It Probably Won't Kill You...

By 

Iyan Igma
(With a Little Help from Mommy)

RecIPes for suicidal
and less sophisticated
palates

Copyright 2009 by Iyan Igma
1st Edition
Published by Iyan Igma via Lulu.com.
The text of this work is licensed under the Creative
Commons
Attribution-Noncommercial-No
Derivative
Works 3.0 United States License. To view a copy of this
license, visit
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by­nc­nd/3.0/us/
or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second
Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105,
USA.
In a nutshell, you are allowed to make copies and
distribute it as long as it is not altered or done for
commercial use, and as long as you give me credit.
Consult the license for further details.
All images are either public domain or shared under
Creative Commons Licenses, see “Credits” for more
details.
Please note that this is a work of fiction. Any similarities
to actual recipes or food is entirely coincidental, unless
otherwise noted.
Iyan Igma can be contacted through one of the following
ways:
●http://stores.lulu.com/iyanigma
●www.iyanigma.com

Dedicated to Peanut Butter, for helping
me make it through all of those chickenfilled years. Without you, I do not know
where I would be.
Special Acknowledgments:
My mom, who cooked for me, let me tinker in
the kitchen from an early age, and passed
most of the recipes down to me.
My Great-Granny, the best chef to ever walk
on two legs and beat kids out of a kitchen with
a wooden spoon. My how she could make
wonders out of lard and bacon grease!
The various photographers credited at the end
who have enabled me to post such warm and
fuzzy pictures. I no longer make these recipes
because my diet has changed. I don't even
have a stove anymore.

Slap Yore Mamma Good

5

10

15

20

25

The sexiest woman I e'er saw
Could cook just like my great-grandma.
Her biscuits were so flaky and round
That I ate butter by the pound.
Her steaks, pork chops, gravy, collard greens,
Pot roasts, pies, cobblers, lima beans,
Mashed potatoes, field peas, and cornbread
Are worth slapping yore momma dead
Over if she reached for the last bite.
A good supper's heaven at night.
Since I knew that there'd be no neglect,
This culinarily perfect
Gal easily won my stomach's love.
It's a shame I can just dream of
Finding a young woman with such skills—
Whose cooking neither maims nor kills.
Show me a woman my age who cooks
And frets not over plastic looks.
As I thought, she's nowhere to be found,
And so true love won't be around.
High and vain grapes surely lose the fox;
Love's recipe is not on a box.
Such savages can't access the heart;
Thus marriage is doomed from the start,
Since the stomach is the route to take
If a man's love you wish to wake.
From The Dementia of Iyan Igma.

It Probably Won't Kill You....

Table of Contents
Appetizers.........................................................................7
Alligator-Style Carne Asada.............................................9
Fireball........................................................................11
Pulled Pork Barrel Politicians..........................................13
Necrophilic Rhapsody....................................................16
Hobo Dinners...............................................................19
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!................................................20
Thanksgiving Dinner.....................................................23
Cosa Nostra Pork Chops................................................25
Grandma Burgers.........................................................27
That's Not Cornbread....................................................29
SSI.............................................................................31
Diabetic Coma-Inducing Rice Milk...................................33
First Date Fried Chicken.................................................35
Low-Cholesterol Eggs....................................................38
Irish Enchiladas............................................................40
Celibacy......................................................................42
Entrees...........................................................................43
Linus's Revenge............................................................44
G. W. Carver's Gift to Mankind.......................................46

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The Cure for the Munchies.............................................48
Rabbit Pellets...............................................................50
Methylene Surprise.......................................................52
Hell.............................................................................54
Mixer-Killer..................................................................56
Snooty Desserts...........................................................58
Tell Them It's Chocolate Delight.....................................60
Pee Can Pie..................................................................62
A Felon's Nightmare......................................................64
It's Magic.....................................................................66
Delicious Dough............................................................68
When You're Just Too Lazy to Bake.................................69
Credits............................................................................70
Tell Me More About This Mystic Chef...................................73

6

Appetizers

Iyan Igma

Nothing says "I've died and gone to heaven" quite like Carne Asada,
a Mexican grilled meat. Serve it warm, thinly sliced in burritos or
tacos.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Alligator-Style Carne Asada
Few things scream delicious in this life like a piece of juicy
meat that falls apart in your mouth. Just ask any alligator. They let
theirs sit in their wallows for a few weeks, marinating in rancid juices.
This recipe will add that same tender rancidity to a Mexican favourite:
Carne Asada.

1
2
1
3
1
1

What You Will Need

wallow, without gator
pounds carne asada meat
half-gallon orange juice
cloves garlic, minced
tablespoon salt
teaspoon cumin

Okay, So What Do I Once I Get Rid of the Gator?
Swim underneath the bank with the meat in your mouth. Deposit
it somewhere it won't float away. Leave it there for about two weeks, or
until it becomes so rancid it easily falls apart in your mouth.
If you are impatient, or if you've been unable to shoo the alligator
out of the nearest wallow, you can put the meat in the bottom of a large,
sealable container that you don't mind cleaning. Prick the meat lightly
with a fork. Pour enough orange juice over the meat to completely cover.
Drink the rest straight from the carton. Then, add in garlic, salt, and
cumin. Let it marinate for two hours.
Cook over medium-high heat on a grill for 6-10 minutes, flipping
once, until you're satisfied it's no longer alive. Serve with all the fixings.
Feel free to tear it apart with your teeth like a good carnivore. It is
especially good sliced and served inside of warm flour tortillas with salsa
such as Fireball (recipe follows.)

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Iyan Igma

Chili Habanero: The only thing scarier than those green face
masks that women wear at night...

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Fireball
If you've always wondered what you're friends mean when
they talk about heartburn, and if you think you're a real man, then you
should try this simple salsa. I prefer it raw, but you can grill the
peppers to intensify the flavour.

7
7
1
1
1

What You Will Need To Wish You Were Dead

habaneros
jalapeños
tomatillo
dash of salt
Priest to give your Last Rites

Don't Do It. It's a Trick!
Blend everything together. Eat with a spoon, serve with fresh
tortillas with salt, or on top of meals like carne asada. Cry like a little girl.
Consume massive amounts of bread and water afterwards.

Warning: It burns coming and going...
Do not touch your eyes after touching hot peppers.
However, it's okay to touch your friend's eyes afterwards,
especially if they are sleeping.
While still on the topic of things that will make you cry,
remember to cut your onions under water, or keep
Visine handy. Visine is actually very useful in the
kitchen, because it makes a really great prank to play
on someone who likes to drink milk. Remember...just
one drop, and they'll think they had the stomach virus
of the year. Visine would almost certainly do the same
in horchata, too, so be sure to check out that recipe.

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Iyan Igma

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It Probably Won't Kill You....
Pulled Pork Barrel Politicians
Pork-Barrel Politicians, the other white meat. When fixed just
right, nothing tastes better. Some are a little more gristly or lean than
others, but in a pinch, most legislators will do.

