Title: Collected Prose Author: Andrew Barton Paterson

Australia for the Australians Hughey's Dog How I Shot The Policeman How Wild Horses Are Yarded My Various Schools The Downfall of Mulligan's His Masterpiece The History of a Jac aroo in Five Letters Victor Second The Cast-Iron Canvasser The Tug-of-War Our Ambassador or Sharp Practice on the Darling Concerning a Dog Fight The Merino Sheep Concerning a Steeplechase Rider White-When-He's-Wanted Bill and Jim Nearly Get Ta en Down Preparing for Premiers Review of Barcroft Boa e's Poems The Cycloon, Paddy Cahill and the G. R. Buffalo Shooting in Australia Bush Justice Polo A War Office in Trouble A Visit to Basutoland French's Cavalry and Their Wor Prince Alexander of Tec Our Federal Army and Its Cost The Bulloc An Informal Letter from London A Fighting General--Lord Methuen Thirsty Island The Late Lieutenant Morant Sitting in Judgment Pearling Industry at Thursday Island A Visit to Drought Land In the Cattle Country The Dog Gleanings of a Globe Trotter: A Day's Racing in France Gleanings of a Globe Trotter: The Coloured Alien The Cat The Dog--As a Sportsman Lord Milner Dr Morrison: A Notable Australian The Election Season The Amateur Gardener Macbreath The Oracle at the Races The Oracle in the Private Bar The Oracle in the Sanctum The Oracle in the Barber's Shop The Oracle at the Bowling Green The Oracle on Music and Singing







The Oracle at the Theatre The Oracle on Politics The Oracle on War and Debt The Oracle on the Capital Site Humours of a Horse Bazaar The Last of Sherloc Holmes Motoring to Melbourne Dan Fitzgerald Explains Done for the Double The Great War The Coo house A General Inspection In a Hospital J. F. Archibald: Great Australian Journalist Sha espeare on the Turf The Man Who Gave 'Em What They wanted

AUSTRALIA FOR THE AUSTRALIANS A political pamphlet, showing the necessity for land reform, combined with protection CHAPTER I IT IS of the greatest importance to every man amongst us that he should have some clear idea of what position he occupies in relation to other people, and that he should understand what it is that fixes his prospects, and circumstances in life. It is not too much to say that this is the most important question which any man can have to consider; but it is astonishing how few give any attention to such matters. On coming to years of discretion, each man adopts that trade, profession, or business to which circumstances seem to point: the cler goes to his des , the wor man to his tools, the architect to his plans, the lawyer to his boo s--each plods along to the day of his death, obtaining as well as may be the mar et value for his wor , but never enquiring how that mar et value is arrived at. The capitalist finds that interest on his money is obtainable at a certain rate, and he too grumbles that he cannot get larger interest on safe investments; but he never ma es any investigation into the causes which determine the rate of interest, and its rise or fall. The young man beginning life finds that there is "no good opening", but it never occurs to him to as why there is "no good opening"; he creeps into the first vacancy he can see, and adapts himself to circumstances. Every man is more or less a "politician", and will spout by the hour about free trade and protection, but men seem to treat political matters rather as abstract theories than as things of practical importance to themselves. The difference between free trade and protection, etc., is not the difference between one set of politicians and another; it is a question of which is the best for us as a community, and as individuals. It is the purpose of this pamphlet to present a brief summary of the principles which govern the prosperity of individuals and nations; and to show that there might be, amongst us Australians, much greater all-round individual prosperity and wealth than there is: that we might all be much better off than we are: that it is possible for men with willing hands and brains to obtain the means to live in comfort and comparative affluence, much more easily and certainly than can be done












now. Which desirable results can only be obtained by good laws. It may appear at first sight that this is a personal and selfish rather than a national matter, and that the title of this boo is hardly appropriate in such a connection; but the fact is that the only way to improve the welfare and prosperity of the country at large is to improve the individual welfare and prosperity of the inhabitants. To advance Australia we must advance the Australians, and the question of individual advancement is really the question of the greatest national importance. It may be said that we are already the most prosperous country in the world; that in no other place can a good living be got so easily and certainly as it can here. Even if we grant this, it does not prove that we are as prosperous as we might be, or as we have every right to expect to be. And when we come to loo into the matter we find that we are a very long way from any such happy state. It ought to be possible in a new country li e this for every man with a willing pair of hands to be always employed, and at good wages. There should be constant openings for our young men with brains and ability to ma e good incomes. Poverty and enforced idleness of willing men should be un nown. Yet we find the wor ing men constantly see ing employment in vain. There seem to be less and less openings or chances for the young men who are coming forward. In all the colonies an absurd proportion of the population is crowding into the towns. The professions are overcrowded. In the year 1888 New South Wales paid over one hundred thousand pounds for the support of men who could get nothing to do. The trouble is temporarily disposed of, but will certainly crop up again. It is a curious thing that in a partially settled country we find one colony paying over one hundred thousand pounds in a year towards charity wor s for those who can find nothing to do. Why should there be any unemployed at all? Surely there is wor enough to be done, land enough lying idle, desires enough to be satisfied. It is often alleged by people, especially of the "upper" classes, that our labouring population are a great deal too well off. "They are getting too independent altogether, these fellows with their eight hours and their holidays: the colony will never go ahead until we get cheap reliable labour." This idea is founded on a hideous ignorance of the most simple rules of political economy. Cheap labour means degradation of the community, and no country has ever been prosperous or happy by reason of labour being cheap; but the exact contrary has always been the case. High wages have everywhere and always meant prosperity, and low wages have always meant bad times. Let those who do not see the necessity for any change or questioning of the present arrangement of affairs ta e a night wal round the poorer quarters of any of our large colonial cities, and they will see such things as they will never forget. They will see vice and sin and misery in full development. They will see poor people herding in wretched little shanties, the tiny stuffy rooms fairly ree ing li e ovens with the heat of our tropical summer. I, the writer of this boo , at one time proposed, in search of novelty, to go and live for a space in one of the lower class lodging houses in Sydney, to see what life was li e under that aspect. I had "roughed it" in the bush a good deal. I had camped out with very little shelter and very little food. I had lived with the stoc men in their huts, on their fare, so I was not li ely to be dainty; but after one night's experience of that lodging I dared not try a second. To the frightful discomfort was added the serious danger of

















disease from the filthy surroundings and the unhealthy atmosphere. I fled. And yet what I, a strong man, dared not underta e for a wee , women and children have to go through from year's end to year's end. And there were places compared with which the one I tried was a paradise. Some say of course that all this misery is the fault of the people themselves; in some cases it is. There are people who would be hard up, no matter what chances they got; but there are a great many who, try as they may, cannot ma e any comfortable ind of a living. Do you, reader, believe that it is an inevitable law that in a wealthy country li e this we must have so much poverty? Do you not thin there must be something wrong somewhere? Of course people are much worse off in the older countries. God grant that we never will reach the awful state in which the poorer classes of England and the Continent now are. Are we not going in the same direction? That is the question which we have to consider. The same trouble is showing itself here which has come up everywhere. Instead of the position of the wor ing people improving at the same rate as the various appliances for getting a living are improved and perfected, we find a woeful deficiency. The improvement in productive power has been li e the speed of a racehorse, while the improvement in the position of the people who ought to be benefited thereby has been li e the speed of the mud turtle--if indeed any progress has been made at all. If it be a fact that there is no help for this, and that it is an absolute necessity that there should be unemployed and paupers, it is a serious matter for us all, because there is no hard and fast line dividing one class of wor men from another. All who wor , whether by hand or brain, are equally wor ing for their living, and if that living is becoming harder to get it is no jo e for us. We who have no pressing cares, loo with indifference on the hardships of poverty-stric en people; but it may be our turn next. It is a matter we should loo into. The accepted theory to explain all this is one which was started by a clergyman named Malthus. He said that people had to slave day and night, and women and little children had to suffer hunger and want because the earth would not produce enough to support its popu-lation. He said that just in the same way if a man ept on breeding sheep he would in time overstoc his run, so we human creatures tend to increase and multiply so rapidly that we would overstoc the earth, were it not that our numbers are ept down by starvation, disease, dirt, misery, and all the evil consequences which follow on and spring from poverty. Nine men out of every ten you meet subscribe unthin ingly to this theory. They will say if as ed, "There must always be poor people, because there isn't enough to go round." It is hard to see how anyone who believes in religion, who believes in a God of justice and mercy, can believe this theory--will for a moment believe that God puts people on the earth just to starve them off it again. This overpopulation theory, curiously enough, is accepted by a people to whom it certainly does not apply, and who never learnt it from Malthus. The howling blac savages of the interior of this continent are true Malthusians; they believe in applying a positive chec to the increase of population, so they operate in a crude but effective way on the female infants, and render them incapable of ever bearing children. They do this to relieve the pressure of population on subsistence, in a wonderfully fertile country where the population is about one nigger to the square league. In their view, the carrying power of the earth is limited to the number of wild duc s, tree grubs, lizards and sna es that






















spreading all over the country and hardly yet trodden by man. the rule is that man shall eat bread in the sweat of his brow. If it is the dream of a visionary. certainly. a ban note for a pound                                         . and the object of us all is to get the greatest possible amount of bread for the least possible amount of sweat. and that when we die we may leave a good name and a fair amount of money to our posterity. CHAPTER II IT MUST always be remembered that we are dealing here with the simple question whether we can. and the miles and thousands of miles of agricultural land. that the earth will grow cold and lifeless. because at some very remote period there may not be enough subsistence to eep everybody alive? We would indeed be chic en-hearted to give way to such opinion. We loo upon the object of life as being to get the best possible living.it will furnish. Having arrived at this conclusion. that it is not the laziness of man but the niggardliness of Nature which is to blame for the privations which they occasionally endure. or is li ely to have for the next few centuries. As Bastiat puts it. the wonderfully rich river flats. or get them by exchange from the older countries: if it is the dream of a visionary that in such a country every man might be comfortably off. and might get a living easily. and insult our enemies. and depart "over the border" with a decent share of good deeds to our credit in the great ledger. then God help the people of such a country. They deserve to have it ta en from them and given bac to the blac s. may ta e our leisure when we wish it. Are we going to give ourselves up as lost. and I suppose it could be proved that the earth will some day be overstoc ed--but all these things are a long way off. they lie on their bac s in the sun all day and curse Creation for not having provided them with more food. Whether this Malthusian theory be true or not is luc ily not a matter which we need consider. paper ma es just as good money as gold. it is very evident that pressure of population on subsistence has nothing whatever to do with our difficulties. be shown that the supplies of heat in the sun will in time give out. When we thin of the great rolling fertile plains of this continent. may help those in need. where we can grow anything we want and ma e all things we need for ourselves. patronise our friends. It can. that in a new country li e this. may go to the theatre on occasions. and to ma e no effort to put things straight. it is a medium of exchange. by any means. They endorse fully the sentiment of John Stuart Mill. We are not concerning ourselves with the theoretical or imaginative part of life at all. but money is only valuable for the things it will buy. We live and wor that we may have good clothes to wear. and will stop turning round and round. there can be no question but that our country will support all the population it has now. and with a large amount of leisure. good food to eat. may enjoy the luxuries of life. where we have the most fertile soil and the greatest natural resources of all inds. I believe. It is difficult to imagine a number of people so great that our country could not carry them. be enabled to ma e a better living. We estimate our wealth in money. We are simply investigating the supply and demand of bread and butter. It is generally alleged that these ideas of a better state of things are visionary and unrealisable.

but such as we have fixed at our own valuation. When we say. or gives something for a living. recreation and amusement. and as a matter of fact everyone except absolute paupers does something. which other men supply with food. about scarcity and overproduction. and is wor ed up by human labour into the shape in which we use it. if any. We hear about unproductive labourers. In the same way. What is an unproductive consumer? A mere mouth and belly. is produced by the earth in some crude form or other. the system of the thing. everyone helps in some way in the production of wealth. about producer and consumer. Once we can find the basis. but they help us so that we produce the more. by applying their labour. meaning not money. as a supernumerary and an unproductive consumer. all are doing their share in production of wealth. consumers. Manna does not drop from heaven in these days. are worth so many thousands a year--here are your wages. that no one gets a living for nothing. out of the produce of the earth. and put in proper shape. If we were all li e wor ing bulloc s. and how are they obtained? Everything which we have. actors and singers help us in our wor by lightening our minds and stirring up our mirth. is clear. Such share. and so on. there is no other wealth. There are men who do not actually ma e. We pay them their "wages". cut into shape. but articles of value. The next thing is to try and find out the system. however. where will we draw the line? Not until we have dispensed with everything except the                                           . everything seems mixed up. and we have higher needs than eating and drin ing. For instance. and there appears to be no system what-ever. Your services. we will have made a good start. But our natures are different from this. and if we see to weed out those whose labour might be dispensed with. and if we did we might loo upon people who wove sil fabrics as unproductive and wasters. we desire to have pretty things as well as merely useful ones. If we could do our wor without amusement. but they assist those who do. A carriage is simply a hic ory tree and other trees. We might all dress in moles ins and flannel shirts. Everything we have comes from the earth. we say. and bound together with iron ore which has been smelted and refined. then might we dispense with all "unproductive" labourers. holding them to have given us an equivalent. as we might easily get done at less cost. without recreation. and grass and water only. No one is an unproductive consumer. which machinery is also iron and other ores refined and prop-erly treated. There is no law whereby such people are maintained. protecting the people. that we wor for money. A suit of clothes is wool from the sheep twisted into shape by intricate machinery. so that we go on our way more cheerful and contented. apparently. through all classes of the people. we mean that we wor for the things which money will buy--for the desirable things of this life which we may lump under the name of "wealth". without pleasure to the eye and gratification of the senses. there is no other source of supply. The reader no doubt has been used to hear a good deal of tal about productive and unproductive labour. about supply and demand. Why? Because he does his share in the wor of eeping order. any tangible article of wealth.will buy just as much in any Australian city as a sovereign. Each does his share. who devoted his energies to any object other than the attainment of grass and water. One thing. on which we set to wor to ma e these things. we need rest. They themselves produce nothing. or desire to have. then we might well loo upon anyone. desiring grass and water. Now we have to consider: What are these desirable things. The Governor of the colony draws a salary. and managing the affairs of the State. they do not themselves produce any wealth. namely. perhaps. therefore.

Their object being to get the best living they can out of their country. then. We would expect that no one would be idle until every want was satisfied. but besides the men who get their living by their wor . so long as any other land wants our goods. We merely extend the meaning of wealth from necessary things to desirable things. it is the best possible system. The brainless English new chum who comes out here with five thousand pounds to invest does his share in the aggregate production by lending his capital. and all the raw products of our land. that such living can only be got out of the earth and its products. or by using using his own land. amply supplied with capital. To hear the current spea ers and read the current boo s on this subject. We can see. and the coarsest food. So long as there are bare bac s to clothe in the old country. Under such a system one should expect to get the best possible results. or they own capital and live on the interest of it. he gets it by wor ing his own money. minerals. it surely must pay us to go on exchanging with them. Land is plenty. or by or letting other people use it. if we were all to become anchorites. and still get a living: how do we classify these? We have said that there is no law whereby a man gets his living for nothing. labour. that we are all wor ing for the best living we can get. professions. ranging from those who directly till the soil and tend the herds up to the most elevated officials of government. and businesses. Capital is easily available for any productive enterprise. and the result is that many of us devote ourselves to labour that might be dispensed with. one "capi-talist". and that they were then turned loose into the world to war on one another. and there was nothing left to be done. he was earmar ed and branded by Providence. This is the object of wor . another "labourer". If this system were wor ed properly. and is willing and able to give us in exchange for them such things as we                                   . and we should not allow the intricate subdivision of labour to blind our eyes to the great central fundamental fact. namely. so long as they want leather. sending them the raw material and getting bac manufac-tured goods. one would thin that. is the system of our social life: We have.plainest clothes. If for it. and the troubles that continually come up are due to mista es. This. and the reader will find it very easy to define the position of the non-wor ers. that we are all wor ing for the desired wealth. There is no hard and fast distinction between different classes of men. There is (theoretically) no restriction whatever on the method in which they employ themselves. and the poorest shelter compatible with health. or letting other people use it. Production outside of them. therefore. This is not the right way to loo at it. there are some that don't wor . another "landlord". and is carried on by these three factors and by nothing a man gets a living at all. as each man came of age. or stored up wealth. being the simplest. and that we are all engaged. that all labour tends to the same end. they divide themselves into an infinity of trades. the Australians. more or less directly. the principle remains the same. Every man can go to the thing which he thin s will pay him best. and ignorance of the great social principles which govern such things. a nation possessing one of the finest countries in the world. They either own land and live on the rent of it. factors of production of wealth: land. These are the three capital. in obtaining and improving those products for our use. A civilised man does not choose to live under these conditions. of their own and older countries.

"this man is simply a Henry Georgeite. and trades in which employment is slac . that the grantees too the land from the Crown. cutting one another's throats to get employment. After reading his boo s. in every particular. these lands would become more and more valuable. objection to fee                                    . Adam Smith and John Stuart Mill. or would not. No provision was made for the fact that. at professions for which there is little demand. in dealing with our land. that is to say. for themselves. so much the less to import and use up and enjoy. their heirs. no doubt. as we all live by what the country produces. and still ma e a splendid living by "manufacturing. in that it enables some people to get a lot of benefit from the community to which they have no right. whereas we are not using half our natural opportunities. it means so much the less produce. firstly. It is a wonderful thing to me how so many people persist in loo ing upon Henry George as the discoverer of the evils of a system of fee simple tenure. When our forefathers arrived here there was any amount of land. therefore. says the reader. or only half occupied.. we ought to be able to get the best living that our capabilities will allow. What people call Henry Georgeism. and their assigns.e. I intend to show that when the land was granted away in fee simple. and yet we have about one-third of our population in Sydney and suburbs alone! They are crowding into the townships. free of any rent or payment to anyone. Where we have gone wrong was. and rich land is lying idle half a mile from towns where men are sitting idle. It was. the way in which our inhabitants are crowding into the towns is something appalling. We would call a man a fool who ran a station with one-third of his hands at boo eeping. and it discourages industry and prevents production. we could isolate ourselves if we li ed. to hold it for ever and ever.want. because no man will produce anything by cultivating land. or rather he with them. The present system is absurd and unjust. it surely should be possible for us all to get a good living by going to wor and exchanging with them. unless he nows that he will be secured in the enjoyment of what he produces." I certainly agree with his arguments against fee simple tenures. CHAPTER III OUR SYSTEM clearly does not wor as it ought. and to my astonishment I found that they agreed with George. There is no other side. thin ing that it was always a good thing to hear both sides of a question. but I do not agree in his remedy. To this extent. so much the less to export. They don't grow anything in the towns. most of them half their time idle. We have so much land. and its effects extend to us all. and so few people. and they started to grant it away wholesale to anyone that li ed to ta e it. they were bound to give security of tenure. We would thin a mine pretty well doomed where the overseers and clerical hands numbered nearly as many as the wor ing miners. It encourages men to hold land idle. If there is a bad season in the country. To anyone who understands the system of production. which has thus early shown its effects on us and our prosperity. i. and the way in which they granted it was on the English system of what is called "fee simple tenure". improving our own raw material for our own benefit." i. This wonderful preponderance of town labour is a thing which we may explain as we go on. But that is a very different thing from granting a man land in "fee simple". "Oh". as population increased. so much the less to employ town labour on. necessary to grant some sort of secure tenure. I too up the older writers. If they could not. a cruel mista e was made. Either way. exchange with us. They were parted with once and for all.e. Why is this? The towns can only live on the produce of the country.

in just exactly the same state as it was when Captain Coo brought his ships round there. Wal er. we see them constantly and do not feel that they exhibit any desire to "oppress the downtrodden labourer". and population gets denser. bold and rugged. I would li e to mention one matter--more harm than good is done by the energetic writers who persist in denouncing all landowners as "monopolists". Mr Wal er says: "I thin that radical land reform. to raise the real rent of land. When the community parted with these lands they got a few pounds only. is largely believed in. Almost all of this is in the same state as it was when Batman first settled on the place where Melbourne now is. The old saying." Adam Smith says: "I shall conclude this very long chapter with observing that every improvement in the circumstances of the society tends. John Stuart Mill says: "The plenty and cheapness of good land are the principal causes of the rapid prosperity of new colonies. The engrossing of land in effect destroys this plenty and cheapness. is a vast unimproved bloc of water frontage property. either directly or indirectly. T. What has given these proper-ties their value? Clearly not the labour and trouble of their owners. who see that the land reformers constantly denounce the landowners as monopolists. and readers. This sort of claptrap is largely tal ed in debating societies. as they are unimproved. let us try and suggest some reform. with due regard for vested interests. Land ownership in fee simple is a state of things which we ourselves have created. They have steadily increased in value ever since the settlements were founded. to increase the real wealth of the landlord. Landowners are not different from other people. are the true solution of labour and capital difficulties. Near Sydney. or the produce of the labour of other people. and extortioners. the demand for such land near the capital cities becomes greater and greater. as being a li ely site for a village. that he who has no case must abuse the other side.simple tenure in land. Every economist has supported it. grabbers. It carries sheep and nothing else. on the North Shore. "oppressors". The engrossing of uncultivated land besides is the greatest obstruction to its improvement. and valued at a million of money. Mr Wal er's opinion will carry weight with many men to whom the name of Adam Smith is as sounding brass or a tin ling cymbal. which was all they were worth. before the Economic Association. It is now worth hundreds of thousands of pounds. If we can show that a grave mista e has been made in our dealings with land. and by bac slum orators. of Sydney. and was not forced on us. near Melbourne is a vast freehold estate owned by one family. It was old before George was born. and co-operation. which frowns on the harbour. and so on. his power of purchasing the labour." I will add here a cutting from a paper read by Mr J. It only eeps thin ing people from going into the matter at all. is no new doctrine. Then the people set to wor to transform the howling bush into a                                     . The first objection is that the men who buy land in the early days of a settlement get a great deal of wealth to which they have no moral right." If the opinion of such men as Adam Smith and John Stuart Mill goes for anything the mista e is here: but before going further into this question. are very apt to believe that they do so because their own argu-ments are wea . because as a country gets more and more settled. but let us not go into hysterical abuse of those who have profited by the mista e. From Williamstown right down nearly to Geelong you travel through it. To illustrate what I mean.

these things are not the spontaneous fruits of the soil. We all now the bitter hatred between the tenants and their landlords. and on the ban s of the Hunter and Macleay. sure enough. These will all be cut up into farms some day and leased out. It loo s rather as if he "had the loan of us". building houses." "Out bac " you can. a house luxuriously furnished. but those of the community. It is all very well to point to dry waterless plains and say. "We can wait. and that they would in time ma e a handsome profit. Meanwhile the owners of these lands stood by and loo ed on. We should blame the rotten. England and Wales. go and ta e up some of this. The more the country goes ahead the more he prospers. and spends most of his time in England." they said. and the rich lands on the coast rivers. and hence if men who do not labour get them. the best lands we had. They are products of labour--can only be produced by labour. those who enjoy the advantage of using the pic ed lands of the colony should also enjoy the privilege of paying something to the community for it. they wor ed and wor ed. It may be said. As soon as we leave our cities with their pitiful little subdiv-isions and crowded buildings. He never did a day's wor in his life. extending the suburbs. That sort of thing will                                           . Writers who deal with the subject as it presents itself in older countries are very fond of denouncing the tyranny of the landlord over the tenant. a man who counts his fortune by hundreds of thousands. The injustice. neither do they fall from heaven. there is no need to ma e an outcry about it being granted away--you can get acres and acres out bac at the selection price. The country is too new for landlord and tenant disputes to have sprung up. free of rent. and then the fun will begin." But there is an almighty difference between such land as this. made solely out of the rise and rents of real estate near Sydney. Yet it is not fair to blame the man. Now. down about Illawarra. etc. and they saw that it was gradually going up in value.wealthy city. As the land gets more and more scarce. "We have plenty of land." To whom does the finest house about Sydney belong? It belongs to a man who inherited a huge fortune. as the unrefined say. ma ing railways and wharves. nor are they cast up by the sea. of the arrangement. We will have all the things which ma e life in Ireland so enjoyable--plenty of good landlord shooting then. as Henry George says. but we will have them. "There is land--plenty of it--what are you complaining about the land system for? If you want land. while thousands of his fellow countrymen have to toil and pinch and contrive to get a living. and left the present generation the wilderness. "When a man ma es a fortune out of a rise in land value. not out of their own exertions. in fee simple. it means that he can have fine clothes. At present the far bac land has little value except what the owners add to it. and yet can have every luxury. not only in Ireland. and the less he need do. we can run in the train through miles and miles of freehold estates all belonging to individual owners. costly food. They were paying no rent for the land. it must be at the expense of those who do labour. We are creating the largest landed proprietors yet nown--men who count their freehold acres by the hundred thousand. They should never have allowed any absolute ownership free of rent to be acquired in land. the stupidity. but every day there is less and less available land worth ta ing up. It is evident that once all the available land gets into the hands of owners. consists in the fact that our immediate predecessors granted away for ever and ever. they added to the value of all lands about there. The reader must remember that. but every day the words "out bac " mean further and further out. but in Scotland. This phase of the matter has not yet forced itself upon our community to any extent. they have the rest of us at their mercy. absurd system which ma es such a thing possible.

As to the question of discouraging improvements. Every unfortunate selector who is driven out on to the Macquarie and the Bogan to ta e up the dry plain. that men should be able to get such a lot of the colony's products for land which was increased in value by the State. are ris ing their money. and to thin that it is owing to the labour of these men and such as these that the owners of Sydney are living luxuriously. It is on the success of such men as these that city men live. is the only one that encour-ages improvements. "If you ma e the tenure of land subject to a rent. of what is practically absolute ownership. Our present system is direct encouragement to the owners to hold land idle and wait for a rise. it is astonishing how far this loc ing-up system prevails.come here some day--the poverty and all. When we hear of George Street property fetching a thousand pounds per foot. "How prosperous the country must be! What wonderful advances we are ma ing! A few years ago it could have been bought for a hundred pounds an acre!" What we ought to say is. with no comforts. It is said that the people who buy land when it is worth little. no hopes nor aspirations beyond ma ing a decent living. and hold on to it till it rises in value. or spending the large values which they never did a hand's turn to earn or deserve. The thing has ta en a great hold in this colony.                                           . paling fences instead of walls. It is too great a certainty that land will rise in any fertile unsettled country. no leisure. There is one stoc argument which seems to go down with a lot of people. while land is lying idle on the rich river flats all over the colony. so that they surely ought to be allowed to profit if it rises. The community on the other hand ma e a very small profit if the land falls in value after it is sold. The man who buys runs a very small ris . but the man who can ma e a rise out of a railway being made to his property. unless we mend our system." But a very little thought will show them that this is erroneous. To anyone who understands the matter. What fools we are to allow it to go on!" That is what we ought to say. and great deterioration will set in. and wait for an increase in value. "What a dreadful handicap on the colony it is. striving day after day on their little properties. We will have wooden houses instead of stone. It is only when the owner realises that he can only add to the value of his land by ma ing improvements that improvements will be made in real earnest. Under the present system it generally pays better not to improve. It is only when we get rid of this increase in value through no good deed of the owner." say they. and they ma e a huge loss if it rises. Nearly every country town in New South Wales is cursed by the proximity of some large estate which can neither be bought nor leased. many people are under the impression that our present system. improvements cost money. As to the loc ing-up of land. and the cleverest man is not the man who can use a bit of land and ma e something out of it. it is a cruel thing to see the settlers in the interior of our colony. and that if the land falls in value they lose. travelling between this colony and England. there will be no money spent on the land. is wor ing at a dead loss to himself and the community. "or to any restrictions. and has the chance of a huge profit. drawing large rentals. Every day's wor done on bad land while better land is lying idle is done at so much loss. no improvements made. Any man who has tried his hand at building and laying out a garden nows that in nine cases out of ten it would have paid him better to let the land be idle. Thin of the loss to the community caused by this. For city properties the evil is intensified. that we will get proper increase in value by way of improvements. we say. The answer to this is that we should never have to go into the ris at all.

We have created a land-grabbing mania--an earth hunger. which loo s well on paper but carries little weight. I expect most of my readers only wish that their forefathers had secured a few acres about Sydney at the time when they could be bought for a eg of rum. they say." At least. and yet not one of them ever did one-millionth part of the harm which this has done.Land which was bought for a pound an acre has often risen in value to twenty thousand pounds per acre by the exertions of the community. in which the investor is pretty certain to win. if he calculated up the interest on her price. We have prohibited all other lotteries. ta e all the annual value except enough to induce the land owners to collect it. and the owner has reaped the benefit. a dead man's will can override the needs of the living. This is the thing which cries aloud for a reform. Where we ought to have spent money in irrigation we have spent it in building tramways and bridges. Land buying in the early stage of a settlement is a ind of lottery. and where the fortunate men profit at the expense of their fellow men. Their descendants need do very little wor now. they possess in fee simple over one-half the alienated lands of New South Wales. If a man bought a mare for a hundred pounds and never rode her or bred from her. This is a rotten argument. except for improvements. There is another argument sometimes advanced. in useless courthouses. This is where we want to ma e a reform. Our land system is bad: it drives the men into the cities. and our lands are mortgaged up to the hilt. unused land. "Resume all the land again without paying compensation. not to loo at. not for once but for all time.. whether needed for taxation or not (Progress and Poverty). because he has lost interest on his money. If a man li es to loc up his capital in unproductive. and such li e city wor s. it causes good land to be loc ed up. other people would have to wor for them. and not merely for themselves but for their descendants. whereas he would really get nothing for so old an animal. which add nothing to the productive power of the country. and they adopted it. expect to get for her several thousands of pounds. Fancy that. the purchase money has been spent in wasteful extravagance in public build-ings. In the same way let the owners use the land if they want interest. etc. The land is handed over to him to use. it enables a man to say by his will that for twenty-one years after his death no one shall use his land. it enables some men to live at the expense of others. and so get a return for his money year by year. The way was open to them. he is entitled to profit by any advance in its value. which will pay his interest. If he uses the land he can get a return for it. in one-horse country towns. To buy the land they have had to borrow largely from English capital. He would ride her and breed from her. It is argued that if a man pays money for land and lets the land lie idle. CHAPTER IV WHAT SHAPE must our reform ta e? The followers of Henry George say. Five hundred and fifty-two persons in a population of over a million own upwards of seventeen million acres of freehold. There is no sense in abusing the men who have ta en advantage of this state of affairs. but to go on to ta e all the annual value. This is too                                     . Squatters have been forced to buy where they would rather have ta en a good lease on secure tenure. nor would he expect it. it is his own fault. They purpose not only to ma e land pay all taxes. by the time she was twenty years of age he would.

the men to whom it was originally granted. except in some few cases. and enable them to mortgage their holdings to get an advance of money to aid in improvements. they have themselves created by improvements and labour. a dislocation of industry and security to attempt any sudden method. whatever value their lands have. unimproved. How can we do all this? First of all as to country lands--these are the productive lands of the community. our whole credit system is founded on those fee simple tenures. and see that any rise in them is reaped by the State.sudden a remedy altogether. and if we ta e the matter in hand at once. more than to their own property. Almost any farmer in this colony would cheerfully sell out if you would pay him in full for all his improvements. It would be too great a jar. and above all. the ban s have accepted the money of the community. if adopted. we must stop. would ma e things very nice for our posterity. To put straight the tenure of country lands. We cannot fairly resume the lands which we have sold. There is farm land on the Hunter worth. The present holders have paid well for it in many cases. and have advanced it on security of these tenures. The men who own this sort of land have got a large rise in values for which they never wor ed. We cannot touch the values already accrued. They have got no "unearned increment" of value at the expense of the public. but would leave us in a bad way. because. and not to loo at. The great eynote of the reform must be to let men hold lands to use. there will be little difficulty in dealing with these. one hundred pounds per acre. of course. and leave us without anything in its place. We don't hear of a farmer ma ing a hundred thousand pounds by the construction of a railway to his farm. We must conform to the tendency of the times to concentration. not by "holding for a rise". but what we want to do is to find out the present unimproved values. but all the community ever got for it was one or two pounds per acre. If the owners li e to let them lie idle they must pay for the privilege. for instance. except enough to induce the owner to collect it". His plan. has a value over and above the improvements--such land as the Hunter River Valley. and the original purchase money of his land. let him do it by legitimate improvements. The generality of country owners would lose nothing by any reform. and whereby all value created by the State will go to the State. Some farm land. The men who own the land now are not. Henry George wants to burst up the present system on which all our credit and business is founded. we cannot fairly ta e "all the annual return. the traffic ing in lands. but we hear of speculators and syndicates dealing in Sydney property doing it often enough. even though we got but small money for them. and beyond all. We must secure to every man the benefit of his labours. If we have any sense we will see that the State gets the benefit of all rises. and they are in the same position as owners of city property. and so far as is needful for that purpose we must give the holders secure tenure. and allow good large areas to be occupied. We must try and devise some means whereby the productive lands of the country shall be available for use by individuals. under the most favourable circumstances for themselves and for the community. we must devise some means whereby no one can hold land idle and unproductive while others are anxious to use it. and to allow them to sell out to others should they desire it. once and for ever. I would ma e every land                           . The farmers have been wor ing at their farms to add value to city property. if a man wants to ma e money out of land.

or until they li ed to sell out. There would be a demand for labour of all sorts. The speculation in land would thus be done away with. and they would put it in use. but loo after any future value. carrying sheep. as now. rob the colony of thousands and thousands of pounds by simply raising their rents. if they li ed to combine together. Any bushman can tell hundreds of cases where rich land is loc ed up in the big freehold runs. and let it be clearly understood that the owner would reap no benefit from any advance on that value. Such value as he li ed to add by improve-ments he would be welcome to. while miserable selectors are trying to get a living on stony ridges. That would be reaped by the State. The prosperity of the country would at once go ahead. because there must be some jar. And the immense increase in aggregate production that would result would give us all a fresh start. and become his landlord at a rent to be assessed. and under the present system we must pay the owners of Sydney what price they li e for the use of their land. for instance (and there are not such a great many of them) could. The business of the colony must be carried on in Sydney. We would thus resume control of the lands. because every owner would now that if he valued too high he would find himself taxed on that value.owner send in a valuation of his land without improvements. no value above the original purchase money. but their lands should be revalued once in every five years and a fresh rent imposed. Let it be optional for the State to pay him or his mortgagees the unimproved value. employ professional men. and prices all round would fall in consequence. The owner would be driven to improve or to let others onto it who would improve it. The town values of lands I would deal with in much the same way. and he would not be able to get much more than the original unimproved valuation. This rich land would be made to pay a proportionate taxation. People would be able to buy things. It is no use saying we can do it without any jar. and the result will be that prices for city land will reach their true level. and he would thereby be encouraged to ma e improvements and discouraged from holding land idle. or else let the State put a tax on him calculated on the excess of his valuation over the original price which he gave. We have given them this vast power. and we cannot ta e it away by any means which will be unfelt. Their holdings would pay no rent to spea of. by the owner's own valuation. Owners of rich land would see that nothing would be gained by holding onto it idle. because every five years such valuation would be overhauled and rectified. Fix the present value without improve-ments. Once the owners saw that they would ma e no profit by holding their land idle. having. instead of being. The present absurdly high value of land must be brought down somehow. and prosperity of the country would mean prosperity of the towns. The present owners of Sydney. and meet their bills more regularly than they can now. There is no second Sydney to go to. and the existing credit system would not be disturbed. the rent would ma e him use it. This plan wor s very well in Japan. His improvements he could at any time get full value for. his improvements to remain his own property. a lot of it would be brought into the mar et. The owners could hold for ever and ever. This plan would greatly help all small farmers and settlers. The tremendous lot of unimproved land about Sydney. encouraged to hold it idle and discouraged from improving. without improvements. which is patiently waiting for a rise is something wonderful. Go up into the Post Office                                 . We would thus get a true valuation. because no man would be able to hold land as a speculation. its present value would be fixed so that the owner could never ma e anything by a rise in it. I thin the fairest way is to do as I have suggested--don't interfere with the present values.

it is advisable to let them come in free. These things are not curses but blessings. but will simply be passed on by the landlords to the tenants. if not mended. Once the owners get to now that no further advance is possible. It is rather feeble to tal about being overwhelmed with foreign boots. The last time a land tax was proposed this was provided for in all leases. it will upset all existing arrangements. but all of it worth according to present values from a thousand pounds per foot down to three pounds per foot. or to get them from other countries where they can be produced cheaper. says in his Economic Sophisms: "Why are men attached to the system of protection?" "Because as liberty (of exchange) enables them to obtain the same result with less labour. If they only ma e it a light tax it will have no effect. this apparent diminution of employment frightens                             . and that before very long. will hit us li e a club. is simply whether it is better for a community such as ours to exchange its raw materials for the manufactures of other countries. and to point out in detail its bearings on the different inds of properties. I am quite aware that it is little use arguing and pointing out a thing which is not severely felt--the average Englishman feels nothing unless it hits him with the force of a club. the inhabitants of Sydney will not have to levy such a heavy tax on their country brethren as they have been doing. There is no antagonism between true land reform and protection. for what reason I now not.tower and loo round. when you come to the bedroc of it. Any change in the fiscal policy will mean only a change in distribution. The gentlemen who advocate the single tax theory meet the gentlemen who advocate protection in deadly combat on public platforms. to pay the colossal rents of city properties. this fee simple ownership. It is quite clear that the stoc protectionist arguments hardly put the matter properly. we may as well try and get at the principles of it. and see how it affects us and our prosperity. We wear boots and clothes. or to tax its own people and so create manufactures. viz. For the present we are all agog over our fiscal policy. The question between free trade and protection. CHAPTER V THERE HAS sprung up. it will add but little to production of wealth. they will begin to use this land. Well. and when all this unimproved land comes into the mar et. the great free trade authority. and burst up the present system. as I propose to show. and inundated with cotton material. the question is whether it is better to ma e these things for ourselves. They are compelling landowners to hand over their land to tenants who wish to use it. This is the great reform which must come sooner or later. It has hit them that way in the old country. You will see hundreds of acres of land. an impression that land reform and protection are diametrically opposed. Bastiat. The single tax men forget that if they ma e their tax as heavy as George wishes. as it is at present the burning question. exactly in the state in which Captain Coo found it. a confiscation tax. They support each other and should go together. I propose some day to go more fully into this land question.. Nevertheless. because our own people can go to something else more profitable. The free trade theory is that so long as any foreign country will furnish us with manufactured goods cheaper than our own people will ma e them.

and can turn out manufactured articles cheaper than lower wage countries. They have a huge home mar et. as a nation grew out of the infancy stage its surplus capital would. no doubt. so that they can gain all the advantages derived from doing things on a big scale. Both those artificers and manufacturers. Adam Smith said that they would grow up naturally. their chances of going to something else are lessening every day." "To what?" "That I cannot specify. It sounds rather well for them to tal about fair competition with the world! The fact is that where labour is high no manufactures can stand without protection. they will soon disprove this fallacy that the more a man is paid for his wor . and he quotes the Americans as a proof.them. If any coachbuilder here were to try and ma e buggies of the same quality as the Abbott or Fleming buggies. When those lower wage countries get the same machinery as the Americans (and this they are doing every day). owing to our land tenure system. because of their immense start in machinery and scientific now-ledge. They can compete with foreign labour because of their huge home mar et. and where he could sell one they could sell a hundred. because the people can go to something else. The bigger the mar et." "Why?" "Because if the sum of satisfactions which the country at present enjoys could be obtained at one-tenth less labour. nor can his goods go in without paying a tax. they cannot hope to compete with the underpaid labourers of the Continent and England.." That is the whole theory of free trade. So long as they try to eep up their wages. the less expensive his wor is. The mar et for these things is not yet oversupplied. they ought to be able to go out into the bush and grow wool and dig up the minerals." Again: "As long as a man has wants to satisfy and time at his disposal. the cheaper can the articles be sold. crowding into our cities eager for a job of wor . he said. and the land is not yet exhausted. but. The true reason of the American success is simply that they have a huge local mar et secured to them by protection." "Why do you say apparent?" "Because all labour saved can be applied to something else. The Americans have got a start of the world in machinery. One man would desire to be better clothed. it is no use for the free traders to say that there is no need to foster manufactures. he would promptly go smash.e. Henry George. i. another better fed. no one could enumerate the new enjoyments which men would desire to obtain from the labour left disposable. there is always something to be done. that wherever wages are highest production is cheapest. and it is exactly on this point that in practice the free trade arguments brea down. and because they are protected heavily against foreign competition both of goods and labour--no unemployed foreigner can land in America without paying a tax. to maintain a high standard of living. another better amused. nor is there any need to specify it. So long as there are unemployed or only partially employed men. finding at home the materials (in                           . "naturally turn itself to the employment of artificers and manufacturers at home". Something else! Our people ought to be able to go to something else. another better educated. They can't get anything else to go to. in his Protection and Free Trade lays down a doctrine which amounts to this.

all devote our attention to wool growing and farming. or half employed. But is it a fitting destiny for such a nation as ours that we should have no higher objects than to grow wool and reap corn? Are we to have no arts nor manufactures? These things will only grow by protection. we can never expect them to manufacture things for us at the same rate of pay as the foreign ma ers get. might immediately. almost the sole basis for Henry George's boo . even with less s ill. We can of course. it is idle to tal about the economic value of their labour and to say that they need not manufacture. With all our best land available. It is for the free traders to say to what else they should go. or any other mar et. Free Trade and Protection. for instance. We can see pretty clearly the reason why these men are unemployed: the bad land tenure system is the reason of it. and which formed. but the old. The trusts and monopolies whereby labourers are robbed. be able to wor as cheap as inhabitants of mercantile states at a distance (say England). by reason of our superior natural advantages. even though we have the iron here. we might command the mar ets of the world for raw material. We cannot compete with German iron goods. in this paragraph. They only hold their own by degrading their labour to the starvation point. a thing which we are loath to do. and if we do this. capital) necessary for their wor . They might not be able to compete at first.our case say wool and corn). Smith. and which grow up under protection. but in time they would be able to compete. We have now the best of the wool trade. until our labourers li e to come down to wor ing fourteen hours a day. and enable some of our people to start manufactures. at any rate) to find something to do. old question then comes up--are we going to pauperise our labour in the strife for the world's mar ets? It must be remembered that our object is to put our wor ing classes on a higher footing than they now stand. the country will inevitably go for protection. This question of free trade and protection is purely a wages question. and to "jostle" them out of our own. and be able to "jostle" the manufacturing country out of the local mar ets. we are bound (for the present. overloo s the fact that labour will not reduce its wages sufficiently to compete with "mercantile" states. But the great wages question he has overloo ed. I thin protection is the correct policy. and I say deliberately that such a proceeding is right. so that as these latter grow up we can create a system of exchange over which we have control. The English operatives can beat our local cloth factories in our own mar ets. He says that by this means any landed country will in time manufacture and carry too.e. although the wool has to be carried there and handled by hosts of people. we must reduce our labourers accordingly. are not the fault of the system.. as they can go to something else. It is better for us to ma e for ourselves a local mar et. We can exchange our products for those of other countries. Our own farmers and wool growers will have a certain                                             . While we have men unemployed. Failing an answer to this question. and the subsistence (i. so far as I can see. We cannot export wheat to compete with America. These is no question what protection is: it simply means ta ing out of the poc ets of certain of the community a sum of money for the benefit of the others. But even when tenures are put right. and brought bac here made up. If we could get men at English wages we would soon beat them. It is better to lay a tax on the exporting producers. two things in which. but the South American supplies are catching on us. even as the Americans have done. but of the way it is administered. because they would not have such good machinery. with no holidays.

should be our policy: Reform our land tenure. We will. by our population growing down in their standard of living. 1889 HUGHEY'S DOG A Station S etch HUGHEY WAS butcher on the station. and go in for artesian water. and as soon as we get all the colonies under one government and under a proper land system. and it will pay us better to put some of our people on to manufactures and art. so that we may give our industries a start on some other basis than that of cheap labour." No. and he'll                             . then we will now that everyone has a fair chance. they say that they cannot compete with the splendid land which the Victorian farmers enjoy. get a dog as can fight. even when dividing our labour as I propose. This. all such land will pay an additional rent to the State. Here is the gist of the whole matter. and his soul yearned for a dog. and the man that has the advantage of using it will have the privilege of paying for it. also. but he wanted something special. of course. then.mar et with their own manufacturers. and as the super was going to Sydney. Hughey commissioned him to buy him a dog. At present our farmers out in the bac country are clamouring for protection against Victorian products. There is no doubt that there are quite enough of us to get a good living. and get the land system in each on a proper basis. once we get all the colonies under one Government. Every other country almost has done the same thing. it would be a different matter. When we get a proper land system. but I have yet to learn that that is an evil. We must always eep in view that our object is the greatest good for the greatest number. and reform our tariff. under one set of laws. and life need not be such a very "root-hog-or-die" proceeding as it now is. instead of having to compete with auction sold goods sent out here in huge batches. Published by Gordon & Gotch. There are plenty of ways of spending Government money besides building the North Shore bridge." he said. I don't put no value on pedigree--I don't want no pedigree. "It is the maxim of every prudent master of a family never to attempt to ma e at home what it will cost him more to ma e than to buy. "Buy a dog. while better land is lying idle near the towns. "as can fight. We can start irrigation wor s. We can afford to amuse ourselves a little. Dogs there were about in plenty. and as soon as we get any surplus labour we must give it a chance. amass a huge revenue of Government. This will be better than letting our manufactures grow up. and the manufacturers will have a certain mar et with their country people. Adam Smith says. and made by starving wretches wor ing fifteen hours a day. rather than to go on being "a country where they grow wool". I want a dog. That is one of the beauties of our present land system. so that we may get the best possible use out of our lands. They say that the cost of carriage prevents them having a chance. but if he has to eep some of his family doing nothing. and also buying the thing. But we cannot long devote ourselves entirely to wool growing and farming. even at a loss. than submit to the loss of eeping the family idle. that men have to go three or four hundred miles inland to ma e a homestead. If all the world were one country. it is better to ma e the article. One question is much debated--should trade be free between the colonies? Certainly.

Apply Bushman's Hotel. He "counted out" every dog in the place the first two days he was there. and then getting Stumpy out to the full length of his chain. combined with his powerful jaws.." he said. Hughey's dog was always trotted out to maintain the honour of the station. A most exciting struggle would ensue. "an' in corse if you want a dawg to fight. After the first two days not a dog dared heave in sight while Hughey's dog was ta ing a wal . a truculent ruffian with mil -white s in and bloodshot eyes. which duly arrived among us and was installed as Hughey's dog. and whenever he managed to slip his collar or brea the chain there would be a procession of dogs ma ing full speed for the river. Once they got to the river they were safe. The hospitable Stumpy would drag with might and main to get his guest within the reach of his chain." Wherefore there appeared shortly in a Sydney paper. of course. he and the landlord had to get up on the table to obtain anything li e an unprejudiced view of the competitors. with Stumpy after them ic ing the dust up in hot pursuit.fill the bill. one a villainous-loo ing half-bred devil. But the previous dog owners new him and apparently recognised that they and their canines were in the presence of a master. he fought two rounds with the bulloc driver's dog. by whose noble proportions the soul of the landlord was much gratified. Hughey thought it was best to tie him up." So the super explained that that was just what he did want." Next morning the men with dogs commenced to roll up. heavy-jawed head. Stumpy was chained up by a fairly long chain. and giving him a fair hold of the visiting dog's tail. which he invariably did with a vengeance. fairly long and light in the legs." they said. big round the ribs. When the super went down and admitted them into the bar parlour. "to see which is the best dawg?" This proposal would have been promptly acceded to but for the arrival of another man with a dog--a big brown dog with a coarse. and he became the purchaser of the brown animal. because the gentleman in charge of him said he thought the best way to decide was "to let the two dawgs 'ave a go in. but being himself of the pugilistic persuasion. His great activity. having only one thing in common--they each and all loo ed as if they would tear a man's leg off on the slightest pretext. And he could fight. to see which is the best dawg". Long. "Suppose me an' you has a go in. They soon weeded them down to two. as he was an indifferent swimmer and would not ta e to the water. he tied his dog to the leg of a table and advanced on the other man with his fists up. He chased the angaroo dogs away up the paddoc . at once. and a ind of exhibition used to be given on a Sunday for the benefit of visitors. "'Ere's 'Arrison's dawg. sizes. The dogs were of all sorts. made him a Czar among ty es. a dog as can fight. one that new Stumpy's prowess for choice. and colours. was evidently the better in a fight. As he had no tail Hughey. and the frenzied excitement in his face as he felt the other                                                 . in the somewhat inaccurate grammar of the super: "WANTED. The other dog. and as he was intercepted in hot pursuit of the boss's favourite collie. Soon his fame spread far and wide. Whenever any traveller or teamster came along with a dog that he fancied could fight. gaw y. however. and the entertainment consisted of ta ing a dog. christened him "Stumpy". This made him worse. The one-eyed nobleman who represented the bulldog saw that his dog would have no chance in a fight. and would have illed him only for the arrival of the bulloc y with the whip.. cornstal youths used to ride miles to see him. evidently as active as a cat and hard as nails. and the other a pure-bred bulldog of undeniable quality.

fair. The men's coo was a big Dutchman. recaptured and the affair was started fresh. As they drew near the sheep yard it became evident something was wrong. and the howling had abruptly ceased. scaring the sheep in the yard. grey expanse of the plain lay open and clear almost as day when the men slipped down to the bac to let Stumpy go. and he dashed madly off into the moonlight in the direction of the howling dingoes. Sometimes he turned and confronted Stumpy. Stumpy came in for the lion's share of the waste meat. when Hughey noc ed up the muzzle of the weapon. The carbine was handed to one of the blac fellows. If Stumpy got a fair hold. They ran on until out of breath. and on any second appearance they would devote all their energies to pulling away. past Stumpy. one of them carrying an old carbine. and as the party ran up he got a clear view of the marauder in the yard worrying a struggling ewe. They waited awhile and whistled and called. a noted shot. rushing in all directions to escape some foe. and the big. and he had poured boiling water on Stumpy on the only occasion when the latter visited the itchen: so it was not to be wondered at that when the coo wal ed rather carelessly. Sometimes the tail was bitten through by Stumpy. Hughey used to ill the sheep for eating. the sheep were "ringing" wildly. and stirring up the deuce generally. and the men followed at a run." said Hughey. They let him go. It was bright moonlight. After this he was tied up at night and only occasionally let loose in the daytime. and when they got down there he was. breathing murder and dog's meat. They soon lost sight of Stumpy in the dim distance. because if Stumpy missed his spring the other dog would probably dash away out of reach. so they tramped off home. if possible. the game was stopped and the dog released.dog's tail slipping out of his teeth was awful to witness. That amiable animal. and perhaps swaggeringly. and nothing in sight on the plain but the clumps of saltbush. you see. straining at the collar so hard that he nearly cho ed. Stumpy. They rec oned this dingo business would be right into his hand. but nothing came. and of course. there's a dingo in the yard. and on these occasions the dog was. and it was with breathless interest the assembled crowd would watch Stumpy nerving himself for this critical rush. "Lord help the dingo as Stumpy gets hold on!" gasped out Hughey as they ran along. The blac fellow put the carbine to his shoulder and was just going to let drive. This was a most exciting moment. "Don't fire. had illed his dog. and praying that their tails would brea ." And so it was. there was no sound of dog or dingo. once was more than enough. "I rec on they'd better ta e to the river if they want to eep their hides outside their gizzards. when he would suddenly release the tail and ma e a spring for the dog's nec . "I expect he's follerin' them away into the scrub. Stumpy went after him                                                     . had come bac to give the sheep a turn. and square. One night some dingoes came howling round the homestead. "By Jove. a half-witted chap who occasionally went religion-mad. frightening the cows and calves and small dogs. who was devouring some sheep's liver." said another. and between him and Stumpy there was a vendetta. but no dog ever did that more than once. shorten his hold on the tail in a wor manli e manner until he got him right up close to him. "it's Stumpy. and on one of these excursions an event happened which sealed his fate." said Hughey. The other dog meanwhile industriously scratched gravel to get away. when they pulled up and listened: a dead silence reigned. and they rushed up at the double. If Stumpy pulled the dog into his reach he used to drag him bac into the centre of the circle covered by his chain. finding that he could not catch the dingoes. ma ing the fowls cac le and the coc s crow." he said.

"your tam tog vas pite me!" "What do I care!" responded Hughey. laid it on the chopping bloc and too off the cover. Then he found out why it was so light. "it is all in de agreement. The men had to coo their own brea fast. but again he smiled that curious smile as he replied. s inned. The latter got into a lunatic asylum and spends his days in asserting that the Prince of Wales meanly cut him out of the affections of Alexandra. 2 November 1889                                         and the said "You leave     .and bit him severely. and in the contemplation of that romantic matter he has forgotten all about Hughey's dog. are under agreement to give a certain amount of notice--you can't all at once. "He seems to have ta en my dog. He as ed for the boss." he said. "I vill shoot a bossum--a big one. but he never came across the coo again. and much to the boss's astonishment he meant to leave next morning." Then Hughey went off to the meat house to get the sheep he had illed on the previous day. and ornamented in true butcher fashion. In the place of the sheep there lay. Hughey swore an oath of vengeance. As he too it down he noticed that it felt strangely light. to whom he (the mad butcher) was engaged to be married. the coo announced his intention of going out to shoot some possums. "I can't see him anywhere. who was putting the ornamental touches on the ribs of the dead sheep by cutting patterns with his nife. but he carried it to the itchen. and wal ed on. and had gone forth to do his "preaching to the peoples" for fear of the consequences. De stars is gettin' very close togedder and I haf a heap of preachin' to do--as soon as dem stars gets togedder de vorld vill be purnt up and I must go and preach to the beeples. A couple of shots were heard down by the river. wrapped round by a white cover just as he had left it. "the sooner he goes the better." responded the Dutchman slowly." Then he set forth into the night with all the dogs in the place accompanying him. "Hughey. "I suppose it won't poison him--did he swaller the piece?" The Dutch coo loo ed at Hughey in a curious way." "Off his nanny again." said the boss. but I must go. The Bulletin. Late that night when the episode was forgotten." thought the boss. soon the Dutchman came bac and put the gun away. "Don't shoot yourself!" was the only advice he got." "Vell. The Dutchman had shot him and butchered him the previous night. and then they went down to the house to see if the boss new anything of the coo 's disappearance. There it hung. and the men heard him pac ing and rolling things at all hours of the night. then he went out again and quiet reigned. dressed. and he learned that he had given notice. and went off to house." So the coo returned to the hut." groaned Hughey. the corpse of Stumpy. which annoyed them greatly. "You can't leave. Next morning he was gone. The coo went to Hughey.

and if he saw any lights burning late in the houses. so that I could rush out and get it the moment I heard him: and I calculated to give him the hardest noc he ever had. Then I would leave my boo s. to explain. It was an unfortnit haccident. He threw up his hands and fell li e a dead man. and when the proprietor came out he would say. The astute reader will. rattle" down at the gate. It was the policeman. It is useless to try and set out half the things that flashed through my brain as I rushed downstairs. He became very crafty too. Do you happen to have a little whis y in the                                                       . sir! I was just seeing that the gate was fast! Very dry night. I heard the jury bring in a verdict of guilty with a strong recommendation to mercy. and a little wind was blowing. I saw myself at the criminal court with Judge Windeyer trying me. he used to rattle at the gates to see that the fastenings were all right. as I shall proceed to explain. If he had no excuse to go in. and would clear out li e lightning the moment he heard anyone stirring in the house. But the system one night resulted in serious damage to the constable himself. and an unlimited capacity for ta ing things "easy". of course. as people recom-mended to mercy always perish on the scaffold in Australia. I watched with eagerness as he slowly came round. Next time he happened to be loose he would play the same game. and an asteris to show the position of the murderer when he hurled the bloodthirsty dumb-bell. having reached the prostrate form of the blue-bottle. grasped the dumb-bell and let it go with terrific force right at a dim object just looming through the pitchy dar ness. I saw my portrait--that of a dreadful-loo ing ruffian--in the Town and Country Journal--and then. I drew a long breath. have divined that it was not the old grey horse this time. squat. I rushed to his assistance. In my mind's eye I saw myself before the coroner's jury. Tired of this ind of thing. it's all right. Suddenly I heard a faint "rattle. He could lift the gate catch with his nose. "Oh. sir!" And this generally ended in a liquid and spirituous manner. slipped noiselessly into the balcony. "All right. into which an old grey horse that belonged to an Irishman up the village was constantly straying down the road and ma ing his way. I saw a blotched diagram of the locality published in the daily papers with a cross to mar the spot where the policeman fell. he would have been a tall man had Providence not turned round so much of his legs to ma e his feet. He listened for a while and then he said. if it had hit him anywhere else it would have illed him. The night wore on and midnight approached: it was dar as the inside of a cow. He used to "mooch" about the village at night. fat. and many a time in the stilly night I used to hear him rattling at it trying to get the gate open. I one night prepared a little surprise for him. I got a two-pound dumb-bell. and I new that meant hanging for certain. laid it ready in the balcony overloo ing the gate. as soon as he was conscious I began to apologise. and he very often was rewarded with a stiff drin of whis y. With tender care I bathed his alabaster brow. he would casually loo in to see that nothing was amiss. The two-pound iron dumb-bell had struc him fair on the temple. Then I went bac to the boo s and read on. Banjo.HOW I SHOT THE POLICEMAN HE WAS a short. and pretend to be very vigilant and on the alert. in front of the house was a small garden. so that it became a most difficult matter to land a roc on him at all. bald-headed officer with a een instinct for whis y. and sally out and drive him away with language and blue metal. I was reading for an examination and burning the midnight oil. I lifted him in my arms and ascertained that he still lived. to grovel.

after a desperately run ten miles or so across rough country. Sometimes a lot of quiet horses. and when to let them go and when to wheel them. as it is called in the bush. by a dashing bit of riding. According to this usually excellent authority on field sports. The Bulletin. always ma ing instinctively for the roc iest and scrubbiest places. If they fail to sha e off their pursuers they carry on across country to some other haunt. The wild horses are a great nuisance to stoc owners. and he has to wal home and carry his saddle. or fate may indly enable him to wheel the whole lot into the jaws of a trap yard. or else rush them into a trap yard. and gather them and drive them into the yard. or. and charge under the stoc whips and away to the mountains again. gave him a substantial Christmas box and sent him on his way as good as new. because valuable animals constantly stray away and join them. and the wild ones are driven into them. and to have it maligned in this way by the leading English authority is rather hard. They form into mobs. and nothing but desperate riding and great good fortune will get them bac . The stoc men try to cut them off from these refuges. wild horse hunting. but he must not flatter himself                                                 . and then all the young colonials in the district will be after the mob. with long V-shaped wings running out for a mile or more into the bush. their only tactics being to "go at them from the jump". they must now the country well. in which case he fills the whole district with his brag for months to come.house? My tongue is dry enough to stri e matches on. and try and run them down. he may "cut out" the horse he wants from the mob. are left in a li ely place. in season and out of season. title. But to "run horses" properly four or five splendidly mounted men are required. and must now in what direction the mob will run. "running bush horses". I believe you could shoot him with dumb-bells every night in the wee on the same terms. Very often the owner sells his right. which always eep together. When startled they race away to the fastnesses of some favourite range. These are strongly built yards. and interest in an escaped animal for a few pounds. the pursuer's horse noc s up. and a short account of it may be interesting." I loaded him up with whis y. and each mob attaches itself to a special piece of country. This is very good fun while it lasts. and steer clear of them. and the buyer will probably brea down three or four good horses trying to yard his purchase. is the grandest sport nown in Australia. but the horses soon get to now where they are. Now. but generally they rush out as soon as they get their wind. and to wheel them into more open country. But it must be remembered that very few Australians now how it is done. The wild horses are not indigenous but are descendants of animals that escaped from the early settlers. riding their horses' heads off. Sometimes a reward is offered. called "tailers". An outsider can see the sport to perfection if he is a good bush rider. Sometimes. but the usual result is that. 4 January 1890 HOW WILD HORSES ARE YARDED IN THE latest volume of the Badminton Library of Sports there is a description of the way in which wild horses are yarded in Australia. the stoc men simply ta e a promenade up the nearest big plain and "circle round" the various wild mobs. If the wild mob have had a severe gruelling they will stay with the quiet horses. and the whole lot can be yarded together.

After a while his whip rings out sharply a few times. perhaps for miles.that he is any use unless he nows the country. where they ran wild. and has no time to choose his ground. some quite exhausted. bloody with spurring. begin to drop out. but they had such speed and endur-ance that any man who could yard them thoroughly earned his reward. the stoc man driving his horse along with the spurs over the most awful places. After a few miles the wea er horses in the wild mob. The man in charge of the "tailers". because there is no chance of a chec . but it means that they have been headed off from one refuge and must now ma e for another. In the Yass district many years ago a gentleman had a stud of Timor ponies. over all sorts of country. and hardly able to raise a canter. the rough country. they are straight-shouldered and badly-ribbed up. others carrying their saddles. comes out and ta es the mob in hand. These stri e off by themselves. beaten and downcast. the gallop at length dropping to a swaying canter and then to a trot. After the first mad rush they drop to a steady swinging gallop. beautiful little animals. The stoc horses love the sport. and the mob are safely yarded and left for the night. the stoc men saving their horses as much as possible. more and more drop out. jogs sullenly along. the mares and foals. The man who has got through the run from end to end is a hero. A short respite is given. and the novice has to come along. If he can hold his own. These ponies and their descendants were well worth yarding. or rather his horse is. and is guided towards where the "tailers" have been placed. The others eep going. the mob wheel away reluctantly. They buc li e demons. cantering or trotting slowly while the main body sweeps on. It will readily be understood that although stoc owners are very glad to see the wild mobs yarded. and going parallel with the mob. and the severe gruellings they get soon tell on all but those                                                                 . For the first twenty minutes or so the race is apt to be very merry. and become absolutely frantic with excitement when they hear the rush and rattle of feet of a wild mob. Soon one of the stoc men may be seen flitting through the trees. some leading their horses. and the stoc men plying whip and spur manage to head them off. and another man moves forward and sounds his whip. The desperate pace. and then there is a gallant set-to. and once among the quiet horses they are glad enough to stay there. Now and again a good one turns up. these stand still and come in for a savage cut or two of the whip as the pursuers come by. It is the grandest sport one can imagine flying along through the open bush after a mob of wild horses. while the stoc men straggle up. and stri e off again. and when the diggings bro e out in Victoria he too the whole lot over and sold them to the diggers at big prices. but great numbers of them got away and made their way home again to their native district. The diggers used them for racing. and so on. Then comes the final charge of the mob. riding for dear life. when they raise a staggering canter to ma e for some particular point. Then a start is made for home. They settle down again and run in a straight line. apparently. still they have an intense disli e to ris ing their own valuable horses after them. but it is terribly severe wor on them. The wild horses are never much use. and anyone losing sight of the mob is out of it for the day. usually the descendant of some animal not long escaped. As the pace begins to tell. and the mob swerves a little from their course--not much. He is the man who is deputed to ta e the first turn out of them. for he must at all hazards eep pace with them. and the mob. and others will have noc ed up altogether and dropped out of the running. Then it is time for the next wheel. some will have been crippled by the rough country. and they never have any courage in captivity. By this time the stoc horses are in a pitiable condition. hearing the whips in the distance. Sometimes the mob ma e a determined effort to race past him. very li ely ma ing bac to their original point.

I thought I could mend this state of things. for a few months. Written c. Ryan?" Ryan gasped. it had colour of probability at first. also of a small public school to which I crept unwillingly. and so forth. "What ma es you late. he has all the ingredients of as fine a day's sport as anyone could wish to ta e part in. get brea fast. his jaw dropped. catch my pony. li e weird columns Egyptian. from huts and selections and homesteads far and near. As their parents were largely engaged in loo ing after horses. I lived on a station four miles from the school. They had one standard excuse whenever they were late: "Father sent me after 'orses". Some old warriors there are who have come safe and sound through numberless runs. However. and be in school by half-past nine o'cloc . I thin Australian boys who have never been at school in the bush have lost something for which town life can never compensate. and ride him down to the house barebac ed. 1890 MY VARIOUS SCHOOLS IN WRITING about schools which I have at different periods attended. and what little I do remember is unpleasant. or anything of the sort. I pass these over because I don't remember much about them. but after a time it wore out and they were too lazy or too stupid to invent anything to replace it. having so far to come. the old familiar                                             . They didn't garnish it with a "Sir". so one day. And hieroglyph strange. notted trun s Eucalyptian Seem carved. when a lot were late. With curious device. When the gnarl'd. another was to have been sent on an errand to the store eeper's and been delayed by the cler . but day after day every boy that was late handed in the same unvarnished statement. another was to have been misled as to the time by the sun getting up unusually late (not one in fifty had a cloc in their house). Then came the first of my confederates. and a flying mob to go after.of a cast-iron constitution. had gathered there. his eyes rolled. I will pass over my infantile experience of an old dame's school in a suburb of Sydney. I was privileged and licensed to be late myself. where I mingled with the bush youngsters who. so I simply wal ed in hurriedly as though I had done my best to arrive early and went to my seat. and had to go up paddoc every morning on foot. ride the four miles. when comes The still silent change. They were a curious lot. One was to have forgotten his boo and gone bac for it. li e a snail. at the bac of the Never Never. having a particularly vigorous and cultivated imagination. and then out it came. I supplied each of them with a different excuse. if you now where that is. The first school which I attended in the capacity of a reasoning human creature was a public school in a tired little township away out in the bush. and if a man can get one of these. and too his caning as a matter of course. let me get on to the school. quaint inscription. a few good mates. Many a time in the warm summer mornings have I seen the wonderful glories of a bush sunrise. When all fire-flushed the forest trees redden On slopes of the range. Perhaps their most stri ing characteristic was their absolute want of originality. mostly other people's.

they had devices for getting out of "handers" such as we had never dreamt of. not in the least. The visit of the inspector used to be a great event in the school. brought out the same old story. my inventive talent was wasted upon such people. telling lies. as they faced the music. and by the time the inspector had toiled up the long hill to the school. they had a fluency in excuse and a fertility in falsehood which we could admire but never emulate. but none of us had ever seen resin. Well do I remember the policeman. and when the inspector as ed us questions in arithmetic. I gave them up after that. and his wife abused the policeman heartily. but practically. The townsfol shortened up even this brief nomenclature --they used simply to say that so-and-so "had 'em" or "had got 'em". one by one. They were dealt out on a regular scale. "Handers" were blows on the palm of the hand. and how they did wa e it up! Sharp. so to spea . not being able to answer a question. etc. a little spitfire of a man about five feet nothing. Sometimes fierce. cunning little imps. the master used to wal absent-mindedly behind him and hold up his fingers to indicate the correct answer. but to our disgust he submitted very quietly and was bundled into a cart and driven off to the                           . late at school. The school was in a very cold climate. so one's dreams of revenge were never realised. I believe. and perhaps the "handers" didn't sting at all on a cold frosty morning! Oh no. The sergeant and the teacher surrounded him. We used to sit with open mouths and bulging eyes. when the inspector was in the town. they had travelled and shifted about all over the colony. he was a nice pedagogue! In writing of a school. snorting old Irishwomen used to come to the school and give the master some first-class Billingsgate for having laid on the "handers" too forcibly or too frequently on the hardened palm of her particular Patsy or Denny. while the dreaded pedagogue cowered before the shrill and fluent abuse of these ladies. but in our vocabulary as "the horrors" or "the jumps". administered with a stout cane. except the "handers" which formed. nown to science. Oh. one on each hand." It was second nature to the boy. The teacher did not li e the job at all. pawing the air with his hands. one ought to say something about the lessons. etc. Sometimes their parents the navvies used to go on prolonged drin ing bouts. that boy was bac in his seat and every youngster was studying for dear life. three on each hand. And all the others. for the boys at any rate.. but I remember absolutely nothing of the curriculum. coming to the school and stating that a huge navvy named Cornish Jac had "got 'em". and too two cuts of the cane on each hand as per usual. the children of the navvies came to the school. the one absorbing interest of each day. two on each hand. as their threats and taunts used to be distinctly audible as they faded away down the dusty hill. When the railway came to the town. as "delirium tremens". and to drop on the master promiscuous-li e. and he called upon the schoolmaster in the Queen's name to come and assist him to arrest "Cornish Jac ". and we marched through the town till we discovered the quarry seated on a log.formula--"Father sent me after 'orses. and contract a disease. and so catch the school unprepared. Theoretically the inspector was supposed to come unheralded. and was wandering about the town with them. They always had the last word. in fact the last hundred or more words. according to the offence. We used to have wild theories that if you put resin on the palm of your hand the cane would split into a thousand pieces and cut the master's hand severely. the master always had a boy stationed on the fence to give warning of his approach. but it ended in the whole school going.

very evenly matched. But I thin the Editor would have to get out an enlarged edltion of the Sydneian if I opened the floodgates of my memory about the grammar school. farewell. swerved off. It was continued on from four o'cloc till after five. The colt ran away with him and came sweeping down the hill at a racing pace. nobody wore spurs in school. His people were Irish fol and the intense. as he chooses. except it be that it is better to let boys have boxing gloves and encourage                                           . a sic ening round of lessons and washing. Nobody ever "had 'em". The boy departed. so one has simply to write that which comes easiest. but the fact is that the Editor stubbornly refuses to pay for contributions. bitter sadness of their grief was something terrible. but he firmly declined to entertain either proposal. was undeniably of modern origin. jumping fallen logs and stones. Let us draw a veil over it. and hurry on to the grammar school. Such incidents as these formed brea s in the monotony of school life and helped to enlarge our nowledge of human nature. but at length he raced straight at a huge log. in those days we came out at half-past twelve and went in again at two. and that the name Maloney. so I fall bac once more on reminiscences. a young half-bro en colt. so I. Also we were ruled by moral suasion instead of "handers". advised our man to "hold him up and job him". nobody was ever sent after horses. and getting faster and faster every moment. though having a distinctly Gree sound. and suddenly. and had to wear good clothes instead of hobnailed boots and moles ins in which my late schoolmates invariably appeared. or a Gree play on the tragic death of Maloney's Fenian Cat. and let the Editor ta e it or not. There was not wanting some occasional element of sadness too. I offered for a trifling consideration of ten guineas or so to write a Latin poem on the great boat race between Beach and Hanlan. MORE REMINISCENCES I AM afraid that the numerous and intelligent readers of the Sydneian must be getting rather tired of reminiscences from my pen. and even after he could not stri e a blow without great pain to himself he went doggedly on. and some other choice youths who were seconding the winner. I remember one day all the boys were playing at the foot of a long hill covered with fallen timber. it was after school hours and one of the boys was given a bridle by his father and told to catch a horse that was feeding in hobbles on the top of the hill and bring him down. which he did and so won the fight. Very little of interest occurred there. Fights for instance: I remember one fight that lasted all one dinner hour. The boy rode him well. I left the bush school soon after that. he said the word "Tom i" couldn't possibly be wor ed into a Latin poem.loc -up. His head was crushed in and he was dead before we got up to him. For instance. He got so exhausted that he ept falling down and thereby avoiding punishment. and resumed next day at nine and finished at twenty minutes past. nothing loath. The boys were both doctors' sons. The one that lost owed his defeat to his hands giving way. a thing that I appreciated highly. I don't now where the moral comes in exactly. and went to a private school in the suburbs of Sydney: a nice quiet institution where we were all young gentlemen. throwing the boy with terrific force among the big limbs. most of the boys learnt dancing and some could play the piano. and boy-li e mounted him barebac ed and started to ride him down. and caught the animal. and both game to the bac bone. instead of jumping it. so for the present.

and raise the cry. One day a boy named Fyffe. he was always ready to fight anybody. and then came down. There on all fours under the des was this boy. There were no prefects in those days. would wander about the playground in a casual sort of way. The master sternly inquired what was going on. amid the jeers of his late associates. or colour. The way this pleasant game came to an end was as follows. he ept going till they were straggled out behind him in a long panting string. hit each of them an awful blow on the head with his open hand. it was very rarely that either of them could manage to drop out of the seat without us noticing. A herd of boys (I suppose herd is the correct term to apply to a number of youths hailing from the lower forms of the school)--this herd. rolled him over. so he declined the combat. he thought it was another fraud and stopped away. having stal ed his quarry in a masterly manner. "What are you doing here?" "Nothing." "What is your object? What did you come for? Why are you                                                           . and two boys would ma e believe to belt each other with great fury. any size. he ran. and all loo ing at one particular part of the room. and the crowd after him. one of us would glide silently out of the seat. Of course this was great for the rest of the class. and the sergeant would charge down to stop the bloody fray. Sometimes they managed it when we were tal ing. however. and wallarooing was abandoned as a degraded institution. only to be received with yells of derision. of course ma ing as little noise as possible. and they used to watch the stal ing with een interest. found his courage had oozed out of him somehow (a thorough good span in the eye will generally pacify the most belligerent person). hit them each such a span that our form master heard the thud and loo ed around. hesitated a moment. being always eager to see a fight. I remember one fatal day that my comrade. We used to get up bogus fights. Then they ran the fugitive down. that two of us. but. and I don't now how this one lasted so long. He found all the boys on the broad grin. Then for a brief and glorious instant he would rear himself up behind them. We used to ma e single-handed excursions against them in the following manner. and a smothered chuc le from the enemy. and then they stal ed on us li e red Indians are supposed to do. estab-lished a vendetta against two boys who sat in the second row from the front. I remember. sitting as they did in front of us. I say. The fic le crowd. as when he heard the whooping of the partisans and the cheering. who sat in the second row from the bac . The sergeant mostly stopped all fights. goodness nows. good with his fists and fleet of foot. and then he suddenly wheeled around and hit the leader such a beauty in the eye. at once stopped the chase. stuffed his mouth full of grass. One great pastime in the winter was "wallarooing". as they are the surest thing to eep fights down. too off his boots and hurled them to the four winds of heaven. By this means we sometimes brought off a genuine fight under his very nose. even eager. They used to do the same thing to us whenever they got the chance. While the master was writing on the blac board and had his bac turned to the class. was selected as the victim. and the first we new of it was an awful thud on the head. in form 3A. and stipulated that Fyffe should fight the boy he had struc . generally a quiet and inoffensive youth. and finally left him and went for a new victim. hiding behind two other boys. besides giving lessons in coolness. He was quite agreeable. The boy who got hit. bloc ed his hat as flat as a plate.their use. nay. where in fact my partner was crouched. sir. "Wallaroo him". got no answer. which was often enough. self-reliance and good temper. and the ring-leaders would single out some boy. and then glide bac as silently as he came. drop on all fours and crawl round the des s up behind the unsuspecting foe. weight.

