Tuesday 13.11.


Between boom and bust
The business disaster that shook India’s economy By Jason Burke

54 days

Aditya Chakrabortty
Fiscal cliff explained

Paralympic inspiration
By Mike Brearley

Michele Hanson
I love the BBC

Town Called Malice
How we made

The shortest-serving club



George Entwistle and the Shortest Serving Club

Brian Clough Entwistle should remember that, sometimes, short tenures can lead to immortality. Clough’s notorious 44-day reign as Leeds manager in 1974 might have been embarrassing, but they ended up making a film about it. Michael O’Neill In April 1999, O’Neill became the new head of Barclays. Then, during his first day, he became the shortest-serving head of Barclays ever, after failing a medical. He suffered from an arrhythmic heartbeat that was exacerbated with stress. At least getting and losing a high-profile job on the same day isn’t too stressful. Pope Urban VII The figurehead of the ShortestServing Club is undoubtedly Pope Urban VII, the shortestserving pope. Yes, he only managed to hold his job for 13 days in 1590, before passing away from malaria ahead of his official coronation, but in that time he still managed to pull off the world’s first smoking ban. Proof that it’s not the time you’re given that matters, but what you do with it. Entwistle will do well to remember this. After all, only a titan could get rid of Total Wipeout that easily. Stuart Heritage


lthough it might appear that George Entwistle didn’t achieve very much in his 54 days as BBC director general – other than getting bellowed at by John Humphrys – the opposite is probably true. For instance, Total Wipeout was on TV before he took the job. Now it isn’t. That alone is probably cause for some sort of footnote. Isn’t it? Entwistle has also qualified to join one of the most elite groups in history: the Shortest-Serving Club. William Pulteney William Pulteney, the first Earl of Bath, became prime minister on 10 February 1746 and then resigned two days later because nobody wanted to be in his cabinet. William Henry Harrison Harrison was the ninth president of the United States. As a show of bravado, he took the oath of office in a rainstorm on 4 March 1841 without a coat or hat, and then died of pneumonia a month later.

William Pulteney 2 days

William Henry Harrison 30 days

Brian Clough 44 days

Pope Urban VII 13 days

Boris Yeltsin Entwistle kept his job for much longer than Boris Yeltsin. In 1998, during his presidency, Yeltsin sacked his prime minister and cabinet and declared that he was going to be prime minister from now on. Then a few hours later he changed his mind.

Sweyn Forkbeard Entwistle has also edged out Sweyn Forkbeard, who was the king of England for a mere five weeks between 1013 and 1014. Sweyn did, however, name his oldest son Cnut, which you have to admit takes some balls.


Seven ages of a boyband – when to get the tattoo?

1 The honeymoon period. Everyone is smiling. Photoshoots involve primary colours, larks and some sort of trampette. The teen sensations pose in Santa outfits for festive photo shoots. See: Gary Barlow’s naked bottom covered in red jelly. 2 The suit phase. By album two, boybandism has s become a job. The lads – let’s call them Antony, Lee, Duncan n and Simon – show how mature they are by ram-raiding Dolce & Gabbana.

See: Westlife, whose second suit phase was prompted by the existence in 2004 of rat-pack covers album Allow Us To Be Frank. 3 That inking feeling. Boyband members react to the fact that their lives are no longer their own ar lashing out with a “risky” by lash new haircut, while public smoking, indie allegiances smo and an tattoos are the next step. st See: Se Boyzone “wildman” Shane Lynch. m
Zayn Malik and Harry Styles from One Direction


ike grief and the ages of man, boybands exist in seven stages, and One Direction are already at the third. This week, Harry Styles has unveiled his latest tattoo, while Zayn Malik has been pictured – fag in hand – sporting a Nirvana T-shirt. Where’s your favourite boyband right now?

Shorter cuts
2 The Guardian 13.11.12


How to be Danish
Hooked Hook on The Killing? Got Go 280 euros to spare? You can s buy Sarah Lund’s latest jumper from gudrungudrun. com.

Big bang
Kuwait celebrated 50 years of its constitution at the weekend with the biggest firework display in history: 77,282 fireworks, costing £10m, over an hour. Suck on that, the Olympics.

An image from Dronestagram showing the si te of a US drone attack
Military studies

The website that reveals the US drone war

Pass notes No 3,280 Stepping aside
This is where James Bridle comes in. Using what little information there is, Bridle, creator of the New Aesthetic micro-blog, has set up Dronestagram. By marrying images from Google and target details from the BIJ, he has started to show the places hit in UAV attacks. On his blog, booktwo.org, Bridle argues that “drone strikes are the consequence of invisible, distancing technologies, and a technologically disengaged media and society...” The images on Dronestagram may be just “foreign landscapes”, but he hopes their immediacy will add to the demand for transparency. Earlier this year, Apple rejected an App that did much the same thing, apparently on the grounds that many people would find the content objectionable. Not, presumably, the relatives of the civilians who are often inevitably killed in drone strikes, however carefully targeted the attacks. Nick Hopkins Age: Pending. Appearance: More of a disappearance, really. Sorry, you seem confused. I’m trying to explain a new office craze called “stepping aside”, in which BBC executives temporarily leave their jobs. Oh right. Like taking a sabbatical? A bit like that, yes. Only you do it after something embarrassing has happened. Wait a minute … This is just posh talk for a “suspension”, isn’t it? Not in the least! Being suspended is when you’re told not to come to work while they decide whether to fire you. “Stepping aside” is removing yourself from the office for the duration of an inquiry. Completely different. I see. It began with the Newsnight editor Peter Rippon, who “stepped aside with immediate effect” on 22 October, pending the outcome of the Pollard review into his cancellation of an exposé of child abuse by Jimmy Savile. This is on full pay, presumably? Presumably. So to “step aside” is to announce that you are going to stop doing any work while continuing to get the money? I suppose so. No wonder it’s caught on. Not everybody is a fan, though. The BBC’s head of news, Helen Boaden (above), and her deputy Stephen Mitchell both had to be “asked to ‘step aside’” from their jobs on Monday morning. “Asked to”? Not “told to”? That’s what BBC News says. Hang on. Is this the BBC News that’s being reported on, or the BBC News that’s doing the reporting? “Step aside” is a quote attributed to the former. The latter reports that the pair were “asked to”. Look, I will admit I’m quite confused. People should just resign, like that nice George Entwistle. He didn’t resign. What he actually said on Saturday was that he would “step down”. Down? And that means he won’t come back and he won’t get paid? Oh, he’s being paid all right. He will get £450,000 – double what he was entitled to for resigning, but exactly what he would have got for being fired. So “stepping down” is like firing yourself? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Please don’t ask me any more questions. Do say: “Sorry, I have a terrible hangover. I’d better step aside for a few days.” Don’t say: “I blame Strictly Come Dancing.”


he military is normally only too pleased to herald its successes, and to praise the courage of those who put their lives on the line for their country. Perhaps it is the link (or lack of it) between these two that encourages them to talk-up certain missions, and come over all sheepish when it comes to drones. Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs) have been the one unqualified triumph of the war in Afghanistan. That is, if “success” comes in an equation where lots of people get killed, at next to no risk, at an affordable price. According to the Bureau of Investigative Journalism, which compiles figures on drone strikes, the US has killed up to 3,378 people in 350 drone strikes in the past eight years. And that’s just in Pakistan. The US also orchestrates drone strikes in Yemen and Somalia from a base in the tiny African state of Djibouti (which nobody is supposed to know about). But does the White House want to talk about this? Not unless it has to. And not even then.


Payment by Apple to license the Swiss Federal Railways clock design, according to a report in Tages Anzeiger. The company was accused of copying it for a screen icon when iOS 6 was released in September


4 Bye bye bye. Remember the member least excited to be wearing that Santa hat? Well he’s off. Doing A Robbie only works if you happen to be Robbie Williams (right). See: Bryan “Brian” McFadden, last spotted apologising for 2011 date rape-themed single Just The Way You Are (Drunk at the Bar). 5 The band plays on. Even if the lineup is still intact, a greatest hits will be deployed, usually with a protesting-too-much title such as Volume One or The Journey So Far. Then a member leaves.

See: Backstreet Boys’ Greatest Hits: Chapter One, which pre-empted Kevin’s departure. 6 The split. Unfortunately, the rumours are true, and from today there’s no more … See: All of the above. 7 Rebirth. The band announces a tour, repackaged greatest hits and a brand new album the following year. As with Doing A Robbie, Doing A Take That really only works if you’re Take That. See: Most of the above; others TBA. Peter Robinson

Flawed genius
Polling guru Nate Silver didn’t do so well predicting the 2010 UK election. According to the blog Political Scrapbook, he forecast far heavier losses for Labour and big gains for the Lib Dems.

Contrite, moi?
Lance Armstrong has tweeted this picture of himself “layin’ around” beneath seven framed Tour de France yellow jerseys.

“All men are created equal. LOLZ!” Daniel Day-Lewis apparently remained in character throughout the filming of Lincoln – even texting his co-stars in the style of the US president.

13.11.12 The Guardian 3

Aditya Chakrabortty
Those predictions of Obama’s America falling off a ‘fiscal cliff ’? Just as in Britain, it’s the right peddling scare stories



he morning after Barack Obama’s re-election, panic broke out. Radio 4 described financial markets slumping on worries over something called a “fiscal cliff ”. The New York Times, normally drunk on its own sobriety, warned of a “looming fiscal crisis”. Other newspapers and TV networks predicted an economic “abyss”, “peril”, even “imminent armageddon”. And that was before you got to the blogs. The clock is ticking, apparently. Obama has until New Year’s Eve in which to strike a deal with the Republicans – otherwise nearly 50 tax cuts will expire and the defence department alone will get slapped with $1.2tn in cuts. Unless the Democrats give the Republicans what they want in the form of further tax giveaways for the richest, the senator Mitch McConnell and his rightwing allies will block any attempt to extend borrowing – with disastrous economic consequences. It sounds like a budgetary version of the film Speed; but this is the fiscal cliff Washington is driving off. And the result will be another recession in the US (and, more likely than not, around the world, too) and soaring unemployment. No wonder ABC News calls it “taxmageddon”. There is just one problem with this version of events: it’s exaggerated. Distorted. More spiced-up than a bargain balti. For a start, the very term is wrong. Even if the most bloodcurdling predictions are borne out, there will be nothing cliff-like about 1 January 2013. Americans are not about to have a collective Wile E Coyote moment, in which they suddenly find themselves paddling furiously in mid-air – before the inevitable descent begins. This isn’t a cliff-edge at all; it’s more of a slope. Over a full year, the measures surely will be devastating (enough, predicts the Congressional Budget Office, to see the US economy go from growth of more than 2% this year to shrinking by 0.5% next year). Most recipients of a payslip will not immediately clock that they are paying a bit more in tax – although they certainly will over the course of a year. But that gives the Democrats plenty of extra time to come up with their own proposal for a deal and haggle with the Republicans. Yet metaphors matter; and so does media noise. Making out that some indescribable calamity is already inked into the calendar allows the right to hijack the Democrats’ budget plans even before Obama begins his second term in office. Britons have had some experience of this. After the general election of 2010, as Labour, the Tories and the Lib Dems negotiated over who

