4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions

of
35
4Moms Kids
Parenting Questions
Answer Y our
4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions
Copyright 2012 by 4moms35kids.com. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Pages specied as "Printable" may be reprinted for single household use. All other rights reserved. 1st edition, March 2012 Contact: 4moms35kids@gmail.com Ordering info: http://4moms35kids.com/ Cover design by Joy A. Miller. Interior layout and design by Marisa L. Boettinger
Table of Contents
Click on a page number to jump to that section in the book.
Introduction ..............................................................................................6
How do you get your family to church on time?

Connie Answers ............................................................................................................9 KimC Answers ............................................................................................................10 The DHM Answers ......................................................................................................11 Kimberly Answers .......................................................................................................16
How do you teach children to be still and quiet in church?

Connie Answers ..........................................................................................................20 KimC Answers ............................................................................................................21 The DHM Answers ......................................................................................................23 Kimberly Answers .......................................................................................................28
How do you prepare children to be around unbelieving family?

How do you keep things fair for all your children?

How do you keep your patience in the midst of chaos?

How do you manage outings with only little ones?

Do you ever feel discouraged or overwhelmed?

How do you make sure your children get enough individual time?
Naps: How important are they? How do you make them happen?
Connie Answers ..........................................................................................................94 KimC Answers ............................................................................................................96 The DHM Answers ......................................................................................................98 Kimberly Answers .....................................................................................................101
How do you nd time for projects that need to be done, require focused attention and which the children cant help with?
Connie Answers ........................................................................................................105 KimC Answers ..........................................................................................................107 The DHM Answers ....................................................................................................109 Kimberly Answers .....................................................................................................111
How do you teach your children to do chores?

How do you teach children to be diligent?

Which parenting style is best?

How do you teach your children about the birds and the bees?
How do you deal with sibling squabbles?

Appendix A: Master Chore List ............................................................185 Appendix B: You Might Be a Large Family If... ....................................189 Fruit of the Spirit Printable ....................................................................191 Sermon Notes Printable .......................................................................193
Introduction
Who are The 4 Moms of 35+ Kids?
Connie Hughes is a former public school teacher turned homeschool mom of 8 rowdy kids. She and her husband of over 26 years raise their children together in the country with chickens and goats, and strive to live a joy-filled life in the noisiest house on their road. That is, they strive for the joy-filled part. The noisy part requires no striving whatsoever. Connie writes daily at Smockity Frocks about homeschooling, parenting, frugal living, large family issues, crafts, recipes, and more, all with a healthy dose of humor. Kim Coghlan is a Christian, a wife, big sister to 13 sibs, and homeschooling mom of 10 children. She lives with her very large family in a very small house in south Texas and finds peace in chocolate and blogging at Life in a Shoe: the methods and madness of one family of 12. Her family shares their little house on the hill with dogs, snakes, lizards, and tarantulas, and a 12 year old cat named Tim. The chickens stay outside. Usually. The Deputy Headmistress is shy and blogs behind a pseudonym which she intended to be amusing and somewhat self-depreciatory. She and the Headmaster locked eyes in a high school Sunday School class in 1980 when she was a 17 year old high school student and he an 18 year old roofer living on his own. They have been merrily married since 1982, in spite of the fact that at 17 the DHM nearly got the HM beaten up by her other boyfriend, and at 20 she and the HM were nearly arrested by a cop from church. Happily God helped her grow up, and He is gracious and forgiving, and so is the Headmaster. They have seven wonderful Progeny both by birth and adoption, two handsome sons-in-law, a growing array of adorable grandbabies (currently four, with a fifth on the way), and two precious unofficial foster sons, ages 7 and 4, who stay with
them most weekends and holidays, and sometimes more.. They have been homeschooling since 1988. The DHM, and occasionally some of the Progeny, blog regularly about politics, frugalities, family life, living in the country, books, music, cabbages, kings, and living the countercultural Christian life at The Common Room. Kimberly Rivera is a second generation homeschooling mom to her 11 children. She is married to an amazingly patient husband, who also happens to be a magnificent father. Their familys primary goal is to glorify God and to raise children who will do the same. For that reason they attempt to examine every decision that they make in the slight of Gods word. Many of their decisions may seem strange to the world and theyre good with that. Kimberly blogs at Raising Olives.
Why This Ebook?

The 4 Moms of 35+ Kids receive many parenting questions through friends, email, blogs, and Facebook. We have compiled our best answers to the most frequently asked questions in an effort to help as many moms as possible.
How do you get your family to church on time?
HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?
Connie Answers
I won't say whether or not I have ever used The Happy Housewife's let kids sleep in their clothes trick, but I WILL say that I do not like to be late, and we are usually on time to church and elsewhere. Here are a few of the things I will admit to doing to make sure we make it to church on time:
Lay out shoes and Bibles the night before.

These are the items that are usually being searched for at the last minute if we don't take this step.
Limit and rotate "special" hairdos.

I don't have time to french braid or curl all seven girls' hair, but I can rotate who gets this done each week. Everyone else gets a simple clip or headband.
Just say no to fancy breakfast fare.

I don't want the clean up or the preparation time a bacon, pancake, and egg breakfast would require. We have cereal, toast, or something else simple on Sunday mornings.
Have a "load up" routine.

We have assigned seating in our van and employ the buddy system to make sure each little person has a helper to get them buckled up in a jiffy. It never takes us more than 3-4 minutes from stepping out the door to heading down the driveway.
FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 9
KimC Answers
The size of the family has very little to do with whether you are on time for church or late. It may exacerbate the problem, but it is entirely possible to be on time with a large family, just as it is entirely possible to be late with no children at all. Ask me how I know. On second thought, dont ask me. I dont want to talk about it. Your ability to plan ahead and execute those plans has much to do with it. Back when I first posted about this subject, I failed to plan ahead and ended up creating an audio post to save time. You can call it cheating, or you can just listen to the audio for a few of my best tips and dirty secrets. You probably know without listening that we are not always on time, but we aspire to do better and we are improving.
The DHM Answers

It's Sunday again already? How did that happen? When? What happened to the rest of the week in between Sundays? And where are my SHOES? That's often how I have felt about Sunday mornings, and, indeed, any other mornings where I have places I need to be. I can give you tips and ideas, but the truth is in our younger days, back when we had a mere two children, we were so disorganized that we once showed up to church and discovered that one of us had no shoes. It was my husband, and he was scheduled to preach. He preached anyway, in his stocking feet. How did this happen? He thought hed left his shoes in the car in order to be more efficient, and... he hadnt. On another memorable occasion, I discovered my preschooler had no underwear on, just as she flashed the speaker that day. There were months and months at one congregation where I felt like God's purpose in having us there was to assist in the sanctification and development of forbearance and charity in some older saints who were much pained by our frequent tardiness. It was painful, because during that period I was actually doing all the things you are supposed to do! No matter how much I planned in advance, the most bizarre things would happen to us on our way out the door or in the first half mile of the drive. Consider the various reasons we were late to church: the key to the car broke in the ignition, a child slipped on the steps and cut her head open, I dropped a jug of milk on the floor and then had to change my milk-sodden clothes, we'd get halfway there and find a kitten in the car (I am allergic to cats and leaving a kitten in the car for a couple hours and then getting back in the same car was not an option), a child would step on the hem of my skirt as I was on my knees helping her sibling, and when I stood my skirt would make a lovely ripping sound and I would feel a draft where no draft should ever be felt, we would discover that the car was dead because a child had gone out to the car the night before to get a beloved stuffed animal, or the barn cats had pooped on the seats since the child had left the door open, and on more than one occasion the snow storm in the night had piled the snow up so tightly against the outside doors that we had to
scoot out a window and then shovel our way out. I am neither exaggerating, nor making any of this up. I know we were the topic of a couple of pointed sermons. The speaker would say things like, You wouldn't be late to a job; why be more disrespectful to the Lord?" and I would rebelliously think: a. I do not have to take seven children with me to work, six of them longhaired girls dressed in prettier and cleaner clothes than they wear the rest of the week, plus shoes. b. I do NOT have an outside job, and if I did, I'm pretty sure I'd be fired for excessive lateness. c. It is not The Lord who is offended. He's seen my morning and I am pretty sure He understands. At some point during this time an elders wife, the wife of the man who preached the pointed sermons, took me aside to give me tips and suggestions on how to make Sunday mornings run more smoothly so we could get to church on time. She had nothing to offer that we were not already trying. I proceeded to explain the things that had made us late the previous string of Sundays, and she just gaped at me. I am not sure if she thought I was lying or if I was cursed, a sort of Jonah who really ought to be tossed overboard before I contaminated the rest of the group and caused all their little ships to sink beneath the weight of our disorganized chaos. I also do not think the two older couples who harped on our lateness ever knew how much they made me dread coming to church. If not for my husband, I would have stayed home any time we couldnt arrive five minutes early, which means wed have missed most services. At least then I know they would have prayed for us. In addition to being, apparently, cursed by some daemon of Tardiness, I am about as organized as the White Queen in Alice. An organized person who splashed milk on herself could change clothes in a twinkling, because there would be another ironed outfit or three neatly hanging in the closet. And then theres my complete lack of any sense of passing time. I think I have some pathological deficiency. I really have no concept of time passing.
There are good points to this. I don't get bored and I coped well when my husband was in the military and had to travel; I missed him, but I had no sense that weeks had gone by. It's all only today, here and now. But there are bad points as well: I cannot judge what is a good time to shoot for, my progress when getting ready, or how long things will take me. I always think I have more time than I do. I'm working on it, but Ive been working on it all my life. It's like I have a great big void where other people have some sense of time. You can wake my husband in the middle of the night and his internal clock is so acutely calibrated he can tell you the time to a minute or two. Me? I don't even have an internal calendar. So there you have itasking me for advice on getting out the door on time is kind of like asking the woman who was divorced six times for advice on marriage. I hope I at least made some of you feel better about your Sundays. Here's my advice anyway, combined with some Awful Warnings: You all know that laying out everybody's clothes on Saturday the night before is the way to go, from shoes and socks to underwear and all outerweareven though the dog will drag away a shoe in the middle of the night and chew it to shreds, or he will lay down across three outfits for a nap after having had a nice roll in a dead rabbit he found outside. Still, it's a good habit to have. No, not rolling in dead rabbits, silly, laying out clothes the night before especially shoes and socks. As soon as the children were old enough to choose their own clothes, my husband had them start picking out their outfits, and I cannot stress enough that this includes shoes and socks, and bring them to me for inspection. Do not accept excuses and assurances, no matter how stoutly given. Never, ever believe that your child really knows exactly where those shoes are. I know that faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things unseen, but call me a doubting Thomas, because until I see those shoes and socks with my own eyes, I have no conviction at all that they exist in my house rather than some black hole. Of course, some days, that amounts to the same thing.
After a few major errors with this approach, there was a period of time where my husband required that the children get dressed from head to toe in those clothes to demonstrate to me that the clothes fit and that there were no holes in embarrassingly conspicuous spots, nor any dreadfully hideous stains, or missing buttons. In short, nothing to make us look even more obviously like an episode where the Beverly Hillbillies Run a Shoddy Daycare than usual. Supervise the return of the clothes to their proper place, or else you know what will happen to them. It's a good idea to do showers and baths the night before, and put longhaired little girls to bed with hair so tightly braided that they look like you gave them a botox shot and the skin on their faces is so rigid that they can never develop wrinkles. I am sure this is why my oldest two girls, both mothers in their late twenties, look about 12 years old. One day they will thank me for this. After you put the offspring to bed early and go to bed yourself, one of the children will probably throw up on another one, so it doesn't really help much, but still, it's a good idea. After all, it is possible that nobody will get sick on a sibling, fiendishly coat a formerly clean sibling in baby powder from head to toe, or, for reasons you will never, ever understand, get up in the night and eat two pieces of pink chalk and then drool pink, chalky, slimy goop into her beautiful whiteblonde hair all night. I have heard of families where this sort of thing never happens. I'd like to meet them in a dark alley, er, I mean, in Heaven someday. It is a good idea to think ahead about meals, although eventually we just ended up skipping breakfast. When the children were smaller, this was often when we had peanut butter sandwiches or granola for breakfast. Either feed the children in their skivvies, or safety pin a beach towel around their necks like a bib. Start prepping a casserole or crockpot meal the night before, and get it in the oven or crockpot before heading out for church. Get up earlier than you think you need to, and go to bed earlier than you want to. My husband gets up first on Sundays, and he puts some praise music or hymns on the CD player kind of LOUDLY. He wakes up any lingering slug-a-beds. Water
may or may not be involved. I can neither confirm nor deny, although I have heard that the children thoroughly enjoy it when, er, I mean, if it ever happens. As your family grows, assign older children to help with younger children. Eliminate any clothes that require ironing. They are a tool of Satan. Move to a climate where sandals are always seasonable, thus eliminating the need for socks, wickedly promiscuous creatures that they are, never staying with their original mate. Pack the diaper bag the night before. Go to bed at a reasonable time. This might mean you should bump all that stuff you're supposed to do the night before up to the morning before. My mother's practice was for each of us to have an outfit known as church clothes. As soon as we got home from church, she made us change our clothes, and then she looked quickly over the Church Clothes to see if we'd done them any damage. If not, she just hung them back in the closet so they would be readily available the following Sunday. In my own family, we just eventually moved to much more casual clothing until the teenage girls got old enough to buy and care for their own clothes. Be cheerful. No matter what. Think through your priorities here: what really matters? That the children all wore matching colors and looked like they stepped off the cover of The Teaching Home? Or that you remained cheerful and in good spirits with each other, and went with uplifted hearts to join other Christians in praise and fellowship, even though somebody's hair was unbrushed, and the preschooler had peanut butter smeared on her cheeks, and one of your sons managed to make it out the door wearing a Star Wars t-shirt featuring Darth Maul? I speak hypothetically, of course. I only have one son.
Kimberly Answers
Getting a large family to church on time is the same as getting a small family to church on time with just a little more potential for excitement. We have company in our home nearly every Sunday afternoon, so much of our plan for getting out the door includes preparing for guests.
Prepare Saturday evening

Each Saturday at around 5 or 6 we stop our projects and prepare for the Lords day. Regular chores are done so the house is clean and tidy The table is set for Sunday lunch We set up extra tables and chairs if needed Food is prepared for Sunday lunch All children are bathed and/or showered We lay out clothes for the next day Family worship The children (and adults) get to bed on time
Set the alarm for Sunday morning

Give yourself more time than you think you need, set your alarm and get up. Dont fool yourself by thinking, I got up early, so I have plenty of time to_________ before I start getting ready. That doesnt work in our house, trust me weve tried it. Get ready first.
Simplify breakfast
Our breakfast every Sunday is a bagel with a glass of juice. Not only is this a special treat for the children, it makes preparation and clean up a snap and allows the kitchen crew to have a more restful beginning of the Lords Day.
Have the children eat and brush their teeth before they get on their Sunday clothes
The reasons for this are obvious, right?
Use the buddy system

Have older children help the younger children get dressed or make sure that someone checks those little ones before you leave.
Unchecked little boy
Checked little boy
Not that weve ever had a kid make it to church without shoes in the winter, but double checking those littles may save you some embarrassment.
Leave time to x hair, make beds and clean up messes

The 6 year old has her heart set on french braids, someone spilled juice on the floor and I forgot to scrub the potatoes for lunch. It seems that we always have those last minute things, so we plan extra time to finish lunch preparations, braid hair or wipe up that spill.
Plan some more extra time

After everyone is ready Mark likes for our family to spend about 30 minutes preparing for worship before we leave. Most of the time this happens for most of our family, but having extra time does provide a kind of on time insurance for those last minute emergencies that tend to pop up, Youd think with all the extra time suggestions that our family would get to church with lots of extra time, but we dont. How about you?
How do you
teach children
to be still and
quiet in church?
HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE STILL AND QUIET IN CHURCH?
Connie Answers
We like to have our children worshipping with us in the assembly, so we do not participate in children's church. For this reason, it is imperative that they learn to remain relatively quiet and still during the duration of the hour long service. I have written about training little children for church before, so you will want to read that post if the word "training" didn't just turn you off forever from reading my blog. Yes, I am aware that our children are not dogs, but I do believe that we should "train up a child in the way he should go", and you may call that teaching or impressing or guiding, but in any case the idea is that goodness and right behavior don't just spring forth from children. It must be instilled. And if you don't believe that last statement, have yourself 6 or 7 more kids. It'll grow on you. The key to having children who actively worship during church, while not distracting the entire row behind you with monkey business is to TEACH them what is expected. The link above will give you some ideas how we teach our children what is expected, and that is not to say that they always do it perfectly. Here is a quiet way to keep even small children engaged and listening intently to the sermon, and see the Sermon Note Taking Printable. When necessary, we take them out to the "cry room" and make them sit in our laps without getting down and with no toys or books for entertainment. When they can remain calm and quiet, we go back into the assembly and they may hold a doll or a book. When we do this consistently, along with the training methods I linked to above, it isn't long before a 15-18 month old child will understand that it is more pleasant to sit quietly in the assembly with a dolly or book than it is to go out and have nothing to hold or look at. That is, unless my husband is out of town and I am locked in the cry room and unable to get out. Then all bets are off.
KimC Answers
If you have 10 children and would like them to be still and quiet in church, I understand. I can help, because some of our 10 children have been known to sit quietly in church some of the time. Hows that for street credit? You expected better? Im just pulling your leg. It may feel this way sometimes but honestly, you can teach and expect your children even toddlers and older babiesto sit still in church without being disruptive to the people around you. As usual, a certain amount of preparation is very helpful:
Give a pep talk before you arrive.

Remind the children of the standard, and let them know exactly what you expect and require from them. Of course this only works for children old enough to understand what youre talking about, but doing this allows you to focus more on keeping the younger ones in line.
Arrive early enough to take care of bathroom trips

before the service starts, then make it clear that all but the very youngest are expected to wait until after the service for subsequent bathroom trips. Remind the older children that they should not encourage the younger ones to use the bathroom during the service just because the older one forgot to take care of her own business beforehand.
Decide if you are going to allow scribbling, quiet toys, etc.

and have the materials ready for distribution with a minimum of whispers, fuss and fidgeting. We allow babies to have one quiet toy, and younger ones may have a pen to write on their bulletins. This is phased into taking notes as they get older. 5yo Perry likes to copy words from the hymnal or bulletin, and this is fine by us if he can do it without asking a lot of questions. Choose your seating carefully.
We tried several arrangements when all the children were young and hit upon a plan that worked beautifully for us. Now that we have 4 teens, we do things a little differently but we still use 2 rows whenever possible. I cant say enough about placing your challenging children directly in front of Dad. :)
Plan for training.

Dont expect to hear every word of the sermon while you have little ones. If you invest time in training now, you will reap bountiful harvests later. Our worship is our service to God, and He is pleased when we train little ones to serve Him as well. He wont mind if you missed part of the sermon yet again.
Have high standards but realistic expectations.

Even babies and toddlers can learn to behave well in church, but theyre still going to make some noise now and then. My husbands standard is higher than mine, and he constantly shows me that they can do better than I expect. On the other hand, they do occasionally make some noise. We invariably find that our disruptions passed unnoticed by most of the people around us.
Dont sweat it.

Do your best, but dont let the process stress you out. Most people expect children to make a little noise, and chances are the people in the next row are totally unaware of the fidgeting and quiet battles of will happening in your row. Its a process, remember? You and your children will have good days and bad ones, and someday youll all laugh over the time your 5yo got her legs tangled in a front row folding metal chair and fell in a deafening clatter right in the middle of prayer.
The DHM Answers

We have seven Progeny. The first five were born between 1983 and 1990. One of them has multiple and severe special needs. For the majority of our time with babies and young children, we have been showered with compliments on our children's excellent behavior in church. Really. I'm not being funny. We couldn't get to church on time to save our lives, but once there, our children were so well behaved that in one congregation my husband was asked to teach a class on parenting. Naturally, during the course of that class our one year old son escaped from me and raced up the aisle to his father in the middle of class. It was about that same time when the Cherub, who had been given physical therapy to help her master the skill of letting go of objects in order to toss them lightly... well, you see where this is going, don't you? After months of failures at the task of opening her hand and releasing a tossed object, one Sunday morning she picked up her brother's Matchbox car and tossed it in a perfectly beautiful arc several pews up, beaning somebody on the noggin with it. So while we have been showered with compliments by the older saints at church, our Progeny are far from perfect, and so are we. Your own children are seldom as disturbing to others as you worry that they are, assuming you are the right sort of parent and do have these concerns about not distracting others during worship. In one congregation we attended there was a children's service on Sunday nights. I never sent my children. I worried that my two year old was distracting to others. I was sure I was getting 'looks' from people who wondered why I didn't send her off. My children were the only children in Sunday evening services in a large congregation with lots and lots of children. Then we adopted two new children. When this was announced, people came up to congratulate us. Most of them, including every single person I thought was giving me looks, assumed my 2 year old was one of the newly adopted children. They not only were not thinking hard thoughts of me for not sending my noisy toddler downstairs with the other noisy kids, they did not even know I had a noisy toddler. All those times I thought they were thinking mean things about me, they were not thinking about me at all. They were probably staring distractedly in my general
direction, wondering if they'd remembered to turn off the oven, put the milk away, or squinting at the back clock to check and see if we would get out of services in time to beat the Baptists to Dairy Queen. Still, the Progeny were all pretty well behaved most of the time during services, so well behaved that the eldest saints would say to their adult children, "See? If that family with all those children can get them to behave so nicely, you ought to be able to manage your two." And then, of course, we had no friends. In addition to our seven, we also have been bringing two little boys to church with us since about 2006.
Here is what we generally did during services.

I did permit toys, and they didn't have to have religious connections, but I didn't permit many. One or two small toys seemed to be best for us. I didn't permit toys that a child could only play with using sound effects. We did bring a couple of books for the children to look at, and I did prefer that these be religious in nature. We also allowed the kids to draw, and sometimes Pip, our fifth child, or I will fold a paper boat for younger children using gum wrappers, the bulletin or a piece of scratch paper. Occasionally I have entertained a child with a simple handkerchief doll (link below). We found the children behaved better the closer we sat to the front. Yes, I have nursed my babies in church, too. We have a rhythm of when we do things. For instance, I did not allow any toys until the sermon started. I do not force singingI do not want young pharisees. But the children couldn't play with toys or look at books during singing. During communion with our two little boys I do give them a mint or a piece of gumthey were not used to church at all, and couldn't understand why we were allowed to put something in our mouths but they weren't. Drawing or writing on paper or looking quietly at a small book is permitted during communion. I gave/give the small people money for the collection. Once the sermon starts, small toys may come out. Again, we don't bring many. One or two is plenty. With my own older girls I got to the point where we brought no toys at all, and this worked well for them. This did not work quite so well with my son or these two little boys who never had to sit still before.
We did practice church at home with our little ones, or rather, I did, while my husband worked. This gave them practice sitting still and quiet on a daily basis (more or less). Our children were never allowed to sit with anybody but their parents until they were around 13. An exception is that the 12 year old can sit with his brothers-inlaw and nephew if he likes, and he does like. Even in their teens, we prefer that they sit in front of us, not in the back. One rule we did consistently enforce was if I had to take a child to the nursery for anywhere else, there was no playing. If we weren't changing a diaper or breastfeeding a baby, the child sat quietly in my lap in the nursery. The toys stayed in the pew. I wanted them to know that NOTHING was going to be more boring than being in the nursery during services. Allowing a couple small toys to be held in the pew but not in the nursery helped reinforce that. I got a lot of odd stares and even challenges from other moms in the nursery, but my children learned pretty quickly that there was a lot less freedom and fun in the cry room than out of it. We were not always as consistent as I wish we'd been, but we believed our children could be quiet and not distract others, and so we acted accordingly. They lived up to our expectations. But we wanted more than merely civil behavior. We wanted engagement, too. A very useful book to use if you have children about three and up is Parenting in the Pew. It's not helpful for younger children because she doesn't think children four and under can benefit from being in the worship service with their parents. I couldn't possibly disagree more strongly with that point, but her tips, philosophy, and ideas for children around 3 and up are excellent. As soon as a child can read, write a short list of words that he will probably be hearing in the sermon. He should make a tally mark every time he hears that word. My mother did this with us when we were small, and I did it with all my children. If your child cannot read, listen carefully to the sermon. As soon as you have a feel for where the preacher is going, whisper two or three words in your child's ear that you expect will be used with some frequency. Ask your child to squeeze your hand every time he hears those words. Make it a contest if that suits your
child's nature: tell him you are both going to be listening carefully, and every time the preacher says, "Temple" (or whatever), you will see who can squeeze the other person's hand first. Change the words periodically, to keep the child's interest as well as keeping the game interesting. When singing, whisper the next line to your child, or give him a short phrase to sing. I did not care if my 3 year old was singing 'God is love' while everybody else is singing 'Come, Thou Fount.' During prayers, give your child a whispered suggestion of somebody he or she can pray for.
Keep notes yourself to quiz the children on later.

