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First week is in the books, I’ll write a little something to give Bettman a break from his partying at the

one and only Plymouth State Universityyyyy, talk to meee can’t wait to get loaded with those PRB’s next weekend. A shout out to the Bullets for bringing that term to the CGHL. Don’t care too much about the grammar on this one, like shit we added another apostrophe team to the league (Ric Flair’s), so I guess Sabeano’s has started a trend. I wonder is the Leafs will go with Maple Leaf’s, or Red Wing’s, or Senator’s would be a good one. So no chirps for my shitty English. The CGHL lost its divisions this year and lost the North Bay Natives, due to work and the insane increase buy-in to $40. We hope to see the Natives rejoin the CGHL next season and inherit shitty keepers. Suck it Tyler I know you are reading this. With a 14 team league, Commish Wally decided to go away with divisions and put more emphasis on the best teams making the playoffs rather than the former set up where you were thankful to be in a division with Jeff, Buckle, Ryan and Noakes. We should see the best of the best in the playoffs this year. The CGHL added an extra element of a suicide pool this year thanks to the GM of the Bytown Barbers. It will be interesting to see how that plays out, maybe there should be a trophy assigned to that as well? Just a thought. We saw a few rule changes in the opening week, non-bigger than the bull shit veto rule. I am sure many GM’s are glad to see that dumb rule changed. With only taking 4 votes to veto a completely honest trade, it was bound to get changed. We would have seen Shea Weber, Marian Gaborik, MA Fleury, and Midnight Black Subban on the move. Alright, let’s wrap up the week that was. Many of the GM’s gathered for the first day of action in the CGHL war room -aka the Barber’s basementto watch the games all day Saturday on a wicked awesome 3D TV courtesy of the Bytown Barbers, what a beauty. Might as well start with the goddam defending Championsssssss Dee Qewwwwww Disssssssneylanddddddd facing off against J son and Los Pollos Hermanossssssss. DQD thought they were in for an easy home matchup against the LPH , boy were they wrong. J Son fired his team up right from day one with an insane offensive outburst from the never aging Selanne finishing the week with almost the exact same amount he accumulated on that first day (18.7) It was his goalies that won him the matchup 224.3 to 221.6. DQD made a questionable play drafting Rask and Fleury with his first two picks, but they held their own racking up 35 points in 7 games played. High performers for his team were Hossa (31.7) Lecavalier (25.7) taken in the 4th round and 9th round respectively. DQD tried all he could by using a ton of acquisitions but just couldn’t find a way to out muster LPH in a 3point deficit. LPH will be a team to be to take note of as the hope for better fortunes this year around. From first to The Worst, Bytown Barbers took on the snake like Cross Barns in what turned out to be a snooze fest. Cross Barns or should we say the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (drafting their entire top line without even realizing it) couldn’t overcome Bytowns great start of 51 points on the opening day. Big

