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Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance

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Index
Marriage Know yourself Know what you want Rate the candidate Happy living Avoiding conflicts

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About us
Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance (EFG) has uploaded following presentations at http://myefg.in/downloads.aspx Also https://dl.dropbox.com/u/83265908/Links-events.xls has links Be mentor using your education, knowledge & experience to contribute for a social cause & do conduct free training seeking help of existing platforms. Kindly share with your friends Motivation for higher study, Planning for study, Education guidance, Career guidance, Career available after SSC & HSC Personality development 3 files How to prepare resume, Tips to attend interview successfully Religion related To understand basic religion, Do &Dont tips Health related - Be vegetarian, Be healthy Corporate - Project management, Assertiveness, Ownership Finance - To avoid speculation in stock market Social - Women empowerment, Choosing life partner
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Objective
To strengthen intellectual, emotional and spiritual aspects of your personality To select the best possible partner matching to your personalities & attributes To be happy in fulfilling your duties and responsibilities towards your spouse & families To be a mature, spiritually & emotionally healthy and committed spouse To be prepared for future challenges and conflicts - To change & grow to be better person and well-adjusted marriage partner
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Reasons for marriage


Marriage is a virtually universal human institution Right reasons to marry Companion throughout life, Unity Togetherness - Sharing good or bad moments, realizing dreams together Sharing, Loving, Caring, Giving Continuing generation, beautiful creation Child Wrong reasons to marry Money, or just Papers Position in company Just to have kids To serve ME
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Gain
Long term relationship & stability Better ritual culture due to common & deep understanding, supportive for next generation Improved family relationship Increased ownership, higher commitments Feeling of proud of relationship Feel of satisfaction & delight from peaceful & happy environment Financially wealthy & successful Active participation for function & celebration Increased morale & no conflicts
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Successful marriage
Reasons for successful marriage Common skills Good emotional & physical health High self esteem High education level High social status Pressure from society & kids

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Life span with spouse


Life expectancy in India is about 67 years Average age of marriage is 25 to 28 Thus you spend around 40 years with spouse Want to be memorable, happy & enjoyable?? Would not you want it to be with respect, trustworthy & dignified? 2 most important steps Select partner with complete thought Thereafter spend every moment happily Marriage is one of the most important decision a human being takes in his/her life Choosing your life partner is the most difficult task
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Predictor for success


Parent Model High marriage quality in family of origin High level of happiness in childhood Positive relationship between parents Support from significant others Parent approval of spouse Liking of in-laws Support of friends

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Start a day - Breakfast table

Which scene do you want to see across the breakfast table for the rest of your life?
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Saying & believing!


The value of person depends upon Skills attained Knowledge acquired Money earned Assets build Good deeds executed Relations maintained Love spread and Behavior exhibited! There is nothing better in the world than a good wife. A good wife is the one whose husband becomes glad upon seeing her.
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Have You!
You have own thoughts & feelings about social life, hobbies, religion, marriage, sex, children, work, careers, money management and future You have priorities & expectations about people to conduct themselves post marriage Have you openly discussed and evaluated your priorities and expectations? Communicate honestly & clearly

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Brainstorming
# 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 Category Marriage Marriage Marriage Personality Personality Personality Personality Personality Personality Personality Plan Plan Plan My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts Question What makes you eligibilible for the marriage? Most important points to be considered for a good marriage? Have you identified your needs and expectations? Describe yourself in ten lines Write down your areas of strength & weakness Make a list of feelings that are most prominent in you. Do you think you will be able to adjust to new culture? Are you comfortable sharing your feelings, ideas & problems? Do you make friends easily and long lasting? What expectations do they have from you and your spouse? What plans do you have post your marital life? What is your financial goal in life? How can one prepare himself/herself for successful marital life? What are the qualities of a good husband? What are the qualities of a good wife? What are the qualities and duties of a good father? What are the qualities and duties of a good mother? How are you prepared to fulfill your duties & responsibilities for spouse

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Brainstorming
# 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 Category My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts My thoughts Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Expectations Question Your basic approach to marriage? a team or as two independent individuals? What is your aim in life? What is your parenting philosophy? What are your need & expectations from your spouse? Are you willing to sacrifice some of your expectations? If so, which ones? Do you know the rights and duties of spouses? What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage? What should you look for in your life partner? List of positive habits and attitude you would love to see in your life partner. List of negative habits and attitude you would hate to see in your life partner. Fundamental areas that will critically cause an impact in your marriage? What are the areas of compatibility? (criteria of selecting spouse ) Does religion play an important part in marital life? What will be the impact of education on marriage? Why it is important to marry in a decent family? Importance of intelectual and cultural interests? Importance of wealth? Importance of physical appearance?

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First step - Know yourself


Who am I? What I want? Who would help?

How to seek help?

What are my dreams?

