This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
This is part one of a five part course called “Clumbsy Little Earthlings” to do with apologizing. Hopefully you didn’t say to yourself in a sarcastic manner, “Oh great. Apologizing.” but if you did, that’s about the normal response people give when hearing of such a topic. That doesn’t matter. What matters is your level of consciousness which shows your awareness and openness to change instead of going through life like a zombie. Why do people hate learning about the topic of apologizing despites its tremendous powers? I believe many people think like this for 3 reasons: 1. They think they know how to apologize. Just like the many people who have not began learning earthling communication newsletter and this course. 2. Live through - Learn to live with your mistakes as they will always exist. So to have better relationships and live a more enjoyable life that will always be filled with mistakes, you need to learn to apologize. But wait… There is a problem each of one us is most likely facing. Apologizing is difficult. Guilt ensnares us in its cage of lies and pride as we defend our self-centered minds. We are ensnared in what we think of ourselves by holding onto our pride. We can be selfish and not willing to admit our most obvious mistakes. Pride eats away at us as we argue, or at the other end of the continuum, ignore the mistake. Guilt ensnares us in its cage of lies and pride as we defend our self-centered minds. The Effects Not Apologizing has on the Other Person Shifting the focus away from you, what does not apologizing do to the other person? They feel hurt that you are not willing to communicate your mistake. They lose trust in you as you hide behind your mistake avoiding reality. They become angry towards you wondering why you will not tell them the truth. They may begin to counter your lack of apologies by not apologizing themselves and from this the relationship goes downhill as the two of you get caught in a power struggle. It’s happened to me. I had too much pride and selfishness to apologize to a loved one I had hurt. When I did want to apologize, I couldn’t bring myself to facing the other person. This is the pride I’m talking about. Maybe apologies come difficult for guys because we’re expected to be dominant. It’s like the joke a guy never asks for directions when lost. I’m not making excuses, but this is my observation. Ladies are more emotional than guys and are willing to express it. Still, both genders wonder how to correctly apologize.
Powerful Benefits in Apologizing If you feel I haven’t given you enough reasons to start apologizing. By not apologizing you are merely sweeping dirt under a rug. We become greater than our desires. It doesn’t work that way. You become your own person. I’m sure most Christians are aware we all constantly sin and make mistakes despite our desires to do what is right and good. other people you come across are more able to do the same. We are only Earthlings. They see you apologize for your mistake and compare it to their contribution to the mistake or another mistake they’ve made. Apologizing is giving back what you have taken. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. If you make a mess with someone. . Our parents taught us if we make a mess. You no longer need to cover up your behavior as you have brought it into the light. If we were cars. You restore the victims feeling of worthiness and selfesteem. By taking action and guiding your thoughts and feelings. 5. we’d breakdown every 50 miles and require servicing just as often. Who would have thought there is this much power in apologizing! You can start harnessing the power of apologizing by following a little of your parent’s advice. Yes. But we are not mechanical beings. We all are extremely flawed. They may become aware that what they have done is far worse then your mistake which produces guilt and possibly leads them too also apologizing. We are Earthlings who reside on a planet of mistakes and apologies are an absolute necessity to bring balance in our lives. If someone hurts you it is justice to have them apologize to you. 6. They feel absolutely useless. put in hard work to clean it up. clean it up! This rule carries over into our relationships with others. 8. 4. This principle is more so true for children. You need to stop hurting the other person and yourself by apologizing to them. They own more courage to begin practicing the power of apologizing. By not apologizing you are covering up your actions hoping to get on with life. Take responsibility for your mistake. You can say apologizing has a “chain-reaction” affect. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire theirs. Apologizing produces guilt in other people for the better. By having complete responsibility of your actions you possess an enormous amount of self-control. A child cannot be expected to accept other’s mistakes that damage how they feel of themselves as being a part of life. When apologizing you begin to fix the problem you created and the healing process begins. You act as a role model and an encourager. You are taking action on the relationship by apologizing. That is an entire different mindset to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to “secretly get by”. You take responsiblity for your mistakes by learning to apologize. You begin to create your own destiny. Thank goodness for that. Don’t expect someone else to clean the mess you made in your relationship. This takes courage! Your newfound courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to face upto other difficult issues you had avoided in the past. You do not become a victim of others. their entire self-concept goes straight in the bin.You need to communicate your mistakes. 3. 9. that’s the suck reality. A mistake you made is like a scratch and by not apologizing you are making the scratch a deeper wound and rubbing salt into it. here are more reasons and the amazing power of apologizing: 1. 7. not apologizing is that powerfully destructive. The problem will reappear and bite you when you least expect it and at the worst time. When a person is continually damaged from someone else’s actions and lack of apologies. When asking for forgiveness you rise above your destructive inner desire to not show remorse and you become a far greater person. Yeah. By sincerely apologizing you show effort in a relationship. That is one of Murphy’s Law which states that the worst thing will happen the worst way and at the worst possible time. you stop blaming others for what has happened to you and your relationships. 2. When you admit your mistakes and don’t hide your weaknesses.
