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Protests ensued at City Hall after subway passenger makes eye contact with another during morning

Uproar over awkward stare on subway
ing on the subway between Queen and King stations that morning. “I just don’t understand why something like this would happen,” said the human being, whose identity has been protected to prevent further embarrassment. “I mean, he had an iPad. Why did he need to look up? Now I’m all uncomfortable.” The victim, who said that the incident made them feel connected to humanity for the first time in years, called the experience “creepy.” O’Thonajon has tried to defend himself by saying his eyes were just wandering, and that he would never in a million years try to be so bold as to connect with a total stranger on the Toronto subway. “Are you kidding me? I’m flying through an underground tunnel in a murderbucket filled with lunatics and you expect me to be reaching out to people?” said O’Thonajon. “Not to mention the fact that their eyes were also looking at mine. “Frankly, I think it’s their fault. I feel violated myself,” he said.
SUBWAY continued on A3

A group of about 50 protesters stood outside City Hall on Tuesday after Jonathon O’Thonajon, 33, had the audacity to make brief eye contact with another human be-


The other Ford brother

You don’t Mo me
Toronto, we need to talk. In my strenuous field of work (I write four inspiring columns a week and get paid more than your entire family tree, you poor son of a bitch), I am constantly bombarded — nay, encircled — with opposing views and thoughts that just make me want to… Ugh. This is so hard to write, but I’ll do it because I’m a warrior. A word warrior. I believe in freedom of speech and the need — no, the right — to express your opinion, even if it’s incomprehensibly stupid and against my beliefs. But then again, you can go fuck yourself. If you didn’t get it the first time, buddy: Go. Fuck. Yourself. You might be wondering why I, the Supreme One, would disclose such a daring and devilish description of details that dwell deeply in my dome. It’s because I’m great and you’re a worthless reader. One time I was watching TLC
Store and box price: Free to boost circulation. Could we pay you to pick up this paper?


“I believe in freedom of speech and the need — no, the right — to express your opinion.”
— where I get most of my inspiration — and decided to write a column about a show I watched. It was about weddings, another field that I’m an expert in. I actually used the word skidderplonk. No one changed it. Not the monkey copyeditors, the editors or even the cleaning staff. And I got paid for it, biatch. Another time I was writing about some sports game — I watched it on the TV — and it turns out that I’m actually fantastically awesome at that, too. Suck it, Cocks. But back to what I was saying about my opinions being more important than your entire family’s achievements and aspirations, I really am this good. So finger-lickin’ good.
DIMANNO continued on A8

big keitH/tORONtO StAH

Clarence Ford has been locked under the stairs in the Ford house ever since he was a child. Not like Harry Potter at all, then.

The Stah reveals the previously unknown and completely shocking history of the first Ford brother

Deep within the bowels of the Ford household lives a forgotten soul with the potential — unlike the rest of the family — to benefit the lives of others. In the basement, in a cupboard under a set of squeaky wooden stairs, resides the enigma of Clar-

ence Ford — the other Ford brother. While at Ford Fest, wrong directions to the bathroom led the Stah to this lost gem. An open doorway glows under the flicker of candlelight, illuminating the gently lined face of a middleaged man holding a 1997 issue of The Economist. “Oh, I would love to go to the

door to greet you,” says Clarence Ford, standing up and brushing off an impeccable suit. Glancing down, it is apparent that his ankle is chained to one of the house’s main supporting struts. The eldest Ford brother hasn’t been outside in 25 years.
FORD continued on A3


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A single moment of eye contact on the Yonge line has caused an uproar over a passenger’s behaviour
SUBWAY from A1

Awkward moment on subway threatens lives
people have nothing to look at other than each other.” He also said that eye contact on the subway is a slippery slope that can lead to empathy, altruism and kindness. “It would pretty much bring society to a standstill,” Jones said. “If we start caring about everybody we ride the subway with, we’ll have to stop taking the subway altogether because the collective depression would crush us.” For Schmidt, the point of the protest was to prevent similar situations from happening again. “If we can keep just two people from ever sharing a genuine moment of connection, I’ll sleep better at night,” she said. “It’s the small victories that keep us going in this struggle. The victim is recovering well after

Many outraged Torontonians have taken to the streets with signs like “Take back our public transit” and “Keep your eyes off of my eyes.” According to Linda Schmidt, the organizer of the protest, it is the government’s job to do something to avoid situations like this. “What happens when you lose or forget your headphones?” Schmidt asked. “If there are things we can do to prevent this from happening, we should implement them.” Alexander Jones, a fellow protestor, agreed. “We’re demanding that more ads be put up, preferably with a lot of text — and maybe a couple of TVs to distract commuters,” Jones said. “Things like this happen because

Silky bearerSOn/TOrOnTO STaH

Officials are considering putting blindfolds on all TTC passengers to prevent similar situations from happening in the future.

being taken to the hospital for symp- The emotional injuries are said to be disconcerting and awkward for evtoms related to emotional trauma. non life-threatening, but “generally eryone involved.”

The other other Rob Ford brother
FORD from A1


Unfashionable Torontonians are freezing to death in above-zero temperatures.

Scarf shortage causes death
A severe lack of scarves is killing people by the hundreds of thousands

Toronto is recovering from a cold snap that has left thousands, or millions, dead. The whole thing has been made even worse due to a lack of scarves, which Torontonians depend on to get them through grueling winters. Bodies were found lining the streets Wednesday morning as temperatures dropped to a punishing 6 degrees C Tuesday. “This is awful, everyone knows people in Toronto can’t last without scarves,” said police spokesperson William Davidson. “These seasonally mild temperatures have just made it all the more tragic.” A global lack of wool is considered as the cause for the scarf shortage, according to the International Wool

Appreciation Society. “It was something to do with less sheep being born or something,” said a spokesperson of the group, who asked for anonymity because of their affiliation with such an embarrassing group. Most of the frigid bodies were found around the area of Queen Street West. “Look at all those stiffs!” said Rocco Rock, a porn star, who was walking to work down Queen Street. “We are working to remove those who have perished,” said Ken Bodiman. “We have to work fast before this cold day turns into a cold night.” Temperatures are expected to drop to 2 degrees C on Wednesday night. “The horror,” said Davidson. “The horror.”

As a youth, Clarence was a relatively normal child. He enjoyed the same things all kids enjoy: fingerpainting, puzzles and picture books. It was only when seven-year-old Clarence finger-painted an impression of Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh (which now hangs above the door frame in his room) that his parents grew concerned. When puzzles turned into algorithms and picture books turned into atlases and encyclopedias — at the tender age of seven-and-three-quarters— his parents grew really fucking concerned. “Mother and father simply weren’t able to cope with the idea that their pre-pubescent child was more intelligent than they were,” says Clarence. “Frankly, I gather the majority of people are, though.” As a result, Clarence was made to walk in a harness at all times. His younger brothers, Doug and Rob, never showed the same “precocious desire to learn,” so they were not subject to the leash. In fact, Clarence attributes one key incident as a defining factor in his relationship with Rob. “Rob was always a fat little fuck, and would approach anyone who had anything resembling sweets,” says Clarence, smiling wistfully. “One day, a man wearing bifocals and a trench coat attempted to coerce Rob into his white van with the lure of Twinkies and puppies.” Clarence stomped on the likely assailants foot and made Rob endure physical activity (something

foreign to him called “running”) because Rob was supposedly in danger. “I was totally in control of the situation,” says Rob. “Weiner [Clarence] was just always jealous that I was a hustla from day one.” Since then, Rob has held a grudge towards his older brother, finding catharsis by lashing out, such as at last week’s Santa Claus Parade, in which he pelted at least a hundred children with candy. It was actually at age 12 that Clarence had hit a final nerve among his family. For his elementary school’s science fair, young Clarence devised a machine that converted pigeon feces into clean energy for the city. He won first place and was lavished with a $500 bursary, which he later donated to charity. The machine was, unfortunately, lost to the world when it vanished in a suspicious garage-fire, found in Rob’s room and then vanished again in a suspicious crowbar accident. “There’s no way he didn’t cheat or bribe someone,” says middlechild Doug. “You go big or go home, there ain’t no fair game when it comes to success. Clarence never would fess up.” Consequently, the younger Ford brothers ganged up on Clarence and chloroformed him. He later woke up in what is now his room, chained to his bed. His parents just kind of went along with it; they learned that it’s best not to argue with Rob when he’s in a Clarence-fighting mood. “Doug’s a tool,” says Rob, squeaking around in an alligator-

skin suit and matching shoes. “He tried to tell me knocking Weiner out was a bad idea. I told him, ‘Pussies don’t make it in the real world.’” With his endless free time, Clarence explores the world of knowledge. He has read The Art of War numerous times, and taught himself 13 different languages including Russian, Sanskrit and Ebonics. He has spent considerable amounts of time working on quantum mechanics and reworking various flaws in Einstein’s theory of relativity. Above all else, Clarence’s most valued pursuit remains his search for the cure for the common cold. It’s not immediately clear why, with such obvious mental abilities, he can’t figure out how to break out of a basement. But his complacency with his unique lifestyle only came after various escape attempts in his teens and twenties, including one mission to lose his virginity. The woman who he consorted with, Rosalie Connors, is waiting for him to this day. “After I got to go out and experience life, I was okay with coming home,” says Clarence. “That, and Rob has gotten extremely skilled at tracking and chloroforming me. Now, I know that my family needs me. I worry about them, they need someone to watch over them.” When asked his opinion on Rob getting the boot from office, Clarence’s response was, “When was he elected in the first place? It’s things like this that make me glad I don’t have to deal with your society.” And indeed, for now, he doesn’t.