What You Will Need

1
3
¾
½
2
4
½
2
1
3
1
1

TV or Internet
Sexy voice
Chloroform
Heavy cleaver
Legislator
Very large pot
quart water
pounds of pork-barrel politician roast
cup white vinegar
cup brown sugar
onions, chopped
garlic cloves, chopped
cup ketchup
tablespoons mustard
tablespoon paprika
teaspoons lemon juice
teaspoon chili powder
teaspoon salt

So, I'm Ready for Supper; Now What?
Research online to find out who is the porkiest, or scout out
dinner on C-SPAN. Then, when you have chosen your candidate, pose
as a lobbyist or a call girl. When you meet, use a little chloroform over
their nose and mouth. That way they are relaxed; tense muscles don't
taste quite as good.
When you have a good three pounds and all the fat trimmed off,
(which is ironic, since they could never do the same,) set it in a pot.
Put vinegar, brown sugar, onions, garlic, ketchup, mustard,
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Iyan Igma
paprika, lemon juice, chili powder, and salt in a blender. Let the blades
do their magic. Pour the sauce over the meat. Add 1 quart of water.
Bring to a boil, then simmer for 2 to 2½ hours, stirring and
turning frequently. The meat will be done when you can easily pull it
apart with two forks.
Cut off the heat, and remove the meat. It's time to pull it apart to
your heart's content. Just think about wasted tax money. In no time flat
you'll have a heap of shredded meat.
Warm your sauce back up, letting plenty of that water evaporate,
th

and/or scoop out at least ¼ of it. When it's thick enough for your taste,
put the shredded meat back in, and serve on buns with your choice of
soul food.
If you're really lazy, you can just buy regular pork or turkey ham
to boil. You can also just use store-bought barbecue sauce to soak your
meat in after you boil it and shred it. It really just depends on how much
of your money your legislator has wasted.

If you like the smell of coffee, but do
not like to drink it or have no
percolator, there is still a way to get
that aroma to fill your house. Get out
a potato, poke it with holes using a
fork, wrap it in tin foil, and bake for
10 hours while you cook a supper
like this in your Crockpot and leave
home for work.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Cube steak,
all fatty and fried,
tastes might pretty
when it's inside.

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Iyan Igma

Necrophilic Rhapsody
Deep inside of you there is a monster. No, I'm not referring to
your stomach. You know what I'm talking about. Your love of going
into graveyards and digging up the freshly interred. But I can't say
that I blame you. They make wonderful cube steak, especially when
fixed the old-fashioned, unhealthy way.

1
1
1
1
1
1
1
8
1
¾
¼
¼
1
1

What You Will Need

latest obituary column
map of local cemeteries
lantern
good shovel, preferably round blade
good quality axe
sharp kitchen knife
cooler
good slices of haunch meat, about ¼ pound each
meat tenderizer
cup all-purpose flour
teaspoon lemon pepper
teaspoon salt
cup buttermilk
cup crushed saltines
cup lard, since it tastes better than veggie oil

How To Make Your Momma Proud
Having found a juicy corpse in the obituaries, use a map to get
directions to the cemetery. Google Maps normally excels in this. Take
your shovel, lantern, knife, and cooler out to the grave site. Turn your
MP3 player on to some really eerie music, and start digging.
When you hit the lid of the coffin, scrape the dirt away with your
hands. Then, use the axe to burst through the lid. Check for cool trinkets
that the family left behind. Next, remove burial clothes, and let your knife
do its job. Then, load up everything in the cooler and head on back to the
kitchen.*

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It Probably Won't Kill You....
Back in the kitchen, tenderize your meat. If you've never done
this before, it means you hit it with a meat tenderizer—the really freaky
metal hammer with spikes that you used to get spanked with. Try not to
smash your fingers in the process; it hurts.
Now, break out three bowls. Put the flour, lemon pepper, and salt
into one. Mix. Put the buttermilk in the other. Yes, you guessed right; put
the saltine cracker crumbs into the third. Now, take a steak and put it into
the flour, coating both sides. Then, dip it into the buttermilk. Finally, let it
rest in peace in the saltines, at least until you press them firmly into the
meat so that they will stick. Repeat the process with each steak.
Melt your lard in a pan over medium-high heat. Then, cook the
steaks for 3 to 5 minutes on each side, until cooked through and brown.
If you're really enterprising, which is dubious after you just dug
up a corpse and cooked it, you can make gravy by getting rid of most of
the grease and adding a cup of milk and a can of cream of mushroom
soup. You'd want to stir it until it boiled, then coat your steaks with it. It's
not half bad, really.
*I recommend bringing a portable camp stove to the site and fixing
everything right there, that way if you're extry special hungry, you can
prepare more on the spot. If, however, you are fixing this meal for a
date with a weak stomach, you might want to stick with your kitchen.
It's best she not know what she is eating. Just tell her it's cube steak.
She won't be able to tell the difference.

Kitchen Hint: If you want to clog your sink, then the next time you
cook something really greasy, drain all of the grease down the sink.
Keep on doing that and, voilá, you'll be the proud owner of a
clogged sink and the envy of your neighbours.

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Iyan Igma

Hobo dinners are whatever you make of them, though you can
usually count on them being slightly burnt and having a little bit of
dirt inside...

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Hobo Dinners
This is one of the most classic camp out dinners ever. It is
really easy to fix, since most of the time if you camp near railroad
tracks a hobo will wander into camp just in time for the coals to get
warm enough. Have your 2x4” or baseball bat handy to knock him
unconscious with.

What You Need:
1
1
1
1
As

2x4” or baseball bat
machete or camp saw
meat grinder
lean hobo, made into ¼ to ½ pound patties*
Cheese
much chopped vegetables like carrots, onions,
squash, and potatoes as you can stand.
Corn works, too.
Heavy Duty tin foil
Salt and pepper to taste
Shovel (for burial and retrieval of food from fire)
Spork or foon

I've Clobbered Him; Now What?
Cut out meat and grind, though you can make steaks or strips if
you prefer. Put hobo patty in the middle of an 8x12” sheet of tin foil. Lick
your fingers; don't worry about washing hands. You're a cannibal for
crying out loud! Add veggies and cheese, if you feel so inclined. Make
sure you can wrap it at least twice in the tin foil.
Cook on the piping hot embers of the fire for 15 minutes. Flip
with shovel or something with a long enough handle to ensure that your
eyebrows don't get singed off. Cook for another 15 minutes, or so. Take
out and enjoy, unless you put it over cold coals. Then, you'll have to cook
it a little longer.
*If you can't find a hobo, then ground beef or turkey works just fine.

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Iyan Igma

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!
Chances are, if you're a liar, then your pants are on fire. And if
your pants are on fire, then your biscuits are burning. Now, in most
cases that would not be such a waste, since, let's face it, made-froma-can biscuits (also known as “Whop Biscuits,) aren't all that great. So,
burned or not, they'll still be garbage.
But, if you can promise me that you won't let them burn, I'll
share with you the recipe for the best buttermilk biscuits ever tasted
by gods or mortals. These biscuits actually attracted people from all
over the world (really.) So, if you are reading this in an outhouse, be
sure not to recycle this page. Tear it out immediately, frame it, and
hang it next to the picture of your mother kissing the Pope. That's
right, it's my granny's biscuits.

