Run Hollywood Summer By Dan Finnen

Copright (c) 2008 by Dan Finnen REGISTERED WITH THE US COPYRIGHT OFFICE

For permission to film or adapt to the stage, please contact Dan Finnen at info@dungheap.com Run Hollywood Summer was produced and released by Impaired Productions in 2009. You can watch it on the Impaired Productions YouTube channel.

FADE IN. EXT. LIBRARY - DAY BRYAN and HUGHES sit on opposite sides of a concrete picnic table. Bryan has his head down on the table, covering his face. Hughes stares at him. They have been sitting like this for some time. HUGHES Bryan. No response. HUGHES Seriously, we’re one day away from summer, what could you possibly be depressed about? No response. HUGHES Bryan Berks. No response. HUGHES Bryan I’m going to count to ten... Without looking up, Bryan slides a piece of paper over to Hughes. Hughes picks it up and reads it. HUGHES Wow. Really? You actually managed to fail Directing One? INT. BLACK BOX THEATER - DAY Bryan stands in front of his class introducing his final project. BRYAN As you all know, for our final project we were supposed to direct a boring old scene from Chekhov’s The Seagull. Like the mindless sheep they are, most students obeyed. However, I have decided to take it a step beyond normal. to make it interesting. To make it (MORE)

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BRYAN (cont’d) beautiful. To make it art. I have removed all dialogue and replaced it with only the core essence of the story: the emotion. My life changing vision of The Seagull. Enjoy. Bryan steps aside and two actors, one female and one male, enter the stage. They stare at each other for a moment, then abruptly start screaming histerically. The woman falls to her knees screaming and crying while the man screams and kicks a chair across the room. After a few seconds of this, suddenly they stop. THE TWO ACTORS End scene. EXT. LIBRARY - DAY Bryan’s head is still down. BRYAN They said I can’t be a directing major in the theater anymore. Bryan’s head suddenly pops up. BRYAN Wait a second. If I can’t direct theater... they didn’t say I couldn’t direct other things... HUGHES Bryan, I don’t think... BRYAN No! I don’t even like theater anyways, I’ve always loved movies! Any dope can talk and bend all weird like onstage! Stand up comedians do it better anyway! I’m going to direct film, and not only that, I’m going to direct the best film ever made! They’re going to be begging to have me back in the program after they see what I can do! 4

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HUGHES Why don’t we go get something to eat. Maybe relax for a bit. Perhaps prevent you from making some sort of rash decision with far reaching implications for both of our lives. BRYAN Not only am I going to direct film, I’m going to direct film now. I’m not waiting for nobody. We’re making a movie. This. Summer. ...Yes! HUGHES That sounds like a rash decision. But you’re not listening to anything I’m saying, right? BRYAN Right. This is going to be awesome! I can’t wait for this summer! Bryan goes to high five Hughes, who stares straight ahead. Bryan high fives Hughes’ head, then skips away. TITLE SEQUENCE INT. BRYAN’S KITCHEN - NIGHT One month later. BRYAN BERKS, CHARLES JERHOGANY, MINDY CHEEZAY, and HUGHES GENGHIS are all seated around Bryan’s dinner table playing Bullshit and talking. The camera slowly revolves throughout the scene to look at each of them. They are all college students, young men and women who all are just beginning their dive into the professional world. Bryan is a relentlessly energetic idealist who is always dressed up a bit too nice for the situation he finds himself in. There is boyish sense about him, a fascination with a world he doesn’t quite understand. Hughes, haggard and tired, is in a dress shirt and tie that looks like he just came out of a car wreck. There is a constant intensity about Hughes, and even when he sits still, which isn’t often, his mind is racing. 5 6

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Mindy is a gentle, kind girl who has a fragile sadness about her. She goes along with whatever she is told, as she does not want to upset others with her own misgivings and questions. Charles is a quiet, strangely imbalanced guy who is awkward with everybody he interacts with and is in a constant state of depression. He is easily steamrolled over by stronger personalities like Bryan and Hughes, and as a result, is intensely passive aggressive. Opening credits roll throughout this scene. BRYAN I want to do something that will change the way we look at movies forever. Four Jacks. HUGHES Bullshit. Bryan takes his cards back. HUGHES What about equipment? Money? We don’t have anything to shoot a movie with. One queen. BRYAN That’s the kind of thinking that’s really holding us back Hughes. MINDY We should make a sweet movie. Like a romance. Two kings. BRYAN You’re such a girl Mindy. But I wouldn’t date you any other way! CHARLES No. Let’s do something crazy. Something raw. Like that one time I saw a murder. One ace. HUGHES You didn’t... BRYAN Now we’re getting somewhere. A horror movie. We should do a horror movie.

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HUGHES Are you serious... BRYAN All the great filmmakers got their start with horror movies. Evil Dead launched Sam Rami’s career. Blair Witch Project started... those other people off. Star Wars made George Lucas a household name. Four twos. HUGHES Bullshit. BRYAN (Taking the stack of cards.) Darn it! MINDY Star Wars isn’t a horror movie. BRYAN I was scared. HUGHES Horror movies require money, special effects... one three. MINDY One four. BRYAN The Blair Witch Project. That movie inspired me. When I saw it, I was like, ’wow, they did that with two bucks and a super four camera. That means we can do anything.’ We are going to film the next Blair Witch Project. A no budget film. We can do that. El Mariachi style. HUGHES Has anybody seen the Blair Witch Project? Other than Bryan. Everybody looks at each other. Nobody has actually watched the movie. MINDY That’s the movie where the girl is all breathy, right?

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HUGHES Breathy? MINDY You know... Mindy gets in Hughes’ face and starts breathing hard like the girl does in the famed close-up in Blair Witch Project. CHARLES (Worried.) Is our movie going to scary? Two fives. BRYAN It’s a horror movie, why not? You know Charles, since you’ve always wanted to be a writer and you came up with the concept, why don’t you write the movie? HUGHES Um... CHARLES Really? BRYAN Sure! I’ll be the director and Hughes can be the producer. Mindy can be the stupid girl who gets killed. MINDY What? BRYAN Don’t worry about it Mindy, we know what we’re doing. MINDY ...Okay. BRYAN Guys. This is going to be great. We are going to make the best horror movie this side of the Hollywood River. HUGHES Hollywood River?

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BRYAN You know, the one they named Hollywood after. Four sixes. HUGHES Bullshit. BRYAN Damn it Hughes! INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - DAY 7

Charles is on the computer typing away while Bryan is pacing around the room. On occasion he drinks from a soda can. Hughes is laying on the bed with his arm over his head. There are posters of Ernest Chuck Thompson plastered all over the walls of the room. BRYAN (Pointing to a poster.) Who is this? CHARLES That is my hero Ernest Chuck Thompson. He is my inspiration. He fought in sis different wars, slept with over two hundred women and did every drug known to man. He wrote about what he survived until he crashed his plane into a mountain in Peru. BRYAN So he’s your role model? CHARLES Yep. BRYAN But you don’t do any of that. You sit by yourself in your room all day and watch internet videos. You won’t even go on a roller coaster because you’re scared. CHARLES Roller coasters are dangerous! BRYAN That’s the point!

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CHARLES (Changing the subject.) So what is this story about? BRYAN I’m working on it. CHARLES You’ve been pacing behind me for an hour, I’m running out of YouTube videos to watch. Wait a second... ’man in bunny suit falls down stairs’... keep pacing for a few minutes Bryan. BRYAN (Hit with inspiration.) I know! It is going to be about a group of young, attractive college students out on a road trip... HUGHES Oo, that hasn’t been done before. BRYAN And their car is going to break down... in a forest. A scary forest. CHARLES How is a forest scary? BRYAN Music. Shadowy figures. Ambient lighting. CHARLES What was the Blair Witch Project about? BRYAN Well... it was about witches... from Blair. You know, like after the Salem Witch Trials that were in Blair county. And the witches from Blair would steal babies from cribs and eat them at night. CHARLES That’s scary man.

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BRYAN Yeah, it was pretty intense. HUGHES How many pages are we into the script now? BRYAN (Overly annoyed by Hughes.) Calm the hell down Hughes, you can’t rush the creative process. CHARLES So a group of young attractive college students are trapped in a forested area that has lots of ambient lighting... BRYAN You know, I think we’re spending too much time trying to come up with a plot. We need to just start writing. Stream of consciousness. That’s how all the great writers do it. CHARLES Really? HUGHES You are so full of crap Bryan. BRYAN Do you want to write this? HUGHES Sure, give it here. BRYAN Stop trying to take over everything! HUGHES I’m... BRYAN I’m so sick of you and your business tactics and deomgraphical datas and... HUGHES What are you talking about?

10. BRYAN I need to take a break, I can’t deal with you right now Hughes. Bryan storms out of the room. Hughes and Charles look at each other. Bryan reenters. BRYAN Forgot my soda. Bryan grabs his soda and storms out of the room once more. INT. JERRY’S KITCHEN - DAY 8

Hughes and Bryan are in JERRY’S kitchen looking around. Jerry enters with camera equipment. Jerry is a well dressed, cheerful guy in his thirties. JERRY Here you guys go. The camera is in there plus some audio equipment and cables. HUGHES (Too polite.) I cannot thank you enough sir. BRYAN (Not impressed.) Is this it? JERRY There’s about nine thousand dollars worth of equipment in there so be careful. BRYAN (Looking into the box.) Whoa. JERRY I trust you Hughes, that’s why I’m letting you use it. But if you break it... HUGHES We buy it, I know. JERRY I got this from the studio I used to work at, so it’s a few years old, but it’s still in pretty good shape.

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BRYAN What kind of studio did you used to work at? Warner Bros or one of those other big movie places? JERRY Kind of... Our studio produced more like... porn. Basically. BRYAN Oh, wow, okay. HUGHES You want this back on August third, correct? JERRY Yup. BRYAN (Holding the camera.) Man, the things you must’ve seen though this viewfinder... HUGHES All right, thanks again Jerry. We have to head out. Come on Bryan. Hughes grabs the box full of equipment and nudges Bryan out of the room. EXT. MICRO CENTER MALL - DAY Bryan and Hughes are walking back to their car in the parking lot holding bags of tapes they just purchased. HUGHES I can’t believe this camera uses VHS tapes, who uses VHS tapes? BRYAN I don’t think my grandma even uses VHS tapes anymore. HUGHES I don’t think Amish people even use VHS anymore. CHIP HEY enters with her posse. CHIP HEY is an attractive, competitive young woman who is ready to destroy anybody on the way to the top. 9

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CHIP Hey look, its Uwe Boll and Ed Wood. What are you two clowns doing here? BRYAN First off, that was a really nerdy insult that I’m sure only one percent of the population would understand. Second, I’m buying tape media. Third, shut up. CHIP Oh, you guys are making a movie? That’s cute. By the way, last time I checked, Chippy Productions’ last short has well over one hundred thousand views online. What did your guys last sketch get, maybe three hundred views? BRYAN That’s all fine and well, but we’re actually in the process of making a feature length film, which is a little bit of a bigger deal than some stupid online sketch where a video of a donkey pooping on a guy’s face would rack up a million views in two days. CHIP Interesting, because right now we are in the process of making our own feature length movie. And it’s going to win the Cincinnati Flying Mammal Film Festival. BRYAN Hey, we were going to enter into the Cincinnati Flying Mammal Film Festival! CHIP I suggest you just give up right now, because this film festival is only big enough for one of us. We’re better than you. And you want to know something else? BRYAN Sure.

