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Follow Ray Smuckles, in this 55,000-word supplement to his general intellectual methodologies, as he plans his Friday Parties, travels to Australia, mistakenly visits an Oriental hair loss specialist of the wrong variety, grouses about his lackluster sex life, and otherwise exhibits the proclivities of a man with a curious heart, a bottomless appetite, and far too much money. These collected blogs, tottled off in the wee hours during surprisingly common moments of reflection, describe a thoroughly modern creature with both traditional problems and cutting-edge weaknesses. Mr. Smuckles, a co-champion of the Great Outdoor Fight, has explored the depths and -scapes of all major forms of suffering, with the exception of parenthood and loss of a parent. Despite this, or perhaps because of this, or perhaps in order to set such wheels in motion, he can typically be found “blissed to the nines on bongo sauce and lifties,” usually in or near his room. —CTO
FRIDAY, JULY 02, 2004
I got to get rid of some Nagels
Remember that famous artist from the 80s, "Nagel"? He did all kinds of what was considered at the time "great" art. Anyhow, I just found a bunch of my old Nagel prints down in the garage, stuff that I had on the walls back in my high school days. I need to have a garage sale. I could probably also get rid of those dumb fingerless gloves I bought at The Record Factory when I wanted to be like Julian Lennon. Oh man, I just read about Nagel on the Internet. Apparently he died of a heart attack when he was 39? How do you do that? Probably it was cocaine, but I don't want to say that until I know for sure. I would hate to think of people making up dumb ways that I had died if I had died innocently of congenital heart deformity.
FRIDAY, JULY 02, 2004
A new kind of rum!
Dang, Chris emailed me about this new kind of rum he found today and I went and picked up a bottle! It's like hell of old pirate rum, not clarified or anything, and it looks almost exactly like Sam Adams but without the bubbles. It's got good nose and it's almost spiced like a cognac. It's aged in old bourbon barrels, the label says, and I ten kinds of believe it. I think what I'm gonna do is decant this action into a plain, clear bottle with no labels and just have it be my swill. Know what I mean? A dude's swill. A man got to have his swill. I think I'm gonna buy a skeleton.
FRIDAY, JULY 02, 2004
Damn, where is everybody? It's a friday night and this place is a graveyard! I was thinkin' of spinning some mellow old Police and maybe just keeping low court in the spa for a couple hours, followed by some 9-ball and Manhattans and Comedy Central, but damned if a dude can scare a dude up. I even called Pat, who fortunately wasn't around. Ain't nothin' lamer than hanging out with Pat and only Pat. If it's just the two of us he always insists on trying to teach me various Kanji and the tricks he has for remembering them. Why does the dude figure I need to learn some Chinese.
while they were still pretty clear-headed and most likely to be sophisticated and witty. a few splashes of Polo Extreme Sport (kind of a fun weekend cologne). I’ll tell you how it went down if you really want to know. and a whole other slew of other mall girls get off work at 8pm on Saturdays and go get outta control at S. They have some problems. warming people up to the thought that Saturday can be a pretty good day of the week in addition to Friday). I thought I’d spice myself up with one of my monogrammed shirts. I'm gonna try to find some ladies who tell it like it is and like to throw one back. preferably a small group of them. didn't read too closely). the founders are doing pretty well with that idea.4 SATURDAY. Amber. like the Sex and the City women. Anyhow. Ray's Sex In The City Night With The Ladies Well. 2004 Sex in the City DVDs So I ain't never watched too much Sex in the City until I got Netflix and I accidentally ordered the DVDS (thought I was getting something with Holly Body. So I was looking pretty dapper. kind of drunk. but generally there is a cosmo or martini or two to go round.’s (S. and my new chunky silver chain bracelet before heading over to S. So this afternoon I flipped through my mental black book and I remembered that Brittney.T!. all with my mug just . a dork.T. I could definitely hang with ladies like that. stands for “Saturday’s Cool Too!” which is kind of in response to that TGI Friday’s chain.C.T. to hang out with” thing.C.C. JULY 03. no dice on that “finding a cool group of women. From what I’d heard.’s and joining them for their first few rounds. open at the collar. a hussy and another dork/nerd. These discs are pretty funny! There are the main four women who are like a prude.
flipping through the kids’ menu and waitin’ for the ladies. I thought it would be really funny to say that) . I was straight up Clooneying. there was no bartender. By 9:30 not a single new person had come into the restaurant except for a family on a road trip whose kid had crapped in his pants. sassy girl talk. Anyhow. She said the bar was closed and I was all like “yeah I see that but what can you do for me” and pretty soon she came back with this paper cup that had some marsala cooking wine in it. Only problem was. just waiting in the little entranceway on a bench. all with some low-rise boot cut new GAP jeans on. and the little credit card slider was off. they’d clear out soon enough and my brichichas would be scootin’ into booths. I sort of sadly gave her a fiver and sat and nipped at the nasty stuff for a while. that blew. filling the air with strong. delicious! What you doin’ tonight? BRITTNEY: [loud background party music] Ray? Is that you? R: Some kid just crapped in his pants! (I had had a few more cups of the marsala by then and was kind of addle-brained. so I stopped one of the waitresses and asked if I could get a drink. RAY: Hey. etc. That’s cool. None of the lights behind the bar had even been turned on. Man. so I hit Brittney up on my cell. It was quieter than I had expected--there were just a few families here and there. I sort of cooled it and read the kids’ menu and stuff. I pulled into that place around 8:20 and none of the girls were there yet. finishing up meals with their young kids. thick black Gucci belt. I couldn’t wait.5 trimmed three days before so it didn’t look too fresh and in fact was in its prime. I was gettin’ pretty excited so I went to the bar in the corner and sized myself up for a margarita.
Ray.C. .’s and bringin’ the damage! B: Uh.C. I must have sounded pretty insane. look.T.’s had lost its liquor license about a year back and no one went there anymore.T. I’m gonna look on the Internet about how to make a Hot Toddy. No wonder she didn’t tell me where she was.6 B: What? Ray? R: Seriously! Where you guys at tonight? I’m all up in S. [hangs up] Long story short. I bet I got all the right ingredients. I got to go. S. like I was hanging out blasted at an unpopular family restaurant and calling women to come join me. At any rate.
I just had the greatest old time. I even wore this old pair of sunglasses that I found in the street. 2004 The Dude. I try to watch Big Lebowski about a couple times a year and today was my summer cram. . I had such a great time. JULY 06.7 TUESDAY. and I roached up a nice J using my fingernail clippers. I was set. all with a lousy little cheap glass. and ice. cheap-ass Half and Half. I had Conchita set me up a tray of Ketel. and a robe that I lifted from that B-list Ritz-Carlton in Scottsdale. Kahlua. Man. Big Lebowski is so funny.
8 TUESDAY. Why does he always knock AND ring the doorbell at the same time. 2004 What a nice afternoon. It is completely sunny with a nice breeze. and the spa is bubbling away all cheerily to itself. I wonder how long this perfect feeling can last. I'm still wearing that Ritz Carlton robe. JULY 06. Answer: about three seconds. there's the doorbell and his knocking. It is such a great day around here. the grass was just mowed and edged so it is all beautiful and perfect. which is keeping me at just the perfect temperature. . Crap. and it didn't sit too heavy at all. I'm having a cold Amstel Light right now and am just ten kinds of blissed. because I just saw Pat walk up my driveway. I had some Pappardelle con Gamberoni from Luigi's for lunch. it really gets on my nerves.
That was nice of him. Then he left. so what Pat wanted was to tell me that he just got his driver's license renewed and wants to take me along with him to the DMV headquarters in Sacramento so that he can lodge a formal complaint about something in person. Talk about your five hour round trips in Pat's hinge old Mustang that he thinks is so precious. and he said we could go tomorrow. Plus. . I would never want to do that. He managed to turn my comment into a two-minute blister about how the state is going down the tubes because guys like me sit around in robes and accept the status quo. I told him I had a late afternoon tee time down at Seven Pines. 2004 That douche. I don't know why he thought that would be a treat for me. Okay.9 TUESDAY. JULY 06. and I said that I had standing tee times at all golf courses for as long as he was mad at the DMV.
and you and your friends just act differently because it's a totally different environment. . seeing how folks come outta the woodwork in various ways. I got to admit. Last time we went camping this really drunk guy wandered over to our beach bonfire and kept repeating how many bottles of wine he had drunk (2 or 3. Maybe I'll get one of those Thule roof racks for the Escalade. JULY 07. Like Sting would have. just zipped and velcroed and worked down tight. and I got all kinds of problems with campground outhouses/no outhouses at all. you know? You are out under the sky and there is a small square barbecue for each campground. maybe with some fun dangly ear cords for pulling it down. total gear pro. Then you can be comfortable. It can be pretty wild. something like that). Weird how some cats are. I don't like it if I can't take a shower right after I wake up. 2004 Do I want to go camping? I ain't much of a camper. I can see the appeal if you got all kinds of North Face and REI stuff all kicked and crunked. I wanted to ditch out and maybe throw a log at him but Beef just played along with his rambling. But camping is a different kind of thing. plus a ripstop wool skullcap that covers the ears. Anyhow. You can look hell of sexy in some camping gear. all with some fine leather Nike hiking booties and black tights to cut down wind resistance.10 WEDNESDAY. and at one point helped him back up to the campground to his spot while consoling him on his recent divorce.
like you see at airport bars. OK. Ken's on! Got to hustle. In fact. I was thinking I could take this guy if the categories were like: * Scotch Producing Regions * Bar Measurements * The "Proof"'s In the Potable (knowing %s of various types of liquor) * Country of Origin (where was it brewed/distilled/vinted) * Blind Tasting (they pass around shots and you name them. 50% to old Govvy-D. 'cause he's Mormon he has to give 10% of his winnings to the church. but he also just knows every damn fact in the world. kind of a new thing) And instead of the Daily Double they could call it "Make it a Double For a Dollar!" You know. ain't they!). Amazing.11 THURSDAY.000 of the flattest! This has never even come CLOSE to happening on Jeopardy before. JULY 08. from old sports questions to foreign politicians to like The History Of The Patent Office. I usually play along with Jeopardy before dinner and hit a few streaks myself but this guy has such a pattern. they got this dude named Ken Jenkins on Jeopardy these days and he is like a 26-day champion. . winning over eight hundred grand so far! $800. no one can even touch him once Double Jeopardy starts. and then he can't even have any Scotch while he laments their cuts (whiskeys are the best liquor for when you're cold lamenting. Funny thing though. The dude has great strategy and timing. Incredible. He usually wins by five figures. 2004 Ken the Jeopardy Champion! Man. he always gets all alcohol-related questions wrong.
12 UPDATE: Ken got 4 of 5 liquor-category questions right tonight. . I guess he's been boning up on the cocktail menu at the Chili's in his Radisson.
You can cook a hot dog. sure. no one cooks meat at my house but me. I cook all meats over three ounces and above a certain level of quality. did we set us up a good one today! Dimitri came by with some new stuff he's carryin' at the distributorship. That is my job. me. but you cannot cook larger meats. plus some insane pierogi that Téodor's workin' up down in the kitchen. Téodor can put beef or crumbled sausage in his pierogi. I don't let him do the meats. You can cook smaller side dishes which incorporate meat at my house. JULY 09. . 20. such as entrée portions. I cook the meats at my house. double deep fryers. 2004 It's Friday Night at Ray's! Man. He loves comin' over to cook since we got that whole stainless steel viking setup. the works. but he cannot for example grill whole sausages and present them to guests. but you cannot cook tri-tip or roast a bird.13 FRIDAY. and a bunch of nice old vine zinfandels that are sweet and fine to drink all by themselves. I do that. though. including this hella delicious white beer called Hoegaarden (got us a keg of that).000 BTU burners. Meats are my territory. Not that they won't go real well with these fly Michael Chiarello mail-order ribs I ordered outta his website. I don't care about that.
. That plus a tasty bloody mary had me on my feet and ready to take a big bite outta the day. 2004 What a damn fine day. I think I'll get the clubs and head on down to the Hidden Hills driving range. maybe see if Paul can squeeze me in for a lesson. Since Molly and Beef stayed over last night I had Conchita make us some eggs benedict and home fries. Feelin' good today. which is sunny and warm and just generally damn fine.14 SATURDAY. JULY 10.
2004 I got to improve my game! Daaamn. I got to stone-bone study my rhythm. I can't believe I didn't sink a single ball tonight. So C. his break is insane. JULY 11. and he starts pickin' them off one by one. and I get to lay into it. . you know. but I'm usually in a pretty bad spot and can't do too much. and I'm feelin' pretty sharp. He doesn't move too much or put too much heave into it. I'm gonna get the table checked out too. so you can know what you're doing wrong. Overall. but I figured I'd make it all back today. and I sent a couple bucks his way. But it's like. I'm gonna spend a few hours down at Clancy's Billiards And More. Then he'll like sneeze and miss a shot. always having a real good leave for the next shot. Then he goes on another run. and has made some mighty shots in his day.15 SUNDAY. he's just as amazed at his own good luck as I am at my bad luck! We're just hell of congratulating each other every time we sink or miss a shot. Right away I start noticing a couple things I hadn't seen before. I invited Cornelius over for some pool tonight (I discovered that he likes to play over a couple Hoegaardens yesterday) and he cleaned my clock! He had some pretty lucky runs last night. Old Ray knows one end of the cue stick from the other. First of all. they got a resident pro and this video camera system that tapes you from all angles. I think I lost a cool $1300 tonight. shows up and since it's pretty early on (not like last night) we're on a level playing field and all of that. but damn if every single one of the balls doesn't make one full trip around the table! They end up dispersed pretty nicely. it can get kind of humid in that room.
getting a lesson from the dweeb down at Clancy's. JULY 12. Time to even the score! . Anyhow. It must have been their fill-in kid giving the lessons today. I don't touch the crutch. because he wasn't too great of an instructor.17 MONDAY. When the situation called for me to shoot with the cue behind my back he was all "WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH just use the bridge!" Yeah. While he was mincing around the table with his carpal tunnel wrist thing on. I got to thinking about what I might be doing wrong and I think I'm ready for a little action with Cornelius tonight. I just needed a little fine tuning here and there. not a total rebuild of my already solid style! Heck of annoying. not a good way to spend $75. 2004 I don't think too much of that dude down at Clancy's. right. He kept trying to get me to play like a little old lady.
Jesus. JULY 13. I guess I should have practiced it more before the match (Braveheart was on all afternoon. My faith in my game is pretty shaken after last night. 2004 What the hell. I've always said this. I'm gonna look around on-line and see if there are any heavy-immersion type training camps I can attend. Today my cheek and eye are all puffy. Why? Because it's a more stable shot. . Think about it: you got three stabilizing points of contact for the cue (two hands and a back) to totally keep it steady and shoot true. man? Man. though) because I ended up losing a bit more moolah than I care to mention.18 TUESDAY. I even fell down and hit my face on the table at one point. last night was a hell of a burn! I thought I had my game all figured out: use the behind the back shot more often.
I used to spend days trying to get that good at making sounds with my mouth. I guess they make nice disposable coasters. I just got all of the Police Academy movies on DVD (1-7) and have been all James Lipton in my home theater. No one does a better squeaky door or lock-pick than him. he stone brings the ice. but I didn't end up filling any of them out. I'm not even sure why I got them.19 WEDNESDAY. I can not get enough of Hightower. And Larvell. 2004 Oh yeah! I just checked my e-mail and there are all kinds of questions in there for my advice column! Sorry I ain't got around to this in a while. man. really. JULY 14. I even got blue note cards like he uses. .
then you make a sauce out of like seven possible ingredients. In the dream I had total mastery of the game and it was like I could think six shots ahead.. JULY 16. . I had this dream last night that I was playing pool with all these Italians in this weird circus-painted room. You ever been to Mongolian BBQ? You go down this line and put all kinds of chilled meats and vegetables into a bowl. I think there might have been runes on it? The Italian men weren't really paying attention to me.when I looked at the table a map with dotted lines would just emerge before my eyes. I had this ancient cue stick.and that means old Ray has scared up a mess of fine ideas for his guests! That sushi counter I rented last week was a big hit.. I remember not liking the music. FRIDAY. so this week I got one of those Mongolian BBQ stations. which was like a semi-transparent frosty green glass with a carved ivory grip. and he dumps all that stuff on there and hits it with these wooden swords and works it all around until it's cooked. but with the sound of big ocean waves crashing included. Anyhow. Usually they got egg rolls. who has this huge hot cast-iron drum with a flat grill top. He's down there right now gettin' the thing hot and seasoned. 2004 It's a Chochacho Night Friday. even the guy I was playing. and you give all that to the cook.20 THURSDAY.. which was that French accordion street stuff. too.. . with lots of long heavy drapes and all these different sized fancy globes everywhere. 2004 A Dream. JULY 15. I had the guys at Colonel Li's set one of those up and send over their best cook tonight.
and just a simple top-shelf spread of Tanq. Jim. instead of those little 12s that warm up so fast). Ketel. Jose. Don. etc. I made sure to get some Orangina and limes to go with the vodka so that Téodor can mix us up some of those delicious Voginas.21 Also Dimitri came by with a flat of 24s of Heinie (it's fun to hold the bigger bottle. .
filled with water bottles. Smacks is a real kind guy with a good heart and he got this idea into his head that a fun shower game would be if the dudes had to wear this heavy backpack on their fronts. I had asked Conchita to get me up way too early to start organizing the shower and I had been in a pretty ucky way from the night before. and run a timed course.22 MONDAY. He got his wife all in the family way recently and I offered up the old Smuckles support style in throwing the baby shower. I was wheezing as I tied the shoe. but you know as these things go I was pretty quickly goaded into participating. (The cards had pregnant lady problems on them. Smacks Peel. you know. just easing into the day. JULY 19. then run up a flight of stairs and down again. prowling the cold cuts I ordered from Lucchesi's while slapping their brats on the head and wiping noses. I have to say it turned out pretty well. then eat either a pickle or a prune and show his tongue when it was done.) I had originally recused myself from the event since I was hosting the shower. Bad thing was. even trying my hand at making tomato roses with the vegetable peeler (like Chinese dudes do). then tie his untied shoe. We had a good five dozen over this afternoon. I guess I cracked my first Chimay around 9am. 2004 Kind of a burner Sunday I got this friend from way back on the grounds. I put out a mean spread. and barely stood up again to run for the stairs. First the dude would don the backpack on his front side. By the time the crew cheered me into the Pregnancy Simulator apparatus I was pretty far gone and thin on the inside. you know. When I . After the stopwatch stopped he would choose a hand-written card from a deck and it would either add or subtract seconds from his time ("Constipation! +20 Seconds!"). etc.
After a short bit I heard someone coming to check on me so I sort of weakly scrambled up the stairs and hid in the laundry room. I was passed out in there until just a few hours ago. I ought to e-mail Smacks in a few and see how it went. I'm guessing I didn't win.23 did run for the stairs I felt like someone was pressure-shooting Whip-Its into my ears. . Fine. and when I looked around it seemed that everyone from the shower had left. good. but you never know. There was even this huge pile of gift wrap in the middle of the living room that I guess Conchita will have to clean up. Fortunately no one was following me so when I got halfway up the stairs I fell into a heap and barfed kind of a light mealy substance. Anyhow.
I guess she thought my attempts to use her language were insulting! A sample conversation would go something like this. Conchita!" She snaps. Anyhow. and yells "I quit for you! I no take this anymore!" Then she storms out. I'm thinkin' of getting me a butler anyhow. that would be rad. I go down to her quarters to see what was goin' on and she's completely cleared out! All she left was that paper tiara. people?! So this morning she brings me in my bloody mary and calamari.. She's a little bit older. [Conchita turns and walks stiffly out before I can ask her to make me eggs] See what I mean? Just all kinds of on edge. have guests .24 WEDNESDAY. Conchita! Como te toto polopo! CONCHITA: Hola. She would get especially mad when I would try to be polite to her and speak a little Spanish. A little while later after I finish my breakfast and do a little light reading. beaming nicely] Thanks de the sausages. and real nice I go "thank you. RAY: [smiling. maybe she was goin' through the Change. I don't have time for that. tell me if you can figure out what her problem was: RAY: Hola. Dude could lay all my clothes out on a dressing table. JULY 21. Conchita! CONCHITA: [purses lips] . Señor Ray. crumpled in the wastebasket..de nada. Fine. tears off her little paper tiara and apron. then! She's been real on edge lately anyhow. 2004 Conchita quit! What the hell. it was makin' me kind of uncomfortable.
It's more masculine. . I think a dude needs a butler. not a maid.25 ("callers") wait for me in the parlor (I should build a parlor!). Maybe I'll call Bono and see how he does it. A confidant. all of that butler stuff.
Conchita!" it was like I was this rich man in a bed calling a servant woman of a different race a. Okay. though. what are the chances that I would make up a word that turned out to be really offensive? I guess I finally made up enough words that I found an offensive one. JULY 21.. I've done my damage. I'm serious about gettin' a butler. You see. quick language lesson for everybody: Concha: "pussy" Conchita: "tiny pussy" So every time I said "Thank you. It's a fun and harmless thing I do. Today ain't a proud day around the Smuckles household. you know? Anyhow. Damn.26 WEDNESDAY.well.. though.. . 2004 Oh. I like to make up Mexican words..and I had been calling my maid that offensive word for the last year or so. I was talkin' to Téodor today and I got a little more insight into why Conchita quit.
all with kegs of Natty Lite and downmarket Cuervo shots/Mr. He's doin' kind of a vest thing right now and bringin' down the party with his whole 70s intellectual thing. etc. For food we're hella slummin' with like thirty-two Domino's pizzas showin' up around 8.27 FRIDAY. Appetizers are hot dog rounds on toothpicks with cheese dip. . and Frito pie. and based on Smacks Peel's baby shower I decided to come up with a party game. 2004 Who cares if this week sucked! . That's kind of a game that NASCAR people play. but then I couldn't think of anything so I set up all these different heights of glasses for quarters. What country is good? I don't know much about it. right? Oh. People are gonna think I'm havin' some kind of vegan party where we just eat raw green beans outta a box.because it's a Chochacho Night Friday! I got Dimitri all lined up to bring over a NASCAR party! I thought NASCAR would be a fun theme.. T. I hope Pat puts one on. and they have a short beard on the CD cover. I even got these mad-cool NASCAR pit crew jumpsuits for whoever wants to wear one. Oh.. I got to get down to the Sam Goody and get a bunch of country CDs. Margarita mix. I got this piece of paper and drew a diagram of the yard. I guess I'll just try to get stuff by guys named like Tanner Skye and Cody Flint. JULY 23.
the Comeback Kid: Old Cornelius came over Friday night a little kicked and insisted on playin' a bit of 8-ball. I had some mad runs. and soon he was peelin' off skins! Yeah. I even had mind games on: after he'd try a tricky shot and miss by like just an inch. miss it. Friday night was finally my "better" point in the cycle. Man. I found my form! Here's the story of Ray. and everything just clicked. dude! Next time! Next time!" and he would keep trying (and missing) tricky shots. I was in it. 2004 UNH! Yeah. I am ultra-plussed. Poor dude would go for too complicated of a shot. being as luck changes from better to worse to better over time. But you got to look at games like this as cyclical. I got my old game back. Now. I'd be all "Oh. I could tell he was a little slowed down but I don't like to disappoint a guest.28 SUNDAY. he's been havin' a lucky streak lately. I knew it was bound to happen. and then I'd just cook. particularly when he challenges my authority at the pool table. and I'm down a buck or two. I got to restore my rep! . I'm gonna have him over tonight for more ball. I'll admit. JULY 25. you heard me! Man.
Aloysius was kind of nuts. . Actually. and I'm not even sure if he's still alive. it ain't really a game per se. Anyhow. It brought back a lot of good old memories. JULY 28. it's more like one of those dress-up Ken dolls that you can put shirts and pants and stuff on. just like I used to do. it is a dress-up Ken doll.29 WEDNESDAY. I found the doll in this old box of stuff I had stored in the garage. 2004 I found an old childhood game Well. so I think I'm gonna keep him out for a while and pants him whenever I'm feelin' bored or blue. My weird old uncle Aloysius mailed it to me for a birthday present a long time ago. I set him up on his little stand and pantsed him a few times.
I think I'm gonna start carryin' him around in like a holster or something. Man. It's grounding. but way more funny. Like how some folks rub worry stones around in their hands. old Sony contract renewals and stuff. I am so glad I found this old Dress Me Up Ken Doll! I had a heap of paperwork to deal with today.30 THURSDAY. I can't explain it. you know. and every so often I'd put down my pen. and go like "Eet ees your pantss. I can't tell you how relieving it is to attack the little guy and pull his pants down. ameego!" and just pants him without mercy. squint at Ken. . JULY 29. 2004 Everybody Pants! Ha haaaaaaa! Man.
with some instructors around to give folks lessons beforehand.it turns out Waterbury speaks Russian though and they're practically pals now!). This guy is totally putting his best foot forward. That is so classy. and hovered over me as he asked questions about things like what hour I like to rise.he's got a dude outside carvin' a big ice sculpture for the raw oyster bar.. I even tipped him a twenty and he accepted it perfectly. It's nice he has that accent. offered me a Nat Sherman from a silver case.. and he arranged an entire plan for tonight! We got a swing band. that Italian menswear shop down in the Underground. etc. what I take for breakfast.. 2004 Waterbury's here! Already the dude is totally amazing! I told him about how we usually throw a pretty good dig at my place on Fridays.31 FRIDAY. a sommelier keepin' court in front of some top-flight wines from Dimitri's private cellar (I ain't never seen a dude get on so well with Dimitri. how and where I like to receive guests. sir" in his clean English accent. JULY 30.. Real quick after he arrived he poured me a whisky and soda.he's a real class act. He even set out a perfect outfit for me on this new dressing table he picked up at Battori's. who can be a pretty rough Russian if you know what I mean . with a gracious nod of the head and a "Thank you. . and polished up my brown Kenneths! And tonight ain't even the limit of it.
and some crimson Bally loafers with a matching belt. he had a totally classy golf-type outfit laid out on the dressing table. if that was all right. and maybe the best bloody mary I have ever tasted. Some caramel pleated Barry Brickens (Sly Stallone wears Brickens). this guy is ten kinds of classic! Today as I was just comin' to he came gliding in with a hot tray of perfect calamari fritti. . I was fit! When I got downstairs he told me I had an afternoon tee time at Seven Pines. and he had brought the day's papers and a few magazines. so you don't get stuck with some old man who just smokes and won't look at you. His calamari are way crispier than Conchita's ever were. sort of a light yellow polo shirt. Damn right that's all right! Téodor swings a pretty good stick. and it's always better to go out as a twosome. When I got up a couple hours later. Waterbury! Man. and naturally an after-meal cigarette. and that Téodor would be joining me. and his lemon aioli is way zingier.32 SUNDAY. 2004 Super. Oh. AUGUST 01. Plus he thought to include a small scoop of lime sherbet for cleansin' the palate.
while talkin' about tour results and new equipment and stuff. I like Paul. Maybe I'll get a crew to come in and install a little chipping/putting area over by the tennis court! That'd be a perfect thing to do. AUGUST 03. Bein' that as it is. I usually tip him a twenty and we each have a snifter of Oban outta the micro-bar I got in my bag. he's a good teacher. but he ended up few strokes ahead. I had a pretty good round with Téodor this weekend! I put the beat on him pretty bad most holes. We even analyzed some video so I could see exactly what was going on. 2004 Hittin' the links again! Man. I'm feelin' like Phil Mickelson now. I think he plays pretty frequently. He had me correct just real slight things here and there: havin' me grip a little more lightly. so I got to have Waterbury get me and Téodor a tee time. you know. also. I had a couple hours of lessons with Paul down at Seven Pines today. so my short game wasn't true. and I'd had a few light months lately. workin' around the green and outta the bunker.33 TUESDAY. adjustin' my right-hand rollover. Anyhow. . stuff like that.
I can not get enough of this fresh salmon. I came up just like any other player. A lot of folks think Mayonnaise is pretty trashy. but in truth it is a classic old-school sauce. I'm not above having some mayonnaise. Ooh. a car with no steering wheel. straight up having mayonnaise as a common dressing on my sandwiches. which is poached salmon with home-made mayonnaise on top. You know how you can have a pretty decent short game. that backfired! I think I played Téodor too soon after my lessons. plus a pond with a smoking volcano in the middle. There you go. but just one tiny thing is missing. because I hadn't fully internalized them yet (this is what Paul said). AUGUST 05. it all falls apart? Like having a car. but first some salmon dinner! Man. A couple hours on that thing and I should be Lightning Man around the greens. I think tonight he's makin' this famous old English dish. . like the steering wheel. Fortunately the landscapers just finished building my new putting and chipping area (I even got a couple sand traps made. but a lot of folks are always moanin' about it and berating it. I been eatin' a lot of it lately as part of my research for my advice column. and Waterbury just knows how to cook the hell outta the stuff. just for kicks).34 THURSDAY. 2004 Man. just kind of a B-rate ingredient. I mean. I take no part in that. and when it's made fresh it is hell of good. the car is useless. I never had a problem with mayonnaise. That was my short game yesterday. plus all kinds of fancy garnishes and stuff. but if you change just one little thing about your technique.
so I'm just gonna dress that up and make hands and a head outta papier mâché.. Tonight's party is gonna set the New Limits of Doggery. . AUGUST 06.35 FRIDAY. I kind of think that the food that best represents the 80s is Burger Buddies. Man. with like lime-chipotle aioli and fontina. That's right. For the Burger Buddies themselves we're gonna make them kind of upscale. that robot is gonna kick it around. I'm gonna make a robotic papier mâché Phil Collins to dance around in front of it while his Hits album plays! Sony sent me one of those ASIMO (http://asimo. 2004 Daaaaaaamn! It's Friday." all of that! I even have this one skinny tie with piano keys on it somewhere in my boxes. It's gonna be all dancin' around. Food and drink-wise. I had forgotten that I ordered this MASSIVE poster of Phil Collins off eBay (you know you got to bow to the Sussudio man. which are basically just Michelobs. Dimitri brought over ingredients for Magnum PIs. so I contacted a packaging liquidator who had a crate of the old Burger Buddies cardboard boxes and had them sent by courier (fortunately they were only like 30 miles away). and I decided that it would be shots of aquavit with a free jelly bracelet in the bottom of the shooter .I also spent some time figuring out what would be in an A-ha. so when it showed up today I got this idea in my head. Also. since there is the robotic Phil Collins and all. because fun as Burger Buddies are we're all adults now. I thought I'd go 80s.sort of a treat! I'm gonna have those set out in a drilled block of ice. people of all ages). one shot glass in each drilled hole.com) robots last year. totally moonwalkin' to "Can't Hurry Love.. those little 3-packs of hamburgers they used to sell at Burger King. dude! What could be better.honda. with a big photo of the guys beneath the ice.
Alright. . time to work the phones! Oh.36 We're also gonna have this big bowl of Swatches for everyone to pick from when they show up. Too bad. like three Swatches per person. and Rick James died today. and a little hairspray station with crimping irons. they'd been making a lot of progress lately. Mega setback for the funk community.
and I've got like five hundred unused Burger Buddies boxes sittin' around. . people! Now everyone's mad at me for making them watch that horrible spectacle. It turns out that the ASIMO has all kinds of optical sensors and stuff in its head. so if you put a papier mâché mask on it. Sheesh. The ASIMO has super realistic movements so everyone got really sickened watching him writhe around in flames. so my big robotic Phil Collins concept literally blew up in my face (he fell over and short-circuited or something. tearing at the mask on its head. Just tryin' to show you a good time.37 SATURDAY. 2004 Damn. which was burning pretty good due to being paper. I didn't know that yesterday. and caught fire).Téodor finally wrapped the thing in a curtain and after everyone left I dumped it in the trash. AUGUST 07. it can't see or hear or anything and it freaks out.
