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by Mike Spiegelman © 2012 mike@ Twitter: @Spiegelmania @LuggageTuesdays

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, and are used in a fictitious and parodic manner. All creative rights to the characters belong to their original creators. With apologies.

Spider-Man Wants to Join The Avengers

The Avengers never invited Spider-Man to join because Spidey's an emo cry baby.

Hawkeye: Sorry, Avengers aren't looking for new superheroes. Spider-Man: You're a superhero? Were you bitten by a radio-active arrow?

The Avengers: Here comes Spider-Man! Ignore him, pretend to be playing Pokemon. Spider-Man: Hi guys! Whatcha doing? Hawkeye: Pika! Pika!

Hawkeye: Talk to Nick Fury about joining. Spider-Man: How do I reach him? Hawkeye: Can't hear you over Hulk!

Hawkeye: Avengers, here comes Spidey, I'll stop him! *throws box of Uncle Ben's Converted Rice at Spidey* Spider-Man: Hey, low blow!

Hulk: Oh, yeah...ARGH!

Spider-Man: One day Avengers and Spidey will work together! Iron Man: Yeah, on Hollywood Blvd harassing tourists. Hawkeye: Aw snap!

The Avengers: Leave, Spidey, we're battling Loki! Spider-Man: I fought him in Amazing SpiderMan #236. Hawkeye: You read your own comics?

Loki: As your brother, I'm disappointed in you. Spider-Man told me you wouldn't let him join The Avengers. Thor: That little snitch!

The Avengers: This is Avengers HQs. Been here before? Spider-Man: Once, at Halloween. You gave me candy. Hawkeye: OK, don't cry, Emo baby.

Avengers: Hey Spidey, check out our new song: "Avengers, Avengers. Does whatever an Avenger does." Spider-Man: I'll see you in court!

The Unauthorized Adventures of Superman, by an Anonymous Boy Photographer Ext. Outside Daily Planet building. Superman flies by. BYSTANDER #1 Look, up in the sky!

BYSTANDER #2 It's Superman.

BYSTANDER #1 It's a bird!

BYSTANDER #2 It's Superman.

BYSTANDER #1 It's a plane!

BYSTANDER #2 It's Superman.

BYSTANDER #1 It's Superman!

BYSTANDER #2 Are you sure?


BYSTANDER #2 Are you?


BYSTANDER #2 Sure that flying man wasn't a bird.


BYSTANDER #2 Sure that guy with a cape wasn't an airplane?


BYSTANDER #2 By the way, were you talking to me or do you always say out loud what you're thinking?

BYSTANDER #1 You're belittling me.

BYSTANDER #2 Sure I'm not a bird?

BYSTANDER #1 Who are you anyway?

BYSTANDER #2 Who am I?

BYSTANDER #1 What's your name?

BYSTANDER #2 OK, chill dude.

BYSTANDER #1 And you are...?

BYSTANDER #2 Peace, man.

BYSTANDER #1 Your name is Peace, Man? Who's that? Who are you?

BYSTANDER #2 Who are you?

BYSTANDER #1 I'm the guy who mistook Superman for a bird. And you are...?

BYSTANDER #2 This is gold. Say that again.

BYSTANDER #1 Wait. Are you recording this?

BYSTANDER #2 Gonna upload to YouTube.

BYSTANDER #1 Gimme that!

BYSTANDER #2 Not cool, you can't acknowledge the camera.

Explosion. BRAINIAC runs by.

BRAINIAC Out of my way, I'm BRAINIAC.

BYSTANDER #1 Look out, it's BRAINIAC.

BYSTANDER #2 How can you tell? Maybe it was a can of tuna.

BYSTANDER #1 We're bystanders in a world of superheroes and supervillains. Either we point at the action or die in the action.

BYSTANDER #2 Amen, brother.

BYSTANDER #1 I'm not your brother, dickhead.

BYSTANDER #2 Oh, testy.

BYSTANDER #1 Excuse me, I'm late for work.

BYSTANDER #2 Where do you work?

BYSTANDER #1 I sell merchandizing at Duran Duran concerts.

BYSTANDER #2 Mechanizing?

BYSTANDER #1 Merchandizing.

BYSTANDER #2 Merchandise.


BYSTANDER #2 Merch table. Tableful of merch.

BYSTANDER #1 That's funny. Are you still recording this?


Superman flies by.

BYSTANDER #1 Look, it's Superman!


Int. PERRY WHITE's office of the Daily Planet Clark Kent enters.

CLARK KENT Guys, I need to step out for a minute. I should be back before SUPERMAN arrives.

CLARK KENT leaves through office door. Enter SUPERMAN through window.

SUPERMAN Hi guys! Where's CLARK?

LOIS LANE He had to step out but will be right back.

SUPERMAN What? No! [Smashes PERRY WHITE's desk] Dammit! [Smacks office globe into bookcase] Every time I arrive, CLARK's never here! [Sets garbage can on fire using laser beam eyes] Arrgh!

