The Adventures of Two Caucasians - Pilot By Clay Merritt

Final Draft: March 6th, 2013 all rights reserved

Clay_Merritt2002@yahoo.com

INT. LIVING ROOM We see two guys looking at a peg-leg. GUY #1: Motherfucker. GUY #2: Welp..... We stole a mans peg-leg. GUY #1: Im quitting. Weve hit new lows. GUY #2: Why? You cant! Youre in this till the end! GUY #1: I can quit! GUY #1 starts walking away. GUY #2 Youre a pussy! GUY #1 turns around and looks at GUY #2 with discontent. GUY #1: Oh, Im the pussy? We stole a mans peg-leg! GUY #2 So? GUY #1: The dude is 68", 340 pounds. Professional bodybuilder. GUY #2 Howd he lose his leg? GUY #1: I accidentally ran over him. Which is why we should return his peg-leg before he goes Rambo on our asses. GUY #2 Hell no. Thats funny as shit. GUY #1: Well, because of you, Im either going to end up in the hospital, or dead. I dont like to die!

(CONTINUED)

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2.

GUY #2: Ive died once! Its no big deal. We see GUY #1 give GUY #2 a confused look. GUY #2 (CONTD) In a dream! GUY #1: Well, while youre off dying in dreams, Im going to go somewhere and not die in real life. GUY #2 Whats life if youre not trying to kill yourself everyday? GUY #1 gives GUY #2 a blank, disgusting stare and walks off. GUY #2 (CONTD) What? Its true! CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS: THE ADVENTURES OF TWO CAUCASIANS INT. BEDROOM We see GUY #1 sitting, playing video games. GUY #2 barges in with excitement. GUY #2 Chris! CHRIS Ryan! RYAN Stop what the hell youre doing and pay attention to yours truly, I got something fun that were going to do. CHRIS If it involves eating large amounts of disgusting food, or pretend to be a two man gang rape group, then Im out. RYAN has a look on his face that makes us think he has an idea before he snaps out of it.

(CONTINUED)

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3.

RYAN No! Okay, what was the difference between all those cool kids in high school and us. CHRIS They got laid? RYAN No. Well, yes. But the actual answer is drugs. We dont do drugs. CHRIS Hell. No. Were not RYAN - aw yes, buddy, we are doing drugs. CHRIS Fuck me. RYAN No, thank you. But you have to do it! CHRIS I know I have to. RYAN And whys that? CHRIS looks frustrated. CHRIS Because of the life-long pact we made when we were 12. RYAN Bingo! CHRIS looks sad and depressed. CHRIS Okay,just tell me what drug are we doing. Are we smoking Weed? Ive smoked weed before. I can handle that. RYAN No, man! You gotta be radical! Think outside of the box, and then go outside the circle, only then (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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4.

RYAN (contd) can you succeed in a drug fulfilled lifestyle. CHRIS (yelling) What is the fucking drug? RYAN LSD, bro! CHRIS What? Dude, Im going to kill you. RYAN Okay, just as long as youre not sober when you do it. That way the cops go easier on you. CHRIS gives RYAN a certain look. CHRIS That makes no damn sense, at all! RYAN Sure it does! RYAN and CHRIS are silent for a few seconds. RYAN Youre right, no it doesnt. INT. LIVING ROOM We see RYAN and CHRIS sitting on the floor. RYAN has a bag of LSD in his hand. RYAN Alright. You ready to do this? CHRIS No. But I do want to get this over with so give it. (Reaching for bag) CHRIS pulls out a capsule of LSD and takes it. RYAN Bad-ass! You just went for it. You feel anything?

(CONTINUED)

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5.

CHRIS No. You better not have gotten a shitty kind of LSD or some fake LSD. Ill fucking strangle you to death. RYAN No, its legit, man! CHRIS You positive? RYAN Yeah! The dealer was black. CHRIS What the hell does that prove? RYAN Its always legit with black drug dealers! They dont play around! CHRIS And how the hell are you so goddamn sure? RYAN Well, I thought him being black was proof enough. But other than that, I guess Im not sure. CHRIS is starting to look very concerned. CHRIS You son of a bitch! RYAN Itll be fine. Just relax! This will be fun! CHRIS Oh, shit. I kind of got something going on right now. I feel it! Its in my bones, man! RYAN Yeah! Its working! See? I will never steer you in a wrong direction, because I am a good friend.

