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A FACTORY . I.CONTINUOUS Inside the office are a man and a woman. On the wall is a flag with a swastika on. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see? ILSE Hermann. She screams..NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) Heavy machinery is grinding all around.I’ve come to give you this. long and loud. I. HERMANN Ilse. and a picture of the man giving Himmler bunny ears. ILSE Don’t say anything. dressed in the style of civilians during the second world war. ILSE I’ve come. Our love can never be. dammit. They stand on opposite sides of a long desk. The door of the cupboard swings open. overlooking the factory floor. HERMANN Ilse.. Not unless you tell me what is in that cupboard. horrified.. She puts an engagement ring on the desk.THE OFFICE .FADE IN: INT . We slowly pan up to an office. INT . We see Ilse’s face as she recoils... from what is in side. HERMANN I thought we loved each other.. ILSE So did I. . there’s a war on. So did I. Hermann.
he would be out shattering the dreams of small children.THE STUDIO TALIBAN MASTERCARD. Beat. She laughs gaily. MASTERCARD Does it? Beat. MASTERCARD However. enrapt by clip. MASTERCARD Story? INT . He pauses and places his steepled fingers against his lips as if in deep thought. CAPTION: Taliban Mastercard . there is less of the academic about him. That scene from “Weekend at Adolf’s” shows that.DAY An old lady. the aged ILSE.We cut to the cupboard. sits and addresses the camera. He slightly more smartly dressed than PIXHAM. with an obviously dead expression on his face. MASTERCARD Tell the whole? Beat. powerful stuff. or poking old ladies with a needle. ladies and gentlemen. INT . One gets the feeling that if he were not ‘Against’ something. where Adolf Hitler is leaning. Beat. the “Against” presenter is leaning on his podium. MASTERCARD Powerful stuff. even as a young man. Kowalski had mastered the cinematic form.A LIVING ROOM .Oh so very against. OLD ILSE .
DAY . OLD ILSE He stabbed me. was he nice to children. thinking.A CHILD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY . That was the take he liked. The answer. he could certainly be very demanding. Long pause. the question posterity will ask of him is not how many shots he shot or dollies he dollied. is no. MASTERCARD (off) And did that hurt? She pauses. INT . closer to the audience. INT . TALIBAN MASTERCARD From the mouths of babes.Oh yes. Stratford Kowalski was a cinematic genius. Just out of shot. and I just wasn’t giving him what he wanted. However. it hurt very much. of that there is no doubt. He said the fourth was very powerful. Yes. Fourteen times. So he. That scream you hear was when he stabbed me the fourth time. He just did the other ones to get coverage. but rather.THE STUDIO MASTERCARD is standing in front of his podium. Or dwarves dressed as children.. In the kidneys. I remember one scene in which he wanted me to react to Hitler’s death.. ladies and gentlemen. OLD ILSE Yes. I’m afraid. She pauses and looks into the middle distance. “It hurt very much”. The fourth. MASTERCARD (off) Go on.
and dirty laundry. Not four of the candles. All right? Right. The table is overturned from off-screen. ELAINE Stratford. can’t he presents now? have one of his STRATFORD Elaine. STRATFORD Right. three words: I’m light. You feel wanted and special.. This time. Edward this is the happiest day of your life. and. weeping in front of his birthday cake. INT . losing the STRATFORD (off) Right. MASTERCARD . And rolling. Not six of the candles.. and EDWARD begins to bawl. everybody. you blow out all of the candles. on your cue.Action! Cue blow! EDWARD wipes the snot from his top lip and blows out a quite feeble number of candles. and OLD EDWARD sits amongst piles of foetid pizza-boxes. but all of the candles.A DARK LIVING ROOM . Take 46. 1972” STRATFORD KOWALSKI enters the frame. big smiles.DAY The curtains are drawn. ELAINE KOWALKSKI has her arm around him. and begins lighting the candles in a furious manner.A CHILD is in tears. and yet somehow distanced and alienated by the ritual and ceremony surrounding this meaningless date. CAPTION: Outtakes from home movie “Edward’s ninth birthday. Several other children are huddles in fear nearby. STRATFORD moves behind the camera.