1
1
2
¾
¼
¼

What You Will Need to Attempt to Pull off Perfection
Hog, butchered
Rolling pin, or a glass coated in flour
cups self-rising flour
cup buttermilk
cup lard
cup 10X powdered sugar (confectioner sugar)

And Then?
Scrape the lard off of a freshly butchered hog. Set hog aside to
make salt back, etc. Sift the flour into a mixing bowl. Add powdered
sugar. Mix lard into flour with a fork. When the lard is pretty well mixed in,
make a well in the flour. That is to say, scoop the flour out of the middle
so that there's a hole.
Pour the buttermilk into the well. Mix together with a spoon until
it's fairly consistent. Then, knead with your fingers briefly and gently. Eat
the dough that gets stuck on your knuckles and fingers.
Clear a clean surface, say your kitchen counter. Sprinkle a little
bit of flour out, and put the mass of dough out. Roll out the dough until it's
about ½ inch thick. Use a ruler to check.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....
Then, if you're using the glass, you can use the end to cut out
the biscuits. Otherwise, use a biscuit or cookie cutter. Give loose ends to
the screaming kids pulling at your apron and pants legs.
Use a little lard to grease a baking sheet. Put biscuits on it,
spacing out slightly. Bake at 450°F for 12 minutes, or until lightly brown.
While waiting for them to rise, try not to open the oven repeatedly.
Instead, sift the flour mixture that's left in the mixing bowl; give
doughboys to kids.
Serves great with butter, cane syrup, or jams, especially kiwi or
strawberry. Great when dipped in eggs and fried. Delicious in sausage
gravy. Make excellent concealed weapons when burnt.
Yield: 12-15 if you do it right

21

Iyan Igma

Thanksgiving just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without
cornbread dressing

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Thanksgiving Dinner
Why waste hours cooking a dry turkey and baking pies? Why
miss the parades and games? Cranberry sauce and sweet potato
casserole are way too overrated. If you want to have that perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner, you know, the one where you can relax and do
as little as possible, just make cornbread dressing. That's all you really
need.

What You Will Need:
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
¼
4
¾
½
½
2
1

television
couch
beer hat
foot massager
TV Dinner Tray
large wooden spoon to beat your kids off with
package cornbread mix (and whatever it calls for)
cup chopped onion
slices stale bread, torn in pieces
cup butter, melted
cup hot water
teaspoon sage
cans chicken broth
teaspoon poultry seasoning
Salt and pepper to taste (that means a lot!)

How to Simplify Your Thanksgiving Day So You Can Really
Be Thankful About Something, Since Your Life Stinks and
Obviously Won't Be Getting Any Better Any Time Soon...
Make a pan of cornbread according to directions on package.
Tear the cornbread into small pieces. Try not to eat too much of it before
you make it to the next stage. I know, it's hard not to.
Add chopped onion, stale bread, butter, water, sage, chicken
broth, and poultry seasoning. Salt and pepper to taste.
That means you'll have to try some. Add some more salt and

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Iyan Igma
pepper. Try some more using the same spoon. Repeat as necessary.
Don't worry about germs; the heat will kill most of the important ones.
Bake at 325°F for 45 minutes.
Yield: a lot

If you're wondering, these are pork chops, not cornbread dressing.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Cosa Nostra Pork Chops
Looking at impressing your mob boss? Thinking about dating
the daughter of a crime lord? This recipe won't help you, even though
it is “Italian-style” pork chops. Still, fixing them would probably ensure
that, in the worst case, you wouldn't wake up with a horse head
sharing a bed with you.

What You Need:
8
1
2

thin, lean, boneless pork chops
jar spaghetti sauce, choose your death
cups mozzarella cheese
Italian breadcrumbs

Sounds Simple Enough...
Now, what I failed to mention is that you'll need a Ziploc bag to
put those breadcrumbs in. Once you've done that, rinse the pork chops
and pat dry. Then, toss them in the bag of breadcrumbs, shaking them
as violently as you would shake a soda you're going to give to a friend.
Take the pork chop out and put it onto a 9x13” baking dish that
has already been lined with breadcrumbs. Did I fail to tell you to do that?
Oops. Repeat the vicious bag-shaking with the other pork chops.
Then, bake at 350°F for 30 minutes, or until brown and cooked
through. Don't be afraid to cut into it to check to see that it's done. After
all, pork is not like sushi. You want it cooked well.
After you've poked and prodded at it and are sure it's done,
remove from oven. Spoon spaghetti sauce on top of pork chops. Then,
coat generously with whatever mozzarella cheese you haven't already
eaten. Bake for another 5 minutes.
Serve warm to your family, or The Family. Just remember, if they
try to kiss you afterwards, flee the country.

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Iyan Igma

Greasy. Sensual. Hamburger.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Grandma Burgers
With every juicy bite you take, you'll be savouring someone's
grandmother who wasn't quite righteous enough to reach Nirvana in
her last lifetime. So it serves her right. Don't feel any pity whatsoever.
Just enjoy every good, wholesome morsel. After all, you're not going
to reach Nirvana either.

What You Will Need to Upset Someone in India

2
2
4
1
1
½
1
1

Good teeth*
pounds ground Beef**
eggs, raw
slices bread, crumbled
onion, chopped
clove garlic, minced
tablespoon mustard
teaspoon red pepper
teaspoon salt

The Nitty-Gritty
If you are dainty and faint-hearted, turn back now. If you weren't
bright enough to thaw the hamburger meat, then kick yourself in the rear
and wait. Everyone else, dive in.
That is to say, dump everything in a big mixing bowl, with the
exception of good teeth. Those should stay in your mouth so you can eat
the burgers later. Using your precious little hands, mix all that gooey stuff
together. Then, form into 8 patties if you are a light eater, and 2 to 4 if
you are a real man.
With anything involving meat, make sure it gets cooked all the
way through. Otherwise, you might enjoy the taste. Put the patties on a
George Foreman grill for 5 minutes (more or less, depending on how rare
or done you prefer them.) Or if you like those tasty black lines to be
seared into your meat by a ravenous fire, grill for about 6 minutes,
turning once. If it's too cold outside or you just really like to pan fry, cook
7 to 10 minutes on each side.
27

Iyan Igma
Serve on your choice of buns. If it's at breakfast, you can
substitute very thick pancakes for buns. You can add cheese, bacon,
and/or grilled mushrooms to really deck this monster out. Some people
like lettuce, ketchup, mayonnaise, chili, pineapple, and such. Feel free to
add whatever you like when destroying your own karma.
*Dentures will work, too
**You can substitute ground turkey

Dinner Rolls

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

That's Not Cornbread
If you really want to play with someone's head, invite them
over to dinner. Tell them you're making cornbread. When they see
what you have made and argue that “that's not cornbread,” pull it
apart and show them the corn. You'll be set to have the most
wonderful dinner conversation.

What You Need
1
1
½
2

cup self-rising flour
can kernel corn, drained
cup buttermilk
tablespoons mayonnaise

Ready to Mess With Someone's Mind?
Preheat oven to 425°F. Combine ingredients and bake in
greased muffin tin for 10-12 minutes. Serve hot, spread with butter.
Yield: 6

NOTE: This has nothing
to do with with this recipe, but if you don't want to make
a wonderful first impression after eating corn on the cob, place
the cob on its end. Take a steak knife and cut down, and repeat
until all the corn is off. Try not to lick the cob compulsively
afterwards.

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Iyan Igma

I'm certain the American Heart Association would approve of these
bacon wrapped hot dogs.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

SSI
Can't swing that cast iron skillet hard enough any more? If
you've ever dreamed about a being a widow (for obvious reasons,)
then this recipe is your meal ticket. Not only will its taste be sinful, but
it is sure to give your grumpy old man a heart attack. Then, you can
start collecting his SSI and finally have some peace.

