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"The Big Bang Theory" Scene By Kathryn Paulson

Penny gives the guys Valentine’s Day cards.

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - DAY LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ, AND KOOTHRAPPALI ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM EATING. PENNY COMES THROUGH THE DOOR. PENNY (EXCITEDLY) Happy Valentine’s Day! THE GUYS GROAN. PENNY Oh, c’mon. I know Valentine’s usually sucks for guys like you, but not this year. WOLOWITZ It still kind of sucks. single is cheaper. Being

PENNY But at least none of you is alone, right? EVERYONE LOOKS AT KOOTHRAPPALI. PENNY (CONT’D) I dare you to contradict me. KOOTHRAPPALI OPENS HIS MOUTH, STOPS, AND STAYS SILENT. Good! then. PENNY No reason to be annoyed,

SHELDON We are attached to another individual. There are ample reasons to be annoyed. LEONARD I’ll be sure to tell Amy that. SHELDON Oh, she already knows. We start the day by listing the irksome things the other has already done. PENNY Just be happy you have someone, Sheldon. Trust me.

(CONTINUED)

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SHELDON My happiness is not contingent on the existence of another person, unless that person is Gene Roddenberry. LEONARD Gene Roddenberry’s dead. SHELDON And no man will ever make me as happy as he did. LEONARD I’d rephrase that if I were you. PENNY Well, I don’t care. I love Valentine’s Day, and I brought each of you a present! SHE HANDS EACH MAN AN ELEMENTARY-SCHOOL-STYLE VALENTINE’S CARD. KOOTHRAPPALI TAKES HIS WITHOUT LOOKING AT HER. SHELDON DOESN’T TAKE THE CARD, SO SHE SETS IT ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH. LEONARD (SMILING AT IT) Aw, look at that. It’s a kitty. WOLOWITZ (READING THE CARD) "You’re the cat’s meow." Well, Penny, I appreciate the gesture, and while I must say I am flattered, I do have a girlfriend. PENNY And I have a boyfriend. WOLOWITZ Well, you’re welcome to join Bernadette and me for Valentine’s Day, but Leonard can’t come. Three I can do. Four? That’s a few too many for even me to handle. LEONARD (ANNOYED) Like you’ve ever done three in your life. Bernadette probably makes two, in total.

(CONTINUED)

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WOLOWITZ I’ll have you know there may be, in fact, upwards of six. PENNY Well, get lucky with seven somewhere else. SHELDON HAS BEEN STUDYING HIS CARD AND NOW LOOKS AT PENNY INTENTLY. PENNY What is it, Sheldon? SHELDON Are you aware this cat is portrayed as a scientist? PENNY Yeah, I thought it was cute. You know, since you guys are scientists, and they have little test tubes and lab coats and... SHE TRAILS OFF AT THE LOOK ON SHELDON’S FACE. SHELDON You were incorrect. PENNY Oh boy. SHELDON How is this cat supposed to hold a test tube, much less maintain proper laboratory safety conditions? He’s not even wearing goggles. Your lack of opposable thumbs spells trouble for your scientific success, cat. Not that you can spell - I don’t know what this "purrfect chemistry" you speak of is, but it certainly isn’t referring to your expertise. PENNY GLARES AT HIM. SHELDON (CONT’D) And I am a physicist, not a chemist. Though it appears this cat is neither.

(CONTINUED)

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PENNY (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, I’m sorry. They were out of those at the store. LEONARD Somehow I doubt they carry any of Schrodinger’s cats for Valentine’s Day, Sheldon. SHELDON If you looked for them, it would change the outcome of the availability. ALL FOUR OF THE GUYS LAUGH. PENNY How do any of you have girlfriends? WOLOWITZ Dashing good looks, freaky skills in the bedroom, and a way with words. LEONARD No, that’s not it. WOLOWITZ Luck? PENNY (NODDING WITH FINALITY) Desperation. LEONARD I take offense to that. PENNY Trust me, I do too. SHELDON You know, I would have gotten you a card, but I don’t think they have waitress cats. PENNY That’s okay, Sheldon. SHELDON Or entry-level animals in general. It would be a terrible message to send on Valentine’s (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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SHELDON (cont’d) Day. "Remember how you don’t have a degree?" PENNY Really, Sheldon. It’s okay.

SHELDON "Don’t worry! I make enough money to support us both." PENNY (DELIBERATELY) Sheldon. It’s fine. SHELDON "I still love you, even though you have no marketable skills." PENNY And that’s my cue to leave. PENNY BEGINS TO EXIT. SHELDON (CALLING AFTER HER) "Happy Valentine’s Day! You can always take out a loan!" AND WE: FADE OUT.

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