Assertiveness You Will Learn How To
Demonstrate and model assertive behavior for win-win outcomes Gain self-awareness of your attitudes, behavior patterns and habits Develop a positive, proactive response to difficult behaviors in others Exhibit confidence in your ability to address challenging situations Enhance your skill set using proven tools, tactics and techniques Generate the results you want when dealing with others
Course Benefits Professionals at all levels need the ability to project their thoughts and ideas with an assertive communication style. The skill of expressing opinions confidently and clearly is critical. In this course, you gain the knowledge and skills to proactively and effectively apply appropriate levels of assertiveness in a professional environment. You also design a personalized action plan to further develop your assertiveness skills for use back at work. Who Should Attend Anyone interested in building effective and assertive communication skills, including business, nonprofit, government and educational professionals, team and project leaders. RealityPlus™ Experiential activities, including real-playing and role-playing, allow you to simulate realworld situations and practice the skills and techniques presented throughout the course. Activities include:
Practicing assertive communication Exhibiting confident body language Developing assertive characteristics Modeling assertive behavior options Assertively managing real-world pressures and demands Profiling your conflict handling style Applying assertiveness techniques Responding proactively to common challenges Planning successful outcomes Giving and receiving structured feedback
Course 244 Content
Identifying goals and themes The power of self-awareness Establishing the value of mutual benefit
bosses and vendors Assessing the impact of organizational culture Accommodating intercultural norms Navigating power relationships within the organization
Expressing Personal Power
Pinpointing patterns of behavior
Raising self-awareness The role of personal history Exploring how identity. direct-reports. fear and habits impact results Creating new personal effectiveness
Mapping how people handle conflict
Enhancing your ability to respond to conflict Recognizing your conflict style as a factor in assertiveness Responding differently to different situations Considering the role of Emotional and Social Intelligence
Overcoming Challenging Situations
Applying viable assertiveness techniques
Deciding which situations call for assertiveness Witnessing the dynamics of constructive and destructive interactions
Adopting effective assertiveness strategies
Developing options to respond productively Identifying your assertiveness style and adapting your approach Giving up blame and focusing on solutions Seeing the win-win potential of cooperation Finding the root cause through effective questioning
Recognizing modes of interactive behavior
Considering critical attributes of assertive behavior Identifying characteristics of nonassertive behavior Acknowledging areas of personal vulnerability and opportunity Responding appropriately to manipulation or bullying
Contextual and situational considerations
Asserting 360 degrees: Peers.
Building Your Assertiveness Skill Set
Committing to assertive and skillful outcomes
Developing powerful nonverbal communication Accepting responsibility for resolution Initiating improved communication Communicating clearly in complex situations Deflecting criticism and personal attacks
Developing the tools
The power of "I" statements Saying "no" productively Addressing difficult issues using the DESC approach Pushing through resistance Selecting the appropriate tools
Establishing a proactive assertiveness style
Taking time to think clearly Modeling productive approaches Responding to everyday situations Giving and receiving feedback
Practicing effective assertiveness principles
Leveraging a four-step process model Accurately assessing your situation Targeting desired outcomes Measuring results
Launching Your Assertiveness Plan
Constructing an assertiveness action plan
Adopting an attitude of responsibility and mutual respect Committing to timelines and outcomes Prioritizing changes in assertive behavior
Putting the "action" into the assertiveness action plan
Constructing a blueprint for your action plan Applying best practices under pressure Reinforcing your newly developed assertiveness skills for long-term value
every time? Or does it mean knowing when to let someone else or some other cause or outcome take precedence over your rights?
. © iStockphoto/JayKay57 Do you consider yourself to be assertive? And what does being assertive mean to you? Does it mean exercising your rights all the time.
Scheduling time to assess progress Practicing assertive behaviors Modifying your action plan to accommodate change
What is assertive behaviour Benefits of assertiveness (for you and your organisation) Recognise aggression. Not Against Them
Stand firm when you need to. indirect aggression and submissive behaviours Identify how best to deal with different behaviour styles Rational and irrational thoughts Saying no assertively and sticking to it! Responding to criticism Rights & beliefs Developing assertiveness skills to give feedback Demonstrating being assertive Action plan for the future
Working with People.
