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Dave Magee ©2013
. but it really isn’t anything special. hold on. However. but a greater test of this feat of strength is maintaining the hovering position for more than five seconds all the while not touching the seat while peeing at the same time during heavy turbulence. The bathroom was illuminated brightly by the reflection of the sun on the white clouds which were streaming by. at least for this seasoned traveler. This next surprise was more a result of Boeing's engineering and it turns out that on this trip the most interesting thing about flying first class was the bathroom. Occasionally. If anything. Quite simply put. sitting down and taking care of your personal business prevents you from viewing the stratosphere through this incredible window in the first class bathroom on a Boeing 777 at thirty-five thousand feet. this is the point in time where women would normally do their thing sitting down. but if you stay with me. the desire to have privacy in the bathroom. and to be sure of this. it was time to get radical. or practice the art of hovering. and I had the luck of the draw on the way to Beijing. a window! Would you believe it? A window! Yes. because I had further concluded that no one was outside the 777 jet. one begins to appreciate the biological benefits of being able to stand while peeing. in spite of the fact that smoking on a plane has been illegal since the 1970’s. rocketing through the atmosphere at five hundred miles per hour with a bunch of strangers? It doesn’t happen very often that an airline surprises you twice on one trip. . There I was admiring the clouds streaming by at an accelerate rate while gazing out the window and the only . the pilot and the flight crew believe your seat belt should be fastened and remind you of this while you are in the bathroom. I pondered the reality of the window. Thank you Boeing for thinking of my privacy in this manner when all I was really trying to do was to indiscreetly use the restroom without notifying two hundred forty strangers. Don’t go off on a tangent thinking weird thoughts. the airline awards it frequent flyers with a complimentary upgrade. I have never walked into the cramped little spaces of a bathroom on an airplane only to discover. I may lose some women here on these next few sentences. . which is the biggest advantage on long flights. you might find it humorous. The seat is far more comfortable. they in turn are wearing their seat belts and you’re not. Boeing truly tho ught of everything including the non-smoking signs. China. I don’t have a fetish for public restrooms let alone any rest room. Performing the hovering maneuver represents a feat of strength in the quadriceps muscles. The food is slightly better. but what is the point of that when you are flying at thirty-five thousand feet in a metal canister. Boeing equipped the plane with a “red” light symbol indicating that in fact I was in the bathroom of their 777 jet. There is an illuminated light inside the bathroom implying that you take your seat and fasten the seat belt. And there it was! All those years of conditioning by my mother manifesting itself into a single habituated and immediate reaction. flying at thirty-five thousand miles above sea level at five hundred miles per hour. Ok. a conditioned response taught to them by their mothers on how to pee in public places. I concluded on this day. in all the flying that I have done. a window in the bathroom of a Boeing 777 jet airline! This was an astonishingly new thing. and true. but the point is. and I oddly responded by looking to see if there was a curtain or shade to close. However. Maybe it is Boeing’s way of letting you know that while the other two hundred forty strangers know you are in the bathroom. (wait for it) . Ok. . I have gone off on a somewhat unrelated tangent here. which by my latest estimate is approximately three million miles in my lifetime.Global Warming & Yellow Snow by Dave Magee ©2013 Air travel may seem glamorous at times. Oddly enough. Never take these upgrades for granted regardless of your frequent flyer status. you can drink as much alcohol as you want. I closed and locked the door indicating to the rest of the cabin-mates that I was in the bathroom and no one should disturb me. being the highly-intelligent individual that I am.
no make that “expectations” that he will win a second Noble Prize. “would the clouds turn yellow if I were actually peeing on them?” After all. Al Gore pores himself a glass of Jack Daniels. . and so on. green crystals vaporized into the atmosphere resting firmly in a cloud. Sven. and like most scientist. . Fast forward beyond my imaginary world and my imaginary scientist were about to be tricked yet again. blue and through the combination of both liquids. altitude and freezing temperature that it might just vaporize immediately. Alcohol has worked its way into the ecosystem and is now part of the cycle of precipitation. Immediately he draws a crowd from his fellow scientists and one of them takes the liberty to call Al Gore to put him on alert that his affectionately called staff of “really smart scientists” are about to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that global warming is in fact. . but soon nonetheless). Now th ere was a litany of yellow. . for when I flushed the toilet. The phenomena would be quite exciting to the scientist. Out of the sky floats a distinctly yellow flake. “blue water” swirled around the commode. I think the Noble Prize within my grasp. The meticulous job of isolating the yellow flakes is completed and one flake in particular becomes a sacrificial snowflake and is melted to analyze its’ chemical content.Global Warming & Yellow Snow by Dave Magee ©2013 thought that came to mind was. clouds are water vapor molecules and I wondered at that speed. The advanced scientist conclude that soon (although they do n’t exactly know how long. To celebrate his ongoing fame and good fortune. 80 proof! That was the missing clue. waiting for El Nino or El Nena to excite their molecules and create a cataclysmic whether system that no one has ever seen before all because I had one too many gin and tonics on a Boeing 777. This will be catastrophic and Al Gore must write another book in the hopes. . . and then what? Where would it go? Into the cloud. but this is more fun). because why would he? Yellow snow is made by huskies. all plants and animals will be rained upon and every living creature will be inebriated throughout its life cycle. So. the Norwegian scientist takes his samples to his below freezing lab to preserve this incredible discovery of yellow snow that had fallen from the sky. then another. they revel in the opportunity to collect samples. Everyone knows that and certainly huskies don’t live in the clouds (or at least I didn’t see any from thirty-five thousand feet). right? There I was flying from Newark to Beijing approaching the furthest most point of the Northern Hemisphere and I’m wondering if huskies are the only thing that can produce yellow snow. and pounds it down in spite of the hypocritical fact that the Tennessee county he is drinking in prohibits consumption of alcohol. but hosts the famous Jack Daniels distillery. real (and it is. The scientist quickly stops trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue and realizes that there is a whole series of related yellow flakes trickling out of the sky. who at that point wouldn’t even have thought of the probability let alone possibility of frozen pee. I must have had to pee a lot. because my mind kept going with this thought. What about those goofy scientists Al Gore is always quoting? What if they were studying their snow flake samples trying to determine the impact of global warming and its affects? What if one of them was going to work in Norway on a Monday morning and it began to snow. .