Americans are not about to have a collective Wile E Coyote moment

would form a government with whom, the press and commentators in financial markets colluded in the pretence that the Great God of Gilts had no time for democratic deliberations. Nick Robinson was on TV heckling Lib Dems: “Are you not in danger of playing both sides while the country waits and the markets quake?” And then, when Cameron and Osborne were safely installed in Downing Street, they regularly warned that unless historic cuts were laid out now, the markets would treat Britain as callously as Greece. The results we now know: businesses and consumers sat on their hands; tepid recovery was snuffed out; Britain went back into recession, and even now our annual national income is some 5% below what it was before the crisis. Democratic debate was railroaded; the wrong economic policy was followed – and it was all done to avert a wildly inflated threat. Something similar is happening in the US this time. Not everything is the same, of course, since history rhymes rather than repeats. So the argument in the US is about avoiding having too small, av rather than too big, a deficit next year; even rightwing Americans acknowledge that severe and acknowl sudden austerity would be disastrous. b But the budget hawks i the US do want Obama in to accept austerity over th longer term; and, the what’s more, they have p plenty of money behind them. One of the major figures in that debate is the private-equity baron Peter Peterson, who has his Pet own foundation and is pumping fou in millions to push for a mil “grand bargain” in which “g the Democrats are forced to slash social security and health spending to avoid the fiscal spend cliff. With t that much money, he has plenty of allies in Washington, too – including former Clinton includ House White Hous official Erskine Bowles, being who is now bei talked of as a possible new treasury secretary. America’s Democrats learn I can only hope that Am British experience. Because their lesson from the Brit the right here owned the language and framed wasn’t the debate. But that wasn enough to defy economic reality. The US, like the rest of the west, needs to about have a serious debate abo its long-term budget outlook. But that needs to take into account how t and to reduce its debt fairly an sustainably and in a growth. way that allows for growt Exactly the debate that, two years into its austerity government, au Britain is still waiting to h g have.

This week Aditya bought a stack of old Grantas. “Five for £4 from Charing Cross Road, for all my old favourites: Dirty Realism, Richard Lloyd-Parry from Indonesia, Philip Knightly on news …”
13.11.12 The Guardian 5


rive out of Delhi, across the heavily polluted Yamuna river, turn right and head towards the new $400m Formula One track – India’s first – at Buddh. Take the Noida expressway, a six-lane speedway through what was farmland only a few years ago. Either side, skeletal concrete monoliths rise among the remaining fields. They are apartment blocks, homes for India’s new middle classes. Many projects have names that mix supposed European sophistication with a sense of bucolic rural idyll: Lotus Boulevard, Gardenia Glory, Blossom County. Then there is the “Brys Buzz”, an immense 81-storey glass and steel skyscraper, which is apparently “a dream born out of a vision to give the super-rich the home they deserve”. In fact the Indian “super-rich” can afford something a little more exclusive. Vijay Mallya, India’s most flamboyant businessman and the chairman of the vast beer and spirits conglomerate

United Breweries, has a sprawling coastal villa in Goa and a dozen or so other properties. Other tycoons live behind high walls and broad green lawns in mansions in the centre of Delhi. Mukesh Ambani, the chairman of Reliance Industries and India’s richest man, has built himself a home towering above the slums of the commercial capital of Mumbai. With a reported price tag of $1bn (£625,000), it is the world’s most expensive private residence. It is Mallya who is in the news in India these days. Watching Sahara Force India, the F1 team he leads and co-owns, compete in the country’s second ever grand prix last month, the 56-year-old multimillionaire bullishly rejected any suggestion from reporters that he might have avoided the fixture. After flying in from overseas he asked: “Was there any doubt about my presence here?” Well, yes, is the answer. There was plenty of doubt. For Mallya, the selfcrowned “king of good times”, has fallen on hard times. His seven-year-old airline has been grounded after authorities suspended its licence to fly on safety concerns. Crippled by debts which may exceed $2bn, Kingfisher had difficulty paying employees’ salaries. When engineers downed tools,

its planes stopped flying. There were even reports, denied by Mallya, that the tycoon’s own private jet might be impounded by Indian airport authorities, which say Kingfisher owes them huge sums. Some suggested that the man described as India’s Richard Branson might choose not to come back at all. But the Kingfisher saga is about more than just 4,000 jobs, an airline, large amounts of public money and the career of a maverick tycoon. It is about India. Economic growth is slowing – falling below the level seen by economists as necessary to keep up with the fast-growing population – and confidence is faltering. There are huge problems with key parts of the infrastructure – as shown by the three-day power cut that hit hundreds of millions in the summer. Graft is rampant, the currency weaker than it has been for years and public finances fragile. Cut-price tickets failed to boost tepid sales for the F1, with a third less seats sold than in 2011. The pundits say that is usual for a new grand prix, but like Mallya with his parties, his $95m yacht and his calendar girls, like the $200 caviar pizza at the new luxury hotel in

Fall of an Indian hero
Over the past 10 years the Indian economy has soared, and with it enterprises such as Vijay Mallya’s Kingfisher Airlines. But now the super-rich tycoon’s fleet is grounded and debt-ridden, does it mean the boom-time is over for India? By Jason Burke

6 The Guardian 13.11.12

Delhi, the event already seems part of an earlier time when nothing seemed capable of slowing, let alone halting the inexorable rise of India. And when everything was possible – even a high-end luxury domestic airline in a country where almost one toddler in two is malnourished. When it was launched in 2005, Kingfisher Airlines was intended to break the mould of Indian air travel. For decades, Indian travellers had put up with a single national carrier. The economic reforms of the early 1990s that partially dismantled a socialist-style command economy that had limited

economic growth to negligible levels in previous decades led to a boom in private air operators. Mallya, who inherited the chairmanship of United Breweries when he was 28, spent the early years of the post-reforms era consolidating its dominance in the beer and spirits market. As well as a talent for self-promotion and a taste for high living, Mallya showed acumen, determination, drive and considerable appetite for risk. Kingfisher beer became a household name and the business of making it hugely profitable. But Kingfisher Airlines was a late addition to a crowded and tough market. Its USP was “glamour”. Flying Kingfisher meant being part of the Kingfisher world, a world of parties, fun and

good-looking, wealthy people. It meant being part of the new, booming India. Kingfisher was aspirational. Mallya put his own persona at the heart of the brand. The traditional Indian businessman had been reclusive, hardworking, traditional and often pious. Mallya’s own father was low-key, gritty and obsessed with accountancy. Many of the country’s richest men – Ambani or NR Narayana Murthy, the co-founder of IT giant Infosys – are still in that mould. Mallya was very different, and represented a very different India. The influence of decades of socialist ideology, of Gandhi and his asceticism, of a generalised distaste for conspicuous consumption have waned rapidly. Other hierarchies beyond those dependent simply on money, such as caste differences, inherited prestige, title or office, have become less sure too. “India had never had a leader, especially in business, who had been unapologetic about his wealth and enjoying his wealth,” said Saritha Rai, a columnist for the Indian Express. “New younger Indians see wealth as a gauge of status. They are more westernised and more materialistic.” They are also wealthier. In 1992, according to the World

High rise … a child on the building site of a new housing estate south of New Delhi

13.11.12 The Guardian 7


The cost, in dollars, of Vijay Mallya’s luxury yacht

1 million
The number of passengers Kingfisher carried in May 2009

Mallya’s personal wealth in dollars, having been relegated from Forbes list of billionaires

Bank, India’s gross national income per head of population (GNI) was around $350 (£220). By 2005, when Kingfisher was launched, it had reached $700. Much of this new money was concentrated in the “super rich” – one recent study found that billionaires’ wealth comprised less than 1% of national income in India in 1996 and more than 20% in 2008 – but even in a country where “middle class” really means “not desperately poor” there was much more cash being spent. “India is the youngest nation in the world,” Mallya told an interviewer in 2007. “We have 500m people under 25, and 400m under 20. India has 1 million university graduates each year. Today, these people are getting jobs in industries that didn’t exist in my time, in software and biotech. They want to live like kids in Europe with satellite TV, cars, bars and restaurants.” They also wanted to fly. But did they want to fly Kingfisher, with its owner who welcomed passengers in pre-takeoff videos, boasting in a plummy drawl of “personally picking” cabin staff and instructing them to treat customers “as if you were a guest in my own home”? At first it seemed so. For several years everything went as planned – even if Kingfisher never actually made a profit. The airline expanded rapidly. In May 2009, Kingfisher carried more than a million pashighest market sengers, giving it the hi share in India. An international inte service was launched. By 2011, launched India’s GNI per capit had doucapita bled again to more t than $1,400, and Mallya was being hailed as bei a standard bearer for the new wave of swashbuckling swas Indian entrepreneurs – all while having fun. “It was a time when t he could not h put a step p

wrong. The champagne was flowing and no one asked: who’s going to ride these planes?,” said Rohit Bansal, a former aviation journalist and business consultant. Kingfisher shared its name with India’s most popular beer and the link with high-living was reinforced at every possible opportunity. Mallya bought a franchise to run a team in the brash new Indian Premier League, a TV-friendly rapid-fire cricket tournament, guaranteeing further publicity in a sports-mad nation. The Mallya Collection, “comprised of hundreds of cars in over 10 countries owned by sports enthusiast Dr Vijay Mallya,” got its own slick website. Images of the tycoon, diamonds in his ears and his wrists, mane of greying blond hair swept back, posing with bikini-clad calendar models or Bollywood celebrities filled the society pages. But there was trouble brewing. The first warning sign was a series of unexpected flight cancellations at the end of last year. The company blamed technical issues but the problems rapidly worsened. In a cut-throat business with wafer-thin profit margins, Kingfisher’s glamour simply did not make money. Indeed, the airline was losing huge amounts of money, even before it became clear that India’s economic growth had started to slow, and with it people’s willingness to pay over the odds for luxury. Kingfisher soon had difficulties paying for fuel, particularly as costs were inflated by surging oil prices and punitive government levies. Tax demands began mounting up. So, to, did claims for airport fees. Salaries went unpaid. Through this spring and summer, further flights were cut. Expensively leased planes stood idle. Key staff repeatedly walked out. A Kingfisher store manager’s wife killed herself, leaving a note blaming financial worries for her decision. Almost all employees stopped work. Shortly after the company’s licence was suspended by regulators on 20 October, civil aviation minister Ajit Singh told a TV channel: “It is unrealistic to expect Kingfisher to fly again.” The question immediately asked

was: how did it come to this? Many blame the imprudence of Mallya himself, arguing that his emotional attachment to the airline blinded him to hard economic reality. Others point to a broader responsibility, asking why the banks and the regulators failed to act sooner. According to the campaigning magazine Tehelka, “the Kingfisher episode, with its high-octane mix of politics and business and smell of cronyism has raised questions about the independence ... of India’s banking system”. In fact, although Mallya sits in parliament as an independent senator and is known to have had good relations with a string of civil aviation ministers and regulators, his networking is barely worthy of comment by current Indian standards. Recent years have seen corruption scandals costing the public exchequer tens of billions of dollars but even in a country where allegations of graft are common, no one is alleging any wrongdoing by Mallya. Anyway, the money came easily, without any illegality. In the past five years, the debt of the 10 biggest corporate houses in the country to banks has risen fivefold. Mallya’s companies are not among them, but the tendency of Indian public lending institutions to lend vast sums on comfortable terms to people who are already extremely wealthy, rather than to small businessmen and entrepreneurs, is well established. “The banks’ mantra is to recapitalise those who already have massive net worth, often without real collateral,” said Bansal the consultant. This cosy relationship is a key reason for the extraordinary wealth of many of India’s super-rich, recent studies have concluded. It is at the heart of the nation’s distinctive economic system, dubbed “curry capitalism” by some commentators. The considerable leeway offered to Mallya, particularly by public banks that may now lose very large amounts of taxpayers’ money, may also simply