Developing your assertiveness starts with a good understanding of who you are and a belief in the value you bring. In general. and you don't usually ask. Yes. Assertiveness helps to build on that self-confidence and provides many other benefits for improving your relationships at work and in other areas of your life as well. Aggressive behavior is based on winning . When you have that. needs. Assertiveness is not necessarily easy. being assertive? Or. So. assertive people:
Get to "win-win" more easily – they see the value in their opponent and in his/her position. feelings or desires of others. So. is the employee who is about to go on vacation being assertive when she tells the boss that the work will be done upon her return? It's not always easy to identify truly assertive behavior. and wants of others. When you are aggressive. you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily get it. you get that same treatment in return. When you treat others with such fairness and respect. The power you use comes from your self-assurance and not from intimidation or bullying. Are better problem solvers – they feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution. needs. This is because there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggression. he showed a total lack of regard for the needs and feeling of his employee. you take what you want regardless. When you are assertive. you need to work on the following skills to develop your assertiveness.it requires being forthright about your wants and needs while still considering the rights. that boss was being aggressive. some definitions are helpful when trying to separate the two: Assertiveness is based on balance .
Developing Your Assertiveness
Some people are naturally more assertive than others. Are less stressed – they know they have personal power and they don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or expected.
When you act assertively you act fairly and with empathy.it requires that you do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights. demonstrated assertive behavior when she informed her boss that the work would be done. you have the basis of self-confidence. The employee on the other hand. If your disposition tends more towards being either passive or aggressive.For example. but it would be done after she returned from vacation. She asserted her rights while recognizing her boss' need to get the job done.
. by dumping it on his employee at such an inappropriate time. is the boss who places a pile of work on an employee's desk the afternoon before that employee goes on vacation. Are doers – they get things done because they know they can. However. and can quickly find common ground. but it is a skill that can be learned. You are well liked and people see you as a leader and someone they want to work with. he had work that needed to be done.
Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behavior:
Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for the how people react to your assertive statements (e. anger. then you have the right to say or do what you want. By understanding how to be assertive.Value yourself and your rights:
Understand that your rights. As long as you are not violating someone else's needs. I statements
. you can quickly adapt these techniques to any situation you are facing. Stop apologizing for everything. Suggest an alternative for a win-win solution.
Assertive Communication Techniques
There are a variety of ways to communicate assertively. your needs must be met. This is the granddaddy of assertiveness!
Know your limits and what will cause you to feel taken advantage of. Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times.
Identify your needs and wants. You can only control yourself. Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others' needs in the process. Do say what's on your mind. Go with what is right for you.
Receive criticism and compliments positively:
Accept compliments graciously. Recognise your rights and protect them. thoughts. either.
Learn to say "No" when you need to. and ask for them to be satisfied:
Don't wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait forever!) Understand that to perform to your full potential. Control your emotions.
Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner:
Allow yourself to be angry. But remember they are not more important than anyone else's. but always be respectful. but do it in a way that protects the other person's feelings.g. Allow yourself to make mistakes and ask for help. Accept feedback positively – be prepared to say you don't agree but do not get defensive or angry. resentment). Know that you can't do everything or please everyone and learn to be OK with that. needs and desires are just as important as everyone else's. Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your rights. feelings.
Change Your Verbs
Use 'won't' instead of can't' Use 'want' instead of 'need' Use 'choose to' instead of 'have to' Use 'could' instead of 'should'.". this is the third time this week I've had to speak to you about arriving late. Remember though. Let's all sit down and come up with a plan to get it done. you just need to put off saying anything. I'll get back to you within the half hour." or "I feel. I feel strongly that we need to bring in a third party to mediate this disagreement. The technique involves getting more and more firm as time goes on. You might be too emotional or you might really not know what you want.Use "I want. Dave.
