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, DevelopmentsEmperor MAR, The Public Domain Press LordsEmperor MAR & lulu.com Magazine Colonizer Mastermind(The Joe) Legend Taste TesterEmpress Lori Michael Aaron Reyes as Emperor MAR Piemerican Magazine #4 2005-2009 Piemerica Spider Vision is the way to a new life: Piemerica.org
0- Cover What keeps the sewage from spilling out. 1- Recipe & Accreditation Unlike motion pictures we can put these wherever we want without getting fined. 2- Last Issue Recap Too cheap to read the last issue for free? Discover the magnitude of headache you missed out on. 3- Bottom Circles W-hats What's Happ'nin Knews Giving our Knews a long name no one understands helps prepare our readers for the bemusing to occur. 4- ‘ot 6 Review Our last ‘ot from an ‘ot 5- Outta Debt Collection Agency Dumb enough to get in debt? Then you’re ready to get scammed by us! 6- Advice Oven~ Humble people ask us for advice and believe me if you ask Piemerican Magazine for advice you sure are humble. 7- The More Store Items, Otems, and Etems 8- More More More Store Doctors say.. a lot of stupid things because they wash their brains as much as their hands. 9- Rules for Schools Explained Rules are more fun than you think! -Teachers 10- Vasing Harvesters The wonderful secret nobody has been wondering about. 11- Bottom Circles W-hats What's Happ'nin Knews Longer stories mean better nutrition for your bones. 12- Piemerica Sells Out! Ad Space that is.. Travel solutions with travel problems (side-effects) 13- Excerpt from (The Joe)’s AutobiographyWorld Heavyweight Champion- March, 1924 (The Joe) was hungry for the win and for a pie. 14- Excerpt from (The Joe)’s AutobiographyWorld Heavyweight Champion- March, 1924 You’ve been waiting to read this all your fruit fly’s life. 15- ‘ot 5 Review We take you even farther back in time but it is not as if you ever left time. 16- Reality Fragrances Our print ad ruined by you already seeing the jokes in The Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? Christmas Eve Special 02- Back Cover Four its sit around the table, one is for U, one is for me, one is for us, one is not free. Air called the night with hunger then sat on stage undone. Air was undone.
Piemerican Magazine #3 From the cover with the map, to the urge to take a nap, Piemerican Magazine #3 was filled with new design, new public domain graphics, and new content. Piemerican Magazine #3 was released nearly four years after its preceding issue and was the first issue to be on sale worldwide yet not sell even as much as the high school campus issue releases of #1 & #2. School or Work? You wrote into our Advice Oven (providing that you are Joenan, Egg/Muzzz, or Empress Lori) with your questions about school, work, & work at school. Our top chef Emperor MAR baked your questions and sent them back to you as "answers" on a digitized yet printable piece of paper. We gave Egg/Muzzz exclusive study tips never seen before (because they suck!) or after (unless you read it again). We told Joenan "It ain't funny to have no money (except to everyone but you)." Empress Lori found out that it is not great to get to work late and she knows this now as she is on her 10th job since February 2006 when it was written to her. ‘ot 6 Review from 20 ‘ot 6 Emperor MAR & (The Joe) push the boundaries of text based hilarity pulling out every trick from the trunk, every word from the bird, every dupe from the coop, & even a Steam Puppet. Several people who read this laughed themselves to death, at least that is how we spin the story in... Piemerican Magazine #4!
Test Your Love for Pie Piemerican Magazine finally ran a piece about pie and pieces of pie. But this piece wasn't about how much we love, oh no, because writing about that would waste valuable pie eating time. This piece was about how much YOU love pie. Piemerican Magazine #3 didn't just take interactive pie related magazine quizzes to a whole new level, it took level taking in a different direction, down.
The Joelympics The Joelympics are a once every Piemerican Magazine #3 event. Fortunately we managed to cover The Joelympics in Piemerican Magazine #3 or else they may have never existed. Numerous wacky sports were described in brief detail and even more numerous than the sports were the alphanumeric characters that appeared on the two pages The Joelympics were covered on.
It's February 2009 and you don't know what that means! It means that it's time for Piemerican Magazine's Month of the Month winner to be revealed. This month's Month of the Month winner for February 2009 is.. *page roll* FEBRUARY! Congradualations* to February for being February's Month of the Month!
