(It's a cookbook
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Dada, Captain. To first man: an avclub cookbook / written by Captain Dada--1st ed. Summary: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from mélange to mince. ISBN 978-4-8-1516-234-2 [1. Cookbooks--NO COMEDY. 2. Pop culture--circlejerking. 3. Wastes of everybody's time.] I. Title. PZ7.D57647An 2013 [E]--dc22
“I'll have what she's having.” Woman in restaurant in When Harry Met Sally “I'll not have what she's having.” Woman in waiting room of Meg Ryan's plastic surgeon
Chloë Sevign Layer Dip
Ingredients: ‣1 can (15 ½ oz.) refried black beans ‣1 Tbsp. chili powder ‣½ tsp. ground cumin ‣1 cup sour cream ‣1 cup shredded cheddar cheese ‣3 green onions ‣⅓ cup sliced black olives ‣1 tomato, chopped ‣1 HBO show
First. Mix beans, chili powder, and cumin; spread onto bottom of 9-inch pie plate. Then. Top with layer of green onions. Then. Top with layer of chopped tomato. Then. Top with layer of sour cream. Then. Top with layer of cheddar cheese. Then. Top with layer of derision toward HBO show. Then. Top with layer of excuses about how you were really tired and you thought the first six layers of the bean dip were taken out of context. Then. Refrigerate several hours. Finally. Set up appointment with Lacuna Inc. to erase Vincent Gallo from memory.
Yo String, Where’s Lettuce At?
Ingredients: ‣1/2 cup water ‣1/2 cup instant brown rice ‣2 teaspoons sesame oil ‣1 pound 93%-lean ground turkey ‣1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger ‣1 large red bell pepper, finely diced ‣1 8-ounce can water chestnuts, rinsed and chopped ‣1/2 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth ‣2 tablespoons hoisin sauce ‣1 teaspoon five-spice powder ‣1/2 Omar’s cumin ‣1/2 teaspoon salt ‣2 heads Boston lettuce, leaves separated ‣1/2 cup chopped fresh herbs, such as cilantro, basil, mint and/or chives ‣1 large carrot, shredded First. Bring water to a boil in a small saucepan. Add rice; reduce heat to low, cover and cook for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat. Then. Meanwhile, heat oil in a large nonstick pan over medium-high heat. Add turkey and ginger; cook, crumbling with a wooden spoon, until the turkey is cooked through, about 6 minutes. Then. Stir in the cooked rice, bell pepper, water chestnuts, broth, hoisin sauce, five-spice powder, Omar’s cumin, and salt; cook until heated through, about 1 minute. Then. To serve, divide lettuce leaves among plates, spoon some of the turkey mixture into each leaf, top with herbs and carrot and roll into wraps. Finally. Tell all your white friends how great these lettuce wraps are, how it might be hard to keep eating when they sample the first seasonings, but it will all come together nicely in the end.
Reheated Avenged Sevenfold Pan Pizza
Ingredients: ‣leftover pan pizza ‣oven
First. Are you just blatantly a straight up idiot -ForgetTheEnd Then. evanescence is very talented -diosyxoxo in reply to jackshit33, 1 hour ago Then. Seriously, 14 year old girls. Gotta love em. -gamuelaboratory in reply to TholomewPlague28, 7 months ago Then. Nickelback is sooooooooooo awesome. I have been to many concerts and this by far was one of the best in a longtime. I brought my daughter and her friend they loved it. I also took a friend who goes to every concert out there and she doesn't really listen to this kind of music and she loved it so much she is going to see them in another state. -mommy34, Posted 08/27/2009 Then. Start the oven. Then. yeah so my sister started playing some song by one direction so i put this song on and blasted it, freak one direction - waningcresent Then. this song takes rock from janitor to manager -legendofthepizzaman Then. guess being a buttfuck is irrelevant at this point. -ShanniesANerd in reply to VaultDovah2077, 6 days ago Then. music 50% boner 50% how about? You -kotmung, 1 week ago Finally. cold pizza is rad -Allenfields92
Ingredients: ‣6 large egg yolks ‣1/4 cup lemon juice ‣2 tablespoons Dijon mustard ‣1 1/2 cups melted unsalted butter ‣1/2 teaspoon salt ‣1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper ‣1/8 teaspoon cayenne ‣6 English muffins ‣3 cups Dungeness crab, picked over and at room temperature ‣12 large eggs
First. Make hollandaise sauce: In the bottom of a double boiler or in a medium saucepan, bring 1 in. of water to a simmer over high heat and adjust heat to maintain simmer. Put egg yolks, lemon juice, and mustard in top of a double boiler or in a round-bottomed medium bowl and set over simmering water. Whisk yolk mixture to blend. Then. Whisking constantly, add butter in a slow, steady stream (it should take about 90 seconds). Cook sauce, whisking, until it reaches 140°, then adjust heat to maintain temperature (remove from simmering water if necessary). Add salt, pepper, and cayenne and continue whisking until thick, about 3 minutes. Adjust seasonings to taste. Remove from stove and set aside. Then. Preheat oven to 450°. Split English muffins and arrange on a baking sheet in a single layer. Bake until toasted, about 5 minutes. Then. Put 2 muffin halves on each plate and top with crab, dividing evenly. Then. Poach eggs: Bring 1 in. water to boil in a 12-in.-wide pan. Lower heat so that small bubbles form on the bottom of the pan and break to the surface only occasionally. Crack eggs into water 1 at a time, holding shells close to the water's surface and letting eggs slide out gently. Poach eggs, in 2 batches to keep them from crowding, 3 to 4 minutes for soft-cooked. Lift eggs out with a slotted spoon, pat dry with a paper towel, and place 1 egg on each crab-topped muffin half. Finally. Top each egg with 2 to 3 tbsp. reserved hollandaise sauce and serve hot.