SUPERMAN exits through wall. CLARK enters.

CLARK KENT Hi guys...holy cats! What happened?

JIMMY OLSEN Superman was acting like a dick.

CLARK KENT Bet you wouldn't say that to Superman's face, tough guy.


PERRY WHITE Great Caesar's Ghost!

LOIS LANE What is it, PERRY?


LOIS LANE What do you mean, boss?

PERRY WHITE Isn't it obvious? The same face, the same build. It's not like he's wearing a mask.

JIMMY OLSEN He just takes his glasses off.

PERRY WHITE Explains why he shows up to work wearing a SUPERMAN costume under his suit.

LOIS LANE And why he leaves before SUPERMAN arrives.

PERRY WHITE No wonder CLARK's lunch breaks sometimes takes four days.

LOIS LANE Or why he took a leave of absence during The Death of SUPERMAN.

PERRY WHITE Or why CLARK's Top 5 Friends on MySpace are the Justice League.

LOIS LANE Or why SUPERMAN is always saving us.

PERRY WHITE Or that every super villain attacks the Daily Planet.


PERRY WHITE Or that he's a local newspaper reporter but he's always investigating intergalactic crime.

LOIS LANE CLARK never told me and we've been casual dating for years.

PERRY WHITE I've seen you kiss SUPERMAN. It's like you're cheating on CLARK. How could you?

LOIS LANE How could I? CLARK's the one who is sick.

PERRY WHITE I have to fire him.


PERRY WHITE We can't have SUPERMAN working at the Planet. Safety of others, conflict of interest, not focusing on his day job.

LOIS LANE You mean he can't focus on journalism when he's out fighting crime.

PERRY WHITE I can’t fire him today, I’m having lunch with my old rival from The Daily Bugle.



CLARK KENT Sorry I'm late, Mr. White. I had to pee.

PERRY WHITE Quite alright, my dear boy, are you alright?

CLARK KENT What do you mean?

PERRY WHITE Your skin is beet red and you're shivering. Looks like you flew through the air.

LOIS LANE My God, CLARK, your hair is a mess, it's so windswept. Where were you, falling from a building?

CLARK KENT No, just at the Container Store.


CLARK KENT Bad news, JIMMY. Newsie the Daily Planet puppy was just run down outside by something a bystander called “a speeding bullet.”

JIMMY runs out of office, crying.

Ext. Outside the Daily Planet building JIMMY OLSEN crying. SUPERMAN flies over.

SUPERMAN I descended from the heavens when I heard a grown man crying.

JIMMY OLSEN Clark Kent said our office dog died. Can't you fly against the earth's orbit and go back in time before Newsie got hit by a car?

SUPERMAN Yeah, I could, but I don't wanna.

JIMMY OLSEN [thinking] You dick.

SUPERMAN Clark said you had something to say to my face? No, nothing? Yeah, I thought so. You know I can hear your thoughts, right?

SUPERMAN kicks sand in JIMMY's eyes. JIMMY passes out.

Int. PERRY WHITE's office. Enter PERRY and his rival but longtime friend, J. JONAH JAMESON. Both MEN abruptly halt. The gory corpse of SPIDER-MAN litters the office. A barely conscious JIMMY OLSEN sits up, covered in blood.


PERRY WHITE Great Caesar's ghost!

J. JONAH JAMESON Jumping jazz!

PERRY WHITE By Odin's beard!


PERRY WHITE Thorny milk thistle clusters!



PERRY WHITE By Yahweh's robe!

J. JONAH JAMESON The resident president!

PERRY WHITE General Grant's goggles!

J. JONAH JAMESON Get me Robbie!

PERRY WHITE Neptune's trident!


JIMMY OLSEN How did I get here?

PERRY WHITE By Eros' battle cry!

J. JONAH JAMESON Gilding lily!

PERRY WHITE Poseidon's trident!

J. JONAH JAMESON Robbie Robertson, where are you!

PERRY WHITE Fresh mint Trident!

J. JONAH JAMESON Golden goose eggs!

JIMMY OLSEN Whose blood is this?

PERRY WHITE Stop the presses!

J. JONAH JAMESON Headline news!

PERRY WHITE Fantastic phantasms!

J. JONAH JAMESON G-g-g-g-ghosts!


J. JONAH JAMESON Flaming bush!

JIMMY OLSEN That torso, I recognize the costume...It's Spider-man. [vomits]

Enter SUPERMAN through window.

SUPERMAN Jimmy Olsen killed Spider-man!

Correction We mislabeled our source who detailed Superman's cruel single-minded vengeance. He should have been identified as "Anonymous Boy Photographer and Cub Reporter." Luggage Tuesdays regrets the error and sincerely apologizes to Mr. JIMMY OLSEN of Metropolis.

Superhero Obituaries

Galaxy Ghoul, age unknown, died Tuesday, from complications of a comet. He is survived by his two foster children and a space chimp.