You are also going to learn about something called a non-apology apology. I am sure you would have used this technique sometime in your life as a way of escaping a situation where you did not want to apologize. It greatly helps your understanding and success if you not only know what to do. Maybe you do not have the guts to confront the person face-toface. You will be glad you did. As explained in part one The Power of Apologizing. The second part reveals to you the barriers and problems many Earthlings face when apologizing to people. Barriers to Apologizing You know how important apologizing is now. That itself is truly powerful and opens communication right up.Barriers and Mistakes Made in Apologizing: Part 2 6 March 2007 | 14:40 | Conflict Management. Being humble. and problems in apologizing are discussed. but you just can not bring yourself to doing it. By consciously challenging your fears and knowing exactly what you are afraid of you will be far more self-aware and be prepared for interpersonal communication success. Common barriers. Learning the correct actions and methods to apologize is not enough. If the fear is minor. you just simply need to tell the person your fear and why you have it before apologizing. a lot of “fizz” could come out. The primary fear I would say people are afraid of when apologizing is the idea that apologizing puts down your protective shield leaving you vulnerable for an attack by the other person. Anger. They think the problem is best left in the dark and apologizing will bring it to light and worsen the problem. calm. confrontation. mistakes. we often do not apologize because of fear. The fear completely irrationalizes our minds blurring our thoughts as to what we actually fear. By apologizing you could be ‘opening up a bottle of softdrink’ and depending how shaken the two of you are. . Why are you scared? Do you even know what you are afraid of? Our fears possess extreme amounts of power that many times we do not even know why we are afraid. but also what not to do. If you are into politics you definitely would have experience with a non-apology apology! Anyway. I encourage you to build your confidence and throw away your pride. and losing a self-centered approach will ensure this controlling fear does not prevent you from apologizing. Happiness | No Comments This is part two of a five part course called “Clumbsy Little Earthlings” to do with apologizing. A part of this fear may actually be real because the topic you are discussing could be bottled-up inside of you and the other person. You fear the ramifications of your actions. Maybe you are experiencing excessive workloads and stress. a lot of ‘fizz’ could come out. and frustration will shoot-out when either of you are shaken up and have not opened up too the other person. If this is the case. By apologizing you could be “opening up a bottle of softdrink” and depending how shaken the two of you are.
