Note from Patricia Backora: Brother Bobcat asked me to share the transcript of this

dynamic Sunday sermon with y’all, so you could hear HIS side of the Great Tithing
Controversy. Enjoy!

Tithe or You’ll Fry in Hell
Excerpted from a Theological Dissertation by
Dr. Fester K. Bobcat, Senior Pastor @ Woodshed Worship Center
4556 Beltline Road
Buckaroo, Texas

©2013 Dr. Fester K. Bobcat
Published by
Redbutt Books
Wazoo, Texas 710%$
ISBN (Ain’t got one, it’s a govt. plot to spy on me)
Woodshed Worship Center website still under construction

Frustrated Fester
A Buckaroo Bugle “People in Power” Cartoon Commentary

“Ahem! Today on this Lord’s Day I’ll be sharing a few gold nuggets
from my explosive new book: Tithe or You’ll Fry in Hell, published by
Redbutt Books. This book is now available in our bookstore for $12.37.
Our website is still under construction. It ain’t available online yet. If
our computer nerd ever finishes his coffee break and gits our new
website up and runnin’, I’ll tell y’all the new site address and book link
later. For the time being this book is available for purchase ONLY here
in the Nightmare Nebula Dimension, though its message is for all
believers everywhere in the good Lord’s universe.
“Here’s a taste of Chapter One, entitled ‘Don’t Hide Behind the Cross’.
Now I’ve heard some scary rumors floatin’ around Cyberspace that a
few weirdos out there actually think tithin’ was done away at the
Cross, just like supercision. But that’s a load of baloney. God did
away with Jewish food laws, but it don’t pay the church mortgage just
‘cause you don’t eat bugs and snails. God don’t need you to offer up
no pollocks on his altar no more. But He still needs your LETTUCE to
keep His church from goin’ bankrupt. So you’d better pay your loving
Heavenly Father what He’s worth or He’ll slap you with every curse
written in the Book of Melchisedek. If you come down with B.S.E. for
withholdin’ yore tithe, don’t come cryin’ to me, mister.
“Jesus died to save y’all from goin’ to hell for failure to tithe
BEFORE you got saved! Just like He paid for every time you used to
visit the bordello on Bourbon Street. But that don’t mean you can go
out and party all night with hookers just because you got forgiveness
for all the fun you had in the past. Likewise, refusin’ to pay yore tithe

after you git saved brings you back under the curse of the Law for
disobedience to God’s commandment to submit to those who have the
rule over you, as Hebrews 13:17 commands. Every time you refuse to
do whatever God’s anointed rulers say, you’ve rebelled against God’s
commandment to submit to pulpit ministers, because submission
means UNCONDITIONAL obedience to God’s duly anointed authority.
So if we order you to tithe, sir or madam, you’d better do it or hell will
be your home for all eternity!
“And one thing’s for sure.
If any of y’all don’t pull yore weight
around here and pay yore fair share, y’all can’t consider this your
spiritual home no more! And if you don’t like it, you stingy deadbeat,
you can LEAVE, STEVE! Take a powder, Howard! You can split, Dick!
Just hit the road, Joe! And if you’re too chicken to go out the front
past my ushers, you can slip out the back, Jack, ‘cause till you start
payin’ the Lord, we don’t never want to see yore ugly face around here
no more!”
“For further spiritual enlightenment on the subject, read with me in
Hebrews chapter 10, verse 26:
For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the
truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,
27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation,
which shall devour the adversaries.
28 He that despised Moses' law died without mercy under two or three
29 Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought
worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath
counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an
unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?
30 For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I
will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his
31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
“There you have it, folks. Based on the passages I’ve just quoted,
the only logical conclusion we can reach is if we tell y’all to tithe and
you refuse to do it, you’re robbin’ the Savior Who suffered to pay for
your sins and you’ve just lost your salvation because you proved
you’re too stingy to pay for your home in heaven.
“Now we’ll comment on Chapter Two of my book, entitled: ‘Why Did
Peter Kill Ananias and Sapphire?’ Turn with me now to Acts 5, startin’
with verse one:

But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphire his wife, sold a
2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and
brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.
3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to
the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?
“For the sake of time, we’ll skip on down to verse 5 to git to the gist of
this passage.”
5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost:
and great fear came on all them that heard these things.
“See? Look at what happened to Ananias for holdin’ back money that
belonged to the church and not to him! Peter got so mad he put a
curse on Ananias and he dropped dead! And Peter did the same to his
wife too, who hid their money in a privy to keep Peter from gittin’ at it.
Let’s read more on this in Acts 5 verse 6.
And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and
buried him.
7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not
knowing what was done, came in.
8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so
much? And she said, Yea, for so much.
9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to
tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have
buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.
10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the
ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying
her forth, buried her by her husband.
11 And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as
heard these things.
“Twice we read how great fear fell on the whole church because
stingy folks weren’t payin’ God His tithe, so He struck ‘em dead for it.
And I betcha anything Ananias’ wife wanted extra money for a new
dress so that’s why she didn’t let Ananias pay his tithe. In my
experience it’s always some silly woman behind the moral failure of
every man.
“Some smart alecks point out that the word ‘tithe’ appears
nowhere in Acts 5. But haven’t you ever heard of reading between the
lines? God thought you’d be smart enough to figger it out yourself,
that’s why He didn’t spell out all the details. Tithing, as such, is not

mentioned in the Ananias and Sapphira passage. But just because
something ain’t exactly spelled out as a sin in Scripture don’t make it
right. It’s a sin to wear a beard to church. Every idiot’s smart enough
to figger that one out. That goes for non-tithing as well.
“I’ll give y’all a good example. When you read a scripture that
admonishes you not to lust after wily women, the sin of pornography is
strongly implied in that ammunition, even though Scripture doesn’t
exactly call a porn video a sin because ancient sinners hadn’t figured
out how to invent it yet. In the same way, non-tithing is strongly
implicated in Acts chapter 5 as being THE sin that sent those two
backsliders to a devil’s hell.
“Mister money-grubber, if you don’t cough up the cash you owe
God, somebody’ll be haulin’ YOU out the back door in a pine box. But
don’t count on me showin’ up to preach yore funeral, ‘cause I won’t be
lookin’ up to praise the Lord for takin’ you home, I’ll be starin’ down at
the ground wonderin’ how you’re doin’ without an air conditioner. For
some of y’all, workin’ in the devil’s coal mines after you die will be the
ONLY time you welfare moochers have ever worked for your livin’ in
your whole miserable life!
“Movin’ on to Chapter Three, that one’s called ‘The REAL
Unpardonable Sin’. Now the reason why Ananias and Sapphira got
zapped by Peter was they lied to the Holy Ghost in order to avoid
payin’ their tithe to Peter, who represented God on earth. Some folks
say I’m down on the Catholics, but I do agree with them that Peter,
and a few others, represented Christ on earth, so they were entitled to
live off the sweat of other people’s brows. Ananias wanted Peter to
preach to him, wipe his nose when he cried, and answer his calls at
three in the morning when he had a nightmare. But Ananias didn’t
want to pay Peter’s professional fee so he told the Holy Ghost his
credit card was maxed out, though Ananias had a billion bucks stashed
away under his outhouse floorboards for a rainy day.
“Kinda reminds me of that guy in the Old Testament, Acorn! Yeah,
that was his name. He hid counterband loot under the floorboards of
his pup tent. Well, poor Joshua got his tail whipped in the battle of
ABC, I think that’s what it was called. And old Josh wondered why God
didn’t give him the victory. Well, God showed him somebody was
hoardin’ a holy bar of silver and a fancy designer jacket that belonged
to the enemy, and that’s why Izrul didn’t win the battle. Nobody was
supposed to keep that stuff. So Joshua exy-cuted the whole Acorn
clan for the crime of stealin’ what was God’s.
“Another time, Izrul was at war with the Philistines. Them
Philistines, well, they got ahold of God’s treasure box, and ain’t nobody
was even supposed to touch it. They all came down with asteroids,
and there weren’t no proctologers back then to treat that condition.