Reasonable Bran Muffins
Ingredients: ‣1 1/2 cups wheat bran ‣1 cup nonfat milk ‣1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce ‣1 egg ‣2/3 cup brown sugar ‣1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract ‣1/2 cup all-purpose flour ‣1/2 cup whole wheat flour ‣1 teaspoon baking soda ‣1 teaspoon baking powder ‣1/2 teaspoon salt ‣1 cup blueberries First. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or use paper muffin liners. Mix together wheat bran and milk, and let stand for 10 minutes. Then. In a large bowl, mix together applesauce, egg, brown sugar, and vanilla. Beat in bran mixture. Sift together all-purpose flour, whole wheat flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Stir into bran mixture until just blended. Fold in blueberries. Scoop into muffin cups. Finally. Bake in preheated oven for 15 to 20 minutes, or until tops spring back when lightly tapped, like your mom.
“Reasonable bran muffin? The only reasonable bran muffin is a DEAD bran muffin.”
The New Cult Cannon
Ingredients: ‣1 pitcher of Kool-Aid ‣1 bottle of vodka ‣1 squirt gun ‣1 batch of cyanide (optional)
First. Mix Kool-Aid and vodka in equal measures. Add cyanide if Hale-Bopp comet is overhead. Then. Pour mixture into squirt gun. Finally. Pretend you’re Warden Norton at the end of The Shawshank Redemption.
“I shot a kid. He was 13 years old. Ohhh, it was dark, I couldn't see him. He had a squirt gun full of Kool-Aid and vodka, looked real enough. You know, when you're a rookie, they can teach you everything about bein' a cop except how to live with a mistake. Anyway, I just couldn't bring myself to draw my gun on anybody again. So, if you plan on imbibing The New Cult Cannon, please, for all the rookie cops out there, make sure it has no resemblance to a real gun whatsoever. And save me a fucking Ding-Dong.”
Not Penny’s Float
Ingredients: ‣1/2 pint vanilla ice cream ‣1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle root beer ‣1/2 cup whipped cream ‣4 maraschino cherries
First. Place 1 scoop of ice cream into each of two tall glasses. Then. Flash back to a time when the ice cream was in the band Drive Shaft. Then. Discover a hatch on the kitchen floor. Then. Blow up the hatch and ignore the scoop of ice cream for awhile. Then. Add more mystery to the ice cream. And more tall glasses. Then. Have some of the ice cream escape from the two tall glasses. Then. Start showing what happens to the ice cream after you’ve eaten the root beer float. Make sure you go heavy on the melodrama. Then. Have the ice cream start jumping temporally. Maybe start pretending you are going to be able to prevent the ice cream from ever happening by going back in time and blowing up the freezer with a nuclear bomb. Then. Add more mythology to the ice cream, like how it all began, and start making promises about how the root beer will all make sense someday. Then. Find a bunch of squirrel bones and put it in a stroller and walk around town, pretending it’s your baby. Then. Pour root beer carefully over the ice cream, which has melted by this point. Finally. Forget this recipe even mentioned whipped cream or maraschino cherries. Ultimately, they are not important. They were never important.
MY WORLD OF SOUPS
Beef Stew... OF CROCK!
Ingredients: ‣3 carrots, sliced ‣3 potatoes, cut in 1-inch pieces ‣2 pounds beef stew meat in 1-inch cubes ‣1 cup beef broth ‣1 teaspoon Worcestershire ‣1 clove garlic, minced ‣1 bay leaf ‣salt to taste ‣1/2 teaspoon pepper ‣1 teaspoon paprika ‣3 onions, quartered ‣1 celery rib, cut up
First. Combine all ingredients in slow cooker in order listed. Then. Stir just enough to mix mix seasonings throughout. Then. Cover and cook on LOW for 10 to 12 hours. Finally. Eat.
“You know who else knew a thing or two about croc? Paul Hogan, Mr. Crocodile Dundee himself. I once watched him wrestle a unicorn to the ground. Paul was naked. So was the unicorn, come to think of it. Both creatures were very aroused.”
Courtney Love Turtle Soup
Ingredients: ‣1 pound de-liced turtle meat, cubed ‣4 potatoes, quartered ‣4 carrots, quartered ‣1 onion, diced ‣1 cup diced turnip ‣1 cup chopped celery ‣1 cup peas ‣1 cup milk ‣Flour to thicken ‣1 tablespoon sugar (optional) ‣2 doll eyes (optional) ‣1 doll mouth (optional) ‣2 doll legs (optional) ‣2 doll arms (optional)
First. Boil turtle meat until nearly tender. Then. Add vegetables and simmer covered, for 1 hour. Then. Add milk and thicken with flour. Then. Mix in sugar, if desired. Finally. Go on, eat everything. Eat everything. I want you to.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.” -Kurt Cobain
Random Rolls with Gérard Depardieu
Cry of the Cormoran (1970) - “Henri” GD: My first feature length film. I played a small part as Henri. I remember the director, Michel Audiard, had this insane rule about doing only two takes per scene, so you really had to have the scene down in rehearsal. Later, I learned that Michel was filming without a license, so that explains the urgency. It was real guerrilla filmmaking, really independent. All we had to eat on set were day-old Kaiser rolls. But when you’re a struggling actor, you don’t ask many questions. The Last Metro (1980) - “Bernard Granger” GD: This was a life-changing experience. I loved working with Truffaut because he introduced me to Tootsie Rolls. He’s a real auteur of Halloween candy. Green Card (1990) - Georges GD: Well, I was this really big star in France and my agent thought I would be a great breakout star over in America. She tells me the script is about a French man, and before she could say any more, I said “I’ll take it” because it was the part I was born to play. We filmed it in New York and Andie (MacDowell) was a delight. She was so tiny and I would keep picking her up and carrying her around and she would yell at me. The one thing I didn’t like, though, was craft services only had California rolls. Sushi was a big thing in the late 80s, when we filmed it, but I complained to Peter (Weir) about it and some intern came to my trailer with a French roll and I was like “What the fuck is that shit?” and the intern said he thought I’d like it, on account of being French and all, but I told that ignorant little troll that French rolls were for American tourists and syphilitic prostitutes. And then I took a piss on his shoes. Cyrano de Bergerac (1990) - Cyrano de Bergerac GD: Steve Martin, eat your heart out. I feel like my Cyrano is an underrated Cyrano because I brought something new to the character, other than just a really long nose. I told the hack director (Jean-Paul Rappeneau) that this is a character with a long nose, why don’t we have a running gag where he’s always finding stray cinnamon rolls with the power of his nose? In retrospect, I was just really craving cinnamon rolls, but I think it added a little levity to the pathos of this guy with a long schnauzer, the fact that even if Roxane rejects him for being a freak, he’s still got the unconditional love of cinnamon rolls. 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992) - Christopher Columbus GD: Only in Hollywood could you have a Frenchman playing a Spaniard who discovers America. I remember getting into a huge argument with Ridley Scott because I thought the movie would do better with younger audiences if Christopher Columbus was always munching on pizza rolls while he is doing his captain things or when he arrives in America. Ridley insisted that it was a horrible idea, that they didn’t have pizza rolls back in 1492, but I paid a historian to tell him otherwise. That Judas ended up editing out all of the instances where I was eating pizza rolls, but if you look close enough, you can see stains on my shirt where I wiped off the sauce.