but one example is Bill Clinton’s remarks regarding the Lewinsky scandal. It was said about his talk. The children are unknowingly taught by parents to say “sorry” to please their mum or dad and not actually mean the apology. With this train of thought you think the other person receives a superior power over you.” That is absolutely filled with non-apology apologies. From a young age we continue to shy away from true apologies by creating something called a non-apology apology. and balance exists with you and the other person. Monica Lewinsky and her family. The two of you are on the same team and need to work together. You will later on learn more about timing your apology. By not apologizing you are weak because you have an extreme imbalance between your courage to apologize and your big headed ego. These adorable people are jammed packed with this type of apology. President Clinton confessed his relationship with Lewinsky was “wrong”. You have a fear of responsibility for your own actions. look no further than politicians. A non-apology apology is a comment that we feel compelled to say to please the offended person. I said something I shouldn’t have. Do not expect the person to treat you like an angel. He said: “He made an inappropriate remark. and I apologize for that. There are no winners or losers. You apologized!” Yeah right. If you are after an examples of non-apology apologies. also my friends. These words they are taught do not sink into their minds as they miss the true reason to apologize. your courage rises. and the American people. After all. I do not mean to pick on politicians. which was wrong. my Cabinet. I certainly do not blame the little fellas. Your goal in apologizing is not to keep what pride you have alive or to let the other person ‘win’. I’m better than you. Part of the President’s speech that made it a non-apology apology is: “It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine: first and most important. and I reacted inappropriately. When asking for forgiveness. That is no typo. They are then later taught to apologize by saying “I’m sorry”. A Non-Apology Apology: Most Common Mistake Parents teach their children to say please and thank you very early on. your self-centeredness lowers. Another likely barrier to you apologizing is that you are scared apologizing is a sign of weakness. when he apologized for fans booing the American national anthem: “We apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this incident. you did screw up otherwise you would not be apologizing in the first place. my staff. The apology is dependent on the condition someone was hurt and implies the offended has something wrong with oneself.You must remember that being scared of facing the person is coming from the desire to protect yourself. that Clinton aimed to protect what he had done. Montreal Canadiens’ President. You should be aiming to keep and develop a good relationship.” Another non-apology apology I came across was NFL’s Detroit Lion’s president Matt Millen who used an inappropriate term for gays when confronting a fellow NFL player. “Bahaha. Each of you are 50% in the relationship. Some more examples: . If you do not own up now. but failed to experience guilt. except with the non-apology apology we say it to please the other person out of our own self-will. it will come back at you harder and at a worse time. And I apologize to anybody that I offended with that remark.” It has become a trend in public apologies to say sorry if you hurt someone. my family. It is almost an extension of a forceful apology when we were young by our parents. Another example I found of many was Pierre Boivin.
Remember that a successful apology is accepted and the mistake is no longer held against you. you will have successfully apologized when the person forgives you but it doesn’t mean your relationship is the same as it was before you made the mistake. Knowing what not to do will guide you with what to do. These tips will help you in ways beyond apologizing.” and you’ve destroyed your apology by making it a non-apology apology. frustration. This is a shallow and poorly defined understanding of what we try to achieve when apologizing.• • • “I’m sorry for not mowing the lawn even though it does not require cutting. bitterness.” “I apologize if I hurt anyone. . It puts the onus on those we upset by implying the victim has something wrong. By overcoming these barriers and mistakes you are now ready to heal your relationships and strengthen the damage that set the two of you apart by learning to correctly apologize. Resentment. anger. The person neither rejects your apology by saying something like “no need to apologize” nor holds your mistake against you. If you keep screwing up by making mistake after mistake. The tips can be applied in many areas of your life and communication as you will soon see. Part three of this course provides you with a guideline of more effective communication in your everyday life to enjoy better relationships. Whether your relationship is stronger. Becoming aware of these common barriers and mistakes will get you ready to successfully apologize. Happiness | 2 Comments This is part three of a five part course called “Clumbsy Little Earthlings” to do with apologizing. and other outward manifestations of hatred are erased. It is something you say to please the other person while protecting yourself. You try to shy away from guilt and responsibility by using a non-apology apology. indifferent. I feel guilty that I’ve let you down” All you need to do is replace the first sentence with “I’m sorry if I lied to you. Someone who experiences these emotions are signs the person has not forgiven. The goal of apologizing and what I define as “apologizing correctly” is when the person you hurt accepts your apology and forgives you. There is no remorse and sorry similar to what I explained with how most young children apologize. check out this apology: “I’m sorry I lied to you. or worse is beyond the apology but depends on the severity of the mistake. The person forgives you for your mistake.” “Please take my apology if you were offended by what I said. Some people think apologizing correctly is as simple as saying “sorry” for a mistake. gossip.” To show you how easy and delicate apologizing is. Part three provides tips on how you can correctly apologize. How to Apologize Correctly: Part 3 19 March 2007 | 20:11 | Conflict Management. Do you see what kind of apology a non-apology apology is now? We use non-apology apologies to take the heat off ourselves to keep the offended person quite. ill will.