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CHIP We have a sex scene in our movie. With nudity. BRYAN ...No! CHIP See you at my premiere at the Cincinnati Flying Mammal Film Festival. Loser. Chip hits the bag out of Hughes’ hands and walks away. Hughes and Bryan look at Chip then at each other. HUGHES That was intense. INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - DAY Charles is typing away at his computer while Bryan paces back and forth behind him. Hughes lies on the bed with his arm over his head. BRYAN (Panicking.) They have a sex scene in their movie. With nudity. HUGHES Calm down Bryan... BRYAN How can we compete with that? HUGHES We can make a great movie that doesn’t require nudity. BRYAN We have no choice. Charles, write in a sex scene. CHARLES Where? BRYAN I don’t care, anywhere! Charles starts typing a scene. Bryan watches closely. 10

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BRYAN No! Not there! Here, I got this. Bryan pushes Charles off his chair and begins typing. INT. BRYAN’S KITCHEN - DAY 11

Hughes is sitting at the island while Bryan is making a sandwich that consists of butter, sugar and peanut butter on bread. HUGHES (Pointing at the sandwich.) Are you serious? BRYAN What? HUGHES No wonder you’re so high strung. BRYAN I like butter. I like sugar. I like peanut butter. I like bread. I like all those ingredients in one convenient package. HUGHES I see. So when are we going to get this script done? BRYAN It’s coming along. We got the a title. ’The Terror Within.’ HUGHES ...And what does that mean? BRYAN I don’t know, it’s just the title. Cool isn’t it? HUGHES You do realize that we need to be casting and getting locations now if we’re even going to have a remote chance at shooting everything before August? I mean, do we even have a basic plot set in stone?

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BRYAN (Defensive.) Yeah! A group of young, attractive teenagers get lost in a forest. And die. I think. Maybe. HUGHES We don’t have a plot yet. BRYAN Why does the script have to be done? Why can’t we just go ahead and cast people, get locations, whatever, now? HUGHES How am I supposed to know what locations we need if we don’t even have a rudimentary script? BRYAN We’re going to do things differently here. We are going to write the script and we’re going to do all those other produce-y things at the same time. Synergy. HUGHES Someday I’m going to harm you Bryan. BRYAN I know. EXT. ICE CREAM STAND - DAY 12

Mindy and Bryan are sitting at a table outside an ice cream stand. They are on a date, but they sit on opposite sides of the table eating ice cream. BRYAN The movie is going great. I think it’s going to revolutionize the way we view film. As an industry. Yes. MINDY That’s nice. BRYAN Are you excited to be in it?

16. MINDY Of course I am. BRYAN Do you want to be the star? MINDY What? BRYAN Of course you do! MINDY Well, I’ve been the star in all your other movies, so maybe this time you should let somebody else do it... BRYAN Stop being so modest. A great director needs a great actress as his girlfriend. MINDY ...Yeah. BRYAN So how do you feel about a sex scene? INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - DAY 13

Charles is typing at his computer. Bryan is pacing behind him. With a flourish, Charles finishes the last few words of a page. CHARLES Page... four. BRYAN What have we got so far? CHARLES A group of college students are in a car driving. And there’s a sex scene you wrote. BRYAN Hughes is going to kill us if we don’t get this together. We’ve been working on this for two weeks straight and we don’t even have a plot.

17. CHARLES Maybe we could do an art house film? Those don’t have plots. BRYAN I got an idea. Let’s outline this, stream of consciousness. We write down anything that comes to mind, no holding back. CHARLES Okay, so a group of college students... BRYAN Attractive... CHARLES ...Attractive college students are on a road trip... BRYAN ...to Mount Rushmore... CHARLES Mount Rushmore? BRYAN Don’t interrupt my flow. CHARLES ...They’re going to Mount Rushmore when... BRYAN The car gets attacked by a bear... CHARLES So they pull over... BRYAN And all of them go into the woods except for two of them... CHARLES And the two people in the car... BRYAN Have sex. CHARLES ...They have sex in the car and then...

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BRYAN The Blair witch of the forest straps a bomb to the car and blows it up... CHARLES So the others are stranded in the woods alone with the witch. Pause. Bryan looks at the screen and nods his head. BRYAN This is good. This is really good. EXT. BARN - DAY 14

Hughes is standing on a wooden fence enclosing a pasture in front of the barn. He waves his hand and calls to the horse that is eating. It does not pay any attention to Hughes. JIM BOY, an incredibly dirty young farmer in overalls walks up beside Hughes. HUGHES Hey there, nice to meet you. Hughes extends his hand to shake, but Jim Boy ignores him and spits on the ground. Hughes puts his hand back in his pocket. JIM BOY So you want to use my farm to film yer movie. HUGHES It would make an excellent location. Yes. JIM BOY Is yer movie gonna be one of them talkin’ pictures? I remember the good ol’ days when they were in black and white and you could get in with only a nickel. HUGHES You’re only like... what... twenty? I don’t think you’re old enough to remember that.

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JIM BOY So how do I know this movie won’t interfere with my farming operation here? HUGHES With all due respect, you’re not growing anything here and you only have one horse. Who seems to be rather standoffish I might add. JIM BOY Aw, don’t take any offense, he’s just been that way since I hit him with my truck. INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - DAY Charles and Bryan are continuing their conversation from scene 9. Bryan paces behind Charles, who sits at the computer typing. BRYAN The girl enters the lost cabin... CHARLES And she finds... BRYAN A lost tiki torch with magical powers... CHARLES That causes the girl... BRYAN To be eaten by a ravenous horde of gerbils. Pause. They admire their work. BRYAN I like it. Quirky, yet scary. Hughes enters the room. BRYAN Hey! How’d location scouting go? HUGHES It’d be a lot easier if I knew what we were actually looking for. So (MORE) 15

20. HUGHES (cont’d) far I got us a farm and a forest. How’s the script coming along? Charles and Bryan look at each other. BRYAN We have a plot now. CHARLES ...Sort of. INT. BRYAN’S KITCHEN - NIGHT 16

Bryan is making a lettuce sandwich that consists entirely of lettuce and bread. Hughes sucks at an empty juice box. After a pause. BRYAN It’s empty. HUGHES Leave me alone Mr. Lettuce Sandwich. BRYAN I’m just eating healthy! HUGHES You’re eating lettuce and bread. Why don’t you put some turkey on there, mayo, anything? BRYAN At least my lettuce sandwich... stop making that sucking noise! HUGHES (Making louder sucking noises with his straw.) You’d like me to stop, wouldn’t you? BRYAN Stop it! HUGHES (Louder.) I’LL MAKE SUCKY NOISES IF I WANT TO! Pause.

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HUGHES That was loud. BRYAN ...Are you okay? HUGHES No. What if this movie doesn’t get made? BRYAN What do you mean? Of course it’s gonna get made. HUGHES We don’t have any actors, we have two random locations, no equipment, no script... we only have two months to get this all together. BRYAN What’s the worst that could happen? We don’t have a movie. HUGHES Exactly! All this work for nothing! BRYAN It’s not for nothing! We’re doing this because we love it! I’m having fun. Aren’t you having fun? HUGHES No! BRYAN When this is finished you’re going to feel so great, like you just climbed a mountain. Those people climbing Everest don’t have fun doing it until they get to the top. At least the ones who don’t die brutally freezing to death on the way up. HUGHES I’m just stressed out right now. I’ll feel better once we get the script done. And you said it’s only a few pages away from finished, right?

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BRYAN ...Yeah. HUGHES By now you know all the characters in the movie, right? BRYAN ...Of course. HUGHES Why don’t we go ahead and hold auditions? That gives us more time for shooting if we get that out of the way now. BRYAN That sounds great. Let’s do it! INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - DAY Charles is typing on the computer. Bryan bursts into the room. BRYAN We need to make up a character list for the whole movie. Fast. CHARLES How can we do that? We’ve only written five pages of the whole movie. BRYAN Make it up! Hughes is going to set up auditions tomorrow and he wants a list today. CHARLES Doesn’t he know we aren’t even close to finishing the screenplay yet? Silence. CHARLES Oh. I see. 17

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EXT. BRYAN’S BACKYARD - DAY

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Bryan and Hughes sit behind a card table with a cardboard sign that has ’Auditions’ scrawled on it. Their papers keep blowing away. We come in on the middle of CLARK MESHAY’S audition. He is reenacting a scene from the Matrix Reloaded. He is portraying Neo as he fights the hundred agents, except he is pantomiming all the fighting. He makes punching and swishing noises. Clark is a dashing, athletic young man that retains a highly boyish attitude about him. At some point Clark says ’Mister Anderson’ to signal to the audience he is doing the Matrix Reloaded. Bryan is mesmerized by Clark’s audition. EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - DAY 19

Charles is signing people in for auditions. After signing a few in CREEPY GUY is next in line. He wears a trench coat and is sweating profusely. CHARLES Oh. Hey there. What are you auditioning for? CREEPY GUY Is this the audition I heard about on MySpace? CHARLES ...Yeah. Do we know you? CREEPY GUY I’m Hughes’ friend. You might know me as Hotteenxxx3. CHARLES Okay... what role are you going out for? CREEPY GUY Oh, none, I’m just going to watch. And take pictures. Hughes enters.

24. CHARLES How are the auditions going? HUGHES Could be better. I had to take a break. Who’s this guy? CHARLES Hotteenxx3. HUGHES (Yelling out to the other people milling about.) Does anybody have the number for ’to catch a predator’? CREEPY GUY I’m going, I’m going! Creepy Guy shuffles away. EXT. BRYAN’S BACKYARD - DAY 20

Mindy is auditioning. She stands in front of them nervously, shifting her weight and looking around. Bryan is hunched over the table while Hughes slouches in his chair in exasperation. MINDY What do you want me to do Bryan? BRYAN (Trying to sound encouraging and not let his frustration show in his voice.) Do your monologue! You know, the one we practiced! MINDY Okay... um... So one day I was... walking... when I... saw... a person... uh... So one day I was walking when I... saw... a cat... I can’t remember! BRYAN It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Why don’t we just skip right to the cold readings, shall we? Here, read this. Bryan hands Mindy a script.

