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On the night of October 24, 1916, ten men representing each of the various factions existing at the time at the University of Nevada, and comprising men of all walks of college life, met together with the idea of promoting the common good. The consensus was that a force was needed to give the proper impetus to affairs of school life. At the time, the rivalry among the various groups threatened to supplant the steadfast loyalty to the University that all its citizens should unite in giving. It was evident that unless energetic steps were taken at once, our community would become a collection of wrangling cliques instead of a united whole. Under such conditions, no progress would be possible. The very life of our University would be threatened. Realizing this, and bound by a pledge to work for the common good, these men founded this society in which all the component parts of our school may be represented around the council table.
Mr. Rashdan has led by example and shown the University that not all Senators are worthless. Ziad is the energetic and pragmatic leader that ASUN needs; he has the passion and excitement to motivate Nevada students and University administrators. Aside from ASUN, Ziad has been a proactive student leader all across campus. He established the Peer Mentorship Program, served as Business Student Council President, and programmed many large and successful events. He has worked with the College of Business Alumni Association to provide supplemental funding for business clubs that got fucked over by Mr. Gomez, Director of Clubs and Orgs. He has been at the forefront for student engagement, and it was his leadership and vision that established the first ever College of Business Debate. When comparing the two candidates there is no comparison; Ziad not only has a better platform, he has a more proven ability to get shit done. He is more focused on having an impact and engaging all Nevada students. Chris, who is more interested in a title to add to his résumé for dental school, would sacrifice students when they became an inconvenience. (Fun fact dentists have the highest suicide rates). His laziness shows; Essentially, every point Chris has made in his platform are things Ziad has already worked on, is currently working on, or has started the foundation to continue working on. Maybe, if Chris spent as much time building a competitive campaign as he did jerking off with Colgate, and throwing together last minute signs and shitty campaign banners, he would have a shot. Last minute efforts don’t win elections; hard work and preparation does. Chris, we understand you have been in Clubs and Orgs for three years and you have the “most experience” inside ASUN. That’s awesome, props to you. However, this doesn’t mean you are the best for the job. Ziad Rashdan is the best choice for ASUN President.
Bill Eadington (1946-2013)
Professor Eadington was a true innovator in the field of Gambling and Commercial Gaming in the College of Business. Since his first day on campus, in 1969, he has been a great role model, lecturer, and person. He was a visionary when it came to this campus and the professional world. He extensively researched real world occurrences relating to the economic and social impacts of gaming, won countless awards, and was widely sought after as a guest speaker. Dr. Eadington lost his battle to cancer this past Fall and will truly be missed; cheers to a legend.
For the 2013 ASUN Presidential election the Men of Coffin and Keys endorse Mr. Ziad Rashdan. He is passionate about Nevada students and actually cares about their interests, and not to mention that he has the widest range of skills for the position; both in ASUN and in the bedroom. As a Senator for the 80th Session
ASUN Vice President
The Men of Coffin and Keys are proud to endorse Vice President Lopez for a second term. When the two options are a pocket size subspecies of the human race or an incompetent, flexible sloot; you find yourself in an awkward (but potentially kinky) position. The commonly known paycheck collecting, finger painting, poll waxing position has been transcended by Mr. Lopez. The current Vice President has not only led the inception of the Pack Mentorship Program, but has also attracted project leeches along the way. If we can speak to the candidates directly in their own language, this is what we would say.
“Unbelievable job! However, we have a huge problem with your term. It’s that you didn’t run any sooner. Because if you had, then we would know how good at sucking you are. And when we say sucking, we’re talking about one of those Class-A blowies. You know, when it dries up and gets real teethy ‘n’ shit. So do we like the candidate or not? Let’s put it this way, pack your bags, get out of the senate. because you should be running for president. Just not at any university we are at.” In conclusion, mehhh. Confused? So are both candidates.
The Men of Coffin and Keys would like to formally endorse these senate hopefuls with a strong belief that they will do SOMETHING with their terms and make an ANUS of themselves at the same time. COLLEGE OF BUSINESS Steve Bezick – Sugar… Abhay Sharma – Spice… Mariel Tabeta – And Everything Nice. These three blind mice each bring their own vision to senate. To bad they have a combined IQ of a goldfish. COLLEGE OF LIBERAL ARTS Caden Fappy: He’s a lot less of a jackass than he looks. He’s accomplished more in ASUN as a member at large than most senators this term. Ashley Tarchione – Miss Clark County, you forgot to mention world peace in your platform but other than that you’re solid. Anyways, senate always needs a couple pieces of eye Corcoran to get them through the session. Sarah Byrnes – She’s been one of the few proactive senators this session, hopefully she will continue her legacy into next term. NOT Lane King – Sigma Phi Estrogen doesn’t even like you, why the FUCK would we? REYNOLDS SCHOOL OF JOURNALSIM Myles Button – He’s a liberal Arts and Journalism dual major yet he has the balls to pick the harder race and fight for something he believes in. Senate needs balls. COLLEGE OF SCIENCE Lexi Jacobson – Way to break that glass ceiling. COLLEGE OF ENGINEERING Mac Higgins - Just kidding. DIVISION OF HEALTH SCIENCES ANYONE but DALTON MACK. Fuck that kid. Write in PAUL QUINLAN. CABNR Students don’t give a fuck about their college, why should we.
