This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
the car wash just finishing up and about to vacuum up my car when the hustler's head popped out of the hose and said "aw shit nigga look at yo only grain you grippin is nutri-grains" and i tried to ignore him but he "and ya head too big" i was like damn.
i was at the pharmacy with my gf we were buying condoms and i took a box off the shelf and the ultimate hustlers head was behind it and he said "shit son i saw yo shoes hangin off a powerline" i just kind of smiled and then he said "and yo girls titties look like bisquick" i was like damn. I was in the library getting some sex manuals with my gf and the ultimate hustler pushes some books through from the other side of the shelf and shouts "them books been fingered less times than yo' bitch have" and we tried to ignore him and leave but he popped out of the book return box and shouted "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I have some social issues" i was in the desert once walking thousands of miles to find an ancient prophet and all of the sudden the ultimate hustler comes out behind a cactus and is like "nigga yo sandals look like three strips of bacon strapped to a beef patty" and i fell to my knees and then he says "and i heard that ancient prophet's girl been fuckin wit a crackhead behind the super 10" and i heard the ancient prophet scream from 1300 miles away one day i was in the bank standing in line when a bank robber came in and started to rob the bank and when the teller opened the drawer the ultimate hustler popped out and said to the robber "damn yo ski mask look like it got fake dreds and a chin strap" and the bank robber shot himself and everyone applauded the ultimate hustler until he turned around and said "yall checks is so small you cant afford a jumbo potato wedges at KFC" and everyone was like damn the other day me and my crew were at biggie's grave leavin some flowers when all of a sudden the ultimate hustler busted up out the ground and said "this is a strange place for yall to be holdin a scrubs anonymous meeting" and we played it off but then he said "i just busted up out the ground and i still be cleaner than you bustas" and me and my crew were like damn. i was sitting in the left field stands watching the baseball game and somebody hit a homerun right to me and just about when i was gonna catch the ball the ultimate hustler appeared on the ball and said "nigga the only thing you could catch is vd from that stanky ass ho of yours" and the ball bounced off my head and landed two rows in front of me and i was like damn a long long time ago in a galaxy far away i was chillin on the bridge of the death star when to my surprise the ultimate hustler pops up out an x-wing and yells "yo face be so black and plasticky i could play madden on it" and i was stunned but then he said "i am your father.... psyche nobody knows who yo daddy is" as i dropped to my knees last month i was at the zoo with my gf and we were in the primate house when all of a sudden the ultimate hustler swoops in and turns on a smoke machine and says "yo check it out, gorillas in the mist" and i was like damn. but then he was like "no but seriously though you better lock ya girl up or tonight i'm gonna be gibbon her the business" and before i could tell him to stop his hurtful wordplay, he grabbed onto a vine and swung away i was on my flight from dulles to jfk this past week with my gal and i was just sittin back enjoyin some peanuts (what the deal???) when i hear the familiar voice of the ultimate hustler come over the intercom and he says "attention passengers
y'all betta have your barf bags on hand because, you see my man in seat 7E there? well his woman just went to the bathroom and when that ho walk back down the aisle ya might feel some turbulence in ya guts" and i checked my seat number and was like damn. i was down at the dealership the other day lookin for a new whip and i decided on this nice red candy-paint mustang so i'm lookin at it and all of a sudden the ultimate hustler pops up out the trunk and shouts "nigga i seen yo gal and if you lookin to buy this ride you best have a good shovel to scoop her ass out the bucket seat." i was like "damn i'll take an f-150" and then the ultimate hustler said "better make it 2" i was prancin around my playhouse when i decided to ask jambi a question, but when i opened up the box the ultimate hustler was in there instead. "you'd better mecca-lecca hide that ho you was with outside the safeway. even cowboy curtis wouldnt wanna tie that hog!" i was like damn, and everyone screamed because "damn" was the secret word. i was at 7-11 with my gf and the ultimate hustler comes out of the cashier's turban and is like "yo homie yo girl about to get her third big gulp today, cept this time she be paying for it." I started choking on my pizza taqito and collapsed into the dorito shelves. then he was like "also yo face look like the