Crumpets Last Go-Round A playlet by Lauren Friedlander Character List: CRUMPET, 50s, sinewy and strong SAMSON, 30s,

husband of DELILAH DELILAH, 30s, wife of SAMSON MISTY, 18, the new gal CRUMPET, SAMSON, DELILAH, and (eventually) MISTY all wear the same sleek, black uniform. SCENE I Split scene. CRUMPET, in silhouette, in a hot coal oven. Flies abuzz. CRUMPET merely twitches his muscles to flick them off. He is sweating. The top half of his uniform dangles at his waist. Very ceremoniously, he puts a bit in his mouth. Elsewherea typical office break room. Fluorescent lights. A plastic potted plant. A coffee machine. A vending machine. DELILAH sits at the table, opens a take-out salad, squirts on the ranch dressing. SAMSON gets a soda from the vending machine. His pizza pocket whirrs in the microwave. DELILAH (between enormous cuddy bites of salad): I got my tarot read yesterday. SAMSON: So thats where you were. We were completely out of groceries(the microwaves dings, and he pulls out his pizza pocket)Becky was hungry and all we had was half a thing of hot mustard and you know how she gets DELILAH: hangry, I know SAMSON: So I made her a hot mustard sandwich with the heels of the bread. It was the height of sad. DELILAH: Im sorry. Ill go shopping on our next day off. I just needed some time for myself. SAMSON: Right, you were saying? Your tarot? DELILAH: Well I dont even wanna go into it now. SAMSON: You started to say

DELILAH: No, youre going to make fun of it and I just would rather not go into it. SAMSON: How much did it cost? DELILAH: UGHHH. SAMSON: How much? DELILAH: Five dollars. Five dollars. Thats what, a fifth of our monthly entertainment allowances SAMSON: We nixed the entertainment allowances last month when the Duchesswe nixed that. (Uncomfortable silence. They chew loudly. Meanwhile, CRUMPET attaches blinders to his head. Meanwhile, a young girl enters the break room with a bulky paper bag in hand. She is dressed too fancily.) SAMSON and DELILAH (clumsily covering their full mouths): Hiii! NEW GAL (giggling politely): Oh hi! (SAMSON and DELILAH smile and cover their mouths and put up one finger meaning, Just a sec, and grunt and chew their food and swallow loudly. DELILAH puts down her fork and gets up to shake the girls hand.) DELILAH: You must be the new gal! NEW GAL: Yeah, Rachel. SAMSON: Samson. DELILAH: Delilah. SAMSON: Rachel, huh? NEW GAL: Yeah, Mr. Cisco said to come to Samson and Delilah for a name and a uniform, so SAMSON: Thats right, thats right. (Wiping his mouth with a paper towel.) Before your first go-round, huh?

NEW GAL: What? Oh right. This afternoon. SAMSON: Feeling limber? DELILAH: Oh shut up, Samson. NEW GAL (giggling politely): Oh, I think so. I carried a family of five across the park, for my audition. Nailed it! (She does a little embarrassed fist pump.) DELILAH: Woah. NEW GAL: Yeah, Im strong, though I dont look it. SAMSON: Well no wonder Cisco likes you. DELILAH (rolling her eyes at him): So sweetie, you need you a name. NEW GAL: Right. DELILAH: Right. So. Just to give you the run-down. There are typically three categories of names Cisco likes to have represented. Theres Native American, Dessert, and Weather. NEW GAL: What about SAMSON: Delilah and I came as a couple. So we got a couple name. Thats one exception. DELILAH: The Duchess was another exception. You didnt get to meet her. But if you had, youd see why she was an exception. She was justwellshe was the Duchess. (Weird moment.) Lets just say you have some big hooves to fill, hon. (CRUMPET attaches heavy iron hooves to his hands and feet.) NEW GAL: She soundsquite grand. (She makes a face at her word choice.) SAMSON: Ha, sheyeah. She was certainly royalty around here. Shame you couldnt meet her. NEW GAL: Im sure. How much could she carry? DELILAH (changing the subject): And then theres Crumpet. Maybe youll meet Crumpet. He keeps to himself for the most part, these days. But hes Dessert, obviously. So that leaves Native American and Weather. Cisco usually likes tribe names Comanche, Apache, Cherokee