What You Will Need
1
8
8
16

Grumpy Old Man
Beef franks or polish sausages
ounces bacon (pork is greasiest)
well-soaked toothpicks
buns, choose your preferred style
A current copy of his will
Insurance policies and retirement account info

Optional:
your favourite cheese, either melted or in slices
mayonnaise
onions, chopped
pickle relish
any other condiment like chili or ketchup

How to Make Him Kick the Bucket
This is a fairly simple recipe. Make sure your grill is ready. Wrap
a hot dog in a spiral with a piece of bacon. Put a toothpick through both
ends of the hot dog to keep the bacon in place. Repeat until all of the hot
dogs or sausages have been wrapped in a nice, greasy blanket of bacon.
Toss the hot dogs (or sausages, however the case may be) onto
the grill for 6 to 8 minutes, until bacon is brown and done. Serve on your
choice of bun with whatever you like piled on top. If he doesn't keel over
dead, add arsenic or strychnine to the next one.

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Iyan Igma

Horchata is the only reason to be Mexican

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Diabetic Coma-Inducing Rice Milk
If you didn't have diabetes before you drank this, you will. It's
called horchata, and its taste is heavenly. This is the best kept secret
of the entire book. It is a much creamier version of a traditional
Mexican drink, which should never, under any circumstances, be made
from a dry mix. Horrible!

What You Need

1
1

1
1
1
¾
1

Milk pail
Cow
Boots
Rice paddy
Mesh strainer
half-gallon milk
cup rice
cup water
cup water (yes, I realize water is listed twice)
teaspoon ground cinnamon
can sweetened condensed milk
cup sugar
teaspoon vanilla

What to Do
Take your pail and go milk your cow. It's best to do it early in the
morning before they are too awake to kick you. Set the milk aside in a
cool place. Then, put on your boots and wade out into the rice paddy.
When you've harvested a good cup of rice, come back to dry land.
Put the rice into a bowl that you can seal. Sprinkle with
cinnamon. Pour in water until it is completely covered. Put on lid. Let it
soak between 2 and 12 hours. Do not let it set more than, say, 24 hours,
though, because it starts to ferment.
Pour rice into blender. Add 1 cup of water. Blend forever, or 10 to
12 minutes, whichever comes first. Strain out into a pitcher. Cast the
leftover rice chunks away.

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Iyan Igma
Add sweetened condensed milk; sugar, vanilla, and milk. Stir
fervently. Try a little. If desired, add more sugar until you're completely
diabetic. Refrigerate until served. Do not drink all in one sitting, or you
will have the most intense sugar rush. Also tastes good with strawberry
syrup or real strawberries blended in.

This is fried chicken, not horchata.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

First Date Fried Chicken
When you start dating someone seriously, it's to see if they are
THE ONE. So, why waste time with senseless things like the movies
when you can cut to the chase and do the most romantic and intimate
thing possible first? That's right, have her cook for you.

Men: (If you're female skip down)
Now, the real test of a bride to be is whether or not she can
cook fried chicken. If so, she's a keeper. If not, keep moving, and let
her make someone else miserable for the rest of their lives.

What you will need
1
1

Hen
Cage lined with newspaper to carry it to her house

How to Find Out if She's THE ONE
Knock on her door. When she comes to the door, let the hen go.
Tell her to cook it. If she cannot catch it, wring its neck, behead it, pluck
it, and fry it well, don't waste your time.
Women:
Chances are you have your hopes of walking down the aisle.
So, I'll cheat and let you know what you have to do to get there, after
you've caught the hen, wrung its neck, beheaded it, and plucked it.
Make sure to not leave any feathers...

What You Will Need
8
3
1
2
1
1
½

pieces fried chicken
bowls
cup milk
eggs
cup flour
teaspoon lemon pepper
teaspoon salt

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Iyan Igma
½

cup lard, since it'll clog his veins quicker

How To Prove You Are THE ONE Who Can Make Him
Miserable for the Rest of His Life
Put the milk in a bowl. Crack the eggs and, using a fork, beat
them in a bowl. Dig out the little pieces of eggshell that you dropped in
there. They're very unappetizing. After you're married you won't have to
worry about getting them out any more. Put the flour, lemon pepper, and
salt into the third bowl.
Roll each piece of chicken first in milk, then in eggs, and then
coat them in the flour mixture. Wash your hands before you use the
restroom. You deserve a break; you chased a chicken around, and your
bladder is small. Okay, now, back to the kitchen.
Heat a large pan full of lard over medium-high heat. Carefully put
a few pieces of chicken into the pot. Be prepared to run away at the first
sign of an explosion of grease. Don't worry if you drop a piece of chicken
on the floor while fleeing; he'll never notice.
Cook for 15 minutes, turning, until golden brown. If it is pink
inside, don't feed it to him, since he could die before you make it down
the aisle.
You may need to replenish your batter mixture or add lard as
needed. Also, don't be afraid to turn the heat down a little if it browns too
quickly (as in under 15 minutes.)
If you really want to impress him, you can use the same batter
process to fry your choice of sliced green tomatoes, sliced squash, or
mushrooms. Fry 'em up and drain 'em. He'll love you even more.

I know that the flour goo will look an awful lot like biscuit dough once
you've finished, but it's not. It's been defiled and perverted. DO NOT
eat the flour after you have rolled the chicken in it.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Deep fried eggstacy

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Iyan Igma

Low-Cholesterol Eggs
Everyone's trying to keep their cholesterol down these days. Of
course, we all know that doing so means you have to eat really bland
and boring food like cardboard. With one exception, that is: Deep-fried
eggs, the way my great granny used to make them. She lived well into
her eighties, so you can see how healthy they were.

What You Will Need
Bacon fat from the bacon you just fried
Eggs
Aloe

That's Simple Enough; Now What?
Fill the saucepan (a fancy word for a pot) with warm bacon
grease. Warm the grease over medium-high heat. If cooking over a gas
stove, take Gas-X first.
When the grease is piping hot, crack the egg and drop it in. By
the time you have finished treating your grease burn with aloe, the egg
should be ready. Do not scramble it, as that would create an ungodly
mess.
Take out with a metal spatula, and don't bother straining it.
Serves well with biscuits and gravy and bacon all mushed together, on
sandwiches, or on tennis racquets.
NOTE: You can cook this exact same meal over a campfire. It will
make any cold morning paradise.

DO NOT POUR GREASE ONTO A FIRE!
IT IS LIKE THROWING DIESEL ONTO HOT FLAMES!
(BUT IT SURE IS FUN)

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Enchilada casserole is yummy

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Irish Enchiladas
I know what you're thinking. Enchiladas are Mexican. However,
this is one of the lost recipes from the kitchen of the fearless and
experimental Jonathan Swift, who, as you well know, mastered Irish
cuisine. Swift, who gave the world Gulliver's Travels, omitted one
dreary part of the tale, in which Gulliver actually went to Mexico. Since
such events as the discovery of El Dorado, the defeat of the twelveheaded monkey sun gods, and Gulliver's tutelage under the foremost
enchilada expert of the day were too boring to include, many would
never suppose that Swift knew much of enchiladas.
But, that is not so. Gulliver left those recipes to Swift in his
will. Swift later perfected the recipe, and was poised to become world
famous with it. However, a common thief, one of my greatgrandfathers, was his sous-chef, and he recognized greatness when he
saw it. Thus, he made off with this recipe, distinguishing himself
among all of my other ancestors who were nothing more than cattle
thieves. This has been a secret family recipe for centuries now, a
treasure we owe our good, honest, reputable ancestor. You will
probably be most surprised to see that there are no potatoes or
whiskey involved. But you can add them, if you really want to.