complimentary chili got left in the sun" and i was like damn. Me and my gf were browsing the latest Home theater sets in Best BUy when suddenly the ultimate hustler flies out from a nearby speaker and shouts 'nigga youre so poor your tv dinner tray is your good china' and i fell back aghast then he looked right at me and said 'plus yo mouth so enormous you speak in Dolby Surround Sound' and i was like ddddddaaaaaammmmmmmnnnnnnn once at the county fair i was eatin a corndog and playing some ring toss when The Ultimate Hustler's head popped out of one of the bottles and said "the only rings you be tossin is onion rings" i was flustered but tried focusing on the game but he said "and yo face so ugly you put the freakshow out of business" and i was like "damn" i walked into the bank the other day and the ultimate hustler popped out from behind a plant and said "boy you so ugly the security done turned off the surveillence cameras" and i was like fukkkkkk i was enjoying a quiet meal by myself when the ultimate hustler kicked down the door, walked up to my table and stared me in the eye and said "you so lonely, you see less action than a blind man at an IMAX" and i started feeling pretty dizzy. he then said "and yo' mailman knows about them condom product samples and that you aint seein' no girl" and i just threw up on the floor and blacked out i took my girlfriend to a nice restaurant the other day and the ultimate hustler popped out from under the table and said "boy you so ugly the waiter gonna give YOU a tip if you tie your napkin over your face" and i kinda clenched my fist but said nothing and then he said "and your woman's crotch smell like last week's seafood platter" and i was like damn. well i was at the post office the other day minding my own business and the ultimate hustler popped out of a mail cart and said "hey boy you so ugly you push yo face into dough to make gorilla cookies" and of course i just tried walking away but the cart followed me and the huster said "you so ugly yo momma had to be crunck as fuck to breast feed yo ass" and i just hit the door embarrassed as hell, not able to look at myself the same way ever again
i was contributing to the collection plate at church when the ultimate hustler popped out from behind a pew and said "god don't want your old baby ruth wrappers, you poor ass chocoholic" and i just sat there with my mouth open, then he turned to the reverend and said "and yo' monsignor look more like a monsenorita" and i started crying I was sitting in Philosophy class and the ultimate hustler popped out of a collection of Camus' fiction and said "bitch the only stranger you know is when you be sittin on yo hand before jerkin off at night" and i tried to keep my composure, but then he appeared out of the aether and said "you breath so bad bitches be callin you the plauge" and i was like damn. after philosophy i went to my next class psychology, glad to have escaped the ultimate hustler. but as soon as i sat down he amassed in the collective unconscious and said "freud be sayin e'eyone wants to fuck they mother, but most of em just fuck yours instead" and i blacked out but he popped into my dream as an archetype and said "you so repulsive to girls even yo anima want nothin to do wit you" and i was like goddamn i was browsing the folklore section of the bookstore the other day when the ultimate hustler pops out of a copy of struwwelpeter and says "damn son there a story in here bout you called 'the sucka who couldn't get it up never, talkin his dick floppin round like a stank-ass fish all the damn time'" and i was about to console myself with a copy of joseph campbell when he threw the brothers grimm at me and said "plus yo face look like baba yaga's taint" and i was like "damn" i was sittin down at the double arches, gettin my mack and my mac on, when the ultimate hustler came out from behind the counter an sayed "you lookin for a job application cause you got enough grease to keep this joint rollin 24 7" so i nonchalantly reach for a napkin and stares me down and says "tell yo girl i heard they puttin slimfast on the dollar menu" and she stumbled into the bathroom visibly shaken while i rushed out the door with the napkin dispenser I was leading my army of 300 foot soldiers into battle against the Persian army when the ultimate hustler pops out from behidn a rock and yells 'nigga when yo girl's around you always be fighting in the shade' and as i fell back defeated I heard 'Better bring her too because she always be preparing to dine somewhere' as i threw myself into the city well i was catching up on some canterbury tales during a break in my basketball game and the ultimate hustler rappelled down from the ceiling and said "yo they call you 'middling english' because when you try to put english on the ball you goddamn mediocre at it" and i didn't respond because i was still trying to figure out the insult and then he took the book from me and made a slam dunk