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By Patricia Backora
Based on my current project:
Brother Bobcat’s Barf Burgers
Our Secret Ingredients
Churchy Cheese: Emulsified (imitation) cheese shot with a pressure gun.
Bobcat Batter: carbonated H2O, flour, lard, powdered egg, gunp…, I
mean, baking powder, ca!enne pepper, salt
Green Pasture Sauce: pul"eri#ed green tomatoes, green chilis,
cilantro and secret herbs and spices found b! the wa!side.
oodshed Sauce: HI$%O&' smoke, malt "inegar, crab apple puree
and black ()&*+ molasses.
B!essing Burger Patties, - o#. patties ground up from $ontented
$ows (euthani#ed horses), lard, so!a grits, egg (powder), H2O, brown gra"! mi.,
prime butcher cuts (butcher scraps), salt, pepper, then coated with
cornmeal and deep/fried in (rancid cottonseed) oil to a crisp! brown.
"e!!fire Sauce: 0alape1o puree, 2irds e!e chili peppers, ca!enne
pepper, salt, cornstarch and malt "inegar.
#i$ie #e%i! #ip: 3hite cornmeal, flour, baking powder, ca!enne
pepper, salt, egg (powder), shortening (lard), buttermilk.
Onion "a!oes, +re/shaped onion/fla"ored starch rings coated in
2obcat batter and deep/fried (in cottonseed oil). 45.-6
Chicken Brick: $hoice chicken chunk filet (reconstituted chicken scraps) pressed
into a brick and coated with 2obcat 2atter for fr!ing.
Chicken S!ab: $hoice chicken filet (reconstituted chicken scraps) pressed into a
rectangle for grilling.
&ou Can’t B'() Our *ni+ue )reats,
-aith -ries/7ro#en potato planks nuked to defrost, then fried (in
cottonseed oil), (hea"il!) salted and kept hot under our Hellfire Heat 8amp.
(mall/45.22 9edium/45.-: 8arge/45.;- 0umbo/42.5< +igout/42.5-
Church "ouse Chi!i, =round steak (horse butt) tomatoes, pinto beans,
onions, hot peppers, and plent! of traditional )e.as seasonings.
2! the cup/45.5> 2! the bowl/42.<> O& 2! the tub/4<.<<
)he oodshed einer: ?elicious foot/long dog made of prime pork
cuts (pul"eri#ed chicken guts) and skewered on a HI$%O&' (3I)$H.. $oated in
our special ?i.ie ?e"il ?ip and deep/fried (in cottonseed oil) to a crunch!
brown. (er"ed with an arra! of sauc! dips. 42.;6
Chicken Bits, 5< 2readed, bite/si#ed nuggets (formed from factor! chicken
scraps). ?eep fried (in cottonseed oil). 42.62
oodshed .anch Beans: +intos +&E((@&E/cooked in our own
special 3oodshed (auce. +repared with lots of lo"e (lard). 45.:A per cup
45.6< per bowl. Health warning, Eat 2 bowls and !ouBll blow up
/acho 0achos, 7ried corn chips buried under (lefto"er) chili and heaped
with $hurch! $heese (auce, then topped with a generous dollop of
Hellfire (auce and Calape1os. 42.6<
"ea%en!y "ash "ero Breakfast Sand1ich, &efried treats (lefto"er
scraps) topped with gooe! egg, whole hog sausage and bacon, ser"ed
between two 2@))/ered waffles. 3aste not, want not 4<.AA
)he Bend O%er Burrito, 2ig slab of steakburger (horse flank filet) folded
o"er Cack cheese, 3oodshed &anch 2eans, and Hellfire (auce.
3rapped in our special )ortilla )ent and nuked till piping hot. 42.66
Brother Bobcat’s Burgers
)he Itty2bitty Burger, ODE 2lessing 2urger patt! ser"ed on a plain
bun. (er"ed with ma!o, mustard, onion, ketchup, pickle. )hatBs it.
45.:- $heese is :<E e.tra.
Steep!e Stack, 2obcat +att!, $hurch! $heese, pickles, onion haloes,
balone!, 3oodshed (auce, fried whole hog sausage, =reen +astures
(auce, fried green tomato. (er"ed on a High/&ise 7un 2un. 4<.<<
#eacon #e!ite, 2lessing 2urger +att!, 0ack $heese, =reen +asture
(auce, fried chicken brick, ma!o, lettuce, all on a seeded bun. 4<.>-
)he G!uttonous /a$imus, )wo 2lessing 2urger +atties ser"ed on
twin 7un 2@D(, la!ered with $hurch! cheese, stacked with two deep/
fried chicken chunks, balone!, $hurch! $heese, onion haloes, pickle
and ma!o. ?ouble the fun. 4<.;6
Bobcat Burger, 2 A/o# top sirloin (horse 2@))) patties dotted with
cream! 7atback +ellets and 2acon 2ullets, rolled in cornmeal and
deep/fried to a golden brown. (tacked with Onion Haloes, then
smothered in $hurch! $heese and topped with #est! horseradish.
(er"ed on a grilled 2attleship 2un. 4<.;;
Bubba Burger, ?eep/fried whole hog sausage topped with $hurch!