He thought it was some form of religious observance. When the sports of Paddy's Flat unearthed a phenomenal runner in the shape of a blac fellow called Frying-Pan Joe. They intended to ma e a fortune out of the Sydney people before they came bac . they as ed the priest whether he would ta e a hand. and then bac ing the bird. and they made a match and won all the Paddy's Flat money with ridiculous ease." "You must have had some reason for coming here?" "No. It was a dar and inexplicable mystery to him. sir. by the simple yet ingenious method of slipping blan cartridges into his gun when he wasn't loo ing. and the sportsmen thought they would be neglecting their opportunities if they did not try and "get a bit to go on with" from him. also they new several dead certainties for the races. Just as the train was departing a priest came running on to the platform. and they all had that indefinite loo of infinite wisdom and conscious superiority which belongs only to those who now something about horseflesh. the Mulligan contingent immediately too the trouble to discover a blac fellow of their own. He didn't even punish the boy. They were always winning maiden plates with horses which were shrewdly suspected to be old and well-tried performers in disguise. a man who could ill eight pigeons out of nine at thirty yards. and he left it alone. and the general consensus of opinion was that they were a very "fly" crowd at Mulligan's. in a melodious brogue. 1890 THE DOWNFALL OF MULLIGAN'S THE SPORTING men of Mulligan's were an exceedingly nowing lot: in fact. then their blac fellow turned out to be a well. but                                                                         ." The master gave it up in despair. they would go to immense trouble to wor off a small swindle in a sporting line. and if you went there you wanted to " eep your eyes s inned" or they'd "have" you over a threepenny bit. There were races at Sydney one Christmas. They had "ta en down" the sporting men of the adjoining town in a variety of ways. they had obtained the name amongst their neighbours of being a little bit too nowing. sir. perhaps. and away they went. while the silence was unbro en except by the rattle of the train. and a chosen and select band of the Mulligan sportsmen were going down to them. at cards and such things they were perfect adepts. His Reverence was hot and perspiring. They had a man who could fight. Anyhow I wouldn't advise the present generation to try it on.grovelling about on the floor instead of being in your seat?" "I don't now.nown Sydney performer. There was a young squatter in the carriage who loo ed as if he might be induced to lose a few pounds. May-August. having just won a lot of money from a young Englishman at pigeon shooting. "What game d'ye play?" he as ed. the door was slammed to. and was bundled by the porters into the carriage where our Mulligan friends were. a man who could ma e a brea of fifty or so at billiards if he tried. they could all drin . He agreed to play. and just as a matter of courtesy. They new a great many things which they never learnt at a Sunday school. They explained that any game was equally acceptable to them. and for a few minutes he mopped himself with a hand erchief. After a while one of the Mulligan fraternity got out a pac of cards and proposed a game to while away the time. and their admirers who came to see them off only as ed them as a favour to leave money enough among the Sydney crowd to ma e it worth while for another detachment to go down later on. The Sydneian. They were in high feather. a man who could be bac ed to jump five feet ten.

let him come on to Sydney and play for double the sta es. All the others were out of poc et. with many expressions of regret at having robbed them of their money. Oi'll go on to the next station so as ye can have revinge.." he said. the "old man"--"The Daddy. When he was dealt a good hand he invariably bac ed it well." The priest heard the remar and turned quic ly round. and I don't li e going away with yer money. "Ah! and I suppose ye'll be betting with these boo ma ers--bettin' on the horses." Then they lifted a light port-manteau onto their nees to ma e a table. They said that they were. which luc ily was undetected. and the play went on in earnest. He had won something rather more than they li ed." The boys from Mulligan's listened with a bored air and rec oned that by the time they parted the priest would have learnt that they were well able to loo after them-selves. one of the Mulligan's fraternity said in a stage whisper. this was part of the plan to lead them on to the plunge. he ept raising the sta e little by little until the priest                                                                                                   . Then he began with assumed hesitation to bet on his hand. to manipulate the hands so as to get bac his winnings and let him go. Nothing very sensational resulted from the first few deals. and seemed to now a lot about the game. They neared the station where the priest was to get out. but the priest was the only winner.they thought it right to add that they generally played for money. He's a sin poc et. The man of religion seemed to have the Devil's own luc . and what a magnificent yarn they would have to tell about how they roo ed the priest on the way down. and laughingly promising full revenge next time. Play on. "Be ye going to the races?" he enquired." as they put it--decided to ma e a big plunge and get all the money bac on one hand. His Reverence played with great dash. and won't give us our revenge now. and the leader of the party. and the priest and the young squatter won slightly. and if he had a bad one he would not ris anything. The sports grew painfully anxious as they saw him getting further and further ahead of them. an' if that's yer tal . grabbed his cards and waded in. They went steadily on with the game. Oi'll go on wid yez and play ye fer double sta es from here to the other side of glory. I wouldn't bet much if I was ye. The gamblers saw that something decisive must be done. If he can come this far. will yez! They do be terrible nowing men. "If ye go bettin' ye will be too in with these boo ma ers. they tell me. and the signal was passed round to "put the cross on"--i. The squatter was the biggest loser so far as they had got. Things loo ed rosy for the Mulligan's boys and they chuc led as they thought how soon they were ma ing a beginning.e. these boo ma ers. He half rose and then he said: "Bedad. "Bedad. He rose to leave them. consequently when they drew up at the station he still had a few pounds of their money. so I can't lose a fortune. almost the best hand at po er." sez he--"Oi'll ta e a hand bedad--I'm only going about fifty miles. and five of them--three of the Mulligan's crowd and the two strangers--started to have a little game of po er." Then he sat down again. Just as he was opening the door of the carriage. and the priest began to as questions of the others. By a dexterous manipulation of the cards. "I thought that was how it would be. prattling away and jo ing all the time li e a big schoolboy. and on this deal the priest chose not to ris anything and stood out. he dealt himself four ings. "Shure an' it don't matter for wanst in a way. The priest ept on winning steadily. The others felt that a crisis was at hand and settled down to play in a dead silence. with an affable smile. now! Do yez thin men are mice because they eat cheese? It isn't one of the Ryans would be fearing to give any man his revenge!" He snorted defiance at them. Po er is a game at which a man need not ris much unless he feels inclined. and when they arrived at the second station he was in poc et a good round sum.

000 acres of freehold land and shear 250. He had been for many years pioneering in the Northern Territory.exclaimed. They wal ed to the fence and loo ed over. The Mulligan fraternity felt a cheerful certainty that the "old man" had made everything secure. no. Then he said. they were saved--he surely couldn't beat four ings. except someone from the same locality. plying their trades. confidence men. they mutually lie in support of each other. doing a job of shearing here or a turn at horse brea ing there. and through the opening they could see him distinctly--a three-card man--doing a great business and showing wonderful dexterity with the pasteboard. but the next lot will hesitate about playing cards with strangers in the train. they are not fools enough to cut down quotations and spoil the mar et. The Bulletin. pea-and-thimble men. There is still enough money in Sydney to ma e it worthwhile for another detachment of nowing sportsmen to come down from that city. The priest went on doggedly raising the sta e in response to his antagonist's chal-lenges until it had attained huge dimensions. and these again pale their ineffectual fires before the glory of the Northern Territory man who has all corners on toast. They borrowed a bit of money in Sydney and found themselves in the saddling paddoc in a half-dazed condition trying to realise what had happened to them. the Mulligan boys let a big sigh of relief escape them. 28 February 1891 HIS MASTERPIECE "GREENHIDE BILLY" was a stoc man on a Clarence River cattle station and admittedly the biggest liar in the district. the other side of the sundown--a regular "furthest-out man"--and this assured his repu-tation among station hands who award ran according to amount of experience. This was the downfall of Mulligan's. loo with reverence on the Riverine or Macquarie River shearers who come in with tales of runs where they have 300. however.000 sheep. because no one can contradict him or chec his figures.                                                     . In the tumult of voices they heard one which seemed familiar. After a while suspicion became certainty. The others had dropped out of the game and watched with painful interest the sta e grow and grow. The "old man" with great gravity laid down his four ings. They could hear his voice distinctly. who had cleaned them out. that's high enough. so ye are!" and immediately started raising it on his part. "Sure yez are trying to bluff. Then the priest laid down four aces and scooped the pool. Young men who have always hung around the home localities. During the afternoon they were up at the end of the lawn near the Leger stand. "Pop it down. I'll bet half-a-sovereign no one here can find the nave!" Then the crowd parted a little. "Sure. gents! Pop it down! If you don't put down a bric you can't pic up a castle! I'll bet no one here can find the nave of hearts out of these three cards. the small boo ma ers. and they loo ed upon themselves as mercifully delivered from a very unpleasant situation. When two such meet. and from that enclosure they could hear the babel of tongues. and they new that it was the voice of Father Ryan. and this is what he was saying. and ma e all other bushmen feel mean and pitiful and inexperienced." and he put into the pool sufficient to entitle him to see his opponent's hand. The sportsmen of Mulligan's never quite new how they got out to Randwic to the races.

li e it might be here. and you now what that is. he had seen blac fellows who could jump at least three inches higher than anyone else had ever seen a blac fellow jump. and then by stirrin' about he eeps the others restless. stump. There was no time to hunt up materials for the inquest. better country. Billy--how big are the properties? How many acres had you in the place you were on?" "Acres be d---d!" Billy would scornfully reply. and they made one wild. after a while they dropped                                                                                   . and I dug into the old stoc horse with the spurs. It was brigalow. But one night when the rain was on the roof. letting him pic his way through the scrub in the pitchy dar ness. faster horses. I pic ed up a firestic out of the fire and flung it at the possum. Billy had seen bigger droughts. You could hear them roaring and their hoofs thundering and the scrub smashing three or four miles off. and sent him as hard as he could leg it through the scrub to get the lead of the cattle and steady them. and the men were gathered round the fire in the hut smo ing and staring at the coals. and every bushman has seen or personally nown a blac fellow who could jump over six feet. Whoop! Before you could say 'Jac Robertson' that thousand head of cattle were on their feet. dropped my head on his mane. not inches. The rest of the men were in the camp fast asleep. and was startled." (Billy always started his stories with some paralysing bush names. and it was wet and dar and thundering. and got in front. and I was sitting by my fire holding my horse and drowsing.Sometimes a youngster would timidly as Greenhide Billy about the (to him) terra incognita: "What sort of a place is it. This went on for about four miles. You now how the brigalow grows. I was half asleep I suppose. They had been scared once or twice and stamped. never thin ing what I was doing. they rec oned the rainfall in the Territory by yards. I had to eep those cattle together. wild mountain-bred wretches. they'd charge you on sight. They cleared a trac a quarter of a mile wide. There was one or two one-eyed cattle among 'em. and that close together a dog can't open his mouth to bar in 'em. with a small bit of a fire. and you now how a one-eyed beast always eeps movin' away from the mob. Every now and again I'd get on my horse and prowl round the cattle quiet li e. and I was on one side of the cattle. and cleverer dogs than any other man on the Clarence River. then the cattle began to get winded. and then began to crac the whip and sing out." continued Bill. he was right opposite on the other side of the cattle. "I was drovin' with cattle from Mungrybanbone to old Corlett's station on the Buc atowndown River.) "We had a thousand head of store cattle. and they were that handy with their horns they could s ewer a mosquito. It was my watch. mad rush right over the place where poor old Barcoo Jim was sleeping. fatter cattle. and my mate. Billy turned himself loose and gave us his masterpiece. "saplings about as thic as a man's arm. dashed the spurs into the old horse. so I sprang into the saddle. And where was I? I was racing parallel with the cattle with my head down on the horse's nec . and it loo ed li e a real bad night for us. and smashed every stic . "hear him tal ing about acres! D'ye thin we were blan ed coc atoo selectors? Out there we rec on country by the hundred miles." Furthermore. and the river was rising with a moaning sound. You orter say. and gave us all we could do to eep them together. so as to steady them a little. headlong. Barcoo Jim. when all of a sudden a blessed possum ran out from some saplings and scratched up a little tree right alongside me. and they seemed to be settled down all right. po in' away out to the edge of them so as they won't git on his blind side. and sapling on it. according to Billy. and he had gone to sleep under a log. 'How many thousand miles of country?' and then I'd understand you. Well. anyhow. those cattle swept through that scrub levelling it li e as if it had been cleared for a railway line.

ribs torn." said Billy. to let this statement soa well into their systems. Billy. I s'pose your clothes was pretty well tore off your bac with the scrub?" "Never touched a twig. he made them warmer and stronger. His motto was." Then the men noc ed the ashes out of their pipes and went to bed." said one of the men at last.                                                                   . because a few bro en-legged ones I had to leave. "that your mate didn't come after you and give you a hand to steady the cattle." said Billy. and his nec was so short you could sit far bac on him and pull his ears. "Ah!" faltered the enquirer. and every beast of that herd too the log in his stride and just missed landing on Barcoo Jimmy by about four inches. and as soon as the daylight bro e I too 'em bac to the camp--that is. "It's a wonder you wasn't illed. as you might say!" The men waited a while and smo ed. and if anyone chose to remar on them." "Well." Billy paused in his narrative. "he was the worst horse in the camp. by way of compromise. and terrible aw ward in the scrub he was. "That was a wonderful bit of ridin' you done. perhaps it was. but they were all there. to tone down the awful strength of the yarn. he gave Billy best. "only that there was a bigger wonder than that at the bac of it. And how I wasn't illed in the scrub. and not hit you against anything. and I ept the whip going." Here that interrogator retired hurt. and absolutely flattened out the intruder. Billy? I s'pose he was trampled to a mummy!" "No. at last one rallied and had a final try to get a suggestion in somewhere. "It's a wonder. Billy. "No surrender"." he said. "then no doubt you had a real ringin' good stoc horse that could ta e you through a scrub li e that full split in the dar . goodness only nows. when these cattle rushed they swept over that log a thousand strong." said Billy decisively. I told you he was sleeping under the shelter of a little log. legs bro en. for a man couldn't ride in the daylight where I did in the dar . and there I rode round and round 'em all night till daylight. He new that some suggestions would be made. and he prepared himself accord-ingly. all that could travel. a thousand head of cattle to charge over a man in the dar and just miss him by a hair's breadth." "No. then. We saw the trac s where they had cleared him in the night--and fancy that. Another too up the running after a pause.slower and slower. "he wasn't hurt a bit. "How did your mate get on." "What was that?" "My mate never wo e all through it. I got them all together in a patch of open country. always fallin' down on his nees. every solitary head of 'em. Well. admiringly. The cattle were all noc ed about--horns smashed. he wasn't a good 'un." said Billy. he never abated one jot of his statements.

and I am to go out and learn the business of sheep raising. She didn't half li e my going until Mr Moneygrub said that they always dressed for dinner at the head station. Of course it is not quite the same as going to India. Paroo River. Australia Dear Sir. and he will be consigned to you by the next boat. Joscelyn de Greene. and you must cut expenses as low as you can. to a friend                         . outward bound. of Wiltshire. and that a Church of England clergyman visits there twice a month. No. to college friend Dear Gus. and the premiums are forthcoming. It seems the Governor met some old Australian swell named Moneygrub at a dinner in the City. &c. He has thousands of acres of land and herds of sheep. You are on no account to employ Union shearers this year. the Union shearers will give me all the fight I want. and Mr Moneygrub says I'll be able to ma e that out of scalps in my spare time. He says there is a Government reward for scalps. of Frying Pan station. Anyhow. In India one generally goes into the Civil Service.. I sail next wee . What is a Union shearer. His pre-mium is £500. England. I am told. 1 Letter from Joscelyn de Greene. but if he thin s I'm going to scalp my enemies he is mista en..The Bulletin. as several are now as ing about it. We beg to advise you of having made arrangements to ta e a young gentleman named Greene as colonial experiencer. Mr Moneygrub says there isn't much fighting with the savages nowadays. and I can hold it over me while watching the floc s. nothing to do and lots of niggers to wait on you but the Australian Civil Service no fellow can well go into--it is awful low business. but to Australia. I don't mind a brush with the savages. &c. but. I am not to go to India. I hear. Let us now when you have vacancies for any more colonial experiencers. but some really decent people do go out to Australia sometimes. and I expect it won't be so bad. 3 Letter from Mr Robert Saltbush. he says. London. Would it not be feasible to wor the station with the colonial experience men and Chinese labour? &c. The Governor has fixed things up for me at last. I wonder? My mother has ordered an extra large artist's umbrella for me to ta e with me for fear of sunstro e. 4 April 1891 THE HISTORY OF A JACKAROO IN FIVE LETTERS No. I am only to pay a premium of £500 for the experience.. to the manager of the company's Drybone station. I have been going in for gun and revolver practice so as to be able to hold my own against the savages and the serpents in the woods of Australia. so no more from yours. No. 2 Letter from Moneygrub and Co. and you will please deal with him in the usual way.

". but real fast. and old Moneygrub. ta en at an inquest before Lushington. and old Moneygrub collars the £500 and sends out another jac aroo. whom you sent out. and he gives him a wee 's rations and tells him never to go through a gate. And there these poor English devils are. anyhow. and there will be the deuce to pay when they find out. The last one they had was a fellow called Greene. for the North-east by South Paroo district.Dear Billy. but if young gentlemen are sent out here to get experience they must expect to rough it li e other bushmen. of course. and the hot climate has started him in earnest. I believe. Mr Greene. he ma es a great fuss and goes after them with a whip. He said: "They're awfully beastly horses in this country. &c. No doubt he found the wor somewhat rougher than he had been used to. and a lot of grass will be burnt unless some settlement is arrived at. I regret to have to inform you that the young gentleman. Those fellows over at Drybone station have been at it again.. but they'd ic you afterwards if you don't be careful.. and his meat was gone bad when he got home. and a jury                                                                           . and the manager puts the jac aroo to boundary ride a tremendous great paddoc at the bac of the run. but he ta es care to have a stoc man pic their trac s up and ta e them to the nearest township.. and left him there with his tuc er and two old screws of horses. He ta es a lot of rubbing out for half a mile. and how do you thin he illed it? He shot it! It was a ram. manager of Drybone station. and old Macgregor. a terror to ic . He illed a sheep for tuc er. and then they go on the spree and never come bac . sends out an English blo e every now and again to be a jac aroo. 4 Letter from Sandy Macgregor. &c. He had a fine throat for whis y.R. &c. I hope you will notify his friends of the fact: and if you have applications for any more colonial experiencers we now have a vacancy for one. &c. S. riding round the fences and getting lost and not seeing a soul until they go near mad from loneliness. to Messrs Moneygrub & Co.O." When they got full up of him at the head station they sent him out to the big paddoc to an old hut full of fleas. Before he left the hut and the fleas. They had him at the head station for a while. letting him get pitched off the station horses. by Jove. whatever that means. No. but if he gets out of the paddoc .. &c. There is great trouble this year over the shearing. London Dear Sirs. gave him the slip. has seen fit to leave his employment and go away to the township. and he got lost for two days loo ing for them. too. About the fourth day a swagman turned up. because so long as he only gets lost in the paddoc he can always be found somehow. they're not content with throwing you off. one of Moneygrub's best rams. and he is there now--on the spree. I thin it must be some sort of jo e. The brown colt I got from Ginger is a clin er. He gets £500 premium for each one. You now it joins us. he got a piece of raddle and wrote on the door: "Hell.. P. Lord nows whether he'd ever be seen again. The horses. No. &c. It's a great game. and then they run away at last. the manager. 5 Extract from evidence of Senior Constable Rafferty. who lives in London. and he gave the swaggie a gold watch chain to show him the way to the nearest town.M.

and we started off and forgot all about him. When we were starting the horses away for the meeting. He was in the horrors: he was very bad." Curator of intestate estates advertises for next of in of J. He was foaming at the mouth and acting li e a madman. But somehow or another we managed to get the old horse pretty fit. The start for our race. had a string of dogs after him. because the starter flatly refused to leave a fight of which he was an interested spectator. Every horse. and a mare for the hac race. We called and whistled but he had made himself scarce. Station horses don't get trained quite li e Carbine: some days we had no time to give them their gallops at all. Curtain! The Bulletin. Red-hot day. so we used to let him race. as he did his preliminary gallop. everybody drun and blasphemous. stationed at Walloopna beyant. a gallop twice round the course. where I had no power to arrest him. An old grey warrior called Tricolour. He had ta en all his clothes off. And one day the boy we had loo ing after The Tric ier fell in with a mob of sharps who told him we didn't now anything about training horses. and escaped over a paling fence on to the Queensland side of the border. and that he had lately left the employment of Mr Macgregor. They fiddled about for a bit. and that what the horse really wanted was "a twicer". No blame attached to anybody. everything dusty. By and by the horses strung across to the start at the far side of the course. Verdict of jury: "That deceased came to his death by sunstro e and exposure during a fit of delirium tremens caused by excessive drin ing. and trying him against hac s of different descriptions we persuaded ourselves that we had the biggest certainty ever nown on a racecourse. we rather encouraged him because it ept him in good trim to hunt angaroos. and died from the effects of the sun and the drin . I went down and saw the man. and nobody comes forward. and the cler of the course came full cry after the dogs with a whip. All the betting at Buc atowndown was double-event. in fact. and then down went the flag and they came sweeping along all bunched up                                                 . When the horses were galloping in the morning the angaroo dog Victor used nearly always go down to the course and run round with them. so they had to gallop twice as far the next day to ma e up. but he avoided me. the Town Plate. whom I recognise as the deceased. was delayed for a quarter of an hour. someone said we had better tie up the dog or he would be getting stolen at the races. You had to win the money first and fight the man for it afterwards. at Drybone.I am a senior constable. and he left and too out a summons against us for assault. I received information that a man was in the horrors at Flanagan's hotel. and when we found out about it we gave the boy a twicer with the strap. He had been on the spree for several days. From enquiries made. On the 5th instant. whom the station boys insisted on calling "The Tric ier". Buc atowndown Races. He was found dead on the roadside by the carriers coming into Walloopna. I believe his name to be Greene. and was hiding in a fowl house to get away from the devils which were after him. So the boy gave him "a twicer" on his own responsibility. He had evidently wandered away from the township. I went to arrest him. that is to say. Greene. 5 September 1891 VICTOR SECOND WE WERE training two horses for the Buc atowndown races. It amused him apparently and didn't hurt anyone.

and then old Tricolour and the publican's mare singled out. What did we mean by bringing a something mongrel there to trip up and ill horses that were worth a paddoc ful of all the horses we had ever owned. and joined at odd intervals. We got away with our horses at once--didn't wait for the hac race. which they sold all over Australia by means of canvassers. They had put a lot of money into the business--all they had. Then the publican called the judge a cow. and the publican's mare third? The publican tried to argue it out with him.together. and he said he had heard we were "brimming over with science". a rip. It loo ed a guinea to a gooseberry that some of them would fall on him. boo publishers and printers. and that those who (hiccough) interfered with him would be sorry for it. The owners danced and swore in awful style. the public had revolted against them. The horses were all at the whip as they turned into the straight. and the dog stretched out all he new. And now. and there was a drun en shearer who was spoiling for a fight. It remains on the annals of Buc atowndown how a angaroo dog ran second for the Town Plate. in fact. Every second man we met wanted to run us a mile for £100 aside. and passed the post at old Tricolour's girths. was in great distress. one mo e holding a nice position on the inside. but we didn't have any fear of these going against us--we had laid the stewards a bit to nothing. After passing the stand the pace became very merry. garnished with a fusillade of curses and hiccoughs. We folded our tents li e the Arab and stole away and left the point unsettled. and every time he made a fresh appear-ance the people in the stand lifted up their voices and "swore cruel" as the boys phrased it. and she swerved off and he struggled home a winner by a length or so. He said you couldn't place a angaroo dog second in a horserace. just as everything was in thorough wor ing order. Victor second. The judge said that it was his (hiccough) business what he placed. but the mare could suffer it as long as the old fellow could. Just as they settled down to finish the dog dashed up the inside. or ever would breed or own. There were fifteen protests lodged against our win. We could hear the "chop. and that she was the right sort of mare for a poor man to own. As the field came past the stand the first time we could hear the riders swearing at the dog. and he had to scratch gravel to save his life. and a wild yell of execration arose from the public. What was the amazement then of the other owners to learn that the judge had placed Tricolour first. The Bulletin. These two enterprising individuals had wor ed up an enormous business in time payment boo s. which lasted some time and the judge won. and he had ridden forty miles to find whether it was a fact or not. Also he expressed the opinion. bottles and other missiles. The populace too to him with stones. even if we lived to be a thousand? We were fairly in it and no mista e. chop!" of the whips as they came along together. 31 October 1891 THE CAST-IRON CANVASSER THE FIRM of Sloper and Dodge. that the publican's mare was no rotten good. and was racing alongside his friend The Tric ier. because she would eep him poor. All of a sudden we heard a wild chorus of imprecations--"Loo at that dog!" Our dog had made his appearance and had chipped in with the racehorses and was running right in front of the field. and when they began to ma e it too hot for him he cut off corners. He had got right among the ruc by this time. and the judge being willing. thoroughly enjoying himself. tear and chew fight ensued. Their canvassers were                                             .

but he was half an hour late. and quic . If this could indeed be done. a figure which he said when wound up would wal about. He came in and put his burden down on the sofa. The man bolted in at the door. an event had happened which promised to relieve all their difficulties. who offered to supply the firm with a patent cast-iron canvasser. on the appearance of a canvasser. Anybody wal ing into one of those whiffs incautiously was li ely to get paralysed. a cab rattled up to the door. The people of one district applied to their member of Parliament to have canvassers brought under the Noxious Animals Act and demanded that a reward should be offered for their scalps. and Sloper and Dodge rushed unanimously to the window. crippled and disheartened. the inhabitants were called together by beating a camp oven lid with a pic ." Sloper and Dodge recoiled in horror. One man was made drun . with bristly blac hair and beard.ill-treated and molested by the country fol in all sorts of strange bush ways. collect orders. tal by means of a phonograph. close-fitting suits of tar and feathers with which their enthusiastic yo el admirers had presented them. had come forward. and then his guide galloped away and left him to freeze all night in the bush. Thus equipped he turned to the cabman to as his fare. If he disregarded the hint he would as li ely as not fall accidentally down a disused shaft. "There you are. saying that "Jac the Ripper" had come to town. Dodge puffed nervously at his pipe and filled the office with noxious fumes. the legs and feet which he dragged after him ma ing an unearthly clatter. The upper part of the man had a                                                 . very religious and very bald--"beastly. In his disengaged hand he held a pair of human legs with boots and trousers on. gents. In mining localities. wearing the neat. and the canvasser was given ten minutes to leave the town alive. tramping heavily under his hideous load. and frightened the inhabitants to death--these were Sloper and Dodge's sober and reliable agents. They had made an appointment with the genius to inspect his figure. and disappeared at a hand gallop. and toiled up the dar stairs. the tobacco was so strong. beady eyes. Dodge was a little. "There's your canvasser. and the partners were steeped in gloom. Sloper was a long. Just as they despaired of his appearing at all. and if they couldn't sell it. Just as things were at their very blac est. Reports were constantly published in the country press about strange. and they came in from north and west and south. another was decoyed out into the desolate ranges on pretence of being shown a gold mine." he said. The two partners were in a very anxious and expectant condition. awfully bald". and stand any amount of ill usage and wear and tear. In fact. sanctimonious individual. it was too hot altogether for the canvassers. A young man. An inventor. and swallowing the smo e. ruin stared them in the face. very badly dressed. and how could they sell it without canvassers! The two members of the firm sat in their private office. fat American. As the firm waited. and a woman who happened to be going by went howling down the street. and handed in their resignations. li e a locomotive on a steep grade. stepped out of the cab. He was eternally smo ing a ree ing blac pipe. and then puffing it out through his nose in great whiffs. To ma e matters worse. gigantic birds that appeared at remote free selections. Sloper and Dodge had just got out a map of Australasia on a great scale. but the man with a yell of terror whipped up his horse. holding over his shoulder what loo ed li e the upper half of a man's body. and then a two-horse harrow was run over him. then they were saved. a genius.

Griffo couldn't dodge it. The partners loo ed at him for a while in silence. "that's a notion of my own. He has an order form in his hand. "he'll do. "all ground floor houses. tal . and come in tomorrow. We'll give you your price. that dog won't. and if anybody hits him in the countenance. fishy eyes." said Dodge. "Loo s as much li e life as most--ah. and felt li e two men haunted by a cast-iron ghost. His head and body are all full of concealed springs. his phonograph can be charged for 100. suc ed at his pipe. And he's dog-proof too. would you. he lounged on the sofa li e a corpse at ease. tin-whistly voice issued from the creature's lips." "Good!" said Dodge. you brute!" he exclaimed. and a queer." "Ha! Let's see him wal . Have a cigar. and he'll say it. I fairly love him. for God's sa e. and he fetches his right hand round with a swipe that'll noc them into the middle of next wee . if there were stairs we could carry him up and let him fall down afterwards. Anyhow. and as soon as anyone signs it and gives it bac to him. "Now he loo s better. No fear of any man hitting him twice. leaning stiffly against the wall. Leave him here tonight. He'll go on saying it till he tal s his man silly. that sets another spring in motion. springing bac in alarm. po ing about the figure. and all you've got to do is to spea into it what you want him to say. "That's all right. for as he spo e the genius grinned affectionately at his monster. and soon fixed the legs on. li e a pious confer-ence gone mad. much elated. Immediately the genius touched a spring." The genius grinned." was the next order." Evidently he did." said Dodge. or in the pit of the stomach --favourite place to hit canvassers. "No stairs in the bush. and if a dog bites a bit out of him. "Fix him together. for the figure had made a violent La Blanche swing at him." said the genius. or gets an order. or get flung down li e any other canvasser. "What about stairs?" said Dodge. and dar hair. and blew out through his                                                                             . dull. while his legs and feet stood by. Never bite anybody again. and Slavin couldn't stand against it. stiff and erect. and he began to sing. you now--lot of trouble to ma e that face. and we'll start you off to some place in the bac country with him. and he puts the order in his poc et. And he'll tal .000 times. The figure wal ed all right. "Don't leave him li e that--he loo s awful. It's no good having his face noc ed about. and wal s away. "Now let's hear him yabber. it will ta e that dog the rest of his life to pic his teeth clean. tal .waxy face. It's an awful hit. the pit of the stomach--it sets a strong spring in motion." said Dodge. turns round. His legs are padded with tar and oa um. "Little Annie Rooney." said the inventor blowing a spec of dust off his apparition. Grand idea isn't he? Lor' bless you." And Mr Dodge.

and into which the genius wal ed as he sidled off. if they got any. twenty-five du es. and the product was Macpherson. and in his narrative made out that he was descended from the original Pherson or Fhairshon who swam round Noah's Ar with his title deeds in his teeth. six feet four in his soc s. and. and the vast wealth of his relatives and progenitors. the same being a fierce and homicidal association got up to resist." said the other. He showed how his people had fought under Alexander the Great and Timour. and he had put up a notice on his office door. Then they loc ed up the office. There they would climb up the window curtains and go to sleep. sleepy beyond description. d--it. some low-bred Irish ruffian who drove a corporation cart! Macpherson's biography gave it forth to the astonished town that he was born in Dublin of poor but honest parents. He was a fighter. His eyebrows would have made decent-sized moustaches even for a cavalryman. and had come over to England some centuries before the Conqueror. "let's start on Macpherson. that his father when a youth had lived by selling matches. The only thing that could rouse the inhabitants out of their lethargy was the prospect of a drin at somebody else's expense. they usually went to sleep. and Macpherson had written out his own biography for it. from the ground up. "Who'll we begin on?" said the genius. fifteen ings. It was a terrible outrage. "Oh. and made for home. and drive the eye clean out at the bac of his head. The climate was so hot that the very grasshoppers used to crawl into the hotel parlours out of the sun.                                                 . moreover. had got married. Macpherson at once became president for the whole of the western districts of the Remar able Colonials Defence League. He was a gigantic Scotchman. He was intensely proud of his pedigree. which hung and floated about the door. paying for the boo s. frec led all over with frec les as big as half-crowns. choose the victims. Sloper and Dodge managed to mix him up with some other fellow. and. This eminent firm had once published a boo called Remar able Colonials. and the other was to lay out the campaign. and then move him on to more populous and active localities if he proved a success. and if anybody disturbed them they would fly into his eye with a great whizz. and collect the money. And then. legally and otherwise. Also. The genius was to manage the automaton. and earls and lords and viscounts innumerable. they were in a cheerful mood. He also proved that he was related in a general way to one emperor. and a companion who new the district well. and his moustaches loo ed li e horns. When the mosquitoes in that town settled on anyone. after all. It fairly staggered him. he has sworn by all he held sacred that every canvasser who came to harry him in future should die. They got through a good deal of whis y on the way up. leaving the figure in readiness for his travels on the ensuing day. and disposed to ta e ris s. He dilated on the splendour of the family estates in Scotland. and forgot to bite him. And for those reasons it was decided to start the canvasser in this forgotten region. geniuses being notoriously unreliable and loose in their cash. and when they arrived at Ninemile. There was no li elihood of a public riot at Ninemile. They sent up the genius.nose a cloud of nearly solid smo e." Macpherson was the big bug of the place. he had a desperate "down" on canvassers generally and on Sloper and Dodge's canvassers in particular. emboldened by the possession of so much capital. and they could hear him sneezing and cho ing all the way downstairs. until one day he chanced to pic up a cigar end. and his grand relations. Ninemile was a quiet little place.

If you will please sign this order--" Just here Tom Sayers. in addition. a flat-iron. a railway pass for a year. Tom Sayers. "Now. and then the two conspirators waited li e Guy Faw es in his cellar. aided by the influence of bac bloc whis y. As a matter of fact. "Every person subscribing to this invaluable wor will receive."Canvassers come in here at their own ris ". It was so quic that Macpherson never even new what happened to him. but at last he leg. "it's a canvasser. There were a frightful lot of screws to tighten before the thing would wor . Here. and were ta ing a step which could only have been inspired by a morbid craving for excitement. "will you go out of this office quietly. He had a dog which he called a dog of the "hold 'em" breed. or will you be thrown out? It's for yourself to decide." and he struc the of the waistcoat. therefore. The genius wound the figure up in the bac parlour of the pub. pointed the figure straight at Macpherson's door and set it going. He remembered stri ing his blow. and then brought up against the table with a loud crash and stood still. The large and increasing demand of bush residents for time payment wor s has induced the publishers of this--" "My God!" said Macpherson. and would go for him on sight. To Macpherson's intense amazement the piece came clear away. The long Scotchman paused awhile before this fancied he had got the solution. Quic er than the lightning's flash came that terrific right-handed cross-counter. let's see if your ribs are cor . the bulldog. It had a boo stuc under its arm and an order form in its hand. Tom Sayers!" and he whistled and called for the dog. Macpherson was writing at his table and loo ed up. hitched straight onto the calf of the canvasser's leg. but you've only got while a duc wags his tail to decide in. that when the genius and his mate proposed to start on Macpherson. and this dog could tell a canvasser by his wal . and a poc et compass. The figure wal ed bang through a small collection of flower-pots. the canvasser's right hand. Which'll it be?" --"wor s of modern ages. "Got a cor he. "a most valuable wor . a map and geography of Australia. they were laying out a capacious contract for the cast-iron canvasser. It was tal ing all the time. without waiting for orders. tramped heavily in the spittoon. the figure marching stiffly between them." it said. sent a chair flying. tal ing to itself loudly in a hoarse. but at last he said it was ready. came tearing through the office. unnatural voice.--"Well. have you?" said too. When they arrived opposite Macpherson's office (he was a land agent and had a ground-floor room) the genius started the phonograph wor ing. and Tom Sayers rolled about the floor with his mouth full of some stic y substance which seemed to surprise him badly." said the canvasser." he said. and. The figure marched across the road and in at the open door. and afterwards all was a blan . "I have here. The reader will understand. which had been                                                                 . canvasser a terrific blow on the fith button mystery. and they shambled off down the street. which I desire to submit to your notice.

Excitable revellers. "The li enesses of the historical person-ages are so natural that the boo must not be left open on the table." and he laid his hand on the outstretched palm of the figure. rosy little Irishman. don't you handle him!" he continued as the other approached the figure. or the mosquitoes will ruin it by stinging the faces of the portraits. and had a faculty of persuading drun s and disorderlies and other fractious persons to "go quietly along with him". and left the figure alone with the officer. Obstinate drun s who would do nothing but lie on the ground and ic their feet in the air. "--Most magnificent volume ever published. and the canvasser stood over his fallen foe and droned on about the virtues of his publication. "Good day rye. who were being carried along by their mates. unnatural voice." "Ah. If he don't pay as a canvasser I'll ta e him to town and bac him to fight Joe Goddard. The genius and his mate watched this extraordinary drama through the window. he new what was the matter--it was a man in the horrors. and accosted him in a friendly and free-and-easy way. and prance gaily along to the loc -up with the sergeant. stating that he had come there merely as a friend. unearthly stare. at all. It was a fatal mista e. As li e as not. that was little short of marvellous. sure." So saying. and the nanny-goats lives on them these times. I sent the childher out to pic 'em up. and go with him to durance vile. "done him in one hit. and now loo ed upon the whole affair as a wildly hilarious jo e. and wal ed straight into--a policeman. jewelled in fourteen holes. By so doing he set in motion the machinery which   It then dawned on the sergeant that he was dealing with a boo canvasser. As soon as he saw the canvasser. and to give the inhabitants of Ninemile a chance to buy a boo which had already earned the approval of Dan O'Connor and the Earl of Jersey. Loo out for yourself." said the boo canvasser. "what's the use of tryin' to sell boo s at all. wor ing on a ruby roller. The sergeant resolved to decoy him into the loc -up. he'll give you a smac in the snout that'll paralyse you. would get up li e birds. He hated violent arrests and all that sort of thing. and I'll ma e you nice and comfortable for the night. and we have 'em at my place now--barrowloads of 'em. "By Gad! he's done him." said the genius as Macpherson went down. if you get fooling about him. landed just on the butt of Macpherson's ear and dropped him li e a fowl." he said. By a common impulse the genius and his mate at once ran rapidly away in different directions. and in a glass case. "Leave him to me. serpent-charmed. a squat. fol s does be peltin' them out into the street. by name Aloysius O'Grady.adjusted by the genius for a high blow. he guided the automaton out of the office and into the street. a common enough spectacle at Ninemile. and noted his fixed. struggling violently. whom. as li ely as not. Come along wid me now. He was a fully ordained sergeant. would brea away from their companions.                                                                 . they would try to iss on the way." he said. The gasping and terrified bulldog fled from the scene. They had ept up their courage with whis y and other stimulants. and listened to his hoarse.

was a man of great strength. Sullivan if necessary. and lay low. how he does lash out!" was the admiring remar they made. If they wouldn't come any other way. Lave go of me. sergeant. Then he got up bit by bit. the Blac Red Push. Constable Dooley drew up a report for the Chief of Police. was marching straight towards the river. and the two of them toppled over the steep ban and went souse into the bottomless depths of the Ninemile Cree . lave go. For a few minutes he "lay as only dead men lie". the little man yelled louder. with a vice-li e grip. and its awful voice went through and through the little man's head. He had originally been quartered at Redfern. it was beneath his dignity to be seen capturing a solitary inebriate. "he's squazin' the livin' breath out of me. and that                                                           . With the suddenness and severity of a horse ic . That was the end of the whole matter. "I'll soon ma e him lave ye go. A following of boys and loafers had collected by this time. and had ta en the sergeant away to drown him. for the figure's mouth was pressed tight against the sergeant's ear. and mentioned casually to his wife that John L. And oh. and had fought many bitter battles with the Bondi Push. Dooley. and the Surry Hills Push. he loc ed himself into a cell for the rest of the day. staggering rush. Sydney. The sergeant struggled violently. and it was now positively shrie ing at the sergeant's ear. and the figure's right arm made terrific swipes in the air. "Immortal Saints!" gasped the sergeant. Something had disorganised the voice arrangements.operated the figure's left arm. a wild shrie from the officer. and it moved that limb in towards its body. "Bly me. from his sleepy disposition. and he tried to catch hold of the figure's right arm. The townsfol would have cheerfully bac ed him to arrest John L. Lave go now loi e a dacent sowl. I say!" He beat with his fists on its face. and things would have gone hard with him had his subordinate Constable Dooley not appeared on the scene. which contained so many strange and unli ely statements that the department concluded the sergeant must have got drun and drowned himself. but dogged way to wal towards the steep ban of the river. catching the redoubtable Dooley a regular thud on the jaw. and sending him to grass. and ic ed at its shins without the slightest avail. to put on the "police twist". The genius and his mate returned to town hurriedly. and hugged the sergeant to its breast. and wandered off home to the police barrac s. expecting to be indicted for murder. having given orders that if anybody called that visitor was to be told he had gone out of town fifteen miles to serve a summons on a man for not registering a dog. it lashed out with its right hand. and he never ran in less than two drun s at a time. carrying the sergeant along with it. Sullivan had come to town. as it held forth about the volume. "I don't want yer accursed boo . Then it started in a faltering. Unfortunately at that exact moment the sergeant's struggles touched one of the springs in the creature's breast with more than usual force. and. the canvasser. and when he saw the sergeant in the grasp of an inebriate he bore down on the fray full of fight. But they didn't altogether li e interfering. and by so doing set some more springs in motion. A short. After this the duty at Ninemile was child's play." he said. better nown to the town boys as the "Wombat". notwithstanding the sergeant's frantic appeals. don't be shpa in' into my ear that way". he would ta e them by the an les and drag them after him. for the love of God. After which. as it yelled. and uneven. as if he had been shot. still holding the sergeant tightly clutched to its breast. Meanwhile.

nit. a hus y. 19 December 1891 THE TUG-OF-WAR THE FIRST night of the Tug-of-War at Darlinghurst Hall. but was too drun to pull him out. for it!"                                                         . As they too their places the warning bells rang out all over the building: "Now. is the only memory that remains of that wonderful creation. and yelled much good advice to the fair-haired men--"Now boys. Sydney. but decided that it was too much trouble. and they won the pull. Anyone unacquainted with Ninemile would have expected that a report of the occurrence would have reached the Sydney papers." "Pull the organ-grinders over. The genius dran himself to death. and a very fine-loo ing lot of men they were. and a vague tradition about "a blo e who came up here in the horrors. The Italian team were mostly fishermen. rising out of the green and solemn depths. Sunny N. harder and closer. As the teams too their places. if anything. As for the canvasser himself there is a rusted mass far down in the waters of the cree . the cast-iron canvasser. Then the Italians came out to pull the Norwegians.S. This should be seen to." "Go it. and the other thing was forgotten. And on calm nights the passers-by sometimes imagine they can hear.W. a stone a man heavier than their opponents all round. The crowd were very facetious. don't let the ice-cream push beat you. The Taffies had not time to get a team together. the Welshmen having scratched. slushy voice. It was a straight-out test of strength and endurance. and that voice is still urging the s eleton to buy a boo in monthly parts. having stout battens nailed across it. The tugs too place on a long narrow platform. who were a long way the heavier team. But the children of Garibaldi fought firmly for every inch. There was a parading of teams for a start. and stuc to it for half and hour."--and so forth. There was a big crowd. Macaroni. boys. Australia v Ireland. The Irish were a splendid team. mostly Irishmen and what are called "foreigners". It was a desperate struggle. and it is only when the waters are low and the air is profoundly still that he can be heard at all. you could feel the electricity rising in the atmosphere. was a great affair.Dooley saw him do it. li e that of an iron man with mud and weeds and dishcloths in his throat. It loo ed any odds on the Norsemen.. but the latter loo ed. the referee too a drin --and the Denmar team had a wal -over. There was some idea of as ing the Government to fish the two bodies out of the river. and in its arms it holds a s eleton dressed in the rags of what was once a police uniform. but about that time an agitation was started in Ninemile to have the Federal capital located there. and there are no points given for style in tug-of-war! Then came what was supposed to be the tug of the evening. The Bulletin. As a matter of fact the store eeper did thin about writing a report. France failing to appear against Sweden. their rivals were sailors and wharf labourers. the "Wombat" became Sub-Inspector of Police. Then another wal -over. but it was whispered about the hall that the Irishmen and the West Indian dar ies had not room for their feet between the battens. But the canvasser's utterance is becoming wea and used up in these days. An interval for drin s--here. the men laid their feet against these battens and lay right down to their pull. The frog-eaters rely mainly on style and deportment in everything they do. and drownded poor old O'Grady".

One man wanted to bac a team of lightweight joc eys to pull anything anybody would fetch. Australia!" And from the Irish side came a babel of broad. neatly shaven. This win was a surprise. It loo ed any odds on the English. and at the sound of the pistol. or the water under the earth. They wore orange and green colours. At the signal to go. li ewise for Cor and Killarney. and only allowed their heads to be seen. they loo ed li e--well. pulling them about ten feet more than was necessary before they could be stopped. soft. Firstly the eye caught the soles of their huge. and the English team marched on to the platform--all very neatly dressed. Their opponents had a smug. but they were gaunt. Dinny. sunburnt hue of the other arms told of hard. niver come bac to the wharf no more. the Russians gained a little. The Scotch supporters cheered                                                               . How did their supporters cheer! Ahoo! Ahoo! The building rang again with wild shouts of exultation. Where they found a team of ten Russians in Sydney goodness only nows. and after a terrible tussle the Rhinelanders fairly wore out the Britishers and scored a gallant win. buttery brogue: "Git some char on yer hands. moving with great precision. They pulled li e good 'uns. but there was no gammon about the Irish. but a bigger surprise was in store when the Russians met the Scotch. fighting hard to the last. and the sons of the Fatherland came up to do or die for the country of sauer raut. The Australians present pulled their hats down over their eyes and loo ed at their toes. the Mic ies simply gave one enormous dray horse drag and fetched our countrymen clean away hand over hand. Then "Rule Britannia" from the band. "Go it. They were genuine. toughening wor . it's no good trying to say what they loo ed li e. if yez don't win. and the glory of Woolloomooloo had departed. that will furnish the feeblest comparison. each side alternately gaining and losing. and their disappointment was intense. There was a strong British section present. which was a very funny business. the Russians might have first seen the light at Coc atoo Island. Then the squaw of the band changed to "The Watch on the Rhine". As these remar able people swayed in unison behind the ramparts of their feet."Go it." "For the love o' God and my fiver. while every Australian's heart beat high with hope." "Mic . as seen from the M. Snowball!" the Maorilanders were pulled over. their feet hid their bodies altogether. Next came the West Indies versus Maoriland. and seemed a long way the stouter men. and each one had in it two white dots--the glaring eyeballs of the owner. planted their brogues against the battens. There was no disguising it--the Australians were "beat bad". flat feet. pull together!" It was a national Irish team right through--regular Donegal and Tipperary bhoys. to give the Pope and the Protestants an equal show. blac as in . But they were white-s inned and flaccid. bhoys. Then they spat on their enormous hands. "What are they at all?" "A team of marines from the men-of-war. The Russians were all seamen and seafaring men of some sort.L. comfortable loo . than whom the earth produces no stronger or more resolute race. stic ing up in the air li e so many shovels." They loo ed fit to pull a house down. and then began a tremen-dous wavering pull. The coloured gentlemen. It was a great day for Donegal entirely. Bang went the pistol. every other man answered to the name of Mi e. and amid loud yells of. or the earth beneath. wiry. hard-featured men--some of them obviously Russian Finns. but this pleasantry could not avert the sting of defeat. The Swedes might have been Swedes from Surry Hills. but they hung on gamely. There is nothing in heaven above. The heads were all as round as apples. end. The Maorilanders were small and weedy compared to their sable opponents. while the deep. A man-o'-war's man was with difficulty stopped from climbing onto the platform and offering to pull the heads off the whole blan y Dutch team. presented a most remar able sight.

especially when his aged father barrac s for him and urges him on. We intend to be there again for a good long evening when the blac men meet the Irish. however. He deserved better luc . Then the Italian gentlemen. Donald!" "Haul away Sandy!" "Go it. Russia. apparently the father of one of the Russian team. was Manuel. and the show began forty-five minutes late. The Australians ought to go and practise pulling the hair off a pound of butter before they compete." Then he would sing out something li e "Kyohjnoo. They may do better later on. but it doesn't matter--is an awful snag to stri e. especially as he is the lightest team in the show. The longest pull of the evening was between the Englishmen and the West Indies dar ies. did Ham. and were set down as "scabs". and the West Indian blac s beat the Maorilanders. which was a                                                             . bro e Germany up in about twelve minutes. the Russians beat the Scotch. go and "barrac " against the land of Erin. full of a desire to recover their lost glory. Siberia!" "We'll have to get the nout to you fellows. whereas here every third man is a Scotchman." and so on. heave-ho-o-o-o-o. and here for the first time the Anglo-Saxon race got a show. and the signs. Australia again had the distinction of noc ing under in shorter time than anybody else. The Continental nations have very few men to choose from. Manuel lifted his head and gave the old sailor-cry that the men of the sea now so well and respond to--"Yo. seem to be that the sons of the Great White Czar will come out on top. offered to throw themselves into the gap. An old man. and the management didn't see it. at time of writing. It is said that the team has been carefully pic ed--that scores of men were tried and rejected before the team was formed. you're doing splendid. But all the foreign nations seemed to form a sort of Mafia to encourage the Russians against the Scotch. Burgoo!" Then they would turn their attention to the Russians: "Go it. By and by a compromise was arrived at. He was a magnificent man. It too them over an hour to do it. nothing is complete without a stri e. while a spectral voice in ilts groaned over their discomfiture. In Australia. but at the end of that time Ham went under. and at every pull the old man would howl--"Go on. and Dago joined in the wild chorus of encouragement. First they would give the Scotch a turn--"Go it. It will be seen. Norseman. danced alongside the platform shrie ing in every language under the sun. The Australians impartially barrac ed both sides. because if they are really Russians (their faces seemed Slavonic) there must have been very few men to pic from. The Irish on the first night certainly loo ed li e winning. The man he was cheering was a great broad-chested giant who threw his mighty strength on to the rope in tremendous surges. They wanted a total sum of £156 a night. and one's sympathies went with the little band of Russians." and Manuel would give another heave that would fetch the Scotch team another two or three inches at least. Ireland also went under to Sweden. The great wiry muscles stood out on his arms li e notted ropes. and on Monday the teams mostly struc .their men on with wild cries. the Maorilanders bolting with him as if they intended to rush down to Circular Quay. And if you want to get your two eyes noc ed straight into one. Manuel--we are not quite sure that his name is Manuel. therefore. Manuel. Perhaps (whisper it softly)--perhaps the British and the Australians are not the only strong and determined races on the face of the earth after all. And when at last it only wanted six inches more for a win. Dane. Scotland and Norway too the rope and in six minutes the former went under amid the ruins of the thistle and the haggis. that the Germans beat the English. It was a grand pull." and the subjects of the Great White Czar gave one mighty lift that fetched the Scotchmen away as if they had been children. with the potent Manuel on dec . he was a disgraced angaroo in just thirty-three seconds.

and Scotland and Australia come in dejectedly at the tail with two blan s. should be close up. The Bulletin suggests that that huge Roman and Manuel should pull each other single-handed at the close of the proceedings." we said. His great idea is to have these stories illustrated. Denmar too the other end of the rope and held it for thirty-three minutes. He always has a bac bloc story or two which he thin s would be highly suitable for publication. Germany and Maoriland had one apiece. There's some tremenjus funny things in the bush." "Yes. "I've just come in from the Paroo. He seems to regard himself as an ambassador from the bac bloc s. and Italy. It would be a gaudy spectacle. is Julius Caesar. 20 February 1892 OUR AMBASSADOR OR SHARP PRACTICE ON THE DARLING THERE is an old. and the store eeper used to classify the flour according to the condition of the creeping things which inhabited it. He is a bearded. or his father doesn't brea a blood vessel while howling for him. They never are. After Monday night's proceedings. And comin' down in the camp. There are not many parts of Australia that the ancient doesn't now. and he was at first suspected of being "Scotty the Wrin ler" in disguise. and to hear him chin off the old bush names is a perfect treat. Or else he tells how. if only on account of the demoniac energy of the hul ing gentleman with the large feet who pulls at the extreme end of the rope. Russia should win the big prize. If Manuel's boiler doesn't burst. Norway. and he lays down the law on all bush subjects in great style. but we rec oned this was the best. so that "prime fat flour" sold at a considerable advance over that which was only in "store condition". we believe. France and Wales have been on stri e since the start. Last of all. the better quality the flour was held to be. the fellers was sayin' I ought to come and tell you some of the things as is happenin' up our way now. a process to which they do not lend themselves readily. and then the stupendous efforts of the fallen Romans carried the day. frec led old pirate.painful surprise to many individuals named Mic . Italy. you now. Sweden and Russia were ahead with two wins each. The Roman's name. Terence. and Dinny. "with cattle." he replied. He has a slightly Scotch accent. Italy came on to give a mighty heave for the honour of the banana-vending industry. But when he came to town this last time he was so genuinely distressed at none of his previous yarns having appeared that he was promised faithfully that "Sharp Practice on the Darling" should be published. Denmar ." he said. France and Wales both failed to turn up. It                                                         . furthest-out bushman who comes to Sydney once every year and always calls upon certain members of the staff of this paper. West Indies. come "to ta e a rise" out of us. out in the far bac country. His hands are scarred with "Barcoo rot". England. The fatter the crawlers were. with a bald head. and Ireland. "we rec oned this was the funniest. the supplies got low and the only flour available was full of weevils and other livestoc . "What is the funniest thing that has happened lately?" "'Well. even if the editor had to be noc ed on the head. We tal ed over a crowd of things in the camp. The Bulletin. They mostly consist of yarns about the things which some renowned bulloc driver said to his bulloc s when he was fast in a river with a flood coming down.

I'll get away with it all right. And as he sent up past the public house he saw the landlord standing there. and they a pity. they're in earnest about it. So I come along and was havin' a drin with him. So Hazard. now. but it was any port in a storm with him. It seems go away. "I'm not going myself. and he gave the landlord two of 'em. 'Well. you now. too.' says the publican. Hazard was the name this mate of mine went by." he said. don't it. 'I don't now. and a retriever pup. he had three fivers. well. 'and you ain't goin' to be the fust man to do it.' I says. when he'd about cut out his ten pounds. and paddles across. and then he. and we promised to have a full-page drawing made of it when the artists had time. so he runs to the ban and waves his swag. "It doesn't loo a very good game to leave this country and go to a strange place where they'll get potted li e possums in the first revolution. 'Ha! ha! old man.would ma e good pictures.' "'Well. he'll have it off you somehow.' 'Won't I?' says he.' I says. he slips down to the river one day. and the other to go down the near side. We also too notes of another narrative about a publican and a boozer. he was ma in' down the river and he saw this cove cross over after him. too. somehow." but there was six men at the last shed I have put down their stuff. and the publican.' So he calls two chaps he had there. "How did he ta e 'em down? Did he swallow the fiver and then cough it up after he got past the hotel?" we enquired. and he showed me the other fiver. Fine strappin' young fellows as he said.' he says. 'this is sharp practice on the Darling!'" We agreed that this story would appeal strongly to bush readers. and he ran to the stern of the steamer and waves the fi-pun note at him.' "So. But there was a mate of mine that too 'em down all right"--and the old man chuc led at the remembrance. "No. 'Yes. and he sends one to swim the river with a horse and go down the further side. and ma es off down the river to stri e the coach road. They'll get that fiver out of him. The old man pointed out that this would ma e a spirited illustration. was at that are going. are they?" we enquired." "Ah. were down on all fours together in the dirt grabbing at the notes as they blew about. and ta es the canoe. "you fellows in Sydney don't thin that the bushmen are in earnest over that. for them to the sun ever shone on! But it's                                               . and he was a tremenjus clever fellow--a real larri in. He went on to chat about things in general. and they was bound to have him that way. "When he went to the pub." "Well. 'he owes me some money and I must have him bac ." he said. now. "About this Argentina scheme. 'I'm goin' to get away with this one. earnestly. "We call it sharp practice on the Darlin' River just now.' says he.' says I. The puppy secured the bul of the capital. In this case the boozer had some pound notes and he let them blow out of his hand in the yard on a windy day. you now. 'Does the publican now you've got it?' says I. 'You see." he said. 'There's no publican on the Darlin' River has let a man with five pounds get past him this seven years.' says he. and just then there was a steamer coming up the river. 'where he's gone. and started a spree. and if a man has a fi' pun'-note he can't get past a public house with his life. and the steamer sent a boat and too him off. The publican come out and 'Where's Hazard gone?' says he. And he didn't want to go up the river.

and the white-walled cottages of Botany were shrouded in a faint mist. him out and stood him a drin . 4 February 1893 CONCERNING A DOG FIGHT DOG FIGHTING as a sport is not much in vogue nowadays. But dog fighting is one of the cruel sports which the united sense of the community has decided to put down with all the force of public opinion. 'cos they camp out under the saltbush these times. too--prin-cipally by gentlemen who follow the occupation of slaughterers. non-dog fighting population of that stin ing suburb were sleeping the heavy. One dog was on the ground when we arrived. laden with about ten or eleven of "the talent". and drawn by a horse that cost fifteen shillings at auction. they're too clever for men to eep out. To begin with. If it wasn't for the rabbits there'd be no wor at all on a lot of the runs. in truth. Some few people. and. You don't tell us the rabbits can swim a quarter of a mile?" "In corse they don't. Now and then a van. about half a mile from town. and hung up their horses and vehicles to the fence without the slightest concealment. yet flourishes exceedingly. Nevertheless." he answered. And in the old times they was glad to get shearers. hurried pedestrians might be seen plodding their way over the heavy road towards the sandhills. These were dog fighters who had got "the office". And they crosses the Murray River where it's a quarter of a mile wide. Sunday morning sleep. come! that's too stiff. and new exactly where the chewing match was to ta e place. The rest of the time he glowered out of the cab               After that we too way rejoicing. "Yes. weighing about forty pounds. for Sunday drin ing is also illegal." "Do the rabbits ma e much wor ?" we as ed." he said. "They burrows under the wire netting. were astir. and was a white bull terrier. and they can't be suffocated in their burrows nohow. The grey dawn was just brea ing over Botany when we got to the meeting place. however. They said the police would not interfere with them. An intense stillness was over everything. and here some two hundred people had assembled. Not that that matters much. it is illegal. rolled softly along in the same direction. "They burrows underneath it!" The Bulletin. and who live out Botany way and do not care for public opinion." he said. a certain amount of dog fighting is still carried on around Sydney. they did not seem a nice crowd to interfere with. "if you go shearing and get one shed it's all you'll do. He waited in the cab.terrible hard to get a livin' these times. The "meet" was on a main road. and very neatly and scientifically carried on. Away to the east the stars were paling at the first faint flush of the coming dawn and over the sandhills came the boom of the brea ers. and lic ed his trainer's face at intervals to reassure that individual of his protection and support. He had come out in a hansom cab with his trainer. It was Sunday morning. and all the respectable. In the dim light." "Oh. with the muscles standing out all over him. "trained to the hour". and sent him on his               .

--"It is their nature to. nearly dragging his trainer off his feet in his efforts to get at the enemy. All details were carefully attended to. fashionable--if they can get it. and the fight began. of course. He new as well as any human being that there was sport afoot. about two hundred yards from the main road. the brindled dog was let loose in his own corner of the ring. a time eeper and two seconds for each dog. waiting for the fray. was held in his corner waiting the attac . a thirty-foot-square enclosure formed with sta es and ropes. carefully exercised and dieted for wee s beforehand. and he was required by the rules to go across the ring (some thirty feet) of his own free will and attac the other dog. a grip of the ear or the bac of the nec being of very slight importance. and he loo ed about eagerly and wic edly to see what he could get his teeth into. he said that the other dog had arrived and all was ready. There were two umpires. These bull terriers are the gladiators of the canine race. He fixed his eyes on his adversary with a loo of intense hunger. The foot is a favourite hold. The brindled dog never uttered a sound. in the arms of his trainer. Possibly one could even buy a boo containing the rules of dog fighting. in which their mouths were washed out and a cloth rubbed over their bodies. and all rules strictly observed.e. became evident that the animals need                                                   . He seemed li e an animal who saw the hopes of years about to be realised. whether they meant to sit in the cab till the police came: also. At intervals he emitted a hoarse roar of challenge and defiance. Li e a flash of lightning they dashed at each other. and we followed through a fence and over a rise. he stood Napoleonic. and there. the dogs were carried to the centre of the ring by their seconds and put on the ground. Then came the ceremony of "coming to scratch".and eyed the public scornfully. The trainer and dog got out of the cab. but there are rules and regulations--simple. on time being called. with a variety of expletives. therefore. gives a very faint idea of a real dog fight. and so on. The white dog came up to the ring straining at his leash." "Draw your foot bac . giving them encourage-ment and advice. grand in his courage. and so on alternately. old man". Boxer--fight for his foot. they come to the fray exulting in their strength and each determined to win. If he failed to do this. Nearly everyone has seen dogs fight. a referee. was a neatly pitched enclosure li e a prize ring--i. Now and again one dog got a grip of the other's foot and chewed savagely. About a hundred people were at the ringside. and. meanwhile. of absolute yearning for combat. fighting grimly. Most people thin a dog fight is a go-as-you-please outbrea of lawlessness. but effective. Their seconds dodged round them unceasingly. terminating as soon as one or other gets his ear bitten. With painful earnestness he watched every detail of the other dog's toilet. a brindle. Then a messenger came running up to the cab and demanded to now. and in the far corner. After the first round. These dogs sparred and wrestled and gripped and threw each other. He never for an instant shifted his unwin ing gaze. he would lose the fight. After the next round it was the white dog's turn to ma e the attac . while the white dog was ma ing fierce efforts to get at him. and a minute's time was allowed. the throat is. It was wonderful to see the two dogs when they caught sight of each other. "That's the style. Bred and trained to fight. The moment the dogs released hold of each other they were snatched up by their seconds and carried to their corners. It. The white dog. and disdaining to utter a sound under the most severe punishment." as Dr Watts puts it. and the spectators danced with excitement. Each is trained to fight for certain holds. After some tal . was the other dog. But an ordinary worry between (say) a retriever and a collie. The sta es were said to be ten pounds a side.

and so he lost the fight. but. Fighting is li e breath to them--they must have it. and it several times loo ed as if he would not cross the ring when his turn came. The brindled dog's condition was not so good as the other's. Knowing this. but anyone loo ing on could see that they gloried in the combat. perhaps. and comes up every year to be shorn with a pleased smile upon its amiable face. it became a very exciting question whether or not a dog would "come to scratch". But it was not cruel to the animals in the same sense that pigeon shooting or hare hunting is cruel. But as soon as time was called. the New Man.not fight a moment longer than they chose. he would start to his feet and come limping slowly across glaring steadily at the other dog. and the money we owe to England would be as hopelessly lost to that nation as if we were a South American state. after a while. The dogs are born fighters. so that the public may now what ind of brute they are depending on. and the women are to wear the breeches. Nature has implanted in all animals a fighting instinct for the weeding out of the physically unfit.                                           . anxious and eager to fight. be found at grey dawn of a Sunday morning with a crowd of other unregenerates in some bac yard frantically cheering on two determined buc guinea pigs to mortal combat. savage animals are out of date. then. he would quic en his pace and at last ma e a savage rush. when the punishment got severe and their "fitness" began to fail. They could stop when they li ed. If all the sheep in the country were to die. whose fighting instincts are not quite bred out of him. these nasty. now that the world is going to be so good. which are their bac bone. though even they have a go-in at one another occasionally. being gone. perhaps. Business would perish. desiring nothing better. to exhibit the merino sheep in its true light. only went halfway across and stood there growling savagely till a minute had elapsed. will. bleating animal that gets its living without trouble to anybody. Whatever limited intelligence they have is all directed to this one consuming passion. and we are all to be teetotal and only fight in debating societies. as either dog could abandon the fight by failing to go across the ring and attac his enemy. eeps us going. and these dogs have an extra share of that fighting instinct. And the gamecoc and the steeplechase horse and all animals with sporting or fighting instincts must be done away with. and we will not be allowed to have anything more quarrelsome than a poodle about a house--though even poodles will fight li e demons when they feel li e it. While their condition lasted they used to dash across the ring at full run. Guinea pigs will. On the bac of this beneficent creature we all live. as he got nearer. and the sheep alone. No doubt it was a brutal exhibition. the squatting securities. as one having experience. It is my purpose here. people have got the impression that the merino sheep is a gentle. And the man of the future. and he used to lie on his stomach between the rounds to rest himself. So they battled on for fifty-six minutes till the white dog (who was apparently having all the best of it). 18 May 1895 THE MERINO SHEEP THE PROSPERITY OF Australia is absolutely based on a beast--the merino sheep. be safe to eep. the big ban s would collapse li e card houses. on being called on to cross the ring. Of course. and in a moment they would be loc ed in combat. The sheep. The Bulletin.

Then comes a rush of them following one another in wild bounds li e antelopes. A lamb will follow a bulloc dray drawn by                                                   . and calls for Rover and Bluey. and pretends that he thoroughly enjoys it. and were proud to do it. and they stop running out. To return to our muttons. and goes to wor in another way. three or four thousand sheep to put through. and he forgets whether he left off at 45 or 95. if a scrap of bar be left on the ground in the gateway. sodden stupidity there is no animal li e the merino sheep. but jumps a bit higher. Dogs and men may bar and shrie . meanwhile. and the dogging and shrie ing and hustling and tearing have to be gone through all over again. rush at the fancied obstacle. until one "over-jumps himself" and alights on his head." said the man. The dog sets to bar ing and heeling 'em up again. though there is an old bush story of a man who was discovered in the act of illing a neighbour's wether. they will refuse to step over it until dogs and men have sweated and toiled and sworn and "heeled 'em up". but he is loo ing out all the time for another chance to "clear". For pure. do they run away out of danger? Not at all. The next does exactly the same. they will stubbornly refuse to cross three inches of water to save themselves. he will display a talent for getting into trouble and a genius for dying that are almost incredible. because an old ram jumped overboard into the ocean. There is a well-authenticated story of a shipload of sheep being lost once. and with. and fairly jammed them at it. No one can accuse him of being a ferocious animal. A sheep won't go through an open gate on his own responsibility. with a howling flood coming down. they rush round and round in a ring till the fire burns them up. They will wait there till the flood comes and drowns them all. No one could ever say that a sheep attac ed him without provocation. ta e the first chance to slip over the fence and hide in the shade somewhere. No doubt they did. and a racehorse can't head him bac again. A mob of sheep will crawl along a road slowly enough to exasperate a snail. This frightens those still in the yard. The dogs. but let a lamb get away from the mob in a bit of rough country. with an air of virtuous indignation. perhaps. And this time he won't be discovered in a hurry. "I am illing your sheep. and "spo e to 'em". and his one idea is to ruin the man who owns him. unearths a dog and hauls him bac to wor by the ear. If they are in a river bed. spring over it about six feet in the air and dart away. but he would gladly and proudly follow another sheep through the red-hot portals of Hades: and it ma es no difference whether the leader goes voluntarily or is hauled struggling and ic ing and fighting every inch of the way. with clouds of blinding dust about. "Hullo. they will resolutely crowd into the fourth corner and die of thirst. mind you. When sheep are being counted out at a gate.And first let us give him what little credit is his due. With this object in view. Then the first one will gather courage. and all the rest followed him. and at last a dirt-begrimed man jumps over the fence. and then their corpses go down the river on their bac s with their feet in the air. The delay throws out the man who is counting. If a mob of sheep see a bushf ire closing round them." said the neighbour. "What's this? Killing my sheep! What have you got to say for yourself?" "Yes. If sheep are put into a big paddoc with water in three corners of it. The truth is that the merino sheep is a dangerous monomaniac. This on a red-hot day. Then there are loud whistlings and oaths. but the sheep won't move. I'll ill any man's sheep that bites me!" But as a rule the merino refrains from using his teeth on people. a performance which nothing but a sheep could compass. with the yol of wool irritating your eyes.

