Pete Hammond’s guide to livening up the traditional Board Game: Monopoly!

Monopoly was first developed in the year 214 BC by a bunch of wealthy greeks who wanted to build the ideal town. They built a square town and divided it up into equal chunks, the argued with each other over who got what. Eventually one got fed up of constantly having to visit all of the others and having to pay to stay whenever they were invited and so burnt the whole town down. Thus, the first game of Monopoly was played. Much, much later and much more realistically, across the world there are dozens if not hundreds of versions of the game with different properties names relating to the different countries. For example, ‘Boardwalk’ in the U.S.A is called ‘Mayfair’ in the UK. In any case, the basic template for the game is the same no matter where you are or what names are being used. But… hasn’t the game stagnated a little? The game reaches its conclusion time and time again at the family gatherings with numbing inevitability. So! I present to you PeteCorp™’s brand new Rules Mod: Battle Monopoly! This is an additional set of rules for Monopoly that should make the game more interesting for all players, but does require a bit of additional thinking. To that end you will need: Paper! At least one sheet per player Pencils! To write on said paper and in case magic tricks are desired. Erasers! To throw at opponents and to correct writing mistakes. How To Play: 1) Cut a hole in the box Start the game as normal. 2) Apply PeteCorp™ rules. 3) Lolpocalypse commences. 4) Game ends when there is one survivor. Literally. The Additional Rules: Basically, you can now hire minions from your properties that allow you perform various functions to hinder your enemies. Every set has its own type of minion that can perform functions – at a cost to yourself – that can be devastating to your opponents. They follow the standard ‘next turn’ and there are no delays to the act. As currency does change across the nations, I’m putting all costs in MM or Monopoly Money. Sets and options are below.

Brown (2 place set): Goon: Kev Kev is your traditional and stereotypical scumsucking mollusc. He has an unknown and unconfirmed number of children, all of whom are called Kev. He knows how to cheat the system in the best ways possible and actually has more income than a middle-class family, despite this, he insists on wearing dirty Lacoste tracksuits and has a permanent greasy look to his skin. Probably all the takeaway grease. Special Abilities Kev seems to have a massive number of offspring, some only a few years younger than him. For every house you have on the brown properties (not hotels), you automatically gain MM10 per turn. This is your income from the housing benefit owed by Kev. Special Moves (may use one per player turn) “Geeza light, mate?” Cost: MM40 Kev is sent to loiter in an opponents property area. The locals feel harassed and disturbed by this disgusting example of the human race constantly asking people for cigarettes, change for the bus, if they have any drugs or alcohol or just generally stinking up the place. The opponent has to deal with a barrage of complaints from the locals and cannot make any actions involving that property until their next turn. This INCLUDES getting any income from it should another player land on the property, as they are also disgusted and complain too. “It’s like totally mental, innit?” Cost: MM100 Disturbed by the results of the last Football (Soccer) match, Kev and his oiks take to the streets in protest and generally cause some damage. Send Kev to any opponents property that has houses or hotels on it. There they will cause sufficient damage to force the owner to have to repair his properties or face having to rebuild them. Kev himself causes MM100 damage, for every house you have on the Brown properties, he gains an Oik who does an additional MM10’s worth of damage. The Opponent may only receive basic income for his damaged properties (standard rent, no houses) until the repair costs are met.

Blue (3 place set): Goon: Stoner Joe Stoner Joe is a 45 year old man with lank hair and pale skin. He spends most of his time doing one of two things – growing weed and selling weed. In between times he likes to sample his own produce. He’s easily marked wherever he goes due to the perpertual cloud of smoke that follows him, not to mention the smell. More often than not he can be found peddling his ‘remedies’ to anyone who wants them, invariably attracting police attention. Special Abilities Joe is a master of the long-term operation, mainly because he’s always too baked to get anywhere on time. After giving Joe a command, roll a dice. On a roll of a 1-2, Joe arrives late due to having to stop off to deal with an attack of the munchies. The effect is delayed a turn and Joe cannot be used in the next player turn. On a roll of a 3-4, everything functions normally. On a roll of a 5-6, critical success! Joe arrived earlier than expected after accidentally driving through a park that he thought was a motorway, the order lasts TWO player turns at no additional cost. Special Moves (may be used once per player turn): “It’s.. like… whoa” Cost: MM100 Joe cruises through an opponents area, the cloud of smoke from his beat up VW Van getting people stoned through sheer passive smoking effects. Many flee indoors. The police are later called to deal with a great number of people who appear to be under the influence. Until things are cleared up, the opponents special character from that area cannot be deployed in order to keep a low profile. “I got.. like… this thing.. and… what?” Cost: MM75 Joe cruises through an opponents area trying to see if anyone would like to score some of his ‘totally legit, man.. legal medicinal stuff’. Roll a dice, on a 1-3 he doesn’t find anyone, there is no effect. On a 4-6 he does! Half the opponents next profits from that area go to the player.

