Presents

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

1) “Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians“ 2) Barney: “Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.” Ted: “I'm not wearing a suit.” Barney: “Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're thirty.” 3) “Dude.. where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.” 4) Barney: “Solid plan, my little friend.” Ted: “We're the same height” 5) “Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?” 6) “The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She'll never find her way back.” 7) “Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool.” 8) “Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno” 9) “We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snowsuit up”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

10)

“Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if

you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.” 11) “There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants” 12) “No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing” 13) “What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end That's just things in a diaper” 14) “You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!” 15) “The question is: Do these strategies ever NOT work for me? Either way the answer is about half the time” 16) “One of the 24 ways women and fish are alike is that blog?” 17) “You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married or, God forbid, fat” 18) “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike

of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism.

they're both attracted to bright objects. Don't you ever read my

out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.” (check out Barney Stinson’s Halloween Customs!)

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

19)

“Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret The Barnicle!”

party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht?

20)

“Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us

into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.” [Ted dressed as a hanging chad]

21)

“Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.”

22)

“A girl dresses up like a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...” [Barney talking Halloween Costumes]

23)

“Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"”

24)

“Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll a match making service]

meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again” [about

25)

“Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.”

26)

“You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet”

27) 28)

“You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"” “I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

29)

“On the question why Barney is sleeping in a tub: "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."”

30)

“Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"”

universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty

31)

“Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It

happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neurosis, inebriation style” 32) “People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"?” 33) “I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years” 34) “Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's line and win ten chicks hotter than you” 35) “Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.” 36) “This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the massage. Say whaaaat” [on the phone] 37) “You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an international recognized term for sex?”

like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing

way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

38)

“The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old”

39)

“Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her

evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Retomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!” 40) “My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of

joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's poopy diaper but instead I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy” 41) “Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life” 42) “Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so much” 43) “Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.” 44) “You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love

body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on

yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier” 45) 46) “I know what you want: Magic!”

“Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

47)

“Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?”

48)

“Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow” 49) “That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!”

50)

“You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!”

51)

“For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the

same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York!” 52) “So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.” 53) “You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.” 54) “We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.” 55) “Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.”

that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

56)

“Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only

it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade-provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.” 57) 58) “The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.”

“Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts

Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!” 59) “See that wall? *Turns on TV* 300 inch flatscreen! They a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!” 60) “Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.” 61) “I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out” 62) “Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-theTaliban.” 63) “Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let

only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in

appartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the

me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ...

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story” 64) “This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off hideous.” 65) “Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year” 66) 67) “Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.” “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story” 68) [Seeing his nude painting]: “You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme” 69) “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.” 70) “Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies” 71) “How to Run a Marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two” 72) “How Barney would call his truck: Number ten, "The

playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm

Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid."

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."” 73) “Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I

can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened.” 74) “The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders, to rub them” 75) 76) “Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...”

and she'd like... let’s say, you in the inappropriately short dress

“Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?”

77)

“That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. You know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate”

78)

“We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up?”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

79)

“You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun toting New Yorker”

80) 81)

“We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers” “Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!”

82)

“Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and

green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!” 83) “Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry committment.” 84) “She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna get into this girl's pants” 85) “Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I

wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.” 86) “I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was even have to celebrate about?” 87) “Please. You took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, unsupervised teens here at the lake house. At precisely 3 am,

and I'm quoting "The Real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians

the killer does not grab a bull horn and announce: "Attention

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

I'm gonna jump outta that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. PS: Fire is my one weakness” 88) “Barney about investing in women: That's going to reward shareholders soon. I see aggressive growth in my future. What up!” 89) “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome” 90) “But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking!” 91) “Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna get in your panties" incorporated.” 92) “Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some

premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.” 93) “Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days

trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

94)

“You know, if you re-edit there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere”

95)

“Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?”

96)

“No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.”

for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're

97)

“Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple

love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor” 98) “That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a complain about!” 99) “Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive.

dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to

Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos” 100) “It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I everything” 101) 102) “I love this burger so much I want to sew my ass shut” “Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race”

caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

103)

“Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, full," but I think they're getting dumber”

hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass-half-

104)

“Berry Blaster Brain revitalizer—My God, some of these Ted brought us to?”

drinks can actually make a girl smarter. What sort of hell has

105)

“Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does less than 110%. If

one of my Michael Phelps' got loose, he's goin' for the gold!” 106) “Yes, because on Not a Father’s Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear! Wordplay five!” 107) “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk me. Awesome” 108) “I know. We are Swedish. We are so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower.” 109) “All these years I've been suiting-up when I should've been suiting-down (talking about the Naked Man)” 110) “We should totally buy a bar. Our bar would be awesome. People will be, like, "Why is it called Puzzles?". That's the puzzle” 111) “All my life I have dared to go past what is possible. [Ted:

much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of

And dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar... Puzzles.

