This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Doug McClure email@example.com PLEASE NOTE: This is an unfinished work based on an idea by Jacob Adam. This took form in a burst of inspiration and never was fully formed. If you feel so compelled, collaboration is certainly an option.
FADE IN: EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY/NIGHT The screen explodes with a propaganda ad for the Boy Scouts. It is reminiscent of one of those military commercials, dripping testosterone and with heart pounding music. On the screen we see a fast flurry of scenes asking us to believe scouts are rugged, savvy woodsmen as opposed to nine year old kids in neckerchiefs. A TOUGH GUY voice is heard as the visuals flash by. TOUGH GUY (V.O.) Today's scouting, where young boys come build new relationships... where they learn skills from older men... where they experience the pleasures of hands on service. More visuals climaxing with a freeze frame of an excited boy's face. TOUGH GUY (V.O.) (CONT'D) Today's scouts, where a boy discovers the man inside him. The spot cuts to a questionable looking SCOUT LEADER with a pornstache dressed in scouting attire. SCOUT LEADER The Boy Scouts of America... where everything is about scouting for boys. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The lights come up on a conference room. We see several business types transfixed by the presentation. Most shuffle out in disbelief leaving only two behind. A logo for Scutum and Wise Public Relations hangs proudly to one side. Their slogan, "Where your fantasy becomes their reality" appears below. MARSHALL, 29, an affable guy with an inherent innocence easily read in his slightly puppy dog eyes, stands in front eagerly awaiting feedback. He seems a wholesome, boy-next-door type... naive and unassuming. SCUTUM, 60, a silver-haired executive, finally speaks up. SCUTUM Marshall.
2. MARSHALL Marsh. SCUTUM Marshall... Just Marsh. Marshall... MARSHALL Mr. Scutum...? SCUTUM Did NAMBLA help you put that together? MARSHALL No. I don't even use public transportation. SCUTUM You ever heard of pedophilia, Marshall? MARSHALL My cousin lived there. WISE, 50, stands, head shaking in disgust. WISE That was the worst fifteen seconds of media ever produced. MARSHALL Excuse me, but... What? SCUTUM You beg to differ? MARSHALL Yes? SCUTUM
MARSHALL Well, sir, it's just that you said my campaign for the tobacco industry was the worst media ever produced. WISE "Lung cancer, the Cadillac of cancers". I forgot. MARSHALL I think it had legs...
3. SCUTUM (to Wise) How much was out final settlement with General motors for that one? MARSHALL Hmmm... WISE The American Cancer Society still refuses our company donation. MARSHALL Oh... WISE Look, Marshall... MARSHALL Just call me Marsh. WISE My mother was threatened by a resident in her retirement village after your "Shake it like you've got Parkinson's" promo aired. MARSHALL The Parkinson's Foundation knew it was just a trial balloon... SCUTUM Marshall. You almost put the Greyhound Bus Company outta business when you hired Michael Vick as their spokesperson. MARSHALL He seemed sincere... SCUTUM Marshall, can we talk about our relationship. MARSHALL Sure. SCUTUM What do you think? MARSHALL Well, just keep it out of the office, the rest of us don't care.
4. WISE He means between you and the firm. MARSHALL Oh. Well... WISE Look, I'm just gonna lay it on the table... Marshall averts his eyes. MARSHALL Sir, I'm really not into that. SCUTUM This isn't working. You're a nice enough guy, Marshall. But, you just don't use common sense. You don't hear what people are saying. You just don't focus... MARSHALL Question. WISE What? MARSHALL Do you ever wonder if Dennis the Menace's father is the same guy as the Man in the Yellow Hat? They stare. MARSHALL I mean, really. They look alike. think there's something we're not being told... WISE Marshall! MARSHALL Just Marsh, sir. WISE You've got to get in touch with reality and accept the fact that Marshall Mallopi ("Mal-a-PEE") just isn't cut out for this kind of... Marshall taps his ID badge and we see his name as spelled. I
5. MARSHALL It's pronounced Mallopi, sir. ("Mal-o-PIE) WISE You see. Like that. Nobody's gonna call you Marsh Mallopi, OK? It isn't happening. Why can't you just go by Marshall? MARSHALL Look, I'm a pretty intuitive guy. I'm good at reading people. It's almost like a fifth sense. WISE You mean a sixth sense? MARSHALL I don't see dead people. What I mean is, like, I know what's coming. I sense it. SCUTUM Marshall, you're fired. What? MARSHALL Where'd that come from?
He sits while the other two remain standing. WISE We both agree. Your work is sub par for a public relations professional. MARSHALL But, I don't play golf... SCUTUM I would really recommend you take some time to reevaluate your goals. MARSHALL Goals? Sir, I have one goal and one goal only, to be the best PR man in the business... and I've always wanted to wrestle a nun. I don't know why... SCUTUM Marshall, you need to take a look at your people skills. MARSHALL My what?
6. WISE Your relationships could benefit from some self examination. MARSHALL Why? Because the last woman I dated moved out of state and changed her name... and had plastic surgery? I don't think I'm socially inept. I think I'm ept. SCUTUM It's nothing personal. trying to help you... But Marshall is distracted. MARSHALL I wonder if convent regulations prohibit that kinda thing? They give up. WISE That's it. Just collect your stuff. You have until twelve. MARSHALL Midnight? WISE You just lost an hour for stupidity. Be outta here by eleven... AM. MARSHALL But, where am I to go? do? What am I to We're just
SCUTUM (he starts to take the bait) Frankly, Marshall, I don't give... I'm not doin' it. Just go. Go. Marshall Mallopi is done here. MARSHALL Marsh Mallopi, sir... INT. JUSTICE DEPARTMENT OFFICE - DAY We see the headline of the Chicago Tribune: "Donovan Walks on Technicality" and the subtitle: "Witnesses Fear Retribution".