One recent Sunday, my questions were something like this: Who are some people we need to pray for? What were some of the songs we sang? What is that song about? Who served communion? What was the sermon about? Who can tell me a scripture that was used? Another one? Another one? The preacher told a story. Can anybody tell me what it was about? What can we learn from that? What Bible characters did the preacher mention? What did he say about fences? Who heard one of our memory verses today? Which verse was it? Who prayed the closing prayer? What did he say in his prayer? Did we hear of any answered prayers this week? What were they? Who was there today? Who was missing? Is there anybody we should send a card to this week? I have quizzed the family on the drive home from church. I have also written my questions on different pieces of paper and put them in a paper cup. We draw questions out to answer while at a picnic lunch after church.
Pick a hymn or three to sing with your children at home throughout the week. Ask for one of those hymns to be sung at church. Hold your very small child in your arms during a song and whisper the words to him just a few seconds ahead of singing them so he knows what's coming and can join in. Sing one of the hymns on the way home from church. Hymns with some repetition are popular with small children. Trust and Obey; Anywhere with Jesus; Low in the Grave; Power in the Blood are all popular with very young children. Hymns do not have to be childish to be loved by children. Please do not dismiss them by thinking they cannot appreciate such glories as Holy, Holy, Holy. During the prayers, whisper quietly and reverently to your child, "We're talking to God together." Help him fold his hands. Whisper something for him to pray for "Mrs. Jones is sick, ask God to make her better... Mrs. Garcia had a new baby, let's tell God thank-you..." My older children keep their own notebook of notes taken from sermons now. A friend of mine does her notebooks this way: Fill out a piece of paper with the following titles followed by blanks: Title of sermon: Text: Related texts: Main point: 2nd point: 3rd point: What God wants me to do in my life: A verse I would like to memorize: Keeping such a notebook is not just useful for church. It gives your children good practice for notetaking for school when they are older. Other posts you may nd useful: No frills handkerchief doll you can make in church Tips from other moms
Kimberly Answers
One of the most frequently asked questions that our family gets in real life is, How do you teach your children to be still and quiet during church? Our answer may surprise you. We arent teaching our children to sit still and be quiet during church. We are trying to teach our children to worship God. With this in mind our approach to teaching our children how to behave during the worship service is different than most. To have our children in the very presence of God distracting them from worshiping God by giving them a snack, allowing them to play with toys, look at books or color does not further our goal, no matter how quiet and non-disruptive they are. John 4:23-24 But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him. God is a Spirit and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth. We believe that Scripture teaches that children should be partakers in corporate worship and that Jesus delights in the presence of children. Deuteronomy 31: 12-13 Gather the people together, men and women, and children, and thy stranger that is within thy gates, that they may hear, and that they may learn, and fear the LORD your God, and observe to do all the words of this law: And that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the LORD your God, as long as ye live in the land whither ye go over Jordan to possess it. Mark 10:14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the Kingdom of God We believe that the act of worship is not for the one who is worshiping, but rather for the one who is being worshiped.
Our goal is to disciple our children so that from the very first moment they are physically and mentally capable of worshiping God in spirit and in truth, they have the opportunity to do just that. Newborns: The goal is quiet. I generally nurse the newborn and hold them while they sleep. Young babies: They learn to sit contentedly in my lap and not talk and babble. (We teach them, no noise with your mouth.) However, most of our 7-11 month old babies love singing with the rest of the congregation and this is something that we encourage. If the worship service falls during the childs regular nap time we allow them to sleep in our arms. Once they give up the nap we encourage them to stay awake. Toddlers: They learn to control those little bodies and to follow along with the order of worship (stand when the congregation stands, kneel when the congregation kneels and pray when the congregation prays). They also learn to pay attention and begin to be able to answer questions about the worship service. One way we help our toddlers practice self-control over their bodies is to give them concrete instructions, so they know what is acceptable and what is not. We DO NOT say, Sit still. That might mean Do not run around and jump off the backs of the pews. to a two year old. We do say, Fold your hands in your lap and look at pastor. or Dont kick your feet. Young children: Each Sunday on the way home from church Mark begins with the youngest verbal child and asks them about the worship service. Each child must tell him something that they heard during the service in order to have Sunday dessert. Our little one might say, He talked about Paul. and that would be sufficient, but we expect more as they get older.
Tips for training children to worship:

Set high expectations. You may be surprised at your childrens capabilities. Remember that they are children, they are not always going to be still and quiet, they are going to have bad days, they are going to get distracted and they are going to embarrass you.
The process is important, not just the end result. Be considerate of others. Training our children to worship God is important, but it shouldnt be accomplished at the expense of others being able to hear and follow along with the service. The time for this type of training is during family worship. Sit in the front. This makes it easier for the children to see the pastor and less likely for them to be distracted by others. Sit in the back. Depending upon where you and your children are in the learning process, sitting in the back may be a better option. Ask questions. Mark quizzes the children on the way home from church. This is a good way to evaluate how plugged-in to the sermon they actually were. Be consistent. If the standard is hands folded in their lap, then hold them to that standard. Most of our younger children have needed little to no correction to learn how to behave in church simply because they watch their older siblings and know what is expected of them. Enjoy. Even though its not the purpose of keeping our children with us in worship, it is a beautiful benefit to be able to look down the row and see all those little profiles looking up at pastor and participating in worship. You may be interested in mores specific ways we train our children to sit through family and corporate worship.
How do you prepare children to be around unbelieving family?
Connie Answers
The holidays are particularly rife with interactions with friends and family members of differing beliefs since many folks come together for the only time all year for special celebrations. drinking/abstaining smoking/non-smoking pro-life/pro-abort Homeschool/public school nursing/bottle feeding spanking/non-spanking hospital birth/home birth Christian/unbeliever Republican/Democrat whole foods/processed foods Any time a group of people comes together there is bound to be disagreement on a variety of topics, especially when the beliefs are firmly held. But disagreement doesn't necessarily have to mean contention for mature, considerate people. The key to disagreeing amiably is the mature and considerate part. If one party in the disagreement is lacking either of those characteristics, then all bets are off, and as for me, I like to avoid conflict especially at festive holiday gatherings. Since children, by definition are not mature, their only hope of gaining the skills to deal with differing beliefs is to watch mature adults (hopefully their parents) deal graciously with those around them who may not see eye to eye on beliefs firmly held. And when I say graciously, I mean that no one likes to drink out of a fire hydrant. Sure, we can blast away at the person who doesn't believe homeschooling is a good choice, but will that really change their mind? Or will it only firm their resolve to hold on to their beliefs more tightly?
HOW DO YOU PREPARE CHILDREN TO BE AROUND UNBELIEVING FAMILY?
Remember the story of the wind and the sun? Each boasted that he would be the first to make a traveler remove his coat. The wind blew with all his might, but it only made the traveler clutch his coat more tightly around him. When the sun had his turn, he shone his rays warmly, and the man eventually took off his coat. Let's don't be the wind. I would say history shows us it is a waste of energy to try to force someone to change beliefs. This doesn't mean that I give up my beliefs or alter them in order to get along. No. I am much too stubborn for that. It means that since I value peace that I lay aside my disagreement to enjoy fellowship with friends and family. Shine. And let the person be persuaded by your warmth. Your children will see and learn.
KimC Answers
Honestly, this is very nearly a non-issue in our family for at least 2 reasons: 1. The unbelievers in our extended family are enormously outnumbered by the believers, and even the unbelievers were raised as believers. They are the ones making waves in this pond, not us. 2. The holidays that come to mind the ones that have the potential to be problematicare Christian holidays in nature even though unbelievers often choose to celebrate them with us. Again, we have the high ground here. We are not on the defensive. This doesnt mean that all of the rest of us attend the same church and see eye to eye on every issue, but 98% of us call Christ our Lord and Master. Our children have learned from our discussions at home and by listening in on broader discussions that with those few family members who disagree, we stand our ground politely but firmly when religion comes up. They also understand that we will not throw our pearls before swine. Those who were raised as Christians and have rejected the gospel dont need to hear the gospel again; they need to repent. We pray for God to soften their hearts, and encourage them when they will hear us. We pray that having been raised in the faith, they will return to it in the years to come. I am thankful that while we grieve for those who have turned away from the faith, it is rarely a source of family drama. We enjoy family gatherings and the Christian fellowship that flows out of them. This is one of the blessings of being a 2nd or 3rd generation Christian! If you are in a different situation, I know it may be difficult now, but just think how much better it will be for your children in the years to come, when they can gather with their believing brothers and sister, nieces and nephews, in-laws and outlaws. Wait, maybe that last part is just my own family.
The DHM Answers

At first glance, it would seem like a lot depends on what we mean by unbelieving family members. Are we talking about brother Joe, who is a staunch atheist but polite enough not to pick a fight over the mashed potatoes, or Uncle Frank, who gets drunk and passes out in the mashed potatoes? Are we talking about Aunt Jean, who hates children, or your cousin Sally who is fond of regaling children with stories of her bar-hopping escapades? After all 1 Corinthians 15:33 Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners. On the other hand, such were some of you, and frankly, the family member we found to be the worst influence on our children was a child from a staunchly believing family. Try to understand as well, that from the perspective of your unbelieving relatives, you might be the problem relations. Many years ago a five year old of ours used to draw little pamphlets with Bible verses copied on them and slip them under my unbelieving brother's door with little hearts and flowers and notes about how much she loved him. He was often not home until she was in bed, hence the notes beneath the door. To be honest, we didn't feel comfortable about it at all, and we wished she wouldn't do it, but, on the other hand, we didn't feel like we could make her quit, either. We were young, she was younger, it was unchartered territory for us, and we and my younger brother believed in some level of autonomy for children. It was an awkward dilemma all around and we could never be sure if we were right for wishing she wouldn't or if we were just abject cowards. My dad did ask her to stop, but she felt very strongly that this what she should do, so we let it go. It had no effect on my brother, so far as I know, other than irritation. I also find it not a little ironic that in spite of his much vaunted belief in not imposing ones views on children, he has always erroneously chosen to believe that we 'coerced'
her into doing it, when the opposite is true. Yes, he has been told it wasn't our idea and that we did nothing to encourage or discourage her. Her efforts to convert him were lovingly and kindly meant, and she was not insulting or belittling about it. I have known of other situations where the children were less kind and more prideful, and I find this disturbing. Shortly before the family togetherness and mandatory fun activity, prepare your children for problematic issues you know are going to come up. Don't ask Aunt Marissa where Uncle Bob is. He is with his new wife and Aunt Marissa does not want to talk about it. You may not be rude to Grandpa, but if he tells you to do something, no matter what it is, you say, "Yes, sir, I need to ask my Mommy first," and then come get me. Uncle John uses words we do not use in our family. We will not embarrass him, because he has his reasons and we love him, but you may not use those words yourself. Your cousins will want to play video games, but you are not allowed to play any video games tomorrow, so find something else to do. These are a combination of rhetorical possibilities and a couple real life examples we have actually dealt with in our family. I do not know the problems that might come up with your family. These sticky situations are complicated by the fact that people are individuals. This means the best way to deal with the in-law who has been married six times and drinks too much might not be the best way to deal with the other in-law who has been married five times and also drinks too much, and incidentally, was once married to the party of the first part and together they produced your spouse. Family can be complicated, right? And these are all hypotheticals, of course, except for the ones that aren't.
Make your own plans for activities for your children and any other family members to do. Print out bingo games or make your own. Collect a list of some fun group gameshere are some old fashioned parlour games. Here's a list of some of our family's favorite games, both games you play with stuff you have on hand, and some favorite purchased board or card games. Plan a simple craft activityhere are some ideas. Play karaoke, sing songs on your own, enlist your kids' help with dishes and table clearing When something constructive is going on, it's harder to find time for drama, sturm und drang, and mischief. There are also things you should be doing on a day to day basis all year long. Develop your relationships with your children so they love and trust you and your judgment. Teach them discernment through the reading of good literature (and I don't mean Elsie Dinsmore). Pray for all your family members and make sure your children know that you do. Invite them to join you in praying for these family members. I am not talking about using your prayers as a cover for character assassination:God, you know what a mess Aunt Glorianna is. Fix her, Jesus, because she's too rotten for words. If thats the kind of prayer you have, its wrong. Stop it. Jesus looked over the stubborn, lost people of Jerusalem, lamented their refusal to be gathered tenderly like a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and wept. Do you love your troublesome, quirky, drama-drenched, Hatfield and McCoy family members with the same love? Me, neither. Let's work on that. Love covers a multitude of sins.
Kimberly Answers
Children who are prepared to be around sinful believers (that would be everyone) already have the basic skills necessary for being around unbelievers. My assumptions for this post are that you have a vibrant, active and healthy relationship with your children, that your children would naturally desire to come to you with questions and that you, the parent (not peers or others), are the main influence in your childrens lives.
Pray.
James 1: 5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nuture and admonition of the Lord. Saturate your children in the Word of God. This is the best defense one can have against error, attack or unbelief. (Ephesians. 6:10-20)
Dont be afraid to talk with your children, but dont force it.
There probably is no need to sit your 4 year old down and tell him, Great Aunt Cecilia is not a Christian. However, we have found that as our children have matured, theyve come to us with questions about how a friend or family members words or actions dont align with Gods Word. This is a great opportunity to, first of all, remind them how often their (and our) actions do not align with Gods Word and that we are not able to judge a persons heart. Its also a good opportunity to speak with them honestly about the situation.
Protect your children, but dont overprotect to the detriment of relationship.

Remember that there is nothing inherently sinful about being in the presence of sinful behavior, (i.e. foul speech, drunkenness, etc.). This is where parents need wisdom to make decisions in each specific instance. If you have your childs heart there is little to fear from occasional exposure to ungodly thoughts, ideas and attitudes. We are after all to be in the world, even though we are not to be of the world. Please dont misunderstand the Proverbs are chock full of warnings about ungodly companions. We are to protect our children and must pay particular attention to their companions. Two things we have done in regard to protecting our children is that our children are never left under the authority of an unbeliever and we do not expect them to encounter those who are antagonistic to our faith alone. In other words, we primarily protect our children by staying with them. Teach your children to stand firm with love. This is done by example. As your children see you interact with unbelievers (and sinful believers) with love, compassion and firmness, they will learn to follow your example. Another important aspect of our children learning to interact and respond with love is to watch what we model for them in private. Our children should hear truthful, biblical criticism of thoughts and ideas that are contrary to Scripture, but that criticism should be tempered with humility and love. Often when we are discussing an error of our culture, we take a moment to examine how we fail in much the same way in our own personal lives.
How do you keep things fair for all your children?
HOW DO YOU KEEP THINGS FAIR FOR ALL YOUR CHILDREN?
Connie Answers
In our family we try to very specifically teach that all things are not fair at all times. This isnt to say that we give one child lavish birthday parties and slight her sister by overlooking any special attention for her special day. What it does mean is that we make a point to frequently make our children aware that sometimes one of them will be the center of attention, or the one who gets a new dress, or the one who has the starring role in the Christmas musical, and the rest of us will rejoice with that child, and not be pouty or envious that we werent in the limelight this time. This practically comes into play very naturally in our lives. If we stop at a garage sale and there are some size 8 jeans for a bargain price, then the child who wears size 8 that day gets some new pants! If one child gets invited to a birthday party, we celebrate that fact and everyone admires whatever party favors she comes home with. I do not feel it necessary, and do think it is detrimental, to try to make it up to the others who didnt get the new jeans by providing them with some trinket I wasnt previously planning on purchasing. I have been to birthday parties where the parents of the birthday child provides gifts for the siblings so they will not feel left out. I think this is doing a huge disservice to the siblings of the birthday child and to the birthday child himself. Firstly, the siblings will at some point encounter the laws of nature, which tell him that he is not always the most special person in the room, or equal to the most special person in the room. One day, they will surely not get the leading role in the play, or win first place for their artwork, or so on. How will they learn to handle this with grace if we, as parents, have never shown them how and guided them through it?
Secondly, I think the birthday child deserves to be honored on that one day, above the others in attendance at the party. Life will have disappointments enough. (See previous examples.) Let them have their own special day without trying to make it fair for everyone else.
KimC Answers
I dont. I used to stress over that very question, but my husband finally convinced me that the Everything Must Be Fair mentality is neither kind nor fair. I once had a kind elderly lady give one of my children a big beautiful lollipop while 6 more of my children watched. More than once, I have been faced with the question of what to do when some well-meaning and unthinking soul gives just one of my children a treat often without suggesting that it be shared amongst the onlooking siblings. Fortunately, we have one rule that covers such situations very neatly: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Sound familiar? In Kidspeak, it sounds more like, Dont purposely make your siblings sad. This means that if you have a sweet and delicious treat that they dont have (never mind how you came by said treasure), dont eat it in front of them without sharing. You wouldnt want to stand by and watch your sister do the same. Youthe lucky owner of said treasurehave three obvious choices: 1. Share. This is the preferred choice, and usually works out quite well. Sharing doesnt have to mean everyone gets one-for-one tastes, but it does mean to share as you would have others share with you: cheerfully and generously. 2. Wait. Save your treat for laterwhen hungry little eyes arent fixed on you, or better yet when hungry little mouths have treats of their own. 3. Hide. Or, to put it more subtly, be discreet. Enjoy your treasure, but do so privately. If somebody knows what you are up to and finds you, share cheerfully. If you received and enjoyed a privilege or treat while you were away from the others (for example, at Grandmas house), then you were discreet by default. Continue being discreet by not flaunting each privilege you enjoyed. Be courteous. Of course, there is an entirely separate issue to deal with: that of coveting. The Have-nots may not covet what the Haves have. If a sister gets a treat or a
privilege, the others may drool a little, but they may not show signs of covetousness. This is sin and is dealt with as such. Rather, they should be happy for the blessings that their loved ones receive. Like the right-of-way for a driver, shared portions are to be given, not taken. They are to be graciously received as a gift, not claimed as a right. I think our children benefit from the unfairness in our house: one or two children very often can enjoy privileges that must be denied the milling masses. The milling masses willingly wait, realizing that their turn will come around far more often than if privileges were only extended on a massive scale or not at all. This may mean that somebody stays up late a bowl of ice cream with Dad, because there wasnt enough to go around the whole family. Would you rather it sat in the freezer until it was too frostbitten to eat at all? If everything in life was fair, we would all go to hell and Nobody Else would take the penalty for our sins. Were glad life isnt fair.
The DHM Answers

How can you be fair to everybody? Why would you want to? We strive at best for being just, and we fall short at that. Being fair is not our goal, and a good thing, too, because life just doesnt allow it. For instance, in my family two of our kids have been to Japan and remember it, one was born there but doesn't remember it, and the others have never been out of the country. Since they are mostly all grown up, we will never be taking them. Isn't this unfair? Isn't it important to make sure no kid feels they are getting the short end of the stick? To be fair, if one child cant go overseas, none of them should, right? Or what if Grandma wants to take two kids to Disneyland this year, but you know she probably won't be around to take the others when they get older. Is that fair? The best thing you can do to help kids avoid feeling like they get the short end of the stick, in my humble opinion, is to teach them not to be bean counters, but to rejoice with those who rejoice, to weep with those weep, and not to have a sense of entitlement. When I hear How come he got X and I didn't?" I am likely to respond, "He got chicken pox/a spanking/a stubbed toe/a splinter and you didn't. Do you want that, too? We don't get to pick only the good stuff. We take what comes and learn to be thankful for it when it comes to us, and happy for others when it comes to them." I once read of a family with a lot of kids who would deliberately dish out uneven amounts of ice cream to their kids, and complainers got theirs taken away with a short lesson on thankfulness for what we've got. The next time it would probably be a different set of children who got less ice cream than the others. They learned quickly not not to complain, but also not to spend time comparing what they got to what others got. Honestly, I think that went a little too far for my comfort, but that may be because I am a coward. The theory is sound, however. Children who complain about things being unfair should be working more on contentment and less on measuring what they have against what their siblings have.
Kimberly Answers
Life isn't fair and rather than trying to make everything 'fair' for our children we focus on teaching them to respond biblically to the unfairnesses that they will inevitably face. There are three things we teach our children as they face unfairness. 1. We encourage our children to share in each other's joy and sorrow. (Rom. 12:15, Phil. 2:17-18) It's one of the blessings of being a Christian, we don't walk through life alone and learning how to rejoice in another's blessing without jealousy or discontentment and to mourn in another's trial are skills that all Christians must develop. 2. We encourage our children to do unto others as they would have others do to them and to view each other as more important than themselves. (Matt. 7:12, Phil. 2:3-4) We are born selfish creatures and one of our greatest tasks in life is to learn to think of others before we think of ourselves. In the event that a child receives a special treat, we do not require that child to share, but we certainly don't discourage it and Mark and I are often blessed to see the generosity of our children. On the other hand, even if a child is less than gracious about a privilege, we require a joyful rather than resentful spirit in the other children. It's one of the challenges of parenting, we must try to teach our children to act in a biblical manner and at the same time teach our children to react to sin in a biblical manner. This often requires instruction and correction to both participants in a dispute. 3. We remind our children of God's sovereignty and their responsibility to rejoice in it. The reason for the apparent unfairness in life is not simply happenstance, but rather the decree of a wise and sovereign God. For this reason, any complaint against 'unfairness' is a complaint against God.
God's sovereignty is the root and base of a Christian's contentment and joy in life. It is a contentment and joy that should characterize us not only in times of blessing, but also in times of trial. As our children face the unfairness and trials of childhood, they learn the skills they will need as they prepare for the adult-sized trials that God may one day call them to face.
How do you keep your patience in the midst of chaos?
HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR PATIENCE IN THE MIDST OF CHAOS?
Connie Answers
Chaos? Oh, I've got your chaos alright! (I dare you to try to make it through that 4 minute video without shaking your head and mumbling something about your nerves.) Maybe I should title this "3 Moms Keep Their Patience" because this here mom has the kind of patience that comes and goes. Waxes and wanes. It's not so much that I keep my patience as it is that I entertain it. It stays for a while and then excuses itself until I see it again some time later. I strive to be patient because I know that "Love is patient." I love my children dearly, but I confess that I am not always patient with them the way I intend to be. And I really do intend it. I wake up each morning and set my sites on patience. I tell myself that there will be moments of chaos, and I will be patient through those. The trouble is that I don't always do what I set out to do. Romans 7 19-20 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. When this happens, I must take a deep breath and repent. I ask God to forgive me and give me strength and endurance to manage a large household with love and patience. Then I apologize to my children and I try again. I am only able to really be patient when I remember my one long term goal: To glorify God. If my goal is to glorify God, then being late for church is not worth getting upset about. Kids losing shoes, spilling milk, forgetting they are potty trained, squabbling, whining, or all manner of annoying behavior can not get in the way of my number one goal of glorifying God. I can use each of those scenarios as an opportunity to show loving kindness and patience to my children, and in the process bring glory to God.
These things are so easy to write, but oh so difficult to master, mostly because Satan is a jerk and wants me to get caught up in the chaos and forget about my goal. If I keep my eyes on eternity, I remember that my goal, to glorify God, is more important than an entire gallon of spilled milk.
KimC Answers
Im learning patience today, and its not at the hands of my children. I just lost my answer to this question and had to start over. See? God knew my answer needed to go in another direction, and He knew I needed more patience. Sometimes He improves our patience by giving us another child, and sometimes He uses other means. Incidentally, I looked up some Bible verses about patience in preparation for this question and I think I learned something. When somebody in the grocery stores tells you, Better you than me, because I just dont have the patience for so many kids, she probably isnt talking about being content to wait upon the will of God as He works out His eternal plan for you and the rest of creation. Shes talking about the ability to not explode when the 3yo sends a bowl of cereal flying through the air into the 6yos hair because she was horsing around with the 5yo whom you already told to sit down 173 times. While the Biblical sort of patience certainly helps, I think what we really mean by patient is slow to anger. We have the following verses posted on our walls: Ecclesiastes 7:9 Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools Proverbs 15:18 A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. Proverbs 16:32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Of course well-behaved children are a good start. No child is perfect, and even the well-behaved ones will exhibit immaturity and poor judgment at times, but the simple truth is that its easier to be a joyful mother to obedient children than to disobedient ones. Proverbs 10:1 A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.
Proverbs 23:24-25 The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him. Thy father and thy mother shall be glad, and she that bare thee shall rejoice. But life with children isnt all sunshine and lollipops, so how do you slow down the anger/irritation reflex when things get loud, chaotic, messy, argumentative, smelly, or otherwise unpleasant? I wrote the following in a post called Life with Littles. God doesnt give us the grace, or the energy, or the patience we need for the whole upcoming year all in one dose. He measures it out for us day by day, like the manna He gave the Israelites in the wilderness. Planning ahead is good in general, but when the Israelites tried against Gods command to gather enough manna for the following day they found it rotted. Dont worry about tomorrow. Do your best today. Gods way keeps you coming back to Him. If you start feeling like you can do this all on your own, things are about to go downhill. We do it one day, one hour, one moment at a time, with lots of prayer. Does it help to get angry when food goes flying? Probably not. Just choke it back this once, and force a smile. Ask God to restrain your anger and unkind words. Help them clean up their messes, and deal with disobedience as necessary. The next time childishness happens, choke back the irritation once more. Just this once. And againand again. If something really epic happens and you feel the urge to get angry, distract yourself: start composing the blog post in your head. Well, it works for me With practice, youll probably find that irritation is not your automatic reaction, and the smiles come without forcing. This is motherhood, and its very much the same whether you have 1 child or 11. You are being sanctified every day, and God is using your children to do His work in you.
The DHM Answers

An alternative title for my section of this chapter could be: In Which the Deputy Headmistress ponders the deep question, how can one keep something one never had in the first place?' When the kids were younger and I could make them go everywhere with me, we got a lot of comments. It wasn't just that there were seven of them, it's also how stair-stepped they are. At one time there were three in diapers because of The Cherub's special needs, and later, I only just missed having five teens at once. Two comments that made my darling Progeny snigger were: "Ohhhhh, you must be so patient to have so many children." And "Ohhhh, you must be so organized!" I'm not either of these things. Which you gather from the fact that these comments made the Progeny snigger. Rather than keeping my patience in the midst of the storm, more often than not, I am the storm. I'm not proud of this, but I'm not going to lie to you about it, either. After all, most of the Progeny do read what I write from time to time and they'd notice. At our house five minutes after we should have already left the driveway, you know who's running around like a wild thing, hair unbrushed, barefoot, and still trying to button her blouse straight while shouting, "Has anybody seen my PURSE? I can't find my SHOES!!! Would SOMEBODY PLEASE find my cell PHONE? Why isn't my Kindle EVER where it BELONGS?!!!" Well, I'm not going to tell you who. You'll just have to surmise, that's all. For all you know, it could be my non-verbal Cherub. If I were the sort of person who had enough patience to keep it in the midst of a storm (or even a light sprinkle), these are the sorts of things that would probably have helped me in my journey toward becoming that kind of a grown-up:
Maintain a Sense of Humor.

