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Begin with the Cow.

What is this a picture of? You wont know until I tell you,. But
it wont stop you guessing and being quite certain…


Hand out stories. Please read and write down on the back
the first thoughts that come to mind regarding this story.
Write down your perspective.

Story 1:

People were sitting quietly, some reading newspapers, some

lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a
calm, peaceful scene.
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway
car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that
instantly the whole climate changed. The man sat down next
to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the
situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing
things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very
disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

So finally, with what I thought was unusual patience and

restraint, I turned to him and said, Sir your children are
really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't
control them a little more. The man lifted his gaze as if to
come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time,
and said softly, "Oh you're right. I guess I should do
something about it. We just came from the hospital where
their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to
think and I guess they don't know how to handle it either."

Story 2:

Waiting in a long line at the grocery store, he sighed and

tried to gauge the amount of time left before it would be his
turn. Suddenly, he felt the cart behind him jam into his
back. Taking a couple steps forward, he shook his head
inwardly at the carelessness. Several moments later, he felt
another jab. This one hurt. Trying to move out of harm's
way, he shifted to the right and glanced at this watch. And
once again, the cart behind him was pushed forward,
slamming his back and legs. This was too much.

He finally turned around ready to let the guy have it.

Whirling, the first thing he saw was a white cane…Clutched
by the blind man who was holding onto the shopping cart
with his other hand.

III. Philosophical basis of these classes is the axiom


Life: the way we experience it determines our reality.

The way we perceive our life and the things that we
experience in the world around us is the way we
think reality exists. This is limited, by definition, to
our personal and limited perspectives.

Challenge: My Self-perception, perceptions of G-d,

and perceptions of others is limited to my eyes. My
perspective. My eyes. My vision.

Solution: By increasing self awareness and learning

more about myself - I can better understand my
perspective. By increasing awareness of others and
learning more about others – I can better understand
their perspectives.

II. Book exercise – colored glasses

• My tall book of colors, playmore / waldman

III. Dove video see [just right click and hit open link]

VI. Guide for the Perplexed, by Moses Maimonides,

• At times the truth shines so brilliantly that we perceive it

as clear as day. Our nature and habit then draw a veil over
our perception, and we return to a darkness almost as dense
as before. We are like those who, though beholding frequent
flashes of lightning,
still find themselves in the thickest darkness of the night. On
some the lightning flashes in rapid succession, and they
seem to be in continuous light, and their night is as clear as
the day.
• Rabbi Akiva Tatz – sometime life events and /or people
in our lives can be those lightning strikes.

‫אל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו‬.1

How often can you be in someone else’s place?


3 stories:

A nurse lost a valuable earring at work. The following week

she sees a coworker wearing her earring at a meeting. She
seethes inside throughout the meeting…finally, before
confronting her she checks it out and gets a closer look.
Sure enough it was slightly different. She thought she saw
something that wasn’t really there.

You call up a babysitter and finally fin one. You tell her how
important it is for her to be there on time. You really have to
get to __________________. The time comes and she stiffs you.
Fails to show up. You keep calling and calling her and her
phone is busy. Finally you get through and she explains what
happened. She accepted the job because you were
desperate. But she didn’t even have a chance to find out
who you were before you hung up! So she was trying to call
people to try to figure it out.

Bar mitzvah photographer: you went to a BM and the

photographer is nowhere to be seen. Finally as the desert
was being served you see him come in looking harried and
disheveled. One week later, a friend of yours calls you up to
ask you about hiring a photographer. She throws his name
at you. You think to yourself, “How can I recommend
someone so irresponsible.” But you’re a good person sop
before nixing it you call the photographer and ask him to
explain himself. He says, you know what really happened;
they hired someone else who didn’t show up. A last ditch
effort they called me to salvage whatever I can. I dropped
everything I was doing and ran over there right away….

‫ – את כ ל הא דם‬the entire person.

“I’ll be over soon…” different people mean things in different

ways 5 min vs. 45 minutes

VII. Let us see what happens when you look at life through
the wrong perspective. Another term that can be
synonymous with perspective is the term paradigm. It is
used to connote a model, theory, perception, assumption or
frame of reference. It is the way we see the world – not in
terms of visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving,
understanding, and interpreting.

Suppose you want to arrive at a specific location in

Baltimore. A street map would help you get there. But if
someone gives you a D.C. map you aren't going to find your
You could work on your behavior, you could try harder,
be more diligent, speed up – you'll just to get to the wrong
place more
efficiently or quicker, but it's still the wrong destination.