7. We pull out to see five bureaucrats around a conference table. At the head sits EUBANKS. He picks up a phone and speaks. OK. EUBANKS Send her in.
The office door cracks and a young, red headed agent, RENEE MANDELBROT, 30, makes her way in. MANDELBROT Morning. EUBANKS Ms. Mandelbrot...? MANDELBROT Mandelbrot, yes. EUBANKS Here at 'justice' we're, let's say, a little more than concerned about this. He picks up the Tribune to display the headline. MANDELBROT Yes. We are, too. He's in the works right now. EUBANKS "In the works"... You're the witness protection program... emphasis on 'protection'. We clear on that? MANDELBROT Well, no one thought he would be released so quickly. We thought we had months, probably years... EUBANKS Carlo Mallnoti is a lock box filled with stuff this department needs. MANDELBROT He's also a ruthless hit man for the mob. EUBANKS Maybe, but he's got the kinda info that'll put Donovan and his little band of tax cheating extortionists away for good... not to mention their wives, kids, and a third of the people living in that area code.
8. MANDELBROT He's known to have murdered at least seven... EUBANKS This is far bigger than some scumbag who's wasted a few scum-bag mobsters. I need Mallnoti breathing and happy if we're gonna file new charges on Donovan. MANDELBROT It'll be done. I promise. Just a few details still in the works. New ID, and he'll be on his way. EUBANKS We're gonna need access to him. Where's he going? MANDELBROT Ahh... well... he's goin' where they all go. EUBANKS What? MANDELBROT Bluff City, sir. EUBANKS What does that mean, "where they all go"? MANDELBROT Well, sir, you're new to 'justice'. EUBANKS Yes. She looks to the other team members around the table. avert their eyes. EUBANKS What am I not being told? A BRAVE GUY at the table answers. BRAVE GUY Sir, you see, back in the nineties budgetary mandates required the department trim a little, so... They
9. MANDELBROT It was far more cost effective to, ah, just put everyone in the same location. I mean, just in travel alone we've reduced spending by almost... EUBANKS Are you telling me that this town... MANDELBROT Bluff City, sir. It's in Nebraska. EUBANKS ...that this Bluff City is the drop point for all our witness protection people? BRAVE GUY We built our own little community, kinda off the beaten track. EUBANKS And our people don't mind bein' shelved there? BRAVE GUY It's really quite a quaint little town. We even developed some back story, you know, a little history of its founding with wagon trains, Indians, the whole works. EUBANKS That's wonderful, but what if someone blows its cover? MANDELBROT That's where I come in. I live there to, ah, well, facilitate matters that arise. EUBANKS And, none of them worry about being discovered? MANDELBROTE Well, we don't tell them about the others. And, since they all fear retribution, there's a powerful motivation to just shut up and blend in... The door cracks and a SECRETARY sticks her head in.
10. SECRETARY Ms. Mandelbrot. You were waiting for this. Mandelbrot retrieves a file from her. MANDELBROT Thanks. Here's his new ID file, new name, social security number, medical insurance, everything he needs to start over, even a fake credit history and these cute little name tags for his luggage. She holds up the tags. EUBANKS What's his new name? She checks. MANDELBROT Ah, Michael... Michael. EUBANKS Michael what?
MANDELBROT Michael... Jackson, sir EUBANKS What? You can't name him that. First of all, the man is an Italian immigrant. Give him an Italian name. MANDELBROT Lobbyists for Italian Americans would have our heads. They don't want to be stereotyped as criminally connected so we don't use any Italian names. EUBANKS Well, there are a million options better than Michael Jackson. MANDELBROT The department can't use names that associate its recipient with any race, religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation. EUBANKS That's absurd.
11. MANDELBROT So, we only use names that elicit a neutral score from our pilot test group. EUBANKS Pilot test group? BRAVE GUY It's got nothing to do with airlines, sir... EUBANKS I know what she means. MANDELBROT So, we're confined to a rather limited list of bland Anglo-Saxon names, I'm afraid. Then, we let a computer assign them in random pairs to avoid any human bias entering the process. EUBANKS (to the others at the table) But, Michael Jackson? Is this true? BRAVE GUY It's policy, sir. EUBANKS What about everyone else in Bluff Town... whatever? MANDELBROT Bluff City, sir. Well, policy is policy... EUBANKS Mandelbrot. I want Malnotti, er... Jackson settled and comfortable in this 'Bluff City' within twenty-four hours. MANDELBROT Consider it done. EUBANKS And I want you to get your butt back to... where the hell is it? MANDELBROT Nebraska.