He is never satisfied on his owner's run. and they were almost all drowned. And then they too to roving. Concerning this resemblance between sheep. they didn't. They got into the cultivation paddoc and the vegetable garden at their own sweet will. "See here--not half the serrations that other sheep had. . At length. Any man who has tried to drive rams on a hot day nows what purgatory is. "that's Sir Oliver. The fiendish resemblance which one sheep bears to another is a great advantage to them in their struggles with their owners. and the old squatter said. and from that hour the hand of fate was upon him." he said. Johnson" (to his overseer) "what ram is this?" "That. and they were four miles away across country before he got on to their trac s. when they happened accidentally to be at home on their owner's run. The merino relies on passive resistance for his success. though her own may be a white lamb. but always thin s other people's runs must be better. Grand animal. and appar-ently has no sense of colour. Sir Oliver. and much harder to tell when any are missing. See the serrations in each thread of it. He too a friend out one day to inspect Sir Oliver. and he would have to go off nine or ten miles to drive them home. but. He will stri e a course. A ewe never nows her own lamb by sight. and played havoc with the sheep all over the district. Once there was a man who was induced in a wea moment to buy twenty cross-bred rams. There is another ind of sheep in Australia. See the density of it. He was threatened with actions for trespass for scores of pounds damages every wee . there came a huge flood. rams are here. and overhauled that animal with a most impressive air of sheep wisdom. His sheep. It ma es them more difficult to draft out of a strange floc . . that sheep. and so long as the fit ta es him he will eep going south-east through all obstacles. fences. mostly merinos. including the blac ones. as great a curse in his own way as the merino--namely. Then he set a boy to watch them. the cross-bred or half-merino-half-Leicester animal. "Loo here. Out again and into a growing crop. They got out and went bac to the garden. Loo at the way his legs and belly are clothed--he's wool all over. rivers. The cross-bred will get through. but when she gets within five yards of her lamb she starts to smell all the lambs in reach. say. so he sets off to explore. under the impression that this aggregate monstrosity is his mother. sir!" And so it was. They got into all the paddoc s they shouldn't have been in. "Now. The owner sat on a rise above the waste of waters and watched the dead                                                   . under or over any fence you li e to put in front of him.sixteen bulloc s and driven by a profane "colonial" with a whip. So he caught a ram and pointed out his defects. and becomes a living curse to his owner day and night. In a body they visited the neighbouring stations. Bare-bellied as a pig. Come and ta e them away at once". south-east. had plenty of time to get on to high ground and save their lives. I'll show you the difference between a champion ram and a second-rater". He tried shutting them up in the sheep yard. No density of fleece to spea of. Not that this isn't a fair sheep. but he'd be dear at one-tenth Sir Oliver's price. say. there is a story told of a fat old Murrumbidgee squatter who gave a big price for a famous ram called. but the boy went to sleep. grand animal!" Then they went and had a drin . She can recognise her own lamb's voice half a mile off among a thousand other voices apparently exactly similar. "at the fineness of the wool. the cross-bred carries the war into the enemy's camp. growing crops--anything. They scattered themselves all over the run promiscuously. By the way. sir" replied the astounded functionary. The wretched owner was constantly getting fiery letters from his neighbours: "Your . compared with Sir Oliver. of course. Then he gaoled them in the calf pen.

those rams are drowned. over the most rigid and uncompromising obstacles--ironbar rails clamped into solid posts with bands of iron. But he said. "riding exercise" every morning. would lay you or me up for wee s. when the ground is soft. the manager would be tried for manslaughter in no time. If they are put on damp. No wonder they are always coming to grief. If they are put on dry saltbush country they die of drought. with a doctor to loo after us and a crowd of sympathetic friends calling to now how our poor bac was. In Australia the men have to go at racing speed on very hard ground. The poems about dying boundary riders and lonely graves under mournful she-oa s are the direct outcome of the author's too close association with that soul-destroying animal. It is bad enough in England. The death-record among Australian cross-country joc eys and horses is something awful: it is a curious instance of how custom sanctifies all things that such horse and man slaughter is accepted in such a calm. They were the only survivors of thousands of sheep. and "schooling" all sorts of cantan erous brutes over the fences. while nothing will eep merinos alive. the merino sheep. with the certainty of an ugly smash if he eeps at it long enough. and where the obstacles for the most part will yield a little if struc and give a horse a chance to blunder over safely. But the racetrac s use up their yearly average of horses and men without attracting remar . in fact. The cross-bred drives his owner out of his mind. and foot rot. where steeplechases only ta e place in winter. He was a ruined man. but the merino ruins his man with greater celerity. Sometimes one reads that a horse has fallen and the rider has "escaped with a severe sha ing". there is just a bare living for a good capable horseman while he lasts. and where the horses are properly schooled before being raced. Nothing on earth will ill cross-breds. resentful loo which you may notice on the faces of all bushmen comes from a long course of dealing with the merino sheep. but they are not--quite otherwise. and its despairing pathos.                                                         . These men ta e their lives in their hands and loo at grim death between their horses' ears every time they race or "school". His hopes in life were gone. and the twenty rams solemnly swam ashore and ranged themselves in front of him. It is the merino sheep which dominates the bush. The hard." Just as he spo e there was a splashing in the water. The Bulletin. One would suppose that the ris being so great the profits were enormous. If any theatre gave a show at which men and horses were habitually crippled and illed in full sight of the audience. They die in the wet seasons and they die in the dry ones.animals go by. The cross-breds had fulfilled their destiny. In "the game" as played on our racecourses. "Than God. He bro e down utterly. A man who could write anything cheerful after a day in the drafting yards would be a frea of nature. That "sha ing". flu e. But the steeplechase rider has to be out and about again. gentle reader. callous way. anyhow. and which gives to Australian literature its melancholy tinge. and was ta en to an asylum for insane paupers. and are always in and out of hospital in splints and bandages. 14 December 1895 CONCERNING A STEEPLECHASE RIDER OF ALL the ways in which men get a living there is none so hard and so precarious as that of steeplechase riding in Australia. well-watered country they die of worms.

And then they commence to fall--it is an old axiom that as soon as a man begins to fun he begins to fall." "Do you get a fair share of the riding?" I as ed. the son of a stoc man on a big cattle station. Which remar s may serve to introduce one of the fraternity who may be considered as typical of all. rode him himself. But there's a lot of 'em got a notion I won't ta e hold of a horse when I'm told (i. Then he left the station to go with cattle on the road. is carried into the casualty room and laid on a little stretcher. They don't give steeplechase riders a chance in Sydney" (which is true enough). and. and when I met him on the course one day I enquired how he li ed the new life. and they are either "half muzzy" or sha y.. but some of these days I'll ta e hold of a horse when they don't expect it. and the racing is going on merrily as ever. and after a while they have to increase the dose. "but it's no great sha es. it's a livin'." And the rider. won handsomely. having pic ed up a horse that showed pace. and went down to ride the horse in his Sydney races. pull him to prevent him winning). to get employment?"                                                                             . I had nown him in the old days on the road. so he pitched his camp in Sydney and became a fully enrolled member of the worst profession in the world--that of steeplechase rider. I believe that joc was illed when the chestnut fell". the poor rider is pushed in out of sight. amused himself by jumping him over fences. "Yes. and the big sweepsta es eep horses out of the game. and. they dispose of any jewellery he may have about him--they have been nown to almost tear off a finger in their endeavours to secure the ring. "Bill. "Do you have to pull horses." he said.e. And the ambulance clatters up at a canter. I get as much as anybody. if so. hard-featured fellow. then. I had five bob on him.And they don't need to eep at it very long. "Oh. while outside the window the boo ma ers are roaring "Four to one bar one". wiry. And a wolfish-eyed man in the Leger stand shouts to a wolfish-eyed pal. damn him. and was offered several mounts on fine animals. After a few good "sha ings" they begin to "ta e a nip or two" to put heart into them before they go out. Then he went to Wagga and entered the horse in a steeplechase. yes. according as they have ta en too much or too little. sold the horse at a good price to a Sydney buyer. with the result that he ma es his spring a foot too far off or a foot too close in. and ta es a pull or urges him onward just at the critical instant--the one crucial moment when the horse is rattling up to his fence and judging his distance so as to ma e his spring. "There is very few races. gasping li e a crushed chic en. and the ladies in the stand say how unluc y they are--that brute of a horse falling after they bac ed him. And the little pull at his head or the little touch of the spur ta es his attention from the fence. So that at last they cannot ride at all without a regular cargo of alcohol on board. The reason is that a rider who has lost his nerve is afraid of his horse ma ing a mista e. He was a small. and began life as a horse brea er--he was naturally a horseman. and--smash! And then the loafers who hang about the big fences rush up to see if the joc ey is illed or stunned. Did very well in Sydney and got a name as a fearless and clever rider. and able and willing to ride anything that could carry him." I smiled as I thought there was probably a sorry day in store for some bac er when the joc ey "too hold" unexpectedly. and Bill replies. "Well.

but had borrowed enough to pay the sweepsta es and stood to ma e some-thing if the horse won and lose nothing if he lost. "Oh. but such a lot of the steeplechase owners are what I call 'battlers'--men who have no money and get along by owing everybody money. to meet a hearse?" "Oh. "I'm just off to weigh now. and it loo ed certain that he would get over."Oh. I'll get him over the fences. "What do you get for riding?" I as ed him. It seemed he had no money. And then. At last a bac er of the horse came forward who agreed to pay two pounds ten.   "Good heavens. "we're supposed to get a fiver for a losing mount and ten pounds if we win. yes". absolutely none whatever. as he had nothing to lose. Wouldn't you be better bac on the station?"                                               ." "Do you thin it luc y. I would not do it." Two pounds! I made a rapid mental calculation. somehow. and "Contractor!" was on everyone's lips as the big horse sailed along in front of his field." he said. rather apologetically." I said. When he reappeared he was clad in racing rig. My friend went to the front at the start and led nearly all the way. I met a hearse as I was coming out. "if an owner is badly treated by the handicapper and is just giving his horse a run to get weight off. "Well. you now. those about to die salute thee!" The story of the race is soon told. My friend the rider insisted on being paid two pounds before he would mount. and he felt himself very superior to the scoundrel who would pull favourites or outsiders indiscriminately. a steeplechase rider is somebody--not li e an ordinary fellow that is just wor ing. "if you meet it." he said--"I'm riding Contractor. Cross-eyed men ought to be ept off racecorses. So is a cross-eyed man unluc y. He had ridden over eighteen fences for two pounds--had chanced his life eighteen times at less than half a crown a time. But when a horse is favourite and the public are bac ing him it isn't right to ta e hold of him then. but he always seems to fall at those logs. I only got two pounds for that last steeplechase. and we set off to see the horse saddled. I don't now--sometimes we get laid a bit to nothing and do well out of a race." And away he went. he said. loo ing about uneasily. We found the owner in a great state of excitement. nodding gaily to friends in the crowd. well. and the owner nearly had a fit in his efforts to persuade him to ride on credit. I ought to have luc today." This was his whole code of morals--not to pull a favourite. He came at the log fence full of running. "Hail. and the rider was to get twenty-five pounds out of the prize if he won. "that's a poor game. They promise us all sorts of money if we win but they don't pay if we lose. and as he and the others wal ed the big muscular horses round the ring. then. Caesar." I realised that I was an "ordinary fellow that was just wor ing" and felt small accordingly. and he'll run well. then it's right enough to catch hold a bit. So up he got. win or lose. followed by a little not of hungry-loo ing men who were beseeching him for a "tip" for the race. Still. You mustn't overta e it--that's unluc y. it's this way." he said. I thought of the gladiators going out to fight in the arena with the cry of.

gasping and quivering slightly. and a sure thing if he don't fall at the logs". to discourage travellers from coming that way. Then he spo e quic ly. Of course. Then he began to tal . Evidently meeting the hearse had not brought him luc . paid premiums to learn the noble art of squatting. and would have them dogged right through the run. Buc along was on one of the main routes by which stoc were ta en to mar et. the bro en arm. wandering in his mind. "Where were the cattle"--he had lost the cattle--his mind evidently going bac to the old days on the road. Man and horse lay still. and I ran down to the casualty room to meet him when the ambulance came in. and all the havoc that the horse's huge weight had made. but all have to face sooner or later. and wo e somewhere on the other side of the big fence that we can neither see through nor over. bro en only by a few audible curses from those who had bac ed the horse. and personal combats between us and the drovers. having solved the mystery to his own satisfaction. and bad language. which now appears to me hardly worth studying. "I now how it was--there couldn't have been any dead man in that hearse!" And so. There was no hope from the first. and earned it. and vice versa. and there was silence in the stand.At the last stride he seemed to falter. Mary. whom we loo ed upon as natural enemies. quite clear and loud. At last. "Loo out there--give me room!" and again wandered off: "Five-and-twenty pounds. lay very still awhile. By law sheep must travel six miles per day. belonging to an absentee syndicate. in a tone of satisfaction. or from the plains to the tablelands. And "Mary" was sobbing beside the bed. in most instances. For assistants. and therefore run in most niggardly style. cursing the fence and the money that had fetched him to grief. but old Sandy was always ready for them. for so much depends on luc that a man with a head as long as a horse's has little better chance than the fool just imported. and pic up a feed. he said. and they must eep within half a mile of the road. stri ing it with his chest and turning right over it. he again drifted away into unconsciousness. we such hapless wretches as did venture through Buc along used to try hard to stray from the road We ept all the grass near the road eaten bare. 12 December 1896 WHITE-WHEN-HE'S-WANTED Buc along was a big freehold of some 80. This bred feuds. This constituted the whole station staff. Great mobs of travelling sheep constantly passed through the run. he had half-a-dozen of us--jac aroos and colonial experiencers--who got nothing a year. The Bulletin. who had so often faced death for two pounds. then plunged right in to the fence. eating up the grass and vexing the soul of the manager. The gay sil s and colours were all mud-spattered and bloodstained as the limp form was carefully ta en out and laid on a stretcher while a doctor examined the crushed ribs. My poor friend. We had. A crowd clustered round and hid horse and rider from view. There was a manager on two hundred pounds a year. Besides the manager and the jac eroos. Sandy McGregor to wit--a hard-headed old Scotchman nown as "four-eyed McGregor". because he wore spectacles. Then the men who came through with mobs of cattle used                                                           .000 acres. there were a few boundary riders to prowl round the fences of the vast paddoc s. landing on his unfortunate rider.

to pull down the paddoc fences at night. at dinner. square hips." Such being his views on horseflesh and drovers. an' wheerfore should they stawp me to buy horses? It's 'Mister McGregor. the coo came in to say there was a "drover chap outside wanted the boss to come and have a loo at a horse". Had it not been for that indefinable self-reliant loo which drovers--the Ishmaels of the bush--always acquire. He had a big scar on his face. one might have ta en him for a swagman." said McGregor. "Have ye the fever on ye still?"                                                             . It is only the rowdy and the town-bushy that is fluent of speech. attributed the trespass to accident-bro en rails." said the drover. ran his hand lightly over the hard legs and opened the passive creature's mouth. According to him. any day. the rest hidden beneath a wealth of loose hair. and so on--and sometimes they tried to rescue the cattle." said McGregor. He loo ed li e "a good journey horse". will ye purrchase a horrse?' Let them wait till I as them to come wi' theer horrses. What's been the matter?" "Been sic with fever--Queensland fever. li e." "Aye". and a great length of rein. Obviously. horse-stealin'. Besides having a particular aversion to drovers. He hated any man who wanted to sell him a horse. as real bushmen generally are. an absolute "mo e". we felt no little excitement when one Sunday. old McGregor had a general "down" on the young "colonials". "Good morning. "Ye seem a bit oot o' luc . The man was monosyllabic to a degree. beneath the acacia trees in the yard. a native would sooner wor a horse to death than wor for a living. pitifully poor and very footsore--at first sight. and McGregor loo ed at the pony with a businessli e don't-thin -much-of-him air. McGregor simmered awhile. horse-dealin'. "Mornin'. and slip the cattle in for refreshments. Then he turned to the drover. which again bred strife and police court summonses. A ragged. We gathered round while McGregor questioned the drover. and seemed poverty-stric en enough to disarm hostility. and muttered something about the "Sawbath day". "H'm. The drovers. with clothes ragged and boots bro en. He loo ed very thin and sic ly. un empt pony. possibly something better. boss. but at last he went out.m. Just come through from the north. apparently the result of collision with a tree. I was there mysel'. "As ah wal the street." he said. "the fol disna stawp me to buy claes nor shoon. he was "down on his luc ". Been out on the Diamantina last. and then off they went to Buc along pound." "Aye. crawlin' lot o' wretches". shortly. and we filed after him to see the fun. Ye're thin. His horse was in much the same plight. but old Sandy often turned out at 2 or 3 a." he used to say. to catch a big mob of bulloc s in the horse paddoc . The drover stood by the side of his horse. "Is this the horrse ye have for sale?" "Yes. but a second glance showed colossal round ribs. whom he comprehensively described as a "fec less. as in duty bound.

leaving him only by degrees. and a camp horse would be about as much use to us as side poc ets to a pig. and his heart (I can see it all now) went out to the man who brought the old days bac to him. ye en. nor lived the roving life of the over-landers. McGregor had done all this. and sweat its victim. If he stays. wi'oot some of these lads wad li e to try theer han' cuttin' oot the mil ers' cawves frae their mithers."                                     . were given in." said the drover. Sellin' him now to get the money to go home. We spent our time crawling after sheep. and there was a slight change in his voice as he went on with the palaver." "Is he a good horse on a camp?" as ed McGregor." said the drover." And the old man laughed contemptuously. This was agreed to. "You can chuc the reins on his nec . I wouldn't sell him. Too sic to care about ridin'. nor sha en and shivered with the fever. "Rec on he's worth fifteen notes. agreed to give the price. sha e."Yes--goin' home to get rid of it. while a wan smile flitted over his yellow-grey features. "I've rode him far enough. "we hae'na much use for a camp horrse here. Queensland fever will pull a man down from fifteen stone to nine stone faster. if he moves to a better climate." he said. and the drover was sent off to get   "No better camp horse in Queensland. "Ah. I've rode that horse a thousand miles. "An' what'll ye be wantin' for him?" as ed McGregor. both grand specimens of ancient art." "How will ye get to Monaro if ye sell the horrse?" "Coach and rail. Perhaps the fever-rac ed drover and the old camp horse appealed to him in a way to us incomprehensible. but McGregor. while we felt humbled and depraved in the eyes of the man from far bac . than any system of dosing yet invented. only I'm a bit hard up." "How old is he?" "Seven. and we couldn't understand how it was that he too so much interest in him. We thought the negotiations would close abruptly. Our estimates had varied between thirty shillings and a fiver. and coming bac at regular intervals to rac . but he can carry it with him wherever he goes. burn. This fairly staggered us. and with greater certainty. We had expected Sandy to rush the fellow off the place at once. an' he'll cut out a beast by himself. McGregor's action in this matter puzzled us. often wearing its patient out at the same time. after a little more examination. it will sap all his strength and pull him to pieces. McGregor had been through the experience. We had never been on the Queensland cattle camps. the malady moves with him." It should be explained that a man can only get Queensland fever in a malarial district. "Where are ye ma in' for the noo?" "Monaro--my people live in Monaro." said the drover. provided the saddle and bridle. Gradually it wears itself out. weel.

For a while he was a sort of pariah. and by the time they had thrown half the crac riders on the station. White-when-he's-wanted didn't seem much of an acquisition. hotly. and bring them in triumph to the homestead. by degrees. The one he said was white when he was wanted. and repeated. as he was going away." and with this parting shot the old man turned into the house. they would be mar etable (and no great bargains) at about thirty shillings a head. He used to yard the horses. the horse happened to be in the yard. and so rough that it would ma e a man's nose bleed to ride him more than a mile. Then. "Yes. and. "Blac McCarthy". He really was lazy and rough. "Verra weel. "The mon is verra hard up. After a wee 's experience of "White". and we all decided that Billy's opinion of him was correct." We didn't trouble to give the new horse a name. "ye can just ta ' one of the young horrses in yon paddoc . the drover got a crisp-loo ing cheque and departed by coach. we would capture three or four brumbies. but. after nearly galloping to death half a dozen good horses." McGregor heard this complaint. And so.                                                       . it's yer ain fault." said the boss. he's white when he's wanted. bro en all the bridles." And so. rolled on all the saddles and ic ed all the dogs. said "D'yer mean the new new horse or the old 'new horse'?" "No. spea ing slowly and aw wardly. an it's a sair thing that Queensland fever." said he. Ye're a cattle man--so ye say--dommed if ah believe it. But we new that there was a soft spot in his heart somewhere. and at last settled down to the definite name of "White-when-he's-wanted". Mr Billy. one of the hands being told to ta e the new horse." said the drover. These we would brea in. Mr Billy. "not the new horse--that bay horse we bought from the drover. next morning. "Tom Devine". until the day came to ma e one of our periodical raids on the wild horses in the hills at the bac of the run. and hunt travelling sheep through the run. the animal came to be referred to as the horse that's white when he's wanted. and "Bay McCarthy" were amongst the appellations of our horses at that time. "He ain't much to loo at. Every now and again we formed parties to run in some of these animals. the man of few words lent down from the box and nodded impressively." And just before the coach rattled off. and he went over to the old comrade that had carried him so many miles." was the only remar that McGregor made. "the Regan mare". Mony's the time ye never rode buc jumpers. an' if he buc s wi' ye. He was sent out to do slavery for Greenhide Billy. fetch up the cows. an' ills ye. when he's wanted. "The boss must have been off his head to give fifteen notes for such a cow. a boundary rider who plumed himself on having once been a cattle man. Ye don't now neither horrse nor cattle. Billy came in to the homestead disgusted--the pony was so lazy that he had to build a fire under him to get him to move.his meals in the hut before leaving by the coach. Station horses are generally called after the man from whom they are bought. we simply called the animal "the new horse" until a still newer horse was one day acquired. "but he's white. and laid a hand on his nec . Ah believe ye're a dairy farmin' body frae Illawarra. As we didn't now the drover's name. He said no word while the cheque was being written. and White-when-he's-wanted came bac to the head station.

But when he heard the rush of the brumbies' feet in the scrub. that little bay horse that I rode after the brumbies that time. and we never saw him again. and fed up beforehand. and always lazy. any animal in the bush that we li ed to put him after--wild horses. All the crac nags were got as fit as possible. from range to range. A little drover fellow had him. He ran the mob from hill to hill. was given a wee 's hard feed and lent to a harum-scarum fellow from the upper Murray who happened to be wor ing in a survey camp on the run. And then one day he disappeared from the paddoc . but White-when-he's-wanted was with the quarry from end to end of the run. and only the seasoned veterans of the mob were left. How he did open our eyes. dingoes. or will ever again cross the bac of "White-when-he's-wanted". and. emus. with a big scar across his forehead. He told us the usual string of bac bloc lies. but. but we heard nothing of him for about a year. Nearly every Sunday we were after the brumbies until they got as lean as greyhounds and as cunning as policemen." "The deuce you did! Are you sure? Who had him?" "Sure? I'd swear to him anywhere. he became frantic with excitement. and the fame of White-when-he's-wanted was speedily noised abroad. as we new also that there were plenty more who would "inform" for a pound or two. We were always ready to bac White-when-he's-wanted to run down single handed. The mares and foals dropped out. Most of our horses caved in altogether. and all the time White-when-he's-wanted was on the wing of the mob." And then there was a chorus about the thief getting seven years. pulling double. Came from Monaro way. wild cattle. doing double his share. being in good trim. angaroo rats--we barred nothing. and we were very een on it. He could race over the roughest ground without misplacing a hoof or altering his stride. through hop scrub and stringybar ridges.Yet there is no sport in the world to be mentioned in the same volume as "running horses". But he hasn't so far. Then the surveyor's assistant turned up again after a trip to the interior. angaroos. always ready to lie down and roll. and then wound up by saying that out on the very fringe of settlement he had met an old acquaintance. "Who was that?" "Why. The one you called White-when-he's-wanted. as the Queen's warrant doesn't run much out west of Boulia. always hungry. across open country and bac again to the hills. and on this particular occasion White-when-he's-wanted. he simply smothered them for pace and slowed them into the wings before they new where they were. and at the finish. We offered good rewards and set some of the right sort to wor . He was always fit for wor . and he could sail over fallen timber and across gullies li e a angaroo. then the colts and young stoc pulled up deadbeat. we were sure that it could not have been the local "talent" who had ta en him. he would outlast them. when a chance offered to wheel them into the trap yard. He said he bought the horse from you for fifteen notes. one or two were ept in the hunt by judicious nursing and shir ing the wor . if he couldn't beat them for pace. Such a capture had not fallen to our lot for many a day.                                                       . A little fellow. We new there were plenty of men in the district who would steal him. it is not at all li ely that any of us will ever see the drover again. for. somewhere. over flats and gullies.

it astonished those toffs. what do you thin he did! Why. and Jim pic ed up a few quid jumpin' 'em easy. &c. and when Jim saw what was the other side. a man can't get no sort of fair play at all.The Bulletin. and they said because he jumped better style than the pony. for he had set the pony going. lists of precedence. and once that pony went at a fence you couldn't stop him with a bloc and tac le. but that was nothin' to--hello. 12 December 1896 BILL AND JIM NEARLY GET TAKEN DOWN "You SEE. that was li e drin in' tea to the pony. And even then they wouldn't give us the prize--a man can't ever get fair play at a country show. never lays a toe on it. But what I wanted to tell you about was the way we almost got too down afterwards. and there was a great gully the other side a hundred feet deep and all roc s and stones. Did you say Jim must have been a good rider--well. and the bigger the better. he turned the pony round in the air. and in the high jump our pony jumped seven foot. You see. A waste-paper bas et full of K. 'I'll bet you a fiver your horse won't get over that one safely. and Jim. of course. By gum. and came bac again to the same side he started from! My oath. and they gave the prize to Spondulix that only jumped six foot ten. he offered to fight as many of the stooards as could get into a room with him. We as ed the stooards why the prize was give to Spondulix. &c. "me and Jim was down at Buc atowndown show with that jumpin' pony Jim has. it was a near thing! "We went down from the show to the pub. and he rides the pony at it without saddle or bridle. cablegrams. of course. they thought they would ta e us down about getting over safely. but we new the pony could do it all right. 'Put the bar up to seven foot six.G. I must be off. but they had to pay up because he went over the fence and bac again as safe as a church. So long!" The Bulletin. So I yelled out at Jim to stop." said Bill reflectively. And we offered to jump Spondulix for a hundred quid any time. So Jim he ups and whips the saddle and bridle off the pony. You now what these country shows are. as we sat on the rails of the horse yard. programmes of amusements.' he says. for most of the fences weren't no more than six foot six high and. I runs up to the fence and pulls myself up with my hands and loo s over.M. ribbons and orders stands                                     . not too bad. and there was a lot o' toffs at the pub was bettin' Jim a pound here and a pound there that he wouldn't ride the pony at this fence and at that fence. And the pony rose over the fence. 3 April 1897 PREPARING FOR PREMIERS SCENE: Office of High Official in charge of Colonial affairs in London. And I went to the stooards and I offered to bac the pony to run any horse on the ground two miles over as many fences as they could put up in the distance. and he says to the cove at the jump.' Well. and Jim wheels round to go at it. it was this way.. but it was too late. And at last one cove he points to a big palin' fence. and he says. And just as he sails at it. and Spondulix was frighted to come at it. and over he goes.C. being seven feet solid palin's. here comes the boss. High Official discovered glaring at table covered with lists of visiting potentates. it was a fair-sized fence.

You'll get me into nice trouble. perhaps it was. Send for a cler that nows about it. On the table a handbag full of Privy Councillorships. but I thin it was Gibbs. meanwhile. Now. we'll have a go at this list of precedence. How should I now one beastly cler from another?" HIGH OFFICIAL: "Well. and. High Official rings bell angrily. How should I now? I suppose he is. There's Queensland." TIRED YOUTH: "Dibbs. are the whole population Premiers over there? There's not seven places for them to be Premiers of! You must have made a mista e. a very tired-loo ing youth. my brother-in-law. orang-outang of a man about seven feet high. this is a nice state of things. who is there? There's the Indian Viceroy. HIGH OFFICIAL: "Loo here. And then there's the chappie from China. for goodness sa e send someone here that does now. I'm only just bac from Monte Carlo. New South Wales. the Honourable Somebody. and the Premier of Canada--we now all about them. he's all right. How are you going to identify 'em when they come? There's one fellow I could swear to. Anyhow. how the devil do you ma e seven out of that?" TIRED YOUTH: "I don't now. have you got a list of the people we are responsible for?" TIRED YOUTH: "Ya-a-as." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Well." HIGH OFFICIAL (at his wits' end): "Well. and returns to table to loo over list of precedence. I suppose--Premier of South Australia and Premier of North Australia--eh? there must be a North Australia if there's a South Australia! Where's your list--how many are there?" TIRED YOUTH: "There's seven. Victoria. and I've got to set to wor and clear up all this business. South Australia and West Australia. Always reminded me of money. I'll swear to him anywhere." (Tired youth rings bell for cler . anyhow--a big. Seven! There must be two frauds among 'em. or something li e that. Get the map!" (They get the map and pore over it discontentedly. But what about these Australian brutes? How many are there? Two. What was his name again? Gibbs or Gibson.by the table. Nice we'll loo if we let two infernal pic poc ets loose among those Indian Rajahs all over diamonds.)                                                           . of course." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Well. I now. hairy. which I don't believe. is he coming?" TIRED YOUTH: "I don't now. He was here before." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Seven! Good God. you must find out. even if each place has a Premier. going on li e this. One of the cler s made out the beastly list. I thin . To him enters subordinate official.) HIGH OFFICIAL (triumphantly): "There you are! What did I tell you! There's only five colonies. Now." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Which cler ?" TIRED YOUTH: "I don't now.

when he was in office. sir. We've got orders from headquarters to soap these confounded self-governing colonies all we can. H. hairy man. Premier of New South Wales. I met Gibbs often. long. the Indians will stic 'em in the bac with a tulwar." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Let's have a loo . There's a cler (Enter cler . This is a fraud. So far. literal accuracy. Reid. with a bomb in his trousers poc et. my Lord!" HIGH OFFICIAL (to Tired Youth): "See! He's made the same mista e you did." CLERK: "There has been a change of Ministry. or something. my Lord." HIGH OFFICIAL (angrily): "There you go again! I tell you a man named Gibbs is Premier of New South Wales--great. African. this place appears to be mostly Premiers. that loo s li e a tallow-merchant?" CLERK: "The Hon. the truth's this. there are only five colonies in Australia? Loo at the map. and this is the present Premier. and Titmarsh can ta e all the blame if it goes wrong."                                 . my Lord. bald-headed man. is there any table of precedence in the office?" CLERK: "Yes. and which last? Have you any idea?" HIGH OFFICIAL: "Loo here. and Crown colonies' lot. Now there's another thing. quite different from this fellow. Seven. but there's a Premier of Tasmania and a Premier of New Zealand. Now. But." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Than God! Who made it out?" CLERK: "Lord Titmarsh.) nows all these things. China. if we send their Premiers in to a function before the Indian Princes--my goodness. G. How many Premiers are coming from Australia?" CLERK: "Seven.HIGH OFFICIAL: "See here. my Lord. my Lord. my Lord. Which is to come first. sir." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Oh. so good. you understand--and I'll ta e all the credit if it goes right. and a private and confidential cipher report from the Governor of each colony as to their political leanings. Who's this fat. I'll ta e my oath." CLERK: "Yes. Straits Settlement. indeed!" (To Cler ): "Do you now." HIGH OFFICIAL: "Bless him and praise him! See that it is followed with literal accuracy. If I wasn't here to loo after you fellows you'd run the empire to the devil. what do you now about 'em? How are you going to be sure that some fraud doesn't pass himself off as a Premier--some anarchist."                 TIRED YOUTH: "I don't now. good gracious! They say America is mostly colonels. Don't he loo it--loo at his face. Then there's the Indian. all jowl and jelly. and blow us all ite-high?" CLERK: "We have photographs of them all.

HIGH OFFICIAL: "Well, he's not much to loo at, anyhow. What does his Governor say about him? Who is his Governor, anyhow? Hampden--Oh, I was in the House with Hampden. Dry sort of fellow, not such a fool as he loo ed. What does he say about him? Let's have a loo . (Reads report mumblingly.) Truc les to Labor Party...time server...not last long... change may be for the worse...no force of character...afraid of the Labor Party...dare not ta e K.C.M.G...better be bought with a P.C.-ship. I li e that--a P.C.-ship indeed for a ruffian li e this--an anarchist without the courage of his villainy. We bought Gibbs with a K.C.M.G. Let this ruffian have a K.C.M.G. or nothing." TIRED YOUTH (wa ing to interest in proceedings): "I read those reports. There's one chappie there rather a good sort. All the rest are awful rotters. Read his report. Nelson I thin was the name." (High Official mumbles over Nelson's report.) "Fights Labor Party. . . fearless...can't last long . . . has wor ed well for Imperialistic ideas ... very courageous man ... will support Anglo-Japanese treaty. Ah! that's the sort of man. What's he to get?" TIRED YOUTH: "Headquarters say they are all to get P.C.-ships." HIGH OFFICIAL: "All! Good heavens. Well, if we can't degrade that man Reid in any way, see that he gets the suite of rooms in the worst part of the hotel, and give him a hard seat at all functions. And, by the by, what about ta ing them round? Who's to do it? You'll have to do it: I've got the Canadian and Indian lot to loo after." TIRED YOUTH: "Oh, I'll send one of the cler s and get them tic ets for everything that is going in the way of concerts and public receptions and so on. I suppose they can't go to anything really select." HIGH OFFICIAL (very slowly and deliberately): "I should thin not. Ta e 'em to the British Museum and the waxwor s, and see that the name of some unattached lord or other is always associated with theirs. It will be put in their cables, and help to damn Reid in the eyes of his friends--and that's about all, isn't it?" TIRED YOUTH: "And supposing they ic up a row, don't you now, if they're not as ed to any of the really swaggah things?" HIGH OFFICIAL: "My dear boy, if they try anything of that sort on, have them bayoneted by the soldiers the moment they show their noses at the gate. Fill up these P.C. forms, and see that you don't fill 'em up wrong. And now I'm off to the Club. Just be decently civil to these people, but don't go too far, because, you now, by this time next year they will probably be bac in their shops selling sugar--I'm certain that man Reid sells sugar, by the loo of him. Au revoir!" Cable item: All preparations have been made for the reception of the Australian Premiers in London, and they will be the principal items of the Jubilee. The Bulletin, 17 July 1897
























The latest edition to Australian literature comes to us in the form of a volume entitled, Where the Dead Men Lie and Other Poems, by Barcroft Henry Boa e, published by Messrs Angus and Robertson of Sydney. The boo comprises about thirty short pieces of verse, and a memoir of the life of the writer, containing extracts from letters written by Boa e at various periods of his career and various details of his life, supplied by friends. Before dealing with Boa e's wor , it is advisable to glance at the memoir and see by what manner of man, and under what circumstances that wor was done. Boa e's letters show us his temperament--very variable, as the artistic temperament always is, but on the whole despondent and sensitive; and it is no wonder that his hard life--that of a surveyor's assistant and drover, spent among the rugged mountains of Kiandra, and the plains and sandhills of the far west--in time wor ed on that temperament, till, in a fit of depression, he committed suicide. The bush is not a good home for melancholiacs. In the long days in the saddle, and the silent lonely watches by the camp fire, queer impulses and thoughts come to a man. Life, human and otherwise, seems of so little account in the bush. Where the sheep and cattle perish by hundreds in hopeless misery, where accident and sic ness lie in wait for the strong man, it is not wonderful that a man of morbid temperament at last regards his life as a matter of little value, and ends it on slight provocation. And yet Boa e loved the bush, and when in good spirits could appreciate it to the full. He says, "I might have been jogging along in monotonous respectability as a civil servant: but they don't live, these men, they only vegetate. We have a pleasure and excitement in our wor that they never feel." In another letter he gives the following beautiful pen picture of cattle in camp: "There is pleasure in the dead of night to find yourself alone with the cattle; all the camp asleep, perhaps, only a red spar beto ening the camp. I always, when I thin of it, find something unearthly in this assemblage of huge animals, ready at any moment to burst forth li e a pent-up torrent, and equally irresistible in their force. When every beast is down, asleep or resting, just pull up and listen. You will hear a low, moaning sound, rising to a roar, then subsiding to a murmur, li e a distant surf--or, as I fancy, the cry of the damned in Dante's Inferno. When the cattle are li e that, it is a good sign. But in the moonlight, this strange noise, the dar mass of cattle with the occasional flash of an, eye, or a polished horn catching the light, it always conjures up strange feelings in me; I seem to be in some other world. If I could only write it, there is a poem to be made out of the bac country. Some man will come yet who will be able to grasp the romance of western Queensland, and all that equally mysterious country in central and northern Australia. For there is a romance, though a grim one--a story of drought and flood, fever and famine, murder and suicide, courage and endurance." This letter was written before Boa e had done any noticeable literary wor ; later on he himself, in the poem, "Where the Dead Men Lie", wrote the romance of that "mysterious country" in lines that simply startle the reader with their vivid word painting and depth of feeling. Such, then, was the author of this boo --a moody, thoughtful, despondent man, moving among the solitudes of the Australian bush, feeling to the full at once their eerie charm and their grim desolation. This appreciation of the romance of the bush is not a rare gift, though, strangely enough, the man who could have made best use of it, Henry Lawson, seems to be absolutely without it. Most bushmen feel the influence of the intense stillness of a night out on the plains when the






















tropical stars blaze overhead, and the dimly seen clumps of saltbush and low scrub loo li e the encampment of a mighty army; but to very few is it given to express their feelings in such words as came with the poetic inspiration to Barcroft Henry Boa e. It is necessary to say "with the poetic inspiration", because without it Boa e san to a very medium level. In fact, his wor is so uneven that on reading over the various pieces, it would be difficult to believe that they are all one man's wor , if one did not fully realise that in his best pieces the spirit of the bush too hold of him, and he spo e as one possessed. In his uninspired wor he was rather a poor literary craftsman, writing without any of the vigour and dash that might have atoned for other shortcomings. For instance, what could be feebler than such wor as this: How well I remember the Fifth of November, When Jac and his little mare Vanity fell; On the Diamantina there never was seen a Pair who could out a beast half as well. Or this again: He as s if I new little Poll! Why, I missed her As often, I rec on, as old Mother Brown, When they lived at the Flats, and old Sam went a burster In Chinaman's Gully, and dropped every crown. The boo abounds in narrative verse dealing with bush incidents; but as a rule this wor is flat, dull, and unprofitable. The two examples given above are, perhaps, of the worst; but in very few of the narrative pieces do any thrilling or dashing lines occur. It is strange that an excitable, emotional man, as Boa e evidently was, should have failed to convey any excitement or emotion in such verses. For instance, here is a description of how a child rode a racehorse: Oh! Gaylad was a beauty, For he new and did his duty, Though his reins were flying loosely, strange to say, he never fell: But he held himself together, For his weight was but a feather Bob Murphy when he saw him, murmured something li e, "Oh, Hell!" Very much better in style are "Featherstonhaugh" and "Jac Corrigan", in both of which pieces some really spirited lines occur, and a fairly high level is maintained throughout; but as a whole, the narrative verse, of which the bul of the boo consists, is not by any means good, though there is one notable exception, "'Twixt the Wings of the Yard", mentioned hereafter. Of purely imaginative verse there is little. "A Song" contains some pretty, though not very new lines: She lay and laughed on a lazy billow, Far away on the deep, Who had gathered the froth for my lady's pillow, Gathered a spar ling heap. And the ocean's cry was the lullaby That cradled my love to sleep. In the verses, "A Wayside Queen", there occur some beautiful lines recalling Swinburne:






















She is sweet as white peppermint flowers, And harsh as red gum when it drips From the heart of a hardwood, that towers Straight up: she hath marvellous powers To draw a man's soul through his lips With a iss li e the stinging of whips. Once only does our writer drop into humour, and in the story of Josephus Riley, from the "North Countree", he has told the history of a bush jo e in such splendid style that one wisheshe had more often risen from the depths of his narrative verse, or descended from the heights he had more often risen from the depths of his narrative verse, or descended from the heights of his true poems, and written a little more of this ind of thing. It is not a very high classof verse, but if it is well done, it is better than bad description and unpathetical pathos. He of verse, but if it is well done, it is better than bad description and unpathetical pathos. Hetells us how tells us how The rum was rich and rare, There were wagers in the air, The atmosphere was rosy and the tongues were wagging free; But one was in the revel, Whose occiput was level Plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree. The conversation's flow Was not devoid of blow, And neither was it wanting in the mild, colloquial D. With a most ingenious smile: "This here is not my style," Said plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree. "And I wouldn't be averse To emptying my purse, And laying some small wager with the present companee. To cut the matter short, Foot-racing is my forte," Said plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree. Josephus bac ed himself to run 300 yards against a horse whose rider had to drin a cup of tea before starting; but how Josephus won it the reader should find out for himself. The really first-class wor in the boo consists of three pieces, "'Twixt the Wings of the Yard", "At the J.C.", and "Where the Dead Men Lie". The first is a wonderfully vivid and swinging description of a mob of cattle crowding their way into a stoc yard. Every incident is true to nature, and thoroughly well told. Hear the loud swell of it, mighty pell-mell of it, Thousands of voices all blent into one. See hell-for-leather now, trooping together now, Down the long slope of the range at a run. Dust in the wa e of 'em, see the wild brea of 'em, Spearhorned and curly, red, spotted and starred. See the lads bringing 'em, bloc ing 'em, ringing 'em, Fetching 'em up to the wings of the yard. That is a splendid description of the din and tumult of a big mob of











mar where he Lay dying slowly. This is fine verse. the sense of loneliness that weighs upon the heart of the traveller. can wa e their sleeping.. Out where the dead men lie. There where the heatwaves dance for ever.".C. That's where the dead men lie. sweeping Feverish pinions. Two letters. raging and crush of 'em. Where brown summer and death have mated. None ever new his name. wind across the grave. Out on the wastes of the Never Never. Under the saltbush. Two letters of a prayer-God's Son's initials. Now death has bid him cease Peregrination? Now. See when they struc . and Turbulent tal 'twixt the wings of the yard. These are some of the verses. J. Loving with fiery lust unsated. and in the final poem. Out where the wild dogs chorus nightly. Were Fate and he at war? Was it a penance. Drearily whistles. is a poem founded on the discovery of a dead man in the bush.                   .cattle. Only upon that tree. will appreciate this poem. "At the J. It embodies graves by the wayside where men have died of thirst. Two silent ciphers stare. Stirring those branches where. how the corner post jarred. That's where the dead men lie. or one of shame. What a mad chasing. It embodies in a marvellous way the whole soul and feeling of that lonely land. High-born or lowly. and racing. and C. will appreciate this poem. the writer reaches his highest level. Honoured. "Where the Dead Men Lie". Tuning a sultry stave. That's where the earth's loved sons are eeping Endless tryst. and wheeling. Out where the grinning s ulls bleach whitely. or Renunciation? Is it a glad release? Has he at length found peace. That's where the dead men lie. spar ling brightly. Not the west wind. and remembers the occasional rude of loneliness that weighs upon the heart of the traveller. and remembers the occasional rudegraves by the wayside where men have died of thirst. Carved by him. Read this also: Watch the mad rush of 'em. That's where the dead men lie. Everyone who nows the desolation of the central Australian country.

Far in the north of Australia lies a little. thin s of establishing an Imperial naval station at Port Darwin. That's when the dead men fly! Only the frightened cattle see them-See the dead men go by! Cloven hoofs beating out one measure. Hearing the dead men cry. The Review of Reviews. and embodies it in words of marvellous beauty and power. H. but the illustrations lose much of their value by being so reduced in size that all detail is lost. That's when the dead men ta e their pleasure. it is said. province. The decline and fall of the British Empire will date from the day that Britannia starts to mon ey with the Northern Territory. This vast possession. handed over to the Adelaide fol to manage and wor for their own loss. the never-sleeping drover: He sees the dead pass by. after swallowing two and a half millions of Government money. stealing. The death of such a man is a loss to our scanty roll of writers. Stephens. Boa e has "grasped the romance of the mysterious country". PADDY CAHILL. and Mr W. Bidding the stoc man now no leisure. a vast half-finished sort of region. What Boa e might have done. too. That's when the dead men fly! As . pealing. a part of the S. is not. he produced this poem and at least three others of more than average merit. It is a Crown possession. Year after year the South Australians have swallowed the same old wheeze                                             . Hearing them call to their friends--the plover. had he lived.That's where the dead men lie. But let Britain beware! The Northern Territory has "bro e" everybody that ever touched it in any shape or form. and it will brea Britain if she meddles with it. In this poem. Hearing their laughter pealing. The fact remains that in the short space of eighteen months. Ogilvie furnishes a set of introductory verses of considerable merit. And still. The boo is well got up. and for years they have poured their capital li e water into this huge sin . to use his own words. Round where the cattle lie. Watching their grey forms wheeling. AND THE G. strictly spea ing. G. and Heaven only nows how much private capital. Only the hands of Night can free them.nown land.R. wheeling. and is admirably illustrated by local artists. 15 September 1897 THE CYCLOON. This is the Northern Territory of South Australia. the place is steadily going seventy thousand a year to the bad. wherein Nature has been apparently practising how to ma e better places. while turning out a lot of hac wor . Britain. is a matter for conjecture. Seeing their faces stealing.A. The "Memoir of Boa e's Life" is compiled by Mr A. which extends halfway down the continent of Australia.

In Japtown (the Easterner's quarters) Chinese children by the dozen play about all day long in the dusty streets. pretty well ma e up the white population of a place upon which the Government has nevertheless squandered money madly. that had just been erected. and brindled vagrants moving bac wards and forwards with the tide. inasmuch as it is filled with the boilings over of the great cauldron of Oriental humanity. when the Palmerstonians want to gamble at the annual races they do it by Calcutta sweeps. an event which would at once be followed by an influx of cheap Asiatics from Britain's Eastern possessions. fifty pearling tuggers go out every tide. There is an Eastern flavour over every-thing. the little tin-pot railway to Pine Cree cost a million and doesn't pay wor ing expenses. Private enterprise. all sorts and conditions of men. but the man who tried to hustle Palmerston would get a nife in him quic and lively. Portuguese from adjacent Timor.") officials.'s resumption as a Crown colony. in all conscience. Parlia-ment tal s of spending nine millions in prolonging this useless railway down the centre of the continent. Manilamen. In the Territory everything good is always going to happen after the wet season. It is there still. the Government Resident (always referred to as "the G. As for the trifle of two and a half millions that they owe. with a publican or two. Palmerston is supported by the pearlers. and would gladly cut loose from South Australia to get them. and the Singapore cable which there leaves Australia. and many other "big" men of                                           . an Eastern form of betting little nown or practised elsewhere in Australia. in fact. notwithstanding that it is breeding its own Chin y fast enough. The Chow and the Jap and the Malay consider themselves quite as good as any alleged white man. Zanzibar niggers loo ing for billets as sto ers. the buffalo shooter. Kipling tells what befell the man who "tried to hustle the East". the Territory itself is now clamouring for the introduction of the cheap and nasty Chow. The Overland Telegraph ends at Palmerston and employs a large staff nown as the O. carrying seven hands each. and have hung on pluc ily. brown. a couple of lawyers. in the hope of one day getting some of their money bac --and possibly also in the fear of the N.000 and ere it was well finished the teredo had eaten the piles away. Also. practically all coloured men--350 yellow. The capital of the Northern Territory is Palmerston on Port Darwin.T. fell into the water with a mighty splash. if at all. a harbour little. they would attend to that small matter after the wet season. There's a curse on all N. Here are gathered together Canton coolies. These. The Territory people want more Chows. Dr Brown. Cingalese.A.T. as represented by Fisher and Lyons. but they will get it out "after the wet season". also employs a large staff of British and Australasian Telegraph ("B. and a gigantic crane.R. and the Government officials."). there are stores of every ind in Japtown. a doctor. the gold mines. frail (but not fair) damsels from Kobe. And more boats building and more brindle-coloured Japanese arriving every month. Palmerston is unique among Australian towns. And. men. hundreds of Chinese fossic about the old alluvial claims. and yet S. revelling in the heat. underta ings. Japanese pearl divers. customs and railway officials and Paddy Cahill. To supply the needs of all these. Here comes the vagrant and shifting population of all the Eastern races.T. a few store eepers.A. Malays. and the store eepers all deal with the East for their supplies.T. The huge jetty cost £70. inferior to Port Jac son. gaily dressed cheerful little barbarians. The gold-fields are all wor ed by Chinese labour.about the immense undeveloped resources of "our magnificent Northern Territory".

the cattle are unsaleable. But subdivide and water as they li e. he would not dig it out. starting from that safe basis. Sugar planting and quinine planting have failed. They don't 'elp a man to do nothin' here. Waiting--always waiting.000 worth of Chinese gold mine and apparently not li ely to pay interest on even that modest capital.R. Another buoy got adrift from a dangerous reef. the pushing men have departed. and. The gold mines were rich down to water level. "I'd sooner be in W. a ray of hope bro e the gloom when ruby-li e gems were discovered in the MacDonnell ranges. and watered the capital till it now stands at about £90. When some lepers were discovered at Palmerston once. There is always a wet season just past or coming. though. but no one does any wor in the Territory. The buoy was ta en out with great ceremony. would only let us have a Guv'ment battery we might get some stone out and have a crushin'. has poured into it hundreds of thousands of pounds in cattle stoc ing and so on. and as they lay about in any quantity it was thought for a while that the Territory was Saved. A lot of it isn't rebuilt yet.000 nominal value. which at their best are far more valuable than diamonds.the past. Out in the ranges are all sorts of prospectus claims--some of them good shows. and by the time it is dry they thin the next wet season might come early. If the G. and they--wait! The Government sent up a buoy to mar a dangerous reef. the second is the Government Resident (the G. and anchored over the reef. Supreme Court.A. the curse of the Territory was on those stones--the English experts on examination pronounced them no more than worthless natural simulacra of the ruby. A few mar et riggers bought a lot of mines from the Chinese for about £17. and the reef is unmar ed.000 and then subdivided these properties. on one feed a day than be on good gold here. in his own person. and now all the mining is surface. It is the land of Later On. because there are no mar ets. the blac s now hunt for wild goose eggs on the lagoons at Sergison's abandoned sugar plantation and the wild buffaloes wallow in the swamps below Beatrice Hills where the quinine was. A few three-bushel bags were hastily filled with "rubies" and sent to England. this buoy was cruising Vernon Straits for some time. Alas. and. If a Northern Territory man new that his mine was full of gold. If it is past. There is only one great landmar in Palmerston history--the cyclone which some years ago blew the town down. The old bris days have gone. and immediately san .R. he would "send it Home to float". but as soon as the tide went down (it falls 24 feet) the lepers calmly waded ashore and returned to town. and the lepers were landed there with great precaution. a leper station was formed at a little island in the harbour. No wonder they tal about him.). It is at the bottom of the sea now. He is an English barrister. they wait "till the ground dries". locally nown as "the cycloon" is one of the three topics of conversation in Palmerston. They put everything off till "after the wet season". discharges his varied duties with a light                                                 . and those who have stayed have got the white-ant in their systems. If no Chinaman came. Nobody bothered any more about them. Not a station in the Territory today would fetch at auction half the money it cost. Said one miner. Protector of Blac s. but no one fetched it bac . This atmospheric disturbance. and Police Magistrate. Once. What is there to show for it all? When not dead. Head of the Mining Jurisdiction. He would sit down and wait for a Chinaman to come along and ta e it on tribute. They didn't get it up again. not a mine in the Territory pay steady interest on its capital. that is the typical Northern Territory attitude. Good man for the position too as he doesn't care a damn for anybody." And there he sat waiting for a Government battery. These stones loo exactly li e rubies. they are still the same £17. but there the ore became refractory.

For instance.. to be bac once more with the B. The strangers within their gates never have a dull moment--nor a sober one--if the inhabitants can help it. The hordes of aliens that have accumulated are a menace to the rest of Australia. But it's all tal and drin . and Paddy Cahill and the G.R. Mines with rich ore--that it doesn't pay to treat.T. after all the hard things I have written about it. I would give "my weary soul" to be bac in Palmerston in that curious lu ewarm atmosphere and watch the white-sailed pearling boats beating out. the buffalo shooter. of Northern Territory life. They start drin ing square gin immediately after brea fast. the cycloon. very small and quiet.T. They don't do anything else to spea of. that they are Indian Brahmin cattle. the G. and blasphemy. yet they have a curious delusion that they are a very energetic and rec less set of people. This is locally nown as the "Dog Act" and to be brought under the Dog Act is a glorious distinction. up to now. that there are no buffaloes at all. and dressed in a towel and a diamond ring. Quantities of precious stones--that have no value. Palmerston is the city of booze. and worthless. blow. and the O. There is an Act compel-ling a publican to refuse drin to an habitual inebriate. they were all shot out long ago. stal ing emu-li e through the dwarfish crowd of Japs and Manilamen. but simply cattle gone wild. standing on his saddle.R. where no one can follow them. To sum up. many will tell you that the buffaloes are not real buffaloes at all. She has leagues and leagues of magnificent country--with no water.. but that they retreat to the dense jungles. a colossal failure. while the Cycloon hummed and buzzed on the horizon. 31 December 1898 BUFFALO SHOOTING IN AUSTRALIA Very few people in Australia now anything about the buffalo shooting to be had in that great tract of country to the north of South Australia nown as the Northern Territory. blue bulls at full gallop. and eep it up at intervals till midnight. and can only be captured by an expert swimmer.. that the buffaloes are in myriads. or riding home in the cool moonlight with the pac horses laden with hides. a sort of V. full of huge possibilities. but.A. Long may it wave! The Bulletin. and the pearling. or to be in the buffalo-camp with Rees and Martin. wild land. and Paddy Cahill! The inhabitants sit about the shady verandahs and drin . The third subject of discussion is Paddy Cahill. and yelling li e a wild Indian. and tal about one or all of these three. If you've heard the East a'callin' you don't never heed naught else. that they are land buffalo and                                                   . which does.T. And the man who once goes to the Territory always has a han ering to get bac there. shooting big. And. ran . and never leave the water. the white fol there are hospitable to a fault. The trinity of the N. Some day it will be civilised and spoilt.C. to see the giant form of Barney Flynn. but up to the present it has triumphantly overthrown all who have attempted to improve it. he is popularly reported to pursue the infuriated buffalo at full gallop. The pastoral industry and the mines are not paying. Miles and miles of splendidly watered country--where the grass is sour. the buffalo shooter.heart. Nevertheless. is getting too much into Jap hands. that they are water buffalo. the Northern Territory is a vast. It is still "the Territory". Many people profess to now all about it and are very free with most extraordinary information on the subject.

For three or four months of the year in the wet season the whole of the plains are under water. they being as big as haystac s. very little higher than sea level. The country is too sour and washy for cattle. Rudyard Kipling describes the wild buffalo as "the nastiest tempered animal in the jungle". while Lyde er's Natural History states that "buffaloes are by far the boldest and most savage of the Indian Bovidae. They are ungainly. that they are always shot from horsebac . They were brought from the island of Timor to the settlement on Melville Island about 1829. having a dull. and soon some of the dashing cattle men of the Territory too the matter up in earnest and started shooting from horsebac . This island is close to the northern shore of Australia. The place where they are found is a tract of coast country on the extreme northern shore of Australia. and to see what sport buffalo shooting could afford. Later on. bluish-coloured hide and enormous horns. water lilies. and a bull not infrequently attac s without provocation. They are almost hairless. but at last the shooters discovered that a bullet fired into the loins from above                                                  . At first the shooting was done on foot. reeds and bamboos. bamboos. It was some years before anyone discovered that their hides were of any value. They have little affinity to domestic cattle. as one cannot well miss them. Among these various statements one soon gets confused. Guthrie to ma e the closer acquaintance of these formidable animals. and the country given up to the buffaloes. too unprofitable. Both settlements were aban-doned and the buffaloes were left to their own devices and they ran wild. and reference to the literature on the subject does not ma e matters much more cheerful. and will not inter-breed with them.are shot on foot. They stand as high as a bulloc and are much more solid. A wounded animal of either sex often charges. I went to Port Darwin per s. Fortified and cheered by these assurances. that settlement was abandoned and a fresh settlement was made at Port Essington. being tremendously deep in the body and broad in the bac . The stoc men on the cattle camps used to see them wal right in among a mob of cattle. rushes. all come ali e to the buffaloes. on the mainland of Australia. reeds. It was ascertained that their s ins had a mar et value of about fifteen shillings for large hides. any ind of green thing--grass. which is the plan that now prevails. and too dangerous. savage-loo ing brutes. The country must have suited them. give a snort or two and a threatening sha e of their huge horns and stroll out again unconcerned. but this was found too slow. the buffaloes preferring that method.s. and at this settle-ment also a few pairs of buffaloes were introduced from Timor. and the hide is enormously thic . The Indian buffalo is the animal which is hunted in our Northern Territory. but these animals are just suited by it. and that the whole business is so rough and dangerous that no one but a lunatic would attempt it. They were then perfectly fearless of men or horses. with short powerful legs. as both on Melville Island and the mainland they increased at an amazing rate. and in this swamp and quagmire the buffaloes ma e their home. and a few men began to shoot them for the hides. They eat. and thrive on. and the Badminton Library of Sport states that a buffalo would "charge an elephant before or after being wounded". and has occasionally been nown to noc an elephant down". which then numbered thousands. covered with coarse jungle grass. even mangrove leaves. the cattle stations were abandoned. and are no sport at all. Later on. It was found that the strength of the buffaloes was so great and their vitality so wonderful that half a dozen bullets would not stop them. Here are vast rolling plains. and during those years they throve and multiplied unmolested. They are built very much li e pigs.

and the shooter races on after the flying herd. day or night. tea. and would ultimately escape. men who have been stoc men--bold. and it is marvellous become. if the shooters wished to get a living at the business. The blac gins do the coo ing. fearless riders. with any amount of nerve. the rest of the herd would be ma ing the best of their way to cover. and in the long jungle grass the s inners could not find the carcase. Thus there was evolved the present method of buffalo shooting. and. amid the swamps and reed beds. and firing at him if the men wish to get a living they how expert both men and horses Having dealt so far with the buffaloes. sugar. but all these places put together could not furnish enough mosquitoes to act as trumpeters for the vast mosquito army that every night spreads itself over the whole face of nature in the buffalo country. If the shot is properly placed. Usually a couple of men go into partnership as shooters. but always sleep out in the open themselves.would paralyse the hindquarters. as a rule. while a novice. I have seen and felt mosquitoes at Port Hac ing. races right alongside the buffalo and fires at full gallop. and cause the animal to drop in his trac s. and enlist all the able-bodied blac s of the tribe in their service.                                                   . as a regular part of their lives. The shooters are. ta ing his chance of the animal wheeling and attac ing him either before or after he fires. while the shooters were reloading to despatch a wounded animal. have to do it. may shoot eight or nine bullets into a buffalo without bringing him down. such as it is. They set out to the great coast plains and pitch their camp alongside the local blac s' camp. holding the carbine in one hand li e a pistol. So that it became evident. the mosquitoes are something to shudder at. Worcester sauce. winter or summer ali e. simply rigging their mosquito nets on a couple of stic s and spreading their blan ets on the hard ground. They use a small tent for the stores. and unlimited cartridges. This particular part of the animal can only be reached from above. reloading as rapidly as he can for his next victim. A stout cheese cloth mosquito net is the first and indispensable requisite of every man's outfit in this country. where the shooter. If the beasts were shot anywhere else they would not fall at once. the Haw esbury. a buffalo will usually struggle on for half a mile or so before he drops. For meat they eat buffalo beef. Still. Hexham (where the famous Hexham greys come from). and the management of vindictive wild cattle. On these low-lying plains. and. men who underta e the riding of unbro en horses. on the Diamantina and the Dawson River in Queensland. never needing more than one bullet to each. on the Castlereagh. It is easy to understand that there alongside an animal that can " noc at such very close quarters. as the high hips and croup protect the loins from any bullet fired from behind. but would stop and charge. is great danger in racing up over an elephant". ta ing their buffalo horses and some twenty or thirty pac horses. An expert shooter will drop buffalo after buffalo at an average distance of two hundred yards apart. it is only right to introduce the reader to the shooters and their horses. the temperature. they had to be prepared to race right alongside the buffalo and shoot downwards into the loins alongside the spine. It never rains in the dry season. the buffalo drops as if struc by lightning. salt. Their stores consist of flour. Even if mortally wounded. especially the tongues and tails. not nowing the correct place to fire at. which is first-class. with no shelter except their mosquito nets. The shooters ma e little or no pretence at camp. and arsenic for the hides. in Gippsland. is always blazing hot. This was the only method of shooting them that could be made to pay.

clin of the horse bells. Some pots. At bedtime the stranger crawls in under his mosquito net and tuc s it well in under his blan et. Their horses are a queer mixture. And some of the older hands among the horses are cunning enough to tell at once a formidable old bull from a timid. Close round the tent are grouped the mosquito nets and blan ets a the shooters. as they have a nasty way of doing. Added to this. but they are genuinely good sportsmen and hospitable as Arabs. and sizes. It is only one horse in a hundred that will ma e a buffalo horse. in close proximity to the nets and blan ets of the blac gins who do the coo ing A rough slab table with log seats occupies the foreground. saddle cloths. And so. being on the alert to swing off to one side at any moment if he wheels. Let us suppose our stranger has arrived in the camp overnight. well-stewed tea. They watch every movement of the buffalo. has his net and blan ets a few yards away. and the timid gun-shy horses. the lazy slow ones. on the hard ground. and they will race up alongside the cow boldly enough. And bac of all. These qualities are found to exist in most unli ely animals. excitable ones. and on which are deposited pac saddles. damper. The buffalo shooters. the constant roar of the carbine close to their ears ma es some horses timid and unmanageable. His saddle does duty for a pillow. persistent stench of the drying buffalo hides. the gins are building the fire and frying buffalo stea s and boiling steady. from a tree overhead a mopo e calls in wearisome iteration. riding saddles. the horse has to be courageous enough to race right up alongside the formidable buffalo bulls and cool enough to dodge their onslaught if they wheel and charge without any warning. It is wonderful how clever they get. shapes. A few yards off in a clear space are stretched dozens of buffalo hides drying in the sun. frightened young cow. A Chinaman. but insist on running wide of the bull. blac . So that the shooters have to weed out the cowardly horses. If the ground is bro en and crac ed with great fissures. and the stranger all                                                                         . it being of course necessary that they are all fairly fast and up to weight. through the cor screw palms and tree trun s. the Chinese s inner. Let us now give a description of a day's shooting from the point of view of a stranger. with no experience--with nothing but a hopeful mind and a well-oiled rifle. but simply because they have the requisite coolness and courage. while behind it are a few low rails that do duty as a catching place for the horses. and coo ing utensil. In addition to needing a lot of pace and determination. Brea fast is soon despatched--buffalo beef. He finds that the camp consists of a smal tent full of stores. The blac s tea. hobbles and all manner of gear. where the sable chieftain! and chieftainesses are sleeping off the effects of their daily gorge of buffalo meat.From this it may be gathered that a buffalo shooter's life is not one of refinement and luxury. bridles. and those that survive the ordeal are not selected for their style or quality. At dawn the camp is astir. And over all and above all is the are out after the horses. and strong. causing the shooter to waste valuable cartridges and still more valuable time in his destruction. buc ets. or crossed with water courses. they bide their time and rush up alongside the quarry with a great dash the moment they feel good ground under their feet again. The hooters emerge from their blan ets yawning and stretching. and smelling villainously. may be seen the small fires of the blac s' camp. Fron away in the distance comes the howl of a dingo and the clin . he lies awa e and listens to the dull booming roar of the mosquitoes as they hustle each other in myriads round his resting place and the cho ing snores of the Chinese s inner who is sleeping in the next blan ets. Hard and dangerous wor and hard living ma e the men rough and ready. are scattered around. employed to s it buffalo. and the crac buffalo horses of a camp comprise all sorts. the hot-headed.

catch their horses and mount. and they are very solicitous that their pets get their full allowance and are not wor ed too many days consecutively. The Chinese s inner climbs onto his quiet old nag. Slowly and quietly the shooters approach the herd. every now and again "pec ing" almost on to their nees. especially as the shooters are riding desperately. with beating heart. while the gins sit silently by the fire and ill mosquitoes on their bare legs. where all sorts of tropical trees. Suddenly they wheel and dash off at a lumbering canter towards the timber. clumsy gallop. hats firmly jammed on. not to pull his horse about in bro en ground. "Come on". and the novice finds that his horse needs no urging once the game is afoot. and the novice expects to run up to them easily. The crac buffalc horses are usually given a nosebagful of much-cherished oats. bull-li e head. urging                                                                             . The animals are rather near the edge of the plain. one of the mounds suddenly lifts up a huge. Girths are tightened. and it all depends on the start they get whether the shooters can get to them before they reach cover. and shrubs ma e a retreat impracticable to any animal except the thic -hided. or rather blac men.feed together. rides steadily off with the two shooters towards the unsuspecting herd. creepers. Under the crop of grass are all sorts of hidden dangers--great crac s in the ground made by the dry weather. heavy-horned buffalo. Then the blac boys. "There's buffalo!" The stranger sees far away on the plain some things that loo li e seven or eight large blac mounds standing out solid against the bac -ground of jungle grass. decorated with immense sic le-shaped horns. blac -muzzled. their clothing being limited to a very brief loincloth and a stic through their nose. The shooters get their carbines out of the tent and strap on their belts filled with cartridges. The buffaloes settle to a slogging. but recovering themselves smartly and racing on. Over all these difficulties the horses go full speed with a cleverness really marvellous. each airing his views on any subject that occurs to him. yell the buffalo shooters. The pac horses with their attendants pull up and watch the chase. never to let his horse stand still when near a wounded buffalo lest the beast's sudden charge ta e him by surprise. patches of boggy ground where the water has lain. now overgrown and hidden with grass. which is bordered by open paperbar forests. After riding perhaps a couple of hours one of the shooters says. Steadily they draw nearer the herd. with never a tree to brea the view--a vast. the novice getting many whispered instructions on the way--to be sure and not fire till he can fire downwards into the loin. the pac horses. just as if finishing a race. and so they mount and away across the sunny plains at a slow jog. crossed here and there with watercourses and scarred with bare patches where fires have been. The gins attend to this. silent expanse of waving jungle grass. and so on and so on. and stare for a few seconds with sullen fierce eyes at the intruders. By the time brea fast is over the horses are brought up by the blac s. and the Chinaman stringing slowly along in the rear. Instantly all the others throw up their heads. when they are about three hundred yards off. always with their eyes fixed on the flying mob. setting their horses at full speed. The sun is blazing down and the great plain dances and quivers in the heat as the procession straggles across it. the horses ma ing great springs through the long ran grass. huge circular holes where the buffaloes have wallowed. and the novice. Great ungainly brutes they loo with their heavy shoulders and quarters. or dense jungles. A hurried consultation is held. Away they dash after the buffaloes. reaching right bac to the animal's shoulders. until. In front the plain extends to the horizon. The Chinese s inner sharpens his nives to a razor-li e eenness on an oilstone. exactly as if they were racing through a high and heavy crop of wheat. The procession moves along the edge of the plain. clumps of cor screw palms. The pac horses are first caught and saddled--some eight or nine of them. the blac s.