And nobody’d ever heard of Proposition H. Finally, those guys wised up
enough to figger out they owed God a big fine for keepin’ what
belonged to him. So they melted down some gold. Then they made
golden goiters and golden guinea pigs to give as a peace offering, so
they could get healed up from the asteroids.
“Folks, there ain’t nothin’ scarier than layin’ in your bed at night
feelin’ your heart go thumpety-thump, the sweat pourin’ down your
face, your arms and legs a’twitchin’, feelin’ like you drove God away for
the very last time, and you’re nothin’ but a dead man walkin’ who’s
about to head south to satan’s Easy Bake Oven for all eternity. And all
that for not payin’ your tithe.
“When I was little, there were times I knew I’d driven my daddy
past the limits of his patience, and he was out by the barn huntin’ for a
tree branch as tall as a telephone pole. I’d run around the yard five or
six times till he finally caught up with me. I’d beg for forgiveness, but
there were times I’d done something so ornery I knew there would BE
no forgiveness, and I was cruisin’ for a bruisin’ and achin’ for a
breakin’. When my daddy forgave me, which he hardly ever did, my
gluttonous maximus breathed a sigh of relief. But most of the time, I
got punished instead of forgiven. ‘Unforgivable’ means just that. God
will NOT forgive you for withholdin’ your tithe from the church where
you’re bein’ fed spiritually and growin’ like a weed at His expense.
“Now, on to Chapter Four, ‘Love Doesn’t Count the Cost.’ How
many of y’all love Jesus? Raise yore hands. What if my wife needed
money to git a tummy tuck and I told her I didn’t have the cash for it
when I did? What would that say about my love for my own wife?
“It just so happens we need holographic image generators to
make Christ come alive in the Sunday School rooms. And we need
bionic boomboxes for the orchestra. The sound system’s gittin’ a little
ragged around the edges too. And our TV satellite bill is sailin’ through
the roof. Don’t you know Jesus is cryin’ ‘cause y’all are too stingy to
pay yore tithe so you can provide these things for Him?”
“The woman with the Alabama box of spiked ointment wasted it on
Jesus’ head and feet, although she could’a sold the stuff on EBay for a
fortune and bought billions of beans with it to feed poor welfare
scroungers. You say some poor homeless bum on the street deserves
your tithe and offering more than I do. But he don’t have no overhead
to pay like us TV preachers, so who needs your money more?
“Which brings us to my commentary on Chapter Five: ‘Who’s
Entitled to Yore Tithe?’ Some of y’all have got the notion that it’s up to
YOU to decide where to pay yore tithe. But what if you decided to pay
your light bill to the milkman? What if you ate at some fancy
restaurant and decided to pay McDonald’s instead? Why, there’d be
hell to pay and they’d haul you off to the funny farm. You git yore

spiritual food from me, your spiritual dad, so it’s ME you gotta pay,
week in and week out. You don’t go over to the Hairy Krishnas to git
your spiritual batteries recharged, you come to Woodshed Worship
Center. So if you can’t pay what you owe, git out and go some place
cheaper. If you don’t appreciate my spiritual grub enough to pay for it,
“Some of you take your precious tithe money and donate it to
Goodwill’s or the Skid Row Flophouse down on Dump Street. You give
it to the food bank ‘cause you think the tithe was used to provide food
for the poor. Well, it may have helped feed the poor back in the Old
Covenant, but we’re under a better testament now. That means yore
tithe should go to a better class of people. Know what I think? After
2,000 years of Christians takin’ up collections for poor people, it’s high
time we rich got our fair share as well.
“If Jesus really was the Lord of your life you’d let HIM decide where
your tithe money went to. He commands Christian to dump double
honor on preachers that expertly expand on the Word of God. That
means you should be forkin’ over TWICE as much as usual, not less.
“Let’s look at Chapter Six: ‘Is the Tithe on the Net or Gross?’ A
lot of yellow belly wimpy crybabies out there in my congregation come
up to me and say they’ve gotta tithe only on their net income, ‘cause
by the time they git government taxes taken out, along with food,
rent, child care, utiliies, Uncle Joe’s funeral and everything else they
think they can’t live without, they’re lucky to have two bucks left in
their wallet.
“TOUGH BEANS, BUSTER! God gave us six working days in the
week and twelve hours in each working day, so that’s 72 whole hours
every week you could work! GIT AN EXTRA JOB, YOU LAZY SLOB! You
too, mother of the family! You lazy queen bee layin’ on the couch
watchin’ soap oprys all day! Even if you’re expectin’ another kid, you
could take in ironin’ or something like that, even if your baby keeps
you up all night and you’re dead as a doornail. If you really believed in
the power of God, you’d trust Him to give you strength to burn the
candle at both ends. Besides, it’s your own cotton-pickin’ fault you
can’t space out your kids! What do you expect, churnin’ out children
like a machine gun when you ain’t even rich enough to feed yourself?
No wonder you’re barfin’ up your breakfast instead of marchin’ off to
work like a soldier off to war! God expects everybody, male or female,
to stay fit as a fiddle so they can work, and if they can’t work they can
“And as for you wimpy worms that call yourselves stay-at-home
dads! Where’s your pride, you girlie-man bum? Why don’t you go flip
a few burgers at McDonald’s so you can pay someone ELSE to change

Junior’s dirty diaper or kiss your kid’s booboo when he falls off his
“And as for child care, go dump your kids off on your relatives and
let Grandma and Grandpa watch those kids free of charge. If they love
your kids and want to see more of ‘em, that’s the price they’ll have to
pay! That gits rid of the child care excuse for not tithin’. Maybe there’s
one or two other families that could move into your home to chip in for
rent and utilities. And if you have to live on top of each other and fight
over one bathroom, that’s the price you’ve gotta pay for forkin’ over
my GROSS tithe, not that wimpy NET tithe that shows you don’t really
love Jesus enough to live by faith when all you’ve got is that two bucks
left in yore pocket. And if God’s people were faithful to tithe in the
GROSS way God intended, even if it meant they did have to live by
faith, us preachers wouldn’t have to live by faith!
“So you say you gotta eat if you’re gonna work? Eat more beans,
and instead of belly-achin’ about it, make a joyful noise! Hey, what’re
y’all laughin’ about? This is serious now!
“So if you really DO love Jesus enough to sacrifice for this ministry,
you can skip the fancy TV dinners and go back to good old-fashioned
Spam noodle casserole. We need another World War II so food
rationing will come back, so people will learn how to feed six kids on
one can of Spam like they did back then! One way or the other God’s
GROSS tithe has gotta be paid. And if you don’t pay it, God’ll take it
outa your hide. That means hospitality bills, hangnails, flat tires, leaky
faucets, corns, calluses, jungle rot, author-itis, asteroids, you name it,
you’ll git it.
Which brings me to Chapter Seven: ‘Name and Shame the Bums’.
Now that we’ve already established that it’s a SIN to refuse to obey
your leaders who have the watchcare over your eternal soul, we can
safely say it’s a sin not to tithe if they order you to. Thanks to nontithers, the work of the Lord goes wanting for support. Mel, our choir
director, wanted to build a crystal choir loft to make his choir look as
angelic as they sing. But non-tithers nipped that project in the bud.
Last Christmas Deacon Davis had to take his family on a vacation to
Odyssey, Texas, instead of up to Nome, Alaska like he wanted. He
wanted to take his kids up there to meet Santa Claus but there wasn’t
one spare dime to make his dream come true.
“So my ushers are gonna be checkin’ their list of contributors twice
to see who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. The rest of this year
will be a grace period where we give folks space to repent of their
greediness and change their ways, which is what ‘repent’ means. But
I can promise you, next year we’re gonna start a policy where we’ll do
like the Bible teaches and do a big exposition of deadbeats who don’t
tithe. Once every month, we’ll read out our Non-tither’s Hallway of

Shame. And if they keep on comin’ to church anyhow, we’ll do
another thing the Bible teaches. When we hold church potlucks, we’ll
fill up our paper plates with beef storganoff and go sit anywhere they
ain’t sitting. We’ll treat them non-tithers like the spiritual leopards
they are. Like Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer we won’t let ‘em join any
of our Christian games…I mean, cliques. And if the ushers lock the
doors and leave those bums out in the rain, that’s their own tough
luck. They made their bed, let ‘em lay in it!
I got an even better idea, which will be implemented in the coming
year. All tithers will receive gold-laminated ‘VIP Privy Privilege Passes’.
All our restrooms, including the mother & baby room, will have their
doors wired with Toilet Terminals. Only those who keep current with
their tithes will be allowed to use our facilities free of charge. As a
tithing member, you’ll be expected to report all income to our church
accounting system, whether that income comes from employment or
from disability or welfare checks. Each Toilet Terminal will have coin or
bill slots, card slots and a keypad offering several options to choose
from. You’ll stick your Privy Pass in the card reader, type in your
Membership ID and pin number, then our computer will communicate
with the Toilet Terminal to tell it whether you’re all paid up or not. If
you’re cleared for entry, the bathroom door will unlock. If you try to
sneak in unauthorized non-tithers as you enter, a spy camera will set
off an alarm to notify our ushers, after which you’ll be cast out like
camel dung.
“My deacon pointed out that kids under a certain age wouldn’t have
a paid job or an income of any kind. Such individuals would be
exempt from tithing. To make things easier, each and every member
in the congregation will be issued with a Church ID card detailing their
name, age, occupation and income. Say a nine-year-old who doesn’t
get any allowance needs to go. He’d stick his ID card in the slot and
the Toilet Terminal would excuse him and unlock the door to let him go
in. But if he didn’t pay on his allowance, he’d have to go find a tree.
“All adults, including married ladies who live off their husband’s
salary, will need a VIP Privy Privilege Pass to use our facilities free of
charge. Those without one would insert their Church ID to tell the
Toilet Terminal they don’t qualify for a free trip. Even a few airlines
charge folks for using their bathrooms, because as they say, there’s no
free lunch. If you fly with us you lug your own load. If you don’t
support our church with your faithful tithes, you pay as you go. If you
don’t like it, there’s a big gas station across the street!
“Non-tithers would pay a fifty-cent fee for each bathroom visit,
which covers the cost of water, sewer, and janitor service. If they’re
broke, they could choose the emergency credit option on the keypad
and a bathroom bill would be mailed out to them each month.

“Instead of greedy people stealin’ extra toilet paper in the stalls,
we’ll install coin-operated dispensers where non-tithers can buy 10sheet packets of quilted bath tissue for fifty cents. If you’re broke,
you’ll find a stack of recycled newspapers on the sink.
“But if you’re a tither, the paper’s on us. All you’d have to do is
stick your Privy Pass in the card slot any number of times you like,
and take as much tissue as you need to get the job done. Nothing’s
too good for our faithful tithers. Tithers will be treated like royalty
here at Woodshed Worship Center. But non-tithers will get no-frills
fellowship. That’s life. You get what you pay for. Your salvation might
be free, but it shore ain’t cheap to keep it.
“Some of y’all will say my idea’s hittin’ way below the belt, but you
stingy, ornery non-tithers have brought all this on yourself.
“Which reminds me…there’s been a lot of static out in my
congregation about how I yell and scream about how rotten and sinful
America is, and yet I dumped my first wife some time ago and
connected with some cutie out in the congregation. Well, there’s sin
and then there’s worse sin! Minerva got on my nerves! By the time
that woman churned out four kids in three years she looked like a sack
of doorknobs! And over the years she only piled on more lard. I
warned her to go on a decent diet but she kept on eatin’ like a horse,
so she paid the consequences. Wasn’t my fault that heifer blew up like
a balloon! Hey, what’re y’all laughin’ about? This is about sin in the
church! The sin of women losin’ their looks! Hush up now and show
some respect!
“Some of y’all think I’m a big hippo-crit carpin’ about women’s
weight, what with me tippin’ the scale at 404 pounds. But it’s okay to
men to have a little meat on their bones, ‘cause men are the bosses in
this world and they’re supposed to take up twice as much space in it.
Ladies have to look like dainty little chiner dolls, so all they need is a
salad. I work real hard hollerin’ and screamin’ up here so I gotta eat so
I’ll have the strength to keep on doin’ it.
“Which brings me back to what this book says about how to treat
non-tithers. They’re livin’ in sin ‘cause they’re robbin’ God, at least
indirectly. ‘Cause when you rob God’s man, you’re robbin’ God too.
Do like Jesus said and treat those bums like apostate Republicans and
sinners. It’s THEIR fault we ain’t seein’ more of God’s miracles in our
church, and the devil ain’t on the run. He won’t put on a good show if
you don’t pay admission, so git with the program and pay up!
“Here’s a good chapter to answer those reprobate tithe-deniers
with: Chapter Eight is entitled ‘Stop Wining and Pay Up’. And ‘wining’ is
spelled w-i-n-i-n-g. Apparently some folks teach that Deuteronomy
14:26 is no longer being enforced today, or even mentioned from the
pulpits, and this scripture is a command from God to spend tithe

money on booze that YOU choose. Let’s read it and I’ll tell y’all what it
REALLY means. It says:
And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth
after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for
whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the
LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household.
“Once again ya gotta read through the lines to figure out what God
REALLY said. Back then people didn’t know any better than to drink
literal wine so God catered to their weaknesses and let ‘em bring a
donkeyload of Coors Beer to their holiday in Jerusalem. Now modern
believers enjoy something much better in their tithing experience: the
wine of joy that comes from sharing your income with your spiritual
overseers. As Christians pay their tithe so us preachers don’t have to
worry about money, they feel refreshed inside just from knowing
they’ve made life a blessing for those who share the Word of God with
them. Now ain’t that feeling a whole lot better than that devil’s soda
pop the ancient Jews drank?
“I realize we’re runnin’ late as we usually do, but bear with me and
I’ll close with some remarks about Chapter Nine: ‘Priest or Plumber?’ A
lot of y’all have taken refuge behind verses in I Peter chapter 2 which
allegedly teach that every Christian believer is a priest in the
household of God, and since Old Testament priests didn’t have to pay
tithes, why should you be forced to?
“In 2 Corinthians 1:4 Paul says God knows how to comfort
Christians in all their tribulations. I believe the reason Peter wrote
about the alleged priesthood of all believers was to cheer prosecuted
Christians up and make them feel better about themselves. Just like if
you see your little boy being picked on by bigger boys you’ll comfort
him by saying, ‘You’re my little precious little prince.’ Now does that
mean the boy turns into a literal prince, with all the privileges and
powers of a prince? I doubt it. And don’t forget, not all priests served
at the altar. Some of ‘em did all the dirty work. The second-class
priests skinned animals for the altar. They hauled water and moved the
Tabernacle furniture. They cleaned up the mess made by the REAL
priests who got waited on hand and foot. In this church we have
Christian janitors who clean the commodes used by the leadership and
their families. We have burger flippers who work for Blessing Burgers,
which Woodshed Worship Center just started as a pilot project to pull
people out of poverty here in Buckaroo. Besides janitors and burger
flippers, this church also has trash collectors and triple-shift nurses
who do all the rough stuff while the doctor takes a smoke break. If
you really are a priest, you’re the hands-on kind who still has to do

