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Who are these children? To me, these are children who have been destroyed by life, by being abused by adults or sometimes both. They are remarkable humans because unknown to them laid the greatest talents on earth. These are buried under their sufferings and the ruins of themselves. These gifts can be musicals, visuals or any other way chosen by "GOD". I called them "CHILDRENOFGOD". How can I know it? I was one of those children whose live has been destroyed. At twelve years old, I’ve been in a car accident with my dad and my brother. My dad died in the accident. While he was driving heart palpitations caused him to lose control of the wheel. The car hit a rock on the side of the highway and the impact made the steering wheel crush his chest. If the palpitations had not killed him, the impact of the wheel on his thorax did. My brother Ronald had two minor fractures, one at jaw and the other at the elbow. As for me, physical damage was more serious. I had both of my femurs fractured, one internal and the other external. My brother was admitted at the Hospital of Granby but not being sufficiently equipped to deal with me, as brothers we have been transfer in Montreal at the Ste-Justine Hospital for children. It was at the time the best Hospital for children care and is still today. There, they took great care of us. I spent the first three weeks in the hospital ward "Intensive Care Unit" with metal rods inserted in my legs below the knee. These rods were attached to weights so that the legs do not move and that the bones repaired. I have no recollection of these first few weeks because the nurses told me that when I was under the influence of morphine during this time. At any time of the day or the night, I could shriek to death in extreme pain. They told me that the doctors had prescribed me morphine at doses that a child can tolerate, so that I would no longer react to that pain. It was successful. Incidentally, one of the side effects of morphine is that the subject is not aware of his condition or of his environment. I only remember waking up one day in a green room with other patients, my bed was moved and I was transferred to another room, where Ronald was already installed, for the next two weeks. During this time, some events occurred that will have an essential meaning later in my life. The first was that mom told me that Gilles, that’s how she called dad, had die in the accident, I was also declared dead but was resuscitate to life with "CPR" care by a witness at the scene of the accident with both my legs broken. First, to set the record straight right now, I was in complete shock. I was unable to feel or express any feelings of any kind. All those who visited me, including my family were strangers. I felt invisible to everyone around me. I did not exist except physically. Today, this is called "post-traumatic shock" but forty years ago it was considered as an abnormal condition.
I heard the nurses talking among them. This is normal when you care about your patients and showed that they cared about me. The doctors didn’t understand why I had no reactions or feelings for anything or for anybody. That exceeded their understandings. So they were thinking about keeping me for longer observation instead of letting me go back home. I knew I was under scrutiny because regularly a nurse was standing at the door, a notepad in hand, looking at me and writing on it. I knew it was about me, but not what kind of observations it was. When I asked, the answer was always "Oh, we’re just writing notes. That’s all". This confirmed me that they considered very seriously keeping me for even more tests and observations. I had become a subject of study very peculiar indeed. After all these tests, I would be considered too abnormal to live a life outside the hospital system. The doctors would never let me out of their hands. I would have no life and I would end up in an asylum or in a cemetery. I have a confession to do. Even though I could not feel or express anything I was able to think. This indifference that they had register had form a cone of silence around me that gave me the impression that I had all the time in the world to realize my situation. So I used my mind to observe everything that was happening. Because I knew that I was not crazy. At that precise moment, I chose to act like a normal patient would. I expressed interest and feelings for others. I read some books in their library and everyone, "everyone except me" was very happy. At last, in the name of the known normality, I acted like a patient whom recovers his capacities. Except that in myself, I just felt one thing. Something terrible has been done to me. A terrible injustice that I could neither understand nor describe but only feels because it was done to me. And by I do not know who neither know what. I just felt dead inside. Like I was a movie with my life outside me. With that atrocious feeling that nothing would never matter to me. Still, I had the feeling that something could be done, I just did not know what or how. I refused with all my strength to believe that my life was over. I chose to wait and see. This until I have the information that I needed for my case. Because that was what I became for the doctors, a case. At the end of these five weeks at the hospital, male nurses under the supervision of the doctor put me in a cast around the legs from the waist to the toes. While they were doing the plastering, the nurses discussed with the doctor to see if a vent hole should be open behind the left knee where I had an open wound so it would be cleaned regularly. The doctor chose not to do so because it would be too easy to break the plaster if a hole it was done in it. Thus by cleaning, disinfecting and protecting the wound now, the risk of infection should become very minor and thus there would be little chance for the gangrene to develop. The nurses told him that it would be very dangerous to move me as is if the cast break. It would be easier to do so if it was reinforced. They finally put a piece of sawn broomstick of twenty inches long and plastered it diagonally across my legs. I could be carefully lift when the plaster would be dry and moved to the doctor’s office.
I thought that everything was normal until I saw the thickness of my medical file. The sheets of size 8.5" X 14" formed a pile thicker than the Webster’s dictionary. My reaction has been "Wow, my case is so thick, I must be an important case". I was in complete shock. My doctor asked me if I was okay. I said, "Yes". He then told me that plaster they put on me would stay for the three following weeks, I should then return here to have the cast remove. Then I had to stay 3 more weeks in bed without moving so my bones would mend at their best. At this point, I would be given crutches that I could use to get around in the house and find back some use of my legs. At my last appointment, he will give me his opinion on my health. Back at home, for the everyday routine, I ate, did my schoolwork and was attended for basic care (hygiene). I also received a few family visits. I had so much time that it seemed interminable to me. What happens when you have all the time in the world? You think a lot. There is nothing else to do, therefore we do associations. One erroneous I did was this "Dad killed me and I killed him because we both died in the accident". Nobody at home had any idea of my real situation. Therefore, I waited more than anyone. One day, Mom told me "You will go for your last visit to the hospital Friday and then we will know your real situation is". I remember that mom could not take a day off that day. My brother Daniel came with me to the hospital as my legal guardian. Finally something was happening. My doctor was a man who spoke in a quiet voice. I felt like I was really important to him. At the last visit, I saw that the thickness of my file had changed a lot. The stack had decreased which showed me that my case had evolved. Slowly, I walked from the wheelchair to sit in the chair in front of him. He said "I didn’t know you could walk. Is it painful?" I had the feeling that to do so without pain was what surprised him the most. I told him no. I stopped using the crutches because they have been wrongly adjust to me and it was hurting too much under my armpits so after once I never used them. I forced myself to walk back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom. "No doctor, it’s just that I couldn’t stay on the first floor where my room and the bathroom are located and becoming bore to death so I went down to the ground floor where the kitchen and living room are located. I saw my family, I ate there and I was watching TV. The more I used the stairs to go up and down was the best because I exercised my legs to be more flexible and then it was then much easier to walk, that’s all". Just between us, I can tell you that I used the stairs a lot, often for no reason just because it was good for my legs and it was fun too. Apart from reading books, doing my schoolwork and watching TV, it was the only activity I had.
