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Mastering the 7 Areas of Life


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Melanie Gabriel & Beryl Thomas

[Episode 43] Love? Getting to the Heart of it with Tom Stone

Love? Getting to the Heart of it with Tom Stone [Episode 43] Wired For Success TV [0:00:12] Melanie: Hello and welcome to another episode of http://www.wiredforsuccess.tv. I’m Mel Gabriel and with me is my co-host, Beryl Thomas. Say hello, Beryl. Beryl: Hello, everyone. Melanie: And we have the pleasure of welcoming back, Tom Stone. Say hi, Tom. Tom: Hi, everyone. Melanie: Now folks, if you have no idea who Tom is, then stop this recording right now and head back to episode 38 and have a good listen. Even if you only listen for the 15 or 20 minutes, you’ve got to do this now. You will gain a fascinating peek into the amazing technology that he’s pioneered that will completely eradicate anxiety, depression, seemingly incurable illnesses and life-crippling issues that stop us creating success in every area of our life. I know this sounds like a huge claim to make but I can tell you, I’ve used Tom’s technology for some ten or more years with unbelievable success. For example, I worked with people who have been set aside by the system as being beyond help and even using really advanced hypnotic techniques, it used to take me up to a year to help these people get back to some sort of normality. Now, after discovering Tom’s techniques, the time I spend with these people is reduced to just a quarter, weeks sometimes of working with these people to get the same results. There is such a wealth of information that Tom could share with us that we could easily run interviews with him for a year. But for now, we’re going to focus on how we can bring our relationships back into balance and especially how we can see off crippling emotions like hearth break or resentments that eat away at us like a cancer.
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And I could go on. Melanie: We’re delighted. Melanie: … please define for us exactly what a healthy relationship is because I suspect that very few of us have even considered that we’re living in dysfunctional relationships because large we’ve known nothing else or worse. it’s really great to have you back. it was right about the time I met you. his sister and her husband were unhappy. But let’s get Tom to enlighten us on how we can become more emotionally mature in our relationships and release fear and anxiety that clouds our thinking if when nothing else’s work. an extraordinary relationship look like? Tom: Well. a healthy relationship. we’re surrounded by other dysfunctional relationships and we assume that this is the norm. from your relationship with money to your relationship with authority. you’re certainly right that the vast majority of people are living inside a whole batch of patterns of conditioning that caused them to live a 3 http://www. What was my problem? So what should a mature relationship. Now Tom. So Tom. I started to change. from your relationship with your body and your health and lifestyle to your understanding of who you are and the contribution you make in the world. So. the dog was unhappy. I remember having the experience of – in fact. But cutting to the chase … Tom: Thanks for having me back. his mother and father were unhappy.One thing I’d like to make clear is that although we were probably focused on intimate relationships. please … Tom: Squeeze away. And he thought I was unreasonable because his mother was unhappy.tv . what we will describe is a template for every other type of relationship you have in your life from your business relationships to the relationship with yourself. the budget was unhappy.wiredforsuccess. there’s a lot of juice we want to squeeze out of you for our audience today. I was with a boyfriend and we admitted to each other that we weren’t happy with the relationship and when I wanted to change it and especially when I started working with you.

The first one is a deep sense of ease and appreciation. Has all the qualities you really want that means that you’re not settling for being someone that you don’t really want to be with. There are more but I would say those are some of the highlight points of a really extraordinary relationship.wiredforsuccess.tv . And as long as you’re not saying. So it’s a great way to start actually. you get opportunities to have your remaining stuff that you need to deal with get pushed to the surface by virtue of the relationship so that you get to deal with them. Resentment-free. that’s your problem. It includes both intimacy and independence. No need – no feeling of a need to change the other person in any way. Most people don’t even – have the possibility of thinking that those two characteristics could be simultaneously present in a relationship but they certainly can.” as long as you can learn how to see it as a mirror and take that as an opportunity that you’re getting access to something in you that needs to grow then the relationship can serve as this powerful phenomenon for your evolution and your growth. I do have a little list in – I’ve written a book actually called Extraordinary Relationships and in it I have a list of characteristics that I feel are some of the primary characteristics of extraordinary relationship. Also. it’s got to have a great lovemaking. It’s an essential part of a really good relationship. And the last but certainly not the least. So having the optimal environment for mutual growth is really good and having each person understand that that’s an intrinsic part of the relationship. having it be fun and fulfilling. 4 http://www. having a deep appreciation of differences also kind of goes along with the one of not wanting to change a person. When you’re in a relationship with someone that really knows you deeply. “Oh.life that they think is normal but is absolutely subnormal and they are unconscious of that fact. One of the powerful things about a good relationship is it tends to be almost like an advanced spiritual practice. Has an optimal environment for mutual growth.

it’s the same. It’s absolutely subnormal. There are all kinds of manipulation and control and all kinds of different dysfunctional things. And of course. there is a tendency to have a kind of identification with things staying the same. “Well.tv . But it’s so common place and people because you grew up in a – you get this feeling of. that’s shooting them in the forehead. There are all kinds of attempting for everybody to change everybody else. what are the – OK. We could call it a kind of resistance to change because at least it’s familiar. But people get – people seem to – in spite of sort of knowing this. And I would say. How do we go about drawing their attention to this? Tom: That’s a great question. it’s common place but it’s certainly not normal. And the familiarity provides a kind of sense of stability and comfort in a strange sort of way even though it’s a miserable comfort. OK? I suppose what I’m saying is. you’ve just described the things that need to be present. At least.Melanie: So essentially. Tom: Unfortunately. this is quite common. we’re saying that when people forget that. They think that’s normal. the most powerful conditioning we get is our family of origin. We grew up in a household where the parents are fighting or there are all kinds of resentments. 5 http://www. they’re really on a slippery slope to I suppose it doesn’t become a relationship. They don’t really know that they’re being dysfunctional. Melanie: So the programs that you do around helping people out of this. So we know that that’s behind it. It becomes more of a warzone really.wiredforsuccess. And they will end up putting up with the very thing that is clear to them that it is making the thing worse.” And so. It’s certainly true that the vast majority of people are living their lives as the product of their conditioning. And most people grew up in an environment like that and they think that like we’re saying really. people can become so involved in their dysfunctional relationships that they don’t really know. people seem to get really bent out of shape when they come into relationship with each other. that’s just how life is and you just have to live with that.

