CORPORATE FAN

Written by Britney Lee Hussey

80 Churchill Street, Unit 2 Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 2X2 519-939-9237 Britney.hussey@gmail.com

FADE IN INT. OFFICE BUILDING CONFERENCE ROOM - MID AFTERNOON

A group of ten top level executives sit in front of a large television screen where they are participating in a live video conference call with two higher level executives. As we look around the room we see some executives listening intently, some taking notes and then we notice a sloppily dressed overweight man with a six-pack of beer. He looks like he’s in heaven, stars in his eyes. This is BILLY BLASCO ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN TOP EXECUTIVE I want to thank you all for taking the time to be here. I know you’ve been busy the last quarter, keeping those margins up and whipping those young sales reps into shape (Laughs) I just thought we’d do a quick update just to touch base. I’m now going to now leave you in the capable hands of my associate Mr. David Regal. DAVID Thank you. Now I’m sure you all got the quarterly memo so I thought we could go over it point by point and just give a bit of background about what you’re looking at right now. Let’s cut right to the meat and potatoes, this quarter we’re up 38% from last years sales. All of the executives in the conference room gingerly applaud. BILLY BLASCO, lets out an over-enthusiastic WOOOOH!!!! He then chugs an entire beer and crushes the can on his forehead. No one really takes any notice. DAVID (CONT’D) Thank you, thank you. I know this is a very exciting time for us. We are really trying to focus on our expansion. We’re set to open twenty eight new stores by next year.

2.

BILLY BLASCO TWENTY EIGHT, THAT’S LIKE A HUNDRED. WOOOOH! I LOVE YOU DAVID! DAVID Thank you Billy. BILLY BLASCO No, thank you David. Every time a pick a daisy, I see your face in it. (Chugs another beer) DAVID Okay. Now we’re really trying to push our stores into some new territories. It may seem scary at first but... FEMALE EXECUTIVE Sorry to interrupt you David, but has there been enough research done to back up the need to push our stores in those places? I’d hate to have to close another store like 247. BILLY BLASCO OH YOU HAD TO RUB THAT IN HIS FACE, DIDN’T YOU??! WHY DON’T YOU TAKE YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT!!! NOBODY BRINGS UP MISTAKES IN THIS HOUSE!!! INTERRUPT YOURSELF AND THEN SHUT UP FOREVER! BILLY hastily wheels her chair out into the hallway and slams the door behind her. He then takes his seat again. BILLY BLASCO (CONT’D) Sorry about that David. I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say I hope that succubus wench chokes to death on her own period fumes. DAVID Moving on. We have done the research and there is a definite need for our product in those areas. We believe that this expansion will push our sales sky high. EXECUTIVE ONE Does this expansion include the midwest at all?

3.

BILLY BLASCO MAYBE IF YOU READ THE MEMO INSTEAD OF MAKING LOVE TO YOURSELF ON TOP OF THE PHOTOCOPIER TO USHER’S GREATEST HITS, YOU’D KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT, PATRICK! WHY DON’T YOU TAKE YOUR MUSCULAR AND ROSE PETAL SOFT MAN HANDS AND GET OUT! NOBODY DOESN’T NOT READ STUFF IN THIS HOUSE!! BILLY hastily wheels his chair out into the hallway and slams the door behind him. He then takes his seat again. BILLY BLASCO (CONT’D) Sorry again, David. I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope he gives himself terminal genital warts of the testicles. DAVID As much as I appreciate what you do for us Billy, you don’t have to yell at everyone who talks to me. BILLY BLASCO Sorry David. Permission to speak my mind using my mouth, sir. DAVID What’s on your mind? BILLY BLASCO (Stands up, beer in hand) I remember when I was a young orphaned wolf boy working for a traveling circus as a tiger testicle masseuse and being so very alone. Then one night, as chance would have it, I was brushing my teeth. I looked down at my toothbrush and that’s how I knew I was going to be somebody. (Tears up) You saved my life. This company saved my life. DAVID You’re at the ‘Jumping Jesus’s Christian Barbecue Sauces & More Emporium’ board meeting.

4.

BILLY BLASCO Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I was at the Timmy’s Toothbrushes board meeting. That must be my eleven o’clock. Darn. So many now, I get them confused. That’s embarrassing. Well I guess I’ll leave. Just out of curiosity, do you think you’d hire me as a corporate fan again? The room is silent. BILLY BLASCO (CONT’D) Well I’ll just leave my comment card here. If you go on my website and enter this pin you can win a free pen. Totally free, no strings attached pen. He leaves, closing the door behind him.

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