He then asked "Is there anything else that you did? Anything else at all?" "No, just that". He said "Interesting, very interesting". He then resumed the accident and all the procedures that have been taken to treat me. The operation, the three weeks I spent in the ICU under the influence of morphine, the metal rods in my lower legs to help stabilize them, the plastering, its removal and finally, being bedridden for the three following weeks so my legs would repair together at their best. He then said "Is there any question you would like to ask me?" Only one was on my mind so I asked. "What is my real situation?" I then waited for his answer. For a moment, he looked at me straight in the eyes, giving me the feeling that he wondered? "Can a child understand a case that is so complex? Because he is asking the only question that matters". Time seemed suspended. Our eyes were fixed in each other and without knowing it I prayed. "Oh GOD, make him tell me the truth". That's all I needed. No gibberishes, no nice made-up stories because I was a child. I don’t feel like twelve but rather like a million years old. I do not know what test I passed but with compassion in his gaze, he told me that the studies and the tests they made on me during my stay have demonstrated that I had lost 85% of my capabilities in general. "Even if you seem able to walk without pain, we do not have the knowledge to help you go through your ordeal and recover your lost capacities. The reason is that we are only beginning to explore the field of heavy traumas among children. We know almost nothing about the subject and what we know is too little to help you. You move, you are articulate, so you can go to school but it still means that you will never have a normal life. So you will probably spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair. I’m sorry". At that instant, time stopped, really stopped. I found myself in this place where everything is dark and desert in me and asked myself? "Is my life really over?" From the depths of my being came a giant "NO". That’s all I needed to know. "I then asked myself how?" Nothing came, so I asked "How long?" The answer was "Twenty years".
Okay, I did not like that answer at all but I knew that I had no say in the matter. I felt deep in my bones that it will be twenty years of work on me as if life tells me "Take it or leave it". It’s your choice and nobody care for what you will choose. So I thought. "How can I?" It is the question I asked myself. "Choose an impossible dream to achieve" Then all that I can see is the ideal image of the being that I could and would have become if not the accident. "Oh, I will never succeed, but at least I will always try to achieve that goal". Seriously has anyone ever heard of a handicap and I speak about myself who has ever reached the ideal of himself? Anyone will tell you that all those who achieved by their work and also because they started with all their capacities. Not like me with only 15% to start. I chose to reach this perfect human being I could become with all the skills and talents that I could develop. I could not see the entirety of this being but I could see his picture as the greatest dream that I could ever achieve by working on me. All of this happened in a flash. While I had those thoughts, I was out of space and out of time. I came back to reality, took a deep breath and said "Thank you Doctor for telling me the truth".
"This was my first dream".
At home, mom asked me what happened with the doctor and I said what he told me "I have lost 85% of my capacities, I will be for the rest of my life in a wheelchair and I probably will never have a normal life". "Hmmm, what do you want to do? Do you want to go to school or not because if you want, they are willing to take you back. After all, you have done your all your schoolwork at the Hospital and here. You have taken no lateness. Except in Sports but they will give you an abstention for the time you missed". It was back to school with a difficult life or stay at home with no life at all. I knew I would need a social life to achieve my goals because without I would jeopardize my life and I would never reach my ideal. "If you want to stay at home, we'll just have to take necessary dispositions if you are in a wheelchair. It is that simple". "Mom, I'm going back to school" was my answer. I could walk, talk and move so nobody ever thought there was anything wrong with me.
I wondered then, other than the school and studies, what can I do to work on me now? And just so you know, the way I used my mind was very simple. I wondered to myself anything that made sense and that I need to know and my mind gave me the answer. It always worked as long as it was for the truth. Not fun at all and there is no way around that method. The truth in my case was the only and ultimate key. This brings me to a difficult concept "the absolute truth". Hmmm, it seemed easy to use. I asked myself "Is it the really absolute truth?" And my mind would always give me the answer. Never the one I wanted but always the one I needed. It was the worst medicine to swallow, but the only way to get rid of the lies and the bad associations in me. At twelve, I became an adult in my head. "OK, I got it and I did it". I could not tell anyone because anyone would be convinced that I was beyond sanity. The answer about what I could do at that age was "Nothing". When I went into this void in me, even with a negative response I could always see the reason why. First, you must wait until you are seventeen. Before that, for life, you will have no real understanding and what you do it will never matter for life itself and this however you consider being ready or not. You'll always be back at square one. No child, except for reasons of life or death can ever have an impact on his life. Well, what to do until then? I can study, I can record everything that makes me act and react and what pushes my buttons. Live my life as normally as I can. "And mostly remember any information however it seems insignificant for future examination and reference". Oh dear, this is not what I wanted to hear at all but nothing else came so I took it. Whenever I need to cheer me up, I said to myself.
"You are a retarded because you do not have access to the mechanism of your intelligence which is a tool of the human brain, you are a cripple because the muscles of your legs are not working and if you do not rebuilt them you will return in a wheelchair and you are unable to express any feelings at all, which is a form of autism".
I know this is extremely rude and inappropriate to use these words, retarded and cripple but I always have used them only on me. I call me those very harsh names to "never, never, never" give me a chance to succeed. If it wasn’t enough to fill me with energy, it was always enough to sustain me until they were restored in me. The Doctor never put it this way but that’s how I choose to see it. To me, it was the only way I could have a chance to get out of the slump that I was in. Not being afraid to call a spade a spade was a matter of survival to me.