Random Rolls with Andie MacDowell
Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (1984) - “Miss Jane Porter” AM: My first feature length film. I played Jane. I remember being really nervous, as it was my first time on a movie, but Christopher Lambert was really good about loosening me up. He would pick me up and carry me around the set, pretending he was Tarzan. We filmed it in Cameroon so craft services had these cassava rolls, which are a local delicacy, but Christopher only ate plantains. He was a method actor, which explained the time he started throwing his feces at the poor director, Hugh Hudson. But when you’re a struggling actor, you don’t ask many questions. Multiplicity (1996) - “Laura Kinney” AM: I love Michael Keaton in this. All his clones are these great little comic characters, and I feel like his performance in the movie was largely ignored. The filming was an arduous process, since Michael had to film virtually every scene three or four times, but he kept it light on the set. Sometimes, he would pick me up and carry me around the set, telling the crew that I was the Oscar he deserved for Clean & Sober, and the crew would just roll their eyes. Groundhog Day (1993) - Rita AM: It’s a perfect movie. I’m so glad I was a part of it. Bill Murray hurt his back picking me up, in that scene in the snow, and Chris Elliott made some joke about how it was probably because I was too fat, and I laughed it off, but I haven’t eaten a taquito ever since. The Last of the Mohicans (1992) - Cora Munro AM: I’m sorry, I was not in that. Are you maybe thinking of Madeleine Stowe? AVC: Oops, you’re right. I’m sorry about that. AM: It’s okay. People make that mistake because we were both in Short Cuts and Bad Girls, but obviously you haven’t done much research. AVC: It won’t happen again. Do you happen to have her phone number? AM: Next question. Green Card (1990) - Brontë AM: It was a great experience working with Peter Weir. He had just come off Dead Poets Society, so he was a hot commodity in Hollywood. Everyone wanted to work with him. And he was so sensitive to his actors. On the first day of the shoot, he asked me what would make me feel at home, and I told him sushi reminded me of Los Angeles, so every day, there were a million California rolls on set. Gérard Depardieu hated them. He used to pick me up and carry me around the set, which I hated. I think he did it because he was so mad about the California rolls, but whatever. He was a consummate asshole on set, but I wish him the best. Twelve Monkeys (1995) - Kathryn Railly AM: Really?
Random Rolls with Stephen Tobolowsky
Keep My Grave Open (1976) - “Robert” ST: My first feature length film. I played Robert. There was a rumor going around the set that the director ran over his grandmother with a Rolls Royce and used his inheritance to fund the movie. But when you’re a struggling actor, you don’t ask many questions. Groundhog Day (1993) - Ned ST: Not a day goes by where somebody doesn’t stop me on the street and calls me “Needlenose Ned”. Which is confusing in a way, because that’s what made the character of Ned so annoying in the movie, stopping Phil every time he saw him. So now I carry a gun with me whenever I go out in public. Nothing stops an autograph seeker in their tracks like a loaded revolver in their face. I had a great time on that film, great fun filming all those scenes with Bill Murray. And I’m glad that Andie MacDowell gave up her nasty taquito habit. Sneakers (1992) - Dr. Werner Brandes ST: Bar none the most fun I’ve ever had on a movie. You had all these icons. Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, Donal Logue. It was like partying with the Rolling Stones, except you didn’t have to sleep with David Bowie if you didn’t want to. The Country Bears (2002) - Norbert Barrington ST: Willie Nelson really knew how to roll a joint. Me and M.C. Gainey popped into Willie’s trailer after a day of shooting and we got so high, we forget what state we were in. We got the munchies real bad and we went to the nearest IHOP and ordered the never-ending pancakes. Three hours later, the manager comes over to our table and tells us they are out of pancakes. Without hesitation, M.C. Gainey pulls a knife and stabs the manager to death. All of a sudden, we’re burying parts of this poor son of a bitch all over Tennessee. When we got back to set, we were so late that Christopher Walken pulls me aside, asks me what’s going on. I tell him everything, and he just tells me “You’ll be fine. Just make sure you and M.C. Gainey get your stories straight.” It sounded like he had done this before. My Father The Hero (1994) - Mike ST: Sometimes you do a project because it means you get to spend 2 months in the Bahamas, and this was one of those times. I guess we were all go happy to be in the Bahamas that we overlooked the creepy aspects of the film, but was it worth being in what would have been a Best Picture winning movie if all the Oscar voters that year were pedophiles? Yes, because the Bahamas are amazing. My favorite moment on set was when Lauren Hutton and I got Gérard Depardieu to eat an entire roll of quarters on a dare.
The George Lucas
Turkey, havarti, mayonnaise, mango chutney, cayenne pepper, lettuce, and apple slices on a croissant. Midway through the sandwich, remove the turkey and replace it with a piece of stiff cardboard. Put the turkey in a safe deposit box. Pretend the piece of turkey never existed.
The Lindsay Lohan
Dry-aged roast beef, provolone cheese, Worcestershire sauce, and pickled banana pepper rings on a toasted hoagie. Served with a side of French onion soup brimming with lipstick-stained cigarette butts.