NEWS Awesome condo to be built atop other awesome condo
The erection of a new icicle-inspired condo delicately carved into the corner of Yonge and Gerrard streets marks an existential discovery for Toronto: it can only survive the onslaught of the middle class by locking up its best and brightest — those who live and breathe life behind the glass walls, hundred-dollar bills, and sprinkles of divinity. I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds crisp and articulate, so I shall go on with it. Ahem. The new building, officially The first stage of the project is complete, and the construction company is ready to begin phase two: a second 100-storey condo atop the first 100 storey masterpiece. Mag-fucking-nificent. Bril-illy-dilly-ant. As the first development of its kind, the project is hardly expected MISSTOPHER to succeed: this is why it is indeed HUME Toronto’s most admirable endeavknown as “Crème de la condo à la our. Torontonians, after all, spend condo,” is well on its way to bafmost of their time with their heads fling North America and beyond. in the clouds anyway, and won’t express a single care if it all goes to THE RYERSON STUDENTS’ UNION PRESENTS: hell. But for now, construction continues. As the project director of the condo tower told me in his brandydoused penthouse suite, the buildPRE-EXAM DE-STRESSORS ing will enable residents to live “closer to the heavens” and ignore Exam season is upon us, but the RSU the horrid reality below. has got you covered Toronto is crumbling under the weight of arduous tasks of the simFeaturing: ple-minded, like dealing with green Full AVEDA Institute space initiatives, bike lanes and Credit Union Lounge, de-stressor booth those dreaded “save the neighbourLibrary Bldg including hood” campaigns. 11am-3pm Hair styling I, Misstopher Hume, swish my Neck and hand massage trenchcoat in disgust. Makeup touch ups $20 Hair cut cards I rather think it would be best to avoid these heinous matters alFive minute Body Massage together. The new condo establishprovided by the RAC ment will give its elite residents the opportunity to do just that. RSU exam stress buster kits It has been a long time coming. available For decades, the city has begged for Free food and drinks

2012 UNWIND:

SlIPPerY Steve/tOrONtO StAH

Yo dawg, I heard you like condos, so I put Phase 2 on top of your condo so you can always have two condos.


an excuse to escape the hustle and bustle of urban life without depriving themselves of Toronto’s delicacies. “Crème de la condo à la condo” will solve their problems by hosting a plethora of Burberry shops on the north-west corners of odd-numbered floors, 15 Oliver and Bonacini restaurants as well as a Starbucks location on every floor. The building will also feature seven swimming pools, four Longo’s grocery stores and a five-storey museum filled with mementos and artifacts

used by the unfortunate citizens living in the squalor at street level. As I perch on a stool at a Starbucks on the 75th floor, I realize with dull tranquility why people would enjoy spending their time away from the riots, festering germs and street meat below: their minds can melt in peace, as they vanish into ghostly entities of Toronto’s prestige. Thousands of feet above the grime, residents need hardly ever emerge — and that is the irresistible beauty of it.

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Tim Hortons cup just sitting there like an inconsiderate dick

2012 Holiday Party
You are invited Monday, Dec 3, 2012
4pm-7pm Thomas Lounge
1st oor, Student Centre, 55 Gould St.
The Ryerson Students’ Union strives to create accessible and inclusive spaces for all of its members. If you have any accessibility needs, email as soon as possible.

Join the RSU for an evening of food, drink and entertainment to celebrate the end of the first semester and the holiday season.

Cash bar available

A single Tim Hortons cup, size large, is sitting on the cold, merciless cement beside a stone garbage can at Church and Gerrard Streets. It has been resting one foot away from the waste bin since Sept. 13. The cup, devoid of caffeine and comfort, spent the last three days in pouring rain, collecting muddled leaves, tasteless wads of Bubblicious, and forced tears from apathetic passers-by. It also survived the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, thanks to the adhesive power of the dog shit making it stick to the sidewalk. Jessica Butterscum sent a panicky email and a sepia-toned Instagram photo to complain to us about the state of the lonely cup, left to decompose on the sidewalk. “I couldn’t believe it had been there for so long. It’s been a month now,” said Butterscum, who takes the same route north on Church Street to work

every morning. “This cup is ruining my commute. So I guess somebody should do something about it.” Butterscum isn’t the only Torontonian affected by the empty cup’s proximity to the garbage can. Ronaldy McSnider, who stared at the cup on the ground for 20 minutes before shrugging his shoulders and moving on his way, said the abandoned coffee cup nearly cost him his life. “It started with one poor guy suddenly stopping and staring at this cup, and five more pedestrians plowed right into him. They all fell over like dominoes. One chick broke her elbow,” McSnider said. According to Toronto Police Traffic Services, a total of 56 injuries have been reported in connection with the Tim Hortons coffee cup. More than half of the victims reported suffering severe whiplash. In the last reported case of neglecting to place waste into a garbage can, it took the city of Toronto three and a half weeks to pick up a Starburst


wrapper that had fallen onto the sidewalk on University Avenue north of Queen Street A confidential source told us the city had considered calling in the military for emergency assistance in such high profile litter cases. We expect the city will already have slotted in a time to send essential resources to pick up the cup, but we really couldn’t care less where it ends up.
What’s broken in your neighbourhood? To contact us, go to or call us at 416-979-5000. You can also tweet @torontostah to bring attention to problems in your neighbourhood that you don’t give a shit about.




Distillery District: set filter to douchebag
The Distillery District is to be rebranded as the Amateur Photography District, finally providing a place for insufferable youth, ignorant try-hards and confused seniors to take blurry unimaginative Instagram photos
teur photographers can simply just point and shoot. As well, buildings will be painted in sepia tones so you can get that classic double-sepia feel. “We realize that, although technology has given us endless possibilities, it’s still hard to take a decent photo that doesn’t look like it was shat out of a drunken donkey,” Barksdale said. “We want to create a place where drunk couples stumbling home from the bar can stop and take a disgusting number of photographs on their iPhone or Android devices.” The new district will feature Instagram stations with staff to help if you just got the new iPhone and still haven’t figured out how the fucking thing works. The APD will also have a blog where people can post those jaunty tilted angle shots we have all come to love. Reactions have been overwhelmingly in favour of the transformation. Lezzy Fingerbolt, a 20-year-old waitress with shattered dreams who works at Café Uno in the district, would have never picked up photography if it wasn’t for her job’s location. “The buildings just beg you to take pictures with a fisheye lomography camera,” she said. “I can hear the tank house yelling, ‘please take an underexposed image of me, please!’” The APD will not just be directed to Toronto youth. Fredward Smooth, 64, wandered down Mill Street with a digital SLR camera he bought yesterday. “I honestly have no idea what the fuck I’m doing,” Smooth said. Barksdale announced that the revamp is scheduled to begin in February 2013 and should be completed whenever they get around to it all. Cameras will be provided at the press announcement.

Would you look at that. How interesting and original. I’m glad you own a camera.


pretentious fuckbaggery. “Their dream was to provide a place where creativity would flourAmateur photographers now have a ish and passion would be aroused,” home to call their own. Henry Barksdale, head of media Barksdale said. “A place to erect relations at Toronto’s historic Dis- your art.” With the continuing influx of sad tillery District, announced Tuesday that the district’s name will change people with expensive cameras, busito the Amateur Photography District ness owners and investors alike are looking to propel the district even (APD). The distillery, which closed in further. One of the proposed changes 1990, was purchased in 2001 by Cityscapes Holding Inc. to be rede- consists of frames that will hang veloped as a hub of culture, art and throughout the district so that amaTUMBLR REPORTER


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Ryerson drops fees, apologizes for delay

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After years of student campaigns and protests, Ryerson University has finally dropped fees. “I really had no idea that this was something students wanted,” said Ryerson president Sheldon Levy. “People tell me there were a few signs around campus, but I must have just missed them.” Levy added that if he had known that this was an issue, he would have dropped fees long ago. “We really just throw all your money in a pit and burn it, so it was no trouble to just let you keep it,” he said. “I’m just so sorry about this whole misunderstanding.” Ryerson Students’ Union president Rodney Diverlus celebrated the victory with his fellow RSU leaders by throwing a “dope” pub night at campus shithole, The Ram in the Rye. The event lasted well past 10 p.m. and attracted more than seven attendees. “I knew we could make a difference if we just kept holding poorly thought-out protests,” said Diverlus. “To be honest, I’m not even


RSU president Rodney Diverlus, seen here accomplishing something with his time.

sure what ‘drop fees’ really means, but I sure am glad that fees are now dropping at an unprecedented rate.” Fees to be dropped include the service charge for paying service charges, tuition for arts majors and the five dollars students pay to avoid getting punched in the kidneys by Julia Hanigsberg. Levy applauded the originality of the RSU’s idea, but said that “they shouldn’t have been so quiet about it.” He stressed the university didn’t

even remotely need the money it was previously charging and that if students had wanted fees to drop, they should have pursued the campaign with more intensity and less carefully thought-out strategies like camping outside until fees drop or making signs asking for more money like some kind of unionized hobo collective. “I tell you, when you’ve got a gem of an idea like drop fees, you shouldn’t be so timid about it,” said Levy. “I can’t believe I’m just hearing about it now.”