I have always considered the human being like a house. If a house is built on quicksand, it will always sink. A human being is also like a diamond with millions of facets. Not to believe in it meant absolute failure. Now I have two paths in front of me.
One is inscribed "Direction for your life". The instructions were that working and fixing what was broken in me was the only chance I had to get my life back, with as many talents and abilities that I could develop on my way. The other is inscribed "Direction for your death". The instructions were that moaning and self-pity will only lead to madness and I will be place in an asylum or I will die and will end up in a grave. Once again life tells me "Take it or leave it". You’re the only one who can get out of that hell.
To live or to die? Can it be that simple? Yes, it was. Hope seemed impossible and the chances of succeeding were zeros. Like a sword of Damocles over my head telling me you are dead and over. And that inside feeling of an injustice that have been done by life. How could I blame life for being an executor? "Who was the jury? What were the charges against me? Who was the culprit?" I will probably never know and I felt into the deepest of me that any form of resentment will only lead me to close that circle of hell where I was in. I had a lot more problems but did not know it. As a child, I had a condition called "The Asperger’s Syndrome". It makes you act awkwardly and provoke negative reactions with people you are in contact with.
At eleven, a year before the accident in the new school where I was student, I have been provoked in a fight by another student, I will call him "M". He was mad at me because I cheered him at the baseball game he played. But he was convinced that I was laughing at him and he wanted all the other students to jump at me and give me the whack of my life. While everyone was getting ready to do so, a young authoritarian voice yelled "All of you stop". They did. Then Pierre Berger, the student said "This is a fight one on one so all of you, step back". And they all obeyed. But I lost the fight and to humiliate me the other boy called me "faggot".
This meant nothing to me at the time but no one wanted to tell me the meaning of the word. Supposedly, it was "just" a word. Well, I "just" had the feeling that it was a very, very bad word. And surely enough, not long after, when anyone was upset or wanted to laugh at me I was called that name. Until this day, only two students who were present at this occasion, Pierre Berger and Vincent Crête apologized to me. Nobody else ever wanted to remember how it happened.
I have never hoped to receive apologies for what has been done to me in slanders and in abject acts just because I was the "faggot" of the village. Not because people are rotten, but everyone has what I call a non-existent memory when it suits them. I say village because even though the population was 50,000 habitants, the mentality was of a village. Just so you know, to call a child a "faggot" is one of the most demeaning and disgusting name because for the others children it meant a bitch dog.
How does a child victim of slander and hatred feels? He feels hurt like hell, like a million rapes, a billion acts of torture and a trillion stabbings given by the hand of a friend. Every time the vulnerability within reopens and feelings of rape, humiliation, disgust, of being taint until that sense of abjection was even beyond what words can describe. This place that in every human being should be private and sacred was no longer safe for me. It became full of emptiness, disgust, humiliation, bloody horror and absolute ugliness contaminated with injuries, sorrows and blood. I could never run away because it was done in my heart and soul. Not just because of one person, but it seems that life itself organised and synchronized all of it so that everything would be customize to make my life hell on earth. People line up so one after the other they would take turn to have their shot at me. To them I was the funniest and the most wonderful toy in the world. Can you imagine an innocent child who cannot protect nor defend himself? The worst wasn’t that everyone tried by taking their turns, but that everybody told himself "I do nothing wrong because it’s just one thing I’m doing and anyway I’m just one person. So it’s really nothing at all". I never told them how hurt I was. I never have shown them my tears.
They even created a formula to ensure that they would stop me never to hate me and would always stay mad at me. When they wanted to laugh at me, they called me "the faggot", it mean "the fucking bitch". When they wanted to be mad at me, they called me "the fucking faggot ", which mean "the fucking damn bitch". The bottoms of the slum were reached when they wanted to be rage mad at me and then I was "the fucking Christ faggot bitch". It meant "the fucking Christ damn bitch eater of shit". It was never said in my face, just in my back, which was enough. "For almost every student at school I was the fucking Christ faggot bitch".
Why such hatred and degradation of themselves? In truth, it is very simple, in discrediting me that much, everyone gloated at their supposed superior moralities and integrities. They never saw how cruel they were because they were only playing. So one day, one of them could say "I won, I won, I successfully destroyed the fucking Christ faggot bitch". Children never see the cruelty of their acts, only how to reach their target perfectly.
They even added a children game to be sure that they would never stop to hate me to death. A group of students led by "M", my tormentor have formed a group. Him, his best friend, a blond boy and their circle of close friends one after another pumped with hatred all the other students against me. With this variance of the game "blind man's buff", their collective hatred was such that it was almost nuclear. When they reach being teenager, their childish games can make them become the most disgusting human ever being. This is what happened with them. Most adults would know where to draw the line for not crossing a certain line of morality. For them it was just a mean game, one that becomes insane when they reached adolescence. And yet no matter however they were cruels, every time I choose to believe that they only responded to the wreck of a human being that I was. Because every day I felt how destroyed I was. Their greatest sin is that they refused to apply any norm of moral standard on their owns acts. What saved me was that I have been so completely destroyed by life that when someone alone or as a group would do anything to hit me harder because this time them, they would succeed, well, "the train, yes the train, not the car, the train full loaded of shit had already hit me". Life has already used every trick imaginable on me. I was destroyed beyond the point of no return. The choice was to forgive everyone every time or to rot in hell the rest of my life. "Do you get it?", now. It was not the worst they did. What hurt me the most was that I knew personally that they were doing it to themselves and never at me. Nobody ever faced it. Everyone created their own ugliness of hell and horror every time they act like vultures toward me. And every time I wondered? How dare they lower themselves at this level? Why was their glory that they would become the most degraded, the most immoral, the most despicable and the most disgusting they could be? Because, in truth, it is what they were for their own-self, they were their own vultures. Every time I was hurt, I forced myself to believe that they were only reacting to this part of me which I had no more contact with. The more I was hurt, the more I used it to work harder to reach my ideal. Each time someone did something to put me down, they always feed in them first the syndrome "I will never have enough of being". "I’m the worst trashiest most disgusting Christ son of a bitch shit eater in the whole world" and you feed yourself with it. Others want to use everything they could to destroy me a million times. Do you know? Life had already done it to me "Hello! Are you still there? Where are you?" Because there is one thing that you are better look at, all of you. The only life you can destroy is yours, no one else. And your life is your own choice in all its aspects. It was one of the things that hurt me the most. I never tried to be a saint but I never could believe your lies, your horrors and the atrocity of your acts no matter how much you covered it with such good intentions.