8 The Guardian 13.11.12

By Patrick Kin


Making democratic music
The orchestra isn’t the first place you would look for non-hierarchical democracy. Its music is sometimes seen as elitist, while its musicians are often (if not always) beholden to two individuals: the composer and the conductor. Tod Machover wants to change that. A composer and inventor, Machover is currently writing a symphony about the city of Toronto in collaboration with not just the city’s orchestra, but also its 2.6 million residents. “It’s beyond crowd-sourcing,” he says over afternoon cake. “I think of it as massive collaboration. Crowdsourcing is a one-way ask for something very specific. Collaboration is something that goes back and forth, and turns into something truly open.” Machover already has a loose backbone of the piece – but the rest is up for grabs. He might give two of the piece’s main chords to schoolchildren, and ask them to come up with melodies that link them. For the last few months, residents have sent him recordings of their favourite city sounds, which he then turns into music at public workshops around the city. He also uploads recently imagined sequences, and invites all-comers to improve them – often on Hyperscore, a composing programme that simplifies music notation. “A lot of the project has to do with who’s actually responded,” he admits – but even so, it has blown a usually conservative institution wide open. “Orchestras are expensive. The economics make it more difficult to generate much new repertoire now than it was 100 years ago. So the temptation is to turn the orchestra into a museum institution.” With the Toronto symphony, Machover wants the orchestra to do the opposite: to democratise classical music, while still making something that is creatively excellent. “I want it to be something that I feel proud of, and I don’t want to feel like I’ve just managed something,” explains the man who, incidentally, created the technology behind the computer game Guitar Hero. But equally, he says: “I want something to be created that I couldn’t have done by myself, and for everyone else to feel that way too.”

‘We thought India was impregnable and Mallya was the embodiment of that India’
have been due to an almost irrational collective desire to see Mallya succeed, at all costs. Mallya’s victories were, and still are, to a certain degree, those of his country. “We thought that India was impregnable and Vijay Mallya was the embodiment of that India,” said Bansal. Well before launching Kingfisher, Mallya had established his credentials as a patriot by spending millions of his own money to bring the sword of 18th-century warrior king Tipu Sultan, seized by the British after a bloody war, back to India from the UK. Though the champagne has long stopped flowing, Anjun Kumar Deveshwar, a 33-year-old Kingfisher maintenance engineer who had not received his £2,000 monthly wage since March, recently described Mallya to the Guardian as “an Indian hero”. It is perhaps only when living in India, and exposed every day to the white heat generated by the desire of so many people for a better life, that such adulation becomes comprehensible. “There are tens of millions of people who are living vicariously through Mallya,” Saritha Rai, the columnist, said. “They know they could never reach his level of wealth but still think, maybe one day, it’s possible they might just have a little bit of his lifestyle.” The tycoon has 1.46m followers on Twitter. Opprobrium has instead been directed on Mallya’s 25-year-old son Siddhartha, known as Sid, who has been groomed as the tycoon’s successor at

the head of the family business. Sid’s onerous task in recent weeks has been to scour the world for models for the next Kingfisher calendar. Like his father, he is a fan of social networking. Recent tweets have given some clue to how he has been spending his time. One read: “Just spent the morning playing volleyball with 12 bikini-clad models on the beach … now I understand why people hate me. HA!” There is a chance that Mallya senior may just yet bring things round. He has just sold a huge chunk of his beer and spirits empire and could potentially use some of the $1bn the deal generated to get Kingfisher Airlines flying again. The Indian government recently eased restrictions on foreign investment in domestic air businesses, which could, perhaps, see a new infusion of capital from a big international carrier. As Kingfisher’s licence was suspended, not cancelled, its planes can fly as soon as financing and safety issues have been resolved. A deal with the unpaid staff by which some of the arrears in salaries will be paid in coming weeks has, at least for now, ended the walkouts. One recent Mallya tweet spoke of relief at being relegated from the Forbes list of Indian billionaires – he is now worth a mere $800m (£500m) – as his new status will mean less “jealousy” and “wrongful attacks”. Another tweet pointed to a degree, if not of contrition, then of somewhat embittered regret. “I have learnt the hard way that in India wealth should not be displayed. Better to be a multibillionaire politician dressed in Khadi [homespun cotton],” it read. On the Sunday of the Indian Grand Prix, the tycoon was at the F1 track, cigar in hand, watching the race. Vast advertising hoardings on circuit approach roads, urging “C’mon India, raise the flag!”, declared Mallya’s drivers to be the only ones “powered by the hopes of a billion people”. The claim was hyperbole, of course. Most people in India have never heard of motorsports. But it was not entirely unjustified. The hopes are certainly there. And it would take more than the failure of a single airline, “glamorous” or otherwise, to dampen them.

Grounded … (from left) a Kingfisher aeroplane on the tarmac; a staff protest march; and Vijay Mallya enjoys the good life


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Will to win … gold medallists Jonnie Peacock and (top) Ellie Simmonds

10 The Guardian 13.11.12


ow is it that the Paralympics were so moving? Nearly two months later I still ask myself the question. The memories have stayed with me – of the tears I felt at the sensational courage, fitness and desire in the wheelchair 400 metres of David Weir and his fellow competitors as they hammered their way, backs horizontal, necks forward and raised, arms pumping; like swans in flight above a river. Or the guided blind runners, young women hand in hand with male runners in the 200m sprint, freed into lightness from all inhibition. Or the women from Saudi Arabia and Jamaica trying to warm themselves in the chilly evening breeze before putting the shot or throwing the javelin from sitting positions. What lay behind my tears? Was it pity, a patronising attitude? Or was it partly denial of a real, though embarrassing, discomfort in relation to disability, an unease combined with triumph that we may all feel at some level? Or, more simply, was it a matter of being moved by the courage of these sportsmen and women in overcoming disadvantages? Though most of us have not had legs blown off, or suffered from meningitis as children, we all have nevertheless some inner knowledge of how hard it is to be unable to do things that others can do, to feel vulnerable or ashamed or humiliated. One palpable feeling that stayed with me afterwards was the sense that I, too, could now tolerate more, and face more, of the little and big obstacles of ig living; that I could live with these difficulties, and go through the procugh ess of struggling to learn new skills, n new competences. I (and you) can nd learn from these athletes; the es; experience of watching them can result in a calmer, less ess anxious, frame of mind. I . think all present also reccognised a shared sense of generosity in the crowd; d; the powerful insular passsion and patriotism did not push out respect and admiration for tion all the athletes. As I think back to the exe traordinary events of early Separly tember I also reflect on how we reacted differently to different iff classifications of event – from athletes with magnificent phyent siques (the blade runners had ers an air of mythical beings, larger gs, than life) to others with more h pervasive and severe disabilities. isabilities.

Power of the blade runners
Two months after the Paralympics, former England cricketer Mike Brearley is still moved by the athletes and what they taught us all

Some of the athletes had inborn limitations, other acquired. Those in the former category will feel that their limitation is their norm, and may therefore feel uncomfortable when people like me go on about their bravery. “They can’t see what all the fuss is about,” says Ian Martin, the England and Wales Cricket Board’s head of disability cricket. But I suspect these people have nevertheless had to face down the ridicule, embarrassment or mockery of others, on top of requiring others courage as that of their the same sort of co colleagues. Olympic collea As a psychoanalyst I am fortupsycho privy nate to be priv to similar strengths and courage, mainly in relation to m psychological psychologica limitations. I can be upset or troubled by others’ problems and difficulties, proble but I can also admire and be touched by people’s t orts effo to make the best of a bad job without manic attempts to deny the pain, without shifts to superiority or to callous indiffero means ence as mean of dealing with sense envy or a sen of inadequacy. Some patients are remarkably free patient grievance from grievanc – or they struggle pluckily with this familiar tendency. th There are two main sources of error that we as analysts or therapists may fall into in relation to i psychopathology psychopatholo or psychological disability. One is to lack empathy, i comprehend and take on to fail to compr the something of th burden of sufwhich is directly fering, both that w expressed and that which is projected and given to us to experience. The op-

posite error is that we allow ourselves to be moved in the wrong way, with too much pity; we may go along with exaggeration of suffering, with a victim mentality in which resentment at the cards dealt one becomes more powerful than getting on with life. As analysts or therapists, we need to confront such grievance and envy to enable patients who are in their grip to become more responsible for their actions and attitudes. Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner, told a story of his mother’s matter-offactness when trying to get him and his siblings to school on time: to his brother she said, in effect: “put on your shoes, it’s time for school”; and to Oscar: “and you, Oscar, put on your legs. And hurry up.” Talking to the former England cricket captain Andrew Strauss, and coach Andy Flower recently, I discovered that their highly successful working partnership in leading the team was based not only on a similarity of attitude to the team. They also balanced each other; Strauss (in Flower’s words) had remarkable empathy and support for his team, and earned their love. Flower, according to Strauss, was willing to ruffle feathers when players needed to be confronted. Empathy and confrontation – both are qualities needed by leaders, parents, teachers, coaches and, in fact, everyone. Paralympic athletics has perhaps come of age when ambition can be robustly or even crudely owned, as in the men’s sprints, with accusations from one athlete (Pistorius) about the length of another’s (Alan Oliveira’s) blades, while in the ensuing 100m there were two tense and touchy false starts, even possible gamesmanship in keeping other runners waiting. Disabled athletes are not exempt from the tensions and temptations of a fierce desire to win. All of us have our limitations, our misfortunes, our disabilities and our disadvantages. We all have the choice between underplaying our vulnerabilities (and then being prone to manic flight, addictions, escapes and retreats of all kinds) and overplaying them by becoming victims. We can, in short, learn a lot from the Paralympic athletes. Their predicament is ours, writ large. And something of their achievement, made possible by lottery funding and the state’s commitment, could be ours. A touch of nature makes us all akin. The experiences of all of us watching the Paralympics may result in such outcomes; I hope they will persist, that the small fires lit at the end of the closing ceremony create a growing heat, at both individual and public levels, in sport and beyond it.