with it and said "you eat more ass than in the miller's tale, son" and said "damn? i guess?" i was sailing to the new world when the ultimate hustler popped out from behind the tiller and said "shit man yo mamma so fat you should dump the boat and throw a mizzenmast on her" and i sputtered a little bit but then he whispered in my ear "and i just got damn cleanin yo girl's poop deck" and i blacked out and enslaved half of africa. i was perusing the deli aisle at the grocery store when out of the corner of my eye i thought i saw a purple cape leaping from shelf to shelf. my last encounter with the ultimate hustler was fresh in my memory so i turned and ran towards the automatic exit doors, prepared to push in case of emergency. but the ultimate hustler was too quick, he caught me as i was rounding the corner: "yo too bad
them doors aint open as automatic as yo girls drawers" i dropped the bag of muenster cheese that i was about to buy, and the ultimate hustler said "nigga you aint need that on account of the monster cheese i saw last time yo girls drawers flew open" i opened the gallon of milk i was carrying and poured it all over my head because damn. it was a stormy night and i was 50 miles out to sea, lobster season was at its peak. suddenly a strong gale brought the ultimate hustler aboard my ship, whereupon he said "nigga the only thing blowin harder than this wind is yo girl." his insult stung even harder than the bitter wind on my face, but i tried to ignore him, and hauled up my net. "aww shit nigga you still catchin crabs even when you a million miles away from that ho" i threw myself overboard immediately because DAMN -----------------------------I was in orchestra practice, playing my part on my Clarinet (Bb), and as I was following the score, I noticed that one bar had the command to play in a hustling fashion. Well, I ended up playing that bar, but to my surprise, no music came out, only a single feather. I recognised this feather, but where... yes! I had seen it before! I remember a man following me, heckling me. He walked with this perculiar hat, one bearing the very sameMy thoughts were interrupted, for the conducter- who curiously, had had his back to us until now, swayed his cape around in a quick turn and revealed his faceOh my god. No. 'Nigga the way yo blow that, I can tell that yo cocksucking skills come straight from yo momma' NO. 'Which is no surprise yo 'cause her chest B Flat as well' NO!!! 'Tho nigga, yo inotation so bad yo make it seem like yo greasy farts is musical' Damn. ------------------------------i was leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that my next leap would be the leap home, when i leapt into an ill-furnished, wood-paneled basement apartment in crenshaw, california. i looked in the mirror, only to find that i had in fact leapt into the consciousness of luddy! no sooner could i express my shock than the ultimate hustler hologrammatically projected himself before me and mused, "nigga, yo aura lookin like cookie monster's pubes" and i was taken aback but then, before vanishing, he followed up with, "and yo chest hair so nappy shit look like taco meat" and i was like "oh boy" i was snuggled up with my boo, enjoying a new episode of nbc's heroes, when the show took a commercial break. i was just about to get up from the couch to get a refill of my mountain dew baja blast when a promo for the local news came on.
imagine my surprise when the ultimate hustler, wearing a velour suit, appeared instead of the usual news anchor. he began: "area busta's girl's teeth so messed up, she get arrested at the food lion under suspicion of smuggling out creamed corn in she mouth" and i scrambled for the remote, but not before he followed with, "story never, cause aint nobody wanna see that stankass ho on they screen" and my entertainment center collapsed into a pile of rubble i was playing a game of freecell and decided to open winamp; however, rather than the familiar hourglass i was expecting, my cursor turned into the ultimate hustler's head! fearing the worst, i tried to move the cursor to the bottom of the screen, but the ultimate hustler was too quick: "nigga, yo desktop background lookin like the dumpster behind the anime factory" and my face turned beet red and then he was like "and yo c: drive almost as fragmented as yo mom's grill" and i was like ctrl+alt+del i was chillin outside my spaceship and decided i wanted to come back in. i asked my on-board computer, UH 9000, to open the pod bay doors, so imagine my surprise when he came back with "i'm afraid i can't do that, dave." i asked him what the problem was, and he was like "cuz rosa still tryin to scrub yo jheri curl and cheetos stank up out my motherboard" and i grew concerned, but then he said "shit son, you gonna be the first fetal alcohol syndrome space baby i ever seen" and i just sputtered off into space like a deflating balloon because damn i was at chuck e. cheese with my nephew