38 TUESDAY. I don't know if I've told you about the Awesome before. It's this sandwich I invented only a month ago but it is already my favorite. you know. he noticed that I have some creativity when it comes to food. Here's the stacking order of ingredients: Kaiser roll bottom aioli salt pepper sliced onion lettuce leaf avocado lettuce leaf chopped olives lettuce leaf 3 slices roasted turkey five slices spicy salami! lettuce leaf cooked hamburger patty sliced onion brie slice mayonnaise top bun Anyhow. this upscale kitchen shop in Hidden Hills. and there is a mirror above him at an angle so you can see what his hands are doing. so he suggested that I enroll in this Italian cooking course down at Granite. AUGUST 10. making an Awesome. They got one of those "cooking classrooms" toward the back of the store. where like twenty people can watch a chef prepare things step by step. 2004 Cooking Class Waterbury found me toolin' around in the kitchen yesterday. .
As he started throwing stuff into pans and making people laugh. He ran out with two big raw veal shanks in his hands. I looked up and sure enough she was looking straight at the cat hisself. because she started telling me she was into music and maybe we should talk at the break. I mean fine. I don't know how these guys can always spot me.39 I strolled on down there tonight to check the class out. Plus. I gave her the wink and slipped the phone into my Calvins. some wealthier-lookin' older couples. this plush bar. I got a little vibration from my cell phone. I showed up and it was a pretty decent crowd: some young hip couples. as this really fun. I looked over and the ladies were totally shakin' it. he tossed an eggplant right at me and yelled Catch! I caught it easy enough and he waved for me to . but as soon as he asked for a volunteer I knew 100% that it was gonna end up being me. He totally worked the crowd. I was definitely gonna stay 'til at least the break. all that stuff. so I could just go there if I didn't like it (the class). and even this one fine group of four girlfriends. The chef was one of those guys who likes to have audience participants. Sure enough. Such a good start. So krunked. holdin' 'em high like they were Olympic torches. single guys who you could tell were chefs. It's one of those new phones that people who are nearby can use to text you. and we all stood up and pumped our hands and shook our hips. since the description sounded good. Granite is right next to Napoleon's. So first the teacher got into it. They said you'd make like osso buco and fresh polenta and you could have wine and stuff. It was one of the chicks from the class! I guess she had read my T-Mobile LocalFriend profile. bouncy Sicilian music played. and I mean he really laid into it. Sweet-shaped butts.
waving at the class as they cheered. and chef had given me my stage. I did remember that we had some new mail-order Niman steaks. I looked down at the bottle and in an instinct from my younger days. so I picked up a nice red at Hole In One Liquors. The Granite class had just finished. across the street. I lit off back there. but the doors had been locked since it was after shopping hours. Then he spotted me holding the bottle and held up his hand. all in a fun manner. so no good pounding on it.40 come up and "audience participate. The thing hit me pretty hard. and the chef had come out with everybody to have a smoke and laugh and talk about next time. "Thief!" he yelled. I even took out my cell. but I was too far from the chica to text her. I ran around to the front of the shop. He asked me to go into the wine storage room at the back of the store and fetch some Barolo. I was ready to crack her up. so I set myself up at Napoleon's with a double Bisquit and let the stress fall away." I tossed the thing back and smoothed it up to the counter. I bolted. I could see the fine chica smiling at me. Hopefully the girl ain't so good with her phone that she . so when I was done I tabbed out and decided to make for home. Most of the doors were locked. since I'd gone to the class on an empty stomach. It was one of those big insulated doors. and for that you need wine. but we both noticed that there was none on the counter. but it was pretty dark. I was up the creek. and eventually I found one that wasn't but unfortunately it led out into the alley and before my eyes could adjust I was locked out. I wanted to wait until class got out and intercept the girl. completely forgetting about her. and no one could hear me knock since the class was pretty far back and all that music was playin'. So we set up to braise off the osso buco.
41 has me looked up and arrested. . I don't think I'm gonna be shopping at Granite anytime soon. Meanwhile. They probably got my photo up in their front door all post office style.
So that sucker's bakin' in the ground right now. .. We're gonna have pineapple-glazed grilled lamb. snap! One thing about Hawaiian food (besides luau-cooked pig) is that it's pretty horrible. sawin' the tops off about a hundred coconuts. just like his heroes (TV show guys from Monster Garage). and the ceremonial guys are gonna dig him up later on (right now they're just cooling it with some Coors in the bed of their truck). so maybe we'll ask him to do that after his main tricks. and today they got me to thinkin' that tonight's party should have a Hawaiian theme! You know. etc.. This guy also does some unrelated tricks. or else it's just Subway. 2004 Kind of a Hawaiian Thing! We got this row of palms along one side of the property. They also have a friend who is gonna eat some fire and do a tiki dance. so it's time to break out the patterened shirts and sarongs and lose it in a Mai Tai! I had Waterbury dig a big luau pit (dude can dig with a vengeance!) and we had these ceremonial Hawaiian guys come over and create luau pig (I don't know how to describe it using proper terms). like make his Camaro do a wheelie. He always loves any excuse to use power tools. I remember when I was his age. Téodor and I put our heads together and created this sort of Pacific Rim Fusion menu that is just all kinds of tickling my fancy.if you gave me a tool. these summer days don't last forever. Mostly it's trashy. AUGUST 13.42 FRIDAY. Heh! I get a kick out of thinking that he enjoys using tools. like hamburger patties on white rice with gravy and an egg. Oh. half an hour later I would have created an object. Bein' that as it is. so I got Little Nephew busy in the shop. A big part of any Hawaiian party is havin' drinks in coconut shells.
For music Téodor and I decided just to play a lot of ZZ Top and Aerosmith. That's pretty much it. and my favorite. since ukulele music is lame. and everyone gets fed. crab and pork shu mai. It's all for the common good. We both agreed that ZZ Top and Aerosmith is good music for parties. won ton soup with those Chinese spoons. Do you get what I am saying? When you are at a party you like different kinds of music than when you are alone and you listen to like metal or classical.43 miso-honey basmati. beef pot stickers. banana-leaf duck. lightin' tiki torches. Mahalo! . He came over and made all that stuff earlier today.I've got Waterbury stringin' my fun chili pepper Christmas lights all around.e. a *party* likes those bands. I'm glad that people can use these parties for things like that. and setting out lots of straw hats and leis for folks.. Gonna be a lot better than last week. It's nice to create a haven for romance. Oh. because even if individual people don't like those bands. no part of this party relies on a robot).. there aren't so many things that can possibly go wrong (i. and maybe gonna meet Téodor's new girlfriend! They're goin' on a date beforehand and he said that if it went well he'd bring her by.
A lot of women show up. they had a date down at Grass.anyhow.44 TUESDAY. my friend Téodor. Yet. you know. He is a good dude. one thing that sucks is when a friend has his heart broken. but before I could talk to him he took off. I often do not know many of the women at my parties. He was feeling pretty sour. I will explain. because of me he has had a bad experience. you know) . Lately Téodor got the Lady Eyes for this slummin' childhood friend of Boriqua (Boriqua is a nasty-hot Samoan mamma from the L'Oréal counter.. maybe to hit the links or something. Nothin' you can . He kicked around pretty moody for a while. and he broke it all down. Damn. though. her friend was this skinny nerd with I guess the kind of "alternative" look Téodor falls for. I called him on Sunday. I'm talking about Téodor here.. not socializing at all. Anyhow. I hate to see a brother go through this. since the gates are wide open. Téodor! Man. completely having ideas about permanent feelings. but I guess it didn't go too well because he showed up at my place pretty early without her. You see. and I can't vouch for them all. Téodor is super mushy and romantic and he can just fall in love in like a second. AUGUST 17. I throw my events every Friday night. You can't do anything. Boriqua got the kind of rumpus that God writes braggy poems about. he said. What can you do. and I would never want him to have a bad experience. and lots of types come over to make it tight with the drinks and the dance floor. 2004 Damn.
..life is dirt sometimes. Life is. Not a thing..45 do.
Paprika. all of which feature my custom hot sauce. That is so brilliant.U. Got a lot under the hood. AUGUST 20. and I rented these two hot people to give kisses. you know. Man. Their website said they do this "erotic zydeco" type stuff. Oh. the theme of the party is gonna be “Hot Sauce!” This is mainly to imply that people will have a hot time doing the various hot activities I have planned. like as the hot neighbor who plays a lot of beach volleyball when she's not being a model. who agreed to come play. I am already excited about tomorrow. He's a pretty swift kitty. and that's all I needed to sign on the dotted line. . I got this band. Did you know that I have a custom-labeled line of hot sauce? Waterbury actually thought this up as an idea for a party.A. to expose people to more of my merchandise. As part of the kissing (a $5 upgrade over the basic $5 admission) you can each do a shooter of my hot sauce over an oyster before you kiss. along with a scented candle and a clearly marked trash can (the last thing I need is a bunch of Banana Slugs on the floor). I will put a bowl of Durex and little single-serving packets of lube in there. The other hot activity is a dance floor. I figured out tonight. 2004 Operation HOT S. there's gonna be a kissing booth.46 FRIDAY.C. The man is this hot cut dude who looks like he plays a lot of volleyball. "ga-ron-tee" to make the people grind 'em if they got 'em! On the phone the guy said something about mardi gras. and as potentially a third hot activity I am going to write on a piece of paper that the pool shed is a make-out room. but also that spicy foods will be served.E. and the lady looks like she could be on a TV show. So for hot activities.
all that crazy stuff. at a slight party discount. Also I got the guy from Fat Stan's to come and cook up some crawdads. mashed potatoes. and he is making a special sauce based on my hot sauce. Should be a good time! We're gonna have tables with my hot sauce for sale at all the exits.47 Food's gonna be awesome! I hired the guy from Sedona Mona's to bring his bbq trailer up. . gumbo. asparagus.
the hurricanes and long island iced teas were drainin' by the gallon. so here is what I am gonna run down for you all: 1. running. I don't think anyone follows closer than me. people! What with me havin' a bad case of Olympic Fever.A. A Japanese lady won the women's marathon. very uncool. I even saw Molly drag Beef into the Make Out Room (the pool shed. So far the US is totally dominating pretty much all the sports.U. The Zydeco band was steamin'. but when . and they just ground to the music. and before too long it was "show us your tits!" all over again.A. 3.48 MONDAY. Operation HOT S. volleyball.E.C. It was pretty good! Folks showed up in a pretty sexy state of mind. I nearly forgot about this little bloggity-blog! Okay. so the economy was in order.E. Maybe some stuff about my mom coming to visit The Olympics! Man. I ordered USA team gear from each sport. AUGUST 23. The Olympics. but right after she finished she puked up like this Elmer's Glue stuff. when it comes to the Olympics. and gymnastics.U.C. I dress like a male coach). wearing all kinds of low-cut snakeskin dresses and other hot club outfits. 2004 Dang! Dang. so far 2. which I had decorated by supplying lube and rubbers and a scented candle) at one point. and I put on the appropriate outfit when each event comes on (during the women's events. Operation HOT S. with huge wins in swimming. Fortunately Waterbury had thought to order a crate of beaded necklaces.
She always tells Roast Beef that he is so handsome. and he just blushes and can never handle it. Mom likes to keep up with my friends. My Mom Me and mom really cook it up when she comes to visit! We'll go shopping. and it takes a while to don all that gear. and go to brunch a couple times. and always makes sure to mention their names when she calls. I was too busy chargin' Boriqua to ask him what went wrong. She'll be pleased that he's seein' Molly. Anyhow. Alright. .49 they came out Molly was kind of sour looking and Beef went and played pool by himself. she might come visit in a couple weeks. and probably hit Seven Pines and the Cathcart Gardens. so I just left the pool shed door open and raccoons ate them. after the Olympics. and have some of my friends over for a nice dinner together. All in all there were only three banana slugs on the floor at the end of the night. I'm out. Men's airgun is about to start.
First of all. Gotta go. where when things are going good I come out in a huge fur cape and star-shaped sunglasses. that's not a good theme. good. you know. that's dumb. because there's some Women's Track and Field about to start. maybe tonight we'll have a hippie party.50 FRIDAY. that's the main thing! We ain't on this rock for too long.can't sell hot sauce again. Plus. I'll just get a regular DJ and have a guy in charge of grilling burgers and chicken. I want folks to have a good time. Maybe it'll be an Elton John party. Hippie stuff is so tired. I will tell Waterbury to plan the party. and secondly I don't want people to think these digs are just commercially motivated. 2004 Just kind of a regular party Whew. Let's see. .. Maybe the theme will be that I have been watching the Olympics all week and people can come over. I almost forgot to plan tonight's party! These Olympics are really wearing me out. and have afro wigs and big peace necklaces. AUGUST 27. "share the love" and all. No. Nah.. Let's see. so we got to share the love while we can. There. we sold outta both pallets of that stuff. what to do for tonight's party.
I think at one point somebody deep-fried my leather Raiders hat. chicken breast tenders. bring it. I can understand a guy who's a romantic. right on the tails of Téodor's big heartbreak with that lawyer skirt. he was pretty much a fixture in my living room the past two weeks. He had the dudes from Kayashi set up a custom tempura bar. string cheese. except you tell them what things you'd like dipped in tempura. Dude. and they had even unorthodox kinds of things to make tempura out of. hash brown patties. . like thick avocado slices. which is kind of like an omelette bar. since I'm pretty much a heart-on-the-sleeve player myself. That was a huge hit. particularly once the guests started pouring those sake-boxes for the cooks. 2004 Waterbury=Swiss Army Knife Damn but that dude took care of Friday's party! As you may have read I was not too pumped to prepare the festivities. corn dogs. constantly trying to catch a glimpse of her. Kind of gave me a bad feeling to see him put his imaginary coat over a puddle for her. I think her name is VOLLEY ZILLA or something. AUGUST 29. They got really experimental towards the end of the night. and when I called on him he manned the plate like a pro. but this is like more of a perversion. olives. who could not decline (dishonor). Old Ray has had a soggy shoulder or two in his day. so to speak. That old Cornelius has really got his cook dog on for this goliath-type broad from the Russian women's volleyball team (silver). fellows. even those Halloweën-size candy bars. Oh well. Weird! Anyhow.51 SUNDAY.
I want to get back down to my 2003 weight. I dug into the cellar and got a bottle of Old Vines Zinfandel to go with this punishingly spicy spaghetti e polpettone I was cookin' up.52 WEDNESDAY. I been mainly in that scene. After dinner though I walked up and down the stairs a few times. . SEPTEMBER 01. tonight I had wine! Man. and no you can't have it. 2004 I like wine! It's been a while since I had some wine! I got to tell you. a little high for my tastes. it was nice to have a glass of the rich stuff. old family recipe. I make a damn fine meatball. no. I been kind of avoiding the stuff lately. I'm currently at my 2001 weight. just to get the metabolism up. They got these new Bacardi 0-0 posters around lately. I ain't a carb person. However. where Bacardi and Diet Coke has like zero carbs and zero calories. I liked the wine a lot. since I think it kind of gives me a little gut. I am more in it for the zero calories. Been feelin' pretty lean lately because of it. Anyhow.
we can't have a party based on cones.an almond is kind of shaped like a cone. SEPTEMBER 03.53 FRIDAY. and then thought up cone-style food. and therefore a fundamental part of the world. Jesus.. kind of a new thing Me and the fellas got kind of exclusive last night over at Téodor's. Dammit. We went on-line and ordered everything we could think of that is cone-like.. Maybe if tonight's party was like a Beatles cartoon instead. Crap. 2004 Tonight's party.there are more. he's pretty good on his feet. ice cream sugar cones are cones. Martini glasses are cones. ... Oh. No one's going to care about that that is clever. Think about it: cones are a pretty basic part of geometry. but it's a real party where people don't want to wear cone hats and watch Conan O'Brien loops on a big conical pile of TVs. The theme is cones. Spicy tuna hand-rolls are cones. cones. and we came up with this really incredible. What am I gonna do with all this cone stuff? And what am I gonna do about tonight's party? I better hand this stinker off to Waterbury. we made a list (but I lost it I think on the way home). bottles are kind of cone-ish.. experimental theme for tonight's party. Yeah.. Now we've done it. party hats are cones.
For the three day weekend I mainly played it close and did a lot of swimming. Dove bars. but I don't like dreads on hippies. chow fun. Waterbury. Funyuns. and patchouli oil. milkshakes.. we burned one and tore into the buffet: chocolate fondue with cheesecake balls and snickers on skewers. There was even a Coke machine. macaroni salad. My posse played it hard and cold and pretty soon they dug the vibe and hit the gate. Beef Jerky. which I think was his way of winking at me and silently saying "I know that cone idea was because you were totally high. but that was cool. It has been a damn while since I smelled so much b." Touché. Tom's of Maine salt and vinegar chips.54 MONDAY. For food he put out all this "munchies" type stuff. He disqualified me in the last heat for crawling into my Floatee Lounge and cracking a Coors. it was a good time. Chicken Tenders. I had Waterbury dress up in a navy blazer and deck shoes and blow a whistle. He also rented this local circus act called Trompe L'Danse or something. with like just six hours to go he rallied up and rented a huge flame-throwing mechanical scrap iron dinosaur from this local artist. 2004 A damn relaxing Labor Day weekend. the works. Waterbury totally rescued us from throwing a "cone" party! Man. and this is my dig on you. but they put on a half-hour acrobatics and magic show that was loot.o. .. which I was massively skeptical about. Skittles.until all these dread-lock hippie kids showed up. SEPTEMBER 06. and I would dive into the pool and do a couple laps. All the same. a calzone bar. Damn. potstickers. I know they just like peace and want to be happy.
I think our best one is a Belgian Christmas Ale. To go with all this we got tons of grilled sausages on this special Eastern European grill that's the size of a hot tub. Potatoes are baking up in foil. because it was getting to be about time that I organized my own parties once again. caps lock) we have a nice little lineup for people to try. just straight up making ales. of each. so folks should be hell of pantsy without too much encouragement. so as you might have read. which has just mad amounts of subtlety. peppers and onions are wilting. 2ozs. So! Tonight's party theme is BEER. stouts. That's cool. I flew a guy down from Oregon to help with the fine points. or just straight up try a pint. SEPTEMBER 10. And if anyone's low-carb. pilsners. They can have the six-beer taster. Waterbury turned out to be a spy and he ain't around anymore. we even have a cotton-candy machine and a little booth that sells amber jewelry. I have this little table where you can mix Bacardi and Diet Coke instead of beer. 2004 Damn but am I brewing fine beer! Okay. you kind of turn into the soft calamari. . and WE HAVE (sorry.56 FRIDAY. The old dude that is in charge of the grill straight up sticks his thumb deep into the cooked potato and then pushes a tab of butter all down in there! It is going to be a real old-world night for folks. I have been putting together a pretty substantial microbrewery toward the back of the property. you know? If you always let other people do things for you. the meats are sizzling away. all that good stuff. I kind of needed to prove to myself that I didn't need his help to run my life. It's about 6%.
so it was mano-a-solo. stone cold lying on various sides of his body on the beaches of Kauai. though. and right before he left he told us to shove off and take vacations of our own! I did something really unusual for myself: I fired up the Escalade. perfect for my new rappelling and kayaking equipment. but I was takin' a blast from my travel flask at the time and couldn't get the gun out fast enough to drop the hammer. SEPTEMBER 25. Say what you will about Ray Smuckles. 2004 Back from vacation! Damn! Chris took off for the last week. First things first. as I was gettin' into the idea of some fresh fish with rosemary oil and crisped potatoes. I saw a rabbit run across the trail on my way down to the river. It's invigorating. I had the new VikingXtreme ultra-lightweight 20. . That was fine. a snuggly North Face sub-zero chef's jacket and windproof toque (it had a chin strap and super-warm ear flaps). and headed to the hills late last Friday night! No one else could come at such late notice. which is pretty rugged terrain on the way to Nevada. I couldn't wait to scout out some good rapids and climbs. Lots of cliffs and rivers. Remind me to tell you about the time we went waterskiing. so I set out with Tic Tac and this lightweight little telescoping Fenwick fishing rod (I also had the toque strapped on since a wind was pickin' up). a fold-out chef's prep table. or at least catch a wild trout or bass. but I do enjoy pitting myself against the elements now and then. All I needed was to provide the meat! I figured I'd shoot a rabbit or wild boar or something. Before too long I got up to this place called The Sonora Pass. I hoofed on up to a nice secluded place where I wasn't gonna be seen by backpackers. and a travel set of infused olive oils. and set up base camp. filled the back up with all kinds of hardcore gear from REI. a mini set of Wusthof chef's travel knives.57 SATURDAY.000 BTU cook stove.
Something in the Jameson must have given me unusual strength. No wonder Brokaw doesn't call. I don't know how much later I came to. I was like.58 I had on these new Scarpa Freney XT boots. Long story short. you immediately start sliding. and I was in serious danger of drowning. but I'm glad I did because water was crawling up my sides! The river had risen a few feet due to a rainstorm. You kind of have to ride it like you're skiing: just go with the momentum and stay alert. but they didn't do too well on this big loose shale hillside I had to traverse in order to reach the river. Remembering the flask in my chest pocket. crap. It hit me pretty hard since the altitude was so high—the last thing I remember before passing out was burying myself under more rocks in case some hiker came along. Damned but if my entire outfit wasn't shredded to ribbons. I took it out and drained it before trying to stand up and see if anything was broken (they used to do this in the Civil War). wastedly pulling heavy rocks onto my legs and passing out in a river. I looked like a spent piñata. which the salesman had said were pretty much the best. and I carefully took a look around. That hiker in Utah cut his own arm off to save himself. Pretty soon I had come to a stop. I got about halfway down when my boot snagged on a piece of wood and I took a tumble. and here I was. You ever been on anything like that? It's like a 45-degree slope covered a couple feet deep in broken dinner plates. I used the telescoping fishing rod . The first thing you do in this situation is cover your face: shale is sharp enough to turn exposed skin into deli meat. because one of the rocks I had hauled over my legs was now too heavy to move. The water was halfway up my body when I went all lucid and devised a plan for getting myself out of this tangle. and when you step on it.
As I was getting up. having replaced the 12-lb test line with my carbon fiber boot laces. After a good nap I loaded back up and headed home. I figured nature was trying to tell me something. After a little bit of cranking. gaining a mechanical advantage from the reel.59 against itself. the rock had risen enough that I could wriggle free. I spent the rest of the week watching Curb Your Enthusiasm DVDs and working on my new line of lagers. a big fat trout swam into my open boot. and wild mountain thyme! I sat with a glass of '97 Cinnabar zin and reflected on the events as the morning sun rose. and I was all ears. crumbled andouille. and half an hour later he was sizzling up in a single-weight Calphalon with home fries. .
just lookin' in the windows of various vacuum repair shops and soul food places and dessert-catering companies. you know how it is. your ex. and as you move around and try to get comfortable it senses the areas of greatest pressure and inflates a little bit there. You know. maybe shopping at the shopping center or walking down a lane. you know. There is that paranoid silence while you both gather your thoughts and wonder what the other person is thinking about you. It's kind of like a large robe that you get into. headed in my direction. since we shared so many sheets and laughs back in the day. totally unexpected. it's this self-adjusting pillow system that helps you be more comfortable while you're lying on the couch watching TV. This is how it went down with me today. Anyhow. Damn. Your mind goes blank and you don't know what to do. There is this new product called Komfy Kuddles. giving me this big old embrace and even that half-meaningful kiss on the cheek. having your day. 2004 Saw Tina. We stopped in our tracks and kind of did the look-on-down and tried to think of what to say. and bang. There she is. to give you more padding. I kind of wanted to do the hug thing. You are just out. when out of a doorway steps Tina. on the way to the shop. they sell it down at the A Dansk shop in Hidden Hills. and I was on my way to pick one up after a pretty long week of watching Curb Your Enthusiasm and Sopranos. I was walkin' along. I kind of made like a millimeter of a move toward her and my hands started to go up for the hug and suddenly she just jumped all in my arms. all by herself. She had on that 273 perfume that I had gotten her for her birthday a couple years back. If you move around some more. the . it readjusts. Clark Gable or another classy man would have done that.60 TUESDAY. decorum and manners. SEPTEMBER 28.
It's like Odysseus. She was holding both my hands and giving me this really tender smile and my first instinct was to take us out to Luigi's for a meal together. . I just did not know what to say after we let go. even (seriously) imagining getting us a hotel room for the night and falling back on the old ways.61 one I picked out specially for her. I can't do anything to stop me. a high times place we'd been once or twice before). just to catch up. we're gonna wind up in the sack. he had no choice. She smiled and said she would love to. like a machine. I got a little bit of control over myself and suggested that we have dinner sometime. I'm gonna be all nervous up until I get there. then I won't be able to help but charm her in the ways I know she likes. I know me. you know. Man. It may have been going a bit far but I even suggested a time and a place (tomorrow at The Chophouse. and damn but she felt so soft. And the weird part is. Like a train with a devil brain. then I'm gonna have some Ketel.
Soon her little black dress was sliding down and we were in the throes. telling me that he had just recorded some new songs he wanted me to consider for Prime Time. It was like we were on that little automatic thing at the carwash that pulls you along. all with the same cute old smile. Met Tina at the Chophouse. one more kiss in the doorway as it closed. gave her a little orchid blossom to tuck behind her ear. complimented her arms. Tina always has kept a good bed. After the meal we walked outta the restaurant and just kind of fell into a big hug and kiss right on the sidewalk. It was that bad kind of comfortable.62 THURSDAY. SEPTEMBER 30.. but it was nice to be back in the old familiar situation. my doggies. She looked good. We were a little outta bounds on some '98 Cakebread sauvignon. stuff we remembered about each other. and we fell into a cab headed her way. so smooth did it go. I pointed out the old B-52's postcard she still had on her mirror and settled back down into the fluffy pillows and big down comforter. 2004 Dinner with Tina. where you just might stay. I had expected to want to leave immediately after the deed was done. Everything I said. I gave her a full kiss and pulled out. A little while later she poured us some wine as we sat at the breakfast bar. had a white zinfandel waiting for her at the bar. I did it. consumed with the old passions. all of that.. Fortunately my cell rang and it was Téodor. with her bed-hair kind of falling in her eyes.she even pointed out how I always like to make sure my shoes are pointing the same direction before we hop in the sack. . My Barry Brickens were draped carefully over the dressing-table chair. We talked all about this and that.
.63 I walked home smelling the back of my hand. which I had sprayed with 273 when I was in the bathroom.
kielbasas. That's not all. so tonight's party has a Gnome theme. and other cured meats. slab bacons. and you are the first one to tell me. and Bo Diddley's first Gretsch. all the places it seemed like a gnome would want to be. Anyhow.64 FRIDAY. so go on out and then come back later! Gitcha. a bunch of fancy canned and jarred food. Each of the gnomes has a clue. and if you can put the clues together and figure out the riddle. He is totally styling in his little structured prosciutto Tyrolean and leberwurst lederhosen. you win some treasure! Hopefully someone will win the treasure. which I just bought at auction last week). .Get Into The Gnome Okay. nothing lame like that. around corners. I'm not going to blog about the clues until after the party (I've said too much already!). all of which are on tap) I had a local meat artist build a gnome out of various sausages. there for people to enjoy. in the bushes. which goes nicely with my newly expanded line of Belgian lambics. smoking a small pipe and napping." On the buffet table (the food theme is choucroute garnie. In one corner I put a little gnome figurine lying down against a tree. there are various gnome-type concepts going to be scattered throughout the party. He is even carrying a little bag of sausages! I love a good meat artist. someone who really uses his imagination. frankfurters. OCTOBER 01. The thing is. some other gnomes are hidden in the Japanese garden. I suspended a watchful gnome in a kind of straw and leather "aerie. The people don't got to dress like gnomes. 2004 Friday Night's Party . Under the little bridge that connects the lap pool to the main pool. but I may have to give out hints (the treasure is the big new iPod.
OCTOBER 03. "27"! Did anyone get it? Oh. people. which. and this other one had his face all burned up with lighters. one of them got tied to a 25lb. when put in the correct order? tellray27! That was the clue to come up to me and tell me the code word. The left pinkie ring was the first letter.66 SUNDAY. when put together in order. and the right pinkie ring was the last letter. Each ring had a different letter of the alphabet on it. spelled something. I guess I could have provided some sort of instructions that the party had a hidden theme-riddle based on the gnomes. Most of them had their rings stolen and taken home as party favors. Next time. which would lead to treasure! This is how it worked: each of the ten gnomes was wearing a ring on one of its fingers. Bad move on my part. Each of the gnomes was wearing the ring on a different finger. so I mentioned that each of the gnomes hidden around my last party had a clue on them. A couple of the gnomes got thrown over the fence. . What did the ten rings spell out. dumbbell and thrown in the pool. 2004 Gnome Party clues (SPOILER: read previous entry first!) Okay. hell no.
you know. I don't think I could ever do a diet which doesn't include Round Table Italian Garlic Supreme. 2004 Time After Time Tina and I went to see Goonies down at the Guild tonight (the Guild plays older flicks. Not really sure where all this is headed. and had lots of miso. She saw that it was playing and said it was her favorite movie. and I do notice she is lookin' pretty trim these days. After the flick we went to Toshi's for some nice sushi. just for fun .last week they were showin' Superman. That don't do me no harm. but now that's all gone and she feels a lot sexier. I don't know.67 THURSDAY. tempura and sake. She laughed way too much when the fat kid did the Truffle Shuffle (I kind of slunk down in my seat so no one could see me). she is a lot more forward in the sack. Maybe we need to experiment with positions more. like a little light puff from a can of cooking spray-oil. but it was still a pretty good time. but since I found out she was on Atkins I think I notice that her breath is always sort of funny. We talked a little bit about Atkins. in that way that means it's not really your favorite movie but you really like it and have good memories of it. so we went. for example). and that's all that matters. like kind of oily. we've both been down all . OCTOBER 07. I shouldn't blog about this. It's like. I always like to see that Japanese kid with all the inventions in his shoes. but it's good to be with her again. like it would bunch up when we were in missionary position. you know. I wouldn't have chosen Toshi's if I had known she was on Atkins. Since she's feelin' so good lately. She used to be a little thick around the middle. but she was a player and just picked the seafood off the rice. scraped the batter off the vegetables. but it's workin' for her.
maybe a little bit wiser but also a little bit more vulnerable. there is never any one point where you understand how this all works.68 kinds of roads and found each other again. . I tell you.
the theme of the party was Country Western. For about an hour while he's gettin' plowed Lyle likes to be real chummy and optimistic. I was bidding on these old board games on eBay right up until it started. OCTOBER 09. simmered the chili beans.") Anyhoo. I forgot to tell everybody about what I did for Friday night's party! Sorry. all. so he was all about helping Danger Chuck get his rig set up (Lyle occasionally works in food service as a cook). Téodor and Lyle showed up kind of early so I dudded them up and had them start drinking—this way it would seem like there were already rowdy cowboys at the party when folks showed up.69 SATURDAY. so the main event was locked. and also an old version of Monopoly from 1935 where the "Chance" cards say things like "Your negro spilled soup on a Senator!" and "Your only son is a confirmed bachelor. tight jeans and cowboy hats. 2004 Country-Western party! Damn. baked up scrumptious . I got the guys from Black Irish to come pick some rockin' lowhills bluegrass. and he set me up with his cousin who operates a portable mechanical bull. plus Ten High whiskey. so I went to Salvation Army and bought them out of old yoked western shirts. (I got an original 70s Mousetrap. For music. I saw Urban Cowboy earlier in the week and it was straight-up blumpity. before they replaced all the plastic and metal parts with cardboard. pay $50 to finance his musical. the old quality piece construction. They finished off some real nice dutch oven pot roast. Dimitri set us up with a few kegs of Michelob and Michelob Dark. and I contracted a guy called Danger Chuck's Cooking to serve chuck wagon-type cowboy food from his special old-fashioned cart. Then I stopped by to see the guy who sells flags down by Samoleans' BBQ cart.
