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THE BIRDS AND THE BIEBS a short film by Brian J. Prisco INT.


JUSTIN has his face covered and is sitting on the edge of his bed. His MOTHER, BONNIE, is standing off screen. BONNIE Look at me, mister. Mom, no. JUSTIN Please!

BONNIE You look at me when I'm talking to you! Don't make this worse! JUSTIN looks up, shamefully. and holding a laser pointer. BONNIE is completely naked,

JUSTIN Mom, this is horrible. BONNIE How do you think I feel? I walk in on my son looking at those awful pictures on his computer? That's supposed to be for work! If you want to learn about women's bodies, I'm going to teach you the proper way. JUSTIN Mom, I know about sex. BONNIE Clearly not! You don't respect the female body. Not if you were looking at those...SICK. FILTHY. THINGS. BONNIE points to her vagina with the laser pointer. BONNIE (CONT'D) Now, this is the labia. Mom, please. JUSTIN Stop.

BONNIE Pay attention. I doubt they show you this in that school of yours. JUSTIN No kidding. BONNIE This is the clitoris. LOOK. JUSTIN!

2. JUSTIN Mom, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. BONNIE Pay attention! This is important. Now this, this. THIS IS THE CLITORIS, JUSTIN. It can be stimulated to achieve orgasm. JUSTIN Mom. I promise. I will never look at pornography again. I will never look at a naked lady again. I swear. BONNIE I wish I could believe you. JUSTIN After this I don't think I'll be able to. BONNIE Be mature. JUSTIN It was just a picture of Amber Heard! She's been naked so much on camera it's like looking at a tree! BONNIE Uh-huh. And just how do you know that, mister? JUSTIN's busted. BONNIE (CONT'D) THE CLITORIS. As you notice, it's not located directly inside the vaginal cavity. So for sexual stimulation you-Please. JUSTIN Do you want grandchildren?

BONNIE Not right now. Which moves us on to safe sex. DON! JUSTIN's father, DON enters, eating a sandwich and sporting an erection. DON Hey, sport. JUSTIN Dad, for God's sake--

3. DON Oh, relax. It's nothing you haven't seen before. And you either, right. Rawwwr. JUSTIN Jesus, kill me. BONNIE Donald. Be serious. educational. This is JUSTIN

DON climbs on to the bed and sits next to JUSTIN. leaps off the bed. BONNIE takes out a condom. BONNIE (CONT'D) This is a condom. JUSTIN I know what a...why do you have a condom? BONNIE It's not infallible, but it's the best method for sexual safety available. Most girls your age are on birth control, but there's no guarantee, so it's better safe than sorry. DON That's how we ended up with you! BONNIE So here's how you put one on. JUSTIN I'm not having sex! BONNIE Not yet, maybe. But someday. JUSTIN I'm not having sex ever again! Grow up. BONNIE Now watch how--

JUSTIN covers his eyes as BONNIE places the condom on DON. DON climbs up on top of BONNIE and prepares to mount her. BONNIE snaps her fingers. BONNIE (CONT'D) JUSTIN. Justin, you watch this, it's important. I know you've seen the Clockwork Orange. (MORE)

4. BONNIE (CONT'D) And I let that slide, because I thought that it'd teach you not to join violent rape gangs in weird hats. But so help me, I will tape your eyes open and tie you to a chair if you do not watch your father properly mount me! JUSTIN grabs his cell phone and starts pointing it at his parents. DON Whatcha doing? JUSTIN I'm going to record a video and post it to YouTube. Then you'll see. BONNIE Good. Then you can watch it later in case you need reminders. JUSTIN Gaaah! JUSTIN grabs his laptop and smashes it on the ground. stomps on the pieces. JUSTIN (CONT'D) There! THERE! I can't ever look at porn on my computer again! DON Well, your phone... JUSTIN throws down his cellphone and stomps it shrds. BONNIE scrambles out from under DON and gets in JUSTIN's face. BONNIE Do you think we're made of money? Is that how we taught you to respect property? Are we going to have to have a long talk about fiscal responsibility? Do you know how much those things cost? JUSTIN screams. He runs out of the room. He

JUSTIN That's it. I'm going to Brad's. We're going to make terrible videos and post them on the internet. Then you'll see. You'll all see. BONNIE You get back here!

5. JUSTIN Come and get me. BONNIE If you don't think I'll chase you down the street naked, you've got another think coming, mister! The FRONT DOOR SLAMS. BONNIE (CONT'D) Ooooh! You try to teach your children respect and dignity and this is what you get. DON Hey. You wanna finish me off? keep the tiger waiting. Don't

BONNIE Eh, his sheets need washed anyway. BONNIE straddles DON. An ANNOUNCER's VOICE:

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And that's how Justin Bieber became a lesbian. END.