So, What Does the Recipe Call For?
Filling:
12
corn tortillas (the yellow, not-quite-as-tasty ones)
2
pounds small Irish child, any will do, browned*
1
large can red or green Enchilada sauce
1
can green chilies
1
cup onion, chopped
1
can whole kernel corn, undrained
1
cup diced tomatoes
1
cup rice, cooked
1
cup queso fresco (Mexican Crumbing Cheese)

tablespoons olive oil
1
tablespoon lemon juice
½
cup garlic, minced
½
teaspoon salt
Pinch of cumin
Hot sauce to taste (I prefer Valentina)

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It Probably Won't Kill You....
Topping:
2
cups cheddar cheese or Mexican cheese blend
Shredded lettuce
1
cup black olives
1
cup sour cream
½
cup diced tomatoes

So, My Irish Kid's browned... What's Next?
Basically, you'll put the olive oil into the bottom of a large
saucepan (pot,) and pray you have enough room. Warm it over low heat.
Add browned Irish kid, green chilies, onion, corn (and juice,) tomatoes,
rice, crumbled queso fresco, lemon juice, garlic, salt, cumin, and several
hearty squirts of hot sauce. Add ¾ of the Enchilada sauce. Mix until the
mixture is warm and well-blended.
Remove from heat, and heat the corn tortillas until they are warm
and pliable (about 30 seconds in a microwave.) Using a large spoon, fill
the center with enchilada mix. Roll the tortillas and put them in a 9x13"
baking dish. Spoon remaining enchilada sauce over the top. Cover with
tin foil, and bake at 350°F for 30 minutes.
Remove from oven long enough to cover with cheese. Bake an
additional 5 minutes. Cover with lettuce, olives, tomatoes, and sour
cream. Eat with gusto.
*You can substitute Irish children with ground beef in areas where
Irishmen are scarce, such as dry counties. The flavour will not suffer
too much.

Black Jelly Beans Are Useless

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Celibacy
If you've ever dreamed about being a Catholic Priest, this
simple dip is guaranteed to keep you celibate, as well as make sure
you're dead before you're forty. That way you don't have to suffer too
long. In fact, it's so easy to keep girls away, you'll wonder why you've
never thought of it before.

What You Will Need
1
1
1
1

Cup mayonnaise
Cup butter, softened
teaspoon garlic powder
teaspoon onion powder

What to Do
Mix everything together. Serve on toasted bread. Be miserable
and dream about girls every night.

Note: Should you recant, repent, and want to break
your vow of celibacy, it is not as simple as brushing your
teeth or even using mouthwash. Garlic lingers.
Drink a swig of lemon juice mixed with water.
Kiss the first legal girl you can find.
If she isn't grossed out by your breath, you're safe.
If she is grossed out (but not by your technique,
since there I cannot help you,) have a little more
lemon juice. Garlic and onion can be a little stubborn.

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Linus's Revenge
If you or a loved one has ever sat in a pumpkin patch waiting
for the Great Pumpkin to appear, you can understand Linus's
disappointment. It is your right, nay, your sacred duty to take part in
the same revenge that Linus wreaked on pumpkinkind. That's right;
it's time to make pumpkin pies. This recipe is another from my greatgranny the wonder chef.

What You Will Need
1
½
1
1⅓
3
4
3⅓

2

poor, defenseless pumpkin that has it coming
teaspoon salt
teaspoon cinnamon
cups sugar
teaspoons Pumpkin pie spice
eggs, slightly beaten
cups milk
cups mashed, cooked pumpkin*
9" deep dish pie pans or 4 9" shallow pans

Those Pumpkins Will Pay Dearly for This!
Go out into pumpkin patch. Find a suitable victim. Nab the
pumpkin, and hurry home before the other pumpkins stage a rescue.
Strap him down in a chair and torture him. Make him watch It's The Great
Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and demand answers.
If he doesn't squeal, show him your jack-o-lanterns, promising to
do the same to him. If he still won't talk, it's because he knows he's a
different type of pumpkin. So, mash him. You were going to do it anyway.
You both knew it. That's why he refused to answer.
Sift together dry ingredients and stir into eggs. Add milk and
pumpkin. Pour filling into pie pans. Bake at 450°F for 10 minutes.
Reduce heat to 325°F and bake 35 minutes longer, or until knife inserted
in center comes out clean.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....
Cool. Cover in Cool Whip and eat ravenously. Tell the kids far
and wide that there is no Great Pumpkin, but these sure are great
pumpkin pies.
Note: Pie will puff up when nearly done, signifying its last gasp of
resistance.
*If you're uber-lazy, you can use 1 can of Libby’s pumpkin pie filling
instead.

Take that, you silly Great Pumpkin!

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Iyan Igma

G. W. Carver's Gift to Mankind
If it were not for George Washington Carver, the world would
have no meaning. His exploration of that wonder of wonders, the
peanut, has blessed every aspect of my life. As someone who used to
eat his own weight in peanut butter each year, if not more, I find it
only fitting to make these cookies in honour of a god among men
every Sunday.

What You Will Need
1
¾
¾
2

1
1

cup butter
cup sugar
cup brown sugar
eggs
cups self-rising flour
teaspoon vanilla extract
cup peanut butter
chopped nuts (optional)

Show Me the Mystery of the Peanut Butter Cookie
Cream together butter, sugar, and brown sugar. Add eggs, flour,
vanilla, peanut butter, and chopped nuts. Mix well. Roll into balls. Roll the
balls in sugar. Place them on an ungreased cookie sheet. Make a
crisscross on each ball with a fork.
From time to time you will need to dip the fork in water to keep it
from sticking to balls. Do not lick the fork yet, as it will only add to the
stickiness. Bake at 350°F for 8 to 10 minutes.
Now you can lick the fork. Use your fingers to scrape the excess
dough from the sides of the bowl. Don't be afraid of the slurping, popping
sounds your fingers will make as you suck the dough off. Repeat until
bowl is wiped clean.
Cool on wire racks, while chanting,
“Holy, Holy, the Most High
Who sent the peanut from the sky,
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It Probably Won't Kill You....
And thereby has shown us His great love.
Bless Carver and the cookies we'll soon eat of.”
Now, you may feast.

Peanut butter cookies actually replaced ambrosia as the food of the
gods.

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The Cure for the Munchies
Chances are you are a good, upstanding citizen. I won't hold
that against you. But whether or not you do or do not suffer
outrageous, drug-induced cravings for food, you should like this
recipe. Providing you're not some freak who doesn't like peanut butter
or coconut. If you are, then you should really not read this cookbook.