Pink (3 place set): Goon: Laney Laney is your typical annoying high school brat. After school they like nothing better than to hang out on street corners and generally cause trouble for local residents. In traditional fashion, she can barely spell her own name but somehow manages to memorise all the laws and rights she’s entitled to down to the letter. Special Abilities: Laney frequently gets chased off by the police after causing trouble and is ‘known to them’ as a result. The opponent may pay the police MM100 during their turn in order to chase Laney down. Laney is also part of the Hoodie Squad. Should the police become involved in chasing her, for every house or hotel on the players property, the opponent must pay an additional MM25 to search. If Laney is caught, the player must break her out of jail as if she were a normal player. Special Moves (may use one per player turn): “Chips’n’Curry Sauce!” Cost: MM50 Laney and her friends decide to get a takeaway, but can’t be bothered to finish it. They dump the wrappers in the street, causing a horrible & stinky mess. The residents complain and the opponent must hire a cleaner to tidy it all up at a cost of MM75. If they do not hire the cleaner, the effect doubles by the following turn as the food rots, two cleaners are then required at a cost of MM150. “You can’t say that to me!” Cost: MM200 A passing man made a comment to Laney which she decided to take as an insult. A small scale riot ensues as more and more teenagers turn up to join in. The opponent can call the police at a cost of MM100 to chase Laney, or let the riot dissipate by itself. If they choose to let it disappatte by itself, roll a dice, on a roll of a 6 the riot spreads to the next nearest clockwise property (even if it is friendly to the player). On a roll of a 1, the riot disperses. On a 2-5, the riot continues. Until the riot is stopped, the opponent must pay MM50 per affected property in repairs.

Orange (3 Place Set): Goon: Ol’ Mr.McKirkland Mr McKirkland doesn’t have a first name that anyone knows, but what most people do know about him is that he doesn’t like strangers or troublemakers. I mean he REALLY doesn’t like them. A gang once tried started tagging the buildings around his house once. The locals complained, but the gang was never found. At least nothing that could be identified without a dna test. Special Abilities: Mr McKirkland is a defensive tool for any landlord that’s in his favour. At the start of the players turn, roll a dice. On a 1-5 everything’s fine, on a 6, Mr McKirkland has a disagreement with you and will not accept any orders. Special Moves (may use one per controlling player turn): “This here’s a nice neighbourhood”: Cost: MM50 McKirkland is having a bad day. Today is not a day that you want to cross him on. Any offensive moves made against this territory will result in failure. “Get off my lawn, dammit!” Cost: MM200 McKirkland hates these young people and their modern music, baggy trousers and the like. If an offensive move is made against you, it acts as normal, however when they’re distracted doing whatever it is that they’re doing. He boobytraps their vehicle or backpack. When they return to their home district, it detonates. The enemy player cannot use that goon until they get out of hospital and must pay MM200 to repair damages to their territory. If the player has a series of houses (not hotels) on their properties, one is destroyed.

Red (3 place set): Goon: Greasy Pete & His Fish’n’Chip Shop Mafia Greasy Pete is a local legend, just like this size of his waistband. He owns every takeaway in the area and ruthlessly shuts down any upstart competition by means of his ‘mafia’. By ‘mafia’ I mean ‘family’ and by ‘family’ I mean ‘herd of whales’. Their means of shutting down other business owners has actually included sitting on them to death. Special Abilities: Greasy Petes’ family owns all the take-aways, restaurants and chip vans in the area. For every hotel you own you gain MM10 per turn. Special Moves: “Feed the Chippies” Cost: MM200 Greasy Pete tells his family to go to an opponents area and set up shop. They take over the locals without much trouble then set to killing the locals. Not with guns. With takeaway. After 14 fatal cases of food poisoning, 96 major heart attacks and one person who got the food sweats so bad that he became fatally dehydrated, they are finally shut down. However the net effect was devastating. Roll a dice – for that number of turns the income from those properties is halved until the population recovers. “Major Coronary Event” Cost: MM250 Greasy Pete suffers his 99th massive heart attack this week. In fear that they will lose control, his family crack down on their control of other territories. Until the next controlling player turn, a third of all income from hotels across the board goes to the player.