Justice never can be achieved in the name of wrongness even if the culprit believed in his truth and goodness. Each time however I was hurt, I forced myself to work harder to reach to get out of the slump I was in. If I felt too vulnerable and crushed by grief and by the hatred of others toward me the only way to stay out of despair was to think about my impossible ideal. If it wasn’t enough to boost me, it was always enough to sustain me until my energies come back to me. It was my only chance to get out of hell. It happens often enough.
In my last years in high school, I was always especially grateful for one thing. However much I was depict and despise, no one ever threw any food or liquid at me. Call me as stupid as you wish but for me it was a giant blessing. Not having anything thrown at me in the cafeteria meant that at least some norms of good manners and politeness were respected. I often said to me "Thanks GOD" that no one crosses these limits toward me. Not that I believed in "GOD" at that time, but inside me yes only I didn’t know it. My faith was blind and absolute. Being throw anything would have mean that any concerned student had no integrity, no dignity. These qualities are among the most precious in each human being. When they are thrown away carelessly, they never come back unless the culprit is working very hard with his heart and soul to clean his acts and to fix any wrongness he has done.
When I first saw on "GLEE", the episode on which a young girl is being thrown a glass of juice in the face, I just could not believe it. It sent an icy chill down along my spine. Even if nobody else agrees with me, I had the feeling that the slaughter had just begun.
"GLEE" did not make people act in a foul and despicable way. But by not teaching people the injustice and the cruelty of bullying and bad manners, this program has socially sanctified such acts. They are now the norm. It happens in every day’s life, in any school and anywhere in the world. And everybody knows that when one thing is normal, it is good for each and everyone.
I disagree because first bullying and slandering means that the culprit is just a coward, that’s all. Today everybody does it. It is terrible because you become the stench of your own inhumanity. It means that you should clean your "Augean Stables". Remember what I said earlier, you only feed yourselves with the syndrome. "I am the worst trashiest and most disgusting Christ son of a bitch shit eater in the world and I will never have enough of being like that".
You give yourself all a very serious illness. You become depraved in the name of good taste. Bullying, slandering and moral depravity are now the most fashionable trends. You are all the equivalent of rapists, murderers, torturers and cannibals. Your only personal and social glory is to be an assassin "inbecoming" with the death of others. Rudeness and bad manners are the new must. Do you know that your worst in you only grow to become the most despicable that you could ever be. My greatest fault is that I choose to believe that each of you responded to my inner hell and that no matter how much you were disgusting, cruel, unfair and garbage in all your acts toward me. And each time I forgave myself to do not become like you. "Oh GOD, forgive me for being hurt and give me the strength to forgive them for they do not know what they are doing".
I never could choose hatred. To forgive me was much more difficult because of the monstrosity of your acts. This is probably why the horror of hell has never ceased in my life. Now everyone wants to be famous of being depictable. The envelope is pushed even further. On behalf of their kindred souls, their good hearts and theirs true intentions they violate, they destroy and they slander anyone they consider being unworthy. The next step is to publicly destroy their chosen victim. In the past, a social event was used to set such a thing. Now, thanks to "YOUTUBE" and by texting, everyone on earth can see and know your acts even at their most private and intimate moments. At least, it’s others people life so they say. And it’s such fun. Think about it, a megashow in Technicolor’s where you don’t have to pay a penny to watch. This is "Horrorland" in your home for free. Isn’t it a wonderful world? Think about "Dharun Ravi and Molly W. Wei" who recorded secretly and shamelessly a video of their friend "Mr. Tyler Clementi" while he had a private sexual relationship with another man. They amused so much the galleria of their friends by posting it on "YOUTUBE".
Wasn’t it magnificent, wasn’t it remarkable? "Two pigeons who loved a tender love... " No, no, no it was rather "Two pigeons who boasted of their treachery of being so abject and ..." We did nothing wrong. It was just such fun, they said so.
But to rape the intimacy of someone is one of the acts the cruelest and most degrading that could be. Whatever they believe, they will always live with the fact that they killed a human being. If any act that you have done has resulted in the death of another, you are guilty of murder. By eating the flesh dripping from blood they turned themselves into vampires. Not only do they suck the blood of their victim, they are eating its flesh publicly while he is still alive. And they degraded themselves. And they are your modern cannibals. And they are now at your doorstep. And glory whatever the price is your new fashion. And...
Not only have they degraded the life of "Mr. Tyler Clementi" but they become the lowest possible and become putrid, disgusting by the denial of their acts. Their only problem is that now everyone knows how much they their hands are stained with the blood of an innocent. I patronize, but I hope that nobody will ever choose that road of mediocrity and horror. They will live with this crime for the rest of their lives. You can always justify yourself to others but never successfully to yourselves. The more you wallow in your lies, the worst you are and the more you turn into a zombie. The effect of the syndrome "I will never have enough" is that the disease degenerates and feeds on itself in you. You become your own "monster of depravity". The more you are filled with this disease the worst you become until you are only a piece of shit, breathing and living. You also soil everyone you touch and degrade everyone you love because. "You will never have enough of being the worst trashiest and most disgusting Christ son of a bitch shit eater in the world". Your daily bread is now the worst of yourself. The other problem is that everyone has access to what I call "the magic of life", except for those stained by such acts. Nobody ever faced that this magic dies within them. This is the direct effect of killing. Nobody ever ask themselves. "How would I feel if someone did to me what I did to them?" Acting with cowardice blindness is the easiest way to have a life so full of emptiness that even "GOD" wouldn’t know how to fill it. "Can you fill a bottomless pit?" Do not ask yourself and stay in denial. One day, life will make you pay for everything you’ve done. It may take time, but it always happens. Usually the one you love the most will be the price to pay for your filthy acts for the rest of their lives. Since the dawn of time to this day, nobody has ever escaped his destiny.