*Note the word "Congradualations" is not meant to be spelled "Congratulations." The word is Congradualations meaning, "Slow and hardly noticeable congratulations." In the case of this award the congratulations last about 1 month. 2
Issue 4 - Page 1
Cell Phone Survey % Surveyed Fact 93% 7% 89% 48% 71% 64% 17% 45% 2% 66% Were under the age of 18 Only knew how to answer their phone Were disconnected during the call. Got another call while talking to us Couldn't tell us any of their friend’s numbers without looking it up first. Couldn't hear us during the call but refused to move Pretended to be on the phone in public places just to annoy people Never turn off their ring, no matter where they are. Called their phone a 'mobile phone'. Got in a wreck during the call Law Suit Case Closed
Piemerican Knews has concluded a survey of 1,000 cell phone users throughout Piemerica. The resulting data is shown.
Cob Veltine Report
Cob Veltine was recently (depending on when you read this) the sole survivor of any Piemerican Airlines flight. Piemerican Magazine has long followed Piemerican Airlines horrible mortality rate and has finally, somehow, reached Piemerican Emperor, Emperor MAR for comments regarding this first non-tragedy & why he does not shut down Piemerican Airlines for good or from our perspective for best. Emperor MAR, "I no longer condone them using the Piemerica name but if I were to stop them they would use a new name and subsequently more people would die. As for Mr. Veltine, he has served his time in Piemerican Magazine and is now free to rebuild his life with these spare Lego like toys that I have laying around. Please get them to him for me. Tell him da Emp sent ‘em and if he is looking for Employment, Funny right?, that he should build a Legoesque gas station. I think there are enough pieces here. "
Piemerican foreigner, Guy Witreasonablename, has been in an awful (subjectively of course) law suit situation about hanging his coat in the public men’s room on a jacket hook. Emperor MAR somehow set forth the law back in 2010 that all coat hooks would only be used for coats. Guy represented himself during the case arguing that laws created in the future don’t apply to the past. Judge Flagswarth L. Kabon, notable for sentencing a goat to an “onion pointing,” refused to hear arguments involving “facts” quoted saying “It is against the judicial code to sentence based on moral reality.” The case was closed by Emperor MAR when he needed the court to play tennis. He was disappointed to find that there was no net.
Log Milker’s Corner
Customers of Otis Timbs Book Pub have been delighted to have the benefit of the latest book drinking technology. “People aren’t just stopping in for pagers anymore,” says Otis “they’re drinking two to three books per visit.” The technology that has created this sensation as described by Otis; “Well at the bar I’ve began to implement roller coasters as a way of getting the books to my customers.” Roller Coasters, you may wonder, are coasters with lockable wheels. Piemerica doesn’t allow the amusement park sort of rollercoasters, labeling them ‘Too safe.” But people are finding more amusement than ever now that Otis has been serving up Piemerica’s latest book Lesson Mania!. “Oh yes the people laugh and laugh at Lesson Mania!” says Otis “They find it hilarious at how pitifully pathetic it really is.”
Workers Savor Bad Taste of Pay Day Bar
An unfortunate situation has happened to the employees of Piemerica’s Pollution Factory. Employee Thatsa Unfunynam ordered a PayDay bar from the lounge confectionary vending machine. Unsatisfied with the taste he proceeded to prang the vending machine for something more gratifying to his palate. The factory boss was unhappy about this, as he takes his break a bit later than the other employees and was looking forward to eating a PayDay bar. He placed a pay day bar on all the employees of the factory until he “felt like no longer acting childish.”
(The Joe): Eds de awt sicks review MAR: yip adnudther oot siks haz gon by (The Joe): End wi’ll be dead bay for tee neks wun MAR: Dewn’t fee sut cha pezimist (Ree Grow) (The Joe): Ei Remembird ot 6, eldery tyme I walked a wround I’d get tenniss on mi chues MAR: Ell I remembird ot slix tooth ew no. Ei cam from a fam ov wolvies. Dey wald eet dare own mowthers teat. (The Joe): Eym gad I neber am a woman MAR: Wood ah boot dhat tim thut ya dressed in a dress? (The Joe): Know, no, noe, I wioz aaaaah baby und spilt salidski owned meye shelf MAR: On yur shelf? Whollllo Whollllo ka rez? (The Joe): Yu midth tink uz alk awd naow budt eww joust waw waw waw watch rippers und rappers end roppers well sewn tilk ike dhisahdubahdisadubahdisadubahdis MAR: Yo yo yo MAR is on the flowr he take a liddle bit of beat and make you dance some more. (The Joe): I know how to rock. He knows how to roll. When you’re out of stock come get you some of this we serve it in a bowl MAR: We keep you rockin’ all night from twilight to twilight (The Joe): First you anticipate then participate, if you ain’t done that by now it’s not too late MAR: If you get your lights knocked out you won’t see the light so don’t fight (The Joe): Now, now, now throw ya hands in the air and wave em like you just don’t care and if you got on clean underwear everybody say “Oh Yeah!” Everybody: Oh Yeah! MAR: (Remains Silent) [Music Stops] Everybody: Stares at MAR MAR: Back en aot sidks we didn’t ab washing machones. (The Joe): Yea butt whey dhid halve washing MAR: Wee! Wushed ederyding bye h-and, witch mant way gawt tu wirsh r ands oo! (The Joe): Haw, haw, haw! MAR: What ye hawing at? (The Joe): Eqe lub ta wirsh ye hoonds! Ha, ha, ha! MAR: What ye ha-ing at? (The Joe): Eui lav tar warsh yir hands fritz! Sprits, sprit! Ho! Haw! how?