ning a rival team’s jerseys and “It’s not me, it’s you” tattoos. Ford fired the councillors before the session could begin and told them to get “the whole 10 fucking yards” away. “Toronto is ready for a comeback,” Ford had said, with his hand over his heart. “Taxpayers can’t afford to pay councillors for not voting the way I want them to. It’s just not right.” Some critics have suggested that the appointment of the Eagles to office could have led to a growing feeling of public distrust of Ford. This, coupled with his use of city funds to purchase a limitless supply of donuts and his loss of the high-profile conflict of interest case, prompted Don Cherry to recommend that Ford be asked to resign. “When Cherry stepped in, we knew we had lost,” said Doug, Rob’s older, slightly thinner brother. “That guy would probably vote for Charles Manson if he promised to lower taxes, so you know this was serious.” Ford, for his part, remained petulant throughout a reading of Cherry’s announcement. “Fuck these guys,” he said to the empty chair beside him, which should have been occupied by a supporter but instead belonged to a teenaged football player who was in school at the time. “I don’t need Toronto, Toronto

“I never really wanted to be mayor anyway”

Ford’s unplanned exit from office followed an unexpected move last fall to replace city council with Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, football players. Members of Ford’s ousted after a controversial court Don Bosco Eagles football team ruling Monday, announced today took over to represent nearly half of the 44 wards in the city of Toronto. that he was leaving town. The remaining wards were repre“I’m taking the gravy train going anywhere,” Ford said in his farewell sented by Doug Ford. The appointment came after speech. Looking slightly dejected, he Kristyn Wong-Tam, Adam Vaughan added: “I never really wanted to be and seven other councillors attended last week’s city council meeting donmayor anyway.”

StretcH armStrong/toronto StaH

Ford says the only reason he took the job was to help. He says you can all suck it.

Friday, November 30th

Rams Basketball vs. Brock Women at 6:00PM & Men at 8:00PM Men’s Hockey vs. McGill at 7:30PM
Saturday, December 1st

needs me,” Ford said. “Just you wait. You’ll come crawling back when you’re covered in gravy and justice.” Witnesses claim that Ford had been “bawling like a little girl” before addressing the public in a press conference. In the conference, Ford deflected questions regarding rumours that he may run for mayor in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “I’ve always been a fan of the Kalamazoo Hornets,” Ford said. “But I’m not sure if college football is my thing.” When reminded that the question had nothing to do with football, Ford turned an angry red, threw his microphone into the crowd, and immediately left for the train station.

There are already plans for Toronto-based developer EllisDon to purchase the swanky Ford home in Etobicoke and turn it into a gravy factory, according to spokesperson Irena Tumbleweed. “It’s in a very desirable neighbourhood,” Tumbleweed said. “With the Fords vacating the city, we felt that this was an ideal time to advance the gravy industry in Toronto, which has been suffering since the city cracked down on its production.” The judge gave Ford two weeks to vacate his office, but a blurry, handwritten note already posted on his door Monday afternoon allegedly read: “Fuck you all. Being mayor is totally for dorks.”

City drops everything to stare at one-legged pigeon

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The city of Toronto came to a standstill yesterday when a pigeon with a single leg hopped through the intersection at Yonge and Dundas streets. The pigeon caused major TTC delays and the Eaton Centre to close, as most workers fled their posts to lay eyes on the bird. One TTC worker was so amazed at the sight that he went into shock. “I’ve never had a seizure before, but then again, I’ve never seen a onelegged pigeon before,” said Dean Jobb. “I’d say I feel like it was all worth it, though.” The pigeon, whom we’re all just calling Twiggy, stopped in the middle of the intersection and hopped continuously for about 35 minutes, his head bobbin’ and tail feathers shakin’. Onlookers called it “awesome,” “cool” and “strangely hypnotizing.” “Caw caw, caw caw,” he said.

Twiggy has already inspired several songs, paintings and iPhone games. Local sculptor LaBruce Estevan said he plans to make a marble statue of Twiggy as soon as he can figure out the physics. “Seriously, how is that one little leg supporting the whole bird?” he said. “This bird can do anything.” Canadian author Margaret Atwood ran out onto the road and tried to touch Twiggy. He cawed at her. “He just hippity-hoppitied in the middle of the intersection like it was nothing,” said Atwood. “I wanted to take that bugger home with me.” Atwood said her next book, Look DeliciouS pete/toronto StaH at this Fucking Bird, is in the works. this pigeon may have one leg. or not. Doctors at the University of Toronto’s Bird Leg Research Centre “Seriously, how is that one came forward during the chaos and little leg supporting the offered to donate a prosthetic leg to whole bird? This bird can Twiggy. do anything.” Upon the announcement, Twiggy flew away. LABRUCE ESTEVAN “Caw,” he said. LOCAL SCULPTOR




Trudeau smiles, takes the lead
The dreamiest member of the Liberal party since Paul Martin is a perfectly legitimate and seasoned politician

Liberal leadership hopeful Justin Trudeau smiled at a crowd of onlookers this morning, and as a result, valiantly pranced his way up to the front of the federal race. Eighty-six per cent of the country said they would vote Liberal in the next federal election, up from 42 per cent yesterday. The hopeful himself dubbed the smile “The Vanquisher.” He said it’s because “it usually gets Canadian citizens pretty excited.” Nancy Camelbak is one of these Canadians. She said she has voted conservative for 56 years, but after today, she will probably vote Liberal. “I always thought Justin was a little too young and inexperienced to be prime minister,” she said. “But then he smiled and everything changed. You could even go so far to say that my life has changed.” Her sex life, that is. Camelbak admitted she went home to masturbate to the image of Trudeau’s smile. She said it is forever ingrained in her mind for future masturbation experiences. Edwin Law, Vancouver dentist

Parker knickerbocker/ToronTo STaH

Justin Trudeau’s smile may be the deciding factor in the next federal election.

and social scientist, said Trudeau’s smile is appealing to voters because of the teeth-to-gum ratio. “His gums are one-sixth showing. The brain immediately perceives this to mean that a person is kind-hearted, yet a strong and gallant leader.” Law also said because Trudeau smiles with his mouth open, people perceive this to mean he has all kinds of smart things to say. According to a study by the

University of Alabama, a political leader who has a warm and bright smile can get almost anything he fucking wants on the world stage. “A smile is a powerful tool. No, a weapon,” said Trudeau. “I could use this thing to get Australia to agree to give up its weapons of mass destruction.” He quickly flossed between sentences. “World peace, guys,” he said. “World peace.”

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Bears infest Toronto for some reason

The city of Toronto is suddenly filled with angry bears, and nobody seems to have any clue as to why. Sightings of all nine bear types, and some koalas who think they are legitimate bears, have been reported to Toronto Animal Services. When asked what they planned to do about the infestation, a representative of Animal Services said they intended to “get the fuck out of here.” The death toll hit 19 early this morning when a grizzly ran into oncoming traffic on the 401 and decided climbing onto the cars was the easiest way to get through the gridlock. Onlookers described him as agitated and assumed he “probably hadn’t had his coffee yet. Bears drink coffee, right?” Many more people are maimed, but only because they thought they could hug the Giant Pandas, which, as it turns out, is a bad idea since they are still bears.

bear wiTH an iPHone/ToronTo STaH

bears are absolutely everywhere. There might even be one behind you right now.

Polar bears were seen smashing into any store selling Coca-Cola, which can be attributed to the fact that the company’s donations were never that substantial and did a terrible job of saving the bears’ habitats. Citizens are surprisingly unconcerned about the presence of these very large, deadly mammals. Most are simply perplexed as to what brought them here in the first place. “Well the city has more women than men, right?” said Mitch Dudeson. “So maybe their lady business all got on the same cycle thingy and their communal time of the month

attracted a shit-ton of bears.” More reasonable residents have formed the opinion that the bears are here in an organized effort. “Really though, it’s got to be some sort of bear conference,” said Ursa Black. “They have at least a few representatives from every major bear family in the world.” This speculation continued concerning why black bears are even here during their hibernation period. “It’s got to be a really important global issue if they all woke up for it,” said Black. “Important bear shit.”





Mosie DiManno lays down the law
DIMANNO continued from A1

New public art display sparks confusion (and fire)

It’s been a difficult year for me. I’ve had to overcome obstacles and write a lot about what I think, and I think a lot. I constantly fill notepads and entire hard drives (they’re not really that hard) with my wise words and profound prophecies. But for those pathetic pundits to point their fingers in my direction and say I’m wrong is just a travesty, a calamity of astronomical proportions with worldwide consequences that will be felt from now until eternity. And I won’t stand for it. Nor will I sit on it. I won’t lay down like a log (note my alliteration) in front of the hordes of stupid poopoo-heads who disagree with me. They’re wrong,

I’m right, and I’m also the best person to send to Libya when a revolution breaks out. Also, got a major worldwide sporting event? Send me, I guarantee you every single story I send back will revolve around my life somehow. I. Am. So. Freakin. Awesome. I really am. I believe in my right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and getting paid up the buttcrack for it. Is that too much to ask, bitch? Why are we even still talking about this? I have to see Cruickshank later and ask him to read my story out loud to every single person who works at the DiManno Stah. Oops, I mean the Toronto Stah. It should be called the DiManno Stah. Mosie out.