So. making conscious how incredibly limiting and even damaging that is to your life and how it’s really preventing you from having the life that you really want. So it’s a process of making the unconscious. So I suppose that’s a cause we need to be mindful of. Melanie: And the thing is he got away with it because it was a crime of passion. So. we have something called an Enrollment Conversation. And what you have to do is have a conversation with a person like this or with a group. It’s talking about getting the person to recognize what’s not working and what it’s costing them to have it not work. And in my field called the Human Software Engineering. Tom: Oops! I’m sorry to laugh but it was funny. you’re absolutely right.And so. you have to kind of make the unconscious conscious. Tom: He won’t get away from the karmic result of that for sure even if the judge ruled it off. what’s needed in situations like this is we need to have a kind of an interrupt. An Enrollment Conversation is exactly this. And they don’t know they could be having it different because it’s just unfamiliar. This is the antithesis of resentment-free I can tell you. and really say. that they’re settling for a life that’s far less than they could be having. And you actually have to rock the boat a little bit. 6 http://www. Melanie: Go on. We need a method of being able to sort of break in to that status quo. whatever it is.wiredforsuccess. You put me in mind of an 82-yearold man who after 60 years of marriage killed his wife.tv . “Let’s do a little self-assessment here. And when they get what it’s costing them and therein starts to develop a little bit more of a sense of urgency that there’s a need to change things that they can actually have the life that they want. Melanie: Tell me about damaging to life. You have to get some recognition that the person is living. She nagged him once too often.” And do a reality check on how good your relationship actually is and whether it’s really actually really satisfactory to you or not. Beryl. deeply conditioned patterns that are so familiar.

the jealousy is a reaction to an unmet expectation. It can be jealousy.tv . So cleaning up your own inner life is really the foundation for being able to attract the kind of partner you want. And they are putting too much interest in somebody else or in some fashion and your reaction is to be upset that they’re not meeting your expectation. But the problem is that intellectually understanding that doesn’t stop you from doing it. The interesting thing about this is that the upset and the jealousy are reactions that are created inside of you to a story about how thing should be that it doesn’t exist anywhere other than in your mind.wiredforsuccess. And we develop these expectations. But back to the jealousy. Can you just talk a little bit about why jealousy comes up in relationships. 7 http://www. We got this notion of how we think that life should be and we expect it to be like that and we expect our partner to be like that. I talk about that the way to get the ideal partner is to become that person yourself so that you have a congruence with that which you want to attract. It’s a conditioned response. it’s actually that insecurity that’s really at the bases of that jealousy reaction. It’s very uncommon to have a prince charming who meets all your criteria especially if you haven’t become princess charming yourself in your own criteria. Jealousy is a kind of reactive emotion. It’s not something that’s coming out of your knowing but it’s coming out of a reaction to a story that you’ve been making up. And that is. Tom particularly maybe at the early days when people are feeling a bit insecure about the relationship? Tom: Yeah. good luck. you expect the person to behave a certain way. This comes out of the sort of Cinderella syndrome. It happens because we have a certain expectation that our partner or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever should be of certain way. The expectations are stories we’re making up in our mind of how we think it should be.Beryl: I wanted to talk to you about the subject of jealousy because that’s another crime of passion. Well. You still do it because the reaction to the unmet expectation and the jealousy as an expression of that is a learned behavior. And that they should give all their attention to us and not give it to anybody else. In fact in my book.

you meet somebody and you have this buzz of attraction and it turns out that that’s not love. I can remember her saying. Beryl: Yes. it’s conditioning. It’s the excitement over the possibility of fixing him so you can finally get the love you didn’t get. And she spent. is there a way they don’t have to go through this broken heart syndrome? Tom: What I’ve noticed happens a lot with people on relationships is that you tend to be attracted to people who have in them the same the issues. isn’t it? I can remember you talking about that. I don’t know if they still have them. But she spent her teenage years reading those avidly. right? And so.So the way out is to extract you from the energy field of the upset over your expectation not getting met. she went through a few relationships before she had to wake up to this whole romantic notion was just something she bought into and real relationships were never going to be like that. I can see them all lined up on her window sill now. So in my book. Tom: Yeah. And when she got into relationships … Tom: She was expecting that. do we have to go through that process? Do we have to kind of learn by own experience? Is there a shortcut? I think I’ve got young men as sons. Beryl: So Tom. exactly. And it didn’t [indiscernible] [0:15:34] it just didn’t happen. sometimes a rude awakening. 8 http://www.tv .wiredforsuccess. unresolved issues that you had with your parents. Beryl: How fascinating that really is. I have a chapter called Stop Dating Your Parents. She was expecting Clark Gable to come flying in. Because what happens is that people tend to be attracted to their unresolved emotional issues from childhood and so you attract someone who if you can fix them then you’ll finally get the love that you felt you didn’t get when you were a kid. Everybody needs a little awakening. One of my close school friends and she used to read all those romantic novels that we called Mills & Boons. And when you do that then the jealousy is gone. Beryl: Because again.