and blows at a fly that has settled on his nose.(V/O) To this day. OLD EDWARD is swatting at the flies around his head. NOAH and MRS NOAH are talking to some of the animals. OLD EDWARD I’m sorry. OLD EDWARD I think someone’s been very naughty. OLD EDWARD (with great meaning) Every good boy deserves favour. MASTERCARD (off) Do you think your father loved you? OLD EDWARD twitches in his seat. to himself. Edward defends his father.. sinisterly.. He claps his hands over it and looks delighted. INT . Kowalski’s work challenging. who are all puppets.A SET OF A CHILDREN’S PROGRAMME . MASTERCARD (v/o) Even in his early work for television. Perhaps his came with this episode of Noah” from 1967. I don’t understand what you mean. was he a kind man? OLD EDWARD begins laughing quietly. MASTERCARD (off) Well. however. children’s was always high-point “Silly Old . He sits back satisfied with himself. There is a long pause.DAY The set has been made to look like Noah’s Ark. indeed.
are they everyone? All of the animals laugh at Noah. He couldn’t bear the sight of corn on the cob. MRS NOAH Silly old Noah. MRS NOAH Grumpy old donkey.DAY MASTERCARD (off) Did your father beliefs? have any political aren’t a OLD EDWARD Oh yes. children running. down village roads. NOAH And cars? MRS NOAH Silly old Noah. SFX: Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” As we get closer to the DONKEY’s eyes we do quick cuts away to: helicopters machine-gunning VietCong. MRS NOAH Colours are things like red and blue. In the pupils of the DONKEY’S eyes is Uncle Sam. burning. It made him think of evil. Donkey.NOAH My favourite colour is carrots. He looks distinctly unamused. laughing in time with the music. Very much so.OLD EDWARD’S LIVING ROOM . Maybe the Donkey would like to help me explain. what’s your favourite colour? We cut to a close up on DONKEY’S face. We begin to close in on the DONKEY’S eyes. INT . an American soldier who has lost a limb. carrots colour. . coffins draped with flags. a tank reading “Agent Orange”.
faster and faster. OLD EDWARD Daddy needs quiet to work. until he discovers a stiff hand. BOY Nooooooo! Nooooooooo! . which has been utterly destroyed. BOY Mama! Mama! He begins to throw rubble to either side of him.DUSK A long. MASTERCARD (v/o) Some felt that his politics intruded too far into his work. Edward. tracking shot through the village. poking through the bricks. chasing rats. He turns his face to the horizon.OLD EDWARD stares very hard at the camera.A RUINED VILLAGE .. MASTERCARD (v/o) Although his radical politics endeared him to many. including this 1984 commercial made during a fallow period in his career. OLD EDWARD Evil.. The boy leaps over broken tables and walls. of a boy running across the rubble Dogs root through the detritus. and you know how dark it is in the cella. The BOY comes to a house. OLD EDWARD keeps staring and nodding. QUICK CUT TO: EXT ... He holds it close and checks the pulse. across fields ruined by enormous footprints.
and said. C/U on all of STRATOCASTER’S face.AN OFFICE . and asked “Daddy. GREEN GIANT (off) Ho ho ho! The boy sinks into himself and begins to weep silently as the “Niblets” logo appears in the bottom-left hand corner of the screen. EXT .. you see? And Stratford just stood there for a second. a middle-aged man in a cravat and beard sits in front of the camera.. He has an old Bostonian accent.DAY Two gladiators. what’s a buccaneer?” He chuckles to himself OMNITHRAX (cont) And so. CAPTION: The Buccaneer (1960) FALCONICUS is chuckling to STRATOCASTER stares at him.And so I said “It’s a hell of a price to pay for corn.. are standing in the centre of the arena. FALCONICUS and STRATOCASTER. looking me straight in the eyes. and sips from a glass of absinthe.DAY CAPTION: Falco Omnithrax . himself about something. and EXTREME C/U of STRATOCASTER’S eyes.Over the horizon a yellow glow can be seen with the top of a gigantic.” Buccaneer. whilst we were talking.Film Critic for the New York Review of Post FALCO OMNITHRAX.A GLADIATORIAL ARENA . . green laurel wreath moving slowly into the distance. A YOUNG BOY stands with them.. INT . OMNITHRAX His son came up one day.