This is such a saving grace. If you cant manage it, pray that God gives you a few Progeny who do. The Equuschick has it in spades. Several years ago the family was traveling across the country in two cars, not even going on the same roads. The van with the majority of the family in it was in a bad accident, and my husband was airlifted out to another town for multiple surgeries, which is why he now has a metal plate in his arm, leaving the children at the hospital alone while the police tried to find me and get me reunited with my kids. It was most of the day before I could rejoin them. The head of the hospital put our family up in his home for the night, and as the Equuschick and I finally collapsed into the bed we were sharing that night, she said, "Just so you know, I did make sure we all had on clean underwear." We collapsed into helpless laughter, biting our pillows to keep from waking the entire household with our howls of laughter. It was just what we needed.
Pray.
When our second grandchild, the little Striderling, was born, grey, lifeless in appearance, mute, still, while his midwives worked over him with calm, measured speed and grace I dropped to my knees and prayed. Oh, how I prayed. Striderling's other Grandmama joined me immediately, we clutched hands and prayed through that storm of desperate agony in a too quiet room. Striderling whimpered, but we continued to pray, as did thousands of others around the world for the next several months. We are still meeting people who tell us they are praying for this small miracle boy. But you know what? Everybody prays in the snowglobe of life situations and we don't always get the hoped for answer we have seen with the Striderling, do we? I have also dropped to my knees to pray (though with slightly less intensity) for lost library books, sick goats and kittens, a hostile child, a leaking roof (leaking is a bit of a euphemismI think we had more water inside than out of the house), and things as mundane as missing car keys.
Self-medicate with chocolate.

I hope I do not have to explain this. If you need an explanation, can I just have your chocolate?
Go ahead and cry.

Then laugh at yourself. Even if 27 guests drop in while you are trying to sell the house and your septic system backs up and you are washing dishes in a dish tub and dumping the water outside and taking sponge baths for a week and using a camping toiletwith six kids while your husband is doing some military training program that involves long hours of hard study at Starbucks.
Reduce your caffeine intake

except for chocolate.
Eat right and take your vitamins.

Chocolate is a vitamin.
Get enough sleep. Use your spiritual eyes.

Spend enough time in prayer, Bible reading, and contemplation of the marvelous grace of God so that you have the proper perspective on all these things. Patience is one of the eight or so virtues called a 'fruit of the spirit.' Guess how you gain that fruit? It's not by working on becoming more patient.
Practice gratitude.
Be grateful for what you have. Remember these verses: Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; If this seems flippant to you, remember that Paul, who wrote those words, endured being beaten, thrown in prison, starved, battered by a barrage of stones and left for dead, and more. I clung to those very verses in the darkest days of my grandsons early weeks, when I was utterly convinced that he would not live to see his third month, and sometimes not even his third week. The Lord is mindful of our weaknesses, so do the best you can and never stop leaning on Him.
Kimberly Answers
Often when people hear that we have ten children they say, You must have a lot of patience! Im sure there are a lot of reasons that God blessed us with a large family, but I can say with confidence that it was not because I was patient. When I think about patience and avoiding losing it, there are two main ideas that come into my head. One is avoiding situations where my patience will be overly taxed and the other is managing in the midst of those taxing times. For me its important to practice both.
Flee temptation
or avoid situations that will unnecessarily test patience
We train our children to obey quickly, cheerfully and completely.

Often when I begin to get frustrated its because I have allowed a pattern of disobedience to emerge. Ive asked you to pick up your room three times already, which means that Ive already allowed three instances of disobedience. This type of repeated and/or consistent disobedience is frequently a result of my laziness and failure to consistently train my children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Children obey your parents is His standard, not just mine.
I try not to over commit or over schedule.

Kids are kids and they need me, my love and my attention, lots of it. Spending a day (or an hour) on a project may be a necessity, but spending three days (or three hours) on a project may be provoking my children to anger (Col. 3:21). You probably already know that your children (especially little ones) function better when youre not running from place to place, activity to activity, but are able to slow down and spend time focusing on them.
I give myself extra time.

When we have a deadline, I try to plan for an extra half hour to meet that deadline. This allows us to handle a blowout diaper, a disobedient child, a lost shoe, another potty break or whatever else comes down the pike without missing the deadline. However, no matter how much you work to avoid it, stressful situations are sure to come, no matter how many children are in your home.
Cope in the chaos

There is never an excuse for impatience. It doesnt matter what situation I face, I have no right to respond with impatience, no matter what the world (and even our Christian friends) may tell me. 1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Pray for patience

Luke 11:9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
Pray without ceasing

Its very difficult/impossible to get frustrated or angry if Im in the process of praying.
Focus on the goal

Generally my impatience comes when Im focused on me and what I want to accomplish (dinner on the table, clean house, laundry folded). In these instances I view my childrens interruptions as a hindrance to the goal, but I have it all wrong. Dealing properly with my childs interruption is the goal. Peace, love, kindness and regarding others as more important than myself is what my goal should be. When I remember that my goal in life is to serve Christ by serving these children, then Im able to have a right view of the interruptions, messes and chaos that come my way.
Take a break
It can be something as simple as sitting down and reading a picture book or as elaborate as taking the kids to the park for a swim and a picnic, but sometimes you just need to take some time to remember that its fun being a mommy and these kids are some of the best gifts that God has given.
Repent
When you lose your patience and respond to your children in a sinful manner, then be quick to confess your sin and ask their forgiveness and Gods forgiveness. I always use the words, I was wrong. I tell them in what way I sinned against them and I ask them to forgive me.
How do you manage outings with only little ones?
HOW DO YOU MANAGE OUTINGS WITH ONLY LITTLE ONES?
Connie Answers
As for me, and I'm going to be honest here: I'd rather amputate my own leg with a rusty fork than go shopping with only little people in tow. There. I said it. Hate me if you want to. Love me if you can. But as I tell my children when it comes to doing hard things, "It doesn't have to be fun, it just has to be done." In light of that, I'm going to give you my best tips for making the task manageable. I'm not promising it will be any fun, just that it can be done. One of these 3 seater buggies is a HUGE help, if you can snag one.When I have a newborn, I have the choice of putting her carrier in the main seating area and letting the oldest of the littles walk OR wearing baby in a sling and keeping these three littles where they are. Any time I can keep littles from running loose, I am all for it! If you do not have these buggies available to you, practice at home having the children follow you while holding onto an invisible buggy. Make stops at the fridge and the pantry and have them practice waiting patiently while you look over canned goods and fruit. Make sure you clearly explain your expectations. If you want them to always keep a hand on the buggy, let them know. If asking for toys/candy/cereal is not allowed, tell them so. (Yes, we have actually done this!) If you don't expect your children to obey you at home, don't be surprised when they disobey or act up in public. Make sure you go when no one is hungry or tired. Hungry and tired? A recipe for Mommy's Next Nervous Breakdown. Just sayin'. Providing a small bag of snacks to each child will help if you must go when the children will be hungry.
Give the children something to do. Have them "help" you count how many circles, or red squares, or capital letters you can find. They may be able to get cans from the shelf or choose the biggest apples. I have even given each one a quarter to hold. If they act naughty or drop it, I will take the quarter away. When we get ready to leave the store, whoever still has her quarter gets a gumball. Their concern for the quarter keeps them quite occupied! For Pete's sake DONT DAWDLE! Shop, woman, SHOP! No matter how much you have practiced at home and how well rested and fed the children are, there is only a certain window of time their little attention spans can tolerate following you quietly along. Don't expect it to be easy. There are times when I have reached the check out line and have not been all smiles and sunshine. In fact, I'm pretty sure there was probably smoke coming from my ears. Just this week, I had to address a discipline issue with a certain 4 year old in the check out line who stomped her chubby feet and cried loudly because she "didn't get anything". I narrowed my eyes and whispered to her that if she didn't straighten up, she would be "getting something" on the hind end when we got out to the van. She unwisely chose to continue her tantrum, so I fulfilled my promise and spanked her when we got everything loaded up. [Note: I'm not telling you that YOU should spank or WHAT you should spank for. I'm simply relaying to you that we have clearly explained our expectations to our children and we are aware what they are capable of understanding and doing.] Look ahead! One day, not too far in the future, your children will be older and wiser. They will be able to push a cart or hold the hand of a little one. You will be able to send them one aisle over to pick out peaches while you choose chocolate chips. Things will get easier IF you have been diligent in your teaching of what is appropriate and acceptable in the grocery store.
KimC Answers
Once upon a time, many years ago, my children were all little. I had 3, 3yo and under. Then I had 4, 4yo and under. Then I had 5, 6yo and under. Then I had 6, 8yo and under. For most of that period, we had no family within a thousand miles, and my husband usually worked 2 or even 3 jobs. He helped as he was able and available, but during the day I was on my own. I could have run errands during the evenings when he was home but I enjoyed his company and didnt want to disappear on his night off. Yes, I still enjoy his company, and because our children are old enough stay home alone now we can meet in town and run errands together. But because of the circumstances at the time, back then I chose to do all of my errands and grocery shopping with the children in tow. It was relatively easy with one or two. When the third arrived, I worried about the logistics but we quickly figured out what worked for us. Ditto for #4. Each time I knew that I was doing fine with the current number of children, but wondered what I would do when the next arrived. Each time, God provided an answer that seemed clear and simple in retrospect. I wont tell you exactly how to handle your current number of children in a busy parking lot, but I will say that a well-trained brood can go nearly anywhere with less trouble than you might expect. Along the way, I learned a few rules that make everything go smoother. Many of these still apply even with older children along for the ride.
Moms Rules for Shopping with Little Ones

(revised and expanded from this post of days bygone) BEFORE YOU GO IN: Dont over-schedule. If all the children are with me, I do not expect to accomplish 8 other errands on the day that we get groceries.
Dont shop hungry. This applies to anyone who is along for the trip, not just the one with the checkbook. Hungry kids are distracted, whiny, wheedling, and generally unpleasant. This can rapidly make Mom unpleasant. Eat before you leave the house. If you fail to do so, bite the bullet and buy an inexpensive nourishing snack. We like bananas. On the other hand, dont load them up on sugary treats while you are out and then wonder why they arent behaving. Excessive sugar doesnt excuse sin, but you can bet youll see more of it. Dont leave the house if you or the children are cranky. There are several things you ought to do when youre having a cranky day (repent and pray, for starters) but going out in public with several young children is definitely on the dont list. Before disembarking from the vehicle, give a pep talk and run through Moms Rules of Order, below. Rather than looking for the closest parking space, park near a cart return. You can put the youngest and/or the infant seat right into the cart. The toddler can ride on the front of the cart. The 4 and 5 year old can hold the sides as you cross the parking lot. And when youre done and the children are in the vehicle, you can easily dispose of the cart without going too far from your little ones. INSIDE THE STORE: Have them help, and vary the routine. I stop the cart at the ends of some aisles and send a pair of children for what we need. Sometimes I will go after items myself, taking along 1 or 2 small helpers to carry items back to the cart. Other times I will bark out orders as we pass through the aisles: Lydia, grab 3 cans of spaghetti sauce. Natalie, get the animal crackers. Deanna and Kaitlyn, choose 3 lbs. of nice roma tomatoes. This works more and more as the children get older, but even the little ones recognize many of the items we buy and they love to help. Move quickly when possible. Make them pay attention and work (just a little) to keep up with you. Bored children are trouble waiting to happen.
Dont be afraid to use 2 carts. I often did this when they were all little. Others will stare slack-jawed at your mad shopping skilz, but its really not that hard. Put two or three small children in the front cart where you can watch them and steer with one hand its relatively easy to steer if the children are light and no one rides on the front end of the front cart. Then pull the heavy grocery cart behind you. Have them help you unload the groceries onto the conveyor belt. Like having them help at home, this may not save you time in the beginning. But it keeps them busy and out of trouble, and it is training for when they are big enough to actually be helpful. Do your best to keep the children strictly in order. It is so much easier to keep order than to restore order! Find what works, and consistently train toward that set of rules.
MOMS RULES OF ORDER:

1. No Touching 2. No Asking See? Wasnt that easy? Just 2 rules. This does not mean that they shouldnt remind me that were low on diapers or make a menu suggestion, but they all know that if they ask for popsicles or a box of donuts, the answer is going to be No. If, on the other hand, they all stand quietly and stare longingly at popsicles or a box of donuts (especially Little Chocolate Donuts), I am easily persuaded. I cant stress enough: training is everything! It will get easier as you and the children practice. I still find that we have to freshen up on training and manners if we dont go out often enough, so dont get discouraged if the first few times are stressful. It does get easier, and you will figure out what works for you and your children. Oh, and just about the time you feel like youve really got it all figured out, everything changes and youll need a totally new system. Just like laundry. I just thought you should know that ahead of time.
The DHM Answers

My three partners in this Four Moms With More Kids Than You Can Shake A Stick At venture are valiant troopers and they still have a passel of Littles, so when we first wrote about this, they actually left their Bigs behind and took the Littles on a trial run to remind themselves what it's like. I sat down and wrote a long post explaining how I got to have five children between the ages of 2 and 9 without ever having shopped with two or more toddlers while also pregnant. Then I took my little godsons shopping and scratched my head and tried to remember what we used to do. Basically, what you need to do is figure out what you want and need from your children, for your family, and for you on various outings, and then how realistic that it is, and from there work backward to ways and means. Other people with five children between the ages of 2 and 9, three in diapers, one with special needs, are sane and stay home or leave the children at home with Dad while they go grocery shopping. This was not really an option for me most of the time because my husband was in the military. He didn't travel that much as military lifestyles go, but during the first few years after our family magically went from three children to five overnight, he was always gone for two months in the fall, and usually had a handful of other much shorter trips: two weeks here, three days there. We could not manage to go without groceries for two months, so I had to be able to take my brood of five to the store by myself. Because he worked nights and many weekends, I often had to go to church by myself too. Of course I mean without my husband, because I had the five little beauties with me. I went to the library with them, to doctor appointments with all five of them, to the grocery store, to the bank, the post officein short, there is nowhere I could go without the children in tow. Our sixth child would come along three years later, and everybody went to the midwife with me, too. I've mentioned we were a military family. This also means we had no relatives in the area, and I did not know anybody I felt comfortable leaving my little ducklings with, so we all went everywhere together or we all stayed home
together. To be honest, there was really no place I wanted to go without all of my kids. I had five kids because I wanted them. I wanted to be with them. I liked them. I truly thought this was really, really fun. I loved the comments we got, the stares, the people slowly counting off on their fingers while mouthing one, two, three... and I really, really enjoyed the time a cashier said, yet again, "Better you than me, honey. My two are all I can handle, and the daughter who had only been my daughter for one of her four years of life piped up, "Well, MY mommy loves her children, doncha, Mommy?"I was really crushed several years later when my oldest girls, then in their mid teens, said they did not want to come shopping with us anymore but would rather stay home and babysit all the younger ones. I was also much younger then and had more energy. At any rate, they all had to come with me because there was no other option, and therefore it had to work or we were all going to end up on the front page of the newspaper in a sad, tragic story about a mother climbing into the gorilla cage at the zoo and swinging from the trees. So here are some of the things I remember doing. Because we moved out to the country about three months after the adoptions, we lived 45 miles from anywhere. I did once a month cooking so that I only had to do major grocery shopping once a month. Then, if my husband was home, he could pick up milk, cheese, or fruit on his way home from work. If he wasn't home, we combined library and other trips with short grocery runs. I shopped with two carts for years. The 9-year-old pushed one cart, usually into my ankles. The 8 year old walked beside or behind me, picking up the groceries I pointed at. She also wanted to push the cart, too, and being much shorter and unable to see over the cart, she pushed it into my ankles even harder than her older sister did. What would happen is she would ask to just please let her push the cart, please, and I would foolishly give in, and then within five minutes find myself limping through the rest of the shopping trip, grumbling about it and she would sulk because I took the cart away and gave it back to her big sister.
The children could not just scamper about as they liked, willy nilly. Going to the grocery store required a serious battle plan and logistical order worthy of Hannibal crossing the Alps, or better. The 3rd child (the one with disabilities), stood on the cart in front of me while I pushed. I needed her between me and the cart to help her balance and to keep her from grabbing things off the shelves or being knocked over and tripping while clutching a towering stack of cans, as she also has mild cerebral palsy in addition to the retardation. Our fourth child, three years old when we got her, stood on the back of my cart, holding on to the edges, and the 2 year old sat inside the cart. I didn't have babies after her for about five years, so eventually we graduated to walking like ducks in a row, as I stressed to them the importance of not blocking the aisles for other people. Having been raised by Granny Tea, who channeled Miss Manners before Miss Manners made it into print, being a bother to others is a huge no-no in my book, and it's ingrained in me that we cannot and must not be a nuisance. Note, gentle readers, that we did not have those shopping carts with extra seats. The only shopping carts anybody had were the ordinary kind with only one seat. There were no carts with attached infant seats, no extra seats, no fancy truck shaped shopping carts. In fact, the shopping carts didn't even have safety straps when I was taking my Littles out and about. I have looked at those carts with two or three seats and had to repent of the sin of envy on the spot. This careful attention to logistics was one important key to making things work. I could not just let matters take care of themselves and expect to have a pleasant trip. Manners were just as important. I believe children are a blessing. I love my big family. I love my children. I think they are wonderful, wonderful people. I am besotted by them. As my babies grew and we added to our family, I did come to understand that I was predisposed to adore my children and think they were wonderful, but that other people were not predisposed to think my little darlings were wonderful just because they existed. Because I loved my children so much, I wanted other people to like them, too. Because I believed my children were a blessing, I wanted to make sure they could behave in such a way that others would see them that way, too, and not have their own shopping/library/church/museum experiences utterly ruined by unruly,
unpleasant, noxious behavior. So mannerly behavior was very important to us. It may well be typical childish behavior to scream in the supermarket and demand toys, candy and cookies, but that doesn't mean it cannot or should not be addressed. Parenting is about teaching, training, nurturing, disciplining, and disciplining children to grow beyond some of their natural savage inclinations. They have good inclinations, too, by the way. One of the most important verses I had for those years is Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. We worked hard on instilling good behavior in our children. I am not going to go into details on that. Just know that in order to make your Littles a blessing and not a curse to others, you need to have a lot of things going for you, and one of the most important is consistent standards and consequences. Somebody you trust who knows you in person, who has children whose behavior you admire is the right person to talk to about this.
Here were some of our rules:

Nobody could ask for treats. I had five children on one enlisted man's salary, three of the girls in diapers, and one who would eventually have a special diet (no wheat, corn, or eggs). I could not endure or afford a constant begging for treats in the store. It was a burden to my soul to have children pleading for candy, cookies, toys, cokes, and other things I really did not want them to have and could not really afford, especially not for five separate sets of preferences. This was, however, a mutual bargain. I usually chose a treat we could all share, but it was based on what was available in the store on sale. Hence the rule about asking and pleading: I couldn't predict what would be on sale. Sometimes it was an exotic piece of fruit we would take home, slice up and share together: starfruit, a box of berries in season, a package of boxed snack pack juices marked way down because one had been crushed. If I could not afford anything extra, we tried to stop at a park, or a creek, or a fish pond on the way home. I taught them not to beg for treats by frequent reminders that they weren't to do so, explanations why, and on a couple very frustrating occasions, putting the treat I'd already picked out back on the shelf.
Sadly, some people read about me choosing one piece of fruit for the 5, 6, 7, 8, or 9 of us to share, and think this is deprivation. No, it is elevating that special piece of fruit to the status of treasure. We learned to cherish it as special, to truly appreciate and savor it.
Other rules:
Stay with Mom. No running off, no hanging back. No fighting, no biting, no screaming, no loud unpleasantness. Smile and be nice. Help Mom unload the shopping cart. Help Mom put the groceries in the van. Help unload when we get home. Hold onto the shopping cart or Mom when in the parking lot. Review your expectations often, and especially just before going into the store. We went over these rules before we left the house. Then, because we had a 45 minute drive to the nearest store, we went over them again before we left the van to go into the store or library. I had high expectations for the Progeny, and they mostly lived up to them. Children are capable of far more than we expect. I also tried to play fair. No shopping trips on empty stomachs, in the middle of nap time, when coming down with a cold. Don't make good behavior harder than it has to be if you can help it. I don't like shopping with a headache or when I am exhausted, either. I also did not expect my three year old to behave better than my two year old, because my two year old had grown up with me, and the three year old had not. She was still learning the rules, so I tried to cut her more slack and keep her out of no-win situations (not always successfully). If you can't help it, just make it as short and sweet as possible. Going-to-town-clothes: Because we lived in the country so far from town, I kept a going to town outfit for each child. People respond better to tidy children, and tidy children behave better.
I kept homemade wipes in the car to wash their faces. My house might have looked like a junk shop had vomited inside it, and I hadn't had time to shave my legs since six weeks earlier when my husband left for Saudi Arabia or his other frequent hardship destination, Las Vegas (seriously), but my children looked tidy. At least when we started.=) I kept water bottles and cups in the van so we could quench our thirst without resorting to sugary junk beverages. I made everybody go to the bathroom before we left the house and again when we got to the store. On longer outings we also had enforced potty stops. Everybody had to go potty at designated stops. Eventually, the oldest girls insisted they ought to know their own bladders, and we made a pact that we would not make them go to the bathroom on our schedule if they would not try and make us stop on theirs. In other words, "Y'all had better be right about not needing to go, because this is the last stop for hours." They were right, and we all were happy. For library trips we did not then have the luxury of reserving books at the library from home. We all went to the library, and we all hunted up our books. I would spend time looking for books for the Progeny, helping them find what they wanted, sitting them down with their books, instruct them not to get up without permission, and then I would take The Cherub, and sometimes the two year old, with me to the card catalog (yes! Card catalog!) to look up what I wanted. At the zoo, we made them hold hands in pairs, and dress in something that stood out as belonging to us. As the children grew a bit older, I assigned each one a buddy to help, so I was no longer getting three littles dressed by myself. I would examine everybody before we walked out the door, though. Usually. I think it helps that I am a firm person, quite comfortable with being the grown up, and I am not conflicted about my 'right' to direct my young children in the way I think is best for our family. It probably comes of being the Big Sister. As a younger mom I noticed that those of my peers who struggled more with the concept of being an authority, the authority, in their children's lives, did not really grasp that you cannot have responsibility without authority, were nervous about telling their kids what to do and showed it, and usually were not the firstborn child in their family of origin. Being the Big Sister is both a gift and a curse.
So, we had rules, we had special clothes, we had high expectations, we tried to combine trips so I didn't have to do this more than twice a month (except church), we had special outfits just for outings so we weren't hunting up clothes for everybody, we had an order for our little procession, and we also had funat least, I thought it was fun. I asked the girls, and they remember some of the fun things, but it's interesting: what they remember is largely similar to their personalities. Jenny remembers long days and talk radio (that's when the radio was on, mostly), and Equuschick remembers too long days and feeling crabby and out of sorts. Pip remembers that I always took her to go look at the lobsters in the lobster tank, which reminds me that I also sometimes took them to the fish counter, if we were at a store which had one, to look at things like octopuses and whole fish. The HG remembers that the days were long, but that I always planned something fun and easy for dinner frozen chimichangas or popcorn, fruit and cheese, and those rare treats like a single starfruit, a coconut, a pomegranate, or a new kind of candy bar. This would be a single treat that would be divided up between the six of us. It helped them all, I think, learn to appreciate such things even more. I took my brood to the grocery store, the library, church, the zoo, the park, museums, banks, the dentist, the eye doctor, the post office, thrift shops, and more. We did not send them to Children's Church, either. One place I never really took them was the mall. I am not a shopper. I hate malls. Once about every five to seven years I would take the children to the mall for a field trip, just so they had a frame of reference when they heard other people talking about the mall. My youngest two children did not go shopping with me very often because their big sisters kept them and I went shopping by myself. I do not now believe this was best for them. They did not learn certain habits and the customary courtesies the descendants of Granny Tea are expected to exhibit as young as the other five did. I know this is so because the four of the older children who can talk make it a point to tell me so. It was fun to take my oldest five to the store. Until they grew much bigger, it was not fun to take my youngest two along. However, eventually the good example of the older children trickled down to their youngest siblings as well. Our oldest children were very well behaved, so well behaved that we were often thanked by store managers, waitresses, librarians, and others while out. I always
made sure to pass on those compliments to the children if they had not heard them. On the other side, society has shockingly low standards. There were a few occasions where my children were misbehaving badly and they still were complimented by shop managers. In one case, they were feeling giddy at a children's consignment store, and all of them disappeared into the clothing racks, hiding within the clothes. My friend and I were mortified because our children were not allowed to hide in the clothing racks, but the shop manager was thrilled with them because they were not screaming, knocking clothes off the racks on purpose, and if something fell they picked it up. As you see, even with all these rules, guidelines, standards, and such general good results, we did not always have perfection. Sometimes we even had days like this one, experiences in church like this, and this incredibly memorable field trip. We also had the time one of the children did, indeed, knock over an entire display in the middle of a grocery store, and there was the unforgettable case of bookstore manager who was going to call the police because she thought the Cherub was being murdered in the bathroom (no punishment was involved). We have also had more than our fair share of temper tantrums and fractious behavior (even the children did this sometimes). But we muddled through it, pressing on, trying our best to be consistent, and then we reaped a harvest: bigger children who help with little children, who are pleasant companions, who are my friends, who are a joy and a blessing to others, who are happy and self-confident. We had little children who look up to, admire, and imitate their well behaved older siblings, and your day will come, too, young mother. There may be hard days in between, but be comforted. You probably won't remember them all that well later.
Kimberly Answers
When we had only young children every time I left the house everyone went with me. Weve had 3 children (2 and younger), 4 children (3 and younger), 5 children (5 and younger), 6 children (7 and younger), 7 children (8 and younger) and 8 children (9 and younger). So Ive had some practice.
Be diligent to train your children.

