A blind man decides to visit Singapore.

> >> >> He gets on the plane and feels the Singapore Airlines seats. > >> >> "Wow, these seats are big," he says. > >> >> The person sitting next to him says: "Everything is big in > >> >> Singapore." > >> >> When he finally arrives, he decides to visit a bar. He orders a beer > >> >> and feels the mug. > >> >> "Wow, these mugs are big," he says. > >> >> The bartender tells him: "Everything is big in Singapore." > >> >> After a few beers he asks where the toilet is. > >> >>"Second door to the right," the bartender says. > >> >> But the poor blind man trips, misses the second door, and falls into > >> >> the swimming pool through the third door. > >> >> Scared to death, he shouts: "Don't flush, don't flush!" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> A Singaporean crashes his car. He leaps out of the car crying: > >> >> "My Mercedes, My Mercedes!" > >> >> A passer-by rushes up, asking in amazement: "How can you be concerned > >>about > >> >> your car? Your arms have been ripped off." > >> >> The Singaporean looks down: "My Rolex, My Rolex!" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> Four guys - a Saudi, a Somalian, an Iraqi and a New Yorker - are > >> >> walking down a street. > >> >> A reporter comes running up and says: "Excuse me, what's your opinion > >>on the > >> >> food shortage?" > >> >> The Saudi says: "What's a shortage?" > >> >> The Somalian says: "What's food?" > >> >> The Iraqi says: "What's an opinion?" > >> >> The New Yorker says: "Excuse me? What's excuse me?" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> Two guys get really drunk and decide to fly an airplane. > >> >> They fly over the city and it's time to land. > >> >> "Damn," says the first guy. "That's the shortest runway I have ever > >> >> seen. > >> >> How is one supposed to land on it?" > >> >> But since it's the only one available, they try anyway. > >> >> They crash, but miraculously escape unhurt. > >> >> "I'm going to get the man who designed this crazy runway," swears the > >>first

> >> >> guy. > >> >> "No one could land on anything so short." > >> >> The second guy looks around and says, "Yeah, but look how wide it > >> >> is!" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Mr Greenberg, a World War II veteran, goes to a Chinese > >> >> restaurant and sits down. > >> >> When the waiter comes up, Mr Greenberg slaps him across the face. > >> >> "What was that for?" asks the outraged waiter. > >> >> "That was for Pearl Harbour," says Mr Greenberg. > >> >> "But I am Chinese, the Pearl Harbour was attacked by the Japanese," > >> >> says the waiter. > >> >> "Japanese, Chinese - it's all the same," says Mr Greenberg. > >> >> He finishes his meal and gives the waiter his credit card. > >> >> On seeing his name the waiter slaps him across the face. > >> >>"That was for the Titanic," he says. > >> >> "But Titanic was sunk by an iceberg," protests Mr Greenberg. > >> >> "Iceberg, Greenberg - it's all the same." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>DOnkey > >> >> > >> >>An American cowboy went to a restaurant with his S'porean gal. > >> >>Signalling to the waiter, he said, "I wanna beer for myself," and > >> >>pointing to his gal, "an orange juice for the DONKEY." > >> >>Reading the menu, he said," As for appetiser ah wan a chicken > >> >>soup. For the DONKEY, a mushroom soup; a steak for me and a chicken > >> >>for the DONKEY and lastly, for dessert, ice-cream for me and some > fruits > >> >>for the DONKEY!" > >> >> > >> >>After ordering the meal, he excused himself and went to the > >> >>gents. > >> >>The appalled waiter couldn't control himself anymore and asked > >> >>the lady, "Excuse me, miss, why your boyfriend treat you like that > >> >>and > >> >>call > >> >>you Donkey? Aren't you angry?" > >> >> > >> >>"Ya lor, He Hor always treat me like that wan. He Hor always so bad > >> >>wan. > >> >>He Hor got no respect for me, wan, He Hor......" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~!