Supervisor: Listen guys you’re wasting valuable ad space by repeating yourselves so much. MAR: What ye hoaw.. Ow! (The Joe): Y dead yu het hem? Supervisor: I’ve been dealing with you guys’ shenanigans for far too long! If you guys say one more stupid thing.. well let’s just say I’m not here to play baseball. Stands back and swings bat. Ah haw ha ha ho he he! MAR: Whoh, Randolf listen.. Supervisor: Points viciously Don’t call me by my real name! MAR: I didn’t, your real name is.. (feed lost) [Please Stand By.] Excess Body Hair? Get rid of it with.. I Want Hair Anywhere but There It’s a new product by The Hair Club, just hit yourself on the head and grow red hair like never before. Don’t let those imitators fool you I Want Hair Anywhere but There is the most educational product on the market today. It’ll have you looking like a million dollars!
Side effects include green papery skin.
EL Rey: Well looks like another ‘ot 6 Review is ruined by “Supervisor” Ronalt Tuduit. Mr. “Don’t say my name or my seven pet eggs will be ashamed of me.” Sif Ab: else on? is What Channel Changes The taste of a soft drink with the hardness of a block of ice. Ice Block Cola, who needs a cooler? Channel Changes Welcome to Let’s Read TV. The channel that no one ever stays on. Coming up next the daily newspaper as read by.. you. Channel Changes Dad: Under what circumstances did you think it was ok to drive your car off a cliff? Son: Boy-o-boy, I can’t believe I’m getting disciplined in heaven. Channel Changes Announcer: It’s the (The Joe) & Emperor MAR Show. Emperor MAR: Hello everyone and welcome to the (The Joe) & Emperor MAR Show where over the coming weeks and years we will discuss every year in history, excluding those ending in 06. Turns off TV Sif Ab: the this Was really hour? top the of Supervisor: No but this is! Sif Ab: ?Huh
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Geofird Outta was in debt for years until he was forced by the courts to create the Outta Debt Collection Agency. He very soon went on to be the richest man in Ford Heights, IL.
Geofird has now moved to Piemerica to teach us his tried and “true” methods for starting your very own collection agency.
“The only guaranteed way to get out of debt is to sell out and work for the companies you owe.”
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Advise the Wise Please Advice Oven: What do I do about not being able to think of a question to submit to the advise oven? -Empress Lori
There are many things that can be done as question making is loads of fun. Backhanded questions are often answers about people’s character. If someone is playing a character that they are not at least playing is fun. Funning is like running but with a different letter. Letters to the advice oven are always of answerable content due to the knowledge of knowing that people who ask already know but just want to see how far someone else will go. When you think give yourself a wink, a wink that thinks for you, because if you think a loan there is much to be had from a wink. Paying back mental winks should be done in the privacy of one’s home. If you pay back a think wink in public your think wink may be stolen by people who steal (statistically people who steal are the ones who have stolen the most things ever in history). The best thing to do when not being able to think of a question to ask us is to simply as an answer (see Advice Oven concerning the answer to Nope?). And hot dog buns aren’t the only way to eat cereal under the moonlight, milk is good for this too and 10 out of 10 recommenders recommend using it. I being one of those 10 do not recommend it because we are being paid off by corporate interests but I get paid the least meaning I’m the least valuable and if I spill the coconuts about what they are doing I would be the first one to be iced. And nothing says advice like cold cold ice.