Being able to expect basic, cheerful obedience from your children is the best way to manage a crowd of them. If youre having to man-handle your toddlers, youll run into difficulty when you have more children than hands.
Have a plan.
Trying to manage lots of littles requires a bit of advance planning.
Matthew 3 (now 10), Amber 5 (now 13), Kaitlin 4 (now 12), Alyssa 1 (now 9), Carter 6mos. (now 8, not pictured).
Pick a good time of day. Dont head out just before meal time or nap time. Plan how to safely load and unload the children and stuff into and out of the car. (Once you get all the children into the car are you going to want to walk across the parking lot to return the cart?) Plan how to walk through the parking lot, who is going to hold whose hand and who will hold moms hand. Plan how to keep track of everyone while youre focused or partially focused on shopping.
Give your children specic, positive instructions.

Its hard for a little one to understand exactly what you expect when you say, Stay with Mommy (how close is with mommy?), Dont touch anything (Can they touch your hand?) or Dont be crazy.
Some of the instructions that have worked well for us are, Two hands on the car Hold onto this part of the cart Hold onto your siblings hand (perfect for when you have more children than hands) Sit on your bottom and No noise with your mouth (great if you want to be able to hear and talk to the doctor or cashier).
Make it fun.
7 ways to enjoy waiting with your kids . When appropriate plan something fun after the errand, a picnic lunch or trip to a kid-friendly museum.
Limit errand running.

When you have a houseful of little ones, having several days out of the house can be disruptive. When you get home from a shopping trip everyone, including mommy is tired and all the household tasks still need to be done, so if you can eliminate or combine errand running trips its easier on everyone.
Dont forget to enjoy your kids.

These days pass too quickly and errand running can be enjoyable when you remember to enjoy your children. Pay attention to what is interesting or important to your kids and make an effort to allow them to explore, learn or do what delights them. Savannah delights in getting to pump the lever on the paper towels in a public restroom. It takes more time and energy for me, but I pick her up and let her pump it herself. Its such a big deal to her, she will come home and tell her dad that she got to pump the paper towels for everyone! Why I Still Run Errands with Little Ones even when I dont need to.
Do you ever feel discouraged or overwhelmed?
DO YOU EVER FEEL DISCOURAGED OR OVERWHELMED?
Connie Answers
It is often easy to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the task before me. I have chosen to do so big a thing that I can not actually do it myself. Homeschooling 8 children, making sure each one can read, write, and cipher, tie his shoes, loves God and his neighbor, is respectful and obedient to his parents, knows the value of hard work, wears clean clothes, and eats healthy meals is too much for one person to accomplish without the help of something greater than myself. Whenever I do feel overwhelmed with homeschooling or parenting a large family or handling all the antics of toddlers to teens or dealing with attack roosters while doing all of the above, I am reminded that I can not do any of these things on my own strength. I must rely on strength that comes from God to get through each day. Much like fasting and prayer, trying to do a hard thing, a big thing too hard to do on my own, sends me running straight to the source of all my strength. I like to read the Psalms during those times of being overwhelmed or discouraged. David wrote often about those very same feelings. He felt despair, hopelessness, shame, guilt, and more, but he always came around to praising God and reminding himself and all of us that his hope was in the Lord. When we have the courage to do something too big for us to accomplish ourselves and we rely on God, we are glorifying him through our weakness. Psalm 71:5-8 For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art my trust from my youth. By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou art he that took me out of my mother's bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee. I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge. Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and with thy honour all the day.
KimC Answers
Yes, I sometimes feel overwhelmed but Im largely looking back on those days now from another season in my life. Back when we had a lot of Littles and no Bigs, daily life looked very different. Sometimes it felt a little dark and hopeless. How could I do everything that I need to do? How could I be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian, while battling morning sickness and the creeping chaos of a house with so many little ones? I struggled to do all the things that I thought I needed to do, often failing. On a good day, I got everyones hair done before the mats moved in. Laundry was always a struggle, but somehow I kept up. Children and bedding got washed as needed because I refused to add another thing to The Schedule. I often stayed up too late, either because the kids needed me or because I was savoring those few quiet hours of the day in which they didnt need me. Many nights, I was wakened once by a nursing baby, again by a crying 2yo and/or a wet 3yo and/or a sleepwalking 4yo and/or a 5yo who just threw up on the 3yos hair. If the days seemed too short, the nights stretched on forever. Neither afforded much time for sleep or rest. At that time in our life, we had no family within 1,000 miles. The church Perry had attended since he was 15 had dissolved in a mess ugly beyond belief. He was unhappy at his primary job, and working 2 more jobs on the side. We had personal problems and marriage problems. In spite of a few local friends, we felt very alone in our world. That was the bad side. Sometimes, thats what I remember about those early days. When people told me to enjoy them because they would pass too quickly, I just hoped they were right. But I also remember walking to the library on a crisp day with a double stroller packed full of shining faces. I remember the friendly librarians who smiled when we walked in and knew us all by name. We spent a lot of time there!
I remember our friends at the cheese factory who always greeted us with bright smiles, free tours, and sample bags for each child packed full of all the best kinds of cheese in the world. Every visit turned into a picnic. I remember building the Great Wall of China in the living room with wooden blocks, and a 4 foot Eiffel Tower made entirely of marshmallows. I remember using Five in a Row for school. We read endless picture books, and every single one was a favorite. I remember snow forts and hide-and-seek and a giant wooden playset given to us for free by an acquaintance I barely knew. Her husband worked at a local lumber store and was able to borrow a big flatbed truck to deliver it for us, fully assembled and ready for use. I remember grocery trips that began and ended with laughter, packed full of smiles and compliments from every passer-by. I remember the hot air balloon festival at the county fairgrounds, just a few blocks away. I remember long family bike rides all over our little town with 2 little ones in a bike trailer behind each of us, and a fifth child on a baby seat, 8yo Deanna trailing behind on a bike of her own. She seemed so big to us back then, and now shes nearly 18. I remember trips to the zoo, to used book stores, to Chuck E. Cheese, to our friends in the country with the huge country house, to Texas and Tennessee and Oregon. We may not have gone to Disneyland every year, but we made memories good memories! Why do I sometimes think of those days as dark and full of chaos? They were also some of our happiest, most carefree times. I think attitude plays a huge part in what we remember, how we remember it, and which memories we call to mind. You cant change your attitude in the past, but you can pray for a good attitude today and in the future. You can choose which memories to review and relive, and which to let go. You can look back with a good attitude and call to mind the good
times, forgetting the bad ones or seeing how God used those bad times to bless you in ways you didnt understand at the time. Now Im the mom with older children, speaking to the tired young mother. Now Im telling you to enjoy those days, because they will pass quickly. Its true. I nodded and smiled when they said it to me, but I didnt really believe their words. Now I see the end of my baby days coming soon, the end of a season approaching. Yesterday, I was you. Today, I am my mom. Tomorrow, Ill be my grandmother. They were right. It does happen quickly. Im sorry I ever doubted them. Yes, your days are long and busy, and you never seem to get enough sleep. You dont think you spend enough one-on-one time with your children, and you feel guilty or stressed or worried. Im not discounting that. This a busy season in life, and a hard one. But still enjoy it. Remind yourself to remember the good times, and let the bad times fade out of time and mind. Ask God to help you do better tomorrow, and let the days failures disappear when you crawl into bed.
The DHM Answers

I have often been overwhelmed, cast down, in despair, the sort of despair we find in Castle Despair in Pilgrims Progress or in Spensers Faerie Queen. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I have flashbacks of that stress event on a daily basis. Sometimes 20 flashbacks in a day, if its a particularly bad day. Weve experienced tragedy, heartache, and disaster. But sometimes its not the major events that are hardest to bear. Theres a saying that its not the size of the mountain that slows you down, its the tiny pebble in your shoe. We have a disabled child, The Cherub, who will always be dependent. Shes still in diapers in her twenties. She cant talk. If I dont watch her, she grabs her food with her hands instead of her utensils. We dress her and bathe her. One day, many years ago, three kids had dental exams. It was also library day, and grocery store day, and thrift shop day, and this time it was also birthday shopping day and bank day. We should have known it was not a safe day for us to be out when our first errand, the dentist, resulted in one child needing a baby tooth pulled because it had wedged itself solidly against the permanent tooth and wouldn't move. Very bloody. There was a great deal of trauma, distress, and squealing. I think the child was also pretty unhappy about it all. We didn't get all our errands done, and I couldn't find what I wanted for our Cherub's birthday, which would be the following day. That was a pain because it's very, very, very hard to find presents for her. She plays with nothing and likes nothing but eating and pestering her sisters and coloring. Okay, she likes music, too, and turning pages in a book. It does not matter what the book is, because she won't look at it. She just turns the pages. All I wanted was a jack in the box, but every store I went to was sold out. She soaked, and I mean soaked, herself to the point that I had to just buy her a new outfit. Fortunately we were in the Big Lots parking lot, so pants, shirt, and underwear were $13.00, which was still more than I wanted spend. Still, I was so grateful that she did not have her little episode outside of Nordstroms or
something. Of course, we'd have to BE outside of Nordstroms for that to happen, and that's a highly unlikely event. Then a stranger stopped to tell me we were losing our tail pipe, and the then 11 year old Pip said, "Oh, that's the noise I heard!" I pulled into a parking lot to fix it and had nothing but the flowery sash to a child's drawstring purse, so I tried to tie it up and thought I did fine, when a man from the business which owned the parking lot I used came out with a clothes hanger, shaking his head and saying, "That's never gonna hold," and he fixed it, which was lovely. I was so grateful to that stranger and business owner who were such a blessing on a very frustrating day. We went into the natural foods store to eat at the salad bar, where the children were distracted by a shirtless young man bleeding from a gash in his face (skateboard accident), and it rather put me off my food. At one of our last stops only the firstborn needed to go in so the rest of us sat in the van and I read aloud The Owl and the Pussycat, twice, and the sixth child cried because she was cranky, and the seventh child whined because he was cranky, and the children were all so tightly packed in with groceries and books that nobody could move, and I started soothing them with words of understanding and sympathy, "Poor babies, they need to be hugged, and cuddled, and read to and sung to and played with and they need..." "...to be hit on the heads with a mallet" my saucy, but really tender hearted Equuschick broke in. We let the little ones take off their shoes and socks and we sang "If you're happy and you know it wiggle your toes" and they were happy for a few minutes, but then their feet were cold, and we sang fisherman songs at the Boys request and then we started home. Finally, exhausted, drained, and none-too-cheerful, but we were headed home. And on the way home, late at night, The Cherub was getting a rare treat of riding in the front seat for the last time ever for the rest of my life and hers, although we did not then know it was such a momentous occasion. The reason why this was her last chance to ride in the front seat, ever, for the rest of her life or mine, is because suddenly the dome light came on and we realized
that she had opened the door (something she has never been able to do before) of our moving van. Did I mention we were on the highway? Did I mention that we were going 70 mph? Well, we were. Yes. It was all you are imagining and then some. So, I pulled over instantly, with great presence of mind, if I do say so myself, putting on the emergency blinkers, grabbing the Cherub's arm so she couldn't go anywhere, gently applying the brakes so we came to a safe stop while carefully steering so that we parked in a safe place at the side of the road. I took these calm, correct, emergency measures all at the same time, but while my body was acting rationally and calmly, my mouth was in full panic mode and I could hear a disembodied voice that, oddly, belonged to me, and that voice was wildly screaming something about "never, never, never, never, never, no never, not ever, never, do you hear me? Never, never, never do that!" When I say screaming, that is not hyperbole. I was horrified and frightened to death and being frightened has the strange effect of making me very, very angry. Why is it that parents tend to ask "Do you hear me?" in tones that could be heard across three counties and picked up in outer space by a minor satellite? As we came to a complete and final stop, I reached across her and slammed the door shut and turned the van key off in one fluid motion. Do not ask me how. I then began the emergency attempt to get her out of the front seat and over the groceries between us and into the backseat, because I was not driving so much as a city block with her in the front seat again. Ever. I was so irrationally terrified that it seemed to me to be an immediate, dire, emergency need to get her into the back seat of my now stationary van. She would NOT lift her feet to step over the groceries and we did not want her feet in them, and I am still talking, well, rather LOUDLY about what she just did, repeating that never word as though my saying it often enough would somehow change the fright. The van was full of sound and fury and chaos. Into that chaos that same 11 year old from before quietly and curiously inquired from the back of the van "Why don't you just open the door and take her out the usual way since we're not moving anymore?"
And I dropped my jaw as I and my two oldest children looked at each other in astonishment that we did not think of this. So we quietly shifted the Cherub from front to back in a civilized fashion, by opening the door like civilized people and having her climb out the front door and into the van through the side door. It dawned on me that Cherub was looking at me like I'd lost my mind (because, yes. I had), and she looked a little afraid. I am sorry. I do not want her to be afraid of me, but I do want her to be afraid to open the door in a moving vehicle. I was feeling very embarrassed and ashamed of myself, but when we put her in the back seat and her oldest sister got in front and we started driving, she started giggling, and giggling some more, and cracking up, the way you do when something ridiculous has just happened, or you've just put something over on your family and you can't stop thinking about the hilarious looks on their faces, and she laughed harder and merrier pretty much all the way home. She was very pleased with herself. And utterly out of my reach. Years later, parts of this are really very funny. But this is now. That was then. And I wasn't having any fun. At all. I'd hurt my knee somehow and it was throbbing. My back has been nearly a lifelong enemy of mine, and it was cripplingly painful at that moment, and I wasn't done driving home. And another old problem was troubling me so I could hardly lift one foot to the gas pedal without pain. When we did arrive home and I got out of the van, I could only move by shuffling like a little old lady from the van to the couch. It hurt far too much to even lift my feet. Meanwhile, we had another 20 minutes of driving, and I had a dark, dark moment where I thought of The Cherub in diapers forever, eating with her hands, refusing to cooperate in the bath, snatching dog food, opening bottles of pills and opening car doors in moving vehicles when I'm 60, and with a shuddering dark cloud of despair I hopelessly thought, "I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life." Immediately after that thought, we saw Orion's belt glowing in the sky, and I thought again, "God doesn't ask me to do this the rest of my life. He just asks me to do it right now." And then, if the Lord tarries, a little bit more after that.
Thank you God, that life is really only one day at a time. You know what else I notice about this story? At the time I first wrote it, it all was still fresh on my mind, the pain, the trauma, the stress, and that's what I thought I was writing about. But every time I read this again I notice how blessed we were. The Cherub's accident was in front of the organic grocery, which shared the parking lot with Big Lots where I could replace all her clothes for $13.00. It wasn't in the commissary or at the library, bank, or dentist's or anywhere that required me to take a urine soaked teen-ager, reeking of adult urine smell, in public. Nor did I have to drive with her in the van, soaking my seats, polluting the air inside the van. There was a kind stranger who told me about my tail pipe. And the first parking lot I turned into? It was an Auto Zone. I didn't even notice. The man with the coat hanger worked there, and he didn't even try to sell me anything. The Cherub did open a door on a moving van, but nobody was around us. She did it at a place we could pull over safely, nothing fell out, and nobody fell out. We got a tooth pulled without having to make another appointment with the dentist, which was unheard of. I never noticed any of these things as blessings the day they occurred. I only saw the bad stuff. Five years after I first wrote about this, I looked it over again and saw each of those things in relief, standing out against the backdrop of a day I thought was horrible, when I had no idea how much worse a day could be. It took me five years to notice the blessings and thank a kind Providence for providing. And Ive had still worse days than this, much, much worse. I do not always handle them as I should. Nevertheless, my failures are irrelevant to the eternal truth that I am standing on the edge of a vast eternity of grace, holding a teaspoon of pain in my hand (thanks to Valerie of Living Books for this analogy) and crying about it. It really is just one day at a time, one foot after another, here a little, there a little, slowly and steadily pressing on. In due time, we shall reap what we sow. Let's just try not to sow any whirlwinds.
Kimberly Answers
I get discouraged. Often. I am called to be loving, patient, gentle, kind and humble and yet Im hateful, impatient, harsh, unkind and proud. Im called to lovingly serve my husband and children, but Id rather have more time for me. Im called to the full time task of homeschooling in order to teach and train my children to love the Lord with all of their hearts, but everyone else has time to decorate their home. Im called to show Christs love to others through hospitality, but Id rather spend that time and money on my own interests and things. Even when Im able to focus on that which I should do, I am faced with my constant failures. When we look at ourselves we should be discouraged, but when we look at Christ we understand that its not us, its Him. He promises to work through us. As a matter of fact, it is through our weakness and failure that He is truly exulted. 1 Corinthians 1:27-28 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: 1 Corinthians 12:9-10 To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit; To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues: Being a wife and mom, especially a homeschooling wife and mom can be particularly discouraging because as we look at the world around us it seems that everyone else is accomplishing more than we are.
We must be convinced of our calling, convinced that [We] can do all thing through Christ, who strengthens [us]. and convinced that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
How do you make sure your children get enough individual time?
HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN GET ENOUGH INDIVIDUAL TIME?
Connie Answers
Here are a few of the ways I get individual time with each child.
Take a child along with you.

I rarely go anywhere alone. Whether I'm making a quick trip to the bank or attending a cooking class, I try to take a child with me to enjoy some individual time. My husband attended an out of town funeral recently and took one child along. Whenever he plays in out of town golf tournaments, he takes one of the children with him, too.
Plan special outings.

My oldest suggested once a month special outings for each child that we have been keeping for the past 2 years. My children LOVE these special times and look always forward to their month.
Schedule time with Mom in the kitchen.

Whether kids are cooking dinner or cleaning up afterwards, and whether they act like it is a treat or a torment, you will get some good talking time in while everyone else is otherwise occupied.
KimC Answers
I decided to ask my husband what he thought about the question of one-on-one time. He knew me well enough to know that I often feel guilty about this area. He also knew me well enough to assuage my ovarian guilt. He reassured me that although I dont always plan for one-on-one time with my children, it happens in the course of our day. Individual time, aka quality time, comes when I give a reading lesson to the preschooler, when I read a picture book to the toddler, when somebody helps me make my bed, when we cook together, when I help somebody with her hair or get my own hair styled. Individual time might be when I help an older child with math, when we sit together in my room to read our Bibles, when 2 of us squeeze together in front of the monitor for a secret youtube viewing with the volume down low, or I take somebody on an errand. It might be a quiet cup of coffee or cocoa with an early riser, a bedtime hug that stretches into a 5 minute review of the days highlights, or a middle of the night snuggle before somebody gets sent back to their own bed. It can even be a short, sweet chat with the toddler while I change her diaper or wash her face. Individual time does not have to be over ice cream at the local fast food restaurant, though that certainly qualifies. Much like Bible time, school time, and other important parts of our life, we think individual time can be planned, but often works best when tightly woven into the fabric of our daily lives.
The DHM Answers

Those with concerns about this are usually starting from different assumptions than I am. While I believe there are times when one on one time time for private, quiet, conversations are important, I do not agree that special, quality time spent with any child suddenly is reduced in value because another child is added, and not even when another four, five, or six or more children are added. Love is mulitiplied, not divided in a happy family. So is attention. When we are together and the younger child does something silly or says something cute, that experience is enhanced by sharing it with somebody, and my older children get a bigger kick out of their younger sib's antics than I do. When one of the children is sad because a pet has died, they share that mourning with their siblings. This helps. It doesn't hinder. When our family is reading a book aloud together and one child asks a question, all of us are enriched by hearing the answer and by the family discussion that ensues. When we are working together on a project, the family togetherness, the unity, the sense of accomplishment, the pride, the joy of that task are enhanced, not diminished, because more than two of us worked on it. Two things that we did to ensure some one on one time: For a while, once a week I got up very early, or stayed up very late, with one child. We took this in turns. The child could choose what we did. The only caveat is it had to be free. Interesting thing is that often what the child whose turn it was wanted to do was get up another sibling and include her in the fun! We kept an envelope taped to the front door. An index card for each family member was in the envelope. When my husband or I had to run an errand, we grabbed the front index card and that was the person who went with us. Sometimes, yes, we would draw the other parents name, so we got a quicky date in!
There are things we do to ensure that each child gets some alone time with Mom and Dad each day, because we do think that's important, too, but we don't count time with several children and one parent as negligible, or substandard, either. It's also a great and good thing, and sometimes it's even a better thing. I do not agree that children's needs in a large family cannot possibly be met as well as in a small family. That may be because I have different ideas about what those needs are.
Kimberly Answers
Ive heard of parents having elaborate plans and schedules, taking each of their children out alone on a regular basis or scheduling one-on-one time with every child each day or each week. That doesnt happen here. What I do is I pray daily that I would die to self and that God would bless us with relationships that bring glory and honor to Him. I choose to spend the vast majority of my time interacting with my children. I choose to turn off the radio, close the computer and not head out to run errands alone and we choose to limit outside the house, entertainment-focused activities. We live our lives walking side by side with these precious blessings from God and in the midst of that living we spend individual time with each child, even though it may not be on the calendar.
So what does individual time look like in our home?

Snuggling under a big, fuzzy blanket with another early riser while reading our Bibles. Stopping whatever Im doing to sit down on the floor right where I am and read a picture book to a toddler. Listening to stories about the previous days activities during a reading lesson. Cleaning out a closet, mopping the floor or putting up rain gutter bookshelves with a helper. Starting laundry, making bread, running errands, everything is an opportunity to spend individual time with a child. And yes, even taking a child out to lunch or for a special date. I also regularly join each of the children in doing their favorite activity with them. I may give Savannah a pedicure, put together a puzzle with Colby, cook with Amber or tackle a fix-it project with one of the boys. If by your actions you show your children that they are your delight and priority that relationship will grow and develop and both of you will desire to spend time together.
Naps: How important are they? How do you make them happen?
NAPS: HOW IMPORTANT ARE THEY? HOW DO YOU MAKE THEM HAPPEN?
Connie Answers
As for The Smockity Family, we love our naptimes! Everyone goes to their beds, or couches, or designated quiet places for one solid hour of absolutely no talking or noise. I don't care whether they go to sleep, but heads must be on pillows and there must be no noise. There is so much noise and activity in our family all day long, that an hour of quiet rest is a welcome break for all of us.
Some of the activities I allow during naptime are:

reading writing in journals drawing listening to iPods (with ear buds) listening to books on CD
Some of the activities I don't allow because of mess or noise:

coloring (I hate cleaning up scads of broken crayons out of beds!) cutting/gluing puzzles (Ditto with puzzle pieces) train tracks battery operated toys
I used to use a timer to let everyone know when an hour was up, until I figured out this ingenious naptime tip! Here are some of the books and CD's we like for pre-naptime or bedtime readings: A Child's Garden of Songs: The Poetry of Robert Louis Stevenson in Song The Little House books Goodnight Moon The Runaway Bunny The Beginner's Bible
KimC Answers
I wish I could say we were taking naps instead of just talking about them, because like most moms I feel like I operate on a perpetual sleep deficit. Ive spent a very large proportion of the nighttime hours of the last 18 years doing night feedings, soothing nightmares and night terrors, changing wet sheets, bathing sick children along with the sibling who woke up with vomit in her hair, checking the breathing of a baby who is sleeping too welland loving every minute of it. Well, more or less, in a theoretical kind of way. I certainly havent pulled all those night shifts alone, and this is where my hunney would probably appreciate it if I mention that he often sends me to bed early while he battens the hatches, and I have to give him credit for helping me to get as much sleep as I do. No, hes not for sale. Oh, but I was supposed to talk about naptime, wasnt? For the kids, you mean? Very well, then. Once upon a time, when all the Coghlan children were very young and small, we all had naps or quiet time every single day without fail. Maybe youre wondering about the difference between a nap and quiet time? If you were young enough or tired enough to fall asleep, it was a nap. If you managed to stay awake the whole time, it was quiet time. If the kids are doing quiet time while Mom takes a nap, you might have a problem. You might also decide that the nap was worth the mess you found when you woke up, provided the toddler didnt wander down the street wearing nothing but a diaper. Im not saying this ever happened to me, but Im also not saying that something similar never happened. I am saying that training is important. The little ones can and should be taught to stay in bed until nap time is officially over. This will take an investment of time on your part, but it is sooo worth it. Stake out the door for a few days or weeks, and you will have years of afternoon peace for your own nap/quiet time. For one particularly stubborn child, I used a scarecrow. My husband once bought a tiger mask that covered not just his face, but his entire head. When he wore it
and went about the house on all fours, even I felt a lump of fear in my stomach. It was realistic and terrifying, and even after the novelty wore off, our strong-willed toddler was still afraid to open the toybox if she thought the tiger might be lurking in the depths. Heh, heh. Call me a bad mom. At nap time, I tucked her in and gave her a kiss. I reminded her to obey and stay in bed, knowing full well she would try to creep out as soon as she thought I was down the stairs. I closed the door behind me and perched the tiger head on a chair just outside the door, right at eye level for a 3yo. That may have been the last time she got up during nap time. Ah, memories. Its been years since we did a daily household-wide quiet time. The definitions of nap time and quiet time still stand, but those of us who dont regularly melt into a quivering heap of tears at the end of the day usually do without either these days. I dont necessarily recommend this. I think quiet time can be especially beneficial for a large and busy household, and were always talking about going back to the good old days. Our kids love when I read aloud to them doesnt every child? I have found that naptime is a perfect time for read-alouds. It entertains their brains while their little bodies are winding down. Since they all sleep in the same room, I can read to all of them at once after theyre tucked in. I often read something short and sweet for the very little ones (Goodnight Moon and Sandra Boyntons Going to Bed Book are favorites), but I find that they also enjoy the chapter books I read for the slightly older children. We recently read through several of the Boxcar Children series, and in the past have also read Little House on the Prairie books, the Chronicles of Narnia, and some others that slip my mind at the moment. Chapter books give them a reason to look forward to naptime, a chance to wind down during naptime, and something to discuss after naptime.
The DHM Answers