then it is not the bandage’s fault. stuff up. It is human nature. If you hurt the person by saying something offensive. A reoccuring problem needs to be dealt with instead of expecting an apology to make amends. Planning helps you eliminate the potential room for error of making another mistake when apologizing because we fail. and other outward manifestations of hatred are erased. Forgiveness and forgetting are closely tied together but are entirely different things. anger. gossip. guaranteed technique to successfully apologize. “We must not forget. If the wound is repeatedly reopened. ill will.The person forgives you for your mistake. Without it. This technique is about preparing yourself so you give a sincerely successful apology. They cannot forget the pain you have caused them. Apologizing correctly can be very difficult.” “I’m deeply sorry for those who I may have offended. One question remains. The little voice that is trying to take you away from accepting responsibility and apologizing is your ego. I feel it is important to note that apologizing correctly can only do so much as you will learn in part five of the course. Plan Planning what you are about to say by thinking your apology through beforehand or writing your apology down to clarify your thoughts will increase your chances of successfully apologizing. and make mistakes all the time. frustration. but with the following tips you will be fixing your mistakes and repairing your relationships. In reality. someone can only forgive you so many times before they lose trust in you. It would be foolish to not learn from the past. Having defined a successful apology. but we must forgive”. bitterness. Sometimes you will need to suffer your mistakes and bear their punishment.Barriers and Mistakes Made in Apologizing . Forgiveness heals the past releasing ill will against the person and not forgetting is a memory of the pain that guides future actions.” Remember a non-apology from part two . it’s almost humanly impossible to forget another’s mistake. I want you to challenge them. However. Resentment. Should we forget other’s mistakes and if other’s forget our mistakes does that mean we successfully apologized? If another person holds the bitter memories and resentment of your mistake against you then the person really hasn’t forgiven. There is a lot of confusion about the old phrase. . Have you ever thought deeply what this truly means? Instead of just accepting these phrases we were brought up to believe.” Own up to the mistake and take responsibility regardless of your intentions and whether it truly hurt the person. Egos are filled with deceitful lies and pride trying to deter you from responsibilility and owning up to your mistakes. Apologizing can only be a bandage on a wound where it helps heal the pain. fool proof. enormous amounts of resentment build up which only hurts the person unwilling to forgive and not the person who did the damage. Master these tips and you will be equipped with the tools to repair the emotional damage caused from your mistakes.where it involves putting the blame on the other person while simulatenously ‘apologizing’? Remember the politicians and public apologies? Here are examples of a non-apology apology: • • • “I apologize to those I hurt because of their loss.” “Please take my apology if you were offended by what I said. There is no iron-clad. Responsibility Admit you hurt the person. admit that you made the mistake and do not say they “Shouldn’t be offended by what you said. We know forgiveness is a must.
what. obviously you should say “sorry” straight away instead of apologizing at a later time in writing or until the next time you see them. you may need to wait for a later time to apologize until the emotions cool down. why. it may be necessary to give the person time once you have apologized. Timing For a little problem you need to apologize straight away and prevent it from growing into a big one. the other person’s reaction will let you know. The same lesson in planning to achieve your life goals carry over into apologizing. it is hard enough to think of what you want to express yet alone say it in a non-destructive manner. when.)) For a more serious problem.When intense emotions are being spat-out like in an argument. When explaining. You start off by saying “I’m sorry for not taking out the garbage…” then your selfishness can kick in and you say “…but I always take out the rubbish and you don’t ever do it!” Explain the problem. Intense emotions are blinding to successfully expressing your thoughts non-destructively. A plan gives you guidelines of which to act from helping you to keep on track and not deviate with relationship damaging statements all too common in emotionally intense situations. Planning nutures “golden” relationships. You do not need to explain everything. to shift the explanation onto the other person. Use the who. take the time to get in a good environment where you can honestly apologize and where they can safely respond. that you should have understood them better. if emotions are hot and intense. It is tempting when explaining your mistake. You need to show sorrow about your actions. Success stems from the seeds planted with planning. As said earlier in the course. Share the other person’s pain by reflecting your feelings about the mistake by saying something as simple as: . Letting your apology seep in could be what makes your apology successful. but don’t divert it into being the other person’s problem. It is very simple. but if you do not. that you let your anger get the better of you. If you accidentally step on someone’s foot. Communicating sympathy is important to let the person know you are hurting from your mistakes. Provide the person with extra space to let the person come to terms with what has happened. Do not hurt yourself and the other person more by “going into a boiling room” so to speak by trying to apologize when the two of you have red hot steaming emotions. that you were ignorant. Do not take this advice lightly. . In addition. or whatever the case maybe. explain to the person that you did not see them there. and how to get you started in explaining your mistake. just say what you think will help the most and will clear up the understanding between the two of you. Planning your thoughts before going “live” with your apology will drastically increase the likelihood of a successful apology. Depending on your mistake. (I’m sure the person will think you have got some serious problems if you write an apology for stepping on their foot. do not forget responsibility. Explain Why did you make the mistake? Do you even know that you made a mistake? You should be able to realize when you hurt someone. Sympathy Sympathy is an expression of pain the person you hurt is likely feeling.