udit Polgar is a phenomenon. She is not just the best woman chess player of all time; she is the best by a mile. Chess grandmasters (note master! – traditionally, chess barely recognised the existence of women) have official ratings. Polgar is the only woman in the world’s top 100; at her peak, and before she had two children, she was in the top 10. In December she will pay a rare visit to the UK for the London Chess Classic and do what she has always done – play as the lone woman against eight top male players, including world champion Vishy Anand and world No 1 Magnus Carlsen. Aggressive at the board and now getting back to her best after a mid-career slump when her results were poor following the birth of her second child in 2006, she will give as good as she gets. Does it feel odd to be playing against a field of men? “For me it is very natural,” she says. “I started when I was five, and grew up playing against adults and against men most of the time.” She never accepted the path many leading female players take, competing in separate women’s events and aiming at the women’s world title. She took on allcomers from an early age, became the then youngest ever grandmaster (male or female) at the age of 15, and didn’t bother competing for the women’s world championship because she could have won it in her sleep. She simply aimed to be the best in the world, regardless of gender. Polgar, who was born in Budapest, is one of three chess-playing sisters. The eldest, Susan, was women’s world champion; the middle sister, Sofia, was an international master; but Judit, hard-working and with an immense will to win, proved the strongest of all. The three were part of a controversial experiment conducted by their teacher father Laszlo, whose contention was that “geniuses are not born, but made”. He taught his daughters at home – the curriculum included Esperanto – and drilled chess into them from an early age. “I grew up in a very special atmosphere,” she says. “Everything was about chess. I learned from my sisters and won my first international competition at nine years old.” Did she resent being part of her father’s experiment? “In the beginning it was a game. My father and mother are exceptional pedagogues who can motivate and tell it from all different angles. Later, chess for me became a sport, an art, a science, everything together. I was very focused on chess, and happy with that world. I was not the rebelling and going out type. I was happy that at home we were

Polgar … ‘I grew up in a very special atmosphere’ a closed circle and then we went out playing chess and saw the world. It’s a very difficult life and you have to be very careful, especially the parents, who need to know the limits of what you can and can’t do with your child. My parents spent most of their time with us; they travelled with us [when we played abroad], and were in control of what was going on. With other prodigies it might be different. It is very fragile. But I’m happy that with me and my sisters it didn’t turn out in a bad way.” Top chess players can be dysfunctional – think Bobby Fischer, who Polgar knew when he lived in Budapest in the 1990s – but Polgar is relaxed, approachable and alarmingly well balanced. After her 2006-09 slump, she says she worked out how to juggle a career in competitive chess with having two young children, running a chess foundation in Hungary, writing books and developing educational programmes based on chess. “My life is very complex and rich now,” she says. Has she struck a blow for women by showing they can compete with the best men? “There are many guys who say: ‘OK, you are an exception, so you prove the rule. Show me the next.’ I say: ‘Yes, I am so far exceptional, but I don’t think I will be the only one in the upcoming decades.’” Women’s chess is getting stronger, more girls are playing at a very young age, and strong women players are emerging from China and India. Chess would benefit from an influx of women able to compete with the top men, because it would add spice to a pursuit that struggles for media attention. The first ever world title match between a male and female player would generate huge interest. Polgar came close to the summit – she was eighth in the tournament to determine the world champion in 2005 – but, at 36, realises that the chance to compete for the world title won’t come again. Forty is a watershed for top players, and many start to ease away from serious competition, but she has no thoughts of retiring. “I don’t like ‘never, never, never’,” she says. “I don’t think I could ever say that I will never play again, because even if I felt I could never play in top-class tournaments again because I don’t have time for the preparation, after a while you might one day think: ‘maybe, maybe, maybe … why not?’”
The London Chess Classic is at Kensington Olympia, London W14 from 1-10 December, hosted by Chess in Schools and Communities. www.chessinschools.co.uk

When the master is a woman
Judit Polgar was the youngest ever grandmaster at 15 and is the best female of all time. When will more join her at the top of chess, asks Stephen Moss

13.11.12 The Guardian 11


They need an education Roma girls leave school at 10 on average. What can be done about it?
A certain age
Michele Hanson

Florina lives in a two-room house with no running water in Targoviste, a city north-west of the Romanian capital Bucharest. Despite the smiles of her four oldest children, who crowd around to cuddle their two-month-old brother, her family faces crisis. “I haven’t paid rent since January. I’m borrowing money to survive but I’m in great debt. I earn what I can by collecting bottles on the streets for recycling, but it’s not enough.” Florina dropped out of education when she was 10 – the average age at which Roma girls leave school. Illiterate and unskilled, any job she does secure is likely to be for minimal pay. Studies into the status of Roma women in eastern Europe suggest that Florina is not alone. While the educational divide between Roma and nonRoma populations is stark, within the community, it is women who fare worst. A 2004 study by the United Nations found that a third of Roma women living in south-eastern Europe are illiterate, compared with a fifth of Roma men. More recent research carried out by Unicef in Albania shows a similar gender gap – Roma women there spend an average of 5.5 years in education, a figure which stands at eight years for men.


Percentage of most senior jobs held by women across 11 key sectors

Percentage of senior level jobs held by women in news media

Florina Milos (pictured with her son) dropped out of education aged 10 “We show mothers the benefits of school,” says Danela Gatlan, head teacher at Mihai Viteazul School, Targoviste. At the upper echelons of the EU, the benefits of improving Roma access to education are acknowledged. Roma represent a growing proportion of the European workforce, making up for more than a fifth of new workers in countries such as Romania. But so far, EU initiatives have had little impact. And while Save the Children’s project has proved successful – the majority of children who attended last year’s programme performed above the average by the end of their first school year, regardless of gender – plans to expand the project were suspended after the Romanian government failed to deliver EU funding on time. It is seven years since European governments signed up to the Decade of Roma Inclusion, an initiative that also highlighted the needs of Roma women. But there has been little help for Elena, a young mother. “My oldest daughter says she wants to become a nurse. I explain that is not a possibility now because we don’t have money for college. We will manage somehow, I hope. For now I tell her to study.” Rebecca Ratcliffe
To support the Ikea Foundation’s campaign (till 23 December) go to ikeafoundation.org

Percentage of top jobs held by women in the armed forces


‘Prostitution is a problem’
In Romania, education is free but equipment, and shoes to wear when trekking through snow to get to school in winter, are not. Desperate poverty – combined with traditions such as early marriage or, more commonly, the belief that girls should care for younger siblings – means many do not complete school. But a lack of education has lasting consequences, says Sorina Fekette, a social worker in Bucharest. “Domestic violence is a problem – so is prostitution,” she adds. “It’s the only way they can earn money. If their husbands leave, they are powerless.” Florina insists that despite financial pressures, she won’t let her children drop out of their school, which is run by Save the Children. Established to help Roma children access education, and funded through the Ikea Foundation, it does not charge for the equipment or dinners provided.

12 The Guardian 13.11.12


‘The man at the top has to take responsibility for what’s broadcast’ – David Dimbleby (below) But does it always have to be a man? guardian.co.uk/ women

Rotten luck if you work for the BBC. It’s almost as bad as being a social worker. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. A few of you cockup atrociously, and then the whole organisation must be lashed like a boatful of galley slaves. They even lash themselves. I heard someone doing it on the radio last week. He was questioning a hopeless, miscreant, BBC weed mercilessly, on and on and on. Rosemary couldn’t stand it. She switched off. But I lasted longer than her. The Weed was flayed alive. I don’t mind a bit of flaying. I just don’t like total removal of all skin. Why ask 50 questions, when 25 would do? But I suppose the public wants blood, and I suspect our government wants the last drop, because to them the BBC is stuffed with Bolsheviks, and worse still, not yet privatised. And so I feel obliged to defend the BBC to my last breath. I love the BBC. It’s been with me all my life, from The Flowerpot Men, Dick Barton, Quatermass and The Secret Garden, to The Thick of It, Sarah Lund and EastEnders, with loads of David Attenborough most of the way through, among a million other gems. And no adverts. I can’t live without it. Music while I work, Radio 4 in the bath, World Service when I can’t sleep. I even have a Shipping Forecast drying up cloth. “We map our lives to it,” says Rosemary. “We have our rituals. Walkies, then market, then back for Week in Westminster and From Our Own Correspondent. I love them whizzing round the world. Without it my life would be almost meaningless. We ring each other with instructions. Listen to/watch this, that or the other. Wouldn’t you be heartbroken if it was all lost?” Yes I would. “I’ve seen what happens when you don’t have a proper BBC,” warns Fielding, who has just returned from downtown Brooklyn. “You get American mainstream telly. It’s compulsory misinformation and brain-rot.” Give us Newsnight any day. We still love it. No one’s perfect. Not even Lord Reith. And I heard all about him on BBC radio.

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Style Q&A

Why does the Victoria’s Secret fashion show get so much publicity? I don’t see anyone giving a hoot about Ann Summers’ new range Mollie, London Last week was a great week for fashion hypocrisy. There was the Kardashian Kollection for Dorothy Perkins (although I do think it’s a shame they haven’t yet made a range for Kenzo as then it could be called KKK), a pairing that plumbed new depths. According to a spokesman for the store, the Kardashians are bringing their “exciting style to British high streets”, as well as, coincidentally, easy publicity for the oft-overlooked store while subjecting the British public to sub-Jane Norman clothes. Then there was the interview with Kate Moss in Vanity Fair in which Moss talked at length about how being told to pose topless as a teenager made her so miserable it nearly drove her to a nervous breakdown. So how did Vanity Fair decide to illustrate this heartfelt and rather astonishing interview? Why, how else? By getting Moss to take her top off and pose for three closeup photos, in one of which she is on all fours and, apparently, imitating a dog peeing. ng. But in the fashion-hypocrisy competition, the extensive coverage of erage the annual Victoria’s Secret show is, by w a healthy measure, the winner. Let’s be clear about this: Victoria’s oria’s Secret is a lingerie company. Not a particularly posh one, not even a particularly nice one, just a run-of-the-mill knickers manufacturer that has managed to convince a lot of people that it is somemething special and is now the largest st US manufacturer of lingerie. It is the Playboy Club of underwear manufacufacturers, selling an insultingly retrograde ograde vision of femininity (from Playboy: oy: bunnies, from Victoria’s Secret: angels), ngels), which some women, for reasons wholly unclear to this column, buy into. .