> >> >> > >> >> > >> >>2 Ah Lians went to Compass Rose to have dinner. Then when they > >> >>wanted to get down, they were confuse by the lift buttons and > >> >>they don't know which is the one for the ground floor. After a while, > >> >>one of them pressed the 'G' and the lift took them down to the > >> >>correct floor. > >> >> > >> >>Impressed, the other Ah Lian asked her friend how she know which > >> >>button to press. The proud Ah Lian said smugly, "Aiyah, so itchy, > >> >>'G' for Gero what." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who > >> >>was > >> >>in charge. > >> >> > >> >>"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's > >> >>systems, so without me nothing would happen". > >> >>"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen > all > >> >>over, so without me you'd all waste away". > >> >> > >> >>"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and > >> >>give all of you energy". > >> >>"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for > >> >>waste removal". > >> >> > >> >>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in > a > >> >>huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible > >> >>headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. > >> >>Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum > >> >>should be the boss.

> >> >> > >> >>The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be > >>in > >> >>charge.. > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome Captain > >> >>Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. Sorry we are four days > late > >>in > >> >>taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery. > >> >> > >> >>This is the one two six flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that > >>we > >> >>will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. > >> >>Andif you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real > >> >>Punjabi will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers! > >> >> > >> >>Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem > >> >>because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be > >>counting > >> >>all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very > >>good > >> >>record for safety. In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are > >>afraid > >> >>to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our > >>passengers > >> >>end up at their destination. > >> >> > >> >>For those of you who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of > >> >>experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however,you are still > worried > >> >>then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court > >>settlements. > >> >>We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a > >> >>surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll > >> >>turn them off! > >> >> > >> >>We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary tea > >> >>during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only > >>airline > >> >>who can help you find out if there really is a God! Sadly, today's > >> >>in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgotto record it > from > >> >>the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be

> >>glad > >> >>to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through > >>the > >> >>window. > >> >> > >> >>Although there is no-smoking in this aeroplane, you may find that > during > >> >>the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds > >> >>over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling > us > >>to > >> >>slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Punjab Airways. Not only do we > >> >>provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free bathing costume > >>to > >> >>the aunties and a swimming short to the uncles! > >> >> > >> >>Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not > >> >>Punjab Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible > for > >> >>the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us > >> >>know. Our Co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that > guy > >> >>who crashed into the White House? Well it is the same bloke! > >> >> > >> >>Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you who > >>can't > >> >>find a belt please tie your own leather belt to the door handle. And > for > >> >>those of you who can't find a seat, sit on your suitcase instead. > >>Sorry, > >> >>but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my > >>nephew's > >> >>wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the > >>cockpit. > >> >> > >> >>Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. We guarantee that we may not > >>always > >> >>take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!" Have A > >> >>Nice Journey??????? > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Ah Beng's was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 > >> >>This is what he came up with. > >> >> > >> >>1 fine day I go 2 climb up a 3 beside a appartment to peep. Been > >> >>seen by the couple in the room, I got panic and had a great 4 . > >> >>The man rush out and had a 5 with me. > >> >>

> >> >>I run away to 6 for help. > >> >>Ended up running into 7 eleven, I grab some 8 and throw at him and pull > >>out > >> >>a 9 to stab at him. And 10 hor ....10 hor .... ....10 .....he die > >> >>lor............ > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Want to know what 2, 4, 6, 8, 9 means, then read below!!! > >> >>It is difficult "2" find job, But it is equally difficult to > >> >>work "4" people. > >> >>After sometime, you will be "6" of them. Working too hard will > >> >>make your body "8". > >> >>Anyway this is good, because when you are tired, you should have > >> >>a good "9" sleep. > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The > >> >>turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is > >> >>struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she > >> >>stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she > >> >>wails.Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last > >> >>minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, > >> >>but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had > >> >>it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a > >> >>WOMAN??" > >> >> > >> >>For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, > >> >>and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the > >> >>plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you > >>feel > >> >>like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing > >> >>black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, > >> >>unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is > >> >>breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. > >> >> > >> >>He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches > >> >>her, > >> >>and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and > >> >>whispers... "Iron this." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things > >> >>people actually said in court, word for word.