Avant-garde artist’s piece of public installation art accidentally sets Montreal on fire Sunday; Montreal has mixed feelings

Become a Parliamentary

Montreal firefighters fought a blaze on Sunday in the southern half of the city. A public art piece, which was installed the previous evening, is believed to be the cause. The art piece, Le Verre de Grossissement avec une Poignée, is a giant magnifying glass designed by artist Jacques Dubois in partnership with Crystal Clear Inc., a Canadian glass manufacturing company. The art installation is said to be a statement on the declining koala population in North Korea, prompting one critic to say: “Even if there are koalas in North Korea — and I’m pretty sure there aren’t — I don’t see what this has to do with it.” The magnifying glass stands 15 metres tall at an angle of 45 degrees, which turns out to be a great way to set a city on fire. The first report of the fire came in at approximately 12:47 p.m., when the sun was at its highest point in the sky. It is believed strong sunlight streaming through the magnifying glass sparked a small bushfire underneath the installation, which

DaviD — hey, Does anyone know Dave’s lasT name? — ah, fuck iT/ToRonTo sTah

Thousands of poutines perished in the fire, which burned long into the evening.

quickly spread to a nearby garden. Witnesses reported they didn’t immediately contact the authorities because they thought it was part of the exhibit. “The city is always sponsoring different art projects and such, and they are always so out there. I can’t tell what belongs and what doesn’t. I saw a fire under the giant thing and assumed they had just one-upped themselves,” said Pierre Cheval, one of the first locals to notice the blaze. “I was honestly a bit disappointed that they hadn’t.” He added that he was also disap-

pointed that he was now homeless and covered in horrible burns. Firefighters were slow in their response time as they too weren’t sure if the fire was an accident or a part of the art display. When they arrived at the scene, a wall of fire had started to spread down both the north and south sides of the Promenade. “We were caught in a tough position,” said fire chief Maurice Dupont. “On one hand we probably should have stopped the fire before it destroyed half our city, but on the other, we would never want to interfere with such fine art.”

“Blandest day” has reporters longing for the days of worldwide suffering

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Deadline: Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The 57-year-old record for least eventful day was quietly and uneventfully surpassed yesterday, in a staid display of normalcy. Observers had no strong opinions on the news of the day, as nothing important happened, no one important died and the world was neither free of, nor rife with, any sort of important calamity. That’s it. Seriously, stop reading. Fuck off and do something interesting with your day so I don’t have to write anything like this ever again. “Everything is pretty okay” makes for a terrible headline, and you’re killing me. Four years of pricey post-secondary education has led me to this. My god, I should have listened to my mother. “Go to medical school,” she said.

“Maybe you should become a dentist, or even an actuary. You’ll work good hours, make even better money and someday you can start a family. Anything but journalism,” she pleaded. And by being a pretty alright place, the world has proven my mother correct. I hate the world. Please stop reading, because this is devolving into incoherency. The only productive thing I’ve done today is stare at Doolittle’s reflection off that shiny table that Cruickshank bought for the boardroom. Instead of worrying about the declining business model of daily news, he buys a fucking table. But hey, at least I got an eyeful of Doolittle, which was a nice way to punctuate the days that my series of poor choices has led me to. Days like today, when nothing happens and no one dies, just make you wonder if you wouldn’t be hap-

pier waking up in someone else’s life, someone who is respected and beloved by the general public, instead of reviled and stomped on. Journalists are what, the third most hated professionals? Seriously; the only professionals more hated than journalists are lawyers and politicians. That’s bullshit. Most people hate me more than they hate telemarketers? Fuck you, at least I don’t disturb your nice evening, random citizens. Did you see All the President’s Men? Epic. I thought I would be doing cool shit like Woodbert and Steinward. Same thing with Good Night and Good Luck. I thought journalism would be cool. Instead, I can’t even leer at the interns without HR getting all up in my face. Anyway, nothing happened today, you’ve long since quit, and I’m two words short of my word count. Screw Flanders.




Rain clouds continue to shit on Great Britain
A motion passed at the International Union of Rain Clouds (IURC) convention results in continued rainfall in Britain

GENEVA — Rain clouds have decided to shit all over Britain, according to a statement released by International Union of Rain Clouds (IURC) spokesperson Steve Drizzle. “One of the founding tenets of the IURC is to make life as miserable as possible for the Brits,” said Drizzle. “We continue to be committed to defecating on Great Britain as much as possible.” The announcement comes on the heels of the IURC’s international convention, held in Geneva, Switzerland. The meeting, plagued by classic cloudly indecision, lasted several days. A number of high-profile experts supported the motion to continue to ruin the lives of the British. Dr. Richard Leeson was among them, whose research showed that 97 per cent of UK residents felt that getting perpetually

soaked was an integral part of their national identity. “Our studies show that not only is a continuous downpour vital to the British economy, but if it were to be sunny in London for more than 20 days a year, 86 per cent of the population would perish from sunstroke,” Leeson said. The motion to crap all over the UK has been in effect since the IURC was founded in 1898. Before then, the constant precipitation in the region was primarily due to rogue clouds, but the mandate was formalized when the union first drafted its constitution. The motion has been continually renewed every year since then by a nearly unanimous vote. The only exception was in 1970, when the Vietnam War had led to an increasingly anti-American sentiment among rain clouds, and there was strong support for the possibility of shitting all over the United States instead.

pRobably an asshole/ToRonTo sTah

Rain clouds from all over the world converged in Geneva to decide on the future of storms and falling wet stuff.

Another issue debated at the convention was the union’s official response to the advent of new wind-resistant umbrellas, including the GustBuster, certified to withstand winds up to 30 kilometres per hour. “These so called ‘umbrellas’ pose a serious threat to our union’s integrity,” said IURC President Jean Cloud Van Damme. “If we can’t destroy people’s umbrellas, what use is a rain storm? The whole point is to get people wet.” Solutions to the umbrella issue in-

cluded angular rainfall to reduce um- their umbrellas for years. It’s high time brella efficacy, and an increase in tar- they get what’s coming to them.” geted lightning strikes of 16 per cent These motions, along with proposed over the next two years. amendments to the Shit on Britain Accord that would see a relocation of rainfall to needy regions in Africa and “The whole point is the Middle East, were defeated by subto get people wet.” stantial majority votes. “We decided the best route was to JEAN CLOUD VAN DAMME continue doing what we’ve always IURC PRESIDENT been doing — shit on Great Britain,” “I say we fry the bastards,” said a said Van Damme. union member who wished to remain “Especially London. I’ve always anonymous. “They’ve been flaunting fucking hated London.”

Scientists in Liberia lack funding, water Woman sues after butt

LIBERIA — Scientists in the Republic of Liberia are reaching out to international agencies for better instruments, laboratories, computers and water. Monrovia, the capital and largest city in the African country, is home to almost eight scientists at the University of Monrovia. One of them is Saleem Abdel-Qader, a chemistry professor. He says he cannot teach his students without proper academic material and tools like beakers and Bunsen burners. “How can we teach our students without the instruments necessary to facilitate higher education and practical learning?” Abdel-Qader said. “Also, we are very thirsty. Help us.” Physics professor Wolor Kadee doesn’t want his students to be affected

by the lack of funds. “It’s not their fault that we can’t provide them with proper teaching tools,” Kadee said. “Or water.” Alfred Oldlan, a second-year biology student, said he hopes the university can acquire supplementary funding. “My classes are running out of samples to conduct tests on,” Oldlan said. “And I am running out of water for tears.” The International Council for Science (ICS) issued a statement on Monday calling for assistance for AbdelQader and his probably six or seven other colleagues, saying “it is absolutely imperative that funds be sent to Liberia.” “We cannot let fellow scientists go under the radar like this,” the statement read. “We must help them with the chemicals, calculators and computers required in today’s modern society.”

“Just don’t send anything that is nourishing.” Lawrence Rich, ICSU president and a civil engineering professor at Oxford University, said the University of Monrovia is on a list of many post-secondary institutions that have requested funding. “We are trying to accommodate as many schools and institutions as we can,” Rich said. “But our universities need to be improved first. We only have 124 computer labs and eight fivestar restaurants.” The International Foundation for Science (IFS) said it was prepared to send water to Liberia in 2015, after it realized that you need water to “do science” and “be alive.” Abdel-Qader said he appreciated the sentiment, but added that he was “still very thirsty.” “Help,” he said.

injections gone wrong

TEXAS — A woman in Brownsville is suing a plastic surgeon after he supposedly botched her butt injections. Gina Crétin is accusing Dr. Fillmore Janus of cutting corners during a recent buttock augmentation procedure. Rather than injecting transplanted fat cells, which is standard in the surgical cosmetics industry, Janus is said to have filled Crétin’s buttocks with a combination of compost extracts and Welch’s grape jelly. “I said I wanted to have some junk in the trunk,” said Crétin. “I didn’t expect him to fill it with actual garbage.”

Crétin declined to further comment on the impending lawsuit. However, her lawyers confirmed that she is claiming more than $1 million in damages, prompting many to ask how messed up a million dollar ass would have to be. While Janus admits that he may not have filled Crétin’s butt to perfection, he says he is not liable as he technically did what he was paid to do. Crétin said that her ass, as well as her life, has been ruined forever. Though his lawyer urged him not to comment any further, Janus had one final thing to say. “My only responsibility was to make a huge ass,” he said. “I never promised that I would not use any jelly or rotting garbage.”