The s inners come up and the hides are soon stripped off by the blac s and Chinaman and fastened on the pac saddles. as he draws near. now thoroughly winded with his gallop. and through the jet of white smo e the novice sees the buffalo sin to the ground paralysed. he notices that the timber is very close. Suddenly. shot through the loins. The novice finds his carbine a terrible weight on one hand while galloping. and as s how the two men got on. there rises a huge blue bull buffalo. seeing no game until they have got right out into the solitude of the plain. but the springing of the horse and the rolling gallop of the buffalo ma e it no easy matter to hold the carbine straight with one hand. The quarry goes on with the same determined rolling gallop. and for an hour or two they jog on slowly. but the trained horse follows his every movement. but somehow. Then there is a whiz and a rush of hoofs. elbow up and muzzle down. The shooter leans forward holding out his rifle. and then. and without more ado he holds out the carbine and fires at about a dozen yards' range. "Shot every one of the mob". This is the novice's opportunity--there is no cover for the animal to get into. another start is made out into the plain. So they tear across the plain. with sic ening anxiety. recognising the urgency of the case. out of a mud hole. He has no trouble in managing his rifle and his horse. How the wind whistles past! The horse gains slowly--he will not go as confidently with a strange rider as with his own master--and the novice. and "I'm sorry to rob you of him. the novice having but one aim and object in life--to get the muzzle of the rifle up against that broad blue bac . and for all their hard riding they do not seem to be gaining much on the buffaloes. giving no sign whether the shot lever of his carbine. has plenty of time to note the fierce bac ward glances of the buffalo and the ominous swing. each time                                       . a vast monster that glares fiercely at them and then turns to run. shaves a palm tree or two by a hair's breadth. clutches frantically at the li e a haw on a pigeon. His carbine points anywhere except the right place. and one of the professional shooters. and if once the mob reach the shelter of the cor screw palms they will be lost. and jams it home just as the buffalo passes the first few outlying screw palms. and jamming his hat down and sending the spurs home he starts off alone in pursuit of the monster. while our hero pulls his horse round in pursuit. sure enough. and swoops down on the buffalo has hit or missed.the horses to their very utmost. outside the palms lie all the rest of the herd. pursuer and pursued. with a dismal feeling of failure. The buffalo swerves at once. Bang! goes the carbine. and the occasional stumbles of his horse almost jer it out of his grasp. After a short rest to breathe the horses. dashes past the novice. where the horses are better suited. exactly li e a man going to spear pig. and the nearest timber is a dim blac line on the horizon. The novice fully intends to race right alongside. the buffalo suddenly dodges to one side and ma es for the timber at redoubled speed. swing of those terrific horns as the bull labours along in his swaying gallop. fumbles wildly in his belt for another. holds the carbine out ready to fire and urges his horse after the nearest buffalo. where he has been rolling. And." The novice swallows his mortification. sitting square in his saddle. brings him alongside the quarry in three or four bounds. ejects the cartridge. Suddenly they reach a patch of short grass and firm ground. more especially as the place to be fired at is not painted on the buffalo. and they draw up close to the mob. Half-wild with excitement he tries to remember all the injunctions he got about firing. and the novice. mister. Suddenly. The buffaloes scatter slightly. is the answer." says the shooter apologetically. "but he would have got away in these palms. still ic ing in the agonies of death. just as he intends to fire. On they go. while the horse swings clear of his falling victim. and the novice. as the cover is very close.

dingoes. and instead of hitting the loin the bullet buries itself in the buffalo's massive hindquarters. There is no such thing as sitting about and tal ing in the camp where the mosquitoes ma e life outside the mosquito nets an absolute purgatory. and a start is made for home. One of the Melville Island shooters was speared through the shoulder by a wild blac . Round comes the bull for another charge. The novice canters after him. so rapid is the onset. and our hero gets a broadside shot. He swings off. the shooters riding slowly on in front. trying to draw his foe in after him. and the result is that when he does fire he is not quite close enough. The novice receives the congratulations of the shooters on getting his first buffalo. A slip or stumble would be fatal. a red spurt of blood showing where the bullet has struc just behind the shoulders. In the visit that I have endeavoured to record here. or the horse loses ground on some rough going.that he draws near either the bull swerves and gains a little. instead of running away he craftily hides behind a patch of thic bamboo and waits for someone to follow him. and he resolves to do better in future. and all the rider's previous efforts are as nothing compared to the dash he puts into his riding while urging his horse out of harm's way. then pretends to retreat. But this sort of shooting is tame after the rushing gallop alongside the fierce buffalo bull. Ris and roughness there no doubt are. Another bullet or two tell their tale. and the bull "bails up". flooding the plain with a glorious golden light. The horse will not draw up close to a wounded bull. Whoof! With a snort li e a grizzly bear the bull wheels and charges his assailant. and then. Such is life in a buffalo camp--about the last remaining relic of the old wild days. but he feels in his heart that it was a case of buffalo assassination rather than legitimate shooting. and this time the novice really thin s he is caught. reloading as he goes. and soon the large creature sin s to the ground and expires without a sound. and the man who wants his sport combined with luxury had better leave buffalo shooting alone. and the novice feels a glow of pride as he gets his first clean shot home in the loins. The bull stands for a while. And it is satisfactory to now that the supply of buffaloes shows no signs of diminishing. he nows too much for that. But it is a rare experience to anyone who is not afraid of roughing it a little. and sees his buffalo fall to one bullet. and when the shooters reach it they have to unload the hides. It is life as it was in the beginning of things. wild fowl and duc s. Far away is the glow of the campfire. More and more hides are got. The sun goes down and the moon rises. Sometimes the horses are illed by charging buffaloes and the riders seriously hurt. eat their rough food in the smo e of the fire to protect themselves from mosquitoes. So the day wears on. A bull bails up in a patch of bamboo and ma es sallies out of it and hurried retreats into it. The sun sin s low. and pigeon and quail and snipe in thousands. the pac horses stringing after them. and so straight off to bed. and again the wary horse ta es his rider out of harm's way. charging everyone that comes near. The pac horses are loaded until each has as much as he can stagger under. Once he gets in. the patient s inners following up and getting the hides. which                                               . finding himself outpaced. but wheels suddenly round and charges again. Besides the buffalo shooting there is any amount of other game--alligators. and the blac s silently smo ing in the rear. The bull follows for a hundred yards or so. Incidents there are in plenty. small mobs being met with and shot right out. but the horse draws away. A few wild buffaloes come sniffing up to the procession and bolt away again into the dar ness. and then goes up for a second shot. A buffalo swerves so suddenly that the man's boot brushes against the animal's fore-head as the horse springs clear of the charge. wheels suddenly off and resumes his dogged canter.

no one ever discovered it. he had forgotten what little law he ever new. This magistrate had originally been a country store eeper. as his brand of law dated bac to the very early days. but as the men are shooting for a living they would have to be paid for the use of their horses and their loss of time. (Since the above article was written news has reached Sydney of the murder of two buffalo shooters by the blac s. No details are to hand. Still. But it was in court that he shone particularly. and child in the district.too place in September 1898. Thus it came that for many years old Considine was the sole representative of his profession in the town. He new less law than old Considine. and this sort of thing has been going on for years. and the simple country fol considered him a perfect champion of a magistrate. these men should be illed by their own blac s. as on the next dealing the title always came bac to him again. All arrangements ta e time to ma e. and anyone desiring to go up should ma e inquiries long beforehand as to means of transport. after finishing their season's shooting safely. Li e most country attorneys. he recognised that it would be a hopeless struggle to try and catch up with all the modern improvements. He just plodded along the best way that he could with the aid of a library consisting of a copy of the Crown Lands Acts. And it spea s well for the men and their management of the blac s that casualties are so few. with a lot of dignity. It was hard that. and there is no saying how small a matter may have caused the attac . and he cannot plan his trip (li e the Americans planned their war) to get his buffalo and be bac for lunch. woman. etc. duly investigated and accepted. and had been given this judicial position as a reward for political services. He always appeared before the police magistrate who visited Kiley's once a month.) The Sydney Mail. and the inhabitants of the district had plenty of ways of getting rid of their money without spending it in court. and if he did now and then overloo a defect in the title to a piece of land--well. and the shooters will be glad to ta e anybody into the camp who cares to go. and people trusted him implicitly. our camp shot 100 buffalo in a wee . but he was a fine. the Miner's Handboo and an aged mouse-eaten volume called Ram on Facts that he had pic ed up cheap at a sale on one of his visits to Sydney. fat man. on whose ships most of the hides come down. But it is all in the season's ris --the man who goes buffalo shooting has to rec on this chance in with his other ris s. but it will probably be found that drin had a good deal to do with it. The surrounding country was rugged and mountainous.. the soil was poor. from the Eastern and Australian Steamship offices. The fact was that he and old Considine new every man. The two professional shooters had got 700 in three and a half months' shooting. and was. He was an honourable old fellow. and. as the blac s are quiet enough unless interfered with. our blac brother in the north is a child of impulse. of course. 7 January 1899 BUSH JUSTICE The town of Kiley's Crossing was not exactly a happy hunting ground for lawyers. they new who could be                                                                   . big. A party going up could ma e quite a comfortable trip of it by going round by sea from Port Darwin. Anyone intending to go up may be sure of getting plenty of game. but the intending visitor must remember that the Northern Territory is a "land of lots of time".

This satisfactory state of things had gone on for years. and the reputation of old Considine in Kiley's Crossing hung trembling in the balance. However. and in the old days the case would have been settled by payment of a few shillings. When the old man rose to spea he played a bold stro e. and fail it accordingly did. and which was dragged in to settle all sorts of points.M. and might be going on yet only for the arrival at Kiley's of a young lawyer from Sydney. whose vagaries no man may control nor understand. Doc erty--case that Your Worship of course nows--case of the 'orse outside the 'ouse". Doc erty--the 'orse outside the 'ouse". stating his authorities and defying his learned friend to contradict him. damages for trover and conversion of personalty. which he always did. that his youthful friend had. he promised to secure him the verdict. there was quite a little crop of cases. however. He had law boo s to bac it all up. with the assistance of Ram on Facts and "the 'orse outside the 'ouse". if it covered all the ground that old Considine stretched it over.M. was "the great case of Dunn v. as that is supposed to rest on the decision of that foul fiend the law. while the old P. They never ta e much notice of who wins the case. This. as quoted by old Considine. as he too his seat on the bench. He opened the case in style. with the result that on the first court day after his arrival. When he                                       . too. stated the law correctly. whenever a swindle seemed li ely to succeed. There was absolutely no defence. What the 'orse did to the 'ouse or vice versa no one ever new. If anyone came forward with an unjust claim. and old Considine appeared a verdict for the defendant. doubts have been freely expressed whether there ever was such a case at all. all was changed. he made him settle the case. The case was simple enough. Now. he promoted discord and quarrels. to the promotion of justice and honesty. The calf had been seen by several people to run out of the yard with a half-swallowed shirt hanging out of its mouth. and certainly. All the idle men of the district came into court to see how the old man would hold his own with the new arrival. full of legal lore. In olden days one side or the other had gone to old Considine. If he was in the right. damages for detinue. and the audience sat bac contentedly on their hard benches to view the forensic battle. and the lawyer who can insult his opponent most in a given time is always the best in their eyes. but he seemed to have overloo ed one little thing. this claim must fail. with a lawyer on each side--an unprecedented thing in the annals of Kiley's Crossing. genuine or not. he slept with digests and law reports. there was a pleased sigh in court. It should be explained that the bush people loo on a law case as a mere trial of wits between the lawyers and the witnesses and the bench. So. but here the young lawyer claimed damages for trespass to realty. He said. it was a wonderful decision. shuffled uneasily on the bench. and a lot of other terrible things that no one had ever heard of. when the young lawyer got up and said he appeared for the plaintiff in the first case. a terrible fellow. The new man struggled into court with an armful of boo s that simply struc terror to the heart of the P.nown case of Dunn v. A calf belonging to the widow O'Brien had strayed into Mrs Rafferty's bac yard and eaten a lot of washing off the line. patronisingly. There was ample proof. old Considine would rise to his feet and urbanely inform the bench that under the "well.relied on to tell the truth and whose ways were croo ed and devious. no doubt. and if he found that the man who came to him was in the wrong. and between them they dispensed a very fair brand of rough justice. old Considine had one great case that he was supposed to have discovered in Ram on Facts. he openly ridiculed old Considine's opinions.

The young man gave notice of appeal and of prohibitions and so forth." Then he sat down amid the ill-suppressed admiration of the audience. This was supposed to ensure safety for the players. but for riding and hard hitting they are said to be unequalled by any players in the world. a good deal further. "My learned friend says that he never heard of such a defence. as few ponies of that size can be got to carry heavy men without great ris of falling. "I rely upon that plea. but his prestige was gone in Kiley's. but even this did not give them the necessary scope in selection of horse flesh. anxious to display his legal nowledge. the Englishmen in India began with an absurd rule that no animal over thirteen hands three inches in height should be used in a game. The young lawyer. the bench pityingly informed him that he had not quoted any cases bearing on the plea of "cause to show". 15 June 1899 POLO THE GAME of polo is of Indian origin." he said. He asserted (which is quite true) that there is no such plea nown to the law of this or any other country as an absolute defence to claim for a calf eating washing off a line. and has been played for countless years by the hill tribes in the north of India. and found a verdict for the defendant. From those natives the game spread to the Indian Army. and has become practically the main amusement of Indian cantonment life. "that case--er--is reported in Ram on Facts. old Considine stood him on his head proper with that plea of 'cause to show'." he said. The players managed to raise the standard of height by a loose system of measurement. "and of course Your Worship nows the effect of that plea." said the bench. The result. (Sensation in court. Influenced possibly by the fact that the Indians used ponies of very small size. freely expressing the opinion that he was a "regular fool of a blo e. Your Worship. but as a matter of fact had the very opposite effect." "Yes. it is mentioned there. "I thin that I need hardly remind Your Worship that that very plea was successfully raised as a defence in the well nown case of Dunn v. He was proceeding to expound the law relating to trespass when the older man interrupted him. isn't it?" "Well. as might be supposed. The audience filed out of court. These wild fellows play on very small ponies. in fact.was more experienced he would no doubt be more wary. and so help me goodness. and under a code of rules which never appears to be thoroughly understood by Europeans. He quoted decisions by the score on every conceivable point. confronted with this extraordinary manoeuvre. Doc erty. the case of the 'orse outside the 'ouse. A big drum accompaniment and a Nautch dance appear to be the leading features of the game. or to any other claim for that matter. but after at least half an hour of spirited tal . "and I don't thin that even my young friend's assurance will lead him so far as to question so old and well-affirmed a decision!" But his young friend's assurance did lead him that far. the Commander-in-Chief                         . where it was ta en up by the officers." said the old man. was that severe accidents were very common.) He relied upon a plea that his young friend had no doubt overloo ed--that was that plea of "cause to show". simply raged furiously. pityingly. he'd never even heard of it!" The Australasian Pastoralists' Review. and as the severe and sometimes fatal accidents still continued.

the height has been fixed at fourteen hands one inch. Arthur Brand. The Hunter River players were the first to ma e a strong team. The mares are never starved. well-furnished. But at present the honours. and a visiting team from that colony recently gave the Victorian champions some hard battles. and ma e New South Wales-bred ponies loo quite weedy. Shaw and Campbell being their possibly strongest players. J. In England. and the team had never played any matches together. and some great battles were played between them and the western districts of Victoria. and the foals are always well loo ed after. to the effect that no ponies over the absolute standard height should be used. Messrs White. so far as New South Wales is                     . is gradually being defied. which shows that our standard of polo is not equal to the English form. One hears from Indian traders that this regulation. Captain Haigh. the latter winning mainly through their s ill in combination. and severe accidents are very rare. Shannon. Merely to send rough. yet last year. but their comrades were not so strong. untrained ponies over would be very little use. and larger and larger ponies are being used. and H. a team that is now quite at the top of the tree. The New Zealand players have brought their game to a great pitch of excellence. In Australia. having played together for many years. Major Bryan. Paterson and Forrest. It is of course only fair to say that the harder grounds of India ma e any fall a fairly serious matter. when they met a scratch English team (composed of the Hon. as our local players are hoping some day to sell their ponies in the English mar et. and some day they may come to the wisdom of using horses better able to cope with the weight on their bac s. Certainly Captain Haigh and Captain Brand are two players who would be equal to any two in England. the result being that New Zealand ponies are a well-rounded. Polo in New South Wales has never been quite the success that it has in other colonies. these great prices are only fetched by animals that show first-class form in matches. The Manifold brothers. The result is that fourteen hands two inch ponies are now used there. Hill. As regards Australian polo. but there is a tremendous lot to learn in the matter of combination and s ill. Hill). are now one of the strongest teams in Australia. and the buyers fondly imagine that by getting one of these ponies they are qualifying themselves to display championship form--forgetting that they are not buying the seat and hands of the man who has trained the pony. which Kipling would call "a Solomon of a regulation". but it is practically certain that the English standard will be adopted. and for a while they were certainly the strongest players in New South Wales. the tendency of the game has always been to increase the size of the ponies. on the other hand. the Adelaide players for many years were the strongest team. Many of the New Zealand ponies are sold at large prices over here. has always been a fast and dashing team. The Camden team.published a regulation. The Australian riding and hitting could not much be improved on. while in England a tumble on the soft turf does not mean much. where as much as seven hundred guineas has been given for a well-trained pony. The fact of a scratch four showing such form is convincing proof that a practised four of their class would over-match the Australian players. as the heavy riders find themselves unable to get safe mounts among the small ponies. sturdy lot of animals. The climate of New Zealand is very favourable to the breeding of a good class of pony. each side winning a match. they were hard put to it to hold their own. The best Sydney four that has played were Messrs Watson. averaging quite fifty guineas. of whom Messrs Mac ellar and Bell are shining lights. It is hard to institute any comparison between Australian and English or Indian polo.

and their riding was a treat to witness. to afford the expense of the game. and to wor up quite a strong team. But it is a game that there is no gate money in. and this wor s up a healthy rivalry which eeps the game alive. even though the pony is trained by another person. The last Indian team would have been a great attraction if the Maharajah had come with them. it is easy for a team of young fellows living on their own properties to meet together for polo practice. In New Zealand and Victoria. but there again the £ s d question nipped the project in the bud. In New South Wales. but it is understood that the British authorities thought it unwise for him to leave his own state at that time. and may then state of affairs. all over the colonies it is the factor of expense which has ept the game confined to a select few. as a rule. and any team going from here would need to be prepared to live at a pace that might shoc our slower-going ideas on what expenditure should be. under the leadership of the Maharajah of Cooch Behar. indeed. Some years ago all arrangements were completed for the visit of an Indian team to Australia. a hard-riding. It is surprising what a number of really good teams there are in New Zealand. or some other equally unpronounceable locality. A good man can soon ma e a pony play. Later on we may have the chance of seeing him and his team. beating them by five goals to four after a desperate game. It was intended that the teams should bring their own ponies. and may then hope to learn a few wrin les in the game of polo. too much to hope that our players would hold their own                       . the game could hardly have been a fair test. owing to the unsettled state of affairs. It was a great triumph for New South Wales. It is a pity that in Australia the military forces are hardly able. according to the leading authorities on the subject. The team was to consist of officers of the army. It would be a good speculation to send to England a team of good players with well-trained ponies. Polo in England is mainly a military game. and those who can ride them have not got the money. but as these would be at least two inches lower in height than the Australian ponies. it is next thing to imposs-ible to get up a team to practise together. well-mounted team from some place at the bac of Coonabarabran. and the stimulus of matches against other clubs is lac ing. provided they were well ridden. where farming is gone in for and properties are small. where squattages are forty miles apart. and dash could be found for a young officer. It is. At time of writing. as the latter would be certain of sale at good prices. and hindered its growth. and duly paid afterwards. Those who have the money to purchase first-class horses cannot ride them. which is so old that its origin is. and among the class who play in England a five-pound note is less thought of than five shillings here. The winners were much the lighter team. coolness. perhaps. as the Manifolds' team has not been defeated by any Australian team for many seasons. Later on we may have the chance of seeing him and his team. and an exceedingly hard-hitting and accurate bac . They owed their success to a dashing "number one". and no better training for riding. "shrouded in the hoary mists of centuries". certainly rest with the Tamarang Club. In fact sufficient profit should be made to almost cover the expenses of the trip. in consequence country polo is very spasmodic. The Manifolds' team were thought so certain to win that a wager of a hundred pounds to twenty pounds was actually laid on them before the game started.concerned. Also the crucial question of £ s d is a large factor in eeping down the standard of play in this colony. they have just achieved a sensational win over the Manifolds' team. It is most probable that before long an Indian team will be got together to come down and play in Australia on ponies obtained locally.

with a really good. The Australian Magazine. Let 'em all come--the whole                                   ." M. 6 July 1899 A WAR OFFICE IN TROUBLE SCENE: War Office. all mar ed "Urgent". They offer to send a Commander-in-Chief and" (pauses. An atmosphere of feverish unrest hangs over everything. CLERK: "Cablegram from Australia offering troops. while cler s rush in and out with cablegrams." MILITARY VETERAN: "Who is the Australian Commander-in-Chief? I didn't now they had an army at all. Just wire and say this isn't a pantomime. I new they had police. but in the matter of riding and hitting there is no fear that a team li e the Tamarangs would not give a good account of themselves in any company. newspapermen and inventors of patent guns have been waiting for hours to get a few minutes' interview with those in authority. whether they're any good or not. a grizzled moustache and an eyeglass is dictating to three shorthand writers at once. of course!" CLERK: "There are seven distinct cablegrams. Mounted messengers dash up to the door every few seconds. letters and cards from people waiting. Let's have a loo at the cables. It is officially desired that they be ta en if possible. It has been decided not to use blac s.: "Well I am damned! Eighty-five men! You cable bac and say that I've seen bigger armies on the stage at Drury Lane Theatre.V. sir. It says eighty-five men!" M. seven distinct Commanders-in-Chief all offering troops.V." CLERK: "But these are white troops. They haven't got to march round and round a piece of scenery. London. Telephones are ringing.V. except as a last resource. On the table are littered a heap of lists of troops. sir!" MILITARY VETERAN: "No! Can't have 'em. (with a sigh): "Well. a much-decorated military veteran with a bald head. typewriters clic ing. (jumping to his feet): "What! Have I wasted all this time tal ing about eighty-five men! You must be ma ing a mista e!" C: "No. Political reasons!" M. officials. sir. army-contracts. sir--the local forces. sir. In the innermost room of all. well-drilled Indian team. (roused to excitement): "Great Heavens! are they going to ta e the war off our hands? Seven Commanders-in-Chief! They must have been quietly breeding armies all these years in Australia. Tell 'em to stop at home and breed!" (Resumes dictation. Where's this from?" C: "Tasmania. cler s in dozens rushing hither and thither at express rate.V. let 'em come.) "At least five thousand extra men should be sent from India in addition to--" C: "Cabinet instructions are to ta e these troops. sir. A cler rushes in. aghast) "and eighty-five men!" M. In the passages and lobbies crowds of military contractors. and tenders for supplies.

(interrupts again): "These other colonies. Ta e this cheque for a hundred thousand to the petty cash depart-ment.V. or I'll have you shot too. sir--are we to accept 'em all?" M." (Resumes dictation.: "Yes. let it come. and whether the officer commanding shall ta e one horse or two. Perhaps they could let us have a few sword-swallowers to get off with the Boers' weapons? Loo here. will the British Government pay their return fares?" M.) "The expenditure of a hundred thousand pounds at least will be needed to--" C: "They want to now. but that if he comes in here to as any questions about it. I should thin we would. and don't let me have any more of you. sir! Two circus proprietors in Sydney have presented six circus horses--" M. And now go." (Resumes dictation. and tell that contractor outside that his tender is two millions over the estimate. Didn't I say let 'em all come? There'll be plenty of room for 'em in South Africa.eighty-five! But don't let it lea out. sir". It is not definitely nown whether the offer of Fitzgeralds' six circus horses will be accepted.: "Oh. anyhow.: "One battery! Well. if they pay the men's fares over. another cable from New South Wales.V.V. (Ten minutes later. We'll put 'em in the front and there won't be so many of 'em left to go bac . or the Boers will say we're not playing 'em fair.) C: "Fresh cable. I'll have him shot! Now go.V. The Bulletin. Great enthusiasm prevails. we don't want horses eating their heads off.) C: "If you please. 'Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. Stop their one battery if you can. but if not. cler timidly reappears. and tell him to do exactly what he d well pleases in the matter. sir. now--hand the whole thing over to one of the senior cler s. Now. and has just got to "the purchase of ten thousand horses" when the Cler reappears. 4 November 1899                             . they've got to come." Cable message: Some difficulty exists in ascertaining from the War Office whether the colonial troops will be expected to ta e their own saddles or not. please go away and let me get to wor ".: "Shivering Sheol! This is the climax! Six circus horses! Didn't they say anything about a clown and pantaloon? Surely they wouldn't see the Empire hurled to ruin for want of a clown.V.: "Yes. M. If the colonies had any sense they'd have paid the return fares. They say they would sooner send artillery!" M. I suppose. blast it all! What does their artillery amount to?" C: "One battery. They won't feel crowded. and don't let me hear any more of this blessed Australian army. and don't you come here any more. Tell 'em to send infantry." C.

erries. the police couldn't do                                                   . "Oh. The river is only a mountain stream. on the Basuto border. They were all mounted police--in fact. We half expected to find the border lined with armed savages. except two little white tents on the river ban . who were watching the border to prevent the Boers coming into Basutoland. and rode up to the tents. From reading the reports one got the idea that there were about ten thousand raging savages rushing up and down along the border. of whom I was one. At the crossing place we came unexpectedly on a little stone store. and only ept from joining in the strife by the exertions of the English commissioner. and so on. left Hunter's column and rode down to the Basuto border. and brandishing assegais and nob. as plenty of Basutos were wor ing for the army as mule drivers and ox conductors. One day two correspondents. After General Hunter had captured Prinsloo. "Oh. ready to shoot at anything that moved. We as ed him what good he expected to do with 10 men if the Boers had tried to cross the border. and a resident magistrate. dressed in war-paint and feathers. to see if we could get anyone to send down to the river with messages. The officer in charge was very anxious to now all about the war. noc ing him off his feet. dressed in a ind of drab uniform. which forms the Basuto border. only about eight miles off. so we decided to chance being arrested. While Hunter's column was fighting in the Caledon Valley it was close on the edge of Basutoland. I came through Basutoland to have a loo at those warli e people. and we ept a sharp loo out as we rode down through the big bare hills that overloo the Caledon River. in Basutoland.A VISIT TO BASUTOLAND PART I ALL THROUGH THE Transvaal war. all Basutos are mounted. and bring them before the local magistrate. big blac fellows. and the horses were pic eted in military fashion at the bac . They were described as being in "a state of unrest". This put a sudden stop to all our flights of imagination about the Basutos and their savagery. One blac man was very impudent to an English officer. He also explained that the police had orders to arrest all strangers. By the tents they had rigged up a sort of rough shelter for the men. but we saw no savages. and the store eeper (an Englishman) told us that the tents belonged to the Basuto Police. The police were all fine. and only waiting an excuse to hurl themselves over the border and wade in blood. Here we were threatened with arrest by a common policeman and with trial by a magistrate. hit the Basuto a smashing blow in the face. the attitude of the Basutos has been a matter of great interest. just to show him that he wasn't in his own country. never wal any distance. in defiance of army rules.000 men coming over the river. He said." Whereupon the Englishman. nor any sign of life. Sir Godfrey Lagden. They had been living for eight months in these tents with a staff of about 10 blac policemen to prevent an army of 20. and couldn't be impudent to his superiors with impunity. We had to get the messages away somehow. when we had expected to meet assegais and other uncivilised weapons. and we could see across into Basutoland as we rode down to the border. Two English officers came out--a sub-inspector of Basuto Police. so all the war correspondents used to try to get their messages over to Seribe. I'm a Basuto! We always spea to white men that way in my country. and when told that he must not spea in an impudent way he said. We had some little experience of them during the war. and the nearest civilian telegraph line available was in that country. because a long message could go from there quic er than a short message on an army line.

while the hills run up another 3. 35 miles.anything. We waited for the messenger to come along. The country is all bare mountains with broad valleys between. about as strong as German lager. we saw the Basutos coming down to the camp to see the strangers. there's one man here might hit a barn if he got inside it before he fired. and secured by a big pin. and very military in their movements. and saluted very formally every time they addressed the officer. The two white police officers went off to see General Sir Archibald Hunter. They mostly have Martinis. and one of the police went out in front of the tents. with tremendous chests and shoulders. but the others aren't up to much.000 feet above the sea. for 5s. We saw--but a truce to beer for the present. and the way these Basutos could drin it would have opened the eyes of any beer champion of a German University. and soon he appeared--a tall. which was the name of the crossing place where we came over the Caledon. and find out what they thought of the war. The Basutos are all ready to fight. They halted and wheeled sharply on being spo en to. well-built pony. and lifted up his voice. and all his followers. His natural dignity was enhanced by the fact that he was wearing a pair of old leather leggings. The chief was an evil-faced fellow. blac as the ace of spades. He waved his hand with rapid grace in answer to our salutes. the leggings loo ed rather out of place and lonely on his bare shins.000 feet or so. and a scarlet blan et wrapped round his body. and conversation began by medium of one of the police. and for a few minutes they fog-horned to each other. He put his hands to his mouth and emitted a series of roars li e a healthy bull. who was distinguished by having his blan et folded a different way from the others. big men. He too the telegrams and the 5s and disappeared on his 35-miles ride. about 16 in number. blue. "Well. and we waited to interview the Basutos. and said. The men who came down were all six-footers. They all have tremendous voices." We found that this shouting business is a great characteristic of the Basutos. but we could soon raise the villagers. Then the policeman turned and saluted formally. "Man come soon. and as he had no trousers nor boots on. or many-coloured blan et folded round the body." These heroes were wal ing about very proud of their uniforms. washy liquor. and is a thin. but they aren't any too good with a rifle. They were all fat and slee . These were the "rude forefathers of the hamlet"--the leading citizens of the village of Matela's Drift. The natives all had a dull drugged loo about                                     ." We as ed him if the Basutos could shoot at all well. grim-visaged Basuto clad in a pair of tattered tweed pants. They were all fine. till we describe the country and the people a little. at least. and at that height the voice carries wonderfully through the thin air. but it agrees with these men. sat them down. who spo e English. the sub-inspector said he could get us a messenger to go down to the telegraph station. The whole plateau is 5. It is made from Kaffir corn. big blac men with fine presence and great natural dignity. and soon from the little collection of red earth beehives on the far distant hillside there came an answering bellow. and what chance there was of their rising. which the sub-inspector explained was owing to their living mostly on Kaffir beer--a rather venomous fluid according to European ideas. and by wearing a curious conical fur cap. and he said. Each was dressed in a red. and they call to each other across the valleys. Then. It doesn't loo well to rush onto the subject of beer the moment one is in a foreign country. with his big bare feet beneath. and they thin nothing of tal ing to a man a mile off. Well. He was riding a very fine. and proceeded to "raise" a village about a mile and a half distant. out of the red earth beehives.

just the thing for campaigning. new every-body. very good horses. We as ed if a man could sell a wife again--if he could ma e a profit on her. and it was not until we had gone some miles that I found the new acquisition could not spea any English. the bride would go through the ceremony. When a Basuto can afford an extra wife--they have as many as 100 sometimes--he goes and buys a girl from her father at a fixed price in cows. and left off at the point where I was about to start down through Basutoland and pass the country of Joel. so he started to tell us about a horse he had. They are all very square-built active animals. or African horse. and these they would not ta e money for if they could get cows. "Do these men smo e opium?" but it seemed they had never heard of it. singing the praises of this horse in true horse coper fashion. It seemed that the rinderpest had illed nearly all their cattle a few years ago. and they wanted to stoc up again. A war correspondent always travels on horsebac . This was explained to us by the policeman. "0 great white man!" This was a                                                                   . PART II IN MY last article on Basutoland I described the first view of that country. This was the only thing they too the slightest interest in. and would stand silently outside till he brought the animal. the would-be rebel chief. We as ed some questions as to what they thought about the war. and they would have looted and raided the Boer farms along the border. The cow is the currency of the place. This is li e Indian hemp in its effects. and would give horses in exchange--Basuto horses. The white man who had been driving the cart had gone with despatches. with his belong-ings carried in a cart drawn by two long-suffering veldt ponies. it would have been a terrible business. so before starting down from Matela's Drift to Joel's country it was necessary to get a nigger man to drive the cart. he said.000 men under arms. and they wanted to get cattle. They new that the English had just captured thousands of Boer cattle. and they would not have been very particular whose cattle they too . and as they can put about 10.their eyes. Their horses certainly are excellent. If they had "risen" in the late war. but they seemed "fed up" on the war--wouldn't evince any interest in it. it would simply have been for the purpose of getting cattle. But there was evidently some subject that was interesting them. Once they had bro en out. When I told him to ta e the horses out and give them a drin . and at last it came out--their one object in life was cattle. I as ed. Would the army sell them the cattle or give them the cattle--those that were no good to eat? They wanted cows to breed from. I engaged him at lOs a wee and his provisions. and a lot of Shetland ponies that were imported to these mountains some years bac by some patriotic Scotchman. and stupefies them if they smo e for long. The chief was under the idea that the army would give him six cows for a good horse. All they would sell were the spare horses. and would be of the greatest assistance in getting through the disturbed districts. "In oosibaas!" which means. who said that if the bridegroom failed to produce the fat bulloc . and started off in high feather. It turned out that they smo e a root called "dhar". with a fat bulloc as a wedding present to the lady herself. which they bury in the ground and suc up the smo e by a tube. The bulloc was a sine qua non. but would refuse to enter the house. and the others all chimed in. it is not li ely they would have stopped at cattle. being the result of a cross between the Arab. just li e the eyes of the Australian Aborigines who smo e opium. but the Basutos would not sell their own riding horses for love or money. The blac police recommended a fine strapping nigger who they said spo e English perfectly. as they chattered away to each other.

The road ran down a sort of undulating flat with the great mountain pea s. However. "Ai. and his village is on the ban s of the Caledon River. their ponies ambling at a great rate. and it is much less effective than the Australian spear when thrown with a "womerah". These children have one peculiar sport. The flat was constantly intersected by small cree s running into the river. which they at once secure. with their een eyes glancing from side to side as they tramp across the veldt whistling and shouting. they go haw ing on foot. The Basutos themselves are a fine race. Their lands are all cultivated on a communal system. and they appear to yield enough to eep these simple people in comfort. They came out singing and dancing." The correct answer to this is. no doubt. covered with snow. "Good day. Joel is a small prince in the Basuto country.'s driver of the olden time. it was a rather serious business having a servant who did not understand a word you said. the procession had to go on.very gratifying title. Tal ing of assegais. which are described by their historians as terrible combats with thousands of na ed savages. using a wild haw . so we faced down through the Basuto country. In fact. and poverty and sic ness seem un nown among them. "Ai marai. It rather                                                 . It was a most wonderful relief to drive through that Basuto country after having been so long at the war. As one drives through the country crowds of horsemen are met along the roads. while overhead flutters their brown accomplice. The old Boers used to fight desperate battles with these. This calls up the small brown mousing haw . towering upon either side of the plain. the assegai as a war weapon is a ridiculous farce. No nigger can throw an assegai far enough to do any harm. prepared to encounter Joel and any of his people with a stout heart." which is their form of. which is very common in these localities. and with these to transfix any small animal or lizard that runs out from in front of them. All scattered along the plain or perched in on the side of the mountains were the little villages of the Basutos. They form a long row and wal across the veldt whistling in a shrill manner in imitation of a haw . but when I found it was his only answer to every order he got. that being part of their drill. with here and there a stone and galvanised iron roofed store. It is an extraordinary sight. It ta es a little time to get used to the shoc of finding that the riders are all coal-blac men." and even the smallest children call out a friendly greeting as the traveller passes by their little floc s of sheep or cattle. waiting for any ind of prey to get up. The first thing we met outside this village was a number of children coming out of a missionary school. armed with the destructive assegai. nor accurately enough to hit anything less than a house. Joel's Kraal hove in sight. After passing through some of the villages. They always greet a stranger with the deep-toned. where some trader was located. and at each of these cree s was a crossing so steep and rugged that it would have intimidated a Cobb & Co. all sitting well upright. As a matter of fact the assegai is about as much to be feared as the waddy or throwing stic of the Australian aboriginal. but there did not seem to be much spontaneous light-heartedness about it. and when any mice or small birds run out before the feet of the youngsters the haw flying overhead pounces on its prey. the long row of these blac imps. Another sport they have is to march in a row with their little playing assegais. the children then rush forward and scare it with stic s till it drops the capture.

resembled the efforts of the second row of the chorus when performing in an opera bouffe. It had a studied loo about it. Passing the mission school, Joel's Kraal became unpleasantly close, the said raal consisting of about two acres of ground on the ban of the river enclosed by a mud wall, the enclosure containing 50 or 60 small red mud houses, each li e a beehive in shape. Around the mud wall a few waggons were drawn up, and behind the wall there stal ed a large number of majestic Basutos, each carrying a rifle, and obviously forming part of Joel's bodyguard. These people made no sign of greeting, but the villagers gave the customary loud, "Ai marai," and it was soon evident that no danger was to be anticipated from Joel, even though he had written and offered to join the Boers--while his villagers were apparently not bothering their heads about either Joel or anything else in the world. A curious procession came past out of the mass of red-roofed houses; a lot of clean-limbed, bronze-coloured Basuto women hurrying off to a dancing festival up on the hills. Some of them were carrying boots in their hands, intending no doubt to cut a great figure when the dances began. Some had European dresses resplendent with tawdry ornaments, but the general run had just a blan et wrapped round them. They are square-built, sturdy, little women. They shave the head quite close, and their brown faces and shaven heads stic out above the folds of the blan et somewhat li e the bald head of the vulture from out of his ring of nec feathers. They all gave the Basuto good morning, and hurried on their way, obviously very een indeed on the day's enjoyment. Human nature is very much the same all the world over, and these little half-na ed women off to their improvised ballroom were just as excited as a society belle going to a civilised dance. Unfortunately time did not allow of a visit to the dancing ground, but a single white trader, resident in Joel's village, volunteered the information that Kaffir beer formed no inconsiderable part of the attractions. We thought that perhaps a man might buy a few "store" wives, and sell them as fats after a treatment of Kaffir beer. The Basutos thin a great deal of a fat wife. The policeman explained the question to the others, who all laughed loudly. It seemed to stri e them as inexpressibly funny that a man should thin of selling a wife. Buying one was all right, but not selling her. This plurality of wives is the great obstacle to missionary wor , as the natives stubbornly refuse to give up the wives that they have paid good cows for. When the rinderpest was bad no one had any cattle to buy wives with, so they evolved a system of buying wives by promissory note. The buyer too the wife, and handed over to her father a certain number of stones, daubed with white paint. Each stone represented an animal, and as he managed to get hold of the cattle he handed them over, and the stones were solemnly bro en as each beast came in. We were not told what happened if the stones were dishonoured--if the husband failed to meet his engagements. Perhaps the lady went bac to her parents, or perhaps he as ed for time from his creditors. The subject would suit Gilbert for a comic opera--the old wife upbraiding her husband with bringing home new wives while she was yet unpaid for. After a good deal of tal , the policeman said that, if we li ed, the chief would send for some Kaffir beer, and, as we were quite agreeable, we wal ed over to the village, while some of the party conversed amicably with friends away up on the side of the mountain, their voices rolling and echoing through the passes. At the village we found a lot of little red earth houses, shaped li e circular beehives and covered with thatch. The wives of the Basutos,

























each dressed in the inevitable blan et, were bustling about, grinding mealies (Indian corn) on their mortars, or nursing their babies. The whole place was very clean. Each chief has a compound or square walled off with a mud wall, and inside this enclosure he builds a new house or "rondavel" for each wife. An old chief will have quite a village. The common people build their houses in some sort of order in a ind of street, and round each house is a little mud wall. Inside the house is a hard earth floor, and a few mats and blan ets and gourds as furniture, but nothing to sit down on. They use no tables, nor chairs, and all hands sit on the ground. They ma e huge grass bas ets to hold their mealies, and these bas ets are always about the doors of the houses. The chief sat down at the door of his house and started sewing a bas et while waiting for the beer. The policeman told us that the beer would be a shilling, so we had to pay for the entertainment. The beer was brought in a huge gourd carried on the head of a lady, who wal ed down a precipice with it without once putting her hands up to steady the gourd. It was sour, thin stuff, but the Basutos dran about a wash-hand basinful each, and all the time they tal ed about cattle. After a time the name of Joel came up. Joel was the next chief further down the river, and he had been fool enough to write to the Boers offering to join them. Perhaps he thought they would give him more cattle than the English. Anyhow, old Matela, the chief we were then entertaining, said that he new Joel was in great trouble because the English had got hold of his letter to the Boers, and he expected Joel would be arrested. Joel had turned nasty, and had called in all his retainers, and had made a laager of his waggons, and had got all his assegais ready, and was waiting for the British nation to come and arrest him. As I had to go past Joel's camp next day I expected at last to see a real live Basuto savage--not a cow-hunting, beer-drin ing, old fraud li e our then host; and how I met Joel and Jonathan and saw their country must eep for another article. The Sydney Morning Herald, 15 December 1900

FRENCH'S CAVALRY AND THEIR WORK OF ALL the puzzles of the war, there is no greater puzzle than to find out what was the real value of the cavalry. French's cavalry are supposed to have done better wor than any other arm of the service, and yet we have an Australian cavalry officer who accompanied French's troops stating his opinion that "the only place for the cavalry weapons (sword, lance, and carbine) is at the bottom of the nearest well"; and we have no less an authority than Conan Doyle saying that the lances and swords should be put in museums. How are we to reconcile these statements with the undoubted success of French's cavalry operations? The cavalry are a class by themselves. The officers of other branches of the army are more or less li e each other, but there is nothing quite li e the cavalry. The cavalry officer is a man who must have money, otherwise he can't live in a cavalry regiment; usually he has breeding also, but the mere fact of his being an officer in a cavalry regiment confers a secure, unassailable superiority, which admits of no question. The cavalry officer fears no man. He has a light-hearted toleration of all other branches of the service, a superior patronising way of loo ing at them which ma es them restive, and they all abuse the cavalry roundly and pic holes in whatever they do; but then, what matter? They are not cavalry themselves, and no amount of tal can ma e them cavalry, so it is not of the slightest importance what they thin . And now in regard to






















what the cavalry did in the war. There are two inds of reputation --firstly, public reputation, which is gathered from the illustrated papers and the music halls; the other is army reputation, which is based on practical nowledge. In the eyes of the public the cavalry were the heroes of the Transvaal campaign; in the eyes of the army they were the ran est failures. And this requires a little explaining. The duties of cavalry are to scout, to dismount and shoot if need be; and particularly to harass a flying enemy, to get in the rear of his position, to charge him when retiring, and to prevent his getting his guns and transport away. With this latter object in view the cavalry soldier is armed and trained for the wor of fighting on horsebac . That is the distinction between cavalry and mounted infantry. The latter only use the horse as a means of locomotion, and they only carry a rifle. The cavalry are supposed to fight on horsebac , to bear down with swords or lances, and carry havoc into the ran s of the foe, and to have any hope of doing this effectively they must be able to ride well, and to use their weapons well. Every cavalry recruit is put through a severe course at a riding school, and unless he shows possession of light hands and a good seat on horsebac he is rejected. The riding school is a hard course to go through, and even the ran and file of our own "dashing Australian horsemen" find themselves a bit troubled by it. What an outcry there was when it was heard that the New South Wales Lancers were being put through a course at the riding school. Fancy an Australian having anything to learn in the way of riding! And yet the men themselves admitted that the riding school test was too severe for most of them. The result of this careful selection and training is that the cavalry Tommy rides really well, a good firm seat and light hands being universal among them. In fact, one does not realise how well they ride till one sees them alongside mounted infantry. But for the loose movable fighting of the South African campaign the cavalry equipment was altogether ridiculous; all the army equipment was cumbersome, but cavalry equipment was the worst. The saddle and gear weighed no less than seven stone. Ta e, for instance, the equipment of a Lancer. He is hung all over with weapons and gear li e a Christmas tree; he has a carbine swinging at one side of his horse, a sword flapping at the other, a lance clutched in his hand, about 6 stone of dead weight gear tied round his saddle, in the most inconvenient places, and a hard, slippery, cavalry saddle under him, and he would indeed be a marvellous horseman who could hurt anybody under these drawbac s. Just to help him along in his cold world he carries a stoc -in-trade about with him in the shape of boot blac ing, hoof pic ers, horse brushes, extra shirts, &c., which load the unfortunate horse down to the last possible stage of exhaustion. So overloaded with gear is the Lancer that it ta es a very nice judgment when getting on his horse for the trooper to lift his leg high enough to clear the saddle and carbine and other gear, and yet not so high as to overbalance himself. When dismounted for rifle firing, one man holds three of his mates' horses, and has four lances stic ing out all round him li e a porcupine. If the Boers had only played the game properly, and showed up in masses to be charged, as they should have done, then no doubt our cavalry would have given them a frightful cutting up; but the Boers used to scatter in all directions, and as they went about twice as fast as our men, there wasn't much chance for the cavalry to smash them at all. Of the few cavalry charges that too place in the war, it is safe to characterise 90 per cent as utter fiascos. The first was at Klipsdrift in French's march to Kimberley, where the 9th and 16th Lancers charged some Boers across the open. A few of the Boers' horses fell in the ant-bear holes, and the dismounted Boers and some of their horses were illed with lances, but on the whole it was a failure. The overwor ed, underfed cavalry horses could not get near the Boer horses. At Poplar Grove, the 9th Lancers made a rush out towards some






















Boers who were firing from the flan , but at once met such a hot fire from the front and two sides that it was suicide to go on; and the 8th Hussars and 7th Dragoon Guards had a small charge near the Vet River. In this latter case some few of the rearmost Boers were ta en and illed, but those who were in advance got off their horses and poured in so hot a fire that the pursuit had to be abandoned. The charge which resulted in the death of the Earl of Airlie was a gallant performance by all accounts, but did it pay? Did the number of Boers illed compensate for the men we lost? Just consider that a charging squadron begins to lose men at 2500 yards, and has to go on with tiring horses, and getting into hotter and hotter fire without even seeing what they are charging at. No troops in the world could go on at it. In the old days of massed troops and muzzle-loading guns, a cavalry charge was a different matter. The men got close to their enemies and went at full gallop nee to nee, and a blood fever got hold of them; but in these days of open formation a cavalry charge could go right through a firing line and bac again, and never touch a man. The cavalry, owing to their superior horsemanship, their better training, and their having a better class of horses, did a lot of wor in the campaign, as mounted infantry could have done; they fought often and well, dismounted, and did mounted infantry wor . But their swords and lances were of no practical use to them. It is of course open to argument that, as the Boers had no cavalry we did not need them, but in any other war, if the enemy had cavalry we must also have cavalry to meet them in the event of their charging guns or a convoy. It is suggested that cavalry might be wanted to repel cavalry, and the sight of two cavalry regiments charging each other would no doubt be a fine thing, and would command big prices in a cinematograph, but it could only be done by arranging beforehand that the infantry or mounted infantry should not interfere and spoil the show with their rifle fire. If any infantry were lying round they would brea up a cavalry charge at 1000 yards, and the troops would never get near enough to the cinematograph to be ta en properly, and the film would be spoilt. But it was not in the matter of failing to charge infantry that the cavalry lost their army reputation. And by "army repu-tation" is not meant the opinion of the "Mounted Foot", who were jealous, or of the "real Foot", who were, as a rule, so far behind the cavalry that they usually arrived after the Boers had been driven off, and because they saw no fighting they said there had been no fight. By "army reputation" is meant the opinion of those in high places; and it is an open secret that in all operations after Cronje's surrender the cavalry wor did not satisfy the Field-Marshal. What they did was all right, but it was what they left undone that brought them to grief. A non-military writer can hardly venture to express an opinion on the subject of what they should or should not have done; but it is best to quote the opinion of an outside authority, one of the attaches--the Russian attaché, a cavalry man himself. This is what he delivered as his opinion on the subject. "Ze cavallaree 'ee 'ave no made charge in Sout' Afrique at all. What for as 'ee no made charge? It is ze ideale country for ze cavallaree. If 'ee not ma e charge 'ere zen 'ee never ma e charge anywheres, however--not anywheres, however. Eet 'elps ze campagne, zee open plain, everywhere; but 'ee no ma e charge. At Driefontein 'ee was sent round to ze bac ; 'ee go round nearly to ze bac , and zen 'ee stop; 'ee stop two, three hour. I see him myself, he stop. He ride up and down ze veldt three hour. What for 'ee stop? What for 'ee not go on? And zen when ze Boers retreat wit de waggon and de guns he is four, five miles off. His horses zey cannot charge; he does nozzing. He come bac , he say my horses are not fed, I can not charge four, five miles; but why he not go more early? At Poplar Grove 'ee does ze zame; 'ee ride round ze seven opjes, 'ee see ze Boers in tousands, and, mon Dieu, 'ee stop again. 'Ee stay
















now dead. brother of the future Queen of England. served in the South African war. It might be expected that these young officers. There was no favouritism shown in his case. The whole secret lies in the Bulgarian's words. "lose half its men". Eet is for ze cavallaree to go on. "One time you lose half your men. A cavalry regiment charging even a flying and demoralised enemy would have to be prepared to do as the Bulgarian suggested. and.. but in future wars. His elder brother--the present Du e of Tec --was in charge of the remount department in the field. but he says they had no right to be four miles off. but had lost half his men. 12 February 1901 PRINCE ALEXANDER OF TECK AMONG THE staff of the Du e of Cornwall and Yor is Prince Alexander of Tec . the officer leading the cavalry would have to be utterly regardless of the men's lives. they should have pushed on earlier in the day. was a soldier who saw much active service." Whether our Russian friend in his criticisms is right it is for military authorities to say. certainly at both Dreifontein and Poplar Grove a demoralised and routed Boer army success-fully got their guns and waggons away under the noses of the British cavalry. and 4000 prisoners. though cavalry may never again have to charge into masses of men nor into other cavalry. a regiment to which the New South Wales Lancers were attached. waggons. 'ee must not stop. If it was his turn for patrol or outpost duty he was sent out quite irrespective of whether the duty was specially dangerous or otherwise. The main thing would appear to be to lighten the equipment. as the Bulgarian says. but if it brought the guns. considering their relationship to the Royal family. and so far as could be learnt. but if men on lightly equipped horses could have been thrown on them as they retired the Boer war would have been over in March of last year. The old Du e of Tec . there will always remain the most useful of all cavalry wor . he would have been sent bac to England in disgrace. General French had his reputation to consider. with his two brothers. the cavalry were four miles off when the retreat began. This Prince. One time you lose half your men. all ze guns. So far as the Boer war is concerned there was very little true cavalry wor done. instead of going in a half-hearted way about the veldt. Ze English cavallaree 'ee 'as too much stop. because the enemy simply retired to the next hill and started all over again. viz. would only be allowed to do what might be called "ornamental soldiering". and what was done did not pay. his brothers were treated in exactly the same way. The Sydney Morning Herald. A "victory" in South Africa meant nothing. and ze Boers get away ze guns and ze waggons again." While generals were summarily "stellenbosched" for losing men. but anosser time you ta e ze waggon. and if he had attac ed the fleeing Boers and not got their guns. secondly. and the third brother was for a time with the 10th Hussars. to clinch a victory by dashing in upon and absolutely wrec ing a flying foe. it was not li ely that any leader would imperil his whole career by ta ing ris s in sending cavalry on to meet possibly a destructive rifle fire. and supplies of the enemy to a halt it would still justify the existence of the cavalry soldier. and was for a time with the Innis illing Dragoons. but so far as Alexander of Tec is concerned the New South Wales soldiers can testify that he too his share of the wor exactly the same as any other officer. a                                         . True.two hours.

" "Well. or a horse rug to eep himself out of the bitter cold. very well up in his profession. but. Alexander of Tec . While on the march he roughed it as much as anybody. which carried their belongings. I've done that". tinned meat. and felt the responsibility very eenly. the former under Tec . in fact. that's all you can do. the business of eeping touch with the carts was developed into a fine art and it was quite a usual thing to hear men. and as they had good cover. near Bloemfontein. and when he had his goods at hand he was always ready to lend in his turn. became a very important matter. tall and well set up. After a few wee s of experience. and the latter under Lieutenant Heron. as often happened. no. and were found well occupied by an                                                       .fine man. he and the others were quite prepared to roll a blan et round themselves and lie down on the wet ground among the men without anything to eat. and undoubtedly a brave man. is about twenty-eight years of age. &c. with the swarthy complexion of a Spaniard. and when he left the Innis illings to go to Mafe ing. and were eeping up a hot fire. i. coo ing pots. when you're quite sure the Boers are running. their canvas sleeping valises. Not that anybody roughed it more than could be helped. One day. he hustled round with the rest to raise a spare blan et. The next hill was occupied by Tec with his troop of Innis illings. But on one occasion with the New South Wales Lancers Tec got himself into a serious position. the whereabouts of one's cart. He quite won the hearts of the New South Wales troopers with whom he was associated. and was anxious to get some approval of the way he had placed the men. too. with food and bedding. trying to get a position from which they could pour a fire into the enemy. French's cavalry were feeling their way round the hills. He was starting to explain how he had placed them when Tec interrupted. because if the men were cut up he would be responsible. the men of the New South Wales squadron turned out on their own initiative to give him a cheer on his departure--a thing that was not nown to happen to any other officer in the campaign. and when this occurred the officers who had their carts used to lend blan ets and food to those who had none and if young Tec found himself cartless at night he did not stand on his royal dignity or expect to have things brought to him because he was a prince.e. and when the Boers began to move about on their hills the Australian Horse officer galloped over to Tec in a great state of excitement. He was only a young volunteer officer. get up and have a shot at them. The Boers were holding a cluster of hills. our expected visitor. where a troop of Innis illings and a troop of New South Wales Lancers. and as ed for advice. He has a fair share of humour. He and some other young officers shared a small cart. were acting in conjunction. Then. "Tell each man to get behind a roc and shoot for all he's worth. not as to how the fight was going.. in the frost and bitterly cold wind whistling round the blea opjes. said the Australian officer. and the sons are all splendid specimens of the young British officer. with the best results. He had previously seen active service and is. while those of the next squadron would be miles away. One or two hills were tried. passing frenzied questions bac along the line. while under hot fire. "but what should I do myself while the attac is on? What would you do if you were me?" "I would lie flat on my face till the danger was over. a troop of Australian Horse were on outpost on a hill in sight of the Boer position. they were sent out on outpost duty and got separated from their cart. and if. It was outside Kimberley. "Are the carts up?" After a night or two on the South African veldt. and showed that he could stand fire as well as the best. or the leg of a fowl or a half tin of bully beef to eat. Sometimes the officers' carts of one squadron would be "up".." This sage advice was duly followed.

The Sydney Morning Herald. We'll see it out. and to crown all. As one of the men said." and sure enough after a while the Boers suddenly withdrew to the northward. "It's not the real swell that's so bad. but there are some good officers even among the most influential. Everybody had to lie as flat as possible while the bullets whistled over. who loo ed li e a common soldier. 4 May 1901                                               . as he had ta en the men there and would have to answer for the consequences if he lost a lot of them." And indeed these young Tec s showed that it is quite possible for a man to be a good soldier. and screamed. ran down the hill at top speed. which. "I've been up there. "Come on. "There wasn't much inducement to loo out when every time you lifted your head you heard half a dozen bullets singing around you. come on. with his eyes bulging out of his head with excitement. and Tec too the responsibility of pushing the men up to the hill as fast as possible. "I've got 'em here now. As soon as they arrived at the top of the rise where the "good cover" was. and the two troops returned to camp with a few prisoners. shouting. don't lose the chance. the "lootenant in ----'s Horse". losing men from time to time and firing when they saw anything to fire at. Of course. at once directed a heavy fire on it from two sides." he added. though you mightn't thin so. when an individual." Tec hesitated." This settled it. came over to them at full gallop. s irting the hills. were ta en from them en route by a superior officer. and a great outcry is often made against the appointment of aristocratic officers to high commands. Many of the officers were not at all competent to lead men in positions of danger.entrenched enemy. "Come on. He hailed Tec and Heron. and it was a tic lish question for young Tec . having led them into this trap. No doubt in many cases these appointments savour too much of class privilege to find favour in Australian eyes." but that hero had made himself scarce." he said. The officers conversed in whispers. and a dirty specimen at that. It's a fine place to put the men. and gets them that way that they won't follow him. "Come up here! Bring your men up here! Up to this hill! It's all right. lots of cover. "and it's more dangerous to shift them than to stay here." The two troops were ept there for a couple of hours. The other brothers are very good soldiers and the extraordinary story that one of the Tec s was responsible for the Sanna's Post disaster has not the shadow of a foundation." he yelled. don't come if you're frightened. even though he be a relation of Royalty. it's the 'alf and 'alf swell that treats the men li e dogs. but the stranger screamed. I'm a lootenant in 's Horse. leaving our men to brush the dust off themselves." As Lieutenant Heron said afterwards. and the Scots Greys lost 20 or 30 men in the process of reconnoitring. "Loo out! Loo out! They're there after all. without lifting their heads off the ground. an' you can shoot right into the laager. sha ing with excitement. by the way. The Boers. who were not supposed to be commanding the hill at all. parenthetically loo ing at his own ragged turnout. and to search for the "lootenant in ----'s Horse. and brought into camp as his particular trophy. and there's no Boers there. they found themselves on a bare exposed hill without any cover whatever. The system of choosing officers only from the wealthy classes--or rather of ma ing the pay so poor and the life so expensive that only wealthy men can go in for it--is undoubtedly a failure. The Lancers and Innis illings squadron were moving along the plain.

and to feed. some will say. If this programme is adhered to our prospects of getting anything li e value for the money spent in defence are small indeed. it is hard to have everything up to concert pitch on active service. Nowadays the tendency is to cut down all expenses of equipment and salaries of staff officers. and those who sneer at the army management of affairs should reflect in humble silence that in New Zealand lately. The boasted mobility of our bush troops would be absolutely nullified unless the commissariat and supply branches ept pace with them. for a fairly smart bushman can learn in a few days all the drill required for active service. It is obvious that if we wish to get an efficient service we must train the officers so that they may be able to feed and move the men. and encourage them to shoot promiscuously about the country till they learn to judge distance well and to aim accurately. Old soldiers who fought in the New Zealand war against the Maoris will tell you that in that campaign "everything bro e down". the ambulances. in another the water supply was ludicrously deficient. it is hard to guess what ghastly failures would occur on service. and the writers who urge that the men should be allowed to train themselves in the bush instead of being drilled on the parade ground are correct enough so far as their views go. nine hundred men were left absolutely starving in a camp alongside a big city through some officer's blunder. The men can learn the drill in a few days. and to rely upon the "intuitive quic ness" of our citizen soldiers. but how are the officers to learn their transport and commissariat wor unless the troops are moved about? An army that cannot move is li e a sna e with                       . transport. but that is a matter of opinion. Various well-meaning people have flooded the press with suggestions that all we need to do is to give the men a rifle each and a few pac ets of ammunition. the riding and shooting they can teach themselves. and a matter not so much of theory as of practice. In their pride at the achievements of our troops in Africa. and some troops actually left the camp and came into town because they could not get the first essential for their comfort--water to live on. and transport large bodies of men is a very difficult matter. It is true enough that riding and shooting are of more importance than drill. and the Minister is promising to see that no "extravagance" in matters military shall occur. people are apt to forget that all the commissariat. the communications were all defective. and that is the training of the officers. It is an old saying that an army "travels on its stomach". The supplies. horse supply. If these bungles occur in a fixed camp with plenty of time to prepare beforehand and within telephone distance of every conceivable requirement.OUR FEDERAL ARMY AND ITS COST One of the most important questions of the day is the amount of money to be expended on our Federal Army. There has hardly ever been a fixed camp held in any colony but what some more or less important hitch occurred in the arrangements. ready to ta e the field at a moment's notice and to fight when required. In one case the bread was left behind. clothe. The men must be fed. The practice of putting out troops into standing camps and putting them through a few manoeuvres every year is absurd and ridiculous. But there is a much more important matter than the training of the men. After a few wee s of this sort of practice the men are expected to be a serviceable force of "self-trained experts". clothes supply and ammunition supply wor was done for us by the English officers--done badly enough. People are urging in all seriousness that no further training is needed.

and his officers bought by the loss and suffering of the troops that nowledge which they should have had by training and experience. Kipling's line might well be altered to read. Their losses in battle were very small. and the New South Wales people were delighted to thin that they could put so many men into the field at such short notice. For another example --in the American War of Independence Washington sent to the Congress a message to say in effect: Don't send me any more men--send me boots and food. even as ours are. in terrible straits for want of supplies. nor even Lord Roberts himself. The self-constituted authorities on military matters appear to thin that men can fight without blan ets. it is utterly powerless against a mobile foe. "the bac bone of the army is the commissariat men". The result was that his commissariat transport arrangements bro e down. but their officers were untrained and unsupplied. that must be left to the judgment of the general selected by the Commonwealth. we must be prepared to spend enough money to equip the men and to move them about. An unfed army is useless for any purpose. He too the field with a force largely composed of American frontiersmen. "What is your transport and equipment li e?" and if our legislators are going to deny him a fairly free hand in these matters they might just as well ship him bac to England at once and revert to the old slipshod penny wise and pound                                                     . As for the system to be adopted. grumbling rabble if as ed to move for a few days' journey under present arrangements. The Boers surrendered in thousands simply because they had no supply organis-ation. In the past the military votes have been starved down until there is now no Australian colony that could put even its small handful of men into the field properly equipped. and we need not go far to loo for an example. and it was only by superhuman effort that he ept his men together till bitter experience taught the authorities to give him the necessary supplies to carry on the war. These matters are so obvious that it becomes the duty of even the Labour party. and blan ets and clothes. and without supplies of any ind. and supplies for the men that I have. their s ill as bushmen and riflemen was beyond question. his troops could be trac ed in the snow by the blood mar s made by their bare. bleeding feet. opposed to military expenditure as they are. And any army of "self-trained experts" would be an unfed. to open their purse strings sufficiently to allow our forces the necessary transport and commissariat equipment and to give our officers the necessary experience. disorganised. as the cables tell us. If General Pole-Carew comes over here the first thing he will as will be. but whatever general comes and whatever system he adopts. Not General Pole-Carew nor Ian Hamilton. and those who are fighting on are. and their resistance must fail as soon as the farms are stripped of their contents. without food. At the Du e of Yor 's parade in Sydney there were 8000 men present. whose fighting capacity was equal to that of any nation in the world. These are lessons by which we should profit. but his officers were untrained and his political superiors grudged him the money necessary for the war. But if an alarm had come that an enemy had landed at Eden. and what arrangements they were able to ma e bro e down appallingly. They lost half of their army through desertion from want of food. could we have marched those 8000 men down to the threatened spot? They could not have been got under way at all for want of transport equipment. and could not carry on for want of food. could train our forces or ma e an army of them unless the officers are trained in their wor .its bac bro en.

who wor harder for opium-ash than for money. Granted that prices                                             . and a handful of blac s. If this could be done without any serious brea down then we would now that we have a serviceable force. and the handling of them can only be learnt by practice.foolish style which now characterises our military administration. The extra men could be got at a moment's notice--men unequalled in the world as material for soldiers--and a few days would teach them all the drill they require. We shall have no excuse if we ma e a similar blunder in this country. 13 July 1901 THE BULLOCK HAVING WRITTEN of the merino sheep. You buy your breeding herd for a ridiculously low price. a couple of half-civilised white stoc men at low wages. it is time to treat of the other great Australian delusion--the bulloc . there are no shearers to pay. stupid. and to deny our officers the chance of practising is poor economy indeed. without other refreshment. say. on remote stations in the Never Never land. and it is to this want of practice that he ascribes all the bungles made in South Africa. Carts and horses. We are too apt to plume ourselves on the number of men. as the bulloc wal s himself down to his own doom. and we do not loo enough to their efficiency. The Sydney Morning Herald. under the blazing tropic sun. simply to satisfy their craving for vegetable food. that on paper there is a fortune in nearly every cattle station. The author of The Absent-Minded War complains bitterly that the English officers are not allowed to gain experience by actual marching of their troops with supply waggons and all complete. sullen-eyed. These things cost money. and vindictive--is bred away out in Queensland. they struggle with the bulloc from year's end to year's end. The fact is. thousands of miles of it. Your expenses consist of a manager. Bombala. The officers were learning their business as the war went on. among flies and dust and loneliness. A good test of the efficiency of our troops would be for us to march a large force by road to. and flattering ourselves that we could put those four or five thousand men into the field if wanted. and there meet the Melbourne forces who have marched there similarly on their side. The standing camp busi-ness is a mere farce: it is no use herding four or five thousand men where they can ring up on a telephone for any supplies they may have forgotten. It is better to have a few men and let the officers learn their business than to have a lot of men and leave the officers untrained. It is not to be supposed that they ta e up this ind of thing for fun. and hospital stores and ammunition. Plant costs nothing. and syndicates are formed to ta e up country and stoc it with cattle. You get your country. and blan ets and rations. on long-dated bills. and occasionally eat a whole bottle of hot pic les at a sitting. where the men live on damper and beef exclusively. It loo s so beautifully simple--on paper. for next to nothing. The pursuit of the Boers by the British troops was always hampered by the antiquated transport system adopted. improvements nothing--no woolshed is needed. no carriage to mar et. and learning it at a terrible cost to the nation in lives and money. The true typical Australian bulloc --long-horned. The man who wor ed cattle for sport would wheel bric s for amuse-ment. At periodical intervals a boom in cattle country arises in the cities. Here. all require to be in first-class order before the troops can move effectively. who toils for a share of the profits.

all facing different ways. Anyone snea ing about frightens them. and the big strong cattle slin away by themselves and stand under trees glaring savagely till death comes. they will probably wal bac into the floodwater and get drowned as soon as their owner turns his bac . It always comes--after the cattle are dead. They sort themselves into their own mobs. That's when the dead men fly. That's when the dead men fly. where they are supposed to increase and multiply and enrich their owners. and away into the dar ness. they are not suicidal. than to surprise them by a noiseless appearance. Only the frightened cattle see them. why is it that. at some invisible cause of alarm. some lying asleep. in an instant. Sheep are all ali e. The drovers on the road with a mob of cattle get to now the habits and tendencies of each particular bulloc . if given half a chance. In poor Boa e's "Where the Dead Men Lie" he says Only the hand of night can free them. Alas! for such hopes. the whole mob are on their feet and all racing in the same direction. one can easily understand their preference for death. but it always ends in the same way. The one-eyed bulloc that always po es away out to the side of the mob. it would need volumes. when hundreds of cattle are in camp at night. tottering wrec . Put the figures before the oldest and most experienced cattle man. Sheep can be shifted when their pasture fails.are low. it is better to whistle and sing. but you can't shift cattle. they breed habitually. strong beast is a miserable. As for describing the animals themselves. Then they fall away and get wea . and he will fail to show why they don't wor out right. No one ever yet made any money out of cattle. they pic out the best bits of country. and let them now somebody is there. and the next thing is that they charge right fair over the top of somebody on the opposite side of them. See the dead men go by. and when one comes to thin of the life they lead. Or else Providence sends the pleuro. No one has ever yet been able to explain exactly how the deficit gets in. Once cattle get really low in condition. Cattle on a camp see ghosts. But. but cattle are all different. That's when the dead men ta e their pleasure. will do their best to prolong existence. Cloven hoofs beating out one measure. And yet they never do. and when they come down to drin they bog in the muddy waterholes and die there. but cattle. shrun en. the inquisitive bulloc that is always wal ing over towards the drover as if he were going to spea to him. they eat off all the grass near the water and have to travel far out for a feed after getting a drin . they are done for. sure enough--else. It is not exactly the fault of the animals themselves. still it is obvious that there must be huge profits in the business. So the cattle start away out to "the country". The hand of fate is against them. If they are running on flooded country and are driven off when a flood comes. some standing. There is a curse on cattle. If a drought comes. Sheep would sooner die than live. away from some unseen terror? It doesn't do to snea around cattle at night. Or else the tic attac s them. They would die quic er on the roads than on their own run. frightening themselves more and more as they                                                               . The only thing is to watch and pray for rain. and soon a fine. as a rule. Bidding the drovers now no leisure. There is a curse on cattle. they find their way to the water. the agitator bulloc who is always trying to get up a stampede and prodding the others with his horns.

and inasmuch as "the boss" never ma es any money out of cattle. and playing the dic ens with themselves generally. They galloped round the astonished cattle and crac ed their whips and spurred their horses till they roused the weary mob to a fair amount of                                                                       . In Australia the most opprobrious epithet one can apply to a man or other object is "cow". sets a dog on him. All the cussedness of the bovine race is centred in the cow. having got the calf penned up. But if the calf can be separated from the cow. He will not move till the old lady gives him orders to do so. Sheep men li e to thin that they now all about cattle. He will follow a horse and rider up to the yard thin ing he is after his mother. the merest staggering Bob two days old. propped up with stoc s to prevent her throwing herself down. while the stoc man gets his wages. To a species of feminine perversity. and then utter a roar that can be heard two miles off. will lie as close as a sna e in cover if left in hiding by his mother. Nobody ever heard of a stoc men's stri e. she will put her head through the fence. charge at men and horses indiscriminately. as if she never had a calf in her life. The calf seconds her efforts with great judgment. nowing her turn and behaving li e a decent animal. a cow adds a fiendish ingenuity in ma ing trouble. The very youngest calf. though she will bellow instructions to him from the rear. and could wor them if they chose. A quiet mil ing cow will "plant" a young calf with such s ill that ten stoc men cannot find him in a one-mile paddoc . and his cries soon fetch the old cow full run to his assistance. After a while she steadies down and will wal into the bail. and in this respect they differ from sheep. till at last he had to deliver the remnant to a small sheep man near Braidwood who was buying a few hundred cattle as a spec. but the calf thin s it over for a moment. While the search goes on the cow grazes unconcernedly. Once in the yard she is roped. he loses all his sense. In the whole range of a bulloc driver's vocabulary there is no word that expresses his blistering scorn so well as "cow". all riding stable-fed horses and brandishing twenty-foot whips. It would stun a human being on the spot. whose movements can be predicted to an absolute certainty. the latter may be considered as having the better position of the two. how does he learn this tric ? For a calf is a born fool if ever there was one. But the sheep man and his satellites came out. the cattle had been on the road eight months and were as quiet as mil ers. There is an element of danger in dealing with cattle that ma es men smart and self-reliant and independent. as if she were going to whisper. A Queensland drover once too a big mob from the Gulf right down through New South Wales. By chance he may be discovered and then one notices a curious thing. The true stoc rider thin s himself just as good a man as his boss. and mil ed by sheer brute force. smashing against trees and stumps. By the time they arrived. and clear out with her calf for the thic est timber in the most rugged part of the cree bed. One may handle him and pull him about without getting a move out of him. Cows and calves have no idea of sound or distance. hauled into the bail. place her mouth against his ear.go. and then answers with a prolonged yell in the old cow's ear. If sufficiently persecuted he will at last sing out for help. selling various lots as he went. Men who deal with sheep get gloomy and morbid. and wishes to communicate with him. one cannot ever say for certain what they will do. determined to sell their lives dearly. Cattle "on the road" are unaccountable animals. and the cow will arrive full gallop. Then the guileless agriculturist. If a cow is on the opposite side of the fence from her calf. brea ing legs and ribs. and are for ever stri ing. The cow is the mother of the bulloc . Now. So the dialogue goes on for a half day without either party dropping dead. defying man to get her to the yard.

simply remar ing. but is at once chec ed. trying to force his way in again among the others. the great mob of parti-coloured cattle eddying rest-lessly about. horse and man wor ing together. These the head drover delivered to the buyer. that wherever he turns the man and horse are confronting him with the dreaded whip. the man with his eye fixed on the selected animal. A bulloc is wanted that is right in among a throng of others. and the moment that a bad rider gets on them and begins to haul their mouths about. seeing the hash the sheep men were ma ing of the cutting out. and toil all day dodging the lumbering bulloc s out of the mob. and his mother's mother before him. watchful. and in among the sullen. thrusting at each other with their horns. The Bulletin. and the horses--big stupid creatures that they are. doubly pleasant to watch because of the undoubted interest that the horse ta es in it. Every animal has his own amount of brain power. the horse glancing eagerly about him trying to discover which is the one wanted. and blessed with little sense--they are pathetically anxious to do such wor as they can understand. and in that second the stoc man dashes his horse in between them and the main body. The press divides and the white steer that is wanted scuttles along the edge of the mob. quic and resolute. but the white steer finds." And now. At last. having dealt with the sheep and the bulloc by the grace of the editor. there rises a vision of a cattle camp on an open plain. their well-trained camp-horses had cut out the required number. the long grass rustling below. Then they started to cut out some that they wanted. "wor ing" them with a nowledge which was instilled into his mother. sitting on their patient leg-weary horses. He half starts towards a big bald-faced bulloc . So they go into the cutting out camp with a zest. and seems to ta e pleasure from exercising it.excitement. Which reminds me that. and all was turmoil and confusion. while the horse and rider return to cut out another. they get aw ward and frightened. A collie puppy will amuse himself by yarding fowls into a stable. 7 December 1901 AN INFORMAL LETTER FROM LONDON                                                               . cursed with highly strung nerves. resting on the saddles they had occupied almost continuously for eight months. It will be a labour of love. to his dismay. and in a little while. without crac of whip or shout of voice. Those not wanted are allowed to run bac . At last the bulloc sees the outlying mob which he is required to join. the blue s y overhead. "Many's the time you never cut out cattle. The Queensland drovers loo ed on amazed. and the whips maddened the cattle. The horses rushed and pulled. the drovers set to wor . as I write. and trots off to them quite happy. Suddenly he and two or three others are momentarily eddied out onto the outs irts of the mob. The lumbering beasts rush hurriedly hither and thither trying to return to their comrades. their nerves overcome them. and a horse that is a crac camp horse in one man's hands is a hopeless brute in the hands of another. It is a pretty exhibition of s ill and intelligence. Way! ma e way! and the horse and rider edge into the restless sea of cattle. half-savage animals go the light. He doubles and dodges and ma es feints to charge. I will someday write a treatise on the 'orse. wiry stoc riders. but the horse antici-pates every movement and wheels quic er than the bulloc and bloc s his return.

a political career. Loo at me. with their passengers huddled inside. the best of everythin 's good enough for us. all the luxuries of the world come to London. or even any decent sort of dar ness to drive by. "Of course we now. why was he dismissed? I was tal ing this over with an English gentleman interested in political matters and having considerable nowledge of affairs." I thought he must have a lot of time to enjoy luxuries. "Ah! You don't see fogs li e that in no other part of the world!" There is a beautiful serene self-complacency about these people that one can never sufficiently admire. the whole city was cho ing in a ind of yellow gloom. and the latter certainly don't bother themselves at all about the public. the old well-trained bus horses pic ing their way along li e two well-regulated machines. The theatres nearly all closed their doors. and I'm sixteen hours a day on this bus. I said. but I didn't try to tell the busman about them. We were moving up the Strand in a stream of traffic. The Ministry have thought it better not to publish them. He went on placidly. "Why don't the public insist on their publishing them?" I saw a hundred thousand people in Hyde Par --certainly most of them had only gone there for what is to them a day's sport in the country--to go into Hyde Par                                                               . tal ing it over with an English bus driver next morning he said with the greatest pride. THE PUBLIC AND THE POLITICIANS Public affairs here are conducted on quite a different basis from ours. and the whole question could be settled in five minutes. out of which the whistles of the bus conductors and the shouts of cabmen rose li e the din of fiends in a pit of torment. and the papers can be seen by us. "Ah! You don't see drivin' li e this in no other part of the world!" I thought of various little bits of driving that I had seen some of Cobb and Co. why was he appointed to command the First Army Corps? (3) Being so appointed. and yet. What do they understand? Beefy face and grubby 'and. but this awful yellow shroud cho ed everything. they don't as really because they are too apathetic. but not officially. all the facts about Buller. To give an example. and simply pulled up and waited for daylight. halted every now and again by policemen.A YELLOW GLOOM I ARRIVED in London on the evening of the record fog. The papers and records dealing with Buller are all nown to be at the War Office. the cabmen wouldn't even try to ta e people home--a five-pound note was vainly offered by one man for a drive of half an hour--what would have been half an hour's drive if there had been any light. here. The Buller affair is just now ma ing as much commotion as anything can ma e in this vast wilderness. He said.'s men do on dar nights with unbro en horses in very bro en country. and the busman said to me with conscious superiority. but we would expect them to as --(1) Did Buller ma e blunders in Africa sufficient to justify his recall? (2) If so. and the newspapers now. and it's a healthy place too. li e the army. If they do publish them--" and he left it to be inferred that things would be very bad for Buller. "Ah. Trafalgar Square was full of buses all night. is a matter for the "classes"--wealthy or respectable--and the public don't bother themselves much about the politicians. doing about four miles an hour. I'm past fifty. The public as --at least. buses that had failed to ma e their way home. London for me.

with us if a sergeant of Volunteers is disrated for drun enness there is a Labour member to demand a special committee of the House to inquire into it. I went to the War Office. all our national representatives who are doing well them-selves are not disposed                                     . and each has its drawbac s. In other circles it is the greatest rarity to meet an Australian." After hearing him. the centre of public indifference in London just now (you can't say public interest. and would tell their constituents what was the truth. Instead of that a peaceful. one would expect to find it besieged by a crowd of people. who are getting their ten or twenty pounds a page for inferior wor --wor that sells because of the name and not because of its merit.and boohoo at the mention of Lord Roberts--but still they were there. considering that the war is in full swing." PUBLIC INDIFFERENCE "Well. and the others who have succeeded are always ready to give a hand to their countrywomen who have only started to ma e their way. too. and curiously enough they are nearly all engaged in music. Melba. and seeing a few things for myself. Ada Crossley. I appeared to be the only visitor they had that day. and before long they always seem to drop into some steady wor . because there is no public interest that one can see). England and Australia are at the two extremes in political matters. He said. and the music hall singers are getting great applause for "extra verses" about Buller. politicians with blunt axes that wanted grinding. there would be a dozen members of Parliament who would go and demand the papers. it is an amazing country. Are we an artistic nation? One would be forced to that conclusion by visiting the artistic circles here. or art of some sort. literature. You pay your money and don't have any choice. In fact. Those are the two systems. with an air of settling the matter. It appears to be nobody's business to interpose. if anything as important as this occurred. till he. "in Australia. The same with the singers. gets his ten or twenty pounds a page. There would be a member on every step of the War Office stairs waiting till it opened in the morning and a howling crowd of their constituents outside. Here a general may half wrec an Empire and no one does anything. WHERE AUSTRALIANS ABOUND If one nows where to go and loo for them London holds a fair number of Australians. one would expect to find inventors with new explosives. and all appear to do fairly well. "But I told you the Ministry don't thin it worthwhile to publish the papers. I began to realise how it was that the favouritism and contemptuous disregard for public interest that we constantly saw in Africa could go unremar ed and unchec ed. so hard--on the few pounds of capital that their friends have got together for them. in these circles they abound. and the same is the case with the artists. Florence Schmidt. and the press are trying to raise a clamour about Buller. and yet no one nows in the least how the affair really stands. By and by the Australian wor s up. colonels with new schemes to end the war. and one characteristic thing is that they always help each other. The girls come over here and go into humble little lodgings and wor hard--oh. Truly. They ta e all sorts of small concert engagements. tranquil calm rested over the place." I said. Our artists come over and grimly set to wor at any wor they can get at any rate of pay they can command--a proceeding that does not commend itself to the "established" artists.

and before long each tries to outdo the other in stories. Our Australian view of it is rather li e that of an old bac -bloc friend of mine. The latest is that an Australian and an Indian met at a club. I have never seen more than a few lines of Australian news in any paper. and then said in a hushed voice. Australia is the least nown place in the world here. Kubeli the violinist came here an un nown foreigner. a butcher up Walgett way. We get good fun out of meeting men from other parts of the world sometimes. and played at a cheap concert as a start. and the tal was on grass. probably her last) appearance on a concert platform. and one debutante more or less ma es just about as much difference as one hailstone more or less. couldn't get along. mainly because of the visit of the Prince and Princess of Wales. and the night after an Austrian princess made her first (and. I assure you!" The Australian drew at his pipe for one second. The general public rather resented it. with the impression of great reserve power behind it--which is such a charm in a singer. "Well. The girl's singing is wonderful. 11 January 1902 A FIGHTING GENERAL                                               ." The Sydney Morning Herald." said the Indian.to forget others. the contrast in the two performances was all in Amy Castles' favour. Bill. "I've positively seen grass so high and thic that the elephants couldn't force their way through it. fresh air. for all are treated ali e with indifference. mostly from the top of a bus--the old man said with great complacency. Positively. the terrifically hard wor . Amy Castles' debut was a great Australian function. it is whispered. the impossibility of getting any exercise. "Grass? my dear fellow. Down in Australia we are apt to read inflated cablegrams. The singers of all nations "debut" here at the rate of about four a day. They fall into London li e hail into a pond. when she sang just before a leading concert soprano well nown in London. and very rarely does any at all appear. and at another concert. "Would you mind changing the subject? Ever since I was out in the Territory" (pause) "and a blade of grass fell on a friend of mine and illed him--I hate tal ing about grass. But none of them li e the life here. The other girl had to strive visibly for her high notes. and get an undue idea of our own importance. EVERYONE HAS A CHANCE That is one of the greatest fascinations of London life--the fact that everyone has a chance. but her friends rather made a mista e in "pac ing" the hall and ma ing it apparent that the "success" and "enthusiasm" were all arranged beforehand. who sent his son down to Sydney at the time of the Jubilee celebration. the London press are beginning to ta e some interest in it now. but Amy Castles just simply opened her mouth and the notes came--a regular flood of melody. the debut of an Australian singer is not an important event. When the hopeful came bac --after seeing the crowds and the festivities. or change. the night before Amy Castles there appeared a new Russian singer. what did they thin of yer in Sydney? I suppose they were all tal in' about yer?" And Bill was silent. each gets telling the other about the place he comes from. and there is no royal road to a success.

and his quic ness of decision never seemed to falter. for he would throw away men's lives rather than fail in his plans. He had been a great athlete and boxer in his day. as the passes were all held against him by British troops. who always pushed on and pursued the enemy and too ris s and made dashing marches. with just his own personal staff round him. and Methuen's division was always a happy family. though he was nearly sixty years of age. The result is ancient history by now. while his fate as a soldier hung in the balance. He had many Australians under him. here. Fatigue he never seemed to now. but by some awful blunder the Ne was vacated a few hours before De Wet's vanguard arrived. only to find that through some want of co-operation on the part of other columns the enemy had slipped through a gap and got away. Lord Roberts found that he could not do without him. His capture seemed certain. while stay-at-home generals. and De Wet was abandoning waggons. and horses. and was "too fond of a fight". After this Lord Roberts superseded Lord Methuen in direct command. and the latter idled away some wee s on the ban s of the Modder--a general without an army. all along the route.OF ALL the generals at the war none commanded more personal loyalty from all who served under him than did Lord Methuen. In all the earlier fights his men had carried the positions by brilliant dash. and nothing was left at Modder River station but a mushroom forest of empty tents. time and again he pushed his division along with worn-out horses and sleepless men. should be humiliated. In his dealings with those under him he was always courteous. but the truth of the rumour will never be nown till the sea gives up its dead--or until the despatches are all published. He was a fighting man in every inch of his 6 feet 3 inches of height. Certainly he was an expensive General. The pursuing forces were so exhausted that they could scarcely crawl along. the brigade were decimated before they had time to ma e their rush. The severest disappointment he ever encountered was when he chased De Wet for days. unli e some other commands in which there arose friction. Army report ascribed this fiasco to the versatile Baden-Powell. and it is the irony of fate that he. who would not move a yard without supports. are able to pose as "successful generals". He would travel his fifteen or twenty miles a day on foot. and who never did any good in the war. up to the passes at Oliphant's Ne . the disaster could not have occurred. guns. Here he attended to all detail wor of the lines of communication. if such an expression can be used about a general. fighting every day. On those forced marches Lord Methuen would start the column away and then wal right through it--a gaunt old figure striding along at the head of his staff--while his saddled horse was led in readiness behind him. But he also was expensive to the enemy on many occasions. In the early part of the war he sent his division remorselessly against the opjes of Belmont and Grasspan. but if the ground had been properly scouted. never seeming weary. The army under Lord Roberts had gone on up the Modder River after the flying Cronje. Among these Methuen had his camp. and restored him to command of a division. With this division he was mainly engaged in pursuit of De Wet. It was this sense of personal attachment to their leader that made all his subordinates do their utmost to carry out his wishes. He always showed extreme care in choosing a                                 . and had a very high opinion of them as soldiers. owing to coming unexpectedly on the trenches in the dar . and attac ed the trenches in the Modder River. The moment that his division came in touch with the enemy his mind was made up. Then came his great reverse of Magersfontein.