> >> >> > >> >>-------------------------------------------------> >> >> Q: What is your date of birth? > >> >> A: July fifteenth. > >> >> Q: What year? > >> >> A: Every year. > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > >> >> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > >> >> A: Yes. > >> >> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > >> >> A: I forget. > >> >> Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've > >> >> forgotten? > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. > >> >> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. > >> >> Q: How long has he lived with you? > >> >> A: Forty-five years. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: And where was the location of the accident? > >> >> A: Approximately milepost 499. > >> >> Q: And where is milepost 499? > >> >> A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Sir, what is your IQ? > >> >> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? > >> >> A: After the accident? > >> >> Q: Before the accident. > >> >> A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue > >> >> lights flashing? > >> >> A: Yes. > >> >> Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? > >> >> A: Yes, sir. > >> >> Q: What did she say? > >> >> A: 'What disco am I at?' > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he > >> >> doesn't know about it until the next morning? > >> >>

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ? > > > > > > > >

>> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

>>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: Did he kill you? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: How many times have you committed suicide? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? >> A: Yes. >> Q: And what were you doing at that time? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: She had three children, right? >> A: Yes >> Q: How many were boys? >> A: None. >> Q: Were there any girls? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? >> A: Yes. >> Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? >> >>------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: Mr. Slatery,you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,didn't you >> A: I went to Europe, Sir. >> Q: And you took your new wife? >> >>-------------------------------------------------->> >> Q: How was your first marriage terminated? >> A: By death. >> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

> >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Can you describe the individual? > >> >> A: He was about medium height and had a beard. > >> >> Q: Was this a male or a female? > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition > >> >> notice which I sent to your attorney? > >> >> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? > >> >> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? > >> >> A: Oral. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > >> >> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > >> >> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? > >> >> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an > >> >> autopsy. > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> > >> >> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > >> >> > >> >>--------------------------------------------------> >> >> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a > >> >> pulse? > >> >> A: No. > >> >> Q: Did you check for blood pressure? > >> >> A: No. > >> >> Q: Did you check for breathing? > >> >> A: No. > >> >> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began > >> >> the autopsy? > >> >> A: No. > >> >> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > >> >> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > >> >> Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? > >> >> A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law > >> >> somewhere. > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to > >> >>visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one

> >> >>house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came > >> >>to the door even after he had knocked several times. > >> >> > >> >>Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back > >> >>"Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. > >> >> > >> >>The next day, as he was counting the offering he found > >> >>his card in the collection plate. Below his message was > >> >>notation "Genesis 3:10" . > >> >> > >> >>Revelation 3:20 reads: > >> >> > >> >>"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear > >> >>my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and > >> >>will dine with him, and he will with me." > >> >> > >> >>Genesis 3:10 reads: > >> >> > >> >>"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, > >> >>and I was afraid, because I was naked." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> A Blonde Joke > >> >> > >> >>This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all > >> >>blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she > >>would > >> >>show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, > >> >>while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to > >> >>repaint the living room. > >> >> > >> >>Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the > >> >>distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and > >> >>found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed > >> >>that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat. > >> >> > >> >>He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged > >> >>that she was. He then asked what she was doing. She replied > >> >>that she had set out to prove to him > >> >>that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint > >> >>the living room. He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket > >>and a > >> >>fur coat. > >> >> > >> >>Her response was that she had read the > >> >>directions on the paint can and they said, > >> >>FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on

> >> >> death row waiting to go in the electric chair. > >> >> > >> >> The chemist was brought forward first. > >> >> > >> >> "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the > >> >> executioner, strapping him in. > >> >> > >> >> "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the > >> >> switch and nothing happened. > >> >> > >> >> Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner > >> >> is to be released, so the chemist was released. > >> >> > >> >>Then the biologist was brought forward. > >> >> > >> >>"Do you have anything you want to say?" > >> >>"No, just get on with it." > >> >> > >> >> The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing > >> >> happened, so the biologist was released. > >> >> > >> >> Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. > >> >> "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. > >> >> > >> >>"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the > >> >> blue wires over, you might make this thing work." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Moral of the story....ALWAYS ACT BLURR > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at > >> >>McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and > >> >>an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully > >> >>divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, > >> >>one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then > >> >>he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set > >> >>that in front of his wife. > >> >> > >> >>The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, > >> >>with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to > >> >>ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for > >> >>them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old > >> >>gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and > >> >>everything has always been and will always be shared, > >> >>50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going > >> >>to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >>