Molly was having none of it and kicked him across his butt cheeks (Beef! Dude!). They got into the costumes alright. but they were pretty steamed and couldn't wait to get some beer and separate from each other. I blogged about his baby shower a little while back . like a carnival. and Molly cooled it with Téodor. The chow wagon was lookin' good when folks started flowin' in. Beef went to help Lyle and Chuck with the cart. and even made mile-high apple pies for dessert. folks started to stream in and get into the duds. First to arrive were Molly and Beef. He banged one guy over the . so he came and wound a couple on.you might remember. and I don't want to be a gossip but they were having some kind of dispute. basted the rotisserie chickens. The Black Irish struck up and it was all of a complete. his wife apparently kicked him outta the house and told him to get lost. they hugged. promising scene.70 biscuits and cornbread. and when she pitched a ball that took down his pyramid. who had set some bottles up and was throwing baseballs at them. like old Smacks Peel. Meanwhile. Anyhow. Beef had been watching all this from the sidelines. I know when Smacks says stuff like this he'll get through it — dude is a straight player. Some guys I wasn't expecting to see showed. Turns out he is not happy to be a dad and she has postpartum depression and he wants to die. and before you know it Beef was fighting the Black Irish. and then he tried to do that thing where the country guy pulls the country girl off the premises by her forearm. I slapped a straw Stetson on him and poured out a Dark faster than you can say Raymond Quentin Smuckles. Over in a corner Téodor was setting the bottles up for Molly. Anyhow. the guys in Black Irish got all into it and started to defend the lady.
and by about eleven he had the whole crowd cheering for him. because it started bucking so fast that the whole thing pretty much became a blur. and raised his free hand to signal that he was ready. but a dogg does not have to be a dirt dogg at his friend's party. but then they just became slowly concerned. Lyle went under the bull. but he never fell. who nodded and gave him this special red metal key. and then genuinely terrified. so folks started lining up to take rides. and this had the crowd hooting and hollering. slapping him on the shoulder and getting him beers. What happened next kind of confused and scared me. cinched up his glove. There was no way his spine was handling all the heaving and dropping and whipping and turning — he looked like if you've ever . He'd get up. it'd throw him around for all it was worth. He'd be a little dizzy when he got down. I love my friends. pulled up this sliding door.71 head with his own mandolin before the rest tackled him and forced him into a pretty bad position. People were all over him. About this time the mechanical bull was getting pretty heavy use. I guess that red key-lock thing is like the turbocharger for the bull. and let me tell you. I thought he had the thing cranked up as far as it would go. Damn but if Lyle isn't a dynamo on the mechanical bull! He didn't fall off once. but he never let go. I know the dogg has seen some serious days. Then he got on the bull. but then I saw him talking to the bull operator. I had to go in and bail his ass out. I was none too pleased about it. It looked like Lyle was having all his bones broken inside the sack of his body. stuck the key into some kind of lock and gave it this really hard turn. whipping Lyle around like a rag doll. but I never thought he had experience in honky-tonk pastimes. He kept going beneath the base of the mechanical bull and cranking up the difficulty level. At first people tried to cheer.
but he wasn't making too much sense when he talked. and he began to sit up. So. I saw Beef and Molly turn and fall into each others' arms. When the bull finally shut down. I guess that's part of the honky-tonk credo: if the cowboy is still holding on. a pretty good party! I nibbled on some chili beans while Danger Chuck and the bull guy wound down their operations. spat. walked over to him. and then he lay still. . his body seemed to draw back into form. but then. his fists raised in the air. baby strawberry pie!" Not a good sign. and stood up on the bull. Lyle fell back down onto the chassis. At the back. you've got to let him ride. limp in the saddle. The operator got up. or if the bull was still dangerous. it's Lyle. ever so slowly. I ran up to the operator but he just set his jaw and pointed: Lyle was still holding on. and took the key out of the lock. People were starting to yell things like "Call 911!" and "Oh my god. lifting his head up by the hair. and now people started to cheer and holler with a passion. Lyle squeezed his forehead. I asked him if I could fill his beer and he said things like "a muscle in a poke. No one was sure if they could go near him. poured something from a small flask down his throat. If there's one guy I don't worry about after physical torture. but probably temporary while his brain settles back down inside his skull. It had been dead silent all this time. The bull has an automatic shutoff feature.72 dropped a raw chicken into a laundromat washer when it's on spin cycle. make it stop!" and a few women (plus Smacks) started screaming and crying. Later on I went up to congratulate Lyle and he was standing alright. The crowd was deafening. so it won't keep going indefinitely. and soon all you could hear on the property was the low buzz of the floodlight. his face resting on the foremount. He whispered something in Lyle's ear and then. Lyle was leaned over. His left leg twitched once.
sorry. but I just ended up ruining a really nice pair of Hermès sandals). and at first it seemed like no problem. but I wasn't complaining. I was not mad at you. and she made me coffee in the morning. I mentioned that she is on Atkins. and just instantly we'll have the same memory of the time we had the waiter who sat down in the booth with us and made us uncomfortable. like. Sure it was instant French Vanilla. Sorry. OCTOBER 21. out to all our old haunts (Napoleon's.we even took this pottery class together (she had read in Cosmo or someplace that making pottery is supposed to be sensual. just being silly. blog! Okay.. About 99% of restaurants are off-limits. I even stayed over at her place a couple nights. Sharing even the littlest old memories with her really made our dates special. We'll walk past. Primo's Pizza. Silly's the thing. but over time it is a huge. I was living my life.. though. I mean HUGE pain in the ass to put up with. and it's been a kick. though. Like the time I seared us off a couple filets mignons and set them on a little . so I would have interesting things to say in you! Do not be mad. and whenever I cook anything for her she tries to be nice but just ends up making me mad. Just a couple little things have been getting under my skin a bit. a few movies. blog. Smith & Wollensky). We went golfing (she loves to drive the cart). Tina and I have been spending just a ton of time together. I guess it's the main of what I want to talk about today. First of all.74 THURSDAY. the Red Room. etc So I guess it's been a while since I last blogged. 2004 What's goin' on with Tina. she always drives the waiter crazy when we do manage to sit down.
hold it up to the light. careful not to add a lime. Whenever I'd do something like that with Tina around. Atkins ain't something you can do full-time. That made me pretty bonkers. though. and then sliced off the part that the sauce had touched (I guess Port has carbs! I guess I should be on the lookout for low-carb Sandeman's!). I'm a silly guy! If someone at a party dares me to eat a jalapeño. I'm thinkin' maybe the theme will be carbs and 'toons. so I mixed it up." One time after a date I came into the bedroom with whipped cream on my nipples. Also. pause. I'll eye the little sucker. A few seconds later I'll stand up and laugh with everybody. I don't mind telling you. OK. but the main thing that bugs me is that she just doesn't "get" me.she just looked up from Vogue and went "oh no you di'in't" and kept reading. and then fall to the floor holding my throat as I convulse. You know me. I got to get plans for tomorrow's party together. Man. so she didn't want any of the '97 Cakebread Pinot I had decanted. there are about fifty more instances I could give. though. instead asking me for a vodka and diet tonic.. chew. Fortunately I had some diet tonic around from that time I was testing out my new shotgun. Plus wine apparently has like one carb in it. and I could wait for it to pass. That's just a fad. they keep popping into my head. .75 cloud of mashed potatoes with veal/Port reduction. I didn't even bother mentioning that I had some baked Alaska in the fridge. I'm done whinin'. she took the meat off the potatoes and sliced off the part that had been touching the potatoes. pop it into my mouth. she does not at ALL appreciate Ren & Stimpy. she'd get embarrassed and say that I was "random. because I think the only part of that she could have eaten would have been the flames..
Tina is lookin' good. we hadn't really seen all that many other people and I think we both were havin' our curiosities about what it might be like out in the open market. OCTOBER 28.76 THURSDAY. she notices that the busboy is this guy she dated a little while back —7-ball—and they say "hi" and all that jazz and pretty soon we're in the alley behind the restaurant and he bums a smoke off me (plus two more for later). This Atkins thing shows no signs of abating. A couple nights ago we went out to Naomi Sushi (yeah. You know what I mean. unable to lease a car. Pony tails. and she just seems to be an even bigger jackass every time we go out. she had the miso and salad with dressing on the side) and a flick. Last time we broke up was because despite whatever good times we had had. I played it pretty free and had a decent time. all that crap. and it has been really sensual to revisit all the old feelings we had for each other and kindle them. Let me let you in on a little history. Finally I hit Tina on the shoulder and . problems with credit. I been really tryin' to make this work. etc. I'm talking about guys who crashed at friends' houses even though they had mustaches. 2004 Tryin' to make this work. I do not doubt for an instant that 7-Ball is going to go home and mainline Chinese hot mustard while he gets laid off from his job creating random words for Spam emails. and she sprung for all these dudes who were one shave away from shakin' change cups at you on the sidewalk. though. When we were pullin' on our coats and tyin' our scarves. here. Of course I ain't any part of the conversation and they are swapping all these names like T-Bone and Terry Chrome and I am picturing trucks with Raiders decals and Calvin going to the bathroom onto the Ford logo or whatever.
Yeah I loaned her the fifty and I don't expect it back at prime. I was too steamed to call any dudes over so I just sat and made stinky lines rise from my head while I fumed. Long story short she needs to go with 7-Ball to help this one guy yadda yadda and can she borrow fifty bucks. . That's where I'm at.77 leave and a little while later she comes and finds me in front of the theater. I stuck around through the first ten minutes of this Chilean art movie about a man who was trying to start his car and then I bailed for home.
Since machetes seem kind of South American. 2004 Tonight's party is gonna SUCK! Just kidding! Man. cachaca. rum. I had Dimitri drop off a couple pallets of tequila. this awesome machete performance troupe outta Quito. tonight's party is going to tear six kinds of new ass. and a performance by Machetes de Fuego. OCTOBER 29. a booth where you can buy all sorts of machetes. the theme is Machete Madness. Gonna make us some mad mojitos and caipirinhas! Also this mornin' in the Tasting Lab I worked up a recipe for a new drink called the Piso Mojado. a doner-kebab where you machete your own meat off the wheel. First of all. and all the fixins. which has three kinds of mezcal and icy grape purée. I have all these machete-based activitites: a timed contest where you hack your way through a length of simulated forest.78 FRIDAY. a machete arts teacher. . It gets you donked in a hurry.
. Two dudes staged an underwater machete fight in the pool. In this case.. This guy Supreme. Looking back. I should not have had a party with the theme of tequila and machetes." Before too long their little battle turned into big surface slicks of half-digested doner-kebab and mezcal. this was not the case.have you ever had a lot of liquor and then tried to do strenuous underwater activity? Let's just say that it makes you pretty "seasick. In retrospect. Extremely unfortunately. 2004 I should have seen that coming. The incredibly powerful performance by Machetes de Fuego made good machetemanship look so simple and easy that all the dudes in the crowd were convinced that they too could juggle six machetes or fillet a giant salmon in two lightning-fast strokes. More serious damage was yet to come. First of all. I know that now. inexpensive machetes. NOVEMBER 01. as the night wore on. 1984. Since machetes were for sale at the party. the ingredients are two pallets of tequila. sometimes certain ingredients shouldn't be put together. and a Friday night crowd. Okay. and soon all sorts of challenges and contests sprang up. and he fell to his knees all screaming and crying . That was a lame thing to be skimmin' outta the pool come Saturday morning. Before too long a mis-timed machete had sliced his right thumb off at the base. one of Lyle's buddies from some old kitchen job of his. if given the chance. and that performance was so inspiring. a machete isn't as easy to handle as Michael Douglas makes it look (Romancing The Stone. pretty much everybody shelled out for their own machete. though. decided that he could do the machete juggling thing.79 MONDAY. Zemeckis).
but on the whole. He stepped over the line when he grabbed one of their sacred machetes and hacked up one of their prop saguaro cactuses. When he finally passed out. The doctors say that he'll never speak again. but I ended up calling the cops on my own party. and I say he's damn well never gonna work on my car again. but it involved horizontally slicing every inch of his chest very slowly with machetes. What a bonehead.. I don't usually do this.80 and holding the stump like Luke Skywalker. Bill don't do me no harm. next time I throw a party I am probably gonna run the concept past a few dudes beforehand. Another guy.. so they took him out behind the garage for this ancient form of machete torture. There were some pretty bad wounds. Sothar. some mechanic dude I had invited from earlier in the week when I was pickin' up the Escalade after its 500-mile maintenance. They are a real serious bunch. this big silly dude we always been kinda chummy with. and there was a lot of property damage (all the plants in the yard had been hacked down to the root.well. I didn't watch the rest because I left. and they were not into watching some chubby guy in Lakers shorts and a "Got Blumpkin?" tshirt making fun of their craft. they put a weird green beetle down his throat. I don't want to say too much about it. . and his officers just came and broke it all up and confiscated the machetes. got pretty jerked up on the mezcal and started mocking the guys from Machetes de Fuego. This was just a sign of things to come. Sgt. decided that he could swallow a flaming machete. including my nice Japanese maple).
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 07, 2004
What Did Ray Do!
Heh. Oh, man. This week was definitely not a repeat of last week's disaster. Let me tell you why. Did you hear about how a couple of months ago, Oprah gave a brand new Pontiac to every single person in her TV audience? The whole thing was staged as a surprise, where audience members were told that under their seats was a little box, and that one of the boxes had the keys to a new car in it. They all got their boxes and then, on Oprah's cue, they opened them. Every single box had a new car key in it! The place went nuts. Extremely average women were crying, hugging each other, jumping up and down...Oprah had engineered one of the biggest media coups of the year. I thought, hell, if Oprah can do it, so can Ray. My portfolio has been performing like a stallion this year, and the music royalties have been particularly pleasing. Why not spread the wealth a bit? I'm never gonna use half of it. On that note, I decided to stage an Oprah-type talk show as my party, only instead of seats it would be general admission, so folks could mill around and dance and stuff before I took the stage. I had the local theater union come and build a proper talk show arena, but with a couple excellent fast food options around the perimeter. We got booths from "Hot Baked Potato, A Concern," "Steam Dog" (a franchise of hot dogs which are cooked using only steam, ensuring a better skin snap), "Aussome Lamb" (grilled Australian lamb by the chop or by the rack), and "The Wurst Men" (excellent German-style sausages cooked and served by guys dressed as famous criminals, such as Al Capone, Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein).
Oh, it ain't lost on me that a lot of these shows secretly create crowd enthusiasm by handing out tons of stuff to drink. To get folks most peppy we had a few counters that served Jack and Coke, rum and cola, and vodka with Red Bull. No beer kept them from havin' to go to the bathroom every five minutes and missing any part of the show. Anyhow, it seems like every time you turn on Maury Povich or Jerry Springer or whatever, they're showcasing some run of the mill white trash problem, like morbidly obese parents who are upset that their estranged daughter is marrying a rash model, so I took my cue from them. The guests on my show were this local East Achewood family that was all pissed because the mechanic dad only made thirty bucks a day but spent twenty bucks a day on smokes. I told them I'd pay them fifty bucks each and they were primed. You may be asking yourself how a big audience prize giveaway fits into all this. Hold on. Well, we got the crowd goin’ with some AC/DC and Boston, and before too long they were ravenous for entertainment. We trotted the guests out one by one, announcing who they were, and each one got huge applause and hooting. There was the chubby slut daughter, the fat son who only played video games, the fat mom with the carpal-tunnel wrist things and a foam neck support, and then the dad, who came out smoking and pumping his fists in the air. He looked lean and tough, his shop sleeves rolled up to reveal several tattoos. They took their seats, each one separated by a standing bodyguard. I had everybody raise the roof for a few and then got down to my intro. This was a family torn by an addiction, I said. “A smoking habit of four packs a day is driving a financial stake into this family’s well-being,” I said. The
dad pumped his fists again and the crowd went wild. The slut daughter and the mom folded their arms and glared at him, while the son just sat and looked at his own shoes. I asked the crowd how they thought the family should deal with its problem. One by one I walked along the front of the stage and took opinions. At first I got the usual stuff, like “he should quit smoking and care about his family!” Real obvious. One guy said that the dad only smoked as a way of dealing with the stress of being a parent, and this got a pretty good round of applause. The mom even started to clap for a second, before she folded her arms again and renewed her glare. We did a few more audience Q&A and then I knew it was time to let the bomb drop. I was juiced. I had been waiting for this moment all night. We had all the people in the smoking guy’s family stand up, and we asked the audience to be silent while I made a “very special announcement.” Folks hushed real quick and the spotlights danced around the stage, one fixed on me. I took a pause, and then, in a clear voice, I asked it: “Ladies and Gentlemen, you have a choice tonight. What would you prefer: that this family is sent on a two week intensive family bonding and therapy session, or that one of you gets a grass-fed, sixteen-ounce Omaha steak?” I pointed the microphone at the family, and the crowd went silent. Then I pointed it at the crowd, and they went wild. Back at the family; silent. Back at the crowd; whooping and deafening applause. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” I continued, “Your choice is clear. Each of you received an invisible stamp on the back of your hand when you arrived tonight. ONE of you received a stamp entitling you to the free steak. Variegos, hit the lights.” (Variegos was the union kid who was running the lights.) At this point all the lights cut and
a blacklight went on. I asked everyone to look at the invisible stamp they had received on the back of their hand. Just like on Oprah, the crowd went crazy: they ALL had the winning stamp! The bodyguards escorted the family offstage while a new crew put charcoal Weber grills where they had once sat, and the crowd went to claim their steaks. Soon folks were grillin’ and swillin’ and just all kinds of pumped to have won. It was a great night, and the beautiful scent of charred beef filled the air.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2004
I guess kind of by my own intentions and also Tina's intentions, I ain't seen her in like two weeks. I think we sent this one back to the kitchen, folks. No dice, no go. It ain't surprise me, really. I knew when we were havin' all the fall-back-into-it rush that that was the only thing we were really enjoying about it. That rush. The rush. You do what you can when you feel that rush. It's a free drug, and it's made of sex. It's made of loins slowly sliding over each other, and maybe shit is unprotected. Sorry. My shit was unprotected. Yeah, it was. I am ten kinds of anxious while my double-blind HIV test comes back tomorrow. I played it all clay dick and now I'm payin' the price with worry. Man, NEVER let yourself slip like that. It ain't worth it. I'm tellin' you this here now.
the Hi-Five. I always think that the same day I get any sort of test done. so I just had a burger bar and a sushi guy and a Belgian french fry stand. Man. Big counter with about twelve of our brews on tap and six gals pullin'. I had big bowls of contraceptives and lubes and plugs and stuff. A spoonful of sugar. you know. actually) with the results of the test and they were all negative. I ain't got gonorrhea. folks dug that alright. I know. NOVEMBER 13. and I hired the Trojan Girls. Anyhow. I ain't got syphilis. I'd slam the receiver back down all quick. a real pleasant time.86 SATURDAY. They went around and passed out Jäger shots and pamphlets about STDs that are asymptomatic. tonight's party had the theme of Sexual Health Awareness. 2004 Good news! I ain't got junk funk. Phew. I couldn't really think up a food and beverage theme that went along with the safe sex concept. Man was I sweating as I waited for the STD test results. Ray suffer from the big grand-daddy. Got some local Neil Diamond cover band called Neil Before Us. No major incidents. and nor does Mr. I've always said that. which is damn stupid if you think about it. I'm . I watch too much ER. is what it is. In celebration of of my sparkly-clean blood and urine. I ain't got the 'chlam. I was doin' that thing where you keep pickin' up the phone to make sure the dialtone is workin'. I always get so worked up over medical tests. a crew of models in these awesome clear bodysuits. Just a normal straightforward party. Real creative. but then get paranoid that I'd slammed it down TOO hard and check again. they're gonna realize I only have fifteen minutes to live and ask if I've made any arrangements. Doc Andretti finally called (on my cell.
87 gonna watch some ESPN and hit the hay. Got a big day tomorrow: I'm cookin' my practice turkeys for Thanksgiving! .
and I'll flag him down. He has to walk past McDonald's to get there. I hate to see McDonald's food go to waste. but that don't keep me down.88 WEDNESDAY. But what if Téodor wins a huge prize that could have been mine if we'd bought our food in a different order? Here's what I'll do. food for two already bought and all the game pieces removed. Last time they ran this contest I just won a Big Mac and some small computer speakers at Best Buy. I'll call Téodor now and ask him to meet me in an hour at Battori Uomo. I guess I should smoke a little now just to make the situation more believable. . 2004 What's Wednesday for? What does a dude do on a Wednesday? They're doin' that Monopoly thing down at McDonald's. maybe I'll go try my luck. NOVEMBER 17. Maybe I'll get Téodor to go with me and we can hit the driving range later. I'll give him a story about how I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was (maybe act kind of high) and can he help me out. to help me choose fabrics for new suits.
the little bastards had boosted it. cookies! I went to McDonald's like I said and ordered food enough for me and Téodor (two Big Mac meals. I had smoked to make it seem believable that I would order that much food) so I immediately got all paranoid that I was gonna lose the game pieces and the million dollar prize. Real carefully I tucked them into my wallet and consumed the food at a normal speed. so real carefully I started to eat that stuff too. and lord knows I had the ammo. they had smeared mustard all over my glasses and I couldn't see too well. Next thing I knew I guess a couple hours had passed because I was completely dehydrated and there was this big puddle of drool on the table. but luckily I held it down. and the second one had Boardwalk! I was a little high (like I said.89 FRIDAY. and if I was so high that I was gonna leave them on the table when I left. Téodor never showed up to eat his half. . super-sized. NOVEMBER 19. I sat and caught my breath. The first Big Mac had the Monopoly Park Place playing piece. By the time I had polished it off I was feelin' pretty sick and had to put my head down on the table for a second. Like a flash I checked for my wallet: you guessed it. I wondered if they could take the prize back if you were high when you won it. These had dried pretty well so I couldn't pull 'em off without a lotta pain and maybe some hair loss. My coat felt pretty funny — apparently teenagers had wiped ketchup on the wax paper burger wrappers and stuck them all over my back and shoulders. 2004 I forgot to tell you about what happened at McDonald's! Damn. Plus. The winning game pieces were gone! I felt like I was gonna puke. and I applied myself. There is a right way to get smoothly out of any situation if you think hard enough. all that stuff. each with apple pies).
The men's room was out of order so I knocked on the ladies' room. "Those morons. they didn't buy my story about getting the winning game pieces stolen offa' me by some kids. By this time I had managed to remove all the wrappers and pat my hair down.90 I decided that the first thing I needed to do was go to the bathroom and get cleaned up. Looks like they thought you were the driver. burger wrappers still all stuck to my body. I soaped and scrubbed the sink and made a little warm bath in it. He unlocked the cell door and I strode out. Pretty soon I was downtown gettin' booked. . the same thing he does when he misses one of those two-foot putts of his. Bill took one look at me and gnashed his teeth. "I told those clowns." he growled. I guess the manager had finally gotten around to calling the police about the passed out. and the wino had let me wipe my glasses off on his shirt. Needless to say. trash-covered bum in his restaurant. "to call you about the wallet we recovered off some skater punk who got hit by a truck." He made his old "aaargh!" sound and raised his fists in the air. and had just started to clean my glasses off when a lady barged in with some kid. She started screamin' and I bolted. which was empty. because when I ran out I got intercepted by two badges who wrestled me to the floor." he said. and they certainly didn't believe that I played golf with Sergeant Callahan. so I looked more like a nice guy who'd maybe had too many the night before than an insane high maniac who wore garbage and attacked women in the bathroom at McDonald's. After about two hours Bill (Sgt. Callahan) walked past the holding tank. and a wino with real bad snot runnin' outta his nose was completely staring at me.
. You're buyin' on Sunday though!" (we were playin' in a foursome with Mayor C and Leo who owns the Caddy dealership.91 "Oh." I said. game pieces intact! Bill even had an officer drive me back to the pad.) Before you could say Rusty Nail I had the wallet back. "no trouble. and those guys like to get pretty lit up after a round. Bill. and I found five bucks tucked between the seat cushions in the cruiser.
and someone said they thought that Todd might be dead. Maybe we read too much news. 2004 Thanksgiving blessing. Cool. cross-contaminated chicken-prep surfaces. and A-nu$$$ from the Sexual Homeboys. Amen. Cornelius was in the hospital because of Pat. secondhand smoke. but I was moved this year. and we woke anew each day. we had a pretty mellow little scene at my place this year.5 drinks per week. the sweet cream rose. salmonella." That was the toast I said at Thanksgiving. NOVEMBER 27. I doubt French people walk around thinkin' that their chicken coop has two pounds of grey lightning hooked to a trip on the cage door latch. Lyle is in Scotland doin' some research. Anyhow. So on that note. Téodor. Roast Beef. and torqued-up gangster kids with puberty lip. you know? I'm glad we have these holidays. man. my friends healthy (except in a couple instances) and the reaper at bay. limp-leg syndrome. Many types do not think how lucky they have it just to open their eyes and take in the air. I got nothing but thanks this year. let us enjoy this feast of your bounty. I don't usually trot out all the religion because I know lots of guests would get uncomfortable. The good Lord has kept my spirits up. Lord. mad cow. Thank you Lord. the gift of each new day. We live in constant fear of every building exploding and every bridge being hit by a 747 the moment we are going across it. Philippe.92 SATURDAY. Speakin' of other people. "I tell you. The sun shone. Helps us think of other people. or that some dipshit from Fremont is gonna come over and ice 'em because he listened to too many Eminem mp3s. I meant it. Thanks. more than 2. that band that . It was just me. Plus. It has been a pretty hard couple years to be an American. You see how it is. coli. Pat is on the lam. for this greatest gift. E. earthquakes.
deep-fried turducken. Glad to have him back in my corner. a taffy-pulling station. We had a brined. ice creams. Delicate enough to go with any dish. a regular roasted Willy bird turkey. green goddess salad.93 used to be on my label. To drink we enjoyed a couple cases of '97 Mayacamas Pinot. a Smithfield ham. sweet mince pie. whipped potatoes. bacons. pumpkin pie. That's cool. candies and fruits. puddings. prime rib. oyster/sausage dressing. a Cornish game hen bar. because I always thought he was the real talent. We finished with this port that turned out to be pretty hinge so we set the extra bottles up on the lawn and had a little firing range while we smoked. Apparently he had a falling out with the S. savory mince pie. sweet potatoes.H. . two chopped up pineapples and a chocolate fondue with various dip-ready cookies. brown and white gravies.
you know. each wrapped around a sausage.. So I decided to attempt to get those chumptylicious thighs into my bedroom. We met around the corner at Tabla Hawaiiana.. today I was down at Victrolo's for brunch. you don't want to seem like a rapist) but then when she got a look at me she stopped and smiled. havin' my special Metallica Cakes (two pancakes. getup and was sporting a sick Movado chunky silver bracelet. I held out my hand and intercepted hers. She was walkin' past. So today I'm sittin' there munchin' on my tasty little Metallica Cakes.. I'd done myself up with a slick a.. but. I can't tell you how long I been watchin' her fine rumpus walk past my table.Zochelle got that action goin' on. It was one of those moments where you kind of step off the bungee platform.. and she keeps walkin' by and fillin' peoples' water glasses and coffee and stuff. Girl is to sexy what crime is to jail: the reason.. and the chef draws a little ketchup electric guitar on each wrap using a squirt bottle). I've just got the one life and I sure as hell want to go for broke. 2004 I don't usually do this. and I'm havin' my bloody. and I decide to step up to the plate. She wasn't really ready for it. and I finally did it. kind of jerking it away real fast (I let go. Turned out she was off for a half hour pretty quick. so I wolfed down the Cakes and closed the tab. fellows. Damn. I asked Zochelle the waitress out.94 SATURDAY. Well. I put it on the trowel and spread it heavy. I mad want to bump when I see her. DECEMBER 04.they make them wear these tight black pants at Victrolo's. this fun . and these white blouses that you can usually see the bra through. you know? You think to yourself. and I was looking pretty good.m. you all know I wear my heart on my sleeve.
and I had a 7&7. I got to tell you. Right in the middle of some pretty givin' slippy. Soon she was all tucked in and she had left by about 7am this morning. Once she started retchin' I voided the Lady Privacy rule and unlocked the door with the skeleton key. button by button. occasionally wiping various things off. and maybe gonna go pick out a Christmas tree. I think I'm meeting Téodor for golf this afternoon. She did a sexy little walk as she slid outta her black pants. I pumped up the little aerobed mattress and set it right by the front door. and before too long her tight blouse and mad thighs got me cookin' up a banana sunrise of my own. She was buck nude in the tub and blowin' chunks. That is such a damn ugly mug. I figured we didn't want to see nothin' of each other after this. Before you could say Dry Rubbah she had run off to the bathroom and locked herself in there. . she bottomed out and changed her tune from ooh ahh and started railin' about how rich guys like me keep her class down. but sometimes you run into a liquor nut. We got poverty-style pretty quick and before long she decided to quit her job and come screw at my place. and then in front of my bed she undid her blouse. so I put some Odwalla C-Monster and aspirin by the side of the bed. totally staring into my eyes as my banana sunrise rose once again. I got her a Banana Sunrise. in my pants. I was lovin' this woman like a derrick and all of a sudden she starts showin' teeth. I hope the Christmas tree lot doesn't try to force that damn free coffee mug with their name on it on me again this year. so I did the right thing and sat it out. this came outta nowhere.95 Hawaiian-Mexican joint that specializes in eye-openers. I was all ears for that and ten minutes later we rolled into the crib. Damn.