Really. OMNITHRAX he’s dead. MASTERCARD (off) Would you say he was a nice man? OMNITHRAX comes out of his reverie. Falconicus. INT . INT . Here. gesturing as he goes. His is on a machine that goes “Beep” at regular intervals. EXT .A HOSPITAL WARD . really . MASTERCARD Like this giant wicker bee which Kowalski thought would ward off cancer. Perhaps he shakes lightly.DAY MASTERCARD walks through the wood.CONT OMNITHRAX is looking ashen. to the cheering of the crowds.A WOOD . He comes to a stop in front of a gigantic wooden construction. and the clapping of the YOUNG BOY.DAY MASTERCARD is lying in bed with a drip feed coming from his arm. like the back leg of a greyhound on a tightrope. in his estate in Ashby de la Soul he indulged some of his wilder fantasies. I’m glad glad.STRATOCASTER So’s a man’s life. STRATOCASTER cuts off FALCONICUS’ head clean from his shoulders with one swipe of his sword.OMNITHRAX’S OFFICE . MASTERCARD But Kowalski’s eccentricities didn’t end in the vegetable world. OMNITHRAX And that has stayed with me to this very day. So is a man’s life.
OLD EDWARD painstakingly picks them up individually. MASTERCARD (off) Is there any truth in the rumour that your father refused to travel in a car going less than 50 miles an hour in case it blew up? Pause.MASTERCARD Of course it didn’t. The teacup is already overflowing. Not messy. Clean.NIGHT MASTERCARD (v/o) As time progressed all of Kowalski’s work seemed to suffer from the strange world that lived inside his head. OLD EDWARD No. This scene from period drama “Dial M For Menses” was his most complicated to date. Beat. so that more do not spill out. INT . and places them on top of the cup.A PERFECTLY BLACK SCENE . OLD EDWARD screams and hides under the table. OLD EDWARD They have to be kept clean. flinging dead flies across his kitchen. back in their teacup. . A car goes past outside the window. one by one. OLD EDWARD All dry and clean with no mess.DUSK OLD EDWARD is putting dead flies into a teacup. perhaps behind his ears. After a few moments he re-emerges.OLD EDWARD’S KITCHEN . INT . and begins again to put the flies.
SCHWEINHUND I couldn’t agree more. We hear footsteps crossing the room. MAN’S VOICE How dare you! That’s my lizard! WOMAN’S VOICE Oh.. it was coldness.IVAN SCHWEINHUND’S OFFICE .Filmed entirely in natural dark. Magnificent. MASTERCARD (off) What would you say to the charge that Kowalski’s films were cold or sterile. and there is the sound of a door opening and closing. We hear more footsteps crossing the room. the accomplishments included the development of an entirely new kind of lens-cap. He took sterility to places to places it just hadn’t been before.. If there’s one thing Stratford was a master of.or. SCHWEINHUND Bacteria? Non-sterility? MASTERCARD (off) Humanity.. sorry..DAY SCHWEINHUND is looking into camera. Technically dazzling. MASTERCARD (v/o) It is here that some feel Kowalski began to lose us as an audience. Absolutely . Like space. That they lacked warmth or. and it is only the dialogue which reveals where the cracks in Kowalski’s pot were beginning to show. INT . apart from this one scene which required the shipping in of Czechoslovakian dark for the required effect.
Around him prostitutes prostit and beckon. hands clasped in front of his solar plexus. shoes flecked with the bilious fluid his body just couldn’t hold any more was Sir Cliff Richard. MASTERCARD (off) “Yes”? SCHWEINHUND Yes. as she doesn’t have a microphone. he has nothing more to add. may he rest in peace. whilst neon lights flicker in the puddles over which he neatly jumps. OK. MASTERCARD crosses himself. and a BUSTY PROSTITUTE approaches him.A RED LIGHT DISTRICT . that Kowalski was to meet his end.magnificent. I’m speaking metaphorically.NIGHT MASTERCARD is walking down the street. Oh. of course. We hold for a long time on SCHWEINHUND’s face. looking pensive. MASTERCARD . however. I get it. but she makes a gesture which should be suggestive of nothing more than wedging a ferret into a newly-starched pair of trousers. EXT . Pause MASTERCARD (off) And what would you say to those people who think of that as a bad thing? SCHWEINHUND Oh. We cannot hear what she says. smeared in his own vomit and effluent. The only person who has died on this exact spot. I’d say “yes”. MASTERCARD It was here.