The Scope of Nope Nope? -wisper
People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with. Off color remarks usually mean that the teacher’s regular pen has run out of ink. Trying again is like buying again.. because what you bought the first time broke. When things break sweeping creatively can actually cause those things to break dance. Breaking something of use while dancing is also not uncommon in hypothetical circles. But are hypothetical circles really squares? Squares get you nowheres except within squares. Renting a box for shelter can be expensive if it rains because box rental services have no box insurance for rain related weather. Relatives sometimes fake faking being relatives of other relatives but in an under run stone case these people are always found out to be out and about because they are all about being out. Conflicts of statement are a conflicting item indeed, especially for those who need advice. Advice can be nice but harsh if taken as such. How you take it is how you make it. So don’t mope at a nope, just bestion the question.
The Touch of No Love Dear Advice Cookery, What do u do when u dont have true love in your life? -The Big and Great 1
Depending on one’s age, one must consider that writing in shorthand is not considered a romantic gesture. Teenagers may find this type of chat like shorthanding charming but only because they don’t actually know how these words are spelled in real life. Nicknames are also important. Your’s seems to say “I am prideful and my favorite number is one.” Remembered love is a many spendered thing. Spending money for women (please realize the difference of spending money on women) lets the woman realize that you value her enough to spend the money you earned slaughtering chickens and/or wombats at the Wonderbread factory. As the greedy corporations said in the 20th century “Money is the honey to get honeys.” Up to this point I have supposed that you would like to obtain true love rather than taking the less taken stance of “How to celebrate that you don’t have true love in your life” so now I will take that stance. To take the stance yourself you must realize that in reality it is a series of stances performed in the manner of cheerleading. A great form of celebration is to transform tears of loneliness into tears of joy. Another great celebratory method is to try to convince your friends in relationships that it is way better being single. Cite examples such as how feminist are cheerful and have no apparent bitterness towards all men; how single men never objectify females via various forms of media and wondering eyes, how they certainly don’t get so diluted by fantasy that they are never able to have any clue about pleasing a woman thereby justifying feminist bitterness towards men. And don’t forget to go out to many social events where you can feel far lonelier in a crowd than you ever could alone. Doing these things scream “True love sucks (and I’m dying inside)!”
The More Store has exciting new products that you can find nowhere else.
The More Store Food
Dried Snails Goes great with Snail Sauce (Sold Separately)
Snail Sauce Made from real snail slime, try it on dried snails (Sold Separately)
Pepper Roni Who needs mac when you've got pep? (Comes with free mandatory waiver)
Sauce Aged Pizza Made from drunklicious fermented tomatoes.
Water “Water it's the clear choice for a drink.” Yeah because I don't have to buy it. [laugh track]
Audience: Yeah we love it! Shadow Toast An ecomonic toast meal for the whole family. It’s so delicious that no one is going to murder me for making bad jokes because they are too busy drinking water.
The More Store Food
Deluxe Bread Sandwich Delicious & economic meal for one or if you’re the hungry (gluttonous) type get the deluxe bread sandwich. Ice Scream The only Ice Cream that's alive.
Race Specific Bandages Our blood is the same color but our skin isn't. Check out our great selection! Black - $1 a box (because that’s all they can afford). American Indian - $1 a box (Sacajawea dollars only).
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Motion Radio (Works only during earthquakes).
Scotch Tape Smokers have the patch well now drunks have Scotch Tape! And yes it does stick to your tongue. For those of different tastes we also have the Gin Pin. It works so good it hurts.
Night Lamp The lamp with no bulb excellently mimics the look of night, somewhat possible even during the day. Wireless Cables Me: Umm, I'm not sure how to explain this one boss. My Employer: Just type something! Me: Ok *types* is this good? My Employer: Yeah, yeah, we need this out by tomorrow
Rule: Follow directions the first time they are given. Meaning: Do not read this twice. Rule: NO RUNNING! Meaning: Yelling is ok. Rule: No talking while the teacher is talking. Meaning: This rule is impossible. Rule: Pick up after yourself. Meaning: Defecation is ok as long as you use a pooper scooper. Rule: No smoking “PERIOD.” Meaning: This rule will never appear in grammar class. Rule: Leave other people's materials alone. Meaning: Take people's things and put them in the middle of a distant field. Rule: No food or drinks in classroom. Meaning: In Piemerica this means you can't take your books to class. Rule: Stay in your seat. Meaning: You can take your desk home with you when you graduate. Rule: Keep your hands to yourself. Meaning: Never lend a helping hand.