Yellow (3 place set) Goon: Crazy Ivan. Crazy Ivan only has one eye. He only has one because he took the other one out himself. When asked why, he said that it had been looking at him funny. Ivan has been in and out of more institutions, prisons and hospitals for the criminally insane than even exist, according to himself at least. Though the string of Parole Officers coming to and from his door (usually with all body parts attached) does add some element of truth to it. Special Abilities Ivan is one of the most random serial killers ever. Roll a dice (Ivan will too – roll a second dice to represent this). The difference between the dice is the number of people Ivan has received a command from The Flying Spaghetti Monster to kill. If your dice rolls match, Ivan decides that it’s a command to go on a spree. See ‘Spree’ in his moves. Special Moves: “HANDS! TOO SMALL!” Cost: MM150 Ivan, having received his command to go killing, travels to an opponents area. There he finds the number of victims and cuts off all their hands. The landlord must pay to have the victims house repurposed to be suitable to live in for a person with no hands and pays MM100 Per House and MM150 per hotel to be refitted. Spree: Ivan goes to the area and chops the hands off everyone he finds. The owner must pay to have every building they own in the area repurposed. “That’s MY BRAIN!” Cost: MM300 Ivan, having received his command from above, starts thinking someone else has stolen his brain and that he needs to kill that many people to get it back. Headless corpses start turning up in the opponents area. The police involvement shuts them down completely until Ivan is caught. They gain no income from that territory until their next turn and must pay MM200 per victim for funeral fees. Spree: The enemy player must pay MM100 and MM150 per hotel in funeral fees. Additonally, the controlling player rolls a dice, on a roll of 6 Ivan is not caught and his spree continues in the next clockwise area (even if this is friendly).

Green (3 place set): Goon: Boris, the professional. No one wants to admit it, but no one knows who Boris is. The rumour is that he’s more than one man. Or a woman. Who knows? Either way, he never leaves his house, or his room, or answers his phone. Still, if you need to get word to him, then somehow he hears. Then people turn up dead. Special Abilities: Boris is the impeccable professional. His skills are completely honed to the perfect degree of excellence that only natural born killers have. Boris may use both of his moves in a single turn, though not in the same area. Special Moves: “Boom, Headshot” Cost: MM250 Boris sets up atop a tall building in the opponents area. At the right time, determined by the controlling player when playing this move (e.g declare 3 turns), Boris takes his shot. The targeted player misses their next turn and must start at Go (not collecting any income). They may also not receive any income during their stay in hospital getting the bullet hole patched up. “He’s everywhere!” Cost: MM200 Boris is legendarily able to be in more than one place at the same time. While setting up his Headshot, he can still perform other actions. In this case Boris attacks the goon of the enemy players territory. If the enemy player has made a move with their Goon in the previous turn, the effect happens to themselves as Boris makes it look like a rebellious act that was put down. The goon is then unavailable until the following turn.

Navy (2 place set): Goon: Gentleman Jim, demolitionist extraordinaire. Jim like explosives, and dislikes unattractive buildings. Frequently people both in his own area and further afield find this well dressed gentleman standing outside their newly erected house or shop with a look of disapproval on his face. Hours later, they often find that building exploding. Special Abilities: Jim really doesn’t like unattractive buildings, but understands that some places may well be able to grow and thrive after things are taken down. He is discerning in what he destroys. Roll a dice. This is the maximum number of buildings Jim is able to destroy this turn. (Hotels still count as one) Special Moves (one per turn) “That paint? With that window? That simply won’t do.” Cost: MM50 per building. Jim targets the building and after exhaustively explaining to the owner about why the style is just plain unacceptable… throws a grenade through the window. The building is destroyed in a fiery maelstrom and the enemy player must rebuild from scratch, regardless of the building type (a hotel is still just one building. “I’m sorry, did you paint it Magnolia? REALLY?” Cost: MM500 Jim has flipped. He has decided that all the buildings in this territory are completely disgusting and decides to level the place. ALL buildings in ALL places of that territory are destroyed, however this exhausts Jim’s supply of explosives, he cannot be used for the following two turns.

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