You could work on your attitude, you could think more

positively. You still wouldn't get to the right place, but
perhaps you wouldn't care. But the point is you'd be lost it
has nothing to do with your behavior or your attitude. It has
everything to do with being on the wrong map.
Changing the way we behave and our outward attitudes
does very little in the long run if we fail to examine the basic
paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow.

As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we

begin to realize that others see them differently from their
own point of view. These concepts ring true throughout life.
Judaism, self awareness, Torah and relationships.

When we switch modalities in life, we gain insight into what

it must have been like, the stresses and pressures etc…a
tenant becomes a landlord. A Dr. becomes a patient. A child
becomes a parent, this gives us a new window into what it
means to be in the other’s shoes.

When we judge negatively, it’s a cheap way to make

ourselves feel good. Better to lift myself.

90% of all conflicts in the workplace are the direct result of

people being internally focused rather than externally


However, especially noteworthy is the principle of

"detachedness” which is regarded as crucial to the
identification of problems. Rabbi Y. Y. Horowitz of Novardock
(1976), disciple of the renowned Rabbi Israel Salanter, views
this detachment, with the resulting objectivity, as the basis
for Teshuvah - without which the individual would be
incapable of identifying the areas which required work. In
explaining the complications arising from subjectivity, Rabbi
Horowitz presents us with a well known parable. A person
who had been attempting for some time to become expert at
shooting arrows to the center of a bulls eye, once chanced
upon a series of bulls eyes, all of which had arrows imbedded
in dead center. This person of course assumed that the
individual who had shot these arrows was a true marksman,
and he set out to find him in order to learn that skill from
him. When he found the assumed sharpshooter, he asked
him what the secret of his success was. The "sharpshooter"
replied, "It is really quite simple. First I shoot the arrow, and
wherever it falls, I draw a bull’s eye around it, placing the
arrow in dead center." .. This is also the case, states Rabbi
Horowitz, of a person viewing his or her character traits from
a subjective viewpoint. No matter what the status of the trait
– positive or negative - the individual makes sure to justify it
by building his or her self-image in a manner which allows
the trait - or behavior - to take on a positive aspect. For
example, if a person has an inclination towards hostility, it
will be rationalized by claiming it necessary in order to cope
with an antagonistic world. It is therefore crucial for the
individual to break away from a subjective framework, take
up an objective perspective, and examine his behavior
critically and honestly. Only after the realization of this
important principle is one fit to serve as his own counselor.
At this point, after a person has utilized free will in
determining shortcomings and/or goals, and has objectively
and critically assessed present behavior, he or she is ready
to undertake behavior modification, which we will examine in
pt. II.

We must learn the art of listening to other people.

If Hashem were have to done us a favor and created

man and women differently. Men have ears and eyes,
and women have the same – except the men’s eyes
work while his ears do not work, and the women’s ears
work but her eyes don’t. We have ‫ מעלות‬that the other
doesn’t. I am missing part of my own self. I can only
receive it by plugging into what she has and what I
don’t have.

When we get married we have ‫ שלום בית‬because we

complement each other so beautifully.

The problem is that we’ll run into trouble.

If we have a conversation:
My dear wife, my impression is that if we look at things
in the right way…. I want to explain to you how I see
things…my impression is that it seems to exist this way
and therefore the most appropriate course of action is
as follows…

She says, “I don’t like the sound of it. It doesn’t ring


He says, what, “Open your eyes can’t you see. Look.


She responds, “But listen to the way it sounds!”

The truth is that Hashem did do this on a more basic

level than the 5 senses, there’s a whole world that is
male/female. Everything that is female, we males have
no way of being connected to it. When we get married
the world opens up to us from a female perspective.
Without it we are living a half a reality. A level of
quality that one should attain if he has proper shalom
bayis. Our understanding changes when we become a
full Adam. [yevamos 63]
‫ב ראש ית פ רק א‬

:‫(כז) ויברא אלהים את האדם בצלמו בצלם אלהים ברא אתו זכר ונקבה ברא אתם‬

I would like to suggest that just as man and women are

different from each other, similarly, people are different than
each other. Therefore, we must learn how to listen:

Here are four techniques for listening properly:

When we listen we will achieve seeing things from their


The Art of Listening:

Build for me a mishkan, mobile temple. Here’s how to do it.
Bezalel construction engineer. Bezalel executes the project
and dsoes it.
Asah es kol asher tzivah Hashem es moshe

