A Short, Totally Unauthorized and Unpublished X-Files Quic ie by Jason Patterson --- --\ / x

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS For BLANK, without whose encouragement and support this never would have been written. =o) And of course, the X-Files cast and crew, also without whom this never would have been written. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------THE MUFFIN MAN Starring ----------------David Duchovny Gillian Anderson Lone Gunmen Actors Random Bit-Part Actors (<>..<>) THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE -----------------------------------------------------------------------------FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, DC FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1998, 4:17 PM "Really though," says Fox Mulder as he disembar s from the elevator and jogs up behind his red-haired partner, Dana Scully, who loo s bac over her shoulder and continues down the hall. "What, Mulder?" she as s, a little disinterested, in Mulder's opinion. "Really, tell me about the case with the 'tal ing doll'. When you first called me, I thought you were just chec ing up on me, but I thin there was really something going on." The unorthodox FBI agent catches up to Scully and matches her stride as they continue toward his little basement office. "Yes, and as I remember, the most helpful thing you did was to propose to me. Besides, don't you thin I would have told you if there was an X-File?" She loo s surreptitiously at Mulder, wondering how much of that she could put over on him. He sighs and rubs the bac of his nec as they turn a corner. "I guess so, but the scenario I was getting when I finally started putting together what you were saying..." Scully interrupts him with a derisive, nervous laugh. "The scanario you were getting probably involved evil spirits and ancient curses, Mulder. You usually manage to come up with those when you seclude yourself in your little office down here and don't have anything to do." Her partner loo s at her, feigning shoc . "Alright, you don't have to tell me; you WERE on your vacation after all, I just thought you might li e to tal about it." Dana stops at Fox's office and gracefully indicates his door with a wave of her hand. "O ay, first, you share your report on the wild wee end you

















Scully fights bac a smir and fixes her eyes on her partner. "That's fine.I ought to be able to place it.I now it from somewhere. he never did. leading her at a steady clip out of the par ing lot and into the par proper. Mulder. "World's Deadliest Swarms? Really. I just thought we could come by here and get a few things. remembering how she came in and found him in his office in a rather embarassing situation involving pencils and ceiling tiles. pausing to wipe their mouths and swallow their                                                                                               . gray Ford Taurus pulls into the Ferrenwarren Par par ing lot behind a vaguely familiar van and comes to a stop. they come to a nice green clearing with a freshly painted red picnic table and benches sitting under a sturdy oa .. the largest number yet.. Mulder's quasinowledgeable friends and contacts. of course." Scully sha es her head. Scully stops short as she notices three men sitting at the table. just come on and have a seat. now remembering where she has seen the van before. who is almost jogging. drin ing colas and eating what appear to be tacos. there's no time for that now. I'll meet you out front at 5:15. Finally. Scully shuffles through a stac of papers on a smaller des set aside for marathon brainstorming and retrieves numerous forensic reports she had entrusted him to file. She sighs. "The par ? Why? Have you got a lead on something?" Mulder smiles mischeviously and says. a Time Life "Mysteries of the Unseen" compilation.. rather unhelpfully. "That van. * * * The slic . I'll buy you a juice.. confused but not too terribly concerned about Mulder's stranger-than-usual behavior. we won't be here long and they're not going to innundate you with more conspiracy theories. but curious about what ol' Spoo y has up his sleeve. setting aside his internet printouts of recent Chupacabra activity in Florida.. "Uh. obscuring the issue. Scully!" Lone Gunmen greet the two agents. I need you to come somewhere with me. and a ratty "How to Pic Up Women" manual which loo s to be from the 70's. I need to drop these off at the library and mail this letter." she ts s as she enters. "then I thought we'd go to the par . not really wanting to delay the end of the wor day. I promise. "Cause. "Well. I just thought we could go and enjoy the outdoors for a little while before we start another exciting wee end. Mulder breathes a sigh of relief and pulls two boo s from his boo shelf and tuc s them under his arm and turns toward Scully. "Mulder. anyway. followed by her glowering confidant. "No. determined not to pity him. sure.had. well. for the juice. no." Scully frowns thoughtfully. leaving the "I want to believe" poster and its owner behind. and. then exits the tiny wor space." Mulder hastily adds the last part as Scully arches an eyebrow. this is a big city but I'm sure you could've seen it before.you might want to bring some sort of an antacid tablet." she begins." She sighs wearily and slouches up to the table where the members of Lone Gunmen." Mulder pats his coat poc et." Scully almost whines.. You now. the last of her day's wor in hand. "Did you get the license?" he as s. before you go overreacting on me. Scully loo s at him as he unloc s the door and pushes it open to reveal his cluttered des . "Where's that Mulder?" she queries absently. farm animals were illed in one night and attributed to the dreaded "goat-suc er". Scully glances distractedly at the van as she slowly follows the lan y Mulder." Fox loo s bac at her. Both doors open at almost exactly the same time and the two FBI agents exit the car. are sitting. "Now." Mulder almost winces. but its slipped my mind." Scully glances at his recovered treasures." Mulder says as he pic s up a letter to MUFON off of his des and poc ets it and begins loo ing through his boo shelf. raising their glasses and tortilla wraps. which... finally deciding to catch up with him.. where fiftynine. you now. "Mulder. "Ah. how's that?" she as s as she heads for the door. cartons of Minute Maid orange juice in hand. "Hey.. Scully. not really wanting to thin this much before going home. his face blan .I guess.