(CONTINUED)

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6.

CHRIS Good friends dont bring LSD for their friends to take. RYAN Youre totally right. But Great friends always bring LSD for their friends to take! CHRIS Ryan, if I kill you tonight, dont take it personally. LSD made me do it. RYAN What do you mean? Of course Im going to take it personally, I mean Ill be dead and wont give a fuck anyway, but damn. That sucks bro. CHRIS leans back and is starting to feel the full effects of LSD kicking in. CHRIS I could totally get fucking use to this, man. Hell yeah. RYAN (looking at the bag) Yeah, man. Just keep relaxing, chill out, lay back, Im just going to go get food. CHRIS Take one. RYAN What? CHRIS Take a fucking LSD, dont think Ive forgotten, bitch! RYAN Sorry, sorry! Ill just take it now. RYAN takes LSD. CHRIS (laughing) How do you feel?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: RYAN Like myself. CHRIS starts mumbling and jumbling his words. RYAN What are you saying right now? And why the hell am I trying to make contact with someone whos totally high right now? And Im talking to myself. I already hate this night.

7.

CUT TO: INT. 87 TRANS AM (MOVING) - NIGHT RYAN and CHRIS are headed out somewhere. CHRIS is driving. RYAN I dont think were suppose to be driving. Im almost sure! CHRIS Stop worrying man! Ive drove home drunk before. RYAN What the hell, why? CHRIS Why, what? RYAN Why did you ever drive home drunk? CHRIS I didnt. RYAN You just said you did. CHRIS See, man? Thats the drugs talking! Told you this was a bad idea. RYAN Eyes on the road? CHRIS Well, I would, man. But has anyone ever told you that youre good looking?

(CONTINUED)

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8.

RYAN Um, yes, some women, now put your eyes on the fucking road! CHRIS Oh, right. The road. (starts singing) On the road again. I cant wait to get back on the road again. RYAN Quit the singing! I hate heavy metal! CHRIS Well, I wasnt singing heavy metal smart-ass. I was just singing some Whitney Houston, damn. Get off your high horse! RYAN Sorry, bro. CHRIS You better be sorry! Ill drop your ass off at Wal-Mart up here. RYAN But CHRIS - hey, Im not done! RYAN Sorry. CHRIS Okay. What were you saying? RYAN Our desination actually is Wal-Mart, so. CHRIS Oh, I guess it is! EXT. OUTSIDE OF WAL-MART - NIGHT RYAN and CHRIS have gotten out of the car and are headed into Wal-Mart.

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9.

CHRIS What are we here for? RYAN Food. Im starving my fucking ass off and its your fault. CHRIS Hows it my fault? All I did was eat all the snacks we got. Jeez. Grumpy bitch. RYAN Watch your fucking mouth, man! Were in public not your fucking titty-bar. CHRIS My dad owned a tit-bar. RYAN Really? CHRIS (shrugs shoulders) I dont know. CUT TO: INT. WAL-MART RYAN and CHRIS have entered Wal-Mart. We see them messing around in the food section. CHRIS We should totally buy a new TV. RYAN Yeah, because I heard Wal-Mart is selling 60 inch flat screens for 35 dollars! CHRIS You never know man! RYAN Yes I do. CHRIS What do you do?

(CONTINUED)

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10.

RYAN You. CHRIS You do me? RYAN I didnt mean it to come out that way. CHRIS You homo! (starts yelling for everyone to hear) Hes a homo! Ryan is a homo! RYAN throws a whole thing of lettuce at CHRIS. RYAN Keep your fucking voice down. Your being rude to actual nice, and lovely gay folk. I dont CHRIS throws a tomato at RYAN. CHRIS Take that, bitch! Woo! CHRIS walks away. RYAN looks in his basket. He picks up the gallon of milk and undoes the cap, jogs up to CHRIS and splashes the milk in his face. RYAN You got cow titty juice in your face, motherfucker! CHRIS takes off his jacket and is interrupted by the manager. MANAGER (O.S.) Excuse me! CHRIS and RYAN turn around and see a fat man, not that tall, but not that short, approaching them with two security guards. RYAN Look dude MANAGER - excuse me, Im the manager of this fine Wal-Mart, you just destroyed our product. Youre going (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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11.