Ask Hadley Here’s the grubby truth about Victoria’s Secret and its so-called fashion show

‘The brand is the Playboy of underwear companies’

I walked past the newly opened Victoria’s Secret store on New Bond Street the other weekend and there were passing female tourists having their photos taken by their boyfriends and husbands in front of the angelically themed window displays. Photos! You don’t get that in front of La Senza, which is all, really, Victoria’s Secret is – but with an American accent. How has this company done this, you ask? I will tell you: it has done it by openly encouraging menfolk everywhere to masturbate over its wares. “Victoria’s Secret is known for its cat“Victor alogue and annual fashion show,” reads an the company’s commendably po-faced comp Wikipedia Wikiped entry. Indeed. In the US, the Victoria’s Secret catalogue has Vic become so infamous that it is now beco used use as a shorthand for easyaccess quasi porn in US sitcoms acc (Friends was especially fond of (Fr referencing it). ref The T fashion show has taken whole new level. Because this to a w Victoria’s Secret is so lucrative, it can afford to drag in improbably successful models to wear their tacky lines and excellent stylists who make the to hire ex thing whole thi look a bit less “La Senza on runway”. They then haul in cheesy the runw sleazehounds including Justin Bieber, sleazehou


Diddy and Justin Timberlake who, one imagines, don’t need too much persuasion to spend an evening with models in their underwear. There are only two reasons to have a fashion show for underwear, and I speak as someone who likes fashion shows and nice lingerie: to create the illusion that this brand is something more than a meh underwear label, and to get men off. Websites, magazines and, in particular, tabloid newspapers that generally ignore fashion shows altogether cover the Victoria’s Secret show with thigh-rubbing enthusiasm, delighted at having an excuse to publish pictures of young women in underwear and angel wings, and no one covers it more enthusiastically than that bastion of moral anxiety MailOnline. Now, to accuse MailOnline – the home of “Smartphones are sexualising children” and “Hard to believe she’s only 16! Kendall Jenner looks older than her years as she shows off her model shape in a stunning bikini shoot” – of hypocrisy is to slap oneself in the face with the giant hand of obviousness. But it is hard even for us old hands of MailOnline bullshittery not to admire its shamelessness in running around 30 stories on the Victoria’s Secret show. The Mail generally hates fashion shows as it believes that they cause anorexia. Yet its outrage dims when the models – the same models who appear in the usual shows – are walking on the runway in underwear as opposed to haute couture. A lot of men like looking at women in underwear. And that’s OK! But at least be honest about it and admit that’s all the Victoria’s Secret fashion show is. This isn’t “the most popular fashion show in the world”: it’s just a live-action Loaded magazine.
Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email ask.hadley@guardian.co.uk

13.11.12 The Guardian 15



ackson Pollock and David Hockney are a strange coupling. They occupy the first room of Tate Modern’s new exhibition A Bigger Splash: Painting After Performance. The 1948 Pollock, called Summertime: Number 9A, sits on a raised section of floor, under glass, with a clip of Pollock playing above it. On the other side of the room, Hockney’s 1967 A Bigger Splash hangs alone. Nearby, footage of the artist’s glamorous California life and loves plays on a screen. I try to listen to Pollock talking, but my concentration is shattered by a phone ringing in the Hockney clip. “Hi Jacko, it’s David,” I imagine the conversation going, as they swap paint recipes. But it doesn’t happen. In the Pollock film, the artist spends a long time struggling into his spattered old workboots before leaning over a skinny length of canvas, loading a brush, then dribbling and flicking paint over it, first from one side, then the other. Meanwhile, Hockney looks owlish and neat in round glasses as he tints the coiffure of a male portrait a

And fire!
Niki de Saint Phalle shot paintfilled balloons. Yves Klein used women as brushes. So why does Tate’s new show about painting and performance feel so safe? Adrian Searle wants more dirt

shade darker with a small brush. While Pollock works up a rhythm on one screen, a naked young man plunges into a pool on the other. The room seems to be all about oppositions: vertical and horizontal, spontaneity and calculation, figuration and abstraction, gay and straight. Hockney took two weeks to paint the splash caused by a dive, with its little passages of tiny dots, curly white lines, and carefully executed passages of overlayed hatching and tonal gradations. The Pollock just seems to happen. But so what? In the end, a Pollock is as calculated as a Hockney, and the pairing feels like an irritating academic conceit. All painting is a kind of performance. I guess curating is, too. Bodies present and absent are at the heart of this awkward and largely disappointing exhibition, which sets out to examine the relationship between painting and performance art since the 1950s. Niki de Saint Phalle used a gun to shoot holes in paint-filled balloons stuck to lumpy canvases. Kazuo Shiraga suspended himself in a kind of Japanese rope bondage over a canvas and painted

16 The Guardian 13.11.12

Present imperfect Video: Adrian Searle talks to painter Alex Katz about 60 years of capturing the moment guardian.co.uk/art

with his feet. This is a famous mess. The Viennese actionists Otto Muehl and Günter Brus and their friends mudwrestled in paint, which was even messier, but not as shocking as Stuart Brisley’s performances – which, in black and white photographs, look distinctly coprophagic, a kind of dirty protest. (There’s too much photography here.) Video footage of Yves Klein using naked women as living brushes or stencils is accompanied by a blue monochrome that has nothing to do with his Anthropometries, as the canvases that came out of these staged performances were called. This is a pity. Similarly, the film of Brazilian artist Hélio Oiticica and his friends dancing while wearing his painted capes needs to be screened larger for the euphoric, languid energy to come across. But I did enjoy the repeated up-crotch shots of Oiticica’s unartistic underpants. Oiticica went on to commission a series of photographs of drag queen Mario Montez on the streets of New York. There’s quite a bit of crossdressing, body paint and slap throughout the show: Warhol as Marilyn, Zsuzsanna Ujj painting a skeleton on her own skin. Paint can be like mud or faeces, and it can be delicate as makeup; it can adorn or besmirch, beautify or degrade. I wish there were a bit more of it here, and a few more real performances. So many of the artists here cry out to be dealt with in their own full-on, ecstatic, dirty, smelly, sexy, theatrical, orgiastic, atavistic, abject and even frightening ways. But they’re not. It all feels like a very goody-two-shoes Tate show. Everything is kept at a distance. What the show rarely does is give you the feeling that paintings, let alone performances, are made by bodies. We are tethered by earphones to video screens, kept on the threshold of stage sets in which there are no performers. There is very little sense of our own bodily engagement, of one’s own performance as spectator. Where’s the jolt of confrontation, our desires or repulsion as viewers? Karen Kilimnik is known as a painter, but her stage set for Swan Lake adds little to our understanding of any relationship between painting and the stage – one still, the other a place for action. Fake fog drifts, along with Tchaikovsky, through the gloom. Performance pioneer Joan Jonas is represented by a stage set, for her theatre piece The Juniper Tree. There are painted elements, along with a real kimono, wooden balls, and a figure made of sticks with a mask for a head – but so what? Shots of Valie Export in androgynous man-drag, Cindy Sherman in various

Clockwise from main, Niki de Saint Phalle’s Shooting Picture, 1961; Inhabited Painting, 1975, by Helena Almeida; With a Throne, 1986, by Zsuzsanna Ujj; Jean Cocteau, 20032012, by Marc Camille Chaimowicz early photoshoot guises, and the gender play of Andrew Logan’s Alternative Miss World, of Leigh Bowery, Urs Luthi and others all tell us something about how gender – as well as age or race – can be performed through dress, cosmetics and body language. But surely this is another show? This is something other than painting. A Bigger Splash nods to queer aesthetics and politics, to the transgression of social and artistic normative values, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough. It shortchanges its subject. Much of it is little more than a checklist – a bit of photodocumentation here, a video there, a lone unstretched painting here. A few photographs of Portuguese artist Helena Almeida walking between canvas stretchers, or overpainting her reflection in a mirror, give very little idea of her powerful performance works. The piece with mirrors and blue electrical tape by Polish artist Edward Krasinski is interesting enough, but to really understand how bizarre his work is, you need to visit the late artist’s preserved Warsaw apartment, which I was lucky enough to do last year. Krasinski had a perverse and absurd approach to living and performing the role of the artist that doesn’t come across here. At least Marc Camille Chaimowicz’s room-sized installation, loosely themed around Jean Cocteau, has the feeling of a whole world – with its wallpapers and furniture; paintings by Vuillard, Marie Laurencin and Duncan Grant; a Warhol Electric Chair screenprint; and numerous furnishings either built or arranged by Chaimowicz himself. Sadly, you can only stand on the brink, looking in. It does, however, give a sense that a whole life is to be performed. The show’s final space, by Lucy McKenzie, is rather beautiful. Are these paintings or a stage set? The whole thing is an imaginary room, with walls, fake marbling, trompe l’oeil radiators, a phone on the wall, the scuffs and stains and desuetude of a formerly elegant house, subdivided for multiple occupation. It’s brilliantly done. This is a set for an imaginary version of Muriel Spark’s 1963 novella The Girls of Slender Means. The whole thing has a feeling of sadness, of life as anticipation and anticlimax. What a performance it all is.
A Bigger Splash: Painting After Performance is at Tate Modern, London SE1, tomorrow to 1 April. Details: tate.org.uk


13.11.12 The Guardian 17


Wake up call
Famed for his inspired nonsense, Ross Noble is now switching to ‘real things’. The comic tells Brian Logan why


’ve no sooner turned on my tape recorder than Geordie comic Ross Noble unleashes a routine about Jimmy Savile. “Funnily enough,” it begins, “I told a joke about him at an awards ceremony years ago ...” On the story goes – it features necrophilia and an appearance by Paul Gambaccini – while Noble’s publicist shifts uneasily in her seat. But what else should we expect? Noble’s current tour marks 21 years in standup for the 36-year-old, during which he has rarely stuck to the script. Noble is comedy’s great freeassociator. Give him a line and he’ll show you a tangent. Give him a stage and he’ll digress for hours. Yes, there are strands of scripted material – but they’re launchpads for his loopy flights of fancy involving snooker-playing pirates, ballerinas blasted by giant fans, and Gerry Rafferty songs played on a squirrel saxophone. Few people have had more success just making stuff up. “If it’s in the head, it comes out the mouth,” says Noble, but it’s not quite as simple as that. His skill is not in generating nonsense, but knowing how to use it – what to leave, what to weave, what to conflate, what to reincorporate. In Noble’s hands, it’s a feat of virtuosity and a celebration of the unfettered imagination. Not that he’d like it to be seen that way. “I don’t want people to think about what I’m doing,” he says. “I want them to get lost in the show.” Noble is halfway through a national tour, an almost annual occurrence over the last 15 years. Few comedians gig so relentlessly; even fewer have built as big a fanbase while keeping TV appearances to a minimum (Eddie Izzard, Daniel Kitson, not many others). A few years ago, I wrote an article asking who actually makes money on

‘If it’s in the head, it comes out the mouth’ … Ross Noble

‘I’d do a gig, go back to my hotel, watch a film, then go to the next gig. I didn’t live in the real world’

the notoriously expensive Edinburgh fringe. The answer was almost unanimous: “No one – except Ross Noble.” But times are changing. The compulsive performer is now on stage less often, partly because he’s married – to his Australian partner Fran – and has a four-year-old daughter; the family lost their 100-acre farm near Melbourne in the 2008 bush fires. And his debut movie is also now on release – director Conor McMahon’s comedyhorror Stitches, which stars the comic as a zombie children’s clown. “Me slashing people to pieces,” he says. “It’s horrible, but it’s funny.” His standup is changing, too, he says. “For ages, people used to come and see me, and I was basically like an alien on Earth. You didn’t get any sense of – was I married, did I have kids, did I have a life? The answer was: I didn’t. All I did was gig, go back to hotel, watch films, travel to the next gig. So the fact that [my shows were just] loads of pop-culture references is because I didn’t live in the real world. Partly because I’ve got more of a life, I now tend to talk about real things.” It’s an exciting development – one that’s anchored Noble’s colourful noodling, offset his meaninglessness and made a really good act great. Stitches has also got him dreaming of a multiplatform existence in which his indie films (he’s now writing his own script) spark interest in his comedy, while his live show sends audiences to his films.