New! Mosquito BBQ Sauce A Taste of Summertime in every Bottle.
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And don’t forget to pick up a bottle of our original Dynamite BBQ Sauce! It’ll bust you in your grill!
Over the years people have been asking "Piemerican Magazine when are you going to publish an article about Piemerica's confidential and classified, long kept secret, that hidden gem we've heard of called 'Vasing Harvesters'?" Now is the time fictitious beings, for Piemerican Magazine finally reveals what was once to be the successor to Drinking Books.. VASING HARVESTERS The Past A long time ago Piemerica was on top of the world (meaning not in a cave, on a floor, underwater, or similar) with its incredible invention of Drinking Books. During the craze of it all (February 12, 2001) then Piemerican President (The Joe) Legend invented some more very strange ideas during a war with then P.O.C. These inventions were Vasing Harvesters, Capeing Doors, Elasticating Walking, & Tents Chingets. Since then Vasing Harvesters & Tents Chingets have gone on to be fabric of mythical proportions but Vasing Harvesters most of all. The Present Vasing harvesters has become a top industry in the Farmlands of Piemerica, also known as Rock Wash Valley. Vasing harvesters has the power to kill us all or to run under a waterfall. We know it's not much different to say 'Hey grandpa want to go shoot some hoops?' then him replying 'I'd rather kill some communists.' So we had to cancel our trip to Cuba, so what, grandpa would be proud of us. Even through the tough times there has to be order, the order of randomness. My CD player always shuffles the same way. Vasing harvesters is actually putting a large harvesting machine in a vase or traveling back in time and putting people in vases. The Future After the beanstalk fell Jack and Jill went down the hill and the giant came tumbling onto them. Since then the giant has loved collecting Vased Harvesters & has become quite a harvester vaser himself creating stunning full scale replicas of miniature replicas or so we're told. Don't let your dog run free this week Jimmy or he'll bite the big one. "yeah I know but he always runs fast enough to get away." Hmm.. perhaps I should rephrase.. The Vodlektilum EncoÜrg (All time combined at once) I heard your eyesight whisper in the willows like a fondness I have never known. Once I feel alive enough to be with you that is when our sun will explode. Night time is not the friend of forever but a foe unknown. No matter what time we come together our sun will explode. With a crunch through the traffic holds a newness of life. I’m fading and frantic all along feeding the lies. A rumble covered hair piece and a turn of the wrist. They came in swinging. I left in a mist. Until tomorrow is today, yesterday, and everything before don’t reach down inside there is nothing more.
Issue 4 - Page 2
Man Found Dead in Grave After a night of vicious thunder storms hit Piemerica a man was found dead in a grave. No one knows if his funeral was rained out or if the storm lead him to seek final shelter in the 15 foot grave. Piemerican Officers of Police department (POOPd) have arrested Thor under suspicion of aggravated assault. We reached Thor for comments, "I'm the god of Thunder not of lightning. It's not my fault if the guy was a chicken." After Thor's comments POOPd did an autopsy on the man to confirm him a human being and not a chicken being. Once they certified him as a human POOPd returned to Thor questioning him as to why he thought the man was a chicken. Thor was unable to respond and was left in custody in case any chickens were found dead. Agents from POOR (the Piemerican Office Of Reconnaissance) took over the case and immediately looked in the man's wallet. Chief POOPd officer, Noah Clu Etal, gasped in disbelief as he said, "We dug up George Washington!" He was immediately slapped by senior POOR agent, Ice T. The man's driver's license identified him as a pedestrian as he didn't have one. He did however have a punch card with one hole left for a free cane waxing at Rattan Malacca's Cane Emporium and Shanty Sales. Senior POOR agent, Ice T knew exactly where the emporium was and speedily jetted off in his jet-car. Piemerican Knews wasn't far behind after he stopped and arrived on the scene just in time to catch the biggest knews story of the year as Piemerica's strongest man caught a meteorite and threw it back into space. Then we went into the Cane Emporium. Old man Malacca had accidentally been waxing the boots of his canes. Piemerican Knews later found out that elderly, cripples, and pimps all over Piemerica had been slipping and falling while reaching for their telephones, getting out of their wheelchairs, and slapping their hoes. POOR kept trying to cane Mr. Malacca but the canes continued to slip from their hands and fly away. The next week after all of the birds had been poisoned, POOR once again tried to cane Mr. Malacca but an undercover member of the American press broke the story with his camera phone then prejudicly blew the whole ordeal out of proportion. Piemerican Knews caught up with the American and was asked why he so heavily criticized Piemerican customs. He replied, "It's my job to make countries look bad, including my own." Well we here in the media of the worthless country of idiot Piemerica don’t agree with his reporting style at all.