and he wanted to play whack-a-mole. we put in a token, but i was startled to see the ultimate hustler's head pop out of one of the holes. i bopped him before he could say anything, but then he kept coming out of more holes. i dropped the hammer and covered my nephew's ears, but i'm pretty sure he heard the ultimate hustler say "too bad you caint swing that hammer for shit, on account of ya momma used up all the swinging genes in yo family." i found myself speechless as he continued, "shit, i seen that ho on grannygummers.com, and her lower back tattoo done drooped down to her ankles," and my nephew's crying face was the last thing i saw before i fainted into the ball pit i was pining away at the ivory women i had carved, truly the paragon of feminine beauty. venus took pity on me, and i was overcome with joy as i watched the statue soften and become human. but my delight turned to horror as the transformation continued. my beloved's golden tresses coiled and darkened; her pearl-white teeth turned to gold; her supple breasts shriveled and were soon covered with a velour topcoat. i looked upon my final creation: the ultimate hustler. he began to speak: "nigga, you put the pig in pygmalion." my spirits continued to darken as he said, "and why you always touchin me with them raggedy-ass hands? you rub them shits together and you gonna end up wit so much nasty dead skin, it look like somebody lit one of them black snake fireworks in ya hands." i fell to knees in lamentation and cursed the gods. already afraid of flying, i was on edge as my flight from compton to staten island leveled off at 20,000 feet. i looked out the window and was paralyzed with fear; the ultimate hustler was on the wing! i tried to reason with him, but he just said, "damn, i guess this the seat you get when you pay for ya plane ticket with food stamps. i ain't even know they let you fly in the boiler room." i was horrified as he began to tear at the inner workings of the wing. "yeah son, i'mma take this plane more off-course than yo girl's lazy eye." i ran to the cockpit and brought the plane into a nosedive because damn. i was sitting in the cave, watching shadows flutter across the wall when a shape emerged from the fiery embers, dark and foreboding, "bitch you consciousness so limited the distance between your perception and the ideal is almost as big as the
gap in ya mamas teeth" i strained to turn and face the man instead of observing his dancing silhouette when he continued, "and the information delivered to your mind from your senses is almost as false as the bitches hair color" and i conceived a platonic model of stupefaction and awe which translated through my speech into "damn" Preparing to cleanse the mosque of the Sunni infidels, I tightened my C-4 vest. I awaited the call to prayer, but the sweet shahada of the muezzin was replaced by the cackle of a man in silks and gold from the East. From the minaret he yelled, "Bismallah ar-rahman ar-raheem, I testify that they no busta like this busta right here. ya'll look like grizzly adams cooked too long." I was stricken ill by this comment, and reached for some nearby dates from a date tree to ease my stomach. "Look at this fool eatin his cracka jacks in his cracka jacket. yall look like the cookie monster in a old navy vest." I was incensed at and pressed the detonation button on the remote. The last thing I heard in life was "Ya'll get the WB on that" and I awoke in a land of pure white. I looked around to find my 72 virgins, but I saw that they were surrounding that man dressed of the East, feeding him milk and honey! "Those are my virgins!" I exclaimed, and the women giggled. "The only virgin round here now is you son," said the man. I fell to my knees. "and yall got a hole in your chest" and I was like damn. ------------------------SING TO ME MUSE, OF VELOUR AND THE MAN the dooming sting of the slams that ruined so many the chumps and the bustas hurled headlong into gloom to sip bitter cola with the sluts and kinky-haired hoes, dollar store shit, not even brand-name; thus was the will of Zeus. Begin with the wit of that lord-the Ultimate Hustler who descended like night upon the bright shores of unfortunate Troy where the Achaeans all camped. As the sun in his splendor, spangles his rays upon the folds of the sea when the day is just dawning so too was the light that came from the mouth of that merciless pimp, for nigga he had hella fine platinum up in his grill. And seeing the masses of Grecians, a full generation set for ten years in grim siege on the sand the Hustler rattled his cane, a thunderous funk and made known his will. "Well well well guess now be a good time to buy stock in coconut oil and cock rings since y�all look like you ready to storm Fire Island and start a pride parade. First time I seen a fleet of ships using they momma�s dirty drawers as sails. That ain�t no Mycenaean insignia, that just where she couldn�t reach around ta wipe. An do I see Odysseus sticking gettin rutty with that handmaid? Ima call Ithaca, tell em they all need to file a missin bustas report.� All through the camp, men fell transfixed laid out by the insults that poured like hard rain upon the wearied and weak. It seemed as a plague that ran through the ranks, a vast rippling breath like when the wind, blown black in the dusk touches the grain and withers the stalks