The James Franco
Peanut butter (but not peanut butter from some commercial titan like Jif... this is real peanut butter, produced from the blood, sweat, and tears of the worldwide agrarian collective, with peanuts picked and roasted in Indonesia, then smuggled into the United States by Topher Grace) and jelly on white bread.
The Gary Busey
Liverwurst, Sensodyne, red onions, ketchup, soggy deed for Marvin Gardens, and beef tomato slices shoved in between two heels of stale wheat bread, along with a side of corn chips, all served on a cocaine-encrusted vinyl of Dennis Wilson’s Pacific Ocean Blue.
The Sean O’Neal
Digital stock photographs of ham, Swiss cheese, dijon mustard, and rye bread, as well as their respective Wikipedia entries, uploaded onto a memory stick and implanted into a clandestine USB slot just behind the left ear. Served with a side of mush made up of single cell proteins combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins, and minerals designed for robots, because of course he is.
The Nicolas Cage
Honey ham, cheddar cheese, dijon mustard, and olive oil on an oven-roasted ciabatta roll, placed in the oven and forgotten about until the smoke alarm goes off. How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned? HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED? OH, NO! NOT THE CHEESE! NOT THE CHEESE! AAAAAHHHHH! This is murder! Murder! You'll all be guilty, and you're doing it for nothing! Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey ham!
The Michael Bay
The sandwich begins on an aircraft carrier out at sea. The captain (Tom Wilkinson) of the ship is talking to the guy who monitors the radar. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” says the radar guy (Tom Sizemore). “It doesn’t make any sense. It looks like a school of tuna fish.” Suddenly, the bow of the ship is throttled by an unseen force. There’s an explosion in the radar room and the radar guy is fucking dead. “Call the Pentagon,” barks the captain. The phone rings at the Pentagon and the fucking President of the United States (Tom Hanks) answers. “What the fuck is it?” he yells. “It’s a school of tuna,” yells the captain, right as the entire ship blows up. There’s like 2 straight minutes of explosions. “Holy fuck,” says the President, as he slams the phone down and races to his fighter jet. He flies his fighter jet to the ocean, but on the way, he is intercepted by Bin Laden in a fighter jet. Bin Laden is no match for the POTUS and he quips “I’m sorry, Mr. Bin Laden, but I’ve got a date with a tuna sandwich”, then he’s all “You’ve heard of mecca? Well, mecca lecca high, mecca hiney ho, motherfucker!”, and blows his bearded ass out of the sky with a fucking homing missile. The explosion rivals 9/11 in its explosion-ness. The POTUS arrives at the site of the aircraft carrier disaster and sees that it’s not a school of tuna, but one giant tuna that is the size of a school of tuna. “Looks like my last bowel movement,” quips the President, as he pushes the FIRE button for the specially armed tuna homing missile. Jammed. “Well, Teddy Roosevelt didn’t need any fucking missiles,” says the President, and he grabs his hunting knife out of his briefcase with all the launch codes and hits the auto-eject button and parachutes down into the mouth of the mega-tuna. Inside the mega-tuna, the President realizes that it is really a mechanical leviathan being operated by a still-alive Adolf Hitler (Tom Selleck). The President murders his way past Hitler’s best henchmen (Tom Waits and Tom Hiddleston) and puts a knife up to Hitler’s wrinkly old neck and says “You might be the Axis of Evil but I’m the fucking Axis of Symmetry.” And Hitler just starts laughing and explains that the tuna leviathan is rigged to self-destruct in ten minutes. The President jabs the knife through Hitler’s neck, which explodes, then rescues Albert Einstein (Tom Hulce) from his gilded cage, and the two of them hop on a hover-jetski that Einstein invented while he was held hostage and fly out of the giant tuna just as it explodes. There’s a brief jump cut to a Transformer (one of the racist caricature ones) on the surface of Jupiter and they watch the explosion; that’s how big the explosion will be. The end of the movie is Einstein and the President, covered in mechanical tuna, hover-jetskiing back to the mainland. “What day is it?” asks Einstein. “It's Wednesday... eh, it's Tuesday, I think,” replies the President. “Think the tide's with us?” asks Einstein. “Keep throttling,” says the President. “I used to hate the water,” says Einstein. “I can’t imagine why,” says the President. Then, the camera pans backward and Hitler’s head pops up out of the water. He is still alive. However, the President’s fighter jet from earlier in the sandwich finally lands on him with a big ass thud.
The Kim Kardashian
Two Polish sausages crammed into a warm biscuit, then topped with a heaping helping of room temperature ranch dressing.
The Adam Sandler
Egg salad on lightly toasted sourdough, inserted into a paper bag and sat on by Kevin James for half an hour. Then, the paper bag spends another hour in Allen Covert’s hot-boxed Volkswagen Sentra. Finally, it is left out in the hot sun for the rest of the afternoon, until Rob Schneider comes along and delivers it to your house, but not before using your bathroom to spray diarrhea all over the wall. Directed by Dennis Dugan.
The Jon Hamm
Roasted turkey and pepper jack cheese on an onion roll.
The Lena Dunham
Grilled zucchini, red peppers, red onion, and a thimble full of low-fat mayonnaise on one piece of double fiber whole wheat bread, deep-fried in Crisco and covered in chocolate fudge, then frosted and eaten right before bed, apparently.
The Terence Malick
A piece of salami lies motionless on a wooden cutting board as ambient music plays. Suddenly, there’s a flashback of a prehistoric boar running away from a sabertooth tiger. Cut to a housecat taking a nap on a sleeping Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt wakes up and goes into the kitchen to make himself a salami sandwich with artichoke hearts and olives. He realizes that he doesn’t have any mayonnaise, so he goes to the store, leaving the piece of salami lying motionless on the wooden cutting board. The housecat jumps up and eats the salami. Cut to Brad Pitt at the store, buying a loaf of bread. He walks out to his car and is mauled by a sabertooth tiger in the parking lot.
The Chris Brown
A piece of shit on a bagel.
Lisa Needs Braised Ribs!
