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The News from Malabar

***Over 100 Served!!!***

Vol. 2, No. 17. Dishing up news about vegetables and vagabonds since 2011. Close examination of the fungus showed that it had a pocked, cratered surface that only intensified it's resemblance to the earth's natural satellite. In view of the death of Neil Armstronga native of Wapakoneta, Ohio, an area where the News has a few subscribersJordan says that the giant puffball mushroom is a quiet, beautiful salute from nature to the intrepid astronaut who should be forever honored as the first among us to take our path to other worlds in the sky, where some day many more of us and our children shall follow. One giant leap for mankind, indeed. Tuesday, September 4, 2012 load them onto trucks for new farms and new destinations. My father-in-law, who spent a lifetime farming the fertile land he called home, passed away last fall just a few days after he finished planting his winter wheat. His family, including his widow, has spent the last few months preparing for the auction to divest themselves of property no longer needed there.

A giant puffball mushroom popped up at the Malabar Farm Hostel in Lucas right after the passing of astronaut Neil Armstrong. The natural monument can be seen in the hostel's back yard.

Mini-moon salutes late Armstrong

LUCAS Followers of News editor Mark Jordan's Facebook posts may have spotted his rant last week about the spotty coverage in the national media about the passing of U.S. astronaut and first human being to walk on the surface of a celestial body other than earth, Neil Armstrong. Particularly firing the editor's ire was seeing Armstrong's death preempted by coverage of a drug-abusing bicyclist with the same last name, who was in the process of being stripped of some race titles. To summarize Jordan's position on the woes of this other Armstrong: Who cares? We're talking about the first human being to walk on the moon, people. But, happily for the foultempered hostelier, a sort of cosmic balance was achieved, by the editor at least, when he stepped out on to the back deck of the H.I. Malabar Farm hostel this week and saw a miniature moon sitting in his yard. The moon was a puffball mushroom, about a foot in diameter, that had sprung up in the hostel yard.


The auction will take place this Saturday.

Farm implementsthe tools of a lifetime spent working the landare readied for auction in southern Wood County, Ohio, by the family of the late Bob Dibling.

Monuments to a farming life

By Carl Hunnell Special to The News

A long row of freshly washed and cleaned tractors, wagons, trailers and some aging farm implements are lined up outside a bright red barn in southern Wood County, seemingly eager to be fired to life and taken into the field. Its a wonderful rural picture until you learn the next time those powerful machines move it will be to

It was hard, physical work made even more difficult by our collective memories of the painful loss that led to our efforts. My father-inlaw had planned to retire last fall and would have been involved in the auction preparation. But his death left us all on our own and also led to the sale of far more items than planned. Instead of just farm implements, we prepared a mountain of his tools, his mammoth pickup truck, snowplow, mowers and a seemingly endless collection of other items he used during his life. We have all helped to clean out the closet, bedroom or even home of a loved one after their death. But this was different. This was a farm. This was a life deeply rooted in the soil. These were the tools of a man who never saw a job he couldnt do or a problem he could not figure out how to solve. Every wrench, every hammer, every bolt and nut, all of them were pieces of job-gold in the hands of a

family patriarch who spent his life helping anyone with whom he came in contact. As we worked, we could see him smiling down from the seat of his tractors. We could hear his laugh standing in front of his well-used barn workbench. We could smell the oil, the gas, the rubber, the seed, the fertilizer. Every human sense was impacted as we worked. Our efforts came over a series of long weekends. There were several barns and sheds to empty and clean. We had to powerwash large machinery. We had to wipe down smaller items. We had to replace flat tires on some older pieces. We had to hitch implements and haul them to the proper position for the sale.

Dr. Douglas Palmer, left with notepad, speaks with students enrolled in Walsh University's Global Learning program. The group kicked off their course of study with a trip to Malabar Farm State Park, staying overnight at the hostel, exploring the park, and holding classes.

hostel and roamed all over the grounds of the park as Palmer illustrated and discussed various points and concepts with the group. Various sections of the Global Learning students will experience hands-on learning in Rome, Italy, Kisubi Brothers University College in Uganda, and Moshi, Tanzania. For further information about Walsh University's Global Learning program, visit their website at

Walsh University students take on Global Learning

LUCAS Students from Walsh University in Canton, Ohio, visited Malabar Farm last week to kick off the school's brand new Global Learning program, a curriculum mixing world cultures, sustainable living, and on-site learning. According to program executive director Dr. Douglas Palmer, the program will give students opportunities to travel around the world for part of their studies, including stays in Europe and Africa, as well as numerous outings closer to home, such as the expedition to Malabar. Where better to kick this off than at Malabar Farm? Palmer said, citing both the place's historical importance as an epicenter of activity regarding sustainable agriculture due to the activities of Louis Bromfield, and also its natural beauty. This is my favorite place in the entire state of Ohio, Palmer said. Palmer was amused by the students' less-than-outstanding first stab at learning how to feed themselves efficiently, which they will have to do in many of the less affluent places the students will go. Challenged to feed the entire group of almost 20 people with just $10, the students came back with the fixings for spaghetti... and an enormous pile of Twizzlers. The group held classes at the

