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Who are these children? To me, these are children who have been destroyed by life, by being abused by adults or sometimes both. They are remarkable humans because unknown to them laid the greatest talents on earth. These are buried under their sufferings and the ruins of themselves. These gifts can be musicals, visuals or any other way chosen by "GOD." I called them "CHILDRENOFGOD." How can I know it? I was one of those children whose live has been destroyed. At twelve years old, I’ve been in a car accident with my dad and my brother. My dad died in the accident. While he was driving heart palpitations caused him to lose control of the wheel. The car hit a rock on the side of the highway and the impact made the steering wheel crush his chest. If the palpitations had not killed him, the impact of the wheel on the thorax did. My brother Ronald had two minor fractures, one at jaw and the other at the elbow. As for me, physical damage was more serious. I had both of my femurs fractured, one internal and the other external. My brother was admitted at the Hospital of Granby but not being sufficiently equipped to deal with me, as brothers we have been transfer in Montreal at the Ste-Justine Hospital for children. It was at the time the best Hospital for children care and is still today. There, they took great care of us. I spent the first three weeks in the hospital ward "Intensive Care Unit" with metal rods inserted in my legs below the knee. These rods were attached to weights so that the legs do not move and that the bones repaired. I have no recollection of these first few weeks because the nurses told me that when I was under the influence of morphine during this time. At any time of the day or the night, I could scream to death in extreme pain. They told me that the doctors had prescribed me morphine at doses that a child can tolerate, so that I would no longer react to that pain. It was successful. Incidentally, one of the side effects of morphine is that the subject is not aware of his condition or of his environment. I only remember waking up one day in a green room with other patients, my bed was moved and I was transferred to another room, where Ronald was already installed, for the next two weeks. During this time, some events occurred that will have an essential meaning later in my life. The first was that mom told me that Gilles, that’s how she called dad, had die in the accident, I was also declared dead but was resuscitate to life with "CPR" care by a witness at the scene of the accident with both my legs broken. First, to set the record straight right now, I was in complete shock. I was unable to feel or express any feelings of any kind. All those who visited me, including my family were strangers. I felt invisible to everyone around me. I did not exist except physically. Today, this is called "post-traumatic shock" but forty years ago it was considered as an abnormal condition.
I heard nurses talking among them about it. This is a normal thing when you care about your patients and showed me that they did. The doctors didn’t understand why I had no reactions or feelings for anything or for anybody. It exceeded their understandings. So they were thinking about keeping me for longer observation instead of letting me go back home. I knew I was under scrutiny because regularly a nurse was standing at the door, a notepad in hand, looking at me and writing on it. I knew it was about me, but not what kind of observations it was. When I asked, the answer was always "Oh, we’re just writing notes. That’s all." This confirmed me that they considered very seriously keeping me for even more tests and observations. I had become a subject of study very peculiar indeed. After all these tests, I would be considered too abnormal to live a life outside the hospital system. The doctors would never let me out of their hands. I would have no life and I would end up in an asylum or in a cemetery. I have a confession to do. Even though I could not feel or express anything I was able to think. This indifference that they had register had form a cone of silence around me that gave me the impression that I had all the time in the world to realize my situation. So I used my mind to observe everything that was happening. Because I knew that I was not crazy. At that precise moment, I chose to act like a normal patient would. I expressed interest and feelings for others. I read some books in their library and everyone, "everyone except me" was very happy. At last, in the name of the known normality, I acted like a patient whom recovers his capacities. Except that in myself, I just felt one thing. Something terrible has been done to me. A terrible injustice that I could neither understand nor describe but only feels because it was done to me. And by I do not know who neither know what. I just felt dead inside. Like I was a movie with my life outside me. With that atrocious inside feeling that nothing would ever matter anymore. Still, I had the intuition that something could be done, I just did not know what or how. I refused with all my strength to believe that my life was over. I chose to wait and see. This until I have the information that I needed for my case. Because it was what I had become for these doctors, a case. At the end of these five weeks at the hospital, male nurses under the supervision of the doctor put me in a cast around the legs from the waist to the toes. While they were doing the plastering, the nurses discussed with the doctor to see if a vent hole should be open behind the left knee where I had an open wound so it would be cleaned regularly. The doctor chose not to do so because it would be too easy to break the plaster if a hole it was done in it. Thus by cleaning, disinfecting and protecting the wound now, the risk of infection should become very minor and thus there would be little chance for the gangrene to develop. The nurses told him that it would be very dangerous to move me as is if the cast break. It would be easier to do so if it was reinforced. They finally put a piece of sawn broomstick of twenty inches long and plastered it diagonally across my legs. I could be carefully lift when the plaster would be dry and moved to the doctor’s office.
I thought that everything was normal until I saw the thickness of my medical file. The sheets of size 8.5" X 14" formed a pile thicker than the Webster’s dictionary. My reaction has been "Wow, my case is so thick, I must be an important case." I was in complete shock. My doctor asked me if I was okay. I said, "Yes." He then told me that plaster they put on me would stay for the three following weeks, I should then return here to have the cast remove. Then I had to stay 3 more weeks in bed without moving so my bones would mend at their best. At this point, I would be given crutches that I could use to get around in the house and find back some use of my legs. At my last appointment, he will give me his verdict on my health. Back at home, for the everyday routine, I ate, did my schoolwork and was attended for basic care (hygiene). I also received a few family visits. I had so much time that it seemed interminable to me. What happens when you have all the time in the world? You think a lot. There is nothing else to do, therefore I did associations. One I did was this one "Dad killed me and I killed him because we both died in the accident." You don’t know it but if I hadn’t taught that, it would have meant that I was irrecoverably insane mentally. The fact that I was aware of that fact told me that I wasn’t completely insane because I knew it. It has been a major psychological element in my life. The fact I had a contact with the reality however that contact was limited. One day, Mom told me "You will go for your last visit to the hospital Friday and then we will know your real situation is." I remember that mom could not take a day off that day. My brother Daniel came with me to the hospital as my legal guardian. Finally something was happening. My doctor was a man who spoke in a quiet voice. I felt like I was really important to him. At the last visit, I saw that the thickness of my file had changed a lot. The stack had decreased which showed me that my case had evolved. Slowly, I walked from the wheelchair to sit in the chair in front of him. He said "I didn’t know you could walk. Is it painful?" I had the feeling that to do so without pain was what surprised him the most. I told him no. I stopped using the crutches because they have been wrongly adjust to me and it was hurting too much under my armpits so after once I never used them. I forced myself to walk back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom. "No doctor, it’s just that I couldn’t stay on the first floor where my room and the bathroom are located and becoming bore to death so I went down to the ground floor where the kitchen and living room are located. I saw my family, I ate there and I was watching TV. The more I used the stairs to go up and down was the best because I exercised my legs to be more flexible and then it was then much easier to walk, that’s all."
Just between us, I can tell you that I used the stairs a lot, often for no reason just because it was good for my legs and it was fun to do. Apart from reading books, doing my schoolwork and watching TV, which was the only activity I had. He then asked "Is there anything else that you did? Anything at all?" "No, just that." He said "Interesting, very interesting." He then resumed the accident and all the procedures that have been taken to treat me. The operation, the three weeks I spent in the "ICU" under the influence of morphine, the metal rods in my lower legs to help stabilize them, the plastering, its removal and finally, being bedridden for the three following weeks so my legs would repair together at their best. He then said "Is there any question you would like to ask me?" Only one was on my mind so I asked. "What is my real situation?" I then waited for his answer. For a moment, he looked at me straight in the eyes, giving me the feeling that he wondered? "Can a child understand a case that is so complex? Cause he is asking the only thing that matters." Time seemed suspended. Our eyes were fixed in each other and without knowing it I prayed. "Oh GOD, make him tell me the truth." That's all I needed. No gibberishes, no nice made-up stories because I was a child. I don’t feel like twelve but rather like a million years old. I do not know what test I passed but with compassion in his gaze, he told me that the studies and the tests they made on me during my stay have demonstrated that I had lost 85% of my capabilities in general.
"Even if you seem able to walk without pain, we do not have the knowledge to help you go through your ordeal and recover your lost capacities. The reason is that we are only beginning to explore the field of heavy traumas among children. We know almost nothing in that field and what we know is too little to help you. You move, you are articulate, so you can go to school but it still means that you will never have a normal life. And you will probably spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair. I’m sorry."
At that instant, time stopped, really stopped. I found myself in this place where everything is dark and desert in me and asked myself? "Is my life really over?" From the depths of my being came a giant "NO." That’s all I needed to know. "I then asked myself how?" Nothing came, so I asked "How long?" The answer was "Twenty years." Okay, I didn’t like that answer at all but I knew that I had no say in the matter. I felt deep in my bones that it will be twenty years of work on me as if life tells me "Take it or leave it." It’s your choice and nobody care for what you will choose. So I thought. "How can I?" It is the question I asked myself. "Choose an impossible dream to achieve." Then all that I can see is the ideal image of the being that I could and would have become if not the accident. "Oh, I will never succeed, but at least I will always try to achieve that goal." Seriously has anyone ever heard of a handicap and I speak about myself who has ever reached the ideal of himself? Anyone will tell you that all those who achieved by their work and also because they started with all their capacities. Not like me with only 15% to start. I chose to reach this perfect human being I could become with all the skills and talents that I could develop. I could not see the entirety of this being but I could see that picture as the greatest dream that I could ever achieve by working on me. All of this happened in a flash. While I had those thoughts, I was out of space and out of time. I came back to reality, took a deep breath and I said "Thank you Doctor for telling me the truth."
"It was my first dream."
At home, mom asked me what happened with the doctor and I said what he told me "I have lost 85% of my capacities, I probably will be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and I will never have a normal life." "Hmmm, what do you want to do? Do you want to go to school or not because if you want, they are willing to take you back. After all, you have done your all your schoolwork at the Hospital and here. You have taken no lateness. Except in Sports where they will give you an abstention for the time you missed."
It was back to school with a difficult life or stay at home with no life. I knew I would need a social life to achieve my goals because without I would jeopardize my life and I would never reach my ideal. "If you want to stay at home, we'll just have to take necessary dispositions if you are in a wheelchair. It is that simple." "Mom, I'm going back to school." I could walk, talk and move so nobody ever thought there was anything wrong with me. I wondered then, other than the school and studies, what can I do to work on me now? And just so you know, the way I used my mind was very simple. I wondered to myself anything that made sense and that I need to know and my mind gave me the answer. It always worked as long as it was for the truth. Not fun at all and there is no way around that method. The truth in my case was the only and ultimate key. This brings me to a difficult concept "the absolute truth." Hmmm, it seemed easy to use. I asked myself "Is it the really absolute truth?" And my mind would always give me the answer. Never the one I wanted but always the one I needed. It was the worst medicine to swallow, but the only way to get rid of the lies and the bad associations in me. At twelve, I became an adult in my head. "OK, I got it and I did it." I could not tell anyone because anyone would be convinced that I was beyond sanity. The answer about what I could do at that age was "Nothing." When I went into this void in me, even with a negative response I could always see the reason why. First, you must wait until you are seventeen. Before that, for life, you will have no real understanding and what you do it will never matter for life itself and this however you consider being ready or not. You'll always be back at square one. No child, except for reasons of life or death can ever have an impact on his life. Well, what to do until then? I can study, I can record everything that makes me act and react and what pushes my buttons. Live my life as normally as I can. "And mostly remember any information however it seems insignificant for future examination and reference." Oh dear, this is not what I wanted to hear at all but nothing else came so I took it. Whenever I need to cheer me up, I said to myself. "You are a retarded because you do not have access to the mechanism of your intelligence which is a tool of the human brain, you are a cripple because the muscles of your legs are not working and if you do not rebuilt them you will return in a wheelchair and you are unable to express any feelings at all, which is a form of autism."
I know that it is extremely rude and inappropriate to use these words but I always have used them only on me. I call me those very harsh names to "never, never, never" give me a chance to succeed. If it wasn’t enough to fill me with energy, it was always enough to sustain me until they were restored in me. The Doctor never put it this way but that’s how I choose to see it. To me, it was the only way I could have a chance to get out of the slump that I was in. Not being afraid to call a spade a spade was a matter of survival to me. I have always considered the human being like a house. If a house is built on quicksand, it will always sink. Not to believe in it meant absolute failure. Now I have two paths in front of me.
One is inscribed "Direction for life." The instructions were that working and fixing what was broken in me was the only chance I had to get my life back, with as many talents and abilities that I could develop on my way. The other is inscribed "Direction for death." The instructions were that moaning and self-pity will only lead to madness and I will be place in an asylum or I will die and will end up in a grave. Once again life tells me "Take it or leave it." You’re the only one who can get out of that hell.
To live or to die? Can it be that simple? Yes, it was. Hope seemed impossible and the chances of succeeding were zeros. Like Damocles’s sword over my head telling me you are dead and finish. With that inside feeling that an injustice had been made to me by life. "Who was the jury? What were the charges against me? Who was the culprit?" How could I blame life for being an executor? I will probably never know and I fell into the deepest of me that any form of resentment will only lead me to close that circle of hell where I was in. I had a lot more problems but did not know it. As a child, I had a condition called "The Asperger’s Syndrome." It makes you act awkwardly and provoke negative reactions with people you are in contact with.
At eleven, a year before the accident in the new school where I was student, I have been provoked in a fight by another student, I will call him "M." He was mad at me because I cheered him at the baseball game he played. But he was convinced that I was laughing at him so he wanted all the other students to jump on me and give me the whack of my life. While everyone was getting ready to do so, a young authoritarian voice yelled "Stop, all of you." They did. Then the student, Pierre Berger yelled "This is a fight one on one so all of you, step back." They all obeyed. But I lost the fight and to humiliate me the "M" called me "faggot."
This meant nothing to me at the time but no one wanted to tell me the meaning of the word. Supposedly, it was "just" a word. Well, I "just" had the feeling that it was a very, very bad word. And surely enough, not long after, when anyone was upset or wanted to laugh at me I was called that name. Until this day, only Pierre Berger and Vincent Crête who were present at the occasion apologized personally to me. Nobody else ever wanted to remember how it happened. I have never hoped to receive apologies for what has been done to me in slanders and in abject acts just because I was the "faggot" of the village. Not because people are rotten, but everyone has what I call a non-existent memory when it suits them. And I say village because even though the population was 50,000 habitants, the mentality was of a village. Just so you know, to call a child a "faggot" is one of the most demeaning and disgusting name because for the others children it meant a dirty bitch dog. How does a child victim of slander and hatred feels? He feels hurt like hell, like a million rapes, a billion acts of torture and a trillion stabbings given by the hand of a friend. Every time the vulnerability within reopens and feelings of rape, humiliation, disgust, of being taint until that sense of abjection was even beyond what words can describe. This place that in every human being should be private and sacred was no longer safe for me. It became full of emptiness, disgust, humiliation, bloody horror and absolute ugliness contaminated with injuries, sorrows and blood. I could never run away because it was done in my heart and soul. Not just because of one person, but it seems that life organised and synchronized all of it so that everything would be customize to make my life hell on earth. People line up so one after the other they could take turn to have their shot at me. To them I was the funniest and the most wonderful toy in the world. Can you imagine an innocent victim, a child who cannot protect nor defend himself? The worst wasn’t that everyone tried by taking their turns, but that everybody told himself "I’m doing nothing wrong because it’s just one thing I’m doing and anyway I’m just one person. So it’s really nothing at all." I never told them how hurt I was every time. I never have shown anyone my tears. They even created a formula to ensure that they would stop me never to hate me and would always stay mad at me. When they wanted to laugh at me, they called me "the faggot", it mean "the fucking bitch." When they wanted to be mad at me, they called me "the fucking bitch faggot ", which mean "the fucking shit bitch." The bottoms of the slum were reached when they wanted to be rage mad at me and then I was "the fucking shit faggot bitch." It meant "the fucking Christ faggot shit eater." It was never said in my face, just in my back. "For almost every student at school I was the fucking shit faggot bitch." Why such hatred and degradation of themselves? In truth, it is very simple, in discrediting me that much, everyone gloated at their supposed superior moralities and integrities. They never saw how cruel they were because they were only playing. So one day, one of them could say "I won, I won and I successfully destroyed the fucking shit faggot bitch." Children never see the cruelty of their acts, only how to reach their target perfectly.
They even added a children game to be sure that they would never stop to hate me to death. A group of students led by "M", my tormentor have formed a group. He, his best friend, a blond boy and their circle of close friends one after another pumped with hatred all the other students against me. With this variance of the game "blind man's buff", their collective hatred was such that it was almost nuclear. When they reach being teenager, their childish games can make them become the most disgusting human ever being. It happened with them. Most adults would know where to draw the line for not crossing a certain line of morality. For them it was just a mean game, one that becomes insane when they reached adolescence. And yet no matter however they were cruels, every time I choose to believe that they only responded to the wreck of a human being that I was. Because every day I felt how destroyed I was. Their greatest sin is that they refused to apply any moral standard on their owns acts. What saved me was that I have been so completely destroyed by life that when someone alone or as a group would do anything to hit me harder because this time them, they would succeed, "the train, not the car, the train full loaded with shit had already hit me." Life has already used every imaginable trick on me. I was destroyed beyond the point of no return. The choice was to forgive everyone every time or to rot in hell the rest of my life. "Do you get it?" It was not the worst they did. What hurt me the most was that I knew personally that they were doing it to themselves and never at me. Nobody ever faced it. Everyone created their own ugliness of hell and horror every time they act like vultures toward me. And every time I wondered? How dare they lower themselves at this level? Why was their glory that they would become the most degraded, the most immoral, the most despicable and the most disgusting they could be? Because, in truth, it is what they were for their own-self, they were their own vultures. Every time I was hurt, I forced myself to believe that they were only reacting to this part of me which I had no more contact with. The more I was hurt, the more I used it to work harder to reach my ideal. Each time someone did something to put me down, they always feed in themselves first everyday of the syndrome "I will never have enough of being."
"I will never have enough of being the worst trashiest and most disgusting fucking son of a bitch shit eater in the whole world."
The others wanted to use everything they could to destroy me a million times. You know what? Life had already been there. "Hello! Are you still there? Where are you?" Because there is one thing that you are better to face, each of you, the only life you can destroy is yours, no one else. And your life is your own choice in all its aspects. I never tried to be a saint but I never could believe your lies.
Justice never can be achieved in the name of wrongness even if the culprit believed in his truth and nobleness. Each time however I was hurt, I forced myself to work harder to reach to get out of the slump I was in. If I felt too vulnerable and crushed by grief and by the hatred of others toward me the only way to stay out of despair was to think about my impossible ideal. If it wasn’t enough to boost me, it was always enough to sustain me until my energies come back to me. It was my only chance to get out of hell. It happens often enough. In my last years in high school, I was always especially grateful for one thing. However much I was hatred and despise, no one ever threw any food or liquid at me. Call me as stupid as you wish but for me it was a giant blessing. Not having anything thrown at me in School meant that at least some norms of good manners and politeness were respected. I often said to me "Thanks GOD" that no one crosses these limits toward me. Not that I believed in "GOD" at that time, but inside me yes only I didn’t know it. My faith was blind and absolute. Being throw anything would have mean that any concerned student had no integrity, no dignity at all. These qualities are among the most precious in each human being. When they are thrown away carelessly, they never come back unless the culprit works very hard with his heart and soul to clean his acts and fix any wrongness he has done. When I first saw on "GLEE", the episode on which a young girl is being thrown a glass of juice in the face, I just could not believe it. It sent an icy chill down along my spine. Even if nobody else agrees with me, I had the feeling that the slaughter had just begun. "GLEE" did not make people act in a foul and despicable way. But by not teaching people the injustice and the disgusting cruelty that bullying and bad manners are, this episode has just socially sanctified such acts. They are now the norm. It happens in every day’s life, in any school and everywhere in the world. And everybody knows that when one thing is normal, it is good for each and everybody. I disagree because bullying and slandering means that the culprit is just a coward and a "fucking sewer rat" that’s all. Today everybody does it. It is terrible because you are now the stench of your own humanity. It means that you should clean your "Augean Stables." Remember what I said earlier, you only feed yourselves with the syndrome every "fucking day of." "I will never have enough of being the worst trashiest and most disgusting Christ son of a bitch shit eater in the world." You are giving yourself a very serious illness. You have become depraved in the name of good taste. Bullying, slandering and moral depravity are now the most fashionable trends. You are all the equivalent of rapists, torturers, murderers and cannibals. Your only personal and social glory is to be an assassin "inbecoming" with the death of others. Rudeness and bad manners are the new must. Do you know that your worst in you only grow to become the most despicable that you could ever be.
My greatest fault is that I choose to believe that each of you responded to my inner hell and that no matter how much you were disgusting, cruel, unfair and garbage in all your acts toward me. And each time I forgave myself to do never become like you. "Oh GOD, forgive me for being hurt and give me the strength to forgive them for they do not know what they are doing." I never could choose hatred. To forgive me was much more difficult because of the monstrosity of your acts. This is probably why the horror of hell has never ceased in my life. Now everyone wants to be famous of being depictable. The envelope is pushed even further. On behalf of their kindred souls, their good hearts and theirs true intentions they violate, they destroy and they slander anyone they consider being unworthy. The next step is to publicly destroy their chosen victim. In the past, a social event was used to set such a thing. Now, thanks to "YOUTUBE" and by texting, everyone on earth can see and know your acts even at their most private and intimate moments. At least, it’s others people life so they think. And it’s such fun. It’s a megashow in Technicolor where you don’t have to pay a penny to watch. "Horrorland" is in your home for free. Isn’t it a wonderful world? Think about "Dharun Ravi and Molly W. Wei" who recorded secretly and shamelessly a video of their friend "Mr. Tyler Clementi" while he had a private sexual relationship with another man. They amused so much the galleria of their friends by posting it on "YOUTUBE." Wasn’t it magnificent, wasn’t it remarkable? "Two pigeons who loved a tender love..." No, no, no it was rather "Two pigeons who boasted of their treachery and..." We did nothing wrong. It was just a game that was such fun we were just playing so they said... But to rape the intimacy of someone is one of the acts the cruelest and most degrading that could be. Whatever they believe, they will always live with the fact that they killed a human being. If any act that you have done has resulted in the death of another, you are guilty of murder. By eating the flesh dripping from blood they turned themselves into vampires. Not only do they suck the blood of their victim, they are eating its flesh publicly while he is still alive. And they degraded themselves. And they are your modern cannibals. And they are now at your doorstep. And glory whatever the price is your new fashion. "And will you ever stop one day to behave like fucking Christ vulture in everything you fucking do?" Not only have they degraded the life of "Mr. Tyler Clementi" but they become the lowest possible and become putrid, disgusting by the denial of their acts. Their only problem is that now everyone knows how much they their hands are stained with the blood of an innocent. I patronize, but I hope that nobody will ever choose that road of mediocrity and horror. They will live with this crime for the rest of their lives. You can always justify yourself to others but never successfully to yourselves.
The more you wallow in your lies, the worst you are and the more you turn into a zombie. The effect of the syndrome "I will never have enough" is that the disease degenerates and feeds on itself in you. You become your own "monster of depravity." The more you are filled with this disease the worst you become until you are only a piece of shit, breathing and living. You also soil everyone you touch and degrade everyone you love because. "You will never have enough of being the worst trashiest and most disgusting fucking son of a bitch shit eater in the world." The other problem is that everyone has access to what I call "the magic of life" except those stains by such acts. They have never seen that this magic dies in them. It’s the destructive effect of destroying one life. No one ever ask himself "How would I feel if anyone would do to me what I do to them?" To act as a blind coward is the easiest way to have a life so empty that "GOD" couldn’t fill it. "Could you fill a bottomless pit?" Don’t ask yourselves and stay in denial. One day live will make you pay for everything you did. It may take time but it always happens. And usually, your love ones are the ones who will pay the price for all the abject acts you did for the rest of your life. Since the dawn of time this day, nobody has ever escaped his destiny. "Your daily bread is now the worst of yourself."
"Interestingly" for me, the accident after-effect has been devastator. Except my family and a few close friends everyone who came in contact with me reacted with extreme aggressivity and hatred toward me. I breathed and "storms of hatred nuclear" would sweep everyone. I said "Interestingly" for only one reason. I was the subject of my own "Humanitarian Studies" Can you guess where I was? Can you guess just for one second how I felt to be hated just because I breathed, because I was there, that it was so funny and so easy for each and everyone? I was just twelve years old, "just twelve years old, fucking Christ." I wasn’t making the rules but I figured this kind of things easily enough because it was a matter of life or death for me. I never gave myself the choice. I hit myself very hard with these "absolute truths" every time I needed them. They were my "implacable evidences" like I called them. So huges that even a blind couldn’t have miss them. I also haven’t always been able to do not throw rocks to others when I was lapidate. I had to work very hard to do not let resentment to grow inside me. Like I said before, I wasn’t better than anyone but about hatred and resentment my own plate was already full. Therefore, the use of my "implacable evidences" was that I try not to wallow in vain neither stall in my stupidity. The poor me, pity me were outside my life.
I’ll tell you something else. Life put me there and there would be no exit door if I would choose hatred and revenge? Hmmm, I even pushed further "What, there a gateway to hell and no exit?" Hey life, that’s what you want me to believe? "Well then, fuck you bitch and eat your own fucking shit." As long as it will take me, I’ll clean my "Augean Stables" or I’ll die of it. But I will not become a vulture whatever the cost is. For that I’ve given already, thanks’ a lot. I’ll never be perfect but at least I’ll die trying to reach my humanity. I always taught.
"Thy will be done and only thy will, oh GOD."
Maybe do you think that I speak too dirty? But it never stopped any of you to speak or act nastily about me every time you could. You never restrained yourselves to be the worst vultures in the world toward me. You never mince your words on me behind my back. And now you’re offended by my frankness and directness with you but I’ve never heard of more than a few people in the world who ever consider me with respect and dignity. Maybe should you stop to consider yourself at the center of your universe? I do not speak that way because I hate you. "I scream at you these fucking words because they are your heart and soul. I only send you back your own vomit of rotten shit and I do it frankly because all of you are nothing but the Christ fucking dirty bitches and hypocritical fucking rotten shit eaters in everything you are and in everything you do to everyone else." If you don’t like the taste, whose "fucking" fault is it? Maybe do you think that I should let go? After all, it happened fourty years ago, no? Maybe I should turn the "fucking page", no? Well, I will reexplain something that will make you happy. It’s not that it happened fourty years ago, it’s mostly that it lasts since "Fourty Fucking years." After my High School, whereas for anyone else it would have stop and their lives would have gone on, for me, it "never, never, never" stopped. Everywhere I’ve work when I move to Montreal to become waiter, there was always a "fucking sewer rat" who reacted with a hatred that always turned to nuclear rage against me. That "fucking sewer rat" always did all he could to put everyone else against me and he always succeeded, that was the worst. The wickedness of my co-workers and the nastiness of their acts against me were awful because not one of them had limits or restraints in their disgusting behavior toward me. It didn’t happen just at one place, it happened everywhere, all the time. And I only could forgive and clean all the shit that was done to me each time otherwise I would have poisoned myself with it. It never meant anything to you but to me it meant a world of difference. It was to clean and to forgive you or to hate you and to die of it. "Ha, Ha, Ha", the joke was so funny and life was so much more exciting for others when I was concerned cause I was always the culprit and always the best garbage in the world. At last, an innocent unable to answer and to fight back.
My faith in "GOD" also gives me troubles cause if I wanted to be "fucking mad" after any of you for what you did to me, my faith always gave me answers like "Each individual can only fuck himself, never anyone else." OK, did I ever ask what time it is, stupid "fucking faith?" No, cause it always gave it to me every time I asked myself something or even if I just taught of acting mean. My faith would tell me things like "You want to become like them, a vessel full of hatred and shit, you’re not full enough of it, yet?" Oh, yes, after the accident, I was filled with hatred almost absolute toward myself. I felt so violated in my soul that I was my own poison. One more drop and I would have explode. I lived hatred, I shitted hatred and I ate everyone else’s. I was the perfect garbage bin unable to vomit his frustrations and his problems on anyone else. Perhaps you would be able to live normally with it but I never could. I will never believe that someone hatred so much wouldn’t do all he can to get out of that hell. He wouldn’t be human but a complete retarded who would never recover. And all of you always feed yourselves every day of the following syndrome.
"I will never have enough of being the worst trashiest and most disgusting fucking son of a bitch shit eater in the world."
Do you realize? I made you all sick to death of hatred. That was my sickness. It broke my heart my "fucking" sickness. I couldn’t speak of it, I couldn’t prove it and I just could live it with the hope that one day I’ll be cure of it. For that I had one chance, just one "fucking" chance in the universe. Wasn’t I lucky enough? I was hurt by it every time that I taught about it but every time I always forced myself to believe that people were just reacting to what I became, a humane wreck and a monster in spite of me.
Another problem created in me relates to the "Murphy’s Act" that mean "If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong." Well, welcome to my world, which was what I often said to me. To make things worse, the hatred against me, the "Asperger’s Syndrome" and the "Murphy’s Act" created a "Band of Moebious" inside me.
Here’s a picture of it.
A "Band of Moebious" is a ribbon that back on itself. So where you start is where you finish. The psychological effect in a human is atrocious. In my case, it meant "Whatever you will do will not work because there will never be any way out for you. All will only lead to complete failure. So why are you fighting?" It was a choice between doing nothing and die of it or to act and suffer to live. We all received cards to deal with our life. For life I was just the biggest joke that ever was. Do you know that the lowest card in the deck is the "Joker" because it is unusable in most card games? Well, life gave me five "Jokers" and told me "It’s your hand. Deal with it." You know what I told you about worsening things? Well, I took that hand and I called that hand my five worst rotten lemons of life cards in the universe. For life, I just had to play them like anyone else played with the hand they received. I never found the "Joke" funny. I also knew that I had become my own "Moebious Band." How dare I believe that an "autistic, retarded and crippled" could fight alone against its own handicaps to get his sole chance of life? Whenever life would line up people, circumstances, anything to destroy me just because I refused its verdict, I just would work harder to try to get out of the mess life put me in.
No one on earth would have been able to stay in such hell. This ideal of the life I had, I held my grip on it as hard as I could. Let go would mean that life and people had always reason in all they did to me and believed of me. I’ve never been better than others but I’ve never could stop thinking every time "If I act like them, I will become exactly like them and life will win." I refused adamantly. To anyone I’ve hurt in my life I just want to say I’m sorry. The only way I could forgive me was to clean my act the best so I would not repeat my faults. I hope to this day that those I have hurt will forgive me one day. I promised myself just one thing. If I ever get out of this hell, I’ll write in blood if I have to on how I got out of there. For those who want their life better can do it too.
Now you may ask "What can a child know such things about life?" My answer is "I did because I had no other choice."
To fight to become my own warrior because a doctor had the integrity to tell me the truth saved my life. With all my rage for life and all this hurtfulness in me I bite in the hope of my life. Only this could save me because it meant that I placed my trust in a force greater than life. A force that I just named "GOD." I knew nothing about him except that he was everything and only with him could I have a chance on my side. I found amusing that this hope of life became a beam of light that I used to guide me. More than once, I had no idea where I was going because I could not see, nor feel or understand what I was doing but I could always feel this ray of hope, telling me if I was on the right track or not. I will probably be called the "the fucking faggot" And people will laugh at me. You think I really should bother? You will only be one more number to the list. This is the first part of a book I am writing and as you can read, the title is the "CHILDRENOFGOD." In the second part, I will explain how I used everything I could. I have developed and pushed further principles like "one day, the three words, one idea, one more step, the use of the imaginary, be your motivation, kick yourself, the implacable evidences" and much more. How everything can be considered as a mathematical equation to solve any situation? How to use perfection as a goal to reach? Can you achieve all your dreams? There is in every human being a place called the "Room of treasures." This piece is full of unlimited talents and treasures created by "GOD." Do you know how to reach it? Some of the methods that I used you already know, but for some others I had to figure them myself.
I have another confession to make. One of my impossible dreams was to become a "Five Star" waiter. This is my current profession and I succeeded. On 12 May 2000, I worked in a restaurant in Cabbagetown (a neighborhood of Toronto). The restaurant name was Chez Roger. A review of the restaurant was written by Ms. Mara Subotincic and Mr. Alan A. Vernon. They wrote for the website Toronto.com and they gave me a "Five Star" mention for the service I gave them that evening. The last time I visited the website the page was not available but I will attach a copy of it in my "Facebook" page. You do not know but maybe one day, maybe somewhere, maybe your dream will come true. To me, until it happens it was just an impossible dream. Have you ever heard of a handicap "retarded, autistic and crippled" and I’m taking about me and no one else, recognized as the world’s best in his profession publicly. As everyone now knows, I was despised and treated as if I was the worst vulture that ever was in the world. All the life conditions in which I was were horrible to live. Every day it was like to walk on a burning bush with a million injuries on my shoulders and only my dreams made this choice of live tolerable. I used some old sayings like "In your sorrows find your consolation or perish in it" I also used the words of Jesus "Walk half the way of the road and "GOD" will walk the other half to meet you." I often asked myself where my half would end. I never could decide what enough for me was so that "GOD" would join me at the other half. Where does my past live in me and how can I use it? Who were my guides and my models? I’ve never heard of anyone being able to do everything alone. And today I know, I was never alone but even I chose guides like Anne Frank, Ellen Keller and some others. Even Napoleon was useful once a while. I had two rooms of life guides. One was for my life of everyday and the other was for my dreams and my ideals. I will talk about each in this book. I will also discuss the "Master Plan." Everyone has such a plan to guide his life. Now if you were stuck with the worst like me. How can you turn it in the other way and one day, not fourty years later, have your life on the right side. How to use the worst "Master Plan" to guide you towards a better today. I always refused to blame life but also always refused to trust it. Since life never gave me one chance, I never gave myself one. I was absolutely convinced that I would fail with what life had in store for me. So I just put the chances even. I estimate therefore that I would get only one chance to succeed. By making my dreams inaccessible, I made it impossible for me to stop working on reaching them. I even worsened things, I called the number of chances I had to succeed as "One chance in the universe." To help you see how big it is, take a grain of sand in your hand. It is really small, is not it? Now divide that grain by a milliard and you have "One chance in the universe." This is how I saw it for me. I even pushed further. You know the expression "As sharp as Occam’s razor." This means that the simplest explanation is the most essential in any situation. I just decided that for any decision, I would consider myself walking on "Occam’s razor" each time and in any situation that I would be in. To be wrong meant that I would fall in an abyss of absolute despair and that I would never come back. Everything would be a matter of life or death.
I will also talk about extreme oppression. How to go through such horrendous situations that you can’t never change? How to turn it positively? Remember, I was my own "Moebious Band." I will also prove to anyone that no matter how much work we do, it may never be enough if we are on the wrong side of "GOD" like I was. Nothing that you will ever do will be true unless it is sanctioned by "An act of GOD." Such an act is beyond anyone’s power. Hundreds of times on the loom, you have to command your work. Millions of times on the loom, I commanded my work. Pray and hope that one day such a blessing is given to you if you deserve it. This will happen or not. That someone will act or something will happen that will validate all that you have done for God and that circle of hell that was your life is closed. I received this blessing from a friend name Posy Chisholm Feick. I say in the book what she did and how it happened. I also share some of the experiences I’ve had in my life to give you, I hope, a better understanding of your life. I will also reveal why I died at the age of twelve years. Well, we can die at any age but whoever comes back of it never had to live a life of hell in all for the rest of his life. I have search for a long time the reason of such an inequity and I found it. I discovered that my father, one of his brothers, his own father and two of my brothers had terrible secrets. One of these is the reason why I was his preferred son. I was a child with natural curly blond hair, a face not formed enough for a boy and a shrilling voice. When people saw me, they always said "What a cute littl’girl you have?" Dad terrible secret was that "I was his favorite son as long as I was his littl’daughter." My brothers never understood why I was his favorite son. When I was five years old, I rebelled and showing my fist to the sky, I screamed at "GOD."
"I’m not a little girl because I have a dickie and my dickie makes a boy of me."
Dad was a strange man, beloved by all, but with a double personality. Everybody loved him and taught he was one of the most wonderful guys in the world. Very few people knew that his ego was one of the most diabolical who ever was. Until today only two of my relatives admitted it. At the age of 30, I went to visit some of my relatives in Magog. There, my uncle Henri told me that a terrible wickedness had been done about thirty years ago. He did not know what but that the effects would be terrible one day for everyone on earth. He felt it in his bones and in the climate change and he told me that the worst hadn’t come yet. I told him "I know, Uncle, I know." I didn’t tell him that I knew what he was talking about.
The other is my Auntie Bertha, now deceased. I went to visit her and we had a personal conversation. Finally, she asked "Alain, do you believe in GOD?" and I told her yes, but in my own way, I told her that to me God exists, but I live "GOD" in my heart and by respecting the best I could his commandments. I didn’t attend church and didn’t talk about it because I didn’t need to be judge about it. That seemed to satisfy her because she then ask "Do you know that your father did som’thing terrible to you?" Our eyes were locked into each other’s. With one hand on my heart, I could not even breathe. When I finally caught my breath I lifted my fist to the ceiling and I yelled with a ferocious voice "I know, Auntie, I know but one day I’ll have my life back, all my life completely." I knew since many years that my father killed me. To him, I didn’t deserve to live because I refused to be his "adored littl’girl." It was revealed to me in a dream when I was 32 years old. In that dream, I relived the car accident where he had hearts palpitations. I was next to him in the car seat when he had his palpitations and he couldn’t move. With his foot on the gas, he hit a big boulder on the side of the highway. He died the thoracic cage crushed by the steering wheel. He realized what was happening and his last words were "Margot, Margot." That’s how he called mom. After that, I found myself in heaven. Just so you know our first guardian angels are our parents, in heaven.
Being there was like being in a blue sky and I was standing in front of my guardian angel, Mom. Dad wasn’t there because he was dead and one of the conditions to be a guardian angel on earth is to be alive. So facing mom I felt on me "the light of GOD." It was like a giant spotlight of white light over me. This "light" is also the light of life in every human being. This light revealed me all the truth about my life. "The light of GOD" is also the light of life in every human being. I saw my father’s intentions for me. To him, I didn’t deserve to live because I refused to be "his littl’girl." My refusal to be the daughter whom he dreamed in his inside to have feelings of love for her caused our death. My dad and I never had sexual contacts but he had feelings of love every time he did think of me as his daughter. He wanted so much to have one. Nobody in my family remember it except two of my brothers to whom I spoke of it. My father thought he could defy the power of "GOD" and was convinced not to die by such an act. I saw it all and my child heart dies. I had become one of these children abandoned by life. One of those who are called the lost children. In tears, I asked "GOD" to forgive me and prayed that.
"Thy will be done and only thy will."
Mom, my brothers and nobody else in the family never knew the duplicity of my father.
1° 2° 3°
My father had the gift of embodeing the honesty. If at the age of 7 I had told them about it, they would have me consider insane. My brothers Daniel and Marc would have succeeded in their plans about me.
You have to remember that the knowledge of the human being in the seventies was very limited compare to today. The "screwed-up psychological parental transfers" were unknown in these years. Today, it’s call to live by their children. I came back to my body and wake up at the Hospital where a life of hell was awaiting me. It was not his only secret but I will reveal the others later. One of the reasons hell continued so long in my life is that the brothers I named before, Daniel and Marc have continued the work of my father. They also made a life pact between them. Like my father and one of his brothers, to always protect the back of the other no matter what they would do in life. They were 5 years old. The future will reveal that it was a pact with the devil. My brothers also have the same secrets my father had. Not only have they tried to destroy my life, which I will prove later but their most terrible secret is that each of them has a daughter whom he is having feeling of love since the first time he laid his eyes on her at her birth, exactly like daddy and me. The saddest part is that their daughters do not know it because they have never rebelled and thus they developed inside feeling of love for their dads without knowing it. I know that none of my nieces ever had sexual relation with their father. What I am saying is that both fathers have feelings of love for their daughters. And I will prove everything I’m telling you. Not only these terrible secrets from my two brothers, my father, his brother and my granddad Nazaire but also all the secrets of life that I have discovered. Why speak now? During all these years, these beloved and diabolic brothers never ceased to work in themselves to destroy me. I do not know how they did this but I could always feel the effects of their diabolisms on my life even if we were geographically separated. Maybe you believe that I just want to use revenge by revealing publicly what my brothers did to me in the past? But look instead to the truth of the acts that I will describe you. I have a noble heart concerning my brothers because in truth, by obliging myself to believe that they never wish to harm me in any way, I realized with the passing years that the evil they had done was mostly on them and those they love most. I mean their daughter. When a parent has feelings of love for his child since the first time he lays his eyes on his new born baby, he becomes the human the most disgusting on earth because he become morally a pervert, a thief, a rapist and a murderer because he does this sin to his own blood, to the soul of his new born infant. How can I know? My own dad did it to me.
When we die, our soul which can be considered as a crystal block is broken. If we come back from heaven, this block comes back in two pieces. Our soul lives in a part of the human being to which we don’t have access. We have access to our intelligence, to our capacities, to our talents and to our heart. Our soul, only "GOD" has access to and only our truthfulness of our being and our prayers can touch him. To have my soul broken made me live an atrocious feeling of disconnection with my real me. This feeling was so atrocious that I just wanted to die to be in peace. Any peace would have been a benediction to me. But I knew that this peace would never exist for me if I killed myself. But to never live this moral pain would be in itself a blessing. The cost was to lose my soul forever.
If you want to see what a soul look like, think about a water lily flower. At our birth, this flower is a bud in flower. And as we grow, this bud grows accordingly to our evolution as human being. If one of your parents has feelings of love for you since birth, he kills this bud. He dispossessed you of the greatest treasure that you have. This parent steals you, rapes you and stabs your most precious possession, your soul. His greatest glory by having feeling of love for his newborn is to make is baby, boy or girl, a vile prostitute and his backyard bitch. The most cherish prostitute of dearest daddy and the worst bitch on earth. Your soul is the greatest treasure of "GOD" to you. To be dispossessed of it is being rape in a way that is atrocious and absolute. To accept this is the worst thing that a child could do because it lives in him at each moment like a dagger of burning venom in his flesh. A rape so degrading that even vultures would loathe eating such flesh. No parent will ever deserves such a sacrifice. Such parents are cheaters, thieves, rapists, vultures and the murderers of their own children they believe to love. "They are the slayers of their own blood." Oh, these children are love but a love from the sewer, from vulture and of disgusting and putrefied rot.
This is exactly what my dearest brothers did to their beloved "princesses." They have poisoned theirs daughters with the worst of themselves. Stephanie, Daniel’s daughter is the exact replica in feminine version of her father in personality, in morality and mentally. She never faced herself inside and had never felt her humanity. She’s a lake where the too quiet water is not asleep but dead. As to Cynthia, Marc’s daughter, it’s a different story. As a child, she was in heaven to be daddy’s cherished "princess" but in teenagehood she rebelled. One day a rage with no ends had emerge in her. Something atrocious and unhuman has been done to her. She didn’t know what or how but she felt it into her bones. Every time I saw her, I felt that hurtfulness rage in her. And every time I thanked "GOD" for these feelings that she felt because without them she would have been less than an animal, less than nothing. She would have been only the most hideous copy of her beloved-daddy. I pray for them and I hope that one day they will forgive themselves for the hurt given to them by their daddies. Only forgiveness can free from heartache and the moral poison it create in us.
You see, one of the reasons why I never stop to work on me was relate to that feeling of "princess." To accept to be daddy beloved "princess" mean that a child for his-self is less than nothing. This child is morally for his beloved-daddy only a "fucking bitch dog and prostitute of vile repute." A child who live morally where their vultures-daddies are living. The vultures being these beloved-parents whom have feelings of love since the first time they laid their eyes on their newborn baby child. For me, I always knew that I rebelled of being my daddy’s "princess" so what I didn’t understand was why life was so much against me? And mostly, why did it wants to convince me with such rage and absoluteness that I’ve never been anything but the worst "fucking bitch-dog and prostitute of vile repute" that ever lived. It’s a feeling that lived in me all my life.
It was like to have a living, burning, poisoned and invisible dagger in my heart that I never could remove, an ardent dagger. It was atrocious and disgusting to live with. The reason why I’ve been able to succeed in going out of that personal hell is that every time someone would something against me, I always could fell it. Being unable to have any feelings and not having the mechanism of my intelligence made me open me the feelings of everyone else and what they did to me. Even if I didn’t always know what they did, I always could feel if they did anything against me. When it happened, I imagined that I was holding the hilt of a dagger. I called it my "princess" dagger. I writhed and plunged that "ardent dagger" the deepest I could so no one could succeed to hurt me more than me about it, whatever they did to me. I preferred to die by my own hand rather than the hand of anyone else. With this "ardent dagger", I crucified myself with moral pain. And any pain is tolerable except the moral pain. It is like a brutal rape of bottomless burning torment. And I know that I’ve never been perfect but considering my evolution choice, how was it that this feeling of rape never left me? I should have some rest of it at least once a while. I never had any "fucking" rest. That was not normal at all. There was some "fucking" rotten fish somewhere there. I knew that it was part of the "shit" that I had to clean. I accepted because it was part of the path of life I chose when I was twelve. But I always told myself regarding life. "You, fucking shit bitch, I’m better never learn who is teaming with you to screw me because if it’s someone on earth, I’ll kill him." Could you guess who it would have been? It was my brothers, Daniel and Marc. I will not kill them with a weapon no I will only use words. They didn’t need to do anything. Since childhood, they hated me because I was daddy favorite son. At the threshold of adolescence, that they would destroy me, one day they will get me. Their rages and hatreds toward me were almost nuclear. It never stopped, just grew and poisoned them. They became the worst vultures they can ever become. No one else ever knew their true natures because I was the only victim of their hatreds.
By breaking that so-called "Golden rule" of silence that this terrible secret is, I mean the feelings of love that they have for their "princesses", I destroy the influence they had on my life. I submit them to the laws of life that live every person. Among those, one that said that everything you do to others always comes back to you. Their "princesses" by knowing the truth about their beloved-daddies feeling’s for them will break that devil’s link. Just knowing this will be enough for it. They will know into the depth of their being that for their beloved-daddies they have never been anything but "fucking bitches and whores of vile repute" not sexually but morally. Morality is one of the greatest treasures of any humane because it’s one of the gifts that he will bring with him when he will face "GOD", his creator.
Several years ago, after having being fire by my brother Daniel for whom I was working for at the time, I had in my hands copy of documents that prove the injustice and the illegality of their acts toward me when they tried to destroy my life. After being dismiss, the "Employment Insurance Benefit" wanted to cut my checks because they considered that I acted in bad faith and was responsible of my dismissal for six weeks instead of the two usual reglementary. I didn’t understand so I went to see them at their offices and I asked, because it was my legal right, to see my file.
I read the declarations, the first made in my name although I recalled writing my own, the second one written by Daniel and the last about the judgement by the Department of Labor. The one I supposedly wrote about the reasons why I’ve been dismiss by my brother Daniel and his janitorial company was a rotten rag. Whoever would have read it would have been convinced that I was a bonehead caring about nothing. Like I was saying, the sky is blue, the sea is quiet and I am paddling and fuck you all. Even if it seems to describe me and demonstrate certain traits, it wasn’t me at all.
I kept my calm without screaming because I smelled rotten fish. The second document was the declaration of my boss, Daniel you know who? I read it and the more I did, the more I was hurt and in rage. That dear brother only twisted all the facts and he wrote them with the dirtiest venom in the most disgusting way that I’ve ever seen use about anyone. My own brother had only implacable hatred for me, a hatred almost nuclear in itself. It was the most foul and abject writing. That’s when I saw his true rotten nature.
Once again, time stop and I look at all the facts without judging them.
Someone made my declaration disappear because the paper that replaces it is a piece of garbage. The person responsible of this didn’t even try to copy my writing. Only the woman responsible of my case could have done it but she would deny it. That rag was dictated by someone whom knew me well because it stuck too close to the appearance of me. The only person who could have order it was my brother. I know that they will deny but twice I mentioned the name of Daniel to that woman and each time she had vaginal pulsations. She became humid like a bitch in heat. Even if is has been predict to me by a medium whom read the palm of my hand, a part of me didn’t want to fight anymore.
4°. 3°. 2°.
My problem was that I’ve given already. I’ve been screw worst that anyone ever before. My own father did screw me even if I didn’t know how to prove it, life screwed when I was twelve and I would let these two nasty dogs screw me more?
"Hey, life, you and who, Tabarnac." Now, I was fucking mad. "Now, I was in Tabarnac."
I wrote four pages of a declaration wherein I describe what happened that evening with the all the information I could remember. It happened just a few weeks before so it wasn’t that hard. I explained why Thursday night we have borrowed, me and my brother Marc the mop from the bank the last place we had to clean to wash the floor of the first place to clean the day after. The mop of that office was unusable. That evening, we did the run beginning with that first place so we used the mop of the bank to wash the floor of that first place then we put the mop back in the Van. We then go and cleaned every location like the usual run and the last place to do was the bank. The plan was to bring the mop back from where it comes. I describe the snowstorm that night and even the kind of snowflakes falling. I then locked the door and join Marc in the Van and I gave him the set of keys of all the business we did that night. He drove me home, I was living at Mom’s house at the time. There we realized that the mop was still in the Van because we forgot to put it back in the bank but we decide that Daniel will take care of it Monday and I go inside the house.
The next Monday evening, Daniel asked me if I remember having locked the door of the bank, the Friday before. I said I thought so. He said, I need more than what you thought, did you lock the door of the bank after leaving the place, yes or no? I said that I thought yes but I will give serious thought to so I can give him a better answer. We let it there. The Wednesday evening, he tells me that the Friday next week be my last day of working for him. He fires me because he can’t use someone who isn’t responsible of his acts. OK, I don’t like it but it’s not the end of the world. I’m a janitor, sweet Jesus not the Prime Minister. I still keep a window open in me to understand.
We are cleaning the bank, the last place when I was hit by something. So I ask him "Monday when you came to the bank to meet the director, was the mop in the Van or in the bank?" It could be only one or the other. After giving thought to it he tells me that the mop was in the bank. Why? I then say "Ask Marc if he came back in the bank to bring the mop back because when he dropped me at Mom’s place, we both notice that the mop was in the Van." He told me that he would ask Marc and tell me his answer. When he answered me the a few days later, he said that Marc didn’t remember anything at all about it. Ah, that’s very interesting.
I rewrite all of this in my real declaration and I also said that if anyone read the declaration in my name and my brother’s one, I seem to be the worst vulture that ever existed in the universe but if you read my real declaration and after you read Daniel’s one, you realize how he twisted his lies, you see the truth of what happened and you see then the hatred that he really feel toward me and his nastiness. I also wrote to the "Employment Insurance Benefit" that if my payments weren’t re-established in my favor because it was provable that my case has been tampered with, I would sue in Justice the lady responsible of my case and then the federal government. I would use for that the copies of the documents that I requested on my case. Thereafter, I would go after Mr. Vallées, Daniel and Marc by their first names and I would have sued them in Justice for false declaration and professional defamation. I would have won and these two birds would have been in jail. My payments were re-established.
Still to this day, Daniel has never been able to answer to the only question I asked him about it. He say that he never bring the mop in the bank, he admit that Marc remember that the mop when he dropped me at Mom’s house was in the Van. But he can’t explain how the mop had materialize from the Van into the bank without Marc bringing it back even with the door of the bank unlock the Monday morning. And that because I didn’t have the set of keys of the van and neither the set for the business anymore because I gave that set to Marc. The only answer I ever had from him is "I dunno". Today, I close and destroy that invisible door they were using to get through me. The influence that they had on me doesn’t exist anymore.
I will also tell you something else, Daniel and Marc hated me absolutely not because I reveal to them and to you the truth about what motive them but mostly because I break this so-called "Golden Rule" of secret and silence concerning their daughters. You see, a true "princess" is never lied to about anything by her beloved-daddy. Except when the beloved-parent has feelings of love for his child. This is called a "fucked Christ psychological parental transfer." Because that "Golden Rule" is that any "princess" should never know the feelings of her beloved-parent for her. It goes without saying that all children whose parents have feelings of adult love for them, boys or girls are all "princesses." My nieces will read me because I let them know that I spoke of them and their daddies in this book and also that I hurt their daddies. To make sure that their daddy would be well prepared, I send them and their spouses and my other brothers a printed copy of what you are reading. You do not know it but for a "true princess" nobody on earth will ever hurt her daddy. It’s supposedly part of the "Golden Rules." Well, I "throw these Golden Rules in the fucking sewer" and if anyone disagrees, you’re just some "sick shithead fucked in the can" and the can being your head. This is now your "fucking shit", not mines anymore. That’s why my dear brothers hate me to death because I reveal to their "princesses" what have been done to them by their beloved-daddies. Thus you, the city where they live or even the whole world should know what they did meant nothing to them. Only the feelings of theirs "princesses" ever matters. They will never be able to swear one hand in the air and the other on their heart like when you swear solemnly that they never had feelings of love for their daughters since the first time they lay their eyes on them at the birth their baby. The "princess" syndrome has also very bad consequences on the life of children who accept that sickness from their parents. One is that this child will never love truly and will never be truly love. There is also that their lives will be only moral misery. It’s an atrocious feeling to live and only a parent with only hatred and contempt for his baby can do that to his own-child.
Today, "Thanks GOD", I am in peace. Never to use revenge give me the feeling that the justice of "GOD" is happening, finally. I also refused revenge because I know the cost of such an act. We always become like the one we use revenge on. To me, I would have become Daniel "Number 2." And I would never have been free of my past. I oblige myself to forgive them. I consider that everything they did against me is a blessing from "GOD" that liberated me from them. Without them, I still would be trap in that hell. Today, I am free and to stay that way, I bathe myself at every moment in this "light of GOD." I imagine each moment that this light is always on and directed on me. This way, I live "the joy of the light of GOD."
And to all those who have hurt me, I say "I forgive you all and I bless you all with the light of GOD" and I hope that peace and love that are true will be in this world for all of you. To reveal with this writing the most evil acts in broad daylight means that I bless any darkness of my past with "the light of GOD." All of that is in this world and in heaven exists only by the grace of "the light of GOD." Mankind by his pride has distance himself a lot from "GOD", his father. How can "the light of GOD" destroy the darkness? All that is hatred, lie, wrongful pride and falseness of any kind can’t live under "the light of GOD." All those who lived by their sins are only vultures and cowards believing to be heroes. How can I be afraid of anyone who is terrified by his shadow? The one who live and breathe by his lies will never be able to extinguish "the light of GOD." I will speak about the soul. Can a broken soul be repaired? I will show you how I did it by my suffering, my work and my humility. I will speak of your sins, all the one you’re doing so often to degrade you in the name of "GOD." Do you know that sins are like bells that resonate when they are done? "Do you know that they resound when you are sinning in the name of GOD?" I never ceased to hear the chime ringing out of your sins since the age of twelve. This is one of the reasons why everyone hatred me so much. I never judged your sins. I was the dripping bloody human pulp on which all of you got rid of their sins. Your sins were given to me like if I was the sinner of all their acts of cruelty. The second part will describe what I did when I was seventeen. I made a master analysis of my case. After that, I started working on myself to have my life back. Later I will explain why I have always chosen to do the most difficult, because of a seer who predicted me all my future. I was nineteen and she described to me my past, my present and my future. Until today, all she said to me has happen. It was a remarkable and terrifying experience. While she spoke, it felt like "Death" itself had its head on my shoulder and was speaking softly in my ear.
"Listen very carefully because you will have one chance, only one to succeed in your life so remember everything." To end this first part, I would like to share a promise I made to myself all these years. "If I succeed in getting out of that hell, I pray that I will not profit from human misery ever because it would mean that life and anyone who knew me have been always right to act toward me like I was the worst vulture that ever was."
Yes for life, I was the worst vulture that ever lived. I was a life thief and a rapist because I refused its verdict on me. Hitler was an angel compare to me. This is how I felt all these years. But for "GOD" each suffering is a sign of his "Love." His "Love" so the darkness will stop and make every human rejoices with him in beatitude. I know now that nobody ever gets his life and talent alone. We just do not know how much but we are never alone. When we are true and courageous we are always get help from "GOD." I’m not the only person who had heavy challenges in his life. But I know how it is almost impossible for a person born with differences or who becomes challenged to achieve any goals because their dreams are so far away from them. Most haven’t known better. The best way to help someone is to love that person for who they are as human being. Yes, the average person is more advantaged to achieve his dreams that a person born different. But it doesn’t mean that the less promoted person will never succeed. It will mean that he will be "more loves by GOD, he will need to work more." But for "GOD", we are "all his children." And the "absolute truth." is that "every human is the son of GOD." I hope that everyone who reads this book will be help in their lives. You know, what will destroy the earth isn’t the devil but mankind. Ah, yes you probably think that mankind has all the time in the world about the "Greenhouse Effect." After all "Greenpeace" are doing their jobs and are working on it. We don’t have to bother and the planet is surely safe enough as it is. After all, many groups, a lot of companies and so many countries are working to become "Green" to save the planet. No that’s where you are wrongs. It’s just not enough. There are still too many companies and countries that poisoned the ecosystem and there’s not enough cleaning of what’s damaged. The governments, don’t talk to me about them. It is to whom will fill his pockets the most. Supposedly for the better of everyone but mostly for the big multibillionaires would have nothing to pay in taxes so that the middle class eat all its "shit" or it’s the war for the one who will benefit the most of it financially. Alas, mankind doesn’t have all the time in the world. If all the countries don’t put all their efforts (people) and capacities (finance) and their wills together with now to repair seriously and completely the planet, turn all the businesses and the countries on "Green" and stop the wars, the end of the world will come. For the countries that continue destruction, do you know that China and Bangladesh are among the worst? But you will you tell me, China is renowned for its efforts and its works to become "Green" You know that China is the first exporter of footwear (shoes, boots, sandals ...) in the world. In each box that they export, they put a small white bag of "DMF." This product, "Dimethylformamide" is a material that is very cancer-causing, very toxic and that provoke extremely severe eczemas that are very painful, very difficult to remove and very expensive to treat. Each box that’s exported contains one these small bags of "DMF."
The Bangladesh as it has is the first exporter in the world of leather treated chemically for the fashion industry. The problem is that all the companies in this country that are processing the leather are using toxics chemicals that’s are very dangerous and which the use have even been banned in industrial countries. These toxics products are poisoning the water they use and that water is thrown directly on the street and discharges in the city sewers. Do you know what it does to the ecology of the planet? And them, they don’t need to be blame but to be help because they are among the poorest of the earth. Our sun also emits regularly sunrays very toxics which are so dangerous and so mortals for our planet. These sunrays are neutralized by waves of energies produces only by the Amazonian Forest. If these waves of energies were not produces, the toxicity of these sunrays would destroy all life on earth because they destroy all the molecules in any substance. All live would be extinct. I call these sunrays "Ultra-toxics Yotta sunrays, 1 Yotta = 1024." It means that the power of one UV sunray is multiplied by "24 millions." And like I said earlier all life on earth would die. Not in a day, more like about an hundred years but everything that exists on earth would be transformed into dust and in ruin. Everything created by mankind would be destroyed. Which wouldn’t be destroyed would only fall in ruin. You’re wondering what? It would begin by the smallest organisms then the insects, plants, birds, fishes and finally human. The first to die would be the babies, none would survive, then the children, the adults and the elderly. After that it would be the turn of every human creation because nothing resist at the toxicity of these sunrays that destroy molecules. Think about skyscrapers, bridges, planes and everything else. And only the Amazonian Forest can save mankind because of these protective waves of energies it produces against these "Ultra-toxics sunrays." In one episode of the TV serie "Planet Earth", they demonstrate and prove how the Amazonian Forest is essential for live on earth because it is not only one of the lungs of the earth but the Amazonian Forest is "the heart of the planet." I’m telling you this because some oil and mining Companies with the backing of the country where they are located like Brazil want to pump the oil under the Amazonian Forest and empty all the premium resources of the country. These companies are telling the whole world that they have found a perfectly secure way to pump the oil under the Amazonian Forest without destroying the Amazonian Forest. They do not care about anyone else opinion about it because their proof is that mankind will never protest when it will be finish. You wonder how? It is very simple there will not be one human alive. Only Corporations will exist because of their computer technology and in that future, they will be people. I mean that legally all Corporations will be declare legal entity representing mankind so they all will be consider Human.
Now, for the Companies, the fun begins. Brazil by teaming with the Oil and Mining Companies that wants to empty the country of all his natural and premium resources. The country is the puppet of these ultra-billionaires. They all don’t give a "fuck" about what will happens when the works will be done. The fact that "the heart of the planet" will die as a result and that nothing will protect the planet of the "ultra-toxic rays" emit by our sun mean nothing to them and it is most hilarious thing to them. Come on, it will never happen. "Ha, Ha, Ha" it’s only stories to scare children. That’s what they believe and what they tell you. How will it be so secure? You still wonder how? Well, first the Companies will have the same right and privileges than any human. And the human being extinct from the planet, only the legal entities, the Companies will exist. And the Companies will be Human. The Companies do not deny that the Amazonian Forest is the lung of the earth. The Companies just don’t say that the Amazonian is also "the heart of the planet." Like a human has only one heart, the planet also has only one. The companies just want to make more profit and will never complaint about the destruction of the Amazonian Forest and of all form of life on the planet. It is just that they refuse to face the consequences of their acts. Their motto is more money is more power. Don’t tell me that mankind can live without the oil under the Amazonian Forest because for that mankind would have to clean its acts and repair all the ecological microhabitats that he has destroy. These ecosystems are essentials for all life on the planet. If they are not restored, mankind will become more dependants of all the oil derivates. And if mankind doesn’t clean his act soon, one day he will have to destroy the Amazonian forest for its black gold. The humanity will then really be baked. And it will be too late. And today, mankind has the technology and the financial power to do it. This is also one of the other reasons why ultra-rich people do not want to pay any taxes to their governments. Many companies pay very little or no taxes in many countries because the politicians have given them such privileges. Their Corporations have so much free range to do not pay most taxes that the ultra-riches want now to be like their Companies. They emigrate in countries where the taxes are non-existant for the ultra-rich. They will become citizens of this country because these have laws exclusively so that there, ultra-riches have more privileges. They are now among the biggest "Fucking" thieves of the planet. Thanks to their Corporations and their wealth, these ultra-billionaires also have extreme privileges that few people outside their world have. To them, if you’re not from their group, well, "eat your fucking shit" and die if you don’t like it. They don’t say it that bluntly but it is what they think. Look what they do to the planet and to all the countries. Pollution, flooding, tornados, cataclysm, it exists only for you, the 99% of the humans because them they can replace anything they would lose.
Now, these ultra-billionaires by the influence of their wealthiest members in the world of politics want their Corporations to be consider legally people so they can do whatever they want in ecologic destruction, economic manipulation and in answering to no one else that their themselves, the ultra-billionaires. You will tell me that they are already doing it, yes but in many countries they are extremely watch and they are not free to do whatever they want. These ultrabillionaires by their legal entity, their Corporations, will be legally free to havoc on any country they wish, to any one they want to. Nothing will ever stop them. Why should they care for the planet or about you? The Corporations, they will be the people, the only people alive. Even if they are the only living things until they will be destroy by the toxicity of these "ultra-sunrays", well they will always be humans, the only humans of the planet. So, let them do what they want. First they go "Green" everywhere except where the countries are too poor. The Corporations tell you yes, we are turning "Green." Why don’t you look somewhere else? While you do that, we will empty the planet of most of its oils, its natural gas and its minerals like tungsten and gold and everything we can. We are going to begin with the fracking that is unsafe everywhere, it will poison all the natural and drinkable water on the planet. We even persuaded the Cars Companies that the more they pollutes, the more they like mankind and the planet. So nobody on earth will know the real situation because we don’t know it ourselves. We will "fuck" everything, the countries, any other Corporations, mankind and finally the planet. Nothing will stop us. Nothing can be change. If we don’t do it, someone else will. We have to destroy everything because we are all "fucking sick megalomaniacs." Fracking will also destabilise the earth crust and everywhere it was stable, there will be earthquake that could go up to 10 on the Richter scale. Not one city on the world has ever been built to stand such earthquakes so civilisation will be at its end. You don’t believe me? Then look at what happened in Haïti. It was a natural disaster for all the country. If the worst happen, most of the cities on the planet will look like that one day. Most of the cities in the third world and cities in Europe and in Asia haven’t been built to withstand earthquakes of force 10 on Richter scale. They haven’t been built to resist giant tsunamis and all the others natural disasters multiplied by a 1000. It will touch all the cities in Africa, in South America, in Europe like some part of London, Paris and let’s not forget Venice or Vienna. In Thaïland, in China, in Japan most of the houses are made of wood or of material non-secure for such disasters. All would be devastated, destroyed, flooded or buried under volcanic ashes. Many American cities would be destroyed. Don’t bother with the Nuclear Stations. We won’t need them because first, none is equipped with sensors that would alert us before an earthquake and these sensors exist. Secondly, even if these sensors were installed, they would be useless because at this point, the unbalance of the ecosystems will be so advanced that mankind will essentially need the oil under the Amazonian Forest. You all know now how all that the man will essentially need in oil will be pump by such a secure way that it will never destroy the Amazonian Forest.
Ah, yes, the oil having being pump from under the Amazonian Forest, the whole planet will not be protect anymore against the "ultra toxic rays" emit by our sun by the waves of protective energies produced by the Amazonian Forest. And when the Nuclear Stations will all disintegrate, remember that unprotected nuclear reactors will produce nuclear explosions like the one at Chernobyl. But it will be all the Nuclear Stations of the planet that will explode. The natural disasters, the "Greenhouse" effect, the earthquakes, the nuclear explosions. "Hello, Hello, are you still there?" Gees, I can’t hear you. That’s "GOD’S" answer to mankind after the apocalypse. You probably think that mankind has all the time in the world to see it coming. We’ll be able to be prepared in time. Alas, humanity doesn’t have all the time in the world. If all the countries don’t unite together seriously now to clean the whole planet and to stop the wars, the end of the world will happen. You’ve seen the State of New York when "Sandy" happened. The destruction made by a natural cataclysm made you cry. The natural cataclysms will be the first to destroy what mankind created. After, it will be the cataclysms created by mankind irresponsibility and by the ruins of micro-systems that mankind destroyed. If mankind refused to clean his "shit", the planet will clean itself very brutally and mankind will be extinct. The planet can’t protect itself and save mankind. It’s one or it’s the other. Do you believe that it an inhumane injustice? It is not one of the plagues of "GOD" like the ones in Egypt two thousand years ago. It is only the planet working to heal itself. Do you think that it can’t be worst? Wake up "Tabernac" because if a serious cleaning isn’t done by mankind, naturals disasters will be multiplied by 1000 and will rehappened until it’s too late. Not like you think with "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and it will not be the plagues of "GOD." "No, No, No", it will happen more naturally. I told you about the "ultra toxic rays" of our sun. Natural cataclysms will be "The four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." That is what will destroy life on earth because men and their Corporations are too ambitious, too arrogant. They want to be the wealthiest and the most powerful being in the universe. That’s what leads the world today, the Corporations. Anyway, no substance that exists to protect the planet can be produce industrially. The pumping of oil and gas should perfectly secure because the only human lefts would be the Corporations. You also know that not one oil Company ever invested in the security of their oceans platforms. You remember what happened in the United States when the ocean platform "Deepwater Horizons" was on fire in 2010. The "BP" Company had no relief plan of any kind and no way to stop such a calamity. The oil spill that followed is just one of the examples of what will happen on every platform on the oceans of the planet.
Are you able to see the whole picture or are you too stupid like every Companies are convinced? OK, let’s see the whole picture again. "The mega-storms, the tornados, the tsunamis and all the natural cataclysms will surge everywhere on the planet, the potable water will be poisoned, the Nuclear Stations will have exploded and earthquakes will destroy the rest." To make sure that the planet will be completely destroyed, the "ultra toxic rays" of our sun will destroy the molecules of all mankind created because the Amazonian forest will have been empty of its oil. No more cities, no more planes, no more houses and the cherry on the sundae is that you alive, you will see your babies, your children and grand-children, burn, fry and be calcinate under your eyes in your arms. Nothing could save mankind then. That’s what the Companies are doing right now. And will you stop being stupid and stop believing in their good heart? The only hearts of the Corporations are their bank accounts. Too many Corporations and too many government don’t "fucking" care of not having human beings to sell their oil, their cars, their computers and all the rest. All of them, they only want to the richest and the most powerful. Wake up "Tabernac" and look at what you let them do to the planet. Do you live to be rapists, criminals and murderers? The victims will be your own babies, your children and grand-children. Not one human being will survive if you don’t fight now. And all these corporations and the most powerful on this world will cry what they have lost. You will see them kneel to ask forgiveness to "GOD" cause then they will know that they have sinned.
The Corporations and all the powerful of the world are lying to through your teeth but look at the bright side, according to the Corporations and to most of the ultra-rich you are too stupid to realize what really happening, so you are too retarded to stop them, so you deserve the worst of what can happen to you. You believe all these people who are lying to you and are "fucking" you. You may refuse to face the truth and what you can do about it but I can tell you that the day that the unbalance of the ecosystems will be too advanced, you will feel it into your bones. The worst of all is that there is trillions of dollars to make in the recycling that would save the planet and mankind. Do you know that the sewer refuse are called brown-gold in the city of "Kristianland" in Norway. These reject from the sewer are transform in 100% methane gas non-pollutant and in fertilisation products. Yes, all the cars should use methane gas to function and be electrics to drive with. Everything that is using oil and its derivate should use methane or non-pollutant products. The Oil, the Mining ant the Automobiles Industries with the help of the countries could save the planet but for the moment, they invest trillions to destroy the planet. The world is truly upside down.
You will tell me but we save the whales, we protect the rhinoceros and we teach children in Africa to read. It’s surely something, no? Yes, it is something that will save the planet. Imagine what mankind will do when the oceans will be no life in, the earth will be without animals and the world will be without children because they will have die cook and burn in your arms and under your eyes. Are you all "fucking sick in the can?" the can is your head not the neighbour’s head. Each human being needs to work for the surviving and the healing of the planet or it is "Kaput Tabernac." I hope to be wrong but I think that in five to ten years, hell on the planet will really begin and you will see the impact of it in your lives. It will not happen just because of the Corporations. It will be a combination created by "the pollution, the earthquakes and the Greenhouse effect, the destruction of the ecosystems, the destructions of the forest, the explosion of the Nuclear Plants, the non-security of the oil platforms and the ultra-toxicity of the sunrays." Face the truth using the "THELIGHTOFGOD" and pray to be forgiven. Only "GOD" can save you and only being truthful can guide you toward "GOD." This is why I am writing this book. If you do nothing to clean your act, you will call the "Apocalypse" of hell on earth. Many wish to be saved without deserving it. I don’t have only that work in me, I also have songs, paintings and other books. I succeeded because I became an artist of my humanity. What else did I become? But I became a king, a small king but the king of myself, that’s all. When did it happen? Would you believe it? It was the 25 of December of the year 2011. It has been one of the most wonderful moments of my life. I will narrate you all the details in the next volume. Tonight before falling asleep, your sole may cry like you’ve never cry to this day. You will ask yourself inside "Is everything I just read is the absolute truth?" Your inside will tell you. You think that I speak too much of "GOD" to your taste even if you say that you believe in "GOD." Maybe you think that the little boy is a little too much of a believer for his own good? Do you think I had the choice? Seriously, think about it? In my mid-twenties, I even didn’t know if I had faith. When I discover it, I obliged myself to believe in "HIM" every day. It was to believe in "GOD" or it was such despair which I would never have gone out of, do you get it, "Tabarnac." I would have become "YOU." I swear in the name of "GOD" that everything I speak about is "the absolute truth." I swear it in his name on my honor and on the heads of everyone I love. Whoever refuses to believe the "absolute truth" on anything I wrote just has to swear in the name of "GOD" on the heads of their love ones that I am lying in any way with their left hand on their heart and their right hand open up in the air like when people sworn an oath and swear that I lied in any way.
The title of the book will be "THELIGHTOFGOD." A "FINANCIAL TRUST" is being set to manage the royalties that I could get from this book if I ever receive any. All the royalties I should receive one day from this book will be given to charities.
Thank you, Alain Vallée.
First text revision: Christine Platis Second text revision: Ethna
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