What You Will Need

1
½
1
½
¼

cups graham cracker crumbs or crushed cereal
cup unsifted 10 x sugar (confectioners sugar)
cup chopped nuts
cup creamy peanut butter
cup coconut
cup butter, softened

Then What?
Mix crumbs, sugar, peanut butter, and butter in medium size
bowl, using a wooden spoon. Roll into small balls by hand. Roll half in
nuts, and half in coconut. You don't have time to bake it, because you're
too hungry. Just eat it like it is.

This recipe will be very useful for
those special people among us who
can burn water. If that happens to
describe you, make sure that you
keep vinegar around to douse the
smell, especially when company is
eating what you just burned.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Chocolate chips melting into gooey goodness before they become
rabbit pellets

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Iyan Igma

Rabbit Pellets
Nothing says cute like rabbit pellets. If you want to impress
your coworkers or insignificant other, you can either collect them from
your pet rabbit Spike, or you can make the imitation, which tastes a
whole lot less like carrots and lettuce than you would expect. Spike
won't mind, since he knows that “imitation is the highest form of
flattery.”

2
1
1
1
1

What You Will Need

bags semi-sweet chocolate morsels*
bag peanut butter chips
8 ounce can cashews
8 ounce can peanuts, roasted and salted
small bag of pretzels.
Wax paper

Now, to Flatter Your Bunny
In a large steel pan or pot, melt chocolate morsels over low heat,
stirring constantly. When it is soft, add in peanut butter chips, cashews,
peanuts, and several handfuls of pretzels. Don't quit stirring. Do not add
real rabbit pellets to the mixture; they're too healthy.
When it is all coated, remove from heat and quickly drop by
spoonfuls onto wax paper. Let cool for 30 minutes, at least, or refrigerate.
Feel free to experiment; add other types of nuts or coconut.
*If you can convince them that you have an albino bunny, you can use
white chocolate morsels instead. I prefer them, so you should, too.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Fudge brownie with ice cream. (You were expecting a different
description?)

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Methylene Surprise
What would you do if you woke up one morning and discovered
that your urine was blue or green? You'd freak out, right? So, what
better way to show your love and admiration for someone than giving
them such a thrill? Is it difficult, you ask? Not really. You just need
methylene blue and something nice and dark, like brownies or coke.
Let's explore the brownie option.

What You Will Need
1
½
½
½
1
2
6
½

cup chopped nuts
cup butter
cup white sugar
cup brown sugar, packed
teaspoon vanilla
eggs
tablespoons cocoa
cup all-purpose flour
a few drops of methylene blue

Let the Fun Begin
Cream butter, sugars, and vanilla together. Add eggs, nuts,
cocoa, and flour. Make a sinister laugh as you add in a drop or two of
methylene blue. Blend until the mixture seems “just blended.” Pour into
9x13” baking dish. Bake at 350°F for 25 to 30 minutes.
Let it cool for a few minutes, then cut into small squares. Serve
with under vanilla ice cream to your unsuspecting victims. Chuckle evilly
to yourself all night long.

Be forewarned that adding methylene blue
can be potentially fatal, as someone could have a
heart-attack upon seeing blue urine. In all earnestness, there
are some potential side effects if dosages are too high, so it's
best to prepare these brownies without the
laughter inducing agent.
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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Oh, sure. They look cute enough, and you'd think they'd be a cinch
to make. But it's a lie, I tell you! A lie!

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Hell
Because divinity is impossible. Just like Santa Claus doesn't
exist, you can't really make divinity. But don't let your kids know that.

What You Will Need
A
1
3
½
½
1
2
1

non-humid day
Patience
Ready-made package of divinity
cups sugar
cup Karo light syrup
cup cold water
teaspoon vanilla extract
egg whites, stiffly beaten
cup chopped nuts

All Set. Where Do I Go From Here?
Well, I think you already know the answer to that question. You'll
put the sugar, syrup, and water in a pot. Cook until a few drops form a
soft ball when you drop them from a spoon into cold water.
Pour half the syrup over the stiffly beaten egg whites as you
continue beating them. While doing this, continue to cook the remaining
syrup until a hard ball forms when dropped in cold water.
Add the hot syrup gradually to the syrup and egg mixture. Beat
well, add vanilla and nuts. Drop by spoonfuls onto waxed paper or foil.
Tell your kids it has to set overnight. When they go to bed, throw
away all of your disastrous hard work. Trust me, you'll thank me later.
Then, spill the store-bought divinity out onto wax paper or foil, and
pretend it's the same batch you made. Enjoy its rich taste, because you
know where liars go...

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Cream cheese pound cake, in this version frosted. The top, where
the layers of sugar lining the pan have glorified the cake, is the best
part.

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Iyan Igma

Mixer-Killer
Year after year you're stuck using that same old hand mixer.
You scrape flecks of dried dough off of it all the time. You're sure your
shoulder will go out any time now. You keep telling yourself you'll get
a KitchenAid one day. But the dagblasted mixer just won't die.
Well, you don't need to suffer any more. As someone who's
been enlightened in this particular area, I can promise you that all you
need to do is make a cream cheese pound cake. If, by chance, you
happen to like your mixer just fine, be sure it is plenty strong before
you attempt this recipe.

What You Will Need
1
8
3
6
3
3

dash

mixer you despise
ounces cream cheese
sticks butter
large eggs
cups sugar
cups all-purpose flour
teaspoons vanilla
of salt (about ¼ teaspoon)

Once You've Dug a Grave For It In Your Backyard Next to All
of Your Kids' Pets, Here's What You Do Next
Allow cream cheese and butter to warm at room temperature
until softened. Cream both the cream cheese and the butter with the
sugar and vanilla. Add eggs, one at a time, blending well after each
addition. Your mixer hasn't even broken a sweat yet, but don't worry.
Add flour one cup at a time, until blended. This is where your
blender will die, no doubt about it. When it does, discard it to the side,
and grab your brand spanking new KitchenAid to finish the recipe. Why
let a good thing go to waste, right?
Blend in salt. Pour into a greased and sugared tube pan (bundt).
Place in cold oven and bake at 300°F for 1½ hours.
I personally like to serve cream cheese pound cake with nacho

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It Probably Won't Kill You....
cheese or yellow mustard on top.

English Scones, the snootiest treat of all...

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Snooty Desserts
From time to time everyone wants to feel like they are better
than they really are. What better way to do this than to make a nice
English treat. Then, while you eat them, you can pretend that you are
some dry, uppity Englishman who still wonders when America will
come to its senses and end that stupid experiment in democracy.
Warning, it will be easy to give into the dark side after having
English scones. But you can still be a decent human being. I believe in
you. After all, deep down you know that they drive on the wrong side
of he road. It would never work out, especially since you still think that
kilometers are a type of dinosaur.

What You Will Need

3
1


¾
½
1
1

Free time in your schedule (pronounced shedule)
cups all-purpose flour
whole grated lemon (grate the lemon rind, not
the entire lemon. Less messy that way)
cup sugar
tsp baking powder
tsp salt
tsp baking soda
cup butter, crumbled
cup buttermilk

How to Attain Social Elevation
Mix together all of the ingredients together, taking care to only
use the lemon zest and not the pulp and seeds. On floured surface,
knead dough. Make into a circle about ½" thick. Brush with melted butter
and sprinkle sugar evenly over top. Cut into 12 triangles like a pizza.
Bake at 425°F for 10-12 minutes. Make a cup of tea and serve while
watching Masterpiece Theatre.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

It's chocolate delight. Honest. I swear. Would I lie to you?