Doggies get up around 11. and we're gonna make little jump-ramps outta floating styrofoam wedges. crack some brew. except I don't know which of either of them to compare us to. but I been deliciously in love with the Hot and Sour Noodle they do down at Seven Flavor Kitchen). and decide what to eat for dinner. straight back into the days when we skated curbs and tried to learn Axel F on the piano. Then we dude out for a couple hours. DECEMBER 13. it was scrumptious along with his mushroom bread pudding.. Tonight we roasted this big bunch of partridges that we saw Emeril make. shuffle through the delivery menus (he's been gettin' the Oprah lately. and pick a flick for the afternoon (today we watched the whole Fawlty Towers DVD set. It is mad simple. you know. so funny).tomorrow we decided to buy remote-control boats at 75 Hobbies. 2004 Roast Beef. checkin' email or readin' or swimmin'. It's kind of like the Odd Couple. It's kinda fun havin' Beef as a housemate! It's like old knucklehead times. Housemate. We play some pool. Anyhow. .96 MONDAY. I opened some Cakebread and the flavors sailed on up.. which is this mad meatball calzone from Pizza Ciao.
since that is what Pat always wears. I don't go so far as to make it black tie. Jingle Bells. "It don't do anyone no good in the bottle. Food-wise. Maybe when he sees the rude orange Hermès I'm gonna full-Windsor-up tomorrow he'll change his mind. but as the old man used to say. Even still. and that nasty rock-hard spumoni like you get for dessert at bad Italian joints. 2004 Holiday-Themed Party! Damn. DECEMBER 16. I know everybody hates it. and I only invite about twenty of my closest crew. Anyhow. wherever you might be. He refuses to wear a necktie (which if you ask me is kind of childish since a man looks damn good in a tie) because he says ties are symbols of oppression. Ramses Luther Smuckles. Red . it's gonna be a real class act! Now.97 THURSDAY. roasted goose. the holidays really snuck up on me this year! I been pretty busy (readin' a lot of the magazines that have been pilin' up around my place — this is something I do at the end of every year) so I didn't even start plannin' my big holiday party until yesterday. cream-corn casserole. but it's my tradition. but I do ask that the men wear coat and necktie. Sure. I got all the holiday classics. Also acceptable is a sport coat with a nice turtleneck. my holiday party isn't a big blowout like what I usually do in the yard on Fridays." Word up. before dinner there's this nice string quartet gonna play the classics (Greensleeves. it's a pretty pricey glug. It's a classy indoor event. stuffing. Big old pepper-crusted prime rib. green bean casserole. For whettin' the whistle I'm gonna spring a few cases of 1972 Chateau Mouton Rothschild I won at auction last August. like how some folks always gotta serve fruitcake. because when I tie that one on I look nothing like oppression. figgy-dowdy. Peace. Yorkshire pudding.
if I don't see you—happy holidays. Alright. somethin' nice tailored to each person's interests.. along with an imported Turbot. all.98 Toad Holler) while everybody dips into the eggnog and Hot Toddies and chats about the year. Damn. kitchen remodels.. After dinner we're gonna just stay and mingle for a spell. Ski-doos. This year I'm pretty excited to give Téodor this big copper Turbot poaching pan I found at WilliamsSonoma. In the past it's been Segways. I was lookin' at it earlier. Nice. and then I'll hand out my gifts to everyone in front of the tree. -=Ray=- . you know. that's an ugly fish.
DECEMBER 29.99 WEDNESDAY. Lemoni himself was at the dinner. I was like. I had the works lined up for her: fancy lunches at Spiedo (even one time at the chef's table in the kitchen so she could meet Vonrieght Auf Den Krightenmueller. opening gifts and stuff. Ray had to do somethin' for his momma. I met her at the NSTL line just outta town and got us a limo to the hotel. so I had to cut it short. Vincent J. I bet that guy plays golf courses that even the CIA doesn't know about. and dammit. that swank new J. and the black-tie Christmas dinner at the Algiers followed by the signature Bellini brunch at Bel Forno. Oh. She is so humble about presents . but then on Bravo I saw this show about moms. massages. She was so thrilled. her favorite celebrity chef and the owner of Spiedo). Too bad. and I was just plannin' on havin' the regular old time. but I wish she had picked out more stuff. and we traded some market banter before I noticed mom gettin' bored talking to his wife. and I know I should call more often. this woman carried me around in her belly and gave me love when all I could give in return was a load in my pants. an after-hours tour of the Frank Sinatra museum. on Mauritius. you know. fuckin' around with the boys and getting dumb on brandy and champagne. I had booked us into separate suites at Napoli. what have you done for your mom lately. Lemoni hotel-casino down in the Vegas underground. Next thing I knew. 2004 Christmas! Damn! I did the most unusual thing for Christmas. Like. I ain't see her much. but I felt pretty damn good about it! It was a couple days before the 24th. and her Christmas present? You guessed it: shopping spree in the Napoli Premier Shopping Concourse. It'd be nice to get in with a whale like that. Ray.
I talked her into an Amaretto Whangee and she told me a bunch of stories about dad that I had never heard before. do somethin' nice for her. or even if she's dead. Guys. Half an hour later she showed up with this little two-pack of short socks they had on clearance at Foot Time. from a new scarf at Prada to a new pair of sandals at L'Imaggio. Especially if that person is a mom who is used to commenting on expensiveness. I don't even know what kind of hat. Fortunately. I guess that isn't too much of a revelation. She would always be like "Oh but Raymond. I gave her my credit card and told her to pick something out for me from one of the shops while I had a Whangee Breeze at the Whangee Blenderdrinks. I got her this one freestanding green marble globe with gilded latitude and longitude lines that is gonna look mad-dope in her little parlor where she likes to sit. It's cool what your parents will tell you when you get older and they think you can handle the information. Esq. She also said that he had a hat. It turns out that dad was a pretty slick dude and a real ladykiller. I had to kind of force her into getting every little thing. I could tell that mom was touched that we spent this special holiday together. Anyhow. but it's hard to change people's ways. it's so expensive." I told her that anytime she mentioned the price of anything. cart. if you have a mom who is alive. she had to choose something additional from the same store that cost more than or equal to the thing she was looking at. She was so cute about it. She thinks it might have been brown. and that he had a motorcycle.100 for herself. and I feel pretty great that it all came together. Ain't no . saying how she always thought I could use more warm socks. I made mental notes of stuff she acted silently interested in and went back later to have it shipped to her house. Looking back. For her present to me. Huh.
Mom lived to make you. Alright.101 other person in the world who done for you like mom has done. . and buys you socks so your feet can be warm even if you have sold thirty million albums. and wiped a million different things off you. and acted like it was a big deal when you fell on your knee. chochachos. time to plan my New Year's party! Out.
JANUARY 06. 2005 What is it with eggs? Man. Did you know that some native cultures use egg whites as a base for face paints? I have been doing massive research on Google.. Maybe I'll hire a teacher to require me to do stuff. scrambled eggs. you graduate and people stop askin' you questions. but it is also the vessel of life.. fried eggs. in meatloaves. from whip up a tasty soufflé to incubate a chicken that will be perfect for roasting. You can do anything with an egg.. because that would mad motivate me to put together a binder on egg information. .102 THURSDAY. School's funny that way: just about the time you start to get interested in stuff. Not only is the egg the most versatile food in the world.damn! This helped me to realize what a talented little fellow the egg is. Eggs are used in all kinds of baking.it kind of makes you wish that as adults we had to do reports on stuff. have you ever really thought about eggs? I have this hunch that eggs are like the explanation of the universe. My interest in eggs started earlier today when I was makin' some hashbrowns.. I wanted to think of what style of egg to have with them: Eggs Benedict (which also has a sauce made out of egg). in pasta.
2005 Time to Pah-Tay with Ruh-Ay! Man. Well. he thinks it was brought on by the food poisoning I had earlier (the Asian thing I was talkin' about). JANUARY 14. Italian food ain't no good to party on. Indian food is always all like really wet stews. Damn. pappy! I am thrilled to sink my fingers into the Yellow Pages and start workin' my magic in '05. Duh. planning the food without Asian options is harder than I thought it would be. I'll do this part later. no.103 FRIDAY. so I guess Indian. and parties need finger food. Are there other kinds of food besides Asian and Tex/Mex? Oh. so this should be good. Ok. I have to take some medicine that Doc Andretti gave me to help me sleep. No wonder people at Indian-culture parties are always sittin' around with some paper plate that is slowly bending in half in the middle. Oooh. That's cool — wait. I'm pretty down on Asian lately (ate somethin' that disagreed with me earlier in the week) so I'm thinkin' either Tex Mex or Mex. After planning the food comes music. Now. it's been a while since I had a really big do on a Friday night. The meds plus this tasty double Ketel Kat should have me snoozin' like a baby. Hold on. I was havin' kind of bad dreams lately. Italian and Indian. it's kind of cold out so . I think folks are all back from New Years' stuff and ready to drain the brain. The first thing I need to arrange is the food. wondering why nobody is dancing. popped two down and I have about an hour to plan this party before I fall into some restful-ass sleep.
and I actually had to have my 'tomach pumped. as far as I was concerned. Damn. We got to be honest with ourselves and interpret these "tea leaves" a little smarter. Ray Smuckles Achewood Estates January 24. Perfect as day. man. and even a simple soup contained problems. 2005 . A hamburger was not at all appealing to me. I went through a spell there. liver. Have you ever taken a perfectly cylindrical pink poo? I did that. 'cause they're the only "e-mail" that we get from our internal organs. each time. so for about a week there all I got was antacid and calcium. Twice. Put some stock in that poppycock (true definition . hormones) were all outta whack and I was having mad trouble sleeping and even lost a little weight because I had this weird phobia about food. If there's one thing that resembles a phone call from the person who is in charge of the day that you die. About three inches. You know what I mean. Then I decided it was time for a change. I couldn't even eat clear stuff (Nutritionists classify this level of phobia as type 1-A) so I was in a pretty bad way. I was pretty bent outta shape from some Korean food poisoning from this damn Korean place we ate at. and stomach are doing to contribute to the nature of your taddle. Do you follow me? This may be the most important letter you ever read.look it up). it is the nature of your bad stuff. chemistry. septulum. kidneys. The only thing I would take in was Tums chewables. After that my internal systems (digestion. That's why I'm thinkin' about starting a brochure about diagnosing your own tank 'kank and learning more about what your pancreas.104 My health was bad but now I'm ok! Please Read This.
So. you can put that five bucks away.. It's got some pretty nice features the base model doesn't have. . and ended up wreckin' the Escalade. Man. what's new? Had a pretty big wingding lately. and just acting like a wimp for attention. like heated exterior door handles for those icy days. I remember thinking that I liked the drums. That's one thing that kind of blows about drivin' .if you wreck your ride. FEBRUARY 18. it is raining pretty hard. and they don't have enough money to make another one.what the fuck. anyhow. and plus it's 1/2" lower than the standard edition. I was probably exaggeratin'. or even your CDs. Well. Shame on Ray. 2005 Man. and the humans tow it away and you can't get it back. last time I blogged I said I was gonna write a brochure about analyzing poop! I. I was miffed 'cause I left my new Sugar Loadzz demo in the car. so I'm inside checkin' out the new Escalade ESV Platinum Edition. if you were waiting around with five bucks in your hand waiting to buy my upcoming brochure Understanding Poop.. I was probably eatin' steaks and delicious fries that whole time. 'cause it ain't happenin. so I just have to sign them and hope for the best. Also.105 FRIDAY. what was I talkin' about?! I ain't been around this blog in a long time. you just gotta leave it and bail. and just now I remembered about it. in other news. so it presents a smaller aerodynamic profile. man? I remember I was in a pretty bad way after some food poisoning. needless to say. and probably gets better gas mileage as a result. but I barely even remember goin' through the eating disorder stuff.
I'm really into this chick. Instantly I was transported back to a time of simple things. 2005 I got some art supplies! You know how you kind of have a fond memory from childhood. I was signin' the receipt for the sound system on the new Platinum Edition Escalade and I saw it there. but I had the basic language and mindset so that we made art-concept sense to each other. I was totally unprepared for that.bread! Man. I got her number and we're gonna make bread together on Sunday. I was debating between this one oil paint set and this other oil paint set. when I could spend all day just scribblin' and figurin' out how to draw a porch or a belly. since I really couldn't wait to get back into the art game. we were completely connecting. She had this fun scarf tied around her neck and she was completely like that fun chick in Fisher King. and just like outta the blue an employee came up and we hit it off real well. ... kinda kooky but really intuitive. Her name's Scarlet. I immediately went home and ordered a ton of art products on-line. like about a wheel-eraser or a little stump you used to blend up pencil lines? Like that you probably found in the desk of a teacher or old school principal? I had that feeling the other day when I came across this Pink Pearl eraser on the checkout counter at Heigenmann's Car Audio. I also went to Purple Gypsy Art Supplies and picked up a few paints and sketchbooks and stuff. but we both wanted the chasm to be smaller! Anyhow. that is killer.107 FRIDAY. I didn't know anything about art supplies. FEBRUARY 25. you know? It was like. and it was like there was this chasm between us. I know.
just a little watercolor of an orange sitting on a plate. Yeah. 2005 My date with Scarlet. Totally Probst. so naturally I called her the day before to confirm and ask if there was anything I could bring. MARCH 01. the shirt was kind of long. That's right -. it was on Sunday. now I will. good! Anyhow. Okay. I knew what else was on. but I figured it would seem "cute" and like she had a lot to teach me. blog? Okay. You got to do that. always be exactly seven minutes late. Trust me. Also. all with this leather necklace that had some kind of little artifact hangin' down in front. Some women like that. So. I got there wearin' some pretty fly new Uomo dungarees and this hot cargo shirt like Jeff Probst from Survivor wears. I had forgotten to paint the background first. Her hair was completely wet and there were wetness spots all on her shirt. you know. fellows. I figured she'd have an apron or something I could use to protect the duds. She said everything was on and that she even had some "sourdough starter" ready for our bread-making activity! Well. and she didn't have any pants on.108 TUESDAY.I used some of the art supplies I bought at her store and made her a little painting! It wasn't too much to look at. man. Since I knew that she didn't mean to fire up a joint and call in some Waiters On . so when I did it kind of "bled" into the orange pretty bad. but not so long that a pair of pants would have been obscured. She answered the door and was still kind of scattered. I don't think I told you about my date with Scarlet from Purple Gypsy Art Supplies! Well. if you ever want to get anywhere on a woman-hosted date. She worked in an earring while walking back towards her room and said to make myself at home.
which she used for "painting dry pigments onto fondant. Man. Here was a woman who knew how to throw down and have a good time! I did the same and pretty soon we were laughin' about how funny it was that we were makin' bread together. totally interested. but I poured us out two glasses anyway and by the time she had finally finished gettin' dressed I had drained mine. wine!" in this excited voice and sucked down her glass." She really liked that and we drained our glasses yet again. When I gave her the painting. it was definitely the right move. It turned out that she worked at the art store part time and also had a job doing some bookkeeping for her uncle's apartment complex. so I quickly filled it back up again. I filled our glasses and offered a solemn toast "to your mom. I think she may have been touched." which is some kind of way of coloring a hard type of cake frosting. she had this great sense of humor. I could picture us sneakin' up into some uninhabited apartment and just goin' real quick and hasty in the middle of some plain brown carpet in a big empty room.109 Wheels. I don't know why. she totally cracked up. My nerves weren't bad. Before long the Cakebread was gone and all she had in the house was Everclear. but that got me kind of hot. and that got me goin' too. I think maybe like that marzipan stuff. it was like. everything that I did totally cracked her up and kind of broke the ice between our two completely different worlds. Apparently the high alcohol content in Everclear helps it spread quick and evaporate fast or . That got me kind of pointy. She said "Ooh. Since I was so happy. I set my bottle of '02 Cakebread on the counter and opened it for us. I usually laughed at what she said and tried even harder to be comical. I was thinking about that idea when all of a sudden I tuned back in just in time to hear her say that her mom had died last year in a car accident. you know.
we mixed it all up with some sugar and ice and made a pretty passable punch. I didn't want to ruin my new Probst shirt with flour so I took it and put it on. It was kind of crazy. I laughed) and getting ready to make bread. I think that is definitely one quality you look for in a lover. she wasn't going to hold out much longer either. I'm only too happy to oblige. pretty soon she starts walkin' backwards and motioning with her finger for me to follow her to the couch. so we just stood there makin' out for a little while. and my mind is racing about what she has in store for me in my kinky . She even had this fun ice cube tray where all the cubes looked like little Jesuses. so I just let them stick out that way. I really liked the way she was taking care of me.110 something? Anyhow. Troopin' on. so she loaned me this old women's denim jacket that was about three sizes too small. and we both laughed. that stuff had me pretty looped pretty fast. At a breaking point in the bread prep. but all she had was little Strawberry Kool-Aid packets. We crack up every time I do this. Pretty soon she's got the dough mixed up into a lump on the counter and every once in a while I kind of swing a stiff arm over and move my whole upper body so that I can bring my hand down and slap it. so pretty soon we were drinkin' Strawberry Stigmata (her idea. I couldn't put my arms around her and carry her to the couch. It turned out she didn't have any aprons. I got to tell you. She put one of those silly-straws into my drink so I could take hits. we didn't want to drink that stuff straight so we looked for a mixer. I approached her as smoothly as I could and leaned in for a kiss. like that S&M stuff you hear about. and judgin' by how skinny she was. She totally came back with some mad passion. It was so tight that my arms stuck out to the sides and I had a hard time bringin' 'em down. and I take a big sip of SS. You know? Anyhow.
more than likely never to see old Scarlet again. and there she was. I'm kind of losing my pointiness. She pushes me backwards onto the couch. if you know what I mean. and even pulled a towel down over her exposed legs. it opened. She's probably alright. Like a coked-up turtle I finally worked myself off of the couch and onto my knees. Surprisingly. At that point I wasn't feelin' too sexxed up anymore. completely passed out on the floor in front of the toilet. . so I managed to lob a plastic bowl and a bottle of water from the kitchen at her.111 condition. Dead to the world.. and I can't get to my drink.. taking in the fun ironic modern advertising posters and wine bottle-candlesticks. so I can't get up and do anything while she walks kind of sexily back to the bathroom. and tipped him a twenty before we even got started. so I voice-dialed 321-CABS on my two-way and yelled for a pickup out front. I thought I'd look pretty dumb walkin' back to my place like that. but I didn't want her to be in a bad way.bored. and had a hell of a time getting to my feet what with all that Everclear in my gut. and it's kind of deep. When I finally did I went over and swung my hand at the bathroom door to knock. I had the driver undo the jacket. I'm kind of looking around. Pretty soon I was on my way home. working her pants down a little to show me some thong! Then the door closes and she's in there for a while. as they say.
kind of dangling like the thing a butterfly comes out of. Lately though I have been doing pretty well in the garden. I'm kind of like Monet. It was never the kind of thing you would want to put into a bloody mary. herbs that get on real well with a naked chicken. all with mad weeds taking over everywhere and if I was lucky. they definitely had some awesome situation worked out. at all. I ain't got to feel bad that she is doing all kinds of crappy yard work. you know. as was Einstein. . I think I'm gonna plant a lot of thyme and rosemary. you know. but then a couple weeks after I did the planting my little backyard planterbox would look like Night of the Triffids. I hate pulling weeds. Gonna do a French thing. is to hire a dude to take up all the weeds. Every spring I would get pretty serious about growing my own celery and green beans for bloody marys. Anyhow. Ray is gonna bring the sex act. which is basically fantastic. 2005 I am a good gardener! A lot of people think they know that I am a pretty bad gardener. Well. and I am free with my blank canvas. a single small green bean hanging off a dead brown vine. Crossin' the line between fragrant garden greens and hot thighs rollin' in thick crunchy duvets under afternoon springtime sun. I hired a local botanist to weed all my gardenand flower-beds. Usually she's done before I even get up and put on my slippers to walk outside. they would have been right. Ray gonna start an herb colony called the Succulent Tongue. Lots of herbs. Ray is gonna get it on with his gardener. in the past. The main thing. I think. all with tarragon and lavender. just wanting to have everything ready for me so I can concentrate on my vision. MARCH 24.112 THURSDAY. For as mean as Einstein was to his wife. Picasso was also much the same way.
SUNDAY, APRIL 03, 2005
No luck with the gardener lady.
So I was pretty sure I could move the beans with my gardener, who is this cute young chick that comes and handles the basic maintenance of my bloody mary vegetable beds. She's kind of intriguin', in a not-Ray's-typical-date type of way. Sorta mousy and skinny, like vegan-lookin', but with real worn-out overalls and real plain hair and Ben Franklin glasses. I don't know why that turned my motor, but I guess I'm just a sucker for the female in almost any form. She has this special quality of a real nice ass, I should mention. Despite her mad-skinny and no boobies frame, she got some phonky hippo buns jumpin' in the back of those overalls. It is crazy that a chick who is so skinny could have such a luscious-seeming ass. I guess that's one of the main deals in life, though: there is often a good surprise. Anyhow, I managed to get up before she left one day, and I sauntered out with a nice little pitcher of mimosas and a few Atlas flutes on a wooden tray. I was all about quenching her thirst as she finished her shift, and I was decked out in a pretty fly Brooks Brothers spring tennis sweater and slacks. I was an ad, basically, for the high life. Right there by the vegetable beds. If you showed a person me, they would want the high life. So I set it all down on the teak picnic table I had installed by the garden and sat down to light a Nat. Soon she sees me there and I wave and say "Come have a tipple with old Ray!" She stands real quiet for a few seconds, then points at a little jar of sun-tea she's got brewin' on the birdbath. Now, I felt like she might be just feelin' shy, and not want to interact with the master of the house. I assured her it
was okay to join me, wasn't no photographer watchin' in the bushes. She came over to the table real business-like and asked me what I wanted. I am not usually accustomed to someone doing that. There was a tray of cocktails, and I was decked out, and it was a lovely springtime day, and there was a seat for her. It was like watchin' two Hydrogen molecules not bond with an Oxygen molecule. Rules just wasn't bein' followed, you know? I could tell this was gonna be tricky, so I asked in a real polite voice that she have a seat. Any decent person has a seat when offered, right? Not this dame. She said "No thank you, I think I'll stand," and crossed her arms. What did I ever do to her? Would I act that way down at the dump co-op she lives in with a bunch of gutty old hippies and 19 year-old dudes who throw nails on the highway? You bet your ass not! Ray Smuckles is the cream. He has decency. Since she was standin' there and it seemed like we were about to have a conversation of official sorts, I collected the situation and said that we had no choice but to let her go. She did kind of a vegan snuffle-type thing and turned and walked out. She banged the gate real hard and yelled "capitalist pig!" at me. In my mind, as I sat there with my mimosa in my fresh-pressed sweater, I thought: if I am a pig, they why did you come and do what a pig wants. Why did you do work for me. What does that make you. If you are so principled, then why did you take bucks from a pig in order to make him happier and I suppose more pig-like. Also, I am sad I never got to press my junk between your goddess ass cheeks. As it was, I went inside and fried up an awesome piece of leftover Easter ham and did a pretty fine Eggs
Benedict with a ton of french fries on the side. My drink? You guessed it! A fine bloody mary. Life is good on my terms...that's the only way to live.
SATURDAY, APRIL 09, 2005
I am horny.
Man, lately with my crud luck and the rainy weather, I am basically a member of the Klondike Club! I said that phrase earlier to Beef and he didn't have any idea what the Klondike Club was. Basically, the Klondike is like this area of Alaska or somethin' and it was mainly an area without women, mainly bein' explored by extremely grizzled dudes who had no outlet for sex for months or years at a time. That is what I meant by that. Beef said he understood and said something about Jack London and a mink pelt, but I didn't catch most of it 'cause he was mumblin'. You know how he is, all intellectual. So what's a fellow to do? I'm probably one of the few guys who doesn't j/o, and I ain't that into the idea of a plain old alley b/j from a chick who just ate barf on video tape for heroin, so I'm thinkin' maybe a high-class escort is the name of the game. I met this player at Seven Pines who rolled cognac large, usually with a posse and always travellin' to St. Moritz or Bath. You know the type. I hit him up for the lowdown on how to get in touch with a classy escort and cool as day he flicked out a business card and wrote a private phone number on the back with a delicious Mont Blanc fountain pen (yes, diamond on the nib, tha Qínky). Dude gave me a wink and said to use his name when I called. Twenty-four hour service, anywhere, anything. Then he and his dudes smoothed off and got into this sick Bentley, his man at the wheel. I tucked the card into my pocket and privately canceled that afternoon's round. I sent Little Nephew to the arcade with a little roll of Jacksons and poured myself a glass of Moët. I wanted to be primed and in the luxurious mode. I put on my Prada sandals and sprayed some Tom of France.
Here's how the phone call went: RAY: [dials new Nokia hands-free] [RECIPIENT OF MY CALL]: This is Treasure. What can I call you? RAY: Hey sweet thing, this is Ray. Imaginationn sent me. TREASURE: Aww, that's nice. He's a real good friend of mine. RAY: Maybe you and I could get to be friends? TREASURE: You sound like a real nice man, Ray. I'd like that. RAY: So, is there a hotel where we could see if we are friends? TREASURE: Your choice, player. [giggles] RAY: [EXTREMELY horny at this point] come to my house TREASURE: Ooh! I'd like that. I'll be there in half an hour, Ray. RAY: I'll ice the Moët, Treasure. Wear something black that shows you off a bit. TREASURE: My pleasure, Ray. Byyyyyye. Five minutes later she called back to get my address and that was that. I'm expectin' her any minute now. I got another Moët on ice and a couple jimmies slipped in convenient places around the bedroom (under pillow, under glass of water on nightstand, hidden in sock on
. etc).119 floor by dressing table. taped to bottom of Aveda soap bar in shower.
I took down a few suds and said as much. Her enthusiasm did not improve. 2005 Treasure. "admit it!" Since she obviously wasn't a pro she broke "character" and started to cry a little bit while she held her purse real tight against her chest. Dang. that dude at the club. When I suggested we have some Moët and cool it on the King-Size she got real nervous and said she didn't know about that.120 SUNDAY. and I was ready to roll with this. Treasure was this little tiny person who seemed like a teacher who was real anxious to get done and leave. I handed her my handkerchief and said we could talk. She was already taking quick glances back at her car while I said hello and let her in. I slapped her on the shoulder real friendly and said. the high class escort I had recommended to me by Imaginationn. I was Clooneying in this crisp new Battori Uomo and my classic Tom of France. Her car was this kind of bad purple Ford Tempo with minor sun damage to the roof and hood paint. I guess I was expectin' kind of a Tina Turner-type black stockings chick. and I was six kinds of ready to mack. Apparently Treasure had been double-booked (she was having a bad time with her new scheduling software) and . I am not a stone cold psychologist or anything. I like when afternoons get weird. I nearly forgot to say anything about Treasure. APRIL 17. Now. Last week I called her up and we arranged a little rendezvous at my crib. but I could tell right away this wasn't the same chick I had talked to on the phone. in a pretty nice way.
Oh well. she acquiesced. 'cause that was a wack-ass move to sub the lay out to an untrained amateur.121 so she asked if her cousin. my guest) had never done that before. so I guess I got to head down to Napoleon's or the mall and see if I can't bungle up some thonky bootay. I ain't a homewrecker. I said it was great to be a good person and obviously she had what it took because she was even willing to help out her cousin Treasure. a third grade teacher (!) would turn my particular trick. so I swilled some more Moët and gave her all kinds of pep talks about life. Turns out she don't drink and she only ever been with this one guy who left to go into the Army and he was coming home in six months and he had proposed to her on AIM during a latrine break. I carried down the mostly empty Moët bottle and both glasses and also this one couch pillow that I said I had been meaning to wash. and since teachers get paid flat dick. She kind of said a small squeaky "Bye!" and walked with her head down toward her car. She (the cousin. We even laughed a little bit about how Treasure might have made some bad decisions in her life. I think her crappy little car even left an oil stain on the flagstones. then she gave up. I closed the door. I showed her to the front door and said Good Luck In Life and that Treasure didn't need to call me back. and she drove off. As for me. I ain't plan to call Treasure anymore. every idea for a good time can't necessarily turn into a good time. . To keep from having to do awkward kisses or hugs or even any contact at all when she left. Through the door I could hear that the Tempo's starter was bad. I watched out the window and about a half hour later this AAA truck showed up and gave her a jump. Her engine didn't turn over for about ten tries. but her class was on a field trip with a different class.
But not here. Some tips for writing in to Ray's Place: 1. Don't just copy-and-paste the latest Letters page from Nugget Magazine. 2005 Gettin' back into the advice game. Writes-to-a-Cartoon-Cat. APRIL 29. Brevity is best. So. Okay. 2. Funny thing is. I got a pretty good bag of questions this week and I think I will use some time to answer them soon. trouble getting baseball tickets. If it's too long for me. Try to write about a paragraph. I got like a five page email from some dude with fifty thousand details and I could not read it. You have to go to Ray's Place for that. I really got a kick outta it! Guess I just needed a little time away to help me realize that I really do enjoy tacklin' the messy situations folks get themselves into. and car trouble based on snowy weather. Have a clear problem. . This one letter I got was all about a long-distance relationship gone sour. What? 3. so the other night after a little Braveheart and Blue Label I was in kind of a noble mood and decided to take a stab at them. Ray's Place. Mike from Seattle. which you can find on the Achewood website).123 FRIDAY. Don't know what a paragraph is? It is three sentences maximum and none of them involve a self-estimation of your particular level of "skill with the ladies." I'll decide that. They'd been kickin' around in my inbox for a while just doin' no one any good. I had a couple old advice letters that never got answered in 2004 (I'm talking about my once-defunct advice column. In the end the guy just thanked me for reading and signed off. Mr. then it's definitely too long for someone who doesn't want to help you. No question mark anywhere.
124 -=Ray=- .
I oughta explore that route. MAY 01. man! I ain't need to tell you what this is like. there's no bread on sale. there's. open at the collar. Marlon Brando was extremely heavy. the bigger it gets. chunky old piece on my wrist. How did I do this? What the hell is the matter with me? If I want a meal I make a tasty hamburger or I arrange to have one made. You know what I mean — I am stone cold in need of some pushin'! It's been too damn long! I don't know how I let my Needliness go unattended for these many months. Ray likes Ray. Or maybe I shouldn't lose this winter weight.aw. 2005 I ain't gonna lie — I need to get SCREWED. the more it's like "why ain't I getting any of that sweet pushing? Is there a problem with me? Maybe I finally got to that age where the women just don't stop by any more! Oh no. Maybe I got to lose some of this winter weight. this ain't gonna wind up as no kind of good poem. Ray likes women who appreciate a man who likes the good life. I seen a heavy dude like James Gandolfini just wielding so much power. . It's like a snowball: the longer it rolls.com can provide. That would put some spring back in my step and pretty soon I'd be sporting a sick new Fila track suit. chochachos.125 SUNDAY. If I want a shirt. the longer I go without some pushing.. In my case. just a hint of Gucci Rush around my edges. Ray likes the good life. I been thinkin' about this. There's nothin' in the oven. either Battori Uomo or Hermes. Ray got to take a nap? Ray goes to sleep. Maybe I'm meant to carry a few extra pounds! It all comes down to confidence. man! I'm like George Costanza's dad!" I got to stop the snowball..
then you came to the right place. I got a job at Taco Bell. to be the guy who controlled the upgrade item and used it at will. The manager tried to corner me by the hot metal tray that keeps the Churros warm. Yeah. so I pulled my sour cream caulk gun and drew a nice white-outline necktie on him. By about three we were into the Jack and Cokes and just all kinds of muckin' it up silly. and it was one of those lazy afternoons that turns into a crazy-amped night.126 MONDAY. If you want to read the story. I was puttin' a few back at the Smoke with Téodor last week. . and I was feelin' no pain. Three minutes later the manager was puttin' some purple uniform shirt in my arms and sayin' mad stuff about bathroom cleansin' schedules. and I got the job. and I did the job. We walked two blocks to the Taco Bell and I filled out an app. The crazy thing is that none of the five other food-cooking employees acted like I was out of place. 2005 Did I get a job at Taco Bell? Yes. and Téodor was gasping as he took pics of me walking around behind the counter and touching different parts of the food-cooking machines. Pretty soon he dared me to get a job at Taco Bell and I cold took the bait. After about a half hour the manager figured out that I was just fucking around. I looked like a complete idiot! It was hilarious. and Téodor had slipped me a little of his voddy flask. I applied for the job. I acted like I took it in and I waited until he was done talking so I could go into the bathroom and put the outfit on. MAY 16. and every now and then I would electively squirt a dollop of sour cream out of the caulk gun onto a Taco or Bean Burrito. in a way. It kind of got me respect.
127 One of the workers. I guess that I am fired from Taco Bell but perhaps I will get a bonus or a lawsuit settlement when the union does its annual union stuff. . laughed at this but for the most part it didn't cause any disturbance on the line. Ray. a skinny boy. We jumped pretty much immediately and walked on back to my place.
