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Book 4-Breaking Dawn-Jacob’s POV Parody

Edward’s eyes gleamed in the pale moonlight as he leaned over Bella, his marble
hands lightly touching her flushed cheeks. I sat by the blonde who kept flashing me
dirty looks, muttering obvious insults under her breath. My patience was running
thin. Only Bella’s shallow breathing kept my senses under control...otherwise I
would have probably killed all the parasites by now. I sighed.

“How are you feeling, love?” Edward whispered, barely audible into Bella’s ear. He
brushed a chocolate brown strand of hair away from her rosy forehead, pressing his
lips to it softly. She shuddered. So did I.

“Can’t say I’m doing great,” her mouth hinted at a weak smile, “but with you all
here I’m better than I could be.”

I looked around the dim room—Carlisle and Esme stood hand-in-hand beside Alice,
worried smiles on their usually serene faces. Dumb blonde looked like the rigid,
stick up the—well, you know, that she was; and Emmett was crouched down by the
window, his hands balled into fists. My presence in this house does that to people,
I’ve noticed. A small trail of cool air leaked through the partially opened window.

“Jacob—Jacob’s here...” Bella suddenly gasped, her voice small and hardly
recognizable. I turned my gaze to her, nodding.

“Yeah, hey Bells...I thought you might want an old friend around...” I forced a smile,
saddened that this was the first time she had acknowledged my presence since my
arrival, three hours ago. I crossed my legs, leaning forward in the green chair.

“What, you’re not gonna come over here!” she grinned, reaching her small, fragile
hand out toward me. Edward looked slightly peeved at the fact which is probably
why I decided to go over to her. Warm brown eyes sparkled back at me, even in the
dark; I sank down next to her, grasping her hand—it was so hot I felt my body

“I hope you feel better real soon...” I sighed, leaning my head down on her shoulder.
A sensation swept through me as I felt her hot skin against my cheek—Blondie
cleared her throat from across the room but I ignored her as usual. Bella delicately
squeezed my hand and I felt my eyes tear up.

“Do you think I could talk to Jacob alone?” She looked at Edward, who by now was
as stiff as his sister—his eyes a gleaming topaz—his features sharper than usual.

“Bella, love—I actually wanted to talk to him, if you don’t mind...” he moved swiftly
to her side, a sliver of moonlight streaking across his face. I raised my head from
her feverish hand as his eyes pierced mine.
“What do you want, buttsucker?” I asked as I struggled to keep myself under

“...What did you just call me?” His voiced quivered as his eyebrow rose to a
sharpened degree. I coughed.

“I said bloodsucker...”

Edward’s brow furrowed as he leaned toward me, rather gracefully for a guy. I
couldn’t help but notice his left pant leg tucked up behind his black Pumas,
revealing the argyle on his stitched yellow sock.

“That’s...what I thought you said...” his pale face only inches from mine; maybe
centimeters. His breath made a cool wave on my face, and it smelled like Fritos.
Bella stirred from behind me, her hand reaching up to my tattered jacket.

“Jacob...” she started, as Edward whipped around, kneeling at her side. His icy
hands gripped her as he entwined his white fingers with hers, leaning down to
whisper. His underwear band was showing—and not that I intentionally looked at it
or anything, but it said Victoria’s Secret on the waist—and I was officially more
uncomfortable around him than I had ever been before.

“I have some business to settle with Jacob—I promise it will be quick, but for now,
let him go.” I heard his low, raspy voice. Bella’s eyes trailed up to mine and I knew
she didn’t feel comfortable with this. I didn’t blame her—I would’ve killed that creep
by now if it weren’t for her love undying love for it. Er—him.

“Alright...but...please keep it together...” she whispered—directly at me. I

intentionally shook a long strand of my charcoal hair into my eyes to hide my anger.
I think she knew.

Edward leaned over even farther to kiss his beloved on the cheek—and I swear you
could see his butt-crack. I couldn’t stop was so...graphic... How can he
not know that his butt is showing—for God’s sakes it’s freaking 30 below in here!
Doesn’t he feel a breeze!? My mind wondered, and until Edward’s sharp face
whipped around towards me, I had forgotten he could read minds. He yanked up his

“Come, let’s go...” his voice cut through the air in a tone that made me shiver. I
followed suit to his furious pace, through the living room and out the open door.

A rush of icy air stung my face as I nearly tripped over a high heel on the porch—
damn high heels by the way—and shoved my hands in my jeans pockets as I hurried
after Edward.

Trees towered over us, the moonlight spilling over their tops and giving them a
bluish-silver quality; I could tell Edward was impatient because he didn’t look once
at the scenery, only me.
“I want you to know—that this is the last thing I’d ever want to admit...” he started,
still a razor quality to his voice. I glanced down at his tucked in pant leg, having a
dire urge to fix it. I squeezed my hand into a fist, trying to resist, “But there is
something. Something so prevalent—that I have no choice...”