12. EUBANKS ...Nebraska and keep your eye on him. Donovan's sure to go lookin' for this guy. MANDELBROT Yes sir. EUBANKS And, anybody... anything suspicious comes along, deal with it. You get me? Take some muscle if you need to. Whatever it takes. MANDELBROT Whatever it takes. INT. SCUTUM'S OFFICE - DAY Scutum sits at his desk reading from a folder. awaiting his judgment. SCUTUM Well, it isn't the worst account we've ever had. Wise does not respond. SCUTUM OK, it's the worst account we've ever had. Surely somebody here is creative enough to spin this in a good light. Put Fraily on it. WISE Fraily's working with the DMV. SCUTUM OK, give it to Neal. WISE He's still working with the Clinton's. Looking at he folder. SCUTUM "Nebraska Pan Handlers"... does Nebraska even have a pan handle? thought that was Oklahoma. WISE A lot of those dull states seem to have handles attached. Wise stands,
13. SCUTUM What's there? What's to promote? WISE That's what they want us to find. SCUTUM Well, nobody's gonna want this. My guess is that it's the dullest stretch of God forsaken scrub on the planet. WISE Maybe, but they've already paid forty thousand for the initial study. SCUTUM What'd we find? WISE We haven't sent anybody yet. SCUTUM Anyone who gets an assignment like this is gonna assume it's a professional lynching. WISE And suicide for anyone to accept. Its got "failure" engraved all over. SCUTUM There's no way this turns out well. WISE Someone's got to do it. SCUTUM Shame we let Mallopi go... The men look at each other, then to the clock. It reads 10:55. EXT. MARSHALL'S TOWNHOUSE - DAY Marshall sits in front of his townhouse on a large, comfortable looking chair. His neighbor, BUCK, 30, an easy going soul, pulls up into his parking spot. He hops out and approaches his front door. BUCK Hey, Marshall. What's doin'?
14. MARSHALL Oh, nothin'. You got a little scratching sound under the hood there. I could hear it as you were pullin' up. BUCK Yeah? MARSHALL It's your transmission about to blow. Crap. BUCK You think?
MARSHALL Oh, yeah. I'm sure. Prob'ly cost you a butt load, too. BUCK Great. MARSHALL Yeah. Happened to a buddy of mine not too long ago. BUCK Yeah? MARSHALL Was drivin' home. Heard that kinda sound. Drove right over to the shop, too, but... BUCK What was it? MARSHALL He didn't live to find out. BUCK It blow up? MARSHALL His mechanic turned out to be a serial killer. How many times does that have to happen before people wise up? BUCK So, it wasn't his transmission? MARSHALL Stick caught in his bumper. I never shoulda suggested he take it in.
15. BUCK Well I had a tough day, so... MARSHALL Tell me about it. It's been four weeks since I bought this chair and I still can't get it in the door. Never should have started this redecorating thing. BUCK I told you, just take it back. MARSHALL I can't. The place went outta business after Mel Gibson shopped there. BUCK Yeah? MARSHALL And I sold all my other furniture. BUCK You want to stay over here? room since Elena split. MARSHALL I don't wanta catch anything. BUCK Fine. Look, Marsh, I'm a little down right now... You? MARSHALL I got fired today. I got
BUCK What do you mean, fired? MARSHALL It's when they won't let you work for them anymore. BUCK Man, I guess I shouldn't feel so bad. We all got a mandatory four week "vacation"... production is really down. MARSHALL We're both in the crapper. so cool. That is
16. BUCK I should suck it up, I guess. You're outta work and I'm only out thirtyfive hundred bucks. MARSHALL Is that all you make a month, dude? BUCK Yeah. MARSHALL Man, that's puny. So, we got time to hang together. Let's celebrate. I'll make us some grub. You mind sittin' on the edge of the bath tub? BUCK Ah, why don't you just come over here. I'll make you something. MARSHALL I just don't want to catch anything. He unlocks his door and offers entrance. his chair and follows. INT. BUCK'S TOWNHOUSE - DAY Buck moves around the kitchen making supper while Marshall sits at a counter. BUCK So, that was it? "You're fired." Marshall leaves
MARSHALL Pretty much. But, I'm thinking about suing. Get a big, hot shot lawyer. Spend seventy or eighty grand. Sure, it'd prob'ly stretch out for a couple years, draining away all my resources. I'd end up in bankruptcy, of course, and their team of lawyers would tear me apart so I'd wind up humiliated and reduced to a pathetic joke in everyone's mind. Course, then they'd mock me at company functions. People would say horrible things about me just to entertain their kids. My friends would prob'ly hear the foul lies, you know, and when they hear it repeated so earnestly from so many trustworthy sources, they gotta start believin' it. (MORE)
17. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Despondency's inescapable at times like that. I'd prob'ly end up institutionalized in some putrid dungeon in a God forsaken, underfunded state hell-hole in Akron. (beat) But it might work. Marshall's phone goes off. BUCK Yeah... MARSHALL Let me get this. He grabs the phone and answers. MARSHALL (in phone) This is Marsh Mallopi... Well, sure... No, no... it's OK... Really?... Really?... Really... Yeah... that's no problem... Yes, sir.... No, sir... OK... Yeah, tomorrow, right... pan handle... got it. Bye. (he hangs up) Wow... That was Mr. Scutum askin' me to come back to work for him. BUCK Hey, that's excellent. MARSHALL I wonder if he knows I stumbled across those old pictures of him and Tommy Lee Jones... BUCK What? MARSHALL The cool thing is that they dropped their big new account on my plate. BUCK Yeah? MARSHALL I'm goin' to Nebraska. There's a group out there promoting regional tourism.