I am not going to return your email. I wear my deodorant one wipe at a time I apply it in terrible cheap moments as the water drains through my cast synthetic sink. 2005 . I am a moderately aggressive man. My dirt goes to the Italian restaurant with me. and in the end we are worn. HOW HANGS YOUR DIRT I wear my current dirt to Brubeck. So no. The raiment of man is dirt. in the guise of wool or cotton¬ We wear things. 2005 Poetry from Ray's Collected Stickies. Because in approximately a thousand years whatever molecules I was my electrons they will be redistributed. I went through all the stickies on my desktop and got some of the better poems. so I had some poetry published in the Achewood strip a little while back. Yo. and Chris asked that I pony up some more lines since folks was askin' for more outta my collection.128 TUESDAY. I wear my current dirt to John Alveoli. because I am depressed. Ray Smuckles May. MAY 17. I have soft white ankle socks. I just sideswiped you and made you think I am a rich girl. and we dust for prints.
129 THURSDAY. ALL THE HAPPY MEN Here come the happy men up the escalator from the subway. Dang. . No. It looks like a sad greasy mess. There go the happy men They blew through this place The Mexicana has been looked at. so here goes. as far as I can remember. half-eaten. They do not keep floating up when they reach the top. on top of a trash can near the exit. The gourmet pretzel sits on wax paper. however. this one guy bought my "How Hangs Your Dirt" poem for two hundred and eighty bucks! It kind of tickled my fancy for posting more of my poems. They do not/keep floating/at all They disperse wide and to the left and buy a Wertzel's Pretzel with Jalapeño Cheddar or also consider looking at the orbous Mexicana at the jewelry cart where no-one ever goes. MAY 26. 2005 Ray's Collected Stickies Poetry. The morsel left behind Unloved and unfulfilled in purpose Who will care about the morsel left behind. II. This is the second poem I ever posted here.
and when I was on my way out I saw this one five-dollar pretzel half-eaten on top of a trash receptacle. A pretty sad way to go. ------—Ray Smuckles. .130 Who? The sad men. All these workaday dudes. I ain't a big America-hater. but I do know that we could do a little better about wasting stuff. got off the subway and kind of whipped through the joint like a ripple of nature. from lawyers to bankers to students and clerks. I've been going through them and I have some stuff that is sort of meaningful to me. I wrote that one afternoon when I was down at the mall and it was around five fifteen. For some reason that wasted food became the emblem of everything that is wrong with America. Okay. Contact me about purchasing these poems. if you think about it. I felt kind of a pang when I realized that the pretzel was just going to sit in a landfill until diseases and a hyena ate it all up. So. I people-watched for a while. I will probably post more poems later.
sevruga. So. JUNE 11. which came in pretty steep at $2. that ain't the best thing about any party.. I mean. imported herring. From looking at his receipts this last quarter. I knew I could trust that dude to get the bevv and the dance music on. I trust he done alright. ground beef. and also look after the food angle. In the third week of April he did up some Russian-themed party.325. potatoes. I heard good stuff about the late-April party and apparently even Spongebath ended up getting a tugjob. complete with catering by some company named Ucszero. They got that Russian alphabet all goin' on. but it is indicative that a dude in a Lark scooter who is in a pretty bad way could work things such that he got tugged. squab.. 2005 Back in the Party Way. I been kind of in a different place lately. you must have noticed that I ain't been writin' up too many of my friday parties lately. I have a good feeling after I analyze evidence like that. In truth. . Itemized receipts show expenditures such as cabbage. but rather to imply that I ain't had much of a hand in planning other than handin' the budget and checkbook over to Téodor. but I'm just gonna go with this one. doggies.not to mention some seriously unspellable vodkas and beers. where it's like they took the American alphabet and commissioned a smartass to make fun of our letters.04. I know the Rooskies can spin a seriously dishonorable transaction.131 SATURDAY. This ain't to say a friday party ain't been happenin'. not really so much into the friday party.
of course you have no idea. "Ucszero. and this one company alone. I was a little concerned that Téodor was gettin' taken for a ride by some of the catering/beverage vendors he was usin' to run my last couple parties! I still manned the books on all that. Nice. I been away from the game for pretty long.132 THURSDAY. you will come to see that I was all-knowing in my exact concepts. In time. JULY 07. and in all kinds of sincerity. 2005 I'M throwin' the party this week! I ain't mind to tell you. It is High Time this sucker punched the clock again." was way outta line in terms of charging the right price for things. and I guess like the farmers say. as to what tomorrow's party is all about: The Rock Star Died at 27. throws down a concept that you might not at first think is anything to do with a party.) Yeah. And that is why I leave you with this teaser. What kind of theme does the hidden master throw down from the yew tree? (this is an Asian reference. Therefore. though. Check you later. much like the time Elton John took over six years off yet still came back to work after then and donned dalmatian-fur shades like the way a rejuvenated Rocky would come back into the ring. this single thought. . proven thus. I bestow upon you the fact that I am once again running the Friday Night Party at the Smuckles Residence! That's right. ideas been all fallow in my kaboggin. The master. all bouncing around and cocky. of course.
I threw myself an extra-curvy curveball in terms of a theme. Kurt Cobain by default was in this indian-legged sitting position with his Fender Mustang. but when you pressed on the button he sheepishly stood up. Janice. I blew my head off on April 5th. I took the party-plannin' reins from Téodor because I was concerned that a Russian outfit was rippin' him off when it came to catering our parties. Anyways. I forgot to post about this for like three or two weeks! I am such a knucklehead sometimes. I set up all these big glass cases around the property. First of all. and indeed perhaps less than one man in ten thousand could get action going around such a concept. pulled the hair outta his eyes. there was a guard at each booth. except for the Jimi Hendrix one. Would you like to hear 'Smells Like Teen Spirit. Brian Jones. which contained completely animated life-sized mannequins of all the main rock legends who died at age 27: Jimi. JULY 29. This was real popular. 2005 The Rock Star Died at 27! Dang. just to make sure I was on my game: "The Rock Star Died at 27. "Hello. I swear it. who could unlock it so that you could have your picture taken with the star. which was having electrical problems and sparked this one dude . Naturally. how you gonna party around that sentence? Not many. in both dark and light areas. and I got deep back into the swing of event coördinating. 1994. and said. Since it was my first time back in a while. even old seminal bluesman Robert Johnson." Now.133 FRIDAY. For instance. I'm Kurt Cobain. Jim Morrison. saying a little bit about the circumstances of their death. Kurt Cobain. Folks could press on a button at the base of each display case and the mannequin would spring into action.' the hit single that many consider my rock-and-roll masterpiece?" At that point Kurt would freeze and the button would blink to let the folks know to press it to continue.
rabbit. I also had the crew build little sets of where each star had died (i. Jack. with people crowding the dance floor. and posting basic recipe suggestions along the meat/spice bar). 7&7s. with the appropriate music from each artist) so that guests could live the death out moment for moment. At the end of the line a couple of professional butchers would grind your stuff together and shoot it into casings. Food was a design-your-own-sausage bar. Round about a quarter of midnight the party was going full steam. and although it has nothing to do with rock and roll. what went through your mind when you were lying on the carpet next to the puddle of chewed carrots and sleeping pills?" It's not like folks get a lot of chances to compare such experiences. herbs. I noticed a lot of new couples forming in the little areas between the sets. the two butchers instead of one. Talk about your conversation starters! "So.e. The trick is knowing how to prevent bottlenecks (in this case. lamb. where you went down a line of meats (ground pork. The whole night went pretty well. I was pretty proud of this concept. which a third dude would then throw down on the grill. talking real excitedly to each other and just laughing in that way a guy and a girl do when they both realize that they are excited to meet each other and have something to actually talk about. etc) and then added spices. cheap jug wine with a pinkie ring. and had a great carnival-type feel. brew. dudes inside playing Grand Theft . except for one incident. even some Ripple (they still make a version of it in Chechnya that Dimitri from the distributorship found for me). giddy couples running off to darker corners. For beverages we had some pretty rock'n'roll stuff: Jack and Cokes. and fats.134 pretty bad. boar. beef. the swimming pool for Jones. venison. veal. In addition to that "meet the stars" lineup. the bathtub for Morrison. it worked really well.
If anything. which pleased me because I had been particularly proud of that innovation. trying to push Sothar off with pretty realistic anger.135 Auto blazed outta their minds. But no. Pretty soon it was completely black. This is when things got kind of weird. like a sort of primitive victory dance. The mannequin was writhing and fighting back. as a large and noisy crowd had formed in front of the case. and full-on vodka pong over by the hot tub. and the crowd got that hush over it like it wasn't sure whether to watch or run. it should have just shut itself off. Then. as per the First Law of Robots. This was weird. a light inside Jimi's case started to glow and spin in all these psychedelic colors. it knocked him to the ground and hit him real hard on the head with its Stratocaster. I strolled over to see if one of my technicians had managed to revive it. It looked like Sothar. this big dude we always been kinda chummy with. Sothar went limp like a rag doll and crumpled into a heap. Healthy lines were still forming in front of the mannequin cases. Gradually. from outta nowhere. but bit by bit I managed to worm my way through and eventually I had a view of the action. The mannequin started lurching left and right and emitting all these howls. though. which was unusual because I thought it had shorted out earlier in the evening. I noticed that a larger than usual group had formed around the Hendrix case. and I noticed that all the lights on the property had started to slowly dim. had broken his way into the Hendrix case and tried to take the mannequin's guitar. so loud that all the muscles in my face kind of involuntarily went . it seemed genuinely pissed at him and when it finally got an edge up. and he launched into a blistering instrumental version of Purple Haze. It was kind of hard to get to the front of things and see what was going on. because the mannequins hadn't been programmed with artificial intelligence or anything.
and we watched as the rubber flesh melted off the Jimi mannequin to reveal the simple aluminum armature inside. Jimi didn't give a damn about any of that. and would say things like "amazing. back at home in Ireland. the case burst into flames. he tore his shirt open at the chest. scampering under his bed in a pair of Robin Underoos. though — he went on ahead and nailed us extra with a Star Spangled Banner so pure and loud that you could hear every coil on his low strings fit to bust.136 to one side. Purple Haze melded seamlessly into Foxey Lady. Just when we thought there was nothing more that a man (?) could do with a guitar. then forward against the glass front of the case. the whole unit was pretty much a heap. then slid down." but I knew everyone just wanted to get pretty much away. As the tune rose to its highest point he doubled his picking and then quadrupled that. which he then whipped with much madness into Fire. and screamed. but I hadn't been privy to any such plannin'. It fell to its knees. After about thirty seconds of riffing on Fire he dug his pick into All Along the Watchtower with such heft and blast that off to the side you could almost visualize a Jumbotron video of The Edge. "NO EARTH CAN KILL ME!" At that. because everyone knew that a mannequin wasn't supposed to have maliciously maimed Sothar . smashed his Strat all around until it was in kindling. Everyone who had been watchin' kind of tried to believe that it had all been part of the show. Folks cleared back a few feet to make a perimeter. A dude here and there slapped me on the back real falsely. leaving a trail of polymer slime with a bandanna stuck to part of it. The crowd was transfixed. man. frozen to the spot. until it seemed like we were all being shot through the head with pure lasers of American sound. The crowd stood rapt at attention. By the time some dudes got to it with a hose. all eyes on the case. caught in Jimi's sonic tractor beam.
they smiled and shook my hand. the prongs had been clipped entirely off. the power hub where the gaffers plugged in all the powered units. I'm putting all my Jimi CDs into a drawer in my tool shelf in the garage. under an insulated runner which took it through a rose bed and a hedge. where I am unlikely to find them for a while. and I took a careful look at the melted Hendrix case. incidentally. and then all was gone. In fact. I know it doesn't mean anything. . I just signed on the dotted line. and then to the stinger. There wasn't even any mention of it. had been pulled to safety by a couple of guys before the pyrotechnics). grabbed a bulb of garlic. I like to stroll the grounds after the last guest has left. Oddly. but I went into the kitchen.137 (who. The party cleared out pretty fast after that. The next day. I noticed that the Hendrix cord wasn't plugged into the stinger. Just to be safe. and scattered it all around the burned-out case before I went to bed. and in this weird way they didn't take my deposit for the ruined Jimi unit. The extension cord ran from the case. the crew came and took the cases away.
you know. you know me. but whatever. man. what is he doin' there all day? So Doc Andretti's got me in this ginky old cast (I chose the hot pink tape to go with this ill black Fila track suit with pink piping) and says I got to wear it for damn weeks! It ain't crampin' my game too bad though. Paul straight up hit the roof pillar and has this huge bloody line up the middle of his face. seriously. Turns out you can't drive between the rocks at any speed. since I just been mostly watchin' a lot of TiVo this summer and examining the products of a lot of mail-order food retailers. my foot got stuck in the steering wheel as I was ejectin' through the front of the cart. because you are guaranteed to get smacked by my ball). Tonight instead of hangin' down at my party I put Téodor in charge of logistics and am holding court up here in my khrybb. There's the answer to the lava rock/rate of travel question. AUGUST 12. showin' me how to blast outta sand with a little more conviction than I been showin' lately (hint: don't stand anywhere in any direction from me when I'm hittin' outta the sand trap. and it got all twisted to hell. Anyhow. Anyhow.138 FRIDAY. which serves him right because as a resident pro he should damn well have known that you can't fit a cart between those two rocks. 'cause that shit is like a foot and a half too narrow. and it's low-key . 2005 I hurt my foot. I can't resist a little fun in the cart. Serious times. dogg. my box. so when we were headin' back to the clubhouse (we were both pretty lit up from takin' blasts of Caramel Riyadh outta my hip flask) I took the wheel and we tried to see how fast I could drive it between these two big old lava rocks they got just off to the left of the seventeenth green. I mean. Paul down at Hidden Hills was helpin' me with my short game a bit earlier this week.
a little Santana played real quiet on the Bose. so I am typing on the computer." (Gif? Ping? You know. No one should use a computer while they are at a party unless that computer is a pacemaker which is running their heart. maybe this cast is crampin' my style at least somewhat.139 with cigars and some plush chairs for just a few dudes at a time. and I bet they're both just continuing their dumb argument on the other side of my door. jay-peg stuff. Beef and Téodor were up here for a while but they got into this heated discussion about "graphic file formats. I mean.) and you could tell they both wanted to "honor" the other guy's opinion. . so I got damn tired of that and told them to go down and send somebody else up. I am using a computer while at a party. but you could also tell they were not going to change their opinions. No one's been up in twenty minutes. Alright. you know like how dorks act.
To have a young man constantly smiling at you is no way to live. 2005 Good help is hard to find. and I was worried about skeletons and the spirit world and such. I gave him his notice this morning. and maybe get some fresh shorts outta the dryer. He smiled real big and said that if I ever needed any . and disposes of the dead potato bugs in the incinerator like I ask. Damn. and he's been doin' a fine enough job. and I was standing there with a hardhat and a couple rolled-up scrolls of paper. So. last year Conchita quit on me. Today was no different. I been havin' a pretty bad run with the help lately. I'll go back inside while he's smilin' at his scrub brush or whatever. For a couple months I been havin' this kid Darius come clean the pool. The kid smiles even after he says "good morning!" and gets back into his work.140 FRIDAY. then look slyly out the window and he'll still be smilin' away like a nut. Shit drives me crazy at 9am when all I want in the world is to be left alone with my Bloody Mary and morning calamari. Between these three. as you know. and he smiles WAY too much. He gets all the maple leaves out. so I always see him. chochacho. and I been real weird about wakin' up early lately (I still can't bring myself to get the diabetes test). He wandered into the yard. He started to smile and asked me what was goin' on. and even the chick who was tendin' the vegetable garden ended up gettin' herself fired at the peak of vegetable season. so I laid it out real simple for him: I said I was tearin' out the pool because historical maps revealed that there used to be a graveyard where my property is. So. Not to mention Waterbury bein' a famous spy or whatever and then leaving. and even is careful about scrubbing all the grout. looking extremely tense. The problem? He usually comes around 9am. AUGUST 26.
and then he gave me a smile and left. . Shit almost destroyed me.141 help around the yard to give him a call.
brilliant! Main flavor. I sparked the first of many mean ones. since the first instant you bite back into that smoke you're like "man why did I ever quit oh ha ha hee hee oh meeee!" [spins in nutty-ass circle on one foot]. "why in hell ain't anybody ordered decent breakfast around here?" It was only seconds before I had the Tiffany all ablaze. and around 10am I hove the knuckle. my notes are completely meaningless. then look around me and go. mon! It make me crazy you no cook de breakfas' egg! BEEF: Oh uh hey uh oh I got to uh listen man I — . if likened to sun.") I was feelin' good like you do if you just stick with wine the night before. "'99 Cab. 2005 The world was made for me! Seems that way sometimes.142 SATURDAY. (I did not get high on Friday night because we were doing a vertical tasting of the current Grgich Hills lineup and if I'm stoned. and laid in like a soldier come Saturday morning. on account of I been a total old lady in the weed department lately. and put on my meanest Jamaican landlord voice: ME: Wot you do. Niman sausages on skewers. I'll write stuff like. First order of business was to feel the rush of cool. I mucked up a c-bag. emergent. V. rolled some tasty tips with my little machine. SEPTEMBER 03. You ever go through those phases where you practically never burn one for weeks at a time? It's crazy. I kicked on the pool house door until Beef answered. hella grizzlin' up over the flames. you know. Anyhow. surrounded by hazy corona of phosphorus and emergent dry straw. huh? On Friday I told myself that my Labor Day weekend resolution was to burn at least five jays a day.
with enormous alive spider in the middle] Fuck. so I gave him a call but they weren't around. man! Jesus! Hold on. I'm gonna get my shotgun. and who cares if I didn't. real loud. Oh well. BEEF: [slams door] [yells] GET DOWN! ME: [goes into garage to get 12-gauge] I got distracted on the way to get the gun and wound up spending most of the morning eating the sausages on the living room floor and listening to old Police albums real. If I've done my math right. sorry man. I didn't know you were ballin'. it is once again time to apply the flame to . BEEF: Jesus man don't be crass I mean I uh we uh ME: Molly! Cook me de breakfas' egg. I didn't remember about Beef and the spider until later. dude! Fuck! [jumps back] BEEF: Oh yeah uh that's the spider ME: Well no shit. white woman! MOLLY: Beef? What's going on? Is everything okay? BEEF: I'm not sure yet babe ME: [noticing huge spiderweb in plant by door.143 ME: You no gon' cook de breakfas' egg you gon' talk til de donkey he lose he back leg mon?! BEEF: Dogg I got um I got a — MOLLY: Beef? What's going on? Is that the guy you called to fix my ten-speed? ME: Whoah.
and I tried to scrape it off but the shit wouldn't move. Just kidding! Hi. 2005 Some critical news about my ding dong. a herpe! What did I ever do?!" but then I remembered that herpes are concave and so after a little more examinin' and some time spent pressing my bozack into the Google search field. I was immediately all like. or however that line goes. again? A guy's ding dong would be.144 the drug that absolves all shame. OCTOBER 01. I ain't at all shy about that stuff—I think it's ridiculous to act like this one thing that all dudes have is like completely weird and different between each guy and needs to be hidden. both mentally and physically. so that's what it was. man. I discovered it was . people. I'm real glad we got silly words like ding dong and ding-a-ling to sort of take the seriousness out of the subject. during the heartbreaking final scene where he is on stage and a famous doctor removes the codpiece to show what made the man so insane all these years. everyone's so up in arms about the peter all the time. A blasted ding dong!" You know? The people could be like turn-of-the-century English. Thanks for dropping by old Ray's blog for some news that is definitely not about my ding dong. The other day after I got out the pool I noticed a grain of sand on my ding dong. I mean really. Who's Wes Craven. the audience would see his ding dong and go "ah. That actually reminds me of some news about my ding dong. I mean. why all the fuss? You'd think the little thing could glow and pass laws. like. unless you want to write in and ask me what's the latest haps with that little sucker. SATURDAY. "aw crud. if Wes Craven [I think it's Wes Craven] made a movie about a man who had this terrible secret and always wore a lead codpiece and at the end.
.145 just a little old ingrown hair. tweeze! No more "fool's herpe" for Ray.IS ALL FOR THIS WEEK! . [dramatically pulls burgundy velvet cape back across self.. hiding ding dong] AND THAT. Tweeze.
but if people were interested in a side project where I regularly said what was new with the ding dong. but then again. On a more serious note. In Article 14. on down at the Gate.) Had some good corned beef and fries for lunch. Will have to wait and see how it plays out. and the water ran off it in wonderful ad hoc rivulets. I got a lot on my plate already what with updatin' Ray's Place all the time and keepin' Prime Time on the rails and all that. . (I been thinkin' of studyin' law. My Prime Time artist Curmudgeon was in town. didn't I!? Today in the shower the ding dong looked pretty normal.. I would like to take a look at some problems that I have with the United States Constitution. 2005 Should I do a ding dong update? I got a lot of good mail. Funny how a dude is. I really had you goin' there. OCTOBER 11. Peace though. I might be into that. and he straight-up loves on some pub food even though he is cOld World Queens. it clearly states that. I dig on sushi despite that in Japan they eat vending machine underwear instead of Starbucks.146 TUESDAY..heh. Or is that too old of a funny reference? Might be. Did folks like my ding dong update? I mean. hence the legal terminology.
instead!" If you know you're going to get a face full of my swinging. A woman wrote in to tell me that she hated my ding dong updates. My Halloween costume got shot down by Beef. I had been up super late lookin' at some old Picassos and I gradually came to see the Harlequin as a beautiful. and it was on my doorstep by the time I woke up later the next afternoon. it's daytime in Italy. and Beef goes and doggs the thing immediately! What kills me is that he was right. "Hey. Dudes. 2005 I guess I'm havin' a bad week! So. tragic figure. why do people think they should tell you what to do? Maybe I should write her back and say.I been into the idea of havin' some muttonchops lately). I got to re-think up some Halloween costume ideas since I ain't going to get it on the waist-line dressed as no clown. "don't read my ding dong updates. or just maybe a topless steelworker with a couple Tecates in his toolbelt. blinging ding dong when you come to my opinions website. 2. I might be James A. then maybe it is YOU who is making the bad decision! My decision to run this website is great (and so is the ding dong! No instances this week!). I didn't look too cool. Folgers (of Folgers coffee fame . I already got most . I'll call 'em up!" Significativo Doctore. Anyhow. OCTOBER 21. I spent the better part of eight hundo getting this fancy custom Italian silk Harlequin costume made. and to stop them! Honestly. a specialty art/clothing house.147 FRIDAY. and before I knew it I was like. bad week two ways (doesn't that sound like the name of a Chinese dish?!) — 1. FedExed the thing the same day.
-=RAY=- . I been pretty Klondike lately and I got some designs on Boliqua. and the leather gloves and safety goggles. I better get on down to this shindig of mine and throw my hat into the ring. Oh. and weathered work boots.148 of that stuff lyin' around — I'd just need the safety helmet. tool belt. this bubble-butt Haitian on from down the bar at Rodrigo's that I invited. Daaamn but she got some bubble butt! Peace logo with peace finger-sign flying wings. Pants and Tecate: check! Alright.
. by 1am. Man.. and got his infected snot molecules down in through the holes. Unfair. I think a dude sneezed on that. (I know that I tried to do a Google search for "bubble butt" before turning in because the next morning my browser was still open and it turns out I had typed in "bubble boot. My nose is all swole up like the ass of a baboon watchin' his first stag loop. SCREW that I got to feel this crappy! My eyes also are itchy. . There were some skinny chaliquas down from the Stila counter tryin' to mack it up. Man.I didn't get any play at my Halloween party. into the vanilla powder. When. where his germs could roam free. thrivin' on simple sugar structures." which had resulted in lots of pictures of Popeye's shoe and the shoes of other characters like Popeye). I think it came from usin' the vanilla powder salt-shaker they got on the Starbucks straw/napkin/spices counter. but I was holdin' out for the bubble butt. I just laid into the gimlets with my fellows and ended up doing a brief Google search for "bubble butt" before hitting the hay. the bubble butt did not arrive. So. mainly because Boliqua didn't show up.149 THURSDAY. NOVEMBER 03. but I did not get bubble butt. and it itches to all hell besides. I just got me the nastiest old head cold this fall season. what's new with me. I ain't never again goin' on into that place and usin' their publicly shared ingredients. 2005 I got a cold.
Tonight. here's where Ray gets a bit outta' town: why does he want to find someone? . but I have not given any deeper thought as to the complex reasons why they enjoy them. a playful dude). NOVEMBER 10. a man is probably sitting in a computer laboratory somewhere in Wisconsin. and I am owning at all ways of thinking about math). in certain cases. there are dudes dotting the surface of it. I am one of those dudes. But WHY does he do that? It's because he wants to find a lady (or. people.150 THURSDAY. while it spins. at times. 2005 Friday party. if you put a drop of blood on a microscope slide and then on Friday evening around eight o'clock you put a drop of Bombay onto that blood. I have Toilet Tim's Big Book of Manageable Math. he likes that he can put on the booze bag and eat snacks of delicate cheeses and teriyaki drumettes. Now. completely jazzed that he figured out how to create a computer code that automatically reduces the amount of computer code it takes for itself to exist. Sure. naturally! Man. There are always dudes out there who are giving not just 110%. In the past. and listening to Aretha Franklin and The O'Jays. but my party plans are also humongous. A man goes to a party. but there is more to it than that. Sure. the blood will be observed as having more fun. but. I have Zen-embraced the basic idea of the party. you know how this crazy big world is. Stay with me. while planning tomorrow's week-ender bash. I have just made available a lot of things that partygoers like to enjoy. sure. completely doing the best possible job at their respective tasks. There is also the romance of the animal brain. For starters. At all times. 100% factorial (do not challenge me at math concepts.
You know what? I'm high. Hello. Come to my party. and in the middle is a 36" plasma TV showing old workout videos from the 1950s. And I don't mean life how like a distraught lady takes over her dead dad's established chimney sweep company and it goes bust because all his old-school customers don't think a female can do that kind of work. A party is the essence of sharing. You know what? I forgot Little Susan's. you. This may be the first time I ever broke into a thought to relate my situation. Some old grumpies use the sentence. Life. wants to see life. I've got like six guys down in the . I have a lot of activities where life can seek itself out. havin' some fun. That was my Lazy Susan-themed restaurant where each table. I mean life like this basic signal in all our cells that says GO GO ON GO MORE FUN GO I guess that's my way of sayin' that life wants more life. I also have a crepe bar. I go against that sentence. "misery loves company. and a place where you can change into your swimsuit such that only your head and legs show. man." but that ain't at all what I mean. I have trampoline Twister. me. Life wants to share. I'm not kidding.151 It's life.. but I am high. which really blurs the lines between contact that was intended and contact that may only have just been subconsciously wanted. Sharing is the essence of life..
including twenty minutes where I read magazines on my bed. It only takes me like half an hour to get that stuff together. but I am high and I just don't care. Sorry if you think this is bad or low to abandon a thought like this. I kind of see it as convenient. there will be a party tomorrow. man. I really need to get downstairs. Oh. and it looks like I typed over seven pages about some kind of idea about a great party. and easy. and everyone will have a great time. What if everybody's mad at me? What if they LEFT? Crap! .152 living room all completely amped up to watch Braveheart. Sure.
NOVEMBER 22. Celia's over-portioned cheese. We had a little chat this weekend and it turns out she told me her favorite local restaurant. Thank you. all. I got much good wishes for you all this year. . End of thought. The option is yours! I am thankful for the conditions that make life possible. including another year of good health. So I'm gonna hop on through there during happy hours and see if I can't catch some of that tail. You are good at your job. 2005 Thanksgiving wishes to all my chochachos. this is Ray. I myself got much to be thankful for. here. You could see the stuff on the left of the equals sign start to pile up. which is Celia's. man. It was like an equation. Hey. still come out. but I'm glad you do a nice job of it. that bubble butt Haitian on from down Rodrigo's.153 TUESDAY. good business. Thank you also to the guy who takes away my trash every week. Thank you for the bubble butt. which is a pretty ass-crap kind of a local mini-chain with way too much melted cheese on everything. Is that a good way to describe a movie? As a science problem? Probably not. but I guess that's what powers the bubble butt. Yeah. and then the stuff on the right of the equation started to add up. and finally some progress with Boliqua. and it was waaay good. I saw Sunset Boulevard on AMC last weekend. Thank you to people who took the time to make old movies. I know you don't care. and shake the can extra hard to make sure that all the Starbucks cups that are stuck to Taco Bell burrito wrappers that are stuck to the inside of the can. and then the equals sign happened in this real elegant snap of the fingers. That is rare these days. Dash this thought to the ground.
_______________________ PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles Happy Thanksgiving.154 Thanks to the dude who delivered my pizza tonight. _______________________ 2. _______________________ 5. You came fast. It'll surprise you how little time you spend thinking of things like this. you should print one out. _______________________ 3. Here is a handy template you can copy and paste: 1. and remembered that I like an extra package of hot pepper flakes. I'm guessing Operations Research. _______________________ 4. Do you have a list of things you are thankful for? Honestly. fat old world! . by the cuffed corduroy pants. and seemed like you were a PhD student during the day. You were polite.
RAY: ACK HACK KHACKH ACK HACHK MOM: Raymond! Drink a glass of water! RAY: HRRRHKAKH HRKHAKH HRRR-R-R-R-RHR-HR-HR MOM: RAYMOND! RAY: (tries to slug from Moët bottle. While it rings I trundle over to the bed and get my tray all balanced on a pillow that puts it at a comfortable level. She picks up sort of outta breath. which makes me cough a little. Alright. fired up some calamari with mustard aioli. I have a few bites of the hot crunchy squid and throw back a glass. NOVEMBER 28. 2005 A Thanksgiving call to mom. and she'd been leavin' all kinds of messages on my cell about not callin' her back. then I think that just makes all kinds of sense. So. and then I dial her up on the speakerphone. You get better energy. so I didn't get out to see mom for Thanksgiving again this year. and if that means that the caller is lavishing calamari and bubbles on himself. so I blocked out a good hour of time. which is a mistake. Hello who is calling please.155 MONDAY. . so I have the chance to put a few pieces in the old boca. and cracked some Moët. It rings a few times. Getting a phone call from me when I'm munchin' and sippin' on the crispy brut is like talking to an enlivened spirit from Silk Dimension 9. Moms should be treated to the finest of phone calls. and seems kind of not herself: MOM: (real strict) Hello. just to fortify myself for the long call ahead.
It will rot your teeth. mom! No drinking here! MOM: Is that Coca Cola. RAY: It's diet. mom! It's diet! [places hand over phone and vomits tiny piece of calamari that has a huge piece of dried chili pepper flake stuck to it] [slaps chest twice] So how you been! MOM: Are you okay? RAY: Yeah. right now! MOM: I called you seven times! RAY: And I'm returning those calls! MOM: I don't see why you can't call your mother back. can you hear me? Are you drinking? RAY: No. .156 as it explodes out of my nostrils and dribbles from my lower eyelids) SQWRF! PFFFFFFFFFFPFFFFPFTTTHTTTH MOM: Raymond. mom! We gon' talk about that or are we gonna talk? MOM: I just don't see why you can't call your mother back. Raymond. mom! But how YOU doin'? MOM: I've left you seven messages. Raymond! RAY: Aww. RAY: I am callin' you back! Right now! MOM: Why didn't you return my calls? RAY: I am. then? You always did drink Coca Cola a bit too fast.