and the farmers they gather what once was fine crop and set it to torch to weep at the flames. Mighty Achilles, a lion in temper, stepped onto the shore from his proud flanks flashed fierce indignation at the Ultimate Hustler, the man like dark wine all richly attired. When kings go out hunting, they bring with them dogs, tightly-haunched hounds with foam on their teeth. The pack is arrayed, and now catches the scent of a rabbit or stag and strains at the leash, their limbs at the ready, their eyes full of death, and finally their master loosens the rein so was the wrath of Achilles that long had lain quiet, now aimed at the Hustler and hot for its prey. �Whether you be a dark Ethiopian far from your home or else a sunburnt man from a sunburnt land, Achilles cares not. You now forfeit your life.� So said Achilles, and drew forth his spear, the heft on his shoulder the point all of bronze and, taking his aim, hurled it full force like a bolt from Olympus. But Mandingo was watching, god of the Dozens, and turned it astray. All there assembled, Achaean and Trojan, saw Achilles� first failure and soon wicked Rumor, with her venom and bile, started to whisper that ain�t nobody choked that bad since yo momma try deepthroating a Titan. The Hustler boomed out his mirth. �Next time you wanna give me yo shaft, make believe I�m Patroclus� stankhole and there ain�t no way you missin. Oh I forgot, Hector currently using that bitch as a hood ornament. Take him down to the kennels, he metamorphose into kibbles and bits. That nigga, he dead. And what up with that armor? Shit�s tacky. Bet that breastplate come with a horn play �Lowrider� when you goosesteppin through the ranks. Ain�t it bad enough you got grease face? Been, what, twenty years since yo momma dip you in tha Styx, and the Hades EPA still tryin to clean the oil slick, declaring it unfit for animal habitation. My nigga Charon spark up a fatty, throw the match overboard, shit goes up like Mt Etna.� Mighty Achilles groaned like the ocean, let fall his arms to the ash at his feet. Betaken by sorrow, he sought out his tent and the drowse of his harem where black-visaged grief crept from the shadows. Like the waxes of Hybla it muzzled his mind, stopped up his ears, made deaf his heart to all the sweet pleas of men and immortals. Just at that moment, the figure of Helen, awake in the city, appeared on the walls. King Menelaos, the chariot driver, gnashed all his teeth and raged at the day she was promised as prize to craven Prince Paris and doomed distant Troy. She was spied by the Hustler. �Shit, ain�t it the daughter of Leda and a swan.
Bitch squirt up a douche, get a bowful of duck soup. That the face launched a thousand ships? They all musta gone looking for that most mythical of treasures, cure for dick blisters. Only time the topless towers of Ilium get burned is when they go take a leak, get funky discharge look like something Cerberus leave on yo carpet. Bitch been ploughed more times than the winedark sea. Yeah I droppin some poetical shit here. Fuck ya if ya hatin. Everyone heard Helen so tough and hangly down there, she legally obligated to have the Arby�s logo tattooed on her snatch. Priam still around? Get him out here. That nigga so old, last time he manage to pop wood, Pandora�s box just got some peach fuzz and Priapus� balls ain�t even drop yet. This some brokedown city y�all got here. Couple thousand years, Heinreich Schliemann dig this place up, wonder what the hell the luddy convention was doin in town. All looking like somebody built a group home for Cyclops crackheads.� His counsel at end, the Hustler arose and took to the air in the form of a bird, feathers jet-black, leaving all stunned. Sometime a hunter when the race has been run surveys the beast his arrows brought low, admires the flank and the struggling faint breaths, and though its life is near gone strings one last shaft to take cold delight in an unneeded wound. So now the Hustler, in no haste to leave, flung finally a barb down into the field. �First I thought that wicker tinker toy was the Trojan Horse, but now y�all inside it, I see it just a raggedy-assed fruit basket. And yo toga look like a dishrag.� Tearing her hair, Queen Hecuba led her waxen-faced ladies in an ebon procession to Athena�s white temple, hoping the goddess would pity their plight, grant Troy gray-eyed mercy. Greeks and Dardanians, all there assembled, hearing the wail added their voices to the keening and crying and it is said that even Olympus covered its face for the great lamentation: �Damn.