The Brain Teaser, 89, died Monday of suffocation after locking himself in his car.

Super Captain Seven, age unknown, died this morning, battling <b>Ultimate Major Z</b> on some planet.

Correction We mistakenly reported the demise of Super Captain Seven at the hands of his adversary, Ultimate Major Z. Eyewitnesses have confirmed it wasn't Cap after all, but instead his Eccentrico Galaxy alternative universe doppelgänger, Neves Niatpac Repus. We sincerely apologize to the Captain's cyberfamily and cyberfriends.

Super-Villains Missed Connections

Saw you in the magazine aisle at Long's 10/22 - w4m - (Beverly Center, Hollywood) Me: fighting Ms. Patriot near the pharmacy section, emitting Sonic Blows. You: reading GQ. So cute, never knew men still read that. Coffee?

No Name Sushi, Asian Girl - m4w - (Church Street) You watched me lose a battle to superhero Super Captain Seven. I think you're Japanese, or Korean, but please don't be offended by my racism. After all, I am the Mighty Xenophobe.

*****Brunette Man being tossed around by Incredible Hulk *** - m4m (Former downtown Pittsburgh) You were in a blue Toyota by where the Trader Joe's used to be. The Hulk lifted your car and threw you to me. Destiny? Email me the Ring Master36 at

Space Marine Named Woodman - ?4m (Space Dimension Alpha) Enjoyed talking to you, albiet briefly. Didn't intend to eat your squad, either. Was having a bad tentacle day. Never got to hear your answer to my inquiry, "What is love?"

On Bus Route 38 (San Francisco) Yesterday morning. Me: Off to refight superhero Blonde Bombshell. You: reading paper, blonde hair, hot legs. Winds up we have the same burn mark on our faces. Destiny or coincidence?

Party Girls at Lincoln Memorial - m4w -(Dee Cee) You 4 girls were tight Friday night. I was the second henchman to the right of the Ultimate Major Z. If you see this post let me know!

The "But I'm Iron Man"/"But I'm Batman" Game Playing field: Inside automobile, preferably during car trip. Players: Two siblings, backseat; parent or friend's parent driving. Each sibling picks one side of titled argument. One begins by stating: "But I'm Iron Man!" The other retorts with, "But I'm Batman!" Continue in this fashion until driver pulls over and threatens physical harm if the game is ever, ever, ever played again. Game log: Shirley: Make room. I want to stretch my legs. Leo: No! Shirley: But I'm Iron Man. Leo: But I'm Batman. Shirley: But I'm Iron Man! Leo: But I'm Batman! Shirley: But I'm Iron Man! Leo: But I'm Batman! Driver: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shirley: But I'm Iron Man... Leo: But I'm Batman... Shirley: But...I'm Iron Man. Leo: But, I'm...Batman. Driver: Didn't I just say, "shut up!" Shirley: (crying) But I'm Iron Man! Leo: (outdoor voice) But I'm Batman! Shirley: (falsetto) But I'm Iron Man! Leo: (Val Kilmer-ish) But I'm Batman! Shirley: (sung to the melody of "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath) But I'm Iron Man! Leo: (screeching) But I'm Batman! Shirley: (stretching legs) But I'm Iron Man! Leo: (like a robot) But I'm Batman! Driver: (pulling over to the shoulder of Rte 3) Iron Man, Batman: shut it up! (to passenger) Elaine, what's the hell's wrong with your kids?

The Super Secret "But I'm Iron Man"/"But I'm Batman" Game Same as The "But I'm Iron Man"/"But I'm Batman" Game, but whisper it. Play until driver snaps at your sibling, and not you. Game log: Shirley: (whispering) But I'm Iron Man. Leo: (whispering) But I'm Batman. Driver: (under breath) Oh hells no.

Aquaman Catchphrases “Sea” you later. Marco! Drink this! Looks like my water broke. The water park is closed…for repairs. That’s what she gurgled. No, I don’t know Superman. It’s like snatching water from a baby. With you behind bars, looks like I’ll be sleeping with the fishes. I’m here to eat kippers and kick ass, and I’m all out of kippers. Now rinse. On second thought, scratch that. I would never eat kippers, kippers are our friends. I never promised you a water park. Fish hate your urine! At least I’m not Green Arrow. Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to punch. At least I’m not Hawkeye. “Aqua” means “water” and “man” is short for “man, I’m gonna fuck you up.” Don’t make me dolphin punch you. In outer space, no one can hear you swim. Let’s make his quick. I’ve got a romance book cover shoot at 2. Your days are water numbered. The Earth is 70% water…so, yeah. If I ever see you in a body of water again, I’ll kill you.

Superhero Parody 2012 Annual copyrighted 2012 Mike Spiegelman. Originally versions first posted on

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, and are used in a fictitious and parodic manner. All creative rights to the characters belong to their original creators. With apologies.