Now. YOU. I have to get back to Circle. WITH. Well. RAY: So long as you enjoy it! MOM: I love you. THE. Thank you for calling. A bunch of ladies my age do a weights-circuit.157 RAY: I. NOW. maybe I'll call you sometime! MOM: Raymond! Did you just sass me? RAY: No. MOM: That's right. RAY: What's Circle? MOM: It's my workout gym. AM. I guess we all hope that the troops get home safe. RAY: I love — MOM: [click] . Raymond. It's all planned out. MOM: Good boy. MOM: Good. RIGHT. PHONE. RAY: Well. MOM: I just wish you'd call me back. mom. Raymond. ON. mom. RAY: Did you have a good Thanksgiving? [seventeen hours of Mom talking] RAY: Uh huh. is all. RAY: Sorry.
which is kind of like a An Angel Got His . but I'm a man of my word.. and you don't know me. Happy holidays to racists. Happy holidays to the next 500 people who drive past my house.159 FRIDAY. be he stranger or foe. Rinse out the damn wok after makin' nasty-ass fish dishes! I threw that gross mu-shu in the trash. I hope it's nothing serious.) And lastly. I don't know you. (This one is tough for me. Happy holidays to anyone who is in a CT Scan machine right now. but I'll probably have gone back inside. behind the big leather chair! Happy holidays to you too! Yes. DECEMBER 16. Happy holidays to EVERY Italian. Happy holidays to the dude at Crispy Wok who totally fucked up my last order of mu-shu. there! Happy holidays to you! And you there. I want you to pour yourself out a Doublewide With A Foundation. I see you! Ha ha! I saw you peeking around the corner! Happy holidays to Brian Merriwether of 608 Scanlon. I'll wave back. for readin' this.. Person #501? Happy holidays to you too. 2005 Happy holidays. at this exact moment.to everybody! That's right. Good will to fellow man. happy holidays to you.com by guessing that someone had that name. Seriously! Wave — if I see you. but that's what Christmas is all about. It's nippy around here at 10PM. in Ardmore. I just looked you up at 411. everybody! Hey. Pennsylvania.
160 Wings. except you substitute sweet vermouth for dry vermouth. I LOVE THIS NUTTY OLD PLANET! DO YOU HEEEAR MEEEEEEE PLAAAAAAAAAANET -=RAY=- .
Either way.. Their wordes may be mistakes because of a quick confusion of the mind." which is what Tom Sizemore once insisted was the word for the tanned skin of an unborn lamb. today. Somewhere between an accepted. their flowering malaproetry deserves a showcase. DECEMBER 25. This book is that showcase. However. nightclub.. for a while now I been pitchin' this idea to Simon & Schuster and various other publishin'-arena Daddy Warbucks. Here's a little excerpt from my foreword: Dear Reader. lies the area in which new language takes hold. and language is both our coach and . but only if you hate information that sucks. So. Shlimazel. one of my hobbies is living on the outside edge of the evolution of language. etc). Chochacho.161 SUNDAY. Shlemiel. they represent powerful concepts that all can agree on. [. 2005 Damn fine Christmas news! Good news. none of these words was considered more than nonsense. as he talked full-tilt with friends outside of an L. a celebrity brings these new word-ideas (WORDES) to the public via their great means of visibility (tv. My dude at Cantnell Osovich Derillio finally bit. radio. or they may be intentionally constructed after hours sitting at a writing desk with the OED. and a total nonsense group of sounds. ads. but I got a great update from a dude I been workin' with to publish a new book concept I had! Read on. More often than not.] You and I are on a journey. At one point. everybody! Not only was Christmas fun.A. and this spring you should be seein' a hilarious yet important new title on the shelves: Brand New Words and the Celebrities That Created Them! As you may know. clearly-defined word. Note how it is bound in "clearlamb.
2005 . Speaking the English language is like jumping a sports car through a gap in a quickly-passing train. I know I did." I hope you buy this book. Ray Smuckles Achewood Estates.162 our impossible goal. only to find that on the other side is a table full of girls from the Clinique counter who get quiet and then call you "random. California December.
you know. Raccoons are real crass. I don't know exactly what was goin' on. After a while his wife was all like "Steve would you PLEASE go get some wipes from the gas station! This baby is here NOW!" And Steve was all like "squitter squeek hell yeah I gonna go get some wipes now that I made all my badass sounds. 2006 Crazy-ass Raccoons! Daaaamn! I was just out on the back deck when all of a sudden. beneath the boards. JANUARY 03. and all that was left was squeaky little baby raccoon chitter. . I think he was just showing what a loud stud he could be. Totally low-class. in case I actually mis-heard a bad gangfight or weird extreme fetish group all into mortal-ponyboyin' or deathsmothers. and almost *always* on other people's property. I stood out there with a broom in one hand and a brick in the other and just made all kinds of sure that they didn't get anywhere near my door.163 TUESDAY. gettin' into just the lowest of stuff. and the fight sounds stopped. something like sixteen crazy raccoons started havin' little squeaky rape-babies and growlfights! I mean. I might flash my Maglite down between the boards over there tomorrow to make sure there ain't no corpses or whatever. After a spell a pretty fat raccoon dude charged off across the yard and up a fence." Anyhow. but that was my mental impression. Is it a thing that the man raccoon makes fighting sounds while his little raccoon kids are gettin' born? Because I don't think he was actually fightin' anyone.
Anyhow. like a gorilla] Ray! Ray! Ray! RACCOON: squiteek! chitter-pik! RAY: I.AM. I guess I wouldn't be too worried about a bunch of digested Amstel Light layin' on the dirt. sucker?! You KNOW this ain't your damn house! You know this is MY house! RACCOON: squitter squeek squeek RAY: I KNOW you heard me! Your kind didn't make it this far not bein' able to tell when a dude was pissed! RACCOON: chitteroo! chit chit! squiteeeek-eek-eek! RAY: Yeah. either.. to try and do that "markin'" thing. I know you only got dog-type language. though. but it ain't like you don't hear the tone in this voice! RACCOON: teek-teek-teek! teek teek! RAY: [alternates slapping open palms on chest. I'd been havin' Amstels.164 THURSDAY. cause obviously this dude wasn't scared. JANUARY 12. I got kind of mildly pissed and yelled down at the dude.. RAY: What the hell. Needless to say I hadn't bothered stickin' my head down there after the last time. 2006 Damn raccoon made a dog bark! I was out on the back deck havin' a smoke just now when I heard another damn raccoon messin' around beneath me..RAY! . although I did try takin' a leak over where they were. and my scent might have been kind of diluted. so I never really took care of the problem..
I was just sayin'." Anyhow. and the queen slaps him on the nose. but a dog next door started barkin' at him too. not too much progress with the raccoons. dude. Sorry. DON'T MESS WITH THE RULES. I bet this could be scientifically tracked. . kind of complicated thought. RACCOON: squitter squeek squeek! [it sounds like he's stepping on tin foil] RAY: Damn raccoons. THIS IS MY LAND. [goes inside] So.165 RACCOON: [chewing on something] RAY: I PEE HERE. again. how a single dog bark in like Japan could wind up with a little Corgi barking in Buckingham Palace like six hours later. and I wouldn't be surprised if the whole nation was listenin' to the "dog Internet" barking five minutes from now. shit. Totally 90s of me. and the Corgi is like. RACCOON: [silent] RAY: GO AWAY. and pretty soon the whole dog switchboard lit up. "Well.
Once Lyle had done his thing with the cops. I just wanted to tap this down before the moment escapes me." And ain't no war-weary Laurence Fishburne gonna be pullin' off some dusty goggles as he replies. Ain't no eloquent-assed Ralph Fiennes gonna be playin' my part as I go. both knowin' we kind of had to wrap up and rap on it before we hit the hay. which is unusual 'cause he is always so steady. Chochachos. It was cold Epilogue. He took off his busted-up woodshop goggles and set them on the table. For now. It is maybe not even twice in every five years a man has a feeling like this. Thing was. "I ain't pooped in five days. Me and Beef stayed at the low-key festivities 'til the end. no man in the world has earned his bedtime like I have. "dogg. Old dust flowed down the drain in long dark streams.166 FRIDAY. 2006 It is a damn fine evening. and I made my way upstairs for a real hot and thorough shower. All our spent dudes who came out to congratulate us on the Great Outdoor Fight finally wobbled they' asses home. though. MARCH 31. Hey. That kind of rejuvenated where you immediately want to fall into crisp white sheets. and all kinds of a mess. and I the hell felt much rejuvenated. and I am going to SLEEP. Tomorrow I fully expect a well-rested us will hold court a little more fully. we neither could say the big-ass things you got to say at times like this. we stuck out and dapped and he walked kind of shaky to the pool house. we sat real calm at that boss Smith & Hawken teak I got by the pool and lit up a few quiet ones." But the thing is. that was a stone fuck. some like T havin' actually slept less than us. and old Cornelius made fishin' plans with somebody. Excuse a man. .
2006 I can't decide if I like helicopters or not. By the time I get out there. Damn. That is a hell of classy move. a cognac roller with a posse who I often see down at Hidden Hills. Like when you're ridin' in a car that gets a flat. I went outside to see what foreign dignitary or oil executive might have been touchin' down in my back yard. and slipped a couple of my slick new "name-only" business cards in my pocket (you know. havin' not only gone in for the wine but also nibbling on some juicy porterhouse with merchant potatoes. when the whole place starts to get this subtle rattle. when I notice that a certain area of the parking lot is cordoned off and a few security dudes are at the perimeters. private number on the card based on the recipient). so it's a good thing I didn't find 'em). The cords weren't around my car. he'll clip us a couple Cohibas. a little crowd has formed around the landed huey and who is gettin' out of the pilot's seat but Imaginationn. last weekend I'm down at the clubhouse tryin' to find which pocket of my bag I put my keys in (truth be told. but landin' your own chopper? Stone-cold . the kind where you hand-write a personal. We're talkin' next-level.168 TUESDAY. a little while back I mentioned this dude Imaginationn. APRIL 25. Anyhow. Any chud with a couple hundred bucks can pull up in a rented Rolls. So. So there I am. and you think a helicopter is above you? Only this time. so I knew they hadn't seen me burning that bowl off the 15th and eating that sneaked-in salami sandwich. We're kinda familiar. you know the style. it really was a huey. I was pretty smoked up on the Jamaican tumbleweed. here. I'll comment on the new bespoke options for the Maserati Quattroporte. which made me feel like celebrating with some Chateauneuf-du-Pape at the clubhouse while my memory cleared.
"That your bird I heard outside?" I ask. and I glance up from my magazine and steak. Every movement of his is a statement of proof that the dude has polish seven layers deep. There's no penetration." he says. which is becoming something of a local phenomenon. or motion lines. (It's kind of hard to describe. smooth as day." "Maybe we take it out later and you help me look for my drive on thirteen. is on the tail. He talks the talk and gets me a date at the .) Right away. but I immediately realize that the lime-chipotle relish the club serves with the crispy golden goujons matches perfectly with the tequila." I say. but the idea comes across real clear. and a lot of people are familiar with my problem. Oh. He walks off to the bar and orders a neat Herradura and some chicken goujons. The dude has lacquer. "Real smooth.) "You got it." just an understanding between gentlemen that to have sat at any other table would have been a social abomination. flyin' his classic handset hand jive sign." he replies. It's his first time landin' his bird here. I been sendin' a lotta balls down that way. I know how to play it. and what with my hook lately.169 unquestionable. "Mm-hmmm. I get back into the clubhouse dining room before he can see me. Pretty soon he's offerin' to take me up in his ride and we go. (The tee shot on the 13th hole is along this huge ravine. Best investment I ever made. Before long he wanders in by his lonesome. No "may I. and he's gonna be high on the rush. and before you ask: his logo. I never would have thought to pair those two. Dude's style is live. Lovin' it. Since I'm the only other dude in the dining room he comes and sits opposite me at the table. two roses making love to a clock.
but it's like a gear in my head is sticking. at this point. if a helicopter's engine goes out. The helicopter is basically your ticket to any gig in the world. But now that I'm home. I'm jazzed. all unaware that he's just walked off a cliff. They are like the pedestrians of the plane world." I don't know. all able to land anywhere. So. I won't kid you. but something is telling me. One the one hand. A helicopter does not glide to a delicate stop. "stay away. A helicopter is serious. I shouldn't just buy a helicopter because Imaginationn got one. your lips and ears doing that Raiders of the Lost Arc covenant-opening thing.170 dealership in Tempe. You are stone cold tuna-can meat. you don't just float there like Mickey Mouse. perhaps on fire for several minutes after crashing. I'm. On the other hand. Everyone wants to know that man. but for some reason I have developed this itchy phobia about them. 'cause who is gonna turn away the guy that shows up in a half-mil piece of equipment.I'm of two minds about it. I need to think about this. . at any small resort or rooftop party... I'm not really a phobia person. helicopters are fabulous. Normally I'd just have the thing delivered. I really want to consider the copter.
or distance swimming. What we need in this day and age are some sports that are fun. They are amazingly boring. 2. If you get a tomato in. so I ain't gonna lie. like a sky-dog? I'm not mainly a dude who will say to ingest LSD. You can almost always get to it before it lands. like Ivan Lendl. Kites You may laugh. and they have their mouth open. who is way rough on his kids. Ripe tomatoes are extremely soft. And the court is smaller than tennis. Everyone. can play badminton. MAY 17. The idea is that you stand almost thirty feet away from your friend. but a healthy . to the point where someone should write a coffee table book that examines why the main popular exercises make you want to bury your feet in cement and hop off a pier. man! It's my fun sport that I invented. You ever get one of those suckers up into the air and then just follow it for a few hours. I give you: 1.171 WEDNESDAY. or most of the other main ways of keeping in shape. but everyone. you have scored a Tomato Tennis Point. "what is Tomato Tennis? Is that a thing from Letterman?" No. Three points wins the match. so you're reading my blog. Tomato Tennis Alright. Badminton. or marathons. and you try to throw ripe tomatoes in. I stone cold do not enjoy jogging. but a kite can be a real calorie burner. 3. and you're like. where you don't even notice the time passing. so you won't turn into a big grouchy jerk with spine problems. and cannot cause injury at any distance. 2006 My favorite personal sports Alright. but the birdie is way less crazy and doesn't bounce all over the place if you miss it. It is like tennis.
.172 serving of THC will serve as a great gateway to deciding to see how a kite acts over a period of several hours. I'd write more. they are just so right. but I want to go downstairs and eat some fresh gourmet hot dogs that I bought today. I got these specific rolls to go with them.
and ain't nothin' better to go with some artichoke hearts and ranch dip than some sweet-ass rum and Cokes. I told him to cut it out. Just to get Whiney Dan outta my face I stuck a ten-spot in his coat pocket (still sewn shut. and a checkered tailcoat. didn't he see it wasn't my birthday and that I wasn't five. I hit the hearts. I sunk the fork into the tender. Some damn guy was standing there drawing my picture! He had on this Uncle Sam top hat. so I had to just drop it onto his clipboard) and awkwardly ate my hearts in silence as he finished the portrait. and it was pretty much all families and kid birthday parties in there. He looked over his shoulder to see that the manager wasn't around. Scientists call it symbiosis.I. and that I had a rum and Coke. so I was down at T. and hella cleanses up the palate for the next bite. and I was poised. I had to strangle every damn bite down . MAY 25. of course. I had my fork in my hand. Friday's. but I had a little booth to myself in the back corner and was able to read my USA Today in peace. 2006 I got to quit settin' myself up for a disaster. wiggled it just so perfectly in the sauce.G. and a big goofy necktie that was like eleven inches wide. Alright. then said all these sad things about needing to raise money to finish art school and he had no rent money and even some stuff about his mom recently having passed. The hearts showed up. Man. so I could read it with no hands. with my rum and Coke. crispy heart. I flattened out an article about some kid in Ohio who's the national sit-up champ. and that ain't normally a hang for me. with a dash of salt and squeezed a little lemon into the ranch. still sizzlin'. and raised it to my mouth. but then he spun some bummer rap on me.173 THURSDAY. It was around eleven-thirty. Yeah — that drink totally cuts through the lingering fry taste. but I was needin' some fried artichoke hearts in a bad way.
and dodged. the upshot is that I'm gonna get a recipe about making fried artichoke hearts at home. and found a framed picture of Annie Oakley that seemed about the right size.G. Jesus. When he was done he handed me the sketch. It was real uncomfortable — I don't even think I tasted the food. and I'm gonna hire Téodor to draw my caricature while singing O sole mio. then worked it back into its original mounting place. can you believe it?!) to the gum on the bottom of the table. you're gonna get exactly nowhere bein' a cock to people who just gave you ten dollars to draw them with a nose the size of a baseball. knowing that he had just bared his (possibly fake) soul to me and I was sitting there eating a salty little treat and having a cocktail. mind you. I stuck the picture of Annie Oakley (cut outta some elementary school history book. I bet that guy didn't even work there. I already had bad memories of the drawing. and he just walked away. Don't you hate it when something as simple as a lame guy ruins something for you? Man. doing crank and watching The Terminator DVD on 4X speed. Anyhow. inserted my picture. but still. which was actually pretty decent — although he made my nose way too big — and said that he worked for tips. dropped some cash. Not like a manager at T. . what with this kid obviously starin' at my face. Just walked away. and I already know how to make rum and Cokes. Friday's cares about anything other than going home. I tore it outta the wall (no small feat considering all the screws they use to hold their stuff down). kid. I bet he has a thing where he tells the manager he was hired by one of the eighty-five birthday parties goin' on. so I looked around at all that knicknack crap they got on the walls at TGI Friday's. That kind of pissed me off so I pointed out that the ten-spot had been his tip.174 my throat.I.
so long as he's singin'.175 He may want to use Adobe Illustrator on his laptop. which is fine with me. .
yeah. Everyone will be handed an unlabelled magnum-size bottle of whatever they order at the bar. It is Wednesday. First off. I'm gonna call the event ENORMOUS BY RAY SMUCKLES. which curl up like shrimp. Did you say that you want Eggs Benedict? Well." one long continuous udon in hot-ass broth. served on top of a ham steak the size of an LP. But you can see the scale I'm thinkin' on. It's served with three pints of Hollandaise. we gonna do deep-fried lobster tails. You know how most parties have an entertainment . Not anymore. Not this week. There will be no small beverages. This should get everyone enormously honked up and making bold claims by 9pm. That will be the name of the party. only crazy-large. I recommend it for groups of 20-30. ours is made with a poached ostrich egg. 2006 I owe the world a damn favor. so your food and beverage is enormous. and I am going to put ALL of my emotions and reasoning into this bash.176 WEDNESDAY. I missed a few. and with an aioli dipping sauce. sucka. I been damn busy lately. Truth be told. JUNE 28. made out of a modified guitar strap. even if it's gin and tonic (the bottle will have a shoulder strap. I can't even be bothered to look up when the last time was that I wrote about my regular Friday night party. over a special English muffin flown in from Brazil. like a bota bag). Alright. read on. And instead of deep-fried shrimp. but what else? What else can you really do that is big?" Well. "Yeah. I may explode an actual bomb — I don't know. The food will be enormous: I've got this special Japanese dude who is making "six-meter noodles. and ain't always brought any game come the weekend.
but not for what you'd expect. and precious metal accents. We gonna have Jim Morrison coverin' "The Humpty Dance" with Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy. I'd write more but I am much into designing the outfit that I'm gonna wear. and he hits the keys that run up and down his body. something massive has to be on the line. It ain't my regular Fila track suit. sweet sangin'. and for a closer we gonna have a hologram of George Michael gettin' arrested in a public bathroom. Oh. "enormous" to have U2 or the Rolling Stones? Well. I may hit you up with a review next week. No. I may travel through the party.177 portion? And how it would be. that's all fine and good. I had some of my guys at Pixar Beyond Demand (a renegade project group in-house at Pixar) figure out how we could have a massive 3D hologram of unlikely duets by famous singers who never met. but I may not. Let's just say it involves Marvin Gaye and some sweet. which play the notes of his own voice. like. you know. In this instance. it's my own brain. mainlinin' champagne through a very real and very dangerous direct-tobloodstream IV. Some of his slappin' gets insanely fast. you know? . a Cristal IV plugged into my arm. and he performs Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" in the classic hambone body-slappin' style. shower shoes. For something to be truly ENORMOUS. I got to flap it like that. strapped to a gurney pushed by six hot-ass vixens. I got to go all-out this time. and I just might be. but it ain't enormous enough for me. Strapped down like I was crazy. You'll just have to attend. We gonna have Sting dressed as a human-size keyboard. I think a little larger. I got to fly it like that.
so I didn't have the vixens wheel me in on my gurney until about 11. Not a damn single person showed up. got pissed as batch after batch of his six-meter noodles got overcooked and mushy. I had the roaming searchlights in the sky. so people could clear their calendars.178 MONDAY. JULY 03. The udon guy. Everybody with a heartbeat and one functioning iris knew about this party. the works. and I could tell they were not down with pushing a rich guy around his empty party on a gurney. the phone tree. Long story short. but then I realized that the vixens were kind of acting weird. Can you believe I actually spent some time around 2am . He cussed real often and threw the ruined food directly onto the ground out in front of his little stand. I was hosting ENORMOUS BY RAY SMUCKLES on Friday. we basically tossed about two grand worth of deep-fried lobster tails. the email service announcements. I had figured that people would be millin' and chillin' large without my presence. And yeah. The bartender stood there. the text messagin'. so last I posted. I will be honest with you: I felt WAY awkward. my tight crew like Beef and T. I even planned it a few days before usual. you guessed it. chewin' on his nails. 2006 What in the damn hell is going on around here? Yeah. the Cristal IV fully patched into my arm. Huge layout for food and bev. Imagine my confusion as they pushed me around the empty grounds. we threw away much food later that night. At first I thought I was just hallucinatin' from the booze. the works. Not even my bros showed. Fukuya. and I got like no idea where everybody was. incredible entertainment.
What in the hell? .179 trying to use Google to see why my party sucked? Weird. I'm feelin' weird about all this. doggs.
that's it! I'm gonna cut out this damn blog entry right now and go watch Simpsons. my speech will be filled with cliches and lame jokes about the "big Beach Boys reunion tour in the sky. you know? Man. I wonder what replaced it? What if." You don't say something like that if you have class. some chubby Marvin Gaye on the speakers.180 WEDNESDAY. The window's open. I hope it's that one where somebody tries to steal that janitor dude's grease and he gets all wigged out. I am doin' this right. I know I got to mourn my boy Leo.. I am bloggin' in real-time. 'cause I got to give a real proper eulogy and people are gonna be able to tell if I ain't mourned yet. Anyhow. my pacing is so smooth and even. That's right. If I don't. I got to dig down deep and wonder about the thin line between bein' alive and bein' a dead body. and a cool breeze is helpin' me relax on this stone cold mellowed day. . but I been real busy lately. but for some reason it stopped bein' a part of my routine. and I always enjoy it.damn. Leo all in his white shorts and favorite red Hawaii-print shirt. No. I wonder what idea I will come up with to blog about? Oh.. Man. I like that show. crap. My fingers are just flutterin' over the keys as I type this. It's like. and even a little snack bowl of peanuts and cashews. let me blog about somethin' else.. Did you know that I haven't seen the Simpsons in over two years? It's like. 2006 I'm just bloggin'.. and I better do it before services on Sunday. JULY 19. Leo from the Caddy dealership just died. I keep meanin' to set aside proper time to mourn the dude.what if it was bloggin'? Is that what I do with my spare time now? I been doin' this blog for over two years. I got a mimosa all fresh by my side. double-fisting Herradura margaritas. I wish you could read this word for word as I write it. Daaamn.
I didn't like any part of it. There was that time in Vegas. 2006 Leo's service. Dolores (Doris? Sorry). For a dude who swore by American cars. with all Leo's dudes in attendance. Okay. Grandma sneaks you another piece while she is cooking her famous Salami e Bruschetta. Garlic bread. Leo was a lot of fun. with the modified automatic rifles at the outdoor shooting range. I ain't gonna count calories. in 1971. Their name was Fontanettini then. I mean. and I gave it on Sunday. It was hard. Here is the text of my eulogy. down there on the #1 fairway. and he knew how much he wanted to eat. One imagines large dinners and the huge faces of friends. LEO FONTANETTE A EULOGY BY RAY SMUCKLES --Leo's family came from Italy. and his mom. always.182 SUNDAY. JULY 23. I ain't need to talk about it. Alright. Fun times we had. it is a stone fuck to put a cadaver into the future with your words. you ain't interested. Long and short of it is that I finally got a proper eulogy together. on the papers. his family was Italian. plus some guys from the handicap trials. I have never seen a man blow so many holes in his rented PT Cruiser. He was one. I mean. Damn. so like I said. of the old country. Yes. I finally had the chance to mourn the dude. I want to say some fun times I had with Leo. Man. Fresh salami from the butcher. but the dude played it bad sometimes. he actually got inside and shot the .
maybe then we would already be done in Iraq." That was classic Leo. Leo. Thank you. In Leo's memory we have a message: love life while we have it. but as he walked outta the stalls he just threw his wallet on the ground and said. I wish every child across this land had Leo's bold approach. then popped the hood and shot the engine bay at least fifty times. But enough of that. Temper your approach to life with a sensibility about calories. I didn't edit that.183 interior of the car. Like I give a shit. Do what you want. . Calories are the reason that my friend Leo isn't with us today. Damn you for makin' me wait 'til I get to see you again. We weren't even supposed to take the rifles off the range. Damn you. "Charge me. The dude was sure about things. everyone.
I am always fascinated by the real gone ones. "let's do this." You know — two dudes who live kind of in a bad mis-planned alley behind a gas station. the souls who looked in the gutter and said. Pfiggin would notice. and plonked on down with the Huffs. It was as though he had shaved about five million years off his mental evolution. I picked up a half-rack of Molson from the gas station. like one that backs up against a creek. 2006 Don't huff! Damn. playfully exploring my personal space. AUGUST 08. The main huffer. I just was downtown pickin' up these new pillows for my media center couch (the old ones were completely squashed and stank like a nightclub). and I saw these two "huffers. I don't know how these dudes get by.184 TUESDAY. you know me. who I'll call Pfiggin. His support huffer. and they have "crazy-look" eyes. pushed his hand playfully around the base of my shoe as I sat there sipping on my Molson and trying to offer him one. watched us both for signs of change (for example. like a couple of old modems that are constantly shooting streams of either exclamation points or question marks at each other. but they seem to operate in pairs. Anyhow. . and all their teeth are gone. and somehow they find a balance." Maybe you remember my old story about drinkin' with Punch Man. I didn't have to worry. Well. in kind of an elf-sense. who I'll call Joël. with that smile like a Hanna-Barbera dog who has *just* been smashed on the head with a shovel. when I would offer Joël a Molson. He was like a chimp. and cops can never drive back there and scare them away. They sit back there all day spraying spray paint into paper bags and then huffing the fumes. They ain't violent types. curious old Ray. and then he would look at me).
185 Joël never really got that he was supposed to take the Molson. Two guys long gone on solvents. . Ain't no comin' back. What is goin' on here? Why am I so tormented? This crap is. like. It was sad. man. I wrote off the Molson and rolled. Man. who got upset and stayed silent. German. only he didn't really do it right. so he staggered to the left for about twenty feet. which confused Pfiggin. this is like doubly depressin' after all that crap with Leo. to see actual *livin'* dead. Joël got tired of my shoe after a few minutes and real rudely stood up. ain't no helpin'.
You could tell the dude liked to type and trot out words like they were unexpected steaks in a communist building. kind of like the word was a lovely red hat or screaming blue policeman in the center of a pure white gymnasium. good first steps. he was always makin' small booklets of our times.186 SATURDAY. AUGUST 26. in early days. He would break stories the main school paper wouldn't carry. He always had a flair for that stuff. like maybe just a page folded over and a fake cover with a title like "CRUDDY CHRONICLES" that had a decent drawing of him sticking his hand about halfway into a rain gutter spout and making a shocked expression. Then for a while he just sent pretty funny emails to everyone." He would use a word like this against a backdrop of incredibly simple language. First. and you could tell he still liked to tap-and-sass. Me and the fellows would even talk sometimes. like about how the social studies teacher jacked off. and that actually got a lotta people talkin'. about his funny lines or the certain way he had used an uncommon but normal word. . Dude just released the second copy of his 'zine! Here's some backstory on how my crazy computer programmin' friend actually has a first love of printin' sass by the pound. I am pretty happy for Roast Beef today. After that he did THE PRIVATE EYE in high school. like "scrounge. 2006 My friend made a sex magazine! Read it! Man. I don't agree with the scope of his vision. Now he's got his 'zine thing goin' strong and I am proud of the dude. like for years. when he wasn't around. Anyhow. Dude is makin' big strides in the publishing world.
Dude keeps it real. and doesn't risk much money. and he has so much sense he can barely get outta bed each day.187 but I can certainly appreciate a player poundin' it out even when nobody cares. My boy is Roast Beef. That's my boy. . Dude plays it tight.
You know what I'm on at. like the ape with the bone who beats the ass of an ape who had no bone. all in some loincloth with a snake necklace. which you don't patronize. but once in a while you get that 2001: A Space Odyssey moment. I stumble into a clearing. who should the hell take a damn walk). Don't get me wrong—olive oil has its place. ain't you! You see. Man. That place is at the store. and rising up into the sky before me is a ten-foot tall stick of butter. 'cause newspapers and magazines have to say bad and scary stuff about everything or they'll get bought out by Reader's Digest Large Type Edition. the size of . 2006 Butter. You should eat what makes you happy (except fatties.BUTTER! BUUUUTTTTTERRRRRR! I'm picturin' this: I'm an Amazonian tribesman. NOVEMBER 08. It's like... it's like that. drizzle him the hell on popcorn. I been thrillin' in the kitchen with butter.188 WEDNESDAY. Anyhow. Remember how for a while people were sayin' you shouldn't eat eggs? And now they say you should constantly eat eggs or you'll die? Yeah. what with the health craze of the last couple decades. And I ain't took it too hard on the waistline. and you afraid to listen. and let the health press duke it out on the newsstands. while you are buying butter. melt him on noodles. I ain't met some sex club worker named Butter. the whiny newspapers and celebrity diet books have us all in constant confusion about food. butter totally got shoved aside while people pretended to eat baked potato chips and olive oil. either. and you go. where have you been all my life? No. though you could believe that. I'm talkin' 'bout fat little old mister butter—spread him on toast. and I'm runnin' through the jungle with this fresh grilled whole snapper in my hand.
189 a fridge. then laughs as the hours pass and the fat sets and the vegan's body is slowly crushed. At the end of the movie. . I fall to my knees and scream to the heavens: "BUUUUTTTTTERRR!" You know. about this guy who believes in butter but keeps getting doors slammed in his face. that sounds like a good opening to a movie. The rest of the movie could be in the present day. I drag the sizzling-hot fish across the butter. As the melted butter and fish juices run down my face. he lowers his vegan nemesis into melted butter. then devour one side of it.