Odd birds spotted at farm pond

PONDBURGH New birds tend to move into the working farm pond at Malabar during the spring. But this week saw the introduction of two new visitors, though only time will tell if they become permanent. First, and arguably more significantly, Malabar Farm Hostel visitor Mike Meiser spotted a water bird swimming and extensively diving at the working farm pond Sunday morning. Meiser, a frequently visitor and noted afficianado of the ducks and geese, was delighted to find a new pal at the pond.

From old to new, the pieces of equipment will now find their ways to other farms, where the work will go on.

It was a labor of love. A labor of respect. A labor to honor a man who dedicated his life to his family, his friends and the earth. It will be sad to watch the items be auctioned off on Saturday. At the same time, it will be good to know this machinery and these tools will again be put to work to benefit a family, their friends and Mother Earth. I think my father-in-law would have wanted it that way.

Pleasant Valley's resident meteorologist Alberta Clipper says: If everybody goes out into their front yards and blows really hard in an easterly direction early this morning, we should be able to move the remnants of Hurricane Isaac out a little ahead of schedule, and have a fairly pleasant day. So, there it is. You've been tasked. Get out there and blow.

New working farm pond visitor spotted by alert hostel guest Mike Meiser.

Hostel manager M. Jordan thought at first that the bird was the occasionally seen green heron, but closer photographic inspection revealed that the bird was bigger than the green heron, with a longer neck, though smaller than the great blue heron frequently seen at the pond. Dark brownish-gray in color, the mystery bird featured a prominently

hooked yellow beak. Consultation with bird books at the hostel eliminated all possibilities except the double-crested cormorant, even though adults of that species are normally black. The squared, hooked beak, the orange throat patch, and the bird's curious beak-up posture while swimming clearly marked it as a cormorant. Further checking in the books suggested that the bird is a juvenile double-crested cormorant, common summer visitors to the Great Lakes, though not commonly spotted this far inland. Considering the local preponderance of geese, ducks, herons, and now cormorants, it was surely inevitable that a crane would join the pond community.

Twisted History
with Professor Petee

Today's Lesson Furry fat fellow Plan: feeds on farm food

(LUCAS) No, this isn't another article about Farmer Jordan eating garden goodies. It is about the critter above, the latest freeloader to take up residence near the hostel porch. He is one of three groundhogs who reside in the drainage ditch just north of the hostel's driveway. The hogs originally lived just up Bromfield Road, beneath the kiosk which is used for storage. Seeing the steady stream of well-fed ducks, geese, squirrels, chipmunks, and what not, the groundhogs decided to relocate. For the moment, they seem to have replaced the raccoons and skunks.

A Fanny, uncovered
I was scouting around to find a topic for today and decided to visit the History Channels Today in History and found out that on this day, August 22, in 1902, a Farmer published a cookbook that has left us a behind-the-scenes testament to the fine culinary delights that can be furnished by removing the posterior remains of road kill and serving it up in whatever way possible to disguise the type of nourishment being supplied by the cook. This Farmer disguised not only her meals, but also herself, by wearing a nurses cap, donning a white nurses blouse, and judging by the picture below dabbing white paint on her hair to make herself look motherly and older. But she drank vile concoctions as she trained her unwitting dupes how to cheat people out of their hard-earned money by supplying slop that even a road kill victim wouldnt eat.

Crane spotted perching on the bridge this week at Malabar Farm State Park.

The crane was spotted Thursday morning by Ivana Byrd, President-for-Life of the Pleasant Valley Pheasant Pluckers and Avian Haven Society. It was perched on the bridge, Byrd chirped. I'm not sure what it was doing. It was either building a nest, or taking one apart. She added that though it is a very large bird, it apparently weighs less than 16 tons, as the sign next to it on the bridge prohibits anything larger. When asked if she thought the crane could read, Byrd narrowed her eyes and told the News reporter that he was getting mighty uppity for a young 'un. ***

JillY Bean's
Picture of the Week

Do not write below this line. --------------------------------------(Institutional use only)

Jill reports that her hummingbirds are beginning to migrate for the season. Though she has had as many as twenty hummers at a time hovering around her numerous feeders, she said that the only ones remaining at this point are young ones, like the bright-eyed boy pictured above. Soon even they will migrate south, to return next spring. Jill Poloni reports from The News at Malabar's Washington, D.C. news bureau, located just outside the beltway in Ashburn, Virginia.