Ashley Manshitz and Elliot Cockring: “I have a feeling I should get the Coffin and Keys endorsement.” CK: “We sometimes have a feeling we can do crystal meth, but then we think – hmm better not.”
The Men of Coffin & Keys have a great talent for finding the dark, dirty, under-the-rug secrets around campus and an even greater talent of bringing them into the undesired spotlight. However, as the guiding hand of this campus and the only credible news source for Nevada students, we see it as our responsibility to show our subjects how truly amazing our Campus on the Hill really is.
before arriving. A student population that arrives before tip off, stays past halftime, and doesn’t talk shit when we don’t win. We need a student body that takes full advantage of the opportunities provided to them. College is a horny virgin alone in your room. Are you going to take what is yours? Or are you going to mumble something about work tomorrow and go to sleep? We need a student body that believes in Nevada’s values and bleeds Nevada Blue. Take what’s yours, use the tools you’ve been given and make the university truly grand.
Incoming ACT scores have increased 1.75%, SAT scores have increased .57%, BACs have increased 69%, and average incoming GPA has increased 2.54%. The average time it takes to graduate from Nevada has decreased from the national average of 5.5 to 4.5 years (no more Eli Van Wilders). In the past 6 years, $350 million worth of new buildings have been constructed, with plans for more. The University is finally knocking down its old useless buildings. No, not the DG house. Getchell will soon be a $36 million student achievement center. Nevada has a new president that, despite his relatively short tenure, has proven that he will be fighting relentlessly For the Betterment of the University of Nevada. We have a one-stop shop phone App for the University now. (Download that shit: “This is Nevada”). Our kickass engineers are finally getting their swag on, in the form of a $18 Million, 24,500 square foot, expansion to the Earthquake Engineering Lab.
To the Back of the Bus
In keeping with tradition, the Multicultural Greek Council is being pushed away from the limelight. Yes, we get it, MGC represents a stupidly small portion of the student body, the Minority Greek Council doesn’t have houses (or cars), and MGC only holds a few, poorly attended events throughout the year to get their word out. But isn’t the Greek system in place to address these issues? No. Greek life is here to help students find an organization that best represents their values, while motivating and fostering personal growth. Each organization caters to a different audience which is why no organization, except Coffin & Keys, is objectively above any other. So although MGC Island isn’t as powerful or pretty as IFC and Panhellenic, it still plays its own role in creating influential individuals that Better the University of Nevada.
PoliSci Summary: Our beloved University of Nevada is
climbing higher than ever before. We are producing higher quality students, while still increasing the number of solid incoming freshmen. The University once again has money to throw around, and we’re throwing it at the right things (Housing expansion, facility renovation, and unnecessarily extended women’s basketball trips). Speaking of, we have made substantial growth in all athletic departments (except the women’s) through new coaches, conferences and uniforms. “So, Mr. Quinlan, with all these nice things, what could we possibly be missing out on?” Well, Johnny management major, We’re missing a student body that takes pride in all aspects of University life. A student body that attends games and events, without ripping blunts and beer bongs
Props to Omega Delta Sigma for breaking the mold and expanding their membership horizons. It’s good to see diversity finally hitting all populations. The Step Show is a kickass event that benefits the community by not only giving different organizations on campus a chance to unite, but also by giving out a substantial scholarship to a high school student. Save the date: March 30th at 12:00 P.M in the Virginia St. Gym.
When we say bad, we mean really bad…like Campbell Soup at the Circus Circus Buffet bad. When the president and vice president ignore their own council bylaws to allow a non-qualifying officer to keep his job, the whole “acknowledge us as legitimate” argument goes right out the window. That’s some IFC shit, in the wrong direction.
When the MGC decides to recycle LPX’s old date night auction idea, but doesn’t get rid of the part where the profits go to operational expenses instead of charitable giving, the participants retain their status as cheap whores. When Greek organizations and places like the Center “promote diversity” but only cater to a small cross section of the diversity spectrum, the otherwise pure message becomes perverted and warped. (Note: Also this applies to IFC/PHC/Clubs&Orgs/any “niche” group).
The Ugly Truth
A: Lance Armstrong. We’re surprised he had the balls to come clean. B+: Colin Kaepernick. Great job making it to the super bowl but next time get a ring. MGC: David Coleman. There’s a big difference between Minority and Multicultural Greek Council. D+: Megan Ortiz. The opinion section is for opinions, the news section is for news, and the Sagebrush is for starting fires. F: David Carter. Thanks for talking shit on your own team. B: Jonathan Barnes. Greek week wasn’t a complete failure this year. M: Tiesto. Thanks for another reason to roll with the homegirl Molly. A+: Panhellenic President. Great job.
We understand the actions of the few can inaccurately represent the beliefs and values of the many. It’s unfortunate how hard MGC is being hit by this rule. So, with that said, keep up what you’re doing well, and start holding your elected officials accountable for their actions. Most importantly, never let anyone push you to the back of the bus.
Existing solely for the betterment of the University of Nevada, we are the Men of Coffin and Keys: Alpa Chino, Chancho, Dr. Spaceman, King Argotron, Lazarus, Little Bear, Lucky Pierre, Sherminator, Spit Valve, Tommy Boy, Uncle Walt, Ünterseeboot, White Doug
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