25. MINDY (Reading in a monotone.) ’The car pulls off to the side of the road. Camera pans from behind left wheel to reveal...’ BRYAN Don’t read that, read the dialogue on the bottom of the page. MINDY Oh. Sorry. ’Your feminine wiles fascinate me Mary.’ HUGHES You have got to be kidding me. MINDY I’m sorry! I’m so bad at this! BRYAN Hughes didn’t mean that. You’re doing great. Now trying reading the girl’s part. MINDY (Reading in a monotone.) ’I love you. You are handsome. I want to touch you.’ BRYAN Wow! Great job! MINDY Really? BRYAN Of course! Bryan looks at the paper he’s holding. BRYAN You’re willing to do a sex scene, right? MINDY I... BRYAN Excellent! Tell Charles we’re ready for the next person. Mindy exits. Hughes gets up.

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HUGHES I’m going to get something to drink. Hughes exits. Charles walks up behind Bryan. CHARLES Has he realized that we’re using a decoy script yet? BRYAN I don’t think so. EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - DAY 21

Charles and Hughes are talking to a frustrated girl, LAURA LARS. Laura is a stereotypical party girl who doesn’t carry much in the brains category. HUGHES Okay, you put down that you’re only available from three to six a.m. on Tuesdays. How do you expect us to be able to use you in this film? LAURA Why not? HUGHES We’re not going to be filming from three to six a.m., we’re going to be sleeping. LAURA I don’t want to film at three in the morning, are you crazy? HUGHES Wait, what? CHARLES You wrote on your form that you can only work from three to six... LAURA Oh. I thought that was when we couldn’t be available. Three to six a.m. on Tuesdays I have my pottery class.

27. HUGHES What kind of pottery class are you taking? CHARLES I’ll fix your form, please wait over there. EXT. BRYAN’S BACKYARD - DAY Hughes is standing around by himself looking for Bryan. He calls over to Charles. HUGHES Charles! Where the heck is Bryan? He said he’d be on break for only a few minutes! Bryan appears dragging a disheveled, dirty young man named ANTONY O’FILE behind him holding a flask. It is clear that he is under the influence of alcohol and perhaps some additional substances. BRYAN I got him! I got Antony! HUGHES Oh my god... why did you have to bring him? ANTONY I will punch you in the teeth! HUGHES Bryan, you know he’s impossible to work with, the man’s an alcoholic! BRYAN I found him in the bushes, just let him audition! HUGHES Fine. BRYAN All right Antony, all you have to do is just go up there in front of us and do a monologue. Okay? ANTONY You want me to dance? Dance for Mr. Pretty Boy over there? 22

28. HUGHES See what I mean? ANTONY (To Hughes, sharp.) Shut up! I’m auditioning. Antony stumbles in front of the card table and Bryan sits down. Antony stares them down for a second, then takes a massive swig from his flask. Suddenly, Antony twitches and goes into a trance-like state and gives a brilliant monologue from Shakespeare’s Love’s Labour’s Lost. ANTONY ’I can but say their protestation over. So much, dear liege, I have already sworn, That is, to live and study here for three years. But there are other strict observances: As to not see a woman in that term, Which I hope well is not enrolled there; And one day in a week to touch no food, And but one meal on every day besides, The which I hope is not enrolled there. O, these are barren tasks, too hard to keep, not to see ladies, study, fast, not sleep.’ Antony pops out of his trance then takes another swig from his flask. HUGHES I have no idea what the hell that was about, but that was brilliant. You’re in. BRYAN Told you. ANTONY (Raising his flask as he stumbles away.) Audios, girls. EXT. BRYAN’S BACKYARD - DAY Hughes and Bryan are sitting behind the card table going through some papers. CLAIRE SNIFE, an attractive girl wearing rather revealing clothing stands in front of them. Hughes awkwardly tries to not look at her directly, while Bryan just stares. 23

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HUGHES So... Claire, let’s hear your monologue. CLAIRE I wrote it myself. BRYAN (Not breaking his stare.) That’s so awesome. CLAIRE (Her monologue.) As I stepped out of the shower I felt a drop of water roll lazily down the small of my supple, nude back. Suddenly he burst into the bathroom, breathing heavily. I let my towel drop to the floor, and I stood bare before him, feeling the hot moisture of his breath fall upon my exposed chest. I felt his strong, manly hands grab me in my... HUGHES (Interrupting.) Okay! Thank you! That’s enough! You’re in, thank you for your time. BRYAN That was incredible. I need to go to the bathroom. CLAIRE Thank you boys. Claire confidently strides away as Bryan rushes off to the bathroom. EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - DAY Charles is arguing with STAR UMPLING, a girl holding an enormous amount of props. Star is an oddly dressed young woman with mismatched colors and massive earrings. CHARLES I’m sorry, but you aren’t allowed to use props in your audition. 24

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STAR I don’t need this, my character does! CHARLES Can you tell your character to do the monologue without the props? STAR I’ll try. But she is in a very bad mood today and I don’t think she’ll listen. EXT. BRYAN’S BACKYARD - DAY 25

Bryan and Hughes are sitting behind their card table. HAROLD NIPSING enters. He is a well dressed, good looking young man who presents himself courteously and professionally. BRYAN It says here on your form that you want to audition for the role of Jeb. HAROLD Yes, that is correct. BRYAN You realize that Jeb is gay, right? HAROLD Yup. I’m gay too. BRYAN (Laughing.) Sure, sure. That’s funny. HAROLD No, really, I’m gay. BRYAN You don’t look gay though. HAROLD What is a gay person supposed to look like? BRYAN Tight pants, lots of pink... you know...

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HUGHES (Interrupting Bryan.) Why don’t you take a look at this page and read Jeb’s lines for us? HAROLD Okay. Harold does a decent job of reading the following. HAROLD ’No, I won’t let you go into the woods alone, that’s suicide! Do you know what’s happened in those woods? Terrible things, that’s what! Let’s just stay in the car and wait for our friends to pick us up, at least we’ll be safe here.’ HUGHES Good job, now can you... BRYAN (Interrupting Hughes.) What was that? That was awful! That didn’t sound gay at all! HUGHES Bryan, please... BRYAN No! I want you to be all like ’Hey girl, I don’ wanna go in the forest because its, like, all buggy and will mess up my perfect hair’ and, and, ’a girl like me don’t belong in no woods.’ Stuff like that! I might as well play the role myself! HUGHES (Ignoring Bryan.) Thanks for coming, you’re free to go, we’ll call you within a few days. BRYAN The best we can hope for now is to put some storyline in about a gay guy who reads the Bible and becomes straight.

32. HUGHES Have a good day Harold, we’ll see you later. Harold leaves glaring at Bryan. BRYAN I wish people would be more progressive. He could at least be proud of his gayness. Hughes sighs deeply and puts his face in his hands. EXT. BRYAN’S BACKYARD - DAY Bryan and Hughes are watching Star, who is doing an interpretive dance and yelling a tribal chant. When she finishes both Hughes and Bryan slowly clap. HUGHES That... that was very different. Now can you read from this page for us? STAR You want me to just read from that page? HUGHES Yes. Exactly. STAR Where’s the character? Where’s the soul? HUGHES I’ve been watching auditions for the past four hours, just read the stupid script. STAR Fine. What part? HUGHES The girl at the bottom of the page. STAR (Severe overacting.) ’Hey guys, let’s go into the woods. Maybe somebody there can help us repair our broken car. It does not look scary in the woods. Let’s go in the woods.’ 26

33. BRYAN Very nice, okay. One more thing. Are you willing to do a nude scene? STAR A nude scene... like be naked on camera? BRYAN Yeah. STAR Uh... I’m not sure... Antony stumbles in from behind Hughes and Bryan. ANTONY If you don’t take your top off right now, you’ll never work in this town! Hear me? TAKE IT OFF! WOOOO! SPRING BREAK! HUGHES Didn’t he leave? BRYAN (Getting up.) I got him. INT. BRYAN’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Charles, Hughes, Claire, Mindy, Antony, Star, Clark, and Harold are all sitting down in folding chairs in a circle. Bryan passes out scripts to everybody. Each script is only four pages long. The actors flip through it as they get the script and look at each other, silently saying, ’is this it?’ BRYAN Everybody got a script? HAROLD I only got four pages. BRYAN About that... as you all know feature film scripts are not usually four pages, they’re usually... thirty or so pages. Why do you think we gave you a four page script? 27

34.

ANTONY Because you’re incompetent and can’t write a script to save your life? BRYAN ...Anybody else? HUGHES No, I think he was right. BRYAN Has anybody here heard of improvisation? Like on ’Who’s Line is it Anyway’? Yeah? What we’re going to do is read the first few pages here of the script, to sort of establish your characters, and then you’re going to use that to improvise the rest of the script. Got it? MINDY So we have to make everything up? BRYAN Don’t think of it as making it up... improvising. ANTONY I’m not getting paid enough for this. HUGHES You’re not getting paid anything for this Antony. ANTONY Oh. Why did I sign up to do this? BRYAN Let’s get started. Remember, we’re doing things differently in this movie. We are going to revolutionize the craft of film. And this is our first step. HAROLD (Looking through the script.) Who wrote this?

35.

BRYAN I did. CHARLES Well, actually I... BRYAN Charles helped a bit too. Now if you’ll look at the script you’ll notice that we’ve changed all the character names to your names to reduce confusion. STAR My name isn’t on here. BRYAN Your name is Star. We can’t call the Boor Witch the Star Witch, that’s retarded. Seriously, who names their kid Star anyway? Now, Hughes can you read the action for us? HUGHES If I must. Everybody shuffles in their chair and gets ready to read. HUGHES (Reading.) The Terror Within. Written by Charles Jerhogany. Heavily revised and rewritten by Bryan Berks. BRYAN I basically wrote it. CHARLES I also... BRYAN I just want people to know who did what Charles. HUGHES (Reading.) The characters are... BRYAN You don’t have to read all that, start down there.

36.