"Interestingly" for me, the after accident was devastating. Except my family and a few friends most of the people who came into contact with me have all reacted with aggressiveness and hatred toward me. I was breathing and "storms of nuclear hatred" would sweep almost everyone. I say "interestingly" for one reason. I was my own Humanitarian Studies.
Can you guess where I was? Can you imagine for a second how I felt to be hated for the sole reason that I lived, that I was there, that it was such fun and so easy for everyone. I was just twelve years old "twelve years old for Christ sake". I did not create human laws but I figured this kind of thing quite easily since it was a matter of life or death to me. I never gave myself the choice. I bang myself very hard with "absolute truths" every time I needed it. I called them my implacable evidence, so huge that even a blind could see them.
I have also not always been successful not to throw rock at anyone else when I was thrown some. I had to work very hard to not allow the resentment to worsen in me. As I said before, I was not better than anyone else, but about hatred and resentment, my bowl was already full. Also, the use of these implacable evidence was that I always tried not to moan in vain or to become entangled in stupidity. The, poor me, pity me, were out of my life. I’ll tell you another thing, life had placed me there and there would be no way out if I choose revenge and hatred? Hmm, I even worsened it. "What? There is a gateway to enter hell and no exit". Hey, life that’s what you want me to believe. "Well, well, well screw you bitch and eat your own Christ fucking shit!" As long as it will take me, I’ll clean my "Augean Stable" completely or will die of it. But I will not become a vulture, whatever the cost. I have given enough already, thanks. I’ll never be perfect, but at least I will die reaching my own humanity. I always thought "Thy will be done and only thy will, oh GOD". Another problem created in me relates to the "Murphy’s Act" that mean "If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong". Well, welcome to my world, that was what I often thought. To make things worse, the hatred against me, the "Asperger’s Syndrome" and the "Murphy’s Act" created a "Band of Moebious" inside me. Here’s a picture of it.
A "Band of Moebious" is a ribbon that back on itself. So where you start is where you finish. The psychological effect in a human is atrocious. In my case, it meant "Whatever you will do will not work because there will never be any way out for you. All will only lead to complete failure. So why are you fighting?" It’s a choice between doing nothing and to die of it or to act and to live for it.
We all received cards to deal with our life. For life I was just the biggest joke that ever was. Do you know that the lowest card in the deck is the "Joker" because it is unusable in most card games? Well, life gave me five "Jokers" and told me "It’s your hand. Deal with it". You know what I told you about worsening things? Well, I took that hand and I called that hand my five worst rotten lemons of life cards in the universe. For life, I just had to play them like anyone else played with the hand they received. I never found the "Joke" funny. I also knew that I had become my own "Moebious Band ". When you’re a pariah, you often think about suicide. But I knew first hand, it solves nothing. When we die, we only bring with us the suffering that we have experienced as an individual. Now you see my dilemma. How dare I believe that an autistic, retarded and crippled could fight alone against its own handicaps to get his sole chance of life? Whenever life would line up people, circumstances, anything to destroy me just because I refused its verdict, I just would work harder to try to get out of the mess life put me in. No one on earth would have been able to stay in such hell. This ideal of the life I had, I held my grip on it as hard as I could. Let go would mean that life and people had always reason in all they did to me and believed of me. I’ve never been better than others but I’ve never could stop thinking every time "If I act like them, I become like them and life win". I refused adamantly. To anyone I’ve hurt in my life I just want to say I’m sorry. The only way I could forgive me was to clean my act the best so I would not repeat my faults. I hope to this day that those I have hurt will forgive me one day. I promised myself just one thing. If I ever get out of this hell, I’ll write in blood if I have to on how I got out of there. For those who want their life better can do it too. Now you may ask "What can a child know such things about life?" My answer is "Because I had no other choice".
To fight to become my own warrior because a doctor had the integrity to tell me the truth saved my life. With all my rage for life and all this hurtfulness in me I bite in the hope of my life. Only this could save me because it meant that I placed my trust in a force greater than life. A force that I called simply "GOD". I knew nothing about him except that he was everything and only with him could I have a chance on my side. I found amusing that this hope of life became a beam of light that I used to guide me. More than once, I had no idea where I was going because I could not see, nor feel or understand what I was doing but I could always feel this ray of hope, telling me if I was on the right track or not. I will probably be called the "the fucking faggot". And people will laugh at me. You think I really should bother? Most of the people I have known in my life have already laughed to death at me. Whoever will laugh will only be one more number to the list.
This is the first part of a book I am writing and as you can read, the title is the "CHILDRENOFGOD". In the second part, I will explain how I used everything I could. I have developed and pushed further principles like "one day, the three words, one idea, one more step, the use of the imaginary, be your motivation, kick yourself, the implacable evidences" and much more. How everything can be considered as a mathematical equation to solve any situation? How to use perfection as a goal to reach? Can you achieve all your dreams? There is in every human being a place called the "Room of treasures." This piece is full of unlimited talents and treasures created by "GOD". Do you know how to reach it? Some of the methods that I used you already know, but for some others I had to figure them myself.
I have another confession to make. One of my impossible dreams was to become a "Five Star" waiter. This is my current profession and I succeeded. On 12 May 2000, I worked in a restaurant in Cabbagetown (a neighborhood of Toronto). The restaurant name was Chez Roger. A review of the restaurant was written by Ms. Mara Subotincic and Mr. Alan A. Vernon. They wrote for the website Toronto.com and they gave me a "Five Star" mention for the service I gave them that evening. The last time I visited the website the page was not available but I will attach a copy of it in my "Facebook" page. You do not know but maybe one day, maybe somewhere, maybe your dream will come true. To me, until it happens it was just an impossible dream. Have you ever heard of a handicap (retarded, autistic and cripple) becoming one of the world’s best in his profession and be recognized publicly, me neither.
As everyone now knows, I was despised and treated as if I was the worst vulture that ever was in the world. All the life conditions in which I was were horrible to live. Every day it was like to walk on a burning bush with a million injuries on my shoulders and only my dreams made this choice of live tolerable. I used some old sayings like "In your sorrows find your consolation or perish in it". I also used the words of Jesus "Walk half the way of the road and "GOD" will walk the other half to meet you". I often asked myself where my half would end. I never could decide what enough for me was so that God would join me at the other half.