I wish that I had Jesse’s clothes
As protests heat up in the Middle East and activists demand their “right to dignity,” jealousy over Stah reporter Jesse McLean’s awesome threads is also on the rise

Blame it on the beans

BAHRAIN — As reform protests in Bahrain grow in size and girth, citizens are calling for fair elections, freedom of speech, and ace reporter Jesse McLean’s sweet, ass-hugging Gucci jeans. At universities, hospitals and shopping malls, Bahraini citizens marched in the streets of Manamana and demanded their “right to dignity.” They also demanded McLean’s foxy clothes, including his Armani Exchange scarf, Banana Republic belt and simply fabulous Versace cufflinks. Abdullah Al-Otaibi, a spokesperson for the Bahraini government, said protesters have been calling constantly for Jesse’s “slaptastic pants.” “They are behaving like hooligans in their pursuit of freedom and pretty Jesse’s clothes,” Al-Otaibi said. “We are proceeding with caution as his navy blue blazer is simply to-die-for.” Al-Otaibi added that police and army forces are stationed at key locations in the city and are ready to respond to any aggression. “They will use brute force if the protesters get out of hand or chant unpatriotic phrases,” Al-Otaibi said. “I like your scarf, Jesse. Give me a call sometime. We can grab dinner. “Maybe go back to my place.” Hundreds of students gathered at

Jesse McLean makes us think: people live in nightmarish conditions we can’t imagine, and we dress like common hill folk.


the University of Bahrain on Monday, eventually shutting off the Al Esteglal Highway. The protesters chanted “Gucci, Gucci, that booty’s got Gucci,” when McLean — who decided to show off his so-fab-I’m-going-to-die argyle FCUK socks — approached them. Tension arose between the students and riot police stationed nearby when McLean bent over to tie his $357 Burberry shoes. “We are here today to demand

democracy and freedom of speech,” said Sarah Nour, a student at the U of B. “Also Jesse McLean’s underwear.” When fighting broke out 15 minutes into the rally, Nour and her friends, all nursing students, helped tend to the wounded. “How can a government do this to its people?” Nour said. “His jeans are out of this world.” McLean’s golden boxers, purchased from Mexx for $150, were

the main reason for a rally outside the Ministry of Foreign Affairs on Tuesday. “This is madness. What the government is doing to us, the Bahraini people, is just madness,” said Salem Al-Khawaja, an Ahlia University politics professor who helped organize the rally. “If you are letting [McLean] into our country, to report and to interview us, at least give us exclusive access to his hotass crotch-collector.”

No game of cat and mouse for 8 accused of murder
A community is shocked to discover that crazy cat ladies finally went crazy, police say

HALIFAX — Seven people are dead and three others are wounded after a peaceful search party for a lost kitten turned violent in Halifax last Thursday. The initially calm and flighty crowd could be heard purring, crying and singing softly at Peggy’s Cove at dawn. But the group — which met at a senior’s knitting and bingo class every Sunday afternoon — soon turned fierce: armed with bunny-slippers, canes, as well as bags of mice and catnip, the elderly women attacked an innocent group of pedestrians who didn’t stop to help their cause.

“They came out of nowhere,” Josie Pumperbickle, 22, said through a veil of tears and a black eye. She had just stepped off the bus on her way to work at the local bakery when she and the other passengers were attacked. “I told the ladies I wished them luck, but I couldn’t help them. It was senior’s day at the bakery, and they like to get an early start. I couldn’t leave them hanging,” Pumperbickle said. “Then, they started throwing catnip pellets at us, and it was like a bomb went off. Screeching tires, fingernails flying and oh, the screaming. I thought those grandmothers would never shut up.”

“Then, they threw catnip pellets at us, and it was like a bomb went off. Screeching tires, fingernails flying and oh, the screaming.”

Leonard B. Sperkle, 73, told the Stah his own wife attacked him on the beach that morning. “She must have been up to some witchcraft, cursing like that. Ethel and the others stole dentures and

started chasing more passengers with them,” Sperkle said. “I was scared for my life — and all I could do was drool.” Halifax police were called to the scene at 6:41 a.m. All fifteen attackers, aged 75 83, were arrested for disturbing the peace and assault with a somewhat deadly weapon. Const. Barney Blister of the Seniors’ Investigations Unit also confirmed the women are suspected of “mixing and sniffing their own catnip for personal enhancement.” Neither the attackers, nor their lawyers, could be reached for comment.

PHILIPPINES — An annual beaneating convention in Manila was determined as the cause of a foul odour that plagued Toronto several weeks ago, meteorologists said Sunday. “Due to Manila’s incredibly high population density, as well as the propensity for beans to produce noxious gases within the human body and the prevailing westerly winds, Toronto literally ended up getting the brunt of a shit storm,” said Ray Jennings of Weather Network Canada (WNC). Over the last 45 years, travelers, foodies and bean-lovers abound have gathered in Manila to feast upon these protein-laden fruits, celebrate and break wind. A dedicated intern army working for WNC found a correlation between media coverage of “poo-like smells” and the timing of these festivities. “We wanted to be totally sure that this was the case. Like, completely, unequivocally, straight-fire sure,” said Ashley Meyers, an intern. “And I think we have finally got a legitimate model.” Meyers explained that since Manila has approximately 51,000 people per square kilometre the sheer volumes of gas produced were blown towards Canada by wind systems called the “prevailing westerlies.” While this gas travelled over the ocean, it condensed, and was then propelled across Canada through the jetstream. This year, due to changes in warm and cold ocean currents (el Niño and la Niña,) the jetstream dipped particularly low, right over Toronto. It deposited all of its contents, including the condensed gas as a result of mass flatulence, all over the city. Water sanitation experts are raising a red flag and warning GTA residents to boil their water before any sort of use. They have no comment on the toxicity of residual precipitation, but warned it is a result of shitty weather.




that’s PENGUIN Yeah, We’re right.


writing about penguin sex. E2

Meet your local asshole


Five helpful tips to ensure your kids crash ’n’ burn

s peens TeR j o Hnson/T o Ron To s TAH

Pressure to become vegetarian can be detrimental to every child´s destructive habits: the Diabetes Diet can help parents stuff their children silly — the way it should be
Kids are just a fucking treat, aren’t they? I was originally assigned to write about how to make holiday-themed snacks for your little bastards. I spent a week compiling the best childfriendly recipes, trying them out myself and discovering what worked best to give you a list worthy of the world’s greatest mom. Then this morning I came downstairs to find that my three-year-old ray of light had taken a shit all over my notes, while my 6-year-old knowit-all stood by and created a work of art on my formerly pristine white wall out of glitter nail polish and chocolate pudding. I’ve decided to fuel all my reactions to this particular incident of child creativity into today’s piece, to help me restrain from reducing my precious little gifts of life to adorable piles of dust. So here, fellow suffering parental units, is my cathartic list (plan) on how to make sure your brats become diabetic: 1. Unfortunately you can’t actually catch diabetes, so it’s not like you can stick all the little buggers in a room and hope it spreads. Instead focus on raising their risks to develop it, and that starts with one thing: weight gain. Use every asset in your parental power to make sure these kids get so round they need to be rolled to preschool. It’s easier than you think, what snot-filled vessel doesn’t want to spend all their time playing video games and eating crap? 2. Science says that sugary drinks are linked to Type 2 diabetes, so become the cool mom all the other moms hate and pile those empty calories on your munchkins. Any type of pop you can think of, that fruit punch that’s only one per cent juice and as many caffeine-filled energy drinks as you can get away with before their little hearts explode — I find that if you start early enough and keep to schedule, you can usually get in 30 or 40 Red Bulls a day. And if you get judging looks from other parents for that last one, just kick them in the teeth. 3. Up that processed food intake for your little angels! Avoid the terms “organic” and “made with real.” Avoid the fresh food aisles at your local grocery store. Actually, just avoid grocery stores in general. Corner stores and fast-food joints will serve your needs much better. And don’t forget the days of the week — like McDonald’s Mondays, Wendy’s Wednesdays and Taco Bell Thursdays! 4. Make sure your little tykes aren’t

Bi Anc A jose/T o Ron To s TAH

According to surveys, sugar induced comas ensure a healthy sleep.

being too active, as exercise reduces the risk of diabetes. Discourage them by lying to them, saying that the outdoors are filled with ghosts and that walking up stairs is for terrorists. Then take the parental controls off the TV and make sure they have all the Gameboys they need to occupy them for weeks. And if they’re walking around too much, push them over. 5. Truly dedicated parents must also discourage any healthy tendencies their offspring have picked up.

Teach them that green vegetables are the devil and that they’ll never be the mayor of Toronto if they keep eating those carrots. If they’ve learnt not to trust you and won’t listen, just start injecting their favourite healthy snacks with liquid sugar. Just remember that even if you don’t succeed at giving them diabetes, you’ve still physically and emotionally crippled your children. And isn’t that what good parenting is all about?