What you were talking about. It feels like they’re draining. whole. the real answer is to resolve the inner issues that caused you to feel not whole.tv . They keep dating people with the same unresolved issues hoping to be able to fix it so that they can get what they want. the moment you resolve that using the proper techniques. Mel. it was a longing for a sense of being made whole. When you are in a relationship with a needy person. I don’t need that. 9 http://www. the interesting thing is the resolution can be so quaint because this isn’t about therapy or about analyzing or manipulating or fixing anything. So the real issue that needs to be fixed is fixing the problem in you of feeling like you didn’t get the love that you want. So if you can feel whole and complete then you’re really a potential great partner for somebody else. anything that you could give them that would every satisfy that.” Because you don’t need it anymore and what you thought needed before is not really what you needed. there is tendency for people to keep dating their parents. attention. the need is the resolution of the problem at its origin which is inside of you. And my memories that the first time I met Tom. And that’s why it goes on and on and on and continues to be miserable.wiredforsuccess. “Oh. Tom: Yeah. which we can do. it’s like an insatiable black hole. I can’t even remember what the problem was but I do remember it took all of seven minutes. When you see people like that.Tom: And so. no thanks. Melanie: And the interesting thing – sorry Beryl. then what happens is you’re not attracted to people like that anymore. And that’s the kind of partner you want too is somebody who’s self-sufficient. And so. and complete. It’s terrible. Beryl. And the moment you solve that problem. what it’s like? They’re taking your energy. And so. exactly that. There’s no feeling of – you know what it’s like. I was going to say – hold on that thought. There’s no amount of love. the moment you resolve the longing for that sense of being made complete by somebody else so you can really feel whole and complete within yourself. Whenever somebody has that neediness. And it was the catalyst to me coming out of my relationship.

And it is an opportunity. Beryl: So they’re just going from pillar to post still looking to fix that thing.tv .” It was a solicitor who couldn’t bear the loss of a third divorce because it meant sort of having to split the soils again so he killed his wife. Beryl: Well.wiredforsuccess. it starts to interfere with what he’s attached to so he kills them – killed the third one anyway. It is an opportunity for them. So I suppose – it’s a solicitor and I’m thinking. Melanie: And of course. Melanie: You’re saying is reminding me of another grim tale. Tom: Yeah. So he’d been acting all this up from what you’re saying until he got to the point where I suppose he couldn’t see any way of – it interfered with whatever he was attached to. Much better is to go through a very conscious process of resolving the kind of drivers of these behaviors or this kind of decisions to get into relationships like that. Continue. Absolutely. Yeah. I’ve launched a global campaign for emotional competence. And the reason 10 http://www. Tom. Yeah. Go on. it does explain why you see other people because we each do it but if you see in other people clearer than you can see in yourself. Resolve that inside yourself and then you have no attraction to that kind of thing anymore because it was all fallacious to begin with. In a way. that explains that point. so he’s acting out what you’re saying.Melanie: I just suddenly didn’t need it anymore. But most people don’t have the skill or the knowledge of how to take advantage of that opportunity and actually get the growth out of it. Melanie: Sorry Beryl. Tom: This actually brings out the very important point. He’s obviously looking for completion in these – because this was in the space of five years that he had three divorces so he was clearly looking for completion in these people. “Oh. Tom: Yeah. As you well know. Tom: You needed to. And you say. “Why did I always go for that kind of person?” Tom: Exactly that. what they’re looking for is opportunities for their own development.

But in truth. we all have some stuckness. You don’t need to then go through – I mean we talked about in Wired for Success mastering the seven areas of life. every aspect. business.tv . my field. They’re grounded in people’s emotional incompetence. 11 http://www. productivity problems.that I’ve done that is that I found that these techniques that we teach in Human Software Engineering. this is why I’m teaching seminars all over the place. all these problems that we have in our society are grounded in people’s inability to resolve their not useful emotions. And it’s at the root of all the problems in relationships. it’s always interesting what you say. it might be relationships. Free to Succeed seminars. their professional life. But when I’m listening to you. relationship problems. to clean up on someone’s inner emotional landscape is really the most important fundamental thing that one can do not only for one’s relationships but for one’s contribution to being someone contributing a peaceful integrated person into the world. So the biggest disease on our planet at the moment is emotional incompetence. to be able to resolve one’s own inner emotional problems. every aspect of life. every single one of them. that the problems of our society not to mention everybody’s personal life. training teachers to teach Emotional Mastery seminars. And what you’re really saying is clear that stuckness and you will have – it will have a ripple effect through the rest of your life. you master the area that’s your most stuck area and it changes your relationship with all those other things. work problems. these are all seminars in teaching people these fundamental techniques to gain emotional competence so that they can actually utilize this technology to not only enrich their relationship but their work life. Resolves them so thoroughly that they – the person just is not operating as a victim of their emotions and it’s really clear from examples like the one that you just gave. So. I realized that we all have some stuckness and it might be weight loss. but the problems of our society like crime.wiredforsuccess. Beryl: It’s interesting you – well. Tom. Most of us have some stuckness. financial life. addiction. these Pure Awareness Techniques are so incredibly effective as you both experienced in resolving these kind of what we call not useful emotions like jealousy and resentment and rejection and heart break and longing to be complete and all these kinds of things. And so.