What to do to be there?
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Steps
Know yourself

Take pen & paper, Introspect honestly Know yourself

Be clear What you want? Expectations Compile the details about your expectations To discuss with parents
Discuss

Decision Making

Involve yourself also, Understand the options Know clearly What you will be getting Make a choice
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Evaluate yourself
Criteria Quotient Financial Influence Ability Parameters Memory Intellectual Constraints Well placed Self, Friends Parental Sustain Response pressure to change Personality Attitude Culture Traits Communication Leadership Excitement Passion to Enjoy to learn study Body Thin Normal Emotional Rich Relatives Quick learner Value Stability Liking & Interests Builder

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Evaluate yourself
Criteria Nature Entrepreneur Assertive My world Disciplined Creative Comfort Workaholic level Career Pursue for life time Liking Art Location In country Parameters Management Aggressive Social Stable Routine Leisure Follower Happy go lucky Dreamer Dynamic Smart working

Just few years Commerce At overseas

House wife
Science
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To decide
Decide ideal of each for the marriage When Where How Expectations

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When
An ideal time would be at the end of education career & initial period of professional career By law minimum age for marriage : Over 18 years for female & 21 years for male Before that age, the relationship will lack spiritual, physical, intellectual, psychological and financial maturity Females usually mature ~2 years earlier The ideal difference in age is between 2-4 years

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Where
At social function Involving relatives & friends, including activities such as gathering, musical nights, treats, trips, decoration, dances, etc Court Also at court by registration according to the law By way of religious ceremony By way of social gathering By combination of social & religious Among mass-marriage
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How to find
Arranged marriage Communicating readiness to friends & relatives Community based Websites & search Love marriage At college, work, social life Types Endogamy: Marriage within a particular group Exogamy: Marriage outside a particular group

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High Level expectations


Compatibility to be checked for partner for 4 attributes Intellectual, physical, spiritual and social Let us add another -- emotional development. Thus marriage and family life would be five-fold

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Important similarities
Race & culture 97% marriages of same race Religion Issue arises if gap in practicing religion is too wide Socio-economic status Men often marry down, women often marry up. Age Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed Horoscope matching Match of profession & status Residence area - Geographically locale
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Family attributes
High level factors related to families influencing marriage Love and respect between parents How they deal with relatives Harmony between the families Culture Communication - Ability to express feelings Responsibility (Level of success in life) Financial Status Health

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Cross culture marriage


Often it is said to be an emotional decision May brings in religious & social cross culture issues where practices & habits get challenged Non-vegetarian food for vegetarians family Different languages Loneliness during social events Cheating Often relationships used to cheat a partner sexually or financially Interference from the friends, you might be one of many! Partner might not be keep commitment Dreams & reality differs deeply
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Partnering
Caring
Loving Environment Culture Trust Honesty Sharing Way of life Methodologies Partnering

People Families Transparency

Respect Dignity

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Expectations
What characteristics are most important for you to see in your partner? Know crystal clear what you expect about partner
Partner should be close to me in terms of my : Spirituality, Financially, Academically, Physics Finding suitable & compatible match would minimize many problems later Few will form unreal expectations of what they are looking for in a partner
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Smart partner
Aligned culture, attributes & a common purpose of life Clear but realistic expectations Being open minded & committed, open while expressing feelings and thoughts Being a refined and sensitive Treatment to other people Focus on long term relationship Seeing relationship as a win-win & healthy Sincerely wanting to be together with proud, dignity & respect and equality Am I hoping to change after were married?
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Expectations
Joint family or independent family? Open or conservative culture? Small & limited family? Social or religious family? Caring & loving Handsome, Smart, Clever Dreamer, ambitious? Simple living, high thinking? Intellectual Social, religious? In own country or overseas? Well to do, rich? Well settled or capable to settle More educated than me?
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Wanting attributes
Please check these attributes during informal chat or discussions

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Questions?
Believes Faith? Religious? Ritual? Humanity? Modesty? Character? Manners? Approach towards life Selfish? Would serve others? Spending money? Respect others? Stubborn? Any addictions? Quick to lose to friends? Ambition, greediness, Laziness Ability to forgive?
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Questions?
Culture? Friends? Social? Reading books? Browsing websites? Movies? Music? Spending time? Personality? Hobby, Habits, Health Decision making? Thoughtful or in rush? Punctuality in time? Like to own everything? Say sorry when wrong? Suspicious about people around? Humility?
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Evaluate a candidate

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Rating
# 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Attributes Religious Maturity, taking everyone together Hobbies Health Habits Dreams Good looking- height, weight, Life style Flexibility Loving & Caring Learning ability, Aptitude Education. Clever Street smartness Skills Expertise People connect & social Family background Category Enery Enery Enery Enery Enery Enery Enery Enery Enery Enery Edge Edge Edge Edge Edge Engerising Engerising Ideal Actual Wt Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating 60% 10 6 0 70% 10 7 0 40% 10 4 0 80% 10 8 0 70% 10 7 0 60% 10 6 0 60% 10 6 0 60% 10 6 0 60% 10 6 0 80% 10 8 0 80% 10 8 0 80% 10 8 0 70% 10 7 0 70% 10 7 0 70% 10 7 0 60% 10 8 0 80% 10 8 0