To many people, Jean Téppere (above) is an eccentric bag of tricks. But the man known for running into childrens’ birthday parties to pop their balloons can only be described as a duffle bag of dicks. We talked to the Local Asshole about his life, aspirations, and thoughts on Seinfeld. Q: You’ve been an absolute cocktrooper to many people in Toronto. How does it feel? A: I’m more than people say I am. They call me a bastard, but I’m a glorious dickrifle. There’s a difference. I feel like I don’t get enough recognition to be honest. Can I take some money from you and never pay you back? Q: No. Take us through your typical day, swine. A: I wake up in the morning next to my life-size Kobe Bryant replica. I brush my teeth with sweat. My breakfast consists of Cheerios and protein powder eaten straight out of the container. Q: That’s disturbing. What makes you think you’re the best Local Asshole in the city? A: Am I allowed to be racist in my response? Q: No. A: Well in that case, I deserve to be the Local Asshole because I eat, drink, and breathe asshole. The Art of Asshole, a book I wrote while drunk and watching a UFC fight, explains my ideology and commitments to being a complete son of a bitch. Q: I refuse to acknowledge you as a decent human being, so I changed my next question. It’s now, ‘how do you justify your actions’? A: I justify my actions by watching sports. Sports have made me the man I am today. Q: What’s your favourite sport? A: Armed robbery.




Kicking the Bucket

BReadwind flowe

Rpo T/To Ron To STaH

Royo and Zuba, gay penguins at the Toronto Zoo, have been experimenting with disturbing sexual acts. They started catcalling visitors and touching their nipples.

Gay penguins “starting to get a little weird about it”
Penguins at the Toronto Zoo have started getting a bit too kinky, zoo officials say

Two gay penguins at the Toronto Zoo are getting “a bit weird,” zoo officials said in a press release Monday. Simone Angroan, the zoo’s director of Sexual Relations Between Creatures in Cages, said the two male penguins, Royo and Zuba, were just typical gay penguins at first. “But then, they started to get

bored, I think,” said Angroan. “I’m fine with sexual diversity in my animals, but these two are starting to just get... unsettling.” When they engaged in BDSM and masturbated in front of zoo patrons, zoo officials said it was nothing too extreme, but might require “some extra attention in the future.” “Royo and Zuba are weird,” Angroan said. “But when they started

tying each other up in front of the children... it got too weird.” In early November, Royo was caught urinating in Minx the Caracal Lynx’s water bowl. “We saw him going in the bowl and when Minx started drinking, Royo and Zuba started laughing and touching each other,” Angroan said. “I’m sorry. I have kids and if they knew I dealt with this every day they would be horrified.” On Oct. 28, Zuba and Royo were found drunk and naked in a cage, “with nothing but goggles and a leather belt nearby.”

Angroan and other officials like Todd Shuttlebutt, head of the zoo’s Animal Procreation Research department, decided to segregate Royo and Zuba after they noticed “other animals at the zoo wanting to be weird too.” “No one goes to see the lions or the tigers anymore,” Shuttlebutt said. “But people can’t just be subjected to penguins fucking all the time.” The two penguins will remain separated until they “tone it down.” “They should go back to being cutesy” she said, shuddering. “This is getting out of hand.”

Help: I found porn on her iPhone. What to do?
Q: I found porn on my girlfriend’s iPhone. We’ve always been very open with each other, but finding this makes me wonder what else she could be hiding. Her play count on one specific video was at 696. And the worst part is that the man featured in the pornographic content looks almost identical to my 76-year-old bachelor father, which makes me feel like she is lusting for him. Sometimes I catch him staring at her. Feeling disgusted. A: There is only one solution to this problem. Let your girlfriend have sex with your dad. She clearly wants his wrinkly junk inside of her. A 696 view count? Jesus. That’s a little more than lust. That’s what I call an But before you do, put on Ginuwine’s hit tune “Pony.” The combination of music and dim lighting will cause them to jump each other’s bones, guaranteed. They will be so excited. But once your girlfriend realizes you can outperform your father in bed (sort of) she’ll see what a silly obsession it was and probably stop FIONA watching the video. SWEATBUCKET Keep going through her phone, though. Beware of porn that feaobsession. You can help make this magic tures women who look like your happen. Invite your father over for cougar mother. If you do, attempt a fancy Sunday dinner with you and to repeat the same process to fix the your girlfriend. Slip a viagra pill situation. You know, I don’t blame that into your father’s meal to make sure he’s ready for when the time comes, girlfriend of yours for crushing on and then pretend to get a call from your old man. Because let’s face it: work. Leave the house in a hurry. men like your dad have been trained to satisfy women for decades, and can probably make her tremble like Haiti if he wanted to. Maybe you need to pick up some new tricks in the sack. Maybe she’s trying to tell you greying chest hair makes her wet. Maybe she’s pissed you can’t get into her kinky vampire role-play fantasies. But your dad will. He’ll be alert and ready to please before you can finish laughing at the image of a sparkling Edward Cullen rolling around between the sheets. Quit being a wuss and take control. Practice on a best friend before you reveal your newly-mastered set of all the right moves. Though she won’t know about it, she’ll secretly be glad you did. Hope this helps.

Pack your safety goggles, epi-pens and the last copy of your will: across the street from Mack Weinerbaker’s famous hot dog stand on Bay Street, what looks like a giant, firey toilet taking up the sidewalk is actually Toronto’s newest food joint. The Bulging Bucket, an independent pop-up food stand and failed franchise from San Francisco, opened for business Saturday night to catch the late-night crowds heading to and from their debauchery. Billy Chunkmunster, owner and chef of the Bulging Bucket, says the company prides itself on being the most “disgustingly tantalizing” food stand in all of North America. “What we’ve got is something special,” Chunkmunster said, pausing to wipe the tears streaming down his face. “Nobody has ever thought of surprising people’s taste-buds with deliciousness and illness all at once before. My eyes are burning.” The Bulging Bucket, which towers over passers-by, consists of a blowup carnival dunk-tank where its top dish — The Bucket — is brewing. Before the big reveal of the establishment’s hottest dish, Chunkmunster climbed up the ladder and onto the diving board to stir the gooey, bubbling concoction of pigeon feathers, Mexican cuisine and anguish. The putrid smell of pulled porksauteed chicken feet and chocolatedrizzled meatballs wafted over the 30 delirious food-stand enthusiasts. The first five attendees received face masks and biohazard suits as door prizes, but that was all Chunkmunster could afford. “I put my heart, soul and money into making deliciously destructive delicacies,” Chunkmunster declared. “If they’re stupid enough to spend money on this shit, they probably deserve to keel over. I think I just grew a tumor.” Ernie Bernie, 16, hasn’t built up a tolerance to the dish and will likely die before Christmas. “All I want to do is stuff my face until I throw up five times,” Bernie said while shovelling a chunk of nutty caramel and chili into his mouth. The University of Toronto student stood in line for 12 hours for the Canadian debut of the Bulging Bucket. According to the warning posted on the company’s food stand, the Bulging Bucket advises its customers that it is not responsible for any allergic reactions, vomiting, food poisoning, migraines, choking, internal bleeding or death that may occur due to the consumption of the Bucket.



life & entertainment
couponer who was in charge of creating the families’ end-of-the-world stockpile. So far, she has purchased approximately two gallons of chocolate sauce for about $5 and 4300 boxes of Twinkies for $3.45. It took three years of planning to finalize all of the arrangements for moving the group into the bunker. They even hired a designer, PierreJacques Le Jacques, to make comfortable ergonomic arrangements with their furniture. “This was a really exciting project for me,” said Le Jacques. “I’m currently in the process of reinforcing old boxes of twinkies and supergluing them together into chairs and tables. It’s going to be urban-derelict chic.” Kevin Marshall, 18, went along with the plan because he had “nothing better to do.” He says he looks forward to the much-needed peace and quiet that comes with underground living and morbid obesity.

Twinkie bunker families’ armageddon solution
Twinkies for eternity “sounds like a pretty good deal,” says one member of an exclusive new cake-based survivalist outfit

SPUTNUMBERG, AL — Five families have pooled their life savings together to purchase the first-ever Hostess Brands factory as the company declared bankruptcy. These families bought the property to prepare for the end of the world, which is set to occur on Dec. 21, according to notable whackjobs, crackpots and stoners. The families are planning on converting the outdated facility into a state-of-the-art survival bunker, complete with a lifetime supply of sugary goods — Twinkies galore. “We’re gon’ live here for ever live with us.” and ever... and ever,” said Michael The Marshall, Jenkins, DuBois, Jenkins, 35, an ex-rancher. “I even Monterey and Demoine families have brought my favourite steer to come mortgaged their properties, emptied

“We’re all gon’ die,” said Aggie DuBois, 5. “So we gon’ die in the lap of luxury, my momma says.” According to DuBois, the 40 total family members are looking forward to a “communal style of life.” Moira Demoine, 45, originally got the idea to purchase the factory after watching an episode of Family Guy. “Y’know how ‘em twinkies never gon’ expire?” said Demoine. “I thoughts to myself, why not feed my family for life? If the end of the world’s gonna happen, we doggone not gon’ go down without a fight, yessir.” Demoine rallied the four other families to devise a plan to make the factory tornado-proof, hurricaneproof, bullet-proof, sand-proof and SELMA SWEETTOOTH/TORONTO STAH cozy. Besides the obvious structural reinforcements necessary to make a their children’s college funds and 150-year-old building liveable, a gibroken their piggy banks to scrounge ant underground lair has been dug up the $1.5 million to buy the origi- out for the families to move into. Elvira Monterey, 65, is an extreme nal Twinkie factory.