There is but a few issues that need to be addressed. Failure is a result not a person.” “Having scratched the car. Your gratitude will bring many more great events into your life. Finding the Art of Forgiveness: Part 5 7 April 2007 | 12:24 | Conflict Management. we sometimes get a little kick of happiness seeing the other person also suffer from their actions. then part four of the course on alternative ways to apologize will be of your assistance as well as part five on what to do when you are not forgiven. and enjoyable relationships as a result of forgiveness? The Ugly Duckling I will give you the quickest overview of the ugly duckling story you’ll ever hear with my “brilliant” story-telling capabilities. The duckling ran away from home. How Did It Go? Was your apology a failure? A failing apology has got nothing personally to do with you. Was your apology successful? Congratulations. The other person becomes more understanding and willing to discuss their feelings because you have expressed yours. I feel guilty that I’ve let you down. What do you do if a person is not willing to forgive you? Are there certain communication skills you can use to get the person to forgive you or should you just move on and accept the person’s unwillingness to forgive you as their problem? Is there are an art to forgiveness and how do we find it? How can we forgive others and start experiencing more happiness. Interpersonal Relationships | 13 Comments This is the fifth and last part of the course called “Clumbsy Little Earthlings” to do with apologizing.• • • “I’m sorry I lied to you. You could even say the other person is happy to receive this little bit of secret revenge by seeing you suffer. In the course we have covered just about all you need to know for a successful apology and healing relationships.” “I feel I have let you down and hurt our relationship by yelling at you. success. Basically the story is about a duckling who was different to his brothers and sisters. I feel ashamed that something so careless will hurt our finances. It . It was frustrated with its difference and sought acceptance from others.” A common misunderstanding with sympathy is you are focusing on yourself and diverting attention away from the hurt person. You will reduce your pride and become more focused on how others feel. Happiness. Be grateful for the person’s forgiveness and for a second chance. Sympathy is about showing the person you too are suffering from your blunder. You are opening yourself up by showing the mistake had a bad effect on you. If you are certain you successfully applied all these tips and your apology did not work. I mean if someone hurts us. You may find your relationship becomes stronger then what it was before.