18. BUCK Nebraska, huh... MARSHALL It's a butt-kickin' assignment! BUCK Well, I 'spose it's better than makin' coat hangers. MARSHALL Is that what you do? BUCK Yeah... MARSHALL Man. That's awesome. metal coat hangers? BUCK Yeah. MARSHALL Oh, that rocks! No wonder you work for nothin'. I've been collectin' 'em since I was a kid. My collection's worth, like, mucho dinero. BUCK I never thought of them as a collectible. Are there a lot of collectors? MARSHALL Just me. That's why it's so valuable. But, I had no idea you were into coat hangers. BUCK It pays my bills... MARSHALL Not any more. BUCK So, what about Nebraska? MARSHALL It's like my dream to go to Nebraska... (beat) Hey, come with me. You got time. Like, real,
19. BUCK I don't think. Since Elena dumped me and ran off with that dude from Duck Dynasty, I really need to get my life sorted out. MARSHALL Come on. Don't you ever just wanta chuck everything and walk away? Throw your clothes in a bag; jump in the car; drive off and not stop until you feel like it? BUCK Sounds nice... MARSHALL Yeah, well I had a friend who did just that... 'Cept he didn't have a car, so all he did was throw his clothes in a bag. Actually, he didn't have a bag, either. When I think about it, what he did had something to do with a shovel and a bag of lime... BUCK I just gotta a lot to do... MARSHALL Buck, tomorrow's Tuesday. what Tuesday is? BUCK No, what? MARSHALL The six thousand two hundred and thirty-third day since I had my tonsils out. BUCK Really? MARSHALL Every morning I mark off the days on a calendar. Gives a sense of continuity to my life. BUCK I guess our lives can be pretty lame, huh? You know
20. MARSHALL Our lives? Don't try to include me in that hellish miasma of ruin and despondency you call your life. BUCK OK, well, let's not dwell on the negative. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives, right? MARSHALL Not if you get your head caught in one of those industrial sized Del Monte Ketchup cans tonight and suffocate. Buck just looks at him. MARSHALL Am I right? BUCK OK, barring that. Marsh, we got a lotta years to find some meaning in this life. MARSHALL I don't know how much more you can expect than coat hangers... BUCK Forget about coat hangers. I did once. wrinkly. MARSHALL All my clothes got
BUCK No. I mean this might be time to reevaluate. MARSHALL So, break outta here with me. Come to Nebraska. It's gonna be a party. BUCK I don't know... MARSHALL I'll cover you. BUCK It's not the money...
21. MARSHALL Then what is it? BUCK Well... MARSHALL I'll split my coat hanger collection with you. BUCK That's OK... Come on. MARSHALL Partners?
BUCK I don't know. I need a haircut... MARSHALL All I got is a chair and some coat hangers. You're my only friend. Buck considers a moment. All right. They bump knuckles. MARSHALL Sweet. BUCK You know, I'm feeling better already. You ever have that feeling where every synapse is alive and you know something great is about to happen? Yeah. MARSHALL One time at the Sizzler. BUCK Partners.
BUCK It's time for us to try something new... shake things up a little... stretch, grow, explore... MARSHALL Weld... Buck just looks at him.
22. INT./EXT. BUCK'S CAR - DAY Buck and Marshall drive through the middle of nowhere. Their dirty clothes and fatigued expression advertise the long journey they've undertaken. Visible in the rear is Marshall's chair miraculously stuffed in the back seat. BUCK I still don't get it. MARSHALL I'm tellin' you, these little compacts are only small on the outside. BUCK So, why wasn't there room for my suitcase? MARSHALL You got fourteen boxes of coat hangers... BUCK True. Marshall stares at the barren landscape. MARSHALL This sure isn't the Nebraska I imagined. This is boring. BUCK What'd you think it'd be? MARSHALL Lotta water 'n sun... beaches, spring break parties, guys hittin' on hot chicks, lotsa venereal disease, you know. BUCK Marsh, Nebraska's in the middle of the prairie. It's completely land locked. MARSHALL You know, you're right. I always get it confused with Iowa. BUCK Oh...
23. MARSHALL It's not gonna be easy to find something here to promote. The car begins shaking, at first lightly but crescendos quickly to ridiculous levels. BUCK There it is again. it this time. No. BUCK We've driven twenty-nine hours. MARSHALL We decided to drive it nonstop. BUCK Well, we're in Nebraska. pull over. Good. ago. I say we Tell me you felt
MARSHALL I had to pee seventeen hours
The car does its shaking routine again. MARSHALL And that constant shaking doesn't help. BUCK You felt it that time? MARSHALL What? BUCK I'm pullin' over. MARSHALL 'Bout time. He pulls to the side of the road and they exit. BUCK There's no one around, why don't you just pee here. MARSHALL Yeah.
24. He unzips and places his hands in peeing position. a quick little SQUIRTING SOUND and he's done. BUCK That's it? MARSHALL I've been goin' little by little in my pants and lettin' it dry. Buck spots a farmhouse a little ways up the road. Come on. town. BUCK Let's find the nearest We hear
EXT. FARMHOUSE PORCH - DAY Buck knocks on the door. A moment later it is answered by an aged FARMER. is heard off screen. FARMER Yuh. MARSHALL Excuse us. We're just traveling through the area... SISTER (O.S.) Who is it? FARMER Don't know. I think it's those 'Picker' guys. BUCK Ah... um, we're a little lost. FARMER I'd say. SISTER (O.S.) Don't you let 'em in the damn house. FARMER Shut up, tramp! (to Buck) My sister. Just ignore the old hag. BUCK I'm sorry to bother you. We just need some directions to... His SISTER
25. SISTER (O.S.) You let 'em in, an' God save 'ur puny li'l rump! FARMER Shut up! (to Buck) Loathe the old whore. BUCK We're looking for... SISTER arrives. She's a nun in full habit.