$heese, balone!, ma!o and pickles, ser"ed on loaf bread. 42.F2
Bib!e Be!t Buster, )hree fried A/o#. 2lessing 2urger patties la!ered
with $hurch! $heese, 3oodshed (auce, bacon, onion haloes and fried
green tomatoes. (er"ed on a grilled 2attleship 2un. 4>.F>
)rucker )reat, 2lessing 2urger +att!, $hurch! $heese, ham slab,
gooe! egg, hash browns, whole hog sausage, bacon, Calape1o and
3oodshed (auce, all on a grilled 2attleship 2un. 4>.>>
)e$as )ri!!ionaire, )wo grilled A o#. )op (irloin (Horse 7lank) 2urgers,
nestled on a 2attleship 2un, la!ered with 0ack $heese, a"ocadoes,
onion haloes, bacon, green chili, and =reen +astures (auce. 4>.6-
Sister B3IS)'. Burger: 2lessing 2urger +att!, 3oodshed (auce,
Onion Haloes, =reen chili, Hellfire (auce. *ll on a seeded bun. 42.6<
e!fare Bum Burger (our OD8' "egetarian option and our OD8'
E$ODO9' burger). 9ashed 3oodshed &anch 2eans mi.ed with (stale)
cracker crumbs, coated with ?i.ie ?e"il ?ip and boiled in (cottonseed) oil
till brown and crisp. )opped with Hellfire (auce and packed in (used)
newspaper to sa"e costs. 45.55
Green Pastures Burger, )wo 2lessing 2urger +atties piled high with
0ack $heese, Calape1o relish, a"ocadoes, pickles, =reen +asture (auce
and Onion Haloes, all on a High/&ise 7un 2un 42.;>
3itt!e Spanky /ea!, $hoice of fried 2lessing 2urger +att! or grilled -/
o# steak burger (horseburger) with $hurch! $heese, mustard and ketchup,
small fries and (ID/sational $ookie. $hoice of milk or (iss! (i#e (oda.
8ittle (pank! )o! included. 4<.2<
Choice of 3itt!e Spanky /ea! )oys:
Hole! +addle %e! $hain
9oosehead 9ack 9agic &ing
2ank of Hea"en Guarter
(hotgun +eanut (hells
3oodshed 3arrior *ction 7igure
?ipstick ?an &ace $ar
3all! the 3asp 3all (ticker
7l!ing (pankster )/(hirt +atch
((o !ou wonBt come back)
)he (!!2&ou2Can2'at Sissy Sa!ad bar: &ec!cled sprouts, corroded
carrots, tired trail mi., birdseed, fra!ing fruit cocktail, must! onions,
upchuck cheese, pooped peppers, limp lettuce, wrinkled peas, mush!
melon, petrified chili, !ellowed sour cream, curdled salad dressings in
crust! crocks. 4<.;;
Ladies’ Luncheon: Ladies’ Luncheon:
)he Skinny /innie: =rilled :/o#. )op (irloin (horse bell! filet), cottage
cheese, grilled chicken slab, bacon, lettuce and tomato, imitation
ma!o. (er"ed on a cellulose bun. 42.:6
#.I0KS 4 #'SS'.)S
/a!achi /i!kshake: 7inish it and itBs 7&EE >A/o# cream! (chemical)
treat 3HI++E? and )I)HE/d!ed with green +ra! +aint and $aramel
($ut/+rice) Sodas (palmed off as national brands),
(iss! (i#e 5-/o# 45.<A
Guick (wig, <2/o# 45.-5
2ig 2ucket, ->/o#. 42.2>
Horse )rough, ;F/o#. 42.:-
H pint milk A;E
Crabapp!e Cupcake: * sass! treat !ou can 2E*) with !our teeth.
2aked with crabapples fresh from 2rother 2obcatBs alle!wa!. 45.<2
-ried Persimmon Pie29ade from persimmons fresh from 2rother
2obcatBs bird sanctuar!. (waddled in a slab of lard pastr!, then deep
fried to a golden brown and slathered with 2@))/er icing. 45.>A
SI02sationa! Cookie/* ?EII8I(H delite * massi"e peanut butter
cookie shot through with cinnamon 22Bs, chocolate chunks and 2@))/
er! pralines. 45.>>
oodshed Padd!e, * whole foot of fun. 5/inch thick peanut brittle
board shot through with holes, with a taff! handle. =it !ore licks on
one end before !ou swaller it at the other end. 2e sure and sign it
before !ou eat it 'our dentist will thank !ou for ordering it 42.56
-ried -udge Sundae, ?ecadent 7udge boulders bur! a mountain of
2@))/er 2&I$%/le ice cream. De.t itBs wrapped in a big sugar! crepe.
)hen itBs all dipped in our own special 2obcat 2atter and Juick/fried (in
cottonseed oil), then !anked out before we flood it in chocolate s!rup. )hen
itBs buried under an a"alanche of 3HI++E? topping and a landslide of
pecan pralines rolled in powdered sugar. 4<.25
3ant moreK +eel two nanners and make it a 2anana (plit.
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