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Tell Them It's Chocolate Delight
This easy dessert is a great way to get back at people against
whom you hold a grudge. It is also a great recipe for April Fool's Day
and the wedding receptions of people you secretly wished to marry.
The trick is to substitute the layer of “chocolate pudding” with
something particularly nasty. You can use your imagination. But it has
to be dark brown and soft. Adding sugar to it usually helps maintain
the illusion. If you're feeling particularly nice, you can use a fruit filling
or chocolate pudding. But don't let it happen more than once;
otherwise people will start to get the wrong idea about you.

What You Will Need:

Crust:

cups self-rising flour
½
cup butter, softened
½
cup chopped nuts

Cream Cheese Layer:
8
ounce package cream cheese, softened
½
cup powdered sugar
8
ounce bowl of cool whip
Pudding Layer:
2
boxes instant pudding (claim it's chocolate)

cups milk

How to Pull of Your Evil Plot...
Mix together flour, butter, and chopped nuts. Press into bottom of
9x13" pan. Bake at 350°F for 15 to 20 minutes or until lightly brown. Let
cool completely. Cream the cream cheese and powdered sugar together.
Stir in cool whip. Spread over cooled crust. Beat “pudding” and
milk for 2 minutes at medium speed. Spread over cream cheese layer.
Top with 8 ounces cool whip. Sprinkle with nuts if desired. Coconut's not
half bad, either.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Pecan pie was actually the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. It
used to grow on trees pre-baked. Can you honestly blame Eve now
that you know how great a temptation she faced?

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Pee Can Pie
Pee can pie has a long heritage in the south where disgruntled
women would cook dessert for abusive husbands in their pee cans.
They watched smiling as their husbands ate heartily, knowing their
dirty little secret.
Still, a certain curiosity always pestered them. Did it taste as
good as their husbands let on? Why did he seem to enjoy that more
than their other dishes? Was their cooking really that bad? As times
have changed and women have become more effeminate and caved in
to the temptation, they have begun to cook these in regular pans.

What You Will Need
6
2
2
4
2
½
4
2

eggs
cups light corn syrup
cups sugar
tablespoons butter, melted
teaspoons vanilla
teaspoon salt
cups pecan pieces
#10 cans, soiled*

How to Make Something Disgusting
In large bowl, beat eggs slightly. Stir in corn syrup, sugar, butter,
vanilla, and salt until blended. Add nuts. Pour into #10 cans. Bake at 400
degrees F for 15 minutes. Reduce to 350°F and bake 25-30 minutes
more, or until lightly browned and completely puffed across top.
Remember, when you bake pies you need to cover the edges of
the crust with tin foil so it wont burn.
* You can use or two 9-inch deep dish pie pans, or 4 regular pie pans
if you are squeamish.

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Thumbprint cookies are the ultimate in bite-sized shortbread
heaven. Angels sold separately.

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A Felon's Nightmare
If you have a felon in your family, or suspect that a future sonin-law is, this is a great way to find out. It seems innocuous enough at
first, since no one would think anything of making simple shortbread
cookies.
However, if you press the thumb correctly, you can get a solid
print baked into the cookie which the boys down at the local PD can try
to match. If the future son-in-law seems remarkably dumb, you can
have them press down on a black ink pad before they imprint their
thumbprint. You'll know from their expertise if they've done it before.
In any case, be sure not to frost a few of the ones that he makes, as
the frosting occludes the prints. So, are you ready to catch a crook?

What you will need:

Cookies:
¼
cup sugar
1
cup butter, softened
2
cups all-purpose flour
1
teaspoon vanilla
¼
teaspoon salt
1
cup finely chopped nuts

Frosting:
1
cup powdered sugar
½
tsp vanilla
Enough water to make the consistency where it
will drop off tip of spoon.
Food colouring, as desired.

Instructions
Cream the butter and sugar together. Add the flour, vanilla, salt,
and nuts. Mix. Roll into small balls. Make a thumbprint on each ball. Bake
on ungreased baking sheet at 300°F for about 20 minutes. Remove, let
cool, and frost.
Yield: About 5 dozen

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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Peach cobbler. Looks magical enough to me.

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Iyan Igma

It's Magic
Let's face it, your kids think that you're boring and stuffy. They
just don't like you. Why can't you be cool like their friends' parents?
Well, now you can.
What I am about to show you will single-handedly reinvent
your image. Your kids will worship you after you prepare it. They will
clean their rooms without you telling them to. They will never again
blare their music. They will only date the people that you pick out,
because, after all, you are the coolest person alive.
That's right, you're about to learn how to make Magic Cobbler,
something that makes even Harry Potter pale in comparison. And the
best part is, no real magic is necessary. You can let simple chemical
reactions do all the hard work for you. But just don't tell your kids.

What You Will Need:
1
½
¼
½
1
1

cup flour
cup sugar
cup butter
cup milk
large can of fruit in syrup (peaches, pears, etc.)
teaspoon cinnamon, if using apples, peaches, or
pears. Stir it into can of fruit.
DO NOT DRAIN FRUIT, OR ELSE! I'LL TELL YOUR MAMMA!

Abracadabra!
Melt butter in bottom of pan. Mix together flour, sugar, And milk.
Pour over butter in pan. Do not stir.
Spoon fruit over batter in pan, do not mix. Bake at 350°F for 30
minutes.

If you really want to seem cool and magical, make it rain gum for
your kids. To do this, you will need a partner with a good arm and
a bucket full of gum. Take the kids out one door of your home, chant
a magical incantation really loud, and watch as your kids are amazed
to see it rain gum. Give your partner a massage, a Ford Pinto, or
something else nice later on. It's hard work lobbing gum over a house.
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It Probably Won't Kill You....

Cover your eyes! The sugar cookies are trying to seduce you!

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Delicious Dough
Anyone with common sense prefers to eat cookie dough raw,
and there's no better dough to do it with than sugar cookies. There's
something about that sticky, buttery mass that cries, “Eat me now!”

What You'll Need
2
1
1
½
1
½

cups self-rising flour
cup sugar
egg
cup butter
teaspoon vanilla extract
teaspoon salt

And Then?
Cream the butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla and salt.
Blend. Add flour. Mix. Freeze dough for later consumption, or eat it on
the spot. Lick the beaters (mixer blades.)
If you have this thing about now wanting to eat raw eggs, know
that I don't understand this stigma. Still, I'll humour you just this once and
tell you how to bake them. If your dough is frozen, it is easier to work
with. But you'll need to take it out of the freezer. Roll into little balls
(about ½” in diameter, though it's not a crime to make them bigger. Yet.)
If it is not yet frozen, and there's still a little bit left that you and
your kids are fighting over, you'll need to be able to pour about ½ cup of
sugar into a small bowl quickly. Drop spoonfuls into sugar and roll into
little balls. Eat every other one.
Then, spread the balls apart on lightly greased cookie sheets.
Bake at 375°F until the edges begin to brown, about 7-9 minutes. Don't
worry, they'll flatten into normal sized little cookies. Let them cool on wire
racks. Dip in milk, add to cereal, give to diabetics, or frost.
Yield: if you don't eat all of the dough first, about three dozen.