Ross Noble plays Newcastle City Hall (0191261 2606) tonight; then touring (rossnoble. co.uk). His DVD Nonsensory Overload is out now.

18 The Guardian 13.11.12


Our chat ends on the subject of this explosion of standup in the two decades he’s been working. Noble’s take on the phenomenon clearly establishes that free association isn’t just his stage craft, it’s his way of life. “I think it’s great,” he starts, before persuading himself, over the course of a 10-minute riff, that it’s anything but. “There are young acts now tailoring their act so it’s short and punchy and can get on Live at the Apollo,” he laments. “There’s no space for someone starting now who wants to do what I do.” Be creative, in other words, and unorthodox. After another few minutes of rambling, Noble conjures a dark vision for standup’s future. “We’ll have gone full circle, back to the shiny-suited, dickie-bow-tie stuff that alternative comedy first railed against. And in that post-apocalyptic world, I’ll be in goggles with a shotgun, driving around the wasteland, and there’ll be a TV show with someone who looks like Jim Bowen doing material that’s halfway between Frankie Boyle’s and Michael McIntyre’s.” So the comedy boom is a good thing? Noble smiles. “Well, it’s good for me. I’m not bothered about telly. The whole thing could implode. And like a cockroach, I’ll still be here.”


How they made Read more from this series, including the story behind The Piano and the Sooty Show guardian.co.uk/culture

How we made ... Town Called Malice ‘It’s partly about Woking where I grew up. I don’t think the swinging 60s ever hit there’
Paul Weller, singer-songwriter
In 1981, I was going through a few changes. I was taking note of what was going on in our country. When you’re touring, you’re often in your own bubble, but we were going around the country seeing what was happening. It was the start of the hardline Margaret Thatcher years, and places – up north, especially – were being decimated. At the same time, I was getting into black American soul. I’d heard a lot of Motown and Stax when I was a kid, but the more well-known end of it. On Jam tours, we had a DJ called Ady Croasdell, who ran a 60s club. He turned me on to underground stuff and what people call northern soul. It just blew my mind. We’d already moved on from punk. We’d been a three-piece for years, and there are only so many variations on the guitar/drums format. So I was getting into brass sections and female vocals and keyboards. I’d never read the Nevil Shute novel, A Town Like Alice, but I must have seen the title. The music came from us jamming. I remember us first hitting that groove and being fired up. Then I added the middle eight and sorted the song out, adding the organ. It was all done No 1 here we come … (from left) Paul Weller, Rick Buckler and Bruce Foxton pretty quickly. I remember feeling good about it, and when we played it to friends in the studio, everyone went “wow”. The song’s a strange contradiction. It’s got an uplifting feel, almost like a gospel song, but it’s also got a hard realism. I had most of the lyrics before we started the song, but they were just words written down in a book. They’re partly about Woking, where I grew up, which had always been a depressed place. That line “rows and rows of empty milkfloats dying in the dairy yard” was directly influenced by Woking. “Cut down the beer or the kids’ new gear” was about how people were struggling. I remembered my mum and dad: I don’t think the swinging 60s ever hit Woking. They were forever rowing about not having enough money. Malice was our third No 1 [for three weeks, in February 1982]. It’s one of my best songs, lyrically and in terms of what it means to people. I think it’s still relevant. When we play the opening bars, you can’t help being swept along. album on a reel-to-reel, which was a tape you could record over. So when I was learning guitar, I actually taped myself playing over Walk Away Renee. Derek was really annoyed! But all this goes in, subconsciously, and I rediscovered it through Paul. The Malice bassline is very similar to You Can’t Hurry Love by the Supremes, but it worked. When we hit that groove, you couldn’t stop your foot tapping. We were on a treadmill – recording, TV, touring – which I enjoyed, but it’s hard to remember things. It becomes a bit of a haze. We recorded the track at Air Studios in Oxford Street, London. and knew it was a winner. Rick [Buckler, drums] was always clicking away with his camera, and took a picture up north of some rundown houses that captured the sentiment, so we used it on the sleeve. Thirty years later, it’s such a joy to have been involved. As soon as I start that bassline, people go nuts.
Interviews by Dave Simpson. The Jam’s The Gift – Super Deluxe Box Set is released on 19 November on Universal. Bruce Foxton is on tour with From the Jam. Details: brucefoxton.com

‘It’s one of my best songs. When we play the opening bars, you can’t help being swept along’


Bruce Foxton, bassist
My older brother Derek had been an original mod. He had a Four Tops

13.11.12 The Guardian 19




n a piece the other day, I replaced the characters in a political drama with their counterparts from real life. Today I’m doing something a bit similar. Ponies, tricks, not very many, you might be thinking. But it’s not a drama this time, it’s a documentary. So I’m not turning fiction into fact, I’m just relocating the action, and changing the cast. OK? So Metropolitan police commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe shows up at the US embassy in London in a right old state. His boss, London mayor Boris Johnson, is going to kill him, he says, and he’d like to defect to the US please. The reason Boris is going to kill him is that Bernard knows that Boris’s wife – with whom Bernard became friendly when she was the target of mercury poisoning administered via her herbal supplement pills – is herself a murderer. Bernard says she killed a Chinese family friend (sort of) who was trying to extort money from them. His body was found in a Premier Inn close to the M25. Mrs Johnson is arrested. Her trial lasts a day, there is very little evidence against her (the body of the Chinese sort of friend was cremated quickly after his death), the evidence the prosecution claims to have isn’t shown in court, but she is convicted anyway and receives a suspended death sentence. Bernard doesn’t get his political asylum and is sent to prison himself. Boris, who was seen as going right to the very top in the next government, is under investigation too and is finished politically. Nothing is clear, except that there is the deepest corruption at the highest levels of the British politics. Nah, you say, nonsense (apart from the last bit, of course). If this was a drama, you’d claim it was a step too far, belief not just suspended but hung, drawn and quartered. It’s not drama though, it’s Dispatches: Chinese Murder Mystery (Channel 4), just with the location changed from Chinese megacity Chongqing to London, and the English

Chinese CCTV footage showing Gu Kailai being taken into court in August he can’t think of anyone less likely to murder anyone. Heywood’s Harrow housemaster says he was lazy, there was something missing, and Neil didn’t keep in touch after leaving. (Well, why should he? Maybe he hated you and your school? I find myself warming to Heywood: a bit of a maverick, a bit hopeless, he loved Talking Heads and didn’t fit in at Harrow.) And here’s Denis MacShane, talking about corruption in China. Yeah, pots and kettles, Denis … though, admittedly, expense fiddling isn’t quite murder by poison. Dispatches does have a new source though, a Chinese contact who knew both Heywood and the Bo family. The unidentified source sheds some light on things, but mainly on the characters involved – especially Heywood – rather than on what actually happened. The trouble is, the people who do know have either been locked up or are in hiding, too scared to talk for fear of being locked up too or poisoned and swiftly cremated before anyone can determine what really happened to them. It’s a proper and thorough investigation, an extraordinary story told better here than it has been before. All it lacks is answers, and an ending. Which it will probably never get, given the machinations, duplicity, divisions and dark forces at play within the Chinese communist party. Look, there’s Peter Mandelson with Bo Xilai. I told you there were dark forces at play. What’s he doing? Perhaps it’s not so absurd to think something like this could happen here after all … Full English (Channel 4), a new familybased animation, lacks the warmth of The Simpsons and the smartness of Family Guy. It’s baser, more British, more about arses, and blow jobs, and shagging the Queen, wey hey. If you’re puerile, a 13-year-old boy at heart, it may amuse you. I think it’s hilarious. It’s already series-linked.

Last night's TV A Chinese murder mystery that would be farcical if it weren’t a real-life tragedy

By Sam Wollaston
and Chinese characters flipped. For Boris and Mrs Johnson read Chongqing mayor Bo Xilai and his wife Gu Kailai; for Hogan-Howe read police chief Wang Lijun, and for the Chinese sort of friend read posh British sort of businessman Neil Heywood. It would be farcical, laughable even, a kind of Chinese Midsomer Murders, if there weren’t a real human tragedy – Neil Heywood’s death – at its heart. The story is familiar to anyone who has kept even half an eye on the news in the past year. But this Dispatches digs deep. They speak to a lot of people, some more useful than others. Among the latter are Gu Kailai’s Bournemouth landlord (she spent some time on the English Riviera when her son Guagua did an English course there) who says she was very smart, “a real lady”, and


I know he’s ours, but of all the TV food programmes. Ottolenghi’s Mediterranean Feast (More4) looks the best. Mmmmm.


13.11.12 The Guardian 21

TV and radio

Film of the day Tyrannosaur (11.05pm, Film4) Paddy Considine’s debut feature is a bleak tale of domestic abuse that makes for hard viewing, with utterly convincing performances from Peter Mullan and Olivia Colman.

6.0pm BBC News (S) Weather 6.30 Regional News Programmes (S) Weather

6.0pm Eggheads (R) (S) 6.30 Strictly Come Dancing — It Takes Two (S) Zoe Ball chats with Karen Hardy. 7.0 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip (S) Germaine Greer and Clive Anderson hunt for antiques in Lancashire.

6.0pm Local News (S) Weather 6.30 ITV News And Weather (S)

Channel 4
6.0pm The Simpsons (S) (AD) Bart pockets Denis Leary’s mobile. 6.30 Hollyoaks (S) (AD) It’s the morning of the double wedding. 7.0 Channel 4 News (S) 7.55 4thought.tv (S) Is faith a matter of nature or nurture?

The Paradise, BBC1

Watch this
The Paradise 9pm, BBC1
Being the final episode of this Zola adaptation, the plot’s chickens are finally coming home to roost. With Moray’s wedding to Katherine imminent, his expansion plans are almost at the blueprint stage, as he plans to buy the freehold to Tollgate Street using money loaned by her father. That, however, would be to reckon without the spell cast over him by plucky Denise. As she returns to the Paradise fold, it’s clear that Moray’s feelings for her are undiminished, so he resolves to end his engagement. John Robinson ward field trip to the Pennines, where Howard’s lust for Sabine and JP’s thirst for adventure leave each stuck between a rock and a hard place (one metaphorically, one literally). Back home, Josie reckons she’s discovered a fix for her entire future. Providing Heather doesn’t mind taking a tiny risk, that is. Mark Jones

7.0 The One Show (S) Team Rickshaw arrives in Bath. With Matt Baker and Alex Jones. 7.30 EastEnders (S) (AD) Cora’s reluctant to talk to Patrick. (Followed by BBC News; Regional News.)