you must be aware of the fault and know how to forgive. apply. and others who use to tell me “Come on. family. With the complexity of human behavior it is very difficult to create unbreakable skills that will work every time. change. the person maybe willing to accept your apology at a later time. Say you have done everything in your power and the other person not forgiving you is based on his or her own problems. When the duckling came back to its home the other swans welcomed the once ugly duckling as part of their group. Awareness applies in being aware of the fault at hand and knowing the art of forgiveness. relationships. learn. There are skills you can put to use to get a desirable response in others.returned to its place of birth a year later. I will read. Some people will never accept your apology. No one can do that which he or she is not aware of. quite a few times there is the ugly duckling. Likewise. Over the years I have come to notice that while there are laws and principles which govern how to get the most out of communication. In order to forgive a person. This is using the timing tip taught in part 3 of the Clumbsy Little Earthlings course. they still did their best. the ugly duckling is the person who is not willing to forgive you. to get them to do what you want. It relates to our natural and forever lasting imperfections. used good timing. If you move on. planned. The players at that point in time actually performed their best like we all always do. do not expect them to forgive you or have a similar reaction. hockey. and to build healthy relationships yet the skills have an exception like the ugly duckling. and happiness. or football. I was astounded and felt compelled to disagree with it due to my conditioning I had received from sport coaches. The sports coach in yelling at his players stimulates a new awareness that they are not trying as hard as they could be. There is only so much you can do in any area of life. success. While the players may have been under performing and can do better. You can do better then that!” Your best performance is based on your present level of awareness. Do not get bogged down on someone else’s grudge against you. and reapply skills in my life and help others improve themselves yet we all still fail at things we set out to achieve. and explained yourself as taught in the earlier lesson how to apologize correctly and the person does not forgive you. It also covers the situation when you are not willing to forgive another person. You always achieve your best. Applying this law of awareness to our communication and relationships. What the coach does is create a new awareness in the players which allows them to perform better then their prior performance. This ugly duckling is the unusual exception to the group. No one can do that which he or she is not aware of. You can only do so much. A sports coach who revs up his players about not doing their best is in fact still right yet this is misinterpreted. when you manage to forgive someone. move on. Whether it is all of a sudden losing your calmness as you emotionally lash out in an argument or missing an easy goal in soccer. In our situation and what this last part of the course covers. Different Awareness Did you know that you and everyone else always does the best they possibly can at that point in time? You may feel you could have done better in past situations but the truth is you did your best. Life goes on and so should you. A greater awareness can be created . Forgiveness is about letting go of the past and getting on with life. If you have taken responsibility. There will always be those people who do not forgive you. When I heard this for the first time. sympathized. You can definitely still put some of the following skills to use that will help the person find forgiveness but be prepared to move on and not expect anything in return. you cannot forgive others and they cannot forgive you if one’s level of awareness is not high enough.
By shifting their awareness you can transition them into becoming more forgiving of you as you expand their initial understanding and open their mind with what could be. Even though you forgive every other person and your parents on other problems. By not forgiving someone over just one issue. To demonstrate how one issue can damage a person’s whole life. The example is about being poorly raised by your parents. You hold this mistake against your parents. Secret Art of Forgiveness: Whose Canvas Is It? . Just one. Not only do I gain further knowledge in teaching others which improves my life. This may seem religious to you. negative emotions and actions. and experiences which we apply to the present and this forms our current level of awareness. so lets say you have experienced this from your parents. I have found that teaching other people communication and personal development skills has given me a greater level of personal awareness. on every issue. hatred. This one issue is enough to make you unhappy for your entire life. Though you are now someone who forgives everyone because you’ve learned from this Clumbsy Little Earthlings course that you need to forgive others. resentment. anger. there is enough potential in the resentment and anger generated from that problem to damage the person’s life. understandings. and lone unforgiving issue is enough to ruin a person’s life. they will suffer more than you will. Just like others. success. and every time or you will experience the negative effects of not forgiving. You can live in anger based on one topic that destroys your happiness and causes other factors in your life to crumble around you. you have not been able to forgive your parent’s for the way they have raised you. there is one principle in the secret art of forgiveness I live by that changed my life and will change yours as it allows you to forgive others over issues you thought you never could get past. You build up various negative emotions that destroy your life. Alright. grudges. Do not be that person who cannot forgive. I’ll use an example that I know many people struggle with. That’s right. This is a part of finding the secret art of forgiveness. We all have different perceptions. To do this. and envy begin with not forgiving. Clear your mind by clearing the other person’s slate of mistakes. individual. and enjoyable relationships. You may never even have talked about this problem with anybody in your entire life. You may have been abused by your parents at an early age. Effects of Not Forgiving The root of evil. single. my level of success is determined by my personal awareness. you cannot forgive your parents for this one problem and as a result you constantly experience anger and resentment. If someone else does not forgive you. Someone may not forgive you because they are unaware of the secret art of forgiveness which you will soon uncover in this article. generating severe emotional pain. but the fact is rejecting someone else’s apology and not forgiving them causes these effects.from learning the skills and mindset one must have to forgive which leads to problem identification and a solution. You need to forgive every person. An unwillingness to forgive is damaging to one’s mental well-being and this damages one’s physical well-being. solo. but I try to shift other people’s awareness so they can achieve personal and relationship success more rapidly then they thought possible. Finding and knowing the art of forgiveness will allow you to experience more happiness. exclusive. The mistake they (or your Mum or Dad alone) made hurts you deeply. You can not afford to let this happen by not forgiving. Perhaps they made some wrong decisions that negatively affected your life.
