleep when you are
surrounded by this? I know you should stay ‘neutral’ –
but I do not believe that this is possible. At least not in
circumstances like this where you stay for days together
with them.

And I also do not think that you can just forget all this –
even if and when you finally reach Nairobi again and your
hopefully comfortable bed in the Norfolk.

These are my thoughts and feelings when I watch


I love you,


I can’t live without you.
I would breathe the air, and my heart would beat,
But I would not feel the joy of life.
My dreams would be lost like a leaf carted away by a storm.
I would gaze at the stars
Without appreciating the way they light up the sky.
I would pass the roses in bloom
Without noticing their beauty.
I would no longer look forward to each sunset and each dawn.
I would be broken,
Never to be mended again.
Winter would own my heart; its icy breath would steal
The warmth in my soul,
Because I could not smile without your love.
I could not know laughter or happiness.
If you were lost to me,
I’d have no reason to try, no reason to be.
You are my prayer,
My shelter from hopelessness and despair,
My sunshine, my light, my lazy days, my peaceful nights,
And only you can keep the spark in my soul burning.



Join me, my Love, in a night of romance –
Maybe dinner for two, or a moonlight dance.

Accompany me on a sunset stroll,

I must tell you how you’re my heart and my soul.

We could secretly meet at a charming café

Where we’ll wile the afternoon away.

Or let’s hide away in a cottage somewhere

And entice one another to a mid-day affair!

Meet me no matter the time or the place …..

I’m hopelessly longing for your embrace.

Join me, my Darling, whatever we do –

I just want to show you how much I love you…….

After having arrived in Nairobi,
Jeff informed me on
January 15 that the London-Conference finally had been

He wrote:

The time has come !!!!!!!!!!!!!

…. as I always say, GOOD THINGS come to those who

wait ………

I’ve just received an email from our bosses that that

‘delayed’ London meeting is now on …… it’s on the 21st
and 22nd of February and all CNN CORRESPONDENTS
from around the world are invited …..

I plan to leave Joburg the 19th and get there the 20th …..
that means, I have ALL of the 20th free (I’m sure the
bosses will have an ‘official’ dinner on the 21st or the 22nd
– so I’ll be busy those two evenings ….. and of course
meetings all day) – and I leave to return to Joburg the
night of the 23rd ………

So, this is the PERFECT time for us to finally meet and

‘do what we’re always wanted to do to each other’ !!!!!!!!!

This is the MOMENT ………… I suggest you plan to meet

me there ……… I’ll be staying at the KEMPINSKI on
Great Marlborough Street (as well ALL the CNN
Correspondents) - so I suggest you book yourself into
the Langham (used to be called the Langham Hilton) off
Oxford Circus ………..

I hope, you can make it …….. you have enough time to

‘get over’ your NERVOUSNESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me know …… I’m back in Nairobi and working on a
story for tomorrow …… so I’ll be busy but I will check my
mail every now and then ……….

I love you and NOW really looking forward ……… that’s

IF you can make it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


As a first reaction I wrote:

Me not nervous ?????????? You must be joking ………..

You may realize that you got me smiling and ‘planning’ ….

We will see what really happens – maybe at the last

moment I still ‘escape’ ?????????


Jeff then called …….. and got very upset when I started
having doubts about the whole meeting based on the fact
that I saw him quite occupied with CNN and maybe not
having much time for us ………

So the call ended with another ‘row’ and his final


Cool down …………. and then let me know if you are

coming to London ……..

It’s your decision…….. I CAN ONLY TALK FOR MYSELF:

YOU !!!!!!

I decided to put my thoughts and doubts into writing:

Having ‘cooled’ down ……….

I have two or three remarks to make:

Why do I have to stay in another hotel ?

Why do you have only time for me on the first day – the
first hours after your arrival? At least this is how I read
your today’s mail telling me that you are occupied the
following days and evenings …… and not even
mentioning the first night together?

I understand that you are occupied with CNN also for

some official dinners- but as said the last time “we have
always the nights together”…..

So why can’t I stay in the same hotel (you can easily

make the reservation for me in my name) and we could
spend the nights together ????????????

I have only one explanation for all these changes: you

are not coming alone to London and so I have to stay
‘out of the way’ ?

Or you want to avoid problems in case the ‘chemistry’ is

not functioning ?

I may be wrong about all this – at least I hope I am.


Jeff’s immediate reply – upset and angry:

WOW ….. PARANOID already ????????????????

I knew I shouldn’t have asked you to come to London…..
your mind starts racing into OVERTIME and you start
thinking such NEGATIVE thoughts …………..

First of all, I am COMING alone ……… and you can’t

stay in my hotel because ALL of CNN’s people will be
staying there and someone will see us either at the bar,
or in the lift or in the LOBBY ……..

Many of them know my wife …… so that’s NOT a GOOD

idea …………

Secondly, I know for sure CNN will have one of the

evenings as an ‘official’ one of dinner, etc. …… that’s why
I don’t want to commit to ‘every night’ ………

Thirdly, I’m coming in one day early so I can spend it

ALL with YOU ……….. I’m just trying to be considerate

If you’re NOT comfortable with that, then we can take

a pass and do it another time (which will probably be

Your choice: …………… one night ………. possibly two ……

is BETTER THAN NONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to you…….


When I did not reply immediately, he even called –

disappointed and angry – calling my still existing doubts
again ‘paranoid’ …………

I refused to comment on this and wrote instead:

Before we continue discussing this further: please don’t
use that stupid word of being ‘paranoid’ again ……..

I am just a woman being in love with you – but I want to

feel relaxed when we meet and I do not want to create or
to face problems.

This could damage everything we have or hope to have

between you and me.

So, I promise to be positive – at least I will try – but you

know me – so please be patient as you have always been
in the past.

I will make the reservation for the flight and then also for
the hotel.

I want you and I also want to make love to you …..

Do you still remember what you told me you would like to


Or do I have to remind you ???????????????


And here is the ‘old’ Jeff’s typical reply:

I don’t need reminding ………………. I have a mind like an

ELEPHANT AS WELL ……………….. smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking forward !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The following day, January 16th, I then wrote:

Something more ….. and then I promise to leave you in

peace for the next couple of days – at least on this

Can we agree that when we meet in London to first take

a little bit time to get to know each other, talk to each
other and see what happens then?

Maybe we like each other but not enough to pass on to

more? Can we promise to be honest about this, you and
me, without having to fear that the other one is hurt?

You are a very attractive man with a captivating

personality . I know or at least I can also very well
imagine that you are a good and experienced lover too.

I would like to find out everything about you – but I am

scared at the same time – but not scared enough to say
‘no’ to London……..

I really want to find out what it is all about ………..


He then called to assure me that I should not be afraid

- ‘you are in good hands, my Love – trust me’ ………….

Since he did not know yet his exact flight dates (the
reservation were being made via the office in Joburg) – and
he was still ‘chasing the Kenyans’ like I called it, I then

Please tell me the exact dates and times so I can make

my London reservations …….. I need the exact details for
the flight-bookings.

Would also be nice to hear your voice once again before
you are leaving for Joburg (and maybe tell me some
more details of your elephant-like-memory ………. and
something else).

Would be really fun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And his instant reaction:

All I know is that I’m leaving SA on the 19th ….. get in

sometime on the 20th ….. I suggest you leave Spain on
the 20th and get in by 2 p.m.(ish)…..

As for the ‘elephant memories’ ……… you’ll just have to

WAIT and SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha Ha Ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Shooting back, I wrote:

So I will make the flight reservation for the 20th – and

then the return flight for the 22nd (just in case).

You see, I have some trust in the ‘elephant part’ !!!!!!!!!

But I have to correct your statement: it is not ‘just wait

and SEE….’ - you should have said ‘just wait and

And now you can smile.


And Jeff:

…… ha ha ha ……….. I like that ¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is FAMILY ………… I’m going to spend the day with

my mother and sisters ……….. and get ready to head back
to Joburg tomorrow……….

Have a GREAT day ……. and good luck wit the


See you soon ………. and I really mean that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


He then called before leaving Nairobi – and I asked him

to confirm if I should make the hotel reservation for one or
two nights….

To this he replied on January 18:

I say stay until the 22nd …… and STOP thinking too

much about it ………. just RELAX and take it

It will be FINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRUST ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Soon after he went back to Johannesburg – and to his

wife ………….. who – as I later found out – was expecting
their first child and was in the third month pregnant ……….

You would expect Jeff to be the happiest man on earth,

won’t you?

But just listen and read the following:

On Monday, January 22nd, while being back in the

office he wrote:

Good morning ……….

How’s my Swiss Princess this morning?????? Hope

you’re feeling well and ready to tackle the week ……..

I finally got some rest ….. and a real bed to sleep in and
some real food to eat !!!!!!!!!!

I’m now back in the office and working on a couple of

things …… I have a story on ‘Sex Slaves’ in Uganda and
then I may be going to Nigeria later this week to do
another story ….. so as you can see I’m keeping myself
nice and busy until the 19th of Feb ……..

By the way, I didn’t tell you that on my last day in

Nairobi just before I was checking out at the Norfolk,
guess who talks in????????????? TOTAL MAN !!!!!!!!!

As usual he walked up to me and gave me a BIG HUG

(again, I wanted to run back to my room to take a
shower) ….. I also wanted to pass him your book and say
I just got a copy and wondered if he’d heard about it.

But since you’d signed it personally to me, I didn’t want

him to ‘make the connection between you and me’ !!!!!!!!!

But if you want me to pass him a copy with your ‘BEST

REGARDS’, please let me know ……… I can always be
your ‘messenger’ !!!!!!!!!!!

Miss you MUCH …….. and can’t wait to finally meet you,
talk with you, laugh with you ……. and MOST OF ALL
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


He then called the same morning and asked if my

daughter could not come together with me to

After having called, he even added in writing:

…………. and my SICK MIND is thinking what IF could

SAME TIME …………. TOGETHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Your turn to SMILE !!!!!!!!!!!!!


I did not take this whole matter serious and wrote back
– teasing him:

Yes – I am smiling, but I am not surprised - I knew

your fantasy would start racing ………

But no promise on this subject ……………….


And Jeff’s immediate reaction:

Ha Ha Ha ……. At least you’re keeping this option OPEN

……. I like that ……….. NOW it’s up to me NOT to
disappoint you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know me by NOW ………. I can TALK THE

TALK ……… and WALK THE WALK !!!!!!!!!!!!!

But just imagine the Menage a TROIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENCROYABLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My comment:

You are impossible – and you know it too well. You really
like this subject – true ???????????

I know also that you are good – you have this special
aura of being an excellent lover ……….. I am still working
on the German translation of my book and have reached
the chapter where I talk about the first night with Moi …..

But this makes things even worse – I really want you!!!!!


Jeff shooting back immediately:

How about this for a TITLE ………….. MARIANNE, MOI

and ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha Ha Ha ………………

And I:

Maybe …….. but are you sure ?????????????????


And Jeff:

Am I sure about what ?????????????????


My reply:

….. that he can compete with you - or you compete with

him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Jeff:

Now ONLY you would KNOW about that ………. but I

know he doesn’t EAT PUSSY ………. AND I DO

Ha Ha Ha ………… so at least I’m already ahead of the

GAME here ………………

My reply to this:

Now you finally reached what you may have intended

from the beginning when starting this subject: ‘I am
blushing ……….’