heart-shaped pastry of some sort with pin icing. "So." The Gunman grins and reaches bac onto the far bench and holds a silver platter aloft. "Its' bran and Dong-Quai root. sitting his juice down on the table.. I'd as .. He nods and smiles an irresistable. Froehi e. no obligation or anything li e that." She purses her lips and draws bac her head." he sputters. you now.. You're li e. "What? What do you want? Those other jo ers are obviously expecting you to say something." Froehi e shrugs and drops the taco." returns Agent Mulder. Scully".." she begins. NO.you see. its been a long time since I've as ed a pretty. not sure what to ma e of the odd. "Than s.. realization finally dawn on Scully.. dressed in suit and tie. Scully coc s her head to one side.. "Ah.uh. I still don't have any idea where 'THEY' are eeping Hitler's brain!" Scully immediately regrets her tone as the older gentleman's face falls and he lets out an exaggerated sigh." she says.. "You now we all li e you and Mulder. "This is about Valentine's Day isn't it. dropping her arms bac to her sides and letting a slight smile play across her lips.well. smiling broadly at Scully. placing his hands on her shoulders." she stammers. "I've told you before I don't have any idea why you eep coming up as dead in our computers and.".. loo ing from Mulder to each man. you certainly weren't coming up with anything. "Now.. wringing his hands. no than s guys. "Ah..I li e a little more bread with my grease. it turns out.but sweet. She pic s it up and turns it. I just thought." begins Froehi e. adjusts his thic glasses as he ma es the save.. brown coloring of what. pitiful smile.. revealing a small.. follow Mulder a few yards apace from the table. She places the muffin to her lips and narrows her eyes at a rather odd smell emenating from the ba ed good. and I've got a bit of a                                                                                                         .. as she comes to stand before the trio. wondering what horrible fate had lead her here. "Hey. see... Dong-Quai is the female Ginseng. if you didn't mind....strange and sort of a little stuc in the past . he finally manages to say... Thomas' voice drifts bac as the three wal to the van.." Mulder nervously interjects as he gets to his feet. as he offers a taco to Dana. "We found out some really interesting information about Bigfoot and its scientifically documented patterns of migration from Oregon to Utah.. complete with cover. bemused.. Thomas. casting his glance meaningfully from Froehi e to Scully and bac again until finally. You always come through. marbled. I'm so sorry. unsure of whether to refer to it as a muffin or a ca e or what. "Its adorable. "Didn't I tell you I could get Scully to join us?" He ta es a vacant seat with Anderson and Briggs." she says. who ma es a face and holds her hand up in protest. Dana feigns regret and sets the muffin down.wow. the gray-headed ex-cableman nods and waves him off impatiently." At this.well. its li e. "I need to tal to these two guys here for a second. the two younger members of the conspiracy group." she indicates Mulder and the other two with an outstretched finger..just so I could have this one day that I had such a beautiful Valentine. You're swell. waiting for his explanation. I'm honored. "Oh no. "You now." Scully sighs and and extends her arms... Here. Froehi e. alternately placing his hands in his poc ets then removing them.well. "Exactly what ind of." he places the platter on the table and Scully sits down on a bench to observe as he removes the cover.. Spoo y.. "Scully.. Scully. "I'm allergic to Dong-Quai root." he adds proudly. with sour cream icing" he beams and indicates the pin layer. removing the foil wrapper and patting Froehi e's hand.food before standing. Scully smiles congenially. "Well. man. guys. I now how conscientious you are about what you eat. so out with it. "Actually.uh.. They have some information on." congratulates the elder Gunman. but out of the side of her mouth. chuc ling. Froehi e?" she as s. "I. "This is. REAL. "Sure. is apparently a muffin.. I made this for you . It loo s li e it might actually be evolving into a tool-ma er.its a recipe I got at a healthfood store. "You sure did." The long-haired blonde. You're a sweet guy .. casting assumedly inconspicuous glances toward the picnic table where the dumpy middle aged man and the lovely s eptic stand." Almost everyone at the table scrunch their faces up in disbelief and Thomas shrugs as he and the bearded Anderson.