Bryan points out a spot on the lower half of the first page on Hughes’ script. HUGHES (Reading.) Scene one. Five young, attractive college students are riding in a van together. They are in the Midwest. The area is foresty. The names of the people in the car are Mindy, Antony, Claire, Clark, and Harold. Harold is gay. MINDY (Reading.) Wow, we’ve been driving for a long time. CLARK (Reading. Struggling with the words.) Yes. We. Have. ANTONY (Reading.) Are we there yet? I need to work out. My abs hurt from not working out. HAROLD (Reading. Very normal.) We girls need to calm down. Does anybody have any lipstick? BRYAN Are you serious? HAROLD What? BRYAN (Deep sigh.) We have a lot of to work to do. I can’t believe you were the only gay guy to audition. HAROLD Excuse me? HUGHES Doing good guys, let’s keep going!

37.

CLAIRE (Reading.) I cannot wait until we arrive at Mount Rushmore. CLARK (Reading, struggling.) This. Is. Going. To Be. The. Best. Spring break. Ever. BRYAN Okay, boring. Let’s skip to Mindy’s line at the bottom of the page. MINDY (Reading.) The car is breaking down! THE ACTORS (With absolutely no enthusiasm.) Aahhhhhhhhhh. HUGHES (Reading.) The van pulls off to the side of the road. There is lots of smoke. Everybody gets out of the van and looks at the damage. It is bad. They are by the forest. MINDY (Reading.) We’re stranded. HAROLD (Reading.) Oh my, I think I broke a nail. CLARK (Reading, still struggling with words.) It looks. Like. We. Need to. Go. Help. Because. The car is. Not. Going. To get. Start. Ed. Again. And. BRYAN Didn’t anybody teach you how to read? Let’s just skip that monologue.

38. ANTONY (Reading.) Me, Claire, and Harold queer Bryan this is offensive... Antony pauses and looks at his script closer. ANTONY Wait, I’m confused. HAROLD What is this? The cameraman walks up to Harold and looks at his script. Harold is crossed out with queer written next to it, then Charles’ note next to it. HAROLD This is really inappropriate. CHARLES Told you. BRYAN It’s a script, okay? I trying to add a little relief. Jeez, am I the with a sense of humor? Antony. was just comic only one Continue,

ANTONY (Reading.) Me, Claire and... Harold will go into the forest and search for help. You and Mindy stay here with the car and protect it. CLARK AND MINDY (Awkwardly trying to read at the same time.) Yes. We will do that. HUGHES (Reading.) Antony, Claire and Harold exit into the forest. MINDY (Reading.) I want to have... I want... I want to have... sex... Mindy stops and looks at Bryan.

39.

MINDY Do I have to read this right now? CLAIRE (Jumping on her chance.) I’ll read it. BRYAN Thank you Claire. That’s the kind of work ethic we need around here. Take it away. CLAIRE (Reading.) I want to have sex with you. CLARK (Reading.) Yes. We. Are. CLAIRE (Reading.) I am stripping. HUGHES (Reading.) Mindy is naked. CLARK (Reading.) You. Make. Me horny. HUGHES (Reading.) Mindy and Clark have sex. CLAIRE (Reading and getting way too into her lines. She makes incredibly graphic ’lovemaking sounds.’) Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh god, oh god, yes, yes, YES, YES OH MY GOD YES!! While Claire goes overboard with her part everybody shifts around uncomfortably awkward. CLARK (Reading, struggling.) That was hot. Why don’t. You. Go. Check on the. Tires.

40.

HUGHES (Reading.) Mindy walks outside the van wearing nothing but a towel. The van explodes. CLAIRE (Reading.) The van just exploded with Clark inside. I am wearing nothing but a towel. I must find the others and tell them what happened. The Boor Witch must’ve attached a bomb to the van. HUGHES (Reading.) Mindy goes into the forest wearing nothing but a towel. Scene two. Antony, Claire, and Harold. Hughes stops and looks at Bryan. HUGHES That’s it. BRYAN Time to do some improvisation! Just let out whatever comes to you, don’t censor yourself. ANTONY I’ll start. BRYAN Thank you Antony. Antony clears his throat. ANTONY Oh no, a giant spider is attacking us! BRYAN Yes! Yes! Great! STAR I am the Boor witch, I have sent this foul creature upon you! CLAIRE Ahh!

41.

MINDY Wait, am I playing Mindy or Claire? BRYAN Shh! You’ll ruin the flow! CLARK We need to run away from the spider! ANTONY Oh no! I’m being attacked by aliens from outer space now! CLAIRE What? That doesn’t make sense! BRYAN No! Don’t deny! Go with it! CLAIRE Okay... oh no, space aliens. ANTONY Good thing I brought my rocket launcher! Claire get it out of my Hummer. CLAIRE ...Got it. ANTONY Bill Clinton, get off of me, I need to save the world from a gigantic grizzly bear! Claire! Oh no, you just turned into a man! We must get the crystal of summons to save the world! Oh my god, a ferret is clawing its way out of my spleen! Run! RUN! Everybody is staring at Antony. Antony stands up and tosses his script on the floor and puts on his coat. ANTONY We better have a script by the time we start shooting or I’m not doing this. I’m out. Antony exits. Everybody is silent.

42.

BRYAN I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like that went really well. Great job everybody! Bryan claps enthusiastically as everybody else puts on their coats and leave silently. INT. BRYAN’S LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN - DAY 28

Hughes is sitting at the couch flipping through excessive amounts of random paper. DILL, a slightly heavyset but healthy young man with a very professional demeanor sits on on the sofa waiting for Hughes to say something. In the kitchen Bryan is eating a sandwich. Hughes and Dill are in an interview. After several seconds of flipping around papers meaninglessly Hughes speaks. HUGHES So you’re interested in working as a cameraman. DILL Yes. HUGHES Have you ever used a camera before? DILL I have twenty-six short films on my resume, and I have also worked on five separate live shows at college as well as one professional news show. In my free time I film weddings and other events for money. I’ve also worked as a cameraman for three feature length films, one of which is currently showing at Sundance. HUGHES (Awe and fear.) Wow. Um... I don’t think we can use you. DILL Why not? HUGHES You have...

43.

DILL Too much experience? HUGHES Yeah. You should be directing this. DILL That’s fine then, because I made all that up. HUGHES (Puzzled.) You... lied? DILL I padded my resume a bit. I’ve actually never used a camera before. HUGHES Never? DILL Nope. What’s a camera? HUGHES Then I guess we can’t use you, we need somebody who knows what they’re doing... DILL I was lying again. HUGHES (Perplexed.) What? Who are you? DILL I said I was Bob earlier, but I’m actually named Dill. HUGHES (Growing more confused.) How do I know you’re not lying to me? DILL I guess you’re going to just have to trust me. HUGHES ...I see.

44.

DILL Did I get the job? HUGHES ...No... DILL Excellent! Thank you sir! You will not regret your choice! HUGHES You, you didn’t get the job. DILL Was there a better candidate for the position? HUGHES Sadly no, but I’m kind of a afraid you’re going to murder me. DILL I see. I really didn’t want this job anyway. I was just here for the food. HUGHES I didn’t give you any food. DILL (Suddenly angry.) Damn right you will! Dill storms over to Bryan’s kitchen, throws open the refrigerator, stuff handfuls of food into his shirt, mouth and pockets, and leaves. Hughes and Bryan stare after him. INT. BRYAN’S KITCHEN - NIGHT 29

Bryan is standing at the counter absentmindedly eating a lettuce sandwich and staring straight ahead. Hughes is sitting at the counter also staring straight ahead but in a different direction. He takes a drink from his juicebox. HUGHES Did I tell you that I never found us a cameraman? BRYAN Really?

45. HUGHES Yeah. You’re going to have to do camera duty and we’ll use Charles to hold the boom. BRYAN Okay. Pause. BRYAN We’re actually doing this. HUGHES Yup. BRYAN We’re actually going to film a movie. HUGHES Something like that. BRYAN I think I’m going to throw up. HUGHES Principal shooting starts tomorrow. BRYAN How are we going to do this? We don’t even have a script done! HUGHES You pick now to finally listen to what I’ve been saying all along? Charles will write the scenes as we film them. BRYAN How am I going to check over and revise the script then? HUGHES Charles is the writer. You are the director. Let him write. BRYAN But... HUGHES No. (Pause.)

46.

BRYAN Could... HUGHES No. BRYAN There’s no way we’re going to be able to pull this off. HUGHES Yes we will. The movie probably won’t look or sound like anything close to what we want and will be terrible, but we’re making this movie no matter what. I don’t care if the entire cast dies and the camera blows up. This film is going to be made. EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - DAY 30

Bryan is cluelessly trying to put a tape into the camera backwards while the actors arrive and mill about bored. Bryan snaps a switch off the camera trying to force it open and swears to himself. Harold, who has been standing behind Bryan and watching him struggle, speaks up. HAROLD Hey, if you push the... BRYAN I don’t need any help! HAROLD Fine. Harold walks away. BRYAN (Muttering under his breath.) Gay people don’t know anything about cameras. Hughes enters and walks up to Bryan. HUGHES All the actors are here, have you figured out the camera yet?

47.

BRYAN I’m about ninety-five percent there, just need to put the tape in and turn it on. HUGHES Do you know how to do that? BRYAN Of course I do. HUGHES (Doesn’t believe him.) Show me. BRYAN I’m not going to do it right now. HUGHES Why not? BRYAN It’s bad for the tape. HUGHES Really. BRYAN Humidity. In the tape deck. It’s complicated. HUGHES I really wish you got the equipment out and tested it before the first day of shooting. BRYAN I... HUGHES Just have it ready by the time we start. BRYAN So did you get the van? HUGHES What van? BRYAN We’re shooting the van scene today.

48.

HUGHES You didn’t tell me you needed a van! BRYAN I thought you knew! HUGHES What kind of van do you need? Like a mini van? We can get one of those. BRYAN No, not a mini van, that’s stupid. I want one of those huge hippie vans, the VWs. HUGHES Where in the hell am I going to get a working sixties era VW van? BRYAN Don’t ask me, that’s your job! HUGHES We’re not going to be able to get one of those Bryan. BRYAN Looks like you just ruined the movie. HUGHES Tell you what, why don’t you film all the van interior scenes in your car, and then we’ll get some shots of a van from the outside that we can use as an establishing shot. BRYAN You think that’ll work? HUGHES The audience will never know. BRYAN (Yelling.) Everybody, to places! All the actors stare at Bryan. Nobody is quite sure what he means by ’places.’

49.