First sight of Australia. than to have succeeded by never doing anything. and Methuen has met his Waterloo. "Passed Proudfoot shoal and arrived at Thursday Island. Methuen scored off Delarey more than once. and he had a very dangerous district to patrol. and told us about pearls worth £1. It has been managed at last. They are all pearl fishers or pilots. The following description of a night at Thirsty Island is ta en verbatim from a new chum's noteboo . Thirsty (miscalled Thursday) Island is the outlying pub of Australia. a lonely public house waiting by the roadside to give him welcome. When the vessel ma es fast. who apparently are such simple fol . Thirsty Island is a nice place--to loo at. They tal ed to the passengers about the Boer War. Some invaded the Captain's cabin. sitting li e a sentinel at the gate of the Torres Straits. caste and creed under Heaven. and bac of the town are the barrac s and a fort nestled in among the trees on the hillside. and bac of it all a little galvanised iron town shining in the sun. and that. The meagre details to hand do not give any idea how the disaster occurred. ta ing on one occasion practically the whole of the Boer general's waggons. and the watchful Delarey always on the alert to swoop down on him. As the China and British-India steamers arrive from the north the first place they come to is Thirsty Island. One captain pulled a handful of loose pearls out of a jar and handed them round in a casual way for us to loo at. cool south-east wind blows: the snow-white beach is splashed with spray and dotted with the picturesque figures of Japanese divers and South Sea Island boatmen. at any rate. 12 March 1902 THIRSTY ISLAND As THE traveller approaches any bush township he is sure to meet. they haven't come all the way to Thursday Island to be taught anything. Lot of men came aboard. the new chums thin that they have little to learn in the way of drin . Coconut palms line the roads by the beach. Those who now Methuen best are very sure that it has not been through carelessness on his part. others sat in the smo ing room. Fresh from the iniquities of the China coast coc tail and the unhallowed orgies of the Sourabaya Club.000 men. at some distance from the main town. even though it ended in a mishap. The stewards opened drin s and we all sat down for a drin                                               .camp and in ma ing a country safe before he marched through it. The new chums on the steamers see a fleet of white-sailed pearling luggers. all called Captain. a long pier clustered with a hybrid crowd of every colour. The new chums are inclined to patronise these poor outlying people. the Thirsty Islanders come down to greet the newcomers and give them their welcome to Australia. For nine months of the year a crisp. but could never manage it.000 that had been found lately. The Boer prisoners often stated that they were always trying to surprise Methuen. not a bit li e bushmen as I expected. When they came aboard they divided into parties. but now the fortune of war has thrown the English general into the power of his enemy. But it is almost better to have put up his record of unwearied fighting and marching. The Sydney Morning Herald. but his troops dwindled in number down to about 1. the rest crowded into the saloon. Poor new chums! Little do they now the ind of people they are up against.

smo ing room empty. and who was now sleeping peacefully with his feet on the sofa and his head on the floor. The Japanese are not loo ed upon with favour by the white islanders. Another passenger--a Jew--was trying to buy some pearls cheap from the captains. but he never could remember names. and the pearler said very li ely he had met 'em. but did not answer. It seems he was shrewdly suspected of having tried to drown another member by cutting his air pipe. leaving a demoralised ship behind them. It is very rarely that any Islander gets helplessly drun . About two in the morning they go home speechless. and "blow it in". and he simply had to drin . I spo e to one captain--an oldish man--and he grinned amiably. The local loc -up has a record of eighteen drun s being run in in seven minutes. They send their money to Japan--thousands of pounds go through this little office in a year. and some of the passengers seemed to be ta ing more than was good for them. One passenger gave his steward a sovereign. but strangers generally have to be put to bed. who has seen many messroom drun s. unsteadily. they were dragged along by the scruff of the nec mostly. when he died. stewards ditto. They nife each other sometimes. One time pa-lenty ric atta [plenty regatta]. for their usual evening soa . the rails lined with firemen who had business over the side. but still on their feet. And young MacTavish. so. li e men. A ind of contagious thirst spread round the ship. bring all the money that they do not spend on the pearling schooners to the island. They drin weird compounds sometimes--horehound beer. The night wore on. all same Isle o' Wight. They have a club of their own. saying. Young MacTavish slept profoundly. The night was very hot and close.' Conversation and drin became general. and still the drin s circulated. the Islanders just drop into the pubs. The saloon full of captains and passengers--the latter mostly in a state of collapse or laughing and singing in a delirium of drin . Another captain leaned over to me and said. and things li e that. They weren't ta en along in carriages and four. The Manila men and ana as and Torres Strait Islanders. and no doubt he'd remember their faces if he saw them. 'My God! Is all Australia li e this place?'" When no ships arrive. About three in the morning a tour of the ship disclosed the following state of affairs: captains' room full of captains gravely and solemnly tight. then at last the Thursday Islanders departed. 'Don't ta e any notice of him. The saloon became an inferno of drin and sweat and tobacco smo e. but they are "good for trade". and lately held a dinner to mar the death of one of their members. he's been boozed all this wee . Another steward was observed openly drin ing the passengers' whis y. he didn't even attempt to defend himself--the great Thursday Island thirst seemed to have communicated itself to everyone on board. All money go Japan!"                                                                                       . who is in a crac English regiment. and now and again they have to be run in wholesale. the South Sea diver. the club celebrated the event. but still able to travel. Billy Mal eela. The Japanese on the island are a strong faction. and in half an hour the steward was carried to his berth in a fit--the fit being alcoholic in its origin. was as ing the captain of a pearling lugger whether he didn't now Talbot de Cholmondeley in the Blues. except for the inanimate form of the captain who had been boozed all the wee . When accused. as he was leaving the ship.and a smo e. Now no more ric atta. as a matter of routine. and before long the stewards and firemen were at it. Young MacTavish. staggered to his berth. Perfect strangers were tal ing to each other at the top of their voices. either. nown as "lady dog". on the other hand. but the more the captains dran the less anxious they became to tal about pearls. summed up the Japanese question--"Seems to me dis Islan' soon b'long Japanee altogedder. in money orders--and so they are not "good for trade".

but who are very rare now in the settled districts: droughts and overdrafts have hardened the squatters' hearts and they are no longer content to board and lodge indefinitely the scapegrace who claims their hospitality. The captain of the schooner went below and got his rifle and put two bullets through their foresail.An English new chum made his appearance here lately--a most undefeated sportsman. he never saw the pearl and threw the oyster into the scuppers with the rest. the horehound beer. The Bulletin. They determined not to go on board. Morant lived in the bush the curious nomadic life of the Ishmaelite. as it was late. From fox hunting to riding at shows. If an invading fleet comes this way it should be encouraged by every possible means to land at the island. and the Islanders may be trusted to do the rest. They carry it to extremes sometimes. and the captain of the schooner eyed them reproachfully. even yet in Queensland it is quite common for a young fellow to ride up to a station with all his worldly goods on a pac horse and let his horses go in the paddoc and stay for months. the ne'er-do-well. there was nothing in the way of sport that Morant would not tac le. "but if it ever happens again I'll fire at the dec . The pearlers go out in schooners called floating stations (their enemies call them floating public houses). and no man nows what hospitality is till he has been a guest on a pearling schooner. 5 April 1902 THE LATE LIEUTENANT MORANT A Personal S etch The photograph shows the late Lieutenant Morant. because the hardships he went through to avoid wor ing were much more formidable than the wor itself would have been. the thirst. The photograph is characteristic of the man and of the life he led. and were passing by one of these schooners. it was an invitation almost equivalent to a royal command. and they were in a hurry. Some pearlers were out in a lugger. he was a first-class horse brea er and a good man to teach a young horse to jump fences. and was trying to climb it under the impression that he was still at the bottom of the ocean. They felt heartily ashamed of themselves as they slun up on dec . "I couldn't let you disgrace yourselves by passing my schooner. then the heat. He made for the foot of a tree. with a nerve unsha en. and when he was young. of whom there are still many to be found about north Queensland. joining in the wor of the station. He was put down in a diving dress in about eight feet of water." There is a fort and garrison at Thirsty Island but they are not needed. all his life he feared nothing but hard wor --or rather sustained steady wor ." he said. A man that would pass a schooner in broad daylight is better dead. where he bubbled and struggled about in great style. he was an excellent rough rider. The pearlers thought to get some fun out of him by giving him an oyster to open in which they had previously planted a pearl. An Englishman by birth. It was funny--but not in the way they had intended. when he was hauled in by the life line. but not getting any pay--except a pound or two by way of loan from the "boss" now and                                     . and the pearlers had to go down on all fours and grope for that pearl among the stin ing oysters. He was an ardent devotee of sport. Then they put the helm down and went aboard. ta en while boxing with a friend on a station away out in the Bour e district. Suddenly he turned and made a rush for the beach and an ebony wit suggested that he was going up to see the diver's wife.

torn limb from limb. Bac of these there are the sheds for produce. Those who new him best say that he would sooner have given a sic Boer the coat off his bac than shot him for any money--especially Transvaal paper money--that he might have about him. these trips involved borrowings and difficulties that would have driven differently constituted men out of their minds. and ride him till he had noc ed the nonsense out of him. he was a spendthrift and an idler. and though he claimed to be the descendant of a leading English family he never affected the "swell" in his manner.again--and leaving at last to go on a droving trip. Morant had one peculiarity. as he had no money. but in New South Wales the type is practically extinct. and he never tried to dress himself up to act the part of the well-connected "adventurer". With a good commander over him he might have made a fine soldier. and the machinery sections. given for nothing to avoid having to wor . and the idea that he would ta e or order the ta ing of the life of an unarmed man for the sa e of gain is utterly inconsistent with every trait of his character. or of caution. maybe--to turn their lives from failures to successes? His death was consistent with his life. He gambled with his chances all through life. and a listless crowd of bac -country settlers hanging around the fence. for though he died as a criminal he died a brave man facing the rifles with his eyes unbandaged. But Morant used to manage to eep his place among his friends--and they were many--but how he managed it was always a problem. What is it that such men lac --just a touch of determination. with the cunning of the sna e. In character he was indhearted and good-natured to the last degree. As it turned out he got into exactly the worst company that a man of his temperament could have met--it was always so with him.                                               . and he would travel miles to obtain the udos of riding a really dangerous horse. The Sydney Mail. which perhaps arose from his literary propensities--he was always very untidy in his dress. an enemy to no man but himself. He revelled in excitement and boon companionship. and used to weary of the monotony of the bush and would constantly come to town to "see life". Such then. and no means of earning any beyond a few pounds gained by very fitful wor with his pen. For him Gordon's lines would ma e a fitting epitaph: An aptitude to mar and brea What others diligently ma e That was the best and worst of him. flashes of enjoyment in town so dearly bought that they were worthless. and would then sell him and spend the proceeds--instead of paying his debts--in a visit to an orchestral concert or in the expenses incident to a day's hunting. He never saved a penny in his life. was his life--hard and dangerous labour in the bush. 12 April 1902 SITTING IN JUDGMENT A Show Ring S etch THE SCENE is an Australian country show ring--a circular enclosure of about four acres extent--with a spi ed batten fence round it. quic to borrow and slow to pay--as many literary and other Bohemians have been from time immemorial. he was the same to all men. Brave. and the cards ran against him. Morant was always popular for his dash and courage. with the sea-wolf's courage grim. Money he never valued at its true worth. He would buy a young colt on credit. Wise. Such as he was. Dying hard and dumb.

glaring defiance at the spectators. the dogs being led by attend-ants. The defeated ladies immediately begin to "perform. whizzing past in bewildering succession. with dull vindictive eyes. so they ride haughtily round the ring. but hurriedly and apologetically examines the horses and saddles. and a boxing showman is showing his muscles outside his tent while his partner urges the youth of the district to come in and be thumped for the edification of the audience. great shaggy-fronted bulls. occasionally wa ing up to utter melodious hoots. are being "judged" by a trembling official. a blasé goose is drawing marbles out of a tin canister. blood stallions are standing on their hind legs. go whirling round the ring. dar -faced. thud. motor cars. the horse. Mixed up with the stallions and bulls are dogs and don eys. to as the universe at large whether anyone ever heard the li e of that! But the stewards slip away li e shadows. The cler of the ring--a huge man mounted on a small cob--gallops about. stern-featured women for the most part. dogs. long experience of that tric y animal. Trotting horses and ponies. Crowds of sightseers wander along the cattle stalls and gape at the fat bulloc s. in harness." i. and buzzing. side shows are flourishing. and thundering unnoticed. the smaller the custodian should be. for they sleep peaceably as they wal along.. and screaming defiance at all corners. whispers his award to the stewards. cattle. All the time that the parade is going on. every horse and every driver fully certain that every eye is fixed on them. who are apparently selected on the principle that the larger the dog. roaring out in a voice li e a bull: "This way for the fourteen-stone 'ac s! Come on. and produces a                                           . It is called a general parade. A showground bull always seems to be nursing a grievance. he has been a steeple-chase rider and a trainer in his time. and they are left "performing" to empty benches. and disperse grumbling. who dares not loo any of them in the face. In the centre of the ring a few lady riders. wiry little man. and runs at top speed to the official stand. Then the bulls begin to file out with their grievances still unsettled. which he reaches in safety just as the award is made nown to the competitors. Suddenly a gate opens at the end of the show ring. vehicles. and bicyclists crowd into the arena. stewards and committee men are wandering about among the competitors trying to find the animals to be judged. he mounts the table.where steam threshers and earth scoops are humming. the lady riders are persuaded to withdraw. loo ing as though they were trying to remember who it was that struc them last. thud of the hoofs and the rustle of the wheels. Inside the whirling circle of vehicles. but it might better be described as general chaos. and horses. has made him reserved and slow to express an opinion. pace along. while the don eys are the only creatures absolutely unmoved by their surroundings. till the onloo ers get giddy at the constant thud. you twelve-'and ponies!" and by degrees various classes get judged. the horses--the vainest creatures in the world--arch their nec s.e. and lift their feet up. and the cler of the ring sends a sonorous bellow across the ground: "Where's the jumpin' judges?" From the official stand comes a bris .

" says the little dar man. and this time he gets over. Send 'em in. and canters up to each jump. and say. and is overwhelmed with a sense of his own importance. "My oath! Ain't he clever?" At the third fence he shifts about uneasily as he comes near it and finally darts at it at an angle. and he felt every fence ever he jumped. and clears it by feet. and he leaves a little tuft of hair stic ing in the fence. as he has never judged before in his life. who goes at the fence with a white set face. "He hit it pretty hard. he scornfully contradicts it. from the bar of the booth comes a large. and rises in the air with a leap li e a goat.noteboo . as a rule. we'll each go our own way. clearing them coolly and methodically. "Well." says the fat man. What's this now?" "Number two: Homeward Bound!" And an old solid chestnut horse comes out. and quality. "I always eep a scale of points. waving his hat. while his forelegs get over all right. which." The fat man loo s infinite contempt. red-faced man." says the squatter. clearing about thirty feet quite unnecessarily." he says. They seat themselves on a raised platform in the centre of the ring. is not at all surprising. A man that judges by points ain't a judge at all. firmly. "Number eleven: Spite!" A leggy. ridden by a terrified amateur. while the crowd yell applause. to listen to anybody else's opinion. and when he does listen to it. "Don't he fly 'em?" says one man." says the little man. The third judge is a local squatter. and hold consultation. and stops dead. "Do you use points?" "Never. and rushes him at the fence again. and goes at it at a terrific pace. half racehorse. at the second jump he races right close under the obstacle. and. "Give 'em so many points for each fence." he says. hairy. turning to the squatter. He is a noted show judge. always ma ing his spring at the correct distance from the fence. The rider lets daylight into him with his spurs. The crowd are not struc by the performance. Nearing the fence the horse ma es a wild spring. and so many for the way they jump. shows their confidence. a man whose face shows absolute self-content.                                               . Then give 'em so many for ma e. while the crowd yell their delight again. At the last fence he ma es his spring yards too soon. What do you thin ?" he goes on. "I'll eep points. and again the hurricane of cheers brea s out. The horse races up to the fence." "Number one: Conductor!" roars the ring steward in a voice li e thunder. and the fat man says. props dead. half nondescript. "One loo at the 'orses is enough for me. "I had a bay 'orse once. as a matter of course. "No pace!" but surreptitiously ma es two stro es to indicate number two on the cuff of his shirt. "I li e to see 'em feel their fences. among the jeers of the crowd. because he refuses." "I thin he'll feel that last one for awhile. I rec on. "I never want any scale of points. The small dar man produces his noteboo . weedy chestnut brute. his hind legs drop on the rail with a sounding rap. His rider points him for the first jump. who has never judged before. shape. and a long-legged grey horse comes trotting into the ring and sidles about uneasily.

I've seen him jump splendidly out in the bush. and I give them points for style of jumping. some propping and buc ing over the jumps. He didn't go as fast as a Chinaman could trot with two bas ets of stones." says the fat man. "that's a 'unter. and standing off his fences in a style that would infallibly bring him to grief if following hounds across roads or through bro en timber." Various other competitors come in and do their turn round the ring." he ventures to remar .                                 of         . from a sheer spirit of opposition. and for their ma e and shape and hunting qualities." mista es it for "number eleven. "I li e to see a bit of pace myself. with Gaslight second. but ma es his usual scrawl in the boo . I want to have three of 'em in to have a loo at 'em." This order is shouted across the ground. over brush fences." says the fat man. II. none jumping as a hunter ought to do. "Yes. pic out the 'orse that you would soonest be on if Ned Kelly was after you." "Homeward Bound!" says the fat man.   A couple of rounds narrow the competitors down to a few. weedy chestnut with the terrified amateur up. and seeing a note. "I've judged this 'orse in twenty different shows. comes sidling and snorting out into the ring. and gave him first prize every time!" Gaslight turns out to be a fiddle-headed. pulling double. What I say is. and the tas deciding is then entered upon. The way I bring it out is that Homeward Bound is the best. others with his hind legs. says. and there you have the best 'unter." says the little man. "Now. Some get themselves into difficulties by changing their feet or misjudging their distance. The fat man loo s at him with scorn. "Number twelve: Gaslight!" "Now. the pace he went wouldn't head a duc . and the leggy." and says: "I want number eleven to go another round. while the squatter hastens to agree with the fat man. "No." The little dar man says nothing. has taught him to get the business over as quic ly as he can.Round he goes. that is. when you come to judge at a show. do you?" he says. whose long experience of jumping in shows where they give points for pace. he belongs to a young feller just near me. "You don't call that pace." And the squatter says. "That would be a good horse if he was rode better. if they had any cleverness. heavy-shouldered brute. and are loudly applauded by the crowd for their "cleverness" in getting themselves out of difficulties which. "I have ept a record. The fat man sits on him heavily. you'll see a horse. clouting some fences with his front legs. The crowd jeer. they would not have got into." Here he loo s surreptitiously at his cuff. others rushing and tearing at their fences. as if the affair were a steeplechase. He goes thundering round the ring. "of how they jump each fence." The little man ma es no reply. "What is that fiddle-headed brute doing in the ring?" he says. but the fat man. "Why. "He was only going dead slow. but ma es a note in his boo .

On the luggers the Japanese divers--serious little men--are overhauling their gear. because. I don't believe in this nonsense about points. The sea is as smooth as glass. swimming and racing and shouting with laughter. he has got all the horses jumbled up in his head. and they are ordered to go out and fish until the rest of the fleet are ready. I do want him." The Pastoralists' Review. laughing and chattering with their countrymen." "Well. and the prizes go--Gaslight. By degrees some of the luggers are fully fitted out ready for wor . and the hills of the Australian main-land are wrapped in a blue haze. but he has one fixed idea." The scene closes with twenty dissatisfied competitors riding away from the ring." says the ring steward. "if I said I wanted him. I don't judge the rider. remar s oracularly: "I judge the 'orse. I can judge 'em without that." says the fat man." The terrified amateur goes at the fences with the rashness of despair. or a new meat cas . The sun stri es down dazzlingly on the white sand of Possession Island. and one. The cler of the stores on the schooner consults with the captain as each demand is made. or some other item. the winner. and there is a constant clatter of rowloc s and splash of paddles as the blac boys row the little dinghies from lugger to lugger. and round the schooner there is a cluster of small boats. The little man is overruled. on the beach a crowd of blac men are disporting them-selves. I new it would be all right with old Billy judging. Spite. second. Over the flowing bowl the fat man says. vowing they will never bring another horse there in their lives. are anchored her fleet of a dozen pearling luggers. as to what is to come second he is open to argument. Let him go the round.. Around her. but no reasonable thing is ever refused. Homeward Bound. as he has ept no record. because it is refitting season. 'E nows this 'orse. This puts the fat man in a quandary. first. and the squatter agrees. and on being as ed how he came to give Spite the second prize. or a new anchor. and every lugger wants something--either a new diver's dress. The crowd hoot loudly as Spite's rider comes round with the second ribbon. third. From sheer contrariness he says that number eleven would be "all right if he were rode better". and the small boys suggest to the judge in shrill tones that he ought to boil his head. just opposite the place where Captain Coo landed. and everyone adjourns to have a drin . or a new sail." This silences criticism. viz. li e chic ens round a hen. and narrowly escapes being clouted off on two occasions. saying: "Bly me. 15 May 1902 PEARLING INDUSTRY AT THURSDAY ISLAND: A DAY ON A LUGGER THE SCHOONER Tarawa is lying at anchor in Endeavour Straits. because a diver will not wor with bad gear: so that to be sparing of stores is false economy. "go wal about" they call it."Why. "You see. The fat man stal s majestically into the steward's stand. to give first prize to Gaslight. when they will all move off                                       . "you said you wanted him.

Dese Japanese dey wal over it. also the diver and "tender" sleep aft in a tiny little cabin the size of a dog ennel. and as the lugger moves off the old primeval instincts overcome her civilised training. They are dressed in cheap pyjama trousers. As the boat "goes about" and Billy shifts across the dec she shuffles over with him. et praeterea nihil." As a matter of fact. A slight breeze springs up. and the crea ing of bloc s as the anchors are got up and the sails set in the luggers that are ready for sea. The lugger bends over to the breeze till her lee rail is under water and the spray comes flying aboard. with her nose buried in the small of his bac . but the unaccustomed surround-ings ma e her shy. but very comely. Among the luggers ready for sea is the Pearl. dey do not see it. who has to attend to Billy's lifeline. When he goes ashore in parade order he is majestic. He is very blac . These boys on the Pearl are missionary-trained boys. commanded by Billy Ma eela.together to the pearling grounds out by Radhu Island or down the coast. and away the little white-sailed vessels go. and at once there is a clin ing of pawls. The crew forward consists of four Torres Straits Islanders. We thresh our way to the "old ground"--a large area of open sea about                                                       . a native of the Torres Straits. If he wishes to visit the schooner or another lugger. the Malays and islanders have more natural hunter craft than the Japanese. He confides to us that "dis Billy'e altogether good diver. and there are matters of etiquette in connection with pearl diving which the outsider finds it hard to grasp. Two of them are brothers of Balu. never rows a dinghy. indeed. the Portuguese tender. Aft with Billy and his wife sits Joe. never loo ing up and never letting go his shoulders. and he will outwor them on open bottoms. some of these luggers are designed by the best designers in Australia. and has been in more parts of the world than the Wandering Jew. Billy Ma eela ma es us welcome in a stately way. The diver is always the captain of the lugger. woolly head. each with its crew of happy blac faces forward and its serious little Japanese diver at the helm. Joe has been a steward on various vessels. for instance. The diver. and. a rattle of chain. They have great contempt for the "Binghies" or Australian Aboriginals. she is about 30 years younger than Billy. but for sheer hard wor the Japanese is their master. and Solomon in all his glory is not arrayed li e Billy Ma eela. and all that one can see of her is the bac of a round. As this is only a short trip to ill time till the other luggers are ready. and the South Sea islander. The Torres Straits Islanders are a compound of the Australian blac . while the crew live forward under the half dec . fine specimens of humanity. Balu is very blac . and they can find shell in the reefs and under roc y ledges. and on this lugger the stranger is sent out to see how the pearl oyster is obtained. She can read or write English. they are born natural boatmen and are as much at home in the water as the dugong which they occasionally hunt to death. but that is his service equipment. 'E get shell on de reef. and is clothed in a white print dress which she got at the mission station. so that it is quite a family party. the Malay. one of the crew has to pull the dinghy for him. The sails are white and the gear in good order. a South Sea islander who has been diving for 25 years. Balu. It is the primeval woman trusting blindly to the s ill of the primeval man. but as soon as the lugger is fairly under way they go below and begin to play cards. holding on to his shoulders. and his only clothing is a dirty loincloth. On coming aboard he finds the lugger to be a 10-ton vessel of beautiful yacht-li e lines. Billy has ta en with him his wife. and as Billy squats down by the helm she crouches submissively behind him.

Down below. Joe screws the face-plate into the helmet and Billy suddenly throws himself bac ward with a loud splash into the water. and sin s slowly--a grim. Billy. gun metal helmet and two lead weights to hang over the shoulders. Down mainsail. Let go. and "haul up" must be obeyed at once. Arrived at the new ground Billy dives for another hour or so. is not concerned at her husband's peril. Dat'll do. because if the other orders are muddled it only means the loss of a shell or two. If he chanced to find that he was descending just over a big valley in the bottom of the sea. and Joe calls over his shoulder to the two boys at the pump. Once alongside he clutches the ladder and hands up his little open bas et full of shells. a ghastly. Two sharp vicious pulls come. holds the lifeline. and wants the lugger to drift over to it. At last he orders. the signalling going on all the time. and the confined air fills his dress. half-buried in the water. Then a sha e on the line and Joe calls sharply. The revolution of the handles and the rise and fall of the cylinders seem to her much more wonderful than the diving does. bloated sea monster. Down foresail. half in the water.eight fathoms deep--and here Billy studies his landmar s by the neighbouring islands and studies the loo of the water." For Billy has seen a shell out of his reach. Billy stands on the ladder. the tender. the Portuguese tender. Thus the lugger drifts for nearly an hour. she ta es little interest in the dress or the descent. "More air. sprawling. and as Joe and the boy with the air pipe haul away. Then four distinct tugs. to Balu's great admiration. This is sent down so that the diver may eep hold of it and see what sort of bottom he is coming to. to another ground. the air has filled his dress till it loo s as though his body were swollen out of all proportion of humanity. Joe. uncanny object descending through the blue water. two of the blac boys set to wor at the pump. and while he is down the shells are inspected by the strangers. A man can only just move with this gear on him. his huge uncanny helmet is face down. and the lugger sails away with Joe at the helm. li'l piece more chain. They are the size                                             . Meanwhile from below Billy is tal ing through the rope to Joe. and the stranger is quite sure that some accident has happened and the diver is dying. "Slac up chain". with great heavy lead-soled boots. and Joe calls. for evidently Billy has got on to a patch and wants the boat's pace retarded. he is helped on the dec ." and the boys ma e the handles fairly spin for a few moments. This gruesome object is hauled alongside. but "haul up" may mean that the diver is in trouble. and the plumb line is thrown over. The dress is canvas and india rubber. Then the face-plate is unscrewed. his legs and arms sprawl feebly li e the limbs of some wounded animal. when suddenly there comes one sharp pull. so he closes the escape valve of the helmet. a corslet of great weight. he could hold on to the plumb line and reconnoitre the bottom before finally descending. so that it will allow the lugger to drift. one of the boys holds the air pipe to prevent its drifting and fouling. it is curious what a different tone is impressed into the "haul up". "Haul up. Billy dresses rapidly with the assistance of Joe. and a smother of white bubbles coming up in the lee of the lugger shows where Billy is wal ing along beneath us. "Haul up". Down jib. "Stan' by foresail. who are methodically turning the air pump. his wife. or among jagged roc s li ely to foul his line. Billy suddenly floats to the top about 20 yards from the lugger. and Joe calls to the forward hand. the Portuguese tender. while Billy sits on dec in his diver's dress and smo es and tells stories of the old days "before dem Japanese come"." and the anchor goes over with a couple of turns of chain round the flu e. has decided to come up. having been down long enough. but stares fascinated at her two brothers. Balu.

"I frighten let you down. studded with nobs of coral and patches of greyish weed. apparently. and thus we get bac to the Straits just as the soft tropical dar ness shuts out the islands. The floor of the ocean lies level and flat. Joe and the blac boys lie down and smo e. are visible among the fringe of the oyster's beard. and the luggers have got a long way from the schooner and the shell may be a wee or more on the luggers before it is collected. and when these boats are washed out a careful search for pearls is always made among the bottom boards. it is the rule for the schooner to send her collecting boat. and beyond him stretches always the level sand and all round him the oppressive opaque mist. Some-times the bumping in the collecting boat sha es the pearl out of an oyster that is just a little open. These three seem to agree well with each other. covered with weed and coral growths. if it be at all possible.of a fruit plate. small fish come and loo in at the eye holes of the helmet. One boys goes up in the rigging to loo out for reefs. The mud rises as he moves. the blood is crushed out of the body into the head. while the pearl. and the mainland. Here and there are clusters of marine growths. But sometimes the weather is bad. when the schooner and her fleet are out for months at a time. Inside each shell is a fish more li e a squid than an ordinary oyster. Sometimes an oyster is induced to open by being held near the galley fire on the lugger. S'posin' anything go wrong. Billy Ma eela is induced to allow the stranger to go down in eight fathoms. Billy will have to leave Australia under the new legislation but it does not trouble him much. Billy is not encouraging. and leaves only the schooner's lights to show the way." At eight fathoms the pressure is severe for a beginner. the novice feels oppressed by the weight of the water. he and his wife are simple people. while Billy sails the lugger bac . while Balu ma es a fire in the little iron fireplace bedded in some earth in a box in the well of the lugger and ma es tea. but the severe feeling of oppression vanishes after a time. He says. Fancy getting a pearl worth a thousand pounds drifting about among the slime and rubbish at the bottom of a dinghy! One great difficulty is eeping the boats in water. he finds one shell and is hauled up by the anxious Billy. if any. you die quee . In the tropics a lot of water is wanted. and it is always carried in canvas bags. round the luggers every second day at least. the dress is turned inside out and hung up to dry. The diver can see some 10 or 15 yards. On the long cruises. but occasionally they are hidden among the oyster's anatomy. a half-dec ed 20-footer. if any. After 10 minutes' search. feeling as though he were held bac by some invisible power as he tries to wal . and beyond that all is an opaque mist. and blunders along. The shells are opened in the lugger on this occasion only--by rule they should be brought to the schooner unopened. and a small crab about a quarter of an inch in diameter. The smaller oysters are always attached by a strong green ligament to some object--a piece of roc or pieces of coral--but this ligament dies as the oyster gets older. and with the fish there live on terms of great amity a small reddish-coloured lobster about an inch long. is hoo ed out by a piece of wire. He feels li e a very small and insignificant fish in a very large aquarium. The pearls. Then the cor is removed and the oyster closes again as good as ever. Then the lugger is headed for the schooner. Then the heat of the sun ma es the oysters open and the deft little Japanese fingers soon pic out any pearls that may be visible. and bac in his                                                         . and a few shells lie about on the bottom. By great persuasion. and once open is ept open by the insertion of a piece of cor .

but having once risen above the savage scale of existence he is not li ely to go bac home. "Well. and become a South Sea Dutchman--a sort of coloured Van Tromp of the ocean bed. provided you'll feed the horses. Sheep will be worth two pounds a head when the drought brea s. 17 May 1902 A VISIT TO DROUGHT LAND THIS is a full. up through the orchard districts of Ryde with their outcrops of volcanic soil. Everybody's feeding their stoc --that is. "How can they ever be worth two pounds a head? Who'll have two pounds to give for a sheep? The loan companies won't lend you two pounds to buy a sheep with. were now doing "casual labour wor " down at Darling Harbour." said the squatter. and a few of one's old friends. there's been a lot of money put into the sheep. anyhow. one found that the lawyers were all complaining that times were bad. "Up Tamworth way. I had seen drought before--when we had a station out on the western side--but this was rec oned to be something extra in the way of a drought. that's all about it. and particular account of a visit to Drought Land. And then the train rolled out of Redfern station. who used to be wor ing as cler s and shop assistants. After all." Here another man bro e in." "Yes. he is most li ely to go to New Guinea and get employment on Dutch boats. One squatter had a good deal to say about it." "Ah. those who have got anything left to feed. drought or no drought. and down about Braidwood and the Monaro they are ma ing more money this year than they have made any year for the last twenty." he said. with all accessories thrown in. eeping 'em alive. I wouldn't mind having a few thousand fats now. more than they'll ever be worth. It ta es a lot to brea this country. where a few misguided farmers are trying to get a living in little holes and corners                                         . and many people one met wanted to now what prospects there were in the New Hebrides or Africa or China--anywhere out of Australia. it is a great country. a sure sign of business depression. and covers a lot of ground. People will have to wait till sheep get cheaper before they buy." "Why not?" "Because a sheep only grows one fleece a year whatever happens. But otherwise there seemed just as much money going in the city as ever. well. In Sydney one would not now that there was anything particular the matter with the country. The drought which is death to the north-western squatter is a Godsend to the southern man. through the miles and miles of Haw esbury sandstone scrub. True. The Sydney Mail. On getting into the train one began to hear more definite things about the drought.own island he can get "plenty banana" without any such arduous wor as diving. "you can get a team of horses and a dray and a man to drive them for ten shillings a wee . true. and that fleece isn't going to be worth any more in London because of our drought." The squatter was driven bac on his last line of defence.

they're not! The most of them are heavily mort-gaged." he said. fruitless gum trees seemed to be loo ing on sullenly at the destruction that was being wrought among the cattle. up past Gosford and the Newcastle collieries. except for the horses hanging up to the fences at the railway stations. the ground. One would hardly see fifty head of stoc in fifty miles. Then. "This. travelled down here for this grass." "And will it save their lives?" "No. rushy-loo ing grass. flowerless. And this was Australia! For hour after hour the train roared and swung through the same arching. This is where they're sending their stoc to. For miles and miles there was nothing to be seen out of the train but bare. waving his hand towards the surrounding grey desert. and on into the Hunter River valley. wouldn't you? Well. and the mortgagees won't let them be sold at a loss. lay and stared dumbly bac .simply because there is no good land left available for settlement anywhere. These horses. parching desert. it only ma es their funeral a bit more expensive. There's thousands and thousands of stoc being. such as it is. where the big ranges are. "is the good country. A man has to pay such a price to get a property in any of these settled districts that he has to overstoc from year's end to year's end to pay his interest. to eep 'em alive. they'll have to go round and try and get money for a fresh start. dry earth. The land's mortgaged up to its nec already. The shadeless. of course they're not going to sell cheap. a few poor starving s eletons of cattle were tottering feebly about. they can't digest it. coarse. and the stoc are dead! They've got the price of land too high. and everywhere there was a litter of leaves where branches had been cut down to feed stoc . one realises what a sic ly sort of country Australia can loo when it li es. the sort that is no good. There was nothing to be done but wait. that's where the trouble is. though where they're to get it goodness nows. After a while we began to climb the range up into the New England tableland. Cattle too!" "What's going to come of the country. the sun blazed down brightly out of the clear wintry s y. You'd thin stations would be cheap now. for the first time. nearly to the border. Underneath. hard as adamant. It's as hard to get a place now as ever it was!" We swung through New England and on up to the northern districts. The squatter explained the situation. On properties where the fat stoc should be wading nee-deep in clover and thistles and prairie grass at this time of year. Meat in                                                 . found themselves in quite unaccustomed high spirits. At the railway stations men tal ed to one another almost in whispers. and the men who are not under mortgage. Here we came on the cattle country. Overhead. Here there was grass of a sort. then?" "Oh. as soon as the rain comes. Even the dusty grey roots of the grass had been eaten out. and it balls inside them and ills them. This rubbishy dry stuff that they have to eat. and moved about quietly li e men at a funeral. Here there were occasionally to be seen patches of rough. being maize-fed.

till they have to sell it cheap!" "Then you'd start to save the country by ruining those who own the land now?" The reformer was quite prepared to sacrifice other people in the good cause. What's the good of small farmers going on to this drought country? It'd brea Tyson. out of the area of "good land". where a few "coc ies"--i. who'd be the losers--only the             "What's this land worth?" we as the squatter." he said.the town 6d a pound. but here a bit of alluvial or volcanic soil had given a chance to grow crops--such crops as they would sneer at in almost any other part of the world. as it was too hard for the plough." he said. granite-li e earth. where he was trying by the aid of two half-starved horses to brea up the ground with a "cultivator"." he said. Not only are they cynics in Drought Land. "is to have the good land forced into use. There were supposed to be five thousand cattle in these hills. "After all. Where were the rest? No wonder that the typical Australian is a bitter cynic. Hour after hour and mile after mile we rode through thic stringybar and hop scrub. small settlers--were farming. but a two days' ride only showed us about fifty live animals.. We found one descendant of Cincinnatus at a farm. Tax it. leaving his horses and coming to the fence to tal to us. such a country would ma e a cynic of anybody. Illawarra and the li e o' that. It's no good resoomin' it at high prices because the coc ies can't ma e it pay. among roc s and fallen timber. This is unalienated Crown land. "The land isn't for sale. He loo s round over the surrounding parched flats. butchers going out of business because they could get no stoc to ill! We left the train and got horses." Twelve pounds an acre for that sunburnt desert! We began to understand why some men were off to South Africa! We passed on. over the same bare.                               . pic ing our way down sidelings and up dry watercourses. and in the whole of two days' riding we did not see any land that would eep a family. Every man has a legislative pill that would cure all evils if he were only allowed to administer it. There's lots of districts where there's good land lying idle." "How are you going to bring it into use?" "Do li e Seddon done in New Zealand--tax 'em till they have to use it or sell it.e. but they are all politicians. "It can't be helped. and came on to the real genuine Australian bush. "They have to pay 15s an acre rent. and where some shadow-li e cattle were groping about among the stal s of a field of maize. but if it was they'd have to give about twelve pounds an acre. "What this country wants. and rode out past one of our principal northern towns.

but it's wonderful how they struggle along. one naturally thought that the horses would be poor and wea . He wants a Government ban . or what they'll ta e up. they go bro e sometimes. such as Australians have no idea of. It's wonderful how the country rallies from these droughts. In no other part of the world--except. and the head stoc man was                             In the eyes of a man from Drought Land a classes. Of course. wor as hard as you will. on the flats. The trouble began at the homestead over the horses. One wee 's rain and all this would be flourishing with grass. one can see the wary dingo slin ing through the scrub and the wallaby s ipping among the roc s. because the land is all leasehold. or rather it is a mista e to call it "ground". We came on to an unfenced area of ground. The horse that I rode was a big bay with hair on his bac and clipped underneath. but if they're bad they go bro e. as it was mostly stringybar saplings and roc s. To him a ban among the farmers sheep. you may find yourself bro e any minute. 23 August 1902 IN THE CATTLE COUNTRY WE WERE going for a day in the cattle country. "is a reserve. "This. for instance. where money for him. and if a man does not want to use land. In Java." That is the weird characteristic of Australian life--the possibility that. We rode home from Drought Land past cattle eating fallen oa . any person or institution abhorrent to him. better than the best of Gippsland--well watered. The Sydney Morning Herald. with here and there. Nowadays there are not many cattle stations left in New South Wales. he can ma e nothing by holding it idle. perhaps. They are a hard people to discourage.                                           "ban " is fair game for all is li e a dingo among the his local member can borrow out of political control is . magnificent plantation land. and hardly able to gallop: instead of which they were all fed on maize and were fat and jumping out of their s ins with animal spirits. In the words of the squatter. leaving the roots of the plants bare. If the seasons are good they ma e a living. If it were thrown open tomorrow there would be a hundred and fifty applicants.ban s! And what better do they deserve?" After a time we had left the worst country and came bac along the main road." said the squatter. past the little "coc ies'" homesteads. Being drought time. a thin coating of soil washed down from the ranges above. They will ta e up anything. South Africa--is there the same uncertainty of return and high initial outlay. and also to vary it with a dash after dingoes. where the dust heaps that had once been gardens were blowing clean away from the fronts of houses. and there are fewer still where there are any dingoes. You have no idea of the land hunger there is. It ta es a fearful lot to brea a coc y. but there are still some bits of ragged country left where. and the inhabitants of Drought Land would at once begin over-stoc ing again and borrowing money to buy sheep with. "it ta es a fearful lot to brea a coc y". He was introduced as a grandson of Mus et. and with abundance of cheap labour available--can be rented for half a crown an acre per year. even from the train.

on which he limped alternately. It was you wrote about the 'Man from Snowy River'. thic ets of wattle. that is to say. We mostly ride him in a curb bit. Anyhow. "I've been ridin' horses for five and forty years. and a fierce-loo ing brown staghound. but running to weediness. He was waiting for the climax--the great critical moment when he would set the seal on his reputation by noc ing me off against a tree and catching the dingo himself. clinging round the horses' nec s for fear we should slip over the tail. I put a good face on it. the horses blundering from roc to roc . It was understood that Barney would follow nothing but dingoes. Emus might frolic around him in floc s. Sometimes we scrambled up hills. he can cut out cattle. and with this comforting advice we started. angaroos might leap affrighted from under his very nose.enthusiastic about him. and                                                         . an aged dingo-loo ing reprobate into whose face all the wisdom of centuries was crowded. won't he just! He ain't afraid of a tree. and covered carefully from view by hop scrub. with enormous barrel and ribs. "Man and boy. The young squatter who went with us was riding a station mare. the cattle dog." "I suppose he won't hit me against a tree in the scrub. and he can go through scrub li e a wallaby. as they were sure to find me again some time or other. but not so this veteran. and a shoulder laid right bac till there seemed at least the length of an ordinary horse in front of the saddle." "Does he pull much?" "Well. He don't care where he goes. and this is the best horse I've ever ridden. Other times we slid down mountains with the stones clattering round us. We rode through scrub and stringybar . lounging along as placidly as an old cow. wasn't it? Yes. to sit still and not move about. well you ought to be able to ride him right enough. over country consisting mostly of loose roc s up on end. and the grandson of Mus et was brought forth ready saddled and bridled. He can win a shearers' race. He sent a sunburnt substitute who was well mounted. strength enough to pull a cart." This was a gay prospect for a man who had not ridden in scrub for ten years. The head stoc man did not come with us. if he gets wo e-up li e. broad hips." he said. and pluc enough to die galloping. The grandson of Mus et strode out sleepily as a carthorse. and three sore feet. with a rough coat. But the genius of the party was Barney. but nothing would turn Barney off a dingo. and a good mare in scrub. There's no day too long for him. and who was the master of the dingo hounds. and the limbs of fallen trees. He was one of the examples of the old type of stoc horse--a horse with quality enough to run a race. if I fell off or got lost. he had with him a angaroo slut. and was never very expert at it at the best of times. so narrow and wasp-waisted that she loo ed li e an embodiment of hunger and speed. The other two stoc horses fretted and fidgeted at their bits. well-bred. he's a very hard horse to hold. It was indeed a treat to ride such a horse--a great ra ing sixteen-hand bay with blac points. The sunburnt stoc man advised me. will he?" "Oh. but we put the snaffle on him for you.

We tore madly down the side of a range. I'll bet you with a superior smile. and I thought. but I shaved the bar off so many saplings and noc ed the limbs off so many trees with my head that my attention sort of wandered from the dogs. crash. I wasn't following the dogs at all. We managed to pull the horses up." he said a dorg. over the roc s and fallen stones on the opposite slope. the greyhound and staghound flashed li e arrows into the scrub. We had ridden about a mile. Now. arrived by some miracle at the foot of it. We rode for hours without seeing any dingoes. "they're sure to catch him." he said. They never start him. The sunburnt stoc man started. "I was following Ranji" [the deerhound] "but when I heard old Barney yelping I made across after him. And that bad clump of wattle delayed me a lot." I said. "quite certain. I don't thin anyone else did. That's how I come to lose the dorgs. "I was follerin' the angaroo slut. His yelping had suddenly ceased. if we'd only ep' up with 'em. hool 'im!" The sagacious Barney began to utter loud yelps of excitement. That's how I came to lose the dogs. and to believe that the dingoes were a myth." The sunburnt stoc man shoo his head despondingly. once they bet you. the sunburnt stoc man yelled out." The young squatter followed suit. Just mile after mile of worthless scrub and roc and wilderness: I was beginning to lose interest in the thing. in fact they've got him cot by now. just as we were scrambling down the wic edest piece of roc and scrub in the world. li e roc wallabies.grazing our shins against the trees as they wal ed. you must be on to the dingo. or any cattle for that matter." he went 'em. it too me all my time to navigate this horse. miss I'll with certain. so I come over after you. and that's how I came to lose 'em. and then up. and the grandson of Mus et too the bit in his teeth and tore through the timber. when all of a sudden. "when I started of course I made sure of catching a dingo straight off." "Do you really thin so?"       "Oh. while the crash. "It's a pity." Then they loo ed at me as if it was time for me to put in my explanation. I never saw the dingo. of course. and to hope that after all the grandson of Mus et wouldn't have the chance to destroy me against a tree. crash of the small scrub and fallen timber was punctuated by hairbreadth escapes--say twenty every second--from trees and saplings and overhanging branches. The two hounds had been out of sight from the very start. "if we'd only ep' up we would have found them now illin' him. hool 'im. After                                                         . "Hool 'im. on slowly and impressively." he said. and then everyone began to ma e excuses. going as if he were on a racecourse. "and I see you two fellows ma in' over here towards the left li e. and there found ourselves face to face with a bottomless dry gully over which the grandson of Mus et strode as if it were a crac in the earth. "How did you come to lose 'em?" "Well. The feathery tail and the loud yelp of the sagacious Barney had been our guiding star--our oriflamme as it were--and now even Barney had disappeared.

I gripped the grandson of Mus et by the head and peered through the dense timber to see if I could ris a hundred yards of safe going. the sunburnt stoc man screamed encouragement from the rear. for I had come all the way from Sydney to see a dingo illed. "They must have come on-sighted. I saw one once in the distance and Barney was ta en up and put on the scent." We had many another dash after Barney and his dingoes. They had eaten the carcase almost out of the s in. and the grandson of Mus et swept through the timber over roc s and fallen logs. the horses tore through the scrub. with the swoop of some great bird. and as soon as a wea one falls to the rear. leaving the empty s in li e a discardedglove. shortly after. and had not seen a dingo. and they all ended in the same way. and he'll be on to 'em in a minute! Be ready now! Be ready! That's the way he always goes when he's trailin 'em!" My heart beat high with excitement. so that I might see a little of the hunt before I was illed. it was an anxious moment for me." said the stoc man. I tell you. "There they are. Luc ily for me Barney went nearly into hysterics when he came on the scent. while the two hounds watched him with an air of grave interest." said I. then threw up his head and set off across the range at a businessli e trot. With intense excitement we watched Barney pause on the top of the roc s                                                                 . and I hadn't been able to eep up. The dogs dashed yelping out of sight. After half a mile or so we would find ourselves left in the vast silence of the Australian bush. they snap at its hoc s till they hamstring it. and now he was actually being illed. This time last year they missed a dingo just about the same way--just about here it was. then we put in the time till the dogs came bac . "Loo at him. We didn't catch any dingoes. we came on a dead yearling calf which the dingoes had illed. The squatter produced a little bottle of strychnine and put some into the body of the calf. then they bite it to death. While he was doing this the sagacious Barney and the two hounds returned from their fruitless chase. and we had a glorious dash for a while. explaining to each other how it was that we had failed to eep up with them. "So they are. It's only an accident li e when they miss one. Visions arose of the sagacious Barney and the shadow-li e angaroo slut engaged in the combat to the death with the dingo. "there's the dogs now. "He's on to 'em! He's trailin 'em! There's been a lot round that calf." he said. then that would have proved that I was a liar. I thought sadly of all I was missing. fighting to the last. Here I happened to loo over my shoulder and saw the sagacious Barney trying to dig a lizard out from under a fallen log. because if Barney failed to howl and run on the scent. The sunburnt stoc man said that when they want to ill a calf they snap and bite at the heels of the mob till they start them racing." The stoc man wasn't a bit ta en abac . too. I expected a summons to death at any moment. no dog nor dingo in sight. who was dying silently.as good a run as a man could want! It's a great pity!" It was indeed sad. Barney snuffed round the carcase for a while.

"If we'd only have been able to have ept up. gay Lothario of the animal ingdom. We found a few poor starving relics. and undoubtedly the best reasoning dog of all is the sheepdog. Cattle are going to be worth phenomenal money after the drought. gambler. A dog can reason as well as a human being on some subjects. The dog is the wor man. they were so wild that the sight of a man would set them galloping in all directions. "You go about your idleness. How thoroughly they feel their responsibility. eating the scrub which was cut down for them from day to day. you couldn't sha e his faith in Barney. having sla ed his thirst. A dog always loo s as if he ought to have a pipe in his mouth and a blac bag for his lunch. then he trotted on for some distance and wagged his tail. and men all pretty tired. I suggested that in reward for having sold us li e that. When they first came on the place. fancy dogs. and eep a dog to give the children hydatids and to eep the neighbours awa e at night. irresolute. sportsman. and how very annoyed they get if any stray vagrant dog with no occupation wants them to stop and fool about! They snap at him and hurry off as much as to say. The old theory that animals have only instinct and not reason is noc ed endways by the dog. A dog without wor is li e a man without wor . Watch any drover's dogs bringing sheep into the yards. After this contretemps we lost interest in the dingoes and went to loo for cattle. it is only in the country that a dog has any justification for his existence. 30 August 1902 THE DOG THE CAT is the roué. as soon as they heard an axe they would come crowding down to it. Don't you see this is my busy day?" Dogs are followers of Carlyle. and who does it more conscientiously than most human beings. he trotted bac and began to eat the poisoned calf. imagine that the animal is fulfilling his destiny and is not capable of anything better. and then he would go quite happily to the office every day. he should be allowed to eat as much of it as he wanted. But that wasn't Barney's fault.                                                 . dilettante. The hounds caught a few angaroos during the day. Judging by what we saw in the bush. All town dogs. show dogs. but his owner explained that there had been dingoes drin ing at the waterhole and Barney had gone there to see if any were planted near there. They hold that the only happiness for a dog in this life is to find his wor and to do it. lap-dogs.and snuff the air. a nuisance to himself and everybody else. a member of society who li es to have his day's wor . and better on others. The sheepdog is a professional artist with a pride in his business. evidently having found what he wanted. next year's export of frozen meat will be mostly frozen bone dust. he had not been after dingoes at all. and dogs with no wor to do should be at once abolished." The Sydney Mail. he would have got a lot of 'em. There was a pool of water there and he lay down in it. and the shades of night saw us returning to the station with horses. dogs. People who live about town. As his owner said. and no result in the shape of dingoes. No matter what happened. The idle. and now.

and often and often one can see a collie pup painsta ingly and carefully driving a bewildered old hen into a stable or a stoc yard. descended from a race of good sheepdogs. he is half-educated as soon as he is born. which is all very well for learners and amateurs but is beneath the dignity of the true professional sheepdog. watching their opportunity. He can no more help wor ing sheep than a born musician can help playing the fiddle. or educated himself. There is no doubt that the acquired nowledge of generations is transmitted from dog to dog. or any other enclosed space on which he has fixed his mind. when the dogs are hoarse with bar ing and nearly cho ed with dust.non-wor ing aristocratic dog they have no use for. and. bar . and throw clods of earth at them. and there is nothing to do but bar . A clutch at the scruff of the nec . li e any other professional. How does he learn to do that? He didn't learn it at all. but after all they teach themselves more than the men teach them. where the dogs are sure to be found lying low and loo ing as guilty as so many thieves. and then operations are suspended while a great hunt is made into all outlying pieces of cover. The nowledge was born with him. blast you!" At last the dogs suddenly decide that they have done enough for the day. he enjoys his wor . and generally succeeds. It is bred in him. the men lose their tempers and swear at them. slowly. The training of a sheepdog for his profession begins at a very early age. Very few dogs li e wor "in the yards". or a Hebrew can help ma ing money. if he thin s he has had enough of it. and sing out to them. but sometimes. After a while the men notice that hardly any dogs are left. he will deliberately quit and go home. fris ing about in front of the horse. untaught animals doing things which they could only have learnt by inheritance. Then he watches the old slut wor . as li ely as not. I would suggest to the editor to invite corre-spondence from those who have seen unquestionable examples of young. "Spea up. scarcely daring to loo to the right or to the left for fear he may commit some other breach of etiquette. while the other drives them on from the rear. he learns his business. they silently steal over the fence. the dust rises in clouds. if he shows any disposition to get out of hand and frolic about. When the dog has been educated. and only that I don't want to let a flood of dog-liars loose on the paper. and go and hide in any cool place they can find. He blunders out lightheartedly. and he gets his first lesson that day. Then by degrees. learns to follow the scent of lost sheep and to drive sheep through a town without any master. the old lady will bite him sharply to prevent his interfering with her wor . He learns to bring sheep after a horse simply at a wave of the hand. If would be interesting to get examples of this inherited ability. Then. The sun is hot. How do they learn all these things? Dogs for show wor are taught painsta ingly by men who are s illed in handling them. That teaches him one thing--to eep behind the horse till he is wanted. one dog going on ahead to bloc the sheep from turning off into by-streets. If he can't get sheep to wor . and the dog is hauled out of                                                                               . to force the mob up to a gate where they can be counted or drafted. and. and with what a humble air he falls to the rear and glues himself to the horse's heels. The puppy. It is amusing to see how it noc s all the gas out of a puppy. The first thing is to ta e him out with his mother and let him see her wor ing. he will wor a fowl. starts with all his faculties directed towards the wor ing of sheep. bar . and is allowed to go with her round the sheep. a ic in the ribs. for his owner tries to ride over him.

He is a champion hypocrite. with many a loo behind her. and nobody spo e to them. The Bulletin. on the other. The second time he will be a lot harder to find than the first time. any readers who can forward any stri ing instances of canine sagacity should write same out in in on one side of the paper only. Hesitatingly. nobody fired at them. perhaps half the day. meanwhile. After wor ing another ten minutes. and forward them to this office. but when the troops were being fired at. and then slips quietly under the fences and trots off home. left the sheep. The noise of the rifles would not frighten them. But this article is now long enough. Dogs. and went away about six miles to the homestead. and only happened to have hid in that bush out of sheer thoughtlessness. than are dreamt of in your philosophy. be carefully burnt. Horatio. mar them "Dog Story". sporting and fighting dogs must be dealt with at another time. In the great Queensland stri e. "Go on bac home. he will be over the fences again. when the shearers attac ed Dagworth shed. and the loose ones would trot away. and he won't hide in the same place twice. Hunting. There are more capacities in horses and dogs. They now when a man is frightened of them. because many of them were dogs that were very fond of going out tur ey shooting. The shed was burnt. some rifle volleys were exchanged. sporting. and fighting dogs who all devote them-selves to their professions with a diligence that might well be copied by human beings. the horses at once became uneasy. contented. wor s. A loose horse would feed contentedly about while his own troops were firing. after the fight. who has young puppies. and accompanies his master to the yard. and the air was full of human electricity. and a bullet or two whistled past. 18 October 1902 GLEANINGS OF A GLOBE TROTTER                                                 . and they now when the men around them are frightened. she trots out after the horses and the other dogs. Besides the sheepdog there are hunting. frolic ing about and pretending that he is quite delighted to be going bac to wor . where they will. and not let the sheep be noc ed about by those learners. is the dog. She goes out to the yards. Sometimes. The noise of a bullet passing cannot have been as terrifying to them as the sound of a rifle going off. li e horses. Dogs have an amazing sense of responsibility. she feels that she really ought to go out. she does not care about leaving the puppies. An impassioned appeal from the head boundary rider. got them attested by a missionary. but the nervousness and excitement of the men communicated itself to them. and. have very een intuition. each man giving out waves of fear and excitement. They new there was something out of the common in the way of danger. may be seen greatly exercised in her mind whether she should go out or not.his hiding place. The same thing happened constantly with horses in the South African war. there is no animal so thoroughly in earnest as a dog. when there are sheep to be wor ed. will yer !" is treated with the contempt it deserves. as a rule. Mar now the effect it had on the dogs. though they may not now the cause. but every dog left his master. an old slut. There wasn't a dog about the shed next day. They were not in the fighting. On the one hand.

he said. The barber got me to repeat the sentence. to throw coppers to any performance is the most deadly insult. Now. After lunch we chartered a cab. We went to the hotel where most English people go--the same hotel at which there was nearly a riot on the day of Kruger's landing. "Mas ee you". Perhaps the people who threw them did not now what they were doing. and the P. & 0. sonny?" This only made the barber shrug up his shoulders and spread out his hands. drawn by a horse whose forelegs fairly tottered under him--I have seen some equine wrec s in my time. as Kruger's procession passed. and then said that they had a man in the shop who spo e German. As Kruger's procession passed. and all the inhabitants of Marseilles shut up their shops and came out also. With this object in view we went to a barber's shop--all the shops were wide open although it was Sunday--and in my best French I as ed how one could get out to the course. while the English visitors cowered inside. they did not seem to mind ta ing our money at all. "You ta e luggage topside" addressed by the American to the gesticulating Frenchmen. but long residence among the Chinese had made him loo upon all foreigners as so much dirt. the mob bro e out into uncontrollable fury. in France. In Australia racing is a business.A DAY'S RACING IN FRANCE THE AMERICAN whose acquaintance I had made coming down the China coast was a very good fellow. and besieged the hotel for two hours. instead of hissing a music hall singer who does not please them they throw coppers on the stage--thereby expressing their valuation of the performance. to try and unravel what is to him a serious problem. and found out all about it from the "boots". A day's racing in France is something to remember. so when we landed at Marseilles he insisted on tal ing to the French in Chinese "pidgin English". "but he won't tell us! It's all on account of that Boer War of yours!" Then we went bac to the hotel. "Whurrs the hoss race. "He nows right enough. I can spea French--or at least I used to thin I could till I went to France--and I had to do the translating. but he was out at his lunch. and Sunday is the recognised day for races and sports in France. and everyone who goes out goes with bent brows and an anxious mind. tal ing through his nose at the top of his voice. so the next thing was to find out where the course was. but he got very silent and broody when he found that the money which the guard gave him was all bad. and he said. some English people who were staying in the hotel threw pennies among the crowd. when the American and I arrived. "I rec on that Australian French of yours doesn't go here. boat had to delay her departure for a long time before the passengers could get down to the wharf. and the American loo ed at him with supreme disgust. He was very pleased with himself when he got the guard of the tram to change a 5-franc piece for him. But. and how to get there. It was a Sunday when we arrived. and beyond the fact that they loo ed upon all English-spea ing people as assassins. I explained to the American what had happened. a whole shower of coppers was thrown from this hotel. all the excitement and frenzy had subsided. who was--li e the boots at hotels all the world over--an ardent sportsman. perhaps they did! Anyhow. But                                           . and wanted to beat them when they did not understand him." he said. A French journal informed us that there was a day's racing to be held. punctuated with remar s such as "Can do". Perhaps it is because they are such ardent sportsmen that they are reduced to being "boots". It seems that. by his own unaided vocabulary. but nothing to approach the French cab horse--and drove out to the course. on the other hand. Let me at him!" Then.

on the seat of each motor car. and rattles away through the clear crisp air. Motor cars rush past at a pace that would not be tolerated for an instant in any Australian or English community. and then say it is treachery if they lose their money! Allez-vous-en! Let her go. and his remar able reply was. and were equal to any stoc I have ever seen anywhere. The surroundings of racing in the old countries are less businessli e and more pleasant than in Australia. while we went on into the grandstand and saddling paddoc . besides a set of "tips" of its own. go thundering along the streets. alongside the driver. they have lots of money and don't now nothing. The crowd was pretty thic . The totalisators were at wor in the saddling paddoc . and goes out with his wife. loaded with the happy. about as numerous as would be seen at a suburban meeting near Sydney. and everyone loo s on the racing in a light-hearted way. and left our trap standing in what we would call the "flat". escorted by heavy French swells. as I had had experience in Australia of horses that had run "obscurely" for a time. and they will bac a horse because they li e the loo of his tail or the colours of his joc ey. loo ing at the proceedings with dull eyes. I thought this would probably be a good sort of horse to bac . but the horses of one stable were trained by English trainers. and amidst shouting. Before getting out to the trac we purchased a daily paper. and the bul of the riders in the races were English or American joc eys. "Yes. being guided solely by the condition of the horses. We drove in through the gates of the course. prancing about the paddoc s on their hind legs. Prices of admission were much the same as they are in Australia. Some of them were as fat as fools. sagely contemplating the moving scene around him. It would ma e a Randwic trainer weep to see the condition in which these horses were sent out to race. They differed from our horses only in the matter of condition. They have left dull care behind them for the day. laughing. and although the appointments were complete enough there was a lac of the businessli e formality about them which one notices with us. occasionally fortifying                                                                     . who simply rioted in huge fur-lined overcoats. Some horses were being paraded round a turf ring. in a trap drawn by a little fat pony with jingling bells and harness. quite foreign to our idea. shut in by sycamores and hedgerows of various sorts. He closes his shop at one o'cloc . a day's racing is a light-hearted holiday. and then suddenly astonished their critics. but in all these countries the great rainfall and the natural grass ma e such turf as we poor drought-stric en people can only wonder at. with the dry aromatic smell of the autumn leaves all round. sits a large blac French poodle. and a collection of the "tips" of all the local newspapers. the turf ring being enclosed by a lot of drying sheds. laughing crowds. After a struggle with the French idioms. The horses were nearly all English bred. The tram cars. It was more li e what we would call a picnic meeting. gorgeously dressed. one being for a straight-out win and the other for a place.with the Frenchman. Everyone is laughing. they always try here. I gathered that one horse in the first race had at one time shown good form but had since "couru obscurément". the motor cars whizzed. and bell-ringing we arrived at the course. I as ed one of the English trainers whether the horses ran to win. a beautiful piece of natural turf. the little fat ponies were urged to their wildest pace. A few English visitors were present. with great cuffs of fur running halfway up the arms." On this comforting suggestion the American and I started to try to bac winners. and with the wind blowing through his whis ers as the car rushes along. The ladies were in great numbers. which gave all the runners. led by their "trainers"--men who loo ed li e sort of cross between a Sicilian bandit and an ice cream merchant. The owners are all French noblemen. The trac itself was very little prepared. down the long avenue of sycamores out to the course. Gallagher! The trams roared.