FARMER My sister. Cistercian. Picked her up fresh outta the novitiate. BUCK Hi. We're looking for the nearest town. SISTER Ain't nothin' round here. BUCK Well, there's gotta be something... SISTER Why? BUCK Well, don't you need to buy groceries and stuff? SISTER Grow it. Got a well. Make ethanol from corn. Trap a coon. Catch the blood an' paint the barn. Make candles from the gristle. Do all our own dental work. All in the shed. Buck turns to Marshall. BUCK Well, the car's gotta hold up. FARMER You got car trouble? BUCK A little.
26. FARMER Well, you might try Bluff City. Quarter mile up thata way, turn right on the blacktop. No signs'er nothin'. Then it's 'bout five mile or so. BUCK So, there's a town just five miles from here? SISTER (looking Marshall over) Don't go there ourselves. Buncha whack jobs. (beat) You're a wiry little dude, aren't ya? Marshall's eyes light up. INT. BUCK'S CAR - DAY They approach Bluff City on a long stretch of empty roadway. The town lies before them, completely alone in a vast stretch of prairie. Only one road connects the village with the outside world. Marshall drives, sweaty but exhilarated. BUCK Well, you can cross that one off your bucket list. They enter town. Obvious right from the start, the characters inhabiting Bluff City look like a sampling taken from a busy day at Disney World. Every conceivable ethnic group is represented, an eclectic mix of humanity completely unknown to rural, midwest America. The town, itself, seems to glow. Its homey beauty makes Norman Rockwell look crass. Sunbeams break the clouds and angels sing. They stare as if they just stumbled into Shangri la. MARSHALL Wow. I'm gettin' that same feeling like when the baby sitter used to give me a sponge bath. They approach the town square.
27. Hundreds of people are gathered for the city sesquicentennial celebration. A band plays on a band stand, flags wave, kids with cotton candy trot past. They park. MARSHALL This is awesome. BUCK This may be just what you're lookin' for. MARSHALL It's like, more American than French fries or somethin'. BUCK It's pretty amazing. I didn't think places like this really existed. MARSHALL I gotta get some shots to email back to the firm. He grabs a camera and they hop out and mingle with the crowd. Up front, the mayor, DAVE THOMAS, a full fledged Sikh, turban and all, is being introduced by MARSHA BRADY, an African American madame, on a raised dais. Several other townspeople, including Renee, sit there as well. MARSHA BRADY ...so, tha's how we do in Bluff City. Do I hear ya? Yeah! Gimme some more sugar! Tha's right! Screams and applause. MARSHA BRADY (CONT'D) Tha's right! Whoa! Now I be askin' ya'll to give it up for my man... an' when I sez "my man" ya'll know what I mean. He be pimpin'. Right? Ya'll know what I'm talkin' 'bout... yeah, da mayor of B.C., Dave Thomas. More applause. He steps up. DAVE THOMAS Thank-a-you, Marsha Brady. It whas da morning of July 13, 1860, hwen da wes-bound pi-o-nearis of da Blitzen party firs nodees da apbroaching wagon train on da orizon.
28. Marshall begins taking photos of the speaker as well as individuals in the crowd. At first no one notices, but those nearby suddenly scramble to avoid being photographed. Bags go over faces, backs turn, shirts pull up, etc. DAVE THOMAS (O.S.) (CONT'D) Leetle did they reolize then, dat a mere seven ours later they would become the cas-u-al-ities of da nation's first, and honly, head on wagon train collision. The lone survivor of that trad-ho-gee, little Magnolia Flanders, age five, would have perished were it not for the generous native Americans who found her, on this very spot, gnawing on the remains of her grandmother... This escalates until a clearing splits the crowd and Renee, seeing Marshall, leaps to her feet. The screams and chaos finally stop the proceedings. Marshall is oblivious, but Buck is very aware. Ah, Marsh. Yeah? Stop. Wait. What? Stop. MARSHALL Wait. He steps forward to get a better shot of the Sesquicentennial Queen and her escort but in doing so he trips over a picnic basket and falls head first on top of her. Renee stands over him. RENEE Do you have a license for that? MARSHALL (getting up) I do, actually. My last girl friend insisted. What? BUCK To take pictures? BUCK Marsh. MARSHALL What? BUCK
29. She manhandles them toward the curb as we HEAR THE MAYOR'S SPEECH continue in the background. MARSHALL Ouch. Man, she has a grip like that Duck Dynasty dude Elena's bangin'. BUCK OK. Renee spots a policeman, RANDY. Randy is flaming gay.
RENEE Randy. Could you help escort these men to my office. RANDY Oh, for sure. It would be my pleasure. Randy takes them to his car. the door is locked. Buck tries the back seat, but
RANDY (CONT'D) Oh, no, no, no. We bench it. Three across. One of you two gets to ride the hump. Both men try to avoid center position. INT. POLICE CAR - DAY
Randy drives. Buck, sitting center, and Marshall riding shot gun, sit bolt upright, heads to the front, but eyes keeping tabs on Randy. INT. CITY BUILDING - DAY
Renee sits at a desk in a little office with the rather ambiguous title of City Supervisor on a small desk top placard. Randy and the two men enter. RENEE Thank you, Randy. RANDY Oh, no trouble at all. (to the guys) In Bluff City, you don't want to mess around with big Randy Johnson. Randy makes a slight pelvic thrust for emphasis.
30. No. No. BOTH Not us. No sir.
RENEE That'll be enough, Randy. He exits. RENEE Now, as for you two... What business do you have in our community? The men look at each other. BUCK What difference does it make? didn't break any laws. We
RENEE Maybe. Maybe not. What would you say if I told you we have a ordinance against taking pictures in town? MARSHALL I'd say your facebook pages must be pretty lame. BUCK I'd say I don't believe it. RENEE Oh. Maybe you'd believe it after a week in the can with Randy's room service to keep you company? BUCK You can't hold us for anything. There are laws. Yeah? RENEE Like what? Renee laughs.