Shot Gun Shot
A very confusing knews story came in to us from Piemerican eyewitness citizen Hilary Billy. A shotgun(gun)1 was shot(hit with projectile) by a shot gun2 [a gun that had been shot(hit with projectile)] with shot(bullet like things) that when shot[hit by shot(bullet like things)], shot(propelled a projectile) another shot shotgun3[a shotgun(gun) that had been shot(propelled a projectile)] which was being shot(thrown) through a basketball hoop by angry man, Lex Tex after having taken a shot(criticism) from his opponent. His shot(attempted throw) was successful and ended up giving him a shot(opportunity) at being on the Piemerican Gun Throwers National Team. Bookies had it as a 100-to-one shot(chance) that he could shoot[throw the shotgun(gun)]. He was shot(exhausted) after the successful game and the fans gave him the nickname “Hot Shot”(nickname). But after the losing betters lost their shot(chance) at big money. They discussed while drinking shots(liquid drinks) how to take a shot(attempt to kill) at “Hot Shot” Lex Tex and took shots(guesses) in the dark as to what to do to him. They decided to shoot Lex Tex with a shotgun[a gun that had not been shot(hit with projectile) by another gun but had been shot(propelled at projectile) during target practice] & blow up his house. After the shot(detonation of explosives) went off Lex came out and was shot(hit with projectile) by a shot(propelled a projectile) shotgun(gun) while carrying his shot gun[a gun that had been shot(hit with projectile) by a shotgun(gun) earlier]. The shooters then grabbed Lex and threw him into the local river where he sunk a shot(12 ½ fathoms) before being rescued. When found Lex’s shirt was still shot(streaked with color) with red. The nurses gave Lex a shot(injection) of medicine. All of this was shot(photographed) by eyewitness citizen Hilary Billy. Hilary turned in the shooters to the police. The police had just shot(filmed) a commercial about how they always keep within an ear shot(listenable distance) of all citizens reports. The shooters were apprehended but their apology to Lex was shot(interspersed) with resentment. The South African godfather of Lex and member of SHOT(Society for the History of Technology), shot(gave) a shot(“Thank You”) to Hilary for saving Lex’s life.
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Excerpt from (The Joe)’s Autobiography
World Heavyweight Champion- March, 1924
(The Joe), though dedicated, had trouble becoming the fattest man on earth. (The Joe) just didn’t have enough money or cannibalistic urge to get the job done. (The Joe) contemplated his options and when being wheeled down the street by his black mailed mafia kingpin he saw a flier giving notice that the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion Robert “The Bob” Robinson was putting out a challenge to anyone who would step into the ring with him. (The Joe) jumped on the opportunity as the flier, which included contact information, was blowing away. (The Joe) began to train, not just with boxers but also with runners, bears, soups, canteens, and even a descendant of the legendary myrrh-maid who’s ancestor was affiliated with the Magi. (The Joe) did all of his training atop a train. (The Joe) declined interview with every newspaper worldwide except for his favorite newspaper The Tribune Post Times. It ran this article titled “(The Joe) vs. “The Bob” Battle of the Articles” and is the only surviving article about the fight. It is shown here taken from (The Joe)’s personal collection published on Sunday, March 16, 1924.