Ingredients: ‣2 tablespoons canola oil ‣6 flank-style short ribs with bones, cut 2 inches thick ‣1 large onion, finely chopped ‣2 carrots, sliced ‣3 celery ribs, sliced ‣3 garlic cloves, thickly sliced ‣1 750-milliliter bottle dry red wine ‣4 thyme sprigs ‣3 cups chicken stock ‣kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
First. In a large skillet, heat the oil. Season the ribs with salt and pepper. Add them to the skillet and cook over moderate heat, turning once, until browned and crusty (Hey! Hey!), about 18 minutes. Transfer the ribs to a shallow baking dish in a single layer. Then. Add the onion, carrots, celery and garlic to the skillet and cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, until very soft and lightly browned (like Dr. Hibbard!), about 20 minutes. Add the wine and thyme sprigs and bring to a boil over high heat. Pour the hot marinade over the ribs and let cool. Cover and refrigerate overnight, turning the ribs once. Then. Preheat the oven to 350°. Transfer the ribs and marinade to a large, enameled cast-iron casserole. Add the chicken stock and bring to a boil. Cover and cook in the lower third of the oven for 1 1/2 hours, until the meat is tender (like Moe!) but not falling apart. Uncover and braise for 45 minutes longer, turning the ribs once or twice, until the sauce is reduced by about half and the meat is very tender. Then. Transfer the meat to a clean shallow (like Mr. Burns!) baking (like Otto!) dish (like Marge!), discarding the bones as they fall off. Strain the sauce into a heatproof measuring cup and skim off as much fat as possible. Pour the sauce over the meat; there should be about 2 cups. Finally. Preheat the broiler. Broil the meat, turning once or twice, until glazed and sizzling, about 10 minutes. Transfer the meat to plates, spoon the sauce on top and serve.
Ingredients: ‣Dash Salt ‣Dash Pepper ‣Dash Chili Powder ‣Dash Parsley ‣Dash Garlic Powder ‣Dash Caraway Seed ‣3 1/2 c. uncooked elbow macaroni ‣3/4 - 1 lb. grated cheese ‣6 c. milk ‣5 tbsp. butter
First. Melt butter in 9 x 13 inch pan. Then. Pour uncooked macaroni into melted butter. Stir well until coated. Then. Stir six seasons and cheese through macaroni. Pour milk over all. Then. Bake at 375 degrees for 1 hour. Do not stir while baking. Finally. Start an online petition to bring Firefly back.
“One of my life’s great regrets is that we never got to do a Family Matters movie. All Miller-Boyett cared about was an Urkel movie. There was an Urkel vehicle bouncing around Hollywood at the time. Jaleel White requested too much money and they went in another direction with the script. The name of the movie they ended up making? Training Day.”
THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO
Ingredients: ‣1½ cups arborio rice ‣1 qt chicken stock ‣½ cup white wine ‣1 medium shallot or ½ small onion ‣3 Tbsp unsalted butter ‣1 Tbsp vegetable oil ‣¼ cup grated Parmesan cheese ‣1 Tbsp chopped Italian parsley ‣Kosher salt, to taste
CUT THE SHALLOT INTO PIECES, THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO SUFFOCATION, NO BREATHING, HEAT THE STOCK TO A SIMMER DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND LOWER THE HEAT SO THE STOCK STAYS HOT, THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO CHOP THE PARSLEY INTO PIECES, I’VE REACHED MY LAST RISOTTO DO YOU EVEN CARE IF THE OIL AND BUTTER ARE HEATING? WOULD IT BE WRONG, WOULD IT BE RIGHT IF YOU ADD THE SHALLOT AND RICE AND STIR WITH A WOODEN SPOON AND DON’T LET THE RICE BROWN? CHANCES ARE THAT I MIGHT ADD WINE AND STIR SOME MORE INEBRIATION IS OUT OF SIGHT AND I’M CONTEMPLATING ADDING MORE STOCK ‘CAUSE THE LIQUID IS ABSORBED, LIQUID ABSORBED MIX THE STOCK LIKE SUCH UNTIL THE GRAINS ARE TENDER LOSING MY STOCK, LOSING MY STOCK WISH SOMEBODY WOULD SET THE DAMN TABLE SPOON THE DISH ONTO PLATES IN PIECES, THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO SUFFOCATION, NO BREATHING, TOP WITH SOME PARMESAN CHEESE DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND EAT YOUR MEAL WITH A SIDE OF SALAD THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO
Taco Bell Bell Peppers
Ingredients: ‣Taco Bell Party Pack (12 crunchy tacos) ‣Taco Bell Fire Sauce (24 packets) ‣4 bell peppers ‣1 blender ‣1 BONG
First. Use the BONG to get high. This is gonna take some epic concentration. Then. Use the blender to blend up the tacos and the fire sauce. Then. Use the BONG to get high. You earned it. Then. Cut top off peppers 1 inch from the stem end, and remove seeds. Stick the peppers in a pot of boiling water for three minutes. In the meantime, use the BONG to get high. This is gonna be so good. Then. After you let the peppers cool for a little bit, take your Taco Bell taco casserole and stuff it into the bell peppers. Then. Stick those bell peppers on a greased pan in an oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Finally. Use the BONG to get high and watch Saved by the Bell while you munch on your Taco Bell bell peppers and then just marvel at how fucking meta you are.
Manic Pixie Dream Gyros
Ingredients: ‣1 cup ranch salad dressing ‣1/2 cup chopped seeded peeled cucumber ‣1 pound beef top sirloin steak, cut into thin strips ‣2 tablespoons olive oil ‣5 whole pita breads, warmed ‣1 medium tomato, chopped ‣1 can (2-1/4 ounces) sliced ripe olives, drained ‣1/2 small onion, thinly sliced ‣1 cup (4 ounces) crumbled feta cheese ‣2-1/2 cups shredded lettuce
First. In a small bowl, combine salad dressing and cucumber; set aside. In a large skillet, cook beef in oil over medium heat until no longer pink. Then. Layer half of each pita with steak, tomato, olives, onion, cheese, lettuce and dressing mixture. Fold each pita over filling; secure with toothpicks. Finally. Start listening to the Shins.