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Rating
# 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 Attributes Clarity & communication Attitude Stability Self motivation Problem solving Reliability Ambitious, Goal oriented Family support, well to do, settled Kitchen/ Service Independent & Decision making Visionary Well organised/Planner Self desciplined/ Punctual Consistency Sincerity Value/ character Believes Trustworthy Category Weightage Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating Engerising 70% 10 7 0 Engerising 70% 10 7 0 Engerising 70% 10 7 0 Execution 60% 10 6 0 Execution 60% 10 7 0 Execution 70% 10 7 0 Execution 70% 10 7 0 Execution 70% 10 7 0 Execution 70% 10 7 0 Execution 80% 10 8 0 Execution 80% 10 8 0 Etiquettes 60% 10 6 0 Etiquettes 60% 10 6 0 Etiquettes 60% 10 7 0 Etiquettes 60% 10 6 0 Ethics 80% 10 8 0 Ethics 80% 10 8 0 Ethics 80% 10 8 0 350 244 0 0

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Due diligence
Seek matrimonial resume Scientific method to check brotherhood by assuring surnames of 4 relations to be out of domain of candidates - thus in all16 combinations (self, mothers brother, fathers & mothers mother) Due diligence Family background, Feedback, Status in society, Relationships, Reputation, Well to do, etc Cultural alignment Capability- Educational, Professional Financial stability, own accommodation? Checking compatibility, Check Soft skills Survival risks - service, job security, money matters Personality - habits, health, hobbies, etc
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High level match


Brotherhood Family background

Agreement

Effective relationship

Attributes Refer List

Family Culture
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Procedure-Arranged marriage
Seek matrimonial Check resume brotherhood Invite groom & his parents, family members Groom & Bride
Found ok?

Perform duediligence Meet to groom & his parents & family members Engage, Finalize Marriage plans

Is Meeting between compatible?

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Procedure-Love marriage
Check Meet, Understand, Continue meetings getting attracted brotherhood for due-diligence,
Agreed?

Convey to parents

Is compatible?

Parents Meet & Meet family Engage, Finalize Propose members Marriage plans

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Happiness
Enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction or joy Derived from small to big things or events Might be just very few moments of entire life span when you were extremely happy Everyone is struggling to seek happiness Happy are those who are free from hatred, disease, desire and worry Think who was the actor to make you happy? Happiness brings you peaceful mind, good health, moments of proud Then why to disturb it by small issues & quarrel?
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Seven vows
7 Vows- Promise to God to be partner throughout the life 1.To walk together throughtout life to get pure food 2.To walk together for a healthy & prosperous life, seeking physical, spiritual and mental health 3.To support each other to be wealthy, asking strength to share the happiness and pain together. 4.Determined for love aand rrespect for each other and their respective families 5.Pray for the beautiful, heroic & noble children 6.Request for the peaceful long life with each other 7.For companionship, togetherness, loyalty and understanding & to be friends for lifetime Marriage is a symbol of purity, union of two different people, community and culture
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Issues
Lack of understanding Priorities differs Methodologies differs Above results in Disregard & Distrust, cycle continues Missing on Loving, Caring, Sharing, Giving Different values Own world Ignoring & not sharing time Lack approval from family (for love marriage) Love cannot be the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. If ingredients are right, then the love will continue!
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Beware
It is observed that good looking handsome boy or beautiful girl (as the case may be) is preferred most, overlooking other critical & important attributes needed for compatibility! Men are valued for status & money Women are valued for good looks, child rearing & homemaking skills Do not marry just for the sake of Beauty Wealth Dowry Close reference
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Beware
Before you get married, keep both eyes & ear open, and after you marry, close the eyes Before committing to someone, dont let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self esteem make you blind to warning signs, keep the brain working! Never fool yourself That you can change someone That what you see as faults arent really that important

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Dare to exit timely


In case you receive certain confirmed inputs/ facts contradictory to your image, understanding & acceptance, dare to exit timely before it is late It is never the late Involve all stake holders of your side, discuss, make decision Do not budge once you make decision Explain & Communicate affirmatively Complete the formality honestly

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Incompatibility

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Happily married life


The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence Be totally honest and kind at the same time. Control negative destructive impulses Control your anger Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions and everyday thoughts

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Tips
Beautiful tips Do not hit head against wall Know.....who matters Acknowledgement is the first step towards improvement Keep cool & calm, grow and behave!

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Accept totally
Lifetime to know each other People do not really know each other well Continue applying corrections & keep aligning Be flexible unforeseen events will happen. Be prepared for change people change, situations shift, relationships take on new dimensions, Couples can cope & adapt Have a positive attitude. Express positive comments most of the time. Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional space.
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What keeps it ON
Trust, Communication, Intimacy, Sense of humor, Sharing tasks, a sense of belonging Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc) Sharing common goals and interests Giving space to grow without feeling insecure Assurances of commitment Concern and care If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty, replacing by pain!
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Key element
Commitment as a symbol, not as a contract Equal focus on win-win, always! Trust which offers closeness, fluent communication & synergistic relationship Mutual goals & objectives can be achieved with deep support Continuous improve Timely communication & responsiveness Involvement of partners with each other , trust & respect for each other, must be magnified
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Thank You

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