BRYAN (Slightly deflated.) We’re going to start now. EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - FORTY MINUTES LATER Clark, Mindy, Antony, Harold, and Claire are all crammed into Bryan’s compact car. The doors are all open and the actors are about to pass out from the heat. Bryan is sitting next to the car, still trying to load the tape into the camera. Charles is leaning on a boom mic, about to pass out. The boom mic that Charles is holding is constructed out of a broomstick with a microphone duct taped to the end. CHARLES Can we just go in while you figure that out? BRYAN No! I almost got it! HAROLD You need... BRYAN (On edge, finally snapping.) SHUT UP! I GOT THIS! Pause. Bryan knows he’s overreacted. BRYAN (Fake politeness.) Sure Harold, why don’t you give this a try? Harold gets out of the car, grabs the camera, pops open the tape deck and puts the tape in. Easy as pie. He hands it back to Bryan. BRYAN I... I must’ve knocked something loose for you, I tried that before and it definitely did not work. ANTONY Can we get on with this? 31

50.

BRYAN Yeah, okay. So we’re going to do this kind of in the style of that one car scene from ’Children of Men’ so I’m going to have to get in the middle. MINDY There’s no room! Bryan ignores her and the other actors’ protestations and climbs on top of the laps of Mindy, Claire, and Antony, all in the backseat of the car. After he gets in the car he hits Mindy in the face with the camera and grabs Claire inappropriately as he tries to shift his weight to get his legs in far enough that he can close the door. After much tussle, yelling, and struggling Bryan is finally in. BRYAN All right! Charles, now you get in! The actors protest loudly and start yelling at Bryan. BRYAN Fine! Fine! Charles, hand me the boom. Jeez, I have to do everything around here. Bryan struggles to bring the three foot pole into the car and manages to hit both Harold and Antony in the face. BRYAN Maybe we’ll just use the onboard mic for this one. Bryan hands Charles the boom mic. BRYAN Everybody ready? Let’s start from the beginning. HAROLD Aren’t we driving during this scene? BRYAN Duh. HAROLD But we’re not moving. The audience will be able to tell that nothing is moving through the window.

51.

BRYAN We’ll green screen it. CLARK Don’t we need to put up some green fabric over the window to do that? BRYAN You’re an actor, leave the film making to the pros. When I say go, start the scene. Ready... Action! All the actors look confused. BRYAN I said go! ANTONY Actually you said action. BRYAN You know what I mean! Start! ANTONY You just changed it again. BRYAN Go! MINDY (Acting.) Wow, we’ve been driving for a long time. Pause. Nobody knows the next line. BRYAN Damn it! Cut! What’s the next line? CLARK Does anybody have a script? Nobody has a script. BRYAN Great, nobody brought a script. ANTONY You’re the director, why don’t you have a script?

52. BRYAN I’ve been busy with the camera, Hughes must’ve taken my copy. It doesn’t matter, just improvise the lines you don’t know. Ready... go! MINDY (Acting.) Wow, we’ve been driving for a long time. CLARK (After a long pause as he tries to think of what to say next.) Yes. ANTONY (Mocking the improvisation.) Oh no! I’m being attacked by rabid wolverines! MINDY What? ANTONY Don’t deny. BRYAN Cut! Charles, go get us a script. God, I hate actors. Pause. Bryan realizes that he just insulted his actors to their faces. BRYAN (Forcing a smile.) Break time! EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - AN HOUR LATER 32

All the actors are in the car in the same positions, except for this time Bryan is halfway in the front seat with his legs hanging out of the side window in an incredibly uncomfortable position for all involved. They have just finished up a take. BRYAN (Struggling to get out of the car.) Cut! Great job everybody! We are done with this scene!

53.

ANTONY We’re not done, what about the sex scene? BRYAN (Trying not to betray his nervousness.) We’ll do it later. ANTONY Why? BRYAN Because I want to. ANTONY (Enjoying Bryan’s discomfort.) We’re here, we might as well. BRYAN We’re not doing it now! ANTONY Are you scared? BRYAN Good work guys, get yourselves some dinner! Bryan runs away as fast as he can from Antony into his house. INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - NIGHT 33

Bryan and Charles are both sitting side by side in front of Charles’ computer intensely focused on the script. It is late in the night after the first day of shooting. BRYAN Charles... do you know how they do sex scenes in movies? CHARLES (Stops typing.) What do you mean? BRYAN Do they, you know, really do it? CHARLES In pornography they do.

54.

BRYAN I’m not talking about porn! I mean regular movies, how do they do it? CHARLES Maybe they have, like, clear underwear or something. BRYAN No, that’s weird. Look it up online. CHARLES You want me to search how they do sex scenes in movies? BRYAN Yeah, type it in Google. CHARLES Okay. Charles searches for ’how to do sex scenes in movies.’ BRYAN Click on that one. Both of them stare wide eyed at the pornographic site they just clicked on. CHARLES I’m not sure if this is the type of film that we want to make. BRYAN Now I understand Jerry, now I understand. EXT. FOREST - NIGHT 34

The camera starts at the barn, where several cars are parked. There is an extension chord plugged into one of the outlets and the camera follows it to the woods. It is a series of ten continuous extension chords and is incredibly long and unsafe. However, it does not quite reach the woods. Hughes and Bryan are setting down the lights. HUGHES Told you there weren’t enough extension chords.

55.

BRYAN We have to have the creepy ambient lighting for the woods scene. Do we have any more? HUGHES Nope. BRYAN Well, maybe we can shine this towards the woods and it’ll give us a little light. HUGHES I think it’s going to be way too dark for the camera to pick up anything. BRYAN Leave this to me Hughes. EXT. FOREST - TEN MINUTES LATER This scene is shot in night vision. The actors stand around while Bryan fiddles with the camera. They are all terrified of the woods, with the exception of Antony, who seems to enjoy watching the other’s discomfort. MINDY Can we go in? BRYAN No. MINDY Why not? BRYAN We haven’t shot the scene yet! MINDY It’s scary out here. CLARK I’m getting bit by mosquitoes! ANTONY I forgot my flask in the car. 35

56.

BRYAN We’re here to shoot a movie, remember? HAROLD Then let’s shoot it. BRYAN I’m trying to! HUGHES Where’s Star? MINDY She said something about getting into character. HUGHES (Groans.) Not this again. Hughes walks off into the woods. EXT. DEEP FOREST - NIGHT 36

Five minutes later. Hughes is searching the forest for Star with a flashlight. The camera sees Star’s eyes up behind Hughes in a tree through the night vision camera. Suddenly Star launches out of the tree at Hughes and tackles him. Star squeals with glee as Hughes screams. HUGHES STAR WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? STAR I’M THE BOOR WITCH! EE HEE HEE! EXT. FOREST - TWO MINUTES LATER Hughes and Star stumble back to where Bryan and the actors are. Both are mangled and dirty. The camera remains in night vision. ANTONY Hey, next time why don’t you two get a room? MINDY Did you get attacked by deer? 37

57.

ANTONY I wasn’t aware that deer were ferocious, carnivorous creatures. HUGHES Are you ready to shoot yet Bryan? BRYAN Almost, just need to get the night vision working. HUGHES Bryan, that’s a VHS camera. BRYAN So? HUGHES That doesn’t have night vision. BRYAN ...Are you serious? HUGHES Yeah. BRYAN Why didn’t you tell me this before? HUGHES You said you had it taken care of! BRYAN You... You... Producer! Bryan storms off. Pause. HUGHES (Clapping slowly.) Good night of shooting everybody, go on home. EXT. FOREST - DAY Bryan is in the middle of shooting a scene in the forest. Harold, Claire, and Antony in front of the camera and Charles is on sound with the boom. After a few seconds of filming, the sound of a lawnmower starts up. Charles is the first to notice. 38

58.

CHARLES (Tugging on Bryan’s shirt.) Bryan... Bryan... BRYAN What? CHARLES The audio’s bad. ANTONY Is that a lawnmower? BRYAN How can there be a lawnmower in the middle of a forest? Bryan and Charles walk deeper into the woods and quickly come to the edge of the forest about twenty feet away from where they were filming. At the edge of the forest is a massive subdivision. BRYAN You got to be kidding me. EXT. FOREST - TEN MINUTES LATER 39

Bryan, Charles, Antony, Claire, and Harold are all sitting around, waiting for the lawnmower noise to end. Antony takes a swig from his flask. The lawnmower stops. Everybody scrambles to get back to filming, setting up camera equipment, getting back into place, etc. As soon as everybody is ready, another lawnmower starts. BRYAN Are you freaking serious! A second lawnmower begins on top of the other one. All the actors and Charles groan and sit back down. ANTONY Have we gotten any actual filming done in the past two days? BRYAN We’ve just had a few technical difficulties, we’re doing fine. CHARLES I think I’m getting a sun burn. I haven’t been in the sun for more (MORE)

59.

CHARLES (cont’d) than twenty minutes at a time since I was five. Hughes enters. HUGHES Why aren’t you guys filming? BRYAN We’re waiting for the lawnmower to stop. HUGHES We don’t have time, we’re already two days behind schedule! BRYAN You want me to just film with that noise in the background? HUGHES If you have to, yes! BRYAN Hughes, when the shark broke in Jaws, Spielberg didn’t just go on and do without it, he waited until they fixed it. CHARLES Actually Spielberg said that his movie was more effective because they didn’t use the shark as much. BRYAN Nobody cares about the past Charles! HUGHES We’ll edit out the sound in post, just start filming! BRYAN I am, why don’t you just get off my back? HUGHES If I did nothing would get done!

60.

BRYAN (Mocking.) Look at me, I’m Hughes, I know everything, I’m mister Smarty, mister Smarts-a-lot, Sir Smarty McSmartenstien... HUGHES I’m going to be back in a half an hour, and I better see some work getting done when I get back. Hughes storms off. Bryan watches him leave. BRYAN Everybody, five minute break, I need to pee! Bryan leaves the actors and walks deeper into the woods. EXT. DEEP FOREST - DAY Bryan walks farther into the woods finding a spot to pee, looking over his shoulder to make sure nobody is near. When he thinks he’s alone he gets ready to pee when suddenly Claire emerges out of the bushes, exuding all the sexuality she can muster up. Bryan is given quite a shock and trips over a log trying to close his fly as fast as humanly possible. BRYAN What are you doing?! CLAIRE Don’t pay attention to Hughes. BRYAN What? CLAIRE Don’t let him tell you what to do, he’s not a real artist like you. BRYAN Really? CLAIRE He doesn’t understand what your vision for this film is. 40

61.

BRYAN Yeah. That’s what I said... CLAIRE (Starting to get close to Bryan.) So don’t let him push you around. We all got your back. Especially me. BRYAN (Not sure what Claire is going with this.) Which is good. CLAIRE You know... it’s awfully hot out here... BRYAN It’s summer. CLAIRE (Thrown off.) ...Yes it is. Pause. CLAIRE So I hear you’re planning on filming the sex scene tomorrow. BRYAN With Mindy and Clark, yeah. CLAIRE You seem a bit nervous. BRYAN It’s just... that... as an artist... it’s... a big leap... into... art. CLAIRE (Pretending to understand.) Yeah. BRYAN Do you... know how they film those scenes in Hollywood? By now Claire is as close to Bryan as she can get.