You are definitely too dangerous for keeping me on the

track of serious working ………….


And Jeff’s final comment on this first day in office on
January 22nd :

Now that my ‘JOB’ is done …… you can go back to

WORK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk later, my LOVE…..



What do you think now? Does this show a happy man

and future father - or just a man who has nothing else in his
mind than how to make love to somebody else ????

I guess, your answer to this question is the same as



Whisper my desire …..
I can see my body lying smoothly
Beside yours.
I can see all of me,
Offering all to you.
I’m kissing you,
Touching your face.
Your eyes are intense,
Studying me with need.
I could tell you more,
But I’d rather tell you
With me eyes next we meet.
Until then,
I’ll let these thoughts
Whisper my desire in your ears.

HIV ………..

Soul Mates ……..

Never have a felt more complete in life.

For you have fulfilled my heart and soul.

To my life you have brought such beauty.

The beauty of an unconditional love.

Never again shall I ever feel so alone.

For part of you shall forever live inside of my heart….

The softness of your voice when you say ‘I love you’

Touches my heart far more than you know ….

A love as such brings tears of joy to my eyes.

For never have I known ‘ This Miracle of Love ‘.

Since it had become more and more obvious that we
would finally meet and most probably also have a sexual
relationship, I found it necessary to touch also this subject.

But first I had to clarify something and therefore wrote

the following day, January 23rd:

I think I have to make a ‘confession’ since this is

bothering me for quite some time now:

When I met the American Commander in Seville, we did

not go up to the ‘last’ (as you once put it ….). Though it
was good for the rest – but no real sex.

The reason (and here we come back to the reason why I

had cut with Dr. Mungai those almost 13 years ago and
have also not been together with any other man since):

I was too scared because I did not know with whom he

had been together before me.

I thought you should know this before we meet in

London. You therefore be the first man since 13 years
with whom I really want to make love and more
important whom I would trust.

I have the strong feeling that I can. Funny isn’t it –

without knowing you personally you have given me this
impression and I never doubted it.

You don’t have to reply to this if you feel that this subject
is too sensitive for you to write about ………


But to my surprise Jeff replied immediately:

You see, you’re getting ‘better and better’ each day ….

I appreciate your trusting me on this ….. just as I trust

you …..

I thought for a moment you were going to ask me to

come with a ‘Doctor’s letter’ saying I was HIV-

You don’t have to worry, my Love ……

I LOVE myself too much and have TOO MUCH to live

for to jeopardize my life …… or YOURS …… for that
matter ……

So, relax, be cool ……. and PREPARE for the FUCKING

of your LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And thanks for being truthful about the American ….. I’m
GLAD you don’t take RISKS like that ……


And really looking for the next month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Moments after writing this letter, Jeff also called and

assured me that he was clean.

And then he insisted that I tell Sassa about it. And to

put more emphasis on this, he then wrote:

And tell her I would also LOVE to make love to HER ……

After ‘Mami’ of course ……..

And if she wants to see the ‘Doctor’s note’ before, I will
happily do so……

SMILE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Teasing him I wrote back:

I am smiling ……. and I am still hoping for that grandchild

you have promised …………..

And Jeff:

I always KEEP my PROMISES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


But that didn’t stop him from calling again soon after.
And this time he had a different question.

Why had I decided to stay away from men for so long?

What happened, my Love? Tell me ---- trust me ---- I
want to know everything about you …………

Knowing that he would continue putting me under

pressure, I decided that it would be better to reply

It all started in Tanzania when the wife of the then

President Ali Hassan Mwinyi had taken over the
patronage of the Aids-Orphans Foundation BONITE and

asked me if I would be interested to represent it in

I agreed and got the official Document signed by Fatma

Said Ali, Minister of State, Office of the President.

Since the whole issue was something I had heard and

read but never really knew about, I then asked Fatma to
take me to some hospitals and this was the most
shocking and sad experience of my life. You know how it
is – so you will understand.

I then also realized how careless and stupid I had been in

the past ……

Some relationships and even so-called ‘one-night-stands’

without thinking much about eventual consequencies.

Yes, with ‘good’ people or at least to be regarded like

that ……. but what did ‘good’ mean and how could I have
been really sure?

So my mind was made up: No more ‘playing around’…..

To be absolutely sure I then made an HIV-Test in

Switzerland and I will never forget the waiting for the
result not knowing what comes out. It was terrible –
since at that time you had to wait still almost 3 months
before being absolutely sure.

So when Njoroge came again to Zurich and I found out

that he had some one-night-stands in Geneva before
coming to see me (a girl in the Kenyan Mission told me
about it and when I confronted him he did not deny this),
I refused to spend the night with him and never had any
sex with him afterwards either ……….

Of course, he was upset and and it seems – according to
what my daughter later told me – he has never ‘forgiven’
me for not having ‘trusted’ him ……. But how could I????

So now you know the whole story ………..

Do you realize also how much you mean to me for being

able to talk about this?


Jeff replied immediately:

Honesty is the best policy, Darling …….. no hiding …….

I am just about to finish your book ……. amazing story-

telling …….

You capture Kenya like no-one I’ve ever known …….

NICE JOB, my SWEET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On January 24th I wrote very early in the morning:

Good morning …… actually a very early good morning,

my Love.

I got up at 5 a.m. and started working on the script while

listening to some nice music.

I love these early hours with everything quiet around me

– although of course I could imagine something better to
do than to work ……. but I can ‘survive’ until London …..

Now that you have read my story, you will have realized
that I try to preserve all the good memories about the
two most important men in my Kenyan life (two up to the
moment you entered, of course ….)

Besides all the bad things, there are still many good
things worth to remember and I prefer to think about
these and to forget the rest.

Especially regarding Moi I try to separate the man I knew

from the President he turned out to be mainly during the
last 10 years of his rule.

Why I say this? Because you once asked “and what will
you say about me – if ……..”! Now you know ………..


Jeff wrote the same day, later in the afternoon:

Sorry, Darling …… it was a BUSY day …….

By the way, if you’re up at 4 a.m. your time tomorrow

morning or is it 5 a.m. ???????? ….. check out Anderson
Cooper …… they have a SPECIAL on ENSLAVEMENT -
and a story there from Uganda ……..

It will SHOCK you to death !!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I can get you a DVD of Darfur …….. for Sassa
as well ??????????

Have a lovely evening …….

Kiss Kiss,


I confirmed to have seen the Report but had the
impression that he did not show everything just touching the
whole terrible story …….

To this Jeff replied via his BlackBerry:

No, you’re NOT right ……….. I showed everything I

could and what the victims told me ………

I’m not afraid to show anything I’m told or anything I see

…. it’s the only way to tell the viewers what these poor
people go thru ……..

Glad you saw it …….. just a glimpse of what we ‘live’ thru

and ‘encounter’ in our journey across this beautiful yet
desperately violent continent !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On the following day, Friday, January 26th, he then

informed me that he was getting ready to go to Nigeria over
the weekend ………

… so let’s chat next week when I’m in Nigeria ………..

I LOVE YOU, my SWISS PRINCESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!



If my lips claimed yours,
Would you kiss me back?
If I laid my cheek upon your chest,
Would you wrap your arms around me?
If I told you that I need you,
Would you hear my words?
If I told you that I love you,
Would you say you love me too?
If I asked you if you want me,
Would you whisper something touching,
Something urgent,
Something hot and passionate?
Or would you just answer me with a kiss?
If my lips claimed yours,
Would you kiss me back?????????


As long as there’s a breath left in your body,
………..there’s hope.

As long as mankind has prowled the earth,

Miracles have happened
restoring life and health.

As long as you have a loving heart,

God will send much warmth and love
to you in return.

As long as you’ve been alive,

God has been watching over you
and answering your prayers.

As long as the heaven and stars exist,

God will be there for you………

I am now coming to a very sensitive chapter – Jeff’s
infamous Report on the Nigerian-MEND-Group.

To avoid legal problems – CNN continues denying that

this Report was ‘stage-set’ as the Nigerian Government
claimed – you will find in this chapter all correspondence
which Jeff sent to me regarding this subject exactly as he
wrote it ……

I think it is not necessary to add any comment since

this subject has been discussed in detail already all over the
world by various media outlets and even during so-called
round-table discussions on television.

In this connection, I also wish to refer you to my letter

addressed to the CNN-President, Jim Walton, which is
published in the Prologue to this book…..


On January 28th , 2007, Jeff wrote:

Good morning from Lagos ……….

Flew in yesterday evening ….. and flying out again this

morning to the very dangerous ‘Niger Delta’ ….. where
rebels have been kidnapped foreign oil workers and
demanding ransoms ….. they’ve agreed to take us to the
DELTA and show us why they’re fighting …… wish me

I’m glad Sassa approves …… you see, patience IS the

GREATEST virtue ….. that grandchild of yours may just
happen sooner than you know …..

Enjoy your day ….. and I’ll email when I can ….. don’t
know when but you know I will when and IF I can ….

Kiss Kiss

‘Dream LOVER’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On January 30th:

Niger Delta ……..

Just got back from interviewing some VERY scary guys

in the Niger Delta …… BIG GUYS and BIG GUNS !!!!!!

Scariest thing I’ve ever had to do …… wait till you see the
STORY ….. it’ll make you think I’m REALLY CRAZY !!!!!

But it had to be done …… just so the WORLD can

KNOW !!!!!!!!!!

Story goes to AIR sometimes next week …… on

DOMESTIC of course ….. so that means you’ll have to
watch it at 4 a.m. your time ….. I’ll let you know …..

Other than that, just working on a couple of more stories

in Nigeria and probably leave for Joburg by the

Hang in there, my LOVE …… and STOP being nervous

….. it might AFFECT your PERFORMANCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


January 31st:

I wouldn’t know about Lagos night life as I only passed

through Lagos on the way to the Niger Delta on

I’m now in Abuja working on a couple of stories ….

arrived here this evening only to find your mail about
‘performance’ ………..

You must to be TOO sure of yourself as you keep talking

about it ………… WHY don’t you stop thinking about it
and so something about it on the 20th ???????????????

POLE POLE, my dear …….. don’t STRESS yourself too

much ……….. it’s going to be FINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just relax !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On Saturday, February 3, Femi Oke showed a report

Jeff had made earlier about the first black South-African
Surfer Champion.

At the end of her comments, she said something like:

“There was only one thing missing – I would have liked

to see Jeff on a surf board – I would even be willing to offer
some money to see him doing it – maybe 10 Rand or so …..”.

I found this remark funny and told him so.

But Jeff did not find it funny at all – here is his reaction
- while still being in Nigeria he wrote:

Honestly, I think it was a STUPID remark …….. she was
trying to be FUNNY and it didn’t come across that way
………. and then she mentioned Ten Rand …….. that
made it even WORSE …………….

Maybe it’s just me …….. maybe I’m too sensitive ……

maybe I just don’t LIKE HER !!!!!!!!!!!!! She looks like a
little school girl who gives what’s supposed to be a
SERIOUS program a ‘FUCKING JOKE’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But again, maybe that’s just me …………..