One question remains. “We must not forget. There is one mindset that changed my life forever and allowed me to start creating forgiveness. You can only forgive another person when you make the choice to be happy instead of right. you are finally able to relish the happiness you were born to experience. It is about making the choice that you want to be happy instead of right. The secret art of forgiveness lies in throwing down the shield you are holding up in your life on the ground and acknowledging that what you are trying to do in making the other person unhappy by holding a grudge is in fact only making you unhappy. Have you ever thought deeply what this truly means? Instead of just accepting these phrases we were brought up to believe. It does not mean you accept the person’s behavior or trust the person. healing past problems. You will at last begin painting your life the way you want it to be instead of the past destroying your creative imagination. Forgiveness is not easy but by acknowledging the fact that the only person you are hurting in not forgiving another person is yourself. Should we forget other’s mistakes and if other’s forget our mistakes does that mean we successfully apologized? If another person holds the bitter memories and resentment of your mistake against you then the person really hasn’t forgiven. Forgiveness and forgetting are closely tied together but are entirely different things. frustrated. We know forgiveness is a must. enormous amounts of resentment build up which only hurts the person unwilling to forgive and not the person who did the damage. The gun we are firing is in fact off target and the recoil is hurting ourselves. Are you interested in creating a master piece by forgiving others? Are you ready to begin painting your life and taking control of how you feel? Are you willing to no longer let the past mistakes of other people make you angry. Forgiveness heals the past releasing ill will against the person and not forgetting is a memory of the pain that guides future actions. What you think is doing others damage is in fact hurting yourself. Only then can you take advantage of the secret art of forgiveness and free yourself from your hurtful past. and truly getting own with life instead of worrying about past problems others have inflicted on me. The art of forgiveness is not about who is right and who is wrong. What forgiveness does is give you a clean future despite a dirty past. eliminating the blame-game from my life. it’s almost humanly impossible to forget another’s mistake. We hold our unhappiness and hurtful past against those whom we have been hurt by in an effort to reciprocate the damage they have done to us. you will never be released of your hurting emotions. and communicate the fact . In part 3 of this course I said: There is a lot of confusion about the old phrase. make sure you have entirely forgiven them. If someone is not forgiving you for your mistakes. We think we are messing up another’s piece of art but we are in fact scribbling on our own piece of art. When we are unwilling to forgive we think our unforgiveness is hurting the person who hurt us. I want you to challenge them. and resentful? Are you interested in how you can apply this secret art of forgiveness in others so they are more likely to forgive you? The secret art of forgiveness lies in throwing down the shield you are holding up in your life on the ground and acknowledging that what you are trying to do in making the other person unhappy by holding a grudge is in fact only making you unhappy. The truth of the matter and finding the art of forgiveness lies in knowing your hurtful attachment to the past is not doing others any harm but is only hurting your emotional well-being. However. letting go. If you see the person as having done wrong and you are right. Without it. but we must forgive”. Forgiving a person does not “let them off the hook”. It would be foolish to not learn from the past.I believe there is one true life-changing secret in finding the art of forgiveness.
