ALONE I am in the middle of my so-called NOWHERE. This is my place of betrayal.., of a desire that I once gulped but immediately vanished...

the dark, weary environment that sets the mood of loathsomeness.., of dull, gray feeling... ALONE... In the middle of the grayish sky...in the midst of the crowded city... Of rushing people...with cold faces... Seems no emotions at all. All I about to see are those variety of flat forms feet in haste noticing none but their comrade watches, the pressure of time. I wake up in the middle of idleness as people become in a deeper hurry as they plunge their umbrellas up and drops of rain wetted the little space Ive got outside a fancy restaurants wall of glasses. I look up the dark sky that lets its drops fall on my face. I hold my barren tin can with the clunking of few coins in it ,hold my bed carton and walk through the valley of towering building, in a small dark passagesearching for comfort. I stop outside the back door of a mini bakery and lay down my baggage right beside clutches of garbage cans and fix my carton bed in the unclouded small area. This time in this place... I would sore once again... I try to ignore my belching stomach and reckon a sleep where in my repeated dreams of the past I found guilt, of regret, of some sort of happiness... I fell asleep............ No... No..! Please dont leave Rayne, we can survive here right? Together! she sobbed. Dont touch me old woman! Cant you see Im tired of this old shanty house? ,..of peck of food once a day?! I replied. Please, my beloved daughter. Im doing everything at your will. Im getting loads of laundry just to send you to school..I dont buy medicines to save money for you! But then I continued packing up my clothes. And your making a deal out of it?! Then save it for yourself. I want to taste luxuries you can never give! Please get out of my way! I dont want to be stuck here! Id rather be alone than to be with the company of such a nasty old woman like you! Then I hurriedly left my teary, old mother, dumbfounded, with loads of fears for me. But I found happiness with the decision I made for myself. Really happy! I went in the gleaming lights of Manila that flashed through my glittery eyes. I swarmed over thousands of people rushing around the city as my feet mixed up with the people. My eyes glided beamingly all throughout buildings until it I noticed it was getting darker and I have to find myself some cozy bed for the chilly night. I knocked on the door of a two-storey building upon note was stamped saying: ROOM FOR RENT. A middle aged woman peered at me intently, surveying me. She seemed lacking of clothes because of her very short skirt and tube blouse that made her belly boosted out. I managed to mend the silence broken as I felt the awkwardness. I handed her the note and she just nodded. Three thousand a month with electricity and water, 500 down payment she told me while leading me to a room at the second

floor. I sighted several ladies at the moment I entered the main door... Ah heres your room. Then, she immediately grabbed a 500 peso bill on my hand the moment I took it out my tattered bag. And she left without anything to say. I sit at the side bed and breathe deeply. This is just the start I said with lousiness. Days had passed and my failed job search emptied my pocket. I was wishful but I had no luck. Then one evening, aunt Bella, our land lady, came forward noticing my direful day along. Want some job Rayne? she whispered as she tried blowing words out of her mouth full of gum. I stared at her reluctantly. Come with me 8pm. I just nodded and hurriedly came back to my room. A thought shivered my senses. Do I have any choice? Apparently, I didnt want to go back to that shanty with my old mother and claimed to be a loser. I counted my last money and I discovered that I can no longer afford another month of staying in aunt Bellas apartment. At the strike of quarter to eight. I had decided and wore my best attire- a faded jeans and a blurry pink blouse and before I had hold on the doors knob. The door had opened and it vomited aunt Bella with her dress more daring than usual. Ready? she said... Eer... Yes? I replied nervously as we headed toward a taxi cab. We stopped at a crowded bar and led me to the back door. She conversed with a woman, in her late 30s with her red, alluring dress. After some time, aunt Bella approached me and handed me some daring dress- a short and a louse blouse and told me that I would be a part-time waitress serving guys liquors. So did I. My first night in Madam Jasmines bar went on smoothly and I was very shocked and happy with my salary. Every night I served men and most of the time joined in their table. I had used wearing daring clothes and even got confident about it. Time had passed and I didnt just serving trays and buckets of drinks but also singing lively music. I was then became popular and got loads of money that I had wasted in malls and branded shops. All the luxuries wanted ever since. All men seemed to know me and little by little. I forgot my own self... My old mother... our shanty house. I really acted as a long time Manila girl, and every time they asked me about the past? I just ignored it, even telling them that I am alone in my whole life. Until one night...The fear I had once swallowed came into my senses Rayne, there is someone that wants to talk with you Mr. Chua again? Nope. An old woman My eyebrows met with confusion. I stood up and went to the front door. Blood oozed down my body and I went pale. My daughter she sobbed.

I met aunt Bellas eyes buried in confusion. I looked away and face my my mother,, Who are you? Im sorry but it seems youre into a wrong person. I told her with a clod expression. She was deeply hurt and horrified. Rayne, I am your mother! Cant you remember me? tears filled her weary eyes. She tried to hold my hands but I immediately pushed her causing her to fall into the ground. RAINEE!! aunt Bella gasped. She tried to help my mother. Please aunt Bella. Take that woman away from me... Shes insane... I dont have a family!. then I walked away. That incident stroked me a lot. I got drunk every night, sometimes with my customers but most of the time with my lite friends. I went out in different bars trying to hide the blemishes of the past.. the mark of my job. I got along with them telling lies about my family, about myself. Ive got loads of vices but Im happy.. I cannot deny the fact that this was the life Ive ever wanted. I didnt want to remember the night my mother went to see me. But happinesslike sadness fades away more than you have expected it to be. Happiness doesnt have permanency. You cannot be happy all the time. Unexpected thing happened the day I recognized about the woman that was been broadcast dead in the dark alley of the Pasig River- it was my mother, laying motionless on the ground as everyone round into crowd over her dead body. I didnt even claim the body, not even eavesdropped for what had happened. Salty water from my eyes began to run through my face. I didnt know why.. all I knew.. shes DEAD !. Rays of sunlight shine upon my face as I wake up. A new morning after the rain stormed the night leaving dew drops into the glass windows of the small bakery that shaded me the whole night. I feel furs in my arms and notice crowds of kitten that took the company of my little ragged bed carton. I pause for a moment and reminisce the dream that repeatedly comes into my mind. The past that had happened three months ago. I have gone berserk after her death and they pulled me off the job. I know Bella dint want me to be out of her apartment but she has her own needs and my room would be occupied once again by another spacer and I would, little by little, be forgotten. I fix my things and hold my tin can once again. I stand up and walk through the little passage going to the center of the desire that I once gulped to the place that give my happiness and at the same time take them away from me I dont even know now the difference between happiness and sadness.. Because I feel cold and sullen.. My heart seems to stop palpitatingI walk and walk with the traitor salty water flowing down my cheeksand my tattered feet, bruised, met the rushing crowd once again. I am a living body with dead emotions. I am going again to taste the bitterness of the society To face another life of trial ALONE