MANAGER (contd) to clean it up and pay for the damages! CHRIS Look we arent going to do shit! MANAGER Oh, I think you will! The SECURITY GUARDS step up next to the MANAGER as a form of intimidation. MANAGER Now, you will not leave this store until you have cleaned up your mess. And these fellas will makes sure you do it. Understood? CHRIS Yeah, we totally understand. RYAN We understand that youre a corporation whore! MANAGER What? RYAN Yeah, you take your conservative agenda and push it on all your employees, and your boss takes a big chunk out of your paycheck because he can, and when he sees fit he thanks you for being greedy, and you being the corporate ass kisser you are, youll blindly follow him, even though youre not making half of what you should be making! MANAGER (to CHRIS) What the hell is he talking about? CHRIS (eating some lettuce) Beats me. He always talks like this when hes high.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MANAGER Well, now youre going to clean my store, and pay for the damage youve caused to the produce. CHRIS Understood. RYAN Well, actually -

12.

RYAN splashes the remaining milk from the gallon at the MANAGER and SECURITY and run out of the store. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE OF WAL-MART - NIGHT RYAN and CHRIS are dashing back to the car, this time RYAN is driving, CHRIS gets passenger. RYAN Im too fucking high for this shit! I am too fucking high for this shit! At the entrance of the Wal-Mart, we see security dashing for them. One of them reaches the car, opens the drivers side door, and RYAN kicks him the groin. The SECURITY guard, falls down, screaming in agony, RYAN shuts the door, and drives away. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM We see CHRIS and RYAN playing with the air. CHRIS is looking at nothing, while sitting in a chair, swinging his arms at nothing. Meanwhile, RYAN is pacing back and forth in one area reciting some words to the tune of "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins CHRIS (interrupting RYANs singing) Holy shit, this is the best idea youve ever had Ryan. Jesus Henry Christ. RYAN (yelling) Yeah! I told you itd be fun, LSD is fun! Why didnt they tell us (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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13.

RYAN (contd) about this stuff in school, Im addicted, are you addicted? I feel bulletproof! CHRIS You are bulletproof! Youre the man! RYAN Yeah! Im going to go find a gun. CHRIS Theres one in the cabinet under the sink! RYAN Alright! RYAN starts walking over the the cabinet under the sink. CHRIS Wait, why do you need a gun? RYAN Because Im bulletproof. CHRIS I was kidding. RYAN Goddamn it, Chris. Why would you lie? RYAN suddenly looks like hes about to cry. CHRIS I didnt want to lie to you! I was just in the moment. RYAN But CHRIS - I know. Im sorry, dude. I know youre sad, lets just relax and forget about it. CHRIS has his arm around RYAN, RYAN now stands up and has a face full of rage.

(CONTINUED)

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14.

RYAN Im going to fuck your ass big time, buddy boy! CHRIS Oh no! RYAN now goes over to to beat up CHRIS. RYAN You motherfucker! This is what happens to bitches who lie to me! CHRIS gives RYAN a confused look. CHRIS What happens to people who lie to you? RYAN gives CHRIS a "titty-twister" and CHRIS screams like a girl. RYAN Yeah. Try on those apples! RYAN continues to beat up CHRIS and then they expand the fighting to the ground. RYAN is on top of CHRIS. RYAN Yeah, hows this feel? RYAN flicks CHRIS on the forehead. CHRIS rolls RYAN over. CHRIS That felt great! Ha-ha Im kidding. Hows this feel? CHRIS double punches RYAN in the ribs. RYAN expresses intense pain. CHRIS (CONTD) Come on take it, take it! RYAN gets CHRIS in the Ankle Lock. We now see CHRIS has RYAN in the Sleeper hold. CHRIS and RYAN continue to scuffle very lightly, almost like girls, when all of a sudden they stop and then they look at each other and begin to cry and hug.

(CONTINUED)

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15.