this is just kind of flying off the top of my head right now. So all you have to do is cleanup your own inner emotional landscape. to actually accept and be in a great relationship with ourselves then we can have that kind of being in love with life and with everything. Love is something that is only unconditional and truly unconditional. that might sound a bit narcissistic but you know what I’m saying. It’s called unconditional. gain a sense of self-sufficiency. we have a model called the Core Dynamics of Human 12 http://www. Tom: I mean other people show up differently because you changed yourself. what we call Core Dynamics in Human Software Engineering model. And when we’re in that in love stage which doesn’t last long but we feel that we can conquer the world. Tom: Wouldn’t you like to have a partner who is like that? Beryl: Now. It’s a need. can’t we? It doesn’t have to depend on another person the way they behave and it’s going to die – we can have this on an ongoing basis. you’re talking. independence.tv . you look so fantastic. Everything else that has a condition isn’t love. The love is either unconditional or it’s not.” And what I’m hearing from you was actually once we learn to be in love with ourselves and I know to some. It’s need. self-love. Being with them is not the issue. Beryl: Yeah. There’s only one kind of love. So.Tom: Sure. It has nothing to do with love actually. “God. one of the central. And if it’s not. let’s say. Beryl: And that actually makes me think. And everyone says. don’t we? We feel like anything is possible. that kind of romantic being in love. I mean you can love someone and not be with them or you can love someone and be with them. Tom: You know the way to attract one is become that person because then you’ll have a resonance with the same kind of person showing up. it’s not love even. about being in love.wiredforsuccess. You’ve had the experience I’m sure many times that you changed something about yourself and your whole world changes.

tv . you’re going to kill somebody. But the reason it degrades is because that can’t sustain itself on a background of the clutter of all your inner emotional garbage.wiredforsuccess. 13 http://www. some anxiety or some euphoric recall or whatever it is or whether it’s a substance addiction or whether it’s sex addiction or lust addiction or relationship addiction. you’re addicted. If you have that emotional baggage inside and you don’t clean it up. And whenever that one is the issue. If you really got it bad. One of the Core Dynamics is called Avoiding the Present. you do something in order for it not have to be present. And we now have a technology for being able to change that. This is what we need to stop. Can you talk about that? Tom: Absolutely. are pumping out. We need to stop it. The thing about addiction is that all addictions are forms of attempting to self-medicate. They know what infatuation is which is what you’re talking about. Lust can be an addiction. And the reason people avoid dealing with them is they have this deep conditioning to resist feeling things fully because when we’re little. that early stage of a relationship. And OK. and one of them is mistaking need for love which most people do. So it’s really – that’s kind of an addiction. you’re going to default to your condition reactions that are based on that. Beryl: But you see – and I agree with you. I mean there are so many addictions.Conditioning. And so. And everybody has their addictions because everybody has a database of all painful emotional experiences from avoiding dealing with them all their life. And it’s difficult sometimes to differentiate between lust and love and you only know what it is when the lust kind of disappears. And it’s so simple. You’re going to develop resentments. so let’s talk about lust. And what you’re self-medicating against is some old unresolved emotional pain. These problems are due to emotional incompetence. isn’t it? And it’s a physical addiction because certain hormones of course. it means there are some deep old emotional pain that you don’t want to feel so you do something to distract yourself so you don’t have to feel it whether you’re absorbed in stories about the past or future. Most people have no clue what love actually is. I mean unless you’re thoroughly enlightened. jealousies. we all get emotionally overwhelmed. But relationships can be like addictions. like this attorney.

And it’s something I learned very early on.tv . And then five. Wow! Beryl: OK. So. to avoid being present. the foundation of addiction goes away and you don’t have to do that addictive behavior to avoid the pain because the pain is gone. And I would run these stories about how life could be and they were escapism for me. when you learn how to resolve these deep. looking for my storybook. we become feeling avoidant. that whole thing you had with your eye. if you don’t use the substance and you’re present then the unresolved pain is going to push its way to the surface and demand to be felt and completed because the body wants to be free of it. And when you have deep emotional pain. And so. right? Beryl: Yeah. Now.wiredforsuccess. Beryl: Indeed. It’s not innately human.Nobody likes it. And I spent that night. Tom: Yeah. And when you learn the Pure Awareness Techniques. it’s a form of addiction actually. And you helped me clear some stuff about running stories in my head because I’ve always been extremely good at that. It’s a human – deeply human conditioned thing that we all have. intense emotional traumatic experiences. after you did that. if you have some deep emotional pain and you’re using any behavior or substance to avoid feeling it. So when we learn how to do the opposite of what you’re deeply conditioned to do and you learn how to resolve those deep traumas and emotional pains. And now it’s gone. The body is going to try and push it out just like if you get a splinter in your finger. the three of us did a healing session as you recall. And that’s a really important distinction because we can resolve that and allow ourselves to actually be able to feel fully. It’s deeply conditioned. You had some trauma in there. I’ve had more stories than Grimm’s Fairy Tales I have. most people think this is innately human. Tom: It’s gone and it doesn’t come back which is incredible. So this is reminding me of something that just a few days ago. awake most of the night looking for these stories. You see. The body wants to push it out but we keep suppressing it because of our conditioning. ten minutes it was gone. you can resolve them like you resolved one on our first call. the body pushes it out. it’s the same thing. And it was weird 14 http://www. it hasn’t come back.