I LOVE YOU …………….


On February 6th he left Lagos and after having arrived

in Joburg he wrote immediately via his BlackBerry:

Just landed in Joburg ……….. and LOVE coming BACK

to CIVILIZATION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heading straight to the office !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk later.


After the Nigeria Report was shown on the AC-360

program on February 8th he wrote:

Thanks for staying up to watch, my LOVE …… it’s NO

DOUBT the craziest thing I’ve ever done …… and
sometimes I wonder whether I’m PUSHING THE
ENVELOPE too much …………

I don’t think it’ll play on INSIDE-AFRICA ….. but it’s
playing ALL DAY today ………. all the way into the
evening… try to see it ………

If not, I’ll definitely make a DVD and bring it to


What a night …… didn’t sleep until 3 a.m. ….. but as

ALWAYS, in the end, it’s WORTH it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk later.


A few hours later he added:

Still in the OFFICE ……….. EXHAUSTED as the story’s

become the BIGGEST thing today ……… I can’t even
think straight ………… need to go home and SLEEP !!!!!

And someone once said this is a GLAMEROUS JOB !!!!!!


On Monday, February 13th , the problems started

cropping up and Jeff wrote:


The weekend was just as hectic as the week …….

As you can imagine, the NIGERIAN Government has

come down hard to CONDEMN CNN’s coverage and has
written a formal letter of complaint to CNN’s

I was busy talking with CNN’s lawyers all weekend to
ensure them that my story was LEGIT and that I had all
the t’s crosses and I’s dotted ……

It was in a word STRESSFUL ……..

But I guess that’s the price of FAME ……. and I rest

assured knowing that we TOUCHED A RAW NERVE
inside the Nigerian Government ….. in other words,
here’s a SMALL victory for the ‘little’ guy ………..

I need a HOLIDAY …… and can’t wait for LONDON ……..

Don’t get too NERVOUS ………. I can sense it in your



February 14th was my birthday - Jeff wrote:

First of all, Happy Birthday, my LOVE ……. and you

thought I’d forgotten ……

Actually I just woke up after another ‘marathon’ of LIVES

on CNN, mostly in the US regarding the same Nigeria

See you Tuesday …….


On February 19th - hours before leaving for London –

Jeff wrote:

It’s been a HECTIC week and weekend …… we

OBVIOUSLY rattled a ‘snakes-pit’ and they’re coming

out with all sorts of ACCUSATIONS , trying to ‘kill’ the
messenger …..

The good thing is, we COVERED our tracks well and we

did everything according to CNN-Standards ……….

I leave Johannesburg later tonight and get into London

by 9 a.m. Tuesday morning …….. I’ll check into the hotel
and try to get some rest so I would say that by 4 p.m. on
Tuesday I should be ok …………. give me a call on that
London cell phone - (44) 777-553-8696 - and we’ll
make a plan to meet.

Safe travels and see you in London …………



The rest of the Nigerian Story is history ……… see also

my letter to Jim Walton, CNN President and other Officials
including Anderson Cooper and Oprah Winfrey dated March

In case you are interested to know more: ‘goggle’ Jeff

Koinange and you will find a lot on this subject.


Red rivers flow through our veins,
Blending with the blush of love upon our flesh
And we’re left trembling and aching,
As soft hands slide along subtle curves.
And hair falls over naked skin and we yearn
for this nearness of being possessed entirely.
Craving hungry kisses in the dark
That instills divine drunkenness
In the flesh and beyond.
And we listen to the music of the night,
An overture of two beating hearts
And a passion that’s greater
than the shining stars
in this magic we can only create together –
And without which we are nothing…

LONDON …………………..
FEBRUARY 20TH , 2007

We all want happiness
And dread the thought of rain.
When the sun fails to shine,
We worry and complain.

We forget that God above

Is infinitely wise,
And sometimes our ails
Are blessings in disguise.

For if we’re always happy

Filled with sunshine and cheer,
Our hearts would hold no mercy
For others who’ve shed tears.

So when trouble comes knocking,

Remember to stay strong.
Rainbows always follow the storm
And dark clouds never stay long.

If only I would have listened to my ‘inner voice’ which
clearly told me that I was a fool to believe that this man was
honestly in love with me ………

Instead, I believed those others – and that included

also my daughter who gave me her reasoning as follows:

“ Mami, just enjoy having a young and good lover ….

and be happy that it is somebody like Jeff ……. that’s all I
ask you ….. and please forget your doubts” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


……..GOOD LOVER ????????????

I even started having doubts about that ………….

but trying to put these lingering questions behind me, I
decided to take the risk ……….

But just in case, it turned out to be a ‘disappointment’,

I decided to at least make sure that the whole trip was worth

I called former Scotland Yard Superintendent John

Troon (we knew each other since he had led the
investigations in the killing of the former Minister for Foreign
Affairs, Dr. Robert Ouko, on request of the Kenyan
Government and we had kept contact since).

We agreed to have dinner on one of these two nights I

was planning to stay in London.

In order to fix the exact date, I asked Jeff which of
these two evenings I should reserve for him and which one
for John Troon.

Jeff’s reaction was surprisingly angry, almost

aggressive - here is what he replied on February 15 :


You should be VERY careful where you’re going with


I told you I would make all the arrangements and that

I’m the one who invited you to LONDON …….I didn’t
invite you to leave you ‘stranded’ so I hope this is the
LAST time we’re discussing this……

Your PARANOIA is beginning to ANNOY me and YES I

am OFFENDED!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should know by NOW that I am a man of my

WORD ……. and IF I say let’s MEET in LONDON that’s
what I mean ……..

Let’s NOT get into an ARGUMENT at this late



When I received this mail, I wanted to cancel the

whole trip - but the flight and the hotel were booked and
already paid for since it was a birthday present by my
daughter ……….. so I decided to take the ‘dive’ ………

If only I had known ………………


Some people who have read my blog, started to accuse
me to be ‘obsessed’ by Jeff ………..

That’s not true ….. but I am obsessed to tell the truth

no matter which picture you could get of me in this whole

I do not intend to paint myself innocent and only him

the guilty one – the way I see it, we have been in this
together. But the ‘end’ I never did foresee nor did I ever
think it could happen this way …….

And that’s why I want others to know who and what

Jeff Koinange really is.

‘The REAL JEFF - as he once told me - is NOT the

man you see on TV - that’s NOT me - this is just SHOW
….. the REAL ME is totally different …… and I am trying to
HIDE that part of me from the public ………..’

So everybody should realize this:

There are some very dark sides hidden behind that nice
smiling face and the tempting soothing voice …….


I arrived in London on February 20th around midday.

When I checked in at the Holiday Inn – Forum Plaza - I

had expected to find at least a welcoming message from Jeff
– or some flowers and maybe even a bottle of

But there was nothing at all and that should have been
a first strong warning what to expect …… since it was so

much in contrast to what he had promised to me before in all
his ‘romantic and loving’ mails how he would conduct and
organize our first romantic encounter ……….

I still decided to give him a ‘chance’ and left a message

in his hotel and on his cell phone telling him that I had

Finally, Jeff called me back more than 3 hours later,

around 4 p.m., announcing that he would be at my Hotel
around 6:30 p.m.

He proposed that we should meet in the Lobby, take a

drink and then go out for dinner, most probably at the

So I dressed up for such an exclusive place – but he

came just wearing black trousers and a black sweater (a
little bit like the MEND people in his Nigeria Report).

I made a remark to this asking if he was really seriously

planning to have dinner with me since as you may know, the
London Top Restaurants have a quite strict dress-code for
the evening.

But he assured me that his outfit was ok - ‘why – what’s

wrong with what I wear?’

We then talked for about an hour, sitting in the Lobby,

sipping a glass of wine (we really both had just one glass
each – Jeff red and I white wine) – so alcohol is not an
excuse for what has happened later.

Although I should have been warned: In the middle of

our conversation - mainly about the Nigeria Report, his
problems with the CNN Lawyers which were still going on
also in London – people we both knew in- and outside Kenya

etc. - , he all of the sudden stopped and said “ I want to
make love to you ….. now “!!!!!

I started laughing and trying to tease him, I said, “

You are crazy. Have you forgotten, we just have a date for
dinner ….. that’s it – at least for now.”

But he insisted, “But I am ready ….. so let’s do it…..


After this he must have realized that I felt quite

embarrassed, so he quite reluctantly returned to our former
conversation - and I felt again ‘safe’………..

Especially since something quite strange had happened

– at least to me:

If you have read our former correspondence well, you

will have realized that we spoke a lot about a certain
‘chemistry’ between us – an almost sexual attraction.

But when I saw him there in London and after having

spoken to him for some minutes, I realized that – at least
for me – this feeling had totally disappeared like it had
never even existed.

…….Yes, he was an intelligent man – nice talking to –

but nothing else ………….

I saw him as a quite insecure young man craving for

attention …… not at all the man I had seen on TV and
definitely not the man who had written to me all those love

To me he was like an ‘empty shell’………….

Based on this impression, I felt ‘superior’ and in
control like I had always been in my life when it came to
having a relationship:

I decided with whom and when and how …. not only at

the start but mainly when and how to finish it ………

But how wrong I should be in this case ………


Since I felt quite ‘overdressed’ compared with his outfit,

I told him that I would prefer to go to my room and change
into something less fancy.

He agreed and asked if he could come up also since he

wanted to call his people to see if everything was ok. I told
him to give me 15 minutes so I could change before.

And then I made a big mistake - I had two passes for

my room and gave him one…… still feeling to be in total
control of this situation.


I was in the bathroom when he entered my room

already after 5 minutes and not 15 minutes as I had asked

Without any warning he opened the sliding doors of my

bathroom – pulling me out telling me “Don’t be shy with

And then the big shock: he was already naked ….. he
then pushed me on the bed and in seconds tried to enter

I struggled and asked him several times to stop this -

but he forced himself into me and that’s when he must have
hurt me …..

He held my arms down and started kissing me in a very

brutal way - maybe he wanted to stop me from

He realized the pain in my face since he even made the

remark, “Did I hurt you? Do you have pain?” …..

I started crying and begged him again several times to


But he only said, “I can’t - so let me just finish…..”

and continued.

Every move he made was like a knife was going deeper

and deeper in me cutting me apart …… it was horrible.

When he finished – yes, he even had an orgasm – he

turned around and for abt. 3 minutes he was lying on his
stomach next to me without saying one word. I was still
crying, shocked and devastated.

He then got up and still naked, he even made the

phone call he originally had come for.

I heard him talking and even laughing to somebody for

abt. 10 minutes - I later checked the number he had called
(020 – 76931670). It was a Cell Phone belonging to
Alphonso van Marsh, CNN London.

After having finished his phone conversation and
without even having used the bathroom to clean himself, he
got dressed.

I then noticed that he did not even wear any

underwear – not even socks – just these black trousers, a
sweater and a sort of black soft-leather boots.

He then turned around to me saying “I am sorry, but I

have to go” – and just touching my cheeks – still wet from
my tears - with his fingertips, he left.


And that was the last I saw or heard from him during
the following two days I still stayed in London……


After he had left, I then saw the blood on my body and

on the bed sheets and I had only one thought: to wash away
this ‘dirt’ ……

Like if I was cleaning my body, I could also clean my

mind and maybe even wash away the memory of what had
just happened to me.