(The Joe) vs. “The Bob” Battle of the Articles Champion Takes On Unknown
– Large Weight Advantage – Life Long Dream
By Ted L. Trim
Boxing newcomer (The Joe) accepts open challenge of World Heavyweight Champion Robert “The Bob” Robinson, on Monday, March 17, at the Friends Auditorium. (The Joe) hails from somewhere he calls Piemerica; Robinson is a product of South St. Paul, MN. (The Joe) vows to wear green trunks in honor of St. Patrick's day and plans to be escorted into the arena by bear trainer Samson LaBarge. Robinson is the World Heavyweight Champion, winning the crown from the seemingly unbeatable Jack Dempsey last December. Robinson has had many successful title defenses and issued an open challenge to anyone in the nation with his title on the line. Training Robinson is preparing with his usual diet of farm eggs and combed hair. (The Joe) however is a different story, training atop a speeding train against bears, midgets, and
even training bare-knuckle by gaining weight but when he saw the flier about the open against a large boulder. challenge he found a possibly quicker route to his dream. The Match Up (The Joe) is not an (The Joe) then let us in on his experienced boxer but has greatest weakness, what he gained fame for being one of calls his ‘first wind’ (The Joe) the fattest men alive giving claims he is the type that needs him a 600 lb. weight to warm up a bit before advantage over Robinson. executing a vicious ‘second News media has declared (The wind’ attack. Joe) to be an excellent counter Climbing in the Ring with puncher because of his body the Challenger fat alone deflecting punches After the brief interview I and causing them to bounce off and throw his sparring was allowed to climb into the opponents off balance. ring with (The Joe) as he Robinson is a brave fighter not demonstrated his dancing afraid to take a few hits to get skills. (The Joe)’s massive in position for the perfect weight is deceptive as he is punch. Robinson has the very light on his feet. The most experience but (The Joe) being amazing thing about his a total mystery puts “The Bob” dancing was how it shook the at a disadvantage which he squared circle making it nearly hasn’t had to face before. “The impossible for me to stand on Bob’s” greatest strength has my feet the entire time I been his study of opponents occupied the ring with him. and the sport, so fighting an This can be a lawful technique outsider with wild training he can use to claim the gold regiments will likely throw from Robinson. him off of his game. What to Expect Expect unpredictable Interview with (The Joe) (The Joe) has granted The excitement tomorrow night at Tribune Post Times an the Friends Auditorium as our Heavyweight exclusive interview with him. World During the interview (The Joe) Champion Robert “The Bob” told us that his life long quest Robinson takes on the has been to become the World challenge of, the heaviest Heavyweight Champion, so heavyweight to ever step into far he has been trying to do so the ring, (The Joe).
Excerpt from (The Joe)’s Autobiography
World Heavyweight Champion- March, 1924
The night before the fight (The Joe) was attacked by a loan shark he had borrowed from the sea. (The Joe) felt that sleeping with a shark was good luck because it keeps a fighter ready for anything. Thanks to (The Joe)’s extensive training he defeated the shark after only 7 Rounds of intense dancing. When press caught wind of the smelly shark carcass they ran an Extra! with the headline declaring (The Joe) ‘Champion of the Sea’ and said that (The Joe) is going to be “The Bob’s” ‘Greatest Dry Land Challenge.’ “The Bob” began to fear (The Joe) and tried to call the fight off. (The Joe) bringing cameras with him created an impromptu press conference. “The Bob’s” manager, Underwood Walter, began to throw all sorts of sea creatures at (The Joe) who promptly danced with them for 3 hours then knocked them out with a single blow & a few punches. “The Bob” watched this all from behind a large flashbulb and furiously erupted after witnessing (The Joe) annilate his pet sea-monkeys. Security then whisked the two away to the area and the match started early. The promoters told the fighters to “be sure and dance for about 4 hours so everyone can take their seats.” So they danced the meanest dance you’ve ever seen. The bell finally rung and the fight began. First a right hand then a left, then a center, a north, a south, a southwest! There were so many fists flying that you’d think that both had lived next to the newly made secret nuclear power plant. After the dust settled Farmer Brown was arrested for throwing dust in the ring. (The Joe) was de-feeted as “The Bob” had used his dreaded illegal Toe Hold Punch. (The Joe) was down but not out, only because he got back up. (The Joe) then landed his devastating Jaws Breaker Punch with a flood of fury to soak the entire arena. “The Bob” went down like a coal miner and fell to the mat for a ten count. One hundred people climbed in the ring to hold (The Joe) up in triumph but even their combined strength could not lift the new Heavyweight Champion of the World! (The Joe)’s first title defense was against a specially selected challenger. (The Joe) climbed into the grave of legendary large man Mills Darden & began the strangest boxing match of all time. (The Joe) was stripped of the World Heavyweight Championship belt, which couldn’t fit around him anyway. (The Joe) often complained that the name of the belt and the size of it were callously contradictive. The match was such a disgrace that any mentions of it or (The Joe) were burned. Even the title reign of Robert “The Bob” Robinson was wiped from boxing history. The title was put back on Jack Dempsey whom “The Bob” had defeated for the title in December 1923. “The Bob’s” manager, Underwood Walter, went on to found Walt D’s SeaWorld which was a short lived amusement park/restaurant/aquarium which coined the term “Pick Your Poison” & also inspired the creation of Disneyland, Captain D’s, and SeaWorld.