MASTERCARD Actually.A BEDROOM .who could forget the controversial “Speedos for Paedos” campaign? Kowalski turned back to his first love. He begins to walk on as the PROSTITUTE slinks back to her corner. who is still at the back of the shot. furnished minimally. His arid.. INT . we’re just.filming at the moment. We can still hear him because his microphone is on. urban apartment. can you just hang on five minutes? Thanks.No. Kowalski was to fail. MASTERCARD (v/o) Again. We see him sidling hurriedly back to the PROSTITUTE. in a spare. MASTERCARD is now very near the camera. are having sex. doggy-fashion. MASTERCARD turns to her very briefly. looking directly into it.. bleak emotionscapes were just .. (back to the audience) After an unsuccessful stint in advertising in the late 1980s . MADELEINE and ARTURO. He walks out of shot. MASTERCARD Do you do Barnyard at all? No? Fishsticks? Double humpty? He sighs..NIGHT A couple. CAPTION: Legs Wide Open (1996) The camera draws closer to them as MASTERCARD speaks. however. MASTERCARD Dirty movies with ladies’ boobies in them.
who continues to thrust mechanically. They continue. She looks over her shoulder at ARTURO. But I you would like it less than you you would. MADELEINE I once made love to a woman with no legs. ARTURO spanks her bottom. He nods and turns to the audience.not what the buying public wanted. MADELEINE still wears her glasses. MADELEINE (flatly) I think you resent me. ARTURO (flatly) Tits or face? INT .THE STUDIO MASTERCARD is watching the last clip on a large screen. MADELEINE Yes. for a few seconds. ARTURO You think a lot of things. think think . Does that bother you? Can you imagine it? ARTURO Are you avoiding talking death of your mother? about the ARTURO grabs MADELEINE’S hair. She stares blankly at the ceiling. and pulls her head back. imagine you with a woman with no I think she would like it. Which is cumshots and anal scenes. MASTERCARD (gesturing over his shoulder) I can legs. Yes I think I probably am. noiselessly.
I’ll just tell the retards something about. None of these things can we take away from him. Tony.Well. MASTERCARD Thank you. you said. it is unsurprising that very few giraffes win Oscars. a great parent and an allround. and more than that. ladies . Estelle.All right. of course.. MASTERCARD I’m just getting something in my ear now. He addresses the audience again... as he rattles through the next speech. His attention returns to the job in hand.guy.A great director. The credits begin to roll across the bottom of the screen. I should think. he was a Directing Man. either. MASTERCARD Running a little short of time. This is.I don’t think they do The Big Breakfast any more.. I don’t think interrupting is very professional.... TONY (v/o) Thought you said you didn’t need this bit scripted. Stanley Kowalski was a man.. MASTERCARD If it is true. it’s. the magic of live television. where your votes will decide whether or not Stratford Kowalski is indeed “For” or “Against”.. It’ll be fine. A Man of Direction.. MASTERCARD comes to a complete halt. but I DO take your point.nice.....Tits.. and a good father.. that a director’s reach should exceed his grasp. ladies gentlemen. Glasses.. as the poet said.OK.. He holds his hand up to his earpiece. and thinks for a good fifteen seconds of something else to say.
to recap. Stratford Kowalski: bad director. There.and gentlemen. or if you go to our website www dot for or aga. Vote Against on 09071 XXXXXX or text DEATH TO KOWALSKI AND ALL HIS FREAKISH FAMILY to 86786.. CUT TO BLACK. Voting costs one pound by phone. So. bad parent.. . 25p by text message. bad person.