Buck pulls out his cell.
RENEE (CONT'D) Closest tower's ninety-seven miles. She points to her desk. RENEE (CONT'D) Maybe you'd better us the land line? They notice there is no phone.
31. RENEE (CONT'D) Now, all I need is your camera. Marshall holds up his camera. MARSHALL This camera? RENEE Yes. And he flashes a picture in Renee's face. MARSHALL Oops. She grabs for it but Buck blocks her hand BUCK Don't give it to her. she can do. RENEE Oh, yeah? She presses a button on an old time intercom device. RENEE (CONT'D) (into intercom) Boys, could you step in a moment. The door opens and in step two mountain-sized men, HOMER and SIMPSON. RENEE (CONT'D) (to her henchmen) Homer... Simpson, remember the last guy that came to town and broke our laws? What did we do? HOMER Show'd 'em to the edge of town nice an' polite. RENEE Would you like to show our friends where the edge of town is? SIMPSON Right over there. He pulls a rifle from nowhere and blandly points to a wall, pulling the trigger. We hear Randy in the next room. There's nothing
32. RANDY Ow! He runs in holding his bleeding arm. RANDY Good golly, miss Molly, what are you doing over here? He sees the two goons. RANDY (CONT'D) Or maybe I died and went to manheaven. My goodness. (touching Simpson) Ooo. This is better than living downstairs from Richard Simmons. (seeing Homer) Who's got the cheese whiz? RENEE Randy, go back to your office. He speaks to Homer, who still holds the rifle, with a wink. RANDY Next time I get to shoot back. RENEE Randy! RANDY Fine, Miss Menstrual. He takes a last look and vanishes. RENEE Have I made my point, gentlemen? MARSHALL So you can shoot a gay guy. BUCK No. Unless you're gonna hold us for some violation, I suggest you let us go check into the hotel, and tomorrow we'll leave... maybe. The two goons start to make a move on Buck, but she holds them off with a motion of her hand. OK. OK. RENEE You go to the hotel. (MORE)
33. RENEE (CONT'D) But, I can promise you, you'll be leaving town without that camera or you won't be leaving town. The two men get up and move to the door. last picture of the goons as he exits. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT An obscenely obese cat sits on the counter eating. The desk clerk, GERALD FORD, an extreme hillbilly, cleans a rifle with his feet propped on the counter. He stares at a small black and white television playing a snowy, static filled Lawrence Welk rerun. The guys stand at the counter, Marshall with a suitcase, Buck holding a large box of coat hangers. MARSHALL Hi, we'd like a room for the night. The clerk sits, unmoved. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Excuse me sir? Sir? Hello. Both men stand staring at the clerk. A huge African American drag queen, QUEEN MARY, drifts up behind the two men. QUEEN MARY Can I help you two gentlemen? Both men turn around and are taken by surprise. MARSHALL Yes, sir or ma'am, ah, we'd like a room or, ah, yeah, a room for the night. QUEEN MARY You boys aren't from round here. MARSHALL No, we were driving through, I just lost my job, or I didn't lose my job, or something, and our car is, ah, well... QUEEN MARY Honey, you don't have to have a story for me. Name's Mary Kate Olsen. Friends just call me Queen Mary. Marshall snaps one
34. MARSHALL I think I took a cruise on you once. QUEEN MARY Quite possible. You from Phillie? BUCK Well, I don't think he meant... QUEEN MARY (to Buck) Your friend is shaking. Is he all right... Got a bit of the nerves? BUCK We're partners. (beat) I mean, business associates… QUEEN MARY Everybody has a first time, there's no need to be nervous. (to Marshall) I'm sure he'll be very gentle. BUCK No, no, it's not like that. QUEEN MARY Honey, I don't care who you are or what you two do. I think you'll find that a theme here in Bluff City. Oh, and don't mind Stanley. He don't hear so good. MARSHALL Oh, he's deaf. I was beginning to think he was some ultra, redneck jerk who hates anyone who's not like him and, you know, thinks sittin' there in putrid smelling clothes, cleanin' his gun makes him look tough when he's just trying to cover up that he's a mentally challenged loser with meth mouth who smells funny and probably has a pervert thing for Lawrence Welk... QUEEN MARY Come'ere, Stanley. (She picks up the cat) This here's Gerald Ford. He'll show you to your room. Get some sleep, you look all tuckered out. We can settle up in the morning.
35. Gerald comes to attention, glares at Marshall, grabs the bag and box and heads for the stairs. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT They enter, Gerald still glaring at Marshall. Despite his looks, Gerald speaks in impeccable King's English. GERALD (to Buck) Where would you like your hangers, sir? Buck picks a bed. BUCK Oh, over here's fine. Gerald places the box. MARSHALL And mine, right... Gerald tosses the bag in the corner, where it springs open, dumping its contents. Gerald turns to Buck. GERALD If you'll be needing anything, sir, don't hesitate to ring for me, Gerald. I'm here to make your stay as comfortable as possible. Buck coughs up a couple dollars tip. GERALD (CONT'D) Thank you kindly, sir. Have a most pleasant evening. He bows slightly and makes his way to the door, kicking Marshall's suitcase in the process. GERALD (CONT'D) (mumbling) May your flesh rot and be eaten by maggots, sir. He leaves. MARSHALL Do you think he heard what I said?