RYAN Im sorry, man. CHRIS Me too. RYAN I just, I just dont like people lying to me. CHRIS Im sorry, bro. I just got caught up in the moment. Ill never lie again. RYAN Next time were about to tell a lie, lets tell it and then say, Just kidding!, okay? CHRIS Okay, man. I love you. RYAN I love you, too, man. CHRIS Now, I have an idea, its pretty radical. Outside the box and circle, just like you talked about. RYAN Hell yeah! What is it? CHRIS gives a very devious look. WE CUT TO: EXT. STREETS - NIGHT RYAN and CHRIS are destroying stuff outside. RYAN and a baseball bat, and CHRIS has a crowbar. RYAN Hey, Chris. CHRIS Yo. RYAN Theres Mr. Mulligans car.

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16.

CHRIS Ah, the peg-leg guy! Very nice thinking, my friend. RYAN Why, thank you! RYAN and CHRIS walk up to his car, its a Dodge Viper. CHRIS How much do you think it cost him? RYAN Im going to say two-hundred thousand. CHRIS Thats a damn good guess. CHRIS now proceeds to bust the back window. It shatters in a million pieces into the backseat. RYAN and CHRIS celebrate with a double hi-five. RYAN (busts the passengers side window) Hell yeah! Who would have thought being this high is so fun? CHRIS I dunno about you but the sky is a rainbow color man. RYAN The fuck you talking about? CHRIS Im tripping giant balls right now. CHRIS lays in the road and looks in the sky. We start viewing from his eyes. We see many psychedelic colors in the sky. Meanwhile, RYAN walks up to CHRIS to make sure hes okay. RYAN Chris, you good, man? CHRIS Im so solid. We see a shot of CHRIS laying in the street and he has a boner.

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17.

RYAN Well, thats unexpected. MR. MULLIGANs DODGE VIPER alarm goes off. MR. MULLIGAN opens his door and is standing in the doorway. We see a CLOSE UP of his peg-leg, and the camera moves up to his face. MR. MULLIGANN You fucking cocksuckers. RYAN Oh fuck! CHRIS looks over to the doorway, still laying in the street. CHRIS Oh shit its Captain Peggy! CHRIS gets up and he and RYAN run away with MR. MULLIGAN chasing them with his peg-leg. RYAN Holy shit, hes fast for a one-legged man. CHRIS I hate to do this, but CHRIS throws his crow bar back at MR. MULLIGAN and hits him in his good leg. MR. MULLIGANN (screaming) Son of a bitch! RYAN and CHRIS slow down and hi-five each other. RYAN Lesson learned. Dont fuck with a peg-legged man. CHRIS Watch this. CHRIS takes RYANs baseball bat, runs up to MR. MULLIGAN and steals his peg-leg. CHRIS I got it!

(CONTINUED)

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18.

RYAN Hes got the peg-leg! CHRIS runs back to RYAN and then they run off. WE CUT TO: BLACK SCREEN: SUBTITLE: THE NEXT MORNING INT. BEDROOM We see the light shine in the room. CHRIS is asleep on the bed, and RYAN is on a rolling chair in a corner of the room. CHRIS wakes up slowly, looks around, and wakes up RYAN. CHRIS Hey, Ryan. Wake the fuck up. CHRIS gets no response. CHRIS Hey, bitch! Wake up! CHRIS once again gets no response. CHRIS (talking to self) If hes dead, I swear to Sweet Mary. (yelling) Ryan! Wake the fuck up! After not getting a response for a third time, CHRIS takes a big bouncy ball and throws it at RYAN. RYAN (yelling) Oh, holy shit! Damn! CHRIS Yeah, wake up, dude. RYAN Fuck you. I feel like shit. CHRIS No, you make me take LSD, I wake you up when I choose to.

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19.

RYAN Ugh. Fine, asshole. RYAN raises up and rubs his eyes when he realizes something is wrong. CHRIS Whats wrong? RYAN Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. CHRIS Shit. RYAN Shit! CHRIS Holy shit! RYAN Holy mother of Skywalker! CHRIS Zeus giant lightning balls! CHRIS and RYAN just stare at each other. CHRIS Seriously, whats wrong? RYAN Im too hungover to be awake. CHRIS Thats it? RYAN Pretty much. CHRIS Yeah, youre right. RYAN Ill tell you something, man. I am never doing drugs ever again. CHRIS I second that notion in an extreme political way.

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20.

RYAN Okay, I got a serious question. CHRIS Shoot. RYAN You wanna do the left over LSD later? CHRIS Yes, please! CUT TO: CLOSING CREDITS END