So in spite of still having pain, I took a shower and

stayed under the running hot water for more than half an
hour ………


But now comes another thing: As I said, he had a
‘pass’ to my room and since I discovered after he left that he
had taken it with him, I always feared that he could come
back maybe even in the middle of the night ……… I almost
did not dare to sleep because of this ……..

And as it came out later, he had really tried on the

second night ……….

After I already sent the letter to CNN and he started

calling me again, he first asked me not to tell my daughter
anything since he was still interested to get to know her and
then he asked if my daughter liked the DVD’s he had left in
my Hotel for her …………

I did not even know what he was talking about - he

then told me that he had come to my hotel but the Night
Concierge had stopped him since he was not a registered
guest of the hotel – so he had left an envelop for me with
these 3 DVD’s (one about Darfur, one regarding Somalia
and another one called ‘Oprah’s School’).

I contacted the Holiday Inn and got the confirmation

about this. The Manager apologized for not having given me
the envelop when I checked out. They then sent everything
to me by DHL.

Besides the DVD’s the envelop contained also a

handwritten note by Jeff that he came to my hotel at 4:20
a.m. after having had a ‘life’ for Anderson Cooper 360 …. and
then also the ‘pass’ to my room ………. which I still have in
my files now ……..


So now you have the ‘whole’ picture. Believe me, it is
not easy for me to write about this. But I think I have to.

I have made many mistakes – the biggest was to trust

him – then the other to give him the ‘pass’ and to allow him
to come to my room.

But again: I was trusting him ….. and I also felt being
experienced enough to control such a situation.


Many people have asked me why I did not go to the

Police ……….

The answer to this is very simple: I felt ashamed ….. I

started to blame myself for having been so stupid to trust

And I am still ‘paying’ for this since I am still

undergoing some medical treatments for the injury I
sustained ……

Still – it seems – I am lucky in one way: the testing for

HIV has finally come out negative.

But my Doctor – who is also a personal friend – told me

that Jeff must have known very well about his Herpes-
Infection since he believes that this is the reason why he and
his wife did not have a child although being married for more
than 8 years ….. only since a short while ago, special
antibiotics can reduce the reaction of Herpes in the sperm of
a man and at least reduce the eventual damage this infection
can cause to the child ………….

And there is another advise my Doctor gave to me:

‘Continue talking about it ……. ‘healing’ includes mind

and body – and talking about it and reaching out to other
women who have endured the same you did, will help you.

And in going through your correspondence with Jeff, it

will help you to understand ….. to realize how and why all
this happened…… only then, your body – and also your mind
– will come to rest …… and if you can help other women to
heal too, that’s even better.”


I agreed and that’s why I have written this book …….

going on my personal ‘Memory Lane’ …………


But let’s go back to London and its ‘aftermaths’ ……..




He can calm the troubled waters
When you walk in dark despair.
There is hope when you feel helpless
Knowing that the Lord is there ……..

Sharing in your sunshine moments

Or in valleys deep and wide,
He will never, ever leave you –
He is always by your side.

There’s no other friend so faithful

Through the sunshine and the rain.
Through the teardrops and the laughter,
In your joy and in your pain.

We could never, ever thank Him,

For His love He gives so freely,
Never changing … never ending…
Throughout all eternity………………..

When I had dinner with John Troon and his wife the
following evening at the Royal Military and Naval Club, I
decided that it was better not to talk about the evening

John would have insisted that I should go to the Police

and denounce Jeff - and that was something I knew I could
not go through at the moment ……

I first had to come to terms with myself before being

able to talk about this to third parties and therefore did not
even tell my daughter anything yet.

But John must have realized that something was


During our conversation he told me that he had been

very surprised and almost shocked to hear that I was
meeting Jeff Koinange.

“Don’t you realize that he may have set you up? - He is

known to sell his soul for a good story’. - I thought you to
be more intelligent to trust such a man.”

He then also told me in very strict words that I should

have never booked myself into a hotel under my real name
since my life – especially when a man like Jeff knows where
I am staying – is still in great danger.

I had to promise never to do this again and if ever I had

to come to London I should call him and he would make the
necessary reservations for me.


There was no message or phone call from Jeff during
the rest of my stay – a total silence ……..

Only when I was just about boarding the plane, my cell

phone rang. He knew the schedule of my flight and
therefore must have felt ‘safe’ to call me knowing that I was
about to leave.

I decided not to take his call – he rang three times more

– and again when I landed in Malaga 3 hours later……..

And there in the comfort of my apartment, I finally had

the courage to call my daughter and to tell her everything.


The following day, February 23rd, I then wrote to Jeff:

I was really tired and every exhausted – so I decided not

to take your yesterday’s phone calls. You also did not
consider that we are here one hour in advance and I had
gone to sleep already to bed and just started to sleep
(finally after two nights without sleep in London).

My only worry now is my health status and then how to

carry on trying to forget the whole ‘episode’ Jeff

One way would be to publish all our correspondence from

day one in the Internet – title: “Jeff Koinange – the real
man behind the scenes – a warning to all my Sisters out


To this he replied immediately via his BlackBerry:

I’m asking you as a friend and as a confidante, please do

not do that !!!!!!!

PLEASE !!!!!!!!!

You will ruin both you and me forever …. think about it

and let’s talk when I’m back in Joburg ….. I’m leaving
now !!!!!!!

A few minutes later he added again via his BlackBerry:

I wish you knew what I went through the last two


As for your ‘health’, I can assure you that you are

ALRIGHT …… in fact I can PROMISE you that …… as
you know I would NEVER put you in any danger ….. I
told you that once before …… and I am a man of my

As for publishing my mails, if you, Marianne, want to be

the woman who will DESTROY the reputation I’ve
worked so hard to build, to DESTROY the trust I put in
you to write from the heart, that will really break my

Take care and please don’t worry about your health ….

you’re a strong and very healthy woman.


Do you realize that there is no word of regret, no

explanation nor apology in this mail …????

So I replied:

From next week onwards you can read about you and me
on my blog – “Jeff Koinange – the real man behind the
scenes – a warning to all my Sisters – and Brothers – not
to fall into his trap like I did ……”

The blog will be sent to all TV- and Newspaper-outlets

including some friends in Africa.

I am sorry – but you and your behavior with me – and I

am sure with other women and also with men – has
forced me to do this.

You have damaged not only my body but also my pride

and I am not willing to accept this.


And again his immediate reply via his BlackBerry:

If that’s how you feel, then all I can say is SORRY from
the bottom of my heart and I hope you can find it in your
compassionate heart to forgive me and give me ONE
more chance to make it up to you ……..

I at least deserve that ….. one chance ….. if I FUCK-UP

then you can do whatever you want !!!!!!!!!!!!

To this I replied:

Which chance? What do you think you can correct?

Being a lover as you promised to be? Being a man who
cares as you said you do? Being somebody I could trust
completely as you begged me I should?

Who is the real Jeff Koinange?

In my memory it is the man who forced himself on me

and then left me there in that hotel room – having seen
and realized that I had pain – who left without looking

Only now – when you fear I could talk – you come out of
hiding and beg me to forgive you.

So give me one reason why I should. You have and you

never had any feelings for me – all these sweet words
were just empty promises given under false

So again my question: how do you think you could ever

make up to this? And how and why should I ever trust
you again?

He then also called – already being at the Airport to

board the plane to Johannesburg.

When I answered his call, I immediately realized that

this had been a mistake because the only reason why he
called was to ask me NOT to tell my daughter anything …….


After this I had another sleepless night and the

following day, Saturday February 24th, I then wrote to him:

The image of a face ……..

After you had left me alone in the hotel and after having
taken a long shower trying to ‘clean’ myself, I tried to

sleep – but one face appeared again and again in front of

The sad face of the beautiful girl of your Congo-Report on

the Raped Women. The empty and sad expression on
her face – and this is haunting me since then. It is
exactly how I felt during these days when you left me
alone after what you had done to me ….. and not even
tried to call to find out how I felt.

And to think that you received your honors and awards

exactly for these Reports on mistreated women – what a
joke …. and how sad just to think about this. How these
women believed in you – trusting you with their sad
stories – and the world seeing in you a sensitive and
compassionate journalist …….

How wrong we all have been because the reality and my

experience with you has proved all this false.

But as you wrote to me once: “This is all just a show –

this is not the real me.”

I did not understand then what this meant. Now I know.

And then the biggest joke of all: Even in this moment

you still think you could have a relationship with my
daughter and asking me not to tell her anything what has
happened in London because you are still interested in
getting to know her (and having a child with her …….)

You must be really crazy just to think that I would ever

introduce my daughter to you after what has happened to

And now you even ask me to ‘forgive’ you – to allow you

a second chance – that you deserve this at least …..

You had all the chances in the world – but you have lost
each one of them.

And I am also of the opinion that you have not only lost
your humanity, but you must have sold your soul to the
devil (maybe to a devil like Biwott?????).





Trouble arrives in measures and we stack it up real high,
Until we’re convinced,
we have no reason to try.

If you feel defeated, you’re absolutely wrong,

For if you follow your dream,
You could never lose for long.

Ignore the minor set-backs that pile up and trouble you,

Or you will build a mountain,
Out of the stones hurled at you.

The future holds great promise, your destiny unknown,

But God is always helping, and you’re never alone.

Soar bravely toward your goal,

let nothing darken the way.
You can change your tomorrow,
if you seek your dream today.

You will for sure have realized that up to now the fact
that Jeff’s wife Shaila was expecting their first child, has
never been mentioned.

The reason for this is quite obvious: Jeff never spoke

about it – neither before nor in London.

On the contrary - also during our conversation in the

Lobby - he still asked a lot of questions about my daughter
and was still a bit disappointed that she had not joined me.
He even proposed again that I should come together with
her as soon as possible to South Africa ………. “I want to give
you that grandchild …… and it should grow up in ‘our’

And even afterwards, his only worry was that I should

not tell my daughter anything since he still hoped to have a
relationship with her ………….

You will agree that is showing a more than crazy



How I finally got to know that his wife was pregnant

(14 week – so for quite a while already) ? ………

Just read the following:

After having gone back to Joburg, Jeff wrote on

Monday, February 26th, early in the morning:

Robbery !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the ‘silence’ …….. I got involved in an armed

robbery incident after I landed in Johannesburg,

If you don’t believe me, you can GOOGLE it.

I’m trying to get my life back in order ….. credit cards,

passport, drivers license, ids, etc. etc.

I’ll talk to you when I can.


I did as he had suggested and found the article talking

about this.

It said that the award-winning CNN Africa

correspondent Jeff Koinange and his pregnant wife were
robbed at gunpoint at the News-Broadcaster’s Johannesburg
office yesterday.

Four armed robbers attacked Koinange and his wife,

Shaila, both 41, when they stopped in front of the CNN
office in Auckland Park at 7:45 a.m. They stole the couple’s
cell phones, wallets, family pictures, two suitcases, two
laptops and a new camera.

A few hours later Koinange was LIVE on CNN, telling

the world about his horrific welcome.

Shaila had just fetched Koinange from OR Tambo

International Airport. The two went to drop off his
equipment at the office.