After the race. and his hands trembled so that he could hardly hold the glasses. was sitting in the stand near us with a party of three superbly dressed ladies round him. I told him he could not go up there. and for a distance of 2200 metres (I should guess it at about a mile). It turned out afterwards that he had five francs (four and twopence) on the chestnut in the place totalisator. in the ordinary way. and therefore evidently English-bred. and snatched a well-deserved victory by a nec . the tornado of passion that was rac ing the frame of their cavalier. and fairly shoo with the strain that was put on him. which was running well up with the leaders. and every time that this chestnut horse drew out to the lead the Frenchman's face lit up. his chest expanded. a selling race of 2200 metres. or for any other reason that stri es their erratic fancy. evidently being reserved for the committee or some such body. he lay flat down on the horse's nec . we went for a very well-conditioned bay mare called Rentière. We gathered afterwards. he dropped bac on the seat with the air of a man whose hopes in life are crushed. and he turned with the air of a conqueror to the timid females behind him. Half a furlong from home. The ladies huddled together. and they raced home loc ed together. with undisguised admiration. The horse that had "couru obscurément" was not a favourite on the totalisator. the chestnut and the Rentiere fighting it out in the lead. but he said he would                                                               . by Gonsalvo from Rentless. an ashen grey hue spread over his countenance. The mare won her race for us li e the aristocrat she undoubtedly was. and watched. The horses not being wound up for condition. As the horses started he fixed his glasses on the race and sprang to his feet. and clenched his teeth. so that he saved his money. His opponent was ridden by a French joc ey. We decided to bac the best-conditioned horse and away they went down to the post. Our horse justified our judgment by going to the front with a solitary opponent hanging on to him. which loo ed to me about eight stone seven. but it was the defeat of his judgment that annoyed him. Every instant of that finish must have seemed a year to our French friend. though he were as good as Carbine. our horse loo ed to be having the best of it and his joc ey then put in an American "finish". but the interest in the racing was as nothing compared to the amusement of watching the spectators. ma ing wild flaps in the air with his whip at the same time. saying. Both boys got to wor with their whips at the distance. with his chestnut beaten by a nec .our opinions by reference to the tips in the daily paper. or to a Bonapartist. while the females never loo ed at the race but watched him in mute sympathy. riding in the real gilt-edged American style. his face wor ing with emotion. three of the joc eys being American. He missed the horse altogether with the whip more often than he hit him. "II gagne. A horse belonging to an Englishman could not have found a bac er in the crowd. He had bac ed a big chestnut horse. Round the turn they came. or to a pro-Boer. and struc out with his legs and arms exactly li e a man swimming. He was too heartbro en to spea for a long time. from what he said. and carrying 47 ilograms. they bac them because they belong to local owners. the American wished to wal up into a part of the grandstand which was mar ed in large letters "Défendu". In the next. There were four runners. that the defeat of the chestnut horse was solely due to treachery. As the horses flashed past the post. that is to say. A dashing young Frenchman. it is usual for them to muddle away the first half of a race. ii gagne!" When the horse dropped bac . first one leading and then another. tall hat and fur-lined coat. with waxed moustache. but then the French do not bac horses on form. He clutched the rail in front of him. The first race was for a prize of 2000 francs (about £80). which is even more forward than our Australian boys ever get.

The drive home was even more hilarious than the drive out. The best prizes for the racing were given by a society for the encouragement of horse breeding. merely as a spectator. ana as moving up and down the coast to their wor on the sugar plantations. but the carcass was soon ta en away. English-trained. and singing. including the owners of the horse. loc ed in each other's arms. past Manila. Steeplechasing. Someday in Australia we may come to loo at it in the same way. a French vicomte. and the entertain-ment doesn't cost them anything. He had not got far before he was in altercation with a pin -trousered gendarme.li e to see them stop him. We saw a horse run into by a motor car and illed on the spot. The passengers were of all the nationalities of the world. There were sturdy little Japanese coming down to wor as divers in the pearling fleets. and they enjoyed the day thoroughly. and the old father and mother sit in the sun on the grass while the children play about. They loo at the racing just as we loo at a race on the stage. who tried to shove him down the steps. and he started to march gaily up the stone steps. and settled down for their next wee 's hard wor . the holiday-ma ing crowd of wor men. we heard the gendarme's agonised cry of "A moil" and the two rolled down the steps. but they get a lot of fun out of it. The French do not now much about racing. with their wives and children. While the racing was going on. appeared to loo upon the accident as an excellent jest. for the Frenchman lives in his shop. laughing mob. The crowd soon made their way bac into their shops. there was a flash of pin trousers in the air. for they had all bac ed him. and everyone. and prance about the paddoc with-an eagle-soaring step after a win of is 6d. and his shop is open all the time that he is at home. the crowd were quite satisfied. The authorities were going to arrest the American under the impression that he was English. Chinamen by the dozen coming bac to Australia after a visit to their own country. The Sydney Morning Herald. but only separated from it by a broad deep ditch. and they departed for home in the best of spirits. but. and a douceur to the unfortunate gendarme settled all the trouble. and there is not much doubt that the French do try to ma e racing a means to improving the breed of horses. but when they found that he was an American they apologised profusely to him. with its swarming horde of Filipinos. Everybody was laughing. The day's sport was brought to a successful finish by a win in the last race by an English-bred. as he belonged to a local owner. The next minute he had the gendarme round the waist. white men of all sorts--Gree pearl                                                           . That is the right way to go racing --to squirm and yell when your horse gets ahead. sat on the turf outside the course. and now was ploughing along the sea lane formed by the Australian coast on one side and the Great Barrier Reef on the other. Here they had just as good a view of the racing as anyone in the trac . and English-ridden horse. shouting. 25 October 1902 THE COLOURED ALIEN THE SHIP had sweated her way down from China. is at a very much higher level in France than in England. a merry-hearted. that test of stamina and endurance. They ta e out a little bas et full of ca es and lemonade.

verdant new chums who stared uncomprehendingly at everything. and the question was would they succeed in getting through. The Chinese who wished to land--some seven of them--all stood up in a dismal row. who were going to other ports. but when he gets among strangers he is just as jealous of its reputation as the most patriotic man in the world. but the other Chinamen on board. with a border of pitchy blac clouds which rested li e a great picture on the support of a couple of hazily-seen islands. that just showed up in the distance over a vast stretch of sea. so the ship anchored for the night in the most glorious sunset. while the officer too a sort of preliminary loo at them. jabbering away in a great state of excitement. It was a problem what they could want with such a thing on board a ship. and everyone crowded "forrard" to see what was going to happen. who comes down and tries to pass himself off as the original Simon Pure. As the light died away there remained a rose-coloured glow. and all the passengers hung over the railings to see the boats come alongside. and at each port there are men whose duty it is to examine new arrivals and see if they correspond with the photographs and descriptions of the men who went away. One of them carried a weird instrument which puzzled the other passengers. The Australian will growl at the defects of his own country till further orders. The Customs officer wal ed out                                     . my dear fellow. but as a matter of fact. Each Chinaman wore a stolid impenetrable loo . sunburnt squatters from the bac -bloc s of Queensland. Among every batch of returning Chinamen there are frauds. it is the pleasing custom of the Chinaman when he leaves these shores to ta e a certificate allowing him to come bac if he chooses. Next morning bright and early we arrived off a Queensland port. and then he sells that certificate for cash to another Chinaman. but which my practised eye detected as a "measuring stic "--a wooden affair used for ascertaining the height of ponies and galloways for racing purposes. These Celestials had all been in Australia before. we found great excitement among the Chinese passengers. Such patriotic Australians as were on board were naturally anxious to have their own country ma e a good show in the eyes of these superior persons. which ma es a Chinaman harder to identify than he is even in his own gear. they were all dressed in European clothes. were herded together by the forecastle. The navigation inside the reef is too dangerous to be underta en in the dar ness. At least that was the theory. with the usual selection of tired globetrotters who had been everywhere and seen everything till nothing was left in the heavens above nor in the earth beneath--certainly not in Australia--which could astonish them. and were now returning by virtue of certificates permitting them to do so. It occurred to me that some of our Sydney pony trainers would soon fix up the little matter of height if allowed to handle the Chinamen for a few days before the examination. perfectly smooth.merchants from Thursday Island. and tinted with all the colours of the opal. there were two or three frauds in the batch standing up for examination. so far as one could guess. The patriotic Australians pointed this sunset out to the superior globetrotters and only got the reply: "Ah. When we got "forrard". A string of long lan y sunburnt Queenslanders came on dec and slouched "forrard". you ought to see the sunsets in the desert of Sahara!" Then we all went below for the night. Then the following melodrama occurred. That was what the measuring stic was for--to test the height of the new arrivals.

eh? What did you do at Townsville?" No answer. What you do about children? They belong British flag!" "More better you go bac to Islands. He was carrying a petition up and down the coast. that made us feel pretty sure that at least one fraud had got through. such as I had only heard once before and that was at a Chinese race meeting. who were apparently tal ing to each other. He was glib and oily. Then from the motley crew "forrard" there stepped out the educated ana a. a shrill. Scotch woman. he fished his boots out of the scuppers. but he remembered everybody in the town. Some of the questionable ones were brought up for a second exam-ination. some of the others were more or less doubtful. I get all boy sign petition. and as ed after them with touching affection. and he stood aside without nowing whether he had passed or not. the Chinaman too his boots off. he passed at once. his hat was thrown after him. "What for? Boy he no want to go. and bushmen spellbound while he laid his case before them.onto a clear space of dec with his measuring stic . earn beer money! What for dese Japanese no go? What for dese no go"--pointing to the Chinamen with                                                 . and a passing stranger immediately ic ed them into the scuppers. "What for boys sent away?" he said. while another candidate too the stand. pearl merchants. "Stop that noise there. but were in reality prompting the candidate what to say. high-pitched. "You been here before? Where you live before?" Chinaman." said an Australian. the verdict was pronounced--they could all land! A yell of triumph went up from the Chinamen "forrard". Then he called out the name of a Chinaman. Chinese yell. Irish woman. but renewed jabber from "forrard" and the officer turned on them. but a subdued jabber arose from the Chinamen "forrard". to be signed by all the ana as. "All boys not want to go 'way. He held the audience of globe-trotters. where an outsider had won well bac ed by all the Chinese grooms. his hat was noc ed off on to the dec . had been away for years. will you! I can deal with him without you interfering!" This produced silence. and babbling with delight the successful candidates put their goods over the side and prepared to go ashore. there was a malicious triumph in the yell. Then followed the examination. he spo e. protesting against being sent away under the South Sea Islanders Exclusion Act. then at last. Boy wor hard. "Garden. with the air of one repeating a lesson. Many boy he marry English woman. and one stolid heathen stood forward. eh? Whereabouts garden?" No answer from the Chinaman. then he straightened himself up under the measuring stic . After some time. "Towsiwille!" "Townsville. and consulted some papers that he held in his hand." "Garden. and closed his eyes while the officers carefully scrutinised his face and compared it with the photograph. I thin . and the Chinaman was ordered to stand aside. where they floated about li e a pair of miniature jun s.

too. as li ely as not. Sometimes." This was what we had been waiting for. a Lothario. All day long. If there is a guest at table the cat is particularly civil to him. a musician. a sport of the first water. Some of them will get on the wrong Islands. for instance. "Isn't it sweet of him? Isn't he intelligent? He wants you to give him something to eat." he said. an acrobat. But a cat has really more character than most human beings. "It's a bit rough on some of these island boys.an air of infinite superiority--"what for dese no go?" "The sooner the lot of you go the better we'll li e it. and allows himself to be pestered by the attentions of silly women and annoyed by children. The Sydney Morning Herald. are the Australians!" But the superior globetrotter had gone below to write to the English papers about it. because the guest is li ely to have the best of what food is going. "Poor pussy! Poor pussy!" The cat soon gets tired of that --he puts up his claw and quietly but firmly ra es the guest in the leg. that would be nothing short of murder. The captain of the ship spo e to him patronisingly." The superior globetrotter was very indignant. the cat has the most many-sided character. a grim fighter. the guest stoops down and stro es the cat. and he purrs noisily and rubs himself against the legs of the family. "When you travel a little in Australia. and all the time he is thin ing of a fight or a love affair that is coming off that evening. "Why. the common roof-tree cat. 15 November 1902 THE CAT FEW KNOW anything about domestic animals--about their inner life and the wor ings of their minds. But watch him as the shades of evening fall. though. Some of them are going to their doom just as surely as if they were illed already. and sleeps by the fire. "You don't mean to say that they would be so careless of human life as to land them on the wrong islands?" he said. Ta e. Of all the animal ingdom. instead of recognising his civility with something to eat. "the cat stuc his claw into me!" The family is delighted. as li ely as not. and caring little for anything but mice and mil . It remar s. "Ow!" says the guest. When the family sits down to tea. "They are great people for leaving things to luc . He--or she--is an athlete.ic the cat through the                                                 . you'll get used to that sort of thing. They will go bac to their islands and find their own tribe nearly all dead. the cat usually puts in an appearance to get his share. Most people thin that the cat is an unintelligent animal. and they will soon be disposed of there. and the other tribes will ill and eat them. fond of ease. and gets a great deal more satisfaction out of life. the cat loafs about the house and ta es things easy. and says. and people get the idea that this sort of thing is all that life holds for the cat. and you see the cat as he really is. To pass the time away he sometimes watches a mouse hole for an hour or two--just to eep himself from dying of ennui. We had astonished him at last." The guest dare not do what he would li e to do-." said a squatter.

the noiseless approach and the hurried dash upon the verandah. All cats fight. my friend. No longer are they the hypocritical. and small boys with stones. and then. he seems to have no appetite. Before long they come--gliding. Even the young lady cats have this inestimable superiority over human beings that they can fight among themselves. with a loo in his eyes as much as to say: "Another time. Grimal in decided to go and ill a canary in a neighbouring verandah. trots across a right-of-way to a vacant allot-ment. from side to side. or war. Life. dropping his head nearly to his paws. and                                                               . Arrived on the top of the shed. now begins for him. he affects to be very much amused. the exultant retreat with the spoil and the growling over the feast that follows. you won't be so dull of comprehension.window--so with tears of rage and pain in his eyes. When the family has finished tea. and halting occasionally to loo round and reconnoitre--tortoiseshell. drops lightly down the other side. Naturally. They are now ruffling. he loo s quic ly. for he has many enemies--dogs. and moves noiselessly. Consider the fascination of it--the stealthy reconnaissance from the top of the fence." It is always levelled as a reproach against cats that they are more fond of their home than of the people in it. eenly. A cat isn't a fool--not by a long way. Your cat may be the ac nowledged lightweight champion of his district--a Griffo of the feline ring! Just thin how much more he gets out of his life than you do out of yours--what a hurricane of fighting and love-ma ing his life is--and blush for yourself. "Tom must be sic . the care to avoid wa ing the house dog. and wor off the jealousy. approaching circuitously. and s ips to the roof of an empty shed. and sorts out a bit of fish from his plate and gives it to the cat. then wheels round and stretches himself a few times. swaggering blades with a Gascon sense of their dignity. the cat doesn't li e to leave his country. too! As they get older and retire from the ring they go in for sport more systematically. true life. he throws off the effeminate loo of civilisation. You have had one little love affair. are to them hunting grounds and trysting places where they may have more sport and adventure than ever had King Arthur's nights or Robin Hood's merry men. and never a good. and gathers round the fire to enjoy the hours of indiges-tion together. cabmen with whips. and all eep themselves more or less in training while they are young. As he goes. Not the least entertaining part of it is the demure satisfaction of arriving home in time for brea fast and hearing the house-mistress say. or sport. mee creatures who an hour ago were cadging for fish and mil . graceful shadows. all domestic cats. The cat gingerly receives it. determined battles. Their fights are grim. his gait becomes lithe and panther-li e. hatred and malice of their lives in a sprawling. springs to the top of the fence with one easy bound. yelling combat on a flat roof. the cat slouches casually out of the room and disappears. just to see that every muscle is in full wor ing order. sends across a league of bac yards his call to his indred--his call to love. and blac . tabby. and a cat will be clawed to ribbons before he'll yield. and the fierce clawing at the fluttering bird till the mangled body is dragged through the bars of the cage. the cat arches his bac and ra es his claws once or twice through the soft bar of the old roof." and purrs maliciously as he carries the bit of fish away to a safe distance from the guest's boot before eating it. the land where he has got all his friends. He saunters down his own bac yard. and the suburban bac yards that are to us but dullness indescribable. but all transformed for the nonce into their natural state. all-out fight in your life! And the sport they have.

how much less do they now about the dog? This article was started as an essay on the dog. instead of going to the ant of the parable for wisdom. but when there is wor to be done. How crestfallen he loo s if by any chance he blunders on to a bird without pointing it! A fiddler who has played a wrong note in a solo is the only creature who can loo as discomfited. and so on. the cat. though the conductor is strange to him. A fox hound or a angaroo dog is always of the same opinion as Mr Jorroc s: "All time is wasted what isn't spent in 'untin'. It is not amusement and not a mere duty to him. then the dog is lost in the artist. A house dog or a wor ing dog will only wor for his own master. it is a sacred gift. and at last drawing up li e a statue. The musician's art is sacred to him. either. ecstasied. as long as he is treated li e an artist. It is a grand sight to see a really good setter or pointer wor ing up to a bird. Life isn't long enough for that sort of thing and so. which he is bound to exercise. but it isn't Art. should certainly go to the dog. just as a good musician will do his best. carried away. The Bulletin. if allowed. but there was so much to say about cats that they have used up all the space. How he throws his whole soul into his wor . and feathering eagerly where the bird is close. he would have to learn a new geography. sporting and fighting dogs are the professionals and artists. when the family moves. A man going away for a wee 's shooting can borrow a dog. and ta e little interest in chasing cats. A pointer in need of amusement will play with another dog--the pair pretending to fight. questing carefully over the cold scent." A greyhound will start                                                       . He will give them the privilege of boarding him while he enjoys life in his own way.where he nows every landmar . He is not going to sacrifice his whole career for the doubtful reward which fidelity to his old master or mistress might bring. Hunting and fighting dogs are the gladiators of the animal world. in that they are apt to get careless of everything except their vocation. They loo on a little dog that catches rats much as a great musician loo s on a cric eter--it's clever. and the dog will wor for him loyally. Exiled in a strange land. would have to fight and ma e love to an entirely new nation of cats. and the cat was only incidentally to be referred to. but a professional or artistic dog will wor for anybody. Humanity. occasionally glancing over his shoulder to see that the man with the gun has not lost himself. No sporting dog is ever reliable in his affections--nor is any human artist. and a fresh start must be made to deal with the dog--the friend of man. and that is the case with the dog--Art before everything. They are not good watchdogs. And if people now so little about cats. Not Paganini himself ever more thoroughly lost himself in his art than does the humble Spot or Ponto. and the other members of the band are not up to the mar . He is rapt. for that matter. Sporting dogs are li e other artists. would have to find out all about another tribe of dogs. will stay at the old house and attach himself to the new occupiers. 13 December 1902 THE DOG--AS A SPORTSMAN THE SHEEPDOG and the cattle dog are the wor men of the animal ingdom.

his horror of brawling. running down the wretched sheep and tearing their throats open. and there is no created thing that has more of it than the dog. If by any chance one happens to meet dogs while they are on these little excursions. having apparently arranged the whole affair beforehand. The greyhound snaps once at his opponent and then runs for his life. his ears are in rags. nerve force. his cool determination. though his feet are bitten through and through. possibly. which will not let them give in. or a flu e hit turns the scale in his favour. and a burglar might come and rob the house and murder the inmates without arousing any excitement among these athletic canines. fights in grim silence. because they are neither savage nor quarrelsome dogs. What ma es him fight li e that? It is not bloodthirstiness. One dog. and his nec a hideous mass of wounds. is pitted against a man a shade better than himself. In a well-conducted dog fight each dog in turn has to attac the other dog. Any ind of dog will do it. and then slin off and have a wild night's blood spree. They are very artful about it. is their motto. a bulldog will go all his life without a fight. unless put into a ring. They lie round the house till dar . Even little dogs. and then. pluc . before dawn. they slin bac again and lie down around the house as before. The most earnest and thorough of all the dog tribe is the fighting dog. They snea away li e                                                                 . his opponent loses heart. Many and many a sheep owner has gone out with a gun and shot his neighbour's dogs for illing his sheep. Every station owner nows that sometimes the house dogs--no matter of what breed--are liable to ta e a sudden fit of sheep illing. will pull a desperate race without feeling any pain. ma e him a pattern to humanity. Dogs who are forced to combine half a dozen professions never ma e a success at anything. The bulldog or bull terrier is generally the most friendly and best-tempered dog in the world. but when he is put down in the ring he fights till he drops. Guarding a house is "not their pidgin" as the Chinese say. innocent-loo ing dogs had slain. from collies downwards. their stubborn pride. or in the eyes of the racehorse as he lies down to it when his opponent is outpacing him. that is one great reason for the success of the dog at whatever branch of his tribe's wor he goes in for--he is so very thorough. they show at once that they now the game is up. just as a rowing man. but as soon as he sees a hare start he must go. call it what you li e. It is grit. and one can see the fierce earnestness blazing in the eye of the attac er as he hurls himself on to the foe. Just occasionally one sees the same type of human being--generally some quiet-spo en.out in the morning with three lame legs. Round after round he stands punishment and round after round he grimly comes up till. will have an occasional fit of murder. These men are to be found in every class of life--many of the gamest of the game are mere gutter-bred boys who will continue to fight long after they have endured enough punishment to entitle them to quit. vim. Such dogs are not easily excited by anything but a chase. too. li e fox terriers and S ye terriers. one billet. perhaps. His intense self-respect. It is simply their strong self-respect. There is another phase of dog that has never been quite understood--the occasional longing that comes over dogs to get into mischief. but there is something at the bac of his brain that will not let him cave in. After a few rounds he nows he is overmatched. He utterly forgets his sorrows in the excitement. which his own wic ed. good-tempered man who has ta en up glove fighting for a living and who. Sometimes dogs from different home-steads meet in the paddoc s. but the fighting dog stands to it till death. You can see in their eyes the same hard glitter that shows in the bulldog's eyes as he limps across the ring. all over boils and blisters.

but always visit neighbours' paddoc s. admittedly one of the most astute nego-tiators in the world. it was the occasion of the visit of Lord Milner (then Sir Alfred Milner) with Lord Roberts's army to Bloemfontein. and he spo e of it with a wistful sigh." He spo e of it as one of the highest rewards to which he could aspire. Dogs learn by experience. The real dog is a wor man. and they at once split about preliminaries. the dog sometimes ta es to fowl illing. where there are no sheep to ill. or the big swaggering dog. If Lord Milner had been a wea man or a vain man the temptation to show his ability by negotiating with so renowned an                                                 . who howls in suburban bac yards. who is now spo en of by a London journal as the next Governor-General of Australia. Having for months gone through that awful strain. but. when poisoning has been going on for a few years. These poor unfortunates have missed their vocation. he had to face the responsibility of plunging the nation into war--a heavy responsibility for any man to be loaded with. well poisoned. The best plan is to ta e out a sandwich and eat some of it (before it is poisoned). I am a poor man. on the other hand. So much then for the dog whose courage. concentration and earnest attention to his busi-ness or profession ma e him a pattern to humanity. He had to try to adjust the difficulty between England and the Transvaal. he had to fear that he might be tric ed or cajoled into conceding too much. and rub some of the bread and meat. if possible. The Bulletin. on matters of supremest importance. it is almost impossible to get a dingo to swallow a bait." he said. In civilised parts. was the man on whom all England relied for cool-headed guidance in the manifold troubles of South Africa. He met Kruger. then poison the fragments and throw them about. and the experience is handed down from generation to gener-ation. It may surprise Australians to now that even in the middle of the war the possibility of his becoming Governor-General of Australia had been mooted. who lies fragrantly in the sun before the doors of town houses. Kruger wanted to tal about every possible subject except the franchise. and then go for home as hard as they can run. peaceably. Some months previously he had gone up to Bloemfontein to negotiate on behalf of England with Paul Kruger. No man can equal a dog in any of these characteristics. and should be respected as such. by way of diversion. In districts where dingoes are bad it is easy to poison them at first. and he tal ed of the matter as of a thing which had been much in his mind. 27 December 1902 LORD MILNER LORD MILNER. Some dogs will not ill sheep on their own run. if he did not ma e terms. It will be seen that in this article there is no reference to the dog with the tenor voice. "I couldn't afford to ta e it. into a crac in a log. he was loo ing longingly over to this country as to a haven of rest. MILNER AND KRUGER And yet if there ever was an occasion on which a man might have reason to feel satisfied with himself. The dingo will lic it out of the log.dingoes. but without yielding too far. On the one hand. doubtless thin ing that what the man has been eating must be all right. Milner would tal about nothing but the franchise. "Even if it were offered to me.

which the military refused to allow him to forward. but there was no self-satisfaction but an infinite than fulness and not a little pathos in the speech. enthusiastically cheered. the delays and reverses with which the campaign opened. and the speech was in eeping with the indications. the humiliating defeats in Natal. But he made no sign of disquiet. but he was strong enough to withstand the temptation. and he rose to spea at a banquet given in his honour in the very hall where he had met Kruger in fruitless negotiations. were unable to land goods at the port. let us hope that we may never have to undergo such an experi-ence again. There was always present to his mind the idea that if he had negotiated all this might have been avoided.adversary on so important a subject would have led him into tal and nego-tiations. His friends were disappointed. he might well have been forgiven if he had indulged in a little self-congratulation. the slaughter at Magersfontein. Having chosen his course he abided by it in silence. shrewdly suspected of being in league with the Boers. and                               . urgently needed. thic -s inned type on whom responsibilities sit lightly. All through the long weary months of irregular warfare he was harassed and worried as no other man in Africa was worried. "I entered this very hall charged with most difficult and important negotiations. There was no triumphing over a fallen foe. The thin frame. "When I last visited Bloemfontein. An up-country store eeper had a couple of truc loads of supplies. THE WAR STRAIN Then followed the strain of the war. not only of the Transvaal and Free State but in Cape Colony. the lean nervous hands. HIS SPEECH When he rose. Since then you all now the terrible strain and distress of mind through which the nation has passed. Tradesmen and shop eepers wanted to go bac to Johannesburg. He is not a man of the bluff. but this time with a conquering army. He had to try to tone down as far as possible the hardship of military rule on the one side and vexations and often insincere complaints of the civilians on the other. and at last Milner went once more to Bloemfontein. hard. He deliberately threw away what seemed to be the opportunity of a lifetime. the careworn face. all indicate a temperament more suited to a writer and a thin er than to a politician or a diplomat. and were refused permits by the military authorities. and let us feel devoutly than ful to Divine Providence that has blest our armies with such success." he said. until the advent of Lord Roberts as Commander in Africa changed the whole face of the campaign." ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN If Lord Milner hoped for rest after the practical overthrow of the Boer forces he was doomed to disappointment. The result was that the inland towns were often unable to get supplies for their civilian population. and the local authorities--mayors and town councillors--at once ran to Milner with their grievances. I too a course which seemed in my judgment to be the right one. and refused to negotiate. he entered into no explanations or excuses as to why he had not negotiated. He at once brought his grievances to Milner. They at once ran to Milner to intercede for them. Residents of Capetown. the public dissatisfied. The military too over practical control of all railways and means of transport and food supplies in the disturbed districts. Small wonder that during those weary months heavy lines of care were drawn on Milner's face. Why hadn't he done something after going so far? He came away from Bloemfontein having done--nothing.

arrested for being out after eight without a pass. IN AUSTRALIA There is much yet to do in Africa to settle the place and adjust differences. permits to be obtained to ma e railways that will soon be carrying their millions of passengers annually. Prominent citizens. There are political adventurers. American. There are officials to be bribed or bullied into granting concessions--officials whose oath their dearest friends would not believe. firmly. but Lord Milner has earned rest and reward as fully as any man could earn it. Australians wishing to settle--all came to him with their grievances. It is necessary to visit China itself in order to get any clear idea of the responsibilities and difficulties of Dr Morrison's position. Besides the English trade. but he too the view that. If the appoint-ment should be given to him he should prove just the man to fill it. and all were patiently. water rights for irrigation to be snapped up. and not only is there trade development to carry on. outlanders. and straightforwardly dealt with. German. He tried to be all things to all men. pro-Boers. but there are in China undreamed of sources of wealth--fertile lands that will grow anything. and yet. and the fringe of the country has barely been touched. and it now appears possible that the reward is to ta e the shape of the Governor-Generalship of Australia. All day long there was a steady stream of people to see him--military.came in a deputation to Milner. In every Chinese treaty port there is a restless crowd of adventurers of all nations--English. German. and Japanese trade of China waiting to be developed. mines of fabulous richness. that in 1898 China imported over seven million pounds' worth of English goods--almost equal to the New South Wales imports for the same year. and his wor ing day lasted for about 18 hours. civilians. He has shown himself abundantly possessed of the tact and judgment necessary for the position. He might very easily have refused to listen to any of these people and their troubles. to secure railway rights. pulling all sorts of hidden strings and producing all sorts of amazing gyrations among the                   . the Times correspondent in China. The Sydney Morning Herald. he was bound to do what he could to adjust the difficulties that arose under military rule. and for a wonder he succeeded. and whose written promise is a mere piece of waste paper. Russian. But consider the strain and worry of it all: and so little than s for it did he get that he was always represented as the bete noire of the Boers and their sympathisers. just a few treaty ports have been thrown open. 31 December 1902 DR MORRISON: A NOTABLE AUSTRALIAN TODAY THERE arrives in Sydney one of the most notable Australians of the present day--Dr Morrison. Russian. all these prizes lie in China awaiting the hardy adventurer who can get in as "first robber". and after what he has been through the wor here would be practically a holiday tas . French. ship captains. sent indignant appeals to Milner. there is the American. as civil head of the community. to secure water rights. and of the Afri anders generally. He appeared to have no fixed hours for reception of visitors. or to secure mining rights. and Jew--all scheming and struggling to secure land. so quic ly has the trade grown. while all the time they were running to him for advice and assistance at all hours of the day and night. The huge Chinese Empire has for years been jealously guarded from outside intrusion.

puppets of Chinese politics. There are days when the mere nowledge that an agreement has been signed by a Chinese official may be worth ten thousand pounds in cold cash. There are rumours, lies, threats, open violence to be encountered; and among this tumult and strife there moves one man to whose nowl-edge all white men--Russian, American, German, and Jew ali e--defer, Morrison, the Australian, who represents the Times in China. It is hard to explain the secrets of his success in getting information. It is not the amount of money that he has to spend, because the utmost sum that the Times could allow for secret service money would be a mere flea bite to the amount that some of the concessionaires and political agents would give for early and exclusive information. And yet so marvellously does he manage that the full text of the important treaty, signed in 1901 at the conclusion of hostilities, was actually wired by him to his paper, and was being read and discussed in English homes, several days before the document was laid before the representatives of the nations for signature. This is not luc --it's a gift! Dr Morrison lives for the most part at Pe ing, where he is in touch with the best-informed Chinese circles. But he moves constantly about, travelling in men-of-war, on tramp steamers, on mule litters, on pony bac , or on his feet, as occasion demands. He is a powerful, wiry man, of solid and imposing presence, and those who now him best in China say that he has mastered the secret of all Chinese diplomacy--bluff. In China you must "save your face", i.e., preserve your dignity at all hazards. He never allows any Chinaman, however important, to assume for a moment that he (the Chinaman) is in any way the equal of the Times corre-spondent in China. He has been nown--so his friends say--to pull a Chinese mandarin out of his chair of state and seat himself in it, in order to impress upon that Chinaman and his friends the transcendental amount of "face" possessed by the Times correspondent. For the rest, a een nowledge of men, a gift of diplomacy, and a dogged Scotch persistency pull him through his difficulties.

It needs an exceptional man to hold his own in such troubled waters; every day there is some new rumour, some new threat, some new difficulty. What are the Russians doing, what the Germans, what the Americans? He has to report, and report faithfully, every move in a game in which the sta es are millions, and the counters are the lives of men. So thoroughly do the various Europeans rely on him that when the Legations were besieged and no news came through, and it was nown that Morrison was in the besieged buildings, all hope was abandoned. The general opinion all down the China coast was: "If Morrison was alive, he would manage to get some news through." As a matter of fact, the wires were never cut, and the Chinese in Hong Kong and Shanghai had news from their friends all through the siege that the Legations were safe; but no European would believe it, because it was thought that if the white people in the Embassy were alive they would be able to bribe a Chinaman to send a message somehow; the existence of an unbribable lot of Chinamen was a thing they did not believe in. And yet it was so, and for all the length of that siege the bland, imper-turbable Chinaman threw off the mas , and showed his cold, uncompromising detestation of the European and all his wor s; and in the great Armageddon yet to come, when the Chinaman ma es his next try to eject the white barbarian, woe betide those who fall into his hands. Dr Morrison's movements are timed to ta e him bac to China in the spring, when the gentle Chinaman, and the Russian, and the Manchu, awa e from their winter sleep, and resume their game of swapping concessions


















and privileges; when the German once more starts to undersell his English competitor, and the river highways teem with human life, and the fishing jun s go out to sea from Swatow in a cluster as thic as sailing boats at a Balmain regatta. China is the theatre of the world's chief performance for the next few years; and we may watch the unfolding of the drama with added interest from the fact that the man who is to tell us most about it is an Australian. The Evening News, 21 January 1903

THE ELECTION SEASON: AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE FOR CANDIDATES By A. Woodby, M.P. I have not been as ed to contest any electorate, so far, and the letters M.P. after my name do not signify Member of Parliament, but simply Member of the Public. I hold that every white citizen has a right to put what letters he chooses after his name, and I choose to describe myself as M.P. When I say I have not been as ed to contest any electorate, I am not spea ing quite accurately. As a matter of fact, a few friends offered to "run me" for the electorate in which I reside. We held a lot of meetings in the bac rooms of public houses, and an enormous lot of liquor was consumed at my expense. Every man that heard of it "dropped in", and assured me that my chances were of the brightest. Then each dran about three beers and "dropped out" to pass the word along to his mates, that a candidate was standing drin s, and later on, all the mates dropped in. My meetings were always unanimous in my favour, and I believe I would have beaten George Reid for East Sydney, I was so popular. I employed a man to go round and get signatures to a petition to me to come forward. To ma e sure that he would wor hard, I paid him at so much per hundred signatures. He brought me in a most gratifying list, but I found that most of the signatures were written by the canvasser himself. He too a bottle of in , a pen, and a rug out to the bush at Bondi, and lay in the sun all day, writing signatures. I found that my friends had "run me" to the tune of twenty pounds, or so, and I stopped my candidature right there. I am now prepared, however, to contest any safe seat on either the free trade or protectionist side. And while I am awaiting a requisition, I have decided to ma e a few notes on canvassing the female vote, which may serve as a guide to my fellow-candidates. THE NEED FOR FAT Every candidate should be a fat man. Not that a fat man is any cleverer than a thin man; but because a superstitious reverence is paid to obesity. A young Boer, writing a boo on the war, said that the greatest mista e made by his brave but misguided nation was the reverence paid by them to the old Boers, who were only distinguished by profusion of waistcoat and growth of beard. In fact, he said, worship of hair and tallow had been the ruin of the nation. It is much the same in Australia. Even the gifted Sha espeare, or the person, whoever he was, that wrote his wor s, says-Let me have men about me that are fat; Slee -headed men, and such as sleep o' nights; I li e not yon lean candidate. or words to that effect. We may ta e it, then, that a fat candidate has a



















tremendous advantage over a thin one. FEMALE VOTERS The female vote is the one that will ta e some catching at the next election. Unless the women "ta e to" a man, there is not the least hope of their voting for him, as they are notoriously swayed by their li es and disli es. The candidate will, therefore, have to be prepared to adapt himself to the various classes he will have to meet: And it is in this adaptability that his chances of success will be. THE BARMAID VOTE To secure this vote you should get yourself up as much li e a commercial traveller in jewellery as you can. You should have on a diamond ring that ma es the South Head light loo li e a farthing candle, and a waistcoat that out-Herods Herod in its illing capacities. Conversation should be directed mainly to supper parties after the theatre, and you should smo e a cigar all through the interview, even though it ma es you sic afterwards. These things must be gone through if you mean to be a member of Parliament. THE SERVANT GIRL VOTE For the servant girl vote, a disguise in the costume of a policeman is advisable. The candidate may explain in a whisper that he isn't a real policeman, and may wor up quite a "penny dreadful" romance out of the situation. If the girl once firmly believes that you are somebody in disguise, her impulsive sympathies will carry her to any lengths. She will poison the family rather than allow them to vote against you. If you don't disguise yourself, the head of the house may never let you see the domestics at all, so the policeman dodge is the best. No one dares to stop a policeman. THE LADY POLITICIAN Having canvassed the barmaids, and the servant girls, you may as well have a trial of strength with the lady politician. Your best attitude is that of abject humility, and the less you say the better. When she as s you, "What do you thin of Smith's Wealth of Nations?" you must not let her guess that you thin she is referring to Bruce Smith. No; rather should you stand in an appealing attitude, and she will proceed to "deal it out to you" by the yard--all you have to do is to listen. No lady politician can eep silent long enough to allow you to answer a question; so, unless you interrupt her, you are safe. Therefore, don't interrupt her. She prob-ably will not thin much of you, but she must vote for somebody, and you are as li ely as not to be the one. THE POTTS POINT VOTE In canvassing for the female Potts Point vote the candidate should wear a froc coat, eyeglass, spats, and striped trousers. In this class of canvassing it is advisable to adopt what the doctors call a good bedside manner. You should strive to impress the lady with the idea that you are somebody in particular. In these high society circles the great thing is to get the first blow in. On being shown into the room, you should at once say, "Ah, aren't you some relation to my friend Lord Fantod?" If she says, "No, I don't thin so," you should say at once, "Ah, pardon me; but I'm sure I heard him mention your name!" That will settle it.




















You needn't say anything more. That women will tell her husband she is going to vote for you whether he li es it or not, and if he says, "Why?" she will say, "Because he nows Lord Fantod." That will dispose of one class of female voter. THE ROCKS PUSH Last, but not least, comes the Roc s lady. To canvass this class is a matter of ris . To begin with, your wife may stop you if she gets any idea where you are off to. Then, if you can dodge her, the ris s are great of being "topped off with a bottle", or disposed of by the admirers of the lady you approach. A good suit of clothing provo es open hostility. The candidate's only chance is to get a pair of bell-bottoms, high-heeled boots, and a soft hat. Just wal past the lady a few times, and loo hard at her, and she will say, "Hullo, Face," and the rest is easy. The "lidy", if she li es the loo of you, will vote for you, and if she doesn't she won't. And that is all there is to say about it. In canvassing about the Roc s, you must always be ag'in the Government. Tal in a dar way about "blo es that puts themselves into good billets", and be severe on everybody, and you can't go wrong. Now and again, you will meet a lady voter who has made a study of politics, and has read all the democratic papers. If this disastrous fate befall you, the only thing to do is "bluff". On no account must you betray any hesitation--if you do you are lost. If fairly cornered, you can always fall bac on Coghlan. Coghlan has helped many a lame political dog over a stile. If you are challenged as to any facts, you should begin the debate by as ing, "Have you seen the last volume of Coghlan?" Of course she hasn't. Then you can say with a mysterious air, "Well, loo at Coghlan, an' you'll see all that clearly laid out." Then leave before you get laid out yourself. If you have a good florid bluff manner, you will hear the push say as you leave, "An' 'e's a scholar, that blo e. Knows Coghlan li e a boo ." For foreign facts, always refer to Mulhall. If they as , "Who is Mulhall?" say he wrote the political columns in Reynolds Wee ly for years. They won't now any better. But whatever you do, in dealing with the Roc s vote, never get confused or "lose your bloc ", as the saying is. You may be "topped off" at any minute if you do. These few hints are put forward in the hope that they may save the breath of many worthy persons, who would otherwise waste a lot of energy in what is called "hot air tal " to female voters. Politics don't matter: clothes are the main thing. The Evening News, 14 November 1903

THE AMATEUR GARDENER THE FIRST step in amateur gardening is to sit down and consider what good you are going to get by it. If you are only a tenant by the month, as most people are, it is obviously not much use your planting a fruit orchard or an avenue of oa trees, which will ta e years to come to maturity. What you want is something that will grow quic ly, and will stand trans-planting for when you move it would be a sin to leave behind you all the plants on which you have spent so much labour and so much patent manure. We new a man once who was a boo ma er by trade--and a leger boo ma er at that--but he had a passion for horses and flowers, and when he "had a big win", as he occasionally did, it was his custom































The flower is not stri ingly beautiful nor ravishingly scented. and would promise himself that he would raise the boo ma er's rent next quarter day. In trees. the Port Jac son fig is a patriotic plant to grow. He would hitch two carthorses to the stables. and he always argued that change of air was invaluable for chrys-anthemums. It is to correct this tendency that this article is written. In grasses. but if need be it will worry along without either. and therefore suitable to suburban amateur gardens. the next thing is to consider what sort of a chance you have of growing them. trees. It is therefore useless thin ing of growing any delicate or squeamish plants. Goats will also stray in from the street. Then he would eep splendid horses in the stables. and when the forces of man and the forces of Nature come into conflict Nature will win every time. as is also cosmea. Fowls cannot scratch it up. and even a goat turns away dismayed from its hard-featured branches. as he invariably did at least twice a year. nor for his creditors. the same principle holds good. The greatest standby to the amateur gardener should undoubtedly be the blue-flowered shrub nown as plumbago. and having decided on the class of shrubs that you mean to grow. just to ma e a nice place to lie down and fluff the dust over himself. Being determined then to go in for gardening on commonsense principles. and bite the young shoots off. and you will see the rooster scratching your pot plants out by the roots as if they were so much straw. nor for his landlord. He would dig up not only the roses. and whatever valuable plant a goat bites is doomed. and requires to have the whole garden swept up every day. If your neighbour eeps game fowls it may be ta en for granted that before long they will pay you a visit. This homely but hardy plant will grow anywhere. bignonia and lantana will hold their own under difficulties perhaps as well as any that can be found. However. and though smothered with street dust and scorched by the summer sun you will find that faithful old plumbago plugging along undismayed. grow rare roses and show-bench chrysan-themums in the garden and the landlord passing by would see the garden in a blaze of colour. Most amateur gardeners maintain a lifelong struggle against the devices of Nature. and it is a fine plant to provide exercise. selecting the most valuable plants with a discrimination that would do credit to a professional gardener. it was his pleasing custom to move without giving any notice. as it sheds its leaves unsparingly. but would also cart away the soil he had brought in. too. The plant nown as the churchyard geranium is also one mar ed out by Provi-dence for the amateur. but the misguided amateur gardener as a rule despises it. but for himself. There is a grass called nut grass. He had one garden that he shifted to nearly every suburb in Sydney in turn. It naturally prefers a good soil and a sufficient rainfall. Be this as it may. either of which will hold                                         . A plant li e this should be encouraged and made much of. but the suburban amateur gardener persists in trying to grow quite other plants. Nature has decreed that certain plants shall be hardy. and haul them away at night. Your aim as a student of Nature should be to encourage the survival of the fittest. and another called Parramatta grass. when the boo ma er "too the noc ". in fact. a plant that comes up year after year when once planted. In creepers. and in despising those mar ed out by Nature for his use. and chrysanthemums that he had planted.to have movable wooden stables built on s ids put up in the yard. but it flowers nine months out of the year. he used to shift the garden bodily. the proposition is self-evident that the would-be amateur gardener should grow flowers not for posterity. and to have tons of the best soil that money could buy carted into the garden of the premises which he was occupying.

When the terrier goes bac and finds the bone gone. What more pleasant than to get out of bed at 11. and loo out of your window at a lawn waving with the feathery plumes of Parramatta grass. a barrow is about the only other thing needed.its own against anything living or dead. The Parramatta grass is the selected of Nature. and disappear into the next-door garden. so as soon as the terrier has planted a bone in the garden the owner slips over and digs it up and ta es it away." is the reply. "Small hope your dog has of catching him! Why don't you get a garden gate li e mine. and earn the hypocritical admiration of your wife. After digging for half an hour or so. Don't buy it. will not attempt to fight with Nature but will fall in with her views. falling downstairs in his haste. and anyhow it is almost a necessity for removing cases of whis y into the house. The average gardening manual gives you recipes for destroying these grasses. and will not attac it till the cat is made to run. as Uncle Remus would say. and then he suddenly turned and butted the greyhound cran sided. so as he won't get in?" "No. because old experience has taught that De Wet can run as fast as a greyhound when he li es. and who are you to interfere with Nature? Having thus decided to go in for strong. and through your gate into the street again. but he never exerts himself to go any faster than is necessary to just eep in front of whatever dog is after him. but the average ironmonger will show you an unwieldy weapon only meant to be used by navvies. so he sets to wor and digs patiently all over the garden. and De Wet beats a hurried retreat.30 on a Sunday morning. rush in. and with it you can ma e a good display of enthusiasm. and before long they scale the fence by standing on one another's shoulders. "but I thin his commando are in your bac garden now. an acquaintance of ours has a dog that does all his gardening. After the last goat has scaled your neighbour's fence. and a bit over. Why should you destroy them in favour of a sic ly plant that needs constant atten-tion? No. your neighbour comes onto his verandah. and has dug in the wrong place. about half-size--it is nice and light and doesn't tire the wrist. he distrusts his own memory. with the little dog exactly one foot behind him in frantic pursuit. simple plants that will hold their own. and begins to thin that perhaps he has made a mista e. and sees the chase going down the street. and only De Wet is left in your garden. We say apparently at full speed. turning over acres of soil in his search for the missing bone. and the sudden reappearance of the commando s ipping easily bac over the fence. you can get her to rub your bac with any of the bac ache cures advertised in this journal and from that moment you will have no further need for the spade. he can't get in at your gate. whose memory is failing somewhat. where a fanatic is trying to grow show roses. And tal ing of terrier dogs. "Ha! that wretched old De Wet again!" he says. the man saves himself a lot of bac ache. and the local commando of goats. in fact. headed by an aged and fragrant patriarch (locally nown as De Wet from the impossibility of capturing him). you must get your implements of husbandry. Besides a spade. when your terrier dog has bailed up a cat. and to see beyond it the churchyard or stin ing geranium flourishing side by side with the plumbago and the Port Jac son fig? The garden gate blows open. Meanwhile. The dog is a small elderly terrier. your little dog discovers him. Hearing the scrimmage. but their teeth will barely bite through the wiry stal s of the Parramatta grass. De Wet once did run for about a hundred yards with a greyhound after him. then." The next thing is a frantic rush by your neighbour. apparently at full speed. A spade is the first thing. stopping to bite some priceless pot plants of your                                                       . Get a small spade. The sensible amateur gardener. and the plumbago and the fig tree fail to attract them. A ra e is useful sometimes as a weapon.

and each pretends that he wants to be at the other--as they have pretended every day for the past three years. VOTER: 'Tis Thompson's. perhaps. cherry-pic ers. then. The Evening News. and go out for a stroll with a light heart. because his rival little dog who lives down the street is going past with his master. and you get quite a hearty laugh by dropping a chair on him out of the first floor window. MACBREATH: Not so did I! Not on the doubtful hazard of a vote By Ryde electors. Be large in mirth. MACBREATH: Here. you stroll out.neighbour's as they come out. that he did.) There's blood upon thy face. smooth with your foot or with your small spade the inequalities made by the hens. but his hoofs ma e no impression on the firm turf of the Parramatta grass. They seat themselves in the compartment. who have disappeared from the throng. but you don't worry. SCENE: A Drummoyne tram running past a lunatic asylum. (Voter approaches the door. Anon we'll all be fitted With Parliamentary seats. you now well enough that the small blac hen and the big yellow hen. That drive their mar et carts at dread of night And sleep all day. oafs. Why should it? By following the directions in this article you have selected plants that he cannot hurt. Your little dog rushes frantically up and down the front bed of your garden bar ing and racing. But the performance he goes through in the garden doesn't disturb you. and seeing him go tearing down the street. Did he sign a pledge agreeing to retire? VOTER: Aye. you gather up casually the eggs that they have laid. A horse gets in. Why should you? They can't hurt it: and besides. Not on the jaundiced choice Of fol s who daily run their half a mile Just after brea fast. you whistle to your little dog. All present are Reform Leaguers and supporters of Macbreath. MACBREATH: Is he thrown out? How neatly we beguiled The guileless Thompson. when the steamer hoots                         . are even now laying their daily eggs for you at the bac of the thic est bush. and. The game fowls of your other neighbour come fluttering into your garden. After brea fasting at 12 noon. I'll sit in the midst. 19 December 1903 MACBREATH A Tragedy as Played at Ryde Macbreath Mr Henley Macpuff Mr Terry The Ghost ACT I TIME: The day before the election. and tearing up the ground. That is the true way to enjoy amateur gardening. and scratch and chuc le and fluff themselves under your plumbago bush.

Till Labour's platform to Kyabram come I cannot taint with fear. joyous day. my Lord. ACT II TIME: Election day. Alas that there are only ninety seats. (Ghost disappears. Prithee. To-morrow's poll will ma e me M. Run for some other seat.) GHOST: The Pledge! The Pledge! MACBREATH: I say I never signed the gory pledge. That I did for him I paid my shilling and I cast my vote. chase thyself! (The ghost of Thompson disappears. MACBREATH: Thou art the best of all the shilling voters. MACBREATH: What a polished liar! And yet the dead can vote! (Stri es him.                         . Thy story quic ly! MESSENGER: Gracious. Still. And tal s of pledges.A. Will have to loo for wor ! Oh. Enter a Messenger. be near me on election day To see me smite Macpuff--and now we shan't Be long-(Ghost of Thompson appears.) Leaguers all. MACBREATH: Bring me no more reports: let them all fly. and all the rest. I should report that which I now I saw. for if these rustics' choice Had fall'n on Thompson. So many worthy candidates I see. How go the votes? Enter First Voter FIRST VOTER: May it please my Lord. and Macbreath revives himself with a great effort. I should still have claimed A conference.Her warning to the laggard--not on these Relied Macbreath. his name is mud.) What if it should be! (Ghost of Thompson appears to him suddenly. Ashton.) What's this? A vision! Thou canst not say I did it! Never sha e Thy gory loc s at me. But now not how to do it.L. Let the woods hide thee. and Jimmy Hogue. let us ta e them all--and Joe Carruthers. The cherry-pic ers' vote is two to one Towards Macpuff: and all our voters say The ghost of Thompson sits in every booth. Prithee.) Thou com'st to use thy tongue. But hold! Is Thompson out? VOTER: My Lord. SCENE: Macbreath's committee rooms. All amateurs and no professionals. Mine own especial comrades of Reform.

ten--out!") MACPUFF: Kind voters all. crushes the thin. Nay. members. two. 25 January 1904 THE ORACLE AT THE RACES No tram ever goes to Randwic races without him. He hardly gets to now th' billiard tables Before he's out . 'tis sudden! These are the uses of the politician. eight. "One. apologetic stranger next him into a pulp. rather death! Death before picnic fare! Lay on. will be frozen out of wor ! MACBREATH: Aye. enter Macpuff at the head of a Picnic Party. fool? MESSENGER: No. adjusts the change. I'll ta e thee to a picnic.. and tal s to the whole compartment freely. he is always fat. as if they had as ed for his opinion. and made me Member for Thompson. chaffs the conductor. enough! (They fight. Who rallied to my flag today. He falls. tyrant! By that fourth party which I once did form. he is generally one of a party..) MACPUFF: Now. Whom I invite to dance at Chowder Bay! (Curtain) The Evening News. well. let us go! Than s to you all who shared this glorious day. and he ta es the centre of the stage all the time--pays the fares. (Alarums and Harbour excursions. yield thee..MACBREATH: Well. for I can blow Li e any trombone. The referee counts. from my soul I than you. MACBREATH: The devil damn thee blac . And damned be he who first cries Hold. A few brief sittings and another contest. three. runs the story so! Well. and assertive. and worthy gentlemen. Macpuff. there to live On windfall oranges! MACBREATH: . Prithee.                           . hairy. There needs no trumpet blast. thou cream-faced loon! Where got'st thou this fish yarn? MESSENGER: There's nearly forty-MACBREATH: Thieves. Macbreath is struc on the bac of the head by some blue metal from Pennant Hills Quarry. nine. say on! MESSENGER: As I did stand my watch in Parliament I saw the Labour platform come across And join Kyabram--Loans were overthrown-The numbers were reduced--extravagance Is put an end to by McGowen's vote..

He nows all the trainers and owners, apparently--rather, he ta es care to give the impression that he does. He slowly and pompously hauls out his race boo , and one of his satellites opens the ball by saying, in a deferential way, "What do you li e for the 'urdles, Charley?" The Oracle loo s at the boo , and breathes heavily; no one else ventures to spea . "Well," he says, at last, "of course there's only one in it--if he's wanted. But that's it--will they spin him? I don't thin they will. They's only a lot o' cuddies any'ow." No one li es to expose his own ignorance by as ing which horse he refers to as being able to win; and he goes on to deal out some more wisdom in a loud voice: "Billy K----told me" (he probably hardly nows Billy K----by sight). "Billy K----told me that that bay 'orse ran the best mile an' a half ever done on Randwic yesterday; but I don't give him a chance, for all that; that's the worst of these trainers. They don't now when their horses are well--half of 'em." Then a voice comes from behind him. It is the voice of the Thin Man, who is crushed out of sight by the bul of the Oracle. "I thin ," says the Thin Man, "that that horse of Flannery's ought to run well in the Handicap."

The Thin Man ma es a last effort. "Well, they bac ed him last night, anyhow." "Who bac ed 'im?" says the Oracle. "In Tattersall's," says the Thin Man. "I'm sure," says the Oracle; and the Thin Man collapses. On arrival at the course, the Oracle is in great form. Attended by his string of satellites, he plods from stall to stall, staring at the horses. The horses' names are printed in big letters on the stalls, but the Oracle doesn't let that stop his display of nowledge. "Ere's Blue Fire," he says, stopping at that animal's stall, and swinging his race boo . "Good old Blue Fire!" he goes on loudly as a little court of people collect, "Jimmy B----" (mentioning a popular joc ey) "told me he couldn't have lost on Saturday wee if he had only been ridden different. I had a good sta e on him, too, that day. Lor', the races that has been chuc ed away on this horse. They will not ride him right." Then a trainer, who is standing by, civilly interposes. "This isn't Blue Fire," he says. "Blue Fire's out wal ing about. This is a two-year-old filly that's in the stall--" "Well, I can see that, can't I?" says the Oracle, crushingly. "You don't suppose I thought Blue Fire was a mare, did you?" and he moves off hurriedly, scenting danger.


"I don't

now what you thought," mutters the trainer to himself, as the


The Oracle can't stand this sort of thing at all. He gives a snort, and wheels his bul half-round, and loo s at the spea er. Then he turns bac to the compartment full of people, and says, "No 'ope."




























Oracle retires. "Seems to me doubtful whether you have the necessary apparatus for thin ing--". But the Oracle goes on his way with undiminished splendour. "Now, loo here, you chaps," he says to his followers at last. "You wait here. I want to go and see a few of the talent, and it don't do to have a crowd with you. There's Jimmy M over there now" (pointing to a leading trainer). "I'll get hold of him in a minute. He couldn't tell me anything with so many about. Just you wait here." Let us now behold the Oracle in search of information. He has at various times unofficially met several trainers--has ridden with them in trams, and has exchanged remar s with them about the weather; but somehow in the saddling paddoc they don't seem anxious to give away the good things that their patrons have paid for the preparation of, and he is not by way of getting any tips. He crushes into a crowd that has gathered round the favourite's stall, and overhears one hard-faced racing man say to another, "What do you li e?" and the other answers, "Well, either this or Royal Scot. I thin I'll put a bit on Royal Scot." This is enough for the Oracle. He doesn't now either of the men from Adam, or either of the horses from the great original pachyderm, but the information will do to go on with. He rejoins his followers, and loo s very mysterious. "Well, did you hear anything?" they say. The Oracle tal s low and confidentially. "The crowd that have got the favourite tell me they're not afraid of anything but Royal Scot," he says. "I thin we'd better put a bit on both." "What did the Royal Scot crowd say?" as s an admirer deferentially. "Oh, they're going to try and win. I saw the stable commissioner, and he told me they were going to put a hundred on him. Of course, you needn't say I told you, 'cause I promised him I wouldn't tell." And the satellites beam with admiration of the Oracle, and thin what a privilege it is to go to the races with such a nowing man. They contribute their mites to a general fund, some putting in a pound, others half a sovereign, and the Oracle ta es it into the ring to invest, half on the favourite, and half on Royal Scot. He finds that the favourite is at two to one and Royal Scot at threes, eight to one being given against anything else. As he ploughs through the ring, a whisperer (one of those bro en-down followers of the turf who get their living in various mysterious ways, but partly by giving "tips" to bac ers) pulls his sleeve. "What are you bac ing?" he says. "Favourite and Royal Scot," says the Oracle. "Put a pound on Bendemeer," says the tipster. "It's a certainty. Meet me here if it comes off, and I'll tell you something for the next race. Don't miss it now. Get on quic !" The Oracle is humble enough before the hanger-on of the turf, and as a boo ma er roars "Ten to one Bendemeer", the Oracle suddenly fishes out a sovereign of his own--and he hasn't money to spare for all his nowingness--and puts it on Bendemeer. His friends' money he puts on the favourite and Royal Scot, as arranged. Then they all go round to watch the race.





















The horses are at the post; a distant cluster of crowded animals, with little dots of colour on their bac s. Green, blue, yellow, purple, French grey, and old gold; they change about in a bewildering manner, and though the Oracle has a (cheap) pair of glasses, he can't ma e out where Bendemeer has got to. Royal Scot and the favourite he has lost interest in, and he secretly hopes that they will be left at the post or brea their nec s; but he does not confide his sentiments to his companions. They're off! The long line of colours across the trac becomes a shapeless clump, and then draws out into a long string. "What's that in the front?" yells someone by the rails. "Oh, that thing of Hart's," says someone else. But the Oracle hears them not; he is loo ing in the mass of colour for a purple cap and grey jac et, with blac armbands. He cannot see it anywhere, and the confused and confusing mass swings round the turn into the straight. Then there is a babel of voices, and suddenly a shout of "Bendemeer! Bendemeer!" and the Oracle, without nowing which is Bendemeer, ta es up the cry feverishly. "Bendemeer! Bendemeer!" he yells, waggling his glasses about, trying to see where the animal is. "Where's Royal Scot, Charley? Where's Royal Scot?" screams one of his friends, in agony. "'Ow's he doin'?" "No 'ope!" says the Oracle, with fiendish glee. "Bendemeer! Bendemeer!" The horses are at the Leger stand now, whips are out, and three horses seem to be nearly abreast--in fact, to the Oracle there seem to be a dozen nearly abreast. Then a big chestnut seems to stic his head in front of the others, and a small man at the Oracle's side emits a deafening series of yells right by the Oracle's ear: "Go on, Jimmy! Rub it into him! Belt him! It's a ca e-wal ! A ca e-wal !" and the big chestnut, in a dogged sort of way, seems to stic his body clear of his opponents, and passes the post a winner by a length. The Oracle doesn't now what has won, but fumbles with his boo . The number on the saddlecloth catches his eye. No. 7; and he loo s hurriedly down the page. No. 7--Royal Scot. Second is No. 24--Bendemeer. Favourite nowhere.

Hardly has he realised it, before his friends are cheering and clapping him on the bac . "By George, Charley, it ta es you to pic 'em." "Come and 'ave a wet?" "You 'ad a quid in, didn't you, Charley?" The Oracle feels very sic at having missed the winner, but he dies game. "Yes, rather; I had a quid on," he says. "And" (here he nerves himself to smile) "I had a saver on the second, too." His comrades gasp with astonishment. "D'ye'r that, eh? Charley bac ed first and second. That's pic in' 'Em, if you li e." They have a wet, and pour fulsome adulation on the Oracle when he collects their money. After the Oracle has collected the winnings for his friends he meets the Whisperer again. "It didn't win?" he says to the Whisperer in inquiring tones. "Didn't win!" says out. "How could he was stiffened just see the way he was sic . What was the the Whisperer who has determined to brazen the matter win? Did you see the way he was ridden? That horse after I seen you, and he never tried a yard. Did you pulled and hauled about at the turn? It'd ma e a man stipendiary stewards doing, I wonder?"

This fills the Oracle with a new idea. All that he remembers of the race



























at the turn was a jumble of colours, a aleidoscope of horses, and of riders hanging out on the horses' nec s. But it wouldn't do for the Oracle to admit that he didn't see everything, and didn't now everything; so he plunges in boldly. "0' course, I saw it," he says. "A blind man could see it. They ought to rub him out." "Course they ought," says the Whisperer. "But loo here, put two quid on Tell-tale; you'll get it all bac !" The Oracle does put on "two quid", and doesn't get it all bac . Neither does he see any more of this race than he did of the last one; in fact, he cheers wildly when the wrong horse is coming in; but when the public begins to hoot, he hoots as loudly as anybody--louder if anything--and all the way home in the tram he lays down the law about stiff running, and wants to now what the stipendiaries are doing. If you go into any barber's shop, you can hear him at it, and he flourishes in suburban railway carriages; but he has a tremendous local reputation, having pic ed the first and second in the handicap, and it would be a bold man who would venture to question the Oracle's nowledge of racing and of all matters relating to it. The Evening News, 30 January 1904

THE ORACLE IN THE PRIVATE BAR "Cumanavadrin !" said the Thin Man to the Oracle, when they met at the corner hotel, and he moved to the main entrance. "I never go into the threepenny bar," said the Oracle, "because I am liable to gout, and can't drin beer, and they can't sell anything drin able for threepence but beer, which they ought to sell for twopence now that the brewers have reduced the wholesale price; but threepence seems to be what the Japanese in their wee ly ultimatums to the Czar of Russia call the irreducible minimum." "Well, come into the private bar," said the Thin Man. And they did. "Of course, you now why this is called the private bar?" said the Oracle. "Well, no, I don't," said the man of slight obesity. "It is called the private bar," said the Oracle, "because it is open to the public. That is, it is open to those members of the public who are the happy possessors of the irreducible minimum of one sprat. To every possessor of sixpence a private bar is a public bar, and to every person with less than threepence a public bar is a private bar. In fact, he is barred altogether. In this country you cannot loo at a barman through the end of a long-nec ed tumbler, or through the glass bottom of a pint pot, for less than threepence; that, as Admiral Kamimura would say, is the irreducible minimum."

"Hennessey and Schweppe, my dear," said the Oracle to the flaxen-haired Hebe behind the bar, "and my friend will have the same, because he nows that when you sell a fair nobbler of brandy and soda for sixpence you do


"I see," said the Thin Man, who was so thin that his friends used to as him if he were a grandson of Napoleon Boney Party.

















have a drin . "to William W. Memmott?" "No. as he half emptied his glass. we'd better play level. shout for the barmaid. as Antony said to Cleopatra. "seems to be a very respectable girl. "Play level!" cried the Oracle.                                         . Apparently he played billiards. "Then why. couldn't I?" inquired the Thin Man." he went on. if I went to England I would be matched against him. and probably Ben Jonson called him the Spot Stro e Bard. Grand player. and consequently do not now anything at all about them. or give you fifty in a hundred?" "Oh." said the Oracle. and he was searching the rac for a cue with a tip as big as a shilling." said the Oracle. and the Oracle frowned. if we toss for it you probably won't have a shot at all. "I observe that the Labour party have constructed an entirely new platform of six plan s. "Oh. the greatest of all English poets." "I observe. "This." The barmaid smiled. "that drin should be put down. and I have no doubt that they have wood enough left to ma e another half-dozen." said the Thin Man. "Of course you could. "I'll toss you for it. when they reached the billiard room. I can often ma e a hundred off the red from baul . as recorded by the immortal bard. if you sell two for a shilling and split the soda there is a profit of very nearly a halfpenny!" "But I could come in and have a Hennessey and Schweppe on my own for sixpence. He was afraid. Did you ever now a temperance lecturer to come into a bar. you see." said the Oracle. all cut of their own heads. if it doesn't pay them. 'Let's to billiards!'" "Who was the immortal bard?" as ed the Thin Man. pointing to the young woman. but I do not thin a bar is a proper place for a girl." he said. John." said the Thin Man. and the first to mention the game of billiards." said the Thin Man. "I refer. In this view I have the support of many estimable persons." said the Oracle. Shall I play you with a ten brea . well nowing that he could do so. do they sell one brandy and soda for sixpence?" "It's the quantity they sell that ma es it pay. "Who'll brea ?" said the Oracle. "what's your name. who have never been inside an hotel. John Roberts used to pay me £200 a year to stop in Australia. Did it ever stri e you that the man who reaches the highest position in his trade or profession is generally named Roberts?" "Nonsense!" said the Thin Man. "I am inclined to thin . Sha espeare. while. The number of things which are condemned by people who now nothing at all about them is one of the quaintest paradoxes of the twentieth century.so at a dead loss. and invite her to Manly to shoot the chute and tobog the toboggan? No! Why? Because he is afraid it would be a Steyne on his character! But.

"Well." said the Oracle. give you 98 start. "And how long have you been a drin er at that rate?" "About twenty years. "I'll tell you. "Oh. "Drin . "and I'll have to pay for the table out of the five bob I won from you on the side wager that you wouldn't score!" "I don't li e this way of playing billiards. the Pretty Barmaid. Well. and the Pale Brandy." went on the Oracle. "And barmaids." "Ah. and probably ept sober all the time." said the Thin Man. A beautiful creature li e this leads men to drin ." repeated the Oracle." said the Oracle. as I fired into that middle poc et? And you have been spending a pound a wee in liquor for twenty years. You have spent £1040 in drin ." said the Thin Man.B. that is what ma es my hand so steady at billiards." said the Oracle. Do you now. "drin should be put down. "You're out." said the barmaid. Must have ept fairly sober. I'll brea 'em up. sir. "Loo at John Roberts as a billiardist. "Where's your terrace of houses?" "Eh?" queried the Oracle. "should also be put down." "You seem to be putting it down all right." said the Thin Man. Disgraceful! Twenty times fifty-two equals 1040. probably." They returned to the P. "It's all right when you now it. Have another game? No? All right." "It's a wager. it's li e Bill Scroggins. or into any other ban at a reasonable interest. Let's have another drin ." said the Thin Man. as he again emptied his glass."No nonsense about it." went on the Oracle. and the mar er smiled as he put him on to 98. that if you had put that pound per wee into the Post Office Savings Ban . Loo at Lord Roberts as a general.--the Private Bar. I was a teetotaller for forty years. How much a wee do you spend in drin ?" "Probably a pound. You noticed my steady hand. The money that I didn't spend in drin during the forty years I was a teetotaller is in the same place as Mr Thomas Waddell's next surplus!"                                                             . "if you promise not to let the matter go any further than the columns of a newspaper. well." said the Oracle. "Where is your terrace of houses?" "I've got no houses. where's the money?" as ed the Thin Man. Then the Oracle fired straight into the middle poc et and the game was over. but you've got to now it first. you might now be the happy owner of a terrace of three or four fairly good houses?" "Very li ely. and bet you five bob you don't score at all. or you couldn't have earnt the money to buy liquor.

" replied the Oracle with dignity. "to have been personally acquainted with Sha espeare." "I see. though your ears are certainly the most noticeable. "no. Maitland. and other physical attributes." And he drew in his head and arm together." said the Editor. and Darlinghurst. "Tell the foreman to alter the personal pronoun into the editorial 'we'. as he opened a little sliding shutter in the wall. however technical. Goulburn." "I should not have thought you old enough. "but I have come to ma e a few suggestions." admitted the Oracle. 6 February 1904 THE ORACLE IN THE SANCTUM "No. with considerable surprise. a sort of Oriental hyperbole. tell me the proper way to run a   "Don't you now what a quad is?" as ed the Editor. and slid down the shutter. "I thought you new all about a newspaper office?" replied the Editor." said the Editor. with the air of a man who can ma e anywhere. "That'll stop the beggars jeffin' em-quads on the stone for an hour or two. Proceed." "Righto!" said the Devil. for you have legs and arms." said the Editor. as he proceeded to clip from a paper a column-long letter on "Ecclesiastical Millinery in the Time of Queen Elizabeth". if you care to listen to them. "would fill a boo . something li e an invoice or bill of lading?" said the Oracle. "The number of things you don't now about a newspaper office." "Oh." "Have you come to tell me how to do it?" as ed the Editor.                                         . but if he did say you are all ears it was merely a slight exaggeration. But go on. "Well. "What does that impudent boy mean by 'jeffin' em-quads?" as ed the Oracle. as he lit his himself comfortably in the editor's room at the office Wee ly Weathercoc ." said the Oracle to Editor Clipham. certainly. "it is the regular rule of all editors to listen to advice from anybody and everybody. "I do not pretend to now all about the composing room. as it were. I am all ears. for it was the first time the Oracle had confessed to a lac of detailed nowledge on any subject." explained the Editor.The Evening News. "Ain't yer done the leader yet? The foreman says we'll miss the post if yer don't hurry up!" "I won't eep you one calendar second. "There are certain establishments at Berrima. as Sha espeare says. it isn't every man who nows how to run pipe and seated of the Warrogolga himself at home a newspaper." said the Oracle. and stuc his head through into the sanctum." "An em quad. are nown among vulgar persons by that name. "is used for indenting an article. "but I am not in the habit of using such terms myself. not exactly that." said the Oracle." "Copy!" yelled the Printer's Devil. which I believe.

so long as there isn't anybody of that name in the district." quoth the Oracle. too. or a sectarian row. you now. reprint instead of fresh matter. please copy' in them. so that I could spare the time to listen to your suggestions." "Just so." said the Oracle." implored the Editor. Then bring the letter under the notice of the Worshipful Master of the local Orange Lodge. a slashing divorce (one with half a dozen co-respondents and a mother-in-law of doubtful character). "Then." said the Editor. I will stop the paper!" "Don't do that. all you have to do is to again appear in the character of Michael O'Rafferty. something in this style:                           . "not at all." "I merely wish to offer some suggestions in a friendly manner. denouncing so very Dutch a Dutchman as Oom Paul Kruger. headed 'Why the celebration of the twelfth of July should be suppressed' and sign it 'Michael O'Rafferty'. Occasionally wor up a sectarian row. as ing what consistency there is in men who revere the memory of one Dutchman. and promise John G. and now you'd better tell me what they are. That'll please him. You can always get an ad." went on the Oracle." said the Oracle." said the Editor. a complimentary par about his nice little orchard. When the lampooned party calls round with a stic . no. "there is the obituary poem idea. nothing sells a paper li e a rattling good murder. you've made me give the comps. something li e this: They gave John G. See? Presently somebody will ta e up the Catholic side of the argument and you can leave that alone. the same being William of Orange. dear friend. If you can't get anybody to set the ball rolling. That I am in your debt for a certain paltry amount is true. Write yourself a letter. and there you are! If nobody steps into the breach. Do you imagine that I can't pay?" "Oh. do it yourself. A send-off spree His health was drun And so was he! "Something jocular. "In that branch of journalism you would probably shine. "but if you prefer to sneer I will not do so. But go on. What is more. referring to the dear departed and subsequent in memoriam notices with 'Russian and Hungarian papers." "I should be only too happy to assist you in any little matter of that sort." "In the first place. and I'll loc the door and send the Devil down to the corner for a billy can of beer. and they'll half write your paper between 'em. He will respond with quotations from Liguori and Maria Mon . "you want a column of short paragraphs and little verses. as him to select the person to form the subject of another little jibe." said the Oracle. Your account is the biggest boo debt in the subscribers' ledger!" "Your un indly reference to the state of my account.paper. "or you'll prevent me from being able to sell out at a fair price. "is most unseemly. "I daresay. if you sling 'em a bit of a jingle." said the Editor. go on with the suggestions. but I have an idea that you don't! However.