” Now interesting. pretty much any marketing you look at anywhere.because I couldn’t find them. There’s no question about that. No doubt about it. And so. we’re inundated with conditioning regarding these two areas of our life. it is. what just I’ve realized is there was one story that I used to run that because of the nature of the story.tv . And after you did that session with me. I felt I needed to be physically bigger than I used to be. you can sort of expand on this a bit because it’s not uncommon for people to start clearing up issues around relationships and then suddenly realized that all the money struggles that they’ve been having vanished with this as well. Tom.wiredforsuccess. And I realized it doesn’t run anymore. from TV. And what’s happened since in these few days is I’ve lost four pounds. And I’ve only just realized that in you talking but – so here we are with this kind – and people think weight loss is just about going to the gym and eating. When you clean up something in one area. OK? I won’t bore you with the detail of why or they juiciness of why but I felt I needed to be physically bigger. Do you want to comment on that? Tom: Well. in many cases there’s a lot of overlap in those two areas. Tom: There are all kinds of incredibly positive side effects to cleaning up your inner emotional landscape. the two issues that people bring up are sex and money. just as this weight issue that Beryl just 15 http://www. Melanie: So. I tried to run that story and it wouldn’t run. It was very strong story. It’s one of the most worthwhile things you can do in your whole life. this makes me think. And this is because these two areas are so central to everybody’s life that the conditioning that we have especially from our families of origin but just from everything. Beryl: Profound. “Why are you doing that? You don’t need to see that. It just wouldn’t run. clearing that up. from just living in the world. But there can be this emotional – and it was a very strong story for me. Of course. and perhaps for the listening audience. It didn’t feel like I needed them either but – and there was a very benevolent voice in my head saying.

It becomes part of their self-definition.tv . They don’t want change in their life. Melanie: Yeah. You get residual effects in other areas that are all positive. Tom that even other fellow colleagues who do sort of work to facilitate other people rather than having a look and exploring it. Tom: It’s nice because there are all kinds of perks and bonuses to cleaning up one issue. it stops corrupting all kinds of files. And so.wiredforsuccess. one of the other Core Dynamics is called Excluding Other Perspectives. it’s definitely worthwhile to learn how to do this. that produces one of the most uncoachable situations because that person is not going to come for getting some change in their life. Melanie: So this process is so clean. Why is it you think people get so frightened of something that’s a) so simple and b) is so capable of freeing you? Tom: Well. and this is where prejudice and bigotry and 9/11 and religious wars and stuff like that live. we want this to become not an option in the world anymore. they tend to get suspicious and think about it as [indiscernible] [0:34:47]. I mean you’d be in real trouble. So yeah. It’s so simple. really strong. And this is where people are so identified with a particular way of seeing the world that they can’t be opened to anything else because it would disrupt their sense of self so much to do that that it’s just too terrifying to do that. To stay in clueless emotional incompetence. People become very much identified with what they are familiar with like we’re talking before. And when someone has a way of working and it kind of works and it’s not giving them a livelihood and all that. the weight was dropping away as in just an unknown side effect of cleaning up something else.mentioned. This is the epitome of resistance to change is total identification with the way you see things. this is one of the great things about Human Software Engineering is when you run the human antivirus software. It’s not going to work. it’s very easy for them to become quite identified with that. So when identification with a particular way of being is really. And so. I mean imagine somebody living in an Islamic country and deciding to become a Born Again Christian. 16 http://www. it’s a threat to the status quo that they have.

So conditioning is not good or bad. When we keep doing and doing and doing and practicing and practicing and pretty soon in time you just have the intention to tie your shoes and it just gets tied and we don’t even notice. Conditioning is just how we learn to do things without having to think about them. they’ve learned to work in a certain way and when they work in that way. When we first try and tie our shoes. we can’t do it. these are all deeply conditioned ways of being . That’s what they’ve learned. And we don’t think about them. This model of the Core Dynamics of Human Conditioning is really quite extraordinary. We just operate inside of them being incredibly limited by them. But the people who are too identified with the way things are and they don’t want to rock the boat.tv . So like that. avoiding your emotional pain. many years by making an inquiry as to. And I was extremely fortunate to have these whole series of insights about the nature of our conditioning. any conditioned way of being that we have as a human being whether it’s playing the piano. 17 http://www. mainly our preverbal conditioning. And to have the notion that there could be something that would be infinitely better that would give them far better results in a much shorter time. But just living inside of that and that’s where they are. then we can – at first. And these insights shed incredible light on why people operate inside these clueless conditioned ways of being completely not getting it that they’re living a life of incredible limitation. riding a bike. they’re going to resist change and they’ll have that kind of resistance that you talked about.wiredforsuccess. we have to really think about it. So that’s the mechanism underneath of why that happens. And when we get to we can do it. the only people that are going to be open to that are the ones who are feeling a sense of lack in the efficacy of what they’re doing and actually want something new. I’ve developed it over many. It’s kind of fascinating to explore. they feel comfortable with that. is there something deeper? Is there something more fundamental to the cause of some of these problems? I had this dedication to getting to the real most fundamental underlying cause of what keeps people in their problems. looking for a sense of completion from somebody else.So for a lot of people in the therapeutic community.