As he got out of his car, a gun was held to his head. A
second robber walked over to the passenger side of the
couple’s car and pointed a gun at Shaila’s belly.

“She’s 14 weeks pregnant. It shows a little bit but I

don’t know if they knew. But that really freaked me out. It
was the first thing on my mind. The baby will be our first-
born,” said Koinange…………….


I had to read this minimum 10-times to really believe

what it meant !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why had he hidden this from me?

And even now in his mail talking about the robbery,

just mentions himself ‘ I got involved ……. I’m trying to get
my life back in order ‘ ------

I !!!!!!! I !!!!!!!!!! Not once the word ‘we’ !!!!!!!!!!!


It took me two days to ‘cool down’ – then on

Wednesday, February 28th, I wrote:

I still cannot believe this !!!!!!!!!!

You should have been the happiest man in the world

knowing that - finally - your wife is pregnant.

And you should have told me - since as you said many

times before, this was the only ‘gap’ in your life to really
make you a happy man.

So why did you not say anything to me and instead
continued talking about needing a ‘heir’ and wanting my

At least in London you should have told me and not

continue talking about Sassa and you ………. Why ???????

How does your wife feel about all this ????? Does she
know that you planned to have a child with my daughter
- just in case ???????

It makes me really sad just to think about it ……. and it

makes me furious at the same time …… I do not think
you should get away with all this so easily.

Life has given you a lesson with that robbery - but

maybe you need a little more than that to realize that you
cannot play with the feelings of other people as you did
with mine - and I am sure with others before me.

I wonder if and what you reply to this - or if you prefer

to go ‘underground’ because you do not know what to
say for your defense ……….


If I had expected a compassionate reply of a loving

husband and father-to-be, Jeff proved me once again wrong.

Instead of giving a decent explanation, he choose to

attack me and wrote on Thursday, March 1st:

Two can ‘play’ the game ……….

To BLACKMAIL me will NOT work, Marianne …… and
besides, it’s the LAST thing you want to do because you
stand to LOSE as much as I do……..

For one, I have a ‘lovely’ NAKED photo of you on a

beach which about a DOZEN newspapers (from Kenya
to New York) would be more than interested in getting
their hands on ………

Especially if the CAPTION under it reads, ‘Moi’s

Former Mistress’ ….. and underneath that ‘Moi shared
her with others, like Harry Bellafonte, Julio Iglesias, Sal
Davis and many more’ ……. all mentioned in your past
emails ….. (I wonder what Bellafonte would think of your
email describing the Menage-a-Trois you, he and Sal had
all those years ago?????????? I’m sure, he’d be VERY
embarrassed …….. and NOT amused !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And think of the EMBARRASSMENT it would bring to

your family …….. unless of course you don’t give a DAMN
about them ………….

And don’t forget, I have the addresses you gave me to

send copies of my book ……. And the one you wrote on
the FEDEX invoice when you sent me your photo ……

I wonder if a certain Mr. NICK BOIT (Nicholas Biwott)

would be interested in that ??????????????????

Are you prepared to ‘ MOVE ‘ again ???????????

The BOTTOM LINE, don’t even think of BLACKMAILING

ME ………. it won’t WORK …………

If you want to ‘behave’ like an adult and continue

talking, I am prepared to do so ………….

Let’s ‘settle’ this like reasonable HUMAN BEINGS ……..
and move on ………….

I was very upset by his mail – it was the last I had

expected him to write.

But deciding ‘to play cool’ I replied:

I was not blackmailing you - I was just putting things

right - but you have decided not only to blackmail but
also to threaten me – exactly in the way John Troon had
warned me you would ………

I did not want to believe him …… but now I have to.

But like in the past - I am not scared – not by you and

not by Biwott or anybody else.

You should know this by now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But then I decided I had to fight back and I wrote the

letter to Jim Walton (you can read the full content in the
Prologue) ………..

But I did not stop here…….

I had the impression that Jeff needed more than that so

I also passed the information of the whole sad story to
Kumekucha – a well-known Kenyan blog -

And on March 5th, they published everything under the
title ‘ Top Kenyan Journalist in Date Rape Incident ‘ ---------




God’s Perfection ………..

God made the mountains, kiss the clouds

that we may look up beyond our own small world
and strive to reach great heights.
He made the ocean wide and mighty
To remind us of the greatness of his love
And the power of his strength.

He frosts the earth with diamonds in the winter

To reveal the riches that await us in heaven,
And he awakens the earth with a profusion of lilacs
And daffodils in the spring to show us
That we’ve been given the gift of eternal life.

He has created masterpieces, and every one of them are

part of the circle of life and serve some great purpose.
From the forests, to the valleys, across the dales,
And even to the most distant twinkling star,
And the early morning mist that creeps over the hills,
God has blessed the earth with his talented hand.
So do you think that God could have
Erred when he made you?
Of course he didn’t ……………..
You’re perfect, exactly what God intended you to be.
As the earth is reborn this spring,
Remember that you’re one of God’s great masterpieces,
A testament to his infinite wisdom and perfection.

Although having written my letter to the CNN-Officials
on March 1, I decided to start a ‘campaign’ to try to save
Jeff’s ‘soul’..………… give him a last chance ………….in
accordance with something he wrote to me after he knew
that his Bosses had received my letter:

“You have brought me to my senses ……. please never

give up on me ……..”


So on March 3, I wrote to him:

Human ……..and compassionate….

Why don’t you ask me “please forgive me for the sake of

my wife and our unborn child? ……”

Why don’t you still find a word about them ?

Why didn’t you tell me about this in London?

Why did you insist to have a relationship with my

daughter knowing that your wife is already pregnant?

Dou you really care about her and your unborn child?

These are the questions still bothering me - besides the

threats issued against me in telling me that you give my
and my daughter’s details to Biwott asking me if I am
prepared to ‘move’ again.

I am listening to Joshua’s song “You are my peace of

mind in this crazy world” which you dedicated to ‘us’
while I am writing this and hope to God that you come to
your senses……..

If not for yourself than do it for your future child ……….


To this he replied immediately:

I am SORRY ……….I don’t want to FIGHT you …..

PLEASE don’t make this any harder than it is ……..

Let’s talk and see how we can RESOLVE this …….

Talk to me……..

He then started bombarding me with phone calls

………. but I decided not to go into any verbal
discussion with him.

In making my point even more clear, I then wrote

– still on March 5th:

I have asked you several times ‘just tell me for the sake
of my wife and my unborn child’ …… but you did not
listen and threatened me instead and not only me but
also to disclose the address of my daughter and that’s
what has made me decide to go into the open.

I am tired of living in fear - I am tired to have to

‘dream’ what could happen to me and her - so why
don’t you understand this?

I loved you and I cared for you - and I believed that you
felt the same - but it seems I was wrong.

So whatever you have to tell me do it in writing - Sassa
told me that I should make you responsible for my
security - and therefore if something would happen to
me or her - you will be made guilty.

But one question still lingers:

Why did we have to come this far - why ????????

I have offered you not only one chance to settle this in

peace - I offered you many chances.

But obviously you did not even think to accept my


Even if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your wife

and your child ……………

I am so happy to hear that finally you are becoming a

father - something you always wanted to be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am human - I am compassionate …………..

Just be the same …… but not only in words……….

I want to get your personal confirmation about this.


To this Jeff replied on March 5th.:

Please don’t doubt me now ……….. you have shaken me

to my SENSES ……

I WILL make that INTERVIEW happen ….. and you

should be ready for it sometime around May/June when
ODM has their elections and the opposition candidate is

known ….. then INSIDE-AFRICA will do a ‘KENYA
SPECIAL’ and that is the BEST time to get your BOOK
out there ……. that is how I see it happening ….. and I
will PROPOSE this to the folks at INSIDE-AFRICA and I
know they will like this idea ………

I know you have your doubts …….. and understandibly

…….. but PLEASE let’s work it out this way ……….

OK ???????


I replied:

Could you get the people in Inside-Africa to write to me

confirming this?

And would you please do me the favor to write to Sassa

- just tell her that you feel really sorry without going into
details because that would unnecessarily embarrass



Yes indeed …… on both counts ……..



I replied:

I will wait to get the confirmation. For now – sleep well –

and dream well – you have a lot to dream about …………


And Jeff:

You too …………….


Later the same day I wrote:

Just counting ……….

When I learned that your wife is pregnant - 14th week

- I counted backwards and I came up with an amazing

You remember that we took a ‘break’ around the middle

of November when I went to Madrid first and then to
Zurich for one week ………

The first contact after this was on December 2 when you

told me that “you had recharged your batteries and were
ready to roll again…….”

So I am glad we took that ‘break’ ---- with the best result

possible ………

But tell me: How did and how do you feel ????????????
Are you not excited ?????????????

It made me remember the time I knew I was pregnant
with Sassa and how happy I was and how happy
Frederik was when Sassa was born - after his two sons
from his former marriage he finally had a daughter !!!!!!!

If you feel like sharing this with me, you would make me
very happy - so don’t feel shy and tell me !!!!!!!!!

And like a ‘release’ of being able to leave the subject of

what he did to me in London behind himself, Jeff replied to
me immediately:

I feel like I’m about to be RE-BORN …… whatever it is

(Boy or Girl) …. I’m hoping it will make my mother
FINALLY talk to my WIFE ……… they haven’t spoken in
years …….

Maybe that’s why I’m so NERVOUS …….. I always

wanted this and always thought this would UNITE our
family ……….

And IF it doesn’t ……… then I don’t know what I’ll do…..

My sisters both have a son and a daughter each and my

brother has a whole bunch of BOYS ……

But my mother (in true Kikuyu fashion) has never been

‘re-named’ …….. so maybe IF it’s a girl, then she can
finally be ‘re-born’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If it’s a boy, well and

Does any of this make sense ????????????????


I realized how desperate he must have felt to write
something so intimate like that - and replied:

Funny, but I already thought something like that - I

know you Kikuyu’s and I know how they feel about the
Asian Kenyans - Njoroge always told me that he only
trusts them for handling his business - they are the best
- calling them ‘the Shah’s and Patels’ ……. but on a
social level they have been ‘outcast’ …………

I feel sorry for your wife - she must have felt awful all
these years …….

Don’t feel nervous – be happy – it’s your and her child –

and not the child you have to ‘give’ to your family.

They – and that includes your mother – should be happy

for you.

You (and your wife) are the only ones counting ….. just
be happy and give all your love to your wife - don’t
make her feel nervous - be there for her with a nice and
assuring smile ….. and all your love.

Promise me that …….


To this Jeff replied instantly:

I promise …….. and THANKS for listening and

understanding !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



After this Jeff called several times asking me to send

another letter to his Bosses informing them that we were
trying to find a solution for our ‘problems’ after he had
apologized to me for London …….

I told him I could consider to do this – but under certain

conditions. One was a special idea of ‘punishment’ :

CNN Inside-Africa had shown a report about Gail

Thompson, a woman running a Orphans-Home in
Johannesburg and was also supporting young women who
had been raped….. I asked Jeff to get into contact with her
and to take over the ‘patronage’ of three of these girls …. i.e.
paying for their living costs, school feels, medical care etc.