To the impossible?] Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.” 112) “Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision— Visitivity”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

113)

“That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything” 114) “a hug is just like a public dry hump”

115)

“If I could nail any celebrity it would definitely be

Scarlett Johansson. Hot, talented and nobody does that many woodie allen movies without some serious daddy issues” 116) “Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest” 117) “The things I know about this company, I'll never be fired. There's a chance I'll wash up on shore with no identifiable finger prints or teeth” 118) “Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppet-

master, surreptitiously manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. She is pure evil, Marshall. You've got a good one; hang onto her” 119) “Nice! Girls whose names end in LY are always dirty: Holly, Kelly, Karly... Lily.” 120) “Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story” 121) “Oh right, because there can be too many of something

wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fellah, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.” 122) “When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my life has better lighting?” 123) “You, sir, got Stella thinking: "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool

today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front, oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a "what up?" quake” 124) “I can only assume you need a license to have a face that has to be registered with the proper authorities” 125) “That, my friends, is the dominator 5000, the best bull whip guy.” 126) “How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever”

beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive

whip on the market according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

127) 128) 129)

“No Ted, brunch is not cool” “Can we have class outside?”

“Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached Robin's purse. Stinson out.”

to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in

130)

“I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby, that's like taking fashion advice from well... Ted Mosby” 131) “Aw tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch”

132)

“Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that

tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging” 133) [About knowing Canada's citizenship questionairre] really?” 134) “to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...” 135) “Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day” 136) “There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?” 137) “Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.” 138) “Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd

“Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two,

pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it” 139) “It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good.” 140) “Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up

your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's. An actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and her slutiness” 141) “Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black. This my friends is... The Playbook.” 142) “Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! *pauses* Well, except for the Cheap Trick.” 143) “The Lorenzo van Matterhorn will be my triumphant

return to the stage! Or, you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is kind of a stage. I could put a platform underneath, make it a real production” 144) 145) “Only if you rub it hard enough.”

“See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget acquizzired!”

146)

“No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these.

Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.” 147) “I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.” 148) “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations:

post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.” 149) 150) “Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.” “I'm going to be like, "drop the act baby doll daddy needs another gin and tonic".” 151) “Suits and insecure woman. I hate them I really just hate them.” 152) “No! My suit gave its life for this cause and I will not rest till she is mine.” 153) “That woman nursing a Black Russian is about to chase it with a White American!” 154) “Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now - I am going home with her tonight.” 155) 156) “Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.” “Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

157)

“I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver

because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway because, you know - germs.” 158) 159) 160) “Magic phone guys - magic phone” “Yes you can borrow my tea cup pig”

“So now, pharma girls are the hottest profession. At least first. It's called manners.”

when I run out on a girl, I have the decency to sleep with her

161)

“I've always looked drop dead stone cold amazing -

unlike Marshall who always looked dead, stoned, and cold.” 162) “It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture I don't know why, just ask God.” 163) “The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.” 164) 165) “People want the lie. They need the lie!”

“People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.”

166)

“We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner! Other space-related double entendres!”

167)

“Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a Armstrong.”

good spot. But the best place I have to say, the moon. Hi, Neil

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

168) 169)

“Ted, your mom and I got to second base.”

“So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist, right, and AND underneath me. Up top AND down low! Who needs drinks?”

she's so flexible that at one point she was both on top of me

170)

“Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.”

171)

“Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs”

172)

“You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!” 173) “One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!”

174)

“The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when

she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?” 175) “So my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks. 176) Kids!? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until better.” 177) “Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a

you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot

hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

178)

“So this chick and I are going at it behind the Central

Park Zoo, the bonobo chimps are giving us a standing O and just when I'm about to give her the same thing - what up?” 179) “Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape

from your hum drum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.” 180) “You guys are adorable. You honestly believe that I, me a fist bump.” 181) 182) “Barney Stinson allllllllllllllways gets the yes.”

Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give

“Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is eye contact that sex just doesn't.”

a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and

183)

“Call me old fashioned but I need to have sex with a girl her.”

at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with

184)

“Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers, nay ... Bro-workers?”

185)

“Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle

forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been coopted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!” 186) “Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that condom?” 187) “The bus? Every time I take the bus there is always that I have never taken the bus.”

girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a

one crazy person that no one wants to sit near and that is why

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

188)

“Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it friggin' work together!”

...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we

189)

“Ted that is so romantic, I want to fill a pillow case with dead batteries and beat you with it.”

190)

“Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.”

191)

“I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier office Presidents Day rave.”

than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the

192)

“SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think

about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.” 193) “He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest

link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.” 194) “Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred of money to someone like you?”

dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

195)

“I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, bang.”

over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy

196)

“Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms!

And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!” 197) 198) “I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.” “I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!” 199) “February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.” 200) 201) “And I thought Pompeii was smoking.”

“She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.”

202)

“She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.”

203)

“You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.” 204) “With great penis comes great responsibility.”

205)

“Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.”

206)

“Ted this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, right here...don't ask you're not ready.”

vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

214 Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

207) 208)

“Tonight's gonna be Leden-Jerry!”

“I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry not Stay at Home Jerome.” 209) “Feelin' fine and gettin' some 'Gine” 210) 211) “New is always better.” “Challenge accepted.”

212)

“If I were only casting the White Swan, the role would be yours.”

213)

“I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all the space poison out of my...”

214)

“Hashtag burn, hashtag your tie is still dumb, hash tag refill!”

Copyright http://legendarybarneystinson.com. Please share, but keep the header/footer intact.

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful