29 February 2013 Not the newsletter of the University of Sussex

Occupation continues

Sun “will never set” on Simon Fanshawe
One of the Chief Architects of Sussex’s bold New Future of Excellence Initiative, Fanshawe was awarded an OBE for Funereal Services to Higher Education in the New Year’s Honours.
In common with many an apparatchik of the Chinese Communist Party, over a long and highly principled “career” Fanshawe has taken the shining path from Maoism to Neoliberalism. As Chair of Council between 2007 and 2013, he spearheaded Sussex’s transformation from backward seat of learning to the 234th most successful revenue generator in the HE sector. The VC commented: “I would like to pay tribute to Simon’s fulsome embrace of the Growth through Change Agenda. His vacuous diversity rhetoric partnered perfectly with a re-purposed, re-energised strategic plan for endless STEP-Change. Like the British Empire on which the sun never set, Simon continues to shine as a Beacon for Diversity and Excellence in an uncertain world. We wish him well in his endless quest for self promotion and trust that he will now have much more time to update his Wikipedia page.”

The occupation of Sussex House by veteran trouble-maker Michael Farthing has entered its fifth year
Police have proved unwilling to move against the squatters, despite complaints from neighbours that since the initial occupation Farthing has moved in “more of his sort”. “The place is crawling with people in ill-fitting suits surreptitiously consulting Bluff your way in management” said one neighbour. “And the smell of excrement is unbelievable. I don’t know what they’re doing in there.” A spokesman for the University of Sussex staff and students said “We have called repeatedly upon the police to evict Michael Farthing and his cronies from Sussex House. The building remains officially part of the University – and yet we can see no signs of any serious thought, critical reflection, or research taking place inside.”

The John Duffy Centre for Cruelty to Puppies is delighted to welcome its latest appointment, former Guantanamo Bay commander Yesterday the VC gave his most detailed justification yet for the controversial policy of outMajor General Ram Paige. Paige will occupy a sourcing. Addressing an open meeting of the second rate change-averse grunts that constinewly created chair in Creative Restraint and tute the university’s staff, the VC spoke only in capitals so even the stupidest colleague Debasement Studies. John Duffy said: “We could understand: are so pleased that General Paige has chosen to come to Sussex to give us a practitioTHERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE CURRENT SERVICE, BUT WE’RE GOING TO CHANGE IT ner’s insight into the role that enhanced inANYWAY, AND IT’S DEFINITELY NOT SO WE CAN SAVE MONEY BY SHITTING ALL OVER SOME terrogation has to play in the academic marOF OUR LOWEST PAID STAFF. AS MANY OF YOU WILL BE AWARE THE PRIVATE SECTOR HAS A ket-place of the future. I for one wish we’d POT OF FAIRY DUST, WHICH ALLOWS THEM TO MAGICALLY REDUCE COSTS WITHOUT EVER had access to this kind of outside expertise COMPROMISING SAFETY, STANDARDS, OR FORCING PEOPLE TO WORK FOR DOG BISCUITS. years ago.”

Outsourcing – VC speaks out

The VC’s Diary

M:

Sack a few academics in those silly arty subjects that don’t really matter. Privatise Catering, Security, porters, etc.

T:

Campus walkabout. Remember to pack: map, one division of frisky riot police, my elephant gun. I’m told there are still some students out there.

Privatise university administration (Note to secretary: just pretend you didn’t see that for the time being.)

W:

Hmm, running out of things to mess with. Can I try and get Halliburton to sponsor International Development degrees?? Oh sod it, I’ll just buy another sports car, that always helps me think…

T:

I know, I’ll ask the Schools to randomly swap buildings even though they’re perfectly happy with existing arrangements. I’ve still got it!

F:

News in brief
Driving forward change – rear-ending the future
The University announced plans this week to drive change forward so hard and fast that, by 2018, they can give the future a massive great shunt. “We mustn’t think of the future as something that hasn’t happened yet” said University spokesman Dan Vacuous. “If we can’t embrace the future today then our competitors will get to the future first and build a business school on it”.

Dealing with the women problem
Exciting News of a New Initiative – by our Equalities Chief Dick S. Wing As you all know, the University has no problem with women. Really. Many of our most cherished wives are women – and don’t you think they let us forget it, the little minxes! We in the newly created group Vice-Chancellors Action on Girls (VAG) want to make the feminine experience at Sussex even more fragrant. As many staff will know, the upcoming Research Excellence Framework allows those of the female persuasion to offset maternity leave against their research submissions (in case any of the ladies want to come back part-time and dabble in the sad husk of what was a promising career). Many members of VAG have become extremely concerned that women might use this Special Treatment to game the system – pretending to have babies to reduce their research responsibilities. This type of behaviour demeans us VAG: Fighting gender inequality all and must be stamped out. In future it has been agreed that whenever a female “lecturer” gives birth, a member of senior management will be present to ensure fair play. I’m sure all women of good conscience will welcome the additional transparency this measure provides. Girl power! (within reason of course) Dick

University to move to “payment by results teaching”
Lecturers will be paid according to the number of students achieving upper second and first class marks under new proposals from The Head of Academic Safeguarding. He said “This is a sure-fire way of relentlessly driving up academic standards. It’s totally foolproof.”

Outsourcing: further clarification
Dear Service-User I have been made aware that there remain some misguided individuals who were less than 100% convinced by the VC’s comprehensive vindication of the University’s exciting new policy of outsourcing. Perhaps their dreadlocks were stuck in their ears, and they missed crucial aspects of his presentation. So let me reiterate the case very clearly for this innovative future orientated step change in excellence. In order to deliver the growth agenda, we need to partner with high quality stakeholders, as part of a competitive dialogue process that will benchmark at every level the change we want to be. We, a well remunerated and well lubricated group of sub-optimal to pisspoor former research professionals are of the conviction that the efficient reproduction of the most transparently iniquitous forms of marketisation will facilitate our escalation to higher tiers of the education sector, further enhancing our potential to procure robust and cutting edge recreational vehicles so that we might have some chance of de-emphasising our clear inadequacies as human beings through the distracting quality of valves and shiny metal. I hope that clears everything up. M Antoinette, Executive Pay Enhancer. Caller: My bathroom. I’ve locked the door. Operator: You’ve locked the door? Who else is with you? Caller: My gerbil Duffy and I identified intruders in A spokesperson for Sussex police said: “This sort of our dwelling. Anticipating a hostage situation, we took the reasonable step of locking ourselves in the thoughtlessness costs the emergency services millions every year and diverts time and resources from bathroom. [Noises off: “Roger! Roger!, where the hell are you? genuine emergencies.” The Bullshitten reproduces You haven't locked yourself in the bathroom again? one of the most egregious calls below: For Christ’s sake Roger”] Operator: Who’s that? Caller: Hello, this is an emergency. We are being Caller: Err... ahem... that’s my wife. Err, it appears held hostage. Please send as many police as you can. An armed response unit must get here as soon that we may have mis-identified the threat posed, err. as possible. Operator: It’s you AGAIN isn’t it? We’ve warned you Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: We are being held hostage. Held against our about wasting police time haven’t we? will by violent insurgents! Terrorists are attacking us! Caller: Erm, yes but Duffy felt it in his water, he’s very sensitive about these things … Operator: OK sir, calm down, where are you calling [Call terminated] from?

Students and staff no longer to be allowed to bring sandwiches to campus
A University spokesperson said: “you wouldn’t expect to be able to bring your sandwiches to the Westfield Shopping Centre, and campus is no different…”

University announces sponsorship deal with BP
Head of Probity Matthew Backhander said: “We approached the Gaddafi family, but unfortunately the LSE beat us to it.” BP will support a new course in marine management and corporate responsibility to be offered in 2014.

Sussex Police release record of bogus 999 call

Job Vacancy
Future-oriented Growth-bots are welcome to apply for the Yosi Harrel Chair in Modern Israeli Studies. You will join a dynamic team at the new Centre for Middle East Peace Studies. Experience building walls is essential. Aggressive Zionism may be an advantage. Applicants should send a covering letter and CV to Lord Weidenfeld, care of Michael Farthing.

Competition Corner
To be in with a chance of winning £2million, please send an invoice on headed notepaper to Sussex House. For a list of previous winners, see ‘Gang jailed over uni scam’, The Argus, 17 February 2013.

Growing a Sussex tradition
The finalists’ dissertation dash is to be superseded by the “Dash for Cash”. This will see private sector service providers scrambling with indecent haste to profiteer from our generous offer of bespoke monopoly service provision to a captive student population. Lots to celebrate!