My idea was to make him realize how women feel after

such an ordeal – so my proposal also included spending time
with them and not just paying ……

Much to my surprise he immediately accepted my

condition and promised to go to see Gail the following
Saturday when he was coming back from Ghana. He then
passed also her email-address to me enabling me to have
direct contacts with her. I wrote to her and announced that
Jeff would get into contact with her and for which reason
without telling her the background of all this.

It was then Jeff’s idea to also include the interview

regarding my book The Shining Star in this ‘deal’. Although I
did not feel very comfortable about this point since it could
give the wrong impression that this was the only thing I was
ever interested in, he insisted that we should also consider
this. He would talk with the people of Inside-Africa whereas
the patronage of the girls would be kept as his private

I agreed but decided to make my point about this
interview clear and wrote on Tuesday March 6th:

Can we agree that this interview wherever it may take

place is done by you and not by somebody else? You are
the only one who knows me and all the background of my
story and I do not want to meet some strangers.

I am sure you will do an excellent job and this will

enhance the importance of the whole matter also with
regard to the forthcoming elections in Kenya. We should
talk about this and how important it is to solve the Ouko-

If this interview takes place in London, we should maybe

also invite Troon to give his comments (like he repeated
again to me now: there is enough evidence to implicate
not only Biwott but also Moi).

This would be very important since exactly these two

men are controlling the political life in Kenya as you

If you agree, I will include this in my letter to your

Bosses – so please let me know urgently what you think.

Maybe you could even call me again tonight – or let’s

exchange mails like yesterday to come to a mutual
agreement. I will then set up the letter to CNN and
before sending I want you to read it and agree – or
suggest changes – you decide.

Fair Deal ???????????????

And most important – let’s forget once and for all that
‘incident’ in London – both of us.

When we see each other again, it should be as friends
who have a lot in common - and friends we always shall

And whenever you feel lonely – somewhere in Africa – or

need to talk, please do – I will be here listening!!!!!!!!!



You will agree that I tried my best to reach out to him -

to offer him a ‘golden bridge’ …….

But did he really understand that this was his last

chance to ‘save’ himself …………??????????????

I started having doubts ………….. to me he seemed like

a spoilt child which was used to always getting what it
wanted …… and not like a grown-up man willing and able to
take over responsibility ……………….


Jeff had gone during these days to Ghana reporting on

their 50th Independence Day ……. and did not reply to my
mail. I got nervous about his silence – and this feeling was
then even increased by a comment my daughter made
regarding him which I then passed also to Jeff:

Sassa called me and verbally told me:

“Mami, Jeff is just trying to save his ass……don’t ever

trust him again ….. promise me!!!!!!!! He has proved not
to be a man any woman should ever trust ………. you
should never forgive him …… he only tries to exploit your
– maybe – still existing feelings for him for his own
reasons ….he gives a ‘shit’ about you – that’s the reality
and please accept this …….. if not, you are only cheating

This damming message from my daughter finally made

him react and he also gave the reasons for his silence:

Your Blog is causing all kinds of ripple-effects around the

world and I’m starting to get phone calls from all over the
place asking about the ‘Date Rape’ ………

I know you’ve responded but the damage has been done.

I don’t know what to say.

Let’s talk when you get a chance. I’m back in Joburg


You will realize that he never ever denied anything -

nor did he ever comment the letter I had written to all the
CNN Officials.

Only once he referred to it when he told me that he

understood why I had to do it ……..

But he never said that the content of the letter was not
true – and this referred also to the details about the Nigeria

On March 8th he then wrote to me:

I have been ‘reprimanded’ by CNN from emailing

anything other than the ‘basics’ ……. it’s causing them
great concern. Is there a number I can call you on?

I was staying with friends in Madrid when I read his

mail and understood that we had to do something if we
really wanted to ‘save’ the situation.

I wrote:

Solution Mail ……..

Please confirm that you are available to talk on Monday –

because if not, I prefer to continue some more days in

I am only going back if we have a chance to talk and find

a solution –

If Monday is not suitable for you, tell me which day …….

enabling me to make the necessary arrangements.


To this he replied:

Monday is good ………. I’ll call you in the morning.

Thanks for doing this.


I wrote the following day, March 9th:

I have decided to fly back to Malaga already this morning

– just in case you want to talk to me – either by phone or
on the computer – I will be back in my apartment around
2 p.m.

I want us to find a solution !!!!!!!!!!

I want to see you becoming a really happy husband and

father !!!!!!!!!!
And I want to be able to continue ‘enjoying’ your
excellent reports on CNN !!!!!!!!!!


He replied instantly:

GREAT ……… call you later today.


We then had a long and serious discussion on the phone

and agreed at the end on the text of a letter I proposed to
send again to all the CNN Officials who had received the first
one of March 1 – including copies to Anderson Cooper and
Oprah Winfrey.

As you will see, he did not ask me to take back any of

the accusations contained in the first letter - he only wanted
them to know that we had come to an agreement.

Here is the text of the letter I wrote to Jim Walton
(President CNN) with copy to Chris Cramer (Vice-President
and Managing Director CNN International) on March 9th:

Dear Mr. Walton,

I herewith wish to confirm that I have accepted Mr. Koinange’s

explanations and apologies regarding the London ‘Incident’.

Mr. Koinange is an excellent Journalist and I think CNN (and

the world) needs somebody like him.


Marianne Briner

Since I had told Jeff once that my daughter had paid for
my London trip since she had insisted that it should be my
birthday present, he then proposed to refund her the money
– that this was his part of ‘compensation’ besides taking
over the patronage of the girls…….

I spoke with my daughter who did not like the idea but
since he continued insisting, agreed with him on the amount
(2.000.-- $) - and informed Jeff about this when I sent him
the copy of my letter to Jim Walton:

Attached is the mail I have sent to CNN. I hope, you


Give my regards to Gail when you go to see her


Sassa will send you her banking details. I spoke with her
a few minutes ago.

Keep your promises – that’s part of our ‘deal’ and also
part of our ‘therapy’ – and I sincerely hope it will work
….. and you become a better man !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The following day, Saturday, March 10th, Jeff wrote:

I will call you right before the Inside-Africa program ……

I’m off to see Gail now ………………. will call you as

promised !!!!!!!

He then called and confirmed that he had gone to see

Gail – at the end he thanked me for having written the letter
to his Bosses.

The following Monday he called again and told me that

he had been out of town doing some very tiring ‘shooting’ -

I replied that he should go home and spend some time

with his wife …….. he promised to following my advise and
laughing he said ‘ Yes, Mummy Dearest ……..’.

On Tuesday, March 13th, he then wrote:

I took your advice last night and went HOME ……

Off to another story today ……

As for the ‘Girls’, I’m looking at ones that haven’t been

‘filmed’ ……. most have ‘sponsors’ ….. a few are relative
‘newcomers’ and don’t have a sponsor …… looking at
two of those ……. will keep you posted.

Have a GREAT day ……….


Although I started becoming annoyed when I realized
that he was already going down to sponsoring only two
instead of the formerly agreed three girls, I tried to stay
calm and replied:

Agreed – but let’s think about girls like the ones ‘filmed’ –

And I also like that you take my advise regarding

spending more time at home - just relax and make sure
that your wife feels the same – she needs this and you
will feel better too …….

Believe me – I want you to be happy – that’s all I ever

wanted …….




Don’t quit when the tide is lowest,
It’s just about to turn;
Don’t quit over doubts and questions,
There is something you may learn.

Don’t quit when the night is darkest,

For it’s just a while ‘til dawn.
Don’t quit when you’ve run the farthest,
For the race is almost won.

Don’t quit when the hill is steepest,

For your goal is almost nigh.
Don’t’ quit for you’re not a failure
Until you fail to try …………….

…….Going back to ‘old’ times ……….

After I had written the letter to his Bosses and he had

refunded my daughter the money she had spent for my
London-Trip and especially after he had gone to see the
‘girls’ and had spoken with the Director, Gail Thompson, he
felt ‘safe’ …………… and the ‘old’ Jeff Koinange immediately
surfaced again.

There were numerous phone calls and even addressing

me again as ‘my Love’ ……. to which I replied if he said that
word once more, I would not even take his calls anymore.

But he just laughed off my protests in saying “But it

comes so natural for me to call you like that …..”


Especially after I had told him that I was spending

some days with an old friend of mine (who is a very famous
Singer), things became again more and more ‘familiar’………

Jeff had heard her voice once in the background when

he called me, I had then sent him one of her DVD’s ….

After having received the DVD he wrote on March 15th:

Pal is simply FANTASTIC ….. what a voice, what a

performance, what a WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!

Very nice ……. I like GRANDE a lot ……… and also

Number 3 - TROUBLE ……..

She’s very talented and very very beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing this with me.


And then shortly after he added:

Just watched her for a second time and ‘SOY’ is

MAGNIFIQUE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It was obvious that the ‘womanizer’ Jeff Koinange

was surfacing again……..

I also realized that he needed that and gave up to ever

be able to ‘change’ him and therefore admit herewith that I
‘nicely contributed’ ………………………

So I have to take at least part of the ‘blame’, and

herewith admit that I did ‘lead him on’ ……..


On Thursday, March 15th, I wrote:

I just came back and found your mails.

You see, we even share the same taste when it comes to

beautiful women - but in her case it is more than that,
she is beautiful and a wonderful woman.

She has a daughter around the same age like Sassa (she
was never married) - only she is already a grandmother
whereas I am still waiting and hoping …………..

‘Soy’ is beautiful and tells a lot about herself. The other
very personal one is ‘Mi passion’ and ‘Grande’.

…………. I am glad, you are happy …………….


As I said before, I was together with my friends during

that time and since they all had become interested to get to
‘ know this man - Jeff Koinange’ -

I had proposed to them to see Inside-Africa especially

after it was announced that there was a ‘new’ report on

So I wrote to Jeff on March 17th:

Inside-Africa – urgent question ……

We just saw the announcement in CNN regarding today’s

Inside-Africa. Since neither today or tomorrow we have
to see it, could you please tell me if it is worth taping

What about the music part – could P. be interested since

she does not know that much about African music?

Since you like ‘hers’ – would she like also ‘yours’ ?????

Curious questions………….. ‘typical’ women ……..

I hope you see this message before Sunday latest since

Inside-Africa is repeated then at 3 p.m. our time ……


Jeff reacted instantly:

Definitely WORTH WATCHING …… and TAPING !!!!!!!!!!



Later in the evening of Sunday, March 18th I wrote:

We missed you …………….

Since CNN changed the times, we missed the Nigerian

‘Show’ ………

But I took the Darfur - DVD with me………

Curious to know the comments ???????????????????



And here is Jeff’s immediate reaction:

Oh, you MISSED a GOOD show …………..

At least, I think it was a GOOD show ………….

And the text messages I got from Nigerians was that it

was GOOD and FAIR!!!!!!!!!

And of course, I’m ALWAYS curious to know the

comments on the Darfur SHOW ………..

Talk to me ………


Later on March 19th, I wrote to Jeff:

I just saw it on the CNN-Video-Recording.

Well done …….. but I have my doubts if this was not

done ‘on request’ to settle the problems between CNN,
you and the Nigerians ………

But you ‘saved your face’ in reporting also about the

problems in the Niger Delta…….. So at the end,
everybody must have been satisfied ………

Regarding ‘women-to-women’ comments (and not only

by Pal but also by some of her friends):

- Interesting man - but too dangerous …….