7.0 Emmerdale (S) (AD) Kerry gets her marching orders. 7.30 The Martin Lewis Money Show (S) The financial journalist offers advice on claiming back mis-sold payment protection insurance. 8.0 Deirdre And Me: 40 Years On Coronation Street (S) Actor Anne Kirkbride looks back at four decades playing one of the soap’s most popular characters.

8.0 Holby City (S) (AD) Ric gets back from holiday to find Serena running the hospital in Hanssen’s absence. Michael receives bad news.

8.0 MasterChef: The Professionals (S) In a skills test, five of the chefs have 10 minutes to break down a cooked lobster and serve it with a salad.

8.0 George Clarke’s Amazing Spaces (S) The host sees an ingeniously designed studio flat in Barcelona and offices built from old Tube carriages.

The Mind Reader: Between Life And Death 10.35pm, BBC1
What does it mean to have a severe brain injury in terms of how you can interact with the world? Until comparatively recently, “vegetative” patients were widely assumed to be out of reach. Now, as a Panorama Special explores, this view is being challenged. Filmed over the course of a year, the documentary-makers bear witness as a patient regarded as vegetative for more than 10 years answers questions while inside a brain scanner. It’s a moment with profound implications for patients and their families, and for medical staff and scientists working in this area. JW

9.0 The Paradise (S) (AD) Moray realises where his heart truly lies, but is it too late? Last in the series.

9.0 Dara O Briain’s Science Club (S) (AD) Marcus Brigstocke grapples with the concept of dark energy as Dara and guests investigate the world of theoretical physics.

9.0 I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! (S) More scenes from life in the jungle. Continues Thursday.

9.0 Heston’s Fantastical Food (S) Heston Blumenthal plans to build the world’s biggest 99 flake — taller than five metres and weighing in at more than a ton.

Chateau Chunder: When Australian Wine Changed the World 9pm, BBC4
As the title here suggests, back in the 1970s Aussie wines were regarded as a joke. So what changed? Those who were there help to chart the transformation of an industry from the days when the Australian Wine Bureau had a London office set amid Soho sex shops. As Oz Clarke, among others, recalls, it’s in great part the tale of Aussies cannily making and marketing mid-range wines that people actually wanted to buy. Jonathan Wright

10.0 BBC News (S) 10.25 Regional News And Weather (S) (Followed by National Lottery Update.) 10.35 The Mind Reader: Between Life And Death (S) New research on severely brain-injured patients. 11.35 Veronica Guerin (Joel Schumacher, 2003) (S) A reporter investigates Ireland’s illegal drugs trade. Excellent biographical drama. Cate Blanchett stars.

10.0 Later Live — With Jools Holland (S) With Ellie Goulding, Band of Horses, Larry Graham, Foals and Luisa Sobral. 10.30 Newsnight (S) With Emily Maitlis. (Followed by Weather.)

10.0 ITV News At Ten And Weather (S) 10.30 Local News/ Weather (S) 10.35 Take Me Out (R) (S) Another edition of the dating show. (Shown Saturday.)

10.0 Fresh Meat (S) (AD) Oregon starts to fall for Dylan. 10.50 Random Acts (S) A man finds a teleporting box. 10.55 Homeland (R) (S) (AD) Brody’s loyalty is questioned. (Shown Sunday.)

11.20 Imagine (R) (S) Alan Yentob charts how The Two Worlds of Charlie F, a play performed by a cast of former soldiers, came to the London stage.

11.50 Grimefighters (R) (S) A pest controller shows his son how to catch moles and turkey fat blocks sewers in London.

Radio 3
90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30 Breakfast. Sara Mohr-Pietsch introduces favourite pieces, notable performances and a few surprises. 9.0 Essential Classics. With Sarah Walker. Including the Essential CD: Five Italian Oboe Concertos played by Nicholas Daniel, performances by pianist Noriko Ogawa, and this week’s guest, author Anne Fine. 12.0 Composer Of The Week: Big Band. Donald Macleod is joined by Guy Barker to explore the swing era, when predominantly white

Fresh Meat 10pm, Channel 4
More tertiary education tomfoolery, with Kingsley at war with tutor Dan (Robert Webb) over the latter’s sedimentary-rock-shaped knowledge gap. Cue an awk-

Fresh Meat, Channel 4

bandleaders like Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw took big band jazz to a mass audience. 1.0 Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert. A week of concerts from the Isle of Man’s Mananan Festival and Manchester Pride. Ruby Hughes performs Purcell and Roderick Williams sings Ian Venables’ The Pine Boughs Past Music. 2.0 Afternoon On 3. Katie Derham presents the BBC SSO and Concert Orchestra in music with a First World War connection, by Elgar, Vaughan Williams and Butterworth, plus Schubert’s Ninth Symphony. 4.30 In Tune. Sean Rafferty introduces performances by jazz vocalist Kurt Elling and pianist Mikhail Rudy, and interviews dancer Tamara Rojo, new artistic director of

English National Ballet. 6.30 Composer Of The Week: Big Band. (R) 7.30 Radio 3 Live In Concert. Shabaka Hutchings joins the BBC Concert Orchestra at the Queen Elizabeth Hall in a one-off commission as part of the London Jazz Festival. Presented by Kevin Le Gendre. 10.0 Free Thinking. Rana Mitter chairs a debate about world history at the Radio 3 Free Thinking Festival, with Antony Beevor, Andrew Marr and Maria Misra. 10.45 The Free Thinking Essay: New Generation Thinkers. Nandini Das, one of Radio 3’s New Generation Thinkers, gives a talk on the 16th-century craze for crime pamphlets, recorded at the Sage Gateshead. 11.0 Late Junction. Max Reinhardt presents music

including Sanjo by Hyelim Kim, Mouton’s Nesciens Mater with the Tallis Scholars, and This Is How We Walk on the Moon by Arthur Russell. 12.30 Through The Night. Including music by WF Bach, Arne, Pergolesi, Schubert, Sibelius, Tchaikovsky, Franck, Strauss arr Franz Hasenohrl, Chopin, Grieg, Liszt, CPE Bach, Berlioz and Clara Schumann.

Radio 4

92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz
6.0 Today. 8.31 (LW) Yesterday In Parliament. 8.58 (LW) Weather 9.0 The Long View. Exploring topical issues through history. 9.30 In Alistair Cooke’s Footsteps. Alvin Hall attends a baseball game at Chicago’s historic

22 The Guardian 13.11.12

Full TV listings For comprehensive programme details see the Guardian Guide every Saturday or go to tvlistings.guardian.co.uk/

Channel 5
6.0pm Home And Away (R) (S) (AD) Brax and Casey head out on a trip together. 6.30 5 News At 6.30 (S) 7.0 Highland Emergency (S) An injured oil-rig worker needs evacuating. 7.30 Highland Emergency (S) The RAF goes to rescue a canyoner from a deep river gorge. (Followed by 5 News Update.) 8.0 Rolf’s Animal Clinic (S) Vet Sam Bescoby treats a horse that has a growth in one of its hooves. (Followed by 5 News At 9.)



6.20pm Come Dine With Me (R) (S) The dinner-party challenge fetches up in Watford.

6.0pm House (R) Vogler is determined to get House fired.

Other channels
E4 6.0pm The Big Bang Theory. Bernadette takes an interest in physics. 6.30 The Big Bang Theory. Leonard’s mother visits. 7.0 Hollyoaks. Disaster strikes as the sixthformers try to help Ruby and Jono marry. 7.30 How I Met Your Mother. Barney defies Ted’s list of things the friends are too old to do. 8.0 How I Met Your Mother. Marshall worries about his past indiscretions. 8.30 The Big Bang Theory. The friends fight over a ring they believe was used in The Lord of the Rings. 9.0 New Girl. Nick and Schmidt become embroiled in an argument over DIY. 9.30 Suburgatory. George takes Dallas and Noah mattress shopping. 10.0 Tool Academy: Boyfriends Behaving Badly. The couples discover there are traitors in their camp. 11.0 The Inbetweeners. The gang goes on a field trip to Swanage. 11.35 The Inbetweeners. Will is given a work experience placement at a garage. Film4 7.10pm Big Momma’s House. Comedy, starring Martin Lawrence. 9.0 Layer Cake. Crime thriller, starring Daniel Craig. 11.05 Tyrannosaur. Premiere. Drama, starring Peter Mullan. FX 6.0pm Leverage. Nate and Sophie are taken hostage. 7.0 NCIS. An agent’s body is found badly burned. 8.0 NCIS. Gibbs is held captive in Mexico. 9.0 True Blood. Eric plots his escape from the midst of the Authority. 10.0 American Horror Story: Asylum. A raging storm approaches Briarcliff. 11.0 The Booth At The End. Inquisitive waitress Doris is reunited with the Man. 11.30 Family Guy. Peter sells Meg to pay a debt. 12.0 Family Guy. Lois is sent to prison. ITV2 6.30pm You’ve Been Framed! Harry Hill narrates camcorder calamities. 7.0 The Cube. A primary school teacher and a marketing manager take part. 8.0 Mr Bean’s Holiday. Comedy, starring Rowan Atkinson. 9.50 Tulisa: The Hot Desk. Interview with the singer and X Factor judge. 10.0 I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Now! With Laura Whitmore and Joe Swash. 11.0 Celebrity Juice. With Inexplicable World 12.0 The Price Of Fear 12.30 The Woman In Black 1.0 Orphans In Waiting 1.30 White Heat 2.0 The Now Show 2.30 Tomorrow, Today! 3.0 Show Boat 4.0 Chattering 4.15 The Moment You Feel It 5.0 Second Thoughts 5.30 Semi Circles guests Dougie Poynter, Tom Fletcher, Mel C and Ashley Banjo. 11.45 Celebrity Juice. With Jonathan Ross, Marcus Collins, Chelsee Healey, Max Beesley and Russell Kane. Sky1 6.0pm Futurama. Featuring the guest voice of Pamela Anderson. 6.30 The Simpsons. Lisa takes out a restraining order against Bart. 7.0 The Simpsons. Bart risks being held back a year. 7.30 The Simpsons. Santa’s Little Helper runs away from home. 8.0 Last Resort. Chaplin heads the search for three missing crew members. 9.0 A League Of Their Own. With Johnny Vegas, Charlotte Jackson and Harry Redknapp. 10.0 Dude, Where’s My Car? Teen comedy, starring Seann William Scott and Ashton Kutcher. 11.40 Road Wars. Thames Valley Police combat vehicle crime. Sky Arts 1 6.0pm Spectacle: Elvis Costello. Music and chat series hosted by the musician and songwriter. 7.0 Art Of The Heist. How Argentina’s military junta profited from stolen art. 8.0 Living The Life. With Ken Livingstone and Timothy West. 9.0 Parkinson: Masterclass. New series. Michael Parkinson is joined by figures from the arts, beginning with Jamie Cullum. 10.0 Classic Albums. The conception of Queen’s A Night at the Opera. 11.0 Rory Gallagher: Irish Tour 1974. Following the guitarist as he tours his homeland in 1974. TCM 7.10pm Gunfighters Of Casa Grande. Western, starring Alex Nicol. 9.0 The Fugitive. Thriller, starring Harrison Ford. 11.30 Breakheart Pass. Murder mystery Western, starring Charles Bronson.