Tits, tarts and shiny, pink parts
Tucked away in the west end of the city, high tea and higher heels makes for a dangerous spectacle

Roberto Alagna in Verdi’s Aida

Salvador’s Shanty of Sin *** Address: 7777 Tarragona St. Chef: Auguste Escoffier Jr. Hours: 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. Reservations: a required for perverts row seating Price: complimentary with purchase of 5 lap dances Whoever said glitter makes everything better never had to brush it off their food. Salvador’s Shanty of Sin has tried numerous iterations of sex and sustenance, but its attempt at traditional High Tea is the hotspot’s most ambitious and unhinged yet. If only it didn’t come overly dusted with body glitter. Scarcely a month since their inadvisable and tragic dapple in an all deep-fried menu came to a screaming halt (next time, label the cooking oil and wrestling oil to avoid untold suffering,) Salvador’s is redefining what High Tea truly is. Our server, Kandy, is working her way through school — this she tells us as she begins pouring our tea. All over the table and her impossibly high heels. Once she stops swearing, she apologizes and calls

for more tea, which is delivered by Krystal, another university student according to Kandy. Given that the service is prompt and attentive, we forgive Kandy for swearing nonstop for almost five minutes. That and the fact that she didn’t repeat herself once. I don’t dare challenge her. The tea, a house blend of lapsang souchong and body glitter is perky and firm, while at the same time opens up and invites your attention, drawing your senses away from what is occurring around you. However further investigation is interrupted by Kandy and Krystal at this moment. We were about to participate in the first of our lap dances, and as we learned during last month’s fried-food incident, it’s best not to combine dancing and dining. Within minutes Kandy and Krystal finish grinding themselves on whatever bony protuberances they could find on your reviewers. We are then treated to Chef Escoffier’s second course, delicately sculpted triangles of house-cured salmon from the club’s private Scottish river. Treated with cucumber from the organic rooftop garden and a sublime homemade cream cheese, we were transported to ecstasies similar

to those of the dancers onstage. Except for the bloody glitter. What is it with the fucking glitter? Seriously. It’s fucking everywhere. I sneezed suddenly, and it looks like fucking pixie dust shot out my nostrils. I couldn’t tell whether I was dizzy with giddiness, or because shreds of glitter kindly fastened themeselves onto my eyeballs. Fuck. After three more lap dances and a near-fatal overdose of glitter, meth and a bottle of imported drain cleaner masquerading as a Pinot Grigio, we were able to enjoy our final course: steak and kidney pie. While the crust bore a passing resemblance to a pie-shaped object, we were at pains to identify which animal had given up its kidney for the meal. As for the steak, after spending 20 minutes playing ‘guess the meat’ with Kandy and Krystal, we thought it better not to ask which part of the food chain it had come from. Salvador and Chef Escoffier have done more than raise the bar of High Tea, they have taken the traditional, withheld its passport, dressed it in tearaway lingerie, coated it in body glitter and shoved it onstage. Fucking glitter. The toilet bowl still looks like I shit out a disco.



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China to build replica U.S.


section. We will pay you. Please.

The life-size U.S. will house China’s workers and factories, says a document
A mAp

China’s state government has revealed that it is in the advanced preliminary stages of building a replica United States. The project will eventually be used as a centralized industrial zone that will house China’s factories and its workers, according to

a document that the Stah found in the back of a brothel taxi in Beijing. The landmass, which will be constructed from processed industrial waste, will be placed just off of China in the Pacific Ocean. “To be honest, I can see the appeal of the Pacific as the planned site,” said geologist Robert McMil-

this is how the world will look after China builds and places its replica U.S., according to us

lan. “It’s very easy to hide things in the Pacific because nobody knows anything about it, and those who do wish they didn’t. The Pacific is a watery shit compared to the Atlantic.” There is no timeframe for when the project will be completed, but a thorough Stah investigation that involved Google and the words

“China” and “America” resulted in a page that says that most of America’s products are actually made in China. So there’s something interesting. It is not yet known how the new district, initially dubbed the “People’s Republic of Proud Labour and No Pollution, Honest” will affect the ‘Made in China’ label.

“Stop asking these stupid questions, for God’s sake,” said senior Bank of Canada foreign advisor, Mark Smith. “I’ve got work to do.” The construction comes after international pressure focused on China’s low environmental standards, the treatment of its factory workers and its subpar brothels.

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Martin Williams, 37, was buying a gourmet coffee when he realized he was holding something unfamiliar in his hands. It felt slick and rough at the same time. It felt like it had some kind of braille on it. “It felt weird,” Williams said. But most of all it felt like plastic. And like $20. Williams isn’t alone in his opinion of Canada’s newly introduced $20 bill, made from polymer — which is a fancy plastic — instead of the usual paper — which is paper. In fact, over three quarters of William’s fellow Canadians — 75.5 per cent — think that the new bill “feels weird.” That’s according to a new nationwide consumer survey carried out by the Canadian Institute of Capitalism. The survey reveals Canada’s deepest and most innermost feelings about the bill, which entered circulation in November. The revamped design, which includes the polymer consistency, holograms and a transparent window, is all part of a government effort to cut down on counterfeiting. “I can see why it’s harder to copy, but my God, it’s weird,” said bank employee Sarah Lunden, who sat at her desk fingering the bill. “It feels like the inside of a fish’s mouth.”

Oliver nippleteetH/tOrOntO StAH

A man looks through the $20 bill. He later walked into traffic like this and died.

But it’s not only the plasticity of the bill itself that has Canadians reacting to the new $20. The security features of the bill, while publicly highlighting the concern of counterfeiting, have both confused and amazed Canadians. But according to the survey, a full 95 per cent of Canadians have looked through the clear section of the bill like it’s a little window. One such person was David Burnett, 57, who this reporter found next to a Bay Street ATM — Burnett had just received his first plastic $20 bill. “This is great,” Burnett said, peering through the transparent half of the bill at passing business workers. “Look at me, I’m the Queen!”

The Queen is mentioned frequently in the survey’s results — 81 per cent of Canadians have gasped in horror at the bill’s metallic portrait of Elizabeth II, with at least 12 respondents referencing the Terminator movie series. The new bill is not the first of Canada’s money to go plastic. The $100 and $50 bills have been plastic for months, and the $10 and $5 will go through the change in the future. “We’re working on it, but for now we’re just trying to stop our lead designer from holding the $20 to his face and looking through it,” said Colin Paterson of the Canadian Mint. “At this rate, if we have the five and ten circulating before the end of 2014, I’ll eat my arse.”

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In the Toronto Stah! Imagine that! We take pride in being so cosmopolitan. S2

How to solve the NHL lockout: Cocks
This should have been settled months ago. But alas, it’s almost December, and we still have no hockey. How am I going to second-guess everything Toronto Maple Leafs’ GM Brian Burke does without a season? Never mind the small businesses in NHL cities struggling to stay afloat during the lockout, this kills me. I’ve been reduced to talking about CFL and the Blue Jays — two things I clearly don’t care or know much about. The truth is, ending this lockout is simple. Mark Recchi told me so. “These guys need to put their heads together and come out with a solution.” Great quote. See what I did here? I gave an anecdote given to me by a well-liked former player. That gives me credibility. Nevermind that Recchi is retired, and as a veteran of 22 seasons played the majority of his career in a salary cap-free league; his opinion should definitely be considered, especially since it involves the future earnings of people that aren’t him. Actually, take Ernie Romanchuk as an example. He’s 78 years old, and has huge medical bills. And since the NHL is such big business, current players and owners are responsible to make sure former NHLers like Romanchuk are taken care of. It’s clearly their responsibility, because it’s their fault that the current pension plan only gives Romanchuk $459 a month — not former owners who crushed the idea of a players union during his era, which might have created a respectable pension for him now when he needs it. You see, guys like Romanchuk, Gordie Howe and Johnny Bower (yeah, you like those name-drops too) built the league back when guys played for the love of the game. But now, selfish millionaires and billionaires who can’t split a multi-million dollar pie are neglecting them. Not only are you, the fans, suffering, but sick, old people are too. Be outraged that the players make more money than you do. But back to me. How do we end the lockout? To be honest, I have no idea. I’m no economist or lawyer, but once the lockout does in fact end, rest assured that I’ll be here to tell you how it all could have been avoided, and how I would have done a better job. Tune in next week, when I shall completely contradict what I said here.



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Hockey fans were reduced to twitching blobs of sadness as the World Junior Championships were cancelled.

World juniors are cancelled, public ordered to go cold turkey


Hockey fans received another devastating blow on Monday, when amid mounting pressure from the Surgeon General’s Office, IIHF officials cancelled this year’s World Junior Championships (WJC). The controversial move was made after Canadian doctors observed an upswing in the number of people seeking treatment for withdrawal symptoms, though most patients had no history of heavy drug use. Upon further investigation, doctors discovered that the absence of hockey for the second time in seven years was the root cause of the issue, and determined that Canadians needed intervention to kick their hockey habit. “We began to see the devastating effect the lockout has had on many

Canadians and it just got to the point where we knew many fans were not sound of mind and needed physicians to step in,” said Dr. Stephen Shutt, head of Addiction Services at St. Michael’s Hospital in Toronto. “It’s like any other addiction. We need to get people the treatment they need and try to prevent them from relapsing, so that’s why [doctors] pushed so hard to have the WJC struck from the calendar.” While doctors are staying the course when it comes to patient care, large pharmaceutical manufacturers are still struggling to find a transitional drug to help wean hockey-mad Canadians off their beloved sport. “It’s a tough process, as there really isn’t a sporting equivalent of methadone,” said Ronald Tugnutt, vice president of pharmaceutical giant

Geoffrion & Son & Son. “We’ve tried the KHL and the AHL, as well as the NHL video games so far, with no great success. Hell, we’ve even tried field hockey.” As the crisis escalates, so do the uncomfortable scenes of grown men and women wandering the city aimlessly, often with tears in their eyes and jerseys on their sunken chests. While the suffering of fans is well documented, the effect of the lockout on the broadcasters at TSN, is quite palpable. Though most employees refused to comment on the cancellation of the WJC, TSN hockey insider Bob MacKenzie could be heard weeping in the background, sharply punctuated by occasional screams of “A merciful god would never allow this!” The lockout has reached its 73rd day.




stampeders’ lucky horse disappears Argos tramp stamps, win cup

Wait, what? They actually... huh?