When our family went from three children to five, literally overnight, many years ago, there was one thing that still stands out to me as being absolutely necessary to all of us to smooth that transition. This was quiet time, every day, absolutely insisted upon. Everyone didn't have to have naps. But one girl went to my bed, one girl went to the couch, other children went to their separate beds. They could read, play with paper dolls, color, work with stickers, do origami, string beads, do puzzles, play with baby dolls, whatever, These things could be done quietly while sitting on the couch or bed. They could make no noise and they could have no interaction with other family members. This retreat was marvelously helpful for everybody. It made them calmer the rest of the day. The downtime was just vitally important. Everybody felt more pleasant for it. Everybody had sweeter spirits for it, more restful souls. Usually when we come back together at the end of the hour, we come with our souls and spirits refreshed, calmed, and our sharper edges smoothed and comfortable again. We later moved to a smaller house with less space, and sometimes a quiet time had to be in the same room. In this case, I put one in an easy chair, turned towards the wall, and one in the couch where she couldn't see anybody. This isn't punishment, it's a gift. It's vitally important space in the day, downtime, a retreat from all the stimuli that can get little children's nerves on edge without them even realizing it. Ours was a special situation, but I believe one of the simplest ideas to help any family smooth any rough edges of living together in small spaces is quiet time. It's very important that the children not be where they can see each other, because quiet time is basically the Trappist Monk Hour. There is no speaking. There is not even any listening to music or playing electronic games that beep and flash at you. At some designated time in the afternoon everybody must go to a quiet corner and either nap or work on some silent activity. When the older girls grew to be teens I did let quiet time happen on the computer, not games, just emailsbut I think this was a mistake. We do not demand that the children nap
during quiet time. They do not have to go to sleep. They just have to be quiet, and envelop themselves in that quiet.
Quiet Time Activities

color write letters read a book of their choosing puzzles play with paper dolls play solitaire pray read their Bibles play with lace up cards work on a sewing project work on origami play with a few small cars and small toy animals play with some tinkertoys during their quiet time. The rules are to choose what they will be working on and take the supplies they need to their quiet time area before quiet hour begins. There is no leaving the quiet time space to run grab another toy because one has changed his mind, or because one forgot the scissors. Napping is always permissible, it's just not required after the children reach an age when they obviously do not need a nap. This depends entirely on the child. Pipsqueak was 6 before she could manage to get through a day without a nap. My oldest was 20 months old.
Where to Have Quiet Time

Finding a private corner is not always easy in a small house. I'll share some of the ways we've managed. We like quiet time where the children cannot even see each other. If they see each other they do not feel the same sense of privacy, and they have a greater temptation to spiritually depart the trappist state and make entertaining faces at one another. When we have had bunk beds and no other options, we have had a child on the top bunk and one on the bottom in the same room, although this is not my preference. It's still better than not having quiet time. If I had to put children in the same room for quiet time, I would separate them visually by hanging up a sheet or tablecloth between them, or setting up a screen of some sort. We usually have had a child take quiet time in our bedroom, and one in the living room. I have taken quiet time activities of my own to the kitchen or dining room in order to make more spaces for the children to have their quiet time. Pulling the couch out from the wall and putting a sleeping bag and pillow down can make another quick and easy private space. Children generally love closed in spaces like this, too. You can throw a sheet over a card table or the dining room table to make a 'tent.' Perhaps you can make room on a closet floor for a sleeping bag or toss in some cushions from a loveseat and a blanket. You can turn an easy chair with its back to the room and put one child in the easy chair and another on the couch or love seat on the other side of the room. These quiet spaces only take a minute to prepare, and are quick to clear away. The resulting refreshment to the soul long outlasts the time it might take to make temporary small spaces for quiet time retreats. I learned about Quiet Time many years ago from Elisabeth Elliot and her Gateway to Joy program. We have enjoyed her books as well, in particular: Keep a Quiet Heart Passion and Purity Be Still My Soul The Shaping of A Christian Family
Kimberly Answers
Naps and rest time are a big issue for parents, especially parents with small children. Nap/rest/quiet time has changed over the years in our home, but its still an important part of our day.
Keep it regular.
Our bodies function best when there is a regular rhythm. If we rest at the same time each afternoon our body anticipates that rest period and slows down making it easier to sleep. Having a regular bedtime and regular wake times also help promote regular nap times. There are some children who sleep LESS when they are overly tired.
Separate children if possible.

Each child needs a different amount of sleep and weve found that even though our children have always shared bedrooms, everyone is happier if we separate them for nap time. This allows those who need more sleep to get more sleep rather than being woken by their less-sleep-needed sibling.
Hold nap time loosely.

There were many times when our children were all young and I was in desperate need of quiet or extra sleep that events would conspire to prevent that from happening. Someone would fall asleep early and wake just as the others were going down. The phone would ring or someone would drop by just at nap time.
I think that being willing to give up my plans for nap time was an important part of me learning to be a little less selfish. So let go. Realize that you dont deserve a break from the children, a little extra sleep or an hour of peace and quiet, thats just a bonus if everything goes as planned.
Dont give up nap time too early.

All children are different, but simply because a child turns 5 doesnt mean he/she no longer needs a nap. When our children seem to be ready to give up their nap, I put them down as usual and set the timer for a half hour. They are required to rest quietly for 30 minutes. If at the end of that time they are still awake, they may read books in bed until rest time is over. It has frequently happened that a child has gone through a period of not needing sleep in the afternoon, followed by several more months of sleeping during that rest time. Most of our children have stopped sleeping during the day sometime between their 6th and 7th birthday, but a couple have given it up much sooner and some have given it up later.
Give them time to wake up.

Some children greatly benefit from quiet time after they wake up from a nap. When our little ones wake I give them a hug, a drink of water (they love having a sippy cup in bed with them) and a small stack of books and they sit in their bed looking at books quietly until they are ready to face the world again, usually 5-20 minutes.
Keep quiet time.

Even when our children stop sleeping during nap time, they still have an hour of quiet reading each afternoon. This keeps things semi-quiet for those who are sleeping and gives the older ones (and their mommy) a chance for some rest.
How do you find
time for projects

that need to be done, require focused attention and which the children cant
help with?
HOW DO YOU FIND TIME FOR PROJECTS THAT NEED TO BE DONE
Connie Answers
Remember when I recently painted this door with dry erase paint? Or when I showed you this free ugly dresser makeover? (You have GOT to see what this turned into!!!) Well, painting is one of those kinds of projects that needs to be done sans itty bitty busy hands. In case you don't believe me, imagine paint on a handmade smocked dress and in hair and on the carpet and the ceramic tile. Imagine footprints of paint leading down the hallway. Scared?
You should be. It could happen to you, and there's only one solution: Benedryl. Oh, lighten up! I'm only kidding! But what I'm not kidding about is that it is much easier and conducive to keeping one's sanity to do major projects, especially if they involve paint, whilst the little ones are slumbering soundly in their beds, altogether unaware of your covert painting ways, lest they bound from their beds and implore you to consent to their participation. Do not be fooled, young mother. Acquiescing to their pleadings is from the devil and will only cause you untold grief for nigh unto a decade as you look upon the
besmirched hand-smocked garment that you spent hours lovingly working on, only to have it permanently splattered with paint. No! You must, by all means possible, only paint under the cover of darkness during the wee hours while all of the things that belong to the day are fast asleep. At least that's how I do it. Except for this one time when I gave all my kids paint brushes and let them paint whatever they wanted and then framed it. Whichever works for you.
KimC Answers
Permit me to respond with another question: Do you mean projects like answering this question at the 11th hour because you totally forgot and are outof-state with sick children? Yeah, sometimes its more easily said than done. Sometimes theres nothing easy about it at all, and you just have pray for patience and thank God that your life doesnt depend on meeting a deadline.
10 Ways to distract, immobilize, neutralize, or otherwise incapacitate children while you work on important projects
1. Use DVDs to babysit. Yes, sometimes I do it. I try to limit the use of brain candy like this, but its effective when we choose to employ it. 2. Use other forms of brain candy that are normally restricted: video games, computer time, or finger paint. Just kidding about that last one. Were you paying attention? 3. Send them outside. Work during their usual playtimes, or just give them a fun picnic lunch and boot them out. Work fast, because they will be back. At least, we all hope they will. If theyre not, you just got a bigger project. 4. Put them to work. Assign a chore they can accomplish without oversight, or work on your project during their regular school/chore time. 5. Give them a project of their own. Let them start a fun, kid-appropriate project of their own that they can do independently or with whatever limited help/oversight you can provide while working on your own Very Important Project. 6. Work during naptime. If you dont have daily nap/quiet time, maybe you should start. This is very important recharge time for moms, and guarantees you a bit of time every day to work on whatever cant be done with rugrats underfoot. 7. Burn the midnight oil. With challenges like children, you cant necessarily choose your own hours. Keeping late hours can create problems of its own, but
in some cases it might be your best choice. Long ago, a young mom who looked remarkably like me spent several weeks sewing 5 fancy Easter dresses for 5 children 6yo and under, all between the hours of 10 PM and 2 AM. 8. Work in small bites. Yes, I know. Some projects go much better when you can dedicate a big chunk of time. Sometimes you just dont have the option of doing it that way, and it can still be done in small bites. You might lose some efficiency doing it that way, but if your free time comes in small pieces, youll be happier when you learn to appreciate and use it that way. 9. Swap babysitting with another mom. OK, this one is rarely practical for me, but many moms have friends nearby who are also craving some project time. Take turns entertaining the wee ones so your brain doesnt explode from over-stimulation when you try to concentrate on your task. 10.Learn to work with, around, and through distraction. Yes, everything goes faster and better when you can focus, but this is real life and you are a mom. Live it, learn it, love it. This is your life.
The DHM Answers

I have never been the kind of person who would rather just do it myself instead of having the clumsy, awkward, time consuming, and yes, sometimes begrudging, 'help' of children. Unless it is dangerous (refinishing furniture, wielding a chainsawwhich, btw, is too dangerous for me, too), then the children 'help.' If I am washing something, I give small children a spray bottle of water with some drops of essential oils in it, and a rag, and they spray and scrub away as ineffectively as they like. When refinishing furniture outside, I have given them a bucket of colored water, paint brushes, and pointed them to the garage, a tree, the side of the house, anything but me. When cooking, I have set them up with some ingredients and a few utensils, or some bread dough to mold away with their adorably grubby little paws. When packing up the house for a move (or unpacking), I have given them a box or boxes of things to pack or unpack that they can't really harm, and gradually moved them up to books. I have them put them in the same way, nice and flat, all facing the same direction, just tight enough that they don't wiggle, but not so tight that they're scrunched. When gardening, I gave them a spade, some dirt, a bucket, and boundaries and let them muck about happily in the dirt. Mostly, I have them 'help' by doing something totally different along side, right up until the point where they help by taking over and I sit and sun myself on the back porch. Or would, if I had a porch and didn't get terribly blotchy skin from the sun. I know I did some deep cleaning projects back in my younger years after the kids went down for bed. But then, some people cannot do that because they need more sleep. If you need it, you need it, and should get it without shame. Take advantage of naptime.
I never lived within walking distance of any family until my youngest child was about six. Except for one two year period, I did not even live in the same state, and sometimes not the same continent. I did, however, have friends, and sometimes we either swapped kids, or, more often, my best friend brought her kids to my house and she watched the kids while I did some deep cleaning or baking, and then I brought my kids to her house and watched the kids play while she did some more involved project. Wait 'til their father gets home. Sometimes I could do this. Sometimes their father was in Saudi Arabia and would be home in sixty days (and that's a short wait). Hence my laissez-faire attitude about big projects.
Kimberly Answers
When I am going to tackle a project the first thing I do is sit down and spend some time with my younger children. Something simple like reading a book or playing a game. Utilize nap or rest time for tasks that require focused, uninterrupted work. When Im ready to start a project the youngest child gets put into the ERGO (if possible) and the toddler is given a task to help mommy. Usually the toddler tasks involve running items here and there or fetching things. If Im deep cleaning then he gets a damp rag or perhaps even a spray bottle and cloth to help clean. A gate is a great tool to keep a toddler in the room with you, but out of the mess (especially if youre painting). Here are some long lasting, toddler pleasers for when little guy tires of helping.
Put out a circular gate

(This is not necessary, but helps define their area so that you dont end up with popcorn all over the house) and a variety of kitchen items (funnel, different sized containers, pitchers, measuring cups and spoons, etc) and un-popped popcorn kernels (or rice or pasta). The rules are everything should stay inside the gate (of course some will get out, but no dumping things outside of the gate), no throwing and no eating. *rolls eyes*
Play dough, moon sand and nger paint.

Preferably outside. (Our home has a gated deck that is ideal for messy activities. )
Butcher paper and markers Put them in a swimsuit

Put water in the tub and then let them play with Playmobile (or another toy not normally allowed in the bath). Do NOT leave them unattended, but this works if your project is in or beside a bathroom. If youve taught your children to play independently, now is a great time for them to utilize that ability.
Take occasional short breaks to love on those babies.

Play some fun music and stop working to dance through a song with them. It doesnt have to be long. They just want to be part of your day, everyday. Depending upon how much focused attention is required for the project and how old your oldest child is, perhaps the Isabella (1) helping with laundry project should not be done unless another adult is around to supervise the children. I recently posted about the importance of including your children in as much as possible. Every around-the-home project that I can think of has some aspect where children could help; gathering supplies, cleaning up trash, bringing you a drink or keeping a younger child entertained or away from project related materials can all be helpful. Think creatively, they may not be able to help with everything, but they can probably help with something.
How do you teach your children to do chores?
HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO DO CHORES?
Connie Answers
I think it goes without saying that it is very important to teach a strong work ethic to children. Around these parts, there is a lot to be done, so we need all hands on deck, but I even if I only had one child, I would be sure he or she knew the importance and had the privilege of doing hard work. I want to make sure my children reach adulthood being proficient at laundry and basic housekeeping skills, so I start them young and make sure each child has chores to do each day. It seems like I am constantly tweaking, rearranging, and reworking my chore system. Maybe it's because I keep waiting to find the perfect system, and I don't think there is one out there. One thing that never changes, though, is that I have to keep on top of who is doing (or not doing) what and how thoroughly it is being (or not being) done. In other words, my kids have never said, "Oh, look! Mom just made a handy dandy chore chart! Let's all work diligently from this day forth so she never has to worry about these pesky chores again." I've heard it said that moms shouldn't expect what we don't inspect. This can also be said, "While the cat's away, the mice will play." That's right. If you never check to see how the bathroom cleaner has been cleaning the bathroom, don't be surprised to go in there one day and faint dead away from the shock of seeing little petrified globs of toothpaste in the sink that have been in there for who knows how long. If the kids think I won't be checking their work, they tend to get lackadaisical about it. The most important aspect of teaching children chores is staying on top of it and making sure to check their work. See the following posts to find out the different ways I have handled chores: Scheduling Chores (video) Paid Chores Changing Chores Paint Chip Chore Cards Chore Wheels
KimC Answers
Chores. {cracks knuckles and clears throat} Helping with household chores is an important step in teaching children that we are not islands, nor are we a collection of bachelors sharing a house. We are part of a family, and our responsibilities extend beyond making sure that our own dirty laundry makes it into the hamper. Helping with household chores is one way that we learn to serve one another. Ideally this service is done with a Christ-like attitude, but that takes practice. On a more practical level, teaching children to help with chores also prepares them to run their own household someday. Contrary to what modern culture tells us, I believe that childhood is not 18 years earmarked for wasting; it is a time of training and preparing for adulthood. The better trained our children are, the more smoothly they tend to make that transition. One last benefit of helpful children is to lighten the mothers burden, especially in a large family. Some believe that a mother should do all the housework, and expect large-family moms to be worn ragged. This creates the impression that children are a terrible burden, and none of us can really bear more than one or two. On the other hand, helpful children in a large family can see what a blessing they are to the entire household; they see that being a mom of many doesnt mean being worked to an early grave. Rather, it means working side by side with those you love best toward a common goal. This is Christian living in action! Yes, Christian living happens in smaller households and often looks different, but this is the shape it takes in our house.
Thats why we teach our children to do household chores. How we teach them is a whole other matter. This is an area that requires as much diligence on the parts of the parents as the children.
How to Teach Your Child to do Chores

There are many ways to do it. The easy answer is to give birth to at least one child who is naturally responsible, hard-working, and self-governing. This child will see what needs to be done and do it without being told. She will even do the chores assigned to her less responsible siblings. The more children you have, the better your chances. I have at least one, but I cant tell you her name. She is currently in the witness protection program, and divulging her name might put her in grave danger. Other ways involve complicated systems of rewards and recognition. We have tried some of these methods but none worked for us over the long term, primarily because either I or the children eventually lost interest. But there is another way. Im not good at it because it means my attention span has to be longer than that of my children. Here it is in 5 steps, easily said but not so easily done.
5 Steps to Teach Your Children to do Chores

1. Let your children help you, even when its not helpful. They want to help while theyre little, but it slows you down. I know it. You know it. They dont know it, and you shouldnt tell them at least not until theyre older and youre explaining why they should let their 2yo sister help wash dishes. These early years go a long way toward forming a childs opinion of work. If washing dishes gives them warm fuzzy memories of time with Mom, youre well on your way to having a child who actually enjoys work. 2. Work alongside to train them. Its too easy to give instructions and then walk away, coming back later to check. But if you havent properly trained your child to do the job, its not fair to expect him or her to do it properly. Training must happen together. Also, see warm fuzzies above. And its nice to work alongside children who already know the job well. Dishes are more fun when you have company at the sink.
3. Set a clear standard. You may think straightening a room is no big deal, but details (baseboards, mirrors, under sofa cushions), definitions (clean? straighten? pick up?) and degree (just how clean does it need to be? white glove, or just non-hazardous?) are subject to interpretation. Make sure your children understand exactly what you expect them to do, especially when you want them to work independently. 4. Praise lavishly. Am I the only mom who feels like a failure at this? I want to help my children excel at what they do, and too often this takes the form of nit-picking. How often do we accuse our children of shoddy work and fail to recognize that details which seem obvious to us are all new to the inexperienced eye? There is a fine line between approving careless work and setting impossibly high standards. Try to find it. Let me know when you do, because Im still looking. 5. Inspect what you expect. Yes, you really do need to get off your um, chair and go see if the results are up to your expectations. You need to do this often so that children who are inclined to play the odds will lose when they gamble.
The DHM Answers

Children, I think, learn and develop a servant's heart by serving others, not by being given a full time maid in the form of a mother. That's also not just my opinion. We have the scripture (even a child is known by his actions), and we have some scientific research: Housework has unique value in instilling a habit of serving others. Analyzing data on more than 3,000 adults, Alice Rossi, a professor emerita of sociology at University of Massachusetts Amherst, found doing household chores as a child was a major, independent predictor of whether a person chose to do volunteer or other community work as an adult. Thus for parents who value service, housework is an important teaching tool. Making sure your children have regular, meaningful work to do around the home is virtuous. It is good for them. It is far kinder to them over the long term than it is to back off and let them avoid contributing their labor to the well being of the family.
We believe in children doing chores.

In fact, we believe in children working hard and contributing to the family's wellbeing. I grew up doing chores. My husband did not. Not one single chore was assigned to him at any stage in his life that he recalls, except during the reign of his favorite step-mother, and oddly enough, the rest of his kin-folk disliked his favorite step-mother and thought she was mean to him. I think during her very short sentence of marriage to his dad my husband had to do real slavish tasks like making his own bed and taking out the trash. I also think he was about 13. You may have some idea how my husband feels about that when I tell you that when our children were younger, he has assigned more chores to the 8 year old boy than to the 10 year old girl (I made up the slack there), and probably the proudest I've ever seen him as a papa is when we admire his little boy's work ethic, which is strong and tenacious.
Chores are for boys and girls:

We also are an old-fashioned family with old-fashioned values and we pretty much stick to old-fashioned gender roles in our family. Even so our boy does what other people call 'girl chores' and the girls do what other people consider boy chores. He helps: dust clean the dishes clear and wipe tables vacuum fold laundry and even cook The girls help mow yards muck stalls carry out trashcans with our tire retaining wall in progress in the front driveway I do not want my son to be helpless without a woman in his life. If his wife gets sick I want him to be able to be supportive and not an added burden and hindrance. I want him to know how to get some basic meals together for his family so that if meals are left to him at any time for any reason he can rise to the occasion without breaking the family budget. When our first grandson was just fifteen months old he had already started helping out with chores around his house. Some time ago his Daddy had him help to feed the dog. He would help scoop out a measuring cup full of dog food, and then pour it into the bowl. On his own, my grandson decided that when the dog has finished his food, his bowl should be tucked away in the cupboard. He also likes to try using the broom and the dustbroom. He helps to pick up and put away his toys, and this week
while visiting his other grandmother, he has been allowed to stand on a chair at the sink and 'help' wash dishes. My grandson lives in a small house, and he feeds the dog under the watchful eye of his parents. His 'chores' at this stage largely consist of working with his parents or under their direct and close supervision. Other things he might do: Help wipe the table clean if given a clean wet washcloth or sponge, well rung out, and while working alongside a parent (or older sibling if he had one) Help brush the dog Help water a plant if given a small, unbreakable creamer with just enough water in it for one plant. Help put wet clothes from the washer to the dryer (put the wet clothes on the open door of the dryer and let the little one push them in. When my oldest daughter was around two, she would help me mop my kitchen floor. She had her own small rag or scrub brush and I had my bigger one, and we would scrub while singing together "We are scrubbing Mommy's floors" to the tune of Jacob's Ladder. It was a very sweet time together. Around the time a child is two, he or she can: fold washclothes, pillowcases, and dishtowels put away silverware and plastic cups. Putting away the utensils is a self correcting task, and if they can sort a box of nuts and bolts or do a single piece puzzle, they can do the utensils. Carry things like napkins, cups, and dishes to and from the table. Set one cup at each place around the table. Have the toddlers work along side you, doing whatever they can do when they are small, and after a while they can do those small chores independently.
Then you can add other chores as they grow older. They can wipe out sinks (I think I was about five or six when scouring the sink first became my job and I loved it). dust, not a whole room at first, but certainly you can assign a specific piece of two of furniture, an end table or rocking chair, and teach them to do the job thoroughly make beds switch out laundry when it's donecarrying a basket of clean clothes into the living room to be folded, carrying baskets of folded clothes to the rooms where they belong hang clothes on hangers fold quite a few things help diaper the baby learn to make toast dry dishescups are a great first choicethe child puts the dish towel over his hand, puts the cup over the towel, then pulls the ends of the towel up over the cup and rubs it dry. Yes, this takes longer. But it's the worth the time you give to this now, and it will repay you in spades later. put silverware in the dishwasher clean cupboard doors, door knobs, light switches, stair rails, and spot clean floors can vacuum learn to weed knead bread learn to cook clean up after themselves learn to scrub vegetables, peel carrots (especially with the right tools), slice cheese with a cheese slicer, use an apple slicer to make apple wedge
entertain the baby take a spade and a bucket and clean up after a dog in the yard. What one child can't very well do alone, two can do togetherour youngest two started making their parents' bed when they were about six and eightthe reason was because they were usually in it by the time I got up in the morning, so they were the last ones out. They continued to make our bed in the morning because it hurts my back and my husbands steel-plated arm. If you live on a farm they can gather eggs, feed animals, water them, open the coop door to let poultry out, and later groom animals, shovel out stables and coops. Here are some of Blynken's and Nod's chores (six and three at the time this was written): Put away their toys Spray and clean light switches, door knobs, and the telephone Put dishes in the dishwasher that I have rinsed and hand to them Wipe the tables or counters clean Fold washcloths, their own underwear and socks, fold napkins Wipe the sink Carry their dirty clothes down Put away their clean clothes Sweep Dry dishes Here are a few of the chores our 12 year old does: Mow the lawn Grind coffee beans and make Mom a cup of coffee with the French Press Make fried eggs, scrambled eggs, saute mushrooms and garlic, cheese tortillas, and soup Empty trash
Burn the trash in the burn barrel Clean the kitchen Sweep Clean bathroom mirrors Clean out the fridge Weed Shovel snow Clean out the van Vacuum the stairs (this has been his chore since he was seven. We have a small vacuum with a long hose, and he loved to vacuum out the crevices of the stairs) The main thing is supervision and apprenticeship. First they do the chore with you and you explain what you are doing and why. Then you watch over them the first few times they try a chore alone, checking to make sure they follow the steps you expect to be followed. Then check on their work periodically. If you are watching you can see when you've assigned a task too hard or too easy for some reason. A shorter child will take longer to be able to manage the vacuum cleaner than a tall child, or you may realize your child is color blind when you ask him to sort laundry, or you may find that your child with ADD tendencies needs a short, specific list of things to do rather than a general 'clean the kitchen. These are generalities, not the final word in chores for the children in your family. In general, our oldest two were able to do just about everything by the time they were 12, including meals. The middle two were a bit older when they learned meal preparation, and the youngest two are not where any of their older siblings were at the same age because I slacked off badly. The Cherub, of course, is a category all her own. But if you include your children in your chores and explain what you are doing, by the time they are 10 or 11 they should be capable of doing just about any regular household chore except some of the kitchen tasks.
Kimberly Answers
Teaching children to do their chores is all about teaching children to work. And teaching children to work is all about diligence and self-control and learning that is a life-long project. Its not rocket science to give a child a cloth and have them dust beside you while you explain what youre doing. Its not hard to teach a child how to run a vacuum, mop a floor or wipe out the sinks. The challenge with chore training is to get them to accomplish their assigned tasks quickly, cheerfully, completely and consistently.
Train your children to work.