7.0pm Total Wipeout (R) (S) The usual obstacle course silliness. Hosted by Richard Hammond and Amanda Byram.

7.0pm World News Today (S) Weather 7.30 Timothy Spall: All At Sea (R) (S) (AD) The actor and wife Shane visit Newcastle and Hartlepool.

7.30 Hugh’s 3 Good Things (S) Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall prepares roasted squash with ricotta and Parma ham.

7.0 House (R) A meningitis epidemic hits the hospital.

8.0 Great Movie Mistakes 2011: Not In 3D (R) (S) 8.25 Bruce Almighty (Tom Shadyac, 2003) (S) A reporter gets to play God. Watchable comedy-fantasy, with Jim Carrey and Jennifer Aniston.

8.0 Canal Walks With Julia Bradbury (R) (S) (AD) An eightmile hike along the Caledonian Canal. 8.30 Britain On Film: Brits At Play (S) Newsreel footage from the 1960s.

8.0 Grand Designs (R) (S) (AD) An architect designs a home containing a sauna, spa, dance floor and DJ booth for a small plot of land in London.

8.0 Friday Night Lights (S) Matt is reunited with his estranged mother.

9.0 Body Of Proof (S) A man assumed to be dead rises from the autopsy room. Plus the team investigates a local government cover-up.

9.0 Chateau Chunder: When Australian Wine Changed The World (S) (AD) The story of wine-making in Australia since the 1970s, when downunder plonk was regarded as a joke.

9.0 Sarah Beeny’s Selling Houses (S) In Beckenham, Sarah offers home-selling advice to the owners of a converted church, a 19th-century cottage and a spacious maisonette.

9.0 Awake (R) (S) Complications arise when Britten and Bird try to get an accountant to enter witness protection and testify against a Russian crime boss.

10.0 CSI: NY (R) (S) A murdered wrestling coach’s body parts are scattered around the city. 10.55 CSI: NY (R) (S) (AD) The team investigates a sextrafficking ring.

10.0 Some Girls (S) The girls think Amber’s new boyfriend has a mysterious secret. 10.30 EastEnders (R) (S) (AD) Cora’s reluctant to talk to Patrick.

10.0 Clarissa And The King’s Cookbook (R) (S) The cook tracks down Britain’s oldest known cookbook. 10.30 Jerusalem On A Plate (R) (S) (AD) Presented by chef Yotam Ottolenghi.

10.0 Obsessive Compulsive Hoarder: The Big Clear Out (R) (S) Documentary about Richard Wallace, whose chronic hoarding made his home dangerous.

10.0 House Of Lies (S) Jeremiah receives bad news. 10.35 Nurse Jackie (S) Zoey and Lenny get engaged. Kevin wants custody of the girls.

11.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (R) (S) (AD) Catherine and Keppler create a fake murder scene.

11.0 Family Guy (R) (S) Stewie falls in love. 11.25 Family Guy (R) (S) Peter joins the police force. 11.45 American Dad! (R) (S) Stan holds a fundraising telethon. (First episode in a double bill.)
2.15 Afternoon Drama: Mad Girl. By Phil Gladwin. 3.0 Making History. With Tom Holland, Helen Castor and Fiona Watson. 3.30 Mastertapes. Paul Weller revisits tracks from the 1982 classic Jam album The Gift. 4.0 Dads Who Do. African Caribbean fathers playing major roles in the lives of the children. 4.30 A Good Read. With Peter White and Heydon Prowse. 5.0 PM. With Eddie Mair. 5.57 Weather 6.0 Six O’Clock News 6.30 Rudy’s Rare Records. The Sharpes leap into action after Doreen is mugged. Last in the series. 7.0 The Archers. It is Peggy’s birthday. 7.15 Front Row. Mark Lawson reports on the Tate

11.30 Inspector Montalbano (R) An elderly couple, religious fanatics, barricade themselves in their home and start shooting from the windows. But why? Last in the series.

11.10 Embarrassing Bodies (R) (S) Dr Christian Jessen meets a man with a genetic condition that’s left him needing new ears.

11.10 Mad Men (R) (S) Betty’s father has a stroke. Pete’s mother threatens to disinherit him. Jon Hamm stars.

Mr Bean’s Holiday, ITV2
2.0 Newshour 3.0 World Briefing 3.30 Outlook 4.0 News 4.06 The Documentary 4.30 Sport Today 5.0 World Briefing 5.30 World Business Report 6.0 World Have Your Say 7.0 World Briefing 7.30 Click 7.50 From Our Own Correspondent 8.0 News 8.06 The Documentary 8.30 The Strand 8.50 Witness 9.0 Newshour 10.0 News 10.06 Outlook 10.30 World Business Report 11.0 World Briefing 11.30 Business Daily 11.50 Witness 12.0 World Briefing 12.30 Click 12.50 Sports News 1.0 World Briefing 1.30 World Business Report 1.50 From Our Own Correspondent 2.0 News 2.06 The Documentary 2.30 Outlook 3.0 Newsday 3.30 The Strand 3.50 Witness 4.0 Newsday 4.30 Click 4.50 From Our Own Correspondent 5.0 Newsday

Wrigley Field. 9.45 (LW) Daily Service. Led by Mgr Tony Rogers. 9.45 (FM) Book Of The Week: Former People. By Douglas Smith. Abridged and produced by Jill Waters. 10.0 Woman’s Hour. 11.0 Saving Species. Live reports on wildlife conservation around the world. 11.30 Swansong. The Smiths’ 1987 album, Strangeways, Here We Come. Last in the series. 12.0 News 12.04 Call You And Yours. With Julian Worricker. 12.57 Weather 1.0 The World At One. Presented by Martha Kearney. 1.45 In Pursuit Of The Ridiculous. Matthew Oates meets avid birdwatcher Rob Lambert. 2.0 The Archers. Joe shows off his new purchase. (R)

Modern exhibition A Bigger Splash. 7.45 Children In Need: Jess’ Story. By Nell Leyshon. 8.0 File On 4. The impact of “zombie companies” on the UK’s economy. 8.40 In Touch. Presented by Peter White. 9.0 All In The Mind. Research at Queen Mary University of London into the subject of gaydar. 9.30 The Long View. Exploring topical issues through history. (R) 9.59 Weather 10.0 The World Tonight. With Robin Lustig. 10.45 Book At Bedtime: The Liar’s Gospel. By Naomi Alderman. Abridged by Sally Marmion. 11.0 Arthur Smith’s Balham Bash. Comedy and music. Last in the series. 11.30 Today In Parliament.

With Susan Hulme. 12.0 News And Weather 12.30 Book Of The Week: Former People. By Douglas Smith. Abridged and produced by Jill Waters. (R) 12.48 Shipping Forecast

Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
6.0 Orphans In Waiting 6.30 White Heat 7.0 Semi Circles 7.30 Rudy’s Rare Records 8.0 The Goon Show 8.30 J Kingston Platt’s Showbiz Handbook 9.0 The Now Show 9.30 Tomorrow, Today! 10.0 Show Boat 11.0 Chattering 11.15 The Moment You Feel It 12.0 The Goon Show 12.30 J Kingston Platt’s Showbiz Handbook

1.0 Orphans In Waiting 1.30 White Heat 2.0 The Color Purple 2.15 Laurence LlewelynBowen’s Men Of Fashion 2.30 God’s Architect: Pugin And The Building Of Romantic Britain 2.45 Other People’s Children 3.0 Show Boat 4.0 The 4 O’Clock Show 5.0 Second Thoughts 5.30 Semi Circles 6.0 The Price Of Fear 6.30 The Woman In Black 7.0 The Goon Show 7.30 J Kingston Platt’s Showbiz Handbook 8.0 Orphans In Waiting 8.30 White Heat 9.0 Chattering 9.15 The Moment You Feel It 10.0 Comedy Club: Rudy’s Rare Records 10.30 Such Rotten Luck 11.0 Acropolis Now 11.30 Lionel Nimrod’s

World Service

Digital and 198 kHz after R4
8.30 Business Daily 8.50 Sports News 9.0 News 9.06 The Documentary 9.30 The Strand 9.50 Witness 10.0 World Update 11.0 World Have Your Say 11.30 Discovery 11.50 From Our Own Correspondent 12.0 News 12.06 Outlook 12.30 The Strand 12.50 Witness 1.0 News 1.06 Your Money

13.11.12 The Guardian 23


On the web For tips and all manner of crossword debates go to guardian.co.uk/crosswords

Quick crossword no 13,265
1 Spider’s creation (6) 4 Not transparent (6) 8 British thriller writer, Hammond ___ , d. 1998 (5) 9 Uproar (7) 10 Superior skill (7) 11 District of West London (5) 12 Strip of land cleared to prevent a conflagration spreading (9) 17 Fanatical (5) 19 Renaissance (7) 21 Culinary herb (7) 22 Tokyo (anag) — former capital of Japan (5) 23 Indulge in retaliation (6) 24 Don’t move! (6)
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Sudoku no 2,343





4 1 9
14 16

8 6 2 4

5 3 7 1 5 9 7
2 6 3 8 4 7 9 5 1 5 7 9 6 2 1 8 4 3 4 8 1 9 3 5 6 7 2 3 1 7 4 9 8 5 2 6
Want more? Access over 4,000 archive puzzles at guardian.co.uk/crossword. Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save £7.96). Visit guardianbooks.co.uk or call 0330 333 6846.

12 15 17 18


8 6 2 6 9 5 2



1 Oversensitive — traditional British food shop (6) 2 Play truant (4,3) 3 Result in a particular way (5) 5 Wooden-handled iron tool with a curved head, pointed at both ends (7) 6 Shh! (5) 7 Warm Pacific Ocean current (2,4) 9 Fruit — expression of contempt (9) 13 Sign of danger — sign of socialism (3,4) 14 Amateur singing to recorded music, perhaps in a pub (7)



8 1 3
Solution to no 2,342
9 2 8 5 1 6 7 3 4 6 5 4 2 7 3 1 8 9 7 4 6 1 5 2 3 9 8 1 9 5 3 8 4 2 6 7 8 3 2 7 6 9 4 1 5



15 16 18 20

Italian brandy (6) Opt (6) Push — boat (5) Motorcyclist (5)

Solution no 13,264
Medium. Fill the grid so that each row, column and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. Printable version at guardian.co.uk/sudoku

Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0039 or text GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day and date the crossword appeared another space and the CLUE reference to 85010 (e.g GUARDIANQ Wednesday24 Down20). Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Texts cost 50p a clue plus standard network charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline).

Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0036. Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline). Free tough puzzles at www.puzzler. com/guardian

Doonesbury If...

24 The Guardian 13.11.12

Steve Bell

Garry Trudeau

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