- Somebody to watch - but not to touch.

He is too smart and used to women’s admiration – but
at the end he is the only one having had ‘his fun’ and
walking away to find another ‘adventure’ ……….

- If I would look for a ‘one-night-stand’ only, he would

definitely be the one ………….

- Would be nice to meet him in person and to find out

what is behind this nice smiling face ……….

These are just remarks - I am leaving out the more

intimate ones …………

I am sure you are not interesting in these !!!!!!!!!!!!

Disappointed ???????????????????


No - he did not disappoint me at all ………

What else would I have expected anyway ……of course,

the ‘womanizer’ Jeff Koinange took the challenge and
replied immediately:

Ha Ha Ha …………. NOT disappointed at all …………

BRING in ALL the comments ……………

Your FRIENDS are just like you ………

BRUTALLY HONEST ………… and TRUTHFUL !!!!!!!!!!!


After having read this mail together with my friends,

we started laughing and decided that ‘ we better give up on
changing this man called Jeff Koinange …….’

So I sat down to write to him the same day, Monday

March 19th.:

I see, you have a boring Monday morning and need

some ‘good’ news making you smile -

So here it is: I had with me some of the ‘nice’ mails

you had sent to me last year and we started reading
them while watching you (having stopped the
transmission just looking at your face).

There was the description of your ‘dreamless’ night in
September talking about having dinner and then going to
the room, undressing me and kissing me all over …..

There was the remark how you want to make love to me

in the swimming-pool …….

There was the mail regarding kissing and penetrating me

with your tongue ………….

And here we had to stop - …………………..

P……… and all her friends were just looking at me ……

……..nice and decent Spanish Ladies ……. members of

the Spanish Aristocratic Society to which also my
daughter now belongs after she got married to a direct
Cousin of the Spanish Crown-Prince ....

…………and after some minutes of silence came the


………………..where and when can we meet this

man ??????????????????????

That should make your day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now go back to do some serious working !!!!!!!!!!!!!

But smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


After having spoken about my mail to Jeff with my

friends, I then added:

I forgot to mention that I also read to them the ‘elephant’
and the ‘mass destruction’ mail …………..

…….. and that was the end of it ………… they just had
their mouth open and could not believe it.

But obviously their fantasy started racing ……….. and they

asked ‘when are you introduce him - we hope we will
meet him if ever he comes to Spain,,,,,,,’

So my advise to you: Stay away from Spain……. it could

become a really dangerous place for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!


But if I had thought to have ‘scared’ him, I was totally

wrong ……… Jeff got only ‘challenged’ and replied

Ha Ha Ha ……………..

You’ve just MADE MY DAY !!!!!!!!!

I’m COMING TO SPAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


In realizing that I had made a ‘mistake’ – but admitting

that I also still enjoyed teasing him, I replied:

Don’t even think about it since you would endanger the

whole Spanish Society !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But just think how you have brought alive the fantasy of
my friends ………

I only felt sorry for their husbands (and/or lovers) since I
am sure they had to ‘suffer’ some of these fantasies





Never Alone ……

He can calm the troubled waters

When you walk in dark despair.

There is hope when you feel helpless

Knowing that the Lord is there ….

Sharing in your sunshine moments

Or in valleys, deep and wide,

He will never, ever leave you –

He is always by your side.

There’s no other friend so faithful

Through the sunshine and the rain,

Through the teardrops and the laughter,

In your joy and in your pain.

We could never, ever thank Him

For His love He gives so free,

Never changing …… never ending

Throughout all eternity.

I realized that Jeff had become again bored just sitting
around in Johannesburg - even the news about his future
child had lost its attraction.

When I asked him once on the phone, how his wife was
feeling, his short reply was “ She is fine – just hanging on” -
and that’s the only comment he ever made regarding her.

And when he started calling me again several times per

day – not writing that much because of being ‘reprimanded’
from emailing only ‘basics’ - I had to do something before
this was again finishing out of control.

After I had seen a report in the German Television

about the situation in Zimbabwe and all the people fleeing
the country ending up somewhere at the Zimbabwe-South
African border, I thought that could be the solution.

Especially since CNN had also made comments about

this and Jeff had spoken with a Zimbabwe Cleric who had
fled the country. But this interview was done in
Johannesburg and did not show the situation of these

So when he called and started with his new ‘pet’

subject ‘coming to Spain’, I told him to think about doing
some serious work instead and if this was not also a good
story for him.

I then also wrote to him about this on March 20th:

I have seen the comments on CNN about Zimbabwe –

good – but they (you) should also talk about the real life
- i.e. the people - like the Germans reported about the
thousands who try to escape and even take the risk to
loose their lives - just to escape the political turmoil and
starvation …….

Go into this – this is and always was your strong point:
to show the suffering of the people and especially of the
women and children. Do it - please !!!!!!!!!!!!

Only like that you will attract the world’s attention - do it

for the people of Zimbabwe to finally help to finish this
madness of another ‘Old Man’ ……..

Have met people who had to flee Zimbabwe here in Spain

- they are actually living in the same compound like I do
- they are ‘Whites’ but still in their heart they are
‘Africans’ – Zimbabwe was their country of birth, their
home and still is …….

So - please - follow my advise – at least as much as

you can!!!!!!!!!


Jeff took the ‘challenge’ immediately and replied the

following day:

Good advice ……….

Will do ………. Thanks for the ADVICE …… very GOOD!!!!

I’m off to the Zimbabwe border ….. we’re NOT allowed

INSIDE but we’ll get as far as we can.

Talk later …….. have a GREAT day!!!!!!!!!!!


Happy that we had again found a subject of ‘mutual
understanding’ and diverted the attention from personal
matters, I first wrote:

I had the feeling that you were getting bored in

Johannesburg …… so my idea to ‘send’ you to the
Zimbabwe border was also keeping that in mind …….

When you told me again today ‘Now I am really coming

to Spain’ ….. you really scared me …..

So in keeping you busy ‘INSIDE AFRICA’ , I am avoiding

more ‘complications’ here.

Have a GREAT DAY too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On a more serious note, I then added the following

I am glad that you are going to make the report ….. I
know you are clever but maybe sometimes you need a
little ‘push’ ??????????????

Seriously – report on the situation of these people trying

to flee Zimbabwe and then get caught by the SA Police
putting them into some camps and then sending them

The Germans were showing these ‘camps’ – actually they

are just some tents with men and women divided from
each other even if married – some sleep on the floor –
they get some food and water but not regularly as some
of them confirmed, i.e. if caught on a Friday, they stay
without food the whole weekend before being sent back
on Monday.

There is no real supply or organization because South
Africa does not recognize them as refugees. The
Germans also touched the sensible subject of Mbeki’s
close relationship with Mugabe because he gave him
asylum in Zimbabwe during the Apartheid times and so
he does not want to ‘hurt’ the Old Man …….

Up to now you and CNN have concentrated on the

political part - show also the human one - this is
putting pressure to finally do something - at least SA
accepting these people as refugees and giving them some
humanitarian treatment ….. at the moment they are
treated like ‘merchandise’ ………

Do your best, my friend ……… work……. and I will follow

the ‘result’ on TV !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


After I had seen his first reports, I wrote on March

22 :

I just saw a new transmission (1 p.m. my time) - but

slowly you seem to become tired (maybe I am also
wrong) although you are still concentrated and very well
informed …….

And if nobody else does: I am congratulating myself for

having had the idea to ‘send’ you to this place ….. and
get the world’s attention ….. again ……

You can smile now – but I still take the credit!!!!!!!!!

Or maybe it should be the other way round ???????


When I was a little bit disappointed not to hear from
him and told him so, he wrote on March 24th:

NEVER EVER give up on me !!!!!!!!!!!!

First you take the credit for sending me to the border and
when I get there you don’t want me to work ……

It’s tough out here …….. and emailing is NEXT to

IMPOSSIBLE …. You should know that ….. internet’s not
that frequent at border posts …..

And I’m still here, chasing THE story YOU want to


Have to rush out again …….. have a DEADLINE to


Talk later.


Later the same day he added:

Enjoy the weekend ……… hoping to leave the border over

the weekend and get some ‘much-needed-rest’ !!!!!!!!


After having returned to Johannesburg, he then called

on Monday, March 26th, and informed me that he was going
to Dar-es-Salaam for a Conference. I asked him to check on
some of my friends there, amongst whom also Reginald

On Sunday, April 1st, after having back he then wrote:

Dar-es-Salaam was excellent ……… what a beautiful city

….. last time I was there was for Nyerere’s funeral back in
1999 …………

Anyway, I spoke to Mengi ….. he seems to OWN all of

Dar-es-Salaam …. and doing very well too !!!!!!!!!

He said he’d do some research and email me the contacts

….. so, I did manage to ‘squeeze-in’ some time for

I’m back in Joburg …… and Mugabe’s still very much in

POWER in Zimbabwe ….. one step forward, two steps
backwards !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk soon,


I then told him that we should from now onwards only

write and talk to each other when we really feel like and not
let it become a ‘habit’ like before……

To this he replied on April 4th:

No need for AGREEMENT !!!!!!!!!

I ALWAYS feel like writing or talking to you ……

unfortunately I can’t do it as often as I’d like to ……

But believe me, I enjoy it and never feel ‘obligated’ ……..





As I had said before, the whole ‘exercise’ of the past
weeks after London was meant to put some ‘sense’ into
Jeff’s head and mind ………..

And it also helped me to divert my own thoughts from

another subject which at that time was still unsolved: my
health status.

The injury was still not healing very well. I had to take
some very strong antibiotics and the results of the HIV-
testing had also not been confirmed yet.


So when I had come back from another medical check-

up after having been away for a long Eastern Holiday, I first
checked may emails.

There was one by Gail Thompson informing me that Jeff

still had not come to agree on the final terms regarding the
patronage of the girls we had agreed on ………. ‘it seems he
is always too busy ………’

But what made me then really furious was a message

by Jeff on April 12th:

Patience is a virtue ……….

I’ll be OFF as of Monday, April 16th for a month ……. No

it’s NOT paternal leave ………… it’s time I’ve been asked
to take off ……..

Take care and we’ll chat soon ……..


What did he mean with ‘Patience is a virtue’ ?????

Did he really think he could take me for a ‘ride’ …….. did

we end up again on empty words and promises …..???

Did he not understand that I had given him a last

chance to save himself ……… had he again become so sure
about my ‘everlasting love’ for him ????????????

I also realized that he never again came back to talk

about London or asking me how I was feeling.

He knew that I was still seeing my Doctor – but he had

obviously decided that London was ‘past’ and he decided to
‘move on’ …….

Maybe it had been a mistake trying to find an amicable

solution. This must have given him the impression that I
was just another ‘weak’ woman and not to be taken
seriously ……


After having spoken with Gail and after receiving her

final confirmation that he really had not come to an
agreement with her yet, I decided I had to do something,
especially since I had the strong feeling that this ‘one month
leave’ was just an excuse to gain more time …………..

On April 19th I wrote:

You better read this ……..

You will find under ‘Jeff

Koinange’ including photos and albums …..