You get me down in front of . I was like. like. NOVEMBER 16. Anyhow.) One day I was buggin' on some l00p3r who'd been spazzin' out about god knows what. I even was gonna meet with a guy who taught introductory compilin'. and all of a sudden you're. peppers! I finally did it! A little while back. I could see the appeal of computer worlds. I'd got in that far. I learned a ton about computers. You just learn a few words and ideas. I been workin' with a hypnotherapist. and we got me to the point where I no longer desire punchin' in and batch-glockin' a bunch of eight-character goons with some vengeful kill -9 action. I was a super-fly "houndy-ass root boy. I'm talkin' from parity bits to the delicious seven layers of a TCP/IP stack. a secretive master from the old school. Shame on old Ray for fallin' into another easy vice. I realized what a waste of time my "virtual" life was. "Hey! I ain't need no guff from some fools in this improvised fake-scape! What the?! I got to get into my yard and bust a fat jay and grill a pork medallion so tender it trembles when a butterfly flaps its wings in Japan!" (a chaos chop). for sure. and I kind of had an awakening." totally setting the permissions for all kinds of stuff—even starting to pwn on some users who had gotten out of hand on my IRC. fast-tracked to a corner office where a kid named @kr0n_12 wants to repeat everything you say to everyone he knows (three guys from the WHATS-YOUR-WPM boards).190 THURSDAY. Hard to ignore that kind of easy ass-jockeying. when I saw that I was getting all my pleasure from changing "permissions" on a typing line. (And getting results. I might add. flew by the handle of 01100001-A. 2006 I forgot everything I knew about computers! Yo.
but I do not condescend. My guy is good. Either way. -=RAY=- . I find the whole concept distasteful. or drive a thousand miles in a direction. he has finesse. Have a good weekend. I may hit the links. you can bet that I will not be aware if Internet avatars of Super Mario and Rivet Soldier Masobungyi are mad at each other over "religion" in the General Discussion channel. everyone! It's great to be free of computers again. He keeps me gracious even in the face of my ghosts. or try to buy one of those golden ducks with the hanged neck like they got in Chinatown.191 a command line terminal. the hell I want a ham sandwich and a stroll 'round the pool.
One time. For food I put a cashew. Beer lines snaking around the property like a new ride at a goddamned non-Disney amusement park. Yeah. anyway. I threw no bash on Friday.192 TUESDAY. and a Frito on a small white coaster. DECEMBER 05. Yeah. I had that thimble from Monopoly and I used an eyedropper to squeeze in . 2006 smallest party ever Yo. a pony keg of Mickey's and Doritos as the only food. But I think I worked it out last Friday night. a single fondue bar for three hundred people. I swung so big and took nothin' but air?! Yeah. and I think every dude has those. Gates locked. that's right — old Ray been takin' himself through the wringer these days. it messed a dude up. a Goldfish cracker. and I did not mingle much. I had some of those small dancing stick-figure pixel animations open in different browser windows on my monitor (no stick figure more than eight pixels tall). anyway. a little puffed. Absolutely the smallest. It was a dark time. tryin' somethin' new. put out a few calls. To drink. So little music. I threw the smallest party ever. gettin' over the failure of the ENORMOUS BY RAY SMUCKLES party that I threw in July. in a way. settin' up parties that I knew were less than I was capable of. I was low. Another. SMALL-N-TINY BY RAY SMUCKLES (original type was 3pt Times). I had dialed in a band I found that played only one piano note every five seconds. Some college thing. Not for anyone else. For a while I was havin' actual issues. I was in my room. and I was at my desk with earbuds in (smallest way of listening to music). So little to listen to. had Mayor C plant a few utility crews around the sidewalks of my place to look like electrical or sewer was goin' on. Yeah. Every dude I care to talk to. so I'm still. and crap for them at the end. I was ashamed.
like. Then. The party lasted exactly one minute. or Sharpie it on a scrap of paper taped to the bench.. Ooh. . and then. write "Party at Ray's.193 Ketel One from a little airplane bottle. In that stripped-down space I gained a huge new perspective on just how little it takes to have a good time. because I was cold focused on how nice the cashew tasted. but not so subtle that it surprises you. this one older Asian man each of them will have seen walk by immediately after they saw the note will greet them warmly by first and last name. discover like a urinal or park bench they always use. which is the shortest measurable time a party can be said to last.Japanese Nihongo. I ain't even get to the Frito or cracker. The staff will all wear white. sitting at my desk with the tiny computer pictures and drop of Ketel. with just one single piano note fadin' away in my ear. Nice. It was so. keepin' with the Asian theme. So I got some ideas for my next party. although at certain points I would quietly let out a little "woo-hoo" or "uh huh" under my breath. when they show up. 12/15" in the grout. Yeah. but that cashew was really nice to eat. My one decoration was a single chili-pepper light. all by his lonesome. powered off my USB. I did not move from my chair for the duration of the party.. and little islands of flowers and candles will float in the pool. Minimalist. this is just too good. real subtle. I am SO not giving any more away on my blog right now. I may hire a street team to personally tail each invitee for a day or two. which will be real. Even the way you get told about it will be subtle. It sounds lame when I say it. This is like The Game good.
is that he's been at it for a couple months now. I got to talk to him about franchisin'. his pies are killer. He got himself a job drivin' pizzas around (for delivery). though. delicate. Anyhow. like hot sausage and spicy kimchee (you would think this is terrible. Clean. 2007 I am proud of that little man. He even has this "crust two ways" deal. Guess that's the Chinese half. On the fusion half they got that sweet and sour pork bun filling. Couple times a year I golf with Luigi Wong (he's half Italian and half Chinese) down at the club. and he has been making a good little income from it. Sometimes it's good when a kid goes retro in a way that doesn't involve wearing your old clothes in order to look hilarious to his friends. You know what? I am proud of Little Nephew. That's the kind of values that our grandparents used to have. and they sprinkle over some sesame seeds and chives. Anyhow. springy pizza. books are good. let alone missed a day of work. JANUARY 31. if I see him doin' somethin' . I rarely get the chance. You can order a half pepperoni and mushroom. but it's not). Damn but if that ain't some tender. what with him always snappin' pictures of his crotch for MySpace. It's like. you know. or lyin' about drinkin' from the Chivas I use to clean the rims on the Escalade. and he's got a real smart operation going. Most importantly. and after cooking they fuse a half made outta that steamed pork bun rice dough to it. like bell pepper and ham. this fusion pizza place that's actually pretty all right. He's down at Colonel Luigi's. half "ginger bee" (his ginger bees are little fried popcorn chicken in a garlic/ginger sauce) and green onion. or just a straight up fusion pie. I just wanted to say that I am proud of Little Nephew. and damn but if it don't run like a clock.194 WEDNESDAY. where half the pie is a regular pizza. and has never even gone in late.
Feel a man's pain. This is the situation.195 actually good. Feel a man's pain. America. I got to jump in there immediately before he starts drunkenly snappin' pics of his crotch while loggin' on to MySpace. the world. -=RAY=- .
but is still just a tiny bit hard. FEBRUARY 23. I been on a lessons kick lately. I'll want to learn how to do something. Like. 1) Muffin lesson. Don't worry. So. You know how good dim sum is. It's really that easy. and pretty soon we had a rockin' breakfast muffin. callin' you all "m'buches"? Yeah. I made us some doubles from the Jura and we chatted about how hard it is to quit smokin' (out of politeness. you're all still my chochacho(a)s. A couple days ago I called up this guy Wayne Shoy and slotted him in for 11am-noon. I asked the guy if we could work some bacon and cheese cubes into our muffins. so don't act like I'm not telling the truth. so do I. m'buches! Hey. We did up some rude soup dumplings. Thought it made sense to start the morning off with a muffin lesson. since people always nibblin' on muffins in the morning. I been packin' lessons into nearly every daytime hour lately. Here's who came over today ALONE! Like I tell you. 2007 I had a rad-ass day. and some pork buns. that's a thing I been feelin' like sayin' lately. why was today rad? Well. right? Well. Ain't nothin' worse than a homemade calzone by some lousy friend who thinks they can cook just cause they bought a pizza stone. He was hella fun and we even grilled up some dogs before he left.196 FRIDAY. 3) Calzone lesson. I didn't have a cig until after he rolled). "M'buches." Rhymes with smooches. and even some real tender beggars-purse type action. and I'll stone cold ring up a private teacher and they'll come over and teach me. you dig how I did that little African thing there. 2) Dumpling lesson. I had the guys .
197 from Pizza Bel Forno come on down and give me a real thorough demo of everything from makin' the dough to bakin' the show. which was cool because my evening tamale lesson guy needed the driveway space to set up his steamer cart. Anyhow. so that was chill. As we were samplin' the finished product I could tell they wanted some Sambucas. I'm totally blissed on education. . it's pretty good to think that I still got a whole lifetime of lessons ahead of me. you know. I ain't so arrogant as to think that I already know it all. They finally pulled out around four. That is the main problem that a person can have. At my age.
or are havin' a good day. this was my bad. Kind of made a mess. pushin' one nostril shut while blowin' the payload outta the other one? Anyhow. and Mayor C sprayed me with his Coors. Honestly. today was TOTALLY unimportant! I just did COMPLETELY regular stuff. Here. Tried to be humorous about it. Just as I was drawin' up into my backswing. it's almost hilarious: 1) Got up. or whatever (I know some people in Australia read this). You know. but sometimes a player just has to roll with the punches. Didn't want to. the thing busted out with all this calorie analysis chitchat. all makin' a pile of shavin' cream and then throwin' Tylenols into it. Hope you had a good day. That's about it. let me lay it out for you -. 3) Saw a dude farmer-snottin' behind the bank. 2) Had to throw away my new talkin' pedometer durin' a round of golf at Seven Pines.it's so boring. I saw that. 2007 NOTHIN'! Man. -=Ray=- . MARCH 06.198 TUESDAY.
Bacon ain't exactly news in recent centuries. MARCH 19. that is. there I go again. Gesture was krackety. I know he takes a loss on those. Onstad. I was coolin' it in the Caddy. Good luck mattering. it's 'cause Onstad's frontin'. Had my boy Vi Hao air drop 'em out by the bridge. Good luck with your bacon. of course. Yeah.199 MONDAY. That amateur. Love that guy. Dude has some new bacon the way a kid joins the cub scouts: just weird circumstances. I'm sorry. Dude has pride in those ribs. . no real passion. I ain't all about hatin'. I say this with a tummy fulla' echidna banh mi. All dungy. Why I so crotchety? Oh yeah. so the gesture was super-large. what with all the trimming. Whoops. watchin' for his long-short-long tailsmoke. So tasty. It's nice to see the guy spread his wings a bit. Player even threw in some salt dung-cured Shetland short ribs. It's like Onstad just discovered the post office. 2007 That chump. Bacon of the Month Club. whatever.
and eight dollar halibut specials at 3pm. picked up this cheese-ass local paper that I never read. right? Little newspaper goin' on. I got up. and I even used my XM satellite to tune in the 1850s channel . then I went down to the kitchen and guzzled at least a pint of ice cold Pellegrino. I nearly fell over as all of my blood dropped like fifty degrees and my organs started lookin' around on medical websites to see if they could find someone who would take better care of them. I had this sense of if I went there.. While flippin' around in all the ads about sleep dentistry. some French jazz on the Bose. it didn't seem like I was gonna go to a museum today. I would get an idea of how similar folks always been. I found this little "local interest" article about a general store from the 1850s that had been preserved in its original state and turned into a museum. It hit me. along with my Eggs B. APRIL 14. doggs! At first. I swear. and padded on down to the kitchen. They wouldn't have iPods.200 SATURDAY. HELLLOOOO FOOD NETWORK. and. never do that. or even disco roller-sluts headin' south on ten kinds of Marky-Mark. I got up at like 5am so dehydrated that my eyelids took literally three seconds to open or close (the eyelid pulled slowly across the gummy eyeball like a slug). Pretty soon I was in the Escalade. I think I almost bit the dust. The usual calamari and bloody. but they'd have their own kind of fun. 2007 I went to a museum. Man. After that I played it cool in bed for about six hours. of course (fish is mad-good for the brain). Pink Floyd-enhanced LASIK. zipped into my dope new Fila coveralls (they even got slipper feet sewn in).. just on-and-off sleepin' and tryin' to mentally plan my Saturday brunch feast. but maybe English chip-cut fries this time. you know? I was like.heaven. on a whim. I cooked that action up BY MYSELF. Nice.
Amazing how powerful squeaking wood can be. his own tight smile intensified. reprahZZZent!) First up. I thought of how it would have been in the day. Real strange energy from that dude. so to the modern eye they seem like you should not just open them at random). and there was this young dude with like a real forced smile on his face. That ancient smell of varnish and dusty wood filled my nose as I walked across the squeaking floorboards to the nearest display. like. and I felt like I was there to shoot whoever was running the museum. It was large. just in the presence of this old structure. and some ancient pictures of handlebar mustache dudes cutting down a tree twenty . I looked around the empty place to see who was in charge. the building was in this hilly. standing behind some kind of counter. Not even a glass case over them! Very cool. two story Lexus LX (ugliest SUV on the market. It seemed very 1850s. Already. and it creaked in this mad-dusty Clint Eastwood kind of way. some pioneer mom named like Clarabelle shovin' twenty-six kids into their two story CUS (Catholic-Utility Stagecoach) and lashin' wooden crates of groceries onto the roof. I looked at a display of old lumberjack saws (again . I stepped up onto the walkway that skirted the building. and not a lot of folks were around. which was a tray of old extracted teeth that the town dentist-grocer had removed for a dollar each. all) with a Vuitton-sportin' mom wrestlin' a half dozen brats into various types of kiddie seats. except for this one. and it squeaked as I walked inside. Eventually I found the front door (back then.201 (Millard Fillmore. pretty dense area with a ton of ancient oak trees.just mounted bare on the wall. I smiled at him. front doors of shops were just like regular house doors. a real tight squint. and he nodded like a half-millimeter. not even any ropes keepin' you out of arms' reach).
and kind of squeaking in place on a noisy floorboard. The dude. There. floorboards squeaking like crazy. workin' alone. squeaked the front door open. where there were all these ancient bottles of whisky and local wine on open display. when San Francisco was just a few muddy streets thirty miles north. so I briefly looked at a display of historical pants. When he saw me he pretended to check the axle of this old ox wagon that probably hadn't moved in a hundred years. I thought. I looked back and said "thanks" to the dude. not even behind a glass shield. Every second I had been in there had been agony for him. and hadn't taken a leak since god knows when. had been in there for hours with all those bratty kids and dangerous displays. and stood in front of his .202 feet wide. you're just like me. It was starting to get on my nerves. I could feel the guy squinting from the other side of the room. Really confusing. and real delicately the dude came out a side door and kind of wince-walked a few steps before noticin' me. It hit me. I walked around the building. slipped a fiver into the old wooden barrel that said "donations. Why would anyone hire a guy like that? A museum should be a mellow place. so I went into another room. There was only one right thing to do." and squeaked my way across the threshold. I squeaked my way back up the front walkway. I perused a set of framed ledgers. and then carefully let himself back inside. but I could still feel the dude squinting. you could buy at least ten varieties of booze in this small room in the middle of nowhere. History. and he just shot me the most intensely squinty-eyed smile I have ever seen. since there were more outdoor displays. Even before the transcontinental railroad. a spot that was on the way to nowhere.
.203 counter. "I've been thinking. so I slipped another fiver under his windshield wiper. "let's start with the pisser. "First." I smiled. and let myself out again. arms crossed. I'll imitate it for you sometime if I ever see you at a Friday party. piece by piece. As I was drivin' away I saw that his car. He got me. His squinty grin melted into a pleading." I said." I said. one he couldn't control. I wronged the dude—didn't read the signs—and even though I was kind of interested in the museum. We can go room by room. was a pretty bad ten year-old fake Pontiac sports sedan. Any Smuckles will tell you that. basic protocol always comes first." This broke him. begging face. all havin' some stickers about the government holding a bake sale to buy a bomber. the only other one in the lot. and as I was headin' to the Escalade I saw him walkin'—with his knees essentially together—to a modern outbuilding. "I want you to tell me everything there is to know about this building.
Just some time now. Mega-bitter ancient Chinese dudes on blankets. Dude has talent ten ways from Tuesday. Some types need pushin'. It ain't a Discovery Channel thing where you ain't supposed to interfere with the animals and watch as they starve to death — we all wound up in each others' lives for some reason.alright.204 FRIDAY. It's a match. I'm flappin' it that way for now. It's my groove. 2007 I had to put the push on the guy Man. I think it's happenin' this time. dig? It's different with Beef. Dude never had a Place to be from. all lookin' at Zodiac charts and stuff. He's got old-wired manners in all areas and that World War-style ethic where he just does not quit until he has got it right. Ain't like people half their age in worse . Molly ain't goin' nowhere. never had a swell situation. I kruck down money on escorts and chicks and basically play it single. but since he is who he is he can't allow himself the right. be honest. You know me. Main Sentence: my boy Roast Beef needs to get with his long-abidin' girl Molly. I guess the dude's got me around at least a little 'cause he likes that I'll give him a push here and there when he needs it.. maybe not the best way to say it.. Beef ain't one to play the market. they'd probably grin at this one. you can tell. Molly is stone sick for the dude. Problematic. New Paragraph Anyhow. I may want the Thanksgiving table and beamin' pearl-earring wife sooner or later — probably later — but to each at his own pace. MAY 25. Ain't nobody no dummy when it comes to their root selves. you know how Roast Beef is. she is gone on him. He hella wants to nest. and nobody bugs. and he's lucky the right thing landed in his bag on the first try. plus he cleans up real good since he walks all the time. Sure.
See you all at the ceremony/party. Should be big. just put the symbolic ring on. Gonna be the best Friday ever! . The real ring went on basically when you met.205 situations ain't been makin' it happen since before time began. I'm gonna insist he does it at my place — I got mad plans for the catering and traffic flow. Dude.
" The chicks? Man. The dudes are all like the friendliest jocks you ever met. I mean they'd do it to kill the goat in a real quick way. chica. they get up to even more good fun than the dudes. I'm thinkin' bout goin' to Australia for a spell. and they all will arm-wrestle you. and before you knew it they'd have that bad boy strung up and bleedin' for Sunday dinner. Sit next to some real-estate lookin' middle-aged lady at a cafe table. Maybe a month or so. 2007 Goin' to Australia. some hella cush tennies. even a switchblade chicaloca from raw angles. JULY 10. Australian people put the damn mack on. they are harder than any American chick. not some Steel Magnolias french-braid-a-thon. In the morning you'll both wake up with a bad head on. and if they've had enough lager. instead of military duty (Australia has no military that I've heard of — who's going to invade them. They're tough down there — they all intern on farms and ranches. All chicks there play paintball. you'll see what I mean. and you're on. any Australian chick would shoot a goat in the side with a rifle. and a bedroll. You can't put question marks on the table. "Aagh. That's number one. Princess Cruise Lines?). But not only are the chicks super-hard. they'll moon you until you both god damn pass out on the floor. crikey! After you. . Ask some raw angles chicaloca to blow a goat away. just hitting the heart. and they'll crack you a lager and go.206 TUESDAY. I been watchin' all this Aussie TV on YouTube and I got to tell you. I don't mean they'd do it out of spite. I think. mate. First of all. hell no. plant your elbow. Strap on some rude external-frame pack from REI. totally slapping your back the first moment they meet you. even the quiet ones (and there ain't many of those). And I mean DUDE fun.
I'm goin' to Australia. Yeah. Then she'll get back to her niçoise salad and cell phone call. They got this resistance swimmin' pool at the club — I'ma get a surfboard and go see how well I can cut water.207 She'll beat you with a beer in her hand. . Been a while. Build up the old triceps and delts. A cold Foster's.
that would be the LEAST treacherous animal. One nice thing about Australia is all the solid music they contributed to the scene in the '80s. like an Australian dude's. you know. their radio was mostly news about light aircraft failure. (You're not near it? It's silent. 2007 Gettin' ready to go to Australia.) Oh. all the time. with the wide horizontal stripin'. Hell. so I made that up. like all true Aussies wear. where all the nasty stuff from evolution went to go and live in a trailer with a shotgun. I got me some thick-ass cotton rugby shirts.208 THURSDAY. I am seven kinds of beamed over my upcomin' trip to Australia. and they got a kind of shark that actually says runes when it jumps out of the water. man. though. 's the Berra Borra petrol 'round this way? We're just out from Adelaide on a driveabout! ME: Heh! I'm from America! DRIVER: [cracks a lager. Got me a puka shell necklace and some chunky-punk Blundstone "Blunnie" boots. They got ants that are literally on fire. mate! The important thing to remember about Australia.) You . and did I mention the spider that can mimic the tones of you keying your PIN number into a telephone keypad? Okay. JULY 12. (Before that. hands it out the window] Crikey! After you. It's. They got a type of bush there that will rustle all night when you're sleeping near it and drive you nuts. mate. I ain't be surprised if people pull up alongside me on the road and ask for directions! DRIVER: Say. They've done tests. like. is that it is some tough-as-nails country. I tell you. and Thaddeus is even teasin' my short hair out so it's a little tousled. but in Australia. like a pilot light.
209 can joke me for playin' outside 'a my hip-hop comfort zone. . They even turned out Men at Work! You definitely know "I Come From a Land Down Under" — they play that song at inaugurations. Your dad came. not a nation. Hello. I just YouTubed the Australian national anthem! No wonder they use Men at Work instead. INXS. I can see why. Damn. but Aussies claim much coin on Midnight Oil. when the bride walks down the aisle. when they lower the casket. if a drinkin' song is your anthem then you're a Parrothead. AC/DC. I see they were actually considerin' "Waltzing Matilda" instead of this jerked-up Muzak thing. he's in the car queue outside. all locked up in the basement of some library somewhere. Hope they didn't waste too much money on some national anthem. Maybe I can talk them into some new anthem action. I may bring a little lagerproof keyboard to demo some ideas to them. just any old chance they get. all that proper pop/rock stuff. It's a catchy tune. Jesus. Whoah. winner of the high school project.
That's the only way a player should *ever* act as a guest. I want to enter the country with grace and graciousness. and you can listen while I work these bastards . roight! RAH'-dja BAAH'-nuby hea'! [Hard to represent his accent. Start the lesson early. can I ring you right back? ME: It would be better if we just went on speakerphone. Here's how my first call with Roger went: --ROGER: [answers phone] Crikey. That's just the basics of what Americans know about this great country. to teach me the real nuances of the place. there's a big 'un! ME: I. and i won't keep doing it. with girls who punch horses in the side of the head when they don't behave. though. Roger Barnaby. the main problem a person can have (other than bone marrow disease) is thinking they know it all. JULY 24. 2007 Australian Culture Lessons #1 Like I've said before. all.. so I hired on this Australian guy. Awright. with dudes always crackin' lagers the size of tennis ball canisters. That way I could see how a real Australian handles a pod of meal wasps. devilishly wavy hair. I've got a pod 'a meal wasps settin' up shop in me kitchen alcove. Sure.] Listen mate. I'll set me handset down..Hey man! This is Ray Smuckles! I emailed you? From the thing? ROGER: Roight. what with my rugby shirts and mentions of slightly unkempt.210 TUESDAY. I've painted a pretty clear general picture of Australia. but it was cool. you know! ROGER: Bloody good idea.
COME 'ERE. huge buzzing sounds in the room] ME: [gets distracted. You don't hear back from me in five. ROGER: [boots clomp off. starts looking at a website about women] ROGER: [BLAM!] ME: Oooh! Ooh! You get him? The big guy? ROGER: Nahhh. I were just blowin' a wallaby off me mailbox. ROGER: [handset clanks on table] Aye. I'll be gone a minute. call the Koolaburra Station antidote unit. You'll keep an eye on 'im. man. I've got me knife through one 'a 'is wings. he is. I tell you. man. ME: You blew away a wallaby? They're hella cute. will you? ME: I'm on the phone. and he's mad as a cut snake. It's all gold to me. So — what's up with the wasps? . he was. Just do what you gotta do.211 into a right paste. I guess that's acceptable. ME: Well. dude! ROGER: Bastard were munchin' on me mail. got to fetch me shotgun. this main bloke here's the size of a lager. He'd probably die from magazine cologne samples anyway. YOU LOT! ME: Awesome. I'm Googling it right now. will you? ME: Definitely. ROGER: Right. man. right.
Me wife loves the stuff. Alright. Her 'ole 'ead's blowed off. I picked up a couple before the call. [BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! CRASH! POOSH! BLAM! BZZZRRRR! SPLAT! SPLOT! SPLOOT! STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP *STOOMP!*] ME: Dang. it's worse than that. [Cracks a lager] ROGER: [Sound of a lager cracking] . mate. I'll wait while you take care of business. ME: Just put new glass on the front of it and smooth the paper out with your finger. blast it. I've put a hole in the damned wedding photo. dude! You get 'em all? ROGER: Aw. Stands out like a shag on a rock. ROGER: Good on you.212 ROGER: They're right cranky. Got time for a lager? ME: Yeah. ME: That's tough. three infestations and it's still fit for Christmas. what can you do. ME: Dang. I ain't even think Photoshop can fix that one. now. But I've got old Bonnie Busket full 'a rock salt and that'll be the end of it. man. hates when she's got to paste a new patch up. man. ROGER: Eh. I can go two. ME: You shoot them with salt? ROGER: It's easier on the wallpaper. ROGER: Naw.
ME: What's for dinner tonight? ROGER: It's six in the bloody morning. . how's the economy down there? ROGER: Bloody good. I dunno. Steak. mate. innit. Life's beautiful. mate. ME: Wow.213 ME: So. ROGER: Big planet. it's only Tuesday here. It's Friday here. likely. Exports steady as ever.
Gin and tonic." . Oops. I just had a thought about Australians. Crooks. the eighteenth century. That's right . SEPTEMBER 02. people! They say the flight will be somethin' like three days. and possibly a birthday or a discreet fling. There's no tellin' when you're flyin' to the land down under.the Church of England was hella powerful at the time. maybe a couple hangovers. I'm six gin and tonics deep. I have a theory. though. You know how Australians are all about a big fat-ass crazy time. and they wanted everyone to be quiet and sit down and read that poem about roses. and we're just about taxiin' for takeoff. and that's who Australians are based on now. I'm gonna nick that copper's 'elmet and catch me the next dinghy t' perdition. like. please! Whoah. This England 'ere's a right dud geezer. Bad news. Their reputation is that in. always havin' fun and crackin' twelve-inch lagers and just shootin' a gun at a big dirt hill? England exported all of its fun people! Stay with me. so I am all kinds of jazzed. we're takin' off! That's gotta be a first for United. so I'm gettin' all set up for a nice long nap." so it's back to the hangar. 2007 On the plane to Australia! I'm writin' this to you on the plane to Australia! We left the gate at San Francisco around four hours ago. The plane got to the runway but the pilots noticed they didn't have readings from their "Hackmer-Preda valve monitors. if I 'ave to keep me arse planted through one more go of that poem about the bleedin' red rose.214 SUNDAY. mate. here. That's a rough one. Future Australians were havin' none of it! They were like. England sent all their "criminals" to live in Australia. Wow. "Awright.
I got a book about drivin' with the steerin' wheel on the wrong side.. (That information was on TV.215 Just like that. I'm stoked. Australia. Australians got themselves taken outta' England and put where the sun does shine — and you know what? Australians have never produced a single poem.the hangar ain't got no replacement Hackmer-Preda valve monitor cable.. and a computer keyboard that has that special key that prints out ".. English people are sitting around eating cold trout dishes in a room where every single surface has a different flower print on it. and their pasty youth are dyin' of Jamie Oliver School Dinners starvation.) Alright. I'm divin' in. just like the Pied Piper. The keg? An ice silo of lager. mate.they gonna need to get more gin from SkyMeal or whatever that white truck with the lift is. We gonna cuddle-scrum 'til the night is cashed.. Uh oh. Back in the motherland. It's a point of national pride. here I come. I may be writin' to you from this plane for another twelve hours. England's loss? You bet. they say! That's." When this 747 lands. England is runnin' outta poems. and Australians are barbecuing whole lambs over the fossilized bones of a fifteen hundred pound paleolithic ant. Australia. I'm gonna open my arms during the whole descent! That's how much I'm already lovin' you. .
until your body gives. and SLAM. twist. they steam so that the top cooks real nice as well. I know it takes time to plan and all. (Don't use that line . My wild technique finally caught up with my elbow. I call ™ on that shit. and he may be right. Hell of makes me . On just a basic day I'll get the griddle nice and warm and rock some sunny-side up under a — get this — pan lid! You put like a spoonful of water under the lid with some cookin' eggs and voila. 'cause he stone cold blew this year's weddin' season. Look at me. my old man once said.216 TUESDAY.gettin' damn good at cookin' eggs.. Proof enough: don't wale unless you can assail. He's sayin' all this stuff about how my serve was never properly molded in its early stages. three times out of ten. brochitches? Dudes. What else is new. Toss. Or.I may need it for an album. wait. 2007 What the hell. and pivot. I kind of made it a priority this summer.... but it can and will happen. Waves and sand ain't so dear as pews and a band..) Other than that.. wait.toss. It's a hard lesson.. People even been commenting. I been servin' hard and loose since the first few years of my game—I'm talkin' kid ages—when I had my own ideas about how to wallop a mofo. my boy Roast Beef has got to get action-style on a wedding plan. With my damn arm. slam. I been workin' on it with Przepošc down at the club. And that's just enough to keep you alive. Ray Smuckles could bring the heat.. wait. I'm still subscribin' to Martin Song's Word-a-la-Daaay site) a little more they could of at LEAST done some quick thing out on the beach. and variatin' between too many serve techniques.I'm hella rockin' some tennis elbow lately. SEPTEMBER 18. Sometimes: SLAM. and jump. but if that cat had lucubrated (yeah. He thinks I been servin' way too hard. think. hop.
I ain't even know why. Whoah. .217 happy. That is a stone chill we ain't get to often enough now that he's tucked in with Molly. almost forgot Beef was comin' over to watch some Sopranos with me.we havin' spaghetti and meatballs from Spiedore's and I got a phone to find. Got to run .
but then I was like. way energetic. meetin’ people. 2007 Finally Airborne! Daaaamn. and I am hella plussed. I think it’s one of their traditionals. Definitely nice. After that they announced it was time for dinner. Since it’s such a long flight. I’m pourin’ one out for Emily Post. I got two plus signs for eyes. Somethin’ about a little Koala who goes to the store but can’t produce the right change and he gets booted. here. better not have two moons dukin’ it out near the hot chick.218 THURSDAY. so all of us up in first class scrambled back to our seats and hella feasted on filets mignon and whole grilled pompano on the bone. you know. When I went to shake the dude’s hand he spun around and mooned me so hard I almost passed out from laughter! That thing was like less than a foot from my face. I’m gonna write a letter when I get back. and they were pourin’ the ’93 Pétrus. Here’s how the flight’s gone so far: DAY ONE Took off from San Francisco International Airport. wiry. Basic manners. . everyone seemed to know it but me. Turns out I’m sittin’ next to one of the main chicks in Australia (a model? can’t tell). This level of service is high-steppin’. OCTOBER 11. folks loosen up. At altitude I started cruisin’ around the passenger area. He’s totally what you’d expect — little. and also this top race car driver they got named Angus Walliams. break out the guitars and straw-bottle chianti and stuff. people! We actually airborne and on the way to bad old Australia! United Airlines. so we got much classed and ended up in a circle on the floor singin’ a folk song. and it had an intensity! I thought about gettin’ another moon goin’ on right back at him. and full of pranks.