. If you are late one more time this month. regardless of the consequences you give. It may end in you telling the person what you will do next if you do not receive satisfaction. Escalating Assertion This type of assertiveness is necessary when your first attempts are not successful in getting your needs met.. "I need. you may not get what you want in the end. recognize how the other person views the situation: I understand you are having trouble working with Arlene." to convey basic assertions. your request has caught me off guard. Ask For More Time Sometimes..however. Be honest and tell the person you need a few minutes to compose your thoughts. John. express what you need: .
Broken Record Prepare ahead of time the message you want to convey: I cannot take on any more projects right now. I will activate the disciplinary process. Empathic Assertion First. this project needs to be completed by Friday. Then.
Will you do it as a personal favor? I'm sorry.
Scripting This technique involves preparing your responses using a four-pronged approach that describes:
1. Jacob. Seriously. keep restating your message using the same language over and over again. You didn't give me any indication of this. my boss insists this gets done. then together we can turn this around.
. 4. Eventually the person is likely to realize that you really mean what you are saying.
Once you are clear about what you want to say and express. The consequences: describe the positive outcome if you needs are fulfilled. The event: tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem. 3.During the conversation. I'll pay extra for you accommodating me. I cannot take on any more projects right now. that's good. If you use it to protect yourself from exploitation. This frustrates me and makes me feel like you don't understand or appreciate how important financial controls are in the company. I need you to be honest with me and let me know when we start going significantly over budget on anything. dishonest and bad. I value our past relationship but I simply cannot take on any more projects right now. I cannot take on any more projects right now. I would like you to work on the Clancy project. which meant that I was completely surprised by the news. However if you use it to bully someone into taking action that's against their interests. I'm here to help you and support you in any way I can. it's manipulative. it is much easier to actually do it. If you trust me. the production costs this month are 23% higher than average. 2.
Tip: Be careful with the broken record technique. Your feelings: describe how you feel about express your emotions clearly. I cannot take on any more projects right now. Your needs: tell the other person what you need so they don't have to guess. Don't relent. this is really important.
But in our experience. or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage. That can't be good for anyone. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour. and reach solutions. by practicing the techniques presented here you will slowly become more confident in expressing your needs and wants.
What is the Art of Saying No It's not Assertiveness Not Nice . And it means standing up for yourself even in the most difficult situations. that people don't say anything at all. but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they've finished everyone else's. As your assertiveness improves. There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon.Key Points
Being assertive means knowing where the fine line is between assertion and aggression and balancing on it. say. Of course. It means having a strong sense of yourself and acknowledging that you deserve to get what you want. and although it won't happen overnight. Assertiveness can be learned and developed. there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it. so will your productivity and efficiency. or who swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something they don't want to do. could be a sackable or disciplinary offence. there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity. In some cases it is indeed. and in. or get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on. the police force. Start today and begin to see how being assertive allows you to work with people to accomplish tasks. how to say no without ever saying the word. or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done. solve problems.Not Nasty Managing Feelings Saying No The Nice Factor Book Change Yourself to Change Others
What exactly is The Art of Saying No?
A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. we created a body of work to address it.
. After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed. or agree to things they'd rather not.
they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty). (getting your voice heard. or in our jargon . becomes the recipient. getting your own way)
. which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable. Before we discuss them. stand your ground. So yes. There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. be a broken record . like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor.
It's Not Assertiveness
Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and assertiveness training. no it isn't. We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around. Well. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed. is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no. people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive. do have a peek at the book. For a more in-depth look. It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused. we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do. What we've seen with assertiveness. The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time. The key word here is appropriate.simply too nice for your own good.all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive. being understood. For instance. Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in. but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it. being taken into account. aggressiveness may be appropriate.This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that we even wrote a book that deals with it: The Nice Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?) This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book. When. The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small. and someone not involved. but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate. in fact. deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. and here's why. assertiveness may be appropriate. though. The concept of asserting yourself. then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same.