But the Oracle was in no particular hurry. This was the quatrain. She wasn't a ba er's daughter. She has left us sad and lone! And our hearts are filled with sorrow 'Cause we don't now where she's gone! "Or this. it too well: "What were the words that Johnnie said? Oh. But the little jingle may be cheerful in the births and marriages. the less li ely they are to observe the ludicrous absurdity of obituary and in memoriam verses. "the only thing a responsible journalist in this great free country--where any white man can come and live if he isn't a hatma er--needs to do in regard to libels is to refrain from writing them. for a widower: In the cold ground My wife doth lie." The Oracle stepped in to find. perhaps--and Annie Bread." The Oracle smiled an acquiescent smile. People very seldom get married unless they want to." said the Oracle. a method that will play upon the names. either. and had not believed the                       . and said he had always been an advocate for irrigating the interior. The public doesn't mind being deceived. if possible. as the Oracle put his head in the saloon on Monday morning. with the only politician who ever told the truth about the prospects of his party.We have lost our darling mother. each with a chin on him as bristly as the barrel of a musical box. what did Johnnie mutter? He said. And won't have any but her!" "And now. She's happier now And so am I! "There is money in obituary poetry. but. "Won't eep you a minute. If you now a politician with four wives who has (I mean the politician) never been nown to go home sober. "I will have Annie Bread. Praise everyone. especially marriages. spea of him as a highly moral citizen!" "Than you. as usual. he is now in Heaven. if so. but they very often have babies whether they want to or not! Choose. The Evening News. I read an excellent wedding quatrain once for a couple named respectively John Smith--you've heard the name before. There may have been at some time in some country a barber who told the truth about how long the unshaven customer would have to wait. The more grief-stric en the relatives. 13 February 1904 THE ORACLE IN THE BARBER'S SHOP "You're next!" called the Barber. and deceive the public. "and as the billy-can is empty we will repair to the Royal and cut out a bit more of that running 'ad'. "can you give me any advice about libels?" "Certainly." said the Editor. six men waiting to be shaved." said the Editor.

"Strange form of religion he has. as he scraped some more bristles off the nec of the gentleman in the chair. isn't it?" "There is nothing very new about it. and has caused the deaths of tens of thousands of people at various periods of the world's history." "Voltaire?" said the Thin Man." said the Oracle. It's a good job they don't have beards." proceeded the Tonsorial Artist. And the reason that women have no beards has no bearing on the question of sex superiority at all!" "No?" queried the Thin Man. but it is a thing that frequently happens in the case of a P. but he went so far in the opposite direction                             ." said the Oracle. as it is common. "I suppose you now why it is that women don't have beards?" "I should imagine. and subsequently dishonoured. When charged with atheism. as is commonly supposed. as a good many are now." "Exactly. and the wire were growing out of his chin. What did he say at the battle of Marston Moor? 'Put your faith in the Lord and don't forget to eep the powder dry!' Voltaire was also very strong on faith." whispered the Oracle to the Thin Man seated next to him. how beautiful are the male birds! But the case of the Queen Bee shows that the law of male superiority is not universal. "The reason that women have no beards is that the Creator was aware that no woman could possibly eep her chin still long enough to admit of her being shaved without being in imminent danger of having her throat cut. "Why. without seeing that the saloon is empty. three-fourths of them would be unemployed all the rest of the wee . Dowie has a fine beard. and women do not. Nobody ever ta es a barber's word in a matter of that sort." said the Barber." said the Thin Man." "Yes.N. "Faith-healing is as old as the hills." "Observe. he was an atheist!" "It is a common idea. That is why men have beards. with the fencing-wire whis ers." said the Oracle. and who loo ed as if he had swallowed a bird cage." went on the Thin Man." said the Oracle. Can't put on extra hands." said the Oracle." said the Thin Man with the porcupine bristles. "Then there is the Lyre Bird and the Bird of Paradise. Compare the peacoc with the peahen. or an agnostic. "It's a bit aw ward in this business.Barber when the latter told him he was "next". "Certainly not. because all the shops want 'em at the same time and if there were enough to go all round on Saturdays and Mondays. Oliver Cromwell was a great believer in faith. "Can't help eeping people waiting on Saturdays and Mondays." "But I don't find customers growl much." "Just so. "that it is in accord with the natural law under which the male animal is the most beautiful. Voltaire said he was not an atheist. "but it is just as erroneous." "I suppose. "one never hears of a peacoc being discounted. "the noble mane of the lion as compared--I should say contrasted--with the smooth nec of the lioness. "I don't now how women would stand waiting in a shaving saloon.

The saving in salaries will only be fooled away in some other direction." as ed the Fat Man. "The trouble is they don't begin at the right end. "but that's no use. just to even things up a bit. "about this retrenchment scheme? Pretty rough to ma e the civil servants pay for the extravagance of the Government. When the Treasurer made his financial statement. we might as well blame them for a bad one. except that it saves a good bit of gas." said the Oracle." said the Fat Man. If the surplus for the year was 10 per cent below the estimate. but as they always ta e credit for a good season. and he only got that by charging a million of current expenses to loan account. Of course. "If I had a beard li e that. The Treasurer shouldn't be allowed to use any revenue to the extent of a cab fare until the money was voted by Parliament. and came nearer." "How on earth could you do that?" as ed the Fat Man." proceeded the Oracle." said the Oracle to the Fat Man who had moved along the form." said the Oracle. they've done that now. There never was a Treasurer anywhere who even anticipated a deficit. and be liable to alteration every year. I thin I would run the lawn mower over it before I had the impudence to bring it into a barber's shop to be shaved off for threepence. and I don't remember one in this country that ever had a surplus of more than about half a crown. with plenty of thistles and cobbler's pegs among the wheat!" "What's your opinion.' he said.that he was profoundly superstitious. "I didn't mean that. This is what I'd do. What we want is to ma e the Treasurer run the finances so that the balance at the end of the year will be something li e what he prophesied at the start. they should cut down the big screws. from the Premier's down to the Boghollow                               . ain't it?" "It is. when the Thin Man too the chair." suggested the Fat Man." "Perhaps he doesn't own a lawn mower. "If I had a stubbly beard li e that." said the Oracle. 'So far from believing in nothing." "That's it. If I had my way I'd have payment by results. "What we want is a sliding scale of payment for Ministers and members. and Ministers' and members' salaries should be put on the Estimates. 'I can believe in witchcraft and am confident that with incantations (and arsenic) it is possible to poison a floc of sheep!" "Next!" called the Barber. and Thin Man went into the chair. "Then he should use a eyhole saw or a jac plane. "There are always a lot of people in favour of retrenching somebody else." said the Oracle." said the Fat Man. "They've reduced the numbers. I'd ma e it a matter of direct personal interest to him and every other politician to carry out the pledges given in the forecast. and gave his forecast." "Well. "or he should borrow a scythe blade. "Wait till I tell yer. but I'd ma e it compulsory for the politicians to retrench themselves. it is harvesting a heavy crop. they don't cause the drought. It isn't shaving at all. the Parliamentary salaries.

"Why." retorted the Oracle. and you'd all see that the Treasurer didn't waste any money on statues of Australia Ma ing Faces at the Pawnshop. And the Oracle too the chair. and hoc ey wasn't invented until bowling was as old as Methuselah. haven't you?" said the Oracle. and the other chap would have his weather eye on O'Sullivan's beneficence in your bac yard. The rolling bowl is as old as the flowing bowl. But it is a grand old game. Don't you remember--" "Sweet Alice. My word. and if the surplus was 10 per cent above the estimate.                                 ." said the Thin Man." protested the Thin Man. "but every time I loo at you I am inclined to wonder whether the Darwinian theory as to the origin of species may not be true after all. I don't remember.representative's. and I hope you won't be one of the 35 unfortunates. and one of the most scientific. their salaries should be raised 5 per cent. if you remember. 20 February 1904 THE ORACLE AT THE BOWLING GREEN "Never been on a bowling green before. and when there was a surplus of the same amount." "Is it as old as cric et?" as ed the Thin Man. Were you in the Ar ?" "I was not. the amount of your screw should depend on the correctness of the Treasurer's Estimates. could count over the amount of it in hard cash. and countersigned by the Leader of the Opposition. when Parliament is the first place to be retrenched in case of a deficit. it is the oldest of all games. And no statement at the end of a financial year should be admitted as correct unless signed by the Premier. you can ta e my tip there'll always be a surplus!" "Next!" called the Barber. "Cric et be hanged!" replied the Oracle. when there was a surplus. Ben Bolt!" added the Thin Man. You'd ta e jolly fine care that O'Sullivan didn't fool too much money away in some other chap's electorate. Suppose you were a member of Parliament--" "I am." said the Oracle. you are. you'd gain 5 per cent. "but if you had been there I have no doubt they would have placed you in the mon eys' cage along with your ancestors!" "You needn't be insulting. "Why. if the deficit was 10 per cent. "I'm not quite as old as you are. you've got a good job. The Evening News. as he and the Thin Man seated themselves on one of the seats indly provided for spectators. When there was a deficit. Well. "I did not mean to be. who." "No. hoc ey is the grandfather of cric et. and Noah got tight just after he came out of the Ar . are yer? Well." interrupted the Fat Man. should be reduced 20 per cent. "Oh. you'd lose 10 per cent.

and they mustn't be too fast. and just then the captain at the other end of the rin threw a white ball. at least I am told that is the opinion of the manager of the refreshment room. See? The bowls represent the politicians. li e all the politicians. which may be                       "Oh! that's the Jac See. that is why it is called a bias. "but the resemblance between the game of bowls and the game of politics is remar able. about the size of a billiard ball." "Very li ely. All the bowls. I won't explain the game to you at all. where the jac is in the gutter. or the bowl. They mustn't be too slow. "If a bowl or a politician. but Dra e said there was time to finish the game and beat the Spaniards. and a bowl that runs perfectly straight will never get on to the jac if there are any other bowls in front of it. but. Haw ins." "Is that so?" responded the Thin Man. "I didn't now they had any very good heads in Parliament. and Frobisher? All noted naval commanders. one side being Lord Howard and lieutenants Dra e. and the twisting and curving must be nicely timed and judged. is it? Well. then neither of them achieve the object intended. li e the politician. that immortal game of bowls played on the Plymouth green. others are so nicely balanced that they will run just as they are wanted to. but there's probably no more truth in it than there is in the yarn that the Du e of Wellington said. When the Spanish Armada was sighted Howard wanted to stop the game at once. Now in that next rin . and the art of the game of bowls is to get as close to the jac as possible." "Haven't they?" "Oh. That's the story. will be wide of the mar . or they'll find themselves in the ditch. "The jac represents office. too. The Oracle frowned. Of course." "Just so. and then his face bro e into a smile. The degree of bias varies considerably. 'Up guards and at 'em!' at the Battle of Waterloo". we all now they have deadheads. "By the way. towards them. no. or they'll never reach the objective. "That's the jac ! See?" said the Oracle. "runs perfectly straight. which is the Joe Carruthers?"                         . must have a bias. The Oracle ignored this little pleasantry. "if you're going to tal a parcel of nonsense. or have you not read of." he said. The bias in a bowl or a politician causes a leaning to one side or the other. is what they call a dead head. Don't you remember." said the Oracle. encouragingly. "this game always reminds me of Parliament. all bowls have not the same degree of bias. They must twist and turn and curve and lean to one side or the other." said the Thin Man." said the Oracle. they vary as much as politicians do. "I thought it was Bill Adams who said that?" remar ed the Thin Man." "Oh. Some will go in any direction that suits them."Loo here. but they all have some bias." said the Thin Man." went on the Oracle. if only properly directed." said the Oracle. of course. but this is a very good head. "It is so.

the bowlers have struc the idea of performing remar able feats in the way of stri ing attitudes which no lady would dream of copying. The leader is the person who moves the vote of censure." "These attitudes are not really essential to the game. have not the least desire to copy them." went on the Oracle. "with a full rin . who are not able to get into anything li e such an attitude." said the Oracle." suggested the Thin Man. Of course." said the Thin Man. See the idea?" "Yes. of course. who play in the order named. being ladies. and generally relatives of the players. men of conservative ideas." said the Oracle. A bit of style. "Do you see that gentleman there?" responded the Oracle." said the Thin Man." "They don't allow ladies to ta e any part in bowls." said the Thin Man. as the ladies who visit the green are all very respectable. the measurer ta es the measure of the opposing side. "but I'll admit the attitude is not graceful." "But they don't let them play. with the nee pointing due west?" "I observe him. as it were!"                                     . while the other leg is doubled up. and bowlers are usually. They do not wish to have lady members. a leader. Many gouty gentlemen. and the captain is--well. "Excuse me. a measurer. "it is a regular rule of all bowling clubs. pointing due east. they. and. and. with one leg stretched along the green. Loo s as if he was in training to climb through a stovepipe for a wager." "Then why do some of them do it?" "Because. and a captain." said the Thin Man. In the game of bowls. four on either side. though they are. or personal friends. but on the Government side the captain." said the Thin Man. a scorer. "He's thinner than I am. inquiring into the consumption of whis y in the bar. I don't now who the captain is on the Opposition side." said the Oracle. "but I thought they only struc these attitudes by way of showing off. of course--" "Jim M'Gowen. "bowling is one of the few games that sweet woman has not yet invaded. is. there are eight players. included in the code that ladies are specially invited to visit the green while the matches are on. when they go to Mort's Doc picnic at Clifton Gardens. sometimes greatly entertained by the acrobatic performances of the gentlemen." "But do you notice his extraordinary attitude? Would you li e to see a lady in such an attitude as that?" "Well. "I am trying to explain to you the close resemblance between bowls and politics. that all depends upon circumstances. the ladies naturally suppose these attitudes are essential features of the game. and all that sort of thing. they could do if members. "I do wish you wouldn't ta e words out of my mouth li e that. the scorer is the member who rec ons up how many votes they are li ely to get. no doubt. "that tall player. being the person who does all the ordering about and all the directing. are excellent bowlers. in fact.easily noticed. which. just the same as with Mr O'Sullivan and Mr Law. almost always.

and it's the artful notion of the impossible attitude which ma es all ladies shudder at the idea of wanting to play bowls."Not at all. Bowling is about the only game there is left to men only. the time is not far distant when a visiting English team will have to play a match against the ladies. Billiards they are good at. stout gentleman with long hair. Of course. there is no pretence about me. ladies even play football." Just then a stout old bowler came up to the Oracle. and perhaps." And they entered a corner hostelry." said the Oracle." said the Oracle." replied the Thin Man. proceed to irrigate the interior before we go any further. Bowls alone they have never attempted to invade." said the Oracle."                 half as . Let us. "they only do it to eep the ladies from wanting to play the game. you needn't mention it--that his real name is James Smith. standing in front of which was a short. 27 February 1904 THE ORACLE ON MUSIC AND SINGING "Hello!" SAID the Oracle. I have heard--but. in tennis they lead. as he met the Thin Man on George Street." "Just so. "If you must wipe your mouth after imbibing. Why. Some of them do that for   "Don't get your hair off. he had to adopt another. a Kaiser Wilhelm moustache. Quite a treat to get a dry afternoon in this drought-stric en country. It does not loo well as you are stepping out into the street." said the Oracle. the Thin Man wiping his mouth. "fancy me eating you! as the cat said to the mouse. "you wouldn't loo pretty with a bald head. "that is your way of putting it. "but I hear it is very dry in the interior. a pair of pince-nez. Another." said the Oracle. isn't it?" "We've certainly had a lot of rain here. therefore. of course." "Sir!" exclaimed the indignant Thin Man. and would they be his guests. The twain had wal ed along until they came abreast of a large music warehouse. would be to say that you are lost to all sense of shame. in a boastful tone. and shoo hands. He must also let his hair grow long. "so it is." replied the Thin Man. The Evening News. and a broad-brimmed sombrero jauntily poised on one side of his head. no man could possibly hope to succeed as a music teacher if he bore the name of James Smith. and try a "damper" in the refreshment room? There is no need to record the reply. "you should do so before leaving the hotel. whence they presently emerged. "there is my friend. in some places. As for cric et." "Oh. "Ah!" said the Oracle. a more correct way. Herr Walzer Wiegenlied. "I am no humbug. remar ing that it was a dry afternoon." "So it is.

mein Herr! Gut morgen!" said the Oracle to Professor Wiegenlied. "Morgan was a bushranger. "Certainly. nor as poor as Job. So our friend has long hair and calls himself Herr Walzer Wiegenlied--Walzer. "On the contrary. at the same time." said the Thin Man. and he'll wonder what we've stuc here so long for." "Ah.appearance sa e. "my class is over for this morning. but fortunately I had a pupil ta en away by an indignant parent this morning. perhaps. he feels compelled to follow the fashion of the musical world. and she could do neither. gentlemen. "savage breast. I had to teach the young lady to sing and to play also. jabbering away. and the Professor and the Thin Man were duly introduced. and never will. in fact. "did not use to get himself up li e Buffalo Bill or a Spanish brigand. He has often told me that the broad hat and long hair idea is absurd." "Do you call that fortunate?" was the Oracle's dubious query. Sir Arthur wore a moustache of modest size." "Oh. and others. I am very glad she is gone." corrected the Oracle."                                         ."   "I am always pleased to meet a musician. But Sullivan was immensely successful with his beautiful melodies. of course. She has no ear at all. mutton-chop whis ers. always willing to do the amiable with a couple of friends when he has ninepence." "The others did not hear this sotto voce criticism." "Sir Arthur Sullivan. and could." said the Oracle. "I always thought it was savage beast. did he?" "Well no. and wearing a hard felt hat. It would ma e your blood run cold to listen to her. because they lac the necessary sixpence demanded by the relentless tonsorial artist. "'Music'. "this cove loo s more li e a circus cowboy. Will you join me? I am neither as rich as Roc efeller. Come along and I'll introduce you. as Sha espeare says. Jim is. But her parents thought she could be taught. as it were. It is not a matter of personal taste. and called himself Jim Smith. and I was about to drin success to a new venture I have in hand." said the Professor. It is impossible. not savage beast. He also dressed li e an ordinary person. afford to despise the idea that eccentricity is genius! But Walzer Wiegenlied is a very good fellow. The public would never believe a man was a first-class violinist if he had his hair cropped short. as he shoo hands with Professor Wiegenlied. is waltz. and she never will." said the Thin Man. and short-cropped hair. but. I thought that explained why people generally put a brass band round a bulldog's nec !" "Well. lest it should be thought that by getting his hair cut short. But he nows me well. and Wiegenlied means a lullaby--'Mummer's Little Alabama Coon'." said the Professor. 'hath charms to soothe the savage beast'. "very fortunate. "Breast. it is a question of professional necessity. she doesn't now a bar of music from a bar of soap." said the Thin Man. and loo ed more li e a stoc bro er or an attorney than a musician. indeed. therefore." muttered the Thin Man to himself. he was trying to show off. Good fellow.

and adopted a German name. to a musician. It is on my advice that our friend proposes to recommend that no fewer than six of his pupils shall be sent to Paris to finish their musical training under Madame Whatsthis. "I understand a good deal about it and more particularly of the business part of the profession. and Professor Wiegenlied "did the amiable"." said the Oracle to the Thin Man." "I thought." "No tune!" exclaimed the Oracle. "as I have to eep in practice. the Wagnerian style is li e rolling off a log. and suits my professional name best. of whom I am one. Let us come in here and have a chat until lunch time. "that Wagner's music was very difficult. "I don't mean that Wagner never composed a melody. and brea off here and there into a minor ey that sounds li e a dog moaning with the stomach ache. when they grow indignant because you haven't made another Melba of their own little Mary Ann. but I get my pay." said the Professor." said the Professor. But. "Ma Casey!" repeated the Thin Man." said the Professor. but. "There are some parents who while their children are doing well never thin of paying. "and that is why so many people pretend to appreciate it. "and we could hardly eep up a conversation on that. "And you?" as ed the Professor of the Thin Man. The three sat around a marble table. but let the fees run on. pushing open the side door."But you lose a pupil. "I lose a pupil." "It is very difficult to understand." interpolated the Professor. "Is she Irish?" "Of course not! She's French. of course. I adopted the Wagnerian because it is the easiest." said the Oracle. for though you must write a lot of chords. have abandoned the idea of having any tune in the music." said the Professor. "I now only this. that is why I too up Wagner. but much of his music is so smothered in strange chords that the melody hasn't a possible chance to get into the ear of the auditor. it is crowded out for want of space and Wagner's disciples.                                 . Ma es composition so much easier. and entering the saloon bar. "because that would be absurd. if only to preserve their own dignity." said the Thin Man: Gott erhalte unzern Kaiser! Unzern gooten Kaiser Bill! "I'm afraid we'd better stic to the vernacular tongue of Balmain." said the Professor. Don't you now German at all?" "Only wurst and sauer raut and pretzel and lager bier. you need no tune. "Although I am not a professional musician." "Marchesi." said the Professor." said the Oracle. and resolve to ta e the pupil away. "I am sorry you don't spea German. they must pay up." he added. Bloomsbury and the Bowery. My own compositions are of the Wagnerian order." said the Oracle.

and nothing at all if he stays for a quarter of an hour. but when they are really good we insist upon them going away to the other end of the world."Name sounds Irish. his only possible chance of appreciation in his native village is to wear a sombrero li e our friend here. The Evening News. and call himself Monsieur Le Brun. "Six entertainments. we offer inducements to the best musicians to leave. we provide them with the means to go away and stay away." "Fillemupagen. nothing ever was as good as it used to be!"           . "Scenery is not as good as it used to be. and if a violinist happens to be born in Sydney and hampered with the unclassical name of Brown. or the Bloodstained Putty Knife). "Is that German?" as ed the Thin Man. When a German band is playing outside a house in the West End of London. "that's Volapu . With a foreign name and a foreign appearance. if they are bad we refuse to part with them at any price. the footman or the page boy is sent out to inform the bandmaster that he will get a half-crown to go away at once. "Actors are not as good as they used to be. "No" said the Professor." said the Oracle." "No. They pay bad musicians to go away." "Certainly not. "they may tal of singers as they please." said Professor Wiegenlied to the lady behind the bar. Other teachers of music have been content to discover one genius at a time. If the singers are only middling. as Touchstone says. and staying there as long as possible." said the Thin Man. in fact. "will be given in the Town Hall. waiting for the curtain to rise for the due performance of that popular melodrama The Glazier's Revenge. an Australian musician has a chance in his own country." murmured the Thin Man. let his hair grow long. the universal language!" "Ah. "plays are not as good as they used to be." said the Oracle to the Thin Man (as they sat in the third row of the gallery. The rule in England is just the opposite. a shilling if he gets through in ten minutes." went on the Oracle. with his hair cut short and a hard-hitter hat he has no more chance of being fairly appreciated than the late lamented Mr Buc ley." said the Thin Man. 5 March 1904 THE ORACLE AT THE THEATRE "Plays. We do the same with musicians as with singers. "Nothing is as good as it used to be." said the Thin Man. or so-so. it is on my advice that our friend has determined to discover half a dozen. and subscription lists will be opened. but I'd sooner have a fiver than a tenor!" Then they arose and departed their several ways. we are loth to part with them. The Sydney people are always willing to send some really good singers abroad." "You're right again.

Eric Trehowmuch. am masquerading as a journeyman painter and glazier of Frith Street. "I'll soon ma e her ta e that hat off. If her nec had been long enough to carry her hat a couple of yards nearer to the ceiling. and sat bolt upright. "Are you trying to be sarcastic?" as ed the Oracle. The Oracle removed his hat." said the Oracle. Enter fair-haired young man with long legs. that I am the Honourable Eric Trehowmuch. She naturally thought the crowd behind were singing out at her. only daughter of the Du e of Wollongong." "What's the matter with my complexion?" "It's your nose." The first scene of Act One showed the interior of a poorly furnished room in Soho. "'Tis true 'tis putty. it would not have been in the way." repeated the Thin Man. "Why do you as such foolish                                         . and putty 'tis. "We won't be able to see anything for that hat. Soho? Yet even now must I. Now we shall be able to see something of the show. but then.) "Is he the villain or the hero?" whispered the Thin Man. the two friends observed immediately in front of them a lady wearing a hat the size and shape of a wash bas et. "If you are. because sarcasm is unsuitable coming from persons of your complexion. "It is such a very red nose that you should not draw attention to it by trying to be sarcastic at other people's expense. 'tis true!" (Slow music. nown here as Jim the Glazier. "You eep calm for a second and watch me."What?" said the Oracle." grumbled the Thin Man. the possible heir of 20 earls." As the orchestra finished the overture. say. "The hero. prepare the putty for the day's wor ! As the immortal bard says. of course. I advise you to abandon the idea. and that only one life prevents me becoming Viscount Purplebea and heir to the earldom? Ha! And what would the lovely Lady Ermyntrude Plantagenet." said the Oracle. she was a short lady with scarcely any nec . Persons whose noses shine li e the starboard light of an Orient steamer entering Port Jac son at midnight when there is no moon cannot afford to be disagreeably jocular in respect to the peculiar personal attributes of others. "it is an old London dodge. of course. and comes bac chewing cloves and coffee beans). who begins thus: "What would my landlady say if she but new that I." and he immediately put on his own hat. am really nephew to the Earl of Cucumberland." said the Oracle. Unfortunately. did she but now that I. "Ta e that hat off! Ta e yer rat off! Give us a chance ter see a bit o' the stage!" and similar cries came from the people behind. so did the lady! "I new that would fetch her." said the Oracle to his friend. "Nothing ever was as good as it used to be. and the drop scene rose (it is called the "drop scene" because every time it is let down between the acts the male portion of the audience goes out to have a "drop". she wouldn't have worn it.

but it only hisses the villain as a rule. It doesn't applaud what it doesn't li e. That's why they draft all the pressmen and deadheads into it." said the Oracle." said the Thin Man. People come to the gallery to listen to the play." "Not at all. it must have virtue triumphant.                               questions? fair. wavy Can't you see his hair is fair and wavy? Heroes always have hair. It isn't that the gallery has more brains than the dress circle. and blac moustache." "But. but they are mixed up   "Oh. In melodrama the villain always has very dar hair. 'If the gallery li es it. Their opinion settles the fate of any play." said the Thin Man. "Why don't you read the cables about the war?" "Well."Ain't there any heroes in Japan?" as ed the Thin Man. The gallery crowd doesn't pay much individually. who come on business and would far sooner be somewhere else playing billiards. that's why the manager ta es so much notice of the gallery's opinion. it feels under no obligation to clap its hands when a play is absurd. It is the opinion of the gallery that has made many problem plays a dead loss. and they all pay." said the Oracle. but it always ends with a cheer when he is called before the curtain. wavy hair and blue eyes. Of course there are people in other parts of the house who belong to the same class as the fol s in the gallery. that. but there is a lot of them. and vice and crime duly punished. close your 'tater traps down there!" called a gentleman. If they want to chatter and jabber all the time. and the other people who get in on the nod. and can afford a bit better seat. it sometimes hisses the villain because he is a good actor. the hero has blue eyes and hair." murmured the Thin Man. but its opinion is honest. eyebrows. the dramatic critics of the papers." whispered the Oracle. they're all bundled into the dress circle in Sydney theatres. except when there's something very special on. the gallery is nearly always right.' said Mr Tree. "but it's always half-empty. "This isn't the dress circle." replied the Oracle. "I never saw a Japanese with fair. Mr Beerbohm Tree offered to stage it at a matinee as a trial. despite the efforts of able managers and famous artists. "Of course there are. It is when the gallery hisses the play that actors of mediocre ability lose their tempers. of this township. with the charming politeness for which occupants of the gallery are universally remar able. but whether they do or do not." "We're not tal ing about Japan. in a bac seat. which is a compliment to the actor in the part." "Of course it is. I'll ta e it. The gallery did li e it and Mr Chambers jumped from being a Sydney newspaper reporter to be a front-ran London playwright. "we're tal ing about melodrama. "Must be a cran y-tempered chap. same as they do in the drawing-room. "the price of a seat is much more there." "The deadheads?" "Yes. and even if it isn't right its opinion is the honest public opinion of any show. Sometimes an actor will lose his temper when the gallery hisses. from a problem play to a s ipping rope dance. wavy heavy blac fair. And it won't stand any inversion of moral principles. irritably. only they are a bit better off. after worrying some reluctant vocalist to sing. When Mr Haddon Chambers. Everybody pays in the gallery. they go into the dress circle with the deadheads."   . went to London with a play called Captain Swift.

who stole the putty nife to commit the murders. that the double murder was really committed by a Russian Nihilist. "I don't see why that Russian cove wanted to ill 'em. dressed in male attire. she haunts the neighbourhood of Frith Street. marries the Lady Ermyntrude amid general rejoicing. sentenced to death. as the drop scene went up again. and is stabbed with the putty nife! Of course. found guilty. named Blowmenozoff. and released under the First Offenders Act." said the Thin Man. The Czar loo s to see how it is being done. if Mr Bland Holt or some other up-to-date manager had been in charge--their bodies were found stabbed. and beside the bodies was found a putty nife. "We seem to have a descendant of the celebrated Earl of Chesterfield in the gallery this evening. the Nihilist would have to practise on somebody else before he tac led the Czar. "but there's no need. halfway up the hill called Alfred Street. and solemnly declared his innocence. to raise a considerable family. a Nihilist in disguise. The object of stopping halfway up the hill instead of                             ." said the Oracle. the two lives that stood between the glazier and the earldom of Cucumberland were s ilfully removed. in order to throw suspicion on the hero." "Did it for practice. In the last act the glazier is ac nowledged as the rightful Earl of Cucumberland. and the glazier. and they decide. invented by Pudd'n'head Wilson.with others. "Practice?" queried the Thin Man. Soho. "Certainly. "I don't see. "Certainly. This momentous discovery was greeted with loud applause." said the Thin Man. except Lady Ermyntrude. "They're always trying to find a way to ill the Czar.m. and--" "Shut up!" called the man behind." said the Oracle. Soho! In Act Three the hero was tried. as they might have been." said the Oracle. as he and the Oracle wended their way out to the nearest bar. "Shall we go bac ?" "If you li e. in view of the dreadful disclosures about the declining birth rate. In Act Four. and live happy ever afterwards!" The Evening News. comes to put in a new pane. tram from Ridge Street to Milson's Point on Monday night stopped where all North Shore trams stop. They were not blown up and exploded in a motor car. Lady Ermyntrude ta es the role of a female edition of Sherloc Holmes and. for fear he made a mess of it. A window gets bro en in the Winter Palace. and this is a new idea. by the fingerprint system of identification." "I see." In the second act. bearing on the handle the name and address of a glazier in Frith Street. which nobody believed." said the Oracle. in accordance with the ancient traditions of melodramatic art. and discovers. 12 March 1904 THE ORACLE ON POLITICS The 10 p. to see what time it was.

a floc of sheep. though there weren't 50 men at the meeting--nearly all women. and ta es more notice of the other women's dresses than she does of what the party on the platform is saying. and so on. "so did I. There is a railway station across the harbour in North Sydney. the ladies on the platform new as much about politics and public meetings as men do. "though I must confess that the compliment can hardly be called fulsomely adulatory. a crowd of people. same as New South Wales does. What are you doing on the North Shore at this time of the night?" "I came over to hear George Reid." said the Thin Man. "'Here you are again'. and more than most men." said the Oracle. a herd of swine. a swarm of bees. But I didn't see you. "that's why the audience were nearly all ladies. either.going right down to the ferry boat is to give the passengers. but quite a bevy of ladies. but the average woman merely goes to these hen conventions out of curiosity. I'm blest!" exclaimed the Oracle. when the tram stopped halfway up Alfred Street as usual. the object being. ran down the hill for about a quarter of a mile to catch the boat. It is a recognised rule of vehicular engineering in this enlightened country that the terminal point of any railway or tram line shall be as inconvenient as possible. There were no men on the platform. "I don't now." "Quite a what?" as ed the Oracle. "Well. a chance to ta e some healthy exercise in running to catch the boat. and whom should he meet on the boat but the Oracle. and there is one in the suburb of Redfern. and." "That all depends upon how you behave yourself." "It was really a women's meeting under the auspices of the North Sydney Women's Liberal League. as the clown says in the pantomime! I suppose when I pass out of this vale of tears I shall meet you on the Golden Shore. Tramway terminal points are made similarly inconvenient. "What's a bevy?" as ed the Oracle.                           . only George. but not much. On Monday night. of course." said the Thin Man. "I have nown wic eder men than you are and more immoral men. but those are the nearest points by which the visitor may reach Sydney by train. especially the fat passengers of asthmatic tendencies." "Than you. Of course." said the Thin Man." said the Thin Man. "Quite a bevy. the passengers hurried out. a bevy of ladies." said the Oracle. to give the passengers plenty of exercise. "but you often see the term in the papers. But the meeting wasn't up to much. "That's queer. They tal of a mob of cattle. I am inclined to thin this is one of the causes of the declining birth rate. The city of Sydney is the only town of any considerable size on the earth's surface which hasn't got a railway station in it. Among the passengers who scampered down the mountainside and on to the boat was our friend the Thin Man. It is no wonder people object to being born in a country which always leaves the railway outside the town. a pac of wolves. softly muttering fervent blessings on the New South Wales railway and tramway system." said the Thin Man. But.

" said the Oracle. still." said the Thin Man. and both Reid and Chamberlain are opportunists. If they were both shipwrec ed on a cannibal island the natives would ma e Joe their King and coo George for the coronation banquet. "I mean that all politicians are opportunists. They can't go the whole hog." "I did not refer to any physical resemblance." said the Thin Man." said the Oracle. that's why they can't clap their hands without ta ing their gloves off. "I must say that I agree with General Blowmenozoff in regard to the unseemly behaviour of the Japanese   "Yes. If you refuse to believe that the single tax will cure the measles they say you're an ass. If there was a tax on tal --"                                       . there seemed to be a natural affinity between them. and the other is long and lean." "You'd have more taxes than you do now. and found his friend already there reading the cable news about the war. Goodbye!" The Evening News. it is dull wor . "that's what they do. "although they are the only two well." said the Oracle. "Here's the wharf. "All the single taxers I ever met with were liable to go off li e an alarm cloc about single tax on the least provocation and to eep on whirring for an hour." "I don't believe in single tax. That's why the single taxers carry no weight." said the Oracle to the Thin Man. if not in the world. but they won't--no woman ever did.nown statesmen in the British Empire. There never was a woman who bought a pair of gloves big enough to fit her. and then they wouldn't be able to get their gloves on again.of course. "and must be so. who loo out upon their fellow-creatures through a pane of glass in the right eye. and he hopes to secure their support by delivering addresses to them. any man who wants the whole hog in politics will find himself very short of bacon." "I'm surprised at Mr Reid being so strongly opposed to Mr Chamberlain. One is short and rotund. It would be all right if they would buy gloves big enough to fit them. George Reid recognises that women have votes. They get together and tal at each other. "Well." "So much ali e!" cried the Thin Man. "they are so much ali e." said the Oracle. and if they did that their hands would get hot with the clapping." answered the Oracle. He tal ed to me till I thought my ear would fall off. Even when they understand what he's driving at they cannot applaud by clapping their hands for fear they might burst their gloves. as the latter stepped into the tram on Tuesday morning. there are no two men more unli e." "Do you mean that Australia's only George is a mere opportunist?" as ed the Thin Man. I once had a single taxer follow me five miles just for the sa e of having someone to tal to. "Why?" as ed the Thin Man. "Why. 19 March 1904 THE ORACLE ON WAR AND DEBT "I MUST say.

" went on the Oracle." "Ah!" said the Oracle." said the Oracle.'" "Or Admiral Bos ertoffs i. With a view to turning an honest penny. Then he should have sent to the Russian commander a note.in starting the war before the Russians were ready. Politeness in warfare should be closely observed." said the Oracle. I don't see much sense in it." "You may be right." "You mean Iro off." said the Thin Man. "Well.m. or Grabo off. for doing so. "But this war may ruin Japan." said the Thin Man. he is alleged to have sold Russian army plans to Japan. and." said the Thin Man. or Snavelo off. "But the Russians are occasionally lac ing in courtesy also." "Not at all." said the Oracle. even if she wins." muttered the Thin Man. There is a great advantage in politeness. anyhow. a captain in the French Army who was ordered by his colonel during an action to ta e a body of men to the left." said the Oracle. "that is because you do not really understand. or something li e that." "That's the beauty of it. If the captain hadn't bowed he would have lost his head. "All war should be conducted in a polite manner. I thin . It was. "is not so very obvious. commencing at 6 a." "Well. saying: 'The Marquis de Matsu Nagasa i will have much pleasure in bombarding the forts of Port Arthur on Monday next. "Katcho off. has been executed. "but my paper says the remar s you refer to were made by Admiral Dimitri Bos ertoffs i. "The difference between hiring a cough and borrowing a cough. The Japanese commander should have waited until the Russian troops and warships were ready. war is a terrible thing. It will compel her to increase her national dept enormously. "The beauty of it?" echoed the Thin Man." "What was his name?" as ed the Thin Man. and as he bowed a cannon ball passed over his shoulders and too off the head of the man behind him. "In my paper the expression of opinion was attributed to Admiral Bos ertoffs i. but whichever it was." "Not a bit of it. in any case. "A Russian captain has been very cruelly treated. But it doesn't matter which paper is right. Admirable as the Japanese may be in some respects. they seem to be lac ing in politeness." "Oh! Is that what Blowmenozoff says?" said the Thin Man." said the Oracle. "Do you mean to say it is a           "I don't thin that was it. The captain bowed his acquiescence. It is nonsense anyhow. if not inconvenient to His Excellency General Blowmenozoff." said the Oracle. I entirely endorse the views of General Blowmenozoff.                                   .. "if it wasn't Katcho off it was Borrowo off.

" "Would you. our national debt saves us from invasion. Our bondholders are our best friends. The man who is deeply in debt is the man who has friends anxious for his welfare. Do they want to see Sydney bombarded by a foreign fleet? Certainly not. and the most sincere friend the tenant will have will be the landlord. The British national debt saves the country from revolution. "I never met such a dull. But let the rent fall in arrears. my boy. There in Britain you have a people to whom the Government owe eight hundred million pounds! Everybody in the country is not a creditor. but they none of them carry the objections so far as to refuse to accept their wages out of borrowed money." said the Oracle. and let the tenant explain that he is out of employment." "Well. except as a mere matter of national sentiment. they will do all sorts of things for him that they would not do if he were not in their debt. that is why we always borrow the money to pay the wages of our members of Parliament. they don't care how much money is fooled away in building statues of 'Australia ma ing Faces at the Pawnshop'. Don't you now that the deeper in debt you are." said the Oracle. you will be less li ely to receive offensive answers. Do they want to see foreign soldiers brea into the New South Wales Treasury and steal Mr Waddell's deficit? No fear! The fact is. if he is out of employment they will spare no effort to get him a decent billet. that revolution is impossible. beef-witted person in my life. sir. Did you ever hear of a landlord putting himself about to find a billet for a tenant who always paid his rent regularly? No chance. at all events. who will do his utmost to get him something to do. And being in debt renders the country safe from invasion. the more friends you have? A large national debt is the best security a nation can have. About the only sensible thing our State Government ever did was to firmly resolve to live on borrowed money. if his wife allows him to be a parent. While the people are not taxed. we would have nobody directly interested in our welfare. "Suppose we had never borrowed any money from Britain or anybody else. they have not all money in the Funds--they call 'em the Funds because there are no Funds--but such an immense number of people have. the better friends they are li ely to be. perhaps. No one else. What is the bulwar of Britain? The British National Debt! Yes."                       . except his wife. and his children. "You will be when you get a bit more sense. and do all sorts of other things that we couldn't possibly do if we were not over head and ears in debt. Who is interested in the success of a business if the person conducting the business is not in debt? Nobody but the man who has the business. that you don't understand the true inwardness of national finance.good thing to be deeply in debt?" "Of course it is. they'll pay his life insurance premium for him. what would our position be? We should be without a friend in the world! Or. Some of them say they object to our borrowing." said the Oracle. we can refuse to contribute to the cost of the navy that defends us from foreign invasion and we can imprison English hatma ers as alien immigrants. But now that we have borrowed until we can borrow no more. I'm blest!" ejaculated the Thin Man. They'll eep the claws of the bailiff off his furniture. "We were spea ing of war and debt. if you were a member of Parliament?" as ed the Thin Man. "If you refrain from as ing senseless questions. and the more heavily mortgaged we are. And what is true of a national debt is true of a private debt. The British people will never revolute worth a cent while the Government owes them all that money.

" said the Thin Man. you ought to be ashamed to admit it." said the Thin Man. and would li e to see a lot of judges. completely ruined. and bad debt collectors compelled to join the unemployed! Here we are at our corner. Here we have the City Council threatening to sue the Harbour Trust and the Commonwealth Government for rates alleged to be due." said the Oracle. I'll punch your nose. lawyers. but that ma es no difference. The country would be ruined if everybody got out of debt. "but I don't li e your offensively personal application of it. but now I understand why he was so anxious for you to be offered a billet. "Why." said the Thin Man. half the judges and lawyers in the country would have nothing to do. "I'm not. you are!" "If you say that again. who was           "No?" said the Thin Man. The Evening News. "You are. 26 March 1904 THE ORACLE ON THE CAPITAL SITE "My granddaughter. Then the High Court has reversed the judgment of the Full Court in the case of the Borough of Glebe versus the Gas Company." said the Oracle. "Explains what?" demanded the Oracle. bailiffs." "No I'm not. I heard your landlord begging a friend of his to offer you a job in his office. with wives and families to eep. and the pair left the tram. "I don't loo annoyed." said the Oracle. "Then. And loo at the debt collecting agencies and the bailiffs." "I don't owe my landlord a shilling." "I'm not in debt. warmly. when he met the Thin Man on Monday morning on the Bloc in George Street. "my granddaughter. but you would li e to see no debt at all. "You are annoyed." The Thin Man assented. "My philosophy is all right. If it were not for debt. well. and allowed the borough's claim for rates. I thought you'd be pleased for everybody to now you're in debt." said the Oracle. according to your philosophy. Let's get out and lubricate. because I thought you didn't get on well together. Possibly the Gas Company will appeal to the Privy Council. Any ind of debt is good for business." said the Oracle. "Then why do you loo so annoyed?"               ."That explains it." said the Oracle. just to prove that I'm in the best of tempers!" "Oh." "Yes. I don't now whether these are legitimate debts or not. I was surprised.

The Constitution doesn't bar Albury or Bro en Hill. so long as it isn't within a hundred miles of where it ought to be. if I may be allowed a somewhat flippant expression." said the Thin Man. for I feel a desire. There are quite 495 places that have a chance of being selected. Inside the proscribed area more than half the people live." said the Oracle. lived to be 969 years old. There are dozens and scores of other possible sites--any site is possible. because only half a dozen possible sites are mentioned. hopefully. we'll have the capital long before that!" said the Thin Man. they have official inspections and picnics for another half dozen. was ind enough to present me with a great-grandson yesterday. nor for the eyes of our children or grand-children. in the hope that he may live as long as his historic namesa e.married about a year ago. "Yes. unless Australia is annexed by the Japanese in the meantime. if any agreement should be come to about them. and if he were possessed of any considerable property his heirs and assigns must have grown extremely tired waiting for the old gentleman to 'throw the seven'. Should the little Methuselah who appeared for the first time yesterday live for ten centuries or thereabouts it is possible that he may see the terms of the compact carried out."               . I wish my great-grandson to be called Methuselah. "You thin so. in fact. as provided in the Constitution Act. I am not one of those who believe in underestimating the astuteness of a rival. of course. little more than forty years my junior. "Nonsense?" repeated the Oracle. "You mustn't suppose that. any place that is a trifle patriarchal. I his debut yesterday shall be "After yourself?" "Certainly not. Old I may be." "Nonsense. and then. but the effort of Methuselah to last for ten centuries--in which he very nearly succeeded--could not be considered a fair thing by those naturally entitled to the reversion of the old gentleman's real and personal estate. there are no others. but I don't. Bour e or Tenterfield. She have suggested that the little boy who made named Methuselah. it ma es a person feel "but the young mother is but is my daughter's daughter. 400 or 500 years was not regarded as unseemly delay in giving somebody else a chance. But they don't want to trot them all out at once--half a dozen rival sites at a time is quite enough to prevent anything definite being done. but not so old as all that. my friend--a strange yearning. New South Wales would be practically unanimous as to where the capital should be. "and so do other people. outside the proscribed area there are 495 districts. all struggling against each other to be selected. Among patriarchs in days of old. The boycotting of Sydney as a capital was a stro e of genius--positive genius! If Sydney could be selected." admitted the Oracle. Such a sight is not for our eyes." "Oh." "Good gracious!" said the Thin Man. as it were--to gaze upon the face of some human creature who may live to see the Federal capital established in New South Wales. my friend. but I have a lingering hope--something tells me--that should my little great-grandson live for ten centuries he will see the Federal Capital established. although not a Government pensioner. The politicians of Victoria are more astute than ours. The original Methuselah.

"Oh. "but if they ever do select a site in N. the matter might be settled in a couple of centuries." said the Thin Man. and if the picnic inspection is to be renewed for the guidance of new members after every general election. would it?" said the Oracle. Mr Chapman hasn't made up his mind yet as to which part of his electorate he would prefer to see selected as the capital. neither has Sir William Lyne. members of the Federal Cabinet! But supposing all these rivalries were got over and the Government determined on one site." said the Oracle. "Well. everlasting delay. and Mr Watson were given a portfolio to induce the Labour Party to support. Tal and tuc er is one main factor of delay. and so are all the other members in regard to their electorates. and the Opposition. the Law Courts." said the Thin Man." "No?" "No. what then?" "Surely that would settle the question?" as ed the Thin Man. If the representatives of N. Mr Chapman wants the capital in his electorate. "Suppose the Federal Parliament determined to select a site at once. there will be no further excuse for picnics. but eternal. "That's one reason. "will all these palatial buildings spring up li e mushrooms when Alfred Dea in waves a magician's wand over the                           ." said the Oracle." "Buc ley's chance. and did so?" "That would settle the matter.W. Because there are some new members in the Federal Parliament." said the Oracle. or even earlier. What are all these fresh picnic excursions for?" "I suppose they li e picnics. they all have to be ta en on picnic excursions to the possible sites." said the Oracle. or nearly all of them. not merely temporary delay. and Sir William Lyne is the same. would wor together to see the bargain adhered to.S.S." said the Oracle. But that's not the only factor. It is almost impossible for them to agree upon a site.W. "Just so. that alone will be quite sufficient to delay the matter for ever. but everything is in favour of delay. There are always new members in every new Parliament." "Certainly." said the Oracle. for the sa e of political honesty.S. the Government departments. indeed. Was there ever a Parliament dissolved of which all the members were re-elected? Never in the history of the British Empire. "not by a jugful! I suppose you now that if the capital ever is in New South Wales there will have to be public buildings for Parliament.not within 100 miles of Sydney may have a chance. And they are the N. "In the first place.W." said the Thin Man. feeding and orating!" "Is that why they call it Feed-oration?" as ed the Thin Man. and so on. "The picnic obstacle is being wor ed for all it is worth. it wouldn't. offered to support the selection of any site at all. "No. "but legally they all have a chance." said the Thin Man. "Of course they do.

Or else they have been crushed and jammed into a railway truc . The foundation stone is still there. "Well how are these palaces to be built when the State of N. and at daylight the stable hands are off to meet horses arriving by trains and steamers--terrified. flying monster of a passenger train rushed past with a dizzying. and if they haven't settled Australia altogether it isn't for want of trying! Yes. rushed hurriedly in from their grass paddoc s and hustled on board of coasting craft." said the Thin Man. and then he may see the Federal capital in New South Wales." protested the Thin Man. fresh straw put down. among Mr Chapman's constituents. with the long swell of the ocean swaying before their astonished eyes.selected area? Is Alfred Dea in the modern embodiment of Aladdin of the Wonderful Lamp?" "Of course he isn't. do you thin Alfred Dea in would hire a tent from Fitzgerald Brothers' Circus to be the meeting place of the Federal Legislature? Would he as the Governor-General and suite to camp in a stringybar hut? Would you li e to see Sir Samuel Griffith and his brother judges of the High Court sitting on gin cases in the bush to hear an appeal case. unless somebody has run away with it. In the Centennial year--sixteen years ago--Lord Carrington laid the foundation stone of new Parliament Houses for New South Wales in the Domain. 9 April 1904 HUMOURS OF A HORSE BAZAAR The business of the bazaar begins at daylight. if not more. No wonder that by the time they arrive in Sydney the country horses have become dazed. my child! Not there!" "Don't call me a child. or at Cow Flat. can't borrow enough money to pay the interest on what it owes already?" "We wouldn't have to pay all the cost. "The other States would very properly ta e all sorts of care that we paid our full share of it. I hope that great-grandson of mine may live to be as old as the original Methuselah. bewildered horses. "Settle the capital question? They are capable of settling anything. "Do you thin .W." asserted the Thin Man. The Evening News. "the politicians ought to settle the capital question. old-fashioned steam winch ma ing a terrifying din just alongside them. and frightened half out of their lives each time that a screaming.S. but where are the new Parliament Houses? Not there. nerve-destroying roar and rattle. Let's go in here and drin his health." "Settle it?" repeated the Oracle. Overnight the stalls have been cleaned up. if a site were selected. and neat tan rides laid on the ashphalt. bumped off their feet each time that the engine shunted." And they did. in Sir William Lyne's electorate. "You are but an infant to me. and a chattering. from the New South Wales Supreme Court?" "But." said the Thin Man. and the                         ." said the Oracle. say at Dead Horse Gully.

They are mostly bro en-down men that have been in racing stables or have been horse dealers or coachmen. and ta e up their positions in the stalls. who. Some they dismiss with half a glance. the human flotsam and jetsam that attend each day at the sales. and then they are put into the stalls ready for the day's sale. though it sometimes has quite another effect. and was tal ing hard. Then they are hosed and cleaned. All sorts and conditions of horses and vehicles find their way to the bazaar. with two road-worn. have become too flash for their owners. "He'd ma e a nice buggy pony. and wal round the stalls scrutinising each horse." said the poor casual humbly. who are passed from hand to hand. a process that would startle the life out of them. gigantic draughts and small boys' ponies." said the buyer. "Buggy pony. wiry. "Why can't you eep your mouth shut?" he said. and he turned on the "casual" in style. and a sturdy old slave attached to it. and criticising the wisdom or folly of each purchase. This is nown as "bearing up" for the owner of the horse. too. while others are carefully inspected.                                                   . but day in and day out they are there scrutinising the horses. with the flash trotting pony in the shafts. their mouths opened. "swell" horses. all come threading their way in." "That's just it. and seeing that a "deal" was going on." A casual passer-by happened to hear this last sentence. and the splotches of the Darling River mud still on the wheels and under-gear. sold by hard-up men. they never even bid for anything. and as they arrive the regular attendants at the sales--the dealers and exporters. A dealer was trying to sell to a novice a pony for saddle wor . and are sent in to be sold for what they will fetch. and buyers with commissions to execute--drop in. who have given up any hope of ma ing a living at their wor . race ponies that cannot race fast enough to win. each horse being tied to his mate's nec . long-distance horses in the pole. and before long the string are clattering up to the bazaar. I was only bearin' up for you. the four-wheeled buggy. trying to convince him that the pony was all that could be desired. They never buy anything. and said. watching the sales. But the men now that to be afraid is the surest way to ma e the horses afraid. and their feet pic ed up. too. or else that have got themselves so much up in the weights that they are no longer valuable. their legs felt. "I want a saddle pony. As each possible buyer examines a horse there gathers round a little group of the bazaar hangers-on. only that they have been through so much already. "why. pushing them about in a style that ma es the uninitiated wonder how it is that some of those men don't get their brains ic ed out every wee . each horseman riding one horse and leading two or three others. as the following anecdote will show. carthorses. begin to arrive--the sul y of the bro en-down sport. Bill. so they push them about li e so many old cows. but if they see a novice examining a horse they always ma e out that the animal is first-class and should be secured at all ris s. the traveller's waggon." The dealer was naturally a bit put out. perhaps through overfeeding. their eyes loo ed at. but the buyer thought that the pony was too heavy.stable hands go in among them in the yards or on the steamers. with lamps and hood. From long practice they can tell to within half a sovereign what each animal should fetch. and is done in hopes that the owner may come along and reward them with a beer. and the deal was declared off. After brea fast the town horses begin to arrive--the dealers' horses. o' course he's a champion buggy pony! What else is he but a buggy pony? He ain't one of those all-sorts-no-sort 'orses! He's a buggy pony and nothin' else. The vehicles. "What business have you comin' puttin' your oar in?" "Well. he dashed into the fray with enthusiasm." he said.

perhaps an incipient curb on the hoc . and dealer and loafer. and are dealt in almost exclusively by a few dealers who now where they can place their purchases at a profit--possibly with rabbit-oh vendors. the trials promised must be performed. and after hammering on the sides of it for a time to attract attention. and from the moment that the animal appears. will remember that the final exploit of the great Sherloc . Such a one only wants feeding and fair wor ing to become once more a valuable horse. to criticise. as a sale ring Solon put it: "You've only to nod your head. The Evening News. overwor and ill-treatment. he starts the sale. the dealers. the bazaar value of each horse is as definite as the value of a bale of wool to a wool buyer. with much shouting. the early lots do not contain many of this description. A dealer always says his horse is worth double what he is as ing for him. All these are offered at the start of the sale. all ali e gather to inspect. because he nows that the would-be-sharp purchaser will not buy unless he thin s he is getting twice the value of his money. swell and bearer-up. as recorded by Conan Doyle. Now and again among those castoffs one sees an old horse of good type. and perhaps to bid. as a rule. and his assistant. the sporting men who buy for India. because. he must also ta e the dealer's ris . "radicals" that have been starved and bullied into some ind of submission. To the expert. The earlier lots are nearly always equine derelicts. was the recovery of a missing despatch box lost by the Prime Minister of England. a good crowd has collected. but when a start is made with the advertised lots there is a closing in. A horse is brought out and ridden up and down at a great pace. The odd ten will be the non-professional buyers who have just dropped in to see if they can pic up a twenty-pound horse for a tenner--a thing that they invariably persuade themselves they have done till they try to realise their bargain. This adventure is supposed to have closed the history of the great detective so far as English readers are concerned. it is safe to say that ninety out of every hundred in the bazaar will have noticed it before the horse has gone ten paces. And it is this anxiety on the part of the public to get twenty-pound horses for tenners that leads to all the lying and chicanery of the horse trade. eyeing the crowd with hostile glance. but such a                                           . and you can find out afterwards what you've got". poor old worn-out horses shifting uneasily from one infirm limb to another. The auctioneer mounts his box. The auctioneer will tell him what the owner represents the horse to be. whip-crac ing. and the guileless novice must remember that if he li es to go to the bazaar and buy at the dealer's price. A small group of buyers stands loo ing on. 3 December 1904 THE LAST OF SHERLOCK HOLMES The Mystery of the Governor's Message and the Missing ----   Those who have followed the career of the marvellous detective Sherloc Holmes. The saleyard crowd do not pay much attention to these derelicts. have gathered together. showy cripples that surprise the onloo er by their apparent cheapness. whose strong constitution and iron limbs have been proof against all the assaults of starvation. and general flourish. perhaps the mar of an old blister. Perhaps it is a slightly enlarged fetloc . each buyer's eye at once fastens on his wea spot. Dr Watson.As the forenoon wears on. but. Whatever it may be. Then it is that the cognoscenti get in their fine wor . The casuals. and from then on the buying is easy.

"Do you mean Moriarty. paced restlessly up and down his official sitting-room. Sir Tarry Hawser is concerned in it we must attend to the matter ourselves.'" "And what do you thin he has lost?" said Watson. Sherloc smiled his inscrutable smile. The streets were quiet. I new it was you by the heavy way you put your feet down. gazing admiringly at the bac view of the greatest detective the world has ever nown. Have just come home from the amateur races. I said. Dr Watson. But there is a small matter. I new it was you the moment you had passed that point. it would be found in the solution recently wor ed out of a labyrinthic mystery which Sherloc Holmes and Company alone could have successfully solved. a mere official trifle. The door slid noiselessly into a groove in the wall. From time to time he glanced restlessly at the door. nor gave my name to a soul. to Sherloc . It is evident he has lost something. such a genius must find an outlet for its energies. we shall call Sir Tarry Hawser. which is li ely to afford us a little wor . I would hand over to the traffic constables. admitting Sherloc 's old and true friend. and the Missing Diamonds. and bearing the Hoss Valley telegraph stamp.' and as no draught horse could get round the angle in the first landing. now disguised as a policeman. I have a small matter in hand. and there are indications that various mysteries now puzzling Australians--such as why Pye was left out of the Australian eleven. he tossed to Watson a telegram timed 11 p. "That part is in cipher." "How did you now it was me?" said Watson. and from the further fact that he goes on: 'Send two detectives at once. the Crown Prosecu--"       If any confirmation were wanted of this statement. and read it aloud." he said. with instructions to inquire whether any strangers had been seen in town lately. "I new it was you the moment that you started to come up the stairs.                                               . Very hot." "My dear fellow". except for the usual crowds round the betting shops." So saying. but as our old friend. "I never spo e. as a rule. I deduce that from the fact of his sending the telegram. or a draught horse. with calm superiority. holding in his hand a telegram. "Hawser. and we have lost the ey. for obvious reasons. Suppressing. disguised as an Officer of Detective Police. 'This is either Watson. Hoss Valley. In other words. It is a matter which. It was midnight of a sweltering Sydney summer night. and Sherloc Holmes. Sherloc Holmes is in Australia. Watson held it up to the light." said Sherloc . and three noc s were given. for the purposes of the story. A step was heard without. said Sherloc . Without loo ing round.master mind could not remain long unoccupied. When I heard the sound on the stairs. let us proceed to narrate how Sherloc Holmes unravelled the mysterious telegram sent by one whom. the real names of the parties. "Sit down. or the Mystery of the Mont de Piétè. and threw himself into an easy chair.m. Have lost--what's this he has lost--'exiguous co-ordinate'?" "That's where the difficulty is. saying. the Governor of New South Carolina. Sherloc motioned him to a chair. will before long engage the attention of his giant intellect. Sydney. "I thin I recognise the hand of Moriarty in this. Watson.

Oblige me by pressing the bell. at every turn! This is no ordinary emergency."No." "Have you rung up the press." "Does he bec on with his hand. sir. It lowers the number of convictions. I would go myself." "Yes. and their descriptions circulated among the criminal classes?" "They have. and a bloodhound to follow the trac s?" "They have. to notify beforehand what you are going to do. And now let us snatch a few hours' sleep. and begun to shell the Barren Jac Reservoir? Was a Russian emissary disguised as a commerical traveller trying to sell fire-extinguishers to the burnt-out settlers?" The public mind was all unrest. and have the telegram intercepted by Moriarty? Watson." "I see Phillip Street. "loo out. after hours. he is. stepping over to the window. sir. "It is a great aid to detective wor . We can do nothing till the morning. sir. excellent." "Have they got a banner. and where they are going." "Excellent." he said." Next morning there was a great to-do. he went on. "They are. the Napoleon of iniquity. See here." Sherloc smiled his slow smile of satisfaction. the great chief of crime. but--" And here he paused. Good night. he does. and enables Neitenstein to effect a saving in gaol expenditure. and a cab at the corner. sir." "I thought so. Watson. and is he joined by another man?" "Yes. Watson. and told them at what time the detectives leave. Moriarty." "What does he loo li e?" "He loo s li e a beer fighter. Mind the step." "Have they been photographed. and a man over the way going into a pub. and drawing aside the curtain. and all loo ed       "Are all arrangements made?" said Sherloc sharply. and mas s for their faces.                             . "Watch that man. "and tell me if he loo s round as he goes into the bar." A velvet-footed official came to the door. and by whom they are wanted?" "We have. "Why not telegraph Sir Tarry. and see--" "What." said Sherloc Holmes. People were as ing: "What had the Governor of New South Carolina lost? Had the miscreants been arrested? Had Roshdestvens y's fleet appeared on the Upper Murrumbidgee. I mean Moriarty. you surprise me. lost in thought. Watson". and tell me what you see.

with more lustre and luminosity than on any occasion in his history. and the sleuth hounds of the law were puzzled. accompanied by a German band. Let it never be said that Sherloc Holmes descended to the low expedient of surprising a burglar. There had been no crime committed. "that the criminals are not here to meet us after our departure was so extensively advertised. whoever they were. and Sherloc Holmes is the only man who can tell us. Public excitement ran higher than ever. by one of those singular lapses of which even the greatest minds are capable. "Strange!" they said. enigmatical smile. But the trained." he said. a banner. Any officer giving any information whatever will be sac ed. were ta en no unfair advantage of. "should he wait till the middle of the night to remember about the bonds? No.to the great detective to now what had been done. he said. and drew his questioner close to                       . "He didn't li e sending it down. considering the people that were about. The great master mind of crime was at wor in this. and he didn't see why the public should be ept in a state of unrest." Later on in the day. He said that Sir Tarry Hawser had merely wanted two detectives to loo after some unsaleable bonds that the Carruthers Government were trying to palm off on the British moneylender. deductive intellect discards all the theories of guarding bonds. but the public would not believe this story at all. the Prime Minister. "Why."         Sherloc him. Watson. The time and place of their departure and the object of their visit were all chronicled in the society columns among the fashionable intelligence." he hissed. "there was nothing in it. There was nothing to ma e a fuss about. "A Russian spy has passed along here. Enough for them to now that the criminals. But the desperado was found to be only an ordinary swagman." They returned as unobtrusively and secretly as they set out. he again smiled his deep. The mysterious message--what was it about? Had the detectives arrested anyone? It was then that the genius of our friend Holmes shone out more brightly. there was a mystery in it. "We have told the criminals what we were going to do." When this was reported to Sherloc . They followed up the bloodstained trail. actually made public the details of the affair. Loo out. and tell me what you see in the street. and were met by four hundred people at the railway station." they said. Watson. "To the ordinary superficial observer. He rigidly refused to give any information. and were read with interest by the criminal classes. and a bloodhound. who cheered them heartily. Holmes loo ed round furtively. "but it would never do to tell the public what the affair was all about. the detectives had started for the railway station with the utmost secrecy." "And what was it then that Sir Tarry Hawser wished the detectives to do? What did he wish them to guard?" "The family washing. Meanwhile." he said." they said.

In those old-fashioned places they don't care about rac ing a car to pieces by teaching it to jump down the side of a hill from one roc to another. who                     "I see the same pub. When a man has got a machine under him that can travel at thirty miles an hour and a good road to run her on. Watson. so that the motorist can see where the danger lies and can slow up in time. overhung by great oa s. raising a cloud of dust that moves li e the pillar of fire that guided the Israelites. they would only call it oozing along. whereon the motorist can let her out to his heart's content. February 20 1905 There is nothing very granite-li e about the roads in Australia. he wouldn't see where the "trial" came in."                 . he would whistle softly and would withdraw his car. which is the happy hunting ground of the London motorist. but a trifle faster. "There you are. They would tell you that a good motorist ought to be able to get out and push the car as fast as that. Down about Brighton. The roads in England require to be seen to be believed. 28 January 1905 DISPATCHES Motoring to Melbourne THE HISTORY OF THE HASTE WAGGONS PART I Monday. it isn't in human nature to throttle her down to six miles an hour. SHAVING THE "COPPERS" In rural England they do not love the motorist. even these have a surface as smooth as glass. But if the same English or Continental motorist had a loo at our roads. if he were told that this constituted a "reliability" trial. If an English or French automobilist was told that a "reliability" trial in Australia consisted in running 600 miles in five days on a main public road between two capital cities. planting policemen in hedges to ta e the time of the flying motors from one milestone to another. and littered an le-deep in leaves. they wouldn't call that motoring. and as for sixteen miles an hour. And it is just the excellence of the roads that has made the motorist so unpopular in England.Sherloc Holmes gave his usual chuc le of triumph. as every car would get full mar s. So they let her out and the Bumbles and Parish Council prosecute and fine them relentlessly. Even narrow little country lanes. drawing the leaves and dust to a whirlwind after him. The local squire. in dry weather each car flies along. Moriarty is yet at large. washed-out cree s and heartbrea ing hills--these are the items on the bill of fare before the cars that start on the reliability trial to Melbourne tomorrow. "that proves that my suspicions were correct. and the motor clubs pay men to trac out these policemen and to stand outside their hiding places and wave a red flag. sidelings and sand drifts. Ruts and loose metal. On English or Continental roads such a trial would be a moc ery. ENGLISH MOTORING And right here it is worthwhile to say a little about motoring in England." The Evening News." he said. and I thin the same man going in to have a drin . at sixteen miles an hour running time. worse luc .

The motorcycles started first. hooting li e fiends in torment. and Giles Jollyfowl finds himself in the ditch with his load of manure on top of him. They don't li e being hurried in England. Tomorrow we start on a reliability trial. is condescending to cross the village street at his usual leisurely strut. and he has to s ip in a very undignified way for the sidewal if he wishes to save his precious life. when "booh! booh! whizz!" a motor is all but over him. "as you go along. and it is considered de rigueur to drive full speed just where the traffic is thic est. but the Australian loo s upon a race of any sort as a sacred thing--all business and public interests must be suspended in favour of a race. February 23 1905 When a friend as ed me to go in a motor car trip to Melbourne and said that over twenty cars were going. always to pass a traffic constable so close as almost to shave the buttons off his uniform. no doubt. However. But the motorist is a good deal to blame. so that the cars on the reliability trial are being warmly welcomed and a country mayor is actually going to entertain the motorists in his public capacity. and "the correct thing" in motoring is to ma e all created things step lively when you are on the road. In England. That is why the English papers are full of complaints against motorists. and the only objection to the cars is that they frighten horses. as they told the steeplechase rider who wanted to now whether the horse he had to ride could jump the fences or not.has never been hurried in his life. and visions arose of a horde of motors flying along in clouds of dust. but how they will be for eighteen or twenty cars. to graze vehicles as closely as possible in passing--just to teach them to give a bit more room another time--and. the farmer. each rider's head nodding over                                 . Roads were not bad. sleeps peaceably on top of his load as usual. and went spluttering and sha ing their way along at a great pace. THE RELIABILITY TRIAL PART II Thursday. It's no good anticipating trouble. goodness only nows. Next thing there is an appalling whizz and a racing Panhard or Gladiator tears past li e a long strea through the atmosphere. IN AUSTRALIA And how will it be with the overland to Melbourne trip? The Australian is not so conservative as the Englishman. above all. as our old friend Horace used to say. if it is dusty. But such expectations were agreeably disappointed." they said. Giles Jollyfowl. Cras ingens iterabimus aequor. and lets the old horses go their own way. A TRIAL TRIP A Sydney car had a trial run as far as Picton and bac last Saturday. to cut corners by the merest hairsbreadth. the old horses wheel round. find out a good deal between here and Melbourne. They are great people for "the correct thing" in England. The cars were despatched at intervals of three minutes or so--enough to put about a mile between each car--and there seemed to be little or no closing up in the running." So we will. he would ta e all their names and "summons" them. ta ing a load of manure home. and rush off the road. "You will find that out. I had an idea that the whole commando would go together. for a sort of professional pride exists among gentlemen motorists and their chauffeurs. sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

PASSING EACH OTHER As a rule. if it carries on to a bit of dangerous road. or something equivalent to it. the signal being given by a vigorous waving of arms. these get away first each day. This is written at Goulburn after the first day's run and at time of writing only about half the motorcyclists have showed up. Then after a hill or two the big horsepower begins to tell. it is a different thing when you hear "toot. After a few miles. and there may be a little more rivalry later on. and gully. toot" behind you and you have to pull to one side to let a car go by. one sees very little of the other cars. The amateurs who are competing do not particularly care whether they are in first or not so long as they get in by the specified time. The rest are scattered far and wide. Sometimes on climbing a hill there appears far ahead a little doll-li e vehicle climbing the next hill. in France. has used less petrol and less spar and has been in bigger ruts and his car has jumped higher and side-slipped more than any other car. Every man to his taste. One such unfortunate hailed us with a frenzied appeal for petrol. he had time to stop at every pub if he'd li ed. the little cars have to use their lowest speed and go up slowly. He said he came through with his spar retarded (I thin this is the right expression). THE LUCK OF THE GAME There is an awful bit of luc about it. the uphill grades bring bac the low-powered cars. with two little hunched-up figures sitting in it. Whether this brotherly love will continue all the way remains to be seen. Anyhow. But nothing could catch the Darracq that is driven by the Melbourne agent for these cars. but the agents of various cars are anxious to get in first. It was much more annoying to us than to the surprised swagman upon whom we came suddenly. Each motorist. The car that is leading. but I am of the opinion that the man who would ride a motorcycle for pleasure would go to the infernal regions for pastime. As one car overhauls another the leader is bound to give room to pass. He is said to have won a Grand National. by mount. and while a twenty-four horsepower will stride up a hill without turning a hair. The car that the writer was                           . one begins to come up with the motorcyclists--mostly camped by the roadside mending something. but the other drivers don't altogether accept the statement. clattering li e threshing machines. and the light cars. too. by his own account. and stream.the handles li e the head of a Chinese mandarin. and though all cars can go much the same pace down a hill. and then the heavy cars. The others who have not arrived would probably have a different tale to tell. It is quite a new language that has to be learned--something li e golf language--when one goes motoring. In fact. BEING OVERTAKEN Though it is all right overta ing a car. will signal to the car behind. and so far there has been nothing but the best of good fellowship over it. flying for dear life. and he was so pathetically anxious to get along that our driver stopped and gave him a lot. We had to let the French (Brasier) car with the French driver go by and he was letting her spin. "It was dead easy". One of the first to get in was so elated with his success that he told us. though he ris ed losing points by delay. the motorist is just li e the hunting man that always jumps the biggest fence. of course. too.

