THE FIFTH ELEPHANT

Characters Narrator Sir Samual Vimes, Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Police 1st Sister, The oldest 2nd Sister, The middle 3rd Sister, The youngest (no accent) SCENE 1 Sister 1: How beautiful the snow is, sisters . . . Narrator: Three women sat at the window of their lonely house, looking out at the white Uberwald winter. Sister 2: And how cold the vind is.. Sister 3: [Sighing] Why do we always talk about the weather? Sister 2: Vhat else is there? Sister 3: Well, it's either freezing cold or baking. I mean, that's it, really. Sister 1: [Slowly and sternly] That is how things are in Mother Uberwald. The vind and the snow and the boiling heat of summer... Sister 3: You know, I bet if we cut down the cherry orchard, I'm sure we could put in a roller skating rink Sister 1: No. Sister 3: How about a conservatory? We could grow pineapples. Sister 1: No. Sister 3: If we moved to Bonk we could get a big apartment for the cost of this place Sister 1: This is our home, Irina. Ah, a home of lost illusions and thwarted hopes ... Sister 3: We could go out dancing and everything. Sister 2: [Dreamily] I remember vhen ve lived in Bonk. Things vere better then. Sister 1: Things vere alvays better then.

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Sister 3: [The youngest sister sighed, and looked out of the window. She gasped.] There's a man running through the cherry orchard! Sister 2: A man! Vot could he possibly vant? Sister 3: [Straining to see] It's looks like he wants ... a pair a trousers ... Sister 2 [Dreamily] Ah, trousers vere better then. SCENE 2 Narrator: Vimes veered away from the farmhouse and sprinted toward the nearby barn. There had to be something in there. Even a couple of sacks would do. The chafing qualities of frozen underwear can be seriously underestimated. He'd been running for half an hour. Well, for twenty-five minutes really. The other five had been spent limping, wheezing, clutching at his chest and wondering how you knew if you were having a heart attack. The inside of the barn was barnlike. There were stacks of hay, dusty farm implements ... and a couple of thread-bare sacks, hanging on a nail. He snatched one, gratefully. Behind him, the door creaked open. He spun around, clutching the sack to him, and saw three very somberly dressed women watching him carefully. One of them was holding a kitchen knife in a trembling hand. Sister 2: Have you come here to ravish us? Vimes: [Covering himself up as well as possible with a sack.] Madam! I'm being pursued by werewolves! Sisters 1-3 [Look at each other]. Vimes: [Clutches sack more tightly.] Sister 2: [Hopefully] Vill that take you all day? Vimes: Ladies! Please! I need trousers! Sister 1: Ve can see that. Vimes: And a weapon, and boots if you've got them! Please? Sisters 1-3 [Go into a huddle]

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Sister 2: [Doubtfully] Ve have the gloomy and purposeless trousers of Uncle Vanya. Sister 1: He seldom vore them. Sister 3: And I have an ax in my linen cupboard. [Looking guiltily at her sisters] Look, just in case I ever needed it, all right? I wasn't going to chop anything down. Vimes: I would be so grateful. [Taking in the good but old clothes, the faded gentility, and played the only card in his hand] I am His Grace the Duke of Ankh-Morpork, although I appreciate this fact is not evident at the Sisters 1-3 [Simultaneously sighing] Ankh-Morpork! Sister 2: You haf a magnificent opera house and many fine galleries. Sister 1: Such vonderful avenues! Sister 2: A veritable heaven of culture and sophistication and [emphatically] unattached men of quality! Vimes: Er ... I said Ankh-Morpork. With an A and an M. Sister 1: Ve have always dreamed of going there. Vimes: I'll have three coach tickets sent along immediately after I get home. [Panicking now because in his mind's ear hearing the crunch of speeding paws over snow.] But, dear ladies, if you could fetch me those things [They hurried away, but the youngest lingered by the door.] Sister 3: Do you have long, cold winters in Ankh-Morpork? Vimes: Just muck and slush, usually. Sister 3: Any cherry orchards? Vimes: I don't think we have any, I'm afraid. Sister 3: [Punching the air] Yesss!