36. BUCK Well, maybe... Picking up his clothes. MARSHALL I don't think he could'a heard it... Buck sits. BUCK Did you hear that piece-a-work down at the city building? MARSHALL I was sitting next to you, dude. You must have some short term memory loss thing goin' on. BUCK Well, what was that about? MARSHALL I don't know. But, I'll tell you what... I've seen Locked Up Abroad. I'm not plannin' on living out my last days in some dungeon, eating cockroaches and licking dew off the brick floor. BUCK This isn't Detroit, man. Things aren't like that here. No. She's hiding something. Marshall looks under his bed. MARSHALL A lotta times they hid stuff under beds. BUCK No, I mean this town's got something weird goin' on. MARSHALL Found it. He pulls out a newspaper clipping. INSERT NEWS CLIPPING We see it bares a picture of Michael Jackson. caption. He reads the He examines it.
37. END INSERT MARSHALL (CONT'D) "Known hit man, Carlo Malnotti, principle witness for the state against Donald Donovan, leaves the Chicago Court house Wednesday." Donald Donovan. What a stupid name. "Hi, I'm Donald Donovan. I got a stupid name, I'm Donny Donovan." He tosses it in the waste can. BUCK It's not that bad a name. Right. MARSHALL This from a guy named "Buck".
BUCK What's wrong with "Buck"? Marshall mocks Buck, acting out differing characters. MARSHALL (like a chicken) Buck buck buck buck buck buck buck. Hey, how 'bout those buck teeth? So, Buckminster, let's go build a dome. Yeah, the buck stops here. Buckle up your seat belt, kids. Don't buck the system just lend me ten bucks till payday. Hey, pardner, that's my buckin' bronco... OK. OK. BUCK Just call me Brian, then. MARSHALL That's your name?
BUCK Yeah. I never tell anyone 'cause I hate it. MARSHALL I'm sorry, dude. I'll never tell anyone. Promise. BUCK No big deal... Marshall can't help but go off on a Brian jag.
38. MARSHALL Hey, Brian, I'm fryin' some bacon, so stop your cryin'. I'm flyin', Brian. Oh, Brian, look at this 'sty in' my eye. Just don't get a 'pie in' the face, huh Brian? I'm tryin', Brian unless you're Mayan. I'm a 'guy in' Africa, so look out for that lion, Brian or you'll be dyin'... Buck just sits. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The guys lie in twin beds. It's late.
MARSHALL (mumbling) So, Brian, you might think about tyin' the knot with that Hawaiian, Brian, the 'sky in' Nebraska is bluer than in Zion because of the ions... Stop! BUCK Just call me Buck.
Marshall lies a moment, thinking. MARSHALL You know, Bri, this thing today got me thinkin'...about life an' all... Yeah? BUCK Like what?
39. MARSHALL Well... like some day I want to meet someone who loves me for me... regardless of me. (beat) You know? Regardless of my short attention span and my increasing fear that I might have inappropriate feelings toward Madeline Albright. BUCK Yeah...? MARSHALL You know, I still remember the day I lost my parents. I remember every detail like it just happened twentythree years ago. I remember the smallest details. (beat) I remember it was in the spring during a invasion of Asian beetles... INT. MARSHALL'S PARENT'S CAR - DAY We see a classic eighties couple with a six year old Marshall in the back seat. They try to navigate through streets packed with scores of Chinese men running around dressed like the Beatles. Suddenly, MOM screams. Chester! MOM Watch out for Ringo!
The car swerves violently off the road and into a tree. The CRASH echoes in Marshall's ears as we return to the present. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT MARSHALL It changed everything. I never really got to know a family. I never got to go through that 'I-hate-my-parents' phase. It wasn't fair. I wanted a family to hate, not those three Norwegians I ended up living with in Green Bay. (beat) Buck, I've haven't ever told anyone this. (beat) I didn't go to the funeral. I feel so guilty. (MORE)
40. MARSHALL (CONT'D) They said it was too gruesome for me. I couldn't take gruesome. Still can't. Not even "sort of gruesome"... like Cher. BUCK Yeah. You know, life gets twisted, sometimes. When I was a kid I always wanted my... parents... to... But Marshall is already snoring. He lies back and thinks. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The men sleep. We hear NOISE AT THE KEYHOLE. It stops. Then again. Finally, the lock gives and the door swings open to reveal the silhouettes of Homer and Simpson. They creep in, shut the door, pull revolvers, and fasten silencers onto the muzzles. Each take a position over one man. OK. Ready? HOMER One, two...
SIMPSON Wait. I thought you were gonna count down, like three, two... HOMER OK. I'll count down. Two... Ready? Three.
SIMPSON No, wait. That was rude of me. I apologize. Count up, if you want. HOMER Does it really matter? SIMPSON No. That's what I'm sayin'. It's up to you. Your call. I want you to nurture your creative side... as an assassin, I mean. HOMER OK. Then I'm gonna count down. right? All
41. SIMPSON Sure. Just don't do it for me. Do it because that's what you feel. HOMER OK, I'm feelin' it. from here. He taps his chest. HOMER (CONT'D) Three, two... But Simpson shakes his head in disgust. HOMER (CONT'D) What? SIMPSON Now you're just being condescending. No. HOMER I'm not. It's comin'
SIMPSON Yes, you are. HOMER I just want to please you. SIMPSON (sarcastically) That's not condescending. HOMER Tell you what. You count it off. SIMPSON Me? Yeah. HOMER It would make me happy. SIMPSON Typical. HOMER What? SIMPSON It would have been nice if you had offered BEFORE I made you. HOMER You didn't make me.