Not Nice Not Nasty
This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed.
humour. a sign that something new is happening. because there is choice in the matter.) Many people think that in order to be assertive.
It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. nasty . It can include humour. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in. telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation. Therefore. you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing.nice. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave. because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences. while their heads say 'no'. The key point here is that the behaviour . It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. but still. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. aggressiveness. they know what they could do. Using charm. Once people do that. playfulness. in looking at practising 'the art of saying no'. their mouths say 'yes'. If you add a dash of fun or mischief. manipulation. it feels as though every similar situation will be the same. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.
. While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment). you ignore those feelings at your peril. At this point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening. may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. We emphasise the word key. submission. the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing. irresponsibility. They can choose it because they want to. etc. not-nice. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult.is chosen. In fact. The idea of choice is very important. they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like. rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances. rather than another difficult mountain to climb. they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. Many people know what they could say.needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect. it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming more assertive. it is to their advantage.
This also works when you're on the phone. bars on the window and burglar alarm. I'm going to interrupt you.) It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of.. Which would you burgle?
. but I just can't.) Pre-empt. So to avoid the inevitable. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something). Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage. 'I'm really sorry. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them.' Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour.
Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:
Let's say you're a burglar. stand up. that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).Saying No
Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'. they will think you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever. avoid encouraging body language.' Pre-empt two. pre-empt. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. such as nods and ahas. bars on the window. 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose. they could get the impression you're interested and willing. 'I need to let everyone know right at the top. Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as. If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want. Wish I could help you out. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you're saying. If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge. a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don't want. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. If you're saying something serious. let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want.. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. You can see it coming. notice whether you smile or not. you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. Keep your body language as still as possible. All the while they get no message to the contrary.
What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at 'the art of saying no'. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family. When approaching someone about behavior you‟d like to see changed.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work. they will naturally keep coming back. It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives. people can get a sense of being in charge of situations. rather than labels or judgments. label or judge. but now it‟s 11:50. friend. You become more burglarproof. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right. friends and co-workers more easily. We've all heard this from a colleague." 2. stick to factual descriptions of what they‟ve done that‟s upset you. or feel intimidated by. who habitually arrives late for your plans.
Changing Others by Changing Yourself
A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with. none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome! Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships.When you make it easy for other people. we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves. By using some of the tools outlined above. rather than being victims to what other people want.' 'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. just describe:
." Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30. I'd be much happier. then I wouldn't be so frightened. Don‟t exaggerate. has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date. Then everything would be all right. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. would change. or when we're feeling hard done by. reducing drama and stress. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. A polite but assertive „no‟ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Difficulty: Average Time Required: Very Little Extra Time
1. partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me. Here‟s an example: Situation: Your friend. Inappropriate: "You‟re so rude! You‟re always late.
don‟t forget to listen and ask questions! It‟s important to understand the other person‟s point of view as well.”
1.” When used with factual statements. put into factual terms). A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again. tone. 5. it comes off as more of a judgment or attack. rather than judgments or labels. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight. Here‟s a great formula that puts it all together: “When you [their behavior]. and I feel undermined. and relax. If you start with “I”. and I feel frustrated.” Here are some examples: “When you arrive late.” 5. especially if you think they‟re negative. then [results of their behavior]. more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. and puts people on the defensive. 4. 2. the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. For example: „You Message‟: “You need to stop that!” „I Message‟: “I‟d like it if you‟d stop that.” “When you tell the kids they can do something that I‟ve already forbidden. I feel attacked.
.” Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm. if you start a sentence off with “You”. this formula provides a direct. I feel [your feelings].” 3. and less blame. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met. some of my authority as a parent is taken away. and looks like this: “When you [their behavior].Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined. Simply put. Don‟t assume you know what the other person‟s motives are. and I feel [how you feel]. but pleasant. When in a discussion. Also.” 4. non-attacking. For example: “When you yell. it shows more ownership of your reactions. I have to wait. 3. look people in the eye. Use a firm. Use “I Messages”.