SAMSON: What about Cheyenne? DELILAH: Hmmm (DELILAH looks the NEW GAL up and down. The NEW GAL giggles and mock-presents herselfis she worthy of Cheyenne?) I dont knooowCheyennes a little SAMSON: Well never mind me. DELILAH: What about weather? SAMSON: Stormy, Sunny, Windy DELILAH: Misty! SAMSON: Misty. MISTY: Misty. DELILAH (patting herself on the back): Its a gift. (They go back to their food. MISTY joins them. She plops her feeding bag on the table and begins attaching straps to her ears.) DELILAH: Oh Samson, look how cute! She brought a feedbag for her first go-round! SAMSON: Give her a rest, shes trying. MISTY: Oh, I thought SAMSON: Some people still care. Some people arent so jaded. Youre in good companyCrumpet uses a feedbag too. DELILAH: Well, Crumpet isCrumpet does a lot of things. (CRUMPET begins to draw a wheelbarrow full of dumbbells.) MISTY: Newbie alert, I guess. SAMSON: Here, Misty, why dontcha cheat a little (He gets her a Honey Bun from the vending machine, which she gingerly nibbles. SAMSON and DELILAH, however, continue to chew vulgarly. Lights down on the break room. CRUMPET spits out his bit, takes off his hooves, and straps a feedbag to his ears and eats. After a moment, food goes down the wrong pipe. He swipes the straps away and coughs for a long time. He has to sit down.)

SCENE II Later that daydinner break. SAMSON is heating up a Cup o Noodles. DELILAH is making a smoothie. DELILAH (over the whir of the blender): Ive had some awful go-rounds the past couple SAMSON: WHAT? DELILAH: I said Ive had some really hard SAMSON: WHAAAT? (SHE stops blending. She pours it into a cup and puts in a straw and sits.) DELILAH: Christs sake I said Ive SAMSON: How was I supposed to hear you over the DELILAH: Ive had some difficult go-rounds the past coupla weeks, have you? SAMSON: Oh yeah. I just had a double date, musta been eight hundred pounds altogether, easy. Plus Cisco steering, and hes not a small fella. I think he pitied mehe was light on the whippings this time. DELILAH: Oh good. But seriously, where are all the small children? It seems like Ciscos passing them all off to Crumpet. SAMSON: The small children, the svelte couples, sad singles, all. I dont blame em. Crumpetswell, hes no chipper young colt. DELILAH: Dont talk about that. SAMSON: I know, what with the Duchess last month. DELILAH: Dont talk about that. SAMSON: Have you seen him practicing behind the lot? DELILAH: You are such a gossip. I thought we were working on positive perspectives with Doctor SAMSON: He wears these hooves

DELILAH: Beckys picking up on our overly-critical outlook SAMSON: You know its because of the Duchess. You know its because they shot her. (Pause.) DELILAH (sad): Samson. SAMSON: Hes no young colt. DELILAH: No. (MISTY enters with an enormous energy drink, French fries, and a box of fettuccine alfredo. Shes sipping from her drink and some goes down the wrong way. She coughs. Tears in her eyes. Shes wearing her uniform.) SAMSON and DELILAH: Hiii! MISTY (croaking): Hey. SAMSON: Now thats the meal of a gal whos had her first go-round! Remember our first meal, Dee? DELILAH: Big fat burgers. With cheese. SAMSON: Its tiring work. Enjoy it. (MISTY recovers, sits, and commences scarfing.) DELILAH: Howd it go? MISTY: Six bridesmaids. Six. DELILAH: Oof. MISTY: I mean, I wasnt expecting such a big load my first go-round, but that was fine. What I couldnt believe was the traffic. SAMSON: Yeah, they dont tell you about the tailpipes. MISTY: Hour-and-a-half ride, of course, six bridesmaids, and my nose practically up this cars exhaust pipe the whole time! And random people coming up and petting me and poking me and DELILAH: Right, its like, hello, did you pay for that privilege?

MISTY: And the heat. DELILAH: Its supposed to be in the hundreds all week. MISTY: Is it always this hard? SAMSON: Were going through a rough time; thereve been some staff changes DELILAH (shooting him a look): No, sug, youll get used to it. Itll be a breeze. Well, not a breeze butyoull pass a lot of time coming up with ways to spend your day off. MISTY: Oh God, a day off. Is it sad Im looking forward to that already? DELILAH (laughing): Ah, youth. Dont worry, youve got the knack, Mist, I can tell. Ive got a sense for these things. SAMSON: She really does. (CRUMPET is decked out with bit, hooves, barrow. He pulls. He reaches a breaking point. He collapses, coughing. He settles himself. He takes out his bit, takes off his hooves, discards the barrow. He takes out his feedbag. He takes out a cheeseburger. He eats it slowly, but with enormous bites, until he is finished. He goes to sleep.) SCENE III A week later. SAMSON, DELILAH, MISTY, all at the break room table. We hear nothing but their chews, many coughs and hacks and sniffs. They all look exhausted, sun-burnt, dirty. SAMSON eats a hot mustard sandwich made out of the heels of bread. DELILAH eats from a box of kids cereal, finds a toy, looks over it calmly, then puts it in her purse to give to Becky. MISTY eats plain macaroni onto which she pours ketchup. They all slurp on Frozen Cokes. In the other room, we see the bit, the hooves, an empty feedbag, an empty wheelbarrow. Flies abuzz, more than ever.