manual labor to pay your tithe dues to the REAL priests who pray all
day and watch over your soul to keep you out of trouble.
“Mister, sister, if you’ve been sittin’ under my ministry longer than
two weeks and you’ve been usin’ your personal priesthood as an
excuse to welsh on your tithin’, God sees you as a parasite suckin’ off
my spiritual treasures. I feel like a nurse’s aide emptyin’ yore bedpan
night and day on minimum wage. You’re a taker, not a giver. Or you
might be like that rich man that gave the Temple a little of his extra fat
while the poor widow went without her supper to bless the Lord. God
can’t live without your money, and neither can we. He created you so
you could work to earn it to meet His needs, and the needs of this
ministry, though some of you find that burdensome. Jesus taught His
people to go the extry mile when they had to bear a burden. After all,
He hauled his Cross to Cavalry to save you so you could bear the
burdens of bein’ a member of this church. You call tithin’ a burden, but
you better shut up and bear your burden the second mile, the third
mile, and on and on till the day you die. Never let it be said there’s a
limit to your love for Jesus.
“You don’t throw the Lord a penny tip like the poor widow did,
especially if you’ve got a lot more of them pennies stashed away in
yore pocket. Anything less than ten per cent of what you’ve got, God
sees as an insult, considerin’ you git to keep the other 90% to pay bill
collectors. If your givin’ don’t hurt, it won’t work!
“Which brings me to Chapter Ten, and you’re gonna love this one:
‘Don’t Just Pray, PAY!’ Your honorary priesthood under the New
Covenant don’t change the fact a laundry mat washer won’t wash yore
dirty overalls if you don’t put change in it! God’s the same way! He’ll
go on strike if you don’t pay Him. God don’t want his government
offices in heaven to go bankrupt, so He can’t afford to bless you for
free. Without YOUR faithful financial support, God’s hands are tied and
He can’t afford to finance His activities on earth.
“Back in the Old Testament, priests were in charge of the worship
of God, so they must have stuck a quarter in the plate along with
everybody else. Why do I believe this? Well, cost-free Christianity
don’t cut it. Unless you’re a total retard, you can figger out for
yourself that the only thing that’s worth anything in this rotten old
world is money! That’s why money has everything to do with worship,
even if you claim to be a priest under the New Convent. It goes like
this: Some preacher, and I can’t rightly recall his name, said that the
word “worship” is transliterated from the words ‘worth’ and ‘ship’. So
next time you come to God beggin’ him to stop yore ship from sinkin’,
you better pay Him what He’s worth. If you earn $200 a week, that
means $20, not five or ten.

“People grab at straws to find any excuse not to tithe. One of my
favorites is some vague scriptures where God commands all the males
of Izrul to show up three times a year and pay rent for livin’ in the
Holy Land. The ladies just stayed home and went shoppin’ if they had
any money in the house, ‘cause back then worship, or WORTH-SHIP,
was a man’s duty, and all women were good for was cookin,’ cleanin’,
and punchin’ out passels of kids.
“You women, you’re always whinin’ about inequality in the church,
and how you git regulated to the scrap heap of an inferior ministry.
Well, sister, we’ve got good news for you! Paul the apostle taught in
Galatians 3:28 that there’s neither male nor female in the church, at
least until we need help in the nursery or church kitchen. That means
you, sister, are an honorary man who’s expected to show up not just
three times a year but ALL year long bringin’ tithes and offerings!
Tithin’ is an equal opportunity employer ‘cause you don’t pay no more
or no less than a man does! Now don’t that make ya shout ‘hallelujah!’
“Hey, I just remembered where that scripture was. It teaches in
Exodus chapter 34 how all the men were to appear before the Lord
and make sure they brought their tithe money when they came. We’re
runnin’ short on time, so let’s press home the point before you forget:
CASH MONEY WITH YOU, or a credit card that ain’t maxed out yet. I
know how the good Lord feels. When we were dirt poor, my first wife
and me, we ran a baby shower before our youngest son was born.
One woman had the nerve to show up with a homemade card and an
I.O.U.! Well she got showed the door in a hurry! What’s the point of
runnin’ a baby shower or a church, if those who get invited don’t at
least bring a pacifier? The good Lord feels the same way.
“Now one thing you’ll learn here is this ain’t a racist church. We
don’t cotton to lily-livered, tofu-suckin’ Democrats, but Jesus loves ALL
His little children in the world. Red and yellow, black and white, all
their money’s just as green in His sight. God loves a cheerful giver, so
He loves you AS LONG AS YOU TITHE! And don’t bother to tithe on
the net, ‘cause He thinks that’s gross!
“So don’t twist the Word of God to try to make your life easier, or to
wiggle out of your responsibility to support the true work of God on
earth. And as for holdin’ the Word of God under a periscope to try to
find a loophole to pay God less, all I can say is: IF YOU REALLY LOVE
JESUS, you’ll act like that woman who anointed Jesus with the horse
liniment. Just throw the Rule Book away and do a heckuva lot more
than the good Lord commanded.”