performers from JOEL included Vanek (32.3) Couture (29.2), expect big things from Cross Barns as they try to show the rest of the league how vital it is to show up on draft day. How about those Bytown beauties, they just steamrolled through the week amassing senseless numbers from his boys from down south. The GM of Bytown has spent some quality time with his trophy from last year but he wants nothing more than to never see it again. St Louis (33.4pts, 4th rd) Stamkos (32.8pts, 1st rd) and Pominville (25.1pts, 9th rd) were his top performers. Bytown went into draft day with a plan and he sure executed to near perfection with only two regrets. Taking Kipper instead of Crawford and taking Holtby instead on Niemi. Substitute those players into that powerful lineup and he would have cruised to the TSN Player of the Week. Congrats to The Ric Flair’s on winning TSN Player of the Week! They sure are some cocky sons of bitches but they are allowed to be if they keep putting up those kind of numbers, and destroying the most hated team in the league the Sabeano’s in the process. Sabeano’s had to sneak passed the American Canada border to get to Plymouth state university to take on the Ric Flair’s this week. Maybe it was the illegal immigration that hindered his team this week, nobody will know, all that matters it that they got wrecked by a new team and by the likes of Thornton (44.4) !!! suck it sabean. This next one was a close battle between Wall-es and Mongoose. Both sporting new jerseys for this season, the Mongoose Rising tried to build off their unlikely 2nd place finish last year with a good start this year. The new look Wall-es look, well… awful. Doesn’t help them that they lost a key component in Hartnell (out for 4-6) and combine that with some brutal draft picks (Kreider, Seabrook, McDonagh) as well as poor choice of judgement on taking a Sedin and Richards with his first 2 picks (although working out for him so far), the Wall-es might just be in for a long season this year. We did see a few constants as Michalek (16) and Burrows (14.8) and Lehtonen (22.4) returned for a second year with the Wall-es. GM Noakes came struggling out of the gate while only managing 206 points and doesn’t help that thier top pick Grioux honed his drinking skills with his best bud Nielson in the offseason when he should have been working out 2-a-days with Tony Greco instead. And a tough injury to Lupul added to his shabby first week (offer him to Ryan, I heard the going rate for Lupul is 1 for 1 with Crosby – that will never get old, suck it Tyler). Cloister Garden Clam Hands changed locations and team name. Google served them well this time around (can’t say the same for Joel last year) as Crosby Laichs Little Boyes try to establish themselves as a serious contender taking on the Harlem Bullets. Back and forth matchup all week, exchanging leads many nights. Crosboyes finally gained a hold of the match going into the Sunday with a 5 point lead and many high end players left to suit up. The pull this one out 218.1 to 210.8 a disappointing start for the Bullets as they use a ton of acquisitions to what seemed like they would pick up and drop Galchenyuk every day. But I think the kid is a mainstay on the Bullets roster finally. The Bullets seem to have two goals for this season 1. Win the cloister cup of course 2. Amass an entire roster of Black players. We’re all curious to see if he will still have acquisitions by the end of week 2. Don’t even try to go after Byfuglien, he’s the team captain I wonder how Iginla feels about that. I heard the Pauly Ts are shopping Razor Ray Emery.

A tough first week for the Pauly Ts as they had the unfortunate task of going up against the well dispersed powerful offense of the Camel Toews. Sporting slick new blue jersey with a big fat camel toe don’t let that confuse you, these guys are dangerous defeating the Pauly Ts 292.2 to 247. Unreal draft pick with Tarasenko and potentially Brunner and two solid goaltenders in Halak and Lundqvist, combine that with Pavelski (35.2) Nash (24.1) Kane (29) and Perron (23.3) everyone should be aware of this team for weeks to come. The toughest question the Camel Toews face is with such a powerful offense, who will his keepers be for next year? As an unknown, the Pauly Ts weren’t too highly ranked on Bob Mackenzies power rankings but they sure outperformed this week. If they can just figure out their injury situation and get some more solid play from late round draft picks the Pauly Ts will be a force this year in the CGHL. Gaborik (28.4) Simmonds (26.4) and surprisingly Mr. universe himself Ilya -Eazy Breezy- Bryzgalov put up 21.2. Need to also mention that they drafted a player that should never ever be drafted ever, Kyle Wellwood. If the player isn’t good enough for the Bytown Barbers last year, they sure as hell ain’t good enough to be drafted. And finally the Convent Glen North B’s squeaked by the Blades of Steel and Patrick freaking Marleau (52.6) with a final score of 263.1 to 256.1. The North B’s first overall pick wasn’t so Quick this week playing 4 games and allowing 12 goals. Ryan Miller (23.4) held his own, as well as Clarkson (26.3) and Oshiw (25.8) and we can’t forget Shattenkirk (26.7). It is hard to foresee this team struggling with such a great first week, but I called it from the start, they will finish out of the playoffs. Anyone who drafts Johan Hedberg does not deserve to make the playoffs. A tough injury to the team Captain Callahan might add to their future struggles. A brutal loss for the Blades of Steel who threw everything they had at CGNB, he needs Shea Weber (8.7) to realize that he is Shea Weber and start leading Nashville in points like he seems to do every year. A great early week pickup in Zach Kassian (18.1) may prove vital down the stretch as they try to improve on their measly record from last year with hopes of a playoff spot this year. Gonna be a tight year it seems everyone did a good job drafting. Good luck to this next weeks games, I hope I beat Jeff so I can shut him up for a week and I hope Derek loses every following week. This write up feels insanely long, I guarantee Sabean has only read his paragraph and Ryan’s definitely taking a half hour shit while he reads it that’s been proven to be the best time to get your fantasy scouting in. Some new Jersey’s added to the CGHL this year, if anyone wants a different one just let me know.