we want to become conscious of them again and we want to be able to do something about them so we don’t have to live inside the severe limitations that are keeping us really from having the life we truly want. They can’t take on new beliefs because it threatens their identity. isn’t it? Tom: Well. Tom: Well actually. carry on. If they buy into a new idea.So conditioning in itself is not good or bad. I say that because it must be – you must meet people all the time where you see the patterns that they’re playing out and how do you stop – I mean it must be hugely frustrating for you to know that they could clear their stuff so easily if they just recognized that. Who are they if they’re no longer that person? Tom: Exactly. it’s energizing and wonderful and gratifying is because I do see people’s problems without question. and maybe they’re just showing up to show me this. It’s very prevalent in things like the scientific community. I debug myself for frustrations so it doesn’t bother me. you 18 http://www. Beryl: If they let go of that. They gave lectures on the subject. I have seemed to be very highly tuned now to. They’re a speaker. Beryl: I say that because having done some work with you now and felt the changes. Tom: Exactly. Tom.wiredforsuccess. When you learn the Core Dynamics model and you clean up your own stuff. who are they? They’ve written a book on the subject.tv . Beryl: What I want to say is – sorry Melanie. But when we’re conditioned in ways of being that don’t service. around people who have bought into their stories so rigidly. And it’s happening everywhere. Melanie: No. And this is endemic in society. to answer your earlier question. carry on. the reason that it’s not frustrating to me to do this work actually. Beryl: And everything that they bought into. Beryl: I don’t know how you go on living your life as you do.

they’ve never had that kind of tiny bit of connection with themselves or they’ve tried so many other things to get there which I did. spiritual development for that matter. There are wholeness’s infinite potential. But it’s blocked by all these not useful emotions. you’re doing it to yourself. Well. Tom: These techniques are not superficial. But it’s exactly what you’re talking about. You can start to think. Beryl: And when you mentioned spiritual there. There’s something that made you create it which is very unfair on people I feel. yeah. I’ve tried so many things. spirituality is becoming a hot topic. Well. you get a thousand different interpretations of what that means. I don’t want to buy into this.” People are being ill. And you experience the wholeness that’s truly there and you can see that all these other things are just little sort of blotches on the surface. infinite potential. And so. people have never had even a tiny little bit of that. yeah. But to address the issue that you’re talking about which is 19 http://www. You’re afraid of wanting it and being disappointed and being – just going back into your space or not being able to fix that bit that other people say. it’s actually incredibly fulfilling because you helped the person see what you can see which is beyond their limitations to their wholeness. Beryl: Yeah. And when you have the technology to clean them up. And now.see all of that. very permanently. You’re more than who you think you are. It’s becoming your amazingness. yeah. your greatness.” And then you do that. “Well. And people I think get confused about what spirituality is. I mean this is not a trivial development. This is a major breakthrough. And that’s incredible. very thoroughly. you just say to them. But you also get to the point rather quickly actually where you see past that into the essence of the person. you’ve created that. Come on. And this is relatively new to me to have this kind of feelings and it does feel incredible. “Yeah.tv . come on. “Hey.wiredforsuccess. Let’s clean this stuff up so you can live the reality of what you truly are. professional development. Come on. Tom: I use the term spiritual development very cautiously because the moment you use this word. But as you say. This is a major advancement for the fields of personal development. we have the technology to resolve them very quickly.” Because there is this – that you’re afraid of wanting it.

And you just live in a kind of frustration. And it’s true that when you’re in the experience of pure awareness. So people learn these things and they try them and they try them and they don’t work. So now. One of the unfortunate things in the spiritual development world is that there are great many techniques that are created by people who read something in the spiritual literature and misinterpret it and then build a whole process of attempting to use that misinterpretation as a means of gaining a spiritual experience.tv . in the state of enlightenment or in the state of Samadhi or in the state of pure awareness. there are no desires. it does. there’s nothing there. Beryl: OK. they are very fortunate actually. many techniques that are based on these kinds of misinterpretations. Is there stuff that we could clear in ourselves that would help us in terms of business whatever the outside world is telling us about economic conditions? 20 http://www.to trying things that don’t work. theory practices and renunciation and all kinds of stuff is being done by people who have no business doing that in the thought. Absolutely. And the reason they don’t work is they’re based on a mistaken notion about how the whole thing actually works. there was a statement in some of the literature that says. I’m thinking about relationships with business. Yeah. And this is because they’re mistaking the ends for the means. reading that says. And there are many. in the attempt that this is going to bring about some kind of an enlightenment only to have a life of unfulfilling – not fulfilling their physical desires and not actually having it produced the enlightenment that they were looking for. Beryl: And that screws your relationship with everything. For example.wiredforsuccess. But somebody who is not very enlightened. It’s just pure awareness. So people who discover how to really do this correctly and properly. So it’s just a description of the state. I have to get rid of desires then I’ll be in the state of enlightenment. all kinds of us. And so.” And what they’re doing is they’re mistaking a description of the ends as a means. there are statements like innovative tradition which I’m familiar with. we’re in times of economic difficulty and many people are struggling with their businesses. Tom: It does. in many of the spiritual traditions. many. “Oh. There was no desire.

we can’t do anything about the circumstances. upgrading emotional competence. But you can’t even think like that if you’re lost to your conditioned reactions. I can 21 http://www. Beryl: So just talk a bit about the energy there because what I experienced when I do this work with you and now of course. When I say get over it. I mean obviously. So. there are always two fundamental things. no. then those are the people who thrive even in economically challenging times. And when you do that adequately. Now. you need to get the resolution of the energy of these experiential residual things that are held in the body. you can deal with it actually all day long and you’ll be in therapy for 20 years and not get a result. There is the circumstances and there is our reaction to the circumstances. If you don’t deal with the energy. it’s helpless. we’re not present to be able to deal with whatever there is that needs to be dealt with. you will hear it hundreds of times that in every situation. I mean if you’re in an economic crisis situation which we’ve all been through in these last years. you have to retool. But just that we can laugh about that makes it really clear that it’s not. the people who stay stuck in the depression or the anxiety or whatever from it not working don’t have the presence to be able to respond to the new needs of the moment. But we certainly can’t do anything about the circumstances if we’re all wrapped in some emotionally reactive pattern about it. sometimes we can. resolve the old painful traumatic experiences from your house being taken or whatever happened and get over that. the need is for emotional competence.wiredforsuccess.Tom: I was going to jokingly say. If we’re in anxiety or depression or upset or frustration or anger. these are really just a manifestation of problems that are occurring inside of us.tv . I mean you’ve heard me say a great many times and if you hang around me. you can’t get over it just by deciding to get over it. I can do it on myself which is another great thing about what you teach. Many times. You have to come up with some new creative way of meeting people’s new needs and desires that weren’t there before. So again. when we have problems that appear to be in our environment. Resolve the reactive emotions. it’s empowering because I don’t have to go running off and picking the phone up to other people.

