The Courting By Dan Finnen

Copyright 2013 by Dan Finnen

Email me at info (at) for free permission to stage or film this script.

FADE IN: INT. FINE RESTAURANT - NIGHT A fine restaurant. LEE sits at a table alone. He plays with a spoon. SARAH walks in and sits in the empty chair across from Lee. She looks at him and they both stare at each other, slightly confused. LEE Hi. SARAH Mark? LEE Nope. SARAH Mick? LEE Nope. SARAH Doctor Wellington XIV? LEE Nope. SARAH (sighs) I’m always so bad at this. LEE At what? SARAH This. LEE This? SARAH This. LEE Dinner?


SARAH Yes. LEE I didn’t know that was even a skill. SARAH I don’t think I’m even in the right building. I’m supposed to be in the Screaming Burger Bath. LEE Oh. This is Kenny A’s. SARAH Never heard of it. LEE Well, you’re here. SARAH Hm. Pause. SARAH Looks like I’ve been stood up again. LEE You said you were in the wrong place. SARAH Don’t defend him! Pause. LEE If it makes you feel any better, I think I’ve been stood up too. LEE’S DATE appears. LEE’S DATE Sorry I’m late I... Lee’s date sees Sarah. She looks at Lee. LEE’S DATE ...Oh. OH.


Suddenly angry, Lee’s date slaps him across the face, hits him with her purse, knocking him off his chair, then takes her heel off and hits him in the face. LEE’S DATE SLUT! She leaves. Lee lies on the floor bleeding. LEE Maybe not. A WAITER walks over to Sarah, ignoring the bleeding Lee on the ground. WAITER Madimadimasmidasmosiosiomadamisimodielle. SARAH I would like a bottle of your strongest wine. WAITER Very good. The waiter leaves. Lee climbs up and sits back down in his chair. SARAH She was cute. LEE Was. SARAH I’ll be your new date. LEE ...Okay. Pause. LEE What’s your name? SARAH Whoa, cowboy! It’s only our first date! Sarah laughs uncomfortably loud.


SARAH Enough chit chat. How big is your penis? Lee looks horrified. The waiter arrives and sets a huge, rather scratched up, bottle of wine on the table. LEE Whoa. What’s that? WAITER Upper South Italian Death Hamster Wine. Pause. WAITER ...It’s a bottle of pure grain alcohol. I mixed in a little boxed wine for coloring. The waiter sets down two plastic and comically large margarita glasses in font of them, then quickly walks away. Lee looks at the bottle. SARAH Sounds tasty. Lee pours himself and Sarah a large (and I mean LARGE) glass. SARAH Cheers. They begin to drink. And drink. As they drink they make eye contact with each other and suddenly it’s on. They race to chug their massive glass first. After a serious chugging match, Sarah finishes first by a hair. SARAH WOOOOOOO! Sarah throws the empty glass at the wall beside them. SARAH IN YO’ FACE! Lee finishes, tries not to vomit, convulses a bit, then relaxes.


LEE That’s some damn good wine. SARAH Isn’t it? Sarah sits down. SARAH Let me read your palm. LEE Okay. Sarah grabs his hand and yanks it towards her. She looks intensely at it. After a beat she lets go. SARAH I kind of see the letter M. LEE Interesting. Pause. LEE Do you know my name? SARAH I know lots about you. I know you have socks that don’t match. I know that you have a gray undershirt on. I know that you have a massive dong. LEE But what’s my name? SARAH James Worthenhopper. LEE It is not James Worthenhopper. SARAH Oh. That’s weird. LEE My name is...


SARAH WHOO! Starting to feel a little tipsy. LEE Whoa. Me too. Are we going to get food? Where’d the waiter go? SARAH WHOO! I’m feeling good! LEE You are? SARAH You’re funny. You know that? You’re funny people. I like you. LEE You’re funny too. SARAH You know what? LEE What? SARAH I hate me. LEE You what? SARAH But I like you. LEE WELL. SARAH Yoooou... LEE I hate women. SARAH What. LEE But... I really like... you.

7. SARAH WEE! LEE (Starts to giggle.) I think I’m drunk. SARAH (Starts to giggle as well.) Me too. Suddenly Sarah stops giggling. She stares at Lee. Dangerously seductive. Lee notices this, drunk, and slightly worried. LEE Uh... hey. Sarah grabs the table. LEE Uh... Sarah stands up. She’s in full seductress mode. LEE Are... Sarah starts to climb onto the table across to Lee. LEE What... you... were... in you... you can’t do that! Sarah stops, climbs back to her side and stands. LEE Well. Hm. Um. Sarah pulls a tiny radio out of her purse and puts it on the table. She turns it on and a porno beat plays with some weirdly graphic sounds thrown in for good measure. LEE Hey! This is a restaurant! You’re not allowed... Sarah starts to take off her dress. LEE Never mind. Proceed. Sarah is wearing some intense underwear. She crawls over the table again, knocking everything off of it in the process.

8. She jumps up off the table and on to Lee, straddling him. LEE (A little self conscious.) ...Hi. Sarah starts grinding all up in Lee’s business. LEE Whoa! Hey! Sarah starts moaning, increasingly loud. LEE Are we having sex? I still have clothes on. Aren’t we in public? Sarah drowns out Lee with her moans. She seems to be enjoying herself and orgasms. We think. SARAH WOOO!! Sarah stops and pats Lee on the head. She stands up and walks back to her chair, then picks up her purse and gathers her things. LEE Are you leaving? Don’t you want to go home with me? SARAH Go home with you? GO HOME WITH YOU? DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY NAME? LEE You wouldn’t... SARAH I’M LEAVING! Waiter! The waiter appears. SARAH Take me home. LEE Wha... WAITER Sir, please refrain from harassing the customers.


LEE What? SARAH SLUT! Sarah slaps Lee. The waiter escorts Sarah to the door, where they proceed to passionately kiss. They exit, still slobbering on the others’ face. Lee watches them leave. He gathers his things and stands. LEE Not bad. Not bad at all. Lee adjusts his tie and exits. FADE OUT.

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