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When You're Just Too Lazy to Bake
You have my older sister to thank for giving me the building
blocks of laziness. When I was just a wee bairn, she taught me how to
mix peanut butter, Karo syrup, and oatmeal together to make...
whatever it is. It's not exactly cereal, and it's not exactly a no-bake
cookie. I can only describe it as good.

What You Need, I Guess. I've Never Really Measured It. You
Just Know When It's Right.

2
½
A
A

tablespoons peanut butter, crunchy is better
cup oatmeal, more or less
enough Karo syrup to make it blend well
handful of raisins, optional
handful of coconut or almonds, s'il vous plait

So, How Do I Make These Dadgum Things?
That's a good question. So glad you asked. Put the oatmeal in a
bowl. Add the peanut butter. Lick the spoon. Add the syrup, and the
“other” stuff, if you desire. Mix with the spoon you just licked until all the
oatmeal, etc., has been mixed in with the syrup and peanut butter. Eat.
Have a glass of water or milk nearby, as you run the risk of
getting your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth.

Grapes will catch on fire in the microwave if you
cut them in half, leaving a small bit of skin
attaching both pieces. Lay them with the cut
sides open on a plate (not paper,) and turn the
microwave on for 30 seconds. Then, behold the
wonder of fire!

69

Iyan Igma

Credits:
Photo 1: Carne Asada
Photographer: Jon Sullivan
http://public-domainimage.com/food_and_drink/slides/carne_asada_tacos.html
Public Domain
Photo 2: Red savina habanero
Photographer: Tambake the Jaguar
http://flickr.com/photos/tambako/2826292794/
CC Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License
Photo 3: Pulled Pork Barbecue
Photographer: Mike_el Madrileño
http://flickr.com/photos/notunlike/2596824413/
CC by Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License
Photo 4: BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Photographer: Bucklava
http://flickr.com/photos/9229859@N02/2142544656
CC by Atribution Generic 2.0 License
Photo 5: Cube Steak
Photographer: tombothetominator
http://flickr.com/photos/tombothetominator/2394457801/
CC by Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 6: Hobo Dinner
Photographer: Oliliqui
http://flickr.com/photos/oliliqui/1119628615/
CC by Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License
Photo 7: Biscuits
Photographer: Avoir Chaud
http://www.flickr.com/photos/habesha/400273814/
CC by Atribution General 2.0 License
Photo 8: Cornbread Dressing
Photographer: Elin B
http://flickr.com/photos/beckmann/3075077347/
CC by Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 9: Pork Chop
Photographer: stu spivack
http://flickr.com/photos/stuart_spivack/34677132/
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License

70

It Probably Won't Kill You....
Photo 10: Hamburger
Photographer: uhuru1701
http://flickr.com/photos/uhuru1701/2247520625/
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 11: Hotdogs
Photographer: arndog
ttp://flickr.com/photos/arndog/2525866996
Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 12: Rolls
Photographer: erin kkr
http://flickr.com/photos/benreichelt/3053296888
Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License
Photo 13: Horchata
Photographer: photocapy
http://flickr.com/photos/photocapy/103173193/
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 14: Fried Chicken
Photographer: jetalone
http://flickr.com/photos/jetalone/383227143
Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 15: Fried Eggs
Photographer: House of Sims
http://flickr.com/photos/houseofsims/2829878505/
Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 16: Enchiladas
Photographer: szlea
http://flickr.com/photos/shawnzlea/529120841/
Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 17: Pumpkin Pie
Photographer: paul goyette
http://flickr.com/photos/pgoyette/295787327
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 18: Peanut Butter Cookie
Photographer: stu spivack
http://flickr.com/photos/stuart_spivack/2417561327/
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 19: Melting chocolate
Photographer: jessicafm
http://flickr.com/photos/jessicafm/71924125
Attribution 2.0 Generic License

71

Iyan Igma
Photo 20: Fudge Brownie
Photographer: avlxyz
http://flickr.com/photos/avlxyz/190412876
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 21: Divinity
Photographer: Nic at bakingsheet.blogspot.com
http://bakingsheet.blogspot.com/2005/12/cooking-school-pecan-divinity.html
Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic License
Photo 22: Cream Cheese Pound Cake
Photographer: daveyll
http://flickr.com/photos/daveyll/440600009
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 23: Scones
Photographer: octopushat
http://flickr.com/photos/octopushat/2228461391
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License
Photo 24: Chocolate Delight
Photographer: kacey
http://flickr.com/photos/kacey/575702209/
Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 25: Pecan Pie
Photographer: Cynthia Closkey
http://flickr.com/photos/cynthiacloskey/3072531417
Attribution 2.0 Generic License
Photo 26: Thumbprint Cookies
Photographer: suavehouse113
http://flickr.com/photos/suavehouse113/2620666790
Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License
Photo 27: Peach Cobbler
Photographer: dyanna
http://flickr.com/photos/dyanna/2706083224
Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License
Photo 28: Sugar Cookie
Photographer: lokate366
http://flickr.com/photos/lokate366/277539997
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License

72

It Probably Won't Kill You....

Tell Me More About This Mystic Chef
Iyan had this pituitary growth disorder as a child,
resulting in giantism. So, he was never knee-high to a
grasshopper. But, he was helping around the kitchen
ever since you were. Having lived on his own for many
years now, he has mastered these simple family recipes
that have been passed down from generation to
generation, tinkering with them and adding a few of his
own.
He weighs a buck forty, and you know what they
say about skinny chefs. He hates chicken and chocolate.
He currently practices a vegan, raw food diet. After
seeing this recipe book, you should fully understand
why. If you wonder why he's not doing a raw food or
vegan recipe book, it's because they are just not as fun
to bastardize.
Some say Iyan Igma wasn't hugged enough as a
child. Others think that he's a prophet or visionary. Still
others think he only has eight toes. Of course, those are
just the people that live inside his head.
The real Iyan Igma is a mischievous, meddling,
mediocre megalomaniac who hails from South Georgia.
Most people wouldn't think that he's as strange as his
writings would make him appear. He likes peace and
quiet, although he never gets any. He has been aptly
described by Coby as one who apparently goes around
breaking mirrors (purely in self-defense, though) and
one who has no life.
Iyan tries to miss a meal occasionally in order to
pretend like he is a starving artist. Don't worry, he has
no intentions of quitting his day job and starting a
restaurant any time soon.

73

By Iyan Igma
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Adult Poetry & Short Fiction:
The Dementia of Iyan Igma (2008)
The Repressed Memories of Iyan Igma (2008)
More Heresies from Iyan Igma (2009)
Blather (2009) [Omnibus]
笑玲 Smiling (2009)*
Rorschachs (2009)**

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Children's Books:
My Sun (2009)
How To Get Rid of Monsters (2009)
Mommy's Tired (2009)
Wizard Tears (2009)
The Turtle in the Millpond (2009)
Yaatoocheefenokee (2009)
Special Delivery (2009)
A Mother's Love (2009)
Defects (2009)
Assorted Silliness (2009)

1.

Children's Books for Adults:
There's a Conservative Outside My Window (2009)

1.

Fantasy Books
Leaving Belucía (2009)

1.

Cookbooks
It Probably Won't Kill You... (2009)

Visit  ww.iyanigma.com for the latest news and free downloads.
*Smiling is a selection of some of the happier moments from the first three poetry books.
**Rorshachs is an illustrated selection of the dark and twisted tales from the first three 
poetry books.

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