I wanted to mention. Beryl: Or yourself. A loving thing to do for yourself. They have content and they have energy. Tom: Or yourself. You get to get rid of your old pain and fear of rejection and relationships and free up that part of it. totally yourself. because one of the reasons we’ve decided to have this particular interview is I do have an introductory webinar on this topic of relationships coming up. Tom: Yeah. It gets the job done so we can enjoy being here and having a life. We want something that’s efficient. And you can live your life. It’s going to be on February 19th which is coming up pretty quick here and it’s a webinar on resolving the fear and pain of rejection in dating and relationships. 22 http://www. And we’re all familiar with people who have tried to resolve their emotional issues at a certain level of content and it doesn’t look very well. You don’t care about the content when the energy is gone.tv . By the way. you can’t let go of them with the intellect. So it’s a great Valentine gift to give to your sweetheart. the whole thing flattens out and you could care less about the content. And the heart of the matter is the energy that gives the emotion life. two and a half minute video about it that I will get you the link for and you can put it up with this interview and people can click on that. wonderful introduction for people to this work. And what you’ve experienced and what we’ve just talking about is that when the energy is gone. And take a look at the video and sign up for the webinar. And it’s right after Valentine’s Day. Everyone feels a certain sense of lightness when they let go of these heavy emotional energies for sure.wiredforsuccess. It’s only 20 bucks. And I have a little – I have a short little video. It goes into history books. We can forget about it. Is there any way I can really describe it? It just feels like a ripple of nice feeling.just do it myself. This is very common. I mean we don’t want to spend our life processing our stuff. What we want to do is we want to resolve the emotional issues at the heart of the matter. And so. this is a low cost. And I invite everyone to join me for that webinar coming up on the 19th. The thing about emotions is they have two things. You see. what I feel physically is a lightness going through my body.

Beryl: And this person just kind of. isn’t it? Because as I’m listening you talked about rejection. And so. when you get stuck in the place of fearing that you will push up against that old painful rejection energy that’s still inside of you then you don’t want to go try it again because you’re afraid it’s going to happen again. This is the perfect candidate for this webinar. Tom: Yup. Beryl: They just love you unconditionally. And you’re also afraid of adding to the pile by having another rejection experience.” Tom: That’s it. the solution to this is to resolve the energy of the old emotional pain from the rejection and also to resolve the energy of the projection of the possibility of it happening again. Let’s not do that again. Beryl: It’s interesting. Actually. Tom: Yeah. One is you’re afraid of touching that old unresolved emotional pain that you’ve done a good job of suppressing. Tom: Yup. didn’t you? 23 http://www. “OK. Beryl: And I think of – what people can miss out on. I knew this would happen.wiredforsuccess. the cracks are going to show. I know people or the one person in particular who hasn’t had a relationship for over 20 years because of too painful ones. Let’s shut up shop.tv . house animals. Tom: Yup. Beryl: Yeah. OK. “OK. that’s a good one because you can feel that. yeah.Beryl: It’s interesting that.” And you bring it into your life. That’s exactly what we’re going to do in this webinar. well what if the whole thing happens again? And then there’s a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy in that you’re kind of looking for signs that. because animals don’t reject you in the way that people do. You’re afraid of two things.

Melanie: I was going to say. when people go on this webinar.wiredforsuccess. Melanie: But I think it’s also worth saying that not only – well obviously. And … Melanie: We’ll definitely get you back on another time on other topics. Go on. And we’ll post more information about that. Beryl: That’s going to be a good one. Well. 24 http://www. knows you need to heal this. Sorry. But I think it’s worth also mentioning at this point. if you will. It should be a lot of fun. I think probably we have to let you go. if they want to experience a whole two days of Tom. we’re going to see Tom in action throughout a whole two days. it’s so precious and valuable to learn how to heal that so you can overcome it and resolve it and not be the victim of that anymore. And so. OK. Beryl: Yeah. But most people don’t know how to heal it. And I highly recommend that. Tom: I’m looking forward to it. you will resonate with that attracting that into your life to get access to it to heal it.tv . Tom: It will also be in London. the 27th and 28th of April. Tom. I have to say. what would really be useful is for people to put their comments and indicate what other topics they want. Beryl: OK. I’m sure we can organize that to really clear their stuff. that in an upcoming event in April. Tom: You’re going to keep attracting that until you resolve within yourself because the reason you’re attracting it is your higher self.Tom: Yeah. Melanie: Yeah. they are absolutely going to be blown away. And so. Tom will be with us the whole weekend and there will be opportunity to have a little bit of one to one time with you for some people if we can organize that. Beryl: Exactly.