Add this to the Calgary Stampeders’ woes: their good-luck-charm horse, Lucky, is missing. John Hufnagel, head coach of the Stamps, told reporters outside Toronto’s Rogers Centre that before the game the team had noticed Lucky, their thoroughbred horse, was missing. “Please help us find that furry bag of love” Hufnagel begged. “He’s all we’ve got.” Quarterback Quincy Butler answered questions in a press conference shortly after their defeat. “Lucky is the staple of this team,” Butler said. “We’ve all been a mess without him. I don’t even know where I am right now.” Toronto Police Chief Phill Bowles issued a bulletin for the lovable mascot. “He is 7 feet tall, has brown hair, and he can drink like a champ,” read the bulletin. “He is also a horse.” “Finding a horse in a city will be challenging,” Bowles said. “Especially a horse that abuses as many drugs as Lucky.” Lucky was rumoured to be passed out by a fountain on the


Horses stampeding in Calgary, with some men in the background. And there’s another horse at the back!

Toronto Islands on the morning of Nov. 27 with several empties floating around him, but that was just from some dude that thinks he remembers doing blow with a horse that night. Butler decided to investigate exactly what happened to the “beautiful beast,” who has gone missing before, but usually left a helpful trail of empty cans and horse tranquilizer IV bags. “As far as I can tell on Sunday the 25th, Lucky began his evening at Jack Astors with some shooters,” Butler said. Jack Astors employee Sally

Cheeks served Lucky his first round. Cheeks said at one point Lucky sang Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” and got the whole bar in on it. “I left after he started taking belly shots off of Ted, the janitor,” Cheeks said. “Anything could have happened after that. Anything.” Lucky was then seen on Queen Street, stopping to take a shot at every bar he passed. One anonymous witness said he saw a horse going into an illegal after hours bar, but could not comment on whether the horse was on drugs or just really, really, really, really, really, really drunk. It is still unclear where he is.

After a week of celebrating the one hundredth anniversary of the biggest prize in Canadian football, the CFL had a new Grey Cup champion on Sunday, as the Toronto Argonauts ploughed the Calgary Stampeders 35-22. The Stampeders trailed by 18 after two quarters, but exerted a surge of passion after witnessing a halftime show performance by Canadian heartthrob Justin Bieber and his intrepid sidekick Carly Rae Jepsen. But despite believing in the Bieber Fever, Calgary’s come-frombehind attempt was rejected by the Argos, who still managed to win by 13 points. “We tried to approach them from a number of angles,” said Calgary head coach John Hufnagel. “But we simply couldn’t execute despite Bieber’s motivational singing and Carly’s masterful dancing.” The win capped off a season filled

with shockers for the Argos, that for whatever fucking reason were a playoff team despite finishing the season with a 9-9 record. Toronto running back Chad Kackert was named the game’s Most Valuable Player, but the California native refused to take credit for the win. “I really have to hand it to my teammates,” said Kackert. “Calgary’s D really tried to penetrate, but our tight ends got some key blocks and I was able to get some scores.” Argos defensive end Ricky Foley was named the Most Valuable Canadian. When asked whether the CFL’s need to have an additional MVP award for Canadians contradicts its goal of having people treat the league as an equal to its American counterpart, the NFL, Foley was frank. “Of course it does. What are you, stupid?”

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constantly for being so goddamn big. We need to acknowledge not only his size, but how hard of a man he is more often. Truthfully, Trudeau has the hands meant to pleasure the country out of the economic downfall, the mouth meant to tease the nation into the next political reign, and the manhood to thrust us into being the best counPETER GRASSLEY try we can be. I personally request his presence at 24 Sussex Drive so I can fuck him Ok, it’s over, I know. But even afon every available service. Wouldn’t ter accepting the loss of Mitt Romney, I must admit that he still has my love and admiration. Even if Romney is not the President of the United States of America, he’s still president of my heart. Maybe it’s his humanlike smile or non-robotic way of moving, but something about him really connected with me on a deep level. It’s possible that I didn’t even hear him speak his heartfelt and profound words, because I was too busy looking into his warm and loving eyes — eyes that would never betray me for a dollar. Never in a million years. When I saw him with his family, I really believed they were his family, you know? I never once got the feeling that they were grown in a lab out of pieces that fell off Romney during his assembly. TwIrly mcfangIrl/TOrOnTO STaH His beaming wife spoke with Justin Trudeau is so dreamy, if he doesn’t win I’ll just cry and cry. such eloquence and personality that I never once suspected her of being a giant talking potato with a fifth-grade education. While I really agreed with him on all the important issues, to me the down three flights of stairs count- most important thing to look for in Dear Stah, I’m writing to complain that your less times while battling smoke and a candidate is character. And man, Nov. 23 article “Local woman saves flames, but it is equally true that she does this guy ever have character. Nothing Romney has said or orphans from fire” neglects to in- needs to get a damn job to help pay form the reader that the “hero” Sha- for the counselling for our stupid, done would indicate that he’s an ron Epstein, also known as my wife, ugly kid — who, by the way, I’m amorphous blob of a leader who has no opinions of his own. The pretty sure is not even mine. is a complete fucking bitch. As I mentioned, he’s rather ugly, man is a well-oiled specimen, spewI’m not saying that she didn’t rescue those orphans. I’m just saying so I’m pretty sure he can’t be my ing out anything but traditional that if you want to be a respected offspring. My wife’s, sure, but mine? balderdash. publication, you should include cru- No chance. He kinda looks like my cial background information like the neighbour, Dave, now that I think “When I saw him with his fact that the bitch cheated on me, about it. family, I really believed they It may be true that the orphans were his family, you know?” wastes all my money and just generally acts like she’s queen of the god- have said she deserves a medal for her bravery, but it is equally true All in all, it’s clear he’s just a damned house all the time. To be honest, I think it’s despi- that she deserves to be sterilized to likable fellow who really gets the cable that your story focuses so prevent more of her demon-spawn American people. When I imagine meeting him, much on the details of her rescuing from ruining this fine city. It may be true that she stopped I’m sure he smells like freedom. I’d 16 orphans, and so little on the way she leaves a trail of sadness and frus- to save the orphans while she was even go so far as to say that when tration wherever she goes like some running a marathon. It may be true I do finally meet Romney, I’ll bekind of crappy, soul-destroying snail. that she still finished the marathon come a better person through his The article even fails to men- in first place before being treated sheer excellence. So during the next four years, tion that she can’t even muster up for smoke inhalation. It may be true the enthusiasm to sleep with me, that she’s been called “an inspiration while everyone is singing Obama’s praises, I’ll be imagining what life even though she’s an ugly troll that to us all.” But I assure you, it is equally could have been like under the couldn’t do any better if she paid true that she is a complete and total most charming and believable hufor it. man alive. It may be true that she ran up and bitch. ing down on you in the voting booth doesn’t swing your ballot, then you clearly aren’t a truthful voter anyway. Who can honestly say they haven’t looked at Trudeau and seen not only a perfect party leader, but also a face made to be the Prime Minister? And also a neck made to lick, suck and nibble while you swiftly undo his belt to free his most successful contribution to Canadian politics. I know it might seem like a hump into the future, but really, Trudeau is big. Really big. He makes the news

Justin Trudeau: the right man for all the jobs Romney
As a staunch and well-respected Justin Trudeau supporter, I believe it’s finally time I came forward with a full explanation as to why I think he’s the right man for the job — and what job I’m actually talking about. Sure, the man with the gorgeous face and the chiseled, Greek god-like body belongs at the head of the Liber- TRUDY al Party. But is it because he has sound SOMETHING policies? Or is it because he has an ass that deserves an entire political move- the head of the party. He is the clear choice for any decision involving ment in its honour? But really, he is the clear choice for head. And if the idea of this man go-

will always be president of my heart

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A Holiday Message

from President Sheldon Levy
As the year is drawing to a close, there is a fantastic reason for optimism and hope. All around us, we see students taking the creative lead in ways that advance inclusion and diversity, anti-bullying, and social entrepreneurship in university and community life. It is a growing part of our academic programs and research, our campus culture, and the phenomenon that people are noticing about Ryerson. It is a wave that is gaining strength among parents who see it in their children, business and industry, policy-makers and the professions, and everyone who is realizing that shifting the balance for innovation to our young people is the key to our future. It is a direction I am proud to promote, because I truly believe you not only deserve the opportunity but, when you run with it, great things happen that will change the world. At this time of year, when we think about the value of our relationships and how we are all connected, your spirit of teamwork in building a positive and thriving environment on campus, in our city and globally, is having an inspiring impact every day. Good luck on your exams and assignments, and all the very best for the holiday season.

Sheldon Levy President


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