Start young. Young children love to help mommy. Let them help you as you go about your work. If you give them the opportunity, you will be surprised to see how helpful they will become and how much they will learn. Watching is learning at this stage. As they become more capable, give them their own chores. This gives them a sense of pride in their accomplishment and allows them to feel that they are really helping mommy. We use kid friendly cleaning products. White vinegar for disinfecting, baking soda for scouring, etc. Give them real responsibilities. At 4 years our children get real chores. This as the real beginning of chore training. They are assigned an area of the house that they are responsible to tidy and clean. This allows them to take more responsibility and gives us the opportunity to train them to be diligent as they move through several different tasks. I list exactly what they need to do each day and then check when they are done. Daddy gets more involved at this stage as he will frequently ask who is responsible for an area of the home and then will tell them how wonderful it is looking. Our children are so excited when daddy notices their area. There is certainly a sense of pride in a job well done and an area that is clean and tidy.
Set high standards. Consider what constitutes a job well done for each child and write it out as concretely as you can. Then consistently check to make sure your child is meeting your standard. If not ask them to return to the area and correct what still needs work. I like for our daily chores to take no longer than 30 minutes and we frequently use a timer to see who can make it within the time limit. Over the years weve also discovered some tricks that have helped us and our children to achieve a higher standard of work consistently. Plan strategically. Scheduling chore time immediately before a meal or snack can work wonders on helping children accomplish their tasks on time. Of course, our ultimate goal is that our children would do their work with the vision of bringing honor and glory to God, but sometimes dangling a carrot helps us get started along that road. Be positive. One of the signs that you have your childs heart is that they desire to please you, so giving them plenty of positive feedback during this training is vital. Praise, praise, praise Dont neglect communicating the correction, just couch it in lots of praise. Delay instruction If there is something that the child didnt do up to your standard (but you can see that they did attempt to do it), simply praise them for their effort and then BEFORE they do that task the next day give them instruction on how to get it up to your standard. Reward a job well done Often this is a natural result of their diligence and I simply point it out. Thank you kids for your hard work this week in keeping the house clean. Because of your help we have time to.. (go to the park, make cookies, etc.) Sometimes we make an effort to point out and reward those who are excelling Several of you children have been doing an amazing job on chores so you all are going to stay up late and play a game with Mom and Dad.
Work together. Children love the opportunity to work alongside their parents, so doing housework while your children are is a bonus. The children LOVE it when I decide to do some deep cleaning in their area and inevitably talk my ear off. Its just another opportunity to build relationships with these special people God has entrusted to my care. Check their work every. single. day. Have patience. I do not always demonstrate diligence and self-control and remembering that helps me to be more patient when my children fail. They will fail and I will fail, but it is reacting to that failure (as well as to success) in a way that brings honor and glory to God that is our goal and our purpose in life. More tips on teaching children diligence in their work.
How do you teach children to be diligent?
HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE DILIGENT?
Connie Answers
As for The Smockity Children, they, like most children, occasionally test the bounds of what is permissible when it comes to diligence. Every now and again, one of them will decide that they should try to pass off random numbers as math work or EXTRA. LARGE. WIDELY. SPACED. PRINTING. as a full page of journal writing. Remember when you tried to sign your mother's name to your failing spelling test in 2nd grade? And then you erased it because you thought it might be mispelled? And then you erased it again because you remembered your mother doesn't sign her name in large, ill spaced, printed letters? And then there was a hole where the signature was supposed to go from all the erasing? So you put a piece of tape over it and signed her name on top of that? And then you were shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that your teacher immediately knew what you had been up to? No? Huh. That must have just been me. Anyway, my point is that fortunately for me, my children are not very good at pulling the wool over my eyes. And fortunately for them, I try to make it very undesirable for them to try. I have been known to throw away papers that are sloppily done and have the child do it completely over, or give extra pages of math work when a child has written down random numbers instead of doing the problems. In addition to the very clear expectation that there will be extra work when it is done well the first time, we also read and memorize scriptures on diligence. Proverbs 13:4 The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat. Proverbs 10:4 He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent maketh rich. Proverbs 22:29 Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.
Proverbs 12:24 The hand of the diligent shall bear rule: but the slothful shall be under tribute. Proverbs 6:6-8 Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest.
KimC Answers
Im supposed to talk about teaching children to be diligent. My first tip: dont wait until 10 PM on Wednesday night to start the project that is supposed to be ready Thursday morning. Planning ahead = good. Procrastination = bad. The fact that I was busy practicing fiddle songs with the pastor for our churchs upcoming dance is no excuse. Did you know I played the fiddle? See? You want to know how to teach your children to be diligent, and already youve learned something: the mom who who is avoiding the subject has diligence issues of her own. Perhaps if I had paid more attention to my own deadline, my children would have more respect for the deadlines I set for them. This will be my first time to provide live music for a dance. We plan to play Old Joe Clark, Devils Dream, Irish Washerwoman, Boil That Cabbage Down, Blackberry Blossom, and Westphalia Waltz. I can tell you what I know, but Ill be talking to myself as well as you. I need to take my own advice! We have our moments of brilliance some members of our house more than other and some last for days or weeks, but we have not diligently applied the principles necessary to produce diligence. We are sporadically diligent, an oxymoron if there ever was one. I started the violin in 5th grade, just before my 10th birthday. I chose it because I was new at school and my new best friend was in violin class. It was my last year in government school. See? Again I wander. My mind is elsewhere, just like those of my children. Diligence requires the ability to focus on the task at hand. Other subjects may be worthy of interest but we have to stay on target. Perry and I have a little mantra that we have our children repeat from a very young age when they are learning to follow the simplest instructions and perform the easiest chores: What does diligent mean? They are to reply, It means quickly, without stopping. Its not a complete definition, but it get it gets the little ones pointed in the right direction.
So the children know what diligence is, but the question is how we can we teach them to be diligent. My interest quickly waned when my friend moved out of state, but my parents made me keep playing and required me to practice daily. Over the next two years, I learned to love the violin and was immensely grateful that they hadnt allowed me to quit.
First, we must give them the tools.

We must teach them how to be diligent. When it comes to schoolwork, one way we help our children learn diligence is by removing some distractions but not all. Too many distractions certainly slow them down and frustrate them. But in a house with people a family home they must learn to work through a certain level of noise, activity, etc. Otherwise they are vulnerable to every distraction that comes their way. This can be frustrating at first, but it pays off. A child doing algebra while a 4yo tornado whirls about in the next room is a beautiful sight. This skill will serve her well no matter where she finds herself in The Real World. We began homeschooling in my second year of violin, but that didnt stop my advancement in violin. There were 5 children in the house, 4 of them 6yo and under, but I found a quiet spot to make my noise. I continued to practice daily, fitting it into the new daily schedule. Unlike the first year, I required few reminders. When it came to violin, I was good, and I wanted to get better. Another way we help them develop diligence is by giving them practice, i.e. work. Childhood should not be all play, and we should not feel guilty each time we require them to work. The old adage says Lazy hands are the devils plaything. All of us need work, and children are no exception. Read the book of Proverbs if you doubt it. When I left government school, my teacher allowed me to pay for private lessons by cleaning house for him and his wife 2 hours in exchange for each hour-long private lesson. He even provided transportation both ways. It wasnt until much later that I realized what a huge favor he was doing for me. Not only was he teaching me to play better; he was teaching me to love work. I considered it a privilege to work in exchange for more work.
Second, we must motivate them to be diligent.

Just being capable of diligence is not enough. We need motivation to use that ability, and for children the motivation must usually be external. Motivation can be negative (the proverbial stick) and positive (the carrot). In our house, the stick often means loss of privileges or extra work. The carrot may be verbal praise, an ice cream date, or anything in between. After more than a year of hard work and good progress, my struggling parents scraped together the money to buy me my own violin in place of the loaner from the government school. My teacher sold them a beautiful old instrument from his fathers collection for the princely sum of $150. It was the best Christmas I had ever known. As they grow and mature, they should become more self-governing and motivate themselves. In the beginning, my motivation to practice was my dads command. I knew better than to defy him. Later, my own desire to succeed took over. I found myself in tears if I couldnt play a new piece to my teachers satisfaction not because the kind old man was a harsh teacher but because I was frustrated with myself. I knew I could do better. I knew I must work harder. We must remember the goal and keep it before our childrens eyes as well. Why is it important to be diligent? Because in all labor there is profit (Proverbs 14:23). Whether we eat or drink or whatever we do, we must do it all to the glory of God (I Corinthians 10:31). We must give it our very best, our all. As it turns out, thats not a bad definition for diligence. Many good things have come of my early lessons in violin, and not all are directly related to musical ability. My character and work ethic were being formed in those long hours, and I am still thankful today for the pressure placed upon that little girl so many years ago. I am also thankful for the ability to make a joyful noise unto the Lord! (Psalm 98:1)
The DHM Answers

Randomly ordered tips that might help you to teach your children to be more diligent workers, or not: Grumbling and complaining are unacceptable and should be immediately and consistently rewarded with more work to do (usually a toilet to scrub). You should do this with the kids, too. This word consistent is often a discouraging word, isn't it? But let me share that if you aim for consistency and fail you will still have far more successes than if you throw your hands up in despair as soon as you see the word and decide not to even try. That sentence was for me, Gentle Readers. Cheerful, uncomplaining work is balm to the soul and a lovely lubricant to the household gears and as such, should be rewarded with a smile and thanks and sometimes doing something fun togethera board game, silly song, rummage through the jewelry box or a glass of milk in the special cup. Do not give out a reward for getting work done. Any reward is the natural consequence for a cheerful attitude. The work has to be done regardless. Choose to do it cheerfully and get a reward or do it grumpily and discover another chore on the list, or be fined a nickel. Either way, the chores get done. Don't expect what you don't inspect. Pray. Sometimes when my kids were littler, I gave them nickels occasionally for good attitudes. They were young and nonmaterialistic and didn't know the value of money then, and I needed them to have a good supply of nickels If they weren't quite grumpy enough to be sent to scrub a toilet or some other extra chore, but weren't as cheerful as I wanted them to be, they were instantly fined one nickel (which is why I had to give them some nickels as a reward from time to time. This way we kept the nickels recycling).
Set a timer and insist the job has to be done within that time. If it isn't, you're selling the kids to the Gypsies. This probably won't work because the kids will figure the Gypsies will be easier to deal with. You could threaten to run off with the Gypsies, but the kids know the Gypsies will send you back. Remember that there is some natural aptitude at work here. Some kids will take to these lessons better than others. One important thing is not to be the sort of mother who, in frustration, gives in and does the undone work herself since the kids never did get around to it. I particularly dislike this as it is often accompanied by the Martyr Mother Syndrome, where the mother sighs heavily and looks overburdened while she does the chore she has CHOSEN to do. It is manipulative. She is also training her children to know that if they just wait long enough somebody else will do it so they don't have to, and this does not even have to be a conscious choice on the children's part. It becomes the comfortable reality of their world. As adults, their world will be far less comfortable and they will wretchedly wish YOU had been more diligent with them when they were young so that they could be more diligent now. Set out bowls of ice cream. Those who do their chore and do them well before the ice cream melts, get ice cream. I've never actually done that. It just sounded cool. MAKE them do what they are supposed to do. Don't sigh loudly and just do it yourself. Don't decide that it's too much trouble to ask so you will just ask less. Take away privileges, administer discipline if defiance is an issue, move dirty dishes out of your way and into their bedroom. Do not be Martyr Mother. There's a theme here. Talk to them. Make sure your expectations are clear. Here is an example of clear communication:, "You are STANDING on a piece of trash! JUST PICK IT UP! Nobody should have to tell you to do that." And also, "My living room is NOT YOUR TRASH CAN. Sweetie." Here is an example of unclear communication: Sigh. Work with them, alongside them, together. Do not complain about chores. Sing. Be cheerful.
All of my kids remember at some point that Daddy got them up (or mom) after they had already gone to bed and made them come back and do the dishes, or some other chore. A favorite saying of mine is, "If you think you don't have time to do it right once, you sure don't have time to do it twice." One more thing I have done is take them into a room and ask them to look around and see what needed to be done before we started. I told them they needed to clean so as to remove all evidence of what had been done in the room before they cleaned. We would talk about how a Nancy Drew or a Sherlock could walk in and tell that somebody had made toast with jam because of the crumbs, jam spots, and the toaster left out. After they cleaned, I would ask them to come back and look for clues, or I would get a big magnifying glass and hunt through the room, hamming it up, finding clues they missed, from a partially open drawer to a raisin on the floor, to a fingerprint on the dishwasher. I have also been known to take photographs of an allegedly clean room or area, and then play "What's wrong with this picture?" Oddly, my children do not find this game as amusing as I do. Here is where I have written on Initiativehow to instill it. Please, once more, do not be a Martyr Mother. It's annoying. It rewards your kids for being slackers, and it makes me look bad. At least it makes me look bad when my kids are young. Now, my kids' friends who have Martyr Mothers think their mothers are the bee's knees and I am mean. Once the kids are all grown up, the children of Martyr Mothers will weep with frustration and wish their mothers had been less selfish and more giving and self sacrificing like me. Yes, me. I make the great personal sacrifice of letting my son serve me omelets in bed and letting my kids do all the cooking and cleaning because I am just Incompetent. That's my best tip. Be incompetent. The kids pick up the slack, or at least you don't mind that much if they don't.
Kimberly Answers
When we talk about diligence we are talking about self-control one of the fruits of the Spirit. So when we teach our children to be diligent we are teaching them to demonstrate one of the fruits of the Spirit. Since our goals in homeschooling are not primarily academic, this lesson of diligence is central to our home and homeschool. It trumps reading, writing and arithmetic. In our home, it seems that we spend the first 1-2 years of our childrens life teaching them basic obedience and the next years teaching them complete obedience or diligence. We use the maxim, obey quickly, cheerfully and completely. We cancel plans, take breaks from school and sometimes dont leave the house when our children are having difficulty with these basics. We pray that God will help us to be deliberate as we make every decision and one of the ways this is born out is in our priorities. We believe that it is more important for our children to learn to obey (Col.3:20) than it is to go to the music lessons, get the groceries or learn math. I can give you all sorts of practical suggestions and things that weve done to teach and encourage diligence in our children, but it probably wont be anything new. If we fail to be diligent in our own tasks, if we fail to be diligent to require and expect diligence in our children (which is one of our God-given responsibilities) all the practical suggestions and tips anyone can offer wont amount to anything more than words on a screen. So if you want your children to be diligent, pray to be more diligent. Be diligent in your own tasks and responsibilities. Be diligent to build relationship and to seek your childs heart. Be diligent in your words. If you say it, do it. Be diligent to train your children. Be diligent to expect diligence. Perhaps this deserves more time, but just allow me to say that a child as young as one is perfectly capable of obeying simple commands (come here, dont touch, no noise, sit on your bottom), a
child of 2-3 is capable of completing simple tasks (pick up the toys, empty the silverware), a child of 5-9 is capable of completing complex tasks (clean the kitchen or complete this list of school assignments) and a child of 10-12 is capable of completing many adult sized tasks (paint the bathroom, mow the yard, get dinner on the table) all quickly, cheerfully and completely. Perhaps because of how we handle homeschooling (little to no busy work, lots of group reading and discussion) or perhaps because of our familys expectations, but certainly because of Gods grace, we rarely run into a habitual lack of diligence in school work and most of our diligence training comes in the form of chores and helping around our home.
Which parenting style is best?
WHICH PARENTING STYLE IS BEST?
Connie Answers
When I had only one child, I was what you might call the "hyper-vigilant parent". If she dropped her pacifier, I would snatch it up, sterilize it in boiling water, and let it cool for an hour before returning it to her. Now, if the baby drops her paci, we give it a good spit polish and give it right back to her. What?! We want the crying to stop! I used to hold my little toddler's hand to accompany her all over the playground. I lifted her to each piece of equipment, never letting go of her hand. Now, my toddlers explore the playground independently, under my watchful eye, to see which fun thing they can master on their own. Once, a plumber was at our house and in mid-conversation, he glanced out the window to the backyard. He suddenly became very worried and said urgently, "Ma'am! Your baby is climbing the slide!" "Oh, I know. She does it all the time," I reassured him. I have had other mothers at the park tell me in a worried tone that my baby was playing with a stick. A stick! When I was a new mother, that probably would have sent me running. No. Wait. Who am I kidding? I would have been holding her hand, so she wouldn't have had a chance to pick up a stick! Nowadays, I don't mind if my babies pick up sticks or rocks to explore them. If they chew on a stick, I don't freak out and snatch it away. I let them feel the consistency of bark in their mouths and discover on their own that bark is not pleasant to taste. I even let my toddlers fall down, if I know they won't be hurt. If I see them toddling up a low step or climbing on a low stool. I watch to see what will happen. When they roll off, I tell them they have just learned about gravity! Don't get me wrong. I am very watchful and careful if there is real danger. Whenever someone is backing out or pulling in a parking lot or driveway, we all hold hands. When we are swimming, everyone 5 and under wears floaties. We don't allow the petting of strange dogs, and I don't even mind that my little ones are afraid of big dogs. These are very real dangers. They can be seriously hurt or even killed in these scenarios.
It is when the situation isn't dangerous, that I let my children explore on their own, and maybe even receive a little bump on the noggin or a bitter taste in the mouth in order to learn about the complexities of our world. These days, I would describe my parenting style as "relaxed".
KimC Answers
Are you scared by this question? I am. Parenting styles vary immensely and can be a hot button topic, so theres room to offend everyone in one fell swoop. Im just kidding, though. If you know me or have been reading Life in a Shoe for more than 10 minutes, you know were not afraid to offend. We do try to avoid needless offense and let the Gospel offend, but even there we sometimes fail. Maybe I should just ask forgiveness in advance, though Im not at all sure forgiveness works that way. Maybe you should just close one eye and hum while reading, so that you miss the bits you didnt want to catch in the first place. I only generally recommend 2 books when it comes to parenting style. Im sure there are other worthy books, but these are the 2 that instantly spring to mind. The Bible comes first, of course. If you didnt see that coming, Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. The other is Shepherding a Childs Heart, by Ted Tripp. I have to confess that its been several years since I cracked the book, but I still give it to new moms at nearly every baby shower I attend. The basic idea is in the title: we must shepherd the hearts of our children. We do discipline, but we strive to identify and correct heart conditions rather than just dealing out swats for outward misbehavior. We dont want to raise children who just know how to comply with rules when necessary; we want to raise Christians who seek to obey and serve God with their whole hearts. Isaiah 29:13 Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men. 1 Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. In this sense, our parenting style has not changed much as we moved from 20yo parents of an only child to 39-year-old parents of 10. I hope our execution has improved; I hope we have become better at discerning our childrens motives and
emotions, and better at leading them (and occasionally kicking them) in the right direction. But our goals have not substantially changed. Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. But methods aha! Therein lies the rub. Some parents feel very strongly about exactly how one shepherds the child and the heart. We all like to think that our style is the Biblical style, but even that leaves much room for methods and actual practice, and I know that my own methods and practice are far from perfect since they are being executed by a very imperfect person. Romans 12:3 For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. I can tell you that the way parenting happens in our house has changed a bit over the years. Our first child had our full attention. She got away with very little, and was corrected immediately and sometimes sharply. As the years passed, we quickly added children. They were still under near constant supervision from me while they were young, but the mechanics were a little different. They did get away with things right under my nose because there were 4 of them and I only had 2 eyes. The girls have some great stories from these years, stories that are still surfacing. They should write a book someday, together. Ill buy it to see what other stories they neglected to tell me. Now that the very young are outnumbered by the more mature members of the family, there are eyes everywhere. Once again, the little ones dont get away with much. Since older sibs now help with supervision, discipline is different too, but its rarely needed because so many infractions are headed off at the pass. We have also learned that corrections need not be sharp. Children can learn to obey a soft, kind word as well as a sharp one, and will usually obey with a sweeter heart. I wish we had known this from the start. The echoes of our own sharp voices and words will doubtless inhabit our home for years to come. Proverbs 31:26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
Did you think I was going to tell you exactly how to do it? Ive posted about disciplining children in the past, but heres all you get today: Pray for guidance and discernment. Read your Bible. Proverbs is a great place to start. Proverbs for Parenting is a very helpful resource, but dont stop there. Talk to your husband. Read your Bible some more. Get counsel from godly friends who are close to you people who know you and your children. Read Shepherding a Childs Heart. Start over again at #1. Not confident that spanking is the best way? Heres an alternate method of discipline that seems to get good results.
The DHM Answers

Just as most problems started as solutions, most of us go into parenting with a strong idea about all the things we will never do, and this is mainly based on the things that were done to us which we did not like. I read once that when we go into parenting with a solid idea of all the things we will NEVER do and all the ways we will NEVER make the mistakes our parents did, no matter how sound those ideas are, no matter how many of our parents mistakes we may avoid repeating, we end up making just as many errors as our parents did. These mistakes are often equal to whatever grievances we bear against our own upbringing. It's just that they are different. Homeschooling is also like this. Those who homeschool reactively tend to burn out and give up quickly. The only time this doesn't happen is when somewhere along the way they have developed active, positive reasons to homeschool and continue homeschooling because they have positive goals and ideas in mind for what they are doing. They no longer homeschool merely because they don't want their children in the local public school. Basing your parenting style almost entirely on the fact that you don't want to do to your kids what your parents did to you is not a long-term strategy for success, either. We don't have a single 'style,' so far as I know, and we are rather eclectic. In some ways, we have changed over the years, sometimes growing more relaxed, sometimes tightening up. Parenting is not about the style of parenting you use or the system or the guru you choose. It's about your children and your relationship with them. It's about having enough common sense to completely dismiss advice that doesn't fit your family even if it comes from a trusted guru. And now, for something completely different, I think I'm just going to ramble through a free form, stream of consciousness sort of post on parenting in general, and sometimes, not so general. Buckle your seatbelt. The oxygen mask is just over head. In 1983, when I became a mother for the first time, I had a lot of opinions. Most of them have changed. One of my opinions was that parents who had their
children call adults Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. or Miss (did I get everybody?) Last Name, were authoritarian Victorians, and that parents who had their children say Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir were arrogant, authoritarian drill sergeants. Then my child learned to argue (concurrently with learning speech) with everything I said. And I discovered, serendipitously, that requiring her to say, Yes Maam, first, in any reply was almost magic. Now, understand, I did not forbid discussion. I know I am not infallible and sometimes give orders without all the facts, or I may have all the facts but haven't considered them properly. My children can (almost) always say, "Yes Ma'am, but..." Insisting on those two little words coming first ensures that whatever follows will be couched in a reasonable rather than a snotty tone of voice, and it surprised me how much "routine", arguing for the sake of arguing, it eliminated. For my child arguing had become a habit, not something she did out of principle. I'd simply let her develop the bad habit of answering everything I said with, "Yeah, but..." . Replacing the Yeah, but bad habit with the "Yes Ma'am" good habit was not very difficult and it made life so much more pleasant for all of us. One thing that has not changed is my comfort with being the parent. I don't know the source of this comfort, maybe it's just the 'lion' traits I have (from Gary Smalley's personality test), but I know that somebody has to have the final say and it's not usually going to be a two year old. We are a generation that doesn't want to grow up. Our children don't obey us because we are ambivalent about our right to ask them to obey. We don't feel like adults yet, and we don't want to be adults. I imagine even that word 'obey' makes some readers flinch. But obedience is a safety issue, not just a control/power issue (incidentally, it's a spiritual safety issue as well as physical). It is impossible to child-proof the world. Accidents happen, emergencies occur and most of us do take our children other places besides home. Children are wonderful people, but they are inexperienced in reasoning and the younger ones are developmentally incapable of some forms of reasoning. At certain ages, I believe it is totally appropriate, indeed beneficial, to expect obedience because we said so. Gradually, I expect my children not to need these external controls and that has happened with my older children. And of course, the fact that I believe I have the responsibility and authority to require obedience also means I have the responsibility not to abuse it by issuing orders for no other reason but to watch
my child hop. This carefulness about why we issue the orders we issue, along with consistency (no matter how much we desire to ignore unacceptable behavior just this one time) in consequences, produces trust as well, IMO. But also, our parenting style varies with the age of the children, naturally. In general, what we do with our children when they are small resembles most that style of parenting known as attachment parenting. Our first baby was born in 1983 and I did not hear of attachment parenting until our seventh child was born in 1998, but that's essentially what we did with one significant difference, we do spank, although probably not nearly soon enough. And we do smack little hands that probe electrical outlets and such. In some ways I have grown stricter since I first became a parent, and in some ways I have loosened up. Jenny commented recently that I've grown more relaxed, while my husband has gotten stricter. I told her I thought that was because when he was all loosey-goosey, plus gone 2-4 months a year. I had to be the strict one because otherwise, well, let's just say that my husband really, really missed his kidlets when he traveled, and was a doting Daddy, whereas I had to raise them, 24 and 7 and was better at seeing long term consequences of shortterm unchecked behavior. Daddy's home all the time now, every night, and the painful heartache he endured when he was absent has gone. I strongly agree with Phyllis McGinley's take on being a casual mother: "I remember...the wistful voice of a woman sitting next to me in the park not so long ago. "Mother wishes you wouldn't," she was repeating monotonously to her frail four-year-old. "Mother doesn't *like* to be hit in the head with a dump truck." The casual mother would have seen the dump truck coming and calmly confiscated it. Even I, in my benighted day, owned one abiding faiththat I was brighter and a great deal stronger than any four-year-old. If anybody got bruises from lethal toys around the house, it wasn't going to be me." (p 229) I love that, not least because I recognize the wistful woman at the park. True story I have been there when the child was swinging a cat around by its tail and the mother was merely saying, "Now, that's inappropriate." We heard this so often that 'inappropriate' became the family joke for wildly horrific behavior. As in, "I
read here that Johnny Jones set his school on fire, burned it to the ground, and was arrested while trying to paint the principal blue and paste price tags all over his person. Tsk, tsk. How inappropriate." So, our style was most like attachment parenting for babies and toddlers, growing into something with a little more mmph to it when the babies reach the defiant stages, while attempting to be a casual mother, a mother who is comfortable with rule setting, with authority, a consistent mother, and a mother who tones down her tendency to sound equally over-earnest and passionate about things like white bread, dog hair on the floor, the importance of nursery rhymes, and the necessity of avoiding all forms of fornication. And the Progeny reading this are likely saying, "Whew, if that was toned down...!" Naturally, I've made a lot of mistakes and I'm not done making them. I am a messy, imperfect human being, so is my husband, and so are my kids. I know there are other parenting styles. I don't know what they all are. I could never be a Gentle Mother because I'm too loud, too passionate, and too straightforward, plus, a few run-ins I've had with self proclaimed Gentle Mothers left me rubbing balm on my lacerated soul as I found them anything other than gentle. I'm not a huge fan of the Pearl's, although I've been told by my daughters that Jumping Ship is much better than their more commonly known book. However, I do know several families who love the Pearl's methods and they are families with lovely children, and I think it counts for much that their children are still in close relationship with them. We like Jonathan Lindvahl, especially what he's had to say about peer relationships and peer dependency, but we don't and never did intend to follow his approach lock, stock and barrel. I really loathe the Ezzo's methods and have been known to hide Babywise in thrift shops. I used to love James Dobson's Dare to Discipline. The EC tells me she thinks I should reread it before recommending it again, it's rather stuffed with psychology and some of it is just wrongheaded.
For many years people would recommend ATIA (Bill Gothard's group) to us, thinking that we already looked like an ATIA family from without, so it would be a great fit. We wrote them once for information and were so put off by what we received (in part, a contract we were supposed to sign. We didn't actually plan to do anything different from the things in the contract, but we strongly objected to the authoritarianism inherent in requiring a contractual obligation to use their materials). We weren't an ATIA family on the inside, where it really counts.=) And, of course, we love Proverbs. And don't lose sight of the individuality of your children and your relationship with them. For illustration, let me tell you about two parents. One, years ago, told me how when her son misbehaved she presented him with Bible verses for him to copy that addressed his behavior. Another told me never, EVER to use the Bible in that way because it would make the child loathe the Bible and it should never be used for punishment. Well, that kind of made a bit of sense if you ignore the fact that God himself says His work is profitable for reproof and correction (among other things). And the child of the first mother actually told her he loved it when she showed him those verses because then he knew his mom wasn't just making stuff up, she was showing him what God asked of him, and he loved it. But very likely, the second family had some personality dynamics that would have made the same successful approach family A used, a total disaster for family B. I said I was going to ramble, didn't I? I hope you read the three posts I shared up above. Here's the context: Really, we just have never been that big on gurus, especially when it comes to parenting. After all, gurus are too often changing their minds, and then where are you? One of those posts above was prompted by reading this article by Reb Bradley. As a parent, these are traps you should really avoid. It's not that he's writing anything new. I have books a hundred years old which advise parents not to live vicariously through their children, to be humble, to let their children take their own path, etc. But we can always hear it again.
Kimberly Answers
I do not believe that there is one right way to parent nor one correct parenting style. There are a lot of books and teachers who say the opposite, but Im convinced that there is great danger in a method that takes principles from Gods Word and ends with the conclusion that the Biblical way to parent is to have your child on a 3 hour feeding schedule by 6 weeks (or whatever other biblical standard thats not actually found in the Bible). Ive posted my concerns about this type of dogmatic teaching about parenting in the past (read the discussion in the comments). That said, there are biblical principles that every parent must apply, however, these will look different with different parents, different children and different circumstances. I will share some of our specific applications of these principles, but they are simply that, our applications of principles we find in Gods Word. Our parenting style has changed over the years, but the primary reason is that our circumstances have changed. When we had four children 3 and under I wasnt as laid back as I am today. Today, its easy to feed the baby on demand or make an impromptu run to the grocery store. Since Im not spending all my time surviving, Im able to parent more how I prefer to parent and it allows me to be more of a Yes Mom Here are some basic parenting principles.
Children need parents.