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(The Joe): Dat wizz knot a goad yr. MAR: Yep but day year afder et seemd to held slow moch prumise (The Joe): ‘All yer lung I caldn’t waif untilt day necks yar. MAR: Ther wuz diz dizzy gye hoo ewesed tu talk lyke a pyrite budt hay wouldn’t tilk to may. Cries (The Joe): Yar wer ay scoundrely scound yar war. MAR: Dudt waz thou? I thudt thine familiarities werey cimilurd. (The Joe): Pyrites alkd ike me ye scurvy scurve. I stardid ye wrap muzik with the “Yo Hos” & rum drinking. Bilk en ‘ault five rum waz made of books. MAR: Gasp or sigh of relief! Yur de wone hoo hoo wruined sewsighitty! (The Joe): Ets hippy to be sqarey MAR: Weld Ei dewn’t luke a gaft harse en der mooft budt I du luk a guft kar unda da hewd. (The Joe): Spackling of hewds, mi hewd waz sew fli et wars aye spacedship MAR: Du no wart? (The Joe): No wart? MAR: Dey say we eyn’t no wurst thun hax0r tilk (The Joe): Dey rong we en bad helth, Ei coulf aul de time coughs forever more MAR: I ownly saw eu samoke wunce. Thut wuz befar yu stoiped dewing yar own stundts (The Joe): coughs MAR: Hair ez som kough medisign (The Joe): coughs & drinks (The Joe)’s Cough: Ahh I feel all better & stronger than ever. (The Joe): coughs harshly MAR: O know, meens de coff ent cisk & can b ruffer und tuff’r oin [They Jo} (The Joe): coughs up lung! MAR: Ey, ar yu tho won hoo stol mi lungg!? (The Joe): coughs out tooth MAR: Hur izzle som coff poyson that fizzizzleizzles (The Joe): coughs & drinks MAR: nOW! Dew yoo feil aul bedder schnuckums? (The Joe): dies but continues to cough Hawaiian El Rey: I don’t know how to stereotype a Hawaiian. El Rey’s Spanish Dad: Give me the poi son. Hawaiian El Rey: Shouldn’t we use the cure? El Rey’s Spanish Dad: Don’t ask stupid questions like why am I from Spain yet can’t speak Spanish.
MAR: Plase kelp ]Dree Jew”! Hawaiian El Rey: E...ana hana hula ia lapa'au iaia. Hulas El Rey’s Spanish Dad: Stop talking like that no one knows what you just said. Hawaiian El Rey: Hulas quickly & angrily (The Joe): Thank you for your help gentle stranger. MAR: Weight t-hats knot rite dance a dunce dance. Hawaiian El Rey: Hulas like a lolo (The Joe): Drinks a Book MAR: Ewe did it! Hugs ewe. Ewe: Baaa? (The Joe): Der ez too mudtch dreyma and not enough lernin El Rey’s Spanish Dad: Yeah that’s what we need. Rolls rolling pin. MAR: Yeih laits goe boeling! Everybody hop in the van it’s time to bowl. Every boy and every man c’mon let’s bowl. There’s a time and place for fun and at the bowling alley soup is on. Everybody ride down the street it’s time to bowl. Put some stinky shoes on your feet c’mon let’s bowl. If you haven’t bowled and your wrist is weak, your ball is old and you have no technique don’t worry about a single thing. Bowling is still such a fun game. Come on and hit a hot streak it’s time to bowl. Jump up and down on your feet and celebrate. It’s never too late to bowl that’s right, any time of day or any time of night. Just walk up and say “I haven’t bowled today.” They’ll prepare you a lane right away. Yes everybody come on and let’s bowl. Let’s bowl! Let’s bowl! Three Strikes! (The Joe): Ei changd miy mynd MAR: Yeah thut sawong raymynd-d me how motch bowling suks. Don’t forget El Rey he loves to bowl (The Joe): Wull ef he luvs bowln sew mutch yi do’nt he voloontear et th soop kitchen? He does MAR: Ew gawt shud up (The Joe): Yez I shouldern’t hove sirjury wile um wark’n Owner: You call this work? Get out of my office! MAR: Buhbuhbuttt you duhduhdon’t have an office suhsuhsuhsir. (The Joe): Ey’m not afaid ove yu MAR: No but yu ar afaid of hem. (The Joe): Falls out of chair, runs away Owner: You kids.. ha hah! You guys are getting a raise. MAR: I’d rather ave ay raysin Owner: Ok here you go. MAR: Squeals like girl Yippee Zippee! Hops away
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