42. SIMPSON Yes, I did. No. Really. HOMER You didn't. SIMPSON Yes, I did. HOMER No, you didn't. Marshall responds in his sleep. MARSHALL Yes, you did. SIMPSON See. HOMER Tell you what. Why don't you do the, "Ready, set, go" one. SIMPSON Why? HOMER What'd you mean? SIMPSON Why do you want me to? HOMER Because I respect you... as an assassin, and want to encourage your growth... SIMPSON And...? HOMER And... OK. I take you for granted sometimes... SIMPSON Do you really mean that? Yeah. Sure. G... HOMER Forgive me? SIMPSON OK, now... Ready. Set.
43. But the door crashes open and Queen Mary bursts in, an automatic weapon spraying the room with bullets. A gunfight ensues. They stand over the beds, firing at point blank range, showering the room with bullets. Everything in the room explodes with gun fire and ricocheting bullets. No one gets hurt, of course. After ten thousand rounds they stop and look at each other, then their guns. HOMER Sights must need adjusting... The two henchmen dive through the window. She turns on the light and we see Buck, eyes agog, sitting bolt upright in bed. Marshall snoozes, unmoved. BUCK What... what was that? QUEEN MARY Looks like you two fellas made a couple of enemies somewheres. She turns her gaze upon Marshall. QUEEN MARY Wore the little fella right out, didn't ya. BUCK We're not, ah, you know, like that. We're really not. I told ya. QUEEN MARY I don't care who you be.
BUCK Well, I be Buck and he be Marshall, but he'll make you call him Marsh. Ah. QUEEN MARY Like that, is he?
BUCK So, like, what's with this place? Who would be out to get us? This have something to do with that Nazi chick up at the city building?
44. QUEEN MARY Oh, you met her, did ya? Renee. That be
BUCK What's with her and cameras and everything? QUEEN MARY Look, Buck Renee's just a little high strung. Leery of newcomers, you know. She worries about me...er, the town a little too much sometimes. But I knowed you wasn't any trouble the minute I laid eyes on ya. Yeah? BUCK Well, what was this, tonight?
QUEEN MARY I'd just advise you to let Renee have whatever she wants from ya. Probly be best that way. (beat) Say. Why don't we move ya'll next door? You gather your stuff there and I'll grab this. She easily throws Marshall, still asleep, over her shoulder and carries him out. Buck follows. INT. IDENTICAL HOTEL ROOM - DAY Marshall does some ridiculous stretching by his bed while Buck sleeps. Bullet holes riddle the adjoining wall. MARSHALL Hey, Buck, get up. (beat) Buck. (beat) Brian. Buck rolls over. BUCK What? MARSHALL Man, you sleep like my old dog, Ironsides.
45. BUCK Ironsides? MARSHALL Yeah, I had him all the time I was a kid. He used to sleep on the front porch all day and he never moved... ever. I called him Ironsides 'cause he'd make this funny ringing sound when you kicked him... BUCK Marsh, that was a cast iron lawn ornament. MARSHALL That must have been what they were trying to tell me. I didn't speak Norwegian. BUCK Hey, grab my laptop. Let's take a look at those pictures you took. Maybe we can figure why our friend is so touchy. Marshall grabs the laptop and inserts the card. the pictures from the day before. INSERT We see the pictures. Nothing much of interest flashes by until Marshall responds to one screen. Wait. MARSHALL Go back. Go back. They peruse
Buck goes back a page. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Look at that. BUCK What? MARSHALL That big, ugly guy. He points. BUCK That tough lookin' thug with the broken nose?
46. MARSHALL I've seen him before. Buck looks closer. BUCK That's Rosie O'Donnell. No. No. MARSHALL Wait. Who is that?
Marshall grabs the trash can and finds it empty. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Where'd it go? Buck realizes what he's looking for. BUCK Here. He easily pushes through the bullet riddled wall separating the two rooms as most of it falls away. He grabs the trash can and returns. Marshall picks out the news article. The picture of Mallnoti is intact, though the rest of the picture looks like Swiss cheese. They compare the two likenesses. BUCK (CONT'D) It's the same guy. "Known hit man, Carlo Mallnoti..." What's he doin' around here? MARSHALL Maybe they have a Rosie O'Donnell look alike contest. BUCK I don't think.... find out. They make for the door. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY Gerald sits as before. Queen Mary sits with Stanley in her lap, reading Gender Bender Magazine. QUEEN MARY Well, morning boys. You movin' on, this morning or what? Come on, let's
47. Marshall picks up the magazine and stares at its contents. BUCK No. I think we'll be hangin' around awhile. QUEEN MARY Good. Good. (to Marsh) How'd you sleep last night? MARSHALL Good... He can't take his eyes off the magazine. BUCK Hey, have you seen this guy before? He presents the picture of Mallnoti. QUEEN MARY "Known hit man..." That ain't good. She hands it to Gerald. QUEEN MARY (CONT'D) What'd you think? GERALD Yes, without a doubt. our records, mum. Let me check
QUEEN MARY Yeah, he was here, a few days ago. GERALD Yes, mum. Three nights back. of... Michael Jackson. QUEEN MARY Michael Jackson, huh? BUCK Michael Jackson... MARSHALL He's next month's cover story. He indicates Gender Bender Magazine. QUEEN MARY Yeah. He just new to town. in on Third St. Moved Name
48. BUCK Hey, Marsh, what'd you say we check this out.