62.

CLAIRE No, but I know how they film those scenes in Cincinnati... BRYAN (Genuinely thinks she is talking about a film technique.) How’s that? Claire kisses Bryan. Bryan breaks away from her. BRYAN So where would the camera go? CLAIRE (This trips even a pro like her up.) Uh... over there? BRYAN Interesting. Would that be the master shot? CLAIRE Yeah, sure. Claire kisses Bryan again. Bryan breaks away. BRYAN I have a girlfriend! CLAIRE Really now, who is it? BRYAN Mindy! CLAIRE (Pretending to be surprised.) Mindy... you mean the shy one? Seriously? BRYAN ...Yes. CLAIRE Dump her for me Bryan. BRYAN What about the movie?

63.

CLAIRE Give her role to me, I’ll be a hundred times better than her. BRYAN You are a really good kisser... CLAIRE Yes... BRYAN (Breaking away from Claire.) I can’t! This is wrong! CLAIRE Bryan... BRYAN (Hysterical, running away from Claire.) Get away from me! Claire watches Bryan run away then smiles to herself. EXT. FOREST - FIVE MINUTES LATER 41

Bryan is curled up in the fetal position in the crotch of a tree. The rest of the film crew and actors stand around the tree and stare at him. CHARLES Is break over yet? Bryan looks at Charles. CHARLES Hughes is going to be here soon, you better get down and film something. Bryan nods his head and climbs down from the tree. INT. BRYAN’S CAR - DAY 42

Hughes is driving with Bryan in the passengers seat fiddling with the camera. Charles is sitting in the backseat staring out the side window. HUGHES Where do you want me to go?

64.

BRYAN Drive around the mall, I’m sure there will be VW vans there. HUGHES I’ve never seen one of those at the mall. BRYAN Just go, we’ll find something. HUGHES Fine. Pause. HUGHES So, uh... BRYAN What? HUGHES Claire’s looking pretty good... Bryan is silent. HUGHES I think I might have a crush on her. Bryan is still silent. HUGHES Bryan? BRYAN You thinking about asking her out? HUGHES Yeah, maybe. BRYAN Well you can’t. HUGHES Why not? BRYAN You can’t date cast members.

65.

HUGHES You’re dating Mindy! BRYAN (Bryan forgot about this.) ...That’s because we were dating before the shoot started. HUGHES What difference does that make? BRYAN All the difference, that’s what. HUGHES I’m still going to ask her. BRYAN Fine. She’ll say no. HUGHES You don’t know that. CHARLES Hey guys, I kind of like Star. BRYAN Nobody cares who you like Charles. HUGHES I’m not seeing any vans out here. BRYAN Oo! Oo! There’s one! HUGHES That’s a heating and cooling repair service van. BRYAN Good enough, I’m going to get some footage. Bryan tapes the repair van through the window. HUGHES Do you want me to roll down the window so you can get a clear shot? BRYAN No it’s fine.

66.

EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - DAY Bryan is pacing nervously, sighing repeatedly and wiping sweat off his brow.

43

Off to the side, watching him are Mindy, Clark, Charles, and Hughes. Bryan’s compact car sits behind them. HUGHES You want a glass of water or something? BRYAN I’m fine. This is just part of the artistic process. Do you have your lines memorized? MINDY You’ve asked me that five times, yes I do. BRYAN Just checking. That’s all. CLARK So... are we doing the scene? BRYAN Yeah, let’s start. First... let’s start with getting in the car. MINDY Okay... Mindy and Clark cram themselves in the backseat of Bryan’s car. BRYAN Let me get set up... Bryan gets the camera and positions himself to shoot. BRYAN We’re going to start with the others exiting into the woods. CLARK So what exactly are we supposed to do?

67.

BRYAN We’re just going to... go with it. Whatever happens happens. CLARK Improvise what we do? BRYAN Exactly. CLARK Okay. I guess. BRYAN Ready... go. MINDY (Deadpan acting.) I want to have sex... with you. CLARK (Channeling his inner Keanu Reeves when acting.) Yes we are. MINDY (Saying the lines but doing nothing.) I am stripping. Pause. Mindy and Clark stare at each other. BRYAN Cut! What are you doing Mindy? Strip! MINDY You want me to take my clothes off? BRYAN What else does strip mean? We’re not talking about strips of bacon here! MINDY Okay, I’ll try. BRYAN Don’t try, do! Let’s take this again, from the I am stripping line. Ready... go!

68.

MINDY (Saying the lines and still doing nothing.) I am stripping. After an awkward pause, Mindy begins to try to take her shirt off, but the backseat of Bryan’s car is so small that she can’t get it off and ends up with her shirt stuck over her head. She struggles for a moment and Clark tries to help her. BRYAN Cut! Cut! This is not working! This is supposed to be sexy! MINDY (With shirt still over her head.) What am I doing wrong? BRYAN It’s not you, it’s, it’s the car. We can’t do it here. HUGHES Where else do you think we can do a car scene? BRYAN We’re going to do it in a bed. HUGHES ...But the scene takes place in a car, how are they going to randomly be in a house? BRYAN Green screen. HUGHES What? BRYAN You put actors in front of a green background... HUGHES I know what a green screen is Bryan. We don’t have one. BRYAN Yet.

69. INT. BRYAN’S PARENTS’ BEDROOM 44

Bryan is covering his parent’s queen size bed with a huge roll of green tissue paper. Hughes, Charles, Clark and Mindy watch. MINDY This is so weird doing this in your parent’s bedroom Bryan. BRYAN They’re not going to get back from work until six, we’re fine. HUGHES I don’t think this tissue paper is the right color of green. BRYAN It’s green enough. Bryan finishes covering the bed. BRYAN All right, let’s do this. Clark, Mindy, get on the bed. Clark and Mindy get on the bed, awkwardly crawling over the tissue paper. BRYAN Don’t crinkle the green screen! MINDY I can’t help it! BRYAN I want you two to pretend that you’re in the back seat of the car. Clark and Mindy exchange confused glances, then adjust themselves slightly on the bed. Bryan picks up the camera and gets set. BRYAN Good, good. We’re going to start from the beginning again. Ready... go! MINDY (Acting. Still awfully deadpan.) I want to have... sex... with you.

70. CLARK (Acting.) Yes we are. MINDY (Acting.) I am stripping. Mindy quickly takes off her shirt and throws it off the bed. Clark and Mindy awkwardly stare at each other. BRYAN Cut. ...Oh my god. HUGHES What are you getting excited for, you’ve seen her naked plenty of times. Haven’t you? BRYAN (Lying.) ...Yeah. Of course. MINDY He’s lying. This is the first time he’s ever seen me with my shirt off. Can I put my shirt back on now? BRYAN (Pretending he didn’t hear her.) Let’s start this scene again. Clark, you have to say your next line. Mindy, you need to take all of your clothes off. MINDY What? BRYAN Bra. Everything. Gone. MINDY I’m not taking my bra off in front of you all. BRYAN Panties? CHARLES (To Bryan.) That’s a funny word.

71.

MINDY No! BRYAN Well, you at least have to take your pants off too. MINDY I’m keeping my gym shorts on. BRYAN C’mon, that’s no worse than a bikini! MINDY I don’t wear bikinis! When have you ever seen me in a bikini? BRYAN Fine! Keep the shorts if it means that much to you! CLARK Do I need to take my clothes off? BRYAN No, why would anybody want to see you naked? CLARK I have really good muscle tone. BRYAN That’s nice, but no thanks. MINDY I think he should take his shirt off. BRYAN What is it with you people? We’re starting from the I am stripping line, camera rolling.... ready... go! MINDY (Acting.) I am stripping. Mindy takes her shirt off, then stands up on the bed to take her pants off.

72.

BRYAN What are you doing? You can’t stand up in a car! MINDY I didn’t want to tear the green screen! BRYAN Whatever, keep going! CLARK (Acting.) You make me horny. Clark and Mindy awkwardly stare at each other. BRYAN (Yelling.) Have sex! Do it! MINDY (Getting up to leave.) This is disgusting, I’m out of here! BRYAN No! Mindy! Mindy, I didn’t mean actually do it, do it. Uh, here, I should have explained this more before. My fault, right? Silly me. This is what we’re going to do. You and Clark are going to get under the green screen, here, like a blanket. Clark and Mindy lay down while Bryan puts the tissue paper on top of them. BRYAN Now, you aren’t actually doing anything, but since the audience is only going to see your face, they’ll think you are! Just pretend that you’re having sex and make the noises, that’s all! Can you do that? MINDY Sure...

73.

BRYAN From where we left off... ready... go! Mindy and Clark both stare straight up at the ceiling with a foot of space in between them. CLARK AND MINDY (Awkward monotone.) Yes, yes, oh god, yes, yes, yes, oh god. Yes. ...Yes. Pause. CLARK (Acting.) That was hot. Why don’t you check on the tires? MINDY (Acting.) Okay. BRYAN (Tosses Mindy a towel. Whispering.) Put this on and slowly leave the bed. With quite a bit of crinkling from the tissue paper, Mindy puts the towel around her and gets out of the bed. BRYAN Cut. Great job guys! Mindy, can we do the exit from the car one more time, but without the bra straps showing? MINDY No. BRYAN Fair enough. Bryan lets out a self satisfied sigh. BRYAN That... that was really good. Excellent work everybody. I don’t want to sound conceited or anything, but not just any director can pull something like that off, whew! Heh!

74.

Pause. BRYAN (Quickly.) I need to go to the bathroom. Bryan rushes out the door just as Antony enters eating a bag of chips. ANTONY Did I miss the show? EXT. FOREST - DAY 45

Bryan and Hughes struggle with the camera while Charles is picking grass out of the ground. Harold, Claire, Antony, and Star wander around bored. HUGHES (Looking up from camera.) Charles, did you give them the script you wrote for today’s shoot? CHARLES No. Hughes stares down Charles. CHARLES Yes. Charles unfolds a piece of mangled paper from his picket and hands it to Harold. CHARLES I still need to find the second page. Sorry, there’s only one copy. Bryan and Hughes finish setting up the camera. Hughes exits. BRYAN All right, let’s do this. Harold, Antony, Claire, get in the tent! The tent is revealed. It is a tiny, one person tent that is obviously from Bryan’s childhood. HAROLD Are you serious?

75.