Annie’s Tubes (Of Steak)
Ingredients: ‣1 small white or yellow onion ‣1 small red onion ‣½ cup cider vinegar ‣½ cup distilled white vinegar ‣½ cup granulated sugar ‣1 tablespoon kosher salt ‣2 teaspoons celery seed ‣1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes ‣8 all-beef hot dogs, about 1/4 pound each ‣8 hot dog buns ‣yellow mustard ‣ketchup First. Trim off the ends of the onions. Cut each onion in half lengthwise. With a very sharp knife, cut the onions into paper-thin slices and place in a shallow, non-reactive dish, such as a glass pie plate. In a medium bowl combine the remaining onion ingredients. Whisk thoroughly to dissolve the sugar and salt. Pour the vinegar mixture over the onions and stir to coat them evenly. Set aside at room temperature for about 3 hours, stirring the onions occasionally. Drain the pickled onions and set aside. Then. Using a sharp knife, cut a few shallow slashes in each hot dog. Then. Prepare the grill for direct cooking over medium heat (350° to 450°F). Then. Brush the cooking grates clean. Grill the hot dogs over direct medium heat, with the lid closed as much as possible, until lightly marked on the outside and hot all the way to the center, 5 to 7 minutes, turning occasionally. Finally. Place the hot dogs in buns. Squeeze your condiment of choice alongside each hot dog and top with pickled onions. Serve warm.
Anne Hathaway Jerk Chicken
Ingredients: ‣6 green onions, chopped ‣1 onion, chopped ‣1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced ‣3/4 cup soy sauce ‣1/2 cup distilled white vinegar ‣1/4 cup vegetable oil ‣2 tablespoons brown sugar ‣1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme ‣1/2 teaspoon ground cloves ‣1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg ‣1/2 teaspoon ground allspice ‣1 1/2 pounds boneless chicken breast halves
First. In a food processor or blender, combine the green onions, onion, jalapeno pepper, soy sauce, vinegar, vegetable oil, brown sugar, thyme, cloves, nutmeg and allspice. Mix for about 15 seconds while thinking about baseball. Then. Place the breasts on a cutting board and pound on them with your stiff meat hammer until tender. Then. Place those breasts in a medium bowl, and coat them with your fresh marinade. Then. Refrigerate for 4 to 6 hours, or until you are hungry for those liquid-coated breasts. Then. Preheat grill for high heat. Finally. Lightly oil grill grate. Cook chicken on the prepared grill 6 to 8 minutes, until juices run clear.
“My wife has this great jerk chicken recipe. I clap whenever I see Anne Hathaway.” -Fred Willard
Big Red Gnocchi
Ingredients: ‣1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil ‣1 small onion, finely chopped ‣3 cloves garlic, minced ‣1/4 cup dry white wine ‣1 can (28 ounces) whole plum tomatoes with juice, crushed by hand ‣1 can (14 1/2 ounces) tomato sauce ‣2 sprigs basil ‣1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper, flakes ‣Coarse salt and freshly ground pepper ‣Gnocchi ‣Thinly shaved parmesan cheese, for serving
First. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat until hot but not smoking. Add onion and garlic; cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is translucent, 5 to 7 minutes. Then. Add wine; cook until most liquid has evaporated. Add tomatoes and juice, tomato sauce, basil, and red pepper flakes. Then. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer until slightly thick, about 30 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Remove from heat; cover to keep warm. Then. Bring a large pot water to a boil; add 1 tablespoon salt. Add half of the gnocchi; when they rise to the top (after about 2 minutes), continue to cook until tender, about 15 seconds more. Then. Transfer gnocchi with a slotted spoon to pan with sauce. Repeat process with remaining gnocchi. Finally. Reheat gnocchi over low heat; gently toss. Serve with cheese shavings.
I Am The One Who Knockwurst
Ingredients: ‣1/2 cup chopped onion ‣2 tablespoons butter ‣3 tablespoons sugar ‣1 teaspoon dry mustard ‣1/8 teaspoon ground cloves ‣1/4 cup honey ‣1/4 cup vinegar ‣8 knockwursts, about 2 pound
First. In a medium saucepan over medium-low heat, sauté onion in butter until golden brown. Then. Remove from heat and stir in sugar, mustard, cloves, honey, and vinegar. Then. Place knockwursts in pan, coating well with the sauce. Finally. Put back on heat and simmer, covered, turning a few times, for about 10 minutes, until puffed and glazed, kinda like Anna Gunn in season 4.
“Breaking Bad is no doubt one of my favorite shows, but I was breaking Bad before it was cool. Flash back to 1987. I’m a security guard for Michael Jackson. Long story short, I’m no longer allowed within 500 feet of Michael Jackson.”
A Very Special Empanada
Ingredients: ‣4 1/2 cups all-purpose flour ‣1 1/2 teaspoons salt ‣1/2 cup shortening ‣1 1/4 cups water, or as needed ‣2 tablespoons olive oil ‣1 small onion, chopped ‣1 1/2 pounds ground beef ‣1 pinch salt ‣2 tablespoons paprika ‣1 tablespoon cumin ‣1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper ‣1/2 cup raisins ‣1 tablespoon white vinegar ‣2 hard-cooked eggs, peeled and chopped ‣1 quart oil for frying, or as needed
First. In a medium bowl, stir together the flour and salt. Cut in shortening using a pastry blender, or pinching into small pieces using your fingers, until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Use a fork to stir in water a few tablespoons at a time, until the mixture forms a ball. Pat into a ball, and flatten slightly. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour, not unlike Cherie in that one episode of Punky Brewster. Then. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until tender. Crumble in the beef, and season with salt, paprika, cumin and black pepper. Cook, stirring frequently, until beef is browned. Drain excess grease, and stir in the raisins and vinegar. Refrigerate until chilled, then stir in the hard-cooked eggs, similar to the emotions stirred up when Edith Bunker was nearly raped in that one episode of All In The Family. Then. Form the dough into 2 inch balls. On a floured surface, roll each ball out into a thin circle. Spoon some of the meat mixture onto the center, then fold into half-moon shapes. Seal edges by pressing with your fingers, kinda like what Gordon Jump attempted to do to Arnold in that one episode of Diff’rent Strokes. Finally. Heat oil in a deep-fryer to 365 degrees F (180 degrees C). Place one or two pies into the fryer at a time. Cook for about 5 minutes, turning once to brown on both sides. Drain on paper towels, and serve hot, much like the heat generated when that one guy on Beverly Hills 90210 accidentally shot himself in the head.