Where does my past live in me and how can I use it? Who were my guides and my models? I’ve never heard of anyone being able to do everything alone. And today I know, I was never alone but even I chose guides like Anne Frank, Ellen Keller and some others. Even Napoleon was useful once a while. I had two rooms of life guides. One was for my life of everyday and the other was for my ideals. I will talk about each in this book.
I will also discuss the "Master Plan". Everyone has such a plan to guide his life. Now if you were stuck with the worst like me. How can you turn it in the other way and one day, not fourty years later, have your life on the right side. How to use the worst "Master Plan" to guide you towards a better today. I always refused to blame life but also always refused to trust it. Since life never gave me one chance, I never gave myself one. I was absolutely convinced that I would fail with what life had in store for me. So I just put the chances even. I estimate therefore that I would get only one chance to succeed. By making my dreams inaccessible, I made it impossible for me to stop working on reaching them. I even worsened things, I called the number of chances I had lucky to succeed as "One chance in the universe". To help you see how big it is, take a grain of sand in your hand. It is really small, is not it? Now divide that that grain by a milliard and you has "One chance in the universe". This is how I saw it for myself. I even pushed further. You know the expression "As sharp as Occam's razor". This means that the simplest explanation is the most essential in any situation. I just decided that for any decision, I would consider myself walking on "Occam’s razor" each time and in any situation I would be in. To be wrong meant that I would fall in the abyss of absolute despair and that I would never come back. Everything would be a matter of life or death. I will also talk about extreme oppression. How to go through such horrendous situations that you can’t never change? How to turn it positively? Remember, I was my own "Moebious Band"
I will also prove to anyone that no matter how much work we do, it may never be enough if we are on the wrong side of "GOD" like I was. Nothing that you ever done will ever be true unless it is sanctioned by "An act of GOD". Such an act is beyond anyone’s power. Hundreds of times on the loom, you have to command your work. Millions of times on the loom, I commanded my work.
Pray and hope that one day such a blessing is given to you if you deserve it. This will happen or not. That someone will act or something will happen that will validate all that you have done for God and that circle of hell that was your life is closed. I received this blessing from a friend name Posy Chisholm Feick. I say in the book what she did and how it happened. I also share some of the experiences I’ve had in my life to give you, I hope, a better understanding of your life.
I will also reveal why I died at the age of twelve years. Well, we can die at any age but whoever comes back of it never had to live a life of hell in all fir the rest of his life. I have search for a long time the reason of such an enormity and I found it. I discovered that my father, one of his brothers, his father and two of my brothers had terrible secrets. One of these secrets is the reason why I was his favorite son. I was a boy with curly blond hair, a boyish face not formed enough for a boy and a shrilling voice. When people saw me, they always said "What a cute littl’ girl you have?" Dad terrible secret was that "I was his favorite son as long as I was his adored littl’ princess". My brothers never understood why I was his favorite son. When I was five years old, I rebelled and showing my fist at the sky, I screamed at "GOD".
"I’m not a little girl because I have a dickie and my dickie makes me a boy."
Dad was a strange man, beloved by all, but with a dual personality. Everybody loved him and taught he was one of the most wonderful guys in the world. Very few people knew that his alter ego was one of the most diabolical being who ever was. Until today only two of my relatives admitted it. At the age of 30, I went to visit some of my relatives in Magog. There, my uncle Henri told me that a terrible wickedness had been done about thirty years ago. He did not know what but that the effects would be terrible one day for everyone on earth. He felt it in his bones and in the climate change and he told me that the worst hadn’t come yet. I told him "I know, uncle, I know". I didn’t tell him that I knew what he was talking about. The other is my auntie Bertha, now deceased. I went to visit her and we had a personal conversation. Finally, she asked "Do you believe in GOD?" and I told her yes, but in my own way, I told her that to me God exists, but I live "GOD" in my heart and by respecting the best I could his commandments. I didn’t attend church and didn’t talk about it because I didn’t need to be judge about it. That seemed to satisfy her because she then ask "Do you know that your father did som’thing terrible to you?" Our eyes were locked into each other’s. With one hand on my heart, I could not even breathe. When I finally caught my breath I lifted my fist to the ceiling and I yelled with a ferocious voice "I know, auntie, I know but one day I’ll have my life back, all my life completely ". I knew since many years that my father killed me. To him, I didn’t deserve to live because I refused to be his "adored littl’ princess". It was revealed to me in a dream when I was 32 years old. In that dream, I relived the car accident where he had hearts palpitations. I was next to him in the car seat when he had his palpitations and he couldn’t move. With his foot on the gas, he hit a big boulder on the side of the highway. He died the thoracic cage crushed by the steering wheel. He realized what was happening and his last words were "Margot, Margot". That’s how he called mom. After that, I found myself in heaven. Just so you know our first guardian angels are our parents, in heaven.
Being there was like being in a blue sky and I was standing in front of my guardian angel, Mom. Dad wasn’t there because he was dead and one of the conditions to be a guardian angel on earth is to be alive. So facing mom I felt on me "the light of GOD". It was like having a giant white spotlight over me. I saw my father’s intentions for me. This light revealed to me all the truth of my life. "The light of GOD" is also the light of life in every human being. My refusal to be his princess whom he wanted to be in love with caused our death. He thought he could defy the power of "GOD" and he was convinced not to die by such an act. I saw it all and my child heart dies. I had become one of those children abandoned by life. One of those who are called the lost children. In tears, I asked "GOD" to forgive me and prayed that "Thy will be done and only thy will".