BRYAN (Exploding.) Do you know how much we have to shoot today? Do you know how behind schedule we are? GET IN THE TENT! Antony, Claire and Harold all barely cram themselves into the tent. After a moment of them all awkwardly and uncomfortably trying to adjust to the close quarters, Bryan tries to squeeze himself in as well with the camera. The tent can’t handle the volume and tears to shreds and everybody ends up in a heap on the ground. EXT. BARN - DAY 46

Bryan, Antony, Claire and Harold all stand in a close clump. Hughes flaps a large piece of tarp and then drapes it over them. From under the tarp we hear: BRYAN Ready... go! EXT. FOREST - HALF HOUR LATER THAT DAY 47

Bryan and Hughes are setting up the camera and props while Charles hands Claire, Antony, Harold, and Star the next page of the script. CHARLES (Handing the wad of a page to Star.) Here. I found the rest of the script. HAROLD (Grabbing the script out of Star’s hand.) Wait a second... what’s this? I get killed in this scene? BRYAN What? You didn’t know that? HAROLD This is less than halfway through the movie! I can’t believe it! BRYAN What’s wrong...

76.

HAROLD You told me that I was a lead role! BRYAN You are a lead role. That gets killed early in the movie. HAROLD I can’t believe this... I’m leaving. BRYAN Are you mad that you don’t get a sex scene? HAROLD What? HUGHES (Trying to calm everybody down.) Harold, you see, you die in this part, but that doesn’t mean you’re no longer in the film. Charles is still working on the scene, where, uh, you become a zombie. You come back to life. As the undead. After you die. In this scene. HAROLD Oh... okay... STAR (Holding a small note that fell out of the ’script.’) ’Star your hair is blacker than the empty void of my soul, your eyes are like laser beams of light in my hopeless world, your breasts are like the rolling hills of the English countryside. Love, Charles.’ A pause. Everybody stares at Charles, who stares at Star while still sitting on the ground holding a handful of grass he just pulled out of the ground.

77.

EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER

48

Charles is curled up in the fetal position in the crotch of a tree. Bryan, Antony, Star, Claire, and Harold all look at up Charles. ANTONY (Throwing his arms in the air and turning to leave.) Not this again! EXT. FOREST - AN HOUR LATER 49

Hughes and Bryan are getting ready to attach a squib to Harold who is standing between them with a white t shirt on. After a moment Clark walks up to Bryan wearing a torn up t shirt with mud on it and with his face painted bright green. CLARK How’s my zombie makeup look? BRYAN (Horrified.) ...Green. Did you do that yourself? CLARK Yup! You like it? BRYAN (Lying.) It’s great. HUGHES (To Bryan.) Here. Hughes hands Bryan a box of condoms. Bryan is immediately flustered and completely distracted. BRYAN What’s... what’s this? HUGHES It’s what we’re using for the squibs. We’re filling the condoms with cranberry juice so when Harold gets shot he can slap them and they pop.

78.

BRYAN Yeah, but, condoms? Seriously? HUGHES (Not understanding why Bryan is flustered at the sight of condoms.) ...Yeah. What’s the difference? BRYAN They’re... they’re condoms man! HUGHES (Snatching a condom from Bryan.) Give me that. Hughes fills up a condom with cranberry juice and attaches it to Harold using duct tape. Bryan is preoccupied with the condoms, opening packages and playing with them. HUGHES Bryan do you have the gun? BRYAN Oh, yeah, here. Bryan gets a super soaker that is spray painted black out of his bag. HUGHES That’s a squirt gun. BRYAN Painted black. HUGHES (Sighs.) Whatever. Ready for take one? BRYAN (Picking up the camera and getting ready.) Sure, let’s do this! Clark when I say go I want you to shoot Harold with your gun and Harold I want you to hit the squib thing. Got it? CLARK AND HAROLD Yeah.

79.

BRYAN Alright... ready... go! Clark ’shoots’ Harold by pumping up the squirt gun then pressing the trigger to make a small hiss. Harold slaps the squib, but it doesn’t explode. Harold slaps it two more times to no avail. HUGHES (Looking at the condom box.) Now they decide to work! BRYAN Screw the squibs. That’s not a pun. Hughes I got an idea. Bryan whispers in Hughes’ ear. HUGHES That is a terrible idea. BRYAN Do it anyway. HUGHES (Sighs.) Fine. BRYAN Guys, do exactly the same thing, except this time don’t worry about the squib Harold. HAROLD Okay. BRYAN (Getting back into position with the camera.) Ready... go! Clark pumps the squirt gun again and triggers the hissing noise again. Harold is just about to act like he got shot when Hughes dumps the entire bucket of cranberry juice on him. Harold screams. HAROLD WHAT THE HELL!? BRYAN Cut! That was great!

80.

HAROLD I have cranberry juice all over me! BRYAN Yeah? So? HAROLD You didn’t freaking tell me you were going to pour that on me! BRYAN It got the reaction I needed. You should’ve seen the look on your face! HAROLD That’s it, I can’t take this anymore, I’m out of here. BRYAN What? HAROLD You are immature, unprofessional, and I don’t like you. I’m not getting paid enough for this shit. HUGHES You’re not getting paid at all. BRYAN You don’t like me? HAROLD With all your awful gay jokes? You really think I appreciate that? BRYAN They’re funny! HAROLD (Leaving.) No. I’m out of here. Screw you. BRYAN You wish! Pause. Bryan realizes he shouldn’t have said that. Harold stops. HAROLD What’d you say?

81. BRYAN Nothing. Harold charges Bryan and tackles him. HUGHES THE CAMERA! WATCH OUT FOR THE CAMERA! Hughes tries to get the camera while Bryan and Harold awkwardly wrestle on the ground yelling at each other. Harold tries to get as much cranberry juice as he can on Bryan’s nice clothes. EXT. FOREST - EVENING THAT DAY 50

Bryan stands holding the camera, splattered and stained with fake blood. Hughes stands next to him, with a bloody hand print on his face, and Charles sits on the ground picking grass. Mindy stands with a towel wrapped around her with her clothes that she is wearing underneath clearly visible. Star stands next to her in her boor witch costume. It is getting towards evening and everybody is exhausted and at the end of their rope. BRYAN Are you even trying to look like you’re naked? MINDY Nope. Bryan sighs. HUGHES (Trying to sound enthusiastic. Failing.) C’mon guys, last shoot of the day. BRYAN Mindy, just run through the woods screaming and Star will follow you. Star and Mindy get in position. BRYAN Ready... go! Mindy runs through the woods and lamely yells half heartedly. Star chases after her but trips over a tree root.

82.

BRYAN Cut! All right, I think that’ll work. HUGHES We’re done, let’s get dinner. Everybody starts to gather their belongings and leave when: BRYAN Wait. HUGHES What? BRYAN Let’s do one more take. HUGHES (Moaning.) Why? BRYAN I want to do another angle. Everybody get back into positions! Mindy and Star get back into position while Bryan climbs a tree holding the camera. HUGHES What are you doing? You can’t, give me that! BRYAN (Still climbing.) I got this! HUGHES (Panicking.) You’re going to drop the camera! Get down! BRYAN Everybody in position? HUGHES Bryan! BRYAN I’m not going to drop it.

83.

HUGHES Bryan... Bryan situates himself in the tree and gets ready to shoot. BRYAN Ready... go! Bryan promptly drops the camera from the top of the tree. It hits the ground with a gut wrenching crunch. Pause. Everybody stares at the ground in shock. After a moment: HUGHES YOU ARE A DEAD MAN BRYAN BERKS! EXT. BRYAN’S DRIVEWAY - LATE EVENING 51

Hughes, Bryan, Charles, Antony, Clark, Star, Mindy, and Claire all sit on Bryan’s car and on the concrete around the shattered camera. They stare in dejected silence. After a moment Bryan speaks. BRYAN I’m not going to sugarcoat this. This sucks. We just had a brutal day of filming. We’re hopelessly behind schedule. Our several thousand dollar camera that we’re borrowing is destroyed. But fear not my stalwart warriors, I have just the thing for a situation like this! Hughes gets up and goes into the garage. He comes out with a large cooler and sets it down. BRYAN (Opening the cooler. It’s full of alcoholic beverages.) Alcohol! EVERYBODY ELSE YES! They all run to the cooler.

84.

EXT. BRYAN’S BACK DECK - FIVE MINUTES LATER

52

Optional: Text that says ’Five Minutes Later’ appears on the screen. Everybody is already roaring drunk and partying it up on the back porch of Bryan’s house that connects to a pool. Discarded beer cans are everywhere. A depressed Hughes is sitting next to the pool, the only one not having a good time. He holds a beach ball. Bryan comes up to him. BRYAN Not having a good time? HUGHES Our camera just got destroyed. Not only do we have to find a new one to complete our movie, now I have to come up with a few thousand dollars to pay for the damaged equipment. BRYAN (Mocking baby voice.) Aw somebody sounds like he’s not having a good time! Bryan hits the beach ball out of Hughes’ hand and attempts to push Hughes into the pool, but only manages to push him off the chair onto the deck. Hughes looks at Bryan and then tries to push him into the pool. They both wrestle with each other until both of them fall into the pool. The scene cuts to Mindy who is the complete opposite of her usual self, gleefully running around uninhibited. She runs up to Star who is gurgling pop and sill in her Boor Witch costume. MINDY I don’t think I’ve ever talked to you before, but don’t take it personally, I’m just really afraid of you because you’re creepy! Let’s be friends! Mindy gives Star a big kiss on the cheek and bounds off. The camera notices Charles staring at Star from a bush he’s hiding behind.

85.

INT. BRYAN’S KITCHEN - NIGHT The camera walks through the door into Bryan’s kitchen, where Antony is passed out on the floor with Bryan’s dog licking his face. Clark is re-enacting his favorite fight scenes in the kitchen, as he kicks and punches his way through the room. Not paying a whole lot of attention to where he’s going he punches a mess of food off the kitchen table and kicks a chair across the room. Bryan enters soaking wet and drying off with a towel. He watches Clark kick a picture off the wall. BRYAN Clark! What are you doing? CLARK I’m fighting off the ninjas! They’re everywhere man! Mindy enters the kitchen through the same door Bryan just came through. BRYAN Mindy! I want to talk to you. MINDY What’s up! BRYAN Mindy, Ive done a lot of thinking, and I’m thinking that maybe, maybe we should be together. Not. I mean not be together. Anymore. What I’m trying to say is that I want to break. Up with you. Yes. We should do that. See other people. Like that. MINDY (Cheerfully.) Okay! BRYAN (In disbelief.) ...Really? That’s it? MINDY Yeah.

53

86.