THE FUCKING INGREDIENTS: ‣1 CUP BAKING MIX ‣1/2 CUP VEGETABLE OIL ‣2 TABLESPOONS DRIED PARSLEY ‣1 PINCH GROUND BLACK PEPPER ‣2 CLOVES GARLIC, CHOPPED ‣1 EGG ‣1/2 CUP GRATED ROMANO CHEESE ‣1/4 TEASPOON SALT ‣3 CUPS SLICED ZUCCHINI
FIRST. DON’T BE A STUPID COCKSUCKER AND REHEAT THE FUCKING OVEN TO 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. CELSIUS IS FOR PUSSIES, YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS. THEN. TAKE A FUCKING MIXING BOWL, STIR TOGETHER THE FUCKING BAKING MIX LIKE MARTHA STEWART RIDING SATAN’S COCK, THE FUCKING VEGETABLE OIL, THE DRIED ASS PARSLEY, SHITTY ASS PEPPER, CUMGUZZLING GARLIC, YOUR FUCKING CHICKEN FETUSES, YOUR FANCY ASS ROMANO CHEESE, THE STUPID FUCKING SALT, AND THE GREEN PIECE OF SHIT ZUCCHINI. POUR THE FUCKING MIIXTURE INTO A LIGHTLY GREASED 8X12 INCH PAN. DON’T BE SUCH A COCKTEASE WITH THAT GREASE. AND DON’T PRONOUNCE GREASE LIKE IT RHYMES WITH COCKTEASE. I HATE THAT FUCKING SHIT. THEN. TELEPATHICALLY COMMUNICATE WITH THAT SUAVE MOTHERFUCKER, JASON STATHAM THEN. BAKE THAT SHIT 20 MINUTES, OR UNTIL GOLDEN FUCKING BROWN. CUT INTO MOTHERFUCKING SQUARES AND SERVE. BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONES YOU SERVE, YOU’RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE. I WISH I COULD SHOVE THIS FUCKING DISH DOWN YOUR STUPID THROAT, YOU MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE, AND EAT THE FUCKING FOIE GRAS OUT OF YOUR COCKSUCKING SPINE.
The Big Pork Butt Cook
Presented by Guest Chef Brett Ratner
Ingredients: ‣1 (4 lb) pork shoulder butt, roast ‣1 whole garlic clove (optional, use as many as desired) ‣1/3 cup Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce ‣3/4 cup light brown sugar ‣1 1/4 cups unsweetened apple juice ‣1/2 teaspoon salt ‣1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper (or to taste)
First. Make small slits all over the roast then insert a whole garlic clove into each slit. This is optional, I just really like saying slit. Then. Place the roast in a greased casserole dish with a lid. Then. Sprinkle the roast on all sides with Worcestershire sauce, much like audiences sprinkled in to see 2004’s After the Sunset, amirite? Then. Let sit at room temperature for 1-1/2 hours, roughly the length of Money Talks. Then. After 1-1/2 hours, wake up and spoon any Worcestershire sauce (if any) back on the roast that has accumulated on the bottom of the casserole. My nickname around Hollywood is “the bottom of the casserole”. Then. Using hands press the brown sugar well into the meat on all sides making certain to adhere the sugar to the meat, similar to how Chris Tucker really adhered to the meaty mixture of action and comedy in Rush Hour 3. Then. Pour the apple juice into Brett Ratner the bottom of the casserole. Then. Cover tightly. Then. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F for 15 minutes. Don’t tell me about 15 minutes! Then. Place the roast in the oven and immediately reduce the temperature down to 200 degrees F or else you’ll ruin it like I ruined the X-Men franchise. Then. Roast for about 4 hours (seemingly the length of The Family Man) or until the meat is falling-apart tender (cooking time will vary depending on the size of the roast). Then. Stir the salt (Brett Ratner) and black pepper (Eddie Murphy) into the juice (Oscars). Finally. Slice meat as desired.
Ingredients: ‣1 tablespoon olive oil ‣1 lb ground sirloin ‣salt and pepper ‣1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce ‣1 small onion, chopped ‣2 garlic cloves, chopped ‣1 tablespoon chili powder ‣1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce ‣8 beef hot dogs ‣1 tablespoon butter ‣1 tablespoon hot sauce ‣8 hot dog buns, toasted ‣2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
First. Heat skillet over medium high heat. Then. Add olive oil and meat and season with salt and pepper. Then. Help Dale fix the radiator hose. Then. Brown and crumble beef. Then. Add Worcestershire, onion, garlic, chili powder, and cook together for 5 minutes. Then. Add tomato sauce and reduce heat to low. Then. Meanwhile, boil franks in shallow pan. Then. Blend into the background. Then. Drain water and return pan to medium heat. Then. Melt butter in skillet and add hot sauce. Then. Let the Asian guy go into that scary hole. Then. Add T-Dogs to pan, browning and crisping the casings in hot sauce and butter. Then. Heat broiler. Then. Place T-Dogs in buns and top with chili and cheese. Then. Refrain from any of that gangster shit. Then. Place T-Dogs under broiler and melt cheese. Finally. Serve immediately after personal redemptive arc.