I ask you... After we got the sketches done and discussed the legal angles for a while.Corwin’s got plans for a par-9 hole! Almost half a mile of fairway woods. Americans love the phrase “shrimp on the barbie.”) For about an hour and a half the first class cabin was filled with really nice stereo music while we brunched on prawn cocktail. Fell asleep before the chick got back to her seat.” but no one’s ever capitalized on it in the US. Turns out he’s in real estate and wants to open the world’s longest golf course! Australia’s definitely the place. and we came up with some bomb trade ideas. especially where specialty grilling utensils are concerned. it was. but imagine havin’ an empty United States to yourself. but I’m hopin’ she saw me conductin’ business and was swayed by my manly authority. There was also this rad side dish of potatoes. omelettes. and that it was time for stereo music. Texas people think they like big.. For example. When I woke up. it is time for Stereo Music. these are gonna put MAXIMUM flavor on the shrimp. She was on the phone a lot.219 Fell asleep with my leg over the chick’s leg but we didn’t talk much. there’s no reason aside from limited imagination. waffles and champagne.. why can’t golf have longer holes? To hear him tell it. DAY TWO The captain said we were well over the Pacific by this point. (“Ladies and Gentlemen in our first class accommodations. Am I buzzed? Should I say that? . We blueprinted some proprietary shrimp grilling skewer/baskets. and I got to tell you. I ended up just hangin’ with this one guy Corwin and shootin’ the breeze about golf. Later in the day a couple of the guys and I started talkin’ about US/Australia business relations.
220 DAY THREE Pilot says we’re within sixteen hours of landin’. so I'm gonna get current on shark attacks and parliament and stuff. . but how many times can you say the same thing to the same guy who’s goin’ to the same bathroom for the thirty-eighth time? It’s like we basically know each other at this point. Time to start gettin’ serious about Australia. Flash memory sticks. Seriously. The printers onboard just started shootin’ out the cover stories from the Daily Telegraph. and earbuds. I’m startin’ to get cabin fever up here. We havin’ fun. I guess I’ll start gatherin’ up all my laundry. and it’s kind of awkward.
they got a “highly suggested” toast breakfast ‘til noon each day. Looks like I’m bookin’ a room in the Harold Holt Surf-Inn and Lodge. get a different job. I actually fell out of love a little bit. in case somethin’ came up. lookin’ around for limos and hotels and stuff. Those shoes hell of put me in a bad Minnesota bedroom. I was gonna give it all up to the airport greeter chick just now. Anyhow. not too swank. you know. I didn’t want to plan any of this.. but damn. the airline chick who greeted me as I came up the gangway was HELL of tight. like with a humidifier and a fifty year-old career waitress named Bladge. I can skip the . I figure if I get up late enough. and you could TOTALLY tell what her dad looked like! That’s a neat thing about Australian chicks. BALONEY! I am NOT losin’ interest in Australia already! That was a bogus blip. She was hella gorgeous. and I think I’m gonna rent out my place back in the States asap so I can go local indefinitely! First of all. when I saw her lame-ass black nurse shoes and uneven-opacity black hose. Plus.. but she went on some kind of break and I got to tell you. and I’m totally outta my mind! Everything is mad different here. and I almost went down on one knee when she clasped her hands and gave me that “G’day! Weyww-k’m tew ausstray-weeyah!” line.says it’s right on the beach.221 WEDNESDAY. OCTOBER 17. but it’s on some prime water. For example. 2007 On the Ground in Ozzieland! I’m on the ground in Australia. I’m plopped down in the airport computer area now. if you’re gonna be fine.alright.. doggs! All blonde hair pulled back real simple into a hot bun. and I got much designs on breakin’ out the board.. I know she just wears ‘em for her function. all tanned face. although it can be weird at first.
toast breakfast and sneak past the little guy in the office. I’ll be spendin’ at least forty five minutes gettin’ my hair all tousled in the local manner, especially the first day...that can definitely buy me a ticket past noon. At that point, it’s just a nice leisurely lunch of steaks and crispy cold ones at a local café, and then I’m off to the surf! I am hell of stoked about sittin’ in the sand, crackin’ lagers with some of the local blokes, and pissin’ in areas which are behind large storm wreckage (but still pretty close to the main beach). Alright, my guy Mr. Hoshi from Hoshi’s Bonzer Limo just texted that he’s outside with the livery vehicle. Just got to make a few stops to pick up a board, some Sex Wax, and some steaks for the hotel room, and he’ll drop me at the Inn. I’m tellin’ you, the air here alone has just got me all kinds of jammed. It is SO not America. I feel like anything can happen! In America, things usually can’t happen, but down here, I get a way different vibe. Maybe it’s because the police cars look like something your cheap uncle would rent in Hawaii. Seriously, Australia, get decent police cars and a national anthem that didn’t come programmed as the demo on the keyboard. I can help with this. I am at the Harold Holt Surf-Inn and Lodge for the next month, paid in advance.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2007
At the Hotel in Sydney!
Alright mates, I'm all checked in to the Harold Holt Surf-Inn and Lodge, and I got to tell you, the clerk bugged me from the second I walked into the place. He's this real scrawny guy in actual prescription aviators, and he had his nose buried in this little novelty-size Bible when I pulled on up to the counter. RAY: Whoah, dude! Tiny Bible you got there! CLERK: Excuse me? I think it's a perfectly fine size for a Bible. RAY: Oh, sorry. I thought you were gonna come back at me with somethin' like, "It ain't the size of the Bible, it's the way you apply its lessons." I mean, I put that one on a tee for you, dude. CLERK: [reluctantly sets down Bible] Are you checking in, then? RAY: Hey, your name tag says Harold! You the guy this place is named after? HAROLD: It's a coincidence. RAY: Must bug you, all these folks comin' in askin' if you're Harold Holt, huh? HAROLD: No one in Australia would ever think that I am Harold Holt. They chalk it up to coincidence and then typically get on with checking in. RAY: I get you, I get you. [Unsuccessfully fishes around for ID and credit cards.] Huh, can't find anything. I called from the airport?
HAROLD: ID and credit card, please. RAY: Yeah, uh, I can't find that stuff. [Offers handshake] Gentleman's bond? HAROLD: It is not my job to tell you this, but those things appear to be tucked beneath the arm of your glasses. RAY: [feels] Oh! Dang. I must have done that. Here you go. HAROLD: [picks up the cards resentfully, using just the tips of two fingers] You'll be staying for our toast breakfast, I take it? It's highly suggested. RAY: Yeah, uh, about that. No. HAROLD: Toast breakfast is served from seven AM until noon. Please bring your identification. RAY: You know, you're the first guy I've met in Australia who never says "mate." Even Hoshi was sayin' mate, and the dude's from Honshu. HAROLD: Here is your room key. You're in 29b, up the stairs, overlooking the beach, as you requested. RAY: Okay, then! [Pause] I'll just carry these bags myself? HAROLD: Unless you'd like to revisit the lobby every time you need a clean shirt or socks, that is probably the wisest course of action. Clearly I didn't like the guy too much, and I was pretty sure he didn't like me, so why was he tryin' to keep me around for toast breakfast so bad? Anyhow, I set up my room the way I like it, with all the clothes put in the
drawers, the toiletries fanned out all nice on the bathroom counter, and the pen layin' crosswise on the writin' pad on the desk. Classes up a hotel room to act like a traveler of yore, you dig? Next thing I knew I woke up on the floor and it was sixteen hours later — nine in the damn morning! Man, jet lag hit me like a beast! I felt great, havin' slept so hard, and realized that I did NOT want to sit in the hotel room until noon just to avoid the toast breakfast. "To hell with it," I thought to myself, "I'll just say no thanks. People do that all the time." I spruced up for a walk around town, dabbed some Obsession on my wrists, and headed through the lobby. Harold leaned out of a doorway and waved me over. HAROLD: You're just in time for our toast breakfast. Come, come. RAY: Oh, man. Dang. Forgot my identification, dude. Tomorrow, for sure. HAROLD: It's alright, I remember you. Come, come. RAY: Oh, jeez. Uh, okay. Cut me off if I start in with the sea shanties, will you? I went into the little dining-type room and sat down. There wasn't any food out, and there was just one big grumpy-lookin' guy hunched over with his back to me (I don't know how I could tell his mood, but it seemed obvious). I could hear him crunching away, so I sat and waited. Harold came in pretty quick with a big plate of dry toast, maybe sixteen pieces, and set it down in front of me. RAY: Wow, that's a lot of toast. I usually just have two pieces. You got any main dishes?
HAROLD: We sell a very special product for your toast here. Have you looked over by the fireplace? RAY: [Looks] Huh! A little pyramid of three small jars that ain't got no labels! If I'd known THAT was gonna be there, I'd have looked sooner! HAROLD: It is a sustainable, single-origin, organic, artisan, Marmite-type product. I collect and package it myself. RAY: Marmite-type product? HAROLD: Sixteen dollars eighty. You'll be amazed. It's a revolution that's going to set the toast world on its ear. My particular product's name is Marmold. As in, Harold's Marmite-type Product. RAY: [thinks to self] Well, I'm gonna be here for a week, I basically have to buy this idiot's stuff. [Aloud] Okay, put a few of 'em on my tab. HAROLD: You won't be disappointed. [Unscrews one for me] Just spread this on your toast, and ring the bell when you're out of either. [Leaves.] RAY: [Sniffs contents of jar] Whoah, who peeled out on a bottle of soy sauce! GRUMPY MAN: This stuff is bleedin' ambrosia. Don't knock it or I'll tin your cock, I will. Okay, so now I got three jars of Marmold sittin' in my room. Maybe after my walk around town I'll see if I can chuck 'em as far as the ocean. I'm headin' out now for some steaks and Fosters and probably gonna set up shop on the beach after I make some friends.
or the hip hop single Fuck Tha Police. one by one. This being the case. and takes a hard open-handed slap at the dude's mouth. everyone will feel great glee and carry him around the house on their shoulders. Ergo. he will cause his friends great glee.) THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK This one is best done to metal. You take Fritos — those rectangle corn chips half the size of a stick of gum — and tuck them vertically inside his lips. I wrote much plans for Roast Beef's bachelor party in this cool retro-lookin' leather bound notebook I picked up at Restoration Hardware today. I even wrote 'em all out with a fountain pen. in case it might be a thing I can present to him like on their fiftieth wedding anniversary. and it ain't for the Emily Post crowd. It's a good way to raise money for the honeymoon. (Incidentally. This one's kind of rough on the gums. steps back. I learned this trick at junior college one night. usin' my best scrawl. Here are some of the party ideas I scritted down: THE DUDE FLUSHES THE TOILET This is kind of advanced. in front of his teeth. because of the water levels and the siphon at the base and stuff — you ain't need to pull the handle. if we can fill Beef up with so much beer that he can "flush the toilet" without touching the handle. if a dude voids enough liquid into the toilet to make it flush itself. 2007 Beef's Bachelor Party .HARD PLANS. each friend at the party tucks five bucks into the guy's shirt pocket. OCTOBER 31.227 WEDNESDAY. like Hell Bent For Leather. The idea is this: when a toilet gets filled to a certain point. Replace chips . and the PERFECT thing to do to this music. Then. so that he gets a toasty yellow grill like a boxer's mouth guard. it will automatically "flush" itself.
as they break. COOKING LESSONS WITH NICK LEFABRE At the Community Center. Nick LeFabre has carved out a profitable local business by teaching dudes how to cook food that wives like to eat. In this class Nick says that wives like to watch fat and calories while still feeling special, and shows some signature dishes: cranberry preserve on lemon-rubbed toast; summer pea spoonfuls with thrice-blanched black pepper. (This would be more like one that me and the guys wouldn't go to, kind of a morning thing for Beef only.) Daaamn. Lookin' over this thing, seems all we need is a pony, a shotgun, and a place to hide the body. Bachelor party, we COMIN' FOR YA!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 08, 2007
Problem at the Hotel.
Man, you ain't gonna believe this. Remember those jars of Marmold, the artisan Marmite I got talked into buying last time? Well, after I bought 'em and put 'em in my room, I strutted around in town for a while, but it was kind of quiet, so I went back to the hotel to chill with a gimlet and gaze over the beach until everyone got off work. Like I said, I had made a contest with myself to see if I could chuck the jars all the way to the water, which is about thirty yards from my balcony. I set my gimlet on the railing, wound up, and let the first one fly. Pretty close -- it hit the sand about five yards shy of the foam line and sent up a nice little plume of fine-grained sand. It was kind of beautiful, in a way -- like the sort of thing a National Geographic photographer would shoot with an ultra-fast exposure: a corona of sand rising up in an amazing pattern as the shiny brown jar, in perfect focus, touches down. The second jar landed about the same distance, so I did a couple push-ups (bad idea - hella tomato sauce burnin' in the throat) before goin' for the third and final throw. For some reason, I really wanted this one to hit the water -- I guess it was my own small way of conquerin' Australia. I leaned hard into the third pitch, visualized it landin' in the surf, and let 'er rip. I guess there was a little ledge in the sand that I couldn't see, because as soon as I let go, the grumpy guy from the toast room stood up from nowhere, shirtless, and yawned. My screamin' jar of Marmold smacked right into the side of his body, between the love handle and the armpit, and I could hear the slap all the way from the
balcony. Damn did it look like it stung. Before I could figure out what was happening, he turned, fixed his eyes on me, sneered, and started to walk real slow and angry back toward the hotel. I had to think quick. I ran into town and ducked into a bar, where I ordered a beer real quick and sat in a bathroom stall with my feet on the seat. Unbelievably, the toast dude stormed in and started knockin' open the door to each can. I was trapped. When he kicked my door and it didn't open he yelled, "CORR! MUST BE BROKEN!" and continued on down the line, kicking the rest of the doors. I nipped on my beer for a while (in my hurry, I had ordered Export Gold, which is horrible) and then eventually poured it directly into the loo, savin' my body the trouble. It's totally bad that I already have an enemy in Australia, but it's a big place. Maybe tomorrow I'll rent a Caddie and go to Queensland -- since it's their northeast, it's probably more sophisticated, like our New England and Boston and all that. The dude I hit with the jar probably wouldn't go to a place like that.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2007
Queensland On My Mind
Alright, so as soon as I could make out that the grumpy guy who I hit with the Marmold bottle had taken off, I skedaddled from Sydney. Locked my hotel door, avoided Harold, and rented an Enzo to scoot me on up to Queensland. Bought some Dinkie Dots and Gatorade at a “petrol,” set my sights on Cunnamulla, and let ‘er rip. Once I passed the border into Queensland I felt like stoppin’ for some proper steak and potatoes, but there wasn’t a lot goin’ on. I pulled into a pretty rural petrol station (the Enzo eats gas like you wouldn’t believe) and started at the pump. This younger dude in overalls and no shirt sat on the porch dippin’ what looked like a chicken thigh bone into a baggie that had somethin’ like soft aspic in it (aspic is that sort of clear chicken Jell-O that happens around a roast chicken carcass if you put it on a plate in the fridge overnight). He’d suck the aspic off the bone and dip it again, starin’ at me the whole time. Hell of uncomfortable, and I could swear I heard a didgeridoo playin’ “Dueling Banjos.” I pumped exactly twenty bucks, tucked that much cash into the handle, and zoomed off. The next problem came when I got to Bodge Cranny Township, a little one-dog map dot maybe an hour outside ‘a Charleville. The guys runnin’ the outdated pump were gassed to the nines, sittin’ around in lawn chairs on the asphalt, and just givin’ me decades of sass. One guy even said it was likely that I was an idiot, based on my shoes and head, but on reflection he was definitely in his cups and meant nothing by it. I finally topped off the Enzo, but I was outta cash, so I had to mix with them to pay. The main attendant, this dude with a sleeveless Chevron oxford under his
overalls, spat and waved me into the office. To be cool, I bought a pack of smokes and a sixer of somethin’ called “XXXX.” I guess it’s dumb that they have beer with more X’s than Japanese porn, but maybe that makes them think that they’re having an incredible amount of fun. The dude let me off after just a couple more insults and I screeched away. I saw some of the smoke from my tires go into the nose of their dog, so I hope the dog got sick from that. From here I’m headed to Barcaldine, which is a place on the map. I’ll check in with you soon, if I can. Things feel weird up here.
Man. "This ain't nothin'. but it was pretty dried out. I'm straight-up monk dimin'. This was a gravestone of a day." you think. I got an ice cream." But that's over-reaction. Here's the story. but I knew that wouldn't help me. I'm like. I see it plain as day." But that's denial. A tombstone. I got a pistachio macaroon. I wanted to want spaghetti bolognese. but I couldn't like it. That's the obvious thing. 2007 crazy bad news. After that comes the appeal to science. So we start the 'do. the spot's small. I can cover it no problem. Like the numbers in one of those old-timey cash registers. I'm monk dimin'. But you read the warnings on the side of the box and you quickly learn that it has hella dubious side effects: . I was in Thaddeus's chair. "I'll get some 'a that Rogaine. I can comb it here and there. can't even capitalize Doggs. I walked down the sidewalk of life. and he's kind of stiff the whole time. My hairstylist extraordinaire. I got a damn bald spot the size of a damn dime. and when he spins me around with the mirror so I can approve the back of my new haircut. Maybe you didn't hear me. Then I'm like. I had to deal. and a tombstone popped up outta the ground in front of me. kind of distant. My guy.233 TUESDAY. DECEMBER 04. My thoughts are crazy. "I'll shave my whole head.
so I'll work it in at some 19th hole and see what the done thing is.. Nine out of ten men experienced aggressive hair loss after using this product. . I'm sorry.234 1. Some of the guys at the club are monk dimin' or worse. if you pluggin'.they look like buck hair. I've seen lots of pluggin' photos on the internet. including on people they were merely shaking hands with Also. I got to regroup. this was way too personal. Plus. doggs. You can no longer smell artichokes (I love artichokes) 3. You won't remember math (not a deal breaker) 2. you always chasin' the border from the inside out. So obvious. I can't imagine hair pluggin'. and the hair plugs are spaced so far apart they look like buck teeth.. you know. I mean.
I was sold. Feng-schway? That what they call it? Anyhow. a second later would have seemed rude. but when he did. you know.235 WEDNESDAY. little letters said Silas Dong. this particular place showed a three-panel set of drawings where the top of a guy's head goes from totally empty of hair to completely covered again. JANUARY 16. so I decided to go lookin' east. I been monk dimin' for over a month now. he just welcomed me into this real comfy chair. I could tell he greeted me at the perfect time to make me feel at home. On the classic old-school frosted glass door panel. it's been rough. since I ain't know the first thing about this kind of medicine. just Chinesin' around. I can't remember the last time I did home improvement — look what I'm driven to. if you think about it. I cold turkeyed it. Like I was sayin' last time. underneath the Asian writing. just walkin' into the first place I saw in Chinatown that seemed to have anything to do with hair — in fact. Very few men can really say hello. Silas was sittin' in the corner of the small front room. I even uninstalled the 3-way mirror in the bathroom so I wouldn't be tempted to stare at the bald spot and obsess or fret over it. I was a little nervous goin' in. this place had it in spades. at his desk. lookin' at Internet and stuff. I didn't even say my name or anything. kind of like a recliner with . He played the hello to a T. Just 'cause it's a little weird and different don't mean they ain't figured a few things out over there in China. He didn't greet me right away. A second sooner would have seemed anxious. but right away the place had a real calm vibe. 2008 The deal with my hair. Western medicine is pretty much useless when it comes to hair-regrowth technology. and my mind has been all over the place. Hair and Skin. you know.
After about fifteen or so pricks I started to feel—I don't know how to say it—like my juices were alive. stick it real delicately into a part of my foot or back. he had all these lit candles on a cafeteria tray. It was really relieving.236 the top half of the back missing. and the careful way he had examined my head. and pretty soon he seemed to have satisfied himself. "Three hundred dolla. He must have been consulting charts or something. We got down to tacks immediately. then he must have had a solution in mind. all like havin' me with a clipboard for half an hour checkin' "no" in every single disease column (except glasses). calm way. and get on to the next needle. He also had me take my shoes off. I could tell by his confidence. because right before I went in he asked me my birthday. and that the particular heat of the needles was important to where he stuck them. and it didn't actually hurt like you'd think it would. When he did come in. and started examining and massaging my scalp. Sounded good to me. I sat in there for a few minutes and relaxed. He said the different candles burned at different temperatures. It was nice — he wasn't into all kinds of insurance papers and stuff. that three hundred dollars was EXACTLY what he knew to charge for my precise condition." he said in a professional. He made some thoughtful noises while he was examinin' my dime. Like my body had gotten an important phone call it had forgotten . I nodded. Each needle brought almost a welcome release from wherever he stuck it. and a little jar of needles. because if he could set a price to it so clearly. just two men with no nonsense between them. He'd heat a needle up. and he had me take my shirt off and go into a back room where I got on my tummy on a regular sort of doctor's examination table.
Faith. I'm pretty blissed on the dude and his services so far. so I'm sure I'll have some updates soon. Dong wouldn't let me pay him after the first visit — I always like that. Respect. It's one of those business features you ain't see too much any more: trust. what if seein' Dong solves my problem? What if I don't have to monk dime? . God.237 to expect? I don't want to sound like a crazy man but I even feel like my dime tingled a little bit. We'll see what happens.
Last time I wrote I had just started with Silas Dong. and I was all jazzed about his acupuncture-type therapy and immense personal calmness. man. man! What did you DO?! What have I DONE?!" I even knelt on the floor for a second. but he . On a small center ring was the date of my first visit.) Phyllis is a hair re-GROWTH specialist (I even wrote down the word re-GROWTH? on a note pad and underlined it and she smiled and nodded). 2008 The Story of My Hair.238 SUNDAY.. and he beamed when he showed me I had "grown" two full rings since then. Man. A SPECIALIST IN MAKING YOU LOSE YOUR HAIR. (I guess a lot of honkeys mess up when choosin' Chinese therapies. APRIL 27.. I figured that Chinese stuff got read right-to-left. I. you know. Silas Dong was a hair loss specialist. what a log ride it's been with this bald spot of mine.naw. He sized up the situation pretty quick. goin' from totally empty of hair to totally covered again? I read it wrong. He got really confused when I started yellin'. Phew. See. the opposite from our way. because it was written left-to-right. the one with the three pictures of the top of a dude's head. alright. Remember that sign I told you about in his window. covering my dime with my hands and wonderin' if I was gonna cry. I tried to hand Silas the three hundred I owed him. I almost had a heart attack when I went in for my second session and he proudly showed me a clear template with rings on it. Turns out I basically read the sign backwards. In about six seconds he had handed me his sister's card. "No. Phyllis Dong. with the full-head-of-hair guy gradually gettin' balder in each panel. so they have these things at the ready. that random hair and skin doctor I found in Chinatown.
and I never think the dude is baldin' or dodgin'. and I've already grown back the two rings I lost. but I'm confident somethin' will come of it. I seen some large cowlicks in my time. pushin' my hand back. I wonder if Clooney has a cowlick in the back. I figure.." I slipped the cash under a legal pad on his desk. . so I just shook his hand and headed a few doors down to his sister's office. Chochachos. I know he knew I did that. Re-growing the stuff that went before Silas is takin' more time.time to get on Google Images. and thanks for all the letters of support in my dark time. Her technique is basically the same. so when he turned around to get me a copy of his card "in case I should ever reconsider. I'll be happy if my dime gets small enough so that Thaddeus can style it like a super-intense cowlick. See you later..239 was all wise and smilin' about it.
Mr. and the teacher has to make it fun. but their homeless people wear fingerless gloves. you know. and then things started to go downhill for him. except that Napoleon got shot at Waterloo (not true). so I remembered that some of the guys at the club do Super School once in a while. 'cause you're essentially a customer. since in those days doctors were like. and materials can be expensive. MAY 11. Instead of teachers sayin' what's important.Louie the Sun King. After a few lessons the teacher. Lewey? . but keep reading. The teacher also has to be flexible.) I was like. it costs some pretty serious scratch. I can tell that you are not really into this. like we all had to go to. was like. like to learn machine gun theory or how planes work and stuff. though. MR FLUÉT: Ray. French history really ain't nothin' to get too worked up about.. ME: What? MR FLUÉT: Can you turn down your iPod for a minute? ME: Oh! Uh. I'm sorry. I been goin' to what they call Super School. I made some calls and pretty soon I was enrolled. 'Bullets? What are those? Is that kind of a new thing?'" That made me decide to learn French history. (Yeah. but regular school never floated my boat too hard.. 2008 I'm Sorry. Anyhow. you decide what you want to study. you heard of it? It's like a school. Fluét.240 SUNDAY. but I just been havin' the greatest time lately. but it's for adults. "I know basically nothin' about France. Basically they're like everybody else.
fluét he threw a battery at me but we were hlla.nachos that cn. He tried to break out that chart of the different wine-producin' areas of France (Champagne.dry/wet. and we picked up a few cases of primo vino down at Cask'n'Bladder (that's what I call Provini's.where'd fluééééét go that lightweight Viognier . the high-end liquor store over by the meat place.kinda black and raw. totally good '81 Chateau Mouton Rothschild .belgian beer hella flavorful all 10. invisible splash of pepper (v.wow. south of the stadium). "outdoor" wine Amarone . laughin all silly Nachos alla Meeting .DAAMN this wine did a handstand in my mouth (mouth went up + down 3X while open) Gewurtztraminer . 'teach. faint) Vouvray .oh he was at his car getting batteries (?) Lambrusco . He FedEx'd us up a Nez du Vin kit.241 MR FLUÉT: TURN DOWN YOUR IPOD ME: [turns down iPod] Sorry. Here are my notes from our first tasting: Pomerol . be prepared . Bordeaux. and it got much more interesting after that. etc) but pretty soon it was clear that I wanted to focus on the flavor "profiles.crisp apples with deprecated rapeseed Ketel One (my idea) Gulden Draak . sweet. that thing with all the different major aromas in little bottles." and not a bunch of map stuff that I'd forget or consider boring. wine + cherries.how did this get in here was what the hell leave it for the janitor's wedding or some shit Pinot Noir .5%'n it Woodbridge Sauvignon Blanc . 'Sup? We decided that my class in French history should turn into one of those classes where you train your nose and palate to identify the tastes in wine.
I don't even remember leavin' school for home that night. Ain't heard from Mr. . I think he got kind of a head on from the Ketel. Fluét.. I'll call him in a week after I decide what I want to learn next..musta' walked.242 quietly during a meeting usin MRE technology Damn. 'cause I had to go back and pick up the Escalade the next afternoon.
garlic shrimp on toasted rounds with olive purée and feta. confident place] Eat up. and it looks damn good. Mr. You are a good dogg. all. . They say no cheese with seafood. it was good to see Beef and Molly kickin' around the pool again today after that long-ass honeymoon... [an hour passes] Damn. plus no shirt] Man that is a fine plate.. but they do a lotta talkin'.I been watchin' this bald guy Mark Bittman on TV. and GROSS caesar dressing. "Gross" means the illest new form of kindness. and Beef is hella in place! Witness: -+RAY: Check out these GROSS crostini I whipped up for us! Even did some little prosciutto roses. Smuckles.I'ma do. Maybe I'll whip up a little crostini platter lunch for all of us. still in relax mode and gettin' some rays. I just got back from havin' crostinis with the new couple. hearts of romaine. I will also do a thing with some three-ballin' white anchovies. 2008 The Beef is back in town! Man.. RAY: [notices that Beef is in a calm. by the way. Ray! This is totally nice! I love the little cocktail swords! BEEF: [has Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses on. I'ma do a. he flies to Spain and eats really small pieces of food. Looks like they got a thirst on for piña coladas! They are out sittin' in my trick teak chaise lounges.. JULY 30. so it's bust-out time.. didgeridoo! Nice hat. can you dig it? MOLLY: Wow! Thanks.243 WEDNESDAY.
It's gonna be fun talkin' with the new Beef. I can see what the fuss is about with these creatures. We pulled the RV into this big mall and he went right into this "Lids" baseball hat store and bought a Yankees cap. RAY: Valued at $1. Good for him. BEEF: The Yankees got much money. . all..2 billion. This an anchovy? RAY: White anchovy. chews] Damn now that is a mild anchovy. I bite into a regular anchovy. It suits a man. these are wonderful. And what's on those little watermelon cubes? Is that. all oily and rancid. MOLLY: Oh. I go into a state. BEEF: [bites.. His talk came from a place of calmness. It's like he found this one disc he can stand on in the universe. dogg! BEEF: Yep. Mild as hell. Delicate. You got to try it. That is fine.tomato pulp? -+See? See? The dude is changed up a bit. Not this time. MOLLY: I couldn't believe it. Not the nasty stuff. a place where he has some balance.244 BEEF: I been wearin' hats.
simmered-up black-eyed peas with nothing more than salt and butter. Anyhow. this is what I am thankful for this year: 1. but I know this helps a lot of people in apartments. For a while I was just lost in the woods.245 FRIDAY. 5. and plastic bags for every takeout order. just me and T and Beef and Molly and Lyle and lil' old Philippe. My own awareness that most taco places ain't "green. 2008 Thanksgiving 2008. plastic cups. Mine hasn't. Man. because usually the hand motion of hangin' one's self is enough. Connie was off with his dang old new somethin'. Pat turned to me and started explainin' their own plans while behind him Rod pretended to hang himself with a baguette. 4. It helps me not go to taco places. but try havin' somethin' new to say every day when the only thing you been doin' is chuckin' empties into the pool and hittin' golf balls into a lawn shed ("Raymond! Do not DO that!"). I love the old gal. It seemed pretty amateur for a dude who is pretty much an actor. Sorry if this goes on. and when I saw Pat and Rod at Andronico's and invited them. foil. 3. 2. I am thankful that stereos have gotten smaller. which in turn keeps me from rockin' a sick bubble-chub at the waistline. He didn't need to use the baguette. signing . NOVEMBER 28. I am thankful that I seem to care about Prime Time again. I had it large on Thanksgiving. I am thankful that I have an appreciation of good. The actual deal itself was small. I am thankful that my mom ain't been callin' too much lately." and use tons of styrofoam.
I'm glad to say that this morning at 9am I called VeePee An' Tha Psickeninn' Psocciety and told them that their contract had expired due to inactivity. but when you think about it. The call actually went pretty well. 7. doubting my taste. I am thankful that there have been no news stories about kittens bein' harmed lately. 6. Dude needs to feel comfortable just comin' in. I am thankful that my boy Beef is comin' over for some stick in about. Beef. -=Ray=- .. and I'm going to play tennis with their graphic designer next week.246 some pretty lame acts. Jesus. I ain't so into kids. the most they should get is yelled at — NEVER harmed. there's the knock on the sliding glass door.oh.. Lastly. I am thankful that you read this! And this.
and I got to bring hard game so I don't just come off like some half-cocked hokey American suck-up who watches too much Godfather and thinks goombahs are the best. There's a point where you're a groupie. There's a new basic Italian dude in town! I hella love the guy. DECEMBER 12. I really don't want to screw it up. not that white sauce freezer crap that gets broiled under a jet engine in the servin' dish. He does me up some real light-quality lasagna at lunch. but way committed to quality. when they always doin' this and that and gettin' you a Negroni and the chef fries you up some calamari and it ain't on your tab. and he rocks some nacky gold nugs -. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go there for dinner tonight. I ain't like me nothin' more than an Italian who knows you're in for the game. That shit is probably more complicated than Japanese bowin'. but there's also a point where you're a made regular. His name's Vito.the sauce almost so light you want to put it in a champagne glass with some voddy D and a horseradish kiss and a staff-o-celery. It'll be recon: I got to pay attention tonight and figure out Italian man-huggin' behavior. and . you know.maybe three chains and a piece on each pinkie.247 FRIDAY. Next thing you know you're chillin' while they close. havin' a cig in the back door and helpin' them lose some wine that's gonna go bad before they open again. Dude has a touch. if I can say that about a man. when they invite you back into the kitchen. You know what I mean. Dude has gentle fingers. I ain't know the guy too close yet. 2008 I hella like this basic Italian dude. he runs this kitchen at this place Tre Otto. but I bet I get in on tight with him. That's when you really eat right. even though I been there the last four days in a row. but some real family tomato -. That's like what Larry David would do. Hilarious.
248 that dude gives me a damn ulcer. .