BRYAN (Suddenly angry.) That’s it! If that’s how much I matter to you WE’RE FINISHED! Bryan storms upstairs to his room and slams his door. Mindy looks over to see Clark kick a glass bottle off the living room coffee table. He sees her and she smiles at him. MINDY Hey handsome, I need a big, strong, brave warrior to save me from the ninjas. EXT. BRYAN’S BACK DECK - NIGHT Hughes is floating in the pool by himself, dejectedly playing with a noodle. Claire enters and walks up to the side of the pool. Her physicality is clearly seductive. CLAIRE Taking a swim? HUGHES I guess. CLAIRE Want some company? HUGHES I want a few thousand dollars to replace all the equipment Bryan destroyed. CLAIRE Relax Hughes, enjoy yourself for a bit. HUGHES I can’t. Bryan has destroyed my happiness. CLAIRE What if I come in and help you? HUGHES You’ll get wet. 54

87.

CLAIRE Oh, I know. Claire tries to seductively take off her jeans, but the zipper gets caught and she trips and falls into the pool. She surfaces and makes a graceful recovery. She swims over to the Hughes and when she gets right in from of him she feels something in the water. CLAIRE Whoa now... The noodle Hughes was playing with floats to the surface. HUGHES Sorry. CLAIRE Shh... Claire swims behind Hughes and begins to give him a massage. HUGHES That feels good. CLAIRE Doesn’t it? Pause. CLAIRE So you don’t have any equipment to shoot the last half of the movie. HUGHES Don’t remind me. CLAIRE And you have to come up with the money to replaced the damaged equipment? HUGHES That Bryan destroyed. CLAIRE I have a deal for you that’ll solve both problems. HUGHES What’s that?

88.

CLAIRE My dad just got a camera they used to use at his work whey got rid of all the old equipment. You can use it to shoot the rest of the movie then give it back to whoever you borrowed the damaged camera from as a replacement. HUGHES Really? You’d do that? CLAIRE Under one condition. HUGHES What? CLAIRE I want my role to double in size and the be lead part for the remainder of the movie. HUGHES So, basically, you’re bribing the producer to get a bigger part. CLAIRE ...Yes. HUGHES That is immoral, wrong... and so hot. Get your ass over here. Hughes grabs Claire’s face and they make out in a frenzy. INT. BRYAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT 55

Bryan has put on nice clothes and is walking at a rapid pace towards the back door, all the while pumping himself up. BRYAN I must do it, I must do it... Bryan reaches the back door and opens it.

89. EXT. BRYAN’S BACK DECK - NIGHT 56

Bryan walks out of the door and onto the deck. The camera is situated behind Bryan so we can see the pool. Nobody is visible. BRYAN (Yelling out into the night.) Claire! I’ve been thinking, I was wrong! I broke up with Mindy so we could be together! I love you Claire! A raft floating in the pool moves and reveals Claire and Hughes passionately making out, unaware of Bryan’s outburst. BRYAN (Turning towards the door and walking back into the house, muttering.) You’ve got to be serious. INT. BRYAN’S KITCHEN - NIGHT 57

Bryan walks into the kitchen and yells into the living room. BRYAN Mindy! I’ve been thinking, I was wrong! I broke up with Claire so we could be together! I love you Mindy! Bryan walks into the living room and finds Mindy and Clark making out in the easy chair. BRYAN You’ve got to be fricking kidding me! Bryan turns away from them and heads back towards the door. EXT. BRYAN’S BACK DECK - NIGHT 58

Bryan walks down the steps of the deck onto the lower patio below. BRYAN One last option... Bryan stops on the lower patio and looks down. Star and Charles are licking each other’s faces while rolling around on the ground making animal noises.

90.

BRYAN (To himself.) Seriously. I feel like I’ve just lost in musical chairs. Bryan storms back up onto the deck and throws a beach ball at Hughes and Claire. BRYAN Hughes you’re fired! HUGHES What? BRYAN You’re having improper relations with an actor! HUGHES What are you talking about, you’re dating Mindy. BRYAN No I’m not! We broke up! HUGHES You broke up? BRYAN Yes! HUGHES ...Why? BRYAN I... I wanted to. I did it for you Claire! CLAIRE I thought you liked Mindy? BRYAN You’re fired too! HUGHES Bryan, you can’t fire people. Only I can, I’m the producer. BRYAN Shut your mouth or I’ll fire you!

91. HUGHES You already tried to fire me. And you can’t. BRYAN I’m leaving! This movie is over! HUGHES Wait! Bryan! I solved our camera problem! Claire is going to get us a replacement! BRYAN (Suddenly not angry.) Really? HUGHES Yeah! BRYAN So we can finish our movie? And we don’t owe all that money? HUGHES Yup! BRYAN (Joyful.) We’re saved! We can finish our film! Woo hoo! Bryan jumps into the pool. When he surfaces there is an awkward moment as he looks at them exhilarated. Claire and Hughes consider how to tactfully tell him to leave them alone so they can continue carrying on. They clear their throats and look at Bryan. Bryan doesn’t take the hint. EXT. BARN - DAY Several days later. Bryan is filming the last scene with a new camera. The gruesome, blood splattered bodies of Clark, Star, Mindy and Antony are littered about the front of the barn. Claire is wounded, but still alive, and screaming bloody murder as she drops to the ground holding the spray painted super soaker. Once Claire has ’died’ and lies on the ground Bryan clicks the camera off. 59

92.

BRYAN Cut! It’s a wrap! We’re done with principle shooting! Bryan triumphantly pumps his hands into the air Rocky style, then promptly passes out on the ground from exhaustion. INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - DAY 60

Hughes sits in front of the computer with Bryan and Charles behind him looking at the screen. HUGHES So here’s the plan: we each switch off every six hours and split this movie between the three of us. This way we can work nonstop for about seventy hours and we can get this done in time to send it off to the Cincinnati Flying Mammal Film Festival. Shouldn’t be too bad if we all work together. Hughes looks behind him. Charles and Bryan are gone. HUGHES Figures. INT. CHARLES’ HOUSE - SEVENTY-TWO HOURS LATER Hughes is passed out over the chair in front of the computer. Food and trash is scattered around him and he is wearing the same clothes he was in the previous scene, except much dirtier. On the computer screen, a loading bar is nearing completion. A ding is heard and a DVD pops out of the computer. Hughes remains fast asleep. Bryan and Charles enter. BRYAN Hughes, is there anything we can help you with? Bryan sees the DVD and picks it up. BRYAN Hey the DVD’s done! Great job Hughes! I’ll get this sent off immediately! 61

93.

Bryan pats Hughes’ back, and Hughes slides out of the chair onto the floor, still unconscious. Bryan and Charles exit with the DVD. INT. FILM FESTIVAL THEATER - NIGHT 62

Bryan and Hughes, both in their nicest attire, sit nervously in the front row of the theater watching people file in and take their seats. BRYAN Do you think I look good? HUGHES You look fine. BRYAN I don’t trust you. I wish Harold was here. Chip struts in wearing an attractive dress. She stops when she sees Bryan and Hughes and walks up to them. CHIP I didn’t know you two were ushering. BRYAN Very funny, we’re premiering our movie. Or did you not know that and just stumble into theaters randomly? CHIP I came for a good laugh. Oh, did I mention that my film premiered last night? The word on the street is that it’ll easily take home the best of the festival award. BRYAN Why don’t you just make like Betamax and leave us alone? CHIP I’d be insulted, but I’m sure your film will make Howard the Duck look like the Godfather. Chip turns and briskly struts to a seat. A FESTIVAL ORGANIZER walks up to Bryan and taps him on the shoulder.

94.

FESTIVAL ORGANIZER We’re ready for you to introduce the film. Bryan walks up to the front of the theater in front of the screen and faces to address the audience. He is profusely sweating from nerves. BRYAN This summer we have created a film that will revolutionize movies forever. Smart. Scary. Sensual. Sexy. Scary. I present The Terror Within, the scariest movie ever made. That will revolutionize movies. I am going to sit down now. Bryan makes his way back to his seat and the lights dim. The movie begins. We see various clips from the movie and the audience’s reaction, which is increasing levels of laughter. Montage: The opening scene where everybody is in the ’van.’ The ’sex scene’ that takes place in the ’van’ and the subsequent blowing up of the van by the Boor Witch. During the sex scene we briefly cut to Chip’s shocked face. Mindy running through the woods in a towel. Harold being shot by Zombie Clark. Mindy finding Zombie Clark eating Harold’s leg (which is actually a chicken leg) and then being eaten by Clark. Antony and Claire’s last stand against Zombie Clark and the Boor Witch. The credits roll as the audience is laughing hysterically. One starts clapping, then the entire audience joins in and gives the film a standing ovation. Bryan and Hughes are bewildered by the audience’s reaction, but enjoy it nonetheless. A slow fade to black as the cheering continues.

95.

INT. ENTERTAINMENT NEWS SHOW SET A year later. The ENTERTAINMENT NEWS SHOW HOST and Bryan sit in chairs across from each other. Bryan is being interviewed. HOST (To the camera.) It’s been a year since The Terror Within made its wildly successful debut in the Cincinnati Flying Mammal Film Festival and the nationwide mania continues. Here today we have the director and visionary behind the movie, Bryan Berks. Thanks for joining us Bryan. BRYAN My pleasure. HOST Critics have labeled The Terror Within as one of the greatest comedies to appear in recent years. What made you decide to make a spoof on horror films? BRYAN That’s a funny story. You see, my friend Hughes kept telling me that we should make a horror film and I told him no, that was crazy, we need to do a spoof of a horror film. I wanted to change how we view comedy. At the risk of sounding conceited, I made comedy funnier. HOST Truly extraordinary. The rabid following behind your film has often been compared to that of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Troll 2, what’s it like to be put on par with those cult legends? BRYAN My film’s better. So, yeah. It’s more like a big organized religion than a cult.

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HOST What are your plans now that your film has been picked up by a major Hollywood studio? BRYAN I’m working on a script right now for a new semi-autobiographical film that’s slated to begin shooting this summer. HOST Semi-autobiographical? BRYAN It’s going to be about my life and how I became a filmmaker, the semi means I’m just going to embellish parts. You know, to make it more interesting. HOST Fascinating. The Host turns back towards the camera. HOST That’s all the time we have, thanks for coming on Bryan. The comedy the Terror Within, in theaters now. BRYAN I always meant for it be to a comedy. Really. HOST (Still facing the camera.) I’m Chip Saturday. Thanks for joining us. Goodnight. The scene fades to black. CREDITS. Throughout the credits, in a small box on the right of the credit roll, additional clips from The Terror Within are shown. 64

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FADE OUT.

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