This is obvious in the design of creation. Biblically, children are created within the protection of a marriage covenant. Its obvious in Gods protection of marriage and abhorrence of divorce and its obvious throughout Scripture as you see that the commands about raising, training and teaching children are directed to the parents. Our personal application: We generally chose to maintain the family unit whenever possible. We rarely use babysitters to go somewhere without our children. When Mark and I wanted to
have a date we planned creative ways to spend time alone together. When I needed to go to the OB or run errands I took the children with me. Now that we have children old enough to babysit its much easier for Mark and I to spend time alone together. We try to regularly get out for a quick lunch while the children eat at home. Other than that we dont leave our kids unless they wish to be left (our big kids sometimes enjoy staying home and reading, playing games or catching up on school work). I still head to the grocery store, errands and the OB with several (or all) children in tow. Running errands with little children is a special blessing to both them and to me.
Children need God.

Our personal application: We pray that God will see fit to save our children and that they will love Him with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. We focus first on our relationship with God and next on pointing our children to that relationship. Your day to day decisions are vitally important in this regard. It doesnt matter how often you say that relationship with God is the priority if you dont demonstrate this by your actions. Are you willing for your child to fall behind in their Bible reading or skip family worship so that they can complete a school assignment or make it to soccer practice? Do you require your children to spend more time working on Latin or math than memorizing Gods Word? This is where our children really see our priorities. This is where the rubber meets the road. Weve chosen to homeschool. We believe that God had a good purpose when He gave the responsibility for educating children to the parents and we believe that the best way to fulfill this responsibility and teach our children the things God requires is to educate our children at home by following the patterns that God has given us in His Word.
Children need emotional care, relationship and comfort.

In addition to having a clean diaper, being fed and burped and getting adequate sleep, children need relationship and comfort. This seems assumed throughout Scripture as God uses the picture of a mother comforting her child to demonstrate how He cares for Israel. (Isaiah 66:11-13) Our application: We hold and wear our babies. We co-sleep. I nurse our babies at night. We talk to our children. We spend copious amounts of time with our children. We show our children that they are important to us, not because of their accomplishments, but because God created them and they are amazing people. We show our children that they are important, not by sacrificing so that they can have the newest, most cool gadget or clothing item but by giving them ourselves and our time. This is a blessing to the parents as much as it is a blessing for the children. Dont miss out on time with your kids!
Children need guidance.

(1 Thessalonians 20:11-12) Ive posted about how children need both discipline and instruction all based on a heart relationship.
How do you teach your children about the birds and the bees?
HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?
Connie Answers
We are mostly of the "less is more" attitude when it comes to discussing these things. "Just the facts, ma'am" pretty much sums up our curriculum in the, er, human development area. See? I don't even like to refer to it! Since we seem to have a baby every couple of years, and now that we live in the country and our kids have witnessed dogs doing... what they do, and baby goats being born, we do have questions that come up every now and then, and we try to answer those as succinctly and matter of factly as possible. And then I run into the bathroom and hyperventilate. I'M KIDDING! Mostly. Our children know and understand that God intends for husbands and wives to only ever love one another and keep themselves for each other. This means that loving one another physically in a romantic way is only for husbands and wives. They also know, from reading the Proverbs, that it can be a temptation to disregard this plan, and doing that is sinful and foolish. Beyond that, and teaching the simple biological changes that come with puberty, I am not an advocate of OVER education. You can see more of my thoughts about this trend here and how we address the dangers of promiscuous behavior here. We haven't used a curriculum or any specific book, but study the human body and how it works, along with reading scriptures to see what God has to say about using our bodies to glorify Him.
KimC Answers
If youre a mom, I feel safe in assuming that you are both a product of and a participant in sex. We can also assume that our children are now in one category and will someday join the other as well. In all seriousness, sex is an important part of the Gospel, where marriage presents a picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church. After all, God gave us an entire book about marital love in the Bible. So its good for them to know at least a little about it. The question, then, is how much? when? and whos gonna tell them??? Everyone is going to have different comfort levels and I dont think theres one right way about this. In some families, the mom may do most of the talking; in others, the dad will be more comfortable answering these questions. Maybe your kids aim their questions at the parent of the same gender. However it happens, be prepared. If you are flustered, embarrassed and uncomfortable when the questions start, your children will pick up your attitude and become hesitant to ask further questions. Thats a shame, because I really believe parents need to take an active part in molding their childrens view of sex and the body rather than letting children pick up the info from media, friends, and the world at large. Having said that, heres how it tends to work in our own household. First of all, we dont have The Anatomy Discussion. Were far more casual about the subject. Everyone changes diapers in our house, and the little ones often take baths together. I talk a lot during potty training, when formerly diapered parts become frequently exposed, the topics of natural conversation. We dont necessarily use all the correct anatomical terms, but we all know that some of us have girl stuff and some of us have boy stuff. Privates is a good gender-neutral term, but we dont object to the anatomical terms unless theyre being used for vulgar humor. We also dont teach that nakedness is bad. We teach that its immodest, or inappropriate for the present circumstances. Nakedness is perfectly appropriate under the right circumstances. Last year we had a newly potty trained 2yo who spent a lot of time sans bottoms. For the sake of modesty (both on her part and her 4yo brothers) we usually tried to keep her visually covered with a shirt that
was longer than usual, but I think it was perfectly appropriate and therefore modest for her to go about with no bottoms right now. On the other hand, when her hands go that direction, were quick to correct. That behavior is most certainly not modest in a public setting, even within the home. I dont want to teach her that parts of her body are bad, but she does need to understand that they are reserved for a certain time and purpose. We take a similar approach to the birds and the bees. We breed dogs and chickens. We used to breed gerbils and even rabbits, for goodness sake! Theres plenty of procreation around here. Hubby and I smooch freely in front of the kids. Our kids have a pretty good idea of how reproduction takes place, and they understand (on their various levels) that sex is a great blessing and a lot of fun inside marriage. We answer questions freely and frankly as they arise, providing just as much detail as necessary and appropriate, taking into account the inquirers age. Innocent questions about feminine hygiene products are a great opening to discuss impending puberty. Other questions deal more directly with sex. Sometimes its good to clarify exactly what theyre asking (But how does the baby get out?). Some questions are a little embarrassing to me and I dont see the need to hide it. Instead, I lower my voice and tell them the answer is a little embarrassing, but here goesand we giggle together. Rarely, the answer is simply, I dont think you need to know that yet. You can ask again when youre older. We have found that our kids have a good sense of what goes on behind closed doors from a young age, and weve always been rather frank and unashamed about it. They learn enough about the mechanics from seeing animals breed, and they learn how it fits into a marriage by seeing how we cherish our time together. They dont know or need to know all the details, but sex is not a taboo topic. And if we miss anything important, they can learn together with their spouse. Learning is fun, and you dont need to be an expert to take up this sport. :)
The DHM Answers

The Birds and the Bees for Mothers of Daughters
I am not a prude, but on the other hand, I am entirely too bashful to tell you all the proofs that I am not a prude. Combine that with my concern that in order to be crystal clear here and as accurate as I would be in a one on one discussion (preferably over email), I would have to use words that will show up on a google searchunfortunately perfectly useful words can also attract some bottom dwelling, scum-sucking, scavenger type creeps. So I'm going to come across a little ridiculous to some of you here and still too embarrassing for others. And then there is the fact that I do know that this e-book might not only be read by women, which is a bit awkward for me as I do consider some perfectly healthy topics of conversation not suitable for mixed company. So we shall tip toe through the tulips here and I shall seem a bit ridiculous to some of you and completely, scandalously, outrageous to others, and I can live with that because I hope that this will be helpful to some mothers of daughters. First of all, the whole birds and the bees thing is about both more and less than than first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. The birds and the bees, in other words, is not just about, er, issues of intimacy and where babies come from. Health is also involved. If we did not live in the real world but in a fictionalized Victorian era and your daughter was going to become a cloistered nun in a sheltered nunnery and almost never, ever see a member of the opposite gender and never hear of anything remotely related to conception and birth (again, this is imaginary, not real), then there would still be some things she would need to know for her own personal health, and that's really the scope of this posthow to broach the topic of monthly cycles, when, and some tools you might find useful. Your daughter does need to know this. There are physical conditions, aside from pregnancy, for which the early signs are changes in cycles, changes in monthly cycles, etc, and a woman who has never paid much attention to these is not going to be able to be as pro-active about her own health as she might be. It's important to remember that all families are different, children are individuals, and what is ideal for one would be appalling to another and
incomprehensible to a third. You make decisions on what is best for your family, and nobody knows your daughter like you do. Do not make reactive decisions out of horror or anger at what you own parents did or did not tell you or what some stranger on a blog tells you about what her parents did or did not do. I think it's a good idea to just have a general study of the human body no later than between 8 and 10; the digestive system, the respiratory system, etc. I'd repeat this in high school with more detail. But I think it's useful to give your kids a general idea of the internal workings of their bodies, a basic understanding of the idea that there are various organs with different jobs, and that what they do, choices they make; sleeping, eating, exercise, etc, (and I do hope you do not need me to spell out what falls under the broad category of etc.) can change how well these systems function. You don't even necessarily need to go into the specifics of the reproductive system at this point. It will also help you, I hope, feel more comfortable discussing this with your children when you are ready for a talk about the etc. side of the human system, and since you will have already discussed the stomach and how it works, the lungs, and what they do, maybe it won't seem too freaky to you and your children when you bring up fallopian tubes and what they do. Resources are listed at the bottom of this post. You want to explain to your daughter what menarche is before she gets there, but it's really not the end of the world if you didn't. Some kids freak out and think something horrible is wrong, although not all do. It's just not always going to happen in the quiet safety and privacy of your own home. Some girls will feel traumatized for life no matter what you tell them. (One of mine sat in my lap and cried for hours because she didn't want to grow up and one was thrilled to death because it meant she was growing up, and they had exactly the same teaching from me). So yes, you want to tell them what's coming before it hits them. It's much, much better if you do, it's just that you don't need to go drown yourself in remorse if you didn't, and if it is your mother who failed here, you need to forgive her and move on. Even if you didn't and your daughter is very angry now, if your relationship is otherwise good, I promise that some day she will get over it and think you are funny and quirky. Well, okay, I can't promise that because I am not your daughter. But I can tell you that your perspective on how your mother did or didn't handle this won't necessarily be the same in your forties as it was in your twenties. What's done is done, move on.
For those who haven't gotten there yet, fortunately, there are ways to tell that some big changes are going on in your daughter's life, and you can have up to two years warning. There is no set order for these changes, and some of them will be more marked for some girls than others. I did some googling so you don't have to in order to be sure I covered everything I thought important. I found it interesting how one site would say that one of them was the earliest sign and another would say that was the latest and there were other contradictions as well, even from sites written by 'experts' with degrees and everything. So keep in mind that you and your daughter are individuals and you will have to find the path to communication that is right for you.
Signs to watch for, in no particular order because this will vary.

Pimples Your daughter will need to start wearing undershirts or something else, you know? That whole training 'undergarment' thing is not about support, and it's not about encouraging little girls to grow up too soon. It's because little girls will be extra tender there. Their shirts might actually irritate newly sensitive skin, they will get hurt when wrestling with their daddy or brothers, or when playing catch and a ball hits them in the chest. Doing things they used to do without any problems will start to occasionally cause pain, and shirts and materials that once were modest won't be anymore. She needs deodorant. The hair on her legs is less fine than it used to be, and hair will show up other places where it wasn't before, and I hope that's all you need me to tell you. If your family is so private you never see one another in a state of nature (which is a euphemism of nekkid if you're even more private than that), then surreptitiously check her armpits somehow. Have her raise her hands to the ceiling while wearing a tank top or swimming suit, or while trying on clothes in the dressing room. Hair grows there, too, at about the same time as, um, other places. If you do the laundry, you may notice some slight changes indicated in what the Victorians and Edwardians once used to delicately refer to as 'linens,' and I don't mean sheets.
Moodiness This will vary with the child and it can be caused by other things. We had this 'talk' with one of my girls two years earlier than necessary (not that this was a bad thing), because we moved to Alaska and the change in sunshine levels (from a tropical island to the constant twilight of the great North) really was hard on her. She burst into tears for no reason at all, insisted nobody understood her (that was true enough), and just baffled her poor daddy, who would look at me in helpless and hurt bewilderment, asking, "What did I say?" My mom came to visit for Christmas and the second day she was there told me, "You need to have that talk if you didn't already. That child is going to go through puberty any day now." Later we realized it was the lack of sunshine and some of my girls didn't have the moodiness at all. Going along with the moodiness, some girls will just suddenly be more private, more prickly or less open than before. Sometimes this will be for other, more serious and even urgent reasons (abuse, drug use, really serious stuff that you need to address immediately), Sometimes it's just because they are embarrassed about the changes they see and don't know how to handle them. Sometimes it's because hormonal changes make their emotional signals a bit, well, haywire. Rapid growth Again, this won't apply to everybody. Two of my girls never breached 5 feet and there was never a time when they had what anybody would call a shooting up period. But for most of the rest, yes, there was a time when their feet grew so fast that we wondered if they were going to be wearing a size 13DDD shoe (they mostly stopped at 8), and where it seemed like I needed to buy them new clothes every three months because they were growing so fast. Boys will have these growth spurts all the time. Tthe girls seem to have this one last, big push where you wonder if they will be six feet tall by the time they are 13, and then they stop abruptly. Catching them in that growth spurt period is a good time. The girls will also get, well, hips, curves. Most of them will flesh out here. Their legs will no longer be toothpicks or, if they have been plump and adorable little puddings, they will seem to stretch out, elongate and the sweet little puddins' become shapelier. Again, there are variations and some girls are always going to have the figure of a slender snake, straight at the sides from hips to stomach, no indentation upon which to plant their hands when overseeing the work of the
menfolks and others are born to be curvy little dumplings of cuteness. That's just fine, it's just not so helpful when you are looking for 'signs.' When you see a couple of these signs and, again, the above is not a check list, every girl will not have every single sign in the same order, it's a good time to move from general discussions of basic human anatomy, modesty, self-control (learning self control in spending and in eating ice-cream does have cross over benefits in learning self control in other areas) into some specific information about the big change that is about to happen to your daughter. It's obvious (I hope) that you will want to mention that there will be, well, blood coming from a possibly startling location, which will be news to a home educated child who doesn't live in a household of big sisters or who has never had a female dog who hasn't been fixed, or who isn't pretty good at putting contextual clues together. This means one of mine needed everything spelled out and one of mine didn't bother to mention this big change in her life to anybody but just took care of things herself because she knew what to do and several fell somewhere in between. Basic hygiene, care and cleanliness should also be covered. Products to use (including home-made options), and be sure to offer vital practical instructions like 'do NOT clog up the toilet,' as well as what, if any, code word you family uses for the public shopping list posted to the refrigerator should be shared. In my parents' home, it was 'stuff.' In my family there was no code word because my husband refused to buy any such products, so the girls would just tell me. In one family, marshmallows written at the top of the list meant you-knowwhat, but marshmallows written anywhere else meant marshmallows. Some families are so open they just write down anything on that shopping list, or maybe your family sends the girls out to a hut in the woods to commune with cattail fluff. Whatever it is, explain it to your child because, I promise you, your family ways are not obvious and self-explanatory and everybody does not approach things the way you do (that's a generic you).
But there are some other things I think it's also important to address.
The role hormones can play on our moods. This is not to use as an excuse, but it is helpful to tell a girl who is currently not being bombarded by hormones that sometimes when you are under hormonal bombardment it clouds your judgment and reactions, and it's important to know that if the people you have always loved and found to be delightful companions are suddenly raging idiots who annoy you merely by existing, it's probably NOT something those people are doing. It's important to explain in advance that their cycles can create a negative filter through which they view others, and so it's a good idea to set aside important discussions for a bit later. Cramps and back-aches. My own mother never really had any unpleasantness associated with monthly cycles, so she didn't mention it as a possibility to me. When I was about 12, a friend's mother pointed out to me that my lower back aches and weepiness probably was cyclical in nature. It's a good idea to get in the habit now of marking the start and finish on your calendar each month. Girls will not be anything like regular in the beginning, but it's a good habit to develop, and a good way to learn to recognize your body's signals. The doctor is going to ask her if she's started. Some girls find that embarrassing, so warn them ahead of time. Also, discuss with them very clearly whether or not they want you in the room with them for future doctor's visits. Some doctors will try to kick Mom out and if the girl isn't clear that this isn't what SHE wants the doctor will assume Mom is just being a smother mother. If you are not a military family, you can easily change doctors if this happens. Also, FYI, most midwives will do feminine type exams and
discussions with girls, just ask. That's a much more comfortable and natural environment. And your daughter does NOT need an internal exam until she is, er, 'active' (and I'm not talking about playing a mean game of tag football) or in her early twenties. Its just fine to be embarrassed. Really. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "You know, this is a topic not generally discussed in public,so I don't have much practice talking about it and so as you can tell, I am very embarrassed and my own embarrassment is probably making you nervous. I'm sorry about that. I do want you to feel free to talk to me if you have any questions, and I really do not mind if I am embarrassed. It's okay to talk to me even if it makes me blush. Please do not worry about it. I would much rather you ask me a question and let me be embarrassed than have you wonder about things without answers, or get the wrong answers from somewhere else just to save me a few blushes. Maybe the more questions you ask, the less embarrassed I will get." Resources we've used include: Reader's Digest ABCS of the Human BodyI like the information on the various systems of the body. However, this is very thorough, not written from a Christian perspective of morality and the blessing of the human body, and you may not want to leave it lying around. You can tell your kids not to read beyond chapter ten, or whatever it is, but I think that's a bit hard on the kids. Either let them read it, read it together, or glean what you need from the book and get rid of it. Christian Liberty Nature Reader Book 5You should check to see if information is current, which will be a useful study in itself. It's written at about fifth grade level and is a useful look at the wonder of the human body. What all of mine remember about it is the digestive system. If you prefer, the Christian Liberty Nature Reader's are online here. Outside-In: A Lift-the-Flaps Body Book, This book is for younger children. Basic stuff on the digestive, respiratory systems and so forth. This was the HG's favorite book in kindergarten. Though, because it shows drawings of naked children, it may have too much detail illustrated for some of our more bashful readers. Anatomy Coloring Book, The (3rd Edition)This is for older students just because of the complexity of the drawings.
I Am Joe's BodyThis is helpful for Mom and high school students. Period.: A Girl's GuideI have a much older version, a 1992 reprint of the '79 version. I hate the illustrations, they are crude and vulgar. I don't mean in a sexual way, I mean they are scrawls and look juvenile. The updated version has better illustrations, but also some additional information I personally wouldn't use with a pre-pubescent girl. That said, this is a good resource for a bashful mom to read first, and then share the information with her daughter, or for a different sort of bashful mom to leave in the bathroom for her daughter to read. New Moon, the Magazine for Girls and Their DreamsIn 2002, I often picked up an issue at our favorite hippie health food store and we read parts of the issues together. I kept the January/February issue specifically for an article on sizing and selecting the right bra, and I like the stuff in it on being comfortable in your own skin. This is not written from a Christian perspective and I find the emphasis on self esteem tiresome and often misdirected. I love the lack of ads, the lack of dieting advice, the focus on health rather than weight, size, or popularity and the emphasis that body image should not come from pop culture. I do not love the decidedly feminist in that annoying "Why would anybody think any differently than us unless they just hate women or are afraid" fashion, tiresomely 'save the earth' through actions that won't make a spit of difference, sometimes new agey. You can decide for yourself, there is a sample issue available online. I think it's changed since I was buying it and the target audience seems to be younger. What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About MenopauseThis is excellent for all ages. I read it in my early forties and wished I'd had it at twenty. For a more general study for pre-teens, I really like Moral Principles for Young People. It's free online and there shouldn't be anything there to embarrass the most bashful maiden. It won't replace 'the talk,' but it is a good study. The same author also has Growing Up In The Lord for boys and Growing Up in the Lord for girls. We haven't used these last two yet, but I think we are going to use Growing up in the Lord for boys with our son. We know the father personally as well as his three of his four sons, and I do respect his sons' moral standards and behavior. It was also recommended to me by another mother with one son whose standards I respect. These are fairly straight forward explanations of the birds and bees from a Christian standpoint (emphasis on purity), with additional
information about basic hygiene (the boys' study covers information for both circumcised and uncircumcised boys). Also for boys: Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series)Be warned, this is pretty explicit and should be read together with a father and son if possible. This would be particularly useful if your son is or might be exposed to pornography or having a really rough time with his thought life. I didn't use these, but they've been highly recommended to me recently by some young mothers: The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls (American Girl Library Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health Take Charge Of Your Fertility: Teach Yourself Looking at the BodyExcellent for grade school study of the human body, strictly the less embarrassing systems of the human body, unless "a brown sludge called feces (and other, less polite names)" would be a problem for you. For more information, I found these sites useful: This is from a parenting website. This is also for parents, so it's user friendly This site has a flash diagram of the female reproductive system and a very helpful explanation of the process that should be useful. For more intimate information, you might find this post useful as it includes information like this: What boys need to know: Physical intimacy is intoxicating like alcohol. It will cloud your judgment, inhibit critical thinking, and make you do things that later you may regret. While physical intimacy is usually a strictly physical thing for a boy, it's a very emotional thing for a girl. And this:
What girls need to know: Physical intimacy is intoxicating like alcohol. It will cloud your judgment, inhibit critical thinking, and make you do things that later you may regret. And the consequences for girls are usually more devastating than for boys. Physical intimacy carries profound emotional feelings with it for girls, but boys usually DO NOT feel this. Generally speaking, boys are more detached from emotions than you are.
Kimberly Answers
Mark and I had one main goal when it came to how we wanted to talk our children about the facts of life, we wanted our children to come to us (rather than peers) when they had questions and to feel comfortable talking to us about anything. To accomplish this we didn't want to schedule a big "let's-sit-downand-talk-about-this" session, rather we wanted to give them the facts gradually over time as they were ready. We did this by encouraging and answering any and all questions that came our way. Questions have come our way easily for a number of reasons: We're with our kids all the time. We're constantly talking with our kids about all types of subjects. (Some people call this homeschooling.) Our kids read the Bible, they read the whole Bible and they read it frequently. We study the Bible with our children, we study the whole Bible with our children and we study it frequently. We've had a lot of babies and our kids are no strangers to pregnancy, birth and nursing. We have animals and plants. From the time our children were 3 or 4 years old we've been getting questions, questions like "How does the baby get out of mommy's tummy" and "What is a virgin". As our children have gotten older so have the questions, "What does, 'he wasted his seed on the ground' (Gen. 38) mean?" and "What is 'the manner of women'?" (Gen. 31:34-35) If you're going to take this track then you need to be prepared to answer the questions when they come and trust me, sometimes they come at unexpected times.
Tip: Once your children are old enough to understand that some of these things are not dinner table topics, it may behoove you to suggest that when they have a question and really have no idea what the answer will be, that they wait until they are alone with you to ask it. :) Heres how we answer the questions.
We answer according to what they're asking.