It’s worth actually becoming really good at it. And then we have these incredible techniques called the Pure Awareness Techniques that actually resolve the essence of the energy that gives life to the problem. And the reason we can do that is because we have a whole new tool set. When people know what they’re suffering from. And I’d be delighted to come back and address the key salient points.Beryl: That’s what I’m going to say. we can begin to deal with it.” Some workshops. We can give them some insight to help start to make what’s unconscious about that problem conscious and that’s the beginning of the process because once it becomes conscious now.tv . And I 25 http://www. doing it without even realizing we’re doing it. a whole set of tools and resources and ways of getting access to the true underlying bases of the issue. “Oh well. that Core Dynamics model I was mentioning. And when you resolve it that way.wiredforsuccess. When we’re stuck in the unconsciousness of it and just doing it. then we don’t know that we don’t know. It’s worth learning all about it. And so. can you sort of just give us – stimulate their imagination with some of the things that you do address and it might just fire up their imagination about things they’ve just put up with and thought. Tom: I think everybody has in their lives things that they’ve tried to solve. Tom: Good idea because we get some feedback from your listeners of what they’d like us to address. doing it. It’s like it just can’t access it anymore. It’s just gone. the whole problem becomes like a non issue. the kneejerk conditioned response reaction. they know that they’re struggling whether it’s in relationships or whether it’s finances or whether it’s health or whatever it is so yeah. it would be great to get some comments from people. It’s a new technology for resolving the unconscious inner barriers that people have. this is a new technology of consciousness. Like they’ve tried all kinds of different techniques or modalities or practitioners or whatever to solve them and the cool thing about Human Software Engineering is that we specialize in solving the unsolvable. It’s like what you experienced. That would be great. problems that they’ve tried to solve that just don’t seem to be solvable. that’s how life is. Beryl. Melanie: So bearing in mind that people get used to being stuck in their problem and they live with it in silence.

And there is an article on what is Human Software Engineering and it goes into great detail on all these different things. we will put links under here to – under this interview to let people know how to get in touch with you. 26 http://www. We have an opportunity to make some incredible changes in the world with this technology. Tom: The website that we’re just building. is called EvolveExpress. the levels of life. Melanie: Before we wrap up Beryl. And it’s still under construction but there’s a lot of information there. get involve.com. We have all kinds of ways of debugging and upgrading in our human software and there’s a lot of information there. new one. if you resonate with that.really want to extend the invitation to people who do learn it to become a teacher of it.wiredforsuccess. Beryl: And of course. So if this turns you on. which we haven’t even talked about. the WaveMaker technology. I also have a blog at InnerHumanSoftware. I mean we need thousands of teachers to train people on upgrading their emotional competence. Whoa! It moves me to say that actually. Melanie: Excellent. the nature of emotions. So those are three key sites. just tell us what your website is right now. the Core Dynamics model. we have episode 38. We have others but those are good ones.com. But please. Beryl: Yeah. Tom: That was a fun interview. I also have a website called HumanSoftwareEngineering.com. This is the global campaign for emotional competence.tv . I think it would be great if one of the – we have another interview sometime in the future with Tom where we’re going to talk about WaveMaker because that’s an amazing piece of equipment that there are others similar to it but they don’t – it’s the way it’s used and it’s an amazing eye-opener. Beryl: So Tom. which is our first episode with you so people can go back and get more of you there. the Pure Awareness Techniques. it was great.

wiredforsuccess. the area of how to change these subtle electromagnetic fields that mess up our functioning. So thank you everyone for tuning in to today’s episode of Wired for Success TV. All right. I would love to talk about that. And I tried everything. conventional allergy therapy. OK. I got involved with it because I used to have terrible hay fever analogies and with an earlier version of the technology. Melanie: Yeah. blah. negotiated the distribution rights for the leading device at the time and got to come over to Europe and study with the leading people for several years. We just like to mention before we wrap up. That’s for sure. So I got so interested. because the other thing that we haven’t touched on right now is the ADHD. It is a wonderful technology. blah. Tom: Absolutely. blah. There’s so much we could work with. NEAT. if you are watching this on our site then please comment in the box below because Tom has already said.Tom: I’d be delighted to do an interview with you about that. 27 http://www. the ADD issue that I know you have a great – and I’m going to put my son in front of you when you get to London. I came to Europe for the first times back in ’97.tv . he would love to come along and address your issues and again. Beryl: Yeah. yeah. [indiscernible] [0:59:12]. Tom. Beryl: Sort him out on that one. the older version. So he sits down for more than five minutes. Tom: I like your idea Mel of maybe we do a monthly column or something. nothing have ever worked for me. They were completely gone. Beryl: We have a long list of things for you to address. Yeah. It’s another form of debugging our inner human software. And this just wiped them out. I tried acupuncture. It’s a fascinating area. ideas for new topics for Tom. I had a handful of sessions and it just wiped them out.

So thank you for tuning in.com/WiredSuccessTV Lastly. wherever you’re listening to this episode from. We reply to all comments and suggestions and we would love to hear from you.facebook. Copyright: © Wired For Success TV 2013 28 http://www. So from me Beryl and my co-host Melanie and from our interviewee Tom. If you’re on iTunes listening to our podcast then please subscribe to our podcast and feel free to write a review there.If you’re watching us on YouTube then right above our head here. please just shoot over to our main site http://www. We’re Wired for Success TV at Facebook and on Twitter.tv and join our newsletter for updates and content by adding your name and email.com/WiredForSuccesstv https://twitter.wiredforsuccess. Remember to tune in for the next episode of Wired for Success where we help you to master the seven areas of life.tv . then please feel free to share it with all of your friends. if you haven’t done so already. So. https://www. we bid you farewell and next time. If you hit it.wiredforsuccess. If you’re watching this on any kind of social media. If you head over there. there will be a transcript of this episode too. there’s a button. if you would like to say good-bye. you subscribe and you get loads of more great information from us.

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