‫ת למ וד בב לי מ סכ ת ב רכ ות דף נה עמ וד א‬

R. Samuel b. Nahmani said in ‫אמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני אמר רבי‬

the name of R. Johanan:
Bezalel was so called on
.‫ בצלאל על שם חכמתו נקרא‬:‫יונתן‬
account of his wisdom. At the
‫בש עה ש אמר לו הק דוש ב רוך‬
time when the Holy One, ‫ לך אמור לו‬:‫הוא למ שה‬
blessed be He, said to Moses; ‫לב צלאל עשה לי מש כן א רון‬
Go and tell Bezalel to make ‫ ואמר‬,‫ ה לך משה ו הפך‬,‫וכ לים‬
me a tabernacle, an ark and .‫ עשה אר ון ו כלים ומ שכן‬:‫לו‬
vessels, Moses went and ‫ מנ הגו‬,‫ משה ר בינו‬:‫אמר לו‬
reversed the order, saying, ‫ א דם בונה ב ית‬- ‫של ע ולם‬
Make an ark and vessels and ,‫וא חר כך מ כניס ל תוכו כ לים‬
a tabernacle. Bezalel said to ‫ עשה לי אר ון‬:‫וא תה אומ ר‬
him: Moses, our Teacher, as a
rule a man first builds a
‫וכ לים ו מש כן! כ לים שא ני‬
house and then brings ‫ להי כן אכ ניסם? ש מא‬- ‫עו שה‬
vessels into it; but you say, :‫כך א מר לך ה קדוש ברוך ה וא‬
Make me an ark and vessels ‫ א מר‬.‫עשה מש כן א רון וכ לים‬
and a tabernacle. Where shall ‫ ש מא ב צל אל ה יית‬:‫לו‬
I put the vessels that I am to !‫ויד עת‬
make? Can it be that the Holy
One, blessed be He, said to
you, Make a tabernacle, an
ark and vessels? Moses
replied: Perhaps you were in
the shadow of God and knew!

So Moshe said it over wrong. How could he say it wrong?

Doesn’t that cast into doubt everything that he’s ever said?
The greatest prophet ever!
Stop listening to the literal words that she is saying and get
to the meaning of what she is really saying.

Married Couples:

The Angry Couple – Susan and Richard

when you love someone you hear everything that they are
saying in a few lines. The more you are about them the
more you’ll understand what they are really trying to
communicate. So work up feelings of affection. [Ironic,
during a fight, argument, when you want to hear what you
partner is saying, work up real affection. So too god if we
want to hear what he is saying. Real love is letting go of
what I want for her sake. What’s important to her I more
important than what is important to me.; work up
affection for G-d than I can hear what He is saying to me.

People are solely focused on themselves:

Think about what matters to other people. What are their

values? What motivated them? What are their drivers?
What gets them out of bed every morning and keeps them
up at night?

People have different communication sty;les:

These ideas help you learn how other people want to be

spoken to…

This way they will feel like you understand them

Open ended questions gets you to rich conversation so you

undersant what motivates them and what they value.

When I communicate with you, it isn’t just about mny needs ,

but rather its about your needs.
In conversation people tend to ask closed ended questions:
yes/no q’s are of low value. You don’t get that much
information about me. Even if you ask a better question, it
can be closed: what degree to you have? One word answer
or short factoid answers the questions.

I’m a famous person exercise: [20 questions]… Ask me

anything you want?

Are you a man or a woman? Are you alive or dead?

What can you tell me about yourself that can help me guess
who you are?

People think that they have to ask small enede questions

Yes/no Q’s = low value

One factoid = slightly higher value\
Rich open Q’s = very high value

Describe your childhood to me. What kind of vacation do

you enjoy? What are your dreams for the future?

Starters for open ended questions:



Follow-up questions get a lot of detail about people’s values.

3 best childhood memories
Mom’s cooking
Of these 3 which one is your favorite? Why? [we didn’t have
a lot to eat., but mom made a lot with a little, and she did it
so beautifully…]

Get to the core of what people really want

By now you are totally outwardly focused

You are seeing things though other people’s perspectives

Drill: ask me closed ended questions.

Ask me an open ended question, but get a paragraph out of

Probing Triangle [What, which and why?]

Person 1 ask me an open ended question,

Person 2 follow up his question and my answer to get richer
more detail

Business priorities: what keeps you up at night and why?

Drill: Career advice, spiritual path, vacation spot. 5 minutes

each, switch roles and debrief. How well did the person get
you? How close were they to understanding you?