THE JOY OF MOTORING It is only now and again that you get the full advantages that motoring can offer. while the chauffeur is the trainer. THE SACREDNESS OF A RACE In a previous article. Another car pic ed up two nails--punctures each time--and blew out a tube once by plunging into an unexpected washaway. Occasionally a horse will object to us. li e many other rumours. It is a contest of foreigners. Everywhere the people cheered the cars on. then the best driving in the world can't serve him. must save every bit of bad road. and French wor shops have turned out their best wor to enable us to fly through Australia a little faster than we could otherwise do. If any stoppage occurs and he ta es an hour to find out what is the matter. The chauffeur is more important than the driver. Motorists are cosmopolitans and the only rivalry is as to the ma e of the car. one could "let her out" a bit. English. that is the depressing side of the sport. None of the cars did any racing--the road is too bad for that. even though their children and poultry were snatched by hairsbreadths from untimely graves. You've got him!" as if they were cheering on a friend in a foot race. and you put the watch on her and find she is doing thirty miles an hour and only sauntering along at that. "He's just ahead of you. We had abundant evidence of it in this run. smooth gravel for choice and the car is at her best. or foreign. When you get a bit of really good road. Men ran to show us the turnings and volunteered the information. and catches glimpses of far-off blue hills and deep gullies. But the chauffeur has to now by the slightest sound if anything is wrong. but this. jumped nothing and pic ed up nothing. thin only of their cars. The driver must ta e the ris of sending her along. And the various owners--Australian. reference was made to the sacredness of a race in Australian eyes. The car is li e an untiring horse that breasts the hills gallantly and then flies away again as fresh as ever on each stretch of smooth road. but occasionally. and judgment. it is said that the only car driven by a lady is stuc in a river about four miles from anywhere. and then it really was enjoyable. German. and sees the homesteads flying past. or                                                 . and let her out on the level. and a lot depends on his s ill. the engine wor ing with a rhythmic hum but everything else as noiseless as the tomb. may be disproved later on. Go at him. But one gets a glorious rush through fresh air. But when the smooth loo ing stretch of road is constantly crossed by the apparently harmless waterways that rac and jolt the car two or three feet in the air. that ma e the ride worth having. American. laden with scent of half-dry gum leaves. even if there were no race or trial at all. THE COMPETITORS There is not much intercolonial jealousy among the competitors. while the milestones slip past one after another in surprisingly rapid fashion. To compare it with horse racing. in stretches of good road.in hit nothing. but nothing serious in this way has so far happened. clear away as far as you can see. nerve. English. and you feel her answer to every least touch of acceleration. At time of writing. Anyone with a little s ill in steering. Then one nows for a few brief minutes what motoring really is. though three states are represented. the driver is the joc ey. if you let her rush into them or when the hills are long and steep and dusty and loose metal lies thic ly and she doesn't seem to answer properly when you liven her up a little. Next day the luc may be reversed. and he must now what is wrong.

and there is a lot of luc needed to get through. At the former town the residents as ed that the cars should be allowed to go through full speed. loo out yer don't run over some of my crossbred ewes!" But. But the only Yass resident yet met with said cautiously. all explaining to each other all about motor cars. and the small boys push each other nearly under the wheels. Add to these a high-pea ed cap. the main street has been bloc ed by a singing. sends two thousand pounds' weight of priceless mechanism in amongst them. Concentrated watchfulness is the essence of the motor face--the watchfulness of the man who may hit a drain. one can easily believe it. There is a famous expression used by Mar Twain in the Innocents Abroad--"We made Rome howl. Stevens' Darracq car rushed into Goulburn ahead of the ruc . and the officials are in high good humour. so that they might see a race. and crossbred ewes. and steeper grades. and you have some idea of the visitors who are stirring up the City of Goulburn at the time of writing. and the mob scatters and drifts up and down the street. undismayed by bad roads. big hills. deeper washaways. We go through Gunning and Yass. Eighteen miles an hour over bush roads tries the best car. breeches and gaiters similar to those used for riding. and only hope that she will eat up the miles till we get there. Motor face is the same. a pair of awful goggles. and Goulburn has not got reconciled to their pea ed caps.m. their goggles. From 11. and a quic decision. can drive and perhaps drive well. THE MOTOR RIG-OUT By common consent. we point her nose for Gundagai in the morning. fingering the cars that are waiting by the roadside filling up and ma ing adjustments before being handed over. seem to be adopted as the correct motor costume. and their iron features. up till 4 p. One hears of bicycle face. "Well. They are ma ing Goulburn howl. The second day's run was enough to fix that in the minds of the competitors. agriculturists. you                                               ." That is just what the motorists are doing here. As each fresh car comes in there is a wild rush.. but it ta es years of training to ma e a man a really first-class chauffeur. and local oracles. THE RELIABILITY TRIAL PART III Friday February 24 It is a "reliability" trial sure enough. and just as the throng is thic est a Yan ee driver. and possibly a mas with a false leather nose. Each fresh chauffeur is a thing of less beauty than the last. and if the level happens to be bisected by a drain. mass of small boys.52. when H. or ta e a side-slip and spin off the road at any moment and land in the ditch with a lot of nearly red-hot machinery on top of him. but a good deal harder. with a face li e granite. and when one sees the wrec that can be made by the hundredth of a second's carelessness. THE TRIAL So far everything has wor ed all right. a white macintosh. L. They say the crac drivers in the old country have to be in full training to do one of their long speed runs. The extra speed necessitates driving for all she is worth on the level. jabbering. Tomorrow we stri e worse roads.fair share of pluc .

and. an occasional "interesting adventure with cattle" is met with. and the Victorians. and with a perfectly clear road and good grades. Yass full of people. The French demon driver. level after level. as Mr Jorroc s says the pace was too good to inquire. had a lovely road for eight miles or so on either side of it. disasters began early. and good road. By the way. as a rule. and then the driver nows that he is holding his place. but. And then we plunged again into the stringybar ranges. who cursed us with great fluency. the driver bends over his wheel. M. ON THE ROAD During the run the people whom we have met have. At Jugiong they were holding a race meeting. signals pass from car to car. we fly behind. must just bump over it. It is a good deal li e "pic ing up the wheel" of a racing cyclist. have their struggle against the common enemy. But after Jugiong we got out into the good flats about Colac. The next stage they say will try the cars more thoroughly than anything yet met with. and so on to Gundagai.                               . The axles are all bending a little. And coming round sharp curves through loose metal causes a side strain that sooner or later tells on the wheels. Incidents were few and far between today. as they new where they could safely "let her out". The motorist must have one eye on the watch and the other on the road. and being delayed soon after the start. too. nerve-straining contest against time. The last car to leave on each day has some such sensation. who has so far formed the chief topic of conversation on the trip. he lets her rip. There was one exception. Of course. The other cars are almost sympathised with. but when once the cars have settled to wor it becomes a terrible. as the racing men would say. In fact. we had to ma e the most of that bit of road. From Goulburn to Yass you get the best bit of road we have seen so far. all good country. probably with melted snow water from the mountains. but nothing of a serious character. ta en an agreeable interest in the race. and the unmade trac nearly led to disaster. We passed him. and the wheels begin to lean in towards each other. it is a good performance for the Sydney-owned haste waggon. With all the others ahead. Gunning went by li e a flash. had a big advantage. Hill after hill. and as she is fitted for touring and carries three passengers and a lot of luggage. It is called the delirium of speed. as the lady competitor--Mrs Thompson--got into difficulties soon after leaving Goulburn. as the metalled road suddenly ceased. And as the bad roads are met. and warnings are shouted as cars pass each other. came to some sort of grief at Gunning. the march of civilisation having as yet made no mar on Jugiong. the road we struc nearly landed us in Jugiong in one jump from the top of an adjoining hill. who had driven their cars over. Arnott's big Innes car passed all the small cars on the hills.haven't time to step out. so long as the road is clear ahead. THE DELIRIUM OF SPEED In an English magazine lately appeared a picture of a car going at full racing pace. till at last a car is sighted in front. The Murrumbidgee was running yellow. as they. though the guide-boo issued by the Dunlop Company says that there is a "nice drop down" to Jugiong. The result is that constant bumping and straining wea ens the axles. J. Stevens. Quite three-fourths of the competing cars are "developing bowed tendons". Two cars today--Messrs Rand's and Langford's--pulled their wheels right off.

ran hot. THE RELIABILITY TRIAL PART IV Saturday February 25 Gundagai to Albury was the hardest Wales ride. during the afternoon we had 70 miles to do in under two hours--a quite impossible tas on such roads. This stuc us up for hours. the Victorian. and nearly blew the chauffeur out of it. The Sydney cars did badly on this part of the run. and as things now are. Another Melbourne car dropped out. Mar Foy's Panhard car got along all right. the Frenchman. The metalled road ceases is an ordinary bush affair. and spun away to one side li e a s idding bicycle. who nows no English but the two words "bad road"--was as ed how our glorious highways struc him. but his car seems to stand anything. but undaunted.in his Darracq. and is very indifferent whether he scores full points or not. and two of the four cylinders ceased wor . who seemed to spring up out of the ground. and Stevens. and the trac dusty. the South Australian lady. just saved his points by steady and careful handling of his car. The rest of the journey was run in a dust storm that nearly hid the front of the car. and then regretfully dropped it again. and the bushfires had burnt of the three days in the New South for anyone. Arnott. and was towed out by "yo els". but there is a lot of road between here and Melbourne. but the car was sent headlong into such dust and holes as we would have pulled up for on the first day. which is rough on Scotland. but he is only out for an airing. as he considers the pace nothing--in fact. Once she too charge in a sand drift. Her car is one of the slow but sure order. M. She arrived in Albury a lot late. THE LADY DRIVER Mrs Thompson. J. again did fast time. R. the third Sydney car. had an awful time. THE FRENCH DRIVER INTERVIEWED The French driver. H. Arnott's big Innes car being new. while his rival. with the Frenchman and Rand out of it. Trying to ma e up points was the fun. again headed the procession. and we lost 68 points. and it was hard enough soon after Gundagai. Mr Stewart not having showed up. but the advantage of nowing the road is very great. and already the drivers are offering to bet that not half a dozen cars finish. but there are some in Scotland nearly as bad. He said there are no roads in all France anything li e as bad as what we saw here. and her great ambition is to do the run irrespective of what points she gets.                                           . and was coaxed bac on to the road. All hope that her pluc will be rewarded. The other drivers predict that he will snap an axle doing some of his steeplechase driving. lost several points. his great trouble is to go slow enough. and pic ed up a log and did a sort of waltz with it. He does not despair of getting to Melbourne. but no amount of hard driving would pull up the deficient points. it loo s li e a well-deserved win for the Darracq. Her car stuc in the sand. rusty and nearly all the culverts.

THE REST OF THE RUN Friday's run is only set at 14 miles an hour. and W. Mrs Thompson got through yesterday. The competitors who tie will have to run off in a trial to Ballarat." The result of the hard noc ing about is that no one feels equal to attending the entertainment very indly arranged by the Mayor of Albury. half blinded with dust. It is really hard wor to sit in a car on some of the most jolty places. For the last sixty miles into Melbourne they are reported to be li e a billiard table. LAST STAGE OF THE JOURNEY. L. We did not now what to expect in the way of bad roads. James and V. She is very pluc y. His chauffeur was thrown almost out of the car yesterday. Ross. and the roads good. CHAUFFEUR NEARLY THROWN OUT Euroa (Vic. Overhead the towering canvas                                   . and at the end of the fourth section it seemed almost certain that contestants in each class would finish with the same number of points. The conditions deal with a tie. B. Stott. The Adelaide car. S. Each car as it enters will be preceded by a cyclist. and bruised and sha en by being jolted about in the cars li e a pea in a pod. so the road must be awful. or near it. J.). but will now more another time. and S. He says that in the big Continental races the chauffeur is tied in. Craven. 1905 DAN FITZGERALD EXPLAINS The circus was having its afternoon siesta. and in the light-car class J. The contestants are all pretty tired of it. Stevens. It is almost impossible to ma e any change in the order of points. One chauffeur said. a distance of 70 miles. The Sydney cars are out of it. H. Tarrant. and those who tie will have to compete in a further eliminating road contest. Nichols' Darracq. The Frenchman intends to drive his car bac again. while four have got the maximum number in the heavy-car section--H. H. IF THERE BE A TIE The contest will finish in Melbourne this afternoon. Saturday morning The last stage of the motor trial was entered upon today. G. The Evening News. unless they brea something. Day have done the same. is only one point off the full number of mar s. He intends to appeal against the Dunlop Company on the ground that the timeta er at Gundagai delayed ta ing his time. A big reception is being arranged at Melbourne. mean to see it out.000. She started again today. The weather is fine. from Melbourne to Ballarat. Gard have each scored the possible 2. Of the motor cyclists. Coleman. but those who have got full points. The driver managed to clutch him. "I rec on it's worth five pounds a minute to drive over such roads.

as the silence shut down again. a horse is all the better if he nows nothing. They had got a short piece of board. Montgomery. li e actors. as though some sort of unseen performance were going on for the benefit of a ghostly audience. so long as he is a good sort. and the whole adjustment had to be gone through again. In the menagerie portion matters were different. but every time that they sat on it. The camel had stretched himself full length on the tan. and children. and was enjoying a luxurious snooze. a sort of understudy--yes. resting before their turn came on. or a loose end of canvas flapped li e faint. oblivious of the fact that before long he would have to get up and assume that far-off ship-of-the-desert loo that so much impresses a curious audience. and school horses. entry of a person who said. and pretending that they wanted to tear the faces off the spectators and were carefully and painsta ingly trying to fix up a ind of rustic seat in the corner of their cage. it depends what we want 'em for. he has to be a quiet sober-going animal. with Mr them they proceeded to expound "What sort of horse do we buy for circus wor ? Well. interlaced with guys and wire ropes. and between the methods of training horseflesh. and even the elephant had ceased to sway about. an understudy--he has to study how to eep under the man. A ring horse is one that just goes round the ring for the barebac riders and equestriennes to perform on. not too well-bred and fiery. There are three sorts of horses in use in a circus--ring horses. here there was a free and easy air. that's it. was actually so fast asleep that he had an attac of nightmare and would have fallen off his perch only for his big tail. but it depends on what he is wanted for. young men and old men. The big African apes had dropped the "business" of showing their teeth. perched up on a sloping tent pole. The ring loo ed small and lonely in the midst of the circle of empty benches which seemed to stare intently at it. But these visions were dispelled by the "D'ye want to see Dan?" and before long nows all about the training of horses." "Then do you just try any sort of horse?" "Any sort. In barebac riding                                             . and the animals seemed to realise that for the present the eyes of the public were off them. A horse that has been pulled about and partly trained by one man has to unlearn a lot before he is any use to us. An empty circus or a stage by daylight is an uncanny thing. The remainder of the animals were. Now and again a guy rope crea ed.tent spread li e a giant mushroom on a networ of stal s--slanting beams. The human being is the star. in fact it was a regular land of the lotus-eater: A land In which it seemed always afternoon. it fell down. women. and they could put in the afternoon just as they chose. and the horse is only a secondary performer. the man who came into the tent. the better he is. but it doesn't matter what he is wanted for. tric horses. unreal applause. the ringmaster. Mr Dan Fitzgerald." "Are they hard to train?" "Their wor all depends on the men that ride them. which they placed against the wall. pac ed on those benches. The less he nows. it did not need much imagination to people the ring with dead and gone circus riders performing for the benefit of hundreds of shadowy spectators. If we want a ring horse. while a very small mon ey.

A good                                         "Some people thin so?" that horses ta e a lot of notice of the band--is that                                   . and after a while they now that you want them to pic it up--but oh! it ta es a long time. the horse will get out of step and flinch at each jump. but of course. We have a fixed camp where we brea horses.there's a nac in jumping on the horse. when they are steady to the ring. you strap up one leg. throwing a somersault. they get all abroad. but bring him into the ring at night. you put a bit of carrot in it. Then. but you can't brea in horses on the move. and then pull his head round. then you must whip him. and then bring them out again. and after a while he gets so tired of the strained position that he lies down. and standing up and lying down. "First of all we teach them to come up to you. and then won't do it. you give 'em a couple of hours of it. what about tric horses?" "A tric horse rolls a barrel. Some small circuses ma e the same horses do both tric and ring wor ." "Well?" "Well. If a man lands aw wardly and jars the horse's bac . and he is all abroad. and give them a spell." "Does it ta e them long to learn this wor ?" "Not long. then. and he isn't nearly so good to perform on. and the horse swerves from underneath you--where are you?" "Not that I now of. Then we put a 'roller' on them (a 'roller' is a broad surcingle that goes round the horse's body). To ma e a horse lie down." "How do you teach them tric s?" "Oh. and the boys jump on them and canter round. because if you're up in the air. we let them run with the rein loose. A horse is all the better to have only one line of business--same as a man. The shifting and worry and noise and excitement put it all out of their heads. but it isn't a good line. it only ruins him to whip him. with the whip. holding on to the roller. perhaps. after which he learns to do it at command. and doing tric s till the horse gets used to it. when there is no one about. But once he does a thing a few times. And a horse may now his wor perfectly well. If there are any horses in the show with an ear for music. some are better than others. if you want him to pic up a hand erchief. or lies down and goes to bed with the clown." "Then. and the trainer can catch hold of it if they go wrong. And then a strange hand in the ring will flurry them. it ta es a long time and a lot of hard wor and great patience. They soon get to now what you want. Even to ma e a horse lie down when he's ordered ta es a couple of months sometimes. li e horse brea ers do. If a horse doesn't now what you want him to do." "Do you have to give them much whip?" "Not much. Then we run them round the ring with a lunging rein for a long time. They ta e a lot more notice of the ringmaster. or fires a pistol--does any tric li e that. and then dry them and feed them. and if anything goes wrong. I haven't heard of them. a couple of months will teach a ring horse. A ring horse must not swerve or change his pace.

where among a lot of others. You may give fifty pounds for a horse. 1905: published the Evening News DONE FOR THE DOUBLE By Knott Gold Author of "Flogged for a Furlong". he's a class by himself. What one will stand another won't loo at. The Germans are the best horse-trainers in the world. CHAPTER I WANTED. with a bit of Arab blood in him." Just li e men. "Tiger Horse". Well. For school horses. down to the stable tent. and they just attend to the horses. On the Continent they thin a lot of them. but we tried eleven others before we could get one to stand it." "Did it ta e him long to learn that?" "Well. and find him a ready-made performer almost. &c. A school horse is one that is taught to do passaging and to change his feet at command. goodbye. because their appearance is half their success. and wear larger watch chains. all different. and through the menagerie tent. that's a line of business that isn't enough appreciated out here. is the best for tric s. That's the horse that the tiger rides on." "How long does it ta e to turn out a school horse?" "Well. it did not ta e this horse long. You eep at it year after year. Out here no one thin s much of it.active pony. tric . A PONY Algernon de Montgomery Smythers was a merchant. &c. to move sideways and bac wards. while you give ten pounds for another. Written c. and sometimes they get crippled--it's all in the luc of the game. a tranquil-loo ing animal was munching some feed. in fact. and he used to ta e two years to get a horse to his satisfaction. many men have to carry tigers of various sorts through life to get a living. and he got burnt after costing us a year's training. where everyone goes through military riding schools. they appreciate it. you now. wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice. to drill.. But in Germany. But that's the luc of the game. but the ban balance is the true test of mercantile                                       . Chiarini was the best trainer out here. Other merchants might dress more lavishly. you must have thoroughbreds. They're just li e men. while in front of him hung a placard." We passed out through the ghostly circus. no doubt. ring. "Won by a Win er". or school horse?" "Well. and the big German circus-proprietors have men to do all their business for them." "Then what's a school horse?" "Ah. and was turning out a splendid school horse. and sometimes they die. I suppose you'd call him a ring horse. "That's a new sort! What is he. We had a New Zealand thoroughbred that had raced. and find that he can never get over his fear of the elephant.

He had a phonograph that could hail a ship out at the South Head. So he put an advertisement in the paper that same day. He was brought up in the lap of luxury. His yard was surrounded by loose boxes made of any old timber. He had six playrooms. motors. de M. if they went. One day he gave one of them a sovereign for a locust. it was dear at the price of a sovereign. the A. He had champagne for brea fast every morning. still. when calling. handsome. in spite of the vigilance of his four nurses and six under-nurses. fire engines. not to say luxury. less the discount for cash. It is ever thus. He had nearly everything a child would want. galvanized iron. and motor buses. He ept all sorts of horses. and bar that he could gather together. He was unbeatable. He was not a man who believed in allowing grass to grow under his feet. a boy's pony. Must be guaranteed sound. Used to trains. nearly every animal about the place had something the matter with it. trams. Such is life. all filled with the most expensive toys and ingenious mechanical devices. strong. No Christmas Day was allowed to pass by his doting parents without a gift to young Algy of some trifle worth about £150. and the question of what should be given to Algy as a present agitated the bosom of his parents. All others are shoddy. and could deafen the German Band when sha en up judiciously. sheets of roofing felt. and run about with the little boys that he met there. It is things li e these that show true gentility. Price no object. and in a trial of ban balances Algernon de Montgomery Smythers represented Tyson at seven stone. Though they had been married many years. He lived in comfort. and a mechanical parrot that sang "The Wearing of the Green". What we have we do not value. There were harness horses that wouldn't pull. His motto was. And still he was not happy.                       . but one morning a bright inspiration struc Algy's father. "Up and be doing--somebody". and saddle horses that wouldn't go--or. "Wanted. Algy should have a pony. With Mr Smythers to thin was to act. Any failure in above respects will disqualify. Smythers had but one child--a son and heir. he would escape into the street." CHAPTER II BLINKY BILL'S SACRIFICE Down in the poverty-stric en portions of the city lived Blin y Bill the horse dealer. Certificate of birth required as well as references from last place. except good sorts.superiority. intelligent. Sometimes. used to fall down. Christmas was approaching. and his wife always slept with a pair of diamond earrings worth a small fortune in her ears. and what other people have we are not strong enough to ta e from them. Certainly the locust was a "double-drummer".

or pull a sul y. so he went on the other tac . that such a great notability should be anywhere un nown! Sausage II was the greatest 13. But the periodical punts and occasional sales of horses would not eep the wolf from the door. for the rent. Bill would offer to "pull the little cuddy out of the sul y and run yer for a fiver". and every time did the gallant race pony pull his owner through. He saw it would be no use to tal about racing to him. At once there flashed upon him what he must do. dry up. Instead of listening to all that Blin y Bill said.                                                       . Under the circumstances. There are no shays in this country." Fatal mista e! You should never stop a horse dealer's tal . sir. Smythers was brusque with his inferiors. "I don't believe a word you say. and when the bailiff dropped in. except under desperate circumstances. It was li e a ray of hope to him. and no money to buy feed. de M. and in this he made a mista e. as he did every two or three wee s. the reader will as . Mr A." he said. and had no desire to ma e it worse. and it only worries me to hear you lying. Ponies eep on eating whether they are winning or not and Slin y Bill had got down to the very last pitch of desperation when he saw the advertisement mentioned at the end of the last chapter. He did not believe in fighting. it was a blue duc for Bill's chance of eeping afloat unless the pony won. what was he to do? Sausage 11 must be sold. when he was stopped. but he would always sooner fight than pay. What. and disbelieving it at his leisure. as he never paid. but Bill had read the word somewhere. Bill and the bailiff would go out together. or on somebody else's ponies--the latter for choice. Time and again he had gone out to race when. was Sausage II? Alas. it was quite a common thing for Blin y Bill to drive him in a sul y to a country meeting and loo about him for a li ely "mar ". Sometimes he got beaten but. He had no feed for his ponies. But all these devices had left him on his uppers in the end. he stopped his tal . but never say you doubt his word. "Yus. in fact. he must sell Sausage II. And call him anything you li e. Brought up as a pet. He told him that the pony belonged to a Methodist clergyman. He must ma e a great sacrifice.2 pony of the day. the little animal was absolutely trustworthy. who used to drive him in a "shay". to use William's own words. He saw Mr Algernon de Montgomery Smythers and measured him with his eye.He ept racing ponies. that didn't matter." he said. the corn merchant had written his account off as bad. if he could find a fleet youth with a reputedly fast pony. "If you want to sell this pony. Bill owed more to Sausage II than he owed to any of his creditors. "'e goes lovely in a shay. and thought it sounded respectable. With heavy heart Bill led the pony down to be inspected. and "have a punt" on some of Bill's ponies. He would carry a lady or a child." and he was just starting off at twenty words a second.

"Ta e up the fat man's burden". Through Surry Hills and Redfern swept the flying pony. and had lost the proceeds at pitch and toss. which he had in his poc et. Algy's father gave orders to have the pony saddled. CHAPTER IV RUNNING THE RULE As soon as Blin y Bill recognised his visitor. He expected to get at least a tenner ready money for bringing the child bac . the greatest thirteen-two pony of the century. a lady of forty summers. and blued it in the school. and though he bought the pony at a high price. and in half a minute was riding him up and down the front drive." he said. In half a second there was a rattle. Sausage II was off after them with his precious burden. the detested exercise. Then. Alas. Well has one of our greatest poets written. With a clatter of clumsy hoofs they thundered past. his rider lying out on his nec in Tod Sloan fashion. poor lady! Everything she ate agreed with her. Then he as ed for leave to go out in the street. "I mos enoed his bloc and tac le. as quietly as possible. "and ta e the id with us. The cold world never fully appreciates the struggles of those who are fat--the efforts at starvation. while the ground seemed to race beneath him. my young shaver. till suddenly round a corner came two butcher boys racing their horses.Both these things Mr Smythers did." Then from the unresisting child he too a gold watch and three sovereigns. When Algy saw the pony he shouted with delight. he was left yelping far behind. "Ha. and led round to the front door. With a light heart he went down town with Algy's watch and sovereigns in his poc et. Blin y Bill. ha. He did not return till daylight. and succeeded in eeping ahead for about three strides. "Nothing for it but to move. and she got fatter and fatter and fatter." he said. when he awo e his wife with bad news. li e the wolves that pursued Mazeppa. As the capitalist departed leading the pony."                                                         ." he said. revenge is mine! I'll get a tidy reward for ta ing you bac . and that was where the trouble began. These he said he would put in a safe place for him. Let him beware how he gets alongside anything. The family dog tried to eep up with him. miserable wal s. and hoped that he might be allowed to eep the watch into the bargain. The events of the way were just one hopeless blur till the pony ran straight as an arrow into the yard of his late owner. "Can't give the boy up. Up and down the street the pony cantered. he was delighted. Algy's mother. till he was going home again. spent the morning superintending the dinner. Dinner was the principal event in the day with her. and a sort of comet-li e rush through the air. CHAPTER III EXIT ALGY Christmas Day came. the long. "You here. yet the insult san deep into the heart of Blin y Bill." meaning that he had pawned the boy's watch and chain. Blin y Bill muttered to himself. But we digress. That's all! Blin y Bill may yet be revenged!" We shall see. "Ha! ha! Little does he now that he is leading Sausage II.

nowing he was "dead". She remembers the clairvoyant's "What went by the ponies will come by the ponies. Tons of money were at the last moment hurled on to Tin Can. Nostrils has won his race. They heard nothing. The boy's mother consulted a clairvoyant. and waited for the Sherloc Holmeses of the force to get in their fine wor . But the poor lady regularly punts on his ponies. But it is not for betting alone that she attends the meetings. in spite of all temptations Bill has always declined to number among his punters the mother of the child he stole. she is now engaged in "doing it on the ponies". When women ta e to betting they are worse than men. I'm going to send Blin y up. but. Is he on the job? The prices are lengthening against him. and the mysterious disappearance of little Algy was never solved. can win the second half of the double." And always she searches in the ran s of the talent for her lost Algy. The horse dealer's revenge was complete. "All right. Today she has bac ed Blin y's pair. mother. Dodger Smith. leaving her the whole of his colossal fortune. She is one of the biggest bettors in the game. Does the reader recognise her? It is little Algy's mother. will come by the ponies". prosperous once more. and just as regularly is "sent up"--in other words. It's time I had a cut on me own. Nostrils and Tin Can. and Tin Can. face to face. loses her money. having developed a taste for gambling. for the double. and the poor lady recognises that once more she is "in the cart". and. Her husband is dead. The first are not much use to a man without the second." he said. Here comes another of our dramatis personae--Blin y Bill. Years rolled on. who said. "Me cheild! Me cheild! Me long-lost Algy!" It did not ta e long to convince Algy that he would be better off as son to a wealthy lady than as a joc ey subject to the fiendish caprices of Blin y Bill. and the ponies were doing their usual performances. They put the matter into the hands of the detective police. The reader can imagine with what frantic anxiety the father and mother of little Algy sought for their lost one. "Put all you can raise on Tin Can. Just then she meets Tin Can's joc ey. The boo s.So move they did. CHAPTER V THE TRICKS OF THE TURF It was a race day at Pulling'em Par . He has got a string of ponies and punters together. and wrote his name till their wrists gave out. responded gamely. if on the job. Among the throng the heaviest punter is a fat lady with diamond earrings. "What went by the ponies. A piercing scream rends the atmosphere. anyway. and with that they had to remain satisfied. Blin y Bill had a                                 . as if a thousand school children drew a thousand slate pencils down a thousand slates simultaneously." The horses went to the post.

The boo ies thought that Blin y Bill had sold them. They anchored in the roadstead outside the inner harbour of Albany. 1905: published the Evening News DISPATCH THE GREAT WAR THE TRANSPORTS A GREAT FLEET DEPARTURE FROM ALBANY AN IMPRESSIVE SPECTACLE Up to Albany nothing of importance occurred in the voyage of the troops of the Imperial Force. and they discarded him for ever. and still no move. on which is a sharply silhouetted against the s y.half-share in all the boo ies' winnings. There they swung at anchor for five clear days. The ships arrived at Albany in ones and twos and threes. Thus has his revenge recoiled upon himself. Two sic men and one sic officer were sent ashore from our vessel. with here and there a patch of gorse     Grey dawn sees pretty well everybody astir and all eyes the flagship of the transports. and sometimes out in the bac yard of their palatial mansion they hand the empty bottles. READY TO SAIL The island is at the end of a long sea lane or waterway. And what is this that flashes to the front. to a poor old bro en-down bottle-oh. word passed round in the mysterious way in which word does pass round at sea that the transports would leave next morning. for on that day our big fleet of transports put out from Albany for the long trip across half the world. while the howls of the boo ies rise li e the yelping of fiends in torment? It is Dodger Smith on Tin Can. Time goes on. landloc ed on either side by bare rugged hills. and all hands turned in with the serene hope that this at last was the real signal to move. was a red-letter day in the history of Australia. so he chuc led grimly as he went to the rails to watch the race. They're off. He is now a bottle-oh! Algy and his mother were united. eep turning to been rumoured as A red sun rises lighthouse.                             . and bac ed horses together happily ever after. and no move was made by any of the ships. A couple of small men-of-war came and went but the vessels that were to escort us still waited. Sunday. till at last all the fleet was gathered. and from the grandstand there is a shrill feminine yell of triumph as the gallant pony sails past the post. November 1. All sorts of hours have the time of departure. but day after day passed. while water and coal were ta en in by the vessels that required them. Written c. Each day there was a report that we were to sail on the following day. It is Blin y Bill. free of charge. behind a long island away out to seaward. At last on Saturday October 31.

Lin by lin it comes inboard and the leader of the fleet is under weigh. and this alone it is that tells us that Australia's greatest maritime venture is about to put out to sea. A e. which tells us that the screw is turning at last. A GREAT STRING OF SHIPS                                 . It is as if they were watching the transports getting ready for sea. At least a thousand pairs of field glasses are centred on her anchor chain. a gliding. as she goes out the vessels that are to follow her in line get silently under weigh and fall in line behind her. The sea is dull. too. The watcher on the dec of the inshore vessels sees the three long rows of ships lying silent as painted ships at their anchors. As we pass each one it gets up its anchor and glides after us. we too realise that we are under weigh. The only sign of life is the column of smo e pouring from each funnel. THE NEW ZEALAND TROOPS The New Zealand transports all painted the same greyish-blac colour. From these. "A e. are under way for the Great War. and seems to dip her head into the waves with a sort of enjoyment at being once more on the trail. as we set our course for the Leeuwin and draw slowly up alongside the other two lines. and. swings around to the west and after her leader. whose feet are awash with through the long lines of waiting transports. still grey. our division following in beautiful order. oily rush of water. every spar and rope showing clearly outlined against the rosy s y. they drop into place and soon are rising to the sea. that only the sailors on board now that we are moving. gliding leviathans. or the dull brown of the roc s. comes no noise at all that can be heard from one ship to another. Each ship seems to stand out double her natural size. So silently does the anchor come in. comes from the frowning hills on either side of the waterway. representing Australasia. There is is done. A vague electric restlessness is in the air. Kia Kaha": "We will fight on for ever and ever. and they give us Honi He e's old warcry. Not a sound. without a ripple. Now is seen a very pretty evolution as the leader draws out past the lighthouse and turns sharply to the west. the sea. too.showing yellow against the sombre green of the coastal scrub. each ship swinging gracefully round into line. are still at their anchorage as we steam past. with blac funnels. A e. rising to the lift of the open sea. What are those coming out of the inner harbour? Two grim. so smoothly do the turbine engines wor . nor any movement of any living thing. till the roc y headlands begin to glide past us and we pass the waiting ships of our own fleet. to sight something uncanny in the absolute silence with which everything They glide past the frowning cliffs. THE DEPARTURE Then there is a stir at the stern. Noiselessly the great ship gathers speed and moves ahead through the waiting fleet." Past the frowning cliffs and the lighthouse we draw out to the sunlit sea. Thirty thousand fighting men. and are soon lost steaming right out into the eye of the sun. As gracefully as a fleet of swans after some great leader. going majestically out to sea to ta e their places as guardians of the fleet. and as each big vessel clears the gateway of the harbour she. Suddenly.

It is not exactly the easiest thing in the world to eep accurate distance and direction at night with only a stern lamp ahead and a masthead light behind to give distance and direction. One loo s aft sometimes to see if by any chance she may have relaxed her pursuit for an instant. and not a blunder was made. the one just behind us eeping always her distance. and eeping a watchful eye out                                         . With a fourteen. Day and night she is always there. It was expected she would prove the slowest of the fleet. is a pillar of smo e--a cruiser is clearing the way for us. just behind us. It is a great experience for the merchant captains this navigating in line by day and night.From the leading ship of our line we saw a great string of ships steaming along in our rear.not vessel to handle care had to be ta en not to overrun the constable. and the engine room bells tin led pretty constantly until the pace was finally adjusted. whereupon she proudly lowered her speed cone to half pace. the engine room staff and sto ers were getting every ounce out of her. but at first she hung on to her pacer. the white foam always at her bows. All eyes were on the slowest ship. but the great bow and the towering dec houses and bridge are always there just behind us. and the further away he can eep from all others the better he is pleased. A PILLAR OF SMOKE Away ahead of the whole fleet. It is fairly safe to say that not one captain left his bridge during the whole of the first night. giving the direction. and rush through manoeuvres at full speed with only a couple of cables' lengths between the vessels. No doubt. But a head sea made a big difference. The only change is when a vessel going a trifle too fast finds herself closing on the one in front of her and falls out of line and ma es a slight detour so as to lose a little distance without slowing her engines. on the edge of the horizon. Once she was given a rather long chance to close up. too. grim line of vessels. which of course suggested that the flagship was too slow to get out of her road. She did not get many more chances to lower her speed cone. A speed cone hung in each vessel's rigging. so to spea . and the gap between the flagship and her chaser lengthened and lengthened until the fleet had to be slowed right down every now and again to let that line catch up. Sometimes there are two or three vessels out of line at once. and it is a positive relief after the long. setting the pace. It would never do to ma e a blunder with all those brethren of the cloth loo ing on. At night a crimson light too the place of the speed cone. her great frame lifting and sin ing rhythmically to the swell. ADJUSTING THE PACE The engineers had a field day. The pace had to be ept down to the pace of the slowest of the transports. and for a while she did quite well. but the captain of a gigantic merchantman has no practice at playing tric s with his vessel. Men-o'-war navigators are trained to it all through their career. as the bicycle men say. surprisingly well. until the pursuit becomes a sort of haunting thing. and managed to get right on the flagship's heels. and was lowered or raised according as she was slowing down or ma ing speed. and behind her always trails the long line of ships. just in sight.

for enemies. Thus our coo is well over forty-five and has run to flesh somewhat: he is an old soldier and nows how to carry himself. The Sydney Morning Herald. a gymnasium. just visible on the s yline. used indifferently by the coo -house gang as a debating hall. too old for the fighting line. horses. intended to pass the time pleasantly and to draw out whatever mother wit there may be in the troops. Far away to starboard. The fights never come off. mat-sided. it's the men that's been in the Northern Territory. and others the worst. though they are there if you want them: and all the tal of fight is good-natured banter. to hear the tal . is more a permanent structure than is usual with Army coo -houses. though. and war material. at any hour of the day or night. an argument. coo ing in the world. Not that there is much. a bric -floored. reed-roofed shed. frequently out of action. Our coo would persuade any grumblers that they did not now the right way to coo fish!                                                                     . he still has a fine military figure. when the day's wor is over. but here he has to cope every day with the problem of feeding two hundred hungry Australians. they seem to be so exactly in the same place. coo ed by blac gins!" But he does not lose any sleep over the grumblers--not li e the French ing's coo who hanged himself because the fish was not done enough. As he says himself. whose life is devoid of incident. indeed. or. And always behind us are the great towering leviathans of merchantmen. It is the most wonderful sight that an Australian ever saw. one would expect to see about six fights a day. we do it to the best of our ability: and we are enabled to employ a number of middle-aged men. It consists of a bric oven. and another pillar of smo e and dimly seen low-lying vessel on the horizon to port show where a cruiser is day and night eeping her watch over our movements. livin' on water-lily roots and goannas. each loaded with men. During his years of military service he has learnt how to handle men. Our wor as a unit consists in the supply of helmets and steel burnishers for bits and stirrup irons to the Australian Forces. even eager. a meat house. In private life he is a quiet and successful tradesman. or a duel of wits. to enter into an argument with the seasoned old soldiers. who tell him to "cut out the bluff and tal sense". half a dozen Sawyer--or should it be Sayer--stoves. It is sometimes hard to believe that 120 miles have been covered since one saw them last. our coo -house. while he is quite ready. So he affects a ferocity of demeanour and language that serves it purpose by eeping the younger men in order. 8 December 1914 THE COOK-HOUSE Our unit is a base unit. a punch on the nose. and does not have to hustle and shift about. and only that his chest has slipped down a bit. and a mat shed. a drin of tea. therefore. by applying at our coo -house. So we move across the ocean li e a large regatta of great steamships. nay. any fighting ever done there. the wits of the squadron assemble and discuss various topics in the cool of the evening. always the same order being inflexibly ept. and a shelter from the heat. but such as our wor is. some of whom have nown the best. "It's not the blo es that lived at the Hotel Australia that grumble. So we are not a very popular unit. Anybody can have. Here. is another pillar of smo e eeping guard.

and                                                                           . As birds of a feather floc together. they are told they must fight Donnelly. a character. and there is a constant coming and going of men from the tents. and sidles towards the dixie. a tall. And first comes up one. and the most bloodthirsty threats are ta en as they are meant to be. good natured youth. no true outbac Australian coo could possibly inhabit a coo -house for long without pasting some pictures round it. is a poc et Hercules. There is a concert on at an adjoining camp. and say nothing. prepared to ta e on anybody. and everyone nows that. who have been away delivering helmets and steel burnishers to brother Australians further up the line. all smo ing. so the coo has got round him the philosophers and sages of the unit. The other two members of the coo -house are cast for thin ing parts (as the actors have it). as fearless as a bulldog. mug in hand. red-headed. and. "It eeps the boys amused. A dixie of water is simmering on the fire. who has carried a swag to many a station and swung a pic in many a mine. to have dug up the biggest nuggets. beaten all the leading runners. but is always ready to join in any sort of rough-house gambols that will serve to help the afternoon performance along. so every man who has leave for the concert wants to get some of that hot water to shave with. lean and very old giant. and this has to be ept to ma e the tea for a detachment of men. "cut it out! You can't have none of that water. The boiling Egyptian sun has slid down into his couch of fleecy clouds and the cool desert breeze brings life and cheerfulness on its wings. except that they come in occasionally. and two helpers. His offsider is a bushman of the old school. If anybody comes up loo ing for a fight. with one eye on the coo . 'Bluey'. with observations that lend point and confirmation to their chief's arguments--one of them. and many a grumbler has had to go away." he says. li e the chorus of a Gree play. peel vegetables. I want it for the boys that are coming in late. in a purely figurative and diplomatic sense. full of joie de vivre. The coo -house gang. snorting under the assurance that his grievance will be reported to Donnelly first thing in the morning. other liquids: he is no debater. carry firewood and do the hundred and one other jobs of a coo -house in a base camp. if any very notty point arises in argument. smo ing after tea. where many "sisters" will be present. it should be mentioned. and always plays up to the coo in business and dialogue without any previous rehearsal. With true Australian fatalism. He is silent. He puts his mug on the ground. wash pots. now. who cut wood. "Bluey". "Now then. it is after tea in camp." "Bluey" is a large. His taste in illustrations follows the old groove." says the coo . occasionally. He it was who cut out the pictures from the Australian wee lies--oddly varied here and there by cuttings from La Vie Parisienne--and pasted them on the coo -house walls. sit on the form outside their shed. nobody ever loo s for it. they could easily find it: consequently. and to have had more adventures of an amorous nature than Don Juan. if they really went loo ing for trouble in the coo -house. always on the new rushes and to the far out stations. When you come to thin of it.His staff consists of three--an offsider. Donnelly is supposed to have fought all the leading pugilists. and the present-day Australian racehorses and high jumpers loo out in effigy on the grey Egyptian desert. Let us suppose. His part in the daily coo -house comedy is that of the oracle of Delphos. shrewd and good-natured to a fault. it is always referred to Donnelly. he mee ly accepts this outlandish role. who is supposed to understudy the coo . A fair sprin ling of men are lounging about.

But "The Nar ".                                                                                 . Donnelly might ill him. "Ho". you've lived too long! Come out here and stac your apparel. The coo . "Stay with him. the Coo . not without applause. They want roustin' on. seeing that the "turn" has lasted long enough. as he at once ta es the stage and grapples with the intruder. The spectators cheer impartially. When you roust on him. Donnelly!" says the coo . till I ill you." says Donnelly. He has a great flow of invective. he says." "You hear that. and rushes them out into the open. and he nows he's in the wrong. "Corse I was roustin' on you. his mug is thrown after him. very dirty. throws on his forces on the wea est point of defence. "Was you roustin' on me?" he inquires. Donnelly?" "I suppose I was. 'Bluey'!" "Uppercut him. Here "Bluey" is sorted out from his antagonist. what do you want? It's no good your comin' after water. You'd only say that it wasn't boiled the way you li e it. but "The Nar " regards the coo coldly." The words "till I ill you" are apparently Donnelly's cue. "go over there and throw that man 'Bluey' out. angular. being a man of trouble-ma ing disposition. morose-loo ing soldier. 'Nar '. Donnelly. "Now. Who else would I be roustin' on?" "I thought most li ely you were tal in' to some of those pot-washin' staff coves of yours. signals to his next in ran . and he disappears from the stage. Donnelly!" "Good on you. After a while. Donnelly!" And so on. he advances on the coo house." says he. and spectators rouse themselves in anticipation as he bears down on the coo -house. Next comes a tall. They wrestle and bump about among the stoves and firewood. "Now then. in great surprise. on more than one occasion he has put in a complaint to the orderly officer about the coo ery. with two hundred shearers! Wasn't you. "He says you wouldn't coo for shearers! You that was voted in as coo seven years runnin' in the biggest shed in Queensland." "The Nar " shows his teeth in a dry grin. the coo is emboldened to further flights." Jac ma es a short rush. just stands there and ta es it. he don't answer bac . in horror." "Which one is that?" "Donnelly! Come on.adopting an exaggerated version of the Hughie Mehegan smother. Following up his initial success. on the principle that attac is the best defence. except one. you'd be lynched." The audience laugh. he says. "'The Nar 's' a good soldier. "I've fought and beat every man in this coo -house. "Jac ". If the whole lot of you went coo in' in a shearin' shed. puts his arms around the struggling pair. gets in the first shot. li e a good General. 'Bluey'!" "Come off the stove!" From distant tents come hoarse cries of encouragement: "Cho e him!" "Put the boot in. He is nown as "The Nar ". and says nothing.

land on him li e machine gun fire. and                                                             ." "Go on! There's plenty meat. The mess orderly has learnt to fear Gree s bringing gifts. here you are then. which is generally conceded to be somewhat of a bit below the belt. The first man gets his allowance and departs. Two mess orderlies come up to draw the stew. and all gormandisers. "Coo s always is the lowest dorgs in the Army!" But the coo ta es no notice. "I was eeping them potatoes to show the orderly officer. for want of any better retort. merely pausing to throw over his shoulder. and the detachment marches in. He has the Londoner's readiness of tongue. There's hardly any meat. "it's all onions." he says. "Nine. While they are having a wash. and he duc s and bolts off. says."Donnelly. as he swaggers up. Mic ?" Mic is a harassed youth who ta es everything seriously. "put in most of his life helping to put new roofs on public houses!" And with this parting blow. "Coo ". he slouches off with the dishonours of war. if you ain't careful!" "I'll put Donnelly on to you. he as s him whether he thin s he could eep one down. and ma ing tea. hungry. "There you are." "Well. s ilfully thrown by the coo -house gang. "why don't you call those men of yours to attention when I come past? I'll 'ave that stripe off you. "I'll job Donnelly on the bread bas et. There's a beautiful lot of ungyuns in this. instead of loaf in' there?" "Why don't you go out and pinch some firewood. The day's wor is over." And the mess orderly retreats with his steaming dish. "How many have you got. and I'll give you plenty 'ot water?" "Garn! If there was enough of you there to put up a decent fight with me. glancing casually into the stew pot. I suppose so. Why ain't he boilin' up some water for me. Next comes a little London coc ney. and the coo . the remar ." he says. and you go and waste them on that!" But now there is a tramp of feet in the gloom. "Do they li e ungyuns?" "Yes. he says. to the accompaniment of Homeric laughter from the troops." he says. tired." says the coo ." says the coo . who has joined up with us in Australia. and the coo ladles out the steaming mixture." Thud! Thud! Thud! Three bad potatoes. as men are after a long day in the Egyptian sun. "Why. so he inspects the dish narrowly. and turning to Donnelly." And the coo ladles out a mixture in which the "ungyuns" advertise themselves with no uncertain voice. the coo bustles about dealing out the stew. I'd go in and noc the lot of you. addressed apparently to the universe in general. And you said you wanted plenty ungyuns. and bad-tempered.

" All this Scotty pondered till you could almost hear his brain wor ing. And the General lamps us a bit. So o' course. the General pointing with his cane and as ing why the tent                                                             . so he side-stepped the problem. he got rattled and outs with the first name he can thin of. and all of a sudden he points to me. two paces to the front. and then he put forward a valuable suggestion. "You never now what a General'll want". another for shootin'. so he sez to us. see you answer to it'. too. and a half mile wal on a hot day over loose desert sand did not appeal to our coo . uneasily. So you see. and he says. both together. I bet you the General'll as me more questions than any man in the Regiment. we could see. An'. of course. this real McFarland. 'Whatever name I give you men today. "You step over to yon Light Horrse u -house. and the other real McFarland he says. he sez. So I says 'Yes. of course. there was a McFarland about ten paces further down the line. "What are you worrying about?" he said. being Scotch. 'Is there two McFarland's. just li e that: and. 'What's that man's name?'." he said.Donnelly feeling equal to the tas . loo in' at our boots and feelin' our toonics between his finger and thumb. The Kia-Ora Coo-ee. Our captain had been put fly to this. and he sez. Well. 'What's this?' he says. sir'. "He'll go tae the Light Horrse lines before he comes here". an' ye'll be a' richt!" It was a quarter of a mile to the Light Horse coo -house. he halts and snaps out. just before the General came round. our Captain new my name all right. Scotty. and just as the General comes opposite to him. "Oh! don't they!" said the coo . he steps out. and it seems his dream was to have every officer now the men's names and all about 'em. "Nobody eers whit happens tae a u . are you brothers?' he says. 'Trooper McFarland. you want to now what this one will as ?" The Orderly Sergeant was quite in the dar as to what form the General's questions were li ely to ta e. march!' He wanted to see if our Captain had give me the right name or not. and with the ear of imagination we could hear. and in daily converse with "The Heads". of the Orderly Room Sergeant. 'No. they go off to the canteen together. "One's all for drill. One come one day. 'His name's McFarland.' he says. "That's all you now. because some of 'em were different issue to the others. sir'. the coo explained. who is a credit to his own coo ing: but he saw nothing else for it. and find out what he as s them. so he set off doggedly to plod over the sand in the blazing heat and disappeared among the Light Horse tents. and with our mental vision. October 1918 A GENERAL INSPECTION "When's the General's inspection?" inquired the coo . he said. The Sergeant. but bein' ast sudden that way. and I steps out. was always supposed to now everything about everybody in the military world. he says. So the General come along the line. Soon we saw the cavalcade of the inspecting General moving slowly up the Light Horse lines. the General went off a treat. and all that.

and the local Commandant the regulation distance behind him. "Find oot onything?" he said. and he meat or only stool. set off round the camp. and as them what they did for a living before the war. everybody dressed correctly. pointing to the rows of beautifully whitewashed stones on which such hopes had been built. no company" would be a very good military maxim to be elaborated in lectures at Duntroon and elsewhere. Now. he said. There came a long halt before the Light Horse coo -house: and it is a singular fact that Generals often show great interest in the doings of coo s. seeing that the white stones round the camp were nicely whitewashed. In fact. and why there were so many Egyptian beds in the tents. and. things were going badly all along the line. "No coo . The General's eagle eye fell on this: "What have you got up on that roof". the squadron leader had put in a couple of anxious hours going about his lines. but wore a contented loo . that fire buc ets without water in them would not be of much use in case of a conflagration.D. and whether the mess orderly was tidy. Had not all the coo -house staff once been awarded a prize of two pounds for the best and cleanest coo -house in camp? All was not yet lost!                     "I thin so". you now".C. so as to escape for a while from the state of high nervous tension that prevails in orderly room when a general inspection is on. that an army travels on its stomach. with his A. and the coo is really a very important man. style and action to the mess orderly. "an old clothes store?" Then he found a fire buc et empty and volunteered the remar . If the gates were in good order. and soon afterwards we could see our own coo in the distance ploughing his way bac through the sand. and so on. By this time the General rode up.flaps were not rolled evenly. then everything else was li ely to be in good order: by their gates ye shall now them! But to return to the inspection. For it is by details that military shows are judged: and incident to this it may be mentioned that one of the greatest station inspectors in Australia once said that he always judged a station manager by his gates. and it was felt that it rested with the coo -house to redeem the day. But he had made his inspection on foot. "I went to both coo -houses after the Head ast each of 'em whether they gave the men roast roared one of 'em up a treat for not having an Roast meat!"                                     . "You can't put out fires with 'eye-wash'. He oven to roast meat in. He noted whether the Officers' Mess room was in good order. he said. The General. The Orderly Room Sergeant had made a job for himself to ta e some papers to the Quartermaster's. to the Company Sergeant Major to their foundations. and for speed. At the first squadron. At last the General moved away from the Light Horse coo -house. the squadron leader rode up and saluted and fell in beside the General to receive whatever of praise or blame might be coming his way. coo . One has been nown. all dunnage and litter out of the road. When he arrived he was sweating profusely. not being able to see to the roofs of the sheds. He hailed the coo as he passed. said the had been there. to spea quite pleasantly with the coo s. after sha ing everybody from the C. had missed the fact that all the natives employed in the lines had stac ed their gallabiehs on the roof of one of the sheds. having immediately awarded full points for neatness of turn-out to the officers' mess.. Possibly the reason for this is.O.

in private life. And thus it was that our coo trod the orderly room tarpaulin next morning on a charge of "neglect. saluted.The General rode up to the coo -house and the coo came out. he said." The day was saved. A personal search revealed. next. which was exposed by an open shirt. That's it. In a base hospital everything is done according to the drill boo . and stood to attention. but in the casualty clearing stations you do the wor first and thin about the                                                   . Sin in good order. "Very good. just as the General drew his bridle to move off. his eye lit on the coo 's bare. toiling ceaselessly with the infinite patience of genius to isolate and destroy some microbic enemy of the human race--an enemy so small that it can not be seen by the na ed eye. which get a bit nearer to the front than the base hospitals and frequently belie their name by having to shift themselves to a new location. the General turned to the coo -house. which wor within sound of the guns and have. was a revolving window shutter manufacturer! Not being able to carry the conversation further in that line. but alas. And what did they have for dinner?" Now the men had had stew for dinner. I wish I'd told him the men had stoo for dinner. he wouldn't ha' noticed the identity disc!" The Kia-Ora Coo-ee. and they'll do well at any job. but two of his assistants were minus their discs. The General moved on without a word." "Very good. the stationary hospitals. to the prejudice of good order and military discipline in that he omitted to wear his identity disc". Very clean. but the coo wasn't going to say so. in the stationaries you eep as near as you can. "There you are". hairy chest. Feed men well. that not only the coo . where some of the greatest specialists in the world experiment. The General as ed the usual questions as to how long the coo had been at the job and whether he was a coo in civil life. Our coo had redeemed the honour of the Regiment. he said. and I fry 'em. Sir. Bric floor. November 1918 IN A HOSPITAL There are three sorts of hospitals with an army: first. Very satisfactory. What did the men have for brea fast this morning?" "Porridge and bacon. He had not wal ed half a mile in the heat and sand for nothing. Not too much stew. "Very good". very good. said the coo . to which latter question he received the reply that the coo . "They had roast meat and ba ed potatoes and puddin' ". "Where's your identity disc?" said the General. "No flies. thirdly. on various occasion. "me wal in' all that way to the Light Horse for nothin'. the casualty clearing stations. the base hospitals. and most of 'em buys a few eggs. served as targets for German aeroplanists. And thus it was that our report of the inspection contained the dreadful sentence: "A little more attention to details would be desirable". but more deadly than all the machine guns of the enemy. and. He'd a gone that wild.

After a while she came and stood by the bed. and trying to wor the                                                 drill boo afterwards.         ." replied one of the amateur nurses. a nurse found herself in a hospital tent with every bed occupied and wounded men lying on stretchers in all spare corners. and prevent him doing himself any harm.. "Can't raise 'em. one merely remar ing.. figure on the staff of a casualty clearing station. "It's up to a blo e to do what he can. always been luc y." And the nurse went about her wor among the rest of the maimed and suffering men that were waiting for her. me and is that a flag?. Arabs.Nursing sisters do not. and where there was a constant coming and going of troops and guns. but this particular nurse had a good deal else to do--she had all the rows of men.. doing their best to eep up with the rush of wor all day and performing urgent operations all night--red-eyed from want of sleep. at a certain casualty clearing station in a front line camp. and it so happened that. "How is he getting on?" she said." Here the patient bro e in with a rush of words half reasonable. in her own phrase. "We Charley and Bluey. judicially.. if there is ever a parade of troops in order of merit. but in the soldiers' ward no Commander-in-Chief is more absolutely and implicitly obeyed than the army nurse. half delirium.Regimental signallers . What does he eep sending ac -emma no catch. to sit. she was a small. with his poor shattered brain still trying to set the organs of speech and action in motion.there. with very little to say for herself. and he ept trying to tear the blood-stained bandages from his head. where the men came in fresh from the battlefield and all hands were wor ing feverishly to eep up with the rush. This girl had. Truly. and to get out of the cot and go bac to duty.. and he will eep on trying to call his mates up. sic ened with the constant smell of anaesthetics.. And now she had got a chance to do some wor in a casualty clearing station.Ac -emma. So she put two men. by some queer frea the brain injury had not been immediately fatal." he said. for?. one on each side of him. but this war has seen many stranger things occur. camels. By all the rules of military novels. Amongst the patients was one boy shot through the head.. Being brother "diggers" they cheerfully too it on. In private life. where the Hun aeroplanes came over once a day. who had fairly slight bullet wounds in the leg. untended wounds and unwashed humanity. we were. ac -emma ... which is to say that she had been on transport wor in the early days of Gallipoli and had helped the doctors wor ing li e driven devils twenty-four hours out of the twenty-four. the medical and nursing units should march very near the front. unaggressive person.Regimental signallers is stomach in the sand with a Tur went together all through it. a sort of daily picture show with most of the actors alive.. And. the nurse should have sat by his side and held his hand and soothed him. Later she had been at an advanced stationary hospital in Palestine. with patient eyes turned to her every movement. "Not too good. "He's a signaller.half the time lying on your whanging at you. won't eep his hands still at all. soldiers--in fact. watching her with much the same loo that one sees in the eyes of starving horses as they watch their owner go past.. as a rule. when out of her nurse's uniform.

" And again he relapsed into unconsciousness.H. to such few iconoclasts.H. The nurse loo ed at him in silence for a while....." he said.This is Brigade.. "Please call on editor. line's cut somewhere.See me on G..I don't feel too good. F.. the great mystery. And for a while he lay fairly quiet. "If I did well with Brigade.. "it might eep his hands quiet. was around her every day. "Cut it out.H. you won't now me..Q. "that's Charley callin' up. on the wire." And a few seconds later the signaller had marched out to report to G. it was a very good comic paper. as it has a way of doing in the Desert.. there's a nurse here.H.Q. In the eyes of all "right-thin ing people"--a class which its editor held in sincere detestation--it was a scurrilous rag.. The patient's eye caught it and he waved his fan in answer. the motion of his hand apparently serving to eep him contented.. in the eyes of the ordinary.. "Don't sing that..Let me try if I can raise 'em with the flag.Q." And again he struggled to get his hand free.I don't li e leaving the Regiment though. heedless.." The Bulletin of these days was a sort of literary chameleon that changed its aspect according to the eyes of the beholder. The Kia-ora Coo-ee. and yet she never had got quite used to it. briefly. Then the patient bro e out into an army song with one or two questionable verses in it. It's very good of you boys to loo after him. "I'll call up G.all among the heads there. but I'd sooner be bac with the old Regiment.Ta e the flag a minute. unthin ing man in the street. "I have heard that--and worse.. cut it out.... and set a small piece of green tent lining fluttering at the door.all the boys. the patient began to wave it from right to left and bac again in a sort of figure of eight..They put me on Brigade signalling.It's a rise to get on G. Death.. and I'll be bac in a minute.. "Give him this fan to hold.this is Brigade.Is that a flag!. She had seen birth and death.Do you get me?. December 1918 J. some nerve vibrated always at sight of a man passing out into the great un nown.." he said.. but the watchers held him." he said.Q.. "I must go and raise G..." "Let him sing.. "There they are.                               .." As soon as the fan was placed in his hand.H.Q..and they're all right.." she said.flag over your head. The wind sprang up suddenly.I'll ring 'em again. I must report to G.Q." implored a watcher. digger.H.." said the nurse.... Then he made another struggle to get out of bed.. ARCHIBALD: GREAT AUSTRALIAN JOURNALIST Twenty-odd years ago a man who had sent anonymous contributions to the Bulletin newspaper was startled and surprised by seeing in the Answers to Correspondents column a brief notice saying... had seen plenty of suffering--querulous hypochondria and silent heroism. certain to do a great amount of harm." Then an idea struc her...

"to remember that Australia is a big place. and wool stores. their jobs. untidy in dress. a racehorse's loose box--if one can imagine a loose box furnished with a table and a chair. do not be afraid to cheer for the underdog in a fight. We were patronised by imported Governors. a process in which he often made curious mista es. sending it in. wearing a moustache and pointed beard. it too him a long time to size a man up. when all right-thin ing people got their ideas. dust illimitable. without even loo ing up from his tas ." A singular letter for a man to write in those days. the open eye. Even if you are wrong. and the underdog may come out on top. If you go to a concert you may hear a man sing a discord which is put there by the composer. In my experience the man who sings the discord is generally right nowadays. He had the haw nose. But next day's mail brought a long letter from Archibald. oh reader. Archibald was about the first Australian to "call" the English bluff. and getting paid for it. and in many ways resembling. don't be afraid to sing the discord. down Pitt Street to the small. then. "For the same reason. In pursuance of his policy of cheering for the underdog.uplifters. Off this passge there opened two or three little cubicles of rooms. their political. physically he was a fairly strong and well-set-up man of medium size. Figure to yourself. and you may be right. fish shops. long in the arms. These people rode rough-shod over us. insulted by imported globetrotting snobs. and man of respectability. At that first interview little was said except that the contributor was as ed to send in copy. shabby bric building hidden away among ship chandleries. Racially. he indicated with a jer of his thumb the loose box next door as the editor's room. comic man. he asserted that                                         . a letter which contained much that is worth reading by those who aspire to journalism. You will have all the cheering to yourself. it represented a new gospel. up a narrow and never dusted flight of stairs into a narrow and equally undusted passage. He was not at any time a man who had the commercial traveller's gift of ma ing himself at home with strangers. now a King's Counsel. but that will be of interest to the pearler up at Thursday Island and the farmer down in Victoria. their boots. you will have drawn attention to what you want to say. and religious standards from England. and was instructed in the art of cutting out the copy when it appeared. sub-editor. and we mee ly submitted. On all public questions the press are apt to sing in chorus. and there Archibald was found. nor uplifter. The first loose box contained a sallow young man who with feverish haste was writing paragraphs. their shirts. and I want you to write stuff that will appeal not only to Sydney people. was neither right-thin er. Well. with hardly room for two men to wal abreast." he wrote. and its walls decorated with in stains and newspaper illustrations. and regenerators of society as then existed. for one thing. "I want you. mostly worn-out and incompetent. their titles. exploited by imported actors and singers. and that discord catches the ear over the voices of the chorus. Without pausing in his manufacture of sausage-machine literature. each about the size of. moral. Archibald loo ed li e a Jew. piles of newspapers all about the floor. the progress of the contributor who by the way. It was loo ed upon as "blow" and bad taste for an Australian to tal of anything that Australians had done. and the quic movement of the Oriental people. That was Wilfred Blac et.

an Australian lawyer. sacrilege. but after detecting the disease he left the cure to others. and Archibald had all the defects of the born journalist. His services to Australia. "He was the first man who believed in the home-made Australian article. he was one of the first to ma himself. He should have no family ties or connections." The Sydney Sportsman. a critic. or singer. "Who was this Archibald who left this bequest?". and this in itself spea s the character of the man's mind. To his type of mind the exposure of the Mount Rennie injustices was of more importance than the construction of any national land or industrial policy. the ideal man to reform the world would be a bastard atheist born at sea. they may accept the following drama as the wor of William Sha espeare. "He made people thin . The Governor of those days happened to be a worn-out diplomat with a hobby for fowls. Such a cartoon nowadays would pass unnoticed in the general whirligig of things. or actor was every bit as good as any importation. therefore. and this rest of his wor is interred with Even after his death he has done something to carry on the advancement of Australia. literature. Australian ignorance. holding no shams e the Australian believe in service to his country. A man without a country would be an ideal journalist. a fearless fighter. and when in the process of time his name is forgotten and people as . To that extent he rendered a good at any rate lives after him: the his bones. so Archibald drew him--or caused his artists to draw him--as a bro en-down swell leading a muscovy dra e by a string and carrying a bro en top hat full of eggs. or research. or inventor. or doctor. Australian irreverence. but he could not point out the right one. he never lost faith in the ultimate success of Australians. he was all these. "should be free of all trammels. "A good journalist. He could tell people when they were on the wrong road. may be summed up in four words: from traditions. because they are sure to sway him and prejudice his judgment. because a man who always tells the truth must sometimes shame whatever God he believes in. the question can be answered by saying. anyhow. a questioner. and he should not be tied up to any religious belief. He was a great diagnostician. 25 January 1922 SHAKESPEARE ON THE TURF An Unpublished Drama A Winter's Turf Tale As the public have "stood" uncomplainingly the publication of a portrait of the Supreme Being. He could expose a wrong.                       . as he has left a fairly large sum of money to provide for the purchase each year of the best portrait painted in Australia of any Australian distinguished in art. no." An iconoclast. but at that time it was lèse-majesté. Your constructive genius does not go into journalism. in that cartoon Archibald certainly "sang the discord". but had he any constructive genius? Alas. Such a man would start free from ties and prejudices. but he had no Morrison's pill to cure national disorders. Cynic and pessimist as he was." Brea ing away sacred. detect an injustice. because then he could tell the truth about any place without hurting his own national pride." said Archibald once. In fact.

and the one before.) PUNTER: Nay. Hey. It is the way of owners that they tell To billiard mar ers and the men on trams Just when they mean to bet. 'Tis safer to spea well of the dead: betimes they rise again. till we see Just what he does his dough on. I thin well of the Favourite. they would tell thee. but Punter detains him. but the winners smile. And the losers swear. Boo ma ers and Turf Experts. Nonny. But this has got me beat. and two Punters. Follow fast. Toffs.                                           . Battlers. Exit Shortinbras. Citizens.SCENE I SCENE: The saddling paddoc at a racecourse. Nonny. I thin well of Golumpus. The Stipes were watching them all the while. a Trainer. what thin est thou of Golumpus? Was it not dead last wee ? SHORTINBRAS: Marry. Follow him close. sir. Nonny. FIRST PUNTER: Good Shortinbras. what thin est thou of the Fav'rite? SHORTINBRAS (aside): This poltroon would not venture a ducat on David to beat a dead don ey. Go bac it. The Favourite drifts. Hey. Satyrs. I've no doubt. Exeunt Punters SCENE II The same. they will noc The Favourite for a string of German Sausage. (To Punter): Aye marry Sir. SECOND PUNTER: A scurvy nave! What meant he by his prate Of Fav'rite and outsider and the li e? Forsooth he told us nothing. Golumpus. Enter Shortinbras. And when they bet. Boo ma ers call: "Seven to Four on the Field!" "Three to One. (Sings) They pulled him barefaced in the mile. they tell me. I pray you. SHORTINBRAS: Aye." Enter Two Heads FIRST HEAD: How goes the Battle? Did thou catch the last? SECOND HEAD: Aye. PUNTER: And yet I have a billiard mar er's word That in this race to-day they bac Golumpus. marry did I. Trainers. marry. Give him good watch. a dull and muddy-mettled rascal. Nonny. good Shortinbras. Flappers. bac it! (Tries to shuffle off. Bar One!" "Ten to One.

JOCKEY: I rose him yesternoon: it seemed to me That in good truth a fairly speedy cow Might well outrun him. And I myself condemned to menial toil. Crushed with the vulgar herd and doomed to hear From mouths of striplings that their horse was stiff. leading in the winner. OWNER: Thou froward varlet. Thin est thou that both are dead? Re-enter Punters PUNTER: Good morrow. Hears the tale afterwards when it gets beat And suc s it in as hungry babes suc mil . FIRST PUNTER: And thou hast trained the winner. FIRST HEAD: Prate not to me of owners. that Golumpus goes Eyes out to win today. OWNER: Thou whoreson Knave: thou went into a trance Soon as the barrier lifted and new naught                                   . Hast thou seen The good red gold Go in. Loo you how ride the boo s in motor cars While owners go on foot. A passing good horse. OWNER: Thou pestilential scurvy Knave. I have it cold Straight from the owner. PUNTER: The man who eeps a winner to himself Deserves but death. Go to! Stri es him. Didst not say To bac Golumpus or the Favourite! SHORTINBRAS: Get wor ! For all I ever had of thee My children were unfed. thou thyself. The Joc ey's Punter Has he put up the stuff.And not a single wager has been laid About Golumpus. Thou complicated liar. my wife unclothed. Owner say'st thou? The owner does the paying. must I say again. or ride in trams. SCENE III Enter an Owner and a Joc ey. (Kills him) Enter defeated Owner and Joc ey. OWNER: 'Tis a good horse. Gentlemen. The race is run and Shortinbras enters. and the tal . Alarms and excursions. or does he wait To get a better price. That on the Woop Woop course he ran a mile In less than forty with his irons on! JOCKEY: Then thou should'st bring the Woop Woop course down here. When they themselves are bro e from bac ing it.

but I suppose we must allow for some little exaggeration by the Persian war correspondent. who had got some floc s and herds together. and now anybody who wants to start a farm at Jerusalem has to carry the soil up on don eys. with trees growing all over them and holding the soil together. There is overwhelming evidence of a vast population and exuberant fertility. cut down the trees to improve the grass for their stoc . One of the troops happened to as him how the barren country around Jerusalem had ever carried the big population you read about." One would hardly thin that this sort of tal would capture the troops. and if two men were tal ing together." he said. a scientist of sorts. here is the story of a man of peace who became a hero overnight. as he was not doing anything to earn his pay.000 Christians in Jerusalem. The big camp at Moascar. The big stadium built by Arnott at Moascar would not hold the Professor's audiences. CURTAIN The Sydney Sportsman. Before long. He was only a prawn on war.Of what occurred until they neared the post. li e every other big camp anywhere. Soldiers are given sweets for their                                               . they soon had a crowd round them li e a two-up school. boo ma ers. and if he had seen a eg of beer without an owner he would not have nown what to do with it. though nobody seemed to now how he got there. had the usual percentage of lead-swingers and refugees from the front line. but he didn't seem to now where to ta e hold of them. Fancy wanting to go home when you were drawing a major's pay and didn't have anything to do! That was the ind of blo e he was. "All those mountains about Jerusalem used to be covered with soil up to the tops. and that started him. It turned out that he was an agricultural professor and had been sent out to uplift the troops. in the history of the world. "It was this way. but it did. In the last war there was a blo e named Cherry. but he was a whale on Jerusalem. "The tribes. heads and surviving joc eys and trainers. the Professor had to as them to stand bac and give him air. (Kills him) Curtain falls on ensemble of punters. He was retiring as an Italian general. He said that he wanted to go home. at any time. And why should troops ta e any great interest in such a dry subject as alterations in the Earth's surface? They are trying to alter it themselves a lot of their time. The rain got at the soil and washed it all away. When the Persians invaded Palestine they are said to have massacred 90. 8 May 1923 THE MAN WHO GAVE 'EM WHAT THEY WANTED Peace hath her victories no less renowned than war.

F. Don't try to ma e them eat it.     . You must let them choose provender for themselves.The A. but deep down in the minds of most of them. News.I. there is a craving for something more substantial whereon to exercise their mental teeth. li e a strea of pay dirt under a lot of overlay. 8 February 1941 THE END   stomachs and cinemas for their souls and these things are supposed to satisfy them.

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