We do not want to burden our children with information before they are really ready for it, so our policy has been to completely answer their question without going into more detail than we think they are wanting. For example, when our three year old asks, "Mommy how does the baby get out of your tummy?" I may say something to the effect that God has created a special passage for the baby to come out so that it doesn't hurt the baby and it doesn't hurt mommy. However when our five year old says, "Mommy, where is that special passage?" then it's time for more information.
We give the information to all of the children who are interested and it is appropriate to give it to.
Some children will ask questions more easily than others, so when one child raises an issue we make sure to address it with any other children who may be wondering. Not only does this allow us to convey needed information, we also hope that it makes our more reserved children realize that it is fine and appropriate to discuss these things with us.
We answer biblically.
Some questions require a biblical perspective, when those come up we give it to them and include other passages that may apply. Don't be afraid to stall, gracefully. There have been a couple of times when a question came up at a bad time (company/children outside our family around) or it was a question that I wasn't prepared to answer cold turkey. At these times we may put them off, but not for long and we are the ones who bring the subject back up. We don't want them to think that we aren't willing to answer their questions.
If they're asking for specifics, it's probably not too early. Our children have different influences and exposures in their lives and my suspicion is that they have more exposure than we, as their parents, assume, so if they ask, answer. Despite our (we thought) well laid plan and all of the questions we fielded there did come a time when we felt our children needed more information than they had asked about. So at an appropriate time I brought the subject up with a group of our children. I read over From Girl to Woman for ideas on what to cover and how to cover it. This conversation fueled more questions and conversations and we've handled that as they've arisen. Based on current trends, I doubt that this will be needed with the boys or with any younger siblings.
How do you deal with sibling squabbles?
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH SIBLING SQUABBLES?
Connie Answers
As for the Smockity Family, we have recently had arguing over the unauthorized use of private property, namely a toothbrush. We try to provide personal storage space for private property, but occasionally a younger sibling will disregard the boundaries and use something that doesn't belong to her. This most often happens with the very young Smockities, and we tell them that it isn't nice to use someone else's things when they don't want you to. Then we encourage the older sibling to forgive the infraction and try to remember that apparently it is hard for little ones to resist using a toothbrush other than their own. I understand that this must be very trying when there is always a younger sibling messing up projects, spilling beads, and using special things not meant for them. We listen to complaints, chastise the guilty party, and then remind the big kids that they too were once small, clumsy kleptomaniacs themselves. Generally, and when their toothbrushes aren't being abused, our big kids think their younger siblings are about the cutest things since kittens were invented, so there are usually no grudges held. As for bullying, we have had a case where 2 girls had a tendency to unkindly boss around a younger sibling who shared a room. We moved the younger sibling to a room where she was the "big girl" and the problem was pretty much cut short. Arguing... yes, we have it. Yes, I hate it. I usually find that the worse my attitude is, the worse the sibling arguing is. Whenever I notice the children arguing and having generally bad attitudes, I know to examine myself and my own attitude, because the apple, as they say, doesnt fall far from the tree. If I can straighten up my own attitude, and then repent and ask forgiveness, this usually does a world of good and creates harmony in the household once again. I have heard it said that the man is the head of the home, but the woman is the heart. This is so true. If my heart is pure, and I am acting and speaking in a way
that brings glory and honor to God, I usually see my children following my example. My children have responded very well to this Fruit of the Spirit Printable, also. I have them place a small heart on anyones chart in the appropriate space if they see any of the attributes being demonstrated. They also give themselves a star when they display the attributes.
KimC Answers
If you want to know how to avoid sibling squabbles, I have to confess I dont have the answer to this question. We have our share of bickering and bossiness. I like to think our children are best friends and get along wonderfully, but that doesnt mean they are perfect. They bicker and squabble over the most ridiculous things. They remind me of a couple of other sinners I know, whom the children also happen to look like. The important thing is that they also admit fault, ask forgiveness, and keep being best friends. In a coincidence of astounding proportions, this is also a very accurate description of the relationship between me and my sweetheart. The fact that we dont set a perfect example doesnt mean we are allowed or obligated to tolerate or condone strife and contention in others. It means we need to take the problem all the more seriously, beginning with ourselves but doing our best to nip it in the bud with the children as well. The Bible has a lot to say about strife, contention, and those who cause it. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression. Proverbs 20:3 It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling. Proverbs 17:14 The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled with. Proverbs 6:16-19 These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, an heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren. When we correct the kids, we emphasize that one persons sinful attitude does not justify the sins of another. We are each responsible for our own sins. At the
same time, when arguments happen I try to impress upon each child that she probably could have ended or defused the situation by exercising humility, and her pride led her sibling deeper into sin as well. If your children are struggling in their relationships with one another, you might want to read Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends as a family. Website description: This painfully honest, hilarious book offers a creative look at how to build relationships between siblings. The goal is not just for brothers and sisters to get along, but to be best friends. Sarah, Stephen, and Grace Mally reinforce, in a fresh and innovative way, the very principles we parents talk about daily with our children. Each sibling wrote a section of every chapter, offering their unique perspective, with riotous personal anecdotes, all related to how the three of them became best friends. We read a few pages every day, and I am always delightfully surprised by how well the children remember and apply what we have read.
The DHM Answers

We are talking about sibling tiffs. In my family they are tiffs. We address this issue when the children are still very, very small and just need help with self control issues. We had, for example, a problem with a wellintentioned, affectionate child who would begin by stroking hair and end by tugging on it, mostly because enthusiastic stroking resulted in fingers tangled in the hair and pulling, which would offend the victim and that would in turn upset the hair puller. What we had to do with that was just forbid hair touching, period. With small children and behaviors like that I like tomato staking. Some kids take much longer to understand how another person feels about their exuberant affection or the difference between a pat and a tap. With tomato staking the child stays with you every waking minute so you can be proactive with redirection, encouragement and training the moment that the child needs it or if you are very good, the moment just before the child needs it. Thats what we do for small children and small tiffs. When I was a child, there were no tiffs. There were only wars. My brothers and I have punched each other, knocked each other down, kicked, scratched, bitten and twice rocks were involved. One of those times resulted in stitches and we weren't really even fighting that time. One of us was merely disgruntled with the other. Recently one of my kids' friends posted one of those This is how you see it, this is how mom sees it, and this is how I see it pictures to her Facebook. It showed two siblings fighting for the first image. The image for how mom sees it was two siblings hugging, and mom is thinking Arent they cute?. The image for how the siblings themselves see it was something like Atilla The Hun wreaking havoc and destruction. At our house this poster would be a lie. I tend to see all sibling bickering as the third picture, open war, probably because sending my brother to the emergency room by splitting his skull with a rock is not even the worst thing I ever did when fighting with my brothers. Oops, did I just reveal who hit whom with the rock? We engaged in psychological warfare that was much, much worse. So, yeah, my youngest daughter saw this picture and thought, "Totally NOT my mom."
My youngest two, who bicker more than any of the other kids did, see all their tiffs as the second imagea sign of affection. And since nobody has ever had to go get stitches in the skull because one of the kids biffed another in the noggin with a rock I guess we're good. Or we would be good, if my childhood behavior were the standard which, fortunately for the entire universe, it's not. I have very little tolerance for sibling bickering, but my kids still sometimes bicker. The younger two do it because they think it's funny. They are 13 and nearly 16 (this month) and still think that the scene in The Emperors New Groove, where the two children are engaged in that ubiquitous intellectual pastime of two siblings exchanging witty remarks like, Uh-huh, yuh-uh, uh-huh, yuh-uh... is the height of hilarity. That kind of thing I mostly just grit my teeth and ignore or I leave the room, leaving a chore or two behind me that they get to complete, because they dont mean to be fighting, they think they are playing. For the more serious stuff... Why do kids fight, anyway? Sometimes it begins with selfishness and harsh judgment, but I also think sometimes they are just habits of bad temper and poor self control. Some children just have choleric, to use a word fashionable in some circles, dispositions. They are crabs. They are self-willed enough to not inflict the worst of their crabbiness on their parents, but their siblings are not so fortunate. Punishment will not lessen the selfishness, nor will it do much towards reducing harsh judgment, but it WILL help many child learn some self-control. It will help them to stop and think before they lash out in word or deed. It is an excellent tool. You simply do not rely on punishment alone. You help the child put off vice with punishment, but you help them put on virtue through other techniques. When our first two were quite young, whenever they fussed at each other in that manner that makes most parents despair that their children will ever get along and love each other and makes me, at least, want to stand by the wall and beat my head against it, my husband instituted the following punishment. I confess that the first time he did it I wanted to beat my head even more. I thought he was nuts and that this would never work.
What he did is tell the girls, "God gave you to each other as sisters. He put you in the same family for a reason. Your mother and I love you both with all your hearts, and it grieves us all to listen to you being so ugly to each other. Obviously, you don't appreciate the blessing you have. So you must act as though the other did not exist. You may not play together, speak to each other, look at each other, or any way acknowledge the other one. You don't appreciate your sister, so you will spend some time as though you have no sister." I don't remember how long this punishment lasted, sometimes as long as the rest of the day, sometimes only a few hours. I do know that it was never very long before they were literally pleading to be allowed to have their sister back again. They both still remember this as perhaps the most wretched and effective discipline of their lives and I have heard them recommend it to others. I think it worked as well as it did because they did actually adore each other. They just hadn't learned self-discipline. They were also the only children we had at the time, so they had no other playmates in the home to play with. I think, but am not sure, that another part of this discipline was along the lines of a restriction. If you can't appreciate and love your sister, you certainly don't need to be off playing with the neighbors up the road.' Another disciplinary tactic that we have seen work to make children stop and think before they speak is to use vinegar or lemon juice in response to hateful words. When they speak to each other with 'that tone' or use words that are intended to hurt, I have given a small spoonful of vinegar or lemon juice, or sometimes touched their tongues with a bar of soap just enough to leave a bad taste. (I had a child who liked straight lemon juice and didn't really mind straight vinegar, hence the soap). There is a little speech that accompanies this. It goes something like this: The Bible says pleasant words are like a honeycomb, but your words just now were nothing like sweet. When you talk to each like this it leaves a horrible sting and a nasty, sour feeling behind, much worse than this vinegar tastes. We are supposed to use our words to build one another up, not to tear each other down. I want you to remember this taste. Talking to each other like you just did leaves behind a much worse taste than this, and you cannot easily wash out the bitter, hateful flavor of the words you have just said.
After their little lecture, they are permitted to go get a drink or brush their teeth. Very occasionally, I followed up with a bit of honey and told them that their speech should be sweet like honey. Other times I just waited until we had something with honey in it and would remind them that this was how their words should make others feel. A little of this sort of talk goes a long wa, and it is easy to numb the impact by overusing it. These are two disciplinary tactics that worked for us with the older five girls. I also think they worked as well as they did because they worked in conjunction with the fact that the girls spent more time with each other than with anybody else. We do fun things together as a family and my husband and I have a low tolerance for sibling rivalry. They also worked well in conjunction with 'putting on' the virtues. I don't think there's any single tool in the parenting bag that works across the board in isolation. We did not just focus on putting off. And they worked because of the personalities of those five older girls. The personality of your children is a significant factor here. I am fairly certain that if Equuschick and Pip had been the first two children the separation idea wouldn't have worked at all. They are both too exactly like each other, and neither would have been willing to concede anything to anybody. What works for you may well be different and perhaps nothing much will work at all. This is not intended to come across as me, the perfect Mother with the perfect children, issuing pronouncements from on high. Although I find it burdensome and discouraging, if I look at it the proper way, bickering and arguing amongst siblings is an opportunity. It's a golden opportunity to help each child learn to consider the other rather than himself, to see things from somebody else's point of view. Take a typical sort of incident where you come upon two angry children, but you don't really know who did what to whom. First have a brief cooling off phase. I think it is important that the cooling off phase be brief, or else it becomes a sulking and dwelling on the wrongs others have done to us phase. Some parents just dismiss these incidents because they didn't see what happened. I think there are ways and means of getting to the bottom of what happened in many cases whether you saw it or not, and I think it's important to try. Otherwise, you leave an ill-tempered or deceptive child with
an unfair advantage. Of course, my thinking on this matter may be influenced on the rock incidents of my youth. I forget now who we learned this from, but when we are trying to sort out a quarrel we try to get our two belligerents to tell us the problem from the other child's perspective. Naturally, they do not do this willingly or well, but I find it helps to sort out what happened by asking a couple of careful questions after they have gotten their version off their chests. After the quick cool down period, invite one child to come and tell you, not what happened, but what the sibling will say happened. This is important and it takes work. We often have to ask more than once, Do not tell me what you think happened. I want you to tell me what your sister is going to tell me happened. When he or she is finished, ask, "And is there something else that happened just before your story starts?" You see, quite possibly it is true that child B grabbed the fly-swatter from Child A and started hitting her with it, just as Child A has reported. Possibly, and even more likely, Child A has neglected to tell you that the story actually began when Child A called Child B a rude name or started the hitting herself. Do not assume your child has told you the whole story from beginning to end until you've heard from all the witnesses and participants. It is also helpful to ask, "Is your sibling going to tell me the same story when s/he comes in? Is that what s/he will say happened?" The tendency, of course, is always to minimize and rush past one's own wrong doing, a discerning parent can usually tell. The child will say something like, "Well, I was just playing with the truck and teasing, and then,taking a deep breath and speaking very fast, or else talking much more quietly here as though this will keep you from noticing, and-then-I-ran-it-into-her-leg-but-not-veryhard-at-all and then FOR NO REASON SHE JUST HIT ME and-I-hit-back-butjust-barely-and-not-very-hard and THEN SHE GRABBED MY TRUCK AND THREW IT! Another sort of child will open its eyes quite wide and look openly and utterly disingenuously into her parents' eyes while uttering the most shocking untruths. Sometimes this is done when the parents mistakenly believe that they have managed to whip out vice and this rooting out of vice suffices for planting and
nurturing virtue. Other times, it is simply a case of a clever child with a strong sense of her own cuteness. A discerning parent is one who recognizes that her children are not perfect and no matter how carefully she has taught them that lying is wrong, she must be open to the possibility that even quite nice children get carried away with the emotions of the moment, still do wrong, still lose their tempers, and still do not quite admit fault with complete ease and accuracy. Sort of like grown-ups. And speaking of grown-ups, Leader Scott wrote the following in a parenting magazine in the early 1890s: But neither rules nor aphorisms are of much use without example. After all, the real makers of the household atmosphere are the parents themselves. If they are not at one the household peace falls apart. Mother's champion and Father's followers will be at strife among themselves. Where parents work together in sympathy the family will be knit in the same bonds; but if the husband finds fault with his wife, or shows disrespect to her before the children, the brothers will certainly treat their sisters in the same manner; and where the wife complains of "papa's unfortunate temper," or lets the children hide their actions and thoughts from him in fear of a scolding, she divides them with her own hand, and sows the distrust and defiance that make quarrels not only possible, but probable. How important is it to take care of the sort of biting, cutting, tearing down, bickering and arguing that our culture makes the stuff of sitcoms? I don't recall where I read this, but I have observed it to be generally true, we tell our children to assess prospective mates by how they treat their parents, but prospective mates are more like peers. The way your children display their irritation and annoyance with one another is most likely going to be the way they fight with their future spouse. Do not, by ignoring it now, allow bad habits to take root and grow into established practice.
Kimberly Answers
I want to be honest about this topic because I think that many parents don't know how beautiful sibling relationships can be. Much like the teen years, many parents have wrong assumptions about sibling relationships. They think that fighting, name calling and 'bullying' are a normal part of the brother/sister relationship. We have found this assumption to be false. Don't misunderstand, our children aren't perfect. They sometimes argue and/or respond to each other impatiently or unkindly, but other than a short learning stage during the toddler years (when it seems that there is constant fighting) our children's relationships are generally characterized by love, kindness and self-sacrifice. Sibling relationships need not be characterized by sin anymore than the marriage relationship should be characterized by sin. All relationships will be affected by sin, but by God's grace and mercy we can have relationships that are characterized by the fruit of the Spirit. Here is how we deal with arguing and fighting. Here are some ways to cultivate beautiful relationships among your children. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
Kaitlin (14) and Amber (15): Sisters and best friends
Pray that God will bless your children's relationships

Ultimately God is the only one who can change your children's sinful, selfish nature and give them hearts that long to please Him and serve others.
Give them an example of godly relationship.

I hate to say this one because I fail multiple times each and every day and the
Amber (15), Matthew (12) and Kaitlin (14) play football with Dad at the park
Amber (15) Isabella (1) and Nicholas (3)
primary sins that I see in our children's relationships are sins that I regularly model for them. Our children's relationships are certainly not a result of my godly example, but rather of God's grace. That said, striving to put before them a godly example is vital.
Give them time together.

Relationships develop when people spend time together. If your children spend most of their time with a peer group, the peer relationships are what they will value, almost always to the detriment of sibling relationships. (I suspect this is because because most peer groups aren't composed of friends who encourage children to godliness.) Our family has observed a striking contrast between sibling relationships in friend's children who spend many hours a day with peer groups and sibling relationships in friends children who spend most of their time with siblings and parents. If your children spend most of their time alone, they will value being alone and choosing what they want to do, when they want to do it. It's difficult to learn to serve or to sacrifice self, if we spend much of our childhood serving self.
In order to develop strong relationships siblings must spend time together and must be involved in each others lives.
Sadie (8) helps Isabella (1) ride her bike
Isabella (1) and Sadie (8)
Don't give them too much space.

If you followed the above link to my post on solving sibling squabbles, you will see that we have given our children a specific method, based on Matthew 18, for solving conflicts. This biblical pattern works beautifully, if it's followed. As sinners it's our children's nature NOT to handle a conflict biblically and so until they consistently and reliably follow the pattern given in Matthew 18 they need supervision. And until BOTH parties are willing and able to solve the conflict at step #1, they need a parent available for step #2 and/or #3. I often think of Ephesians 6:4, when it comes to sibling relationships. Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. If adults need the Matthew 18 pattern to solve conflicts (and they do), shame on parents who tell their children that they need to work things out on their own. God knows adults aren't able to solve all problems without outside help, we should not expect it of our children. That said, as our children mature, they rarely need to come to us and are able to solve most conflicts with simply the first step of Matthew 18.
Make relationship a priority.

Please do not underestimate the importance of relationships! When Adam sinned the consequence was a breaking of the relationship between God and man and the purpose of Christ's life, death and resurrection was to restore that relationship.
Our family with a family webe been friends with I believe that Satan rejoices when he since we began having babies. We love their godly sees constant name calling, bickering encouragement and companionship. and fighting within the families of those who claim the name of Christ. Our calling as parents isn't to take the easy way out and the godly discipleship of children and building of strong, godly family relationships is not easy.
Here are a few simple ways that our family makes relationships a priority:
Nothing is more important than teaching our children to have a relationship with God. We spend time together as a family. (Lots of time, everyday) My series on capturing your child's heart We homeschool with a focus on relationships. (6 ways our homeschool is different than most) We consider relationship in the 'little' decisions. ( Who sits by whom in the van, room sharing, homeschool curricula, family activities, individual activities, daily schedules, etc.) We strive to be given to hospitality. Hospitality does not require a large budget or endless resources, but hospitality always requires a little bit of self-sacrifice and self-sacrifice is always beneficial to building relationships. We carefully consider the friendships that we encourage both in our children and as a family. Do not be misled
1 Corinthians 15:33 Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners We view our primary parenting responsibility to be to teach our children God's mighty works and His law. By Gods grace and a commitment to faithfully applying all of Gods Word to all of your life, we can have relationships that proclaim to the world that we are His disciples. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
Appendix A: Master Chore List

Age 2-4:
fold washcloths and dishtowels sort and put away clean silverware from dishwasher empty small trash cans into kitchen trash help sort clean laundry wipe baseboards & doors feed dog help Mom move laundry from washer to dryer restock the diaper basket run small errands like fetching diapers/wipes or putting things in the trash help add ingredients while you cook dust small pieces of furniture help clear table put their own toys away wipe down chairs and high chair after meals make their own bed sweep under table with dustpan and brush or sweep up piles with dustpan and brush help water plants, if given a small measuring cup or pitcher and told not to put more than one pouring in any plant. feed fish wipe doorknobs and light-switches if given a spray bottle of home-made cleaner and told to spray only once on each light-switch.
APPENDIX A: MASTER CHORE LIST
Age 5-7:
put away dishes in low cabinets put away own laundry fold laundry dust clear and wipe table spoon feed baby sort & match socks wipe bathroom sink & vanity sweep small areasentry ways or stairs dry dishes spray and wipe cupboard doors weed, with supervision collect pine cones or kindling for wood stove bring in the mail amuse younger siblings while Mom works nearby set the table wipe fingerprints from walls help younger siblings dress spot clean floors and baseboards help mom with just about anything
Age 8-12:
sweep mop empty dishwasher clean toilets wash/dry laundry help bathe little ones wash dishes breakfast, lunch and snack planning and preparation vacuum sew on a button brush a younger siblings hair or braid it dust make sprouts weed a garden cut out coupons
Age 13-18:
iron meal preparation laundry steam clean carpet organize closets organize garage clean out refrigerator clean oven mow lawn run errands grocery shopping coupon match-ups menu planning meal preparation
Appendix B: You Might Be a Large Family If...

a family of 4 dropping in for dinner doesnt affect your menu or portion sizes. you cant decide if you need to order two of the Family Deals at Pizza Hut, or three. Or maybe four your children think it would be weird to have their own bedroomor their own bedor their own dresser the 6-year-old can trace the genealogy of the shirt she is wearing back to the oldest. the children are lonely when there are only four of them home. your friends invite you to a birthday partyand you are the only guests. if the socks are the same color, they match. If they fit, theyre yours. ditto for shoes. youre hoping for twins next time, so you can finally get group rates at the theme park. you buy an annual family pass when you go to the zoo, because its cheaper than paying admission for everyone just once. your children have to take turns at tea parties, because the set only comes with four cups. you leave half of the children home when you shop, and people still ask if theyre all yours. two carts just arent cutting it at the grocery store. you snicker at food labelled, family size. your family can devour an entire watermelon for a snack. your daughter remarks that the tiny 7-oz cinnamon bottle is running out too quickly. your medium saucepan is 4 qts.
APPENDIX B: YOU MIGHT BE A LARGE FAMILY IF...
anything less than a dozen eggs is not enough to scramble for breakfast. it doesnt seem worth the effort to make just a single batch of cookies. you drive a 15-passenger van because its the most fuel-efficient vehicle that fits your family. you wonder what youll drive when you outgrow the 15-passenger van. your small car is a mini van. your 15-passenger van gets mistaken for a preschool van because of all the carseats in it. your family is counted everywhere you go. you take up an entire pew (or more) at church. your kids think a family with six kids is small. complete strangers surreptitiously take pictures of your family or ask to be photographed with your family. people ask if you want your own TV show. people mistake your family for a birthday party or daycare. people seem to have hearing problems when you tell them how many children you have. you must reserve multiple hotel rooms because of fire regulations. you go through a whole loaf of bread to make sandwiches. youre still homeschooling your younger children while your oldest children are making you a grandmother. it takes at least two weeks for the flu to run through everybody in your family. if you need more than one dining room table. if the dollar menu still costs your family fifteen dollars, and that was without drinks.
Fruit of the Spirit Printable

Instructions:
Print out a Fruit of the Spirit chart for each member of your family. Go over what it looks like to show love, joy, peace, etc. Have each person draw a heart on the appropriate attribute on their siblings page when they witness it being demonstrated throughout the day. When they demonstrate the attribute themselves, they should draw a star on their own page in the appropriate space.
e ov
e ac e
Fruit of the Spirit
Good
ess n
Se
ntrol -Co lf
Patience
leness ent G
Kindn
s es
Faithfulne
ss
2012 4Moms35Kids.com. Single family use only. Please do not redistribute.
Joy
Sermon Notes Printable

Instructions:
Print out the Sermon Notes page and fold. Show your young child the symbols and explain that they should make a tally mark on the correct page whenever they hear that word in the sermon.
Love
Jesus
2012 4Moms35Kids.com. Single family use only. Please do not redistribute.
Bible
!
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4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions

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4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions

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4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions

How do you get your family to church on time?

How do you teach children to be still and quiet in church?

How do you prepare children to be around unbelieving family?

How do you keep things fair for all your children?

How do you keep your patience in the midst of chaos?

How do you manage outings with only little ones?

Do you ever feel discouraged or overwhelmed?

How do you teach your children to do chores?

How do you teach children to be diligent?

Which parenting style is best?

How do you deal with sibling squabbles?

Why This Ebook?

How do you get your family to church on time?

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

Lay out shoes and Bibles the night before.

Limit and rotate "special" hairdos.

Just say no to fancy breakfast fare.

Have a "load up" routine.

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 9

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 10

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

The DHM Answers

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 11

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 12

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 13

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 14

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 15

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

Prepare Saturday evening

Set the alarm for Sunday morning

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 16

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

Use the buddy system

Unchecked little boy

Checked little boy

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 17

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FAMILY TO CHURCH ON TIME?

Leave time to x hair, make beds and clean up messes

Plan some more extra time

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 18

HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE STILL AND QUIET IN CHURCH?

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 20

HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE STILL AND QUIET IN CHURCH?

Give a pep talk before you arrive.

Arrive early enough to take care of bathroom trips

Decide if you are going to allow scribbling, quiet toys, etc.

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 21

HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE STILL AND QUIET IN CHURCH?

Plan for training.

Have high standards but realistic expectations.

Dont sweat it.

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 22

HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE STILL AND QUIET IN CHURCH?

The DHM Answers

FOUR MOMS OF 35 + KIDS ANSWER YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS | 23

HOW DO YOU TEACH CHILDREN TO BE STILL AND QUIET IN CHURCH?