Up to now it is empty since I am waiting that you fulfill
what has been agreed between you and me …..

But I will not hesitate to start the blog if you continue

‘playing a game’ ….

You have two weeks time from now on …. because I do

not believe in your ‘one month leave’ …….

You should know by now that I am not a woman you can

play with ……….

This is not a threat - just a warning ……..


Jeff’s instant reply:

I wish you would STOP threatening me …… I really

HATE it when you do that ……

First of all, I am on LEAVE …… you can call CNN in

ATLANTA if you want to …………….

Second of all, I have FULFILLED my DEAL with GAIL

……. and if you want names, ages, phone numbers and
amount of sponsorship money, I will GLADLY provide
that too…….


MY END ……….. I wish you would do the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wish you wouldn’t USE those very HURTFUL

blackmail tactics ……… it HURTS me very much ….. why
is it so hard to believe I’m on LEAVE ????????????? Am I
not entitled to LEAVE ??????????????????

Please, believe me ………. or check with


After having read this, I got even more angry ….. what
had his leave to do with not going to see Gail and now even
trying to cheat me in saying that he had already ‘fulfilled his
side of the deal’ …….

So again I called Gail and again she told me that she

had tried to get into contact with Jeff and had invited him
and his wife for Dinner to discuss all open questions – but it
seemed they could not agree on a mutual date ………..

Based on this information I then replied to Jeff:

Gail told me again that you only mentioned your eventual

willingness to sponsor but that you did not follow this up
….. she based this on your huge amount of work ….

But I informed her that you are supposed to be on leave

so you should have time now…..

So how can you talk about names, age and amounts ….

Be serious, dear Jeff, and stop thinking that everybody

is a fool.


And again he tried to convince me:

If you must know, Gail and I have come to an

AGREEMENT ……. And I told her to keep it PRIVATE ……
because it was not anyone’s BUSINESS …..

I didn’t think you’d be enquiring ……. but now that you
did, you should know I have FULFILLED MY PROMISE
……… and it’s a PRIVATE and CONFIDENTIAL

And no, not EVERYBODY is a FOOL …….. only ME !!!!

What did he mean – did he really think I continued

believing some nice words of his and even putting Gail like
she was telling me lies?????????

I had never foreseen such a development and wrote:

I do not think that I am ‘anyone’ – at least not for this

since this was a part of my ‘punishment’ for you after
London …….

So, in other words, since Gail told me yesterday that

you came there only once and had just mentioned your
‘willingness’ to support her but then did not follow up
this matter because of the overload with work and the
problems connected to the hijacking incident (for which
she told me she had offered your wife counseling with
their psychologist …..), you now try to tell me that she
lied to me??????? Because you want to keep this matter
private and confidential ???????

Gail knows that it was my idea to get you involved, so

there is no need for her not to tell me the truth – and I
believe her and not you !!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you really want me to contact her again ??????? She

told me yesterday very clearly that you mentioned your
intention, but that nothing has been agreed on

Don’t continue playing - you told me once that I have
brought you to your senses …… but it now looks like just
for some minutes or maybe hours - and you have gone
back to the ‘old days’ very soon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you need another lesson ???????????


Jeff’s instant reaction:

Please contact her …………. I urge you to ……….. and you

continue to THREATEN me again !!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

I replied still on April 19th:

What do you fear - are you becoming paranoid ???????

I will not contact Gail - because I still believe her and

not you - but I do not want to embarrass her for having
been ‘caught’ in the middle of our problems.

Just let me add: I do not trust you a bit - ‘talk is cheap’

that what comes to my mind when I think about you.

And I am not threatening you - like you once wrote to

me: I can talk the talk and I can walk the walk ………. So
maybe I follow you on this - ‘nyayo’ style !!!!!!!!!!


And just read his reply - again the ‘old’ charming Jeff
feeling ‘safe’ again:

NYAYO …….. NYAYO ……. You are ‘WICKED’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!

………. Now you can smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I now realize what I mean to you …….. when you don’t
hear from me, you become very ‘AGGRESSIVE’ !!!!!!!!

WHY don’t you just say that you MISS ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I gave up – he still did not understand what this was all

about …………….. nor would he ever change ………….


But since I had promised to give him two weeks time to

think things over, I started preparing the blog but did not
publish it yet ……..




On May 9 th
he informed me that he was in Atlanta to
‘sort’ out some things with CNN …………and would call me
when he was getting back to Joburg ………

That was the end of my patience ……… after Gail

confirmed for another time that he had not even found the
time to see her during his leave, I decided to start
publishing our correspondence in my blog

And I also decided to cut any contact with Jeff since I

regarded him as a totally hopeless case ………


On May 16th he informed me that he just landed in

Joburg and would call me immediately when he was getting
home and had ‘unpacked’ …… if that’s ok ……….

I decided that it was better not to wait for his call but
to inform him instead in writing about my blog:

I am not afraid anymore ……. So don’t try to scare me ….

I am even prepared to ‘move’ again like I did in the past
…. Although I still do not believe that you want to put
yourself on the same level with people like Nicholas
Biwott as you have warned me in the past you would .

I have started the blog –


So when he then really called, I decided not to take his call.

Jeff then wrote on May 17th:

I have no idea what you’re talking about or where this

‘new’ anger is coming from ………..

I tried to call you yesterday as planned and today as well

but got no reply.

What’s going on ???????????????

Please tell me.

And in another mail the same day:

Will you please tell me what’s going on ??????

What am I being accused of doing now ??????????

I go away for three weeks, I come back and it’s like I’m
communicating with someone I don’t know …….

What happened between the time I left and now ???????

I replied:

No comment from my side …….. try to find out yourself

……. I am sure you will ………


And Jeff:

I am not interested in finding out something that I have

nothing to do with ………. And if you’re accusing me of
doing something without any proof then that is very
unfair and uncalled for …..

I thought we were friends but you obviously have other
intentions …………

Having tried my best to maintain this friendship, I’m

having a hard time understanding what’s going on…..

Jeff still feeling superior, still not understanding

anything ….. and even becoming offensive - gave me the
last confirmation that I had been right to start the blog.

I decided I should make my feelings clear – once and

for all. So I wrote:

Give me one reason why we should be ‘friends’ ……. just

one ….. since I don’t find any ……

I still have nightmares about London and what you


No other man in my life has ever done this …… so can

the ‘credit to be the first’ – something you always wanted
to be …….

But is this really something to be ‘proud’ of ???????

Maybe you will reply ‘yes’ – but I definitely (and with me

millions of women) will say ‘no’ ……..

Just think about this ….. and this is why I will continue
with my blog …..

Many women in the world are looking up to you – like

you once said “ I am the voice of the ‘voiceless’ ……”

But can you still take the responsibility ….. can you ?????

If you give one reason …… just one ….. I will stop the
blog immediately …….

And don’t worry – I spoke with Sassa about this and with
Frederik and with Njoroge …..

So you see, I have nothing to ‘fear’ anymore …… even if

it means to move …… after you threatened me that you
would disclose my address to Biwott …….. you cannot
scare me !!!!!!!!!

As you said once yourself: The truth has to be told – no

matter what !!!!!!!!!!

Remember ?????????



Since I had also informed the CNN Officials about my

blog, they obviously had taken immediate action.

Because already the following day, Friday May 18th, Jeff



Marianne, this will be my last communication with you

because as I’m sure, knowing you, it will end up as a
BLOG. But I feel there are things I must say before I

1. The whole Biwott thing that I mentioned many

months ago, was said out of anger and was just an

‘empty threat’. I would NEVER do that to someone
I consider a friend. We talked about that later and I
assured you that that would NOT happen …… it
still WON’T!!!!!!!!!!!

2. You PROMISED you would NEVER hurt me again

after your last BLOG ….. how quickly you forget ….
What happened in the last three weeks when I was
on vacation and ‘OFF-LINE’ ???? I came back and it
was like I was communicating with a different
person. What happened?

3. I did EVERYTHING you asked me to do and kept

my part of the bargain …….. I guess TRUST means
nothing to you.

4. I can’t keep living my life thinking that every three

weeks or three months you’re going to be
threatening to ‘BLACKMAIL’ me with the BLOGS ….
I have too much to live for.

5. You should take some time to ‘de-stress’ ….. try and

watch OPRAH and ask yourself, is this what my life
is all about???? ……Life is NOT all about ‘exposing’
people and ‘ruining’ reputations ….. there’s so much
more to life and so much to be GRATEFUL for …..
you’re NOT getting any younger and you don’t
need to HATE so much.

Just ask yourself, what would Dr. Ouko feel about what
you’re doing?? I think he’d be DISJUSTED !!!!!!!!!

Think about it.







During the next weeks the ‘story’ went around the

world mainly blaming me to have ‘shot’ down the
‘glamorous’ correspondent …..


And then – after two months of silence – Jeff finally told

his ‘version’ of the story:

After admitting that he had ‘crossed the boundaries of

morality’ and therefore had not only let down his wife and
his family but also everybody who had trusted him, he then
stated that he never ever had any sexual ‘encounter’ with me
in London, verbally: ‘ we met in the Lobby of her hotel, had
a drink together ….. and then decided to leave it at that’ …..












After having read my blog and mainly after having
seen the emails Jeff had written to me since August 2006
until the end of May 2007 and after having conducted a 2-
days interview with me, a certain Swiss Media Group has
come to the following conclusion:

This whole ‘affair’ was obviously a ‘set-up’ – i.e. certain

powerful men in Kenya have used Jeff to humiliate me, to
give me a lesson for having given evidence against them in
Nairobi and especially for the Declaration I had given to the
Sunguh-Committee in London.

Knowing Jeff’s close family connections to the leading

Kenyan Political Class and taking into consideration his
admitted own political ambition to become the President of
Kenya in 2012 latest, there is only one conclusion possible:

He has accepted to be their ‘tool’ to get to me and to

give me a ‘punishment’ ………..

According to them there is no other explanation for his

behavior with me and that includes also his ‘steamy love-
letters’ …….

Why else did he react ‘offended’ whenever I pointed out

to him the age difference – calling me ‘paranoid’ several
times ….. and even becoming aggressive and angry when I
told him that I would also see John Troon when going to
London in February telling me that it is him who invited me
…. that he had already made all necessary arrangements and
I should therefore not make my own plans ………..

Was he afraid that John Troon could warn me? Which

by the way he did when I told him that I was meeting Jeff.

Also John Troon said that Jeff had ‘set me up’ – that I should
have never trusted a man like that ……

Does this explain everything which happened? Was it

really a set-up?

Should I have taken into consideration how close and

friendly Jeff was with Biwott – embracing him ‘as usual’
whenever they met? And that it was Biwott who had asked
via his lawyers to stop me from leaving the country after I
had given evidence in November 2005 saying ‘she has to be

Was this the ‘punishment’ he had in mind and was Jeff

their ‘tool’ - if yes, what has he been promised?

A leading job in Kenya? A seat in the next Parliament?



I know that some people – and mainly Kenyan women

who have elected him in 2000 the sexiest man alive -
continue saying that I should have kept quiet - suffer in
silence ………..

But this would exactly be the wrong way. The truth has
to come out – no matter what it takes.

No woman should accept being ‘voiceless’ anymore.



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