Doctor Devilish Devious Deed’s Henchmen on a Wednesday Afternoon By Dan Finnen

Copyright 2013 by Dan Finnen

This script is free to stage or shoot with written permission. Just send me an email at info (at) for the rights.

FADE IN: INT. DOCTOR DEVILISH DEVIOUS DEEDS EVIL LAIR Two evil henchmen wearing particularly evil clothing stand guard in front of a evil missile in a peculiarly evil factory. It is, however, their lunch break. ONE Gah! Baloney! TWO I thought you told her you didn’t like baloney. ONE I did. TWO Hm. ONE Trade? TWO Hm. ONE What you got? TWO ...I’ll trade you... ONE What do you have? TWO ...If you trade blindly. ONE What is it? TWO I’m not telling you! ONE Ah.

2. TWO Yes. ONE Hm. TWO Terms of the trade. ONE I can’t know what it is... TWO If you want to trade... ONE Blindly... TWO This is how it has to be. Pause. ONE Fine. They trade. ONE (cont’d) WHAT? TWO Baloney! ONE What is this? TWO What? ONE This! TWO Oh. That’s rat meat. ONE Oh. TWO Yeah. Pause.


ONE Is it good? TWO My wife makes tasty rat meat. ONE Where do you even get enough meat off a rat for a sandwich? TWO Sewer rats are like little chickens, they grow about a foot long and they’re full of tender meat. Just ignore the radioactive glow. ONE Tasty. TWO Indeed. Good trade. ONE Wait. If rat meat is so tasty, why did you trade me for baloney, which tastes terrible? TWO Maybe it’s just because I’m a good person. Pause. ONE You work here. There is no way. TWO Why can’t a good person work here? ONE In Doctor Devilish Devious Deed’s secret lab? TWO So what? ONE ...Wha!? TWO This is where I work. There was an ad in the paper. I answered it. I (MORE)


TWO (cont’d) am employed. I have two and a half kids. I put my parents in a home because I could. I have a dog that has impacted bowels. I AM A PRODUCTIVE MIDDLE CLASS CITIZEN. Pause. Some angry eating occurs on Two’s behalf. ONE YOU WORK FOR DOCTOR DEVILISH DEVIOUS DEEDS. You know what we’re guarding? TWO A missile. ONE Do you know what it does? TWO Blows stuff up. ONE It is specially designed to ONLY blow up ADORABLE BRITISH ORPHANS and PUPPIES! TWO WHAT!? ONE See? TWO That’s... That’s so... devilishly devious! ONE Exactly! TWO So... evil... ONE Yes. TWO However:


ONE What. TWO I did not make the missile. I guard it. ONE How’s that different? TWO Who are we guarding it from? Maybe we’re guarding it from being used. ONE YOU’RE GUARDING IT SO IT CAN BE USED! TWO MAYBE I DON’T BELIEVE THAT! ONE YOU ARE AN EVIL MINION! TWO I am a HUMAN BEING! I COUNT! ONE YOU ARE CANNON FODDER! TWO No! No! NO! I AM SPECIAL! Pause. Two bursts into tears. One stares. The tears just keep coming. One goes to comfort two. ONE C’mon you know I didn’t mean that. You are an individual. Look, only we were selected for this secret mission! See? You’re getting pretty high on the corporate ladder! TWO (through the last of his/her tears.) (MORE)


TWO (cont’d) ...Yeah... Yeah. ONE Perk up man. We got a missile to guard. TWO Yeah... thanks... you’re a good friend. ONE Right back at you pal. TWO Whew, that was quite a cry. ONE Yup. TWO Whew. Pause. Suddenly, DOCTOR DEVILISH DEVIOUS DEEDS runs past them with a maliciously evil looking gadget in his hands. The doctor shoots it at a SECRET AGENT that is pursuing him. The secret agent arrives at the henchmen, who haven’t even reacted to the situation yet. The secret agent promptly punches one in the face and throws him off the platform and down into a pit of fire, then kicks two and throws him/her over as well. As soon as this is done the agent exits after the doctor to save the world. Silence. It appears this scene is over. FADE OUT.