I returned to my body and woke up in the hospital where a life of hell was waiting for me. It was not his only secret but I will reveal the others later. One of the reasons that hell continued so long in my life is that two of my brothers have continued the work of my father. They also made a life pact between them. Like my father and his brother, to always protect the back of the other no matter what they would do in life. They were 5 years old. The future will reveal that it was a devil’s pact. My two brothers also have the same secrets my father had. Not only have they tried to destroy my life, which I will prove later but their most terrible secret is that each of them has a daughter whom he is in love with, exactly like dad with me. The saddest part is that the two princesses do not know it because they have never rebelled and thus they became in love with their dads. Everything I’m telling you, I will prove it. Not only these terrible secrets from my brothers, my father and his brother and my grand-dad but also all the secrets of life that I have discovered. Why speak now? During all these years, these beloved and diabolic brothers never ceased to work in themselves to destroy me. I do not know how they did this but I could always feel the effects of their diabolisms on my life even if we were geographically separated. A few years ago when they tried to destroy my life, I came in possession of the documents proving the injustice and the illegality of their acts toward me. And yes, after being dismiss, the "Department of insurance benefit" wanted to cut my checks by six weeks because they consider that I acted in bad faith and was responsible of being dismiss. I didn’t understand so I went to see them and I asked, because it was my legal right, to see my file. I read the declarations, the one made in my name although I recalled writing my own, Daniel’s one and the last about the judgement by the Department of Labor. The one I supposedly wrote about the reasons why I’ve been dismiss by my brother Daniel and his janitorial company was a real rag. Whoever would have read it would have believed that I was a bonehead caring about nothing. Like I was saying, the sky is blue, the sea is calm and fucks you all. Even if it seems to describe me and demonstrate certain traits of my personality, it wasn’t me at all. I kept my cool without screaming because I smelled a rotten fish.
The second document was the declaration of my boss, Daniel you know who. My own brother Daniel. I read it and the more I did, the more I am hurt and in rage. That brother dearest only twisted all the facts and he wrote them with the dirtiest venom and the most disgusting way that I’ve ever seen use about anyone. My own brother had only implacable hatred for me, a hatred almost nuclear in itself. It was a writing the most foul and abject. That’s where I saw his true rotten nature. Once again, time stop and I look at all the facts without judging them. First, someone made my declaration disappear because the paper that replaces it is a piece of garbage. The person responsible of this didn’t even try to copy my writing. Only the woman responsible of my case could have done it but she would deny it. Secondly, that rag was dictated by someone whom knew me well because it stuck too close to the appearance of me. Thirdly, the only person who could have order it was my brother Daniel. I know that they will deny but twice I mentioned the name of my brother Daniel to that woman and each time she had vaginal pulsations. She became humid like a bitch in heat. Fourthly, even if is has been predict to me by a medium whom read the palm of my hand, a part of me didn’t want to fight anymore. Just to stay a vegetable that wouldn’t suffer anymore. My problem was that I’ve given already. I’ve been screw worst that anyone ever before. My own father did screw me even if I didn’t know how to prove it, life screwed when I was twelve and I would let these two nasty fuckers screw me more? "Hey, life, you and who, Tabarnac." Now, I was rage mad. I wrote four pages of a declaration wherein I describe what happened that evening with the more information I could remember. It happened just a few weeks before so it wasn’t that hard. I explained why Thursday night we have borrowed, me and my brother Marc the mop from the bank the last place we had to clean to wash the floor of the first place to clean the day after. The mop of that place was in ruin, unusable. That evening, we did the run beginning with that first place so we used the mop of the bank to wash the floor of that first place then we put the mop back in the Van. We then go and cleaned every location like the usual run and the last place to do was the bank. I describe the snowstorm that night and even the kind of snowflakes falling. I then locked the door and join Marc in the Van and i gave him the set of keys of all the business we did that night. He drove me home, I was living at Mom’s house at the time. There we realized that the mop was still in the Van because we forgot to put it back in the bank but we decide that Daniel will take care of it Monday. I go in and the next Monday evening, Daniel asked me if I remember having locked the door of the bank, the Friday before. I said I thought so. He said: I need more than what you thought, did you lock the door of the bank, yes or no? I said that I thought yes but I will give serious thought about it to give him a better answer. We let it there.
The Tuesday evening, he tells me that next week will be my last week. I was fire because he can’t employ someone who isn’t completely responsible of his acts. OK, I don’t like it but it isn’t the end of the world. I’m a janitor not the Prime Minister. I still keep a window open in me to understand. We are cleaning the bank, the last place when I was hit by what was wrong. So I ask him: Monday when you came to the bank to meet the director, was the mop in the Van or in the bank? It could be only one or the other. After giving it thought he tells me that the mop was in the bank. Why? I then said: Ask Marc if he came back at the bank to bring the mop back because when he dropped me at Mom’s place, we both saw that the mop was in the Van. He told me that he would inquire to Marc and would tell me Marc answer. When he answered me the following day he said that Marc didn’t remember anything at all about it. Ah, that’s interesting. I rewrite all of this in my true declaration and I also said that if anyone read the false declaration in my name and my brother’s one, I seem to be the worst vulture that exist in the universe but if you read my real declaration and after you read the declaration of my brother Daniel you realize how he twisted his lies, you see the truth of what happened and you see then the hatred that he really feel toward me. I also wrote to the insurance benefit department that if my due payments weren’t re-establish by a decision in my favor because it was provable that my case has been tampered with, I would be obligate to sue in Justice the lady responsible of my case then the federal government. I would use for that all the documents that I asked the photocopies for on my case. Thereafter, I would go after Mr. Vallées, Daniel and Marc by their first names and I would have sued them in Court for false declaration and professional defamation. I would have won and my two brothers would have been in jail. Still today, Daniel has never been able to answer to the only question I asked him about it. He say that he never bring the mop in the bank, he admit that Marc remember that the mop when he dropped me at Mom’s house was in the Van. But he can’t explain how the mop had materialize from the Van into the bank without Marc bringing it back even with the door of the bank unlock the Monday morning. And that because I didn’t have the set of keys of the van and neither the set for the business anymore because I gave that set to Marc. The only answer I ever had from him is "I dunno". Today, I close and seal that invisible door they were using to get through me. The trace of this past that they had on me doesn’t exist anymore. And now, not only my family but all the town, the country even the world one day will know their secrets. I also refused revenge because I know the cost of such an act. We always become like the one revenge on. To me, to make it even worse, I would have become Daniel # 2. I would never have been free of my past. I choose to forgive them. Today, I am free and to stay that way, I bathe myself at every moment in this "light of GOD". I imagine each moment that this light is always on and directed on me. This way, I live "the joy of the light of GOD". And to all those who have hurt me, I say "I forgive you all and I bless you all with the light of GOD" and I hope that peace and love that are true will be in this world for all of you.