I swear that yellow, argyle sock was seriously pissing me off. And there was writing
on it—I couldn’t tell what it said, so I leaned down to get a better look. ‘Course, me,
being 6’ 7”, it was a little awkward.

“What in God’s name are you doing?” His breath made a puffy cloud in the
atmosphere—I quickly stood, a sheepish look playing across my face.

“Your, uh—your says ‘This wasn’t always on my foot!’ ... and it’s distracting
me...” I muttered, standing back up and folding my arms across my chest. “I mean,
what does that even mean?” my eyebrows arched in his direction, “It wasn’t always
on your foot? Sure, okay, so it wasn’t...but where else would it be?”-- His eyes
gleamed with embarrassment as he quickly bent down, yanking his designer jeans
over it.

“As I was saying...” he glared, and I could feel his anger giving off into the night. I
took a step back just to play it safe, “I wanted to know if...”

I stopped listening as my eyes caught view of a bleach stain on his jean pocket. It
wasn’t very big—probably the size of a penny...but it had a distinct shape that sort
of reminded me of a butt.

“....and the trip...” I heard, but my mind was still focused on the butt-shaped stain. I
really couldn’t was a disease. The little ruffles in his denim were uneven as
well, which made me feel annoyed. And it only made the butt-shaped stain look
even weirder.

“ are you up for it?” his voice rose, and his Frito breath blew into my nostril once
again. I gagged, trying to remember what it was he actually had just said.

“Sorry, could you repeat that?” I asked, blowing warm breath onto my frozen hands.
He looked highly impatient with me as he turned his face toward the sky. The sound
cars on the road off in the distance brought his gaze back to me.

“I said—“ he squinted, concentrating his glare, “I am going to the Chevron to get

Bella some Pamprin® for her PMS cramps, and I was wondering if you’d like to

I tilted my head, slightly confused. Was he seriously being...nice to me?

Contemplating all the reasons, I couldn’t see any trap or danger in this—yet I
couldn’t see why he was so intent on having me come along. I squinted at the butt-
shaped stain.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt—“ I started, my face breaking into a smirk, “Since I know
Bella best.”
His mouth tightened—and he quickly turned towards his Volvo, “Come on, then.” he
said, sounding as if he was already starting to regret it. But I didn’t really care.

The headlights of his magnificently sexy car shone through the trees, illuminating
the gloomy driveway out toward the main road. Little raindrops hit the glass
windshield, splashing against it. I leaned my head on the head-rest. It was a good
thing I couldn’t see the stain in the dark, or else I don’t know if I could’ve kept
myself together.

Part 2: Dance with Me (3 Years Earlier)

(Bella’s POV)

Edward’s room was spectacular—with one exception; the room. I hadn’t noticed it
really before but it was built similarly to that of a 12-year-old girl’s. There was a
walk-in closet big enough to store an elephant in, a shoe-rack built for a diva such
as Alice, and flowered wallpaper that reminded me of fairies and magical things; not
at all a turn on. I was stupid to expect much else out of Edward.

“This is where I reside...” he gestured, raising his eyebrows as if expecting

appraisal. If there was one aspect of the room that I might have liked, it was the
piles of CD’s and records that lined his floor. I found myself curious as I walked over
to his silver CD player.

“What have you been listening to?” I asked, my fingers tracing over the smooth
‘play’ button. He smiled crookedly as I pressed it.

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And they’re like, it’s better than yours

Damn right, it’s better than yours

I could teach you but I’d have to charge!”

The beat rocked the boom box, sending shivers down my spine. His topaz eyes
gleamed as he took my hand. I flipped out.

“What are you doing?”

His smile grew even more mischievous as he reached for my other hand, the ice of
his skin increasing my shivering state.

“Will you dance with me, Bella Swan?”

His velvet-smooth voice encompassed me, but somehow the music was ruining the

“Um...Edward...the music is a little—uh—“ I struggled to find the right words. Awful,

perhaps? Awkwardly disturbing?

I felt his eyes on me, as if they were burning a hole in my back. It was

“Say it,” he started, a rugged edge to his voice that made me all the more nervous,
“Out loud. Say it.”

“The music’s...!” I sputtered, biting my lip. “It’’” I gulped at

the last word. A low, inhuman snarl came from his throat as his icicle hands gripped
mine. My stomach lurched as he spun me around, a malicious grin spreading across
his perfect lips. The topaz of his eyes burned into mine, creating a picture I’d never

“You really shouldn’t have said that.”

I stepped back, a little confused. “Edward, you just told me, and I quote, “Say it, out
loud, say it”—so I did. Now you’re telling me that I really shouldn’t have said that?”

“Just because I said to say it...” he tilted his head and caressed my face with an icy
fingertip, “Doesn’t mean that I meant for you to do so...”

“But, Edward—“ I protested just as soon as he winked and cupped his hand over my

“Come, I have something to show you,” his voice was gentle as he scooped me up
and soon everything went into swirls and all I felt was wind on my face and his iron
grip around me.