you can. the lady has little self-reliance causing her to feel empty. What you are doing here is educating the person in an indirect manner so your passive advice will not be rejected. A callus eventually formed. and other feelings of ill-will that are common in those who do not forgive people. I grip the pencil awkwardly. The world becomes “unfair” as they “always” feel they are picked on. and act. You must take responsibility for how you feel. When I did a lot of writing. In doing so. It is far easier to forgive another over something you feel they have not taken from you if you become bigger than the problem. When you wear a poorly fit shoe. We get hurt from a new type of pain or intensity of pain that we’ve never experienced before. my awkward grip would cause the pencil to rub against the edge of this middle finger’s knuckle thus making it sore. The next time we experience a similar painful event. she feels unhappy for weeks and sometimes even months after the break up. the sensitiveness and pain eventually subside as your body creates hardened skin. Wouldn’t it be nice though to not have to experience such pain? Well. It is far easier to forgive another over something you feel they have not taken from you if you become bigger than the problem. My thumb is perpendicular to the pencil and my index finger runs directly down the pencil. The women become reliant upon their men for feeling fulfilled. resentment. Stop being dependent upon other people to make you feel a certain way. The first one is becoming more self-reliant.that you thought you were hurting the person but you were only hurting yourself. it will increase the person’s awareness and they will be more likely to accept your apology and forgive you for your mistake. She becomes incapable of forgiving her ex and as a result. it hurts as your foot rubs against the shoe. Stop letting the little things emotionally eat you up. I know of a lot of women who expect a man to fulfill their emotional needs. like in school. you will become more “hardened” and not as susceptible to little or big problems you would once dwell upon. the more writing I did. Unless you want to join a boot camp with me yelling at you all day here’s two quick techniques that you can use to develop emotional calluses so that you do not become filled with bitterness. In turn. but they have troubles in forgiving others because they frequently feel victimized. we are less sensitive to what takes place and are more competent to handle the emotional pain. When they break up. The emotional calluses will allow you to move on more easily instead of dwelling on the past as all types of resentment involve resisting the past. As I do now. Emotional Callus I have a weird way of holding my pencil.). not only have a low self-esteem. Maybe that’s why my handwriting is still messy . However. The second technique is to stop acting so small. This left the pencil to rest against the last knuckle of my middle finger. Yet when you continually wear the poorly fit shoe. . A person cannot hurt you unless you give them power to. hurt. From this hurtful experience. I was stubborn and stuck in my habitual ways. the harder the skin would become and the less easily irritated it would get from its constant rubbing against the pencil. Human nature gave us the same emotional characteristics as these physical characteristics. our minds create an “emotional callus” that “harden us”. think. and unwilling to move on. You can drastically reduce the resistance when forgiving others by developing a habit of being to big for petty problems. The people who so often whine and complain over little problems being “so bad”. Just about all my school teachers have attempted to change my pencil grip yet I refused to change. There are some psychological aspects you can change to toughen yourself up.
Josh. resentment. Nothing annoys them so much. build the courage. As you apply parts of the course. Are your expectations in the person to high? Unreasonable expectations lead to unreasonable circumstances where it can be difficult to forgive the person for not living up to their end of the bargain. “Always forgive your enemies. Despite the ugly duckling.More Materials to Create the Art of Forgiveness Acknowledging the fact that your resentment which you hold onto in an effort to hurt others is only damaging you. I don’t believe you should desire to hurt your enemies. apologize. You will at last take advantage of the powers of apologizing. but here are additional sources to finding the art of forgiveness: • • • • Check out the many powers of apologizing. and encourage others to forgive you. but nothing will make them more satisfied than seeing you beat yourself up over an issue you inaccurately think is hurting them. Expectations determine satisfaction so if your expectations in the person are to high. Oscar Wilde was quoted in saying. The person you are apologizing to will feel loved by you from the open communication as you become less selfish and more considerate of them. the skills will become and feel more natural to you. and experience a healthier mind and great relationships you were born to have.” We are full of mistakes and acknowledging this will help you see another’s mistake as them just being a typical Earthling. You will receive and give a lot of these powerful benefits in freeing yourself from the burdens of being unforgiving. What information I have given you should be enough to help you forgive others. what do I do?” You are only hurting yourself when being unforgiving and no one else. . A mistake filled life is a typical life and each one of us needs forgiveness to move on. bring out your apologies. and other forms of bitterness. You will hurt your enemies more by forgiving them than bottling-up your resentment. Put away your pride. You will experience happiness as you free yourself from guilt. you are setting yourself up for a harder fall. “I can’t forgive my enemies. you are now more able to forgive and encourage others to forgive. will change your life. anger.
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