you now how The Government is. Scully. * * THE END *                                                                                       .problem with sour cream. "Whenever you get a call. "How's that?" she as s. fishing around in his coat poc et and coming out with a handful of sunflower seeds. you had one of those tacos.. I. if you ever do something li e that again. your eyes moving bac and forth almost as though you were typing the information you hear. she says in an offthe-cuff manner. and to give Mulder a little more credit for being a top profiler. you wanna drive or me?" She ta es the profferred eys dangling from Mulder's hand and heads for their car.hmmm. "I now. turning the wheel sharply to the left as the car re-enters heavy traffic. fellas.an X-File next wee that he needs to tell us about before we get the paperwor on it." Scully chec s the rear-view mirror before entering the near lane and turns briefly to loo at the reclined Mulder. "You now. have a good wee end. well. She ma es a note to herself that she must remember to update her computerized field journal and water her houseplants. You didn't do that bac there at the par .. "Mulder." she threatens. Scully." Mulder sha es his head warningly at the geezer and puts his finger to his lips as Scully loo s over at him. that was my brother. "Your face becomes an absolute study of concentration and attention. as his wrong number assumption was right on the money. My guess is. his mouth full of seeds. it loo s li e we've got to cut this short. "Well. Scully?" inquires Mulder. did you say yes. "Guess I'm getting rusty. you'll be an X-File.." Mulder appears s eptical but nods. almost perturbed. stopping the car outside of Mulder's apartment building in the place where he usually par s when his car isn't in the shop.. "I will... "Mulder." Mulder nods.a wrong number. curious. "Scully.. He lazily cranes his head around to loo over his left arm at her.. Scully loo s at him as ance. You didn't have your business face on. as usual. li e from S inner. "O ay. that was S inner.. just calling to see if I was doing alright.. giving Froehi e an encouraging smile.. it was simply a concoction of the Catholic church around.from your body langauge and extreme lac of importance you inferred.li e. too. that wasn't S inner." he begins as the Taurus approaches his apartment. for instance.. maybe I ought to give her a little bit of the history of Valentine's Day ." Dejected.. "So. Dana is unexpectedly giddy to have her cellular phone BREEP at her. crossing his arms behind his head and leaning bac in the seat.." Scully responds in ind and pulls away as her strange friend stops to pet a fat white cat in the front yard of the apartment before entering. Froehi e slumps and says "Really? Wow. something about a. Mulder and the other two Gunmen wander bac over." she answers. Bill.thought for sure." Scully gives a superior laugh. "In fact. each attempting to persuade the other to eat the untouched muffin as Fox and Dana pull out of the par ing lot. "And".. He needs us to go in for a few minutes. Mulder smiles and shrugs helplessly at Lone Gunman as he too gets in the car and belts in. The trio of conspiracy theorists wave and begin pic ing up their trash. then finishes her call and puts her cell phone bac up." she said. aware that the crucial moment has passed. almost crushed." Unsure of what to say next." she trails off as she gets into the driver's side and chec s the seatbelt as she pulls the door shut." he says as he climbs out and rolls his head around and stretches. did you now that there actually was no Saint Valentine.. Mulder.

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