To reveal with this writing the most evil acts in broad daylight means that I bless any darkness of my past with "the light of GOD". All of that is in this world and in heaven exists only by the grace of "the light of GOD". Mankind by his pride has distance himself a lot from "GOD", his father. How can "the light of GOD" destroy the darkness? All that is hatred, lie, wrongful pride and falseness of any kind can’t live under "the light of GOD". All those who lived by their sins are only vultures and cowards believing to be heroes. How can I be afraid of one who is terrified by his shadow? The one who live and breathe by his lies will never be able to extinguish "the light of GOD". I will speak about the soul. Can a broken soul be repaired? I will show you how I did it by my suffering, my work and my humility. I will speak of your sins, all the one you’re doing so often to degrade you in the name of "GOD". Do you know that sins are like bells that resonate when they are done? Do you know that they resound when you are sinning in the name of "GOD?" I never ceased to hear the chime ringing out of your sins since the age of twelve. This is one of the reasons why everyone hatred me so much. I never judged your sins. I was the dripping bloody human pulp on which all of you got rid of their sins. Your sins were given to me like if I was the sinner of all their acts of cruelty. The second part will describe what I did when I was seventeen. I made a master analysis of my case. After that, I started working on myself to have my life back. Later I will explain why I have always chosen to do the most difficult, because of a seer who predicted me all my future. I was nineteen and she described to me my past, my present and my future. Until today, all she said to me has happen. It was a remarkable and terrifying experience. While she spoke, it felt like "Death" itself had its head on my shoulder and was speaking softly in my ear.
"Listen very carefully because you will have one chance, only one to succeed in your life so remember everything".
To end this first part, I would like to share a promise I made to myself all these years. "If I succeed in getting out of that hell, I pray that I will not profit from human misery ever because it would mean that life and anyone who knew me have been always right to act toward me like I was the worst garbage that ever lived".
For life, I was the worst vulture who ever lived. A life rapist because I refused its verdict on me. Hitler was an angel compare to me. This is how I felt all these years. I knew that I never had the monopole of human suffering. But for "GOD" each suffering is a sign of his "Love". His "Love" to stop the darkness and make every being rejoice with him in beatitude. I know now that nobody ever gets his life and talent alone. We just do not know how much but we are never alone. When we are true and courageous we are always get help from "GOD". I’m not the only person who had heavy challenges in his life. But I know how it is almost impossible for a person born with differences or who becomes challenge to achieve any goals because their dreams are so far away from them. Most haven’t known better. The best way to help someone is to love that person for who they are as human being. Yes, the average person is more advantaged to achieve his dreams that a person born different. But it doesn’t mean that the less promoted person will never succeed. It will mean that he will be "more loves by GOD, he will need to work more". But for "GOD", we are "all his children". And the "absolute truth." is that "every human is the son of GOD". I hope that everyone who reads this book will be help in their lives. Tonight before going to sleep, your soul will cry like maybe you’ve never cry to this day. Because you ask yourself "Is everything I just read is the absolute truth?" Your inside will tell you.
You know, what will destroy the earth isn’t the devil but mankind. At this very moment, the Oil Companies want to pump the oil under the Amazonian forest in a supposedly secure way. What they do not say is that the forest isn’t only the lung of the earth but it is also the heart of the planet. Like a human with one heart, the planet also has only one. In an episode of the TV serie "Planet Earth", they demonstrate how essential is that forest is for life on earth. Our sun emits rays that are extremely toxics for the planet. When it happens, that forest produces waves of energies that counteract the toxicity of these solar emissions. If these waves of energies were not produce, the toxicity of the sunrays would destroy all life on earth. It would begin by the smallest organism then the insects, plants, birds, fishes and at last mankind. The first to die would be the babies, not one would survive then the children, the adults and the elderly. After that it would be the turn of everything of human fabrication because nothing resist at the toxicity of these rays. I call them "Ultra-toxics Yotta rays". "1 Yotta = 1024". It means that the power of one UV ray is multiplied by 24 millions. Nothing on earth would survive. Not in a day, more like about a period of 100 years, everything on earth would be transform in dust. Almost everything created by mankind would be destroyed. What wouldn’t be destroyed would only fall in ruin. You’re wondering what? Well, think about skyscrapers, bridges, planes and everything else. The toxicity of these rays disintegrates molecules. Everything is composed of molecules. Don’t tell me that mankind can live without the petroleum under the Amazonian forest because for that mankind would have to clean all the ecological micro-habitats that he has destroy.
These micro-habitats are essentials for the planet. If they are not restored, mankind will become more dependants of all the oil derivates. If mankind one day doesn’t clean his act, he will destroy the Amazonian forest for its oil. The humanity will then really be baked. And today, the society has now the technology and the financial power to do it. Face the truth using the "THELIGHTOFGOD" and pray to be forgiven. Only "GOD" can save you and only being truthful can guide you toward "GOD". This is why I am writing this book. If you do nothing to clean your act, you will call the "Apocalypse" of hell on earth. Many wish to be saved without deserving it. I swear in the name of "GOD" that everything I speak about is the absolute truth. I swear it in his name on my honor and on the heads of everyone I love. Whoever refuses to believe the "absolute truth" on anything I wrote just has to swear in the name of "GOD" on the heads of their love ones that I am lying in any way with their left hand on their heart and their right hand open up in the air like when people sworn an oath and swear that I lied in any way. There's something else I wish to share now. I do not have only that work in me. I have other projects, songs, paintings, books. I succeed because I became an artist in humanity. Who else have I become? But I became a king, a little king but a king of my own it’s that simple. When did it happen? Would you believe it? It was a 25th of December in the year 2011. It has been one of the most wonderful moments of my life. I’ll tell you all about it in the next part. The title of the book will be "THELIGHTOFGOD". A "FINANCIAL TRUST" is being set to manage the royalties that I could get from this book if I ever receive any. All the royalties I should receive one day from this book will be given to charities. Thank you, Alain Vallée.