> >> >>A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and > >> >>shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery." > >> >> > >> >>The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for > >> >>the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?" > >> >> > >> >>She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided > >> >>to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is > >> >>feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, > >> >>coming to work late, and so on. > >> >> > >> >>Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. > >> >>"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, > >> >>but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" > >> >> > >> >>The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Three engineering students were discussing the possible > >> >>designers of the human body. One said, "It had to be a > >> >>mechanical engineer -- look at all the joints." > >> >> > >> >>Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer > >> >>-- the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of > >> >>electrical connections." > >> >> > >> >>The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. > >> >>Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through > >> >>a recreational area?" > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. > >> >>The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the > >> >>car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the > >> >>first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, > >> >>directly behind the newly minted driver. > >> >>

> >> >>"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery > >> >>after all those months of sitting in the front passenger > >> >>seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to > >> >>his father. > >> >> > >> >>"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick > >> >>the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been > >> >>doing to me all these years." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and > >>chaps > >> >>went to a bar and ordered a drink. > >> >>As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. > >> >> > >> >>After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are > you > >>a > >> >>real cowboy?" > >> >> > >> >>"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking > >> >>horses, > >> >>mending fences... I guess I am," > >> >>replied the cowboy. > >> >> > >> >>After a short while he asked her what she was. > >> >> > >> >>"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young > >> >>woman, > >> >>"but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole > >> >>day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think > of > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright red wagon for > >> >>Christmas. His friends were writing letter to Santa Claus, > >> >>so Johnnie decided to do them one better. > >> >> > >> >>"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, > >> >>I will not fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then > >> >>Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, > >> >>ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and

> >> >>wrote anew: > >> >> > >> >>"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat > >> >>all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, > >> >>that means spinach and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever > >> >>keep that promise. Then Johnnie had an idea. He threw away > >> >>the paper and went downstairs to the living room. > >> >> > >> >>From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's > >> >>statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen > >> >>he wrapped it in newspapers then stuffed the newspapers into > >> >>a grocery bag. He took the package upstairs to his room, > >> >>opened the closet and placed the whole works in the farthest, > >> >>darkest corner. Then he closed the closet door tightly, took > >> >>a new sheet of paper and wrote: > >> >> > >> >>"Dear Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..." > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!@~! > >> >> > >> >> > >> >>The class went silent when Professor H. went on stage. "Ladies and > >> >>gentlemen, this evening is going to be exciting. Some of you'll get > >> >>a chance to hone your impromptu speaking skills. I'll randomly > >> >>select the lucky ones through your student numbers. When I call > >> >>your number, come up to the rostrum and pick a topic from this box. > >> >> > >> >>Each of you will be given 5 minutes. I'll be your timekeeper. > >> >>After all the speeches, you'll vote the best speaker for the > >> >>evening." > >> >>The night was going smoothly but without much excitement, We clapped > >> >>at the end of each speech and Professor H. nodded his head saying, > >> >>"Good job." I heaved a big sigh when the second last speaker finished > >> >>her speech. "It won't be me, I know it." I thought to myself as I > >> >>relaxed after nearly two hours of sitting upright and slouched in the > >> >>chair. > >> >> > >> >>"783! ... eliza mohammad, the last lucky gal for the evening." > >> >>Professor H's big blue eyes scanned the hall from above his > >> >>bi-focal. > >> >>My heart skipped. My body stiffened. My toes became numb. My fingers > >> >>froze. With trembling hands, I unfolded the paper and saw the word > >> >>"Banana". My heart did a somersault while my mind ran like a headless > >> >>chicken screaming silently, "Haah? Baah-naahnaah-s!" > >> >>I blinked my eyes and 200 pairs of Canadian blue, gray, brown and > >> >>green eyes glared mercilessly at me. > >> > > >>