Fanny Farmer shown toasting a gullible new apprentice in the oh-so-fine art of butt boiling, also known as rump roast. Fanny is the one with the pinch mark.

The Farmer was born in Boston in 1857, an early on learned

that her mother and father didnt like her as they fed her table scraps that caused her to have a paralytic stroke at the age of seven. When she was finally able to speak and move reasonably well, her parents, sent her to cooking school to help her understand how food should be made and teach them, as they were tired of eating out at fast food restaurants and becoming obese. Turns out Farmer's first name was Buttreece, though she called herself Lill, but everyone knew her as Fanny, and that's what stuck. By the way, her parents last name was in fact Fanny and they decided that if everyone called their daughter Fanny, then they couldnt let them call her Fanny Fanny, so, as a joke, they thought if she could cook what farmers made or raised, shed have a pretty funny name that actually had their name (but not as her first name so no one would figure out she belonged to them). Well, as it turned out, Fanny got the last laugh, as her parents didnt follow her cooking instructions, but continued down their road to ruin by continuing the fast food diet. Meanwhile, Fannys actual fannies turned into a thriving business (and who would have thought fannies are good for you) and to this very day, her book is still being published and schools that teach her cookery and crookery continue to appeal to the lower end of the class structure in America.
Mike Petee is a Knox County songwriter, playwright, band leader, and humorist. We're impressed with this brand spanking new column and how he quickly got to the bottom of this Fanny story. Granted, his approach is rather cheeky, but it's certainly a handful. If the columnist has made as ass of himself, we can only stand behind him, though not directly behind him, and applaud him for potentially making himself the butt of jokes, especially after readers find out that he once aspired to become a Rear Admiral in the navy, no ifs, ands, or... exceptions.

newspaper still in business in the United States, after the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and Grit. Publisher Mark Sebastian Jordan revealed his strategy for taking on Grit at a Monday news conference. Is Grit really still out there? Jordan asked, rhetorically. I haven't seen an issue of that paper since I was a kid. Whatever the case, we're going to hunt down those kids selling Grit and throw their newspapers in mud puddles. Once we're in a strong number three position, our strategy will be to call up the Wall Street Journal repeatedly and ask them if their refrigerator is running then telling them to go catch it. Once this drives them out of business, it will definitely make us number two.

flower, he has seen them frequently over the years and heard anecdotally that when they bloom, even though it is still in the hottest part of late summer, it means that the first frost will follow in six weeks. This year, the frost flowers bloomed early, in mid-August. If the pacing of natural rhythms is on target, that would mean we'd get our first frost as early as late September. Of course, the way our seasons have been jumping the gun and then backtracking lately, that would be about par for the course. If anyone knows what kind of flowers these are, drop us a line. And if the editor gets around to it, this might be a good time of year to do an article about weather forecasting folklore.

Recipe File
From Michelle Marie Jordan, of Columbus, Ohio:

Parmy Zucchini Slabs O' Joy

Ingredients: *Zucchini, 1 cup, sliced into flatish 1/2" thick rectangles *Parmesan, grated, 1 tbsp or so *Some salt, some pepper *Some butter, melted Directions: Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil, then coat with some non-stick cooking spray/oil. Place the zucchini slices out on the pan, then drizzle them with the butter. Sprinkle on the parmesan cheese and then pop it in the oven. Broil for a few minutes, until the cheese starts to brown. Oh my god. Enjoy!
The News from Malabar is published by Mark Sebastian Jordan because it is both cheaper and more effective than professional therapy. All material is copyright 2012 by Mark Jordan, except that contributors retain their own copyrights. Contributors include Carl Hunnell, Mike Petee, Jill Poloni, Michelle Jordan, and Nancy Nixon, and they can also be rented for parties. This newsletter does not represent the official views of the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, Hostelling International, nor should it be mistaken as the platform for a major political party, though those are outstanding examples of humorous fiction, too.

The flowers which bloom every late summer at the editor's parents' house are forecasting an early frost this year.

Mysterious flower forecasts early frost

(MANSFIELD) If the editor of this little rag hadn't been forgetful, he would have run the above photo an issue or two ago. It shows a kind of flower, perhaps of the lily family (can anyone identify it more specifically?), which blooms at the height of late summer at the house of the editor's parents, Lloyd and Violet Jordan, who live north of Mansfield, Ohio. Lloyd Jordan says that while he doesn't know the name of the

Subscriptions top 100

(LUCAS) The News from Malabar announced this week that its subscription base has now topped 100 people, making it the fourth largest