Ingredients: ‣1/4 ounce dry yeast ‣1 cup water, lukewarm ‣1 teaspoon sugar ‣3 cups bread flour ‣1/2 teaspoon salt ‣1 tablespoon olive oil ‣1/2 cup tomato puree ‣2 tablespoons tomato paste ‣1 garlic clove, minced ‣1 tablespoon fresh basil, chopped ‣4 ounces fresh mozzarella cheese ‣1 non-nude photograph of Hugh Laurie
First. In a glass or plastic bowl, combine yeast, water, and sugar (the water can just be water from the tap, make sure it's below 100°F). Then. Stir to dissolve the yeast and let the yeast "bloom" for 15 minutes. Then. Stir in 1 cup flour, add salt, and then stir in another cup of flour (the remaining cup of flour will be your "bench" flour and added flour). Then. Dump mixture onto kneading board and work in last cup of flour, kneading until dough is soft and elastic, but not sticky. Form dough into a ball. Then. In another bowl, pour in the 1 tbsp olive oil and spread around. Then. Coat ball of dough with oil and cover bowl with a damp towel and let dough rise for 40 minutes. Then. Punch down dough (like Don punched Jimmy Barrett) and knead on board about 2 minutes. Dough is now ready to spread in the pan. Then. To avoid sticking of crust, lightly spray pizza pan with olive oil or vegetable oil spray and then work dough to pan (or use free form pan) - this dough is enough for 1 14-in pizza with a thin bottom crust and enough dough around the edge to munch. Then. Combine pureed tomatoes, tomato paste, minced garlic, and basil. Then. Spread onto prepared pizza dough. Then. Top with sliced mozzarella cheese, styling the pizza in the shape of Dr. Gregory House’s face, and and bake at 500°F for 11-13 minutes. Finally. Just taste it!
Laurel Canyon Ground Round
Ingredients: ‣1½ pounds ground round (or lean ground beef) ‣1 egg, beaten ‣½ cup Panko bread crumbs ‣1 small onion (chopped) ‣1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup ‣1 (14 ounce) can beef broth ‣1 tablespoon cooking oil
First. Combine ground round, egg, Panko bread crumbs, onion, and ¼ cup cream of mushroom soup in a large bowl. Then. Divide beef mixture evenly into 6 patties about ½ inch thick patty. Then. Whisk together the remaining cream of mushroom soup and beef broth in a bowl until smooth. Then. Heat a large non-stick skillet over medium-heat. Cook the burgers until browned, 3 to 4 minutes on each side. Then add the cream of mushroom soup, and beef broth. Then. Pour mixture over the patties, and then reduce heat to low. Simmer until the patties are no longer pink in the center, about 20 minutes or 155F in the center. Finally. Serve with mashed potatoes or noodles.
Ingredients: ‣1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked ‣1 (4.6 ounce) package non-instant vanilla pudding mix ‣3 cups milk ‣1/2 cup fresh strawberries, sliced ‣1/2 cup fresh blueberries ‣1 cup fresh peaches, pitted and sliced ‣1/2 cup fresh raspberries ‣1 cup kiwi, sliced ‣1/4 cup any flavor fruit jam
First. Combine pudding mix and milk in a medium saucepan. Cook according to package directions. Pour pudding into pastry shell and refrigerate until cool and firm. Arrange fruit on top of pudding layer. Finally. Place jam in a small saucepan over low heat, stirring occasionally until runny. Using a pastry brush, coat fruit with jam. Now hide in the closet and eat the whole thing yourself. You can’t take it with you, for the tarts will be left behind.
“Did somebody say “Left Behind?” This one time I was on the set of Turner and Hooch, just doing my thing, which was eating donuts. I’m a real method actor. Anyway, I got to feeling a pain on my left buttocks, and lo and behold, it was Hooch, gnawing on my meaty backside. I calmly bludgeoned him to death with a jelly donut. Tom Hanks just starts sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t know he was a jelly donut man.”
Crystal Blue Persuasion
Ingredients: ‣2-4 cups sugar ‣1 cup water ‣Blue food coloring ‣rough cotton string ‣clean jar or glass ‣pencil or butter knife ‣saucepan and stove ‣1986 Fleetwood Bounder (optional)
First. Pour the sugar and water into the saucepan. Start with 2 cups of sugar. Add blue food coloring. Then. Heat the mixture over medium heat, while stirring, until it just comes to a boil. Add more sugar until it stops dissolving. Then. Try to avoid letting the mixture get hotter. Keep it near-boiling and stir until the sugar dissolves. This is when mixture becomes clear, without crystals floating in the liquid. Then. Remove the pan from the heat. Set the pan in the refrigerator to cool for about 15 minutes. You want the mixture to be room temperature or cooler before pouring it in the jar. Then. Dampen the cotton string with the syrup mixture. Roll the string in dry sugar. Shake off any excess sugar. Then. Tie the string to a pencil or knife so that you can rest the pencil on top of a clean jar with the string not touching the sides or bottom of the container. Then. Pour the cooled syrup into the jar and add the string. You can cover the top with a paper towel, coffee filter, or piece of waxed paper. Then. Allow the jar to sit undisturbed for 3-7 days. Remove (and eat) any crust of sugar that forms on the top of the liquid. Then. Remove the crystals when you are satisfied with their size. Then.. You can eat the rock candy immediately or you can have Skinny Pete and Badger sell it on the street. Finally. Store rock candy in a dry, sealed container, like a Los Pollos Hermanos fry batter bucket. The candy will stick to itself tight tight tight, so you may wish to wrap it in waxed paper or coat it with confectioner's sugar or chili powder.
Ingredients: ‣1/4 cup butter or margarine (1/2 stick) ‣6 cups Rice Krispies ‣6 - 10 ozs. Stay Puft brand regular marshmallows (about 40)
First. Open your refrigerator, get butter out from behind miniature altar of Zuul. Then. Melt butter in 3-quart saucepan. Then. Don’t think of anything. Clear your mind. You’ve only got one crack at this. Then. Add Stay Puft marshmallows and cook over low proton heat, crossing streams constantly, until marshmallows are melted and mixture is syrupy. Turn off proton pack. Then. Add Rice Krispies and stir until well coated. Finally. Press warm mixture evenly and firmly into buttered 13 X 9-inch pan. Cut into squares when cool. But it will never be cool, will it, Genevieve?
A scene from the